Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rebel Yell on January 22, 2011, 07:27:47 AM
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OK,
What do we do for Valentines Day?
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I hate to admit this...from my experience last year...NOTHING...if they do something fine, and I would reciprocate...but dont initiate or go out of your way!
really stinks I know~!
hugs,
L
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I agree - do not initiate or do anything, except maybe to reciprocate as LNA said.
Last year I did give my H some candy he liked (that I had on hand "just in case") but that was it, and that was only because the night before he actually gave me a flowering potted plant (not sure if it was meant for V-Day or not, he didn't say). That is the closest I have gotten to flowers in probably three years.
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Oh Rebel,
I worry about you.
Try to let it go.
If your wife is in MCL - the little holidays of life really don't make up to a hill of beans.
I guess I really realized how bad my H's situation was - when he let Christmas come and
go - without making ANY move to communicate with me.
Christmas was always so special to him. He always went overboard.
This year - he saw the kids for about 2-3 hours - but they had to go up to see him.
He sent me a gift - back with the kids. I had purchased something small for him - just in case.
I sent it with the kids.
And, that was it.
Really sad...don't you think?
I miss my H and I wish that I could see him - and then I read your posts and I really believe that it is harder to see them. You really get pulled through the ringer. It makes it very hard for you to detach.
Hang in there!
From your posts - I can see that you are a good guy. It sucks that you have to deal with this.
L
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Rebel Yell
I agree with the others on here....do nothing. Laursecan's post above is excellent.
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I agree. The more thought you put into this, the more disappointed you will likely be. Valentine's Day is about love.....MLC'ers aren't "feeling the love". To purchase or give a gift is often interpreted as pressure.
You could always have something "on hand" in case you want to reciprocate. However, like Laursecan said if she is truly in MLC...you are not on her radar right now.
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Valentine's Day is also my H's birthday. Do people still send birthday wishes in this situation, or just do nothing?
Don't you think a somewhat neutral birthday card would be appropriate, seeing we've been married 23yrs?
Just asking.
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Rememberer
I would lean more toward the nothing side, though it's not necessarily "inappropriate" to give a card.
My birthday and Christmas are a few weeks apart. My ex-wife sent me a text message wishing me a Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas in the same text. I chuckled and wondered if it had been on her mind. I'm guessing from the text message that it had been.
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I will celebrate Valentines with my daughters and if w wants to come she is more than invited. I did think of having chocolates and roses sent to my house from my w. With a card that says "Dearest Ready, you are the best thing that ever happened in my life. Hugs and Kisses." I would take the flower and candy give her a hug and say, "You are so sweet to do such a nice thing for me. " All's I got you was a card.
Her MLC mind would be so confused that she would not know what to say or do. I could see the gears clogging - when did I get him flowers and chocolates? How did this happen? HMMMMMMM. HMMMMM. I need an aspirin this thinking is giving me a headache.
The real thing is not to have any expectations at all and you will be just fine.
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Ready: I love it! Can I borrow it? If only it wouldn't confuse my kids I would do so.
I'm thinking of getting myself flowers and keeping them in my office at work (again - just for me, and not to confuse my kids).
We could always ALL do a virtual exchange! If only we could draw names virtually...
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I'm thinking get a card and a small gift as an emergency. Remember that as far as I know there is no OM, she contacts me daily and her complaint was that I wasn't there for her. She did buy me some things for Christmas this year and that hasn't happened in the two previous years. I want to show consistency some how. The pressure is that too much can be read into Valentines day, whether to get anything or not. I think this way I'm able to mirror. The card will have to not be very romantic and the gift will have to be something like chocolate that won't go to waste. She seems to be going through the depression stage for the last several months. I see her trying out new personalities right now.
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I always used to bake a heart shaped cake..trust me, I celebrated every occasion even groundhog day.
So if anyone wants a piece of a heart shaped cake...perhaps this year it will be a tear shaped cake..let me know..I might even spring for some ice cream (???? Ready????).
I had though to compile some thoughts on love to send him but probably a very bad idea.
I am going to send him a birthday card in April but I agree, last year was a different story but this year with getting a separation it would be foolish for me to presume......
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Rebel..you just do what your heart tells you to do..just don't let her break your heart.
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Ready,
Go ahead and send the flowers but without a signatory- hmmmm. I got a humongous flower arrangement from a parent of one of students and when H saw it he asked who it was from. I could tell that it piqued his curiosity. Or we could all send you a single rose with a card "For the most patient guy we know."
Or buy a box of really good chocolate and enjoy it for yourself.
Or a card.
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Ready,
I'm still chuckling at your post.
Brilliant!
L
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Or buy a box of really good chocolate and enjoy it for yourself.
This is the BEST idea.
Do something for you and don't worry about the MLC'er!
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Rebel, the key to whatever you decide or not decide to do is definitely to try not to have any expectations at all.
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Oh, I won't. I'll just mirror by being prepared.
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Hi, RY. This will be my second Valentine's Day without H. I sent him a nice "friendly" Valentine's Day card last year. He was so into his MLC he didn't even acknowledge it. I have sent him cards, notes, etc. throughout the year for most occasions and he never really acknowledged them. Once in a while he would surprise me by sending a text and thanked me. He would say something about it was "kind" of me or "sweet". I sent him a Christmas card and ordered him some fruit. He sent me a text telling me thanks but he also stated that my "kindness amazed him". I replied that I was a little confused as to why he was "amazed" at my kindness so he proceeds to compare me to my friends (some in particular who works with him).....as to the fact that they treat him "hateful".........and he tells me my kindness and their treatment towards him is so different. I took it that he still blames me in some ways because of how he is treated by these people in particular.......because they are MY friends. I've debated as to what I should do or if I should do anything for Valentine's Day. In my heart I want to send him a card just to show him that I still care and that I'm still here for him but I'm beginning to think that perhaps giving him some of his own medicine (mirror) and do nothing. Maybe this will make him start thinking that he has lost me for sure. The contact between us has been off and on..........I've gotten stronger in the fact that I'm able to stop myself from contacting him. He will end up contacting me and I will respond. He normally stops the contact by not answering my last text.........I'm learning to be the last one to reply. I can't say that it is working but I've got nothing but time. My H (ex) and I are divorced (3 months) but I still hold onto the hope and faith that he will want to return.
Stay strong.
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LMM, it's just a piece of paper.
How many people do you know that got divorced and then re married. It happens all the time.
We all don't know what we had until it's gone.
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I know one couple that got remarried. How many does everyone else know? Does it really happen all the time? I wonder if we are just trying to make ourselves feel better. I'm looking for hope but wonder how much I'm kidding myself.
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Don't know so much about getting remarried but I know 5 friends who have separated and are back together plus I have heard stories of others. Unfortunately, I also have many friends who are not back together so it's hard to tell.
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I will celebrate Valentines with my daughters and if w wants to come she is more than invited. I did think of having chocolates and roses sent to my house from my w. With a card that says "Dearest Ready, you are the best thing that ever happened in my life. Hugs and Kisses." I would take the flower and candy give her a hug and say, "You are so sweet to do such a nice thing for me. " All's I got you was a card.
Her MLC mind would be so confused that she would not know what to say or do. I could see the gears clogging - when did I get him flowers and chocolates? How did this happen? HMMMMMMM. HMMMMM. I need an aspirin this thinking is giving me a headache.
The real thing is not to have any expectations at all and you will be just fine.
Ready...you are awesome...I think I might send myself some flowers too...even if it IS only to confuse my H, lol...I'm worth it and deserve it...even if it is from myself...and so do you!
Hugs,
xo
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Rebel Yell:
I know it is just a piece of paper (divorce) as I have been told this many times. He is still my husband in my heart because I love him so much. I don't know of any couples who have divorced/remarried even though I have heard stories. I do have one very close friend who divorced and after one year her ex contacted her and they have been "friends" (platonic) for the past 10 years. They do everything together and do not see other people.
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H absolutely hates going 'out' on valentines day. We always did something at home or just went out a different day.
I'm going to help D make a card for her daddy. Probably will ask to have her that day and let her have a party with her cousins and a couple friends. That way I get to have some fun with D. H will either be working or out on a date with OW, so I think he will be fine with it.
Think it will be the best thing for me, and a good excuse to make cupcakes.
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Hmmm. Valentines' Day - fraught with potholes and landmines, LOL!!
I haven't decided... kinda waiting to see if my husband gives me a hint that we will celebrate at all... I don't really want to, because it's awkward, even though appears to be home. We love each other, but I don't see many cards that are appropriate for the situation we're all in....
