Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Reallytrying on April 09, 2017, 07:52:22 PM
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New thread time 😱
Quick recap - married 18 years. BD 9/13, moved out 8/14. Ow discovered 7/15. D-14, S-12. H is a boomerang for sure.
Most recent drama - attended funeral with mil this weekend (have to read last posts on my last thread to get caught up with that madness). Spent lots of time together with her. H used the time to take the kids to see ow.
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Hi RT,
Following along. Are you home now? Boy that was a crazy weekend, for sure!
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Welcome to your new thread Really~
You know after reading your last post (besides being mad as h@ll at your H ) I realized this MIL that left the "coffee mug" out is the same MIL that says such ridiculous things to sweet d..... honestly you wouldn't expect anything else from her!!
Sending strength and encouragement !!
(hugs)
31
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Attaching to the this chapter of the crazy train.
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Attaching onto the crazy train!!
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Thanks all for staying on the train with me.
31 - you are right. I can't accept anything else from mil. She is who she is. She did text me last night to make sure I made it home safely. The funny thing is crazy as she is i Know she loves me - she just doesn't know how to show her feelings appropriately.
I got back last night. H texted me to let me know there was pizza at the house. He almost asked me to grab his prescription for him when I said I was stopping at the pharmacy - then he caught himself. He stayed about 2 hours after I got home. We were watching a sporting thing that we always watch together. We chatted about stuff from the funeral and family drama. I didn't mention the lady who wants to come after him obviously 😂😂😂. At that point it was just me and him chatting. D was upstairs S had headphones in.
I noticed he had an overnight bag. I do think it's interesting that he didn't take the kids to his place. He slept in the couch and showered in the guest bathroom. S told me d slept in my bed - it's clear she wasn't giving him the opportunity to sleep in there. S commented that d stayed in my room most of the time. He commented that she's avoiding dad a bit.
D mentioned that ow daughter didn't speak to her. She also commented that ow did not speak to them. S said the same thing. Apparently she didn't meet them in the city. They met her and her kids after to see a movie. D commented that dad is mean to ow. At one point she says he yelled at her - calling her by her name that she uses at work not the name she prefers. Both kids commented at separate times that they don't act very pleasant towards each other.
I just don't get it. I really really don't.
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Attaching :)
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Attaching
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D commented that dad is mean to ow. At one point she says he yelled at her - calling her by her name that she uses at work not the name she prefers. Both kids commented at separate times that they don't act very pleasant towards each other.
I just don't get it. I really really don't.
It is this knowledge that reminds us how lucky we are to be out of their radar during this "trying" time. Any person that actually wants to be with someone who mistreats them must certainly be damaged in so many ways.
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I continue to be fascinated by their "relationship". Just...why? Why would either of them accept what they have? It sounds mechanical.
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Definitely doesn't sound like a relationship going anywhere but over.....
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Continuing on the path with you, RT.
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Attaching Really! Wouldn't miss a moment what with funeral girl thinking of making a move on your H, and you looking sexy in the oranges isle, why watch TV?
Two things, your MIL not knowing how to show her love, I think you're totally right about that. But she also seems to have a little catty side, which likes to poke and hurt at times. Like the mug business, or mentioning your H's girlfriend in front of you. I wonder where that stems from, maybe jealousy, or maybe she's hurting so she needs to hurt you back. You're the therapist so you would know better. But your MIL sounds a little like my sister.
Your H not sleeping in a bed in your house might be because he's scared to. Either of giving you the impression that he is comfortable at home and then you might think he's coming right back on a white stallion with 100 red roses, or because he's scared of admitting it to himself. So he makes an outward point of not being at home. The couch is where teenage friends stay over.
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KIT - that's a good point. Only a damaged person would insert herself in this type of situation in general.
Medusa & onward - I truly don't get it. It seems so cold & mechanical but yet it's been going on for a few years. Something is holding them there.
Milly - lol. My life the soap opera. If this was tv I'd meet my new man while reaching for those oranges and we'd live happily ever after 😂😂😂
As for mil - I do think she's an unhappy person in general so can be catty. I think there is an insecurity in who she is that inspires jealousy. For example, if she sees nephew with me (or someone else) she'll often call him over. She definitely needs to be the focus of attention so she will do or say things to maintain the attention - even if it might be hurtful to others.
I think h does want to pretend he's not comfy in my house - hence he'll sleep on the couch. Even though it's clear from his behavior that he's pretty comfortable there whether I'm there or not.
Yesterday he was pretty distant at first. Almost like he was making up for being comfortable at the house. We were at S game. Eventually he relaxed and we were chatty. I even picked up his prescription for him and he offered to fix something for me. Today he's sent 2 jokes to me - one he says this is for "your" daughter. That's a running joke for us when the kids are acting up we say they belong to the other. That's the first time in months that he has sent a joke on social media.
Last night SIL sent me something saying that my nephew said I always love him so that's why I'm his girlfriend (he's 3). She said they were discussing family and she told him that "aunt RT was his family" and that was his response. I appreciate her reinforcing that I'm family - especially since she knows we are separated and that her brother is messing with OW.
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Hi Really,
I just wanted to say sometimes people get really addicted to drama type relationships. It's the only big tie they have with each other. If things calm down one of them has to start the exciting drama again so they can reconnect.
I've known 2 couple like this, their not happy unless they are fighting or having drama going on. They feed off each other.
Being that MLCer's get addicted, that is most likely why they stay together. Both are very un functional people right now. One of them has to want to get away from that for them to break up.
They can act hateful towards each other but in a sick sense it keeps them together. ::)
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Simply put He is messed up and unhealthy in an unhealthy relationship!!
goes without saying OW is even more messed up!!!!
Yippee for SIL!! She is not messed up!
(hugs)
31
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Hi RT,
In addition to what Thunder said, another SWAG might be that he/they are just trying to show that they did NOT make a mistake... If they keep plodding long, they didn't firetruck everything up, right? Probably even more so for H than for OW.... She's just broken......
He, on the other hand may not wish to admit he royally screwed up ... Because that would mean taking responsibility and having to admit failure.... Pride goeth before the fall....
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most definitely ! Your H must humble himself and admit to all his mistakes. It takes a while for the weak MLCer to work up the strength to do that!!
Time.... and if Reallytrying is still around once he finally works up his courage and strength he wins a wonderful prize!! His wife and family!! If she is gone and moved on he is definitely the loser in the mess he made!!!!! OW will never ever be that to him!
As always Really you continue to be the guiding light to his darkness, hope he doesn't take too much longer!!!
(hugs)
31
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Thunder - I said the same thing - maybe he needs that drama in his life right now.
31 & um - good points. It would be a large bite of humble pie to admit that you screwed things up.
I realized that H has recreated his parents relationship with OW. Emotionally distant, maybe even a bit hostile, but you can say you have someone. Very little emotion necessary.
Today was a pleasant day - the weather was awesome and genuine flip flop weather always makes me happy.
H has been really present for S the last few months - hope it continues. S told me late last night that there was an honor roll thing at school today. I couldn't go but h said he could. He got there and texted me about the program then sent me a video of S getting his certificate.
Later he texted to say he wasn't feeling well. I asked if he thought he'd be ok to go to S game and he said it didn't look good. When I was almost there he texted to say he was there but that he was going to wait in the car until S game started (another game was going on before) - he was trying to avoid the pollen. He sent me the name of the park it was in and where I could park. Once I got there I was walking towards the field and he asked he if I wanted to wait in the car with him. I declined saying I would go watch the end of the early game. I texted him soon after to comment that the game was only at half time. His reply was that he was bored so he'd come watch. So he came and sat next to me. We had a pleasant time watching the game - it was the least tense it's felt between us in awhile. We laughed at my mom accidentally face timing h yesterday - she didn't even realize it was FaceTime. He said he was waving and she didn't even look at the camera 😂😂😂.
After the game I saw that my late best friend's grandmother had died. I wanted to text h to let him know - she and ow have the same name. I was about to text that "ow name" had died 😱 I re-thought the text and sent a picture of the obituary to him instead. This lady was very sweet to me when I first moved to the US. Will be so weird if h and I go to the viewing together - they all knew us when we were dating but very few of them would know about our current separation. Best friend died almost 16 years ago so we don't see the family as often anymore.
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I have friends visiting for the weekend. The girl and I have been friends since we were 3 - she's who I went to vegas with. We used to hang out a lot as a family group. They haven't seen him since before BD. When I told him they would be here he seemed genuinely happy to get to see them. This morning he texted to see what we were doing but they had gone into the city - we didn't go because S had practice. He indicated that he'd take s to practice. After practice my friends were back and we all sat chatting and laughing and listening to music until 11pm when h said he had to leave because he was guiding early in the morning.
He golfed this morning, is apparently golfing tomorrow and told my aunt he couldn't come to easter dinner because he was golfing. D was a bit upset that he wouldn't likely see them on Easter.
He is still not feeling well. I had suggested something he could take but he didn't seem interested and I try not to mother him so I didn't say anything further. Today he texted to say he was stopping at the pharmacy. When he got here he had the 2 medications I had suggested earlier in the week. He commented that when he was golfing his friend suggested that he take these. I couldn't help myself - I said isn't that the same thing I said. He then said "yes but you aren't a pharmacist". Ok then. I had no response. So bizarre.
