Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Still on February 22, 2011, 05:45:04 AM
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I am interested in learning what others have experienced. My MLC'er does not appear to be attracted to me in any way. He was a very affectionate person pre-MLC, but never comes anywhere near me. He acts as if I am just furniture most of the time.
I have seen many of you indicate that your H/W still has a noticeable attraction to you. I thought it would be interesting to see how common this is.
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I am interested in learning what others have experienced. My MLC'er does not appear to be attracted to me in any way. He was a very affectionate person pre-MLC, but never comes anywhere near me. He acts as if I am just furniture most of the time.
I have seen many of you indicate that your H/W still has a noticeable attraction to you. I thought it would be interesting to see how common this is.
YUP! DITTO. Now did we vote the same?
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Still:
I'm divorced and have very little to NO contact with my xH. However, when all of this first started he treated me like garbage on his feet. Before BD I had noticed that he had stopped holding my hand........we held hands ALL the time. He had pulled so far away from me that he was literally falling off the edge of the bed........this is something I realized much later. You know how you sit and think about things and start seeing the "signs" afterwards. When my xH first left me he couldn't stand for me to touch him.........I remembered one time in particular I tried to kiss him and he turned away from me making a face like a child! I was so hurt. Then we went through the stage of him not even making eye contact with me. Things changed again and I was able to touch him and hug him but I always waited for him to give me the sign that it was alright. The last time I actually saw him we hugged and I kissed his neck. It didn't seem to bother him or upset him. It's been nearly 5 months since. Not having him around hurts and I miss him but I don't think I could stand to be treated like I had a disease or something......unable to touch.
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My H was still attracted to me the first half of the MLC and showed it, but since the depression hit has shown very little sign of being attracted, certainly not outwardly.
He has complimented twice in the past 2.5 years on my appearance (and used to frequently pre-MLC), the last time being about a year ago now.
He has stopped the "cootie" behavior though and will give me hugs at times but generally keeps his distance. If we do accidentally brush by each other or something like that he doesn't jump back like he is afraid of being infected.
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One hug in the last year for me.....in October 2010. She made a comment about a month before that I was looking thin (yes, darlin' it's called the LBS diet).
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After reading the responses, I think maybe I have confused the question.
H is not affectionate towards me. Never was much. BUT he was always attracted, somewhat of a letch. He still checks me out, leers with his old funny letch smile, but no longer gropes. He has reached for me a few times but caught himself ::)
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My MLC husband and I used to be very affectionate and touchy feely couple - as his MLC developed I got all of the usual sleeping on the edge of the bed, not holding hands, wiping his mouth after I'd kissed him (like a child) and turning away from me and going stiff as a board when I tried to touch him.
Since he has left he hasn't told me I'm attractive or anything even remotely resembling a compliment but he has looked at me a couple of times (when I had to collect the children from his flat around Xmas) and I got a pre MLC smile (it shook me up as I hadn't seen one for so long and I saw his twinkly blue eyes for a flash (it was there! I am certain I didn't imagine it). I know he thinks I'm attractive from that look - his OW is an ex from 25 years ago and she looks just like his Mum and is wrinkly and all of my friends thought she was 55 (she is 42!).
Interesting topic.
P
xx
Choose Life
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My xH has told me in person and in text that he thinks I'm still very attractive. He made a statement that he would be "afraid" to be alone with me as he felt we would end up in bed together. I feel like he is still attracted to me (physically).........maybe that's why he doesn't want to be around me. He thinks it will contradict everything he has done. Not sure.
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One hug in the last year for me.....in October 2010.
My last hug was March 17, 2009.
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Well,
How does one answer this when one is hugged, kissed, cuddled all the time and has some level of sex a few times a month but then told "I'm not sexually attracted to you AT ALL"?
Gotta love the MLCer!
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How does one answer this when one is hugged, kissed, cuddled all the time and has some level of sex a few times a month but then told "I'm not sexually attracted to you AT ALL"?
....with a tazer. (http://planetsmilies.net/machine-smiley-5079.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)
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LOLOLOLOLOL
:) :) :) :)
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How does one answer this when one is hugged, kissed, cuddled all the time and has some level of sex a few times a month but then told "I'm not sexually attracted to you AT ALL"?
