Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: MsT on February 05, 2015, 01:30:19 PM
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Hi. I'm new here and glad I found you, thanks for being here, and also very curious.
I just wondered how long it took you to realize what you were dealing with and how you reacted to their freaking out before you started to understand what was really happening and how helpless you actually were to stop it.
Thanks
previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=628.0
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Hi,
Took me 3 months to a year to realize what I was dealing with although some instinct told me this was not normal.
Letting go of control [that I never had!] took longer. 2 more years? Depends on my mood. ;D
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I realized MLC pretty much immediately.
The acknowledgement that I was powerless to do ANYTHING about it took a long time (too long). 2+ Years?
L
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Had no clue as to what was going on.
Even after a ton of study and reinforcement?
I still felt she had "just grown tired" of me......... Or. The love had died.
I'm over two years into this. After seeing them clueless and destructive for sooooo long?
I realize she can't find her a$$ with both hands and a flashlight............
Certainly not the person I married. Certainly not and adjusted adult............
I have only one explanation................. MLC
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My husband dropped the bomb in may 2013 . He wanted out, was not happy, sick of looking after everyone, needed to find where he belonged etc. Shocking to the core. However, he also agreed to see a counsellor (WTH? ). He was postively done with the marriage , yet he wanted to see a counsellor was wacked to me. The counsellor told me ( in a private session ) that he was having an "identity crisis " and I was in for a very rough ride. I remember thinking " what the hell is an identity crisis ? So google and I found our way here. He had started an affair in march 2013 .. so he was very cocky, arrogant and nasty.. as we all know. So.. I guess it was about 6 weeks from bomb drop to knowing what was happening . A bad 6 weeks .
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It took me about a month to realize this wasn't normal and to realize she's going through an MLC. I've spent the six months since then questioning and reaffirming that it really is an MLC. Today I'm pretty sure of it, tomorrow I may not be. Although I have my doubts today. But then again, what else could it be? Unless there was something I didn't notice. But I'm sure it's an identity crisis and she's 53 so that's the right age for an MLC. So yeah, I'm pretty sure it's an MLC. I think. Until I cycle tomorrow.
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I actually figured it out about a month before bomb drop. He was being very weird. However I did not figure out how to handle myself until 3 months after bomb drop. Then I found this site and started reading and it all made even more sense.
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I still do not know if it is MLC with my Husband.
He went strange about ten years ago and now I look back he was having an affair then although I never knew at the time and he did all the classic Monstering then so looking back I think he did have some type of MLC then.
I found out about this current OW in Oct 2012. They had known each other ten years and had been in an affair for six years. He told me he had finished with her but over the next few weeks I learnt that this was not true. He did finally finish with her and when he told me he wouldn't see her anymore he had tears in his eyes. Eight months later he left me whilst I was away for a weekend. He told me when I arrived home that he had packed all his things whilst I was away. He said he loved her and if she and I were in a burning building he would save her first. He then went on to say that he would then risk his life to go in next and try and save me. After a month he came home and he did finish with her. She was sending irate text messages calling him a bastard amongst other choice words.
We were getting on really well and he was very loving. Although our love life did not really take off again. We were though very happy together and it was totally out of the blue that I found out he had visited her a few times and he then in October 2014 left me and moved in with her. Within one week he had been to a Solicitor and was going to divorce me. I filed because it was important that if we did divorce that it was on the grounds of his adultery as he would then have to pay all my fees. Otherwise he was going to make up a load of lies to enable him to get a divorce on my unreasonable behaviour. These are the only two reasons you can obtain a divorce other than waiting two years. He has since admitted that the OW suggested him filing on my Unreasonable Behaviour. I had to drag that information out of him. Both times that he left me OW booked the Solicitors Appointment.
He visits every weekend for a couple of hours. Unlike when he left me last time when he used to ring me every day, this is the only contact I have with him. When I see him he is always really nice to me and has been very generous money wise and has been extremely generous with the settlement he has offered. Far more than any court would give me. None of these things seem to be MLC.
When he left me for OW he told me a few days before he left that he would be going at the weekend. He left Friday night. During those few days he kept saying "oh I do hope I am doing the right thing. He was saying that as he walked out the door to leave. He also had tears in his eyes a few times.
When he visits me he gives me a goodbye hug and is always helpful to me like taking me shopping.
He told me the reasons for leaving was that he didn't enjoy being intimate with me anymore and that he got bored at the weekends because we never do anything. Not that he ever suggested anything to do. Now these things are MLC behaviour.
Since he has been gone he has shown some doubts re OW. First he was going to get married to her after we had been divorced a year. Then it was 2-3 years and now he says he might not get married and just live with her. He has gone from wanting the 17% share of our house that we have agreed to ASAP and so needing me to sell our house. This was because once the divorce is over they are going to move from a 1 bed flat into a 3 bed house in the suburbs. Now I can decide when I sell the house and he will be happy for me to carry on living here and if I ever move to then give him his share. So in other words he will no longer be putting any of his money into the 3 bed house they plan on moving to. It will be financed solely by OW selling her Flat. This I see as him not wanting to be tied to her by jointly owning a property.
I asked him once what would he do if in a year or two he decided he had made a mistake and came to the decision that he would not be happy living with her long term. He said he would ask me to take him back. I said but we would be divorced and he said he would want us to get remarried. This I see as possible MLC.
The risks he is putting himself in financially by allowing me to have most of the house value also strikes me as MLC.
Sorry for rambling but I have wanted to put all this down for a long long time and am desperate for any opinions out there.
HMT
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Well everyone else on here so far figured out a lot sooner than I. My H's MLC was a gradual decent and I think he really worked at hiding it too.
I first noticed a problem in Summer 2013 but my BD wasn't until Dec. 2013. I thought he or we were just going through a rough phase. Each month after BD gradually got worse. I didn't pin it down as MLC until around April 2014. Soon after I found this website, thank goodness. I feel like I am just now really getting how to detach but H and I were very co-dependent before this.
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My husband started acting very uncharacteristically about six months before BD. I knew something was wrong but had no idea what. Midlife crisis didn't really even cross my mind since it wasn't in my scope of reference. I went to see a counselor who recommended a book geared at saving my marriage. There was one chapter in there on MLC. As I was reading it, I cried the whole way through the chapter as I realized it was describing my husband to a T. After that, I began researching.
That was in early 2009. He is still in crisis.
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Howmanytimes,
What you are living through is absolute bull$hit. Your husband has problems from his past that are eating him alive.
His problem? Is that he is been coddled too much. He has been allowed to believe that his "feelings" and his "insecurities" are powerful enough to destroy his obligation to be a man........
In his defense. It is a complicated life for men these days. He is genuinely confused.
Bottom line............... If he is ever going to be a man?
It's up to him to figure it out.
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My BD was December 2012 - I found this site in February/March 2013 after searching high and low to figure out what the he$& was happening.
It took another 6 - 8 months to realize that I couldn't fix this and to start trusting the process. The letting go took a lot longer.
