Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Onward on December 01, 2015, 10:29:35 PM
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One of the intriguing patterns I've noticed is a lot of HS members seem to be involved in teaching. Coincidence?
Any of you care to put your hand up if you teach?
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Yep. I think it's because we are natural fixers/caring people
Xx
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Yep I'm in education however so is my Mlc ex H.
X
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Yep I'm in education however so is my Mlc ex H.
X
I am not however my MLC ex-W is a pre-school teacher for autistic kids.
The job fits her current age of about 5 years old.
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My hand is up.
I am a professor of law and political science as well as a practicing attorney.
My ex is a professor as well. That is how he met the little girl. She was one of his students.
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Natural fixers yes.
But I tend to think there are so many of us here because those in education have a natural tendency to search the written word for answers. We are well trained and educated in doing research in other words.
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Professor of Information Technology teaching courses in Computer Hardware, Operating Systems, Network Design, Network Infrastructure, and now moving more into CyberSecurity with courses in Computer Forensics, Security Policies, Risk Management, and Server and Network Hardening.
My wife works in the high school cafeteria as head cook supervisor (or at least she did until she was demoted a couple of months ago. D32 works with Head Start kids, and D35 is an aid working with a special education child.
It's really not surprising, though, for my family. D35 is the only one who lives where there is an economic opportunity. Where D32 and I live the only decent jobs are in healthcare and education and you don't make any money in healthcare around here unless you're a doctor.
I agree with LP about doing research. I have a graduate degree in Library and Information Sciences and I've taught courses about doing research.
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Professor of Humanities and instructional designer, here.
STBX is not in education--retired Marine and now he is an analyst for the largest airplane periodical in the world (shocking that his job involves airplanes, I know!).
I think there are a lot of us in education here because we have a natural tendency to be nurturers/caretakers (rather than fixers).
Regarding research, I believe that probably plays a role, but the emphasis on research in higher education doesn't seem to be the same as is it is in K-12. I would also argue that people now do a bit more research because of the Internet--we have accessibility to information in ways no culture has had before. I was talking to one of my students last night and had to remind him to use his text rather than go straight to the Internet. ::)
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Instructor of Botany for adult education.
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*Puts up hand*
I am a teacher by profession and have a PhD.
I tend to think there are so many of us here because those in education have a natural tendency to search the written word for answers. We are well trained and educated in doing research in other words.
LP, this is exactly right. My instinct at BD was to start trailing the internet for answers, which is how I realised so quickly what was happening, and how I found this site so quickly.
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Secondary social studies composite high school...
Teetering on masters in history, completing my M.Ed, or law school...
Alien is FD, pd, and has currently been in admin in ems for more than a decade..
Both public servants... I have a degree, he doesn't, he resents me for it.. Law school would just piss him off, he wants to so badly but his script was he's too old to start over, he has no education, worthless
, slave to where he is because he wasn't given the opportunity.. But yet, hates school, dropped out and got his ged... Clawed his way through school, created a great career and life... Has a deep hatred of teachers... Even though his ring tone for me was hot for teacher...
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Sometimes I'll get into the groove where I'm lecturing or working with students and everything seems normal and sane and then all of a sudden it hits me like a punch to the stomach that things aren't normal or sane and probably won't ever be again. Anyone else ever experience this?
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Yep, I knew there 'must' be an answer! I've turned away from teaching briefly to do research for a PhD as I just love delving deeper into issues!
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MBIB, yes. Regularly. After 4.5 years! How long does this residual shock last, I wonder? Sometimes I feel I've actually slipped into someone else's life by mistake.
A good subject for a separate thread, actually!
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I don't teach - apart from a year spent teaching in English in France - but I'd love to do a second degree in something completely different to French.
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I put my hand up also!
University degree of Masters of Science in Business and economics but working as a high school teacher for the last 5 years.
XH high school degree
Now thinking about changing career into car-park attendant and some how undo my university degree! OMG I'm a MLC-magnet! ;D
I can also confirm that both Gimlan and SadSwede is also teaching. Sounds like we're on to something, I'll contact the Nobel committee! ;)
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Ah, a hypothesis on the way to being confirmed.