Perhaps an act of service, such as a car wash or something generic, yet thoughtful, like a Barnes & Noble giftcard with a note "thanks for all you do... take some time for yourself and enjoy a new book!" or maybe a Starbucks gift card "Just a little treat to show you how much I appreciate all you do....". Instead of a card, maybe just a personal note - short and sweet! Those are ideas geared more for women, I think....
Any ideas for what to get a husband?
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LG - What about a new towel? :)
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I'm with Ready.... perhaps I buy myself yet another new pair of shoes. As a girl can never have too many!
Good one trusting!!!! ;D
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LG - What about a new towel? :)
LOL!
What is his love language? :o OK, whats second on that list then? :)
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LG - what about a new towel?
OMG!!! What is WRONG with me!! It was SO obvious!! ;D
"Dear Mr. LG, I thought for a very long time about what I could get you that would show you how deep my commitment and love for you is... nothing is too good for you, my sweet! Please hang your new towel next to mine on the towel rack so they will never be apart and I hope you think of me every time you use it! XO, and love you forever, LG" :-*
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Make it a HAND towel hehehe.
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So, what do you all think of sending this link? Listen carefully to the lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KkUeRPjc-Y
Ftt
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Sorry but it anything like that will just push farther away. We have to do nothing most of the time but live our lives.
It's so hard loosing our lover, our best friend and our confidant but hang in there everyone.
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hmmm, I think it may be time that I pick up my guitar again....
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I just got a card that wasn't too bad. Something about W being a blessing. Nothing more, no lovey dovey stuff.
I also picked up a box of chocolates. Both will be given in return if something is given to me.
It's like a love parachute! ;)
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xyzcf, I've got so many guitars around here I trip on em, they don't play themselves! Get back at it.
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When I got my first guitar at 13, I used to slam my bedroom door when I was upset and sing at the top of my lungs and play really, really hard..my mom could always tell when I was feeling better as the music got softer and slower. The thing is, it worked....but I haven't played in such a long time.
Perhaps I'll pull one out (we have several as well) and play Gordon Lightfoot's "Only a go go girl in love with someone who doesn't care..." Bravenew world could join us and perhaps we could all play together via Skype..I bet there are a few more "folk singers around here.."
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That sounds more polite than a certain Harry Nilsson song I remember!
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I'm so glad you started this thread because I've already been mulling about this myself!!
Last year my H made plans to go snowmobiling all day on Valentines Day (sending a direct message to me), so the day before, he brought home small bunches of flowers for our daughters and me. It was clear I only got flowers because he wanted to look good to the girls. I think I gave him some of his favorite coffee or something.
I like the idea of having something small on hand just in case it's needed. I'd rather my H didn't get me anything because it would again be to save face in front of the kids only. He doesn't love me and doesn't want me, it's ridiculous celebrate the day in any way.
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Lol, I was thinking (not seriously of course ;)) that sending H a quick email on the 15th saying, "thanks for the flowers, but I am not sure that it was appropriate to send them under the circumstances" and just sit back and let him wonder if I DID get flowers and if I did, who were they actually from....
With game playing ideas like that in my head, you could be excused for thinking I am in MLC (don't worry, I am not going to do it!)
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On a serious note, I am planning a special day for myself doing a favourite activity I haven't done in a long time on the weekend before V day - kids are away and I am going to give MYSELF a valentines day to remember! And the best thing about this is I get to treat myself to the sort of day I would have always loved to receive from H, but he was not creative enough (or maybe thoughtful enough?) to arrange it for me - remember, self love first fellow LBS's!
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Last year on V day my h got me Flowers and a card that said to my darling HG hope you have a wonderful day, love you always :o then a few weeks later he took up with ow again. I gave him nothing and he will get nothing again this year.
I will not be a hypocrite he is not my Valentine unless maybe it is linked to the famous Valentine day massacre ;)
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Hyper,
Your post made me laugh.
I will no nothing about Valentine's Day, as well.
Currently, my H and I are virtually NC. It would make absolutely no sense to do anything for Valentine's Day.
Which means he probably will do something (no expectations - truly at all) - as currently nothing he does makes any sense.
L
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I haven't decided... kinda waiting to see if my husband gives me a hint that we will celebrate at all... I don't really want to, because it's awkward, even though appears to be home. We love each other, but I don't see many cards that are appropriate for the situation we're all in....
Perhaps an act of service, such as a car wash or something generic, yet thoughtful, like a Barnes & Noble giftcard with a note "thanks for all you do... take some time for yourself and enjoy a new book!" or maybe a Starbucks gift card "Just a little treat to show you how much I appreciate all you do....". Instead of a card, maybe just a personal note - short and sweet! Those are ideas geared more for women, I think....
Thanks LG, I have been wondering what to do. My wife and I love each other also but she has been depressed for a long time and says that she wants no gifts. I love gifts or prizes, I miss receiving from the W. It has been 3-4 years of no gifts for anything. At least I know how to take care of myself with gifts.
Like you said about the act of service, My wife still does all the chores around the home as she has always done since we first married, of course I help a little but not nearly enough I am working on trying to help out more. But a gift for her acts of service I think she might appreciate, given to her on valentines day might work. I am sure she will be telling me this week to not get her anything for valentines day and to tell the kids not to get her anything. Thanks again for the Idea. Hfb
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Have just found out my Beloved will be in town Feb 15th..thinking I should tie 32 years of VD cards that he has sent me and that I have saved with a beautiful satin ribbon and drop them off to his place of work. Ha!
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I ordered two copies of the Mumford and Sons CD, one for me and one for him- it was voted top album of 2010 at our local alternative radio station. It´s the kind of music you can belt out at top volume while driving in the car and it has some truth darts along with supportive lyrics for both the LBS and the MLCer. I did look at the grocery store at the card section and nothing popped out at me.
I wouldn´t know what to write anyway. This way I can just give him the CD and say it was the number one album of the year- enjoy.
I bought myself some realistic looking silk roses and I´ll arrange them with some real greenery- a gift from me to me.
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Nothing - I'm going to try and ignore the day - go to Body Combat instead ;D
Last year I have a beautiful card - 'To the Woman I love' and I was sent a dozen beautiful red roses, 3 weeks later it started to go wrong.
SKxx
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I'll get a backup card, just in case too. Thanks for the ideas.
Think I'll try to find something to do with the kids on that terrible-night.
At Xmas, she didn't buy anybody anything. I setup the tree, wrapped, bought, everything. And I even gave myself some presents, and wrapped them, labeled to Myself from W. And I opened them while she was there too. She got a chuckle out of it, and so did I. But still, it did sting.
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I say get something just in case. All depends on your situation.
But while you're thinking of them......Instead or in addition to, if you can afford it, do something nice for yourself. Seriously. If that's taking your self to dinner, go for it. If you have some extra cash and want to buy yourself a nice pair of earrings or a round of golf, or whatever....do it.
Years ago, before I met my H, I was engaged to an idiot and the wedding was cancelled the night before...yeah, long story. At any rate, I took the crappy ring he bought and traded it in, whipped out my charge, and bought myself a gorgeous ring. It wasn't that expensive but it was more than I was used to.
I have it to this day and it always reminds me I can and will survive anything this life throws at me. It was much more than just a little spoiling...it was a way to remind myself that I was important and deserved something nice.
Bonnie
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I had originally said I wouldn't do anything........no card, nothing. So, while I was out shopping this weekend I ended up in the card section. I looked and looked........even picked out a couple of "non-mushy" cards........put them back and walked off. I talked myself out of it. I wanted to be kind and sweet........sending him a nice generic card but then thought better of it. My xH and I have very little contact.......maybe an email or text every 3 weeks or so. My decision NOT to mail him a card was hard but I hope that perhaps it will occur to him that I didn't send him a card. Throughout this entire process since he left me I had sent him cards........"just thinking of you" cards, Birthday card and Christmas card. Time to stop and see if it makes a difference. He knows I'm here and he knows how I feel.
Bonnie, I like your idea. I plan to do something nice for myself. Happy Valentine's Day to me!
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Well, I already bought new leopard print towels for me, so my husband could have my old/new ones.... so a new towel is "out", LOL!
He is telling me he wants to take me to Atlantic City for the 13th, and by some miracle, I'm off work that day and ALSO the 14th, so it's "do-able".... he also suggested that if we just booked a room at the local Crown Plaza, we wouldn't have to get anyone to sit with the kids..... I said, "we're not having sex, so getting a local hotel room seems like a waste..." He says he "gets that" and so will try for Atlantic City... that would actually be fun, believe it or not!