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Bizarre, indeed ;D
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I am definitely in a grumpy mood today. It was a tough day at work and it's frustrating to not have anyone to share that with some days. The kids are on spring break and we're home today. I texted s when I was leaving work and he commented that h was coming to pick them up to take them to the mall. I don't get why he wouldn't just text me to let me know - it's common courtesy. I might have chosen to stay at work and get some grading done if I had realized.
They get back from the mall and he has bought s 5 pairs of jeans. S has gotten taller and slimmed down so his pants are a bit loose. He apparently commented that s's pants were too loose and bought them. On one hand I don't care that he's out with his kids. But on the other hand I feel judge when he makes comments like that. And I definitely resent having him come in and be the hero. I know I need to let it go. He didn't see nor contact the kids all holiday weekend but then shows up today like the fun uncle. And who buys 5 pairs of jeans at once for a growing kid who wears a uniform to school.
S, h and I always watch car racing together. The race came on yesterday but we didn't watch it because s was waiting on his did. When they got back from the mall s commented that dad already watched the race. Selfish much? He knows s waits for him to watch it. Ugh. I'm so over him tonight.
I'm going to my friend's grandmothers funeral. H mentioned tonight that he's going as well. No mention of us driving together which is a bit of a relief. Will be interesting to see whether we sit together or on opposite ends of the church.
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RT, look at the jeans as a good thing for you!! Husband is trying to win son over, but do you really think son could care less? I'm sure he doesn't think about it at all. And, less stress for you now that you don't have to go shopping.
I agree about the frustration of a hard day and having no one to share it with. All I know is my husband thinks I have the easiest job on the planet, so when it's a very frustrating day, I just think how miserable my husband must be to not listen to me or validate my feelings, and that just makes me realize once again how deep in MLC he is. I then have empathy for him and move on with my day.
Anxious to hear about the funeral. Who knows, who cares? I would just seat myself wherever you feel comfortable and let him make the first move ... if there is a move to be made. Who knows? He could be trying to show his "good" side, so I wouldn't be surprised if he sits right next to you.
Keep us posted on that one...
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Never - we walked in together and are sitting together - though not sitting very close to each other. He thought I was going to work after - hence not driving together I guess. Who knows?
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sorry you are attending yet another funeral Really~ nice of you but can drag you down for sure! Add in an MLCer H and uggh!! I believe it is time to take back your joy!! It is time to focus on Reallytrying again! Enough of his selfish all about him attitude! I am serious and I am sensing by your "so over him" remark you are ready to let go of the rope!!
How is the running going? what about a night out with friends? time to plan
something really fun and H does not need to know a thing about it. No game playing just start thinking of yourself first again!!
Just my 2 cents, ignore me if I have overstepped!!
(hugs)
31
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Just look at it as amazing that he thought of S for once, rather than himself. And Uncle dad has to focus on superficial things rather than looking at the real damage he is causing.
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31 - it may not seem it based on the things I post but I have been pretty focused on me. His shenanigans are thankfully less frequent and they rarely faze me anymore. I'm actually in a good place in general where I feel relatively content. Yesterday was frustrating mostly because of work - he just sort of added on to it. So did knowing we were going to the funeral together - wasn't sure what that would be like. Just yesterday I let him know that I was going to Europe with his sister - had to let him know because he'll have the kids.
The funeral was tough. It was in the same church as our best friends was and grandma's grave was right next to hers. Brought back lots of good and tough memories. We sat next to each other and rode to the cemetery together. It was weird at times because most of those people have no idea we are separated. But I am very glad we went - I know it was appreciated by the family and stupid as it is our love of this friend is something we will always share (she was maid of honor in our wedding).
He left to go back to work. I'm on my way home. The kids are on spring break so I get an unexpected afternoon with them.
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Ah yes, the fun uncle Santa Dad to the rescue! So annoying. I hate crap like that jean buying too. One time I forgot to pre-buy a lunch for S10. The kid barely eats a lunch to begin with and they have all kinds of snacks for those that don't have a lunch at school anyway which S10 probably would prefer. Oh boy, you would have thought I stabbed S10 in the heart the way H relayed lunch-gate to me. And mind you, I am the one who not only arranges for AND PAYS for the hot lunches, but also for the brown bagged lunches. But, if its any consolation, my guess is your S could not care less about the jeans.
Sorry about yet another funeral. Hugs friend
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Good to hear !! The shenanigans can consume us!!!
I am sorry the funeral was so tough, reminders or memories or triggers or whatever you'd call it are very tough, will be interesting to see if H was out of the fog enough to feel it too!
Try to enjoy your afternoon with your spring breakers :)
(hugs)
31
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Just look at it as amazing that he thought of S for once, rather than himself. And Uncle dad has to focus on superficial things rather than looking at the real damage he is causing.
Honestly he's been thinking of S pretty consistently lately. If there usxreconnection occurring it is definitely between h & S.
Ah yes, the fun uncle Santa Dad to the rescue! So annoying. I hate crap like that jean buying too. One time I forgot to pre-buy a lunch for S10. The kid barely eats a lunch to begin with and they have all kinds of snacks for those that don't have a lunch at school anyway which S10 probably would prefer. Oh boy, you would have thought I stabbed S10 in the heart the way H relayed lunch-gate to me. And mind you, I am the one who not only arranges for AND PAYS for the hot lunches, but also for the brown bagged lunches. But, if its any consolation, my guess is your S could not care less about the jeans.
Sorry about yet another funeral. Hugs friend
You know exactly what I was meaning. Ugh. It's my issue though. I need to let it go. It is what it is right now and uncle dad is better than absentee dad.
31 - funny you should ask about the running. I fell completely off the wagon when I got sick. I've been walking consistently. H asked if I would mind taking S to practice today so that he could ride with his riding group. I'm using the opportunity to start back with the running in the park while he's at practice. I'm hoping I'm not too far behind where I had gotten to.
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RT
Sorry for the loss of your friends GM and the memories it brought back
Hope you take some comfort they are now together and both, I bet, will be batting for you and H from where they are now xx
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Yes, sorry for your loss RT, and that it has caused some triggers and wobbles. What a lovely picture 1T has painted, that your friends are watching down now and cheering you and H on. :)
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RT - Hang in there. You have so much to deal with right now and I too am feeling the end of the semester. I was just thinking I wished I had someone to come home to that would know what it is like. The end of the semester is brutal and to have to add MLC to the mix - oh, not fun. :) Work provides with enough meltdowns this time of the semester - students who suddenly decide maybe they should do some work is draining :)
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1T & LH - thanks. I have often thought that my friend was up there wishing she could smack H 😄 She was without a doubt the person who knew us the best as a couple. People always refers to her as my best friend but he loves her as much as I did. That was clear at the funeral as he was looking at the pictures. He even came to show me some saying "RT the pictures with best friend are hilarious you need to come see" and then we went together to look at everything. They really were hilarious and I said to her mom best friend would not be amused by some of those and she chuckled. They are a special family who treated me and then by extension H like family when I first moved to America to go to college. Her death on 9/11 remains the only thing that rivaled the pain of BD.
MD - it's a mixture of student foolishness and departmental annoyance that got me on Monday. For a brief period last night I was all caught up with my grading. However, assignments and the dreaded 10 page papers get handed in today so I'm back to grading in all my spare time.
31 - I show up at practice ready to run. I'm in my pants, sports bra, and flip flops 😱 Completely forgot to change into my sneakers. SMH! I wasn't amused, but I did at least use the time to get some grading done.
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Is there such a thing as spare time during this part of the semester? LOL
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SB, I am sorry the funeral was such a rough time, but when isn't one, especially throwing MLC into the mix.
I had to laugh when you mentioned your running gear and flip-flops. Doesn't it just tick you off? I have done that numerous times. Finally, I brought an extra pair of everything to work to keep in my drawer ... just in case.
Yuck. Grading 10-page papers? I can't imagine. Why did the teacher make them do a 10-page report?? LOL ;D ;D
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MD - no spare time anymore. Just need to get through the next 2-3 weeks then a bit of a break.
Never - I always grumble about the 10 page paper. Unfortunately the type of class requires a 10-12 page research paper. I'd much rather grade tests any day!!!!!
Thankfully no teaching tomorrow and the kids don't have school. Looking forward to a few days without the alarm clock.
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It is the little things - like no alarm clock to deal with that gets us through these days ;D
I too am grateful that I haven't had to set it most of this week. Although my dog seems to think we are still on some schedule - LOL
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Today was a crazy day. I decided to go to the gym for the first time in forever. I've been working out consistently but at home and running. All was going well and I was actually enjoying the class I was in when I began to feel lightheaded. I eventually sat down and it seems like I either lost consciousness briefly or at least went pretty fuzzy. Next thing there was a fire truck and ambulance and people running in. They talked about transporting me to the ER but then decided against it. My blood pressure and heart rate were a bit high but nothing excited. The paramedic thinks I was just dehydrated. I know that trainer is thinking please don't let that lady set foot in my class again 😱
I texted h once it was over (habit is an interesting thing). He responded instantly asking if I was ok, telling me where Gatorade is in the house, and telling me he thinks I should go to doctor just to make sure all is well. He texted a couple hours later asking if I was still ok. After I got home I lay on the couch for a bit with S hovering over me but all seems to be fine now.
