Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: journey to self on February 03, 2011, 09:28:41 AM
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Hello everyone. I don't post that often as my H is a vanisher (BD April 2010) and I am in NC once again after a touch and go in November/December last year so not much happening for me, except that I am now really getting the 'detach and let go' thing and am moving forward with my life. It really does get easier.
I am sorry if this has already been answered in an earlier post or in one of the Articles or Newsletters, but I would like to know why are MLC'rs so secretive?
My H has been gone for over 9 months now and no-one knows where he is staying, who he is staying with (OW) or really anything about his current life. He has no contact with me, our son, his family or my family. It is as if he has just vanished off the face of the planet. He has never introduced the OW to his family or even mentions her.
Is this behaviour typical of a vanisher and what causes them to be this way? Also, does this behaviour reduce the chances of a reconciliation?
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JTS,
This is a very good and interesting question. I'm not sure if my xH is considered a "Vanisher" or not. At first we had a lot of contact even though he left. We are divorced now and the communication is almost none......even though it's somewhat "touch n go" with him. He seems to be very "secretive" also........nobody knows what he's doing but I do know where he lives. Don't think there's an OW right now even though there were two OW's before. I wonder if they feel as if this is their life thus no need for anybody to know anything. I don't really know the answer but I'll be watching for others to voice their thoughts as well. I'm especially interested in the question about chances for reconciliation or not. Very good one indeed.
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It may be because they are acting like a teenager and or they really don't care..they feel they can live their life as they please so they do not need to "answer" to anyone.
Hard isn't it? I know where my H is (or at least his office location and phone numbers) but I don't know if he's actually a vanisher since I am the one who asked for NC and he is respecting that. He was secretive about stuff though and our daughter remarked on that as well.
My H does have contact with our daughter..I am sorry that yours is not having contact with your son. Very worrisome.
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I have no idea the answer to your question but I would think that perhaps they are secretive because they might be embarassed...of course they would never, ever admit that to anyone, including themselves....so they probably take the "It's my life and it's no one else's business" attitude. Or maybe the "No one understands me so why should I put myself out there just to get criticized" attitude.
I'm purely guessing here. But it's based on attitudes I've seen and read about.
I doubt it would affect the reconcilliation chances but again, just guessing. It just seems to me they all have the attitudes I've listed above, just in varying degrees.
Bonnie
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I agree with XYZCF.
I think their behaviour is very much like a teenager's. They see us as a 'parent' who only wants to stop them having fun. I think it is their way of rebelling by seeing how far they can push us and do not feel they should have to answer to anyone. They think the whole world revolves around them.
My H is a clinging boomerang. I have been NC for the last three weeks. Even though I have told him I will have nothing to do with him as long he is involved with OW, he keeps on and on trying to get me to give in and speak to him. If you can imagine a 15year old who has been grounded, trying to get their parents to change their mind. That is the image I have of my H. Sometimes it helps to think of them in that way when talking to them.
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It may be because they are acting like a teenager
I think that this is the right answer.
MLC is when they go back and re-live their teenage years.
So I guess the real question.
If you have a teenager why are they so secretive?
I am sure it has something to do with hormones but that would be my best guess.
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Hi,
We're all speculating a bit, because each case is different.
I don't know if this helps, but at one point my H felt like disappearing of the face of the Earth, and starting again. He didn't, as you know, but he explained how he felt so pressured by his life, that his life was not his own, and that something had gone wrong. As a perfectionist, it was unbearable not to have everything perfct. There were also a lot of things that he wanted for his life, and hadn't achieved (a common theme in ML I think), so this idea of beginning again was to address those dreams.
There are cases of vanishers who don't return ( I know of at least one), and those who do (I know one too). Do you remember the series "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin"? He leaves his life by faking suicide, takes on a new persona, but eventually gets on with his life.
I suppose it depends on what they learn from their disconnection with life, and what they think they want. It's hard to speculate without knowing what's in their head.
I'm glad you're feeling better by getting on with your life!
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The question is... are they secretive or in their prospective they are practicing NC on us? Remember in their state of mind after proclaiming that they want to be free they will GAL, and while GALing we are the last thing in their minds.
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The question is... are they secretive or in their prospective they are practicing NC on us? Remember in their state of mind after proclaiming that they want to be free they will GAL, and while GALing we are the last thing in their minds.
I think it's true; in their perspective we don't exist. Out of site, out of mind... it's necessary for them to feel they can rebuild...
