Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Returned on September 19, 2015, 03:16:14 PM
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Hi I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
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Class of 2011 alumni here. We have regular contact and she has yet to admit to an OM. She's working at the same job but actively seeking a new one. She's a Clinging Boomerang now after being a regular Boomerang much of the last 4 years. She seems to be connecting with the kids in a major way now after being a "good-time aunt" most of the past 4 years
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2010-2012
Went back Post divorce
Didn't work
BD 2 April 2013 Assaulted as I was leaving. Emergency room visit.
No contact with ex or children for 2 years
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BD was January, 2011. I first came to HS in Feb., 2011.
Ex immediately moved in with OW right after BD. I stood, but ex never wavered.
Divorced me in August, 2013.
Married OW in June, 2015.
Very little contact. Last spoke to him 5 months ago.
Don't really believe in MLC "stages" anymore. Or, if I had to choose, I'd say ex is, and will die, in replay. Ain't never leavin' OW. His ego couldn't take it.
Really and truly coming to believe ex did me a big favor. . .
It gets easier. But takes time--and NC.
TMHP
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BD July 2011. He moved out to his parents' basement August 2011. OW outed November 2011. What a year!
He was a clinger through September 2012. He filed for the D then. Marriage itself was ended June 2013, but we still do not have a settlement or a final decree. We spoke in court that day in 2013 and he was clearly still in replay with lots of confusion, but no monster at me. Sometimes monsters through lawyers but nothing in over a year. I believe he just wants to avoid. He still lets his presence be known to me online every now and again though through joint accounts we share or on my website's tracker. He's lost many friends and cycled through a lot of different identities in this time. I have no doubts this is not in any way about my marriage.
By all accounts he and the original OW were married earlier this year, but details are vague. He moved to her state in 2013 around the same time as the hearing, and she filed for D from her H the following day. They live in a house in her name with all of her grown children and a huge menagerie of animals. Creditors call for him sometimes, but they do for me, too! ;) MLC is expensive.
Will he come out of this? Something in me still believes it, but I look at the future as a clean slate. I would like to be a bystander to witness the ending of this that I've heard so many nice things about. ;) That's about my only goal outside of financial stability and business success right now.
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BD Jan 2011 but unfortunately had a short dip of the toe into it with Bd 2005, no known ow that time and home after several weeks, I never knew about mlc back then.
Still in replay, same ow, same job.
Moved in together after 1 year, bought house together almost 1 year ago.
Travels all the time for work so never with ow more than 2/3 days at a time, he doesnt need to do all the travelling??
Divorced recently, he filed, I believe ow pressure and likely ow now working on marriage.
I have witnessed small crazy about her, she threw him out recently but it didnt last and she sounds like she loses it very easily.
What a party to get invited into urgh!! but you do learn lot about yourself.
x
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BD in November 2011. She moved out in March 2012 and bought a house just down the street for her "fresh start" in life ??? ??? ??? Still have contact because of the kids but I try to limit contact unless it's important - maybe once per month. Mostly by text.
She went through a flurry of OM in her first year - really anything that had a heart beat. Been with the current OM for about 2 1/2 yrs. From what I understand no one really likes him; not someone of any substantive character as far as I can tell.
She's put on a huge pile of weight; heaviest she has ever been. I can see it in her that she's still very much miserable. No sign of any movement whatsoever though - still running. If she does ever come through this, I don't think her pride would allow her to knock on my door.
I'm not waiting for her anymore. I have a life to live.
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He's been gone since 18 October, 2011. Same soulmate, lesser job. I think they bought a condo together but I don't really know. Rumour has it he's blaming his job for his unhappiness now but, whatever.
It still hurts for my d. She gets that he's not the same person but still expects him to love her & I don't think he does [I do not share that opinion with her].
