Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: UnconditionalLove on March 25, 2016, 06:55:50 AM
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Not really sure where this goes so if it has to be moved please do so.
Here is what I would like to discuss.
When someone has lost a spouse to death. They still talk about that person, refer to their past. It's as though that person is still with them. Oh yeah, Joe and I went to Mexico 4 years ago. Yeah, Joe would have said... I know I remember when Joe... It's OK for them to share their past stories because that person pass away.
However, when you are divorced/Separated sharing stories brings on weird looks or people telling you it's time to move on. Sharing a oh yeah, I went to Mexico with Mlcer's 4 years ago and we had a great time or Yeah, MLCer said... seems kind of taboo. I am getting the filling that my past is now just that my past and nothing is suppose to be brought up or I am considered not moving on. How do people here deal with that. My whole life was with one man. If I can't bring him up because he's in my past how do you say I did this or I went here, etc without bring up MLCer? It's not like it's bad moments but just part of your life.
I would love a discussion on this because I'm finding it hard to know what to do. People look at me like there is a Pink Elephant in the room and I am not to mention my old life.
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You cant take away the past, you cant change it.
You can only change the present and the future.
I think in many respects death is easier than divorce because it is final and you either accept it or not.
Divorce is harder to accept.
I think that with my dreaded Gift Of TIME you can make new memories and
that life still goes on.
They all make it easier to deal with the past.
I see nothing wrong with remembering your past and learning from it.
However I also thing that it is healthier to worry about today and what will happen in the future than to dwell on the past.
Knowledge always remains POWER and the past is part of that knowledge.
Maybe the people look at you like their is a PINK elephant in the room because you see the PINK elephant.
As soon as you change the color to green, then it will be a green elephant in the room.
I think we must lead, and those around us will follow.
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Thanks OldPilot!
Some great words there. I think what I'm trying to separate in this discuss is the difference in not moving forward living in the past to just everyday conversations which brings up things you did in your past. It's difficult to even hold a conversation without referring to something in your past and people just don't want you to say anything from your past, just wipe it out.
AKA
Bee and I are going to Rome? Really, MLCer and I went to Rome about 4 years ago and loved it. I remember this place that had great food, etc... It's just conversation but for many it's a conversation I guess they don't know what to do with because a name was mentioned they don't know now how to handle.
I don't know, everything is a process. You are right Old Pilot over time I'll have new memories but LOL! I had 31 years of a billion trips, movies, restaurants, etc to add to conversations. LOL! I don't want to cut conversations short because of awkwardness but in the same sense...my past was my life too just as it was for a person who loss their spouse to death. There was happy times in fact as many of us here we didn't know MLCer was unhappy. We didn't fight, they didn't complain they just walked out, left and are gone. While many unhappy couples see the writing on the wall and are even jointly ready for a divorce and to move on, we thought we were in happy marriages so we had a lot of happy memories.
This thread could be interesting. Maybe I'll learn something I should be applying for sure. Learning the word I rather than we or using spouses name. I went to Rome a few years ago. Then they will probably look at me and say...you did that alone? LOL!
Thanks again!
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I know what you mean, UL. I spent most of my life with my wife and so that experience is a large part of who I am today. Denying that is like denying my past existence. If you feel like mentioning that part of your past I say go ahead, even if it makes people uncomfortable. Eventually they'll get used to it. I think a lot of their discomfort is based on the fact that divorced people are supposed to hate each other and once they realize that's not where you're coming from they'll loosen up. But I probably have way too much of a tendency to say what I'm thinking so you might not want to take my advice.
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I'm a big believer in the healing power of words, especially the ones we say on the inside. I think your language will evolve as you become the focus of your own life. Those memories won't go away, but they become less about "MLCer and I", to gradually "I went with MLCer", to "I went". He isn't erased, but you start to become more centered in your wholeness and your autonomy (at least, that's the way it has been for me), in a way that you start to express more easily to others. It will be unconscious.
It makes sense with everything happening in your life right now that it's hard to not involve him at the forefront of those things. I have said many times over the last five years that I talk more about my husband and our relationship now than I ever did when we were actually together, because it's been the #1 thing on my mind. The transition from "we" to "I" has been far more difficult than I imagined it could be. I was always really independent before! Or so I thought. Really, I was just secure enough in my relationship to feel free. When that was taken away, I was destabilized. But it got better. :)
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You hit on the head MBIB. Divorced people are suppose to hate each other is right down the line of what I keep feeling and people don't get it. That's not how things worked for us. Heck, I don't think EX H has figured that out now that he's over the anger stuff. It would be interesting how he has these conversation too now. LOL!
