Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bluerose on May 12, 2017, 08:23:38 AM
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And the journey the continues...
Previous Threads
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8990.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8898.0
Original vanisher threads
Does anyone have any comments/feedback regarding vanishers?
Vanisher 3
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8310.0
Vanisher 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0
Vanisher 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
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Thread number 3 already??
I guess it's not all what they are doing/saying each and every day.
It's about connecting with others who understand what it's like to grieve someone who is still alive.
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This thread has been very interesting I do wounded if there are any vanishers that reappeared.
It's still feels like I'm grieving for my H as it' was such a shock and he vanished the same day so in someways it feels like he died but hurts when you know they haven't he was just happy for our marriage to die
X
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Nah, just to clarify, I don't think it's is a bad thing to keep tabs on the MLC'er and see just how great that new-found happiness looks on them (snarky, I know, but happiness, pffft!), some people aren't able to stop at just that. And many times, especially early on, that kind of digging and snooping will burn like acid when the LBS sees these jerks "living it up" as they pretend the first year or 2 into this crap. But, maybe that pain is what they need to feel to get on with their own lives. At some point, it's going to have to happen for them, or they really will be left behind.
I know I was really wounded when xh walked away, but then I saw what he was walking away to. It was a travesty, in my honest opinion. I wasn't sure if I should be offended, disgusted, or overjoyed that this OW (yeah, symptom, whatever) he ran to be with was so far beneath me in every way possible. Now, after almost 18 months, I see this as the karma everyone jilted person clamors for. Two broken, adulterous liars in a relationship that wrecked both of their "awful" marriages and now they are stuck with each other for all eternity. In my book, karma doesn't get much b!tc#ier or better than that. You cross the line, you get what you deserve. And, as for this blissful happiness, now watching and peeking from a distance is quite satisfying...and letting him do the same in return is even better because mine here in good old reality is genuine, and his, well, that remains to be seen.
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Yes. Each situation is different.
I guess it was good that I wasn't a very good snoop.
Like I said earlier, it's not like I could look through his phone and/or emails. See, he was gone and I didn't know any passwords or anything like that b/c until BD, I did not know I had a need to snoop.
Now those with live-in clingers, they see their email, some have seen pictures and love notes to the OP. Nope, I would not want to see that, especially if I hoped for reconciliation.
So, Yes, I looked but I saw very little. Looking back, when I tried to dig for information (like when I spent a year badgering the Leaver's bass player) I would get nothing. As soon as I let go, it fell into my lap.
In the early days, I wrote a few letters, I sent messages, I tried to meet and talk with the Leaver. Nothing... a big fat nothing. I gave up trying years ago and then, only when he was ready, BOOM... he hands over everything I was wondering without me even asking.
So especially in the early days, I would have been better off not looking, focusing on myself, letting go and let be. I just didn't have the ability.
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Attaching x
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I wish I was on this thread when I first came on HS. I think it would help all LBS to be connected with their fellow LBS on similar journeys. It took me a while to figure that out!!! I didn't snoop until I realized he was running thru money!!! I had trusted him so much!!! Then I started finding out more stuff that shocked me!!! The trips with OP, porn, cigarette smoking, and credit card debt!!! How could this be the same man I had been married to for 22 years!!! I stopped after finding that out. I deleted him from all my social media sites. I knew more than I ever wanted. It wasn't making me feel better. So now I'm trying to get to a better place. The MLC seems to stick on me. It hard to peel all the layers of it offf!!i will see my vanisher for the first time since August for my daughter's graduation this weekend. Any words of advice my fellow LBS's if vanishers????
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i will see my vanisher for the first time since August for my daughter's graduation this weekend. Any words of advice my fellow LBS's if vanishers????
Look him right in the eyes - don't glance away or act like you're scared or angry. Doesn't mean you have to say anything.
When I saw Mr. Cowardly Vanisher in the store a few months ago I was trying to make eye contact with him. I wasn't going to say anything. Just look him in the eyes. But nope....by the time I paid and grabbed my bag he had disappeared to hide in the back of the store somewhere! ??? Still the Cowardly Vanisher.
Shocked - you just keep your head held high and do lots of smiling and laughing with everybody else there. You'll look and be fabulous, I'm sure!
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Shocked.....smile and be the epitome of class and grace. If it were me, I would work the crowd and mingle. I wouldn't even give him the time of day, but I would be sure he felt my presence. ;D
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Wow these threads did move quickly but then there was so much good info shared and yes the fact we have a very hard to deal with grieving someone alive type situation does make for a tough ride in a similar but different way.
We really have not a lot to go on. Anyone who has been following my thread the last few days will see how much social media from the OW has got me bending my brain into a pretzel shaped mess. It's really no good saying 'don't look' that's like trying not to imagine a pink elephant. While this stuff is so new I just have to. I need to try and assess what I'm really dealing with. I don't see a messed up MLCr looking totally dishelveled wallowing and having pity parties no I see a tired ish looking man (who has definitely aged) having what looks like a good time, settled in his new life. Or at least that's what OW is showing. I know that behind the scenes things aren't perhaps quite as rosy -she has called her ex late at night, she travels back to the exes local park to walk the dogs (an hour away) and we seem to play social media account public / private roulette - she makes it public when a new pic of my h or their life together goes up but will go back to private then back again and so on.
I don't know whether this is just vanisher style replay for x years and that this is quite normal? Nah I would say that your journey is the most insightful into a vanisher now starting to crawl out of the woodwork and start to show the true picture. But whether that's the norm is hard to know - not that any of this is normal btw. Because everyone is different and every situation will have unique parts it's probably always going to be hard to have a 'one size fits all' type approach but at least a rough guide of what to expect would be good. I've mentioned it before and it's worth mentioning again that the abandoned wives club site and book effectively describe vanishers. I wonder how many of those AWC men are actually in MLC? As I understand it the characteristics are slightly different in that they often just disappear over night with no explanation - the 'dear John' type scenario. But it clearly happens... and what's not clear is if there is any return stories? TBH it doesn't feel like the authors intention was to have standing LBSs in fact I think she would more likely advise against that?
That's why, in a way, with Vaniahers it feels more hopeless. Though I know a few peoples opinions on this are v different. Nah I think says she feels like most will want to return it's just the fact that because they vanished the LBS hasn't much to go on and so ordinarily moves on - correct me if I'm wrong Nah!!!
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That's why, in a way, with Vaniahers it feels more hopeless. Though I know a few peoples opinions on this are v different. Nah I think says she feels like most will want to return it's just the fact that because they vanished the LBS hasn't much to go on and so ordinarily moves on - correct me if I'm wrong Nah!!!
Well, every story is different.
I still think the most important factor isn't really what is going on at the moment as much as what the marriage was really like,,,, only each of us really know.
Also, vanishers are cowards,...plain and simple. So if the LBS reacted on no uncertain terms that they have no interest in the MLCer, well then, chances are slim. I'm not saying you need to send love notes every week (that will scare them even more), I'm just saying a little bit of kindness will go a long way in the long term, if that's what you want.
I also feel, like Beyond, that we really have to live like they are not coming back. Nothing is a guarantee, none of us here really know what will happen, so waiting and watching will only prevent us from living and won't do anybody any good whether or not they come back.
So I know many have been watching me b/c I had the unusual interaction of him opening up to me.
Like a true MLCer he has recently pulled back. It seems to me, it doesn't matter if they are a clinger or a vanisher, they still have many traits in common. LBSers of live-in MLCers are use to their spouses pulling back and forth, moving in and out, we are not. They leave and that's it.
So when mine opened up, yes, I did feel like he was moving towards me.
So he generously offered to sell my house for free, right? I received dozens of long-winded messages. So even though I took my house off of the market for a short time, I received a call and showed the house to a couple. I contacted the Leaver to let him know and he responded with a name of a real estate agent that works for the same company as him.
Honestly, I'm not up for another 3,4,5 years of him wavering. I'm not up for the "pick-me dance". I am certainly not up for playing the other woman to a man that use to be my husband.
So I know many were hoping that I would be one of those happy ending stories. The thing is, I am one of those happy ending stories. My happy ending is living life to the fullest,.... when this house sells, I'm quitting my job and I'm going to travel like crazy.
That phone call was a gift. Maybe it was what I needed to really truly let go.
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attaching
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I do think that too many LBS want so much to believe that these runaways had no idea what they were doing when they ran because the reality is quite the contrary. These men and women spent months, some years, suffering in silence and emotionally detaching from us....hence the "not in love with you speech". At that point, they really do see us as an obstacle in their path to happiness. We are misery personified to them. Sure, I do believe they are mentally disturbed, but they still function on a daily basis. They get up, they work, they take part in social activities, and then they lie, cheat, steal, you name it...the point is, they are still carrying on and making choices, albeit bad ones.
You can try to rationalize it, justify it, enable it, whatever, but at the end of the day, they are still firetrucking someone who isn't their spouse, they are still playing happy family with kids who are not their own, all the while ignoring their actual children, they are still stealing the money and assets amassed during the marriage, leaving way too many LBS in dire financial straits, all by their choice. Everyone of us will inevitably reach our own point of no return. We all have that line that cannot be uncrossed, and individually we will all ride off in our own self-created sunset when that time comes.
And I do agree with Nah, if your marriage was better than average, you may have a better chance of the runaway at least attempting some form of communication in the future. My marriage was barely average, although at BD, I offered to seek counseling in an attempt to at least try and salvage the 18 years we'd spent together. He declined and that was that. I simply decided I was worth way more than I had settled for in him. I have since become involved with a wonderfully caring, sweet, emotionally mature man, who has shown me what a truly loving relationship really is supposed feel like.
Now18 months later, my xh does not directly contact me, but has sent me screenshots of my posts on here, so I know he's watching. He's supposedly now engaged to the OW, but still keeping tabs on me....must be true love for them, right? lol He's also known about my bf since we started seeing each other. The other day when I was doing cardio at the gym, I saw him driving thru the parking lot, which could've been a coincidence, except that OW was still at work, waiting for him to pick her up.....all the way clear across town. Yeah, they still watch for whatever perverse reason. And believe me, I will never leave him to wonder just how much better off I am without him...all he has to do is keep watching because you can't fake the kind of happiness and success I've found since he's been gone. It's written all over my face, and the way I've chosen to carry on.
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Welcome to this new thread, blue rose.
I do not have a Vanisher, so can't add much but I support you guys.
It has to be so very hard. :-\
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Thank you thunder. It is hard. I chit chatted with my h about 3 weeks ago in my driveway. First time in a long time. I asked him how he has been and he didnt even ask me that back. The lack of caring or empathy is like a knife twisting in your heart every time.
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Beyonddone - thankyou for sharing your observations about your Exh with us standers. It is ironic how they cannot seem to drop the rope and nor can we. Why? The connection is still there and always will be.
I totally agree to an extent that they know what they are doing, thus why they runaway, it is the guilt. Are they in control? That remains the million dollar question. After reading recounts from Denjef, Happy and Shantilly Lace and even Nah's I believe they can't. They are in the deep mist of MLC. And boy do they make devastating choices which hurt their loved ones.
I believe in the MLC process. Look at this site and the others. Our stories are identical, how is this so? We don't know these people from around the world, yet our life stories are the same. Spouses of long term marriages vanishing - not only their wife/husband but their children and others. A high percentage of Mlcer's also have encountered childhood trauma/abuse. This just does not make sense and never will.
