Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: SpecialK on January 19, 2011, 05:09:56 AM
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.... but can anyone explain the different between low libildo and impotence. Can depression\time of year play a part?
See told you it was a silly question
Many thanks
SKxxx
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Ok I will take a stab at this.
Low libido is a low desire for SF(sexual fulfilliment), I would guess male or female
Impotence is an inability to perform(male).
I would think that they might be controlled by different hormones.(although I am not sure about this).
Depression absolutely has a role in these functions.
Time of the year, I really couldn't say but in winter when it is darker out more people might be depressed.
Oh and no questions are silly BTW.
I hope that starts the discussion on this subject.
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SK
Not a silly question at all :D
Low libido is a low sex drive so the inclination to have sex is low or none existent. Impotence is where the inclination to have sex is present but they are unable to get an erection or the erection disapears at sometime during the sex act.
Depression has a huge effect on mens ability to get an erection and reducing their libido. Other influencing factors are medication and stress. Not sure its seasonal though! lol
xx
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If someone has diagnosed or undiagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), it most definitely can lead to depression and low labido. So, it that sense, it can be "seasonal".
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Another question: Can impotence trigger depression?
Since it is wrapped up in the aging process, I'm guessing it can be a big part of MLC. Just wondering what others think.
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I have to believe it could, it would for me! Is he addicted to porn?
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Rebel Yell,
Not that I know of. If he is, what affect does that have?
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I have to believe it could, it would for me! Is he addicted to porn?
Not that I know of. If he is, what affect does that have?
Porn will mess with the mind. The one who uses it; begins to see the spouse as a 'sex object'; and reality interferes with fantasy...as they desire the porn; their sex drive will diminish; and they no longer desire their spouse; desiring only the fantasy that touts total perfection; something NONE of us can live up to.
There are several different types of pornography; there is the soft type that simply reveals naked bodies; and there is the hard core type that involves all kinds of strange things, and even animals.
It is not unusual for one who is addicted to porn to try and force their spouse to perform acts during sex that they would not normally do; to further fuel their fantasy..in that way they are trying to bring a fantasy to life.
One other thing, and this is from a spiritual point of view; when porn is viewed; and addiction gets a foothold; it is an open invitation to evil spirits; one of which that is known as the spirit of lust; the battle to give it up, is a hard one; the addiction renders the person nearly powerless against it.
My husband had porn problems when we first married; he put it aside at that time...I removed a great many magazines he had hidden in his house; and got rid of them.
This problem came back during his MLC; and the addiction was overpowering to him; and it nearly sucked him under. I observed his battle to overcome the addiction; and prayed for him daily.
During that time; he wanted nothing to do with me; I didn't look "good" enough for him; and he had NO desire for me..this was MLC complicated by sexual problems/addiction/MLC affair.
He did win the battle; but it took time for him to overcome all of it.
Make no mistake; Porn is an emotionally dangerous habit; and it will change the perception of the man who uses it.
The problem with ANY kind of addiction is the fact that over time, it will take MORE and MORE; to try and satisfy the demon within; and no matter how much they feed the beast, it will NEVER be enough..until they battle to overcome the addiction; in that process; IF they want to, they can win the battle.
Not to mention all of the viruses that can be introduced into a computer; the porn sites visited often carry trojan horses; keyloggers, and tracking cookies...they will gain a hard foothold in your computer.
I had to literally wipe the computer we had clean, reformat and reload the operating system...when I found out my husband was using porn; he had been accessing for over 8 months before I knew....and the computer went haywire, not long after I found out.
There are people who think porn is not wrong; I disagree; the guilt alone from the perceived adultery of looking at other naked women is enough to render a man helpless; and this is a possible aspect of the crisis...a return to things once forsaken; a knowing that it's wrong; and the guilt does its work on a person.
One of the aspects I've found in almost every case I've seen; has been some type of sexual problem within each MLC'er; whether caused by porn viewing; MLC affair, heavy drinking; heavy drug use; which are but a few of the cause and effect types of either not wanting sex, or even wanting a great deal of sex...there is NO middle ground, nor was there in my own case....it is generally one extreme or the other.