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BD was 10/13 and I happened to google the ever famous ILYBINILWY line and that's how I found out about MLC, although I was still not sure if that was it until I found this forum and all of you had the same story I had. Mine also has ADD and takes Adderall so for the year before BD, I thought he had something going on with that not working right, as the comedown from that can cause anger. Now, I am pretty sure those episodes were MLC monster, as they never really made sense. Like he would be ok with something and then a month later would go off about that something and it was stupid what he'd come up with about it. Nothing ever made sense the last year he was here.
My exH left 10 years ago, saying the same thing and I did not know HE was in MLC until I figured it out with this one. He's STILL in MLC. I sure wish I had known about this way back when he left, but that was still the days of dialup and we never really had the internet all the time so never dreamed it would actually BE something. I just thought he wanted out. I will say though, I don't think I would've done anything any different than what I did, but knowing with him maybe would've helped me see the signals I was getting with this one. Who knows I guess.
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At first, i thought it was a straight out A. And H was scrambling to get back together. Then about 2 months of IC later, BD happened then talk about yoga retreats and playing musical instruments etc surfaced with lots of memory lapses. Yoga!!! And colonic irrigation???? Really? That's when MLC script flowed ...ever forward like lava...destroying everything in its path... :P
That's when I began to think it was MLC. I think he was trying to transition but OW outing him and the discovery of his STD tipped him into crisis.
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Hi Ruggedendurance
Thank you so much for answering my post.
H is certainly screwed up that's for sure.
His FOO issues were that he was indulged as the baby of a well to do Family who had communication problems in that they never made small talk. This has meant he finds it difficult to talk about any problems he has. My Late Mother once said to me that he is very deep. I think he has a great sense of entitlement.
His Mother loved him and thought I wasn't good enough for him but she was cold in a way. She told him when he was 7 years old that he was too big now to be given a goodnight kiss.
His Father IMO held his Mother in contempt and there didn't seem to be much love on his part. Although I think she loved him. The Father was highly intelligent and his Mother was just average and sometimes came across as a bit scatty. She was one of those old fashioned types who believed women should obey their Husbands but then she was born in 1914.
In some ways I wonder if he has a Madonna ow complex. The Wife is the care giver who runs the home and he seeks out OW to have fun with. Oh heck I have been married to him for 33 years and been in a relationship for 36 years and I still do not know or understand him.
The thing is am I dealing with MLC in your opinion because some days I think I am and then the next day I start wondering again.
Thanks again for your help
HMT
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I didn’t know until it was too late and we were heading to divorce, that’s when I found this site.
Previously xW had dropped plenty of bombs, had the PA and was constantly trying to find herself, we all thought she was just ignorant, argumentative, and a spoilt brat who need to grow up. Didn’t think of MLC.
Even if I had know it was MLC in the first place I don’t think my outcome would have been much different. All I had done in working on myself was delay her on her journey. They do what they wanna do when they want out, no matter what.
Lanzo
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Took me about 3 months to put the pieces together. I looked at all the more "medical" explinations first... Bi polar, ptsd (she said she was numb)... Like many others i googled "ilybnilwy" and couldn't believe all the suggestions of an affair. My w had been loyal and honest to a fault prior to bd. 7 months in and it's still hard to believe sometimes. I need to do a better job of limited contact but circumstances make that difficult. Now her favorite line is "I want happiness" but she's still looking for it outside of herself. She tells me this is about her not me but I still seem to be blame somehow. She won't initiate a divorce or but avoids me like the plague. I'm detached but still working on truly letting go. Everytime I get close she comes around just enough to rope me back in. I'm learning though and I believe I'm close to letting go 100%.
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I got it pretty quickly. Actually at BD H said at one point, "Maybe this is my midlife crisis" but later would vigorously deny anything like that. I noticed him being very irritable and depressed a few months before(got monster but didn't know it) but he has always had issues with FOO, alcohol, and undiagnosed depression; I just thought he was having a lot of stress. I googled ILYBINILWY and MLC support groups in my area(none, surprise surprise) and found this site within a week or so. Thank God, as I thought I would have a breakdown with the stress of appearing normal in front of everyone.
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When bd happened I was floored! What? You are unhappy and want a what?
He changed so quickly I couldn't keep up, thought he lost his mind and so did everyone else.
My sister said...maybe he's having a midlife crisis (laughing of course) but when I googled it, it all made sense. This was maybe after 2 months.
I'm not sure when I started to accept it and detach. Maybe after about a year or so. For sure after 2 years.
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A month into bomb drop I came across an article that described pretty much what happened to us
http://m.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/14-signs-that-show-if-a-midlife-crisis-is-destroying-your-marriage-145552.html
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When bd happened I was floored! What? You are unhappy and want a what?
He changed so quickly I couldn't keep up, thought he lost his mind and so did everyone else.
My sister said...maybe he's having a midlife crisis (laughing of course) but when I googled it, it all made sense. This was maybe after 2 months.
Thunder, me too as I'm sure most of us were. But that morning he was grabbing and kissing me in the kitchen, telling me I was beautiful and voluptuous. Then came home that evening to BD!
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DJ-
So much of what you say is exactly how I feel or where we (H and I) are at.
Now her favorite line is "I want happiness" but she's still looking for it outside of herself. She tells me this is abou
This is my H's line and he too is looking everywhere but within himself. He just doesn't get it yet. My MLCer is still at home and same bed but he has no contact with me outside of schedule and kid discussions. He too avoids me like the plague. Literally he mkes me fill like I have a plague. It used to really bother me but now I am understand so much more that he is really the one with a plague - the plague of MLC and it is horrible.
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Grace that was the same article I read that really convinced me this is likely mlc. I would love to send it to her but what's the point. We are supposed to have a counseling session together in 2 weeks... Can't decide if I should bring up mlc?? Who knows if she will really schedule it... If she does I'll go, if not I'm not gonna press her to do it.
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Grace- yes, that hit's the nail on the head. This is the one that made my light bulb go on http://nashlinks.com/midlife.htm
DJ- I don't know about trying to bring it up in MC, everything I read says don't because he will see it as more insidious evil from his devil woman trying to trivialize his emotional storm after already totally ruining his life. It's hard for me, though, since I'm pretty sure at this point I'm the only person who has any idea what's happening, although his MD and Dad are aware that he's having a major depressive episode. I still very much want to help him, even though he's being a total f-word-er.
Thunder- It was also a bolt from the blue for me. One day we're solid to the core and the next day "this has been a long time coming- I've never really wanted to be in this relationship"
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Yeah I got a phone call "I don't love you, I never did, I want a divorce." Wtf?!? 18 years, 2 great kids... She's off looking for "hapoiness". I hate that word now. She has since admitted tearfully that she did in fact love me... Just doesn't anymore. Just venting... Sorry
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Yes, I sent him a text one day shortly after all the really bad fighting saying that I was sorry for fighting, but was really thrown off by how restless and unhappy he seemed the last few weeks. His reply- "I've been restless and unhappy for years." Bullsht. Restless men don't try so hard to get me pregnant for 2 years. Restless men don't sign 30 year mortgage contracts. I am a reasonable and logical person and I can make reasonable and logical arguments for days. Not that it means anything to this lunatic who replaced the love of my life.