I too would dearly love to hear stories about Vanishers returning or coming out of the fog. Even reconnecting with the children that they abandoned. Unfortunately these stories are rare. If anyone knows of reconnection stories please share. It would help so many on this site.
I choose to stand, I know what our 28 year relationship was like. I know my husband, probably better than anyone else. I know that the man he was would be disgusted in his actions. He would be livid that any man could abandon his family. It is like a nightmare, but unfortunately it is not! Something is not right. He has monstered at many - he used to be such a placid man. He has put his family into financial hardship, struggling to survive, whilst he lives the high life. We are on the verge of loosing our family home. This is the same man that used to say that he would give his children everything and all the opportunities in life that he was not given. People tell me daily what a lowlife my H is, that I am better off without him, that he is not worth anything, I beg to differ. I just know my husband is still in that body somewhere, I am not giving up on him just yet. I trust the MLC process. Please don't get me wrong, I am not a weak woman, I used to tell him that if he played up that we would be finished. It is not until you experience something first hand that you really know what you would actually do. I surprised myself!
I believe in fate. If two people are meant to be together, they will find each other, irrespective of the severity of the curve balls life throws at us.
I am pleased that you have found happiness in your relationship. You certainly do deserve happiness. I guess now you can drop your rope and live a happy life. Xx
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Thank you, Rossbren for your kind words and understandING of my situation. My xh wasn't always the man he is today either, but I saw plenty of flashes of this person he has fully become today. The potential was always brewing at the surface. Yes, he was abused as a child, I get that and am fully aware that this has deeply damaged a part of his brain that may never recover. Internally, yes, he is a mess of a human being, and I just don't ever see him changing. I don't think he would even know where to begin or more to the point, that he even wants to. To many in his family have taken this exact path, in fact his younger brother is doing, and strangely enough, I think they are doing it together, as in having relationships with women who know each other. It is truly a bizarre situation, the more my SIL tells me. I wouldn't be at all surprised if my xh didn't somehow hook his brother up with this OW, either. Kind of ironic they both ended up with women from a town 45 minutes away from where we live, that neither would've been caught dead in just 5 years ago.
And it has been a steady, but gradual process of dropping the rope. Coming here and sharing my life and progress helps tremendously. The anger feel towards xh has dissapated slowly and has eased into deep disappointment. I do know for a fact that I will never trust him enough to have any kind of relationship with him. All the lies and deceit make him someone who has no place in my life. And as for my new love, things are going well. We have a lot of differences that we've had insightful discussions about, we've argued, too, but always fairly and constructively, which is a much different communication style than I had with xh. So, yes, life is different with the new man, and that is a blessing. At this point, I am still healing from the damage of xh, so the wonderful gift of time will do its thing and I will continue to keep living, moving forward, and choosing happiness and positivity as my core beliefs.
You are core that after 28 years, you know your H as he was during your M. I do understand you need and desire to stand for what you once had. It is very difficult to drop that rope because of the history it's tied to. There is nothing easy or quick about making the decision to move forward and leave the past behind. I hope that this journey leads you where you were meant to be in its end.
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I too would dearly love to hear stories about Vanishers returning or coming out of the fog. Even reconnecting with the children that they abandoned. Unfortunately these stories are rare. If anyone knows of reconnection stories please share. It would help so many on this site.
Just yesterday, a LBS who use to post on here posted on Fellowship (Facebook) that her divorce was final and her ex messaged her that he didn't want the divorce that she filed several years ago. ummm.... he was living with the ow and never conveyed that message to her until now, and it's too late she is very done.
I met this woman a few years ago at a meet-up and I can see why he is kicking himself.
I really truly think this is common. No, I don't think many out of the blue just "wake-up" out of the fog. I think it's a very slow process that just eats at them. I mean really, it's just all too crazy. Most of the stories are so similar. Why do so many of us say we were the couple that everyone envied? Many, many people before and after BD, so often asked me what was my secret to a happy marriage, or something along those lines. We were like giggly school kids up until he started to change. No one envies him now, people just shake their heads.
Geez, HE TOLD ME, that his life makes him physically sick, yet not only is he staying the course he is marrying her. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
So where are all the return stories?
We are not average women who were left. Hey, I'll say it, I'm a fire-trucking catch. My boyfriend can't believe his luck. He says it to me every single day. See, we are both in our early 50's and he has been out there in the dating world. I am loyal (I mean, geez, look what I put up with), I am intelligent, fun, I have a great job, I believe in family, the list goes on. Yes, I have baggage with what happened but at least I'm trying to figure it out and my role in this mess. I was surprised to find out that my crazy is mild comparative to most single middle-aged woman (according to boyfriend anyways ;D ).
So our MLCers release very good woman out into the world like we have no worth. When they throw us out there, we usually agree with them. We feel like we don't matter. The person who I believed in the most, stopped believing in me. Once I realized everything he was dumping on me was HIS issues and not mine, things started to turn.
Now I walk a little different, my head is higher, my smile is real. I feel confident, I feel alive. You know how I met my boyfriend? He tapped me on my shoulder. I wasn't at all looking, he spotted me from a distance in a crowd. He said I looked confident, classy in a room full of desperate lonely women. He said if he didn't try to talk to me, that he knew he would obsess about me for weeks.
So when my husband was going on about how bad is life is, how much he thinks about me and the life we use to have, he slipped in that he still didn't want to be married to me.
"GOOD!! " I said, "why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?"
That's why the return stories are rare.
I don't think there could possibly be a LBS out there that loved their spouse more than I love(d) the Leaver. My family was everything to me.
Once I was released, I found a new world of experiences. He now seems old, tired, boring, full of problems are no longer my problems.
Life goes on without them.
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Nah-I just wanted to say although my H is not a vanisher and I am taking a very different path, I have been reading your posts on the vanisher threads with great anticipation as you are giving a lot of good insight that is relevant even for us standers. Thank you.
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I agree Goner. :)
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So I have a question. My H is a vanisher.. but I think it was my doing?. He had already left home and was back for about year when another BD hit.. a big one.. He was having a sexting affair with this assistant 17 years younger... Anyway, he is not with her, she went back to her husband. My question is do they still seek out people like the original alienator.. broken, etc? He has told my D that he does not have a Girlfriend.. I am sure he has had flings but his first love is his work.. and a big part of why I think he is a MLCer. His goals were not meet when he thought they should be.
Also I feel like I was the one to make him vanish. I placed a boundary on him of 30 day of NC. I did tell him he wouldn't bother to call after the 30 days and I was right. We are at the 7 month mark of NC. I wonder if I did the right thing??? At the time it was I was recovering from Cancer.. but now I question myself.
Also he pushed for the D, which I filed for months ago.. but he seems to be stalling it by not doing what he need to on his part to get it done or he doesn't know what he has to do (he doesn't have an attny).. I bet if I would have insisted on him doing the filing it would not be filed at all. He also knows a lot about my life. I hear things every once in a while... I do not snoop.. I can't it is too painful. To me he sounds like a teenager that is trying to win over all the "Important" people. To me he sounds miserable and looks like a pathetic mid-aged man that is trying too hard to fit in.
Rossbren: I read your last post and I could have said it word for word. We are on the same time line and our stories like pretty much everyone are very similar.. we were the couple everyone envied.. I have a friend that modeled her relationship with her H after ours...
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In my opinion, they run because they can not face the guilt of what they have done. There is nothing you did or could have done differently to prevent it. They think its the only wzy to find their " happiness". These are some very messed up people we are dealing with. Out of sight, out of mind. We do not exist to them.
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I find these threads so helpful, I think I feel clearer and have more confidence in myself because of reading here, thank you all 😊
Even though my H is a 'vanisher' we have occasional contact via work emails, last personal contact was last August until I had to contact him last week about a personal matter ( financial / legal ) he responded pleasantly. ( I've detailed that conversation on my thread ). So other than occasional work emails he has run away and is trying to pretend I don't exist, he has vanished from our marriage and refuses to discuss me with anyone, so I think I'm still entitled to be in the 'vanisher' gang 😄
In my situation, I don't think he wanted to leave me, I think he'd decided that he wanted to be with me rather than OW, but didn't know how to get out of the mess he'd created. I discovered his affair ( June 2015) and I immediately made him leave. He rang OW to warn her that I knew and she packed her bags, left her husband without telling him and came to rescue my H, within an hour of me telling him to leave 😳 !! They ran away together and stayed in hotels ( cheap hotels because I cut him off from all our bank accounts 😂 ) and within a week she had found them somewhere to rent and they moved in together !! I have asked him since if that's what he wanted and he said 'no, but I just let her'😳
He wanted to come back a few months later and when I said I'd think about it, he went back to 'their' home and while she was at work he packed his bags and ran away from her 😂😂😂
He moved back locally and we started 'dating' for a few months. I didn't let him move back into our home, he didn't ask. I wanted him to prove himself, he'd hurt me so badly and I was scared. I hadn't found this site and I was pretty tough on him. It was too much like hard work for him, he was still in the clutches of MLC, depressed, angry and selfish, so unfortunately things didn't work out (I now think he still couldn't face what he'd done and I think it was shame that made him so defensive and angry )
He half heartedly contacted me for a little while but I was distant and he stopped. I discovered a few months later that he'd started seeing OW again, but isn't living with her.
That's when I found THS and started learning about real MLC. I think if I'd let him come home he would have still left again and gone back to OW. She's just something that makes him feel less bad about himself, so she was still an option for him when things got tough with us. I think him choosing to leave again would have hurt me even more, but I've questioned if I did the 'right' thing, I think I did 🤔
I think my vanisher thinks he's firetrucked his life, he's made his bed and he's just going to lie in it, he's still not thinking straight, he's still depressed, drinking too much and not himself. OW pursued him after he left her and told him she didn't care that he still loved me, that she would take him back no matter what, she's moved even closer ( but he's still not living with her ). When I discovered he'd gone back to her I did email him and he told me that he still loved me but that I wouldn't ever forgive him ( I have never said that ) so he decided to go back to OW. So in my case I truly believe H doesn't think OW is better than me ( OP is NEVER better than the spouse ) she is the easy option, but that doesn't change the fact my H is with another woman 🙁
I don't know if I'm standing, I still love him and want him to get out of his crisis and still think we have a chance of being together again, but that would involve a lot of hard work and he can't cope with that ( yet, I do still have some hope ). I'm not interested in being with anyone else and am still trying to put my broken heart back together, but I get more healed every day. I still miss my H and our lovely life that we had until MLC struck, but I don't know if he will find his way out of the tunnel, if he gets his skates on we might have a chance, but he has to find his own way out
He's living 5 minutes away and I never see him, he doesn't contact me and his family and colleagues tell me they're not allowed to mention me 🙁
I think this site is fab, whether standing or not, we are able to give and receive bits of insight that helps us understand we're not going mad. Even though the details are different in each situation, there are enough similarities to help us see MLC for what it really is
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Thank you Goner and Thunder,
We are all in this together. You never know who will pop out next.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0n8N98mpes
SHF.... I think, like me and most on this thread, you have an on and off, as opposed to a true vanisher.
I think we need a better name for them.
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A new name? Hmmmm, how about extreme @$$holes?
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Bluerose: Thank you. I agree with you.. they think it is the only way to find happiness.
