Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: gman242 on January 17, 2017, 08:01:25 AM
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Mods, I hope this is ok for a second thread..
I've been in a few threads where this has come up and I wanted to post my own experiences. I've been through an MLT and could have been an MLC at one point in my life, if it had gone down a different road.
I know we all grapple what it is our spouses are going through and how we doubt and fail to understand what is really going on. I am new to this with my W, but I'm not as I've had many crises myself. I believe at the root of it, as we so often read, is that it comes from not being adequately quipped to understand relationships, develop self esteem, problem solve and navigate life.
All of my crises were rooted in the same thing: becoming stuck and not knowing how to get beyond it.
Before I met my wife I dated a girl for about 3 and years. I liked her, I really did. She was fun, she had a way of making everything in life special and like everyone else, she had her own issues. But I also didn't love her, I just settled for her because I knew she wouldn't leave me and I wanted to break the pattern of women who just seem to "abandon" me all the time.
Sure we had fun, but as time went on, I became absolutely miserable. Had we gotten married, she'd be on here posting right now about my MLC. I did everything you read about... I snuck off to bars, did all kinds of things behind her back, cheated on her and also was very very angry at her, like she was holding me back.
It all happened because I was emotionally abused growing up, my self worth and self esteem were so poor, I could only dream of having what seemed so easy for other people. It's very difficult to explain what happens to you after all of that, but you learn to settle, to cope and to think your way around things rather than dealing with them head on. The people that do are the ones we are envious of and I wasn't mad at my girl friend, I was at myself because I was dependent on her for emotional stability and yet I was unhappy with her.
I'm not saying that's the case with your spouse at all, but it's one scenario. Like I said, it's the pressure of "being stuck" and being unable to make changes in your life is what does it. It could be work, where we spend most of our time or our marriage, the other half of our lives. But it builds and builds and being stuck and unable to move upwards in our personal development and growth, we start dreaming about and finding ways out.
It was in another thread I commented on that it seems common that many men, who would previously not do so, have begun being interested in hunting, survival and other things. It's a popular, hipster fantasy that's now being sold to younger folks trying to enter a difficult job market. You just need to find a sucker with a large piece of land, convince them to let you live there cheaply or rent free in a shack you build, because of your progressive, hippy idealism and then start your own blog where you can earn your living and become a minor internet celebrity.
As most things goes, it's a false fantasy. A quick youtube search will reveal many, many videos of people who traded down for the "tiny house" life style and regretted it. Aside from the debt (yea those things cost 60k and you need an 50k tow vehicle!!), many relationships have been ruined by the experiment.
When I had my MLT, I was stuck in my previous job. I tried as hard as I could and I felt like that was as far as I was going to get and I just accepted defeat. My marriage was just ok at that point, she was knee deep in avoiding her personal issues and I was content to let her. I had two college degrees and none of the respect I had in my former job and I often joked, all I did was change light bulbs for a living. I was ignored by a lame duck college president, two librarians who wanted to argue politics and kiss the a$$es of the faculty and I was under a microscope constantly.
At the time, there was no where for me to go and boy did I fantasize about quitting. I couldn't move up (partly not my fault and also because I didn't have the self esteem to go out for job interviews) so I wanted out. All I dreamed about was building an RV out of an old truck.. taking an extended leave of absence and driving around the country with my son.
There's always an element of validation to every MLC or MLT. We don't have the emotional stability we need to navigate life and it needs to come from within, it's something we were never given by our parents when we were children. So we join bands, start blogs, join groups, go to bars and find other men and women to give it to us. Our minds go back to when it was easy.. high school or college. You just do what other people do and fit in. These "groups" you can get into are very, very addictive. The attention, validation and support you can get is intoxicating and it's instant.
Maybe I'm unique. I have a strong conscience and the willingness to bear burdens and I did the right thing and broke up with my girlfriend. We weren't living together or married, so the damage wasn't as bad, but it was the right thing to do. I hated my job so I kept putting myself out there until I found one I liked. I really had to suck it up to sit in the hot seat during an interview, multiple times and the experience was good for me.