But this is a problem they must work out on their own; no one can do it for them...hormones DO play a part; but psychological damage from guilt and shame also play a part in their problem.
Maybe this will help...I remember thinking at first it was ME and MY fault; but it wasn't..because, again, what someone does to another; doesn't have anything to do with the person it's done to, and everything to do with the person that does it.
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HB, thank you for the explanation. There are so many aspects to MLC and it always comes back to them having to fix themselves.
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Yes Thanks HB. I'm glad I didn't have to try to explain. You have a way of explaining like no other.
I probably would have written.... Porn=Bad.
You nailed what I wanted to say about porn always raising the bar (so to speak) so that a man can't perform
in a REAL relationship with his spouse. Fantasy will have the same results.
Good job again HB, thank so much for taking the time you do with us. I know it would be easy just to stop coming here because of where you are on your journey of life.
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My husband has been "concerned" about his erections for at least 6 years and he is only 46. It may have been even longer... whenever Viagra was invented was when he started imagining "problems". I really don't know if his problems were real or not, because he hid his Viagra use from me.I always told him he was sexy and virile and he didn't need that stuff, but it seemed like men all over the world were taking it "recreationally".
In the last 3 years, he has experienced "problems" with maintaining an erection and of course, I thought it was his diet, stress, boring old me, but he tried EVERYTHING including that medical clinic they advertise on the radio... spent a couple of thousand on that "treatment" without my consent and it didn't improve anything, in my opinion.
Now he has a permanent Cialis scrip, but I know when we had a hyperbonding period, he claimed he "didn't even use anything". To be realistic, the excitement of OW may have been enough to make him believe he just wasn't attracted to me, and it was all my fault, but I'm 99% certain he used it with her or avoided sex with "I just want to give you pleasure" in order to let himself of the pressure to perform hook....
I know that was a lot of personal info, but I try to be frank on this forum for educational purposes. I believe depression and diet along with the natural hormone level drop in men his age is a perfect storm for impotence. I know when I'm stressed out, depressed and sad, or my brain won't shut off, sex is the last thing on my mind... For men, I think they can compartmentalize a lot easier than women, so maybe the distraction of OW puts lead in their pencil, who knows... still doesn't solve the problem... add onto that the immense alcohol consumption, and it's a miracle they can ever perform. 8)
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Rebel Yell,
Good job again HB, thank so much for taking the time you do with us. I know it would be easy just to stop coming here because of where you are on your journey of life.
No problem and you're welcome; some people have trouble talking about sexual matters during MLC...and it can be a very touchy subject....I learned a long time go, however; nothing is taboo when you're talking about MLC...and so, by talking about any of the sexual aspects in a straightforward way from my end; it doesn't look so graphic and embarrassing to someone else.
I suppose it would be easy for me to stop coming here; the people who started with me when the board started, know as much as I do, by now...and the rest of you are following the lead of letting go, letting God; work on yourself..along with learning the various different aspects of MLC.
BUT..and I addressed this on my own thread; I will be here until the Lord sends me back out; and not until.
I fully realize I'm NOT finished here, just yet...just because I've reached the end of my journey; doesn't mean that I'm completely finished with my own work; that can extend way beyond my own ending...there are people I know; including the lady who helped me for so long; for them, the "guiding" aspect continues; and they still remember in full, just as I do, now.
If not for people like them; no one would have any help during MLC; and there would be no one to pass on the wisdom that's gathered from the crisis.
I may duck out from time to time; but I will always be back...have no idea for how long; but I'm not marking time on that; not really in any hurry to leave....I'm still learning, too, many things in hindsight; and these are useful to pass on to others.
God has placed me where ever He has needed me to be for all of my life; some of the various "jobs" I've done; lasted for short periods of time; some for a good while...but, eventually; they've all come to an end; only to start over somewhere else; and with someone else.