While heading out to walk the dog I noticed that the hedges were all trimmed - they were not when I left for the gym this morning. I texted h to say how odd that was and his reply was "sorry I forgot to mention that I asked them to take care of that". He's not around when they cut the lawn so he didn't just run into them he had to have called. So odd.
He was pretty chatty today and yesterday after relative distance following the funeral. S had a baseball game on Thursday and we sat next to each other but didn't really talk much. Friday he took S to baseball practice - he has really be consistent with being present for s's activities the last few months. When he dropped S home I was just leaving to pick up D from hanging out. He called a few minutes later to say S had left his baseball glove in the car and did I mind swinging by to pick it up since I pass his place. That always feels weird - to "swing by" his place. I still have never been further than the garage - last couple times I haven't even turned off the car. But I do think it's interesting that the first 2 years he was gone he didn't even give me his address.
I know I shouldn't but sometimes I can't belp myself so I looked and OW hasn't liked his recent posts on IG but she's liked everything SIL has posted. So it's not that shes no longer active. So odd!
In the meantime I have been invited to participate in a program at an Ivy League school this Summer and SIL and I continue to plan her bday trip to Paris & Rome.
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Take care of yourself :)
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Oh dear RT :(. It wasn't long ago that you had a sinus infection was it? Maybe you're still not 100%. Take care.
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Thanks MD.
LH - it was about a month ago that I had that. I thought I was fully recovered. The really frightening thing is that I was feeling perfectly fine all the way until suddenly I wasn't. It happened so quickly. I felt out of sorts all day after that with a faint headache but thankfully woke up feeling ok today.
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I think something like a sinus infection can tend to set the body back a bit even if we think we feel better. I'm glad you feel better today. :)
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RT that is so scary--glad you are ok! Dehydration can really wreak havoc! Take care.
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Most of the time H doesn't surprise me or deeply upset me anymore but every now and then he does stuff that truly makes me sad at who he has become.
There was a concert that D had been wanting to go to. On the spur of the moment yesterday when I saw that tickets were still available and not too expensive I thought she and I would go. I texted h to let him know and see if he was available to come hang with S. S is 12 and I know capable of staying alone, however, I do not like to leave him alone late into the night especially when we are far away. For us to go he would need to be alone from about 6pm to at least midnight. If he's alone that late I will not relax - even d was not ok with him being here on his own that late.
H said he could come. I texted about 15 minutes before we left to say we were leaving. His reply "ok". I asked s to text me when h got here so I could relax. S texted a bit after 9pm to say that h had arrived. My guess was he was originally planning to spend the night at OW - so I guess ok some level I should appreciate that he changed his plans to help with his kid. Then a bit after 11 s texted to say "dad left by the way".
Seriously? H said he was tired - which I figured since he pushes himself hard on weekends. I get that but he could have put S to bed and dozed off on the couch - he doesn't live far. Instead, he leaves. S isn't comfortable going to bed when there is no one else in the house. D and I didn't get home until almost 1am - there was S waiting for us. He didn't look fazed in anyway but I am stunned. D was quite upset that he left S here. My original H was so not a deeply selfish person that it is hard to reconcile at times who this man is. And it make me sad to see him chip away at the beautiful relationship he once shared with his kids.
D and I had a great time at the concert. I am so grateful that we have the type of relationship where she doesn't mind doing stuff like that with me. I am also grateful that the kids are older so that even if H isn't full participating we can still do spontaneous things. I have another concert coming up in a couple weeks with my girlfriends but that one won't be a problem because I'm ok leaving them when they are both home.
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MLC selfishness, indeed. ::) Wow- I think I would be sad too.
Glad you and D had a good time at the concert ;D
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They just can't give TOO MUCH of themselves, can they? >:( >:(
Sorry he left him alone, Really. I guess next time maybe someone else should be asked. You just can't count on them to do the right thing. :-\
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Hi Really,
I totally understand why this gets to you, how inconsiderate and unreliable!
Reading about your experience with your H brought back how I felt last week when my H announced that he will arrange flying back to where he now lives before D8's 9th birthday party starts. I still don't get why a parent who declares that they deeply love their child would do that.
Puzzled
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Really, first of all how lovely that you got to go to a concert with your D. What a treat for both of you!
Regarding your H leaving S, it's just so disappointing isn't it? I asked my H to look after S12 this past winter. It was during the day but all day, so I could go to my girlfriend's 50th birthday do. H said ok, then took S to Florence and showed him all the places he went to when he first met me, then took him home, couldn't open the door, the "keys wouldn't work" so left S sitting outside the house by himself in the middle of nowhere, in the cold with no coat for 2 hours until I got home. H left and went off to OW I think. So I totally get your frustration/anger/disappointment/sadness. It's unbelievable. They just can't be trusted.
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Hope you truly are feeling better Really! You should look into you getting checked out, passing out at a gym class is not normal and MLC takes a whole lot out of us LBSers. Please promise to have a check up?!
As far as H and leaving S12, he sure shows he's in crisis with that one!! Selfish all about H again. I've got nothing??? Maybe he left for OW who knows. She does sound as though she is a bit miffed with him at the moment.
Love the fact that you and D went to the concert together, what a fun mom!!!
(hugs)
31
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Yeah, if nothing else convinces you he is in crisis, THIS most definitely will. Not that this is any kind of excuse. I cannot imagine leaving my S10 alone AT NIGHT. Heck, even at 16-17. It is scary. Sorry you had to deal with that.
But thankfully it is over and you are back and your S knows his mama will never abandon him! Love the concert with your D. How fun--I am going to WWE with S10 next Monday. 8)
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RT, that is just so sad to read about. Who in their right mind would leave their child when they are still awake at that time? Just goes to show you their heads are not screwed on right.
I'm glad that your son was not fazed. That is very good. Otherwise, that could have done a lot of damage.
I guess next time, I would just call a sitter to make sure he will be watched over the way he should be.
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RT,
Wow. Just wow. As if you needed any further confirmation that he was in crisis.
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So RT, I have to ask: is there a consequence for this behavior? I would have been absolutely furious had X pulled so,etching like that. I don't care how tired you are...sleep on the couch.
To me is one goes way beyond gift-gate. The welfare of a child is at stake. His child. Personally, I, beginning to think perhaps it's time for you to give him a push. No more foretrucking organges, hanging out at night when he wants to. RT, he is cake eating. He gets to have his family and his girlfriend. He has got to understand that this behavior cannot go on indefinitely.
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I'm glad you and D enjoyed the concert together RT. As for H leaving your S at that time of time, at any time in fact, it is illegal in this country to leave a child home alone until they reach the age of 14 so he would have committed an offense if it was here.
I don't blame you for being very disappointed in his behaviour. Honestly, they are so thoughtless and self-absorbed at times! >:( I'm glad S wasn't fazed by his behaviour.
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Been there. I took D to the movies and S11 was hanging out with H at his place. When we got home from the movies at 10:00 every light in the house was on and S was home by himself frantic and sacred. Really? I could not believe that H just dumped him at home all alone. >:(
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Can't believe it's been a week since I posted. Not much going on in MLC world but I've been super busy otherwise. It's the end of the semester and I am buried in grading. D was sick again this week- just a stomach virus. She missed school from Monday afternoon - finally going back yesterday. Her doctor note accidentally said she could come back to school Monday so the school made me come get her 😱 Poor thing she was so tired of being home so she ended up coming to work with me.
I was supposed to run in a 5k today but the doc wants me to see a cardiologist after last weekend's episode in the gym. I can't get an appointment until Monday and my mom begged me not to run into I've been checked out. My friend and I walked and had a blast. It was like a party at the finish line.
Thankfully h continues to be responsible when it comes to taking s to all his sports and practices - he hasn't missed a Friday night practice yet. I was grateful because it allowed me to relax a bit last night.
Now I just have to really get working on my grading or I'll be in serious trouble 😱
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It is better to be safe than to risk your health and walking was a great compromise :)
Sorry to hear that D is sick again. Poor thing cannot seem to cut a break. :(
Grading - what is that??? LOL ::)
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Sorry to hear about the impending doctor visit but glad you did the race and walked.
I'm with MD....what's grading??? Lol.
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Quick update - the cardiologist says he didn't see anything alarming on exam today and thinks all should be fine. He is running additional tests to be sure but says I'm good to go to exercise 😄 He very carefully reminded me that now that I was older ....😱
D went on her first date yesterday 😱. I picked up her little fellow and dropped them off so they could get ice cream and walk around. H picked them up and dropped him home. I was actually very surprised that he was available since he was around Friday night and all day Saturday because S had several games until Saturday night so I expected him to be MIA on Sunday. When he dropped D home we shared a brief moment of awe that our baby was growing up 😢
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Really, I'm really pleased to hear that you're health is good. At least you got a check up out of this scary moment and know you're doing just fine. How sweet your D is on her first date. I remember that feeling with my two Ds. It's bittersweet. Glad your H is participating in the experience.