I don't know what your spouse is going through. But we're all here for the same reasons: we're scared, we want answers and hope.. The only thing that has gotten me this far is realizing that there's nothing I can do about my W's MLC. You just have to live like they aren't coming back, continue on your path of personal growth, protect yourself and your children if necessary and watch their actions for clues. You also have to learn to forgive yourself and accept that it's not your fault that this happened to you. I found that the hardest thing to accept myself.
You can only control yourself and you know your spouse best. It's up to you if you want to stand or not, to listen to advice from your family or not.. etc etc. This is the LBS script and we should have it memorized by now ;D
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Mods, I hope this is ok for a second thread..
What do you mean if it is ok for a second thread? I don't find a previous thread on the matter or with a discussion icon from you. I can only find Wife's MLC 2 and Wife's MLC. Is this your thread story thread? Is this a newa nd first discussion thread where you want to share and discuss something, other than what you have on your personal story thread?
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It's a different discussion from my personal thread.
I've asked questions in the past and had them moved to my own thread, so I just wanted to ask if it was ok.
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I don't know what you're spouse is going through. But we're all here for the same reasons: we're scared, we want answers and hope.. The only thing that has gotten me this far is realizing that there's nothing I can do about my W's MLC. You just have to live like they aren't coming back, continue on your path of personal growth, protect yourself and your children if necessary and watch their actions for clues. You also have to learn to forgive yourself and accept that it's not your fault that this happened to you. I found that the hardest thing to accept myself.
You can only control yourself and you know your spouse best. It's up to you if you want to stand or not, to listen to advice from your family or not.. etc etc. This is the LBS script and we should have it memorized by now ;D
Still trying to work out the insert quote feature! Sorry if it's screwed up. lol
I agree with the above for sure. If it's MLC or not this holds true for all of us.
I've always had a doubt on whether it's MLC with my H. Not sure where or why the doubt comes from......still working on that one. Regardless, there is nothing we can do.....Pave the way may be something we can do, but no one knows what will work and what doesn't work to bring our spouses home. It's all so different yet the same for most of us. Thanks for starting this thread.
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thank you for this gman.
I too, have wondered whether my h was having an mlc or if he just wanted to check out for a while (19 months now). Granted he is in and out and there are things that should have grounded him by now but if you think in terms of MLC, then losing your job may very well push you deeper. They have to develop the strength to do this, whatever it is, on their own. My h being a former Marine with no combat experience, shocks me that he is sinking to levels that I didn't think he would ever know about.
I definitely think his started by dissatisfaction in the job for so long but it stemmed from having everything done for him as a child. He was never given the opportunity to experience adversity and to learn from it. So now, in his mid 40's, he's trying to figure out how to unef himself from this situation he has created!
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Regardless, there is nothing we can do.....Pave the way may be something we can do, but no one knows what will work and what doesn't work to bring our spouses home. It's all so different yet the same for most of us. Thanks for starting this thread.
So many things are similar, yet so different! I agree, it's maddening when you take into account all of the advice you get, online, from family and friends, unsolicited or not..
You can leave the door open... ;D
My h being a former Marine with no combat experience, shocks me that he is sinking to levels that I didn't think he would ever know about.
I definitely think his started by dissatisfaction in the job for so long but it stemmed from having everything done for him as a child. He was never given the opportunity to experience adversity and to learn from it. So now, in his mid 40's, he's trying to figure out how to unef himself from this situation he has created!
We have to learn to be our own parents at some point and we have to go through the journey to find out our own reasons to do it and how to grow.
I don't know what your husband did, but believe it or not, the military is an attractive option for many who didn't get the parenting they needed at home. It's not the discipline they like (or so as one would assume) but the fact that they are told what to do and they just do it and turn their brains off; it's a way of escaping. Enlisted housing is often like dorm rooms at college campuses.. just full of people BBqing, playing video games and being rowdy. They typically go to work, get told what to do and then come home and play. They just tend to avoid the growing up process and extend their high school years.