Also venting, sorry :)
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My xH had always had cyclical mood swings which hit about every 3 months or so and lasted anywhere from 3 days to a week. However at bomb drop he was really really nutty. I first read about MLC about three weeks in, when it was beginning to dawn on me that the craziness was not going away this time. I thought wow! he is really gone off the deep end this time. It took me more than a year though to understand that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him.
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I believe my h been going through a MLC for 7 years.Seven years ago I thought he was just having an affair. Looking back all the signs of MLC was there but he was only 35 I thought he was too young. I thought everything was fine between us 5 years later then I found out he had another affair with the first ow sister. Then for a year he was angry , being distant, tell me he was miserable because of our relationship and it was toxic , that he wasn't in love with me.blah blah. No matter how hard I tried I could please him.He keep saying that he couldn't trust me when he saw anything good I was doing.He became cold and mean at times.Staying out all night, lying a lot and started to drink.Then the beginning of last year he told me that God had been dealing with him and he loved me was going to make things right .He was to work hard to earn back my trust and make me feel safe again. I was so happy. Unfortunately
that never happened. I thought things were ok for a few months then around the middle of I started to see signs that things where not ok and that he was still having an affair. Which I never thought they ended.By then end of year he doing all things he did the previous year.On December 10th he moved out for the second time. That when I started to look for answers.My pastor said he thought he was in a MLC. So I didn't some research and confirmed that he is in MLC. I know this might sound weird but after not knowing all this time it was a relief to know what I am dealing with.It been a long painful journey and only God know how much longer we have to go.When this first started I was a total mess but l have grown so much since then.I am still learning.I not where I want to be but thank God I am not where I used to be.I tried for two years to do everything in my power to change things and failed miserably. God kept telling me then was nothing I could do to fix it and I had to let go and trust him.After all the research I did told me the same thing being totally worn out I finally accepted that I can do nothing to fix this.Letting go is the best thing I can do for both of us.I am accepting this is my life for now .
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Dj,
Please don't bring up MLC, it will most likely back fire on you and puts them on the defensive.
There's nothing wrong with them, ya know? ::)
cosette,
Isn't that a strange feeling when they treat you like their skin will burn if they touch you? Just bizarre.I know this isn't nice but after awhile I would touch him just to see him jump. Or get too close and see him panic. LOL
It only lasted a few months but looking back I think he was so certain of his choice to D me that he was afraid I could change his mind by touching me. He was probably scared to death.
MsT,
Christmas my H bought me a beautiful bathrobe. Saying he knows how cold I get and thought this would make me feel better...along with a beautiful card..Love always, H
January 2nd...I week later...he wasn't happy in our marriage, hadn't been for awhile and wanted out...with the coldest eyes I have ever seen.
Like he flipped a switch.
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Thunder, good advice, I'm not gonna bring it up. I know Tim the past people here have posted when then get some insight into what/how the MLCer is thinking. Here is a recent comment from my w:
"I am not the person I was when I was with you. That person was miserable. I Want happiness and I am happy now."
So what's my takeaway from this?? Well her actions and words don't match. She comes across as a miserable and angry person to anyone that knew the old w. Her mask is working for the new friends in her life... She is a different person. I say I don't know her anymore but that's not true. I met the person she is now 19 years ago. I realize I just interrupted her process of bottoming at a younger age and the lessons she would have learned and applied to adult life. She needs to get thru this process as she lacks the ability to learn from others... She must go through it herself. She relied completely on me for all of these things and that's why she felt so controlled. They may have been generally the "right or best" decisions but they were not her decisions. What she fails to realize now is that she wasn't making any decisions or setting any boundaries. She left that to me as SOMEONE has to do those things in a relationship. She resents me for her co dependency.
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Thunder- yes, it was like a switch flipped. I usually try to keep our relationship between us but I was so bewildered by how nuts he was acting that I called my sister. Her first reaction was that it was just a normal relationship bump-in-road and that we would work it out as always. I told her I wasn't so sure, this felt different and I was afraid he was losing his damn mind. A week later I updated her on what it had been like at home and she got quiet for a while then said "he's lost his damn mind."
DJ- mine doesn't look happy or say he's happy, but I don't haven't seen him interacting with his kiddie friends. I only know that when he comes here, he looks miserable and stares off in space a lot. I very badly want to tell him he's in midlife crisis and what he is feeling and doing is all very typical for the situation as a way to comfort him, but he isn't trying to hear anything I'm saying, so I've quit saying stuff.
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MsT, that's the best decision you could make. They don't believe it anyway.
Now I just agree with him on silly things I know are not true or real. Ah ha...I see.
The only thing I do allow myself is an occasional truth dart. Sometimes they get mad or act like they didn't hear it but they do.
I know because every once on awhile he will come back with something I said months ago.
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what do you mean "truth dart"?
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what do you mean "truth dart"?
Read this thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1435.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1435.msg246751#msg246751
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MsT,
It sounds like you are learning. They won't revive the help you try to give they twisted it and use it against with you. They won't acknowledge they have a problem their miserly is caused by you in their twisted up mind.Nothing you say or do can untwist it.I hate being th he villain in my h make a believe world.I have tried so hard to change that image on his mind and nothing has worked. So I have stopped trying to preserve my sanity.It is so hard to do nothing while they self destruct.I am a helper by nature realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him was the hardest thing I ever had to accept.I still struggle it.The more I let go and trust God with all of this the easier it becomes. I threw some truth darts at him the other day it mess up his little world.Then he twisted it and told me I was the one rewriting history to make myself look good and making him to be the villain. There is no winning with him.I will not give into his lies.
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Yip - they lie,lie,lie! Truth darted mine regarding this - oh did monster become unleashed lol
I told mine that I was worried about him and that he looked tired. He turned around and said "I am happy"............... Didn't ask if he was happy or not! Bl@@dly lier!!!
I knew within the first week after BD that xp was having a mlc. I had a couple of friends say to me "oh he is having a mid life crisis". My mil went to the dr the next week and even he said "he is having a mlc - I want to see him, I can help" dr been asking for the last 9 months to see him and of course he won't go.
I am lucky that in the country I live in the medical profession acknowledge that mlc is really something some people go through. I know from this site that isn't always the case.
Kia Kaha - stay strong
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Thank you for the links. I keep thinking of things like that I really want to say to him someday when he's back on this planet.
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The monster hates the truth darts because his world is based on lies. The truth is the only thing that will destroy that world and set our h free.They have to find their way back to the truth on their own.We can throw the darts and pray it penetrates deep enough for them to get.
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One truth dart was, we were watching a wedding on some movie and the bride said to love honor and obey. My H looked at me very seriously and said...see, that was the problem. You didn't say obey.