I'm faculty, too, teaching marketing in a 4-year college. Have an EdD on hold while I sort my head and my life out. Think I'll be ready to get back to the darned thesis in the new year.
And yes, I also experience that 'in a groove with students, leave my class - and am hit with what, how can this be my life" dichotomy. Hopefully, in time, it will pass.
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Sometimes I'll get into the groove where I'm lecturing or working with students and everything seems normal and sane and then all of a sudden it hits me like a punch to the stomach that things aren't normal or sane and probably won't ever be again. Anyone else ever experience this?
I don't get punched, anymore, but it's weird that when I finish teaching or grading, I sometimes think about STBX. I moved my office into a different room after he moved out, and that has made a difference, but it still happens. Less frequently than it used to, though.
Also MBIB, thinking the things aren't "normal or sane" sounds like your depression talking. We have a different normal, now, and we can choose sanity.
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I get hit with the pain... And it almost knocks me over.... No one at school knows so hiding the falling apart is hard but it's better than being the target of the gossip and potential losing my job be issue of his choices.... I work in a very conservative district... It may not be legal to get rid of a teacher having "personal" issues but I've seen it happen, I just don't want to be next...
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Yep, teacher. I started out as Sunday School teacher ;D. Then English as a Second Language teacher. Got a BA in Business. Still teaching ESL and translating in my free time.
Tutored American homeschooled kids, I willingly teach in any circumstance. I even teach ESL to my boss :o - he loves it!
I LOVE languages - I am registered as a tri-lingual (English-Spanish-Portuguese) executive secretary, although I prefer to be called an Executive Assistant.
I am a fixer ;D :P
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Add me to the list. PhD and two Masters, taught for nine years. I'm another who turned to my research skills immediately after BD to find answers.
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Putting my hand up too - I am a professor of psychology.
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Wow, psychology, law, economics, history, humanities, we could easily start an MLC University.
My EMT instructor seems to like me and has mentioned to me a couple of times now that after he sees the students exam grades he usually asks one or two if they'd like to train with him to become an instructor so I think there's a possibility I could also one day be an EMS instructor.
I'm not sure how IT would fit into an MLC University but I could see a place for Emergency Medicine. :D
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Not currently teaching (but have two education degrees, BS/MA). Am involved in education policy at the state and national level. Background in academic computing and educational technology.
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One more here. Tenured engineering research faculty member. Just joined this forum.
Maybe there are a lot of us here because we work in a profession that has its own codes of conduct. We have the time flexibility to support our spouses, give of ourselves endlessly, and going by the usual bromides on the ingredients of successful relationships, we just do not see anything like this happening to us.
We aren't immune. Just more easily exploitable.
This does not mean our profession does not have its blackguards, but those are so notorious locally that they stick out.
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I wonder if there really are a lot of teachers here or if it just seems like it. We've had 24 posts so far, which seems like a lot, but how many forum members are there? How many actively post? I'd bet there are a lot more than 24.
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Yes, faculty and administration.
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Wow, psychology, law, economics, history, humanities, we could easily start an MLC University.
I'm not sure how IT would fit into an MLC University but I could see a place for Emergency Medicine. :D
Brain, you could teach the course about hacking into accounts to catch them at what they're doing! :P
I'm amazed at how many of us are in higher Ed!
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I do teach cyber-security and the course that I'm going to be teaching next semester is designed to teach students how to break into computers and computer networks so they'll know how to protect their computers and networks from hackers. I also teach computer forensics so I could teach LBSes how to do deep data searches on computers, networks, and social media sites. But my advice to the LBS would generally be that you're better off not knowing.