I'm not sure what your husband did, but having everything done for him as a child was a recipe for failure. My mom was the same way, but she also had a way of setting me up to fail, which is what I consider the emotional abuse. I actually stood up to her the other day, which is something I never would have done before. We were discussing S and his behavior at school and rather than encourage me to practice consistent boundaries and rules, she simply told me "I don't want it enough and I either can't or won't do it". I told her I wasn't disagreeing with her, but she's turning a simple matter of proper parenting into a character defect, which was totally unnecessary. That was the way she talked to me when I was a kid, everything was some character, moral, intellectual or something other deficiency.
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I've asked questions in the past and had them moved to my own thread, so I just wanted to ask if it was ok.
It is.
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gman,
H was actually born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Could do no wrong; poster child for most everything; make sure you always look a certain way, act a certain way. His mom was a teacher so in a very loving and teacherly way she wanted to make sure nothing reflected poorly on her as a parent. so as a high school senior, instead of her son getting an f on a paper, she wrote it for him....WTH???? So now, he has no idea how to get himself out of this mess that he has made.
One of the big things H complained about after BD and during monster was that I told him what to do or didn't give him choices. That is one of the things that he loved about the Marines, following orders and that someone else had to make the big decisions.
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Thank you gman,
I told my H about what you said about the tiny house, quitting your job etc. and your solutions for those thoughts
Who knows if it's helped him yet at least I can say I got it from someone else who went through what he did/is.
Thank you again for sharing your experience and your wisdom. You are apprecited.
~Elegance
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Mlc or not , l've wondered the same thing 4yrs now.
We'd had avery rough few yrs and it effected us both differently but the marriage and our time together basically went to sh@t through all the changes and stresses . Her ways in coping were on my nerves and mine hers .
Lot's of stuff going down for us and her health had gone to total crap too , she even went into early menopause , 39.
She hid depression and l wouldn't talk about my stuff , all so different from our usual selves. Even l wondered if l wanted to be married anymore 100 times.
All the perfect storm for us, perfect.
Bad marriage and getting out , or mlc ?
Still , many have said she's script for mlc , even to affair downing, but that's still going actually so even that maybe not an affair down , maybe it was real , 4yrs, seems weird bc most of them don't seem to last but there are other things too ,
She's together , kept work and responsibilities going , did everything she had too.
To this day l'm really still not sure which one it was tbh.
lt's about closure for me , l'm not standing, but figuring it out. And learning still , how to cope with om's around your kids and things like that.
Every time l think l have it though something new pops up..
l often wonder about the tiny house fad over there, it hasn't caught on here yet .
60k eh , wondered what they were paying for them. l only paid 95 for my new place , yeah it's a renovator but it's huge inside , still quite tidy and has beautiful views and a great block.
But l can see especially guys thinking to hell with this , go for the simple life.
A lot of guys aren't allt hat fussy about what they live in and after 20 or 30yrs of trying in a marriage and all the trappings and bs, only to have it all blow to sh@t and wind up having to fork out money to their ex;s forever in a day - really , who the hell wouldn't think to hell with the lot of it.
Even the place l've picked up is my version of that only trying to do a bit better than that but l sure didn't want anymore of that bs, look where it got me.
So l can get it , damn shame though that some might end up in debt and maybe worse off .
l tried to cover my bases in that and my place will be worth 3x what l paid for it when it's finished and it's also in a very rare and hard to get spot with it's views on the edge of town and what have you so hopefully what ever l do with my future from here , with a bit of luck l've at least got that part covered.
But l can see where the guys are at , for sure.
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Hello, gman,
Interesting reflections...
I believe at the root of it, as we so often read, is that it comes from not being adequately quipped to understand relationships, develop self esteem, problem solve and navigate life.
All of my crises were rooted in the same thing: becoming stuck and not knowing how to get beyond it.
This would very much seem to be the case with my H, who RCR once described as the poster child for MLC...
I could write a book about all the "typical" things he has done that fit this description; from saying that another person would solve all the problems to saying that he wanted his 18-year-old adrenaline junkie lifestyle....
I remember in the earlier years we even talked about this some, that he "gave up at the first hurdle", because everything had always gone so well for him that he had no idea what to do when it didn't.
He of course balked at that, saying that it was all my fault, but not before he paused for an instant -- I know something went in, he just pushed it away very firmly.
I used to be so bewildered, because my H grew up in a close loving family -- the love wasn't questioned, he never even thought about if he was loved or not, it just was so.