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RT, I agree with Milly. I'll bet it made your daughter feel extra-special, too, to have both of her parents there for her "special" moment.
It's during these times you probably just want to scream: "WTF is wrong with you? We could have life so perfect. Wake up."
Anyway, I am glad the test results came back good for you. Getting older? Who is he kidding?? You're never to old for anything until you don't wake up any more!!
Enjoy the experiences ... kids grow up so fast, it's too hard to imagine. It's true when they say that time really does fly.
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Glad you went to the Dr and at least got some piece of mind and everything is okay.
You are in the final stretch at work, and then you can really relax a bit :)
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RT,
So glad you got a clean bill of health!
What a beautiful moment to cherish, your D's first date! I am happy your h was part of it as well, I'm sure that made it even more special for d.
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Great you got a clean bill of health RT, but I think your doctor is dreaming when he says you are older? He's treating you like an 80 year old!
If we are fit we can do almost anything we like but just keep away from extreme sports ;D
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Thanks All. The doc was actually saying that things you could get away with before you can't get away with now - like not fueling your body properly. He wasn't saying I was old just saying I have to take better care of myself - now that I'm older .... Basically saying that I needed to make some changes which is true. In particular, I need to increase my water consumption. So I'm on a quest to begin to drink lots of water again. But it was nice to be able to get back to exercising last night.
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Ah, yes the "drink more water" diagnosis. I know that one well :) My D is really good at that and reminds me constantly.
Glad you are back on track and exercising again :)
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good to hear you got an "all clear" ! Exercise to so important on so many levels!
The good fuel thing is right, I have noticed and made changes as I am aging..it really helps!!
first little date for sweet D.....so it begins :):):) mine are both married but I still remember the "fun"!!
Just found out our S and DIL are expecting a girl in October !!! Seems the "fun" never ends with kids!!
Sounding good Really!
(hugs)
31
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Congrats 31! I new baby is always so fantastic!!!!!
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Congrats 31!!
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31,
How exciting! I can't wait to be a grandma!! I have grandbaby fever lol.
Congratulations!!
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Thank you so very much!! Nothing better! I have a granddaughter and grandson already and they are such a blessing and bring so much joy to our lives! this new little girl will be the cherry on top for sure!!
(hugs)
31
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Congratulations 31! :)
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An interesting shift seems to have occurred with H and the kids. He is much more available for the day to day busy work of dealing with them and much more considerate of my time. Last weekend after he finished golfing he came to pick up S to take him to sports when I had assumed I would have to do it. Then as I mentioned Sunday was available to help get d home. He even called s on a day this week he traveled for work to see how practice went.
S sports schedule is very intense right now so most evenings we are out so h hadn't been to the house since he dropped d home on Sunday. Yesterday he brought d home from school - for no reason - just because she asked. I had gone to the store and bought air filters for the AC returns in the house but hadnt yet changed them. They were leaning up in the kitchen. When I got home with S, after yet another game, last night the filters were gone. I asked d what happened to them and she said dad changed them when he brought me home. I won't lie im super happy that I didn't have to climb up to try to reach the returns - and I wouldn't have asked him to do it.
S has practice tonight and h has plans to race his car out of town. He told me about this several months ago. I have plans tonight. I mentioned this to h but said I'd go after s practice was done. This morning he called to say that based on the racing schedule he should be back in town to pick S up from practice. So I will drop him but h can get him and then I don't have to be late.
On the health front the doc said the stress test looked good. I was wearing a heart monitor that was supposed to stay on until Monday. Last night I broke out in hives all over my chest and was told by the doc to take it off. I take Benadryl and drift off to sleep only to be awakened by the sounds of the dog throwing up on my carpet 😱 Good grief! This dog!
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RT,
Sounds like a positive shift for your H. At least he is remembering he has children and responsibilities, good stuff!
As for you, glad the stress test went well. I have very sensitive skin, and break out from any type of latex, which is very hard for things like that. When I was going through chemo, I couldn't wear the anti nausea patches as I would break out from it. Hopefully they will have enough of a reading from the time it was on, or can find another way to do it for you.
Hope your pup is okay! I have a Great Dane so when he throws up....he REALLY throws up! Lots of clean up :o :P
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Your H sounds more awake and less 'foggy' RT. It can only be a good thing if he helps around the house ;) Sounds like the dog needs more attention at the moment! We love them but they can be a lot of work sometimes, just like our H's ;D
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Last Friday he race was canceled and S practice was canceled - bad weather. H came over which surprised me, figured he had a free Friday night he'd spend it with OW. I had plans so eventually I left. I told D to let me know when he left. I was going to a friend's house in the neighborhood. Before I got there she texted to say he was leaving. She then said "he can't even pretend that it's not you he comes to see".
H continues to be very present with S. he always talks to the kids in the morning before school but now the conversations are longer and more meaningful. After S games last weekend he and h went out shopping while I went home. He's pretty hot and cold with me as always - some days chatty other days distant.
On Wednesday I had plans to meet handpuppet for dinner. I asked h to take S home after his game so I could meet her. I told him I had dinner plans with a friend. He seemed fine when I asked but then was pretty distant at the game. I honestly thought he'd hang out with the kids while I went out but he just dropped S home and left. My mom swears he was bothered because I have plans often now and he doesn't know any details. I had a lovely dinner with HP.
Next day he was super friendly - texting and telling me about work. I filled him in on some family drama. First time in weeks that we've had a substantive conversation. He also texted me about plans he has next weekend. Telling me where he was going and making sure I'd be ok getting S to sports.
Friday S's practice was canceled and h arrived anyway. He hasn't missed a Friday night here in 2 months. He left with D to go shopping. When he had come in S and I had been discussing how much we wanted ice cream but I was too lazy to drive out. He called on the way home to ask what we wanted from the ice cream place 😱
D mentioned that h had been in a great mood as they were shopping for mothers day stuff for me and then all of a sudden he got cranky. They got 2 dozen roses for me. D said she mentioned that I liked tulips and h said that they always get me tulips so he thought they should get roses. He then apparently said that he remembers once when he got me roses that I liked them so much that I kept them by my bed. He also asked her if she was sure 2 dozen was enough.
This morning she said that she shouldn't tell me but clearly wahted to debrief the shopping trip. She mentioned that they were looking for cards and she decided that she and S would make me cards. H said he needed to buy a card. D assumed he meant for OW and said she got annoyed. He was looking and she said "will be hard to find one since you don't have kids together". He then says "what are you talking about?" So she said aren't you looking for a card for your girlfriend? He responded "of course not! Why would I buy a card for her? I'm looking for a card for mom". Such a bizarre exchange.
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S was supposed to have 2 games yesterday but they were canceled because of field conditions. I let h know. We hadn't really made any plans because we were supposed to be at the park watching S from 1-7pm. D texted him to ask if he was bringing dinner since plans had changed and he said we should get dinner. At first I was annoyed because we really means me. But then I let it go. The kids and I headed out to drop off flowers to my aunt. She asked what we were doing and I said going out to lunch since there were no games. She immediately got excited - said my cousin was on his way and we should go with them. Which we did - my uncle bought dinner and we had a lovely day with them. Growth is an interesting thing - couple years ago I would have been hurt by him not bringing dinner or whatever. Now - it stung for a second and then we just kept it moving. Thankfully his power over my mood is greatly diminished.
SIL sent me a generous gift voucher for Mother's Day. I was actually quite surprised and touched. I am pleased that my bond with her has survived her brothers foolishness. Our vacation to Paris & Rome is booked and she and I are very excited.
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Really, he is definitely "seeing life goes on" and that is a good thing. I have no doubt he wonders about it! I remember my H telling me after reconciling that one day my BIL (h's brother) said to him " so, H what is it you want, what is it you expect of 31?" She is going to live her life, you can see that. One day she will of moved on, then what will you do? He said he told his brother " I want her, I want my family! " and BIL said then you better actually tell her! Now, that same night we were all at a little dance bar(10 of us) and as I danced (without H) some guy kept trying to dance with me as I was dancing with my girlfriend and ......
The next week he came to me and did actually say these things to me
!
We had been "reconnecting" and doing a few things together and with other couples but we also did on our own individually.... I always invited him to attend with me but never did I not go if he chose not to come along.
Have you ever considered asking him to go to lunch or coffee with you, or maybe a movie?
The amount of time your H spends with all of you says to me, he wants to be there!!
Is there anyone in your life and your H's life that could say something like that to him?? Anyone that can give him a gentle push??
Of course the time must be right and all that and I am not sure we ever know when that is.?
I know that we should not discuss the R but knowing what I know now I wonder if my H would of ever truly come back if my BIL had not pushed him!?
the time may not be right but I do feel it is getting closer...
just my thoughts :)
(hugs)
31
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RT, all of that sounds wonderful!!! Yay for you. OMG ... two dozen roses? And the time he is spending with you? Your heart must be doing some flips, all while you are continuing to GAL and do other things, like you say, that you wouldn't have done in the past.
Your mirror work is paying off so well. He sounds so close, I just want to give him that "nudge" that he needs, but ... patience, my dear, patience!!
And the card incident?? OMG. I'm excited for you!!!