On the other hand, maybe we could concentrate on launching attacks against OPs. Maybe start by erasing their identities. ;D ;D ;D
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wow again (after reading about Medusa's NEW JOB, which was the first wow!) educational administration--high school director
Brain--fellow librarian here, MLIS with more focus on the "L" than the "S" but am kicking myself now for not taking systems admin when i was in grad school. taught first as school librarian before moving into admin and have the opportunity to "teach" every day because i work in a small school and really get to know my students . have several certificates under my belt and toying with the idea of getting either MBA or M.Ed but the programs here aren't great so would have to be online.
we're thinkers, maybe. same as many who have posted on this thread, i was certain there was a "why" when all the $h!te with down with the MLCer...and there is or was--but it's a "why" that is way too variable and varied for me to do anything about. i choose to think: gee--that MLCer is one firetrucked up dude! and really, distilled, that's the case.
it's human nature, though, to try to sort things out, all in the effort I suppose, to figure out where we fit into our world. I think my brain works like a librarian's brain, though, and I have MUCH more of a tendency to classify and sort things--events, people, ideas--not stuff, though. my desk is a mess. i'm terrible at the actual physical act of filing papers away. :) when MLC hits our families and loved ones, we work so hard to try to "sort it out", and I think especially those of us who are teachers because really, at the end of the day, we are accustomed and comfortable with asking our students to THINK--think about what they're doing, think about what they're learning, think about how they're going to apply what they have learned...MLC is anathema to this. which is why, maybe, we teachers are totally derailed...
just some ramblings for today.
and just keepin' on keepin' on--like the rest of you.
onlyjo
p.s. Brain--agree with Medusa. I CHOSE sane. actively. I had to in order to save myself. (thought about your Emergency Med idea and my first thought was "put the oxygen mask on yourself first"--ha1) i no longer get the punch in the gut, because i ACTIVELY CHOSE to remove myself from the MLCer's crazy. He currently resides way the hell out on low rent lane in crazytown. i live on serenity street in saneland. yes i love the man, broken as he is. no i don't want to have anything to do with him because he's one angry son-of-a b*tc#, and has been for years.
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Actually, several of you posted several times... we have 3,331 members! I think 20 are not that many. I think most people go to the internet now to investigate MOST everything... I know I do. I also go to the internet to check my facts... to prove my points. Heck, I was brought up to believe that Winnie the Poo was written by a Canadian. NOT SO! As I had been told this many years before I ever had a computer, it never occurred to me to double check that premise. As far as I can tell Winnie was named after a Winnipeg Regiment stationed in Britain... if I recall correctly, damn, need to check it out again... lol!
Definitely not a teacher here!
hugs Stayed
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Definitely not a teacher here!
I beg to differ.
At some point, we hang around here long enough and all of us become teachers in some fashion.
Oh yeah, and while parents may not be certified or have a bunch of letters after their name, they are all teachers, too.
Of course, some of them could have used some help...
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we have 3,331 members! I think 20 are not that many.
We have just over 1400 members who have posted and about the same amount of people that have been active in the last year, all though that is not the same group of people since many of those active in the last year have never posted.
Yes agreed this is a very small sampling.
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My math is not that great but I think 20 out of 1400 is something like 1,4 % of the board.
There are probably more stay at home mums/wives than teachers in the board.
In the sense Medusa gave to being a teacher, yes, everyone in the board is a teacher. Same for parents.
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Yes, MLC doesn't seem to be confined to MLCer or LBS professions, personalities, and other categories. We see a lot of variety on this board, and I'm sure with all the lurkers it is an even wider swath of variety.
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Absolutely true. Though the original question was only posed because just now, among members actively posting on active threads, it seemed like there was a pattern of a number of people involved in teaching, particularly in higher ed.
It wasn't intended to be a scan of all members over time, or any kind of valuation, or a survey or an hypothesis on the likelihood of having or dealing with MLC or anything scientific. Just having a little fun observing something that a number of folks appeared to have in common at this particular snapshot in time. :)
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Early on, I saw a list of contributing factors that can trigger MLC and the one that stood out for me was military retirement.
Occasionally I'm surprised they there aren't more of us whose spouse is returned military posting. I can think of 5 off the top of my head.
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Three of them are in my H's family!
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25 years as a Military Wife. Retired as a full colonel on the brink of becoming a General, a huge dream. In fact, had completed a couple of masters degree's simultaneously... life seemed to be going in the direction he had always dreamed of.