If anything, his mother loved him blindly, and there may not have been enough discipline. But I wasn't there, his sister does say that he got away with things she never would have, as he was the youngest, but it wasn't ever anything that I thought of as a problem.
And his father WAS there as a parent, very much so. Kind and loving, from what I could see. Only thing was that they grew up without material wealth, and I know he somehow felt less than for that reason, and for the associated social class reasons.
More recently (i.e. in the last 2-3 years) he has started saying that he "felt not good enough", i.e. that that was my fault; I know that that stems from whatever he felt growing up, though.
What I have observed over the many years since he left is a constant starting of new things, new job, new place to live, new OW -- he has gone through 4 jobs, 4 places to live, and is on OW6. I don't actually know what he is doing for work right now, so perhaps there are more to add to that tally.
Each time he says "NOW I've got it sorted". But so far nothing has lasted, jury still out on OW6, this is the first one he is "officially" living with. (other ones he just "stayed" with....). But she has only been in the picture something over a year, so who knows.
He also finally finalised his divorce, settlement yet to happen; perhaps he thinks that NOW all will be well -- me got rid of, kids are over 18 so no need to feel guilty about not being there, new OW without kids...??
I also fully understand what you say about the military lifestyle; my H has frequently said that he "just wants the rules", so that he doesn't have to think, so that he can just do it. I did try to ask who makes the rules, and how he decides which ones he will follow, but of course that didn't go anywhere.
My H did very, very well in life for many years -- a good job was always there, good family, good house, great lifestyle. I guess the downward spiral started when his father died, a good few years before the crisis itself set in, but I can see the rest from there...
Difficulties with our kids, which affected me greatly, hitting the point in his job where he would have to work very hard to get further, and not feeling good enough to do so, the "usual" financial pressures that come with having a good lifestyle and high-pressure job.... and then throw in a good friend's suicide and all h-e-double toothpicks breaks loose.
And someone comes along who puts the idea into his head that it's all me, he then says "huge relief!! I realised that the problem is that I don't want you!!!"
And the rest is completely familiar to all of us here.
So, a long-winded response, yes, I do think it is an MLC, how they get through it will depend on if they do ever develop those coping skills, or if they continue to jump from thing to thing.. and if they are enabled or not.
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Sorry about the mess Trust.
Just wondering , how long were you together and when was bd ?
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Gman,
I've just recently started wondering about MLC vs. MLT. And I decided, it really doesn't matter. Either way, I need to take care of myself, GAL, detach.
My h has never given me the ILYBINILWY speech. He seems to understand this is his issue, not mine. Even at BD he told me this has to do with his childhood issues. It seems the reason he started the EA with OW is that they related to FOO issues together. He says he couldn't come to me because he felt such guilt. I had cancer about four years ago and it seems it affected him by thinking, how can he come to me with issues after everything I've been through?
Our M wasn't perfect but seemed to be close. But H has always had conflict avoidance issues as well as self esteem issues, so maybe it wasn't as perfect as I thought. His IC told him, it's not enough to say what you don't want, you have to speak up for yourself and say what you do want. So maybe there were things that needed fixing that he didn't want, or didn't know how, to tell me.
He is still going to IC. He is journaling his thoughts to discuss with IC. I see hope that he is not blaming me, or others, and is trying to make an effort to get through this.
But the reality is, he's still searching for happiness outside himself with OW and goodness knows what else. So I continue on with my own journey, but I have hope that he will find his answers and heal.
Thank you for starting this discussion, Gman.
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I've just recently started wondering about MLC vs. MLT. And I decided, it really doesn't matter. Either way, I need to take care of myself, GAL, detach.
Yep. This is all we REALLY need to know.
Everything else on this forum is just venting and trying to pound it in our heads that we are not crazy.
My husband fits every single stereotype for MLC. Every. Single. One.
After almost four years since BD, I STILL wake up thinking, hmmmm.... maybe it was me. Then I start ticking of all of the crazy and realize, no, He snapped, a switch went off and he ran. At this point though, it doesn't matter if it was MLC or he just fell out of love or even he never loved me, he was just pretending....for 28 years. ::)
Through the years I often read other people's thread and I admit I don't think everyone on here has a true MLCer.