I looked at him and said...yes, but you said for better or for worse tile death do us part and when the worse happened you bailed.
He had nothing to say. ;D
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I'm tempted to give him a truth dart about how he's going to feel when I move along with my life and he is drinking alone in a basement while another man watches watches his daughters open their Christmas presents. Not going to, though.
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Howmanytimes,
What you are living through is absolute bull$hit. Your husband has problems from his past that are eating him alive.
His problem? Is that he is been coddled too much. He has been allowed to believe that his "feelings" and his "insecurities" are powerful enough to destroy his obligation to be a man........
In his defense. It is a complicated life for men these days. He is genuinely confused.
Bottom line............... If he is ever going to be a man?
It's up to him to figure it out.
Howmanytimes
I agree with quote.Your h probably is in a MLC. He is definitely confused and afraid of making the wrong choice.It seems like to me he is keeping you on rope so if things don't work out with the ow he can pull you back in.Even after he divorces you.You need to decide what is best for you.So sorry you have been going through this for so long. I think his reasons for not wanting to be with you is ridiculous you don't end a marriage for those reasons.That's my two cents.
Hugs
Hopeful2
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Hi hopeful2
You hit the nail on the head. I think he is also keeping me on a rope to wheel me back in if it doesn't work out with OW. I'm his plan B.
He is very very confused. He has told me more than once that he wishes he had never met her because then he could be happy. It's like he wants both of us in his life and if he lives with me I will not allow that. She has told him that he can carry on seeing me. I think that was part of the deal for him moving in with her. He has said he cannot bear the idea of never seeing me again. The thing is when he left me in 2013 for a month she gave him grief if he ever visited to do things like mow the lawn or to see his cats. By all accounts she told him she was more important than his favourite cat that he wanted to visit as she was only a cat and her feelings were not as important as hers. He did not like that one bit and said when she said that he thought she is selfish. Now she has got him believing that he can visit me and the cats for evermore. The day will come when she will start putting pressure on him to stop and he will not like that. I asked him what would happen if she did that and he said he would still visit.
All I can hope is she shows her true ways eventually.
Take care
HMT
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He is very very confused. He has told me more than once that he wishes he had never met her because then he could be happy.
HMT
I know on my part that I've said plenty of "no, I'm in a relationship" and "no, you're in a relationship" in my life. I know what commitment means to me, though, and loyalty. You make a choice and you make peace with it, that's how I look at it. All of this is so absurdly crazy. I guess it's still to early for me to tell what kind of MLC mine is, but he showed up a few times last week, slept, ate, left laundry in the washer for me, and walked around the house being restless and unproductive. He also brought cupcakes he had made, and I happen to know the day before was the trollops b-day, so I fed them all to the dog. Every last one.
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Hi MsT
I'm glad you fed the cupcakes to the dog. Do you think they were left over from OW birthday? If so what makes him think you would want them. They are all crackers!
He is very very confused. He has told me more than once that he wishes he had never met her because then he could be happy.
HMT
I know on my part that I've said plenty of "no, I'm in a relationship" and "no, you're in a relationship" in my life. I know what commitment means to me, though, and loyalty. You make a choice and you make peace with it, that's how I look at it. All of this is so absurdly crazy.
I sometimes think my H has a great sense of entitlement and doesn't have the same values as me. I too would know that what you do is tell someone that I was in a relationship.
He has admitted to me that if I had never discovered his affair he would never have left me but would have carried on seeing OW. Of course she engineered me finding out.
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Hi MsT
I'm glad you fed the cupcakes to the dog. Do you think they were left over from OW birthday? If so what makes him think you would want them. They are all crackers!
I'm sure they were, I just know. The funny thing is that there's an episode of Gilmore Girls (a favorite show of his) where one of the male characters is upset because he comes back from his girlfriend's house and realizes he's wearing another man's socks. We've joked about that over the years "not my socks." And that's all I could think about when I was feeding my dog way too many cupcakes, is "not my socks, you SOB"
I sometimes think my H has a great sense of entitlement and doesn't have the same values as me. I too would know that what you do is tell someone that I was in a relationship.
He has admitted to me that if I had never discovered his affair he would never have left me but would have carried on seeing OW. Of course she engineered me finding out.
The thing about mine is that he does used to have the same values, especially re adultery. His grandma had a love child and his Aunt is a cheater and he's always spoken out against them with disgust and contempt.
How did the OW engineer you finding out? I keep wondering how much of a sociopath you have to be to go after a taken man.
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Hi MsT
Hi MsT
I sometimes think my H has a great sense of entitlement and doesn't have the same values as me. I too would know that what you do is tell someone that I was in a relationship.
He has admitted to me that if I had never discovered his affair he would never have left me but would have carried on seeing OW. Of course she engineered me finding out.
The thing about mine is that he does used to have the same values, especially re adultery. His grandma had a love child and his Aunt is a cheater and he's always spoken out against them with disgust and contempt.
How did the OW engineer you finding out? I keep wondering how much of a sociopath you have to be to go after a taken man.
That's why I wonder if it is MLC with mine because he has been a serial cheat. With a lot of the cases on here their spouse has totally changed their values.
His OW was away on holiday with him and I thought he was on holiday with his dive club. She used his Smartphone and his email account to send a nonsense email to friends saying she was having a nice holiday in the place he was so I knew the fact that she gave her email address as a combination of both their names gave it away.
I know what you mean about them being sociopaths. I think they are narcissists. They have no empathy for others and only care about themselves. Surely eventually that part of their nature will come out and our spouses will cotton on that they are with nasty and selfish individuals.
Take care
HMT
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That's why I wonder if it is MLC with mine because he has been a serial cheat. With a lot of the cases on here their spouse has totally changed their values.
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I keep going through mood swings where I have doubts about MLC, too. Like what if I actually did drive him to this by being (I don't, wrong for him, or something). He works out of town and has for several years, while I've stayed home and tried to keep our home and family life together. It's taken a huge toll on both of us. He was supposed to quit after 3 years, but the money was too good, then he was supposed to quit after 5 years, which is coming up this Spring, but the money is even better now. One of the biggest differences in the ways we were raised is how much emphasis was placed on money and possessions and financial success. I can and have lived much more happily off of much less, but he has it drilled in his brain that financial success is top priority, and right now he seems to think that as long as he keeps paying the bills and throwing money at the kids, he's fulfilling his obligations as a father.
They are just kids, they're not going to remember who payed for their guitar lessons or birthday parties, they're going to remember who listened to them practice the same 8 measures of a song 3 hours a day for a week straight or who made the cake and lit the candles and was actually there.
Sorry that turned into venting. I'm working through some anger and disappointment.
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I think the ex's may have begun about 14 years ago after his father died. The family attutude about dying was pretty much "Oh well they died continue on" No time to grieve the loss. Take it stride and move on.
After that they were part of a class action lawsuit which provided a whole lot of money. In which the ex decided he was entitled to buy about anything he wanted.