I'm undecided about getting him a card.... WTH would it say? "Thank you for spending THIS V-Day with me instead of OW like you did last year?" or "even though you're not really "feeling it" I appreciate the effort..." :o
I mean, if he gets me a card and takes me somewhere for a drink, why do I have to reciprocate??? He needs to woo ME.... not the other way around. :o
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I love the idea of doing something special for ourselves - especially the ring idea!! I've been toying with the idea of buying myself a new inexpensive ring anyway to wear in place of my wedding ring. I'm having such a hard time making myself wear it lately since the promises it symbolized were a lie. I also am beginning to feel like a fool wearing it since H hasn't worn his for most of the past two years.
Anyway, my D has a basketball game on valentines day so at least there won't be that awkwardness of "we should be going out or something but we're not".
I'm undecided about getting him a card.... WTH would it say? "Thank you for spending THIS V-Day with me instead of OW like you did last year?" or "even though you're not really "feeling it" I appreciate the effort..." :o
Hahahaha!! You may have a million dollar idea there! "Alternative" Valentines Day cards!!
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you mention ow
I'll emasculate you
Hallmark here I come
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This is for the ladies who are looking for a self-treat; a woman named Amy Peters makes silver inspirational rings- I bought two and they are my 24/7 therapy. One says TRUST CHANGE ACCEPT GROW and the other says COURAGE STRENGTH HOPE WISDOM. I still wear the wedding ring, but the new ring is closer to my heart- one step removed. She has a website- check it out and treat yourself. The only downside is that the rings are a wee on the big side and after the LBS diet one needs smaller rings.
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Flame me everyone, I just asked W if she wanted to do something for Valentines. We'll probably go out to eat.
I wish I knew what she is thinking. If I ask her to do stuff, she does. I don't want to push her back farther in the
tunnel. I really believe in my case if I hadn't asked her to do something she would have thought to herself "see,
he doesn't REALLY love me".
Maybe I'll join the circus as a tightrope walker.
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If you've decided to get a card, isn't it awful? I keep trying to find an appropriate card....the ones I find always say things that I don't feel right now...or at least that don't apply to the MLC monster persona. It's brutal.
Faith, hope you got yourself a ring. I've already purchased three pieces of jewelry since this started!
They aren't all that expensive but they make me feel good....if H every asks about them I'm just going to say "because they are all about ME!" HA!
:P
Bonnie
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I looked thru the "just a friend" cards and found one that just said something like "I hope your Valentine's Day is special."
No declarations of love or happiness.
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Ack...V-Day is looming ever closer. I really hope my H doesn't acknowledge it at all, but I don't think I'll be that lucky. He'll want to try to look good to the kids. A card or gift out of obligation is much worse than getting nothing. On a day that supposed to honor "love", why would you celebrate it with someone you repeatedly say you don't love?? The madness that is the MLC mind....
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I think most of us are on the same page.
I thought about buying myself some flowers..actually writing in the card.."Happy Vday Girl! Love yourself today!"
I have also walked by the cards several times! ugh! But H would just have to hide it from OW.
I bought him a christmas gift, he loved it, H said...well atleast I got something from you, OW didn't get me a damn
thing except her back going through the Airport lobby. ( to bad she returned )
Ha!
I think I'll get my H a simple card just in case. Never know what tomorrow will bring!
Hugs everyone!
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I'm struggling so much with V day. I talked to h about it and he said "Don't get me anything" and I said
"why because you don't feel the same about me?" and he said "Don't get me anything" . My heart
is telling torn. He knows I'm madly in love with him but the thought of a card will bring up close
and personal what he threw away. I think I'll get a card and on the inside write. This was so
true of us once....too bad you are divorcing me.
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I'm struggling so much with V day. I talked to h about it and he said "Don't get me anything" and I said
"why because you don't feel the same about me?" and he said "Don't get me anything" . My heart
is telling torn.
If your aim is to make the situation worse, then I would say go ahead.
He says he doesn't want you to get him anything. Why get him a card then? Moreover why get him a card that is going to do no more than be a guilt trip? Even if he was not an MLCer, you cannot guilt or shame someone into staying with you. He would resent you for it, and you'll be in the same place all over again.
He knows I'm madly in love with him but the thought of a card will bring up close
and personal what he threw away.
That will not have the desired effect. In the best case, it will strengthen his resolve to leave. In the worst case, it starts an argument where you will beat each other up more and do even more damage to your battered marriage.
I think I'll get a card and on the inside write. This was so true of us once....too bad you are divorcing me.
This comes off as spiteful and petty; not exactly the qualities you want to project when you're trying to save your marriage...
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Still standing;
I'm not torn anymore...not getting him anything.
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That might be for the best.
If you were going to get him something, make it as tame and non-pressuring as possible. The card I got my wife was simply "Have an outstanding Valentine's Day!" and I just signed it.
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I was thinking about bagging up the used litter from the cat boxes and giving him that..
Opps! ...I forgot I gave him that for Christmas! I wouldn't want to be accused of giving uncreative gifts! ;)
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I was thinking about bagging up the used litter from the cat boxes and giving him that..
Opps! ...I forgot I gave him that for Christmas! I wouldn't want to be accused of giving uncreative gifts! ;)
I was feeling sad until I read this.
Thanks so much for helping me calm my boiling anger at the moment and laugh my ass off!
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My feeling about a card, at least in my case, is that no matter how "neutral," it doesn't work. Since his Valentine this year is the OW, I don't have any desire to wish him a happy anything. On second thought, I could say: "Happy V-D, because that is what you will most likely catch from the OW. (I know--not appropriate--but one can fantasize...)
My birthday is the day before V-Day. For the first time in nearly a quarter century I will not have a partner to share these special times with, to bake my favorite cake for me, etc. My H picked up his mail today and left a birthday card for me that says: "Happy Birthday. Celebrate the day! (his name). It actually made my stomach hurt to get that rather than nothing. It's so removed compared to all my cards of the past. More disturbing was the Valentine's card he left for D. It was very emotional, warm and fuzzy. NOTHING like his totally detached behavior. He moved out a month ago. We have not seen him since and he's made no contact with or about D. The card just made her mad. She started to read it, said "This is all a lie to make himself feel better about who he really is. I don't want it," and walked away.
On the positive side, a female friend gave me chocolate and roses today (very sweet), I am using a gift certificate to a day spa and taking myself for a massage and facial. Then my D and I are meeting friends for dinner. ON V-Day a friend I have not seen in 20 years is coming into town for business and we are meeting for dinner. His wife did this to him 12 years ago, but they survived after she got help for clinical depression. Perhaps he will have some words of wisdom.
Keep busy or spend time in prayer or reflection, lovingly taking care of yourself in whatever way is meaningful, like a hot bath with candles, music, and a glass of wine or cup of tea. It feels like everyone around us are in blissfully happy partnerships, but even a lot of people with a spouse at home, find Valentines painful. Remove the expectation and you remove the disappointment. I know--easier said than done.
Take inspiration from a single friend of mine. Last year she saw an ad for a romantic inn in New England that was offering a great get-away package for Valentine's couples. She called them up and said she would like to book a room for herself. They gave her the special rate, the bottle of wine and complimentary chocolates. She took a new novel, her favorite PJ's, went out for a decadent dinner on her own, came back to the inn, ran a warm tub, relaxed, read, slept like a baby to the sounds of a crackling fire, got up and had a beautiful winter stroll, a hearty breakfast and took herself shopping for a piece of jewelry. She had a wonderful time, all because she chose to.
May we all learn to romance and nurture ourselves so we can make ourselves happy, or better teach our spouse what we need when they return, or our next partner if that is the path we choose.
Happy Valentine's to all,
Phoenix
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"Happy V-D, because that is what you will most likely catch from the OW. "
lolololololol. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
That has made for a good start to the day for me... I am off to look at a new car for me and then I am having a day out pampering me. Happy (almost) Valentine's Day me!!!
and a great big HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of you!!!!! Make it great - you folks all demonstrate what true love is - true love is something that you give and feel even when it is not reciprocated and it is sometimes trampled on. Our MLCers know that we love them and for the time being anyway don't care. So make it about your own self love, do something you love - sport, hobby, see a friend, make yourself your favourite dinner, open a nice bottle of wine (or bubbly) and toast yourself for how far you have come since BD - cos I am guessing that evey single one of us has made some progress. Get pampered, go to a spa, get a nice healing massage... you know you should.