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I am new to the MLC but not the affair part. I find that if they are secertive then they dont have to explain themselves and they know that you would be upset if you knew. My h never tells me where he is going or who he is with (which I have stopped asking). It is like a game to them I think also. They are hiding something of course otherwise why not tell..My h use to tell me all the time where he was or going.. he never had restrictions because I trusted him in that sense.
So I agree...they become teenages, partying, living the high life, and the only people who get to know where they are will be the OW and new friends that you dont know of..
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When you are detached you will be able see things in their prospective without analyzing too much. Whether they are acting like a teen or not should be the last thing you would worry about. How about worrying about what you can do to be whole again. Let the chips fall and trust in God.
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I like that ere...I am learning to detach.. so hard.. but I know I can do it some way some how... I love this site.. I am now reading on cake eating... sorta confusing but trying to understand...
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I agree with the above posters about it being like teenage behavior. I have a live in MLCer who has been very secretive and I also equate it with the need he has to be in control (ironic, since he was out of control). I have gotten that he feels like telling me things might give me some "control" over his life. I can remember being a teenager and not wanting to tell my parents ANYTHING and feeling like they would know too much about me. IDK. It's kinda crazy.
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I think that the vanishers stay out of sight and out of touch for several reasons:
1) The old team (i.e. your family) knows everything about you and may see through some of your truly stupid plans and ideas so, to put that criticism to bed quickly, just cut them out of your life.
2) They lack impulse control for their addictions. Removing the spouse is really just clearing the field of an obstacle to their fantasy life. It is pesky to have old remnants hanging around cluttering your vision of the "New Perfect Existance". Childlike, I know, but they really want to maintain the fairytale as long as possible.
3) The MLC behavior is abominable and I believe that even the MLCer knows that. He/She knows that the things they have done are shameful, and shame is a driving motivation for the MLCer to run away. After all, what child wants to face up to the appropriate punishment for their actions? Well, put MLCers in that category too.
4) Vanishers may, more than some of the other types of MLCers like Clinging Boomerangs and Low Energy MLCers, have viewed the spouse as more of the parent in the relationship (mine did, I was like his Big Mama, cleaning up his dumb messes, paying his bills, running his errands, etc.) When they enter MLC, they want to be grow up (or we think that they aspire to that developmental goal, or at the very least, they aspire to "freedom" without a parent-figure in the picture) so they gotta leave Big Mama's nest, and like a teenager, they do it with a flare for the theatrical.
Reading through some of my spouse's diary that my son had given me (thus peeking into the head of an MLCer), he was trying very hard to recapture his integrity. Apparently this plagued him deeply (yes, guilt and shame are motivators). He wrote crap like, "I am a man of my word," and "I am faithful to my Significant Other", so that I almost died of laughter (it was more the irony, than outright funny) when I read these things. Who is he kidding? He still envisioned himself as a man of integrity and his word, even after walking out on his family without so much as 5 min notice after 26 years! He's faithful to his cheating and lying co-worker? [What a Thought! And both lack any shred of integrity]. I have trouble picturing how anyone could begin to think that they have integrity when one has so callously disregarded his family in this manner. He also lamented about "I don't belong anywhere". Pathetically all of these are consequences of his own selfish actions that lacked any moral fiber at all. It is all so ridiculous. Guess in his case, you don't realize what you've lost until you can't regain it. Honor and dignity are tough items to reclaim. So I think all those things about shameful behavior are why the Vanishers stay vanished and out of sight.
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Wow, MelanieB. I think you nailed it for me. I never thought of it like that but I think you may be onto something here. Thanks for sharing that with us. Some of the things you said hit so close to home for me. My xH also said things to me in text messages that "he wants to be a better man" or he is a better man. The hiding from the shame and the guilt also fits my xH. This opens up a lot of unanswered questions for me......but it is still so disturbing and no one answer fits all.
Thanks again!
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I think it's so interesting that he hasn't even been in contact with HIS family. It seems like most of us are shocked when our in-laws support their son's horrible behavior because they just want to see their boys "happy". I know that is the case with my H's family. I thought they would have clobbered him with "what are you thinking??", but it was the opposite.
My guess is your H must be feeling a huge amount of shame to hide from his own family - unless they have always had a bad relationship.
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I thought they would have clobbered him with "what are you thinking??", but it was the opposite.
I think there are two reasons for this.
One there are two sides to every story.
And our spouses have their own sides of the story to tell their relatives.
PLUS BLOOD is thicker than WATER.
And the relatives are ususally going to side with their blood relations.
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I thought they would have clobbered him with "what are you thinking??", but it was the opposite.
