Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: MoreWillBeRevealed on January 17, 2017, 06:55:34 PM
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I swear my H is on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. Right now my only concern is my son. H lost 40 lbs in 2 months, is most likely using drugs, looks like he aged 15 years, and face is shallow and bordering on creepy looking. Just wondering if other MLCers have breakdowns and even end up on the psych ward. As every day goes by I worry about his mental state when he has our son. The transformation since BD is astounding and awful.
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MWBR, I have had the same question recently, especially as my MLC-H is now purchasing guns. I too feel he is getting worse.
He too has aged and looks "off." I mentioned on my thread his eyes look like Robert Durst's eyes in "The Jinx."
It is not hard to go low contact because I get a creepy feeling like you describe. We also share a son and my concerns are similar.
I have no idea what you wrote about being hospitalized. Sometimes I think it would be good for him but of course only if something could be identified as being the cause and then treated.
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I thought my xh was well on his way at the 6 week post BD,. He was a mess the week before filing for the D, and had a car accident the day after filing, which he never told me about. He was still at home at the time, and I found the accident report hidden along with the D papers, which he hadn't yet filed. I went and checked out his car and it did have damage, and the report put him at fault. Just shows his state of mind at the time he filed for the D.
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I don't really have much to contribute, and really don't want to alarm anyone, but there was a guy at work...I don't know anything about him-whether he was MLC or not. But he did have affairs, and go through d. Outwardly he was always joking, laughing, cutting up. Well built, blue-eye'd blonde guy. High paying position. I would gather a "real catch" in most woman's eyes.
Unfortunately, as it turns out...he was extremely depressed, and took his own life...
Just one article I found on the subject:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/suicide-men-50s-causes-1.3263412
-T
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I believe my husband had a complete breakdown... no question in my mind. He did end up in hospital. I further confirm this because he tells the marriage counseller.. " I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown". When my husband was "crazy" he absolutely looked like a man suffering horribly. The time period he was still at home he was always "red faced", horribly slitty eyes, tormented and very angry .
Almost "dangerous" angry. My intuition often "alarmed" that this person is dangerous. Horrible horrible, because never had I felt that. I remember sitting on the deck on either side of a glass patio table and my instinct was to move away from the glass .. and I did. I felt he could have smashed the glass with 1 blow. He went one day to help my daughter whose car broke down on the highway ... he was so enraged she immediately started to cry... she too "sensed" a stranger. He demanded that she drive his truck home ... all kinds of firetrucking words flung at her. She cannot drive his truck... it is HUGE and she cannot do it so she refused . She called me in hysterics .. "what is wrong , what is wrong with daddy ??? ".
I told her to take her purse and just walk. Just keep walking away.. do not drive that truck! . OMG! The only thing that saved us was that her girlfriend was very comfortable with trucks and offered to drive it . She said to me daughter " your dad is a very scary guy". He NEVER was. Later that week at a family event , he grabbed my 4 year old granddaughter ( off her feet) because she made a whole in the lawn, filled it with water and was happily playing . It was the beginning of deciding he had to go... and he was out of the house 3 days later.
He came to my work 93 days later. Sobbing,shaking, snot and he was purple. On his knees in the snow with my rings asking me to help him... "you have to help me Barbiedoll, I need help please .... what have I done , what have I done ??"
Security guard , people staring, my work mates looking out the window... just the worst disintegration of this man. He was hospitalized. When he was released , I let him stay on the coach . He slept for days. I absolutely know that his therapist told him , he should have been hospitalized months ago. Trust me... he slammed the bottom of his life very very hard. He has been in therapy ever since . He once said " I did not have an affair , I actually had a total breakdown in all ways and that was just another utterly stupid thing I did when I was out of my mind " ( not a true affair). Hmmmmm??? Really ???.
Unacceptable . ... but I know what he means because therapist has explained it to me . It remains unacceptable . YOU had an affair PERIOD. Three years later ... still trying to recover . He talked about suicide and how he would do it. Depression almost had another victim.
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My opinion is, the MLC itself is a mental break down. How many do you hear about, when they come out of it, can't even remember what they did during this time? They were in some kind of weird breakdown.
I think the depression can cause them to go really over the edge. Some are more depressed than others and do need help, but most can and will eventually come out of it.
One said afterwards it was like a black curtain lifted and they could see again.
Quite scary for them, I'm sure.
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I was away from my husband 3 months due to something unrelated to his MLC shortly after it all started. When I came back, I found him looking as if he had aged 5-7 years in those 3 months, and he had dyed his hair in the meantime! And this is someone for whom aging is part of the whole thing so to see him age like that was a bit shocking. The other woman wanted him to grow his hair longer but he let her cut it and it looks like a rat's nest and he doesn't even seem to care. Before he cut it himself and it always looked so nice. He also put on some weight and he had been at the same weight for almost 2 decades.