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I am not doing anything for H for Valentines Day... Because Christmas, Anniversary (also in Dec), and Birthday beginning of Feb., I got nothing. But the state of mind he is in, and him living with OW, I knew there would not be anything. Also when he left me in November I asked him why he is doing leaving me right before all of these special days, he told me that he didn't want to fake it. Brat! I was really hurt when he did not call on our 21st Anniversary. My family was wonderful though. Parent's were in town for the Holidays already and put together a fun dinner with family for my Anniversary,(with out him) so I wouldn't hurt so much. I did talk to H a few days after Anniversary and told him I was hurt that after 21 years of marriage he did not even call to say "Hi I know what today it is, I just wanted to say Hi" Nope, nothing. He did however call on my birthday. Maybe because I was hurt about Anniversary, thought he better call on Birthday. Who knows. I was happy though.
There is OW involved, there for he is no way going to be thinking about me on this Romantic holiday.
The devil on my one shoulder says I should put a Be Mine Valentine balloon on his car late the night before Valentines day, He lives with OW.. And two things can happen, but will have the same out come..If he leaves first in the morning, he will see it first and think it is from OW. He Will call her and thank her. ha ha. She gets an attitude and tells him it's not, then would need to know who it is from. Or she leaves for work first and sees it on his car, gets upset, and either just takes it and throws it away, or gets on his case about who it could be from... His Wife (me) or does he have another OW. Either way, No happy Valentines Day for them. Oh darn! Of course The Angel on my other shoulder knows I would never do anything like that. But it is fun thinking about it. My friend told me to send her some flowers to her with a card just saying "I still love you" And then H would get jealous and wonder who still loves her. Oh, I am bad.. Only in my mind.
Like some of you I thought about sending myself flowers. I started ordering them, and then started getting sad about it. But I think I just might go get some tomorrow. to me, from me! I think it will cheer me up. And I wasn't going to get the red, white romantic ones, I was thinking of getting Bright yellow, Orange, white, cheery ones. To brighten the day. We should all do that. We deserve it.
Ibelieve
:)
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AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH I want to scream... at yoga this am, all about Valentine's day and love and opening our heart- yeck... then at the grocery store the teller cheerfully wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day..and it's still 36 hours away!!
Is there a bah humbug equivalent for this dreadful celebration!
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Sounds like you're mad enough to stomp bunnies! ;D
I guess I'm lucky this way..it's been years since he got me anything so I don't imprint on the holiday. When we got married I was planning on it being Valentines day-Whew! Glad I didn't do that.
BUT our anniversary would have been the 23rd of this month. I think I'll be ok with it. Would have been 21 years married. And 28 years together.
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Plan on doing something to celebrate you on your anniversary..I've had two now away from him..I was totally spoiled on ALL occasions so being totally spoiled is NOT a good thing. Always yellow roses, sometimes sent to my work when I was working, very expensive dinners out, beautiful loving cards (all of which I kept), the best chocolate available....very, very spoiled.
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I remember last Valentine's Day very well. My wife was not feeling well and had not been sleeping well.......both of which (coincidentally) are symptoms of stress and depression......hmmmm.....
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WOW roses? Chocolates??
Not a chance for any of that with me..not even a crummy card most times.
I think one time a years ago he wrote me a letter and it was very heartfelt and sweet. I would be happier with that than anything else he could buy.
For my birthday one year my best friend ( female) sent me a beautiful flower bouqet for my birthday hoping to make him feel bad. She would be outraged every year that he would do nothing for me on occassions like that.
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Shoot, I was so good to my H last year. I let him off the hook... I told him Valentines weekend was all about him for once. It's usually all about me. I told him he can work on his guy stuff all weekend in the garage. He was so happy. We ended up cleaning the garage for two days. But too his credit, he did make me a steak dinner after. It was a great weekend even though we worked really hard. Not that it got me anywhere this year. :'( I'm just sad today.
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I wish we all lived on the same island together where we'd do away with anything that was painful and never have to be alone or lonely because there would always be someone to chat with, go for a walk, have a glass of wine, play some cards, sing some songs with..it would be our own Utopia and we could celebrate stuff like watching flowers bloom or dogs chasing frisbees or children getting dressed up to play..it would be so wonderful we'd never want to leave to go back to our spouses...
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Thanks for the visual xyzcf. That sounds wonderful right now. Can you imagine all of us on an island telling our stories.
"Me too, me too, yeah, me too, I know mine too," would be heard allot. As if we were all married to the same spouse.
I know, then they can be on another Island on the other side of the world with the OP... All you would hear there would be arguing.
hahaaaa.. I feel so much better now :D
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Boy an island sounds pretty good right now!
It's about 2 degrees here and the wind is blowing.
The girls went to a play with ExMIL and I'm watching Pride and Predjuice for about the 100th time in these 8 months.
I've tried to look at the holidays this way:
This is the way it has to be for THIS year.
Who knows whats going to happen next year.
But whatever that is having lived through this nightmare so far and still be upright and not resigned to spending the rest of my life in bed under the covers. I am happy.
I understand the not knowing is the hard part. Try not to be sad. I know it is hard.
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My dilemma is a little different. Talked to W today and we are supposed to find something for us to do tomorrow (Sunday)
for Valentines Day.
She said, "you don't have something planned for us?" as if I would have assumed that she would want to do something.
I never was much of a leader in my family, I let her plan everything. She knows that those days are gone. I've planned things
for our anniversary, birthdays, Christmas......
I think I'm lost, my sitch just doesn't seem to be like most on here. I did explain that it's tough for me to ask her
to do stuff for fear that she would feel like it's pressure from me and I don't want her to feel that.
Again, W seems to respond positively to any kind of nice things I do.
I could be wrong but I think she may be seeing the new me, not that guy that was just plodding through his life.
Also when we kiss and it's more than a peck on the lips, she will get very emotional. I thought it was guilt,
but now I think she's afraid. ???
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Blue, each is the same and different.
H kisses me and recently it changed from hard pecks to softer lips (not yesterday I upset him)
he does things for me all the time.
And yet he is not here. He goesto ow at least 2 a week. becasue I upset him yesterday my bet is he will spend a fewmore days there this week, to "show me" who is boss.
Pft.
don't worry whether it's MLC or not you are welcome to stand foryour marriage here.
It could also be like my H was at the beginning, still very much here BIG touch and goes. So don't be surprised if she withsraws.
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I think we have already gone through a lot of withdrawing. I don't know where we are and I try now to dwell on it.
It boils down to her needing to love herself.
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I am getting my H the same as I got him last yr only in blue... Sweet FA ;)
Until i feel my h fully respects me i could not bring myself to write lies on a card that means nothing. I read what he wrote on last yrs card to me Barf....shortly before he once again made contact with OW so....does it really matter ????
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I don't get Valentine's day... it's a purely commercial day, and only a day. It's nothing compared with the bumpy ride we're going through.
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I feel so detached that Valenitines day has no sifnificance for me. It is likely that H wil take OW somewhere lovely but I am not going to let it have head room.
There is no point. What will be will be lol.
I was in a supermarket the other day. As you walk out all the clothes are there. Ever since he has been gone I looked at them and things I would have bought. That day I walked past and didn't notice. Yes detachment ;)
xx
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I agree very commercial ............ but instead of our MLC getting a card from us or we receiving one I send one to you all ,
Happy Valentines Day !!!!
People come and people go,
In and out of your life and so
When one shines bright among the rest,
And is there when needed, you're truly blessed.
That is how I see you all, cyber friends of mine,
And why I'm sending this Valentine.
WITH LOTS OF LOVE and thanks
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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Thanks bewildered! You're so talented :D
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PS
I really don't think so but thanks for the compliment .......... xx
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Very nice, Bewildered!
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I dont know if I totally messed things up today....I gave my H a V card.
it was a lil pushy...saying our love can pull us through anything Happy V day
I put my own sentimentals in there as well...
" I will be the lighthouse in your fog, the beacon in your storm, your strength when you are weak, and your rock
when you need someone to stand and fight..Because, YOU are worth it!"
I said, I know you cannot take this with you, and I dont want to upset you..but happy V day.
He cried. Said thank you. I gave him a hug...He dried his tears and said...please do not throw this away.
I said: of course not. and then he just said..I have good moments...Good moments.
( whatever that meant)
Oh well, I had to do it. I have never missed a single day that deserves a card. I dont think I can start now.
