Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: speed racer on August 30, 2016, 08:13:08 PM
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Elegance, Thunder, StillStanding
I just wrote another reply to you all that just disappeared.
Very frustrating. From now on, I'll have to do a read me document and
then past it in for reply.
Just know that your post always hit home with me.
I read them over and over...
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for being so kind as to give your time to my post.
Thunder, I can't remember. Did your "H" move away or did he stay at home during the worst of his crisis?
Thanks -Speed
previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5580.0
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Hello Speed,
Your arrival coincided with my being on vacation with my kids so I've just gone back and read through your thread that Anjae merged here....
As you'll note in my tag lines, I am relatively "new" to the whole situation, having been BD'd in December 2015 but my MLCW was, at the time, a VERY high Energy type and by the end of January, our house was sold, the end of March we were separated and the end of April, she was out of our former home.
I am in Germany so, legally, there is a mandatory 1-year wait between separation and being able to file for divorce.
I have 2 small(ish) kids S9 and D5 who are with me 50% of the time adn we pretty much always had our finances separate so, after the proceeds from the sale of the house were divided, there were no further financial entanglements.
MLCW was supposed to move out first (in February) but there was a water pipe leak in her flat so I ended up leaving the home first. THAT was a major hit for MLCW and it was at that point when she transitioned from a High Energy Replayer to a Clinging Boomerang....
You asked about contact. We have contact daily, sometimes several times a day, mostly related to the kids. Since they spend 50% of the time with me (including overnight) we have to coordinate pretty closely. I keep my communcation very light, breezy, and nearly professional. It is almost like being in court... You answer only the question asked and nothing more. In turn, I no longer allow her to get away with NOT answering me or waffling about things on and on while not providing any real information (which she uses as a manner of control).
In the articles that OP and StillStanding posted, I believe there is something about the "Rule of Three" when replying.... This is where you wait for 3... 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days before replying to things, depending on how you react to them.
Still was absolutely correct in that, if the MLC'er has the slightest inkling that you are pursuing, they will run farther and faster to get away. They see this as a form of control and that is what they are trying to get rid of (one of the MANY things). ANY pressure that you apply WILL backfire and blow up in your face.
I haven't been on the site in a while, but I see people referring to "detaching" and it seems very different than the concept of detachment that I am used to.
Detachment is about reclaiming responsibility for and control over your emotions. Detachment is what allows a doctor to treat a seriously ill child without breaking down in tears at the child's misery. It's not that the doctor doesn't care about the child—they know that the best way to help them is to maintain emotional distance.
Still said this in his post and I agree wholeheartedly. The word detachment, as it has been bandied about lately is NOT what RCR describes. Still has it sport on - "Detachment" is taking ownership of YOUR stuff, of your life, of YOUR emotions. It is getting YOUR power back because, let's be honest, we have (or had) given huge amounts of it to the MLC'er both during the marriage and after.
T-in-T mentioned that for a lot of men, physical infidelity is the "line in the sand" and I have read that elsewhere. For me personally, that is something that I can get my head around... The physical attraction being overwhelming. Somehow, I can understand that. For me, the hardest part would be, should my MLCW ever get her head out of her a$$ (which, I must add, I see little chance of since her father was also a VERY high energy MLC'er that was in Replay for 35 years until he died of heart failure) being able to really trust her NOT to do the same thing again at some point.....
You see, what I have learned in the 8 short months I have been on this rollercoaster is that, this is NOT about me. This is NOT about our marriage. This is NOT about ANYTHING over which I EVER had ANY influence. This is ALL about her FOO issues, how HER family dealt with things and how SHE has to figure out how to get past those issues. She grew up in a very dysfunctional family with lots of major FOO issues and learned from early on some very unhealthy patterns of dealing with things. She also has what I can see now are horrible issues with self-esteem (or lack thereof)....
Still mentioned some things about how to grow forward in your own life and I will second those. Since ABD (Atomic Bomb Drop), I have returned to singing in my church choir (I gave it up because MLCW felt threatened by it) and returning to being very active in my church (again, I gave it up because MLCW was threatened by it (beginning to see a pattern here? I too developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms in our M to compensate for hers). I have begun dressing in ways that I feel good again (MLCW had a very different style and was very quick to criticize or "recommend" a "better" way), I too lost a LOT of weight (about 40 lbs or 17 kgs) at first but have put on 5 again. However, since I am doing a LOT more sports, the weight is differently proportioned... After all, if you are putting a house on the market, you usually want to make it look good to attract the right kind of buyer. With your bod, it's no different. I am listening to music again that I enjoy (we had very different tastes).
