“a secretive relationship”, not in MLC. MLCers live with OW/OM and that does not end the no longer secretive relationship.
MLCer live with the lover. For years on end in many cases. They marry the affair partner, they have children with the affair partner.
...when just compartmentalizing the affair portion of the MLC, this really speaks to many aspects of my experience.
...(though having to process it alone makes it far different than if we were a reconciling couple).
"Staying is the new shame." True words.
She talks about how in turning to an affair, we are not as much turning from our partner, but turning away from the person we have become, and that an affair is an antidote to death. I think that is it, in a nutshell.
And the drug/addiction part of it that is fed by secrecy IS part of an MLC affair, it is what propels them to go off and live with the OP. The difference between "just an affair" and an MLC affair, is that some people realize the stupidity of it sooner and face the music. MLCers don't. Or if they do, they keep "drug seeking."
Mine may have gotten over OW addiction, but she still offers him a NEW LIFE, there are things he is doing that he never would have done with me--the new job, new boat, new house... He is still seeking the escape from "deadness" that she talks about.
Mine may have gotten over OW addiction, but she still offers him a NEW LIFE, there are things he is doing that he never would have done with me--the new job, new boat, new house... He is still seeking the escape from "deadness" that she talks about.
Why wouldn't your husband have done the new job, boat and house with you? You disapprove of those things, or were they things you were also interested in, but never happened?
Mine may have gotten over OW addiction, but she still offers him a NEW LIFE, there are things he is doing that he never would have done with me--the new job, new boat, new house... He is still seeking the escape from "deadness" that she talks about.
Mine may have gotten over OW addiction, but she still offers him a NEW LIFE, there are things he is doing that he never would have done with me--the new job, new boat, new house... He is still seeking the escape from "deadness" that she talks about.
This resonates with me so much. And it's not about the job, the house, per se, it's the IDENTITY. Like they're in witness protection (witless protection? ;) ;D). Mine is so much the opposite of who he was before, it's eerie. New example: always wore vintage high end watches (had a knack for finding great deals at antique malls). Mid-century Omega, Elgin, nice things! Now he literally wears a Mickey Mouse watch. Took a photo of it! I had one...when I was seven! But OW is a middle-aged Disney freak, so here we are. THIS is what she offers. Not only a second teenaged experience, but a second childhood. And she's older (crisis of her own, or just cray cray?).
As long as I see my behavior through the distorted lens of my justifications, I’ll continue living in the problem. Once I honestly accept my choices I can begin living in the solution.
According to the researchers, that suggests that it is recurring depression that takes a toll on brain anatomy.
The take-home message: Get depression diagnosed and treated before brain changes can occur, the Australian team said.
"This large study confirms the need to treat first episodes of depression effectively, particularly in teenagers and young adults, to prevent the brain changes that accompany recurrent depression," Hickie said in a university news release.
Interesting articles. The other sad fact to consider is that the longer the brain remains out of chemical balance as it is in MLC, the more likely the person is to develop dementia later in life. A sobering fact indeed.SF,
The other sad fact to consider is that the longer the brain remains out of chemical balance as it is in MLC, the more likely the person is to develop dementia later in life. A sobering fact indeed.
Are you not just sick and tired of focusing on the MLCer? Don't we just want to put this behind us and move forward with joy in our hearts?
"there is no good or bad in this world, no right or wrong only judging makes it so"
In other words, societal understandings of infidelity are to interpret the betrayed as deserving of betrayal because of some act, character flaw, behavior (or lack there of), that made the wayward spouses actions understandable in committing adultery. This 'Just World' view also allows a betrayed spouse to begin blaming themselves for the infidelity. The self-blame calms their anxiety over their own vulnerability to victimization. The fact that our culture has turned "victim" into a dirty word, only compounds the unfairness and trauma of infidelity. The "don't be a victim" movement that has swept through our nation has turned being a "victim" into something shameful. Not having control over what happens to you, has been summarized by society as willfully allowing it to happen, because you did nothing to prevent it.
Read more at: http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html (http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html)
Copyright © www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info (http://www.healingafteraffiars-bloomington.info)
Denying your situation is living a lie that furthers your depression. If you cannot gain acceptance, your life will worsen with your symptoms.
QuoteDenying your situation is living a lie that furthers your depression. If you cannot gain acceptance, your life will worsen with your symptoms.
I think that sums it up in a nutshell.
Denying your situation is living a lie that furthers your depression. If you cannot gain acceptance, your life will worsen with your symptoms.
I think that sums it up in a nutshell.
Read an article today in medicalnewstoday.com about a woman whose h had parkinson´s disease. She could SMELL parkinsons on him and 11 others, one of whom was not yet officially diagnosed, but 8 months later was dx´d. I know we´ve mentioned the MLCers having an odd smell- who knows, maybe we were onto something. The smell of parkinson´s was musky. They gave her tshirts that had been worn for one day and she could sort the sick from the ill by smell alone. There´s the proof that a brain disorder can change one´s odor.
I get that some LBS's say they are better people now than they were before BD. You can believe that for yourself if you wish. But don't presume that is true, or should be true, of every LBS.
I have grieved the loss of my H & my M every single moment since BD & maybe I always will. That experience of loss does not "make me a better person" & as the author mentions about himself, in some ways it has diminished who I am as a person.
Interesting article but the author strikes me as bitter and contemptuous of others who initially try to help those who are grieving.He does go on a bit too long, but "trying to help" is often "not helping" & sometimes that is due to lazy thinking or avoidance of others' pain or lack of empathy. I like this article because it reaffirms my own bias against this sentiment ::) , but its target should be those who use this phrase & should maybe think how this sounds to those who are grieving a loss.