I think there are two reasons for this.
One there are two sides to every story.
And our spouses have their own sides of the story to tell their relatives.
PLUS BLOOD is thicker than WATER.
And the relatives are ususally going to side with their blood relations.
OP is right. My MIL was on my side for a long time and I believe is still on my side in a wierd way but as things get worse for H and he becomes more a victim and really comes face to face with the mess she is becoming colder to me. I know he is telling her things and they are MASTER manipulators. My MIL knows that I have been patient, forgiving, loving (as I have told her many a time that I care for him and his happiness)...yet she is FRIGID lately. It's the laws of nature and we must stand tall inside knowing our own truth and walking in that. It's a great lesson for life.
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The answer for me to this one is quite simple - its SHAME.
My H has always had issues with shame from his childhood - alcoholic mentally ill father who drew too much attention to the family for negative reasons- upshot was my H was alway concerned about what other people think so ineterestingly while he appears to have lost his moral compass whilst in MLC he doesn't want people to know about what he is doing in case they judge him :o
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All I know is my H has been secretive about everything and nothing, stuff that really isn't something that needs to be "covered up" in any way. While some things I am sure have been about guilt and shame, not all of it has been. It is really, really crazy and does help solidify to me that he is not in his right mind. He probably has some strange conspiracy theory going on in his head about what I might do with the information if I had it. :o :o
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My H was very secretive and angry. I felt that he was hiding something and that something was causing him a great deal of guilt/anger. Two weeks ago he admitted to having a physical affair about 18 months ago and since that confession things seem to have improved a little. The part I am having difficulty with is being able to trust him. He lied to me, our kids and basically everyone for a long time. He has stopped seeking out justification of his actions. Don't know what all this means but I am cautiously optimistic.
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Is this behaviour typical of a vanisher and what causes them to be this way? Also, does this behaviour reduce the chances of a reconciliation?
Somewhere in their minds they KNOW what they are doing is wrong; and some never intended to leave the marriage in the first place; but most KNOW that if they say anything; blowing the affair out into the open, they could find themselves divorced.
And some don't want that, as they know within their hearts they will return to the LBS..what they don't know is that it's possible the LBS might NOT want them back...they don't realize this until much later in the crisis; when all of the damage is shown to them in living color.
This possibility should be a very scary thought; but if they do have that thought, it is "put aside" for what they think is "better things" for the moment...it's not something they want to dwell on, for they have convinced themselves the LBS will always be there for them...and the LBS in this instance is taken for granted.
Some of the secretiveness is selfishness on their part; some of it shame and guilt; but the excitement is to much of a "high" to give up, just yet.
For some, they wanted the friendship; but things went much farther than they intended them to go; and it's kept secret out of guilt and shame.
It's ALSO typical teenage behavior; and the LBS is viewed as someone who could really make trouble for them, if they knew what the MLC'er was doing.
You know, kinda like the girlfriend/boyfriend that mom/dad doesn't approve of...and they are intent on getting what they want, regardless of who it hurts.
Mine was NOT a vanisher; but his behavior in keeping the affair he had a secret was much the same; NO ONE had contact with his OW, but him...she was a dirty little secret that was being blown open by me; and the only thing he didn't realize was that HE was telling on himself the WHOLE time...I didn't know until nearly the end, that the emotional "signs" had there all that time...I just didn't see them until I started doing some research on the internet..and those signs jumped out at me; plus a whole lot more as he was trying to end it; and he, unknowingly, when the affair went physical, brought home evidence that he was and had been with another woman.
The above has nothing to do with anything; but secretiveness is a common MLC trait...they think they have it over on the LBS; not really knowing the LBS has ways of finding out what he/she wants to know, IF they really want to know. :)
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HB,
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through even over death..Knowing that my H is knowing that he is having an affair in front of my face. I focuse on me but somehow he knows how to pull me back in and then the next day it is back to being distance. I feel stupid for falling for the pattern because it feels so good to get his attenetion and affection when he gives it knowing all along he has the ow. Last night was good..but today it is back to "I think that I am going out Sat and I dont want to fight about it". I feel like I have no say in anything because he doesnt listen to me and does what he wants if I say anything then it is "this is why I go out". "she is just a friend and she will always be a friend". I have watched this for 1 year adn 7months..trying so hard to keep my family together. Keep it as normal as possible for the kids. He also said he has to been seen out and show his face..but I know that he is with her most of the nights that he is out. How do they do that and come home to us and act like everything is normal? I want to scream at the top of my lungs and then I just sit down and cry because I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this. It is like I am nothing to him NOTHING..All I have is memories of the last 17 years. We use to be best friends..did everything together.. He was so proud to have me and now I am replaced by a younger woman who is nothing and he has said she is needy and has no self respect adn a homewrecker. Then why
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I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this.