SHF: I needed to hear what you said. I know that he was not ready to come home when he did.. I hoped.
I think my vanisher thinks he's firetrucked his life, he's made his bed and he's just going to lie in it, he's still not thinking straight, he's still depressed, drinking too much and not himself.
I don't know if I'm standing, I still love him and want him to get out of his crisis and still think we have a chance of being together again, but that would involve a lot of hard work and he can't cope with that ( yet, I do still have some hope ). I'm not interested in being with anyone else and am still trying to put my broken heart back together, but I get more healed every day. I still miss my H and our lovely life that we had until MLC struck, but I don't know if he will find his way out of the tunnel, if he gets his skates on we might have a chance, but he has to find his own way out
He's living 5 minutes away and I never see him, he doesn't contact me and his family and colleagues tell me they're not allowed to mention me 🙁
Wow they really do have a script.. Mine told me, I am "disappointed in him and hate him" I have never said those words. I never would. I have always told him I was proud of him.. that did not change even after all the BD's.. I did not see the point in being mean. He also told me I was to tell anyone that asks that, "My H was having a mid-life crisis". His words.. I have hope too.. not sure why..
Mine also lives 5 minutes away.. I worry I will run into him. I am okay with him seeing me. I just don't want to see him. I still panic when I see a truck like his on the road.. I am not sure if it is I'm afraid of what I may see or if I am afraid of him wanting to talk and him being the same mean, cruel person he has become... probably both.
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Nah, thanks for sharing the YouTube video, it just made my day ;D ;D ;D,
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A new name? Hmmmm, how about extreme @$$holes?
I'm in. I would wager that BeyondDone would go for this one too. ;D
Shelly, I often said mine didn't waver but he did once, just a little. It was two months post BD, he called me to "say hi", it was weird. I blew him off and thought, "finally!!", I was so excited that he was on the path to pursue me. I was wrong. He moved in with her a few weeks later. I thought I blew it and wrote about it on here. It was Stayed that said, if he ran, no matter what I said, he would have done it eventually anyways. She was right. Four years ago, he was no where near ready to come home. If he did, we would have just gone through more pain and drama. So now I'm glad it happened the way it did.
As for them accusing us of hating them? Yes, ditto. Of course mine said the same things. I corrected him and said I was insulted b/c he should know me enough to know I don't have the ability to hate him. Per projection, plain and simple. They hate themselves.
As for what to tell other people.
The Leaver likes to say, "Nah and I were on a different page, we are now friends". He has said this countless of times to many people.
I just simply say, "He left me".
He hates, hates, hates that I say this to people. He has brought this up to me soon after BD, (angry that his hockey friends were calling him stupid), throughout his crisis and just recently during that last phone call. He is angry with me that most people are disgusted with his actions.
I have never wavered, not once. I calmly say the same thing to him verbatim, "I will not lie for you. I can't control how people feel about what you have done. That is their perceptions and their feelings. I am not that powerful."
He still feels I have magically turned the world against him.
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Nah: Thank you for your post. I love the way you explain things. I do know... deep down I did all I could and nothing was going to help him or us...
Not that I would know but I also feel like H thinks I turned the world against him... boy are we powerful or what!!!
Love the youtube as well!
Name; Let see. Pathetic stalkers from a distance..
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I agree he's not a complete vanishers, I've seen him once ( at a funeral ) since April 2016 and we've had one none work related message last August. Work email contact is very occasional and I always include the other directors in any messages that I need to send, so it does feel like he's vanished from my personal life, maybe we should classify him as a 'Hider' ?? 😂
But I like Blueroses suggestion 😂
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SHF.
I think mine is an off and on-er too. I like the name Hider. Lol ;)
Avoider is also a good one.
Nah, that video was hilarious. And I'm curious about what H says to other people too.....I'm even more curious as to what he tells OW since we are still legally married and he's still financially responsible. :o Maybe she's so desperate she doesn't care....
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I call my exH The Cowardly Vanisher.
Absolutely NO contact since the first week of September last year. And that was a text to me asking if I could leave the back door open so he had access to the house. HUH?! Are you frigging kidding me??
My BD was Jan 1, 2016 (his 53rd bday). I didn't even get the ILYBINILWY speech. I got, "I don't love you." Took about 15 minutes tops. I was so shocked I didn't even cry. I kind of went numb. I remember telling him we could go for counseling and he angrily told me he wasn't going to any counseling and he didn't care what people said. I asked him if there was another woman and he angrily stated that he guessed he was "just a loner." HUH??? Since when? I've known him since he was 13 years old. A loner?? Not in the first 53 years of his life!
He then proceeded to tell me he needed to "get out of here" and walked out the door and left in his truck with nothing but the clothes on his back. I now know what an extreme state of shock feels like. I figured he went to his mommy's house and two days later when I went to work he came back and got clothes and a few personal things.
I knew even the day after BD that my exH was having a crisis of some kind combined with some serious depression.
I was a mess, but I refused to contact him. I figured if he needed space I'd give it to him. And he didn't contact me. At all. On Valentines Day I arrived home from work to find divorce papers laying on the kitchen counter. Two days later I had an attorney because I wasn't going to lose everything I'd worked for over the last 30 years. By that time I'd heard that he'd found a true gutter troll (love that term, beyond!) and moved her into his mommy's house with him. She was in the process of divorcing her third husband. :o
My MLCer never made any attempts to come home, never wavered in the least. Monstered to my lawyer's office about how slow the D was moving. I had a message from my lawyer that D was final on July 26th. I have no idea when he found out.
They live 5 minutes away from me with his mommy and I've seen him twice in the last 9 months. Once in the local restaurant with her and once by himself in a local store. Both times he wouldn't even look at me.
I have no idea what he tells people about us. He doesn't talk to most of this small community that he grew up in. I tell everybody he left me. I also add that he just walked out and never looked back.
And I still have things in this house that someday he's going to want. I figure that some day, years down the road, my thread is going to be more interesting when he is forced to contact me to get them! :)
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SB, I will be very very surprised if you don't hear from him within 2-3 years.
I notice around 3-yrs seems to be common when the "Hiders" start to peek.
True vanishers do happen but you are not even at the 18 month mark yet.
Willing to move in with a married man in his 50's into his MOTHER'S HOUSE?!? Divorcing her 3rd Husband??? Who needs anymore details? Seriously?
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My BD was April 2012 with the confession of an affair. We swept things under the rug for 2 years until he left May 2014. Moved in with ow straight away. Only contact was d papers.
Have not seen him or spoken to him in almost 3 years, think I can call him a vanisher.
We had been together 32 years.
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My BD was April 2012 with the confession of an affair. We swept things under the rug for 2 years until he left May 2014. Moved in with ow straight away. Only contact was d papers.
Have not seen him or spoken to him in almost 3 years, think I can call him a vanisher.
We had been together 32 years.
Wow, Saskia, I'm so sorry.
Yes, yours right now does seem like a true vanisher.
They have been known to change "types" but one never knows.
32 years is a long time.
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My BD was April 2012 with the confession of an affair. We swept things under the rug for 2 years until he left May 2014. Moved in with ow straight away. Only contact was d papers.
Have not seen him or spoken to him in almost 3 years, think I can call him a vanisher.
We had been together 32 years.
Whoa.....now that's a vanisher. :o
How are you doing now, Saskia? Stick around. We'd like to get to know you! :)
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SB, I will be very very surprised if you don't hear from him within 2-3 years.
I notice around 3-yrs seems to be common when the "Hiders" start to peek.
True vanishers do happen but you are not even at the 18 month mark yet.
Willing to move in with a married man in his 50's into his MOTHER'S HOUSE?!? Divorcing her 3rd Husband??? Who needs anymore details? Seriously?
So, Nah, you don't want to know that she's actually had FOUR marriage licences in just this county??!? One lucky guy got away before she snared him!
Her most recent exH called me one evening last August. He seemed to be quite okay with the Cowardly Vanisher taking her off his hands. Said life was going well for him and wanted to see how I was doing as he'd heard that I was pretty shocked.
I refuse to give her any importance - she's probably even beneath gutter troll status! Maybe beyond can come up with another term for her!
Oh, and for the record....they're still living with his mother! ;D
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Yikes SB.
No questioning MLC there.
As you already know the best way to handle those types of ow is ignore, ignore, ignore. Let them do the dirty work for you. Man, I would love to be a fly on the wall in that house.
The best thing that happened to me was the Leaver's first band. They all knew me, most of them for 30+ years. So here comes this 20-something year old girl trying to take my place. She was younger than many of the band wives children!!
I was completely gone, total hands off.
I heard over a year later that I would come up in stories, I mean, old friends reminisce, right? She would completely flip out if my name came up. Can you imagine what she does when they are alone? Thing is, when we were going through the divorce, talk about finances, even when he talked about me traveling (he snarkily brought up my boyfriends, pronouncing the "S" extra long), I never brought up the girl. In the early days he sometimes used the word "we" when talking about where he lived and it would sting like a knife in my heart but I still gave zero reaction. Even our recent conversation I said, "then why are YOU getting married" again, I never brought up anything about her, she is an "it". I refer to her on here as the "girl", like she is a table. I do that on purpose.
He has zero reason to defend her to me. Again, I do that on purpose. How about when I come up? Do you think she says anything nice? He has two choices, go along with it and let the truth fester inside him or defend me. We will always be a ghost that haunts that relationship. Always.
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I dont know if my stbx has an ow. I think his ow is work. He had an awful lot of anger towards me. Not really sure why. Wish someone could explain that to me lol...
I believe he is off and on... only on when I contact him. So maybe a vanisher bc he doesnt contact me. Who knows.... I sure wish I could get some answers. He walked away with mothing and he seems to be fine with that.
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Me again... I truly am starting to believe that my stbx does not love me anymore. If he loved me at all he would not treat me so poorly. I actually am believing all the spew he says.
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Tyks,
Dont you believe any of the venom he spews at you. Its not true. Its all script. They say it to justify in their mindsthat you deserve this. After thinking all of the negative about us for so long they believe it. They cant see any good in us any more. Their anger comes from them blaming us for everything wrong in their lives is our faults. Dont believe any of it.
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Tyks: I am probably not the best to help you but don't believe the spewing as how he feel about you. It really is about the way he feels about himself. Which is really sad if you think about it. I too feel that way somedays.. but then I remember even after he said he wanted the D. Which he was sure of... he still called me honey and babe. Is that someone that really doesn't love you. People say it a habit.. I don't believe that. I know yours did this too. Maybe not exactly the same but something similar. He hates himself and everything he is doing right now. He does has not courage to face you because you know him better than he really know himself. (to me another sad realization our MLCer will have to come to terms with.. someday).
Remember they almost think we are one with them so who better to blame and spew at than us.
I hope that helps... Hugs my cyber friend! It will someday get better for all of us.
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You guys... (((HUGS))))
My stbx gave me crap the other day for calling him honey. I AM NOT HONEY... I AM FIRSTNAME. So that tells me he feels nothing for me anymore :(
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Sounds more like he is just angry and trying to get you to react b/c he knows it hurts you. Remember believe only about 1/2 of what you hear and see. His head is in the fog and he can't see the destruction he is doing.
It is painful and we have all been there...