Can't say there is a mental breakdown but definitely a physical one.
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My opinion is, the MLC itself is a mental break down. How many do you hear about, when they come out of it, can't even remember what they did during this time? They were in some kind of weird breakdown.
I think the depression can cause them to go really over the edge. Some are more depressed than others and do need help, but most can and will eventually come out of it.
One said afterwards it was like a black curtain lifted and they could see again.
Quite scary for them, I'm sure.
Could Not Agree More!
My wife absolutely had a nuclear meltdown at least twice...and they looked completely different from each other. One time she seemed truly possessed and the other she was almost catatonic and paranoid. They were both scary as heck. And my wife would mirror what Thunder said...she has almost no memory of so much of it, described it as an out of body & mind experience.
BB
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Hey MWBR,
I do feel MLC is a total metal breakdown also. If had children, I'd be concerned and wary of leaving them alone with a MLCer, not because I feel they would do any harm to anyone purposely yet because of their irresponsibility, lack of awareness and age regression.
Also, because what they say and see is completely different than reality.
I hate saying things like that because we are talking about my MLCer as well who I do love dearly.
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Agreed with others that MLC and breakdown are synonymous. The drugs at an extra level of instability and uncertainty to the situation as well. Do what you have to in order to protect your child.
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One more that agrees that MLC in itself is a total breakdown.
Alcohol, drugs, affair, other MLC activies are just covers and, like Ready2 sais, add an extra level of instability and uncertainty to the situation.
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My husband is also right on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I mean, seriously, who gets in their truck, steps on the accelerator and drives right through their house??
I am constantly waiting for a phone call with bad news. It is so scary. This morning, H said to me: "I don't feel good today. I feel like something bad is going to happen. I don't know what. I just feel it."
Okay. Thanks, honey. Have a good day, too.
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I just have a hard time understanding how they function on a daily basis, if their mind is truly such a mess?? How can the people around them at work, in public, etc not be aware something so drastic is happening? No one is that good of an actor. No mask is big enough to cover such a gaping hole.
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Beyond, that's what I don't get. H is a totally different persona at work, with OW, and to our recovery friends. Can't they see what I see? It's crazy! Sometimes I think the general population is as crazy as the MLCer because they don't seem to notice.
As far as my son...I have consulted with my attorney and unfortunately there isn't an event other than the significant weight loss that can stop me from H seeing him. She said if he keeps losing weight or does anything stupid we can petition the court. Unreal. I'd be in big trouble (cops would be called) if I didn't let him see him. The good news is that I think S5 offers H some sort of sanity and stability through all this for the brief time they see each other. Plus, much of the time, H dumps S5 off with his sister or daughter.
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On the breakdown thing , l think it's highly highly possible for some.
l know my ex was going through so much and she'd been at a lower point than ever before in her life.
l actually felt she was having a kind of breakdown for sure.
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I want to backtrack a bit. I don't feel they have complete mental breakdowns because 1) not all MLCers are alike 2) Some MLCers have a 9-5 jobs and acts totally normal.
If it were complete breakdown, they wouldn't be able to switch it on and off and everyone of them would be in the same state of massive confusion and unable to care for themselves alone.
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Yeah, he darn switcharoo is what is crazy. But, I do believe in my H's case he is dealing with immense guilt, shame, and denial. That alone will make anyone a bit crazy. Working so hard to present a facade is exhausting so no wonder he looks so old and weathered.
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IMO there are different degrees of mental breakdown, as others have said....
I think the OP (forgive me if I am wrong) was talking about a complete breakdown where they become suicidal and a danger to themselves.....
The private investigator I contacted to find out who my H's OW was, (long story but it was to protect myself) told me he himself had a MLC and during it had been sectioned twice, the second time he was put on SSRI's which helped him back to normality and which he still takes to this day (they dont work for everyone BTW).
BUT from personal experience I know there are different types of breakdown and some can mean you can function to the outside world but inside you are a zombie going through the motions, its only in hindsight you realise you have spent a few years not thinking or feeling which is possibly how MLC feels...
From my research into MLC I have seen it described as many things, some examples are as having an out of body experience, being possessed, having two people in their heads, not being themselves, not in control, feeling as if they are in a movie/dream....I guess its describing a similar experience in a slightly different way...