This has always been the most difficult concept for me.
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Still,
I dont understand and no matter what I read or how impowered I become I feel that there is no way out of this. If I am the good person or the evil person it is a no win. I am told that I am a good woman, sexy, loving, have great faith and yet he treats me like I dont matter. My feelings do not count. I am struggling because he is still in the house and goes on as if nothing is happening or has happened. But looking at his new tatoos that she bought him and his ring finger without his ring is a reminder of her everyday. I know none of us thought we would be here..I thought that he would love me forever. I dont know what need she is giving him but I know he will not allow me to fill any now. I want to be the great wife to him again as I was before all of this but he wont let me. I know the affair has slowed down but I still can not expect that he has done this to me or himself. Trying to get a grip..reading everything I can on MLC and affair but it doesnt help with the pain. HOW CAN HE DO THIS and think it is okay? HE CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH HER. HE CAN NOT HANG WITH HER. I know it is all crap but I shut my mouth now and just watch while dying inside. I am so lonely, and want to love and be loved. I want my happiness back and having to see him takes it away and then at the same time I want him and my marriage. Im stuck. One day life is great and the next they rip it from you.
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(((faithful)))
I know how much you are hurting. Believe it or not, the MLC'er hurts, too. What they are trying to do is relieve their own pain, stop the aging, go back to a point when they were more (fill in the blank). The problem is that you can never go back. We are a total of our life experiences. The MLC'er gets to a point when they believe they are missing out, somehow life shortchanged them and they need to grasp all that they can before it gets too late. It is selfish, it is self-serving, it is self-absorbed. Fortunately, for most people, it eventually ends.
This truly isn't about you. What happens to you is simply a by-product of what he is going through. One day, he will see this for what it was.
The only thing that has truly helped me when I was at my lowest was giving it over to God. Sometimes we are simply mortals and we need a higher power to take over. This is a horrible, awful season in our lives, but it is only one season. Remember the good things about your life, find what makes you happy, take the focus off your husband. You will find joy again....you really will.
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((((Aww Still))),
Thank you so much... I have given it to God and then I slip back... I pray adn respent to God that I am sorry and that I am in his way again. I guess my whole piont to this is I focuse on myself and kids. I do what makes me happy. And happiness to me are the kids and being home for them. I LOVE being a mom.. and this is their time..I guess when I look back my happiess times were with my h. We have been together sense we were late teens. And it is winter here so I am a homebody..I love to watch movies and talk with my girlfriends on the phone. All my friends are always busy with there lives and families and H. I love to go get my nails and feet done. My hair done and eat out with the kids. But there is something always missing...and it is my h. Here I am watching our kids grow and they are watching their dad go out all the time. IN the last year and 7 months he goes out every weekend but the last two weekends he has been home but goes to bed early. What is that??? Now he is back at it with telling me he is going out this weekend. I see the pattern. Still, how did you detach? Was he still in the home? How long did his last? I know it is a season and I pray God brings him back to me and he see me as the lighthouse. Oh so confused. Im sorry, I dont mean to go on and on....Please help me to detach I need some guidance on this...cause what I am doing is not helping..I feel like I am the crazy one.
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Hi, Faithful. this is a terrible, terrible, experience. I know, like most of us here, have NEVER experienced so much hurt and pain in our lives! I never dreamed I would be dealing with something like this. I sometimes sit and remember a few times my xH and I would see an older man with either a younger woman or fancy little sports car (or both) and joke about "midlife crisis"...........well, it certainly isn't a joke that's for sure. I am so grateful and truly impressed with everything this site provides. I wish I had found it a long time ago. I actually signed up for the "free" emails from RCR which became truly helpful in learning all about MLC. I did a lot of reading and research on my own as well. But, finding so many others going through this dreadful experience along with me has been more than helpful. Sometimes very sad but also I'm still learning. I don't have much contact with my xH as we are divorced and do not have children but I'm standing for myself and for the man I love with all my heart. I sometimes find myself thinking and going over and over this craziness asking why, why, why? But, I've also learned how to stop myself from torturing me. It's not easy but the more I do it the easier it gets. I also (sometimes) find myself "secretly" laughing at my xH.........funny things he did/said or how he "looked" at times. I've NEVER laughed to his face.
You hang in there and try your best to focus on yourself while caring and loving him from afar.