Go figure?
Hugs Stayed
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25 years as a Military Wife. Retired as a full colonel on the brink of becoming a General, a huge dream. In fact, had completed a couple of masters degree's simultaneously... life seemed to be going in the direction he had always dreamed of.
This is interesting because RCR writes about the MLCer having been an accomodator who never knew who they were or what they wanted from life. This doesn't sound like the description of an accomodator.
In Accommodation a person places their center outside of themselves, living life through others. Midlife is a tug-of-war as their true center pulls for inner balance. For MLCers there is a backswing after years of Accommodating and the process of self-centering involves first becoming selfish. In crisis, they are like a top spinning off balance in a clumsy wobble; the midlife journey brings a persons Self and inner balance into alignment.
I've definitely seen this with my wife. Before BD she told one daughter that she felt like she hadn't ever accomplished anything with her life and told the other that she didn't know who she was. After BD she told me that she didn't want to be a wife, mother, grandmother, she wanted to be herself, but she didn't know who she was. Since then I've seen her trying things she would never try before like going on ferris wheels, cutting her hair shorter, and eating lobster.
Stayed, did you see any of this type of identity confusion with your husband? Anyone else see it?
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Definitely heard "don't know who I am" and "never had the chance to live alone" and "am a pleaser so always did what other people wanted". So there were definitely expressions of identity turmoil.
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Me too Onward, I saw lot's of that, incredible confusion. He would be begging me to give him more time, and 5 minutes later, mocking me and telling me, "he was going to marry her"! He would tell me how unhappy he was, how unhappy he had been. At first it was the last couple of years and then it was the last 4 or 5 years and eventually, HE HAD NEVER been happy with me. From the day he married me, he knew he had made a big mistake. Then he would be crying, begging me to give him time to sort this out.
It's all so crazy. This was a man who always seemed to know what he was doing. Why he was doing it. Where he wanted to be. He just seemed to have all the answers. He became a terrible mess.
I wish every marriage could be saved. I don't know why so few are. I wish I did. There is only one thing I know for certain, UNLESS we protect ourselves in every possible way, physically, mentally and emotionally, WE can't or won't be of much use to anybody. Law Professor said something really important on Thundarr's thread today...
What the 3 all recommend is that these people need to learn the lessons they were intended to learn during this crisis for themselves. That we cannot help them nor cushion the fall. In attempting to do so, we can even damage their chances of fully learning and healing is the take away then.
I believe this statement 100%. Of the few marriages that I have seen attempt to reconcile, it was not done with unconditional FORGETFULNESS, it was done with clear firm boundaries. That was the mistake I made. I had not set firm boundaries. Mainly because my h returned quite suddenly, and besides that, the other 3 or 4 times that he attempted a reconnection, he ran back to OW within days... or a couple of weeks. Quite frankly, I WAS NOT EXPECTING to be with him very long. I ended up making up my boundaries as I went. Basically week by week. Month to month... until 3 years later, I realized, HE'S GOING TO STAY! At least for now.
It will be 10 years this July 5th. There is a part of me, that would not be surprised if he left again, I sort of wait for it. I'm not sure it would be any different with a completely different partner or not. That absolute trust is gone now. I don't think it ever returns for anybody. It's not a bad thing.
Hugs Stayed
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Stayed does your h have absolute trust in you?
XxxX
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Or himself, for that matter?
Good questions! :)
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Stayed does your h have absolute trust in you?
Yes Musica, he does! I don't think it is healthy to trust anybody like that, but my past experiences have taught me that. He has been fortunate and never experienced it, hence the reason for his absolute trust in me. I have an outstanding track record. I do not encourage this ABSOLUTE TRUST of his, as I told him, NOT FAIR, too burdensome. His response was, "until I have experienced otherwise, I have no reason not to trust you completely"! I can understand that, I felt the same way, once upon a long, long time ago.