I'm glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day:)
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Never - thanks. I appreciate it. I have definitely grown over these few years. Tough as it's been that's a silver lining
31 - I honestly don't know if there's anyone who'll give him that push since his mom won't and I don't know what his friends say to him. I have invited him to a few things - he usually says no. He has historically resisted doing things with me outside of the house. We've spent lots of time together outside the house lately but it's all been around watching S games - sometimes that means 4 hours side by side sharing snacks on a Saturday afternoon.
I have to admit I had a chuckle today. H and I usually give joint gifts - even since we've been separated. Usually I'm the gift buyer (gift giving is definitely my love language). When I asked him about Mother's Day for his mom & sister he acted like an a$$h@le and indicated that he had sent them stuff from HIM. I was annoyed about it (ask Handpuppets) but then I just decided to let it go. They are his family if that's how he wanted it to be - so be it. Today SIL mentioned how stunned she was that he bought her some kitchen thing. she didn't want to seem ungrateful so she didn't mention to him what she thought. I chuckled and said "your brother acted like an a$$ about it so I had nothing to do with the selection of that gift". Her response "obviously!" 😂😂😂. I just ordered her a little something a bit more personal.
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<snort>
Mid-Lifers and gifts....
It would be hysterically funny if we weren't the ones actually WATCHING it happen...
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RT--I stopped inviting my H to things. He has rejected me so many times, I don't want to subject myself to it anymore. And yet, we still go to our S's sporting events together, sit together, etc. MLC is strange.
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RT--I stopped inviting my H to things. He has rejected me so many times, I don't want to subject myself to it anymore. And yet, we still go to our S's sporting events together, sit together, etc. MLC is strange.
I hear you. I don't invite h to things much either - don't want to out myself in a space to he rejected and lately I'll have a better time if he's not there because there's no tension. We do spend lots of time together at kids related things - and like you in those spaces we always sit together.
We are also working together now on selling our rental house. I went there this week and it was bittersweet. That area is where we bought our first house - we brought son home to that house and interestingly the last project we worked on together was getting it ready for the current tenant in 2013. We worked there all day without the kids - we talked, laughed, listened to music, got home and ...... and then BD was shortly after that. It was the first indication that for him his depression is kept at at when he is doing something. It was sad to go there but truthfully it didn't feel like home. Our house now is home - it's where I have neighbors who have become dear friends. Without them this whole experience would have been so much harder than it was.
H cycles more rapidly now. The hot and cold pattern used to last for weeks. He'd be in a connected pattern for awhile then cycle away. Now it's day to day - sometimes hour to hour. Today connected, tomorrow not. It must be exhausting for him. I've gotten good at taking him as he comes. If he's pleasant I'm friendly if he's detached I'm still relatively friendly. That's pretty much who I am and I just treat him like I'd treat any other random person.
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"Any other random person." Sometimes I just shake my head at MLC.
I do wonder why your H is cycling so quickly these days. Doing some work on himself perhaps? Dare I dream? ;)
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I vaguely recall that the cycling mimics the early days when they are reaching liminality. All available appendages are crossed, RT!
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I vaguely recall that the cycling mimics the early days when they are reaching liminality. All available appendages are crossed, RT!
It is a good thing it is flip flop weather again - LOL
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KIT, Medusa, & MD - interesting that they cycle more frequently as they approach liminality. That makes sense on some level because I could see now this extreme hot & cold would be tiring for them.
H came over tonight to take s to the park. He was going to hang out with a friend of his who I can't stand - think he is the rudest man. I was annoyed because I thought he was bringing him here but instead they went to the park to work in S sports. As he came in the door he was holding a small plant. He never mentioned why he had the plant and I didn't ask. D mentioned that she asked and he said s wanted a plant. S apparently wanted a bonsai tree so he brought a random plant 😱. I guess that's still something ........
I swear this is the most bizarre experience - I'm sure I'll be the one watering the plant 😂😂😂
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As he came in the door he was holding a small plant. He never mentioned why he had the plant and I didn't ask. D mentioned that she asked and he said s wanted a plant. S apparently wanted a bonsai tree so he brought a random plant 😱. I guess that's still something ........
I swear this is the most bizarre experience - I'm sure I'll be the one watering the plant 😂😂😂
;D That's really sweet RT, and yes, it's something. They're both still green ;D. Yes, you will probably be the one watering it. ::)
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At the beginning of my H's crisis, he used to bring little things home almost daily. He was in monster mode most of the time but the 'gifts', usually just things from the supermarket he purchased on the way home - I think they were 'peace offerings' after his terrible displays of rudeness/anger. He couldn't articulate so he came bearing gifts. Maybe it's his way of getting back in favor?
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Yes I think there is something in the peace offering aspect. They are like little kids. Mine bought a power washer and must have power washed the house 10 times over the summer....after he moved out. :P
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At the beginning of my H's crisis, he used to bring little things home almost daily. He was in monster mode most of the time but the 'gifts', usually just things from the supermarket he purchased on the way home - I think they were 'peace offerings' after his terrible displays of rudeness/anger. He couldn't articulate so he came bearing gifts. Maybe it's his way of getting back in favor?
My H did that for a while too. He would ask me always "Do you need anything?" In his culture this is the words people use to end phone calls and the like. It's a way of saying goodbye and sort of doesn't mean anything, but for several months he was always asking me if I needed anything. It was his way of feeling like he was doing the right thing with me. He would brag he brought me everything I needed so why should I be unhappy?
That stopped completely now. He doesn't want to bring anything it seems. He doesn't ask me if I need anything. He's worried about finances and he sends his sick mother out to do all our vegetable and fruit shopping and she comes back home barely able to stand on her feet and he doesn't even realize it. There were things he was going to get me that he seems to have forgotten about completely, a desk, charcoal for the bbq we built together a couple months ago, etc. He's busy I know with work but I think he truly has just forgotten.
It's just so strange how he has a new personality every month.
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I swear this is the most bizarre experience - I'm sure I'll be the one watering the plant 😂😂😂
Could be worse - at least it was a plant and not another pet to take care of :)
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I swear this is the most bizarre experience - I'm sure I'll be the one watering the plant 😂😂😂
Could be worse - at least it was a plant and not another pet to take care of :)
Oh no!!!!! Even his crazy head he knows better than that 😂😱😂😱😂
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I swear this is the most bizarre experience - I'm sure I'll be the one watering the plant 😂😂😂
Could be worse - at least it was a plant and not another pet to take care of :)
Oh no!!!!! Even his crazy head he knows better than that 😂😱😂😱😂
Well, then that is at least progress ::)
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Make sure plant doesn't look like poison oak...lol ;)
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Make sure plant doesn't look like poison oak...lol ;)
Lol. Thankfully, no!!!!!!
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LH, SF, KIT, Goner - I hadn't thought about it as a peace offering. It does make sense especially since he has been very consistently reconnecting with S. he eventually told me that it's from a plant he already has. So he essentially took a piece,waited for it to Spring a root, and then planted it for S. wasn't something he just slammed together yesterday.
The other weird thing he brought around were Tupperware containers. The other day when I went out and he dropped s home he left a bag with my Tupperware that he had at his place. I went through and 2 weren't mine. I initially was bothered that he could have brought crap from ow here. I handed the 2 that didn't belong to me back to him yesterday. He commented that he saw that I didn't have a lot so that's why he brought extra. I chuckled because i only have a shortage of containers because he uses them to take fruit salad. Still seemed like a strange thing for him to bring for me.
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OMG--your H does love his fruit doesn't he? LOL. Well, I have to say, it was actually quite thoughtful that he gave you extra Tupperware.
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He is paying attention ;)
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MD - he definitely is paying attention lately. He even asks questions about things I've said - which always surprises me.
KIT - he really does love fruit. As I was reading your comment earlier he was sitting there munching on a grape. I couldn't help myself I laughed out - glad he didn't ask me what I was reading.
H was chatty today. I had to take my car in for service and he was very helpful in making sure they were doing the right thing. We had several logistical things to discuss, pipes, roof replacement, kids chores, etc so we texted back and forth. One of D friends invited her to the movies tomorrow so they miss school - I thought that was bizarre but ran it by him. He thought it was crazy. It was nice to see that as a general rule our parenting values remain very much aligned.
He is headed out of town for a boys weekend leaving this evening. So I was surprised to hear the garage open and see him come in. First thing he did was comment on something he saw that was broken in the garage. He spent a few minutes fixing it before he came back inside. He said they were supposed to have already left but one of the guys got caught up at work so was running late. So he decided to come by for a bit before they left. Hung around for about 30 minutes before he left. On his way out he chatted with S about his game this weekend. I got the feeling that even though he'll enjoy golfing he's sad to miss S's game this weekend.
I have senior lunch at work tomorrow and graduation is Saturday. Some of the students graduating this year I have known since they first started as freshmen. I feel like a proud mom as I prepare to watch them graduate.
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Your H sounds like he is less foggy RT, how lovely it was he came to see you before he left for his weekend.
Enjoy the graduation on Sunday :)
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My father in law gives my Tupperware back to me when he's ready for a "re-fill". Maybe H is looking for a fruit salad re-fill!!!
yes, he does appear less foggy for sure! Even better that he appears a little upset he is missing out by being gone for the weekend ;)
You have every right to feel like a proud momma, you have been very instrumental in these young lives!!! Congratulations and enjoy!!