I googled myself last night [just checking what's out there ;) ] & I came across his linkedin page. He now has more degrees than I do :o :o . I bet his driver's licence is framed & hung on his office wall. He claims an 'associates' degree for the less than 2 years he spent at university i.e. flunked out of sciences, his trades certificate has become a bachelor's degree, his European technical school is now a university...Does he really think any employer who required a degree wouldn't verify it?
He forgot to mention that he has been fired from all his jobs in the past 7 years & omitted his membership in the cheaters & liars club.
It shocked me a bit to see his name [& photo] come up. It shocked me a lot when I came across her name with his last name--I think it was a mistake but they might be married. It only took me a half an hour to get over it & I slept just fine. Progress?
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Okay where is everybody? All reconciled with your spouses? Or way, way too busy living wonderful lives. :)
thk? Jagger? JAG?
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Hi I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
Class of 2011 here too. ;D
BD January 2011
Low Energy MLCer
D was May 2013
I stayed in the house until D was final, he's still in the house.
No ow
Still have contact with him. Reconnecting? Who the heck knows. ::)
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You are really making me feel old!
2009,
life is great,
mlc is still going strong.
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Old Pilot, I highly doubt your older than me. LOL
Seriously, I do think some MICer's take a very long time, then there are a few who never come out of it at all.
I knew a man like that. Went into a MLC crisis (had a great family) and never came out of it. He went from partying to other women, to partying to more women, to pa...well you get the picture. Last time I saw him he was in his 70's, drunk with 2 young women on his sleeve.
:-\
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Hi I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
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Class of 2011 here..BD was 10 days before our 21st anniversary, Aug 3. I have gone pretty much NC, his first OW affair crashed and burned, ended with alot of drama. He is on Facebook with his arms around much younger women at bars, he has gained about 50 lbs, he looks ridiculous. Now he has another OW that he claims he will marry, he has known her 6 weeks and they go out drinking and party in Vegas, Palm Springs, etc. (we aren't divorced, he wanted me to take care of it). So, suffice to say he is still in deep. I am doing so much better, I am not "standing" for him anymore, too much damage, but I still pray for him. My healing from this (and our Daughter too, she is 19 now) has taken quite a long time, but I am also a different person than I was.
Take Care everyone!
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I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
Yep, another one over here!
I found out about Hs affair April 2011. He's been telling me it's over for 4.5 years and I:ve been stupid enough to listen to him :( :-[ (and not strong enough to anything about it until 6 weeks ago when I threw him out). yay...
He has just started to get into his crisis a lot deeper.......now we only contact each other about the kids (which he sees two evenings and one day on the weekend) and my business (he built my website and has offered to keep it updated for me).
He's still blaming me for not working 10 years ago (was looking after 3 children, including one with autism), for not being able to help him when he most needed it, for trapping him in his job, for me quitting a job in 2010, for not being intelligent enough for him........... wah wah wah Have just seem him tonight and he avoided me like the plague......so much guilt wrapped up in his head. He'd defo be a vanisher if it wasn't for the kids. He has NO interest in me (but plenty in OW (she's married with 4 kids aged between 8 and 16 and Hs working with her husband!!!) :o :o :o I'd love to be a fly on the wall in their workplace :P
Hs still looking for another job (this is the 5th year hes been talking about it) and finally has an interview this week. If he gets it it'll mean he'll be living over 200 miles away from me and the kids and meaning he'll not be able to look after the kids on nights and weekends when I work. >:( (so I won't be able to work).
Hs been a very low energy wallower until I threw him out, now he seems to have summoned up the energy to get himself out on dates (I think he's now on a dating site) . I think he's cranking up for a bit of high energy sh$gging, if I:m not mistaken.
I can't bear to look at him - he repulses me in every way. I've been thinking a lot about
D I V O R C E lately, but will wait until I:ve been free of him for 2 years (so 6.5 yers post BD). I think that's enough for anyone. ;D
Jos x
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Hello, fellow 2011 classmates! I joined this great fraternity after BD in Feb, 2011. W lived part-time in another state, the last 3 years with OM, comes back to see kids (D17 & D14) a couple days a week. Communication is very sparse, unless something involving kids. I have refused to file at this point because I didn't want the divorce. I have grown a bit weary but at this point, still standing (but wobbling). So, right now, W is showing some signs, not sure what that all means but something is happening. Only time will tell both for her and for me.