I am so sorry you feel this way but I do not think you should take it as he doesn't care... he can't care it would mean he gets what he is doing. Love doesn't just go away.. Yours didn't even after all the stupid s$$te he has done... and is doing.. Relax and be patient.. I know it is difficult but you are strong.
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Me again... I truly am starting to believe that my stbx does not love me anymore. If he loved me at all he would not treat me so poorly. I actually am believing all the spew he says.
I know exactly where you are coming from and you're very brave for expressing your fears.
You are less than one year in.... that's nothing.
My husband had me 100% convinced that I was old, fat, and ugly inside and out. I drank the Kool-aide. I believed him. That's when I was at my lowest.
You know what? I won't lie, right now he probably doesn't love you, he is dead inside. This is what p!sses me off the most about MLC.... THEIR insecurities bleed onto us and we accept that it is ours to own.... IT IS NOT!!!
So for today, forget about what he thinks about you.
This is your fake it till you make it stage. How's that LBS diet going for you? It was the ONE thing I liked about MLC.... I went down to my pre-pregnancy weight (I'm back up btw,... not that it matters now).
This is the time to buy that new outfit, new shoes, nails, whiten the teeth, and lipstick, I never tried lipstick until I was almost fifty.... who knew how awesome a tube of lipstick can be?? ;D ;D AND please... invest in a good bra, nothing more important than a good bra.
I started to pretend no matter where I went, grocery store, Walmart, it didn't matter I might run into them. I wanted to look fabulous just in case. btw--- when I did run into them 6 months ago, I did look fabulous and it was awesome, she looked like she just rolled out of a car crash...lol
Think about your body language. I started to walk with a purpose, shoulders back, head up, look people in the eyes and smile.
Shortly after I started to change my outside appearance I was walking across a parking lot at an outside mall. A mailman in his truck called me over. "ummm.... excuse me, miss?" I walked over thinking he was going to ask for directions.
He said, "I just wanted to tell you, you are breathtaking" :o
What? My husband of 28 years just left me because I'm old and used up. Why is this stranger complimenting me? I hadn't been hit on in years, why now?
It's all about attitude baby, it's all in the attitude.
Oh.... just thought of this one.
At a parade about a month later, I was wearing white jeans, wedges, and a light blue tank, I was tanned and toned. A group of his hockey friends spotted me and started to "cat-call" and then they realized who I was,...lol... wonder if that's when they started to call him stupid. ;D
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Nah, I literally love every single post you write. You need to write a book along with 1t and I need you both on speed dial! ;D
Tyks - my guess is you have been well and truly compartmentalised due to a bit of cognitive dissonance. I'm in that compartment too. I often doubt and wobble (as you well know from my thread recently) it's hard to stop our whiring minds from getting out of hand. I think there is enough on here to start to believe the fog and the non feeling and the MLCrs starting to wake up (the link 1t shared on my thread was invaluable for snippets of MLCrs accounts). Yet I STILL end up thinking 'but maybe my H is different' - I mean come on sparkle's brain gimme a break here!
Nah, Shelley, I too had a 'false hope' when H met my friend and seemed to regret and be trying to work out a way back and for a bit I was a tad too sure of myself only to be royally disappointed. Maybe this is an MLC symptom - an early 'wobble' for them that looks like a return that's then followed by a commitment to what they are doing - running. That's 3 instances on just this thread now.... shows there's weight in the theory that they just have to commit to what they are doing whether they want to or not....
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Nah, I literally love every single post you write. You need to write a book along with 1t and I need you both on speed dial! ;D
Haha.... fifty shades of MLC
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Nah: I am with sparkle on this one... speed dial..
Sparkle: I just read 1t's post to you. It was great..
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NAH IS THE BOMB!!!
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NAH IS THE BOMB!!!
That can't be true. My husband left me. ;)
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I have had more random encounters with men of all age ranges in my entire life since xh ran away. I was blown away the first few times because hey, I'd just went been dumped by a man half as impressive as many of these men. lol I wondered what the heck was going on, but this whole time, I was working out, eating well, tanning and my confidence came back stronger than it's ever been, and it's been full speed ahead ever since. Almost every man I know thinks confidence is sexy as hell, so get your groove on and shine! I truly think it has xh's head spinning and I find that so amusing and laughable. Now, I know looks don't necessarily matter, but let's face it, they are the first thing a person is intially attracted to, and let me just say, Nah, xh's OW makes a car crash look pedestrian. And I am now enjoying the fruits of my labor and mirror work. Life is good.
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Nah, xh's OW makes a car crash look pedestrian.
The old Affair Down..what is wrong with our Mlcer's? Maybe eye sight is also affected 😂😂😂😂😂
My kids think the "Slore" looks like a horse - big head and teeth..how I love my kids honesty haha
Happy Mothers Day from AUSTRALIA all my fellow LBS's 😘😘
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My kids think the "Slore" looks like a horse - big head and teeth..how I love my kids honesty haha
Slore??? That is absolutely priceless! Ranks right up there with beyond's "Gutter Troll". ;D
And thanks for the Happy Mother's Day wishes, Ross. It's going to be a great day.
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SLORE - a phrase my daughter picked up from the Kardashians.....a combination of two of the most lowest forms of a female...not a nice word at all, but appropriately fits the messed up OW...lol
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Attaching to your thread BR.
I m reading along.
Happy mothersday
Mara
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Happy Mother's Day Ya'll!!!
Just curious... How many of ya'll heard from your mlcer for mothers day??
I wonder how many poke their little heads out, for holidays???
Have a fabulous day!
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Just curious... How many of ya'll heard from your mlcer for mothers day??
No text for me.....but he did send his generic repetitive text to the kids......winning their...no one replied
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Wondering how many of you with vanishers or off and on-ers are still legally married to your H and that h/she is still financially responsible. Do you have minimal contact with them?
H and I don't have kids together. We own two homes together. H still has stuff at the house. I continue to be perplexed why he still continues to pay and not initiate a D.
I can only think it's obligation, guilt, fear of facing financial loss, or a little of everything. Just curious as to how many others are in a similar situation. I remember Chookie being one.
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Happy Mother's Day Ya'll!!!
Just curious... How many of ya'll heard from your mlcer for mothers day??
I wonder how many poke their little heads out, for holidays???
Have a fabulous day!
I think everyone on this thread is also on my thread but yes, my MLCer did send me a "Happy Mothers Day message".... first time in over years.
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I'm still married to my H and he's a vanisher / touch and goer BD was 8 months ago.
He still contributes to our joint account to pay the mortgage and he has stuff here - a lot of stuff. He has suggested he wants it but then doesn't arrange to get it. He has also mentioned divorce once but nothing materialised.
I suspect he keeps paying because he is legally obliged to while he is on the mortgage and he hasn't done anything about it all really because that's just eth type of person he is he avoids. he hasn't got around to it as its akward and will be a negative experience and as he avoids conflict he just 'ostrichs'
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I'm still married to my H and he's a vanisher / touch and goer BD was 8 months ago.
Still very early, sounds like he is in the escape and avoid stage.
The Leaver would have done the same but I filed within days of BD.
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We are still married. He filed for divorce 3 months ago today. Threatened it for 2 years. The ow picked his lawyer for him. Who really wants this divorce? Did not help financially until i filed for child support. Still does not offer any more than he has to pay.
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Very common BR. Most MLCers do not liking making decisions, they hand over all the decision making, usually to the Other Person.
I fully believe if I didn't file for divorce, we would most likely still be married.
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I would very likely still be married, too, if I hadn't pushed for it. He filed, but did little after. I did the best I could do for myself and my future and have never regretted avoiding that limbo. In my case, it truly was a lost cause because I knew I'd never allow him back.
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Puffer is the exact opposite... He's the kind that filed behind my back, Mother's Day, 2 years ago.. Wanted it done asap only to then drag it out to punish me.. A psychotic game of cat and mouse....
He almost succeed in crippling me, financially and emotionally. I don't know why but something clicked inside of me about a year in and I forced him to finish it.
I made the decision to stop emotionally cutting myself and denying who I am because of his choices. I stopped living in the shadow, I had to be me and live now....
Odd aren't they... All so similar but yet so different.... Yet they all are cheese whiz brains!!!
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Cheese whiz brains! Love it!!
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I am still married to the vanishet on and offer. We have a legal separation agreement only because I initiated it. He signed everything over to me and he pays child support. I would still be in limbo if I hadn't initiated.
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No mother's day wishes here and no happy bday in march. No merry christmas and no haooy new year. Just thrown out like yesterday' trash
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It took four years until I got a Happy Mothers Day.
It's not over until you say it's over.
Father's Day is coming up shortly.
It's up to you what you want to do.
I honestly think when I did send him a nice Father's Day message 2 years back, he didn't think for a second about whether or not he wished me anything. It wasn't a contest it was just what I was thinking at the time. When the kids were growing up ( before MLC) he was an awesome dad. So I told him so.
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No mother's day wishes here and no happy bday in march. No merry christmas and no haooy new year. Just thrown out like yesterday' trash
Yeah.. me either... it was crickets.. nothing!
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Happy Mother's Day to my very dear fellow LBSers!!!!!! I know I'm a day late. And no he did not say it to me.
I need to do a bit of writing. Yesterday was the graduation. My girls saw him briefly. I never saw him or heard from him. I did not reach out to include him or his parents to sit with us. They did not come downstairs for photos. I doubt that he wanted to be with me. I am feeling guilty today. Should I have been more gracious and invited them? Doesn't matter now. This vanisher will be gone now for a long time. That was my chance to see him. I'm sure he's not done cooking as they say. I knew this was a sort of test on how it would be. I am feeling I failed. I wanted to see what he threw away. I know crazy LBS talk!!!! This felt like it's the really over moment. No more connections left. :'(
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Hey now, Shocked. Go easy on yourself. I posted on your thread that I am not surprised that your MLCers made no effort to contact you. I'm not sure what you think you failed at. He didn't need to talk to you yesterday to know what he threw away. He knows that. Right now he won't admit it to himself or anybody else.
Can you explain why you think that yesterday was the "last" connection you think there is? Will there not be other events in your daughters' lives that he would possibly be attending?
The excitement and build up of the day are past. Some of that is probably contributing to your "funk" today. Hang in there, Shocked. You will bounce back. Keep posting and drawing strength and support from people here who understand some of what you're feeling.
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Shocked,
I wouldnt be so sure about that. I guarantee he probably seen you. I went through this same thing last year at s19' s graduation. I did not invite him and he pressured s19 into inviting him. He sat a few rows directly behind me. Im sure it was to see if i would look at him. I did not give him thr satisfaction. At this point we had nc for over 6 months. I did not talk to him or invite him to be in any pictures. That thought still makes me sad. He kept his distance from me and my family. 3 months after thst he was on my doorstep telling me he wasnt happy and wanted to work things out. He barely even tried for a month and then ran away again. My point to this is anything can happen.
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You never saw him b/c he knew EXACTLY where you were the entire time.
I would bet my life on it.
You concentrated on your daughter which was perfect.
Way to go!!
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Shocked... I told my ic once that I failed. He said how did you fail? Look at how much you've learned and grown. That is not failure!
Keep your chin up. You did great
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Shocked....He ran away in true MLC form. Of course he saw you and knew exactly where you were at all times. Obviously you made an impression because he couldn't face you again....the classic MLC Coward.
