Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Velika on May 22, 2016, 08:27:07 AM
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I was reading an article that said that MLC is almost nonexistent in Asian cultures. It was theorized this was due to cultural factors, but I did wonder if there could be a hereditary reason.
I have noticed many of the MLC stories on this board are very international. Oftentimes the spouses are from different countries or travel is involved in some way. However, common thread seems to be Northern or Eastern Europe.
Is there a common ancestral link? Are people who can trace their ancestry to a certain part of the world more likely to experience MLC?
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I don't think it matters where they come from but I do think it can be cultural to a degree.
In some cultures divorce is just not accepted. It is a very bad thing to divorce your spouse. You are looked down on.
They are taught you work on your marriage.
Then there are those who don't divorce your wife, you just get a few new ones. ::)
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We're USA based, but my xH is primarily of Irish descent. From the research myself and another lbs have done, there's a condition called Pyroluria which is more dominant in people of Irish heritage than any other. It's sometimes the underlying cause of various mood and personality disorders as well as other physical and mental issues that are sometimes associated with MLC. It's essentially the fancy word for a B6 and Zinc deficiency.
I want to note that this is just theory and not a diagnosis. My xH was not tested for this, despite my strong suspicions that he may be suffering from it.
I also had a crisis and am of Irish and Native American descent. I know there are a few other Native folks here on the forum, so that may throw a little wrench in the European theory (but not much!).
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I think it is cultural rather than biological. In my culture it appears as though it doesn't exist but that's because the culture is quite traditional and patriarchal. Women are discouraged from divorce and I think encouraged to tolerate infidelity.
I know it wasn't until all this started with my h than my mom recognized that it had happened with my dad as well.
My h even mentioned that the advice he received was just to have a woman on the side but not to disrupt the familial unit. The angst he was experiencing they could relate to but they didn't agree with his decision to leave.
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My h even mentioned that the advice he received was just to have a woman on the side but not to disrupt the familial unit. The angst he was experiencing they could relate to but they didn't agree with his decision to leave.
That makes sense. In my husband's family, where divorce is rampant, they all encouraged him to leave me when he told them that he was "unhappy." Never mind that nearly every single one is divorced and miserable. No questions as to preserving S7's "happiness."
I have to say, I think it is far better just to take a mistress and preserve family unit. I think there is a reason this cultural norm exists in some parts of the world. When my husband first told me about affair, I assumed it was just an affair. I asked him why he just didn't have decency to have a secret affair. Why drag us into it?
I think MLC is exactly like non consensual polygamy. It immediately introduces a "second wife" into the picture who oftentimes becomes involved in raising the children to some extent. I really don't see much of a difference between a man from a culture that accepts polygamy suddenly taking a second wife and my husband's behavior except that in the first case this might be the expectation when the marriage took place.
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My since is that it is more cultural than biological. I live in the Middle East and I know the advice here would be to go bring my wife home and if I have to get physical to teach her how to behave properly that that is my duty as a husband. My Asian housemaid is confused as to why I just don't go get her, because women aren't allowed to act this way according to her. Now these examples have a gender bias obviously. And MLC may exist here and be more acceptable in men, but honestly here men's adolescent behaviors toward women are more accepted at any age. Also many cultures are collectivist cultures and there is more pressure to conform to the group than individuate or self-actualize. They would not understand these words.
In the west, America especially, we are about freedom and the "pursuit of happiness." My wife is off pursuing happiness.
Affluence I think had bit to do with it too. The more we get the more we want.
All that said my wife's MLC, according to my father-in-law, looks identical it her own mother's MLC 20 years ago. (Nature or nurture, who knows).
I'm of Irish descent and haven't hit MLC yet, but maybe my wife beat me to it.
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There is absolutely no "scientific" basis for what I am about to say, but my husband had two uncles on his father's side who "disappeared" from contact with their families...I don't know if they deserted their marriages or even if they had been married but there were 2 who moved far away from their home and never were in touch again, or at the very least very rarely.
The other members of my FIL's family are all very close knit and tight. They lived in a community that was very family orientated, they had strong religious beliefs that supported family life. They attended weddings and funerals and other celebrations together, often traveling from far away to "get home" to these important life events. They were/are warm and loving people, yet two of their "clan" choose to stay as far away as possible and not stay in touch.
Again, I don't have any more knowledge than this...but my husband is apparently following the same path as they did with regards to living in far away places and having minimal contact with anyone who he was once close to.
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We are USA based as well and I agree with Thunder's last comment and unfortunately adding another is part of my culture. I for one personally am not polygamous, therefore I see it as a blatant unwanted affair. So I figure, if he can do this why can't I? Oh yea because I'm a woman, and a man can have as many as he wants. Um no. I'm calling for NEW RULES lol