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bump
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That would be me :P
BD may 2011.high energy replayer , crazy man I kicked out immediately, went straight to alienator, server who worked in our restaurant, was a "friend or more like needy little sister" of mine.
At least 5 returns in first 2 yrs with constant touch and goes. Ask me to take him back at 2 1/2 yrs post bd. agreed to take it slow, I was terrified. He moved into his own apt and we spent a lot of time together reconnecting without ow in picture....or so I thought... He moved back home while I was called back home as my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
Spent some time in home town together with family , he was manic , all over the place. Did some " research" texting resumed with ow. I kicked him out again.
Went NC for 4 months...complete NC...would not respond to emails, texts phone calls. Had the kids wait for him outside and not allow him in the house.
Received a text from him telling me that he loved me and did not want to hurt me anymore April 2015. Ow just a friend, not what you think bla bla bla.
Has been living with his parents since he moved out of family home last time summer of 2014.
Told him that if he had any kind of contact with ow I would file for divorce next day end of August 2015. He denied it.
Saw a lot of attempts back to replay until beginning of this year.Reconnected with his family in what seems authentic. Is reconnecting to the children in positive ways. Seems like ties have been cut with alienator.
Restaurant is closed due to new owners, lease was not renewed, he has been out of work for 16 months . Seems to have lost his drive to open a new place. Something he was manic about for the first 6 months .I have removed myself from the equation completely.
He Has had heart palpitations, Dizziness and was put on meds for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Always tired and still not sleeping well. I don't ask , he lets me know.
He seems burnt out. Spends a lot of time watching Ww2 documentaries and taking online courses.
I dont analyze, these are just observations.
I keep my boundaries up. He seems to finally be respecting them.
This has not been a walk in the park and does take a heck of a long time.
Jagger
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My BD was Nov 2011. Definitely high energy replay.
I am thrilled to say that at long last I am seeing a little tunnel movement here :o
He just landed a job after a long hiatus. Still with OW. But for the first time his facial expression, way of speaking, and eye contact are virtually normal. Shark eyes are gone. I am thrilled. Kind of spooky to see him back to normal. Wow, I was losing faith that this day would come. :)
It has been four long long years. Hope I am not reading more into this than I should.
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Class of 201ow1 here too (Jan,)
We were D'd in May of 2012..0r no it was 2013. He had a very bad lawyer.
First year he tried to find someone else through dating sites and a bogus dating service but it never happened for him.
He is a very Low Energy type MICer.
Long story. We are together and things are working pretty well but he still has some work to do before I can accept him as a true partner.
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I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
Hey all you LBSs out there in LBS land...
I'm class of 2011, too.
found out in December of '11 that the MLCer had consulted with a divorce attorney (they all call themselves "family law" attorneys--my atty included--ha!) the MLCer had charged the initial consult to our joint checking account. unbelievable.
found out about OW in March of '12--after I had point-blank asked the MLCer if he was having an affair with OW (our former neighbor) and he lied/denied/lied/denied
we "worked on" our marriage from March of '12 until November of '12--included multiple leavings and returnings by the MLCer, and if you count "working on the marriage" to include still sticking it to the OW--CRAZY TOWN.
by November of '12, I realized I was no longer willing to live like the MLCer was asking me to live, and he moved out officially (and i had the locks changed, which was probably the best idea i ever had) and he could not get back in
i filed for D in november of '12--waffled a bit, then got monster and monster and crazy and more crazy and decided that MLC trumps divorce and that i had to GET OFF THE CRAZY TRAIN, which i really didn't completely until recently--i kind of have this visual of me NOT being on the crazy train, but still waiting at the station and watching it pass by and pass by and pass by with not much changing...