I don't "move" until He tells me to; I obey Him in every way He asks me....and I'd have to say I was very surprised when He sent me back into this area nearly a year ago...I wasn't supposed to ever go back into the advising of MLC; but He changed His mind for whatever reason; and I didn't ask Him about it..just did what He told me to do...it's better that way, at least for me. :)
It has seemed at times, that I have walked blindly; but not really; I always knew there was a purpose to whatever He has had in mind for me..and so, I simply do what He asks, as it is but part of my work in this world. :)
Until there comes a time for me to move on to something else, someone will ALWAYS have a question; and I hope I will always have an answer. :)
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HB,
Thank you for your honesty and candidness in regards to your experiences during your H's MLC. My H too was addicted to porn early in our marriage and we put a stop to it. But now he's completely addicted to sex and living with OW who's enabling him further down this path. I know he's using her as much as she's using him but my concern is he may be one of the ones who get stuck.
Could it be that your H was able to break free of his addiction because he never left home or does that not matter? I would really like your advice on my sitch if you have time to look at my thread. I now H is in deep replay and we're in the beginning but again I'm concerned he may be one that never breaks free.
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Dear HB, just wanted to say that God in His infinite wisdom and grace has sent you here and that is indeed a blessing!
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My husband started experiencing these problems years ago. I actually believe that was the beginning of his MLC. He would have problems keeping an erection, then would feel awful about himself. I realize men feel like their bodies have betrayed them, and no matter how loving and understanding I was did not change a thing.
That's when my husband started pulling away/distancing himself from me. He told me once that he did that because he was afraid cuddling would lead somewhere he couldn't take me. So, it was easier for him to not put himself in that position in the first place. When I complained that he was robbing me of love and tenderness, he said he didn't think he had any choice.
One time when he did manage to keep his erection, I mentioned to him that I thought the problem was all in his head.....the one on top of his shoulders. I remarked to him that he had been in a better mood. I saw a correlation between his negative thoughts about himself and his ability to perform.
I can only speak from my perspective from my own marriage, but it seems to be part of the larger pattern of negativity. When someone in MLC starts to doubt themselves, starts the negative thinking, or what I call "stinking thinking", which leads to vocally spewing, they seem to dive headlong into depression. When they keep going over these negative thoughts about themselves over and over again like a broken record....they actually believe all these lies are true! So, therefore, the husband who feels like he is a failure at everything in life, certainly also believes he is a failure as a man. Hence, the impotence. He convinced himself he can no longer perform and now is worthless in our eyes. Which is total crap from what we actually think of our husbands!
My husband tried Viagra, but had such horrible side effects that I just couldn't put him through that anymore. He told me his eyes burned and he thought they were going to pop out of his head. And it gave him severe migraines. Not exactly the best state of mind for making love.
I even tried to assure him we would learn to deal with this, but he would have none of it. The distancing began in our bedroom and then ventured on to every room in the house until he walked out the door. He became very irritable, angry, and sometimes cruel with his words. I begged him to go to the doctor and he finally did. However, he lied to me about what the doctor said.
After he left, I found out he told the doctor we were having marital problems and that I was the problem. Of course!! ::)
I confess that since that time I have badgered myself at times wondering if there was something I could have done differently to help him. That perhaps if I had said, or acted differently, or paid more attention that this was the beginning of depression and could have forced him to see a doctor, we could have alleviated all of this. You know, it's the old coulda, woulda, shoulda!!
Well, the truth is, everything that happened was because my husband chose to believe the negativity and acted accordingly. I could not have changed anything. I have educated myself on MLC, male depression, impotence, etc. and nothing I have learned would have enabled me to change my husband's mind. God gave him free will. The only thing I can do is to continue to pray for him.
I don't know if this helps you in any way. It's just what I've experienced so far. I think they become their own worst enemies by being so critical of themselves. I know that when my husband was in MONSTER (which he seems to jump in and out of frequently!) and was spewing, some of the things he said about me, I knew he was really talking about himself.