Take care of youself.
((((HUGS))))
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LoveMyMan,
Did he leave you? or was it mutal? Is he with ow? Im so scared. He is all I know. Oh why is this happening. I just want something to make sense.
I am here venting today... can you tell??? I dont remember the last time he told me he loved me. I dont remember the words. Its been so long. I am assuming we waffle also. The rollercoaster. I sleep next to him every night and miss his touch.. or "I love you baby sleep good". Or the little notes that he would leave in the morning. They suck the good out dont they. They suck us dry and keep sucking. He knows I am wanting this marriage to work. He knows I am trying.. I have worked on myself so much...but I can not show him as he will not give me that chance. All about him. When he talks it is all about his work, the complaiments he gets, what he is going to do, what he needs, about the truck or how he looks, money, going out, who texted him, who called him, when I talk he doesnt pay attention. Only if it is about him or the kids. I need to just step out of the way. I have no place in his life anymore except for cleaning, paying bills, cooking, and being a beautiful wife as it reflects him. What a joke. Now I just went from sad to mad... geessshhhh... This is not my life.. man
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Still, how did you detach?
It took me a long time to do this and I still slip from time to time. I had a lot of help from this and other forums. Most people around us do not understand the situation. They want us to stop hurting and they believe that leaving the marriage is the only way to do that. The concept of standing is simply not something most people comprehend.
Each day, I start with exercise, prayer and meditation. I ask God for strength and endurance on this path. To open my eyes to things that I need to see and to fill my heart with forgiveness. I ask for his guidance in being a better mother, sister, daughter, friend, employee, volunteer, and wife. Most importantly, I ask for His Will to be done in my life. Then, of course, I pray for all of you.
After that my day becomes about my kids and me. I show my kids that no matter what, we can find happiness in things around us. We make good memories every day.
Was he still in the home?
He is still in the home. His crisis began 4/2008 after he became ill at a sporting event.
How long did his last?
like the Energizer bunny......still going.
....Please help me to detach I need some guidance on this...cause what I am doing is not helping..I feel like I am the crazy one.
I am posting a link to Laura Munson's story. When her husband went into MLC, she declared the "end of suffering".
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=4&em
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Faithful:
It was totally him..........he left me while I was out of town visiting my daughter. I had a terrible feeling in my gut that something was wrong. He and I talked in Oct. (BD) and went through all the crying and begging and pleading. He cried a lot and said he was just "unhappy" and didn't know what was going on with him. He later told me he had been this way for about two years.........really? I didn't see it coming. His mother had died and he dealt with all the legal aspects of her Estate for approximately two years........then about a year into that he retired from his job and started a new one.........to which he was miserable from the get-go. He hated it. I figured that between the death of his mother and his sitch with his new job tossed him right into MLC. We 'celebrated' (if you will) our 5th Anniversary in Nov. right after BD..........he was having an EA with a coworker...........which I discovered about 3 weeks after he left me. It was awful........just the worst........as you can imagine. I had to get a grip on myself.........it took many months. I'm now 4 months divorced......it took nearly a year. I tried to hold on as long as I could. I told him I didn't want a D and I'd rather we stay separated until we could work through it. He wanted no part of it.......said he was "done"!! No counselling or anything.
Yes, they (MLC) can literally suck the life out of you. I miss my xH something terrible........I feel your pain. I've worked on myself and things are getting better for me........but it is oh still so hard and painful! I've sat for many hours and gone back over the past 3 years (time line) and started seeing the "signs" that I didn't notice before. I believe HB had posted something about BD being a half-way point of sorts.......so my xH started about two years prior to BD and it has now been 16 months SINCE BD............so, I'm hoping and holding on............that perhaps around August to October 2011 my xH might begin to start emerging from his tunnel........I know the timeline isn't that predictable but at least I've got something to hang onto for now.
Before my xH left me I noticed his lack of attention to most things......including me. He stopped holding my hand which we didn't constantly when together. He clung to the edge of the bed........when he wasn't sleeping in his recliner. It was a very heartbreaking and lonely time. I'm still very lonely without him but it's easier not having him underfoot and me having to witness his craziness or his lack of affection toward me.
Oh, no, as far as I know, there isn't OW now.......the first affair with OW didn't last.....but he found another one immediately afterwards.........but it also didn't last very long. He actually bought the first one a car!! We were still very much married at the time and he purchased her a car because he "felt sorry" for her.....she had no credit. He first told me they were just "friends" and he was only trying to help her.......yeah, right. She was a manipulator and a predator.........that's for sure. She wasn't younger than him and in my opinion she was way below his standards........but I understand that is also typical of MLC.