the MLCer lived with his mama, and then next door to his mama.
the MLCer got fired from his job of 11+ years and remained unemployed for 19 months
all this time, OW was still in the picture
i moved from the marital home in july of '13; d was final in february of '14
the MLCer dragged me back to court in july of '15, to try to weasel out of paying appropriate child support, to try to trick a judge into letting him claim the d's on his taxes--the judge shut him down, and i have felt like $100 bucks ever since. i think that was kind of what really helped me spring forward--that last court date
the MLCer married OW and wears a wedding ring--the MLCer and OW must be meant for each other--they're now "officially" married, and they're both liars, cheaters, and thieves. maybe they live with each other because they can't live alone with themselves? who knows.
the MLCer, as long as i knew him, was a low-energy wallower and was very passive aggressive with everyone, not just me. the MLCer, as long as i knew him, and confirmed by others--before i knew him, is the world's biggest tightwad. OW is a high energy histrionic (I'm pretty sure she's HPD) who is a SPENDER. she spends other people's money (namely her 2 prior and current husbands' money). the MLCer and OW are currently fixing up a dump (and from what i can tell thru the d's--dropping a $h!teload of money) in a sketch neighborhood that's far away from where the d's and i live our lives. i think this "new" wife and "new" house mean that the MLCer is still in replay.
not my problem. thank God. i do hope the MLCer can find peace. maybe he's found it--from what i know now, though, it's not true peace--it's replay/running peace and that won't last i don't think.
just keepin' on keepin' on.
onlyjo
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Right now I am almost at the four year anniversary of bomb drop, and it has brought me great anguish.
Recently an old friend asked to see me, and when we spoke she began to question me in great detail about my MLCer. I have always been a transparent person and I answered her questions honestly and without hesitation. It was only with a slip of the tongue she made at the very end of the interview that it dawned on me that she was simply interrogating me on behalf of the OW, and that my replies would be immediately relayed to OW for her own purposes.
OWs are nothing if not controlling, and they constantly scan the environment for any sign that they are not in absolute control of the MLCer. The information I provided was used to berate the MLCer, who of course has cut off all communication. If there is one thing the OW does not want is for the MLCer to maintain any form of communication with the family that loves them.
I am profoundly sadder and wiser that someone I believed to be my long term friend has participated in this and all I can say is:
An OW is capable of anything. One must not let one's guard down. Even if one has lived ones entire life openly and honestly they are capable of sending intermediaries to gather information which can be twisted and distorted in order to inflict further damage on your relationship with your MLCer. Caution with who you open your soul to and what information you provide.
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I'm so sorry, LJ. :( We really learn who our friends are through this. I agree with all sentiments. These people are, in the words of my friend (who maintained contact with the OW for awhile because she "wanted to see how it played out"), "Not like us." I gladly accept that, and protect myself accordingly.
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Hi I would like to hear how the Class of 2011 are doing....if your BD was in 2011 where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
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Hi long! :)
I'm in the class of 2011.
Update after 5 years?
- X is much more himself now. All repay antics are over with.
- We see each other and we seem to be building a new relationship.
- Never found an OW.
- He still lives in our house, I have been in an apartment for a few years and quite happy here.
- Still at his same job.
- Still see some confusion and memory loss but it's getting better.
- He went thru a few dark depressions, but that too is much better.
Still taking one day at a time.
How about you? :)
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Hey there, classmates (Or alumni? Are we done? ;) )!
where is your MLCer right now? High energy replay? Vanisher? Reconnecting? Still with the original OW? Does your MLCer have a job? Has he moved away? Do you still have contact with him?
- Replay, but doesn't seem to be as high energy
- Vanished for several years, but we've been back in contact since October off and on
- Contact (via email) has progressively gotten a bit softer and for the first time, he's initiated recently
- Married as far as I know to the OW (taking it at face value)
- I don't know if he's employed right now, but he's got money problems either way
- May be in school, don't know what he's studying for sure
- Lots of drama in home life (OW's three adult children live with them; one is transitioning gender, one is pregnant, and one is on probation for acts against their neighbor)
- Still lives two states away (7 hours or so by car) and does not seem to return often to visit family
- Is still doing the "manly man" persona and is still part of fringe political and gun groups
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lj,
Great thread idea!