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CK,
You bring up an excellent point about your H's negative thinking and doubting themselves It's actually made me realize some of the things my H was always mentioning about his F being impotent along with his triple bypass surgeries. I don't know why I hadn't put the fear of H's becoming impotent together with his MLC until now. The heartaches I figured on but the more we discuss this topic the more I'm starting to see the "fear" my H lives in. It's become a self-fulfilling prophecy for him it appears. Very sad.
SK,
Thanks for bringing this topic up. As you can see it's definitely not a silly question. It's helping me process what my H may be going through as well as continue my stand because I empathize with him though I don't accept his behavior. Make sense?
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Very nice post, CK and thanks for sharing....
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Thanks all for sharing, I'm glad I asked the question now, it was one of those things I thought I knew the answer to but never discussed it. There was\is a part of my that felt uncomfortable discussing it but this forum has given the strength to talk about it and some insight into it.
When my ex and I first got together (end of November), he suffered from impotence for a while. He was even considering going to the Dr's to get viagra. I also remember him telling me in the following January that he always felt particular depression around that time of year. To be honest at that time it fell on deaf ears so it was never discussed.
Now when I think back our relationship always went a little off from Jan to April\May time, but I never gave it a lot of thought - I was too wrap up in myself to worry about it.
The few days we spent together just before Christmas, was when I started to make the connection and trace back his behaviour. He was very affectionate and passionate towards me but half way through he lost his erection. I know he was stressed, tired and not well etc., but when I look back there is a connection with this time of year. For the first time he opened up a bit about it, saying that it low liabildo, a lot of men suffer from it this time of year, that's why a lot of relationships break up during January.
I do believe he suffers from SAD, especially during January. In years gone by he would often have tears but couldn't/wouldn't explain why he was upset.
SKXXX
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My doctor told me that testostrone levels have a lot to do with depression, and also MLC.
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Remember we don't know each other so feel free bringing up anything here. That's what it's for.
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CK, you have described almost exactly what has been going on in my marriage. H. is still at the stage where he avoids any kind of contact that might lead to 'other things' and if pressured, says that he can't find it in him to be attracted to me anymore. I believe that the physical feeds the psychological and vice versa, it is a vicious circle and that his MLC was triggered in no little way by this. He told me, at bomb drop, that he thought that I had no more interest in him sexually, which I vigorously denied and later wrote a very explicit e-mail about my feelings in that area. I think he needed an excuse for himself. He takes beta-blockers for a chronic cardiomyopathy and also was on anti depressants for some time (not any more), he has reduced the heart medication at his doctor's advice, but that seems to have made no difference (at least between us!) and I think that his heart (physical!) is not really relishing the reduction in the meds. This is a very big part of our marriage and it saddens me that he has to go through this and is not really able to look at it objectively (i.e. investigate more thoroughly the reasons). He refuses to accept that there is something amiss with him, it is ALL my fault. :'(
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Anyway, has it really been a diagnosed hormone thing for anyone we know, or is the depression something that just resolves with time?
I think the hormonal changes are just one aspect that make up the "perfect storm" of MLC. From personal experience, low testosterone has has a big impact on H. He was turning into a pubescent girl, physically AND emotionally. Boobs, door slamming, and snits...the whole thing! He is now progressing through his teen years on an emotional level....something he skipped back then. He went from a 14 year old boy to a man with adult responsibilities in a day... Covert depression is helping him cope with all those issues rather than face it all at once. He will have to address all of the aspects of the storm, it takes timmmmmeeeeeee..........JMHO....
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Covert depression will likely play into overt depression. Hormones are something that can drive someone with an undiagnosed depression into something larger. Midlife stresses the weakest parts of the body and will make whatever is bad get worse!.
I notice it myself with pulled muscles in my calves, weak shoulders. Eyesight getting worse. Those are my weak points.
Some people get cancer at midlife.
we all have weaknesses in out body and midlife will exploit them.