I do believe, as I have said before that as they start to come out of this many fear for their own sanity....wouldn't you, if you had done such crazy things.........things that go against your moral code, things so out of character??? it must be terifying
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1trouble, you described it perfectly. I predict my H will be full of regret a year or two from now. H will have to deal with not only guilt and shame for how he behaved, but the regret and realization he destroyed his wonderful happy life. I have a strong intuition that has been right on point and that is what I foresee for him in the future. I represented stability, serenity, a "home", true partnership, fidelity, real Love not Luv, and sanity. OW represents none of those things and neither does he right now. It's gotta be awful for him and WILL be awful when he "snaps out" of this.
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IMO there are different degrees of mental breakdown, as others have said....
I think the OP (forgive me if I am wrong) was talking about a complete breakdown where they become suicidal and a danger to themselves.....
Two years before BD, our good friend (who was in our wedding) hung himself in the woods near his house. He was 46, left his wife and son years before, had nothing to his name. Such a shame, I'll never forget his laugh. He also happened to be my first real kiss when I was a teenager. :'(
The week my husband left me one of his high school friends committed suicide. Shot himself in the head, he had just lost his job. He was married, had a son, and a twin brother who was shocked. Why didn't he talk to anyone?
Needless to say, when days after BD all my husband asked for was his guns (a new MLC hobby he had received his license and bought the guns the year before BD), I was not only dealing with the shock of BD but the very real fear that this new alien that use to be my husband was going to kill himself. His eyes were wild and crazy, like nothing I had ever seen before (we even discussed possession on one thread, I still think its possible).
So I called his good friend who he still saw twice a week b/c they were in a (MLC) band together. They were good friends for over 25+ years. His friend called me back about ten minutes later and said, "Don't worry Nah, I just talked to him, he's fine". :o :o :o
How did this conversation go?
Friend, "Hey dude, Nah thinks you are depressed and might hurt yourself, are you ok?"
MLCer, "She's crazy, I'm OK"
Friend, "Cool, see you Friday"
Most men just don't talk about this things. Maybe that's why it's mostly men that seem to go through this nonsense, they just bottle it up and float through life.
So for those of you who are early into this and seem to think that their MLCers are fooling everybody else, well for awhile maybe. Anyone can wear a mask for a short time.
So this friend,... long story short (trying, so much has happened over the years)...
Husband is a very talented singer and our friend plays bass. I was heartbroken due to BD AND I could no longer see the "band friends". I was now the outsider. I would go to the bass players company (he owned it) and I started dating one of his employees. Anyways, in the early days I would cry all over him and dig for information (yes, we all do it in the beginning). He would shut me down with "I don't knows" or "sometimes men fantasize about younger women, it happens".... again more salt in my wounds.
I stopped asking. I thought, maybe it was me, maybe husband fell out of love and I was the crazy one.
THEN>>>>
One day (maybe 1 1/2 year after BD) the bass player grabbed me and pulled me into his office.
He broke down...
"Nah, I can't take it anymore, there is something wrong with him"
He went on and on about the Leavers misplaced anger, drama, not the person he knew all these years. The bass player at first thought it was the pain of divorce but realized once I was really out of the picture, the leaver got worse and worse and started pointing his finger at our friend. Our friend said, "I feel like he hates me and I don't know why"
Sound familiar?
So since this episode, he was kicked out of the band.
He also was fired from his job and whole 25+ year career because of rumors through the grapevine that he is "not himself".
He joined another band with new people who didn't know him (or me),... lasted about a year. They just posted on their page, "A new and improved lineup". If they left on good terms they would have wished him luck, they didn't.
Now he joined ANOTHER band. Old friends from grade school, (another long story but), this couple was here for me at BD, we were their best man and maid of honor at their wedding 25 years ago. Our daughter was their flower girl. They recently turned their backs on me and rekindled their friendship with him. For almost 4 years I have vented to them about his craziness. They can pretend but they know the real truth. What they don't know is he is just not the person they think he is.... they will find out.
In the past I would have been on my knees broken hearted that more backs have been turned and he seems to waltz in,.... now I just smile to myself and think, "oh boy, this is going to be good." ;D ;D There will be a honeymoon period, bc, like I said, anyone can wear a mask for a short time. Then, he starts to point his chubby little finger at everyone else.
I'll just sit back and wait for the, "Nah you were right".
I know. 8)
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SBXH dropped S5 off today. Looks like absolute death. Really bad--deteriorated since just last week. Skinnier and face caving in from weight loss. Looks like a total crackhead. I'm calling a new lawyer tomorrow. At least SBXH showed concern last week when we got a bad report from S5's teacher. That didn't last, though. Instead of agreeing to spend more quality time with S5 he dumped him off at SIL's. Definitely better for my peace of mind since SBXH looks unstable and creepy.
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Mine too, yet it's what they have to go through, unfortunately