....with a tazer. (http://planetsmilies.net/machine-smiley-5079.gif) (http://planetsmilies.net)
LUCKY!!!
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So where does one boy a tazer?
LOL!
Just to clarify, the physical affection was at a very low level until the last year or so. While that's lovely to have back, it might be nice to have those cutting words reversed as well......oh, but then I might not be confused anymore so never mind.... :P
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I have been told a couple of times that I look nice. I mentioned making love once and she said that pressured her. Of course she forgot she mentioned making love to me before I said anything.
She hugs me and kisses me from time to time if I ask. She is very cold and distant with her affection. Fortunately, I am at the point where I do not care now. I hug and kiss my own kids and I let her have her space.
Sadly, I am losing my own attraction to her. It is hard to consider physical attraction for someone who "is in love" with someone else.
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Lol, I asked my H if I had leprosy or something. I said, you treat me like I have a disease and I am contagious. He said he didn't mean to do that. But it didn't stop him.
We were always affectionate. The first thing when we saw each other was to hug and kiss and always a pat or touch. Then as crisis commenced...I am surprised he didn't get carpul tunnel from gripping the edge of the mattress. Lol. Oh yeah...he did! Had that fixed though.
I did ask him in Jan 09, about intimacy....he said..."Maybe you could pay someone for it :o...I know my Higher Power was watching out for me and kept me to stunned or I would be serving a prison sentence!! That was spewing Monster time.
But on a couple occassions since that time I saw him totally check me out. My daughters saw that too. So when I go to court for our hearings, I make sure I am "court room appropriate" hot. :) :) :) :)
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Pre MLC my H and I were always affectionate. After BD I also got the 'hanging on to the edge of the bed'.
Shortly after he moved out he was very flirty. Would send me lots of sexy texts full of inuendo. All that stopped for about a year, maybe the middle part of replay and just recently he has started paying me complements again, noticing when I had had my hair done (which he never did before) and just telling me how much he admires me, and he has told me a couple of times recently that he still loves me. During his touch and goes, he usually asks me for a hug.
Don't know if these feelings now coincide with him being at either end of the tunnel or not. I also notice him sneaking looks at me.
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My story is strange, because H was icy and distant with me pre BD, but since then he's become more affectionate. I'm sure now he was deep in crisis a long time before BD, very depressed, cold and angry, but has been having his awakening during the past 2 years.
The first days of our separation, our attraction was like magnets! As he's felt more free, and is able to accept and enjoy his life more, he's become more affectionate and attentive.
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My MLCer has admitted attraction for me on the phone and in emails. He refers to it as "undeniable"and I have validated that and if I go to him for a hug he gives it to me and waits until I pull away..but that was back in Oct 2010 when I did that last.
The last time I saw him two weeks ago or so I wanted to just fling myself into his arms but held my ground.
He avoids me but his reasons are unfinished business with EXOW and I set the boundary of if he has to be involved with her he's not involved with me AT ALL.
He does see OW at all anymore but still has her some of her crap at his house. He wants to get rid of it but doesn't want to become entagled in some way that would give her a way to take him to small claims court by throwing it away.
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Still, I love the idea of a tazer! LOL My MLC'er is also still very attracted to me. He was not at all affectionate before. He never liked to hold my hand. He would say that's for people in love. We didn't cuddle on the couch. When we'd leave the gym together, he'd run so fast to his car, I felt like typhoid Mary, or that he didn't want anyone to see us together.
Now he tells me how hot I am. How he has trouble keeping his hands off of me. When he came for dinner on Sun., we were cuddling and kissing on the couch. He actually picked me up and put me on his lap! I suggested sex( we would have sex about 3 times a week and I was dying). He said he wasn't sure if that was a good idea. I said we are still married. I was wearing a new pair of boots, he loves boots and I wanted to look hot for him, and I told him I promised I wouldn't cry and would kiss him goodbye. We did and I did as promised.
Yes, he's most definitely attracted. I also told him I wasn't trying to manipulate him. I seriously was doing it for me. The thought of losing the great sex hurts as much as anything.
Oh, and LifeGoesOn, I love the lip icon.
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When my H first left - he told me several times on the phone that he couldn't be around me because he was strongly physically attracted to me and didn't trust himself.
