Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: memyselfandi on March 05, 2011, 07:21:00 PM
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I've seen lots of comments regarding the 18 month mark but no real definitions on it's what is significant about it. Thought starting a dicussion on it may shed some light. Not really sure that we can come up with any substantial answers but just wanted to know what others have read/heard about it.
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There is a key contributor on another board that has said the worst parts of his MLC lasted about 18 months.....basically saying he spent roughly 18 months in Replay. I think RCR has indicated that her research shows Replay at up to 2 years or more.....and of course this is definitely not a one size fits all....just generalizations and averages based on what we do know about MLC.
I guess it falls under the whole MLC takes time thing.
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I am someone who has talked about the 18 month mark, reading other sitches it seemed some people observed a change in behavior around that time, including those who got back with their spouses. That is, some, not all of course.
I noticed a change at this time (I am now 2 years post BD). H spent 18 months partying hard, that started to wind down about that time significantly. It was as if he had burnt out the energy he needed to burn out. He started to focus on his financial responsibilities for the first time and actively try to solve them about 18 months. His financial situation had caught up with him, and he needed to, but previously he had just ignored it. He also started to compliment me for the first time since BD, "the house is always clean, great outfit" etc. It was as if he took another look and was surprised to find I was not all bad as that had been him image of me for the last long long time. About 18 months was the furtherest H went from me emotionally, in that he seemed to be running prior to that, and stopped running so hard around that time. Replay continued, as did OW, it seemed to mark the end of the hard, active replay in a gradual transition. Those activities were not working anymore.
Focus also came back on his kids around the 18 month mark. Instead of just baby sitting them and having fun with them, he became more interested in parenting again. He started to recognise they had changes in their life too, and was prepared to work with me on issues such as anxiety in on of my kids etc. Previously, they were fine, nothing had affected them etc.
Two years on, H continues to try to pull his life together. He is still pushing for a divorce, which will be on the cards soon. He has not had any thoughts to getting back with me, I am in the friendly ex category. He is still in replay with the OW still present and that getting more serious, although they did seem to brake up for a short period a couple of months ago. I see H now starting to work on his big issues one at a time, his financial situation, on the right path now, his work situation, he has gone from trashing his reputation to getting positive feedback again. He still has other, deeper issues he has not addressed, and I do not believe he has taken ownership of what he has done, although he sees it from time to time.
So I did see change, movement through the tunnel, but the length of the tunnel and what will be on the other side of the tunnel remains unclear. This is an example of the two stages of replay some talk about, the hard first part, then the lower level, but still replay and avoidance of deep issues that is the second part. The length of this stage depends on the issues that need resolving, and the ability to do so.
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In my case my MLC'er was running for the first 18 months, then was living like a hermit for approximately 6 months and then he started running again in the form of clubbing with friends, leaving his girlfriend with the kids and take up traveling again. I think that's him not being able to look within himself, feeling the depression coming and he's start running again, avoiding his issues. I am now at the 2,5 year mark and I see no change what so ever.
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Knowing what I know NOW (my H had a EA or maybe PA?) with his ex-wife. It started some time in early 2009. He took a trip to see her in August 2009 (she lives in another state). By, March 2010, he emailed her, telling her that he was divorcing me for her. BD in May. He moved out in August. I think she dumped him sometime in September/October. I guess my H has more energy than I thought! (That's a little joke - as I had thought he was a low energy MLCer).
So. Where does that put him? I would think he has been in replay for 18 months to 2 years.
He appears to be involved with OW#2 (high school girlfriend) - but this does not appear to be giving him the "high" that ex-wife had. He makes comments like "I have nothing left but my job", "I was delusional when I wrote those emails" etc. But, I can't really believe anything he says.
What do I see? I see that he had gained weight (in BD is was in better shape), his world is crumbling - as his lies have come out. But, is he ready to face what he has done? Is he ready to take responsibility? No, I see more running. He admits that he hides and hides some more.
I don't think we can every really see the timeline in the moment - we really can't see it until we are looking back. I know that there is a long road ahead.
I guess my H will show what he is made of, show if he has the courage and strength to fix himself. Nothing that I can do about it. I know that.
L
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I guess my H will show what he is made of, show if he has the courage and strength to fix himself. Nothing that I can do about it. I know that
L,
You and I think too much alike! I feel this way as well.
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Laurescan
I think the timing is from BD. So I think your 18 month mark will be Nov.
Mine will be Sept. If I'm wrong hopefully someone will chime in.
It will be interesting to see what happens in that time.
Butterfly
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My understanding is that timing is from BD. I also saw much replay activity at least 12 months before BD, it was like they try out that path, decide it is for them, and the BD is the decision to go down that path formally.
So 18 months is from BD, which seems to tie in with replay in general lasting a minimum of two years from BD.
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I have just passed the 18month mark. BD was Oct 09 and he left home Nov 09.
I don't know how significant this point in time is. In my sitch, emotionally this is the furthest I have been from my H since the start of his MLC. We have absolutely nothing to say to each other. Most of the time I am NC/dark so try to stay out of his way as much as I can when he visits the kids. I do not contact him at all about anything and feel we have drifted so far apart I wonder whether we would ever be able to find each other again.
He has always been a clinging boomerang with regular touch and goes. They seem to have stopped. Whether temporarily or permanently I have no way of knowing. Maybe he has decided his future lies with OW I don't know. Occasionally he does text me, usually over something totally random, like a song he has heard on the radio and it brings back memories of when we were still together, or like a text I received a couple of days ago, about a TV programme we used to like and how he misses watching it.
