Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Velika on November 28, 2016, 11:49:20 AM
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I am curious about this, and know the answer will vary from person to person, or even within the same family.
My husband has almost totally forgotten about me and our dog. He seems to consistently lack empathy and even a conscience at times. However, he is hyper-fixated on split custody since about seven months into MLC. (Before that he seemed inconsistent with our son but often not present.)
Does he feel empathy for our son and does he enjoy spending time with him, or is he "using" him the way MLCers "use" the OW, as a type of validation and narcissistic supply? Or does he regard his son, as I sometimes suspect, as a younger version of himself?
Are MLCers selectively empathetic? Is the paternal or maternal bond so strong that it can transcend MLC?
I'm curious to hear any and all thoughts and experiences.
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Velika,
My take on this is that the the kids are a a source of narcissistic supply for the MLCer.
I do not exclude the possibility of seeing the child as a younger version of himself (although it might not apply to my MLCer).
I have seen the total lack of empathy of my H with our daughter.
He said that kids are resilient and she will be "fine".
The MLCers do not want to see the reality of the damage they are doing to their children.
From my experience so far, the paternal of maternal instinct will not be stronger than MLC. Specifically my H said: "People should not stay together for the sake of the kids."
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My H blamed so much on our 2 sons during the M. Never did H complain before MLC but I believe H needed to blame someone so H took it out on me. Said multiple times that I did everything for the children. Amazing how they followed in H's footsteps and now H is jealous saying if it wasn't for him, children would not be where they are in life. 35/33 successful and happily married with children. Children do not speak to H. They are disgusted with him.
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I think it depends on the child. The very young have no voice in the matter and must go with the MLCER if it is required. In that case, MO is that the child is someone that the MLCER can control, maybe force to do as they do, or control by the fear the child has that the MLCER will abandoned them, too. If the kids are older and don't agree with the MLCer, or will argue with them the MLCER might not want to have to deal with that and abandoned them, or they might try to bully the child to get their own way.
In all cases, I think it is all about the MLCER and what they want or get out of the relationship, whether it is pretending that they are a FABULOUS parent, needing to control someone, or needing someone to "like" them. I don't believe that what is best for the child enters their mind at all.
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Completely agree with your thoughts on this Offroad
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My husband has almost totally forgotten about me and our dog. He seems to consistently lack empathy and even a conscience at times.
Typical MLC - the spouse is the one they disconect from first and the last to re-connect.
Does he feel empathy for our son and does he enjoy spending time with him, or is he "using" him the way MLCers "use" the OW, as a type of validation and narcissistic supply? Or does he regard his son, as I sometimes suspect, as a younger version of himself?
Are MLCers selectively empathetic? Is the paternal or maternal bond so strong that it can transcend MLC?
I think empathy is a non-existent word in MLC land for majority of MLCers. Empathy is the capacity to feel someone else's pain and to consider how they could help that person without getting attached or jumping into the pit with them. So no an MLCer is incapable of true empathy.
Remember everything they do is for their sense of "entitlement". They are "entitled" to live their life they want to - they are "entitled" to see their children when it suits them, they are "entitled " to be happy etc.....yadda yadda yawn!
Therefore paternal instincts are not necessarily in play here. What is in play is a guilty sense of duty and if they believe (as MLC lets them) that the children would be better off with them - then they will construct all kinds of arguments to prove their point. This is where the spouse has to have boundaries but be incredibly gracious, bright, breezy and calm. Any jumping off that tight rope only perpetuates the MLCer's need to have control of those who he feels he can still control ie the children and any lawyer that fights his case.
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My h has abandoned our 3 children. My oldest s21 has spoken and seen h only once in about a year and that was for about 30 seconds. S21 and his girlfriend are trying to have a baby. I told rhis to h un august. He said uf he wants me in the kids life fine, if he dont then fine.
S19 is the one who will fight with him. I think h likes it. Although deep down he is very scared of both boys. They have threatened him physically. They have also threatened to tell the ow about us being together a couple of months back. Thats when he cut all ties with them.
D12 called h on november 12 to tell him that she started cutting herself. He brushed her off. No empathy, care or feeling in his voice. He has yet to call her or me to see how she is doing. She had him on speaker phone. He actually rhinks rhey are close and have a good relationship. He is very dillusional in that area. He has only spoken to her that one time and has not seen her in 3 months. He was never a perfect dad but he was a good dad. It is very heartbreaking how this evil takes over them. All 3 of our kids want nothing more to do with him. I think that deep down they still care and love their dad but have pushed it down so it does not hurt them anymore. Something needs to be done with this sickness.
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I think Off Road is dead on or at least that has been my experience with my MLCer.
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I think OW1 didn't want to share my H with the children. So he hardly saw them. He only took all 3 for lunch once in 3.5 years alone. Otherwise he involved me in all times with the children.