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synicca,
I don't see anything wrong with the card you gave him. It says things that you are feeling. But I am a newbie so might not be the right thing to say to you. The others will chime in. I gave my h a card kind of like that for our Anniversary. He said he would take it to work. I said to him "If you are just saying that, and are going to throw it away as soon as you leave, then I would rather keep it, and save it for you." He smiled and told me he was really gong to keep it at work. I was upset because I knew why he had to take it to work and not to the apartment. But I was also happy that he even wanted to keep it.. But like I said I am such a newbie, I am not detaching very well. I have so much to learn from you all.
bewildered,
Thanks for the Happy Valentines! Really nice words.
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Thanks Ibelieve....This whole thing is insane isn't it? Questioning something as simple as a card...when it never
was an issue in our minds before, we just did it.
Ugh! Our Anniversary is on the 28th of this month, another very difficult and painful day ahead..but I'll be damned
if I dont get him another card...:)
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Hey- you forgot to add to the card
AND I"LL BE THE FOGHORN WHEN YOU F UP!!
I know our 21st annivesay would have been the 23rd... OH well never got anything from him before don't plan on getting anything this year. I'm not anticipating feeling any flood of tears or anything. Gotta take the girls to the dentist that day.
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IIFTLH!!! No KIDDING!! now why didn't I think of that! Shoot!! hehehe
I believe my Anni should be one of my checkpoints...We had always gotten eachother something and went out
for a special dinner...Now, I'm not holding my breath and i have no idea how I will handle it.
knowing how I have been these days...I'll probably cry like a baby! Ugh! and that just might be the "Kicker" for me.
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Well, I've mulled it around for a couple weeks and have decided I won't be getting my H a card or anything tomorrow. I've been at this for almost two years now and decided a couple months ago that I'm no longer setting myself up to hear "I'm in a different place than you", "I told you I'm done", "nothing in me wants this marriage anymore", etc. etc. ETC. I can't hear it anymore. So that means my only card options would be the generic ones that just say "happy valentines day", and what would be the point? I suppose the point would be taking away his fun of telling his parents and friends that I did nothing for him. Giving him one more reason to be the victim.
I just don't want to play the games anymore. I'm tired.
I'll get my girls a little gift of their favorite candy or something. I expect H to give me a couple flowers or something to present in front of the girls and make himself feel like a good person and enhance his feelings of victimhood. We'll sit together at my D's basketball game tomorrow night and pretend to be a family.
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Hmmm, I think I will get some flowers...send them to the OW and say from a "secret admirer" I think your hot"..... just to sort of "stir the pot" ya know?... put on the card that "we" should meet. State a meeting site and then I could hide-out to see if she shows. Lol, I know...sick, sick, sick.
I am going out to lunch with my d and her sig-other. We are going for Chinese at fave restaurant. And then to Bookstore for browsing. Their idea, so even better!
No cards. No presents for H. I did get him a tee-shirt for Christmas that I couldn't pass up, left it on table and said, "saw it...thought of you...got it."
I got back a note on table saying THANKS.
Love and light-S
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Sideways - good plan except it makes OW look desirable to other men. Much better to send flowers to H with a note saying something like, "Thanks for the other day, I never thought I'd meet a man like you!" (OW's already know that H is capable of cheating, why not play on her fears!) Hehehe.
Seriously, I am not sending a V card or anything to H. I am no longer pursuing him. I told him matter of factly last week that I don't want a D. He knows how I feel about him, but I am not going to "romance" someone who will only reject it (or consider it an ego boost - 2 women want him!!! - rather than think about how it means I am feeling).
Remember MLC is all about them. They only care how they are feeling. While in replay, us LBS's are currently a fall back option at best and an major irritation at worst. I am going to take my S out for a Valentines "afternoon of fun" (cos I love him and he loves me!), cook my kids a nice dinner, pour myself a glass of red and thank God for the blessings I do have, and also that I don't have to live with H in his current state. ;D
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Don't waste your money or your thoughts on her.
SKxx
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Too right SK - I was joking in case anyone was thinking of actually doing this!! ;D
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Faith
I know I got the "I'm done with you" thng also. They spew unkind things and I made a stand bout that to him fairly recently. I didn't deserve those things being said and he needed to stop.
Now I'm getting "there's so much lost time, damage, and empty space between us" And he's scared that usually starts the emails
And by the end he's practically begging for me to give it some more time.OW is out of the picture now BUT he still has a lot to do in regards to himself. And he's avoided it for 6 months now thinking SHE was the answer.
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FAITH AND IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL
If this is helpful ..
Nearly a year ago my H was like this kinda begging for me to understand he was in pain but that he didn't know why but he at the same time was lying about his OW and so much more - he once said to me as we walked down a road him running after me after I had tried hard to just have a nice lunch with him and he had been either pathetic or mean and Id said -
You know H I find these lunches etc very useless - I try and understand you and listen to you but you don't have any empathy or appreciation of the issues that I am trying to talk to you about its not about us its about practical things (we own a old house and he wont take any responsibilities for it) and etc then I change the subject to let the words sink in so was talking about politics (night before the election) and what did he say when I said what do you think (meaning who'd win) he said "I'm never coming home - do you understand, I'm done with you!! " well .. i said who asked you to come home what is wrong with you why don't you look in a mirror and see yourself and I just want to shake you and get rid of this negativity and meanness its so not you?
His reply, by then we had left restaurant and were walking down the road "you are your own worst enemy" and then I said "what are you talking about?? how are you feeling to say this to me it doesn't make sense??" and shook my head and he said,
"well I don't know maybe I mean myself is my own worst enemy I don't know and I cant look in a mirror as its too scary and I don't feel anyting I CAN'T feel anything anymore!!!
I just lost it and said you are selfish and spineless and I don't want to do this again !
I went on the underground with him following me and me saying please go away!! You are so selfish and uncaring about us (kids and me) that I don't want to spend any time with you... he followed me to the hotel I was staying in and I just turned around and said Have a great life - I intend too.
I knew he was lying knew he was going on Holiday with his OW and he sat there and lied to my face, my respect for him was zero
so the same s*** from their MLC mouths .. but I have since had nothing like this and when I confronted him with the proof of the OW he visibly shrank and I think hes processing it but still looking for happiness
These MLC men are em brassingly stupid and if we let ourselves get caught up in their fantasy we will come off worse I really think so ......... let them play our their soap opera and you well don't even take a bit part - let them see what and where they are in full technicolour and the lack of real love that doesn't surround them
I know my H misses me ............ misses everything but he hides it and one day the curtain will disappear and if I have let his MLC fantasy into m life I wont be able to make the right decisions for me regarding him so you be selfish care and Love him from a distance but admit hes not someone you feel respect for empathy yes but respect to me is so important - trust and integrity needs to be rebuilt if he has the courage to do it !!
love and valentines day is a nothing day unless you are 16!
love B
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Happy Valentines Day to the Broken Hearted.
Be strong. Your Heavenly Father loves you.
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Well I just told D14
"HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" :D :D
Her reply:
"Oh fu*k it"
TOOOOOO FUNNY!!!
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WOW, Bewildered! I just read your post and I'm just floored..........if we didn't step back when our H's started all of this we would truly be crazy by now. If I ever doubted my xH going through MLC I don't any more. Just reading everything you said about your conversation with you H really sheds light on this for me. These spouses are NOT the ones we married. Listening to them and being around them is so stressful and so hard to grasp anything they say. There's no other explanation for their actions and their words other than MLC. I'm so convinced about my xH now. The LBS's would literally go crazy if we let them pull us into their drama. It took me several months of research and reading to come to the conclusion that it is MLC. If I hadn't done that I would have lost my mind. I blamed myself for so much in the beginning. I realized it wasn't me........it was all him. My xH said weird things to me and just reading what you posted hits so close to home. Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes I just want to scream! I don't understand it, but I accept it. This site has truly been a blessing but it's still so sad and discouraging to read about so many others in this situation. God truly needs to help us and our spouses. Thank you again.
I will say, "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY"...........but it doesn't hold much meaning to me.
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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYONE!! :) :) :)
So My H sent me a text this morning, " Happy Valentines Day! :) "
I relied, Aww Thanks, Happy Valentines day to you too"
H replied, " I truly hope you have a wonderful day, Sorry I cannot be there, and thank you again for the card"
My relpy, " I hope you have a wonderful day as well, Do not worry H, Just knowing
your thinking of me, helps"
H Reply, " More then you know, MORE then you know.