You hang in there. We are all here in the same boat.........some bigger than others.........but just keep afloat and row when you have too!
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HB,
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through even over death..Knowing that my H is knowing that he is having an affair in front of my face. I focuse on me but somehow he knows how to pull me back in and then the next day it is back to being distance. I feel stupid for falling for the pattern because it feels so good to get his attenetion and affection when he gives it knowing all along he has the ow. Last night was good..but today it is back to "I think that I am going out Sat and I dont want to fight about it". I feel like I have no say in anything because he doesnt listen to me and does what he wants if I say anything then it is "this is why I go out". "she is just a friend and she will always be a friend". I have watched this for 1 year adn 7months..trying so hard to keep my family together. Keep it as normal as possible for the kids. He also said he has to been seen out and show his face..but I know that he is with her most of the nights that he is out. How do they do that and come home to us and act like everything is normal? I want to scream at the top of my lungs and then I just sit down and cry because I could never imagine hurting someone I love or loved like this. It is like I am nothing to him NOTHING..All I have is memories of the last 17 years. We use to be best friends..did everything together.. He was so proud to have me and now I am replaced by a younger woman who is nothing and he has said she is needy and has no self respect adn a homewrecker. Then why
You DON'T have any say; this is HIS life; and though he may try, he has NO say in your life...and he gets to find that out later on IF you were to decide you don't want him anymore...and that time may come later on.
Faithful, you are NOT being replaced, and he is NOT doing this to YOU....if you think about it, he is doing it to himself...if he loses everything in this process; and in time, he will see what he's done....he has no one to blame but himself.
They compartmentalize their lives into boxes; and they always hope the twain will never meet, but eventually they do; as everything begins to fall apart like the proverbial house of cards....and things spin completely out of the control..going places they never thought possible.
DON'T take what he's doing personally...let him go, focus on you....since you cannot control him, you can only control yourself....and you need to go forward, leaving him behind.
You don't need negative attention; so stop trying to convince him that what he's doing is wrong...he KNOWS, already.
When you pressure him, you're pursuing him; and it's not gonna work; he will only go deeper into the affair, and run farther away.
For now, to him, you ARE nothing..and you have no meaning to him at all..his feelings are buried deep; they stick him once in a while, but he shoves them back down because he doesn't want to face what he's doing....he continues to justify his actions, because of what you do in the way of pressuring him...that feeds the beast; and you don't want to do that.
The affair has to run its course to whatever end it will come to; and if he decides to go on with the OW, you've lost NOTHING, but a great deal of heartache; as your husband is NOT made of gold, nor is he a means to an end.
So, let him go, focus on you; if your marriage is meant to come back together; he will return to do the work, if not; for every day God closes, He opens another with something better.
LET GO and LET GOD work in the situation; only HE knows what is ahead; no one else does.
It's WRONG what they do; but there's NOTHING that can be done to "wake them up" to their wrongs, they must, in time, see this on their own.
And if they don't or get stuck within the tunnel? Well, that's on THEM.
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Thank you HB,
So can you give me some pionters?
When he says he is going out...I say oh okay..(is that good)
When he comes home he always asks "did you miss me" I say "no" (is that good)
It is like he wants a reaction out of me...
I hear what you are saying and it is all so true... Let Go and Let God. Trying to detach without anger is a hard one for me. Here he has this other life and I am standing. He is having fun with another woman and I am home taking care of kids and house. Not fair but such is life.
I have come to see that I am the strong one and the one that is responsible.. Always have been...He loves playing head games I can tell you that...very good at malputation..
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I am home taking care of kids and house. Not fair but such is life.
Faithful,
You can turn this around and make it a blessing in your life. I can't tell you how much I have learned to treasure my time with my kids. They are amazing, intuitive, fascinating little people that I am blessed to have in my lives. Together, the children and I have created so many memories. We traveled to places we had never gone, I learned to assemble things I never would have, and we planned so many things to do together. I love, love, love my time with my kids. My H is missing out on that and he will need to deal with that at some point.
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FWL - I have a live in MCLer.
When he says he is going out...I say oh okay..(is that good)
Good. Keep it simple. :)
When he comes home he always asks "did you miss me" I say "no" (is that good)
Good grief - he wants to keep you sucked in. :) IDK - my H hasn't asked that since the MLC (though he used to sometimes before). I think I might not answer or just smile. OR don't answer and change the subject completely with something benign and small talk-y.