(hugs)
31
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It's so odd because on one hand he seems less foggy and then the next minute is very distant. He was away all weekend and so I haven't spoken to him since he was here on Thursday. We texted a bit about logistical stuff on Friday and then about a kid's injury at S's game on Saturday (poor child was hit in the head and had to be taken away by ambulance). But that was the extent of the contact. He texted the kids a bit I believe over the weekend.
This morning he commented that he would call S later because he was on the train. Which means is off on a business trip but didn't mention it. He told D when he spoke to her this morning that he was traveling so he'd "see her whenever". That comment definitely seemed to hurt her feelings.
As I was opening mail today I saw that he had changed his address on some stuff to his current address - they send a notice of that change to his previous address. Ugh!
Graduation was wonderful and emotional. Some of those students have been in at least one of my classes for the past 4 years. So sad but proud that they are moving on. Had a lovely time with friends at a concert last night. So grateful that my kids are old enough now that I can head out whether he's there or not.
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I guess the MLC fog must be a lot like fog in nature - thick coverage in some areas and then thinner in others.
I can see why his comment to D would hurt her feelings. My D would have felt the same way. These MLCers really do not think ::)
Glad your semester is over and graduation was a success :) Are you doing the "summer dance" yet? I was at our college today an it was like the plague hit - LOL. The hallways were beyond quiet. Well, not really quiet - there were jackhammers going most of the morning as construction and repairs for the summer have started - LOL
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Turns out h business trip was only for yesterday. S told me this morning that daddy was back. I was having people from work over for lunch and my very good friend (who is pregnant) was having car trouble. She got here but was worried about getting home. I texted H and he said he'd come over to look at it. He came over and fixed the car for her. I gave him lunch. He commented that it wasn't a bad deal - getting lunch to fix her car for her :)
I introduced him by name to some of my co-workers. After he chatted with them for a bit he left with his lunch. One of them says "he was cute, who was he?" 😂😂😂
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I forgot to mention that when he came over he brought something for D14 who was home sick. He brought her one of those fidget spinners. Such an odd gift.
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Oh I know all about that fidget spinner--they are huge with the kids. So makes sense that an Mlcer knows exactly what they are!
So odd about lunch RT. Seems like he really wants to be in your life. I think if I needed something my H would do it too. But he's way too afraid rt now to actually spend time in our house for, heaven forbid, a meal say. But your H seems to be right at home. Interesting.
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Oh I know all about that fidget spinner--they are huge with the kids. So makes sense that an MLCer knows exactly what they are!
Yep... S has 2 now (he got a 2nd one yesterday) and his mom had no clue what they were... I guess my Mid-Lifer is more out of it than most...
So odd about lunch RT. Seems like he really wants to be in your life. I think if I needed something my H would do it too. But he's way too afraid rt now to actually spend time in our house for, heaven forbid, a meal say. But your H seems to be right at home. Interesting.
I had that same thought KiT... Like he really WANTS to be there but then freaks out for some reason and runs away.... Mine seems to be much more comfortable spending time in MY apartment than she is with me spending time in HER apartment.... Of course, mine is comfortable whereas hers is sterile...
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The kids have definitely been enjoying the fidget spinner. UM & KIT he has always seemed comfortable here - some times more than others.
Tuesday evening I went out with friends and h took s to practice. He didn't hesitate when I asked him even though he has a standing event on a Tuesday evening. He seemed to hang out with the kids for about when they got back but he was gone by the time I got home. I had gotten a text from S teacher about him using his phone in class (first time a teacher has ever said anything about S - hello middle school 😄). I sent it to H. When I got back I asked h if he had spoken to S because I didn't want to belabor the issue since s really is a good student and this was the first time (he has a 99% average in the class that the teacher texted about). H said he mentioned it to him but I should really discuss it. It truly is fascinating that he doesn't see himself fully as the parent.
He came over last night. I must admit I found this surprising - he can't have seen ow much in the past 2 weeks because he's been traveling. He hung out with D watching tv. When he was leaving I mentioned that we were going out of town on Friday night for my cousins graduation so could he watch the dog. I fully expected him to say no - it's Friday night of a holiday weekend. He said he could walk him Friday night but not Saturday because he was playing golf early. But then he came up with alternative suggestions so that now we have a plan for the dog. Again, I was surprised that he was available or golfing. He seemed almost hurt that we were going to cousins graduation and hadn't mentioned it - oh well. This cousin was born a few weeks before our wedding so is now turning 19 😱. My family will come back here after graduation for the rest of the weekend - I haven't mentioned that part to him though I know he'll be happy to see them.
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I went to lunch today with a friend/coworker who had been at my house on Tuesday when h came over to fix my friend's car. She commented that H was very handsome. The interesting thing was she said "I had forgotten how attractive he was". He really did look very nice when he came that day - It's like he's beginning to look like himself again - much more life in his eyes. She also commented that her husband would never have dropped everything to come rescue her friend the way h did on Tuesday. And he did it without much prodding and with an incredibly pleasant disposition. Her words were - it's those things that help me support your stand because I can still see the good guy in there. Thankfully, I feel like I see the good guy more often these days.
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So glad you're seeing more of the good guy! :)
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We finally decided that the easiest thing was to board the dog for the night. My neighbor said her son could walk him but the kids weren't comfortable - afraid that kid would allow him to get away. I mentioned it to h and he said he agreed so we just decided to board him. H say he could pick him up tomorrow afternoon so he wouldn't have to be at the boarder all weekend.
H just texted to say to cancel the boarding he'd keep the dog. That's interesting to me because that means he plans to be home tonight. Glad he's stepped up to keep the dog.
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Wow - maybe he is back in the surf after all. :) Now I need to think about how deep he has waded in - LOL. He ran back to shore for a bit, but making some progress :)
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Keep doing good things H, RT is watching ;)
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RT,
I hope you have a wonderful time at the graduation! Sounds like your H is becoming himself again, one step at a time. How wonderful! Just keep being YOU ;)
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Once H realized that my family was coming back to the house he texted to ask me if I wanted him to leave the truck or if I wanted to drive it to the graduation. I told him it would be nice to have it for when we are at the house so we wouldn't need to drive 2 cars everywhere. He asked for details so I made sure to text him when we got here but haven't texted him anything else. I will probably send him a pic of cousin tomorrow. D commented that she's sure he's sad to miss it.
The kids and I have enjoyed being here so far. It's very rural so incredibly different from what we are used to. My aunt booked the hotel from the internet and its pretty bad. It's funny to see the horrified look on the kids' faces - spoiled much? 😂😂😂😂
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All caught up - he is still so connected, he just doesn't seem to see it. Glad he hasn't had much time for that faux fashionista. Instead, he prefers to spend his free time at home. I like that. You are doing a great job!
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All caught up - he is still so connected, he just doesn't seem to see it. Glad he hasn't had much time for that faux fashionista. Instead, he prefers to spend his free time at home. I like that. You are doing a great job!
Faux fashionista totally cracked me up. She really does dress terribly - so bizarre!
There's an event this weekend that the crew always goes to. I really hope I don't end up seeing pics of them together. No matter how detached I get I always hate that - especially since she always looks so firetrucking ridiculous.
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I get it - we don't need it in our face with pictures. I don't read about horse face other than the one time. I learned what I needed to know, so no reason to ever do it again.
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The graduation was lovely - the kids and I had a nice day. We drove the long way home and toured the town we used to live in. D enjoyed seeing her old school, etc. H texted at about 6pm on Saturday to say he was dropping the dog back.
On Sunday there was an event that they usually go to and I assumed H and OW would be there. But then h posted a photo of himself riding alone. D spoke to him in the evening and he was headed to his friend's house. D sent me some pictures she saw of h and OW. He had apparently posted a video of OW rubbing his feet. The pictures were odd - OW looked very unattractive. I didn't see the video but D thought it was odd. She said they looked distant, were sitting far apart in silence and she was on her phone as she was rubbing his feet. She commented that it felt cold not intimate. It's so odd. I made a comment to my long-time friend who I found less than supportive. Thanks to ShiningStar who made me laugh last night and Handpuppets who helped me work through why I found my friends comments so upsetting this morning.
Today he texted to see if we would be home later. I told him I didn't know because we were headed out. The kids, my family and I headed out - had a nice day. At one point the kids were going with my uncle and cousin to hang out - my aunt and I were going shopping. I texted h to let him know where the kids would be. He once again asked if I needed the truck. He said he would either meet the kids where they were or come over when they got home. When the kids got back he was already here at the house. I was getting take-out and was surprised that he stayed for dinner. My other aunt came over and we all were hanging out until 10pm when he left.
He asked D something about her little boyfriends name. She was really upset that he didn't know it. She talks about the boy all the time - she just felt that it proved that he doesn't listen to or know her. She had shown her boyfriend the video of OW rubbing H feet and he said "your dad left your mom because she isn't beneath him". I thought that was an interesting assessment from someone who doesn't know us very well - only knows what he's heard from D.