So what? It doesn't matter. When our hearts are broken and the other person wants nothing to do with us, we all need to do the same thing. Detach, take care of ourselves and GAL.
It's that simple.
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Amen!
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NAH, could not have said it better.. it isn't what happened, it's how we react to it, we can only control ourselves.
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I was just reflecting on this today.. I realized that in my MLT, I had fantasy affair partners. This was unique to me and my situation, so please don't take it as a criticism upon yourself, but my W's issues, that contributed to her MLC, also contributed to many of our marriage problems.
I suddenly found myself in a corner, I felt like my wife hated me and I hated my job. I guess it's not a surprise to find that I had fantasy alienators either; I had plenty of fantasies about quitting my job and running away, so why not imaginary women to date?
I used to troll facebook, instagram and other places for photos of women and I used to day dream what it would be like to be with them. I had a job where I had a somewhat public face, I worked in a library at the time and there was always a steady stream of young college girls and faculty members that passed through and I was more than happy to let the ones who did, flirt with me.
It made me feel good about myself to see that I wasn't the loathsome person my W made me out to be. I'm somewhat older than my W and for me, i just wanted to be married and to move on with my life and be happy. For her, I don't know.. the stability did nothing for her and she felt trapped and miserable from the stresses of being a new wife and parent.. I was more than happy to take them on after being single and miserable dating losers.
The upside is, as you can read in my thread, is that she's now starting to appreciate me for who I am and the upside here is if your husband is more fantasy prone, the MLC clean up may be a bit easier.. you just delete some photos or inappropriate material off of the computer.. That's what I did. I overcame my acceptance of what was simply handed to me and I decided that despite her own issues, I did love my W and she was worthy of my love and respect, so I went through and got rid of all those photos I had collected.
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Good for you! ;D
The real thing is always better than a fantasy. More work, but much more gratifying.
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gman,
Thank you so much for sharing your story about the imaginary fantasy women and pictures.
Sounds so much like my H!
First time I've saw on the board someone with his same problem yet his is definitely a MLC unfortunately not a MLT.
So glad you were able to overcome and realize reality is so much more worth it.
I often read your thread because it gives me inspiration.
Thanks so much for sharing.
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Gman,
I'm sure my H had fantasies in his head, too. I think it's safe to say most men do at some time, or Playboy magazine would not be so popular :)
I think the problem is when you act on these fantasies. I would bet after bd my H probably had pictures of skimpy dressed models in his locker at work (I'm guessing). But all he could do was fantasize about ever really meeting them....and come on these pictures are of 19/20 year old girls who are airbrushed to perfection.
They look beautiful and men are very visual creatures.
He never went to the level of porn, but even then, don't most boys/men look at that stuff? I'm not stupid nor am I a prude. It never bothered me he looked at semi-dressed pictures of women as long as he KNEW they were not real, but fantasy. Is that woman in a magazine or on the Internet really a threat to me? Of course not.
I'm just glad you saw that by keeping these Internet/magazine picture it was not going to enhance your life or better it. That's why I said good for you. :) :)
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Even when I was happily married I would sometimes develop a small crush on someone, I just didn't act out on it.
It's normal to fantasize, it's when it takes over your life it becomes a problem.
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I agree, hon :)
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They say when if anything intereferes with your daily functioning, its a problem. And yes it did and so it was, for me anyway..
Yes, you can liken it to looking at pictures of sports cars or sail boats you never own.. You fold up the magazine and the fantasy ends.
For me it wasnt that way. Id get up early on the weekends and check message boards of creeps who scour the internet looking for womens photos.. I went to lengths to hide them..
My wifes behavior caused me to relapse into all if the issues i had in my youth and being so hard on myself is one of them. Mix that with low self esteem and I had a hole I couldnt climb out of.
Ptsd didnt help either. Right next to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, pornography addiction is one of the lesser known issues with it.
Long story short, no i didnt act on it and the damage would have been less if it was found out about, but i hid it, i did it at work, i lied about it.. I snuck around to do it.. I guess that was kind if my point.
I guess i dont know if i had one other than i read about fantasy APs and thought it was ridiculous until i reallize i had them myself..