My reply, For me as well, again..I truly hope you have a day filled with peace and joy"
H reply, " I need that soooooo much, You have no idea"
My reply, " actually, I do know...More then You know"
H reply, " :)
My reply, " big warm hugs"
H reply, " awww thank you, I sooooo needed that today"
My reply, " :)"
So anywho...Just wanted to share with you, my convo. It does bother me that in his mind, he thinks he can't be with me, But because I do know where his head is, I can let it go. ( besides, he is at work for the better part of today) hehe
I think I'll treat myself and My d to something nice today...Bless us all! :o)
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Here's my Valentine's day advice.... DO NOT GET THEM A CARD! Don't text, call, email or otherwise acknowledge the day.... there is NO part of this day that holds ANY romance or feelings ABOUT US, all it would do is reassure them that they are fabulous and spectacular and can get away with murder and STILL get your positive attention. Send them to the Valentine's Day Corner and go do something nice for yourself. :)
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Happy Valentines Day RY and All!!
Enjoy YOUR day!
Just letting you know, I was Just Kidding in my previous post! I wouldn't waste my time or money on OW. H can spend the day with " Ol' Nebbie." (The OW).
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To everyone on this forum.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!
((((((((HUGS))))))))
Be good to yourself because that is what is important on Valentines Day.
YOU!!!!
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I think this Valentine's Day is a perfect day for some self-love, or spending it with your kids or other loved ones.
Go and see a movie, or grab some lunch with a friend you haven't talked to in a while. If you have kids, go do something fun with them; depending on their ages that could be the playground, the movies, the mall...
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Well, I took W out yesterday shopping and to dinner. I did everything a person can do to push and it looks like we both survived.
I started out with asking her if we could both wear our wedding rings! They are back off this morning though, mine broke as I took it off, reckon that's a sign? :-\ I poked and prodded all day long, tears here and there. Funny, we were holding hands and she said our hands didn't fit together, never did. I laughed and said are you serious? She gets most of what's going on
but the wall around her heart is so high that nothing gets in except bad emotions. I asked her if me kissing her scared her and she said yes.
At the end of the "date" she said she had a really good time. I said, "you did"?
Go figure, I was pretty tough on her with the truth but she seemed to survive.
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just got a Happy Vday text. How do I respond to that????
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If you feel like it just wait a couple hours and text back, "you too" or "U2"?
I'm not a texter, or much of a typer for that matter!
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"Thank you" or "You too" should work fine.
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U2 was my first thought as well. Is this a first for Vday?
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Thanks for the advice Blue, SS, Buggy and LIW....I will take some time this morning to process. Will let ya know what I do...I am tempted to ignore, but he has been opening up a bit recently.
Some other responses that have crossed my mind...."Hope it is romantic as mine" "Hope your day is full of love and romance" "Thanks for reminding me" "You have got to be kidding" "Thanks for reminding me I do not have a valentine" "Thanks for reminding me my valentine is spending the day with a ho"
LIW....LettingGo and I are often confused. I cannot take credit for her wonderful advice! But I am always flattered by the mix ups :)
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I am tempted to ignore, but he has been opening up a bit recently.
MY advice in bold!
Anything else is pursuing.
But what do I know!
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Twas Valentine's Day this year
And all through the house
My husband was hiding
Behind the cloak of a louse
My heart had been shattered
So detachment was my goal
And yet I kept begging
For it was my dignity he stole
So I twisted and twirled
I cried and then I screamed
Where is my loving spouse?
What happened to my dreams?
But slowly I awakened
To the truth that was there:
The less I struggled
The less I would care
Be it mentally or physically
I am on my own at least for awhile
So I found out I liked myself
And that made me smile
Not chocolates nor flowers
Nor a kind word from my man
Could match what I learned
And suddenly tall I did stand
I am my own person
And though his feelings did drift
Loving myself and living my life
Is the greatest of all gifts
So Happy Valentine's Bonnie
To my reflection I will say
I love you very much
And more each and every day.
Happy Valentine's Day all you great folks!
Bonnie
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Bonnie, you're very clever! I loved your poem and your attitude.
It's my H's birthday today and he emailed me a long business email. I replied 'OK, thanks" and I did not mention his birthday or valentine's day. I think he was looking for something from me, cause the 'business' wasn't urgent. I have let go and I think he's feeling it. But I really have, and don't feel anything good for him now, only the memories of what was. If feels good, I feel free, and I don't have fear.
Happy Valentine's to you all!
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Loveisntweakness
I thought about repling:
"I don't know where this is going.."
I've gotten that one a few times!
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Bonnie
fantastic poem
and Remembered last year on our Wedding aAniversary my H suddenly e-mailed me re 'nothing'urgent and I did the same as you replied no mention of our WA
so hate these silly childish games .......... B
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Working in my office and I got a call from my w to meet her in the front. She brought me StarBucks for Valentine's Day. How Sweet. I was expecting nothing so this is big to me!!!
((((Hugs))))
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Little woo hoo for ya Ready.
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I was expecting nothing so this is big to me!!!
It is big. i think it is the first time in months she has acknowledged you isn't it??? YaHoo!
(((hugs))) for you ready.
BTW...I replied with a "I am enjoying the salad you sent in"..... (last night he sent DS home with a salad for me from the restaurant they went to)
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Yeah Congrats Ready. Baby steps.
(Best I can hope for is more drama)
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That is good, she has done something not entirely self-absorbed. That is good news. :D
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Ready,
That is surprising. And, actually kind of ....nice.
She is thinking of you. Good for her.
You deserve it.
L
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Ready
that seems like a significant gesture, hope it made your valentines day
FB
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Very ............ sweet and hoepfully the beginning of more and more kind thoughts as you deserve it X b
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It's about friggin time Ready!!!! >:( >:(
Sorry I'm not very patient as of late ::) ::)
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Congrates, Ready. I know you truly deserve it. Hopefully, this is a step towards bigger and better things to come. You enjoy it.
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That's nice, Ready.
I got a note from my H this morning. It said, "I paid the mortgage, the checking account is low."
Not quite the Valentine note I was hoping for........(http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17432.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)
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Working in my office and I got a call from my w to meet her in the front. She brought me StarBucks for Valentine's Day. How Sweet. I was expecting nothing so this is big to me!!!
That is awesome! Take it for the win that it is.
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That's nice, Ready.
I got a note from my H this morning. It said, "I paid the mortgage, the checking account is low."
Not quite the Valentine note I was hoping for........(http://planetsmilies.net/confused-smiley-17432.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)
9 more words than I got, STILL, :) :) :)
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For me the part that hurts is not that he isn't getting me anything or even saying anything to me but that he hasn't
sent anything to D15. I used to always remind him to send her flowers. And that he will be giving OW a valentine :'(
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9 more words than I got, STILL,
9 more words than I cared to get, OP. (http://planetsmilies.net/winking-smiley-42.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)
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H has never been into V day. But I bought him some gourmet ice-cream and chocolate, and gave him a head message. He looked at me happily, and said "you spoil me, thank you Mermaid"
Just a happy day.
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Whatever-
If you had to remind him to send her flowers, imagine the fog he's in right now with no reminder??
And it's not your job to remind him; get her some from you!
And you don't know if he got OW a valentine.maybe he did AND they are fighting right now because it wasn't what she wanted or wasn't expensive or thoughtful enough etc etc...
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long haul;
you are right about that! D15 actually got me flowers and said I'm sorry you are having a tough VD.
I got her candy.
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I say....Even if they do get their OW/OM's something for Vday....It has hollow meaning.
We know that "our" love for them is deeper then any "fantasy" they believe they are in today.
So Let'em! Do we really give a crap? I mean...it's just materialistic Bull$hit! :)
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And you don't know if he got OW a valentine.maybe he did AND they are fighting right now because it wasn't what she wanted or wasn't expensive or thoughtful enough etc etc...
Yes...I am sure most of the OW got grocery store flowers (as opposed to costco roses,lol) and a card with one of the creepy smiling dogs with human teeth that says "You make me smile." ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Take this in account:
We all 'know" that it is a "fantasy" therefor its Not real...if the "love" isn't real. then the "gesture" isn't real.
SO it truly has NO meaning behind it.
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We all 'know" that it is a "fantasy" therefor its Not real...if the "love" isn't real. then the "gesture" isn't real.
SO it truly has NO meaning behind it.
So true!!!
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Valentines Day is officialy over ..............................
yeah!!!!
Now all I have to wait for and see is wil l he say Hi to his horrible and evil nasty spouse on her birthday next Thursday?
Last year I was so lucky - don't all of you get jealous because he sent me a text said
H. B'day
(only joking) !
The year before nothing .. so last year I though ahhh so sweet, well from a MLC er hey!!
