Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Velika on January 09, 2017, 10:16:41 PM
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Since it is inevitable that I will eventually have to at least briefly meet OW, I am wondering how to handle.
I am looking for tips on how to interact with her in a way that shows grace, high boundaries, distance, dignity, and disinterest. I really don't want to give her anything.
Has anyone seen this handled well?
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Velika,
My H, fortunately, didn't have an ow, but my first H had a few. ::)
I think just a simple nod or hello is all that is needed.
When he introduced us we both just said, hi. No hand shaking or anything, then we just went about our business. No hit chat was required.
If I said anything it was directed at my X, not her. I wasn't rude, that's not me, but I was not giving her any head space or importance. It was like meeting a stranger. Just be polite. :)
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This is a great question . Thanks for posting this . For me there has been significant time that has passed, so how I would have reacted the 1st year compared to now is very different. I think, in a perfect scenario , Thunder is correct , mature and in control. For me, the cow works within blocks of my home so I have often imagined what I would do if I came face to face with her . The 1st year I actually walked ( raged) to her shop but neither time was she there . Man, I thank God daily for running interference . I would have deeply regretted that. I found myself behind her in the grocery store 2 weeks ago. I saw her , she did not see me . Simply , I walked away and shopped until she was gone. I will avoid if I have that opportunity . I have known cow for over 40 years , so it is difficult yet to feel confident about my reaction. But Thunder's comment is what I aspire to I think. If she was dumb enough ( and she is ) to say anything past "hi", I hope I would just turn, dismiss her and carry on . There is no issue running into her within the family as she is not permitted to attend if any of my girls are there .
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I just had a funny thought.
Maybe I should have welcomed ow with arms wide open! Hi, it's so great to meet you...and btw thank you! LOL
He went on to other women after her so I had no bad feelings towards her. She got dumped too.
But believe me it was a blessing for us. He womanized until he was 70 years old and passed away with yet another ow living with him.
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Well, this may tell you what not to do....but this was the early days for me, when my h was playing both sides of the fence. I had two encounters with ow, the first was when I and my youngest found out that she worked in the same department store as my son. Different areas but wow...unbelievable and devastating. I showed up to the salon one morning and requested an appointment with her 😁....anyhow she recognized me as she'd been stalking my life for years at that point, and I saw this thing creeping to the back of the salon to hide, where she frantically called my h. I was really calm and polite to the poor receptionist and just told her to let ow know that husband's (name) wife had stopped by. Months later I had this misfortune to walk into a burger joint and there they were, she looked me right in the face with a very smug look (same person that hid from me months before) so I stopped and looked at both of them, stuck out my hand to her and said "hi, I'm the wife, so you must be the wh$&e". She started to reach out her hand to shake mine and then I guess it sunk in what was happening. My h sat there with a deer in the headlights look and she started telling me how he was done with me and with her now, I just smiled and said what a prize as he's been cheating on you too, with me. I could tell she was shocked but then she says- "oh, I knew he was with you, you're the wife". ( wow!) ya think?
It was so obvious to me that in the battle of wits, she had none. I was calm throughout and this was a short exchange and I gracefully walked away. As I got to the car, the trembling started and I threw up as soon as I got away from the area.
That's it....I had never engaged in any other exchanges with her and she has done all sorts of cyber stalking and FB rages against me, but I have ignored everything.
Adia
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Adia, sounds exactly like something I would/and have done.
My 1st H was a cheater and I twice had encounters with ow's.
Once I saw his car in back of a small bar, I walked in, they were in a booth (on the same side)
so I slid n the other side (H had those deer in the headlights look) and said to Ow..so are you who my H is going to live with after I throw him out? Just as calm and as nice as I could.
She started stammering...no, no...we are just friends, blah, blah..
I said no you don't sit on the same side of the both, with a married man, if you're just friends.
He went quiet, she finally got up and left. I walked out saying to H hope you can find another place to stay. Guess she's not ok with it.
There was another time but very similar.
It felt good to stay so calm, of course I was pretty young...maybe today I would just not do anything. Not sure though. (evil grin)
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Fortunately I never had to face this scenario, however just to lighten up the mood a bit I've been watching Sons on Anarchy and I absolutely loved the part where Gemma picked up a skateboard and clocked the little hussy who slept with her husband!
Only in my dreams......sigh. : ;D ;D ;D ;D
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OH yeah! Gemma was my hero. :)
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Personally I wouldn't meet her. Not my business to. I wouldn't give her the time of day.
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OMG Thunder--I love it. That is straight out of a movie. Impressive.