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Even when I was happily married I would sometimes develop a small crush on someone, I just didn't act out on it.
Same. And the same was true of pre-MLC Mr J.
It's normal to fantasize, it's when it takes over your life it becomes a problem.
Agree.
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Before I met my wife I dated a girl for about 3 and years. I liked her, I really did. She was fun, she had a way of making everything in life special and like everyone else, she had her own issues. But I also didn't love her, I just settled for her because I knew she wouldn't leave me and I wanted to break the pattern of women who just seem to "abandon" me all the time.
Sure we had fun, but as time went on, I became absolutely miserable. Had we gotten married, she'd be on here posting right now about my MLC. I did everything you read about... I snuck off to bars, did all kinds of things behind her back, cheated on her and also was very very angry at her, like she was holding me back.
Maybe I'm unique. I have a strong conscience and the willingness to bear burdens and I did the right thing and broke up with my girlfriend. We weren't living together or married, so the damage wasn't as bad, but it was the right thing to do. I hated my job so I kept putting myself out there until I found one I liked. I really had to suck it up to sit in the hot seat during an interview, multiple times and the experience was good for me.
Forgive me but I think I'm a little confused by the above. It sounds like you're saying if you had settled for this girl and married her, you would have eventually had an MLC. Are you asking if what some of us think is MLC is actually our spouse finally ending a relationship with someone they didn't love but had settled for.
When I had my MLT, I was stuck in my previous job. I tried as hard as I could and I felt like that was as far as I was going to get and I just accepted defeat. My marriage was just ok at that point, she was knee deep in avoiding her personal issues and I was content to let her. I had two college degrees and none of the respect I had in my former job and I often joked, all I did was change light bulbs for a living. I was ignored by a lame duck college president, two librarians who wanted to argue politics and kiss the a$$es of the faculty and I was under a microscope constantly.
At the time, there was no where for me to go and boy did I fantasize about quitting. I couldn't move up (partly not my fault and also because I didn't have the self esteem to go out for job interviews) so I wanted out. All I dreamed about was building an RV out of an old truck.. taking an extended leave of absence and driving around the country with my son.
I think this sounds like my H. He developed a hatred for his job, although he previously hadn't hated it, but it was clear around the time of BD that he was very unhappy with his work. He said he felt "trapped," "stuck," etcetera. I don't doubt he was feeling unfulfilled, but the extreme irrational hatred of his job and feeling so desperate to make a change I believe was a product of distorted thinking due to depression and anxiety.
The difference I think between your MLT and my H's MLC is in your second paragraph above. You fantasized. My H made the fantasy real. He quit and moved 1000 miles away without divorcing me, without taking care of what needed to be taken care of, nothing thought out, just hoping he could rewind the clock, start over and it would all fall into place for him this time.
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gman,
The more you reveal, the more you sound so much like my H.
I feel I can finally breathe again like yes, it will be ok.
You bring me such a sense of relief!
I can't thank you enough for sharing.
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Forgive me but I think I'm a little confused by the above. It sounds like you're saying if you had settled for this girl and married her, you would have eventually had an MLC. Are you asking if what some of us think is MLC is actually our spouse finally ending a relationship with someone they didn't love but had settled for.
This question is perfect for the title of this thread.
Sometimes on this site, It just might not be MLC. Really doesn't matter if it's MLC or not, the person who is left is still heartbroken and must do the same things.... detach, take care of ourselves and GAL.
So I often talk about my sister and her MLC boyfriend. Is my sister in a MLC, I don't think so. She's just selfish, a typical alienator. She dated her now boyfriend in college, he left her and married someone else behind her back. They were apart for over 20 years. My sister married another man when she was about 40 and they had two kids. I don't think she ever really loved her husband. He was a great guy, did everything she asked, still was never enough. I often felt bad for him.
Then the other guy started calling, and boom, she was done with her husband. Not an MLC, just selfish.
So what did my ex-BIL do wrong? Not one thing. Just like everyone on here, he was heartbroken. He detached and later on met someone else that appreciated him.