I still have no inclination as to whether there is any movement for him in the tunnel as he is still deep in replay, spending most of his free time with OW and his new friends.
This could take forever.
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Interesting stuff, just after 18 months for me marked BD #2, not sure that their is really any significance in the 18 months since I believe each case is different.
But lets continue to get different inputs from the people on the board and see if anything comes up.
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My 18 month point was Feb 2010. There was a def change in H approach. Up until then he can been very confused and sailed close to home constantly.
In Jan 2010 he withdrew particularly from me initially and then the children. No texts, emails or phones all of which I was getting prior to Feb. He became more and more distant until Oct 2010. Then the odd text started again. Infact my H behaviour mirrors Glimmers in that even when he visited he would leave the room or ignore me if I was near him.
I believe that from Feb 2010 he was in the deepest part of the tunnel and since Oct 2010 he has been in awakening but still lives with OW and boy she is taking some shifting :-\
xx
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All I can suggest is, know the stages but don't put any numbers on how long it lasts because they all vary. Besides counting the days/months/years won't help in your detachment. It sounds like some EXPECTATIONS are attached when it comes to counting days.
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Ece
I agree. There should be no expectations attached to reviewing our journey and that of our H/W.
But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.
BUT newbies should not attach any significance for major change on their time line. This should only be done retrospectively.
xx
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I am just wondering if my H was in this whole mess before we got M?? If you have read my long and drama filled thread.....I reconnected with my HS boyfriend after 20+ years.....right before we reunited.....he was having an A with a married women (he was single, she was married with 2 other kids and her extended family devout Mormons)...a love child was bore from this affair. Long story short...she has stayed with her H and they live as a family (she was not willing to break the religious ties). My H has a tremendous amount of guilt over the A and more so over the child that he is not apart of her life.
With that being said, and now seeing all this mess....we have been M 2 years and dated 1 year before we got M. He was 42 at the time we got M and had never been M or really in a long term committed R......as the A with the younger girl (she was 15 years younger than him at the time and he was her BOSS) he had before we were ever M.....the A with her lasted on and off again for 2-3 years. He told me 8/10 that he was not happy and wanted to be alone.....he was having to had a time adjusting to being M. I begged, cried and he stayed out of guilt.....then he said the same thing 11/10. He stayed again as my grandfather had just died.....I thought things were much better after the holidays and BAMB........he leave like a thief in the night 2/18....moved in with his mom, until he could get the renters out of his house he had before we M. He moved back into it April 1.........my R is different in that he does contact and wants to date and see how things go...he has never done the SPEWING.....so many speak of. So I am in a bit of a different sitch....I am 90% sure there is no OW (could be dead wrong)...but he is just not the player type.....yes he had a A with a M woman.....but my H is 45 and had sexual relations with less than a single handful of women and has been single till he was 42...and that number includes me from our HS days.....so he is not the type to hop in the sack with various women.
Sooooooooooooooo.....some have told me they do not even think he has MLC, rather bipolar....but he has a tone of the signs and says the same verbage.....but research and looking back....does anyone think he was in REPLAY back when he had the A with M woman, before me....and maybe he is depression/withdraw now...do they run in those stages???
Help me out here.........
thx
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Ece
But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.
xx
Justasking,
I understand... I just think that the best way to get numbers is to recall the events after the crisis not during. Even if you read the stories of people that successfully navigated through are from recollecting them, it didn't sound like they were recording them as they were going through it. Just my .02 cents.
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Ece
But if we are to have greater understanding in the longterm about the journey then we as LBS become important carriers of information for research. It is therefore important that it is recorded.
I understand... I just think that the best way to get numbers is to recall the events after the crisis not during. Even if you read the stories of people that successfully navigated through are from recollecting them, it didn't sound like they were recording them as they were going through it. Just my .02 cents.
Everybody rewrites history, changing their personal narratives according to current perceptions. The process of how we navigate this journey and negotiate our change with ourslves is important for understanding what we go through. At the end of the story, we just get another version.
If we could quantify everyone who goes through something which could be classified objectively as MLC, and then assess the outcomes, we could "get numbers". But numbers wouldn't help us anyway; we would never know if we would be the x% who succeed or y% who fail; believing one thing or the other may change how we navigate our journey, and may mean we don't detach enough to complete it.
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As a confessed data geek, I love this discussion. Some people find comfort in statistics, others feel fear, or shame, but no matter which side of the fence, you are on, I read an essay when our kid was diagnosed with cancer (which he didn't have, but that's a long story) by Stephen J Gould called "The Median Isn't the Message." I think it was OP who said MLC is like cancer--it really is, and this essay is pertinent to anyone facing either challenge. The risk in trying to quantify anything is that each and every one of us is still just one case, and we could be the outliers...
But for the sake of data collecting, I am only at 15 months, and by 18 months, the divorce will be final, I will be started in a new career, and a single parent with my ex moved across the country to be with OW, so I may never know the end of his story...
I tend to get comfort from those statistics, but
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My timeline is odd because H revealed affair in 2009 and ended it and stayed home...I believe this may have interferred with replay. He resumed the affair at the end of 2009/2010 and just recently I am seeing some of the changes that Storm Rider spoke of ...actually very much like Storm Rider. He has just started to recognize issues in the kids and other such stuff...like how the situation is hard to take...before he would have been WHATEVER. OW is still on the scene very much but he's starting to glimpse at home in some ways which are hard to explain but just noticing home more and asking about me. His BD #2 was around April last year...this was the biggie when he said he would leave.