I don't have a hate for the man and people don't understand that. He was a good part of my life and if I look at this as an illness you really can't hate them. Although, I also don't just wipe it under a rug either. They know what they have done.
Hmm...not sure MBIB what you mean about saying what you think? Would anyone want that any differently? Thanks for the input.
Thanks Ready!
I'm sure time with change the way I see things and at some point just say I did something and I alone.
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Hmm...not sure MBIB what you mean about saying what you think? Would anyone want that any differently? Thanks for the input.
I think sometimes people are happier when you tell them what they want to hear. Telling them what you think makes them uncomfortable. Like when you mention the things you and your husband did together.
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UL, I guess it's just that people treat a death and a divorce differently. They have no problem talking about your dead spouse with love and tenderness but not an X spouse. Their almost afraid to mention them and when you do they don't know what to say.
It's too bad but I'd say if you want to talk about him or what you guys did, in a conversation, why not?
I do. ;D I'm not going to act like he never existed.
I certainly don't mention him all the time but if it comes up I say what I want. But that's just me.
People are confused sometimes but that's their problem.
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I don't have a hate for the man and people don't understand that.
Personally this makes no sense to me.
My children are 50% of my ex wife, so if I were to hate my ex-wife I would in effect be hating 50% of my children.
NOPE - not going to happen.
I unconditionally love my children and can see where that applies to my ex also.
Now does that mean I can't have boundaries with all of them?
NOPE - unconditional love must still have boundaries, that is what I am sticking to.
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It doesn't make sense to me either but I will say they way I have looked at my EX H and the process of all this a how other women go after their husband all the time being really ugly that to most people must seem normal. I never did that and never will.
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It is a bit unrealistic due to the memories ( and some triggers) of the ex you have and not refer to that... be it a trip or any other way you can relate to other people. I have a friend who I probably would not have met if not for him.
And there's still really good times the ex and I had with her and her husband that she and I still laugh about.
It was a long term relationship whether you see it in hindsight as healthy or unhealthy.
From my perspective I do agree a death is easier in quite a few ways. To grieve the relationship (you thought you had) and people who are still living isn't an easy thing to do.
I do not hate the ex. I'm working on being indifferent. Unconditional love? I'm doing the kindest thing for me this time is NC and and heal and not deal with him.
I love me more than to listen to and expose myself to the negativity, abuse, or the drama he added to my life during the course of the relationship.
If the NC benefits him? That works for me.
I can and have forgiven him before I could do that I had to forgive myself . Mostly for being human and not perfect..that doesn't mean I have to have anything to do with him. To me that's not holding a grudge. I call it self respect.
I agree. I love my children unconditionally. I simply will not put up with them thinking they can treat me the same way he did.
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But InIt, haven't you ever been talking to someone about some place maybe you and your XH went and you said..oh yes, we went there before? It's a fun place to go.
Would you feel you couldn't mention that because of the reaction people would have?
I just think there is a difference between a widow making that statement as opposed to a divorced person saying it.
Either should be acceptable. It's still part of our past experiences, our history.
I'm thinking that may be what UL is getting at.
Is it UL? Or am I misunderstanding?
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To be honest T- I have practiced simply saying:
" I have been there before and had a good time. If you get a chance check out this restaurant. The food was great". Or "The beach was really nice". Or maybe recommend a hotel.
I simply edit the ex out.
It's not because of the reaction people might have due to it. It simply helps me move passed the relationship.
Same as not saying or typing MY ex. (I don't own him or have any claim and have no interest or investment in him)
I find it much more healing for me to refer to him as "the ex". If I have too.
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I had this same problem the other day. My tendency was to say "my h blah blah blah". That felt weird and made me feel like people think I'm crazy. I've gotten better now at just refering to him by his first name. However, I am unwilling to write him out of my stories just because I think someone else wants me to. Regardless of where we are now he has been around for 25 of my 42 years - that's huge!
I actually think in the short term people are ok with it from a widow but after awhile people think even they should put the past away. I think if every other word was H this or H that it would be a bit odd but I have no problem including him in the story if it's what feels right.
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But InIt, haven't you ever been talking to someone about some place maybe you and your XH went and you said..oh yes, we went there before? It's a fun place to go.
Would you feel you couldn't mention that because of the reaction people would have?
I just think there is a difference between a widow making that statement as opposed to a divorced person saying it.
Either should be acceptable. It's still part of our past experiences, our history.
I'm thinking that may be what UL is getting at.
Is it UL? Or am I misunderstanding?
This is how I understood UCL. I have felt that, what? awkwardness or shift? when I say something like, 'my h & I went to ____.' I am of course sensitive to it but it is definitely there except when talking to other lbs's.
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Yes Thunder you are correct!
Thanks everyone! This is a good thread.