PLEASE NOTICE how very low .......... my expectations are, this year I am hoping for the missing words -
appy and irth- pray he makes it happen for me!!
Then i will sleep with a happy heart
;D :D ;D :D ;)
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Every day now I pray when I open my emails there's nothing from him...and I've been VERY happy there isn't!!
No news is good news.
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I feel the same exact way. Glad this day can be put behind us. I also hate seeing any emails from my xH. Of course, even when he sends something it is nothing close to anything personal. He treats me like I'm a coworker...........oh, but wait, that's not right........he treats them better than me. I have envisioned him checking his mailbox this evening with a slight "hope" of getting a Valentine's Day card from me.............but the joke is on him.........cause I didn't send one! Ha!
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a card with one of the creepy smiling dogs with human teeth that says "You make me smile
ok..getting no acknowledgement is definitely better than that!
I love the sense of humour and resignation on here today....YEAH Ready's wife!!!! and Still.....what goes through their minds?
I sent my Beloved a brief "blessing this morning"..no Happy VD ..haven't heard back at all...I find that interesting actually as I think he is afraid of how he feels and cannot respond..same thing happened with no Christmas greeting...
Because he's a vanisher, every now and then I feel the need to reach out a bit..I know, that may be seen as pursuing and perhaps was not appropriate but I figure..what the heck, I have absolutely nothing to lose.
So glad you all talked me out of baking those cookies!
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You got it! That's why I dumped EVERYTHING on him, EVERYTHING I needed and wanted to say, so I could just GET ON WITH IT!!
I just don't care anymore what his problem is I needed to do something for ME for a stinkin' switch! Nothing to lose is the motto. He's already gone....whoever that thing was and I hope he doesn't come back. And if he does with any luck for him ( or I ) he will be somebody different!!
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Well today was strange for me. After doing everything to push yesterday I take W to lunch today.
When I drop her off at work I say "tell me you love me" and she says "I DO love you" so I said,
thanks! I've never told her to tell me that before, out of character for me.
Then after work I get a V card that talks about husband, wife stuff and at the end says I love you.
W write, " I do" after that.
Maybe she needs to be told what to say and think about for a while. VERY strange, but a nice end
to the day.
Still, I'm home and she's not so.......
You folks on here are in my prayers, no one deserves to be left behind like this. Every one of you are somebody's
heroes. I've been thinking lately, I am my children s earthly father and I try to do my best just as God is our heavenly
Father. I need to be as Christ-like as possible for my kids. (well it made sense until I tried to put it into words)
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Hey Blue, sounds like you were one of the lucky ones.
Ready, maybe by Easter you'll get Starbucks and a donut to go with-LOL!
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My H Called me 15 minutes before he got off work,
H " Just wanted to call and say Happy Valentines" I said "Thanks, Happy Valentines to you too"
He then told me about his day at work briefly...Then spoke of him forgeting to call his F and wish him Happy Bday. ( which is on the same day as our D) He then said..." If I dont talk to you later, have a wonderful night" I said "Thank you, you too"
H " I love you" Me " I love you too" bye
It was nice...he hadn't called me to just chat in a couple weeks. and hadn't said " I love you" in that time as well.
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Hey it's worth a shot...sounds like something I might try in the future... only I'll tell him it's OK if he lies.
Tell me you love me..I like that!
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I just got the BEST valentines day gift EVER! ;D ;D
My D13 went shopping with her cousins and came back with a bouquet of flowers and a necklace with a pendant
the says... #1 Mom.
Awwww...I just Love her! My heart saviour!
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It continues. My w called from her work where she does taxes and wanted to know if I would stop by. I said, "Sure". I had a thank you card for her. I took it in and she had a big Valentine's Day cookie for the girls and I.
I took it with a smile and she seemed so happy about it.
No "I love you", but the thoughts for the day are really good. (((Hugs)))
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Sounds good, Ready!! :)
I got a gift, too. I was shocked.
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Yay! Trusting, what did you get?
Butterfly
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A rose in a gorgeous vase. :)
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Fabulous!
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It was beautiful. It was one rose more than I thought I would get. ;D He also brought the kids some gifts.
Actually, one of the best things was that he was home in time for dinner and helped S with his homework.
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Thanks for the laughs tonight! The creepy smiling dog card and the H.Bday text - haha!!!
My H ended up bringing home a rose and box of candy for me and both of our daughters. Identical gifts for all of us. He did this last year too. He obviously doesn't love or want me, but wanted to give the girls a gift and knew it would be awkward if he didn't give me one too. I said thank you, but just couldn't muster up any excitement. It means nothing and I know it. I didn't give him anything so that will feed his "victimness"...which I'm sure isn't a word. :)
Lately I'm so aware of how different I'm feeling. Nothing he does gives me hope like it used to. It's like I turned some kind of corner, have accepted the truth and my feelings are as dead now as his. Oh well...better than bawling my eyes out every day! I'll eat the chocolate and keep gaining back the LBS weight I had lost. :P
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There is no worries on our forum. As a practice, I routinely butcher the English language. However, if there is no such word, then why can I read victimness and define it as:
Victimness: An MCL condition when they take any action from rain falling to the LBSer sneezing to hard as a sign that the whole world, but especially is out to get them and make their world miserable thus denying then ultimate happiness.
Am I close?, did I "get" you? In these situations, LBSers share a common language and understanding. ((((Hugs))) and have a wonderful evening.
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LOL Ready
My version is the LBS breathes and the MLCer believes it to be the reason their whole life is in ruins.
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Ready and Shantilly ~ how happy I am to meet people who not only "get" where I'm coming from, but graciously embrace my made up MLC vocabulary!!! ;D
Hasta La Vista Valentines Day! Don't let the door hit ya! Happy Tuesday everyone!
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Faith, I am in the same boat as you, except H sent the kids home to me after their weekend with him and OW with roses for me. But they were not from him they were from the kids, in fact I think it was OW's idea to show H what a big person she is - she came with H to drop the kids and the roses to me. I accepted them warmly and graciously from the children and OW ran back into the car without saying anything, looking a little more cowardly and a little less "big". I sent H nothing, of course. H doesn't give me hope either - the only time he has stated he loves me, is when I told him that I loved him. He is engrossed (gross being the operative word ;D) with OW. Still sends emails about something to do with kids or finances everyday.
Still, I baked a cake and had a glass of wine and a big bubble bath with candles and read some Pema Chodron. Some self love in the form of indulgence and self-reflection for V day here!
NOTE: You should be able to edit or modify your post after it is made for I believe 90 mins.
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Glad that day is over. Nada from W.
I resisted texting her (about 10 times).
Bought some chocolates for the kids.
Took D11 out so she could buy some V-stuff for her friends.
D11 this morning asked me if W was trying to win her affection b/c W was upset that I got them choc's, and she didn't.
Lots of Q's about divorce and custody this morning.
W actually forgot she had planned to take D11 out yesterday, but then didn't have $$ to take her out, since W spent $200 on video games recently. Really?!?!
Speaking of MLC blaming LBS for everything, I recently said to kids that "W feels like she can't be home anymore", and I caught major spew, and in fact now it's "really over" between us. All on the basis of using the work "feel".. b/c it wasn't supportive enough. Whatever.
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I did really great on Val Day. I had decided that I would not do anything for H, since he has OW. He didn't call on Anniversary in Dec. And though he called on my Birthday, two weeks ago, I knew nothing would happen on Val Day. And I didn't think he deserved anything from me. I only thought about texting him once, then it left my mind. I had dinner with my sister (Her H recently passed away) and her adult son (His GF was out of town) And we had a lot of fun. We exchanged cards. And my sister gave me a pretty bracelet with
a charm that says "Believe". She is wonderful. She has her sadness, yet she is still thinking of me. She is really upset with my H, but knows I am hurting and that I want to Stand.
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That is lovely Ibelieve... good for you honey. You are doing the best thing you can do, get strong and healthy so you will be able to understand this better. Happy and content within yourself, so that you can make wise choices and decisions.
Well done sweetie.
hugs Stayed...
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Hi Stayed,
Thanks so much, that makes me feel so good. I was even smiling most of today thinking about how I did. It was kind of like
a "neeener" thing. Because I know he was probably wondering why he didn't hear from me. Since he has been hearing from me
so often.. OR maybe not! But it's ok. I am happy that my sister and I were each others Valentines this year considering what we
are both going through.
(((Hugs)))
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^
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Thanks for bumping this up, OP. I was just thinking about this "topic" yesterday.