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I've just had a text from my H (Vanisher, divorce final any day now), the first text in approx 15 months! He's giving me a 'heads up' that he will need to collect his things from the garage. It's coming up to three years and I've got rid of 90% of his things. When I went to court with him last November, the entire house and garage contents were signed over to me. I think he must be moving into a larger property with OW2 (mid to late twenties). I honestly thought H was too much of a coward to ever contact me again. I've emailed my solicitor for advice as I'm almost certain that when H finds out it's all gone, he will stop paying child maintenance, even though it was arranged with a court order as he's been so difficult with money. This all makes me feel physically ill 😔
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Shocked,
There is a HUGE difference in avoiding you and watching, from a distance. He was watching... oh was he ever....
I think that most vanishers do very little except watch... It's all they are capable of ... They can't do anything BUT watch... They are completely incapable of anything more. Vanishers CANNOT face us. It's much like arm chair quarter backs. They've never played a single down of football but sit back and watch it all, waiting to voice their "professional" opinion.. and when they do, it's nothing but projection and blame... YOU DID GREAT SHOCKED!!! YOU DID NOT FAIL!!! Far from it!!!
Don't worry about losing those connections. Do you really want to be hooked up to something like that??? Remember what you are dealing with now and don't lose sight of the fact that if reconciliation is what the future holds, those connections will be reestablished, when the time comes. You want healthy connections not frayed, busted wires that are completely crossed and causing a short circuit!
Chin up princess or the crown slips!!! :)
Sending hugs and prayers!
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Blondie....
Not only does he have nothing to stand on, at this point it's probably an excuse for contact.
It's what vanishers do.
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I have an off and on/vanisher. For the first year we lived 30 minutes from each other and his affair was long distance and he was kind of alternating between off and on and clinger. 15 months after BD, he moved to be with OW and I stopped responding to him so he followed my lead and became more of a vanisher.
I truly don't believe he's watching me at all. I moved to a new state in November and he doesn't know this area or anyone in this area. He doesn't talk to anyone who would know what I am up to. And he can't see any of my social media.
He lives about 8 hours away now with OW and in all likelihood, we will never be in the same room together ever again. He hasn't filed for divorce because he claims his new job in his new city are keeping him very busy, but I am filing here in my new state in about a week.
We have no children. Sometimes (very rarely) he communicates with me about our dog, who currently lives with him. But he doesn't ask anything about me or my life. He's really very much in the dark about my daily life and what I'm up to. And I don't think he has any interest in knowing.
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What do vanishers watch for though?
Surely out of sight out of mind.
If they are so sure if their choice why watch? And how do we know they are watching?
I know my H was back before Jan it was then I booted him off Instagram though my profile is public. He's not on Facebook anymore and I rarely post. We live in different towns and we don't have common friends we physically see I'm connected to his friends on social media but I doubt H would ask them.
So maybe they try not to look or check or watch?
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Hi Nah ☺ I did wonder that, he's not needed any of it for the last three years (much like your leaver's golf clubs) ::)
The last time my H collected anything (Nov 2015), he would have been able to see his things had started to diminish. I think I am just going to get my solicitor to write to him.
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Definitely protect yourself.,. That's number one.
Their words and their actions rarely match.
Once the grass isn't greener really starts to become real, they need an excuse to take a peek at what they left.
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That`s very sad Nas but you seem to be a very strong lady and in a good place mentally.
Somebody mentioned in another thread that in a lot of cases Vanishers are too cowardly to face their LBSers. I can well imagine that this will apply to my P too. He was a living at home CB for a total of 7 years, with the exception of his disappearing acts on two occasions last year, last April/May for 8 days and last November for a total of 4 weeks.
He finally left without saying a word on the 18th of April and is doing everything humanly possible to ruin me. I cannot imagine him ever being able to look me in the eye again in the case that he should happen to come out of his MLC fog one day and also manages to kick his addiction. It`s heartbreaking as I know that somewhere buried very, very deep inside of him is the P that I have loved for so many years and am still finding it hard to believe that he could be so evil.
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Thank you all so much for pulling back up!!! I feel like I should apologize to his parents for not seeking them out. I feel like I should take the high road. Is that a mistake? I'm constantly second guessing myself!!!
Blondie, your are right to let the lawyers tell him those items are no longer his. If there is actually stuff you want to give him send him a note that you will leave the items on your porch at a specific time. Then don't be home or have a friend there instead of you.
Sparkle you raised good questions. I have no answers!
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I have been lurking for quite a while now and have contemplated responding to this topic and decided today's the day.
I am not new to MLC. I have years under my belt and can share with you that I have a true vanisher in every sense of the word. I have not seen or heard from my ex in 8 years. He never looked back once we were divorced. There was an affaired down OW and a lot of addictions that sucked him further into his vortex.
I have worked hard to become the woman I am today but I won't lie that there are still remnants of the hurt and wondering if I'll ever hear from him again.
We had no children so it's highly unlikely our paths will cross again.
I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.
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I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.
Welcome Ro828
8 years...wow! Please share with us all, when you can. Mlc really sucks.
You hit the nail on the head - it is the shame and guilt which makes them run away. They are cowards!
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I believe shame, guilt and avoidance keeps him away.
WOW.... 8 years is a very long time.
If you feel like you can handle it, have you thought about contacting him instead of waiting for him to make the first move?
I'm not talking reconciliation, just a HI I was thinking of you and hope you are doing OK, kind of thing.
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Ross,
Thank you for the kind welcome.
I'll be brief with my history. BD Oct. '06. Stood for 2 yrs. Divorced Feb '09. He affaired down with a rather troubled alcoholic, substance abused individual. He exhibited all the signs of a MLer. Depressed, angry, shark eyes. Financially went crazy. She made him feel the hero. He wanted a different love and life. I received the 'ILYBNILWY'.
He left the first time for 3 months then came back for one year only to find out he was still in contact with the crazy OW. He left me on her birthday. Next time I saw him was at mediation (didn't even recognize him in the hallway). Then at divorce. Never once has he tried contacting me. Nor me him. It's now been a decade. His new life resembles nothing of his old.
Nah,
I have read many of your posts and you seem very wise.
Yes, I have thought about contacting him but it's only in thought. Sadly, this weekend would have been our anniversary. I don't contact him for several reasons. For starters, I don't believe he wants to hear from me. Secondly, I believe he married the OW. Third, I'm not quite sure he has come out of his crisis and if he hasn't it wouldn't bode well. Those are to name a few as to why I don't contact. I have others.
The old him was riddled with shame, guilt and avoidance instilled by his upbringing. I don't ever see him having the strength to contact me. He'll just keep pressing forward with the new life he's carved out for himself. Deluding himself that he's happy. Then again maybe he is. That's what's hard about having a vanisher, you don't know. Lots of unanswered questions.
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Welcome Ro828.
Wow - you have quite the vanisher. I'm glad you dropped in to join our discussion. I hope you'll stick around. We can be a pretty fun group when we really get our game on!
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Ro828: My questions is how are you? How have you coped? I don't mean to pry but you have been through so much it would be nice to hear how you are.
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Our Vanisher went off like a tornado 5 years ago and never seemed to look back. Rid himself of anything and everything to do with his then current life. Don't think he spies on me as there is nobody around the kids and I (his family didn't even speak to the kids when he was here so no surprise they don't do it now - red flags right there), and I don't have any social media accounts. I don't think he cares one bit, although he and OW are probably just biding their time waiting for payday when we sell our home. He has a fight on his hands when that day comes as I won't back down.
When S contacted him recently to tell him about the man he is becoming (how sad is that), H had no clue about anything to do with the kids, not how old they are, which school, nothing. Not a single clue. The conversation was shallow from start to finish. H still in dreamworld with OW and no sense of remorse at all. As if nothing happened and he did absolutely nothing wrong. Referred to some of the items he left behind, rambled on about some system of how to pay for healthcare costs where he lives. WFT? Who does that, and especially to a child you have abandoned and not spoken to in years, and one you don't pay support for.
I do think he has gone for good. My intuition feels that we will always have a bond and that yes he thinks of me on my birthday and maybe Mother's Day. I am most probably wrong but I just feel it. Doesn't change anything. There is no reason for our paths to ever cross as he lives hundreds of miles away...which I am thankful for as it helped with our healing.
We definitely live as if he isn't coming back. I'm okay with that now. Never know what tomorrow brings but I am sure not sitting around waiting to find out. Our lives are more peaceful and we are somewhat happier. Not walking on eggshells as we once did. I am also a firm believer in things are meant to happen and that we have no control over others, only ourselves. This is his journey, and I am on mine, and it isn't for me to decide his path - we had over 20 years together and I always said I would never want to be with a person who didn't want to be with me. Wasn't as I'd hoped for and the way it happened caused so much pain, but it happened. I detest what he did, especially to the kids, but he has gone - all I can do is be there for them and make their lives as good as I can as a single parent. We struggle to pay bills and we go without, but in the end, they are loved and have a warm home and food - so life is good, we are lucky.
Us LBS's are a tough bunch. So proud of us!
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Us LBS's are a tough bunch. So proud of us!
Yes, yes we are, Snowdrop. Thanks for reminding us all.
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Us LBS's are a tough bunch. So proud of us!
Yes, yes we are, Snowdrop. Thanks for reminding us all.
Yes we are...until the masks temporarily falls off, we then pull ourselves together again and solder on. We are selfless individuals despite the hurt and betrayal. ❤️
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Thanks Still!
Shelly,
To answer your question the first four years were pure hell. I dealt with the shock of it all, the newness of being single again. Got myself a great IC and really mourned the death of my marriage and what I thought my life was supposed to be. I didn't rush the process and really felt the pain. I journaled, read a lot, reacquainted myself with God and began reading his word, prayed and surrounded myself with loving family and friends. Still, I don't believe one ever truly heals from this experience. It forever changes you. Good and bad.
Today, I accept what happened but I can still get angry about how it played out. I don't miss my ex any longer but at times miss my old life. I do wonder how he is, if he's happy, healthy. I do deep down believe he knows he messed up. Even if he'll never be able to verbalize it to me. You can't trade in someone like me to be with someone like he has now and be happy in the long run. Just my opinion though.
Since my D I started two businesses, went to Europe a couple of times, have been able to spend quality time with my aging parents and got my CPL just to name a few. I have many friends and a solid family. Yes, I've dated but came to realize I'm not willing to settle for any man just to be a couple. There are a lot of broken men in my area and this experience has given me razor sharp abilities to read them (LOL). I'm open to prospects though. I have no desire to remarry. I don't ever want to be financially tied to anyone. One day I hope to find a companion but I'm not in a rush. Right now I'm enjoying life. God has me right where he wants me and when he wants to change course it'll happen. I can honestly say I am happy and content but a continuous work in progress.
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Ro - you sound like you are doing very well.
Like I said before, I hope you'll stick around and share your wisdom, your experiences and your positive attitude. You'd be a great addition to our family.
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Ro...sounds to me like you've done everything right. You accepted that this was a situation beyond your control and then left him to live his life as he chose to do. It is so hard in the beginning because we knew the MLC'er as they were prior to going off the rails. That is the big thing that many a LBS struggles with in letting go. I am truly glad for this board though because if not for it, I might still be twisting in the wind waiting for my xh to come to his senses. That is not a tell pleasant or productive place to be.
