Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: handpuppets on October 05, 2015, 10:17:07 AM
-
I have some some quick searches but haven't found anything that directly relates so if there are resources, please point me in the right direction.
My question is.. do you tell your MLCer that you are Standing? And if you do, how do you tell them (without freaking them the hell out)?
-
I'm not sure if there's an article but I would say no way. It's about you getting strength not about them. So what would be the reason to tell them?
-
I didn't necessarily say I was standing, but I did tell him that if he wanted a divorce he was going to have to do it on his own, that I didn't want one and he would have to do all of the work.
3 years later, that moment has stuck in his head when nothing much else has.
We are reconnecting, moving back in together in April of next year and our 17 year anniversary is this Saturday. Did my saying that influence him? I really have no idea whether ANY of what I said influenced him or not. You really have to go with your gut sometimes.......
-
I was advised that you merely show them, by your actions. If possible, be positive and distantly friendly. They may advise you to move on and date but if pressed you can say that you are still married, you don't need to meet someone new to be happy, you are fine alone, etc. Focus on yourself and become the best version of you.
-
It usually does freak them out in the beginning.
Maybe later on when they've settled down and the time is right.
-
Thanks everyone, for the quick replies.
I think the gist of my question was how do you tell them that you are still open to working on the marriage, even post D. While I think I have been explicit telling xH that I'm open to us restoring our marriage in the future, I'm not sure if it bears repeating.
Need to sit on this a bit more and follow my intuition.
-
I told my W a week after BD that I would be willing to sit down and talk about reconciliation with her. The only problem, looking back on that conversation, was that she wasn't asking. She asked me if I would feel this way in a year. Then she got angry because I began to question the depth of knowledge she had for herself.
The conversation was a bad idea.
-
My gut feeling is that he will see it as you pressuring him and he won't like it.
-
My gut feeling is that he will see it as you pressuring him and he won't like it.
Agree. My first thought was, why do you feel the need to tell him? That not only puts pressure on him but makes you look weak.
We need to live our lives for ourselves as though they aren't coming back.
Take your hope and put it on a shelf. As Stayed says, get out of his way and let him spin.
-
Thanks everyone, for the quick replies.
I think the gist of my question was how do you tell them that you are still open to working on the marriage, even post D. While I think I have been explicit telling xH that I'm open to us restoring our marriage in the future, I'm not sure if it bears repeating.
Need to sit on this a bit more and follow my intuition.
He knows. No need to keep repeating yourself.
-
I would say post D, you can't say you're willing to work on your marriage. There isn't one in the eyes of the law. It's all in their court, though I guess you can make yourself enticing by being a better person you were before they split.
-
I would like to chime in if I may.
I don't think it is a good idea to actually TELL them your are standing. They will get that from your actions. In the beginning they will see it as pressure and anger them.
After wards there isn't much you can say but if you are not dating and your'e still friendly with him and open for conversations with him...he'll get the message.
-
I can't do friendly yet or conversation. Lol
-
I know Sisyphus, It's hard to do when you're hurting. I had to force myself to be friendly and light when I wanted nothing more than to strangle him. lol
You know... fake it til you make it? ::)
-
I agree with all the responses you have been given. I don't think you need to tell him. Actions speak louder than words, and until they are willing or ready to commit to a relationship with us, it tends to push them away.
I have never told my husband I am standing. But I do think he realizes that forgiveness would be there for him. And I was like Slow Fade when my husband would cry "divorce." Told him it was his deal, not mine, and I wouldn't do his dirty work for him.
At this point, maybe just continuing to be friendly but distant and letting him take the lead on any time spent together and communication is probably a good idea. They are like squirrels, and any sudden movements scare them off. ::)
-
My 2 cents ... During the time period right after "bomb drop" , my husband wanted to go to counselling. ( huh???). Yes, he said the marriage has been over a very "long time", but lets go to marriage counselling . During one of theses sessions , the therapist talked about me being the " keeper of the space ". Holding his spot, holding hope ... "standing" in other words. I agreed at the time , that I was the "keeper of the space ". He said he often thought of that conversation in the muck and ruin of his life and was very confused as to why I would be the "keeper of the space" and yet confront him, push him for answers and finally throw him out . In his crazy thinking , he saw me as "untrustworthy " ( almost lost my lunch hearing thiss ). He was confused that I said one thing and did another . It made him very angry ... very. I would not tell him you are standing and if I had it to do again, I wold not agree ( in front of him) to be keeper of the space. It made me feel like "no matter what you do , I will accept you " , it made me feel stupid, without boundaries and easy. No. I would not do that again. Mistake .