Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: hopeandfaith on January 04, 2017, 09:22:58 PM
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I seem to be coming across ALOT of marriages that are hitting hard times around the 15 year mark. I know we have patterns regarding age but I am wondering if there are any patterns concerning the age of the relationship?
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We married ten years in, but BD was at 21 years total. To be honest though, I remember there being a shift around that 15 year mark. We made drastic life changes then, but in hindsight I see where that likely kept MLC at bay for awhile.
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36 years together, 34 married. When I met my wife she had just turned 16 and I had just turned 19. We raised two daughters and a granddaughter together. A lot of people saw us with our granddaughter and thought we were her parents. People still see me with my granddaughter and think that I'm her father.
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We were married 18 years when he said it. But he claims he had felt a change around 8 or 9 years in.
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26 years of marriage at BD, 31 of relationship - then 30 years at divorce and 35 of relationship.
He told me at BD that he had been unhappy for five years :o, then more... - it depended on the day; until he said that he had been forced to marry me :o
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We met one week after I graduated high school. He was 19.
Moved in together after the summer and married a year later.
I was 19, he was 21.
We started with nothing, slept on a mattress on the floor for the first 5 years.
We both worked our @sses off for years. Before kids, I worked two full time jobs at once.
He left 4 months before our 27th anniversary. He said I was lucky to enjoy a life of living off of the fruits of his labor.
Yep. I was using him for his money the whole time. :o
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I hit married 20/25 years but realized after it said married/together. That would be over 30 years.
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Sorry, tried to change it but it wouldn't let me. So there should be 2 for over 30. :)
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We were married 15 years when BD occurred. Had been together 22.
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It's so interesting that you noticed that HaF. My bomb drop was at 18 yrs but previous to that I had noticed that many couples that we knew were splitting up around the 15-16 year mark. My h & I even discussed it. I knew nothing about mlc at that time but I did notice the surge in divorces & separations.
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We had 15 years in the beginning of the year - BD was in December.
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Married 15 years when BD occurred.
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19 years and 7 months. We had been together 10 years before we married, 3 of those living together. Early March would be 30 years for us.
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Married for 22 years. Were together 2 years before that.
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were married 14 years / together 21
divorce (11-9-16) 2yrs post BD (9-6-14)
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Married 18 years and two months when I found out about it. There was no BD. I saw it on the computer ... who knows how long it had been going on.
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When you find out about it is the BD.
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I don't think Never H said ILYBNILWY or anything like that, right Never? Did you just google his symptoms?
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Never found out about ow on the computer or the phone.
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I 1st met him when we were both 14 . In highschool. We both went on to marry others and both of us divorced after 4 years . He was cheated on, his wife turned up pregnant by another man . My 1st husband was alcoholic. My husband dropped the bomb somewhere around ( or on ) our 27th wedding anniversary, late april 2013. I remember our anniversary, my birthday and Mothers Day being a trip thru hell. OW birthday is a day after mine . She got flowers . BLAH BLAH... stupid to remember these things still. I discovered the OW by complete flukey intuition and a dream... 1 week before he returned home . It had been going on for 9 months . So, there is some proof that the second I knew ... he put her back in the garbage dumpster where he found her .
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~12 years together, married 9 years at BD. We separated shortly after our 10th wedding anniversary; D was finalized ~18 months later.
I've known him for over 20 years.
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Married 28 years together for 32. My only boyfriend. Now I don't know who he is.
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Together for 21, married for 17 at bd. Noticed him changing a couple of years before, very slowly changing. He said he hadnt loved me for five years before, then 8,then 10, then 15, then never. Whatever.
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Met him 1980. D born 1981. He turned 18 when I was pregnant. He was homeless,and a couch surfer pretty much. He was kicked out of his house. Never went back. My mom became his foster mother so he could get state help,since he was underage. It was always rough because of all of it. He had issues then.
We married in 1987. Three more kids born in 88,90 and 91. I had a Mlc of my own. I was 38. I had no idea that's what it was. It did damage. We separated and almost divorced. He filed. He fell apart and had an affair. We got back together. Stuff did not get dealt with.