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It's been 6 months and I still have the blessing of not meeting OW/trashbag face to face. However, I know it will be inevitable at some point that our paths will cross. My reaction will depend on the setting. If it is at a recovery meeting, I'll walk out and go to a different meeting. If it is during an exchange of our S5 or at son's t-ball game or school event, I won't say anything to her or give her a nasty look. I'll pretend she doesn't exist. I really don't think she deserves an introduction and at this point I don't think I should participate in one. She has said awful things about me and is bat sh-t crazy. She does not need to be recognized at this point. Now, if H and OW end up being in luv and together for years, there may come a point in time I will acknowledge her for my son's sake. But, honestly, I don't think she deserves even a "hello" until that occurs. I will focus on taking care of myself and calling a friend or my sponsor immediately after the encounter.
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Personally I wouldn't meet her. Not my business to. I wouldn't give her the time of day.
This is me, too. Never met the OW, despite having been told by my late friend who met her that she thought we were "old friends who'd known each other forever" based on her casual knowledge of me and my life. Yikes! I did respond to at least one of her gross FB comments once on xH's status, and then PM'ed her after BD to tell her to enjoy the jewelry I bought her, especially since it was my birthstone he'd gifted, not hers. ;D Cheap shot. I regret even acknowledging she was a person, because I've learned more about how there's power in not giving them the attention.
I want to caution you, V - you're a powerful manifester! If you're picturing scenarios where you will meet her, guaranteed, you will find yourself face to face. But there are many of us here who have never met these people (even some with kids!), and I have known many divorced couples who co-parent without involving any third parties. It's all business. It's a matter of no longer waiting for what the MLCer is going to throw at you next, but starting to form the life you want, and then their crap, whatever comes up, gets rejected or incorporated based more on your needs than on their demands. 2012, I waited with baited breath for the next email or visit from xH, letting it dictate my day/mood/next step. Now I only respond when it suits me, and usually leave him hanging with the last email. His other antics are irrelevant. I know yours is at that phase where he pushes when it gets too quiet, but honestly, you'll look back on this time someday and realize how much more power you had to ignore him than it felt like. Pickups, dropoffs, legal. That's the only contact you really need with him now.
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Head held high and project confidence, just like if you met anyone else. This is your H problem, not yours or ow. She didn't cause his affair, he was the married man that allowed it to happen. I was happy to meet om as it gave me an opportunity to establish myself as the dominant figure. Now, months after the initial interaction I am happy I stayed composed. The reality is he is a fixture in my kids lives and I appreciate that he treats them well and they seem comfortable with him. We dont have to like it, but those of us with young kids do need to face it with dignity and strength.
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions and also for making me laugh.
I would like to think I could live life never meeting this woman but sadly sharing a child and impending OB (other baby) makes this scenario unlikely.
I feel that the dynamics may be slightly different in a husband-OM meeting than a wife-OW meeting, as I believe that in an affair between a woman and a married man, the affair is an aggressive act on the part of the OW. I think she works out many of her anger and dad issues and jealousy in this dynamic and so for a betrayed wife the situation is actually one of meeting an aggressor.
I of course now months in can see this more clearly as she has won a prize not worth having and does she not realize she has shacked up with a mentally unstable man, and yes that she must be desperate. So my feeling is that I can have empathy for her as well.
Thanks for the comments! And yes if unluckily we do meet I will keep very brief and hopefully would not have to encounter again for some time.
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I would like to think I could live life never meeting this woman but sadly sharing a child and impending OB (other baby) makes this scenario unlikely.
Why? I wouldn't at all. As a matter of fact I would have that written in a legal stipulation.
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I feel that the dynamics may be slightly different in a husband-OM meeting than a wife-OW meeting, as I believe that in an affair between a woman and a married man, the affair is an aggressive act on the part of the OW. I think she works out many of her anger and dad issues and jealousy in this dynamic and so for a betrayed wife the situation is actually one of meeting an aggressor.
Why would this feel different for a betrayed husband? I would think anyone meeting the affair partner would be difficult. I share children and coparent as well but have no interest in meeting her. But if I did run into her I would like to think I would be mature - but who knows what would happen in reality. I hope for your sake you don't meet her anytime soon.
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I suppose with kids and school activities, sports, etc. you will eventually run into her.
It's honestly no big deal. After my 1st H remarried I saw his W a few times. We just said hi to each other, or ignored each other and that was it.