This will be my 2nd Valentine's Day since BD. The first was just 5 weeks post BD. Nothing happened last year (H didn't contact me, I didn't contact him) and I'm confident that's the drill this year. Heck, H didn't acknowledge my B-day three weeks ago so I don't expect he'll have had a change of heart in that short of time!
One diff, though, for me this year is the pain has subsided to a slow boil, not the water bubbling uncontrollably over the rim of the pot like last year. That's a blessing.
I will certainly be journaling about it and saying a prayer for my H on Valentine's all the same.
He needs it.
TMHP
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That's my 1 year Anniversary of BD!!! Yipee! Come so far! ::) Still going! :P Keep the Faith! ;D
I thought I would puke every Valentines Day for the rest of my life! NOT!!! My Ds and I have now grabbed it as a FUN Holiday!! When we walk into a pharmacy or dept store and we are swallowed up by giant hearts and cupids we start laughing! Now Valentine's Day serves as Day 1 of "Things starting to get better!" Because God knows we couldn't have kept up the way we were! ??? :P :D
Too bad H has such an unorthodox manner of 'shakin' things up a bit' :o :o :o :o :o
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Yeah MB don't you think they could have at least said - "Look honey I'm feeling a little disconnected..maybe we could talk??"
No NO that would have been too hard..
Then they say to themselves...
"Let's just leave and not come home and then not tell her whats going on..that will be SO much easier for me.." >:( :o
Friggin idiots!!! >:( >:(
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IN Thisfor the long haul,,, Let's just leave and never come home and not tell them we left. Let the 9 year old tell us.. ??? It must be eating him up. He really is nothing like this. From NOW til FOREVER when he goes into any store this time of year :o :o HaHaHa A constant reminder of his WORST MOMENT EVER!!! He didn't know it was Valentine's Day! I know it was the 1st time they slept together..I'm sure Bowser knew it was freakin' Valentines Day! DISGUSTING! MEAN! LOW! Despicable! Trash! Where the freak is that Karma Bus? That's her true colors! >:(
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Thanks OP. Dude, you're worse than Wal-mart by bringing this up a month in advance. I just survived the big holidays and now you dump this on me. What are ya gonna do after Valentine's Day? Start reminding me of my upcoming wedding anniversary? Geez!! Lol!!
I plan on buying candy for the kids and my mom. I'll have four Valentines this year so that'll have to be enough. I may get myself something as well. Hmmmm....
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Last Valentines Day, my h sent me the most beautiful orchids and roses at work, with the sweetest card. Then less than a month later he says ILYBINILWY, that was reeeeeeeeeeally special. Can't wait to see what happens this year.
C
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Have you given Valentine's Day cards while standing? If so, what did you say in it? And how was it received by your MLCer? And did they give you one? Will be my first Valentine's Day "alone" in 13 years. Thinking the proper language for a card, if you wanted to give one, is tricky, can't be pursuing but paving. Thinking RCR would have the perfect language, she always knows just what to say, in perfect balance. Any experiences or thoughts?
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Hi Will It.
I would not advise giving a Valentine's Day card at all. No matter what the card says, it would more than likely be pursuing - not paving the way. Our MLCers know we love them and do not need a VD card to be reminded of that fact. In some cases, giving a VD card may even bring out Monster.
Merged with thread on this subject. read previous discussion
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oh last year was horrific and painful. bd was on the 9th and I was still in shock. I did get him a card and in it wrote it was this "“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.” -Simone Signoret"
and I bought a book of poetry. So I was without the wisdom of this forum.
He got me nothing.
every year my h and I always paid attention to v-day. (and I did think of sending a card for a fleeting moment but NO!!!!) and the whole idea makes me feel sick, but i'm struggling today. I shall go out with my daughters and WILL not be in MOping.
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Well ExH and his exskank's relationship didn't even make it to Valentines Day last year. ( Boo Hoo)
But he got me nothing anyway.
I always tried to put that holiday into our relationship. This year should be interesting.
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Last year my H gave me a dozen roses. I didn't get a special Valentines Day card. I did get 2 of those small cards that you get at the florist. One said, Happy Valentines Day, Love H. No, I love you. :'( The other card said "I'm sorry." The weekend before he left a day early. He said he was having an anxiety attack, he needed to leave. I assumed thats what the I'm sorry card was for. Now I wonder if it was for the upcoming BD! When I read the I'm sorry card, I hugged my H and told him it was ok but to please never leave early again like that. He said ok, he wouldn't. 11 days later he was gone! :'( :'( It was weird. He had been acting weird, nervous the entire month of Feb.. 11 days after Valentines I got the BD phone call saying he wasn't coming home, ILYBINILWY! :'( There's no one else, bla bla bla. Lies, all lies.
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Yeah mine took up track and field last VD and ran away!!!! He didn't know it was Valentines Day. I'm sure ow did. Today as we approach 1 year he was telling me about some good chocolate for cheap prices he said "Oh let's not mention Valentine's Day." Then he made an ashamed face ::) :-[ I think it is definietly sinking in. What happened. When it happened and Why! ??? ??? I think it'll be a new favorite holiday of mine someday ;D Wake up call!
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you do not want cheap chocolate.
much rather have one piece of really good chocolate!
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I remember struggling last year.
This year, roses and a real card.
Maybe even a weekend getaway?
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LIW, I meant good chocolate for inexpensive price. ??? Not "cheap" like as in "Cheap Ho" :o :o :o :o :o ;D
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For the last two Valentines Days, H brought home a little bunch of flowers for me and the girls. Identical for all 3 of us. Actually last year he gave them to us the day before because he had planned to go snowmobiling with his friends all day on Valentines Day ::). On V Day I took the girls out for supper and to a movie while H snowmobiled. Of course this was when he was living in the basement and had long ago proclaimed himself "single".
Valentines Day has never been a big deal in our marriage because H always said he shouldn't have to feel "forced" to show love on a certain day because Hallmark tells him to, so I don't really have any emotion attached to it. I'll get my girls a little treat or something to try to brighten their day, and if it works that will brighten mine. :)
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Don't gotta get a Valentine gift for a skanky homewrecker ho,
How about you.
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2 years ago I spent my Valentine's Day packing up H's crap into boxes and shoving the boxes into the closet.
I made the house we were renting at the time totally mine. I rearranged stuff the way I wanted it and that was that.
He came over to drop the boys off and gave me a huge heart shape box of Dove chocolates (one of my favorites) from "the boys" as he put it. Later he told his best friend (whom he was living with at the time) that I hadn't gotten him anything except a little cheap box of chocolates with a kid's cartoon character on it plus I'd packed up all his stuff. ;D ;D ;D ;D
He was confused and actually a little hurt by this :o
His best friend (who is also one of my best friends and has done extremely well with remaining neutral as much as possible) asked him "what did you expect? for her to hold on forever? you admitted 3 days ago to having a girlfriend which she has known about since you left." I'm pretty sure these are direct quotes but pretty close. So 2 years ago I showed my H that I am my own person and that he is a kid in a lot of ways. I'm sure he won't admit that right now but all that matters is that I know this. Last year, V-Day past without regard.
I got the boys little boxes of chocolates and that was it.
This year will be a little different. The boys school does candy-grams where they deliver chocolates to the kids from their parents, teachers, friends, etc.
It raises money from the school and makes the kids feel good. I'm sending both my boys candy-grams to be delivered to them in class on V-Day. We can't do anything really costly (money is really tight for me right now) but it will still be a nice V-Day for them and me. Don't care what H does.
Only care about me and the boys.
If he wants to join us that's fine (he does live here) but I have a feeling that he'll be "working late" that day.
His loss.
EDIT - Carriage Returns for readability - OldPilot
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Just read this article: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate
Basically, it says that unless the mate is a drug addict, alcoholic, serial cheater or abusive, there is a way to work it out.
Of course, it explores the need for both parties to be willing to discuss the issues.
Thought it´d be good V-day fare for all of us LBS tired of the BS.
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I havent read the entire thread, but this being my 3rd year of Valentines w/o my spouse, Im not expecting anything...
Depending on the moods tomorrow, I may recognize it, in simple talk, not much else :)
hugs,
L
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(http://media-cdn.pinterest.com/upload/271341946268959604_SkQedTkA_b.jpg) Just Saying........
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Enjoyed taking my S15 out tonight to help him get gifts together for his adorable girlfriend. Trying to teach him early on how to treat a lady--and she's a lady.
Indulged myself in a tiny sliver of self pity then realized that my lack of a valentine this year says a lot more about my H than it does about me.
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Link to new thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2163.new#new