OW2 is supposedly a good person. A good Mom. He seemed to be trying to reconnect with the kids. He sent the D a letter. It had no depth. It was an apology that screamed he was a victim. The D threw it away ( i fished it out and kept it just in case one day she wants to see it). Once it came out about OW2, he really hasn't tried.
2 of the 3 kids have no real relationship. The 3rd child talks to him by text every 10 days or so. See each other once a month maybe if that.
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My H biggest wound was that he thought he was emotionally abandoned by his parents. He has done the same to his children along with physical abandonment. (he hid where he lived for over 3.5 years). He only has a texting relationship at best with any of them. He loves to send twitter feeds as his form of contact.
He does like to brag about the kids to his friends though. He alludes to things like he is a constant in their lives. It is always a shock for someone to hear he actually hasn't had anything to do with his D in over 2.5 years or that his youngest has seen him since June.
The Father my children used to have would win Father of the year if you compared him to this version. It is very sad that his own flesh and blood don't stand a chance against his inner demons.
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I'm very curious about this topic myself also. I see drastic changes in H mostly regarding SS16.
To reply to the question of the thread, I feel they see them as extensions of themselves, just like they see us as LBS, as someone posted eariler.
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I think it's important to recognize that the MLCer is going through an identity crisis. For most of them, in their mind, the person who was the spouse and parent no longer exists. They can't be that person anymore. Imagine your MLC spouse as a very distant relative, then think about the kind of relationship you would expect that person would have with your children. I believe they do recognize that they have an obligation to the children but I don't believe they feel an emotional connection to them so their actions are primarily driven by duty and guilt. It's sad but that's the nature of MLC.
In some cases I believe it goes even deeper and they see the LBS, and by extension, the children, as the objects that are holding them back from finding the happiness they're chasing and they respond accordingly. Imagine a wild animal trapped in a cage and frantically trying to escape.
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Interesting discussion. Initially my H was escaping and avoiding all, including our S10. He was extremely short with him, unreasonably hard and unloving. Now, 6 months later, he has completely flipped. He is almost obsessed with S10. He cries about missing out on things, etc. He seems to have reconnected with our S10 which makes me happy. But it may be a little over the top. And of course, if he has plans, like say to run a half marathon, that will trump all, including S10s very first B-Ball game.
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I know for my MLC W she has at first been very short and angry with D14 when asked questions, even after she moved out spent very little time with her at all, had more important things to do in the evening when we would visit.
Told D about things that she was doing to in my opinion bribe D but then wouldn't follow though on them when D asked about said topic when they were together, now she has continued the bribing in other forms to get D attention but to no avail cause D wants nothing to do with her, she hasn't even told her that she is living with OM. She has made no effort to even come see her since she moved back in August. Has told me that she wants a relationship with D but willing to do it through me. She is really messed up in head.
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KIT - Your post is very interesting as I have a S11 and H has been acting almost exactly the same way with him. My BD is only a few months before yours so the time line is almost the same. At first it was all escape and avoid everyone, now S11 is like his little buddy. But it is not a normal father/son relationship.... more like a best buddy. I think it creeps our S11 a little because he is looking for Dad and he is getting this best friend response. If S11 acts up, H will come to me and tell on him like a friend would. The other night they were playing xbox together and S11 had a meltdown because he was overtired and the game wasn't going his way. H comes to me... S11 isn't playing nice with me. I am going home and he leaves. I have to go down and deal with S11 's meltdown by myself.
Of course, S11 is only a best buddy if he doesn't have any better offers from his replay friends.
He treats H15 the same way he treats me. We might as well be the same person.
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I read something that if the children are teens the MLCer sees than as much younger children and treats them that way and that causes problems.
Also from what I read, the children are the first ones the MLCer reconnects with once they start to wake up.
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The other night they were playing xbox together and S11 had a meltdown because he was overtired and the game wasn't going his way. H comes to me... S11 isn't playing nice with me. I am going home and he leaves. I have to go down and deal with S11 's meltdown by myself.
Seriously DF--it's like our Hs are the same person! I had almost the exact same scenario happen last weekend! Oh and H decided to buy S10 a PS4 for Christmas (in addition to the xBox and WiiU he already has). The games he got for it are more games H is into. LOL. Regress much?
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My older children S21 and D18 complain that they are treated as if they are small children at times. This causes huge friction in their relationship with X. Younger D11 is seen as someone that she can control and dictate to. Again producing friction. All my kids complain that X does not listen to them. They also feel that X's bf takes precedence over them all. I am often accused by X of trying to be "father of the year". I do like the title and take it as a compliment. However the reason she gives me the label is because I have a very open relationship with my kids and they have the confidence to speak to me about anything knowing that I will listen to them.
IMO everyone in the MLC mind is to serve a purpose for their own gain. Their ego needs to be continually stoked, hence their need for control or rejection.