I agree - the platitude "everything happens for a reason" is almost offensive when it relates to death, loss of relationship etc or extreme pain/anguish but it can apply to somebody not getting the job they went for and ended up getting a better one.In the case of getting a job, finding a better dress than the coveted one not in your size, having a great experience at your 2nd choice university, the phrase can be heard as "Happy coincidences happen". But when it involves serious life altering loss & tragedy, the phrase can be heard as "My god is in control & knows better what is good for you" or "Your current traumatized feelings are unnecessary because better things are going to happen someday".
I have never encountered this platitude from any of my friends for my situation - never.I have, several times. I guess that is why it has become such a pet peeve. Maybe it's the strain of fatalistic, fundamentalist religion that runs through this part of the US known as the Bible Belt. A somewhat daffy cousin (neither fundamentalist nor fatalistic) said "God must have wonderful things planned for you". WTF?? God arranged for my H to betray & abandon me, so something wonderful could happen??
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you
http://tinyurl.com/kmvq67x
The first article was excellent. Well written, lots of detail. Explains every possible scenario.. really helpful. The second one, said it was not available... not sure why... would have liked to have read that one...
Thanks Lisa... hugs Stayed
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you
http://markmanson.net/firetruck-yes
The first article was excellent. Well written, lots of detail. Explains every possible scenario.. really helpful. The second one, said it was not available... not sure why... would have liked to have read that one...
Thanks Lisa... hugs Stayed
Oh, now i see, did not know the forum automatically filtered the title! Thanks R2T!Yes an unintended consequence - Thanks R2T!
Even as a stander, I think everyone needs to read and live this...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you
The person who is right for you is NOT your MLCer. That MLCer may become the right person, but until they do, this article is spot on... Love and light, ll
If you were already almost at that destination and you need further assurance, try this one!
http://tinyurl.com/kmvq67x
Thank you very much for posting these links. I needed them. Not because of my MLCer, but because of all the women that have been leading me on lately and then leaving me hanging (most seem to have "sort of" boyfriends they just can't seem to leave - that I didn't know about until weeks later). It is mainly just one though. I don't think I've ever been lead on so badly in my life. lol. But she pulled on all the right heart strings I guess. Time to reject her. She doesn't realize what she's missing out on. :)
Thank you very much for posting these links. I needed them. Not because of my MLCer, but because of all the women that have been leading me on lately and then leaving me hanging (most seem to have "sort of" boyfriends they just can't seem to leave - that I didn't know about until weeks later). It is mainly just one though. I don't think I've ever been lead on so badly in my life. lol. But she pulled on all the right heart strings I guess. Time to reject her. She doesn't realize what she's missing out on. :)
Are you SURE you're ready to move on? We tend to attract the people we ARE. It could be you feel somewhat safer with women who are not emotionally available because you are also not totally there yet... Realize this journey will be full of potholes and bad turns. Be careful with your heart and their's and take your time. Love will find you when you are healthy and ready, not a minute before. Try not to end up like our MLC'ers ;-)! Love and light, ll
I know being alone sucks at times but you have your friends and your son so maybe slow down on the dating?!?
Yeah, I know (and no, I didn't take offense). To be clear, I haven't actually dated any of these recent women. They came after me also - I was just minding my own business when they started flirting with me. They just flirt and text the crap out of me calling me "handsome, sweetie, etc." and promise they will spend time with me or go on a date "next week". The main one had a lot of seemingly legitimate excuses for blowing me off for weeks, but I think they were all just lies. It's the leading me on crap that is hurtful - they build me up, then let me down. It's almost like the evil of MLC is still trying to hurt me even though I've let go of my MLC W.
Oh well, I'll be fine. I'm used to much worse. lol. It is just very frustrating that there are this many people in the world that are so selfish. I must be a magnet for potential MLCers down the road.
If you let a narcissist get to you - you will always be controlled by them. Detachment is very important in all walks of life not just MLC crisis.
SUCH a good piece. Thank you for sharing. It helps!
Good resource! Thanks for this, Searching 4.
Kelly and Laura discuss the four different kinds of reaction to crisis: rage, denial, depression, and anxiety, and what to do about these reactions.
In the Podcast it is said a person only has one crisis type. But I think at BD a LBS has all types. Also, I think I have had different types depending of the typed of crisis and of how old I was. But, mostly, by default, I react with calm to a crisis.
It is funny, but at BD, despite it all, I was far better off than now. Of course, by then, BD was the end of the world, everything was turned into a mess and so on. There was, however, something not present at BD, peace. Now there is peace.
But really, in hidsight, BD is just our spouse who got involved with someone else, and our marriage is over. Seeing it from here and now, it does not seem such a big deal. Strange how we, and the way we see things change, isn't it?
Could those who have MLC be more vulnerable to, later, have dementia? I really do not know.
People who use drugs in their teen years, after the high wears off, they will not be able to feel happy ever again due to the decreased number of dopamine transporters...they basically will be depressed for the rest of their lives...existing in a state of anehedia- they feel nothing.
. It was especially interesting as she discussed the impact of legalization of marijuana in Colorado. Not a pretty picture unfortunately.So are a lot of young people in COLO addicted to pot?
People who use drugs in their teen years, after the high wears off, they will not be able to feel happy ever again due to the decreased number of dopamine transporters...they basically will be depressed for the rest of their lives...existing in a state of anehedia- they feel nothing. They learn how to cope without "feelings" and manage to get through life. They will never get these transporters back.