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He asked D something about her little boyfriends name. She was really upset that he didn't know it. She talks about the boy all the time - she just felt that it proved that he doesn't listen to or know her. She had shown her boyfriend the video of OW rubbing H feet and he said "your dad left your mom because she isn't beneath him". I thought that was an interesting assessment from someone who doesn't know us very well - only knows what he's heard from D.
I can understand D being upset by her Dad not knowing her boyfriend's name. Sometimes it's the small things like this that shows how out of touch they are with their children. As for the boyfriend's assessment, i'd say he sounds like a perceptive young man and he hit the nail on the head there ;).
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He asked D something about her little boyfriends name. She was really upset that he didn't know it. She talks about the boy all the time - she just felt that it proved that he doesn't listen to or know her. She had shown her boyfriend the video of OW rubbing H feet and he said "your dad left your mom because she isn't beneath him". I thought that was an interesting assessment from someone who doesn't know us very well - only knows what he's heard from D.
I can understand D being upset by her Dad not knowing her boyfriend's name. Sometimes it's the small things like this that shows how out of touch they are with their children. As for the boyfriend's assessment, i'd say he sounds like a perceptive young man and he hit the nail on the head there ;).
FIL(RIP) was like this too with SIL and her boyfriend although they had been living together for 2 years prior... He THEN went on to say that SIL changed boyfriends so often that he couldn't keep up (project much lately?). what was even more laughable (everyone except SIL was laughing at him) was that he couldn't remember where I was working, although I had been there for 7 years at the time.....
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D is very upset this morning. She keeps saying nothing then finally admitted she's mad at H. He didn't do anything new but I guess she's just upset about the entire thing. Not sure what about yesterday hit her. It's sad to see her so upset. She has a friend who is very non-supportive so when she reached out the friend just told her get over it - it's been 3 years which was clearly not helpful either.
It's so frustrating having to watch a teenager navigate this craziness.
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I am sorry that she is so upset this morning, but I can understand. It must be so confusing to her to watch him eat dinner with the family and then leave and go to an apartment. We don't understand, so how can a child. Show her a picture of horseface - that will make her laugh!
So, I didn't know that the picture the other night was from a video - or didn't realize it - I guess Snapchat is video. That is even worse. Why would you post something like that? I would understand if she was dressed appropriately and they were laughing having fun, but she looked like a hag in the hoody sweatshirt, and she wasn't even paying attention to him. Boggles my mind.
The only thing I can say about your friend who hurt your feelings is that - unless it happens to you - you can't possibly understand. Even my sister who has held my hand throughout the process doesn't understand WHY I just don't say F... him! I am sure your friend wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, she just was not thinking...... xo
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RT,
If this is so hard on us, and we have such love and support, I can't even imagine how tough it is for the kids. They can't possibly understand this. We can't understand, yet, we have so much more life experience.
Has your D been to counseling? If not, she may benefit from it. Just my thoughts.
Take care RT. The crazy train is rolling down the track, full speed ahead.
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RT - My D has had the same reaction as of late. She has one friend who has said similar things to her in regards to "get over it". It has almost destroyed their friendship. D no longer confides in her. It makes it so tough when we are there to witness the destruction of MLC with our kids. And especially with both of our Ds, they are so tough most times and full of truth darts. I find it shocks me more when my D is visibly upset because most times she is feisty enough to make it seem like it just rolls off of her.
My D has actually stopped following her F's Instagram and SnapChat. He was not happy about it, but too bad. She said it helped her to block those.
Like us, they don't just "get over it".
Where is UM's trademark 2x4 when we need it?
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I believe D has reached her "sick of this sh*t" point hasn't she Really? Can't blame her, she is right in the middle of it just like us and we all get to that point, several times !!
I am sorry and I am not sure how to tell you to help her other than let her let it out!! If she needs to scream or even scream at dad, let her!! These are her feelings and they are real (not that you doubted that!) She's been very sick, she's a teenager ....yet she is old enough to get it that her dad is stagnant and somewhat stuck!! She is sick and tired (even though her mono is better) of all of this!! He has hurt her immensely by not even knowing her boyfriends name (someone important to her at the moment) and this last sick video put her pain over the top! I am mad for her!!!
He needs his head knocked in with that 2x4 for sure!
ugghhh!
31
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This one perhaps?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/J56ginLby7WSY/giphy.gif)
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Perfect UM!!
(hugs)
31
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RT, I do understand how your D is still suffering over all this. I think all our kids are, just that people in RL think we're going through a "normal" split up. But ours, is the gift that keeps on giving. The song with legs that you hate but keep hearing in your head. I'm sure you've already told your D that there are many kids, the kids of us on the forum, who are having very similar experiences to her.
My S12 was crying this morning before school, (couldn't get him to go, actually) because he says he hates his life, that he's been sad all year, that his dad is going out with a 30 year old and doesn't want to spend any time with him. I just validated him. I listened so he could vent, told him his dad doesn't even know what he's going to do himself on a daily basis, and that he should try and focus on the good things in his life. Hard when you're feeling down. Maybe our kids could do with a little dim contact, too, so they don't feel the immediate effects of their dads not remembering the details of their lives, not caring that D might not like seeing OW rubbing his feet. I mean, does anyone like to see anyone rubbing a guy's feet?
My D just graduated, too, and it's a sad milestone with the dads more into their horse faced girlfriends than them. Shining Star, I loved your description of the OW. It's much more respectable than the names I would like to use, and although I love horses, it's not a good look on a girl! Think I might start using the name for my H's OW.
Three years is just the beginning of the end, right? This is a world of its own, with different rules. I hope your D gets through this down cycle.
Milly
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My D goes through these times too RT. I find that day to day she is fine now, but every now and again when the trials of every day adolescent life starts to get on top of her, it brings all the hurt her Dad has caused and continues to cause to the surface again. It sure is the gift that keeps on giving, for our children as well as ourselves.
All we can do is keep the lines of communication open with them and allow them to vent as often as they feel they need to. Better that they get it all out every so often than let it fester. I hope your D starts to feel better again soon.
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Thanks All for your support!
SS - I didn't realize it was from a video at first either. I truly don't get why he would have posted it. She looked awful and he knows it's a good chance his D would see it. It's so clear that they just don't think. I love the description of her looking like a hag. That was what I needed from my friend the other night. Instead she saw the same pic you saw and told me three times that she looked like me. Ugh!
NoEx - she has been to counseling in the past. I asked her if she wants it again but she said no. I'm a therapist so I am good with her being in counseling. I got a referral from a friend so I have the name on stand-by.
LH, MD, 31 - I do think she cycles like we do. The majority of the time she is ok - just like I am but when other things intervene she gets upset. This week it was the video, the unsupportive friend, and her little boyfriend and her were grumpy. It was a perfect storm of adolescent angst that led to a tough night and morning. By the time she left for school she was seeming a bit better. MD - I wish she'd stop following her dads snapchat but that's up to her.
The 2x4 is needed but he's being so daft right now I don't even know if it would help.
Milly - I hope your s is having a better day today. SS is great with he descriptions of these awful OW. More than once she's made me chuckle when I really needed it.
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Yesterday actually got worse before it got better. I had a doctor appointment in the afternoon that thankfully I rescheduled once D was struggling in the morning. H and I started the morning texting about an event S has for school that clashes with his game. His team is down a player so if s doesn't go the team may not have enough people. I was trying to get info from the coach because it's a big deal where he has been invited to exhibit his project to many scientists. H thinks he should go to his game. S really wants to go to the school thing. I see both concerns and feel torn. It's the first time in years that h and I are at odds parenting and since I was already in a bad mood from D I really didn't need that exchange. We still haven't made a decision.
I decided I'd take lunch to S because he had won several awards the night before at his school's athlete award ceremony. Figured I'd take it for d too. The night before we had been planning to go out with my family to a super fancy dinner. The program at S school ran super long so my family had to go without us. We ended up eating McDonalds. I think that contributed to d foul mood 😂😂😂.
As I am on my way home from dropping them both lunch I get a text from D that she was caught in the hallway when she should have been at lunch and she was being suspended. I thought she was exaggerating but sure enough the administrator called. Said she was out of her assigned area so was found to be loitering so she was being given a 3 day suspension. She has never been in trouble before and I mentioned that and he said principal said anyone in the hallway was to be suspended - even though she wasn't skipping class. I had texted h to tell him what she had said when she told me. His response "why can't she just follow the rules?" I did not respond to him. I called him after the administrator called. At this point I was close to tears. Two seconds into the conversation and I wanted to scream - he is like a robot - no emotion. Nothing! I quickly hung up and we continued the conversation via text discussing the consequences she should have.
My neighbor called right after that and I burst into tears. I said that I was going for a walk and she said I'll be right out. She dropped whatever she had been working on to join me on a 3 mile walk where I could process what a tough stretch of days it had been. I felt so much better when it was over. I'm so grateful for her and my HS friends who were there for me when I was truly having an awful day yesterday.
By the time d got home I was calmer. We talked about what happened about coping strategies when you are upset - not bottling up feelings, etc. Now I'm angry at the school. I've talked to a few people who work for the school system and they both feel that the punishment was excessive for what she did. H doesn't seem fazed but I will be at the school to meet with the administrator. Someone needs to explain to me how a kid who left the lunch room but wasn't caught doing anything (I asked!) deserves a 3 day suspension. The administrator actually said he wasn't familiar with her - because she has never been in trouble before. I definitely think she should have a consequence but this seems very harsh for the stated infraction.