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It forever changes you. Good and bad.
Yes.
Ro828.... we could use your wisdom. You seem like a very strong woman.
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I am truly glad for this board though because if not for it, I might still be twisting in the wind waiting for my xh to come to his senses.
I don't consider myself twisting in the wind - the kids and I are moving forward but are standing for our family - trusting the process - and yes I do believe that he will come to his senses, whether we are still standing then or not is another story. Don't write them all off completely beyonddone.
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I didn't say all. I speak for no one but myself. I no nothing of anyone else's situation, except what they share, and that hardly qualifies me to pass that kind of judgement. However, if someone chooses to share how cruelly they are being treated, and they seem complacent to it, I will call them out on that. Abuse in any situation is plain unacceptable, but what one chooses to allow will continue.
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I didn't say all. I speak for no one but myself. I no nothing of anyone else's situation, except what they share, and that hardly qualifies me to pass that kind of judgement. However, if someone chooses to share how cruelly they are being treated, and they seem complacent to it, I will call them out on that. Abuse in any situation is plain unacceptable, but what one chooses to allow will continue.
Do you mean me beyonddone. If so, you have absolutely no right. My P is not only in MLC but obviously has a severe problem with his addiction, which I only found out last Friday has been going on for at least 6 or 7 years and not sporadically for the past couple of years which I thought. This in no way justifies his cruel behaviour BUT he is definitely sick and if you were to take the time and look up the side effects you would learn that the awful way he`s been treating me is a typical symptom. Other than that I am absolutely not complacent about what he`s done to me, you have no idea how furious and upset I am on the one hand but on the other I am also very worried about him as I`m probably the only person who is concerned about his well being.
Other than that I am sure that there are many other LBSers here whose spouses or partners have similar addictions and who are also behaving very badly but they are too ashamed to mention it on their threads. I felt that way myself and it took me a hell of a long time before I plucked up the courage to do so.
Try putting yourself in the same position!
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I am truly glad for this board though because if not for it, I might still be twisting in the wind waiting for my xh to come to his senses.
I don't consider myself twisting in the wind - the kids and I are moving forward but are standing for our family - trusting the process - and yes I do believe that he will come to his senses, whether we are still standing then or not is another story. Don't write them all off completely beyonddone.
Thanks Still!
Shelly,
To answer your question the first four years were pure hell. I dealt with the shock of it all, the newness of being single again. Got myself a great IC and really mourned the death of my marriage and what I thought my life was supposed to be. I didn't rush the process and really felt the pain. I journaled, read a lot, reacquainted myself with God and began reading his word, prayed and surrounded myself with loving family and friends. Still, I don't believe one ever truly heals from this experience. It forever changes you. Good and bad.
Today, I accept what happened but I can still get angry about how it played out. I don't miss my ex any longer but at times miss my old life. I do wonder how he is, if he's happy, healthy. I do deep down believe he knows he messed up. Even if he'll never be able to verbalize it to me. You can't trade in someone like me to be with someone like he has now and be happy in the long run. Just my opinion though.
Since my D I started two businesses, went to Europe a couple of times, have been able to spend quality time with my aging parents and got my CPL just to name a few. I have many friends and a solid family. Yes, I've dated but came to realize I'm not willing to settle for any man just to be a couple. There are a lot of broken men in my area and this experience has given me razor sharp abilities to read them (LOL). I'm open to prospects though. I have no desire to remarry. I don't ever want to be financially tied to anyone. One day I hope to find a companion but I'm not in a rush. Right now I'm enjoying life. God has me right where he wants me and when he wants to change course it'll happen. I can honestly say I am happy and content but a continuous work in progress.
Ro and Rossbren,
Loved reading both of your posts.
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I didn't say all. I speak for no one but myself. I no nothing of anyone else's situation, except what they share, and that hardly qualifies me to pass that kind of judgement. However, if someone chooses to share how cruelly they are being treated, and they seem complacent to it, I will call them out on that. Abuse in any situation is plain unacceptable, but what one chooses to allow will continue.
Do you mean me beyonddone. If so, you have absolutely no right. My P is not only in MLC but obviously has a severe problem with his addiction, which I only found out last Friday has been going on for at least 6 or 7 years and not sporadically for the past couple of years which I thought. This in no way justifies his cruel behaviour BUT he is definitely sick and if you were to take the time and look up the side effects you would learn that the awful way he`s been treating me is a typical symptom. Other than that I am absolutely not complacent about what he`s done to me, you have no idea how furious and upset I am on the one hand but on the other I am also very worried about him as I`m probably the only person who is concerned about his well being.
Other than that I am sure that there are many other LBSers here whose spouses or partners have similar addictions and who are also behaving very badly but they are too ashamed to mention it on their threads. I felt that way myself and it took me a hell of a long time before I plucked up the courage to do so.
Try putting yourself in the same position!
Loyal, your situation sounds very difficult and I feel for you. This whole thing sucks.
That said, I am certain Beyond was not directing a comment at you or anyone else.
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It is cruel, traumatic and shocking to have experienced a BD. Especially coming from a person we shared marriage vows with, had children with, and loved and trusted for so many years. However, some of us continue to choose to love and have compassion for the MLCer. This doesn't mean we don't care about ourselves, or that we aren't moving forward, or that we are somehow flawed inside. Not all of us want to write them off so quickly - if at all, as we understand there is more going on with them mentally and emotionally than what is on the surface. Regardless of their bad behaviors - choosing to LOVE ANYWAY is courageous and takes strength. It's not a weakness by any means. Loving oneself, AND loving others including your MLCer is a strength and an awareness.
I get angry, hurt, sad...., I cycle. I don't want nor like what is happening. But I will always continue to love my H, no matter what happens. But that's my choice.
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I agree Nas.
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Very cool to read Ro8 messages! Thank you for posting!
Having a pure vanisher myself (I'm 2 years in) and knowing that there are others out there who survived and thrived, helps me to know innately I will too. Mine went NC within 2 weeks of BD. Only contact was when he sued for divorce. For some reason, today I was thinking about his divorce email which was his only contact with me. It was sad that our marriage was so meaningless to him and that he couldn't even have a conversation with me. There is a mild flood of sorrow that I feel inside still when I think about it, but I can also keep it from causing me to cycle. It's as if I can see the sorrow like watching a movie, I can feel it, but I can keep it mild and not allow it to overwhelm.
I too have a large circle of family and friends. People like to be around me, and there's a reason for that. Even MIL still loves her time speaking and seeing me. I am pursuing opening a business as well. And, I got a new kitten and he is so darn cute!
I do things today that I wouldn't be doing prior to BD, so I will thrive and make the best of everything.
I've learned to trust God in all of this and to be grateful that I have that level of trust.
Unless God surprises me, I have no plans to ever remarry.
CallingHeart....
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I have to say, Hero Spouse has been a lifesaver for me for a long time.
These latest vanisher threads, though, have been exceptionally good.
There are so many incredibly strong woman on this thread.
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I didn't say all. I speak for no one but myself. I no nothing of anyone else's situation, except what they share, and that hardly qualifies me to pass that kind of judgement. However, if someone chooses to share how cruelly they are being treated, and they seem complacent to it, I will call them out on that. Abuse in any situation is plain unacceptable, but what one chooses to allow will continue.
Do you mean me beyonddone. If so, you have absolutely no right. My P is not only in MLC but obviously has a severe problem with his addiction, which I only found out last Friday has been going on for at least 6 or 7 years and not sporadically for the past couple of years which I thought. This in no way justifies his cruel behaviour BUT he is definitely sick and if you were to take the time and look up the side effects you would learn that the awful way he`s been treating me is a typical symptom. Other than that I am absolutely not complacent about what he`s done to me, you have no idea how furious and upset I am on the one hand but on the other I am also very worried about him as I`m probably the only person who is concerned about his well being.
Other than that I am sure that there are many other LBSers here whose spouses or partners have similar addictions and who are also behaving very badly but they are too ashamed to mention it on their threads. I felt that way myself and it took me a hell of a long time before I plucked up the courage to do so.
Try putting yourself in the same position!
Seriously? What did I just get done saying?? Nowhere was anyone mentioned in my posts. I do believe though, if you go back and re-rerrad the original post, you will see the word "I". . as always. I guess though, if you would like to make it fit your situation, I cannot stop you.
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There is a mild flood of sorrow that I feel inside still when I think about it, but I can also keep it from causing me to cycle. It's as if I can see the sorrow like watching a movie, I can feel it, but I can keep it mild and not allow it to overwhelm
This is interesting CH. Thanks for posting. I think I'm slowly learning this about myself too.
Glad to hear you've joined the cat lovers club! :P Kittens are the cutest.
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Well nah, like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
We're all still around so...... ;D
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Well nah, like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
We're all still around so...... ;D
Totally off topic, but Norm MacDonald's latest stand up comedy special on Netflix has a hilarious bit about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Anyone in need of a laugh should check it out.
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Well nah, like they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
We're all still around so...... ;D
Broken....but getting stronger each day to fight for happiness and content for my family ❤️
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One thing that sticks out clearly for me is how many have the added factor of an addiction. In those people I tend to think of it as two monsters coexisting in one body.
Two because addiction isn't a necessary or always factor of MLC commonly listed in the writings. Perhaps its an underreported symptom. And I wonder if its more common in those who vanish? Both those who vanish for a period of time and those who vanish seemingly forever? Escape and avoid is common in addiction.
Its the manner of exhibiting love that differs with people in relation to the addict. I prefer and put into practice the AA style method. Distance, detachment, self care, ownership of consequences, and dare I say tough love. I firmly believe that because I did that J is alive, healthy, sober, clean, and well into Acceptance.
I recorded my actions with him and his progress here on HS. And I took quite a beating from those who saw my actions as mean and without love or even compassion. Especially when I recorded that he was laying on the bedroom floor trying to crawl to the bathroom to vomit. And my response was to step over him and let him struggle and depend on himself. Oh boy I was heartless and mean and nasty and lashing out because I was "still hurting". Nope. Dead wrong answers. He had to choose to live. He had to remember how awful and low his addiction had caused him to fall. He had to kniw he achieved soberiety through his own strength. It gave him pride and his manhood and dignity and self esteem back. I did what he needed and what was best for him, not what was easiest for me or what came naturally to me at the time.
And he is alive and sober, happy, healthy, and at peace.
Love is exhibited in different ways. Some seem to forget that in their surety that love is always kindness and compassion and providing a soft place to land. I know for certain most of the addicts I deal with wouldn't be clean if they were assured of a soft place to land. And I personally know none who got clean and sober because they were loved. They got sober and clean when the faced the consequences and had landed hard.
You have a different approach? So go with it. Its your decision.
At the Al anon meetings no one there doubts the love we feel for the addict. No one claims not to be worried about the addict. No one is looking for ways another might be hurting them or judging them. Its about sharing experiences. Neither is it about recounting the events of the week and having people tell how strong and well someone is doing if there is no action involved. Action means active response, solution based thinking, what would you do, the same and or differently the next time.
There, there is no badge of honor or strength for deciding to live in hell for years. For accepting physical, emotional, psychological, and or sexual . In AA that's your choice and you get to own that. But that is not strength. True strength is shown by having the courage to change the things you can. That's part of the serenity prayer. In AA as well its well understood its a support group not a tell everyone what they want to hear group. There's a reminder on the wall that the greatest friend you have is the one who twlks you hard truths not the one who powders your a$$.