At that time he had a really good job position two beautiful daughters and me. But that wasn't enough for him. He was in no way at all content.
He had always been pretty selfish materially. Something I learned early in life is far from what's important.
The relationship in hindsight has always been all about him.
After the divorce:
The exow taught him the lesson that everyone isn't as honest as I am. All she was after was money.
When I returned and his attempt to be a rock star failed and faded..it didn't leave much for him to focus on...so again I must be the problem.
It took me quite a while to realize he had no intention of working on the relationship. I was always the one with the problem. I was supposed to treat the divorce and his involvemant with exow as a "bump in the road" live in his fantasy land and deny the pain it caused me. Another year and 8 months wasted of my life.
After the domestic violence incident ...there is no going back for me this time.
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In it- I've always been the kind of person that takes what she has and rearranges it so it's comfortable, and I don't care about brands or labels or being the second owner. Same as you, I learned it early in life.
I'm sorry you had to deal with a domestic violence incident. I always thought I would draw the line at infidelity but I guess my new line would be domestic violence :-\
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Thanks MsT
His anger pretty much always got the better of him- lost his job due to it and there were other times I should have just left..I had been physically abused on and on throughout the relationship.
My biggest denial the day it happened was I had no idea I could not trust him to allow me to leave without him getting violent. I should have taken someone with me that day...I thought I was givng him what he wanted. He should have had no problem with it.
If I had been him? I would have had all of his things out on the lawn doing a happy dance. As it stands he still has all of my things.
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In it: (hug) here's to getting new things in your better life
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LOL! Yeah..there are quite a few things there are that money can't buy. He wanted to play games and give things back to me as HE wanted to. I slammed the door on that big time. I'm not screwing around with someone as violent as he is.
He can shove them up his big fat hairy ass. ;D ;D ;D
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He can shove them up his big fat hairy ass. ;D ;D ;D
Whoa, init, I love it when you get all angry... ;D ;D
OK, I admitted to shaving his back, but I stopped at the waist. I forgot about the hairy ass, thanks for reminding me, helps with the detachment. :P
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;D ;D ;D ;D Yep I shaved the idiots back also. He was WAY TOO MUCH for me to maintain.
Besides whatever "history" there's been there was very little physically to attract me to him.
I have nothing againest hairy men..I actually like that..I just can't deal with a 350 pound baby.
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One of the joys I have (beside never having to see the mil again) is that he now has no one to shave his back. He told me "we aren't there yet" when I asked if the girl did it. How the hell do you hide a gorilla back from someone you have been living with for almost two years?? ???
Yep, mine is in the fat old and hairy club.
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Ha! I hadn't even thought about who's going to shave his back now! He's so self conscious of his bear body :)
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I think the exow did it for him to start with..I didn't. He threatened to find someone else to do it when it ended with her. So that's why I did it.
Uhmmm now I could give a $h!te less who he finds to do it!
Yep and no exmil to deal with either... all she is and was is a massive enabler.
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mine is NC with his mom for the last 2 years. It has been so nice! I'm terrified that he's going to go back to her and she will validate all the horrible things he thinks about me, though :-\
Work it out eventually or no, I'm looking forward to never dealing with that wack job of a woman again, because I intend to come through this with enough of my self confidence back that I will never. ever. again. tolerate the manipulative and insidious and toxic crap she heaped on me.
B!tch.
That felt good ;D
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Good ..you will reach a point where you don't give a $h!te what any of them think of you. You stay true to you and you will be just fine. :)
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What are some of the signs that made you sure your spouse is in MLC?
I experienced the following....
1) Anger phase: constant spewing, avoiding eye contact, hatred towards me
2) Sudden change in the way H dressed & foods he hated now he likes and foods he liked he now hates.
3) New group of friends, Apartment in new city, New church. Losing all attachments to pre-BD life.
4) Sudden desire to exercise and get into shape, running marathons
5) H convinced he is going to die soon, needs to escape.
6) H re-connecting with friends from 20 years ago.
6) "It's my time now"
7) New sports car
8) "I don't have any feelings towards you." Being completely numb and having no empathy.
9) Treating the spouse like a mother.
10) Hiding cell phones, changing passwords.
I'm just surprised how many others have mentioned the same behavior patterns.
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The thing that made me sure was his rejection of his parenting role. He had always been such an active dad. Other than that:
1. Anger phase - you've never done anything to make me happy. Which came not long after him telling me how much I meant to him and how he'd never want to lose me.
2. Exercising all the time, lost lots of weight
3. Partying constantly. Drinking way more than he ever had.
4. Change in style of dress
5. New friends
6. Eyes that looked lifeless.
7. New 2 door sports car
I'm sure a million more if I think about it some more.
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For me it was
Criticising me and making no effort in relationship (leading up to BD)
Walking away from marriage and 6 yr old daughter
Spending money like water without a care in the world
Drinking and partying heavily
Exercising and dieting, now in better shape than ever before, also runs marathons
New clothes
New friends
Lying
No period of grief for marriage breakdown
No empathy
I think most MLCers described could almost be the same person rolled into one ::)
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For me the clincher was when she walked away from GD14. The two of them were inseparable. It practically destroyed GD14. I wouldn't have believed anything could separate those two.
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OM,
I also inquired about this question many, many times. But here's what I observed in my H if it helps.
No empathy
New clothes
New luxury car
Lying/Deceit/Secretive
Ambivalence/Confusion
Avoiding eye contact at times
Conflict avoider
OW
Addiction/Depression
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Ocean, it's all so black and white, isn't it? Like they follow a script.
They just completely turn into someone else.
They do and say things we never imagined possible.
To me the one thing that seems to happen to all of them is they have this fierce need to "get in shape."
Like they NEED to find someone so badly they try to look the best they can to attract them.
Then it's new, younger clothes to go with the new body.
I don't know one of them who didn't do that. Male or female.
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Overall just becoming a completely different person almost overnight...
A few key signs:
* Started staying away from home at days at a time saying she was "helping" friends
* Lying/being secretive
* Spending ridiculous amounts of money
* Started exercising but not really mostly just wearing exercise clothes and posting on FB about exercising but never did.
* Change in eating, over the top dieting.
* Completely disconnected from friends, family, and me of course.
* Avoided eye contact / Eyes look so empty
* Constantly talks about being old
* Never monstered but would say stuff like "You deserve better"
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Ocean, I like your organized way of trying to understand. It helps a lot, I think.
This is what I have experienced:
Pre Bomb Drop (three years)
- Secret friendship with OW in another city.
- Periods of small outbursts and hostility I noticed as "out of character." Included driving fast when angry, making passive aggressive comments in public (twice), saying "f--- you" during an argument, and ripping off (own) clothing item during argument. Always apologized for these afterwards or initiated makeup.
- Intense period of fitness. Began to work out regularly and go for long runs. Lost a lot of weight.
- Watched a lot of Louis CK (who complains a lot about marriage), sudden obsession with boxing, watched a lot of documentaries about music and bands.
- Three years of intense work/work travel/job stress/success.