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Thank you guys,
And yes he loves to tornment me..You would be in aww if you knew everything that he has become and done through out this. But, I know that this monster is not the man that I knew..and maybe I will never get that man back. Something about this is so evil..There are times his eyes are like black coal when he gets mad...
Maybe I am holding on to the man that I fell in love with and that is not him. I do however know that ow and him made me out to be the evil one. and he let her text me and come to our home once in front of our kids. It was always my fault which now he is not like that. He coming around slowly but I think that he ..... Oh you guys I just dont know.
Its abuse.. emotionally and mentally. I am worn out... tried... and just need peace from it.
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MelB Or should we rename you 'spice girl'?
to quote you
Reading through some of my spouse's diary that my son had given me (thus peeking into the head of an MLCer), he was trying very hard to recapture his integrity. Apparently this plagued him deeply (yes, guilt and shame are motivators). He wrote crap like, "I am a man of my word," and "I am faithful to my Significant Other", so that I almost died of laughter (it was more the irony, than outright funny)
I agree re the integrity .. my H is so like this he has told me how amazing a ceo he is, a wonderful provider, a man of his words, so again weird where do they get the scrip from ........
and re your h not having a home?
My H told me he had no home anymore .........wait for for it because I had painted the (my) study and this was a message to him from me as I didn't ask him what colour to paint it???????? I said don't you like it he said Yes so I gave my (now well practiced) LBS face of Oh Dear ...etc
this is sheer madness and would make a super sitcom xx
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Reading the postings here really helps us share very similar things our H's have said and/or done. It's amazing to me how different people going through this crisis are so similar in their actions/words, etc. Something here also rang true for me and hits so close to home. I guess just having something "validated" makes me realize, "oh, my gosh".........it's just the MLC talking! Anyway, my xH had also stated to me that he never felt like the house was his home.........really? Well, it was my house before we got married but I had only lived in it for 3 years prior to our marriage and he lived in it with me for 5 years. I was hurt and shocked that he would say something like that. We had purchased a lot and had plans for building our 'dream' home........I'm so glad and thankful that we weren't in the middle of doing that when BD hit. I would have really been devastated. I had talked to my xH several times over the course of the 5 years about getting his name on the house but he said no point........especially since we were planning to build. They do tend to say a lot of hurtful things and some stuff is just crazy.
I agree with it being "evil"........it really seems to be that way. My xH also made me out to be the bad guy................................... I was made out to be the wicked witch in his texting to OW. I have copies of two days worth of texting between them. Most of which still makes me sick to my stomach to this very day if I read it. I've been seriously thinking about shredding it.........since we are already divorced and I feel no need to hang onto it.......plus, it's just an awful reminder. Any suggestions regarding this? Should I or should I not?
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Hi
i would shred and never look back ........
I dont keep any texts or voice mails jsut e-mails as they contain financial info or such like xx
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Thanks, B. I've really been thinking about it because I feel like shredding all the "evidence" will help me move even further forward. It's like the "elephant" in my bedroom........I know it's there. I know this is crazy, but I also have a Styrofoam coffee cup with the OW's lipstick on it!! UGHHHH!! I'll start the shredding process this weekend!
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Oh Yuk the cup I mean ..........shred and be free and then the elephant can be happy too
B x
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B..........you make me laugh! I know, I can't believe I actually got it (cup) out of the garbage! When I told my xH that I knew he was in yet another affair (second one) he was very "smug" about it.........so very hurtful......and it was on my Birthday that I discovered it! My xH commented at one point during the beginning of all this garbage that I should have been a detective. Ha, ha.
Hope you and everyone here has a great weekend!
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Lovemyman
Sherd it.. I have a year and 7 months worth..naked pic of her on his phone that he took, gifts in our home (clothes and ps2 and cell phone)..He wears the clothes and used the phone and plays with ps2,,,also have the tattoos on his body she paid for... Get rid of all of it....It is piontless for you. I am looking pass as much as I can to not think of it when I see the tattoos and clothes... makes me sick but I have to be better then that. It hurts alot...but you can do it...It is so hard. and I live it everyday...
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Faithful:
I plan to start the shredding/trashing right away. I think my mouth dropped open when I read the part about the tattoo!! That's awful! that thing will always be a reminder! How terrible! I can't imagine having to live with all that! This crisis crap is bad enough without having something like that to look at! Bless you.
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and guess what they are... a celtic cross on his arm (so God is always with him) and 3 5 piont stars on the side of his stomatch...Isnt that so nice.....Oh there is so much more I dont even want to say...cause it cause to much pain...