One thing that is my guiding principle however in anything I am doing is "How can I protect my kids against the repercussions of the whole situation?" I mean, let's be honest, MLCW ripped them out of their home, out of their school (for S) out of the Kindergarten (for D) where all their friends were, away from the neighborhood that they knew where they could just go out the front door and play and tossed them into a 4 story apartment building where they have to go through a set of security doors and an elevator to even reach the ground. She ripped them away from their father (who was the one that got them ready nearly every day for school and Kindergarten and the one who was part of putting them to bed at night).... If there is anything that makes me angry, it is this.
What she did to me was despicable but, I am an adult and I will go on. What she has done to the kids is a crime and that will be the hardest thing to forgive and reconcile if it were to ever come to that.
I don't know if I have answered your questions or even the ones that you asked but that is my story to date.... The anniversary of BD1 has come and gone with no paperwork. Next hurdle will be ABD on 13 December. I will NOT file. If she wants a D, she will have to do it. I won't stand in her way but this is something that she will have to take full responsibility for.
My current Thread is Titled "Thread 6 - Moving on towards the future - whatever it holds"
UM
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Hi UM,
My BD day was 1 month after yours - she also moved out 1 month after your MLC'r. My wife got a extremely expensive condo/apt and moved very quickly - got off the family cell plan 2 months before moving out.
UM - It sounds like your doing your self good. I have been doing the same exact things you do.
Work-out 4/5 times a week. I have 50/50 also and I was able to buy her out of her equity in our home.
I had to cut the 401K I had been working on and was left with about 25% of what I had.
It absolutely kills me. When our kids are with me, my wife hardly text or calls them - her kids for God sake.
I couldn't go a day without contacting them or speaking to them - Sometimes, she will go 4/5 days without
talking to them (and she wonders why my son wants to spend more time at "Home." I will never call their mothers
apt "Home" for them. Home is where they were both brought to as babies, Home is where they woke up in cribs, had their first Halloween, BDays, etc.
Sorry UM, I almost went on another tangent about how strange my wife has become - to myself, and kids.
I'm sure she has told them some dramatic reason or explanation to why she don't call. It is BS -
I wish they were with me 100%. My kids also have to bounce between "home" and her - Apt. Why should they
have to move - it was my wife who wanted out? Not the kids.
UM - Are you Standing - but just working on yourself and taking care of everything you can?
Just curious, I got the impression that you still had feelings for her. I'm not sure how
bad she treated you, and I'm not sure all the blame she put on you, or if she said she never loved you, or how long you had to go through the mental abuse - but by BD in Dec and out in March, I'll bet it wasn't a smooth one.
You must be a very awesome individual to get back on your feet so quickly. I actually went through about 3 months of the most anxiety I ever had in my life. - because I never had anxiety before. I couldn't sleep for 2.5 months and that is pretty spot on. I would find myself pacing back and fourth - like a caged animal at times.
I would all of a sudden realize that I had just been starring into space - but didn't know how long I had been doing it. Absolutely the most worst time in my life. I remember clearly when my grandfather died - he was a very important person in my life. I loved him dearly. The pain from my grandfathers death couldn't compare to the pain I endured for nearly 9 months, I still hurt pretty bad but can mask it and keep myself busy.
You seem very calm. I don't have that yet...
Could you give me some more insight on your plans- would you like to reconcile? How does she treat you and the kids now - (and stuff like that)
Thank you UM
Speed
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Speed, my bd was 2 years ago and last week was the first time my xw had regual contact with our kids on my nights. I have them 60% of the time and most of the first 2 years they never heard from her. It really is all about them. You will be amazed at the selfishness you may see from her. Good luck, remember, its not about you. These are her issues and it may take some time for her to sort them out.
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Hi Speed,
I replied on your thread rather than continuing to hijack this one....
UM
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Sorry,
I didn't mean to hijack, I just forgot what thread I was on.
I apologize everyone
This thread is "Female Mlcer return stories"
Please keep posting links if you have them - or and knowledge you may have of female friends or acquaintances you know
that came back to a marriage after devastating the relationship and family.
Thanks,
Speed
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Check Navigator's thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8237.0 His wife returned.
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Sorry speed, I didn't see your question.
My H and I lived together for about a year/year and a half, then I moved out.