- Severe digestion problems.
Post Bomb Drop (eight months)
- "Devalue and Discard" phase. Immediately went from loving and affectionate to hostile and cruel.
- Refusal to take responsibility for own behavior, either contribution to marriage issues or behavior post bomb drop.
- Blame, anger, and projection toward me.
- General NPD traits.
- Multiple personality traits, including speaking in accent regional to his youth, different body language, sometimes talking like a little boy, other times yelling at me like a teenager. Sometimes slurs when angry.
- Lack of moral behavior. Lying to me, lying to son, gross behavior related to OW.
- Reconnection to old friends and family, especially to people he felt sorry for in the past.
- Odd choice of OW.
- "Shape shifting." His face and body often look different. Sometimes he looks like an old man, other times pudgy and burnt out.
- "Lifeless" eyes. Look like black dots on face.
- "Lifeless" skin contact. Feels cool and dead to the touch.
- Inconsistent behavior and statements. For example, after moving out, would suggest home improvement projects, will sometimes say "if we get divorced" and "when we get divorced" in the same conversation.
- Divorce and custody threats when angry.
- New hobbies. These include guitar, Bernie Sanders, and now drumming.
- New eating/drinking habits. Pre BD could not tolerate wine or coffee but drinks then regularly now.
- Change in dress and hair style. Possibly reflecting OW involvement/influence.
- Circular conversations and reasoning.
- Fantasy thinking. Thought we could be friends immediately after he left and even though he is treating me badly.
- Ability to project a mask to others but not to me.
- Lessened interest in son and dog. The few times he has seemed like his "old self" he immediately appeared to be trying to "reconnect" to the dog.
- Little interest in former friends; occasionally will make an effort but more to "show" he is fine, then immediately loses interest.
- Complete 180 on money/finances. Spends more money, less financially responsible.
- Connection to teen years and early twenties seems stronger than connection to his thirties. Reminds me of dementia.
- "Fight or flight" behavior, including hanging up on me, running away from me, acting panicked, threatening to call the cops.
- Mild paranoia.
- Ranting. By phone or text message; occasionally in person.
- Withdrawn/depressed behavior especially about five months post bomb drop.
- Memory gaps.
- Rewrites history, both of marriage and now even bomb drop and post bomb drop.
Ocean, I'm not sure if you have seen it but this is an excellent list of MLC behaviors and traits. Highly recommended to read:
http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html?m=1
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That's interesting Velika, my H now suffers from severe stomach upsets and frequent eye infections - not sure if there's a connection but he was a lot healthier Pre BD even though he is a lot fitter now.
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Cat, I started this thread if you are interested. Since there is an increasing understanding of gut/brain connection I think this is relevant:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7306.0
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Thanks Velika, I will read with interest! :)
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The stand-out things that made me know it's MLC.
1. He told me, once, "don't you understand, this is all about my dad?" (His dad died when he was 13).
2. Conversations with him after he moved out where he behaved like a petulant child and said, "you promised!" like a whiny teenager.
3. His now-infamous statement when he was attempting to justify his affair: "You should sleep with other men, as long as their Pen!$ is smaller than mine". :o
I learned to step back and look at his behavior from a big picture perspective. MLC is the only thing that fits.
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In my case, his sister told me he was having a crisis.
Clues for me:
1. Quite quickly he became the opposite of the man I knew-tightwad to spendthrift, honest to liar, workaholic to being fired, good memory to bad memory, nerdy to "cool", poking fun at facebook to spending hours a day on his page.
2. Suddenly his friends were all early 20's
3. Reconnected with friends from grammer school.
4. Women from overseas that he had never met messaging him with odd stories about his life.
5. Suddenly he began posting stories from my father's life as his own.
6. Constantly had a confused look on his face.
7. Raging anger that lasted for a few minutes in the beginning. The Christmas before he raged that I was trying to kill him because at a stop light I applied some chapstick.
8. "I haven't changed. I am just no longer taking $h!t from anyone."
9. Began spending lots of time with his crazy mother, worrying that she would die.
10. Watching cartoons and episodes of old shows like the 1960's Batman on television. No longer interested in documentaries, history, sports, etc.
11.---The BIGGIE---suddenly this man knew all about Hello Kitty---its the OW's icon and she carries a backpack with Hello Kitty figures on it. Where is that icon of the little green guy throwing up?
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OceanMist, we already have a thread on the matter, so I have merged yours into it.
After I come back home, my friend who is a psychiatrist told me Mr J was having a MLC. Before that, I knew something very wrong was going, but not really what it was.
Mr J did pretty much what all MLCer do.
- Become the opposite of what we has
- Blame me for everything under the sun
- Become erratic and having rapid mood swings
- Lots of anger. Short snaps, first, then long periods of anger
- Bought lost of new clothes
- Very worried with his appearance
- Start djing and clubbing.
- Start drinking
- Hanging around with people he would not spend 1 second before crisis.
He also had an affair, that he denied for months before he leave, and for some 10 days after he left. Then, OW1 was made known to be by an anonymous phone call, and he could no longer deny it.
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I just read the earlier posts and was reminded of some other notable changes that others have also pointed out:
- No apparent sense of shame.
- More verbose writing style. (Often sounds like a college freshman having a "deep talk.")
- Lack of sense of irony.
- Changed sense of humor. Sends son slapstick YouTube videos. Never laughs around me.
- Repetitive communication, especially certain keywords like "denial." Repeatedly hones in on same points, even if apparently resolved months ago.
- Often seems to lack awareness of our son's true age. Often treats him as older.
- Sometimes appears to be unable to differentiate between son and self at son's age.
- More concern over perceptions than reality. (E.g. wants to appear moral without being moral.)
- Negative memories of formerly described happy events.
- Often seems to avoid spending time alone with son.
- Takes Viagra. (Didn't before.) Not sure whether due to desire to be perceived as sexy or hormonal imbalance/sexual disfunction with OW.
- ntense need for my approval and "acceptance" (another buzz word)."
I find the overlap on many of these comments fascinating. I would love to see this more widely acknowledged and researched, both to help prevent/cure and also to offer legal protection for LBS.
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Hi Everyone,
I don't know if I really understand what is actually classified as a MLC.
I have read a lot of post and treads where someone will write
"I don't think this is MLC."
Please help me clarify what classifies a person as having a MLC.
Thanks,
Speed
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SR.
I'm so glad you posed this question. ;)
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RCR's description is here: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc.html
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Speed Racer, look at the neurology discussion thread. There are some people on this forum who have taken a lot of time to look at this from a neurological standpoint.
Specifically, what might happen to the brain to cause someone to suddenly a) not have good memories of the recent past; b) lose ability to feel empathy/have appropriate conscience about behavior; c) lose ability to judge cause and effect; d) (related to c) not understand difference between fantasy and reality.
I posted to my thread two TedEd talks about what happens to the brain during depression and stress. If you take that combines with what happens to brain during an affair you can see what might take place that results in the behaviors described so consistently and specifically on this forum.