My ex (I don't refer to him as an MLCer as I'm no longer a believer) is not only still with his original OW, he married her last summer. This is the beginning of the 8th year of their relationship. They got married after having lived together for 4.5 years. They moved in together immediately after the January, 2011 BD.
He's an entrepreneur and is involved as a principal in a high-tech start-up. His financial sitch has improved considerably in the past 18 months. He lives about 40 miles from me.
Since his marriage he's "reached out" to me more. (I think he finally feels safe from me!!) Nothing big. He wished me happy birthday last month via text. I ignore all communication except business and financial. I'm cordial/civil but do not engage in any chit chat or "updating." He's told me in an email that he wishes we could talk and "check in" with each other from time to time. No way. That's just an invitation to hurt I don't need. (My daughter tells me he's "desperate" for my attention. Isn't that sad ;))
Last saw him nine months ago for a coffee meetup to discuss financial issues (which I initiated.) He hugged me when we were walking to our cars and told me he loved me. The depths of his narcissism and cluelessness as to the damage he's done are unfathomable.
He became someone I don't know, nor want to anymore. In fact, I sometimes doubt if I ever really knew him.
TMHP
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Hi TmHP,
the first paragraph of your post is like a punch in the stomach to all of us who wish to see the alienator vanish as fast as she showed up. : (
Oh well, anything can happen I guess.
But tell me: what do you mean you are "no longer a believer"?
Thank you,
xx
Antigone
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Class of 2010 into 2011
-As far as I know exow is still gone.(Initial relationship lasted 8 months)
-no job
-owns his home
-lives with his mother and my youngest D within minutes of a walk to where I live.
Total NC initiated by me in 2013.
The only way I could save what was left of my sanity. I also believe this was not an Mlcer I was dealing with.
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5 Year Update
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- Still with the same job/company but he seems more stressed out.
- Relationship with OW1 ended six months before D became final (learned about her ~1 year after BD though I suspect she was there lurking in the shadows before BD); began dating OW2 four months after D and broke up with her/she moved out about a year and a half ago. Appears to be out of Replay.
- Is struggling with anxiety and his health; complains of extreme fatigue. Doesn't seem better off today than before BD.
- We spend a lot of time together as a family and (IMHO) co-parent better than most.
- Definitely reconnecting but no clear signs of being on the path to restore the marriage.
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BD Dec 2011 so I just make it into the Class of 2011. Lucky me ;)
My H divorced me about 2.5 years after BD so about 18 months ago
H (or I should say XH but i still find that difficult) moved in with his OW as we D'd. Its been the same OW the whole time.
she is his secretary, i suspect EA prior to BD quickly becoming PA afterwards and certainly PA within 6 months.
they live with her kids, my (our) kids don't visit much. D20 sees him the most, D14 stood her ground and has refused to stay overnight with him once he moved in with OW. Their relationship is very strained.
he tries to push 'happy families' onto the girls, especially D14. OWs kids are around the same age. Apparently OW just wants everyone to be happy together so D14 should "just join in". I hear lots of info from the girls suggesting their relationship is not all happy Utopia but he shows no sign of moving on. He did once admit that OWs kids were 'his karma'.
He suspect he is still wracked with guilt and don't believe any movement will be made unless he can move beyond that. He does nothing to actively deal with what has happened, the impact etc. No insight or introspection - not that I would see that I suppose. I am still unsettled whenever I see him, which is rarely and usually reasonably pleasant.
Its just better to not see him and carry on living my own life. My daughters and I are nicely content just the three of us. I can't imagine him ever being part of this family again. Gosh it sounds like I should change my status to "done"