I had no resentment towards her, it was my H's fault. Was she in the right? Nope! But I believe he told her a whole lot of lies about me and our marriage and not knowing me she fell for it.
Stupid but she eventually D'd him, too :)
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Reallytrying, I agree with you than in any circumstance, it would be difficult to meet an affair partner. This was in no way intended to minimize the experience of a betrayed husband.
I do think, though, that a typical OW is different from a typical OM, based what I read on this forum and what I have read about infidelity. I think that OWs tend to be more attention seeking and fixated on the wife than the typical OM. I think most OMs would not seek out the husband, whereas many OWs (including my MLCer's) invite contact with the wife.
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I actually knew who both OW were before H confirmed them. However, OW1 disappeared so no contact with her after H broke it off. MOW2, after H confirmed the affair, he changed her to "friend" status and kept encouraging her to show up things we were doing "as a family". He kept inviting her and her husband to do things with us and he couldn't understand why that never happened. :o ::)
She would continue to insist on only talking to him while her H was not around. She finally showed up at a store that we were in and I met her again face to face after H and I started reconnecting. I was like, what the frenchtoast is this all about? But I went ahead and stood there with my head up and very gracious. All I could say in my head over and over was "this is what you had an EA with? Are you frenchtoast kidding me?" So very much an affair down.
I was more feeling like it was surreal experience than an anger experience. For me, I was already accepting of the fact that he had made the choice so it just didn't generate the anger. I knew he had to work through this on his own. Honestly, I think that he needed to see the two of us together so that he could work through whatever the frenchtoast was going on in his head as he was moving through the tunnel.
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I agree with STL. It's not about anger with OW, I just wouldn't want to bring any negative feelings I had before up. I want to keep all that in the past.
I also agree with the fantasy of having two women/people is a MLC polygamous dream come true, even if the two just meet.
Sick sick sick MLC.
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I think that OWs tend to be more attention seeking and fixated on the wife than the typical OM. I think most OMs would not seek out the husband, whereas many OWs (including my MLCer's) invite contact with the wife.
From my experience, I would agree with this.
I knew the OW many years prior to this due to work, and while she has kept away from me at all costs since BD, at the same time she has stalked me and talked of hacking into my email account, and has subjected me to a barrage of hang up calls.
the affair is an aggressive act on the part of the OW. I think she works out many of her anger and dad issues and jealousy in this dynamic and so for a betrayed wife the situation is actually one of meeting an aggressor.
Clearly a very messed up woman, it creepily appeared for a long time that I was as essential for her fantasy, as I was to my MLCer's MLC two life fantasy.
Finally having a settlement after 6 years has allowed me to now step well away and leave the two of them to it.
Apparently she now has 'cancer'. Not sure if it's the workings of karma or the workings of fiction. Time will tell I guess.
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I think most OMs would not seek out the husband,
I found out OM had inadvertently liked one of W's posts. In them midst of an argument that came up around a meltdown she had over posting her pregnancy status, I told her I knew about him being on her FB and she said she didn't see his comment. She said "he doesn't like, comment or post on any of my posts". It sounded so official, i said do you have an agreement or something? and she said IDK. Really? I was blocked by him soon after. I can only assume they did have some sort of code of conduct.. he violated it, she confronted him and he realized I knew about him and blocked me.
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Its really not about the ow/om. Conduct yourself in a way that is in line with your values and who you want to be. Do what you feel is in the best interest of your son. In my opinion that is dealing with your issues and modeling mature, adult behavior. So many of us lbs want to fight what "is" which really keeps us stuck.
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Both of H's OW blocked me on FB, which I thought was hilarious. ::) ::)
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That was exactly my reaction STL ;D
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DJ, that is a good point as always. I will remember this, thank you!
I think your comment helped me clarify that what I need is a level of acceptance coupled with self respect and knowing my own boundaries. I think perhaps others like me have a habit of considering the other person's feelings more than our own and are attempting to make a conscious effort to change that.
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See, I totally disagree that OP is innocent bystander in all MLC cases. That is a blanket assumption. My H's OW stalked him for years at church and was inappropriate. She has said nasty things about me. Yes, it was totally my H's fault he engaged in an emotional fantasy affair and dropped me for her. However, she absolutely did play a role. I do not think my H's OW should be treated nicely and that I should be fake. I also do not believe I should go crazy or nasty on her if and when we "meet". I feel quite comfortable in my decision to not acknowledge her if our paths cross. She absolutely does not deserve niceties or a phony, "nice to meet you." Yes, some OP are innocent collateral damages of our MLCer's, but not all are. Please consider that.