I would say that if the descriptions you read in the articles and other MLC resources start to become "predictions," you are likely dealing with what we are all calling "MLC." However, many of these behaviors also match NPD, BPD, bipolar, schizophrenia, frontotemporal lobe disorders, PTSD, drug reactions, and more.
To me this is the most succinct description of MLC I have read anywhere:
http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com/2013/07/signs-of-depression-in-mlc.html?m=1
This article is written about men but you may relate as well:
http://www.menshealthscreening.co.uk/archives/207
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I would stay away from the neurological thread or any other thread like that for now and stick to the basics. Those are filled with other people's opinions and really won't help you progress.
MLC is LIKE a mental illness that can last 3 - 7 years and has nothing to do with the LBS. It's best to keep your focus on yourself and your children to make self improvements and do things you always wanted to do just never got around to.
Self Focus is key to leave them on their journey. :)
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Elegance:
But what is it - MLC? What constitutes someone having one?
People say it isn't about the LBS,
But it has to be - No one else is subjected to the harsh criticisms and self confidence bashing.
I do focus on myself and children, but somehow everything is tainted - even our friends and family feel this way.
What is this journey? What about this puts the LBS as an enemy that they have to get rid of?
Why don't they realize the spouse is the person that would help them in any way - as they did previously throughout
the marriage?
I read R2T link to RCR's description, and my wife fits everyone but 1 (that I know of) key components.
Does this mean she probably is in a MLC?
One of the components is abandonment. I'm the only person she has abandoned.
We have 50/50 custody. So she really hasn't abandoned anyone but me...
What the abandonment mean in the "Key components?
I'd don't know if my wife is a MLC'r / depress confused / or if she has just met someone and succumbed to "whatever."
I don't know, I just love my wife so much and still can't imagine life without her. -
Thanks again,
Speed
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Hi Speed,
Something happened in your W childhood and because it was never addressed correctly her mind regressed to the age it happened so she can finally heal.
It really has nothing to do with you.
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Speed Racer, I have asked myself this many times. What do single people do when they have a midlife crisis?
A neighbor told me that a close girlfriend of here, who is single, is acting exactly like my husband -- but to her close girlfriends. She lashed out, alienated herself, acted so poorly even her own mom changed the locks.
My neighbor said, like me, she initially treated as an authentic problem and tried to tackle as such. She slowly realized her friend was irrational and she could not get through to her.
I too find it uncanny how the person fixates in the spouse as the source of happiness in most cases, however. I have heard this compared to PPD whereby the woman, who is severely chemically imbalanced and overwhelmed, erroneously assumes that her baby is responsible, and then either rejects or attempts to harm the baby.
I am someone who thinks this is at least in part neurological, maybe like major depression or bipolar. Just thinking out loud, maybe the affair creates a false comparison that then allows the MLCer to blame the spouse for their problems?
Also, I think we all to a certain extent have longterm and short-term grievances against our spouses. These are manageable. If MLC involves chemical imbalance maybe this becomes out of whack.
I believe I had a mini-crisis in my early twenties due to birth control pills. I wasn't married, but I ended up being very frustrated and bringing up all sorts of things with my parents. (And I was in therapy at the time.) While some of these were authentic complaints, the situation completely resolved when I stopped taking the pills. Essentially, I was unknowingly chemically imbalanced. My problems didn't somehow get "processed"; I just experienced them differently because I was not under the same chemical influence.
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I believe MLC is a culmination of things such as age, hormones, neurological functioning, issues from the past resurfacing. All these things seem to come together at a mid point in life, that is why when MLC is discussed it is given a general age from say 35-50. Everyone is different of course. I saw in my W that the actual thought of hitting the age 40 resulted in depression and then perhaps the hormones flooding kicked in and with that issues from the past resurfacing. It's all a very complicated and yet still a "new" study for science. Scientists are still trying to figure out the brain and it's psychological functioning to this day and perhaps in years to come more people with MLC will be willing to be studied (if they ever admit to it ;D)
Overall it is definitely a time in ones life in which there is a lot of self reflection and learning. Velika makes a good point as to what happens when single people have a crisis, it's the same except there is not a spouse to project blame. The fact that people come out of Mid Life crises is a sign that this is not an issue that can't be worked through. Although wouldn't all us LBSr's like to know what in the mind of our MLCr's would make them come back to reality. I honestly see it as a mental illness. I see my W and say to myself "Wow she is really struggling in every aspect of her life". I guess that is what keeps me in the standing pool.
I don't know if that helped any but I wanted to weigh in with my opinion.
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Speed, I have had similar questions. My W didn't abandon our kids or her parents or quit her job or run naked through the streets. She mostly just decided she wasn't happy with me and started having an affair.
I can't get square with it.
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SR, your wife is not living fulltime with her children anymore. She has abandoned them. If most or all of the characteristics of a typical MLCer fit her, most likely she is going through an MLC. It may not look like it but the MLCer is in a lot of pain, they are unable to accept that there might be something wrong with them, and the spouse is the closest one so it's natural for them to assume it's the spouse's fault. Plus, they have a strong desire to run and if you do anything that looks to them like you're getting in the way, they're going to lash out at you. Right now your wife is trying to run away from a raging fire and you're trying to drag her back into it.
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I will say this. My W blames me for everything. Most of our conversation that I assume could be considered the beginning of R mean she proceeds to tell me everything I did wrong.
Today, she told me that when I wrote my wedding vows and read them aloud, it destroyed her. She said I had promised not to write them and instead, shoot from the hip. I'm a paid writer.
This is the ish I deal with now.
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Today, she told me that when I wrote my wedding vows and read them aloud, it destroyed her. She said I had promised not to write them and instead, shoot from the hip. I'm a paid writer.
Our wedding went wrong too. I learned shortly after bomb drop that we did not dance at our wedding. When I pointed out that we did dance, I learned that we did not dance "enough."
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Ha, Velika, that sure sounds bonkers. I wrote down all the ways I loved her and spoke them aloud and that was an unforgivable act of betrayal. Lol. It's crazy.
I said "You realize you were sleeping with someone behind my back, lying to me, the kids, and our families for eight months and I had to find out?"
I mean, what the hell are we comparing here?
I told her I am not the person to come to when you're feeling down about our failed marriage. I'm not going to let you off the hook.
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I mean, what the hell are we comparing here?
!!! Exactly.
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If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck... It's probably a mlc lol. I think wanting an answer is tied to having an expectation, at least it was for me. "If its mlc I just need to wait 2-7 years and she go back to normal and come home." Thats not how it works and I was setting myself up to be disappointed.
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Voyager....
Can you please find thread u speak of on vanishers and post on this thread?
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Voyager....
Can you please find thread u speak of on vanishers and post on this thread?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0
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Attachingx
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Is a midlife crisis destroying your marriage?
29/4/2013
14 Signs That Show if a Midlife Crisis is Destroying your Marriage
Author: Valentina Ibeachum
A midlife crisis can affect both men and women. And it's effects can be pretty devastating for their spouses because they end up bearing the brunt of it.