We d in March 2012 for financial reasons. You'll have to read my thread. He was already changing before the d. He got worse over the summer. Beginning of replay. Unknown to anyone. He went to work end of October 2012 and never came home.
The rest of the nutty story is on my thread.
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Married 28 years at BD..... Still married this June will be 32 years !!!!!
Hard to believe he's been gone from home since 2013.
My memories of us and him, are starting to fade a bit.
The edges are softer if that makes sense.
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We also separated for about 6 months at year (you guessed it) 15.
Looking back ,it did postpone the BD I think.. Things were good again... Till one day I looked up and they were not.. It was a slow sneak up the this second round..
But 100 times worse
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Yeah , 15 to 20. 19 for mine.
There really does seem to be something around that span.
And around October
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At BD we were 18 years together, of which 13 years married.
For the survey wouldn´t know how to reply - should we fill in the how many years we were together or married only?
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Together 21 years, married 16, Divorced nearly 3 years now.
I discovered her first affair after 8 years of marriage, and I got the BD ILYBNILWY speech the following year. The 2 years before the affair she was in major escape and avoid mode and I can see now was she was dropping mini bombs all over the place, as if she was getting ready to run but pulling back at the last minute.
Looking back with hindsight I can also see traces of this pattern of behaviour right back to our early days of dating and it makes me wonder why we ever got married. I’m not re-writing history I’m just looking back and certain things seem to make sense now.
Lanzo
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Together since we were both 21, married at 26; 17 years at BD. Looking back I remember some mean comments here and there the year before bd. Also some indications that I was being "set up" for his friends, instances where he avoided having me around them.
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Together 22 years. Met when we were 25 married at 27. Bd was one week after our 20th anniversary. What a great post.
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Together 20years married10
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Married 27 yrs,together 31 I was 17 he was 18
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21 years together
15.5 at BD
D at 16 plus 4 months
H is still in replay
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My W and were together 21 years married just short of 12 years at BD.
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We were together for 10 years 8 of which we lived together ......his first bd was when s7 was 8 months old he did not leave , second bd may 2013 ....still not postive it s mlc ex was 42 when he left
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At BD we were 18 years together, of which 13 years married.
For the survey wouldn´t know how to reply - should we fill in the how many years we were together or married only?
Hi Lost. In the cases where people are married, I would record the time married. I just didn't want to discount those folks that never got married.
I might be generalising too much but I think there is a feeling of safety which maybe grows into complacency once the relationship changes from dating to married. Unspoken expectations are more likely to come into play ??
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Married 31 years and had no idea MLC was headed my way. He had what I thought a great marriage. We moved to another state for him to take a. Teaching job and looking back I think he planned or was thinking some sort of exit after we got away from friends. Then OW came along and it set replay in place. Now divorce one year and not really sure if they are still together because he moved to the state she is at. I believe they are not together and I think he's just by himself. So end of relationship didn't set him forward. I do think he's in depression and he's still really indifferent about me. I think he will be lost forever.
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Together 30 years, married 26 years at BD. My sTbx also said he had been unhappy for 5 years at BD. 3 years have passed since BD and then he wanted a D. Mathematically, 5+3=8, but he called that a decade. Said he had been unhappy for a decade. That was a year ago. Not D yet, still slugging out the D and still at home.
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8!!! lbs were married more than 30 years. And I know of 3 others who don't post any more and some on here who haven't seen this poll! Who would have believed it? [rhetorical question].
Sahmom--My sTbx also said he had been unhappy for 5 years at BD
Mine said 5 years, then later 10 years, then only for the 1st 5...then I never was happy....it's all nonsense.
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Yep, pure script.
The first sentence of BD was, "you know this year hasn't been good".
Two years later he said he was pretending to be happy throughout our entire marriage (28 years). ::)
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Two years later he said he was pretending to be happy throughout our entire marriage (28 years). ::)
Yep, apparently H was miserable for a while, then for years, then for the entire time too.
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I never put much thought into why they do this, and most do.
BD... It was "this year",
A letter a few weeks later said, he didn't know why HE changed, it wasn't my fault, he was fire trucked up and didn't know why.... we had many good memories, etc...