I like that total outlook and interpretation since it takes the focus off victimhood and puts the person in charge of her destiny and future through highlighting options for action. It empowers, if the person chooses.
If its not your approach preference, that's up to you.
Now before someone screams that I'm telling them not to stand, that's not what I'm saying at all. Change what you can, if you choose to, and then own your decision. Embrace it. Whatever that may be.
That's what BeyondDone has done.
That's what Stayed did.
That's what Nah did.
That's what my favorite Brazilian Lady has done in spades. (And please no more behind the back cracks about my being her lap dog. I've heard them all before so they aren't funny anymore.)
That's what I have done.
MLC and addiction in a family is not a life long sentence of pain unless you choose it to be.
Each of us took different routes and showed love differently at different times. That doesn't mean we loved our husbands any differently or to a lesser or greater degree. It means we've taken different paths and we all will own the consequences of our actions.
With j I have no regrets. I hope that is true for everyone.
Lp
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Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Forum post from a female MLCer
I should point out that an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself.
I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC (March 2002-2004), I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you spouses really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your marriage and your life together. You're the only one who is going to understand when your spouse comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there ...
After a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer. I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had. I had all my family in support of my efforts. Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through. He stood for over 2 years, though. Alone. Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It wasn’t until he had to let go to save his own sanity that I started waking up.
If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do. Work on yourself.
http://whatismidlifecrisis.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/forum-post-from-female-mlcer.html
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If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.
Very much agree with this. Thanks for posting Rossbren.
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Thanks HeroIam - As i always say "we need to trust the process...have faith"
It is so fire trucking hard at times! Many people have theories and more theories on MLC, it is just so confusing. Mlc changes everyone...it is just so very sad. Yes we all need to move forward. But we should never give up hope.
My children and i are standing for our family....we have faith that the man we know so well will find his way back to us. Our love will be what brings him back. Our life, memories and love for each other can not be replaced. He can run from his guilt and shame, but he can't run forever. He can try to. O stern at us all, trying to get us to hate him, but it won't work...love is unconditional. This is his journey, he is searching for happiness and peace, he has not found it in OW -he looks like $h!te - the answer is right beneath his nose, but he needs to find his way.
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I have been feeling a lot of guilt over this past weekend of my daughter's graduation. I hadn't seen or heard from my vanisher since August. Last week Sunday he had sent a text Saying He was coming from a meeting, Maybe talk sometime and he would be a graduation on Sunday. I answered back I heard the meeting went well, that my daughter appreciated he was coming to the graduation and I would see him Sunday.
I was thinking he only wanted to talk to make it more comfortable for himself at the graduation? Should I have said yes to talking? Do I send him a note thanking him for coming now? He did not stay til the end of graduation. I never saw him that weekend.
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First of all, you focused on your daughter, as you should have, nothing to feel guilty about there.
I understand the leave them to their lives, let them twist in the wind theories. I still always believed a small olive branch here and there for a vanisher never hurts. As long as it's not cloaked with guilt or expectations and of course light, breezy and not too often.
Something like, " there was so much going on at daughter's graduation I never got a chance to see you but I heard you were there. Thank you so much for coming".
And leave it at that.
If he responds fine, if he doesn't, oh well.
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I find these insider quotes so revealing.
I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
I wonder why she did this at this point. I mean were her thoughts so disturbing to herself she felt she could not open up to anyone?
My MLCer is not a vanisher but I am seeing something similar. H was very much into OW until February. Then he and I had a big blowup at the beginning of March that made him realize he could lose me and he spent the month pushing OW away to the point where he kicked OW out for a few days at the beginning of April. Those few days led him to become so chummy with MIL in April it was as if MIL had become the OW, now he is running away from all of us in May and burying himself in his work...That's a bit of an oversimplification but that's the general trend I have seen.
What I do know is that this month started off with two big disappointments about his relationship with OW for both of them and him having a projecting spew at me after seeing a religious book on my nightstand that certainly would have reminded him of what he was doing. He's stopped making any mentions of divorce or ending it with me now for about a month yet he is much more distant too. He did have a brief panic for 45-60 minutes about our relationship in the future about a week ago and I was able to reassure him by asking him if he trusted me (he always used to say he trusted me more than anyone, even his mother) and he said he did and immediately snapped out of the panic.
So maybe the fantasy is really starting to crumble?
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So maybe the fantasy is really starting to crumble?
G, you have a much different lens than most of us on this thread.
You get to make up close observations.
Some of us (like me) observe mostly from a distance by getting information from the grapevine and a sprinkle of interactions.
Some on here don't see a thing b/c their MLCer has completely left the building.
The only thing ALL of us have in common is none of us can actually see what is really going on in that MLC brain. I'm not sure if the MLCer themselves know.
We will only know for sure when we are able to look back.
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I have been feeling a lot of guilt over this past weekend of my daughter's graduation.
Ohh shocked, us LBS are certainly a crazy bunch....so much compassion for everyone. Don't ever change.
You should not have guilt at all! It was your daughters day, and you did everything in your power to make it perfect for her.
I definitely agree with Nah, send a simple Thankyou text thanking him and his parents for coming. Nothing more or less. Put the ball back into the Vanishers court. I know he would've Sussed you out in your new dress....looking smoking hot....no wonder her couldn't face you 😘
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Sorry beyonddone, I wasn`t having a particularly good day when I read your post and thanks to you too lawprofessor for your sound advice. If I´m honest with myself, ìt`s not as if I wasn`t previously aware as to how I should have dealt with him.
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Yep vanisher .....literally vanished since things were not going his way !!! Since he realized that yes he has to pay child support and no he does not get to call the kids when he wants to and does not get to manipulate them against me and my family ! Vanisher maybe through me setting boundaries and asking for nc between me and him ! Vanished maybe a tantrum or maybe cause he can t stand us anymore !
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Well today marks our 22nd Wedding Anniversary - happy anniversary Bren, you are a great wife lol...a bittersweet day full of the necessary emotions and sadness. I did reflect on our good times and tried not to focus on his MLC behavior.
S#2 has recently decided to resume playing rugby league after not playing for years. Today was his debut game....guess who was there...the Vanisher and the Slore. How he knew who knows? Another mystery, but I was pleased he turned up, just don't know why she was there. Fortunately there was a football field separating the kids and I from them. I wonder if he was watching much of the game or was watching the family he has abandoned......I enjoyed the game and day out and did not focus on him. Let him see what he is missing out on.his family....
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Rossbren, these anniversaries are tough, even though it's 'just another' day in MLCrazy, we can't help but feel more, more sadness, more disappointment, more hurt, because these days have been such special days for so many years. I'm pleased you were able to reflect on some of the happy times, not just the sadness
Mine is coming up and I've been thinking a lot about it, I've decided I'm going to 'try' to take it back as a happy day, I know I wear rose coloured specs 🤓 but I really am going to try to make it a date that I remember love and happiness. I don't want my Hiding H to take any more joy away from me. I'm lucky, I had 23 years of very happy marriage, some people don't get that, I did and I'm going to try so very hard to reclaim it this year
Two days before my wedding anniversary is the anniversary of BD, me telling H to leave and him running off with OW 😔 I'm thinking of re labelling that day as the day H ruined his life, I think that's how he see's it, but that's not my problem, I'm not sure if OW will be celebrating that day as the one where she 'won' her prize ?? But I don't think my H will think of that day with any joy at all. He broke the person he's loved for 28 years heart
I don't know if I'm going to be able to reclaim it, but it's my intention to try, but if I'm crying my eyes out it doesn't really matter, I'm a few steps forward from the last 2 anniversaries
It must have been hard seeing him at the game, but if he was aware of the date I'm sure he must have felt something, but maybe it's another thing that he can't think about, so he might not have even remember the date. It really is astounding how the MLC can lock away their feelings, but I think it will be there, somewhere in the back of his mind and I'm glad he saw you, it might make him peek into those locked away memories
Thinking of you Rossbren
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How he knew who knows?
They always know.
The Leaver is king of projection. When the Leaver first started talking again he mentioned he had a partner in his new business who happens to be an old friend of ours from 30 years ago (I knew him a few years before I knew Leaver). He said, "well, you know I started a business with (D)"...
I said, "No how would I know that"
Well, you always know everything else.
At this point I hadn't talked to the Leaver in over a year, how would he even know what I knew or didn't know? (confused yet?? ;D ;D )
A few minutes later he talked about a picture of my living room that was on Zillow, he mentioned how my cat was in the background....
He accused me of stalking (actually used this word) but he knew more details about me than I knew about him.
Why would you be paranoid about being stalked unless you're guilty of it yourself??
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It must have been hard seeing him at the game, but if he was aware of the date I'm sure he must have felt something, but maybe it's another thing that he can't think about, so he might not have even remember the date. It really is astounding how the MLC can lock away their feelings, but I think it will be there, somewhere in the back of his mind and I'm glad he saw you, it might make him peek into those locked away memories
Thankyou SHF
Yes he saw us all... not that we were stalking him (of course we were lol), but it was very obvious that he was staring at us and not watching the game. I would even say that he looked rather uncomfortable standing beside the Slore. And I do believe he knew what today was. I too believe that in the crazy head of his he would've had some precious memories re-surface. AND I just happened to have my hair done last night....new cut and new colour....his brunette ex-wife is now platinum blonde...received compliments from many friends hahaha.
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RB and SHF - you both have good outlooks about your anniversaries. I remember dreading that first one. We weren't divorced and he was off on a camping adventure with OW. I ran a 5K that day in a neighboring town. I have since decided that each year on the date of our anniversary I will do something special for me so the day continues to have happy memories for me.
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Our first anniversary post BD I took another man for a long weekend on an island and put it on the Leaver's credit card.
Hey, at least it got him talking to me again (for a few minutes anyways)..... ;D ;D
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SB - a 5k run 😳 I said I was going to try to make it a happy day, I think a 5k run would make me cry 😂😂
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Hit him where it hurts Nah....love your style lol
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SB - a 5k run 😳 I said I was going to try to make it a happy day, I think a 5k run would make me cry 😂😂
Oh, SHF.....you make me laugh! That run just made me feel good about me because I hadn't run one in several years and 6 months after he BDed me I was back in shape and doing my thing. I think if you'd just put your rose colored glasses on you'd find that running a 5K is just about the most fun ever! ;)
But do let me know what you do to make it a happy day for you.
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When asked for an explanation of the charges I said, "it was your anniversary present to me"
He responded, "Fine"
Then I didn't hear from him again for months.
Hey, maybe that's why he's a vanisher. ;D ;D
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SB-- I tried running.
It's not fun. :P
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SB - 😊 I've never been outdoorsy, I don't like it to be too hot or too cold and I seem to get bitten by the smallest of insects and then I always react badly to them, as well as prickly heat and frostbite 😂
Since MLC I've spent more time outside, tending to the fish pond that H built and then abandoned !!!! leaving me to learn how to keep the fish ( that I'm ridiculously fond of ) healthy. I really enjoy my little fish 😊. I've also started walking a bit more, my favourite is to stomp through the autumn leaves ( not too hot or too cold 😂)
But running, no, it's not in my make up 😄 I danced until my 30's and have recently started doing pilates, which I love and my body has remembered how to move, so I get that physical activity does really help.