The unfortunate thing is that those going through a midlife crisis will vehemently deny that it's what's happening to them. Or, on the other hand, they will laugh you off for even suggesting it.
From experience, observation, and studying the subject, I've found at that they seem to all sing from the same song sheet. Someone suggested that it's like a midlife crisis alien virus takes over their system. Some of the likely symptoms are presented below:
Midlife Crisis Sign #1
First things first, what's in your mind? Are any of the following thoughts (or something close to) swirling around in your mind, or have you actually said them to your spouse?
I'm not in love with you anymore
I still love you (like a friend), but I'm not in love with you
I never knew anything besides life with you
We got married too young
If you hadn't been pregnant, we wouldn't have ever gotten married
Midlife Crisis Sign #2
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's go on to the next point. Think about your whole relationship from beginning to this (impending) end: it's been nothing but frustration hasn't it? You can't seem to have any fond memories of your spouse at this time. Even when they did something good, it was just to manipulate you or make you feel bad.
When you think back, all the problems that you're having now and ever had in your marriage has been because of your spouse. They always made you do what they wanted; you never got to do what you wanted.
Midlife Crisis Sign #3
You're ready for the next one. Be honest now. Do you really care about how they're feeling right now or what they want? You just want to separate yourself from all of this "madness". The crying, the nagging, and the constant questions from your spouse is getting you down. So you feel you need to withdraw emotionally, don't you?
Midlife Crisis Sign #4
You think that there are some things you always wanted but never got round to getting. You're not going to wait any more until you can afford something before you go out and get it. You deserve to get some nice things and you're to get them. NOW.
Midlife Crisis Sign #5
You begin to wonder what life would have been like with another person. You reckon that if you had been available, all those other men or women would have wanted you. So you're beginning to think about testing out your theory. And you know what, you guessed right. There are loads of people out there who want you. They laugh at your jokes and think you're interesting. They actually think that you're pretty great.
Midlife Crisis Sign #6
If you've already put your theory to test about members of the opposite sex finding you attractive, you may already have engaged or be engaging in an emotional or physical affair.
When you go out or come back at odd hours or receive telephone calls from "some person" you feel that urge for extra privacy so you take it in the bathroom. You don't know why your spouse has to ask you questions like "who was that?", "whose calling at this late hour", etc. When you think about it, what makes your spouse think that you need to answer questions like, "where have you been?" "Who were you with?" , etc.
Anyway, you hate their underhanded sneaking around trying to find about your business. Even if they do produce proof like an inappropriate email or text message on your phone, how dare they invade your privacy? Anyway, you're going to hold out admitting to the affair if you can get away with it.
Midlife Crisis Sign #7
You're not really sure if you want your spouse to go on with life without you. Why should they go on to have a happy and fulfilled life when you feel so frustrated with your life? So sometimes you're affectionate, not too often because you don't want to raise their hopes too high. One minute you say that you just can't live with them, the next, you're getting them to make love with you. Or, you move out, but come back to check your mail and see the children.
Midlife Crisis Sign #8
You really don't want to deal with anything right now, do you? Why does your spouse want to bring you down talking about "issues" or "responsibilities"? You just want to feel good. Why does everyone keep asking to try to be reasonable? Maybe the solution is to avoid all these discussions and people. Why should do anything that you don't feel like doing? If you've already formed a relationship with someone else, you're sure that they will help run away from all these disturbances. If not, maybe it's the new car, or going partying or clubbing. Alcohol and drugs also begin to draw your attention. Why not, you've been so responsible for so long and life is too short. If none of these work, you can simply ignore all of them.
Midlife Crisis Sign #9
You go to counselling with your spouse "just to make them feel better". Anyway, you're the real victim here. But you'll just go along so that they won't say that you're not trying. But at this stage, you don't feel like following up with anything the counsellor suggested and you feel that you're spouse is nagging when they ask you to make some effort in that direction.
Midlife Crisis Sign #10
You've known your spouse for so long that you know what makes them happy or upset. So from time to time you practice doing both. But in most cases, you want to prove how awful they're making life for you by getting them upset so that they can retaliate with something equally mean or hurtful. So you drop subtle hints about taking custody of the children; or you make derogatory remarks about their habits, appearance, family members, the list goes on. It's called pushing their buttons and your time with them gives you a lot of ammunition. Anyway, why not, they pushed you to it.
Midlife Crisis Sign #11
You play the blame game. You can't really think about any major faults of your own. So you think about and/or say things like:
We don't go out any more.
We don't have any fun together any more.
I'm not sure I can continue living with you
You never….
I'm not trying to blame you (but by implication you are)
Midlife Crisis Sign #12
Your spouse makes some effort to change. They've done some soul searching about how they could have done better and start putting some effort into it. But you think, "Too little, too late". As far as you're concerned, there's NOTHING they can do that will change things. All that pleading and begging is getting you down, you just want to move on.
Midlife Crisis Sign #13
Despite the fact that you're not happy about your marriage and you want a different life (preferably with someone else); you get really upset if they file for a divorce. Why should they be the one to take the initiative? If you see that they really want to go through with it, you're going to make things really difficult for them. Anyway, they're filing for divorce or suggesting a separation shows that they never really wanted it to work in the first place. As far as you're concerned, they've shown their true colours now and you're going to let everyone know it!
Midlife Crisis Sign #14
The divorce or separation finally comes through (I hope it doesn't after reading this). You're now free to do all the things you really want. What a relief, you can now live the life you've always wanted. You're free to date or carry on your affair (if you had already started it). Then you hear that your ex has started or may be starting a relationship with someone else. You're not sure if you really like it, but of course you won't admit it.
Six months to a year passes and you've had all the dates, enjoyed your affair to the hilt. You've tried all those things that you were always saying "no" to. But somehow you're still not completely fulfilled. Then you begin to wonder,
Did I make a mistake…?
Was life really that bad...?
Will they take me back...?
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/14-signs-that-show-if-a-midlife-crisis-is-destroying-your-marriage-145552.html
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Wow, thanks for this :)
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River, I've merged your thread into an existing one on the same subject.
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At first I thought it was my H natural eccentric personality, until the devising of a 'camper' planed to live in it and move to California (clear across the county). H then told me he was having a MLC.
I didn't know a thing about a MLC, I scoured the internet, bought every book available on the topic and on male depression. Because H told me he was 'depressed' after FIL passed about 4 years ago.
It all didn't make sense until I started observing more. H has been in Replay about two years now.
Thank goodness I found this site a year and a half ago, to help me focus on ME.
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Ok thank you. I came across this today. Thought it might be helpful to us.
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River,
everything in that is my W to a T, WOW is all I can say.
it really is script isn't it...unreal. Everytime I wonder if she is having a MLC I will remember this
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Yes Krathos script indeed. My H follows it to a T as well.
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My Husband had this script as well. Boggles the mind. And yet, society and the medical community poo poo its existence.