As time went on, it was the entire marriage.
Now the "entire marriage" speech, I didn't push the relationship question at all, he just went there.
So why the change?
Any ideas??
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I was married 30 years at BD. He told me 5 years earlier that he "was very, very unhappy. We have nothing in common and I don't see myself being retired with you". I helped him out and filed for D 2 1/2 years after BD. We would have been married 34 years the year of the D.
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Learning, that's funny, mine said that too. We had nothing in common.
I said oh really...and started naming off all the things we had in common...one right after another.
He never said that again. :)
You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie about the facts.
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Correction for me:
Married 13 years at BD.
Total years married to date 15.
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I seem to be in the lowest percentage--only together 7 1/2 years, married 4. But the hurt is still the same. However, I have found I cannot compare my situation to those of you married 20+ years. I couldn't even imagine that. I guess it makes me lucky. It was easier to move on.
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6 and a 1/2 at BD
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24 years
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Thunder and learning it's amazing how they use the "we have nothing in common " line , my did too along with he knew first year he married me that he shouldn't of. Also got if he'd of met ow first he'd never of married me at all.
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Lived together for 7 years the first year was great..should have left after he lost his job because he was stealing things from work..silly me thought he would grow out of that.
Left him a couple of times. Ended up going back.
Then stupid enough to marry and have kids with him. Lasted 20 years. Utter hell. Abusive toxic relationship. He divorced me for exow and money.
Went back post divorce for another year and eight months thinking it was an MLC on his part. Nope silly me- wrong again. ::)
2013 Got myself a trip to the hospital for ex-rays as I was trying to leave him- thought that would make him happy-silly me wrong again! :P
Total years I was with him? TOO MANY!
I'm DONE. :)
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Jah63,
I think in their messed up, confused mind they really think that we have nothing in common...and we probably don't when their in this state of mind. The commonalities were with our spouses, not these aliens.
Living in La La Land is only for a chosen few. ::)
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Thunder, I'm so glad I'm not one of the chosen few
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My exH and I were together for 20 years, married for 17 but I noticed a change around year 16. Typical MLC symptoms.
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We were married 19.5 years and together for 21.
Our 20th anniversary is in June and I was planning a weekend in Rome. Had nothing booked but knew all realistic flight times, hotels, costs etc. ;-(
Im thinking if nothing changes until then I may fly alone and celebrate in myown style (probably crying all weekend ;.) )
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Together 16.5 at BD
Married 12 at BD
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Together 7 1/2 years at BD
Married 4 1/2 years at BD
Friend who introduced us said it sounds like the 7 year itch got him ;D
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Together 6 1/2 years at BD, tried to repair our R but he living as if he was a teenager, out all night and we don't even spend time anymore - if we do, he's always grumpy
I moved out a year later when I found out about EA2
H sort of dropped a semi-BD at 4 1/2 years, thought it was depression but he got out of it (and we got stronger), we went for holidays, he found a part time job, all was good then.
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My BD was just shy of our 18th wedding anniversary and was also in our anniversary month! We will be 19 years next week. In retrospect, I see where there were signs that I overlooked. I was also trying so hard to better myself for better career opportunities that I thought would benefit US. According to him. this was the time he felt we grew apart, which was a total shock to me.
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Together since university days, so 31 years now. BD was just before 18th wedding anniversary (is that a thing, BelleElle?? shouldn't 18 have some nicer traditional anniv gift, like paper or clocks?). This year will be our 23rd anniv.
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Together since university days, so 31 years now. BD was just before 18th wedding anniversary (is that a thing, BelleElle?? shouldn't 18 have some nicer traditional anniv gift, like paper or clocks?). This year will be our 23rd anniv.
Maybe 18 should be a cuckoo clock.
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;D ;D ;D
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Together since university days, so 31 years now. BD was just before 18th wedding anniversary (is that a thing, BelleElle?? shouldn't 18 have some nicer traditional anniv gift, like paper or clocks?). This year will be our 23rd anniv.
Yes, we should have had nicer anniversary gifts.