The boyfriend, MLC?? Oh Hell, yeah. I see it in his eyes,... every. single. time. He can't look at me. It's always a quick glance and then away. He knows I know. Is he happy? Not even close. He is just stuck with his decisions. Will he ever go back to his wife? I really have no idea.
So, yes, my sister with her husband settled for a relationship with someone that she didn't love. She was 40, never got over her college sweetheart and wanted to have kids. She used a great guy and broke his heart for her own selfish agenda.
Her boyfriend, I think, decided maybe just maybe the grass would be greener if he chose the other woman so many years ago. I'm sure it was exciting when they were having an affair and my sister was always ready and waiting. Typical, isn't it? Now, however, the fantasy is over and he is stuck with a selfish person and life is no better, just the opposite. They have all the drama of trying to mix two broken families. My sister went from all smiles and giggles when he was first around back to her old self of "me, me, me". Guess he made his bed.
So looking back with our rose colored glasses off, we can decide if our spouses "settled" or if they really had some kind of break down. Either way, it still doesn't change the one thing that we can control,... our own actions. It's that simple.
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Yeah that's what I was saying.. I may have been accused of having an MLC. I liked her, but I did settle, I just didn't realize it until when I did. We were always in that rut of working on our relationship.
Yes, I'm sure some people settle and jump ship when something else comes along, those are the exit affairs. For me, I did like her and for all intents and purposes we should have had a good relationship, I just didn't love her. I think the exit affair people are selfish and conscious of what they're doing; they're deliberately misleading the person they are with. Me, I just gave up and tried to make it work until i couldn't lie to myself anymore because I didn't think anything better would come along or that I was worth it.
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I get ya, gman.
I did the same thing after my husband left. I broke a few hearts and vomited my exploits all over HS. Since, HS is filled with broken hearts it was not the best place. What some misunderstood is I was trying to explain the difference. Not all affairs are MLC affairs and not all divorces are MLC divorces. Sure, it still hurts when you are the one who is left and you still must go through the process of healing.
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It seems as if h has detached from his family members. He used to have a good relationship with them and would send them silly memes. But in the past couple of months, they have had to text him first. Unless he wanted to ask a general question. He's also a bit emotionless. Has a female "friend" he talks to every day but denies being with her. Yet she's quite inquisitive for just being a "friend".
He is going out of state mid March. For a week. To see "an old friend". But this is out of character for him as he has never liked traveling out of state before.
The morning of BD, he kissed me and told me he loved me before he went to work. An hour later, I got a text from him. "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "After taxes come back, I'm filing for divorce." And, before, he would have been ok with shared custody but now he wants full custody of S 5 1/2 and D 6/2. But admits I'm not a bad mom.
I don't get it. I'm tired of trying to figure it out but can't seem to help myself. We talk about the kids but nothing else. He hasn't said anymore on d or custody.
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They say when if anything intereferes with your daily functioning, its a problem. And yes it did and so it was, for me anyway..
Yes, you can liken it to looking at pictures of sports cars or sail boats you never own.. You fold up the magazine and the fantasy ends.
For me it wasnt that way. Id get up early on the weekends and check message boards of creeps who scour the internet looking for womens photos.. I went to lengths to hide them..
My wifes behavior caused me to relapse into all if the issues i had in my youth and being so hard on myself is one of them. Mix that with low self esteem and I had a hole I couldnt climb out of.
Ptsd didnt help either. Right next to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, pornography addiction is one of the lesser known issues with it.
Long story short, no i didnt act on it and the damage would have been less if it was found out about, but i hid it, i did it at work, i lied about it.. I snuck around to do it.. I guess that was kind if my point.
I guess i dont know if i had one other than i read about fantasy APs and thought it was ridiculous until i reallize i had them myself..
These posts I was talking about gman. I don't know about porn with my H, yet the rest is dead on his sitch.
Just so glad you shared. And you too Anjae. I feel so much better it's not just me in this type of sitch.
I, well my H was accused of being so much sicker than just MLC because there was no actual person, only pictures which hurt me deeply. Because I came to this person for support, yet got judgement instead :(
I see no difference between an actual A and one with pictures only. From what I read in RCR articles about wallowers, that describes them perfectly.
gman, how did your W respond to it? Did it cause problems? How long did it last for you?