As for himself UKStander, I believe he does trust himself. My h is funny, he has always been a half empty type of guy, which at one time he would have adamantly proclaimed that he didn't trust anybody but himself. This experience changed his attitude about trusting himself, which is really saying he had great faith in his intelligence, his opinion, himself. Discovering that he was not as "brilliant" as he always believe himself to be was so DEVASTING, so painful for him, that his fear of going through it again, terrifies him. I don't think it's the actual Crisis that terrifies him, I think it was what he ALMOST LOST that makes the hair on the back of his neck and the person with whom he almost threw it all away, for. He is very aware that if he had not snapped out of it, he most likely would have MARRIED his OW, and she really is a piece of work, extraordinaire!
I am a partner. 100% committed to myself, him and our children. In that order too. OW, is no "team player", she looks out for herself and herself ONLY.
Hugs Stayed
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Stayed, you just described mine exactly. Half-empty with arrogant belief in his intellect, etc.
You also described OW--only out for herself.
Fascinating the personality similarities, isn't it?
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I wish every marriage could be saved. I don't know why so few are. I wish I did. There is only one thing I know for certain, UNLESS we protect ourselves in every possible way, physically, mentally and emotionally, WE can't or won't be of much use to anybody. Law Professor said something really important on Thundarr's thread today...
What the 3 all recommend is that these people need to learn the lessons they were intended to learn during this crisis for themselves. That we cannot help them nor cushion the fall. In attempting to do so, we can even damage their chances of fully learning and healing is the take away then.
I believe this statement 100%.
This jumped out at me because I went to see my trauma therapist today and she told me she thinks my wife will remain in crisis unless she gets help. She doesn't believe my wife will be able to work through this on her own. She said my wife has a dependent personality and she will just transfer her dependence to the alienator.
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Brain, I think j would have remained in crisis if he had not gotten help as well. After all he had been a high energy Replayer for a bit over 9 years. The help came in the form of a wonderful physician as well as the training I got here and elsewhere. But the key in his case was that he chose for himself to get help. He only choose that when he had no other easy viable options. The world had put the screws to him. I put the screws to him hard when I saw he was near the bottom. I took away many of his cushions. When he talked to me about things, I didn't let him re write history or listen to spew from him. I didn't allow him to speak badly of his ex. Serious boundaries were set with serious consequences when violated. But I listened and held him and gave him space.
Yes he spent years transferring his dependent personality on over 50 women. But it was never enough to fill the hole in his soul. The ow got tired of it. He left them when they couldn't meet his needs.
It happens. Have faith. But it is serious he!! when they do begin the process. I was prepared everyday to come home and find j had killed himself. Their depression is contagious. I had to fight that as well so I wasn't sucked down the hole with him. I had to be strong, detached, never react to anything. I was everything and nothing to him each and every day. Every minute I watched what I said and how I said it. I had to be 100% consistent in all things. There was never the option of me being sick, or sad, or have a headache or tired. Once I went to the doctor for my yearly exam. I came home to find j in tears wanting to know how much longer I would live. I had to assess his every mood and adjust on a minute by minute basis. One mistake sent him over the edge. Too motherly and I was being controlling. Too detached and I didn't care. I heard things that made me cringe. I could show not reaction. Etc.
That's why at this point I think the best thing you can do is get yourself healthy and healed. That way you are good and the additional benefit is that you have a shot at being there for her if and when she is ready. Because, my friend, I say this with all respect, admiration, and caring, I just don't think you are mentally strong and healthy enough yet for that. I'm not trying to be disrespectful or insulting in any way, please believe me. I know you would give it a mighty try if she came home this evening. But your wife is a seriously hurt person who will need everything you've got and more if she ends up on the path of healing. You owe yourself the best possible healing, and that is coincidentally what she will need as well if that time comes.
I hope you take this as its intended, and as well that it's just my opinion from my experience.
Best, LP
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Haven't been on this site in a while. I am raising my hand to the question on the thread.
Yes, I am a teacher (31years.) MA in Counseling.
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I am a teacher, as is H.
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I am a teacher, too.
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I am a teacher too.
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Me too. I've been a teacher in higher education for many years, specialise in higher education/ construction of identity. Which gives me many insights into H.