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I can only imagine.........how sick! I'd almost be tempted to take a blow torch to those tats! I know they can be removed but I'm sure the process is expensive. It saddens me so much.........all this nonsense and unneccessary pain! I honestly believe that God knew what he was doing when he provided Adam with Eve...............women are so much stronger than men (no offense to the men here). We endure childbirth, raise kids, keep houses clean, work, cook, take care of the sick, etc., etc. Women rule!! Sorry, Guys!
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Thanks we will try but its not too hard - we do laugh a lot ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
re the tatoos - imtroduce him to Angelina !!
Lets face it - it's the only way to stay sane in this crazy life we are all part of
BUT I do feel so sorry for my H as he is missing out on so much - he will never be part of our memories whilst he's been gone and (when he speaks to me now he is now continually asking me questions about what I do and when and etc and he remembers things I have told him ..spooky !!) he tries to pretend to himself he's still part of us, funny one I was talking to S about a neighbour and he kept butting in going back in time and S kept looking at me and when H turned around he mouthed 'crazy'. But it doesn't last THEN zap he's back to running as fast as he can no looking back and a man on a mission again.........
I get worried that once he has solved the issues from his past well how is he then going to have the ability to solves the issues hes recently created - ?
B
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Very good question...........how will they repair/fix damage they created in this madness, i.e. job situations. I decided I can't worry about it. My xH thinks he's going to be happy again once he moves away, finds another job, etc. It's like he truly believes that he's going to start "fresh"........I don't get it. He is living in the "I'll be happy when.............??????" world............I know, he's got to look within himself to find the real happiness. I tried to tell him that happiness isn't a place, stuff, money, things or even people. He gave me the blank stare...............deer in the headlights look. My xH also told me many times that he couldn't "untie" the knots. So, sad...........such a waste. I want to wake up from this nightmare!
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He is living in the "I'll be happy when.............??????" world
Hey!!........my H lives there........have you got directions? ;D
HUGS
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:o They are so crazy... They can fix it if they wanted to...It is a choice...they are just lazy..to much work to repair the damage THEY caused and if they do that then they will have to look at who they became and how they treated the people who were/are there for them with REAL love..I wish so badly that none of this was happening to any of us.. But one way to look at it is God must really feel we are strong people cause alot of people would not make it and hold it together. I know I can forgive my h but not until he will let me start to heal and that is when 3rd party is out of the picture.
Do you know he will hug me and love on me one day and the next he is cold and distant.. One day he will say I hear what you are saying and the next it is I will do what I want.. okay but do they understand we are in limbo not knowing. I mean he talks to me like I am a roomate... hey whats up and what are your plans for the weekend???? WTH is that??? about 3weeks ago he started to opne up,,,,, saying no sure if we are going to make it... I have feelings for her.... and no I am not conntected to you.. then turned around the next day and said... I feel so stuck.. I dont know what I want... I created the mess I have to clean it up.... but ladies I dont see much improvement on that end,,, I know nothing about what is going on except the texts are less and he is home more...that is it.
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SorryI am all over the place today.. Just trying to tell the story through out the year and 7 months.. :-\ >:( :(
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FWL
My H has opened up at times,
Then he goes right on in his distructive path.
Things are truely BAD for him at the moment, and still he can't see it.
I pray they all do, but in the end, only they can do it.
It is best just to get on, and leave them to it.
It is so hard, but it s the only way.
Now all i have to do is remember what i just wrote ;D
HUGS
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Faithful,
I certainly understand how you feel.......and I know that bouncing back and forth, up and down "yo-yo" has got to be extremely stressful and "hair-pulling" for you. I think perhaps once you become "numb" or indifferent towards him it will help you. I don't know how you and the others who are still residing together handle it. It was hard enough for me to have my H leave me like he did and to shut me out completely........discarded like a piece of trash........I felt betrayed (as we all do)......and like a total failure. For whatever reason, it seems to me that they (MLC'ers) enjoy the torture and turmoil they create.........but that's because they are so confused and conflicted within themselves. They are lost and they are also hurting but they don't understand it. It's as if they are going "mad"..........literally crazy! I pray for you and your family.........it's rough seas, but you'll survive it. The sun will shine again!
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Thank you so much... Hugs to all of you and I pray for all of us. God will never forsake us.. I know that...
I have been numb and indiffernt but then I slip back..
I will make it and so all of you...
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That is the one thing we can be sure of......
We will make it.....and the sun will shine again.
Hang on in there ;)
HUGS