My luxury is having a private pilates session, it really helps with my medical problem and I feel amazing and about 6 feet tall when I leave, my instructor is amazing and I feel so lucky to have found her. So i might book a double session on my anniversary, that would make me feel strong and very happy ( and very indulgent 😂 )
I'm so impressed that you could do that run and love your attitude to achieving something and doing something positive for you 😊 Keep on running and then celebrate with a huge selection of ice cream 🤓
Nah - I love your sassy attitude 😄
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Our first anniversary post BD I took another man for a long weekend on an island and put it on the Leaver's credit card.
Hey, at least it got him talking to me again (for a few minutes anyways)..... ;D ;D
Okay, that's got to be one of the best anniversary presents post BD, Nah.
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Our first anniversary post BD I took another man for a long weekend on an island and put it on the Leaver's credit card.
Hey, at least it got him talking to me again (for a few minutes anyways)..... ;D ;D
Okay, that's got to be one of the best anniversary presents post BD, Nah.
Yes and No.
That was in the middle of my self-destructive stage and at the time I would do ANYTHING to get his attention.
Yes, I have some funny stories, and that is one of them but also I can still shed a tear just thinking about how much pain I was in. I hate knowing that there are so many of you still in that stage.
More than once I thought it would be much easier to just end it. I'm glad I didn't.
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I too thought it would be easier to end it :( strange.
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Thank you all for the warm welcome.
Ross, my anniversary is today as well!
Funny though I no longer give the day much credence as it's been years the vanisher left and I've been removed from the crazy. I do recall wondering if he remembered in the early years. Now, I don't expect him to remember this day at all for the simple reason the crisis fried his brain and his day to day no longer includes me. I'm fine with that though. I remember it and I remember it with fondness. It was a beautiful day. It's just sad that it ended up being just a day for him. Now, he has a new anniversary to remember. Ahhh, such is life....
Rock your new blondness. I hear they have more fun!
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Yes and No.
That was in the middle of my self-destructive stage and at the time I would do ANYTHING to get his attention.
Yes, I have some funny stories, and that is one of them but also I can still shed a tear just thinking about how much pain I was in. I hate knowing that there are so many of you still in that stage.
More than once I thought it would be much easier to just end it. I'm glad I didn't.
I went through the extreme pain and sadness during that first year but thankfully the need to get his attention just never happened for me. I just remember thinking that he truly didn't care if I lived or died. By the end of the first year some of my spunk had returned, I was off the anti-depressants and the "I'll show you" attitude started to take over.
I never really remember thinking that I wanted to end it but I DO remember thinking and saying that I wished he had died instead. That it would have been easier to get through than what he did.
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SB... i have often said that :(
Death sure would be easier
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I never really remember thinking that I wanted to end it but I DO remember thinking and saying that I wished he had died instead. That it would have been easier to get through than what he did.
Yes. My mother had two husbands.
First one was shot in the head during a robbery and died. She was 21, had two children and was pregnant.
Second was my father. He was a MLCer.
She said, going through my father cheating and leaving was so much harder.
At least the first one didn't have a choice.
I too thought it would have been so much easier if the Leaver had just died. At least I wouldn't have had to question my marriage, my entire adulthood.
I no longer feel that way. Not only am I glad my children have their father. I'm happy that I'm just starting to get the answers to the questions that have been burning inside me. I also am happy that I feel he has a chance to get through this and maybe just maybe become the man I know he can be. As long as there is life, there is hope.
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I think death would be easier too. I still wish he would.
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I think death would be easier too. I still wish he would.
It wasn't easy, but what worked for me was to not send out bad vibes. I felt Karma is sending out good vibes, and hope it bounces back to me in a good way.
Their karma is their karma and their own business.
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I have been reading a lot on here today and sometimes that makes me sad. So I have been thinking that maybe my stbx just doesn't wanna be married anymore. A lot of what he says is definitely script but I just can't wrap my head around the whole ignoring our lives thing. I can't stand the thought that he may be "happy" with another. I have no idea if he has another. I don't know anything anymore except that he is ignoring my very existence and our life together. I am really starting to be annoyed by it
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Well Tyks, by reading your signature snippet (I wish everybody would do this, it does make it easier to remember who is who) you were married 20 years and BD was less than a year ago.
You should be sad and annoyed and very confused. BD is a big deal.
Not knowing what is going on in their heads can drive us crazy. Sure, you can ask, write a long letter, etc etc.... unfortunately it won't do any damn good. Either they ignore, lie, or open up and run again. That gets even more infuriating. Oh wait, my husband will be the exception.... I think we ALL think this one time or another.
I can tell you to stop obsessing about what's going on in his head but, I doubt you will listen. We all gotta do what we gotta do until we can't stand it anymore.
I think you're doing great.
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My anniversary will be the 29th. Last year I was guessing he was traveling with a OW. Now I know. I am better this year. Still hard to believe a day that was so important is now non existent to him. We had a great 20th.
I did send a quick thank you to him about the graduation and bringing his parents. He did respond that he was sorry that they had to leave. He did ask if I wanted to talk some time. I replied asking nicely that I would consider talking but I was curious what he thought we would talk about. The weather?? He responded that he liked talking about the weather. I said most good salesman do. He later sent me an email from his boss showing he had increased his sales significantly with his biggest account. I still have no idea why he'd send that to me!! I said congratulations. I guess that was my first touch and go. It will be interesting how many months to I hear from him again. The graduation must have some effect in him.
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Sounds like a small touch and go to me. Sometimes they just need a small olive branch to feel safe. No harm in being friendly as long as you keep your expectations low.
I had exchanges like that with the Leaver over the years and then months would go by until the next one.
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Shocked...the new dress gave him something to think about 🤔
No doubt his brain has been in overdrive since the graduation...he gave no reason or justification for leaving rather promptly....i.e. Running away to avoid confrontation.....yet he wants to talk sometime. Confused? I really believe they are still in that head of theirs. There is always hope Shocked.
Definitely a touch and go.....
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Tyks,
Right now maybe he doesn't want to be married same as all our MLCrs. Right now their thoughts and feelings may well be completely lost or not on us anyway not in the way we want. I think Nah hit the nail on the head with how we can end up sending negative energy rather than positive energy. I'm a firm believer in this concept and that we have to begin to let go, stop holding on to it so tightly. Something clicked in me last week and I just thought I'm not giving any more energy to H, OW or what they are doing. My attention is on me now. It still pops in to my head all the time but I just try and focus my attention on something else. Rome wasn't built in a day and so it will take practice. I'm also trying to let go of any anger and bitterness again that's just negative energy. I haven't looked at social media related to them since wed and boy do I feel empowered. I couldn't care less and it takes away any power OW has I'm not looking at her nonsense I don't believe in their situation so it's irrelevant to me.
I'm a good person and I've given myself too hard a time. I'm working on me, I'm giving my attention to nice things and deserving people.
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One thing I wanted to ask not necessarily to do with vanishers but I read in Bkie arises thread actually a comment from Savoir Faire I think that there isn't an MLCr that's come back before 2 years? Is that right? As we all know many of the MLCrs have been in MLC for a long time prior to BD so the 2 year min takes that in to account? I just wondered if that was a good stat or not?
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We tend to over focus on the timelines but they are unpredictable
There have been a few that come back after a short time.
Barbiedoll's husband comes to mind. I think he was gone for about 2-3 months. There was another too, maybe someone else can remember their name.
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yeah I was thinking that would be the answer I guess just because they are back doesn't mean they are fully 'cooked' like in Barbies case. Hmmm if the whole process is 2-7 years then it could be so many different times due to variables. I always s wondered if those that vanish come through it quicker as they go try out the fantasy quicker but then Nah your 4 years at this and Air is quite a way in and only beginnings of signs that something may be changing...
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Sparklestar.....guess we need to trust the process. Where there is love their is always hope. I used to frantically research timeframes, to calculate when I would see a sign of reconnection. In the early days I wasted thousands on psychics, I was so desperate to seek the answer..when would he Return? I have had a gut feeling right from the start, that intuition keeps me going. I know something is not right with Eh, others are seeing that too now.
I used to be such a planner, so focused on where we were heading in life. Now I just go through life one day at a time. One step at a time. Literally winging my own life. It terrifies me, but we are coping and surviving. The kids and I have such a strong bond. The boys are so protective of me. They won't allow anyone to hurt me again.
We just need to remember that they are firetrucked up.
I have also changed my username from Rossbren to Brenross......I am now the important person in this partnership.....for now 😘
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I wondered why you changed your name BR. I too go to psychics bc I find it aoothes me for a while. What did yours say over the years? Mine continually says reconciliation
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Totally understand the soothing feeling Tyks....yes mine were the same, always reconciliation. I have had frightening readings from Cassandra Eason, she is a top British Psychic and author, does tours to AUSTRALIA once every 12 months. My two readings have been the same, almost identical. I told her nothing about my situation during both readings, yet she picked up on the situation....how do they do That? Intriguing....
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Hi BR
I accidently came to your thread :) Was following Bluerose and got somewhere mixed up with Brennross. But well, interesting to follow you too, if you allow me :)
Just picking up what you said about the gutfeeling of reconciliation.
This is what I have too....there are no signs at all, and my context is thinking I m having false hope. But this is not the same.
My friend who is therapist is telling me two things, which sometimes are seemingly contradictorial but they are not. Take care of yourself... and your kids, as if reconciliation never happens. And listen to your gutfeelings that reconciliation will happen. Because only you know . You know if your h says he want to divorce you ,that he is actually not saying that...
Take care
Mara
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Hi Mara
This is Bluerose's thread...we have very similar stories so I hijacked it with her blessings haha. No we both had Vanisher threads and our threads were merged. When I first came to this site there wasn't too many Vanishers....but since starting "our" threads there is a lot of us...and yes our stories are very very similiar. These threads have helped me immensely as I grow stronger each day.
My Husband divorced me, I had no say...it didn't even require my signature in AUSTRALIA. This happened last September. When we married it required both of our consents.....ironic hey? I do not feel divorced.
I can't put my finger on my gut feeling. People tell me that I deserve better, which I do! But I am not giving up on the man I call my husband. My husband has abandoned myself and our 4 kids....if it was just me I would understand that maybe he just fell out of love....hmmmm... my kids and I are moving forward with our lives, my husband is missing out on so much, if he comes out of the fog he will have to catch up with us. I know that he will.
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I hope we keep this thread going as it is just so valuable for us with vanishers.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that just has this underlying gut feeling that won't go away. It's not delusion or desperate hope but a real feeling. I just know I have to be the strong one. If I end up being wrong so be it but I can tell you if I sit. Then I will NEVER doubt my gut feeling again!
The time line thing can get a bit obsessive I guess it's patience that's req'd and trust like you said Rossbren / Brenross ha ha!
In the meantime focus is on me I'm not believing in the MLC fake situation he has ATM
See you on the new thread xxx
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Hi Brenross
You do not have to sign even?
Well, here they need my signature, but it s not that I have the right to refuse... I m obligated to show up in court to sign... Wow, speaking of freedom...
I am sorry to hear your story. My h also left me and three kids, 2,5 years now. Changing from a clinger into something I can not define yet. I think it s not a vanisher yet...but
You are right about the man you married being your husband. They know too...
I read along with this thread.
Mara