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I AM SHOCKED that a school would suspend any child for such a small infraction. That is incredible to me. Isn't that what detention is for, or a call to the parent - "hey your child didn't follow the rules today, please talk to her!" I know you will handle appropriately. Education is your thing and you will know how to deal with the Administrator, but the fact that you even need to deal with this is just unbelievable. I know D must be so upset, and who suspends a child when the school year is about over unless they bring a gun to school, fight, light up in the hallway - something serious. And robot man..... what is his problem? He has two of the best kids ever born who are incredibly successful and where is he when his D needs the support? Ugh! to it all.......
I am glad you had your neighbor for the long walk. That was helpful! xo
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I agree it feels "over the top" to me but not sure you can or should fight it? Maybe you can appeal? Is it a year round school system, why is she not out on summer vacation?
Tell H she is a kid remember??
Walking and a good neighbor is a great way to work through some of this!!
When it rains it pours doesn't it ?
(hugs)
31
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SS & 31 - I am shocked too that they would move to suspension for that. I will meet with the administrator because I don't think protocol was followed. Of course we have punished her because I don't want her to think what she did was ok.
As for robot man - I think he is incapable of anything emotional these days and that's so so sad.
31 they go on vacation on the 13th of June so she'll go back in time for her exams.
Thankfully today has been less horrifying
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School's reaction is completely over the top. But the good news is, D wasn't really doing anything. I'm all about rule following, when there is a valid reason for them. But here, she didn't really do anything "bad."
Anyway, not surprised H was unfazed by it all. Probably thinking he needed an apple or something.... ::)
Glad you have a great neighbor friend. Great way to calm down and get perspective before D got home. And glad you had a better day today.
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"Probably thinking he needed an apple or something.... "
Loved this 😂
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[quote author=KeepItTogether link=topic=8929.msg593429#msg593429
Anyway, not surprised H was unfazed by it all. Probably thinking he needed an apple or something.... ::)
Glad you have a great neighbor friend. Great way to calm down and get perspective before D got home. And glad you had a better day today.
[/quote]
Omg I just laughed out loud too At the very least an orange.
KIT - when we got home on Monday he was sitting in the house eating cherries - his relationship with fruit is truly odd 😂😂😂😂
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RT,
OMG I would have gone bananas on the school. That is beyond anything needed. And yes, robot man....what can we say???
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RT,
OMG I would have gone bananas on the school. That is beyond anything needed. And yes, robot man....what can we say???
Yesterday I was too upset to do much. Today school was closed so I'll be there tomorrow. This type of thing is usually better done by h because he's much less excitable than me. Hence that calm demeanor has become robot man. I fear that if they annoy me I'll lose my cool then they'll escort me of the premises and never let poor D back in 😂😂😂😂
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Yours is robot man. Mine goes off on his lacrosse team so bad that he literally loses his voice every single night. MLC is good times.
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Lol @ KIT
The AC upstairs in my house is broken. It was 83 degrees when we went to bed. The ceiling fan in my room is not useful. It's either going so fast that I think it's going to take off or barely moving. I got some small standing fans that used to be in my office at work. Between the heat and the sound of the fans it totally felt like a summer night where we grew up. H and I spent many hot nights snuggled in bed under a noisy fan. For the first time in many months I woke up in the middle of the night missing him and all that we had. These feelings really do not go away easily. I also ran into someone we were friends with years ago. She used to date my friend and we were always together as couples. She was theee with h and I when we bought our furniture for our first home which we still have now. She had a mini crisis herself and just told my friend one day she had to leave. Left and moved to another state. That was 10 years ago. This is the first time I've seen her since. Seeing her brought up some really fun memories of my early marriage but then the pain I remember her putting my friend through that I can relate to even better. All this resulted in that feeling of nostalgia that I felt last night.
This has been an interesting week. Started with us having a great time with my cousin's graduation. D even commented that she hadn't thought much about daddy (which is probably what began to upset her), moved the next day to the now infamous foot rub video and it was steadily downhill from there - culminating in a broken AC on a hot weekend. I'm tired!
My friend called and I thought she was calling to apologize for hurting my feelings when she said I looked like the very hideous OW. But no, she never mentioned it. She wanted support about her own divorce. It made me sad to see that she couldn't be there for me the way I have always been available to her.
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Do you find that you are better at spotting it when a friendship is unbalanced RT or have you always been good at this?
I hope next week is a little less triggery (new word :)) for you.
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Do you find that you are better at spotting it when a friendship is unbalanced RT or have you always been good at this?
I hope next week is a little less triggery (new word :)) for you.
I would like to pretend that I was always good but I think that might only have been with some people. With this particular friend as I was recounting what happened this weekend to my aunt who was visiting. She gently pointed out that it has always been the dynamic of our relationship. She's supportive but with jabs. Once I thought about it I realized she was right. This weekend seemed the most blatant. it's sad to have to look back at one of your closest & oldest friendships with a new lens.
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RT, just starting to catch up on people. I am so sorry you've been having some awful days in there. Totally sucks. And, yes, the school totally over-reacted on the three-day suspension. Okay, she was out of her assigned territory ... doing nothing. At best, a detention after school (if they still have them,) and a discussion asking her why she did what she did. To me, that's a punishment that I would think could actually do more harm than good. Crazy.
With the fruit saga, you guys had me LMAO!!! Honestly, NoEx, you had to bring "bananas" into the conversation??? Hee-hee. We have a whole fruit basket going on here ;D ;D
Stay cool. Robot man is not capable of anything rational right now... only eating fruit.
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It sounds as if we are both having a difficult week. I think a drink soon is in order....
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It sounds as if we are both having a difficult week. I think a drink soon is in order....
Agree--cheers.
As for the friend being insensitive, I find that is the case more often than not. Many people don't really "get" when they make an offensive statement. I like to think that it is b/c they didn't mean it in an offensive manner\, so why would we be offended? Also, sounds like your friend is having a hard time with her own stuff too and so many of us cannot see others' pain b/c our own is so massive. But I do feel your pain. Thankfully we have this forum. Hugs friend.
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SS - that sounds fantastic!
Never - you are so right about Robot man. I had gotten so good at not expecting anything from him but this I honestly was let down. The cold distance from something related to his kid was still stunning - even after all these years.
KIT - the thing with my friend was I doubt she was purposefully being hurtful. It was just insensitive. My aunt commented that friend had been like that always. She even suggested that friend may even be jealous of my current hurt. Her separation and divorce is very bitter and ugly (her STBX is truly not nice). who knows but now I know what I can and can't expect to receive from her emotionally.
I went to the school yesterday. The principal was a very rude gentleman and I honestly how I managed not to curse at him. He acknowledged that she was sitting on the stairs during her lunch - that's it. But basically said I can suspend her if he wants. I was seething. The saddest thing about the whole thing was how much I didn't share with H about the meeting with the principal. I'm still angry. Ugh.
I realize h is firmly in a$$ mode this week. I think he knows d saw the foot rub thing - it tells you who watches your story. It also tells you when someone screenshots the video so he knows D did that. My h is the opposite of Nagy in that when he's guilty he is a total a&&h@le - instead of being super nice to make up for feeling bad. I have barely seen or spoken to him this week on purpose.
Yesterday I was at a conference and he texted to say he would take s to game yesterday and today too. I was grateful for that. I hung out at the conference. My poster was on display and it got lots of positive responses. I came home to check on D who had been home all afternoon. I saw his car driving out abc I thought I saw D with him. When I got here to confirm she was gone I called him. He said they were going to get s from practice and go get something to eat. I commented that it would have been nice if he had mentioned it to me so that I didn't need to come home - silence. Instead of letting it bother I'd and I got back in my car and drove to bookclub (just down the road). I hung out there and had a lovely evening.
When I got back d said she had asked if they could go do something and he told her no because she was on punishment but that he didn't mind getting food. They hung out until about 9 and then he dropped them home. She said she asked why he didn't ho out on a Friday night anymore. He responded that he had to take s to practice. She commented that practice was over early enough for him to go out if he wanted and he commented that he guesses he's just too tired. He then left saying he was heading to bed - weird.
I'm on a panel discussion this morning and then volunteering at a local festival. He'll be back today to get s for practice. Lately his weekends have been very much dominated by the busy work of parenting a sports son - in the one whose been out and about - refreshing change.
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Hmm, do you sense a little change on the horizon??? I am so glad you went back out after you found out daughter was not at home ... and had a good evening. That is what has been the hardest for me to learn. I always do have a great time when I go out with a girlfriend or my daughter, so I need to continue doing that as do all of us.
Isn't it funny, you'd think we have gotten to a point where we really are not expecting any longer; yet, something always happens to make you raise your eyebrows and say: "Really? Really?" Yep, when you think you've seen it all, something else will happen.
I think we are all going to be hard as brick when this is done. Kind of scary, actually. I just hope I don't turn into a cynical bit$$ when this is finally over.
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Time for a new thread, Really. :)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9104.0