He told me that if we were to be together - it wouldn't change anything. It would change how he felt.
Since then, he avoids me like the plague and we are virtually NC.
L
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I think that's some of what keeps my EXH away is the attraction -and he knows it goes both ways..plus the guilt....PLUS he knows I want to see tests for stds!
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You know, I never thought about it like this.........but perhaps that is also the reason my xH stays away from me. Because he is still attracted to me and knows I am also attracted to him. I may be completely wrong in my thinking but I truly believe he still has feelings for me and the love is still there..........deep down somewhere. I know the guilt of what he has done is working overtime on him. Guilt and shame is a HUGE burden to bare. I also think we (LBS's) get the treatment we get because they know they have hurt us and they can't stand to be subjected to seeing us. Very odd and strange world these MLC'ers must be living in. I just can't wrap my brain around it. The harder I try the worse I feel. Just let it go.
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Mine has made an effort to acknowledge the pain he caused me which has helped me A LOT!
But he is also telling me he has soooooo much respect for me and I think with his poor self image ( which he admits to also) that somehow he's put me on some kind of pedestal ....that I'm someone to "revere" instead of make love to. It's pretty frustrating ..I wish he didn't respect me so much..or maybe felt a little better about himself. I'd love to be intimate with him again!
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I am finding the results of this pool quite interesting. We have such similar stories, but still distinct differences.
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I have been thinking about this and I remembered that he once said to me that he was never good enough for me and that i should leave him behind and find someone who would make me truly happy.
I am certain it was just MLC feeling sorry for himself and trying to salve his guilt but in retrospect it was maybe a hint of where he feels his self worth is.
just thinking out loud
P
xx
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Mine showed less attraction towards me around BD but now alot more than normal. No so much the small affectionate things but more sexual.Probably since OW was in the picture. Weirdly my H said he thought he was no longer attractede to me and is now confused because he is? Whatever...MLC is confusing
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MF
I think that has a lot to do with it..they simply feel they are not good enough for us.
My d14 made this observation also.
If I heard "Find yourself a good man" once I heard it 1000 tmes to the point where I just wanted to scream!
That's why I pulled the power play of telling him I was going out. It then dawned on him that I might have sex with someone else.
This was after I emailed him a few weeks before (which gave him time to think about it) of how I felt whenever we had sex. And I was pretty graphic.
I watched "Scent of a Woman" the other night and there was a line in that movie that slammed a real truth into my head.
Chris O'Donnell and AL Pacino are wreslting over the gun that Pacinos character is trying to kill himself with.
Pacino is raging about being a "bad" man when O'Donnells character with tears streaming down his face says:
"You're not a "bad" man; you are just in pain"
And lovemyman
You have hit it pretty much on target as far as I'm concerned. And even if it makes you feel worse...FEEL IT. Cry if you have to and then try to let it go.
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Still,
Pre-BD my H was the most affectionate person on earth -- truly. We slept intertwined literally until BD. It then all stopped totally. In the years (yes, years...) since, I have rated the odd hug, but now have cooties again. He did at one point a bit over a year ago admit, however, that he did find me sexually attractive. That was after insisting for 2.5 years that he had no such feelings for me. However, that hasn't come up again.
He has for now put me in the category of "sister", thus allowing for affection/sympathy if needed (at his discretion, which hasn't been exercised for a long, long time), but otherwise allowing me to be completely ignored.
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Still, TnL, and others,
I have been watching this thread with great interest, because although my h. has declared that he has no feelings whatsoever for me, this is NOT my case, I DO have feelings for him, I still think he is absolutely desirable. Does this change over time? I mean, does he rediscover feelings? My BD was in December, but things had been cooling off considerably in the last six months due to his erectile dysfunction and I was hoping that it was temporary , due to stress and the betablocker he has to take for cardiomyopathy. I was (I thought) very kind and loving and understanding, trying not to pressure him in any way (walking on eggshells?), always expressing my affection to him and then, BOOM! Now, if I want any 'touch' from him, I have to get it from him - a 'kiss', a hug at peace(at church) and I touch him every now and again with no returning touch. I miss him (us) soooo much! What do you think, is this part of our lives over? Or, maybe, is it over for me?