Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bluerose on September 08, 2017, 05:41:44 AM
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I had time and noticed the last one was full.
Old thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9290.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9251.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9220.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9158.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9102
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9063.0
Original vanisher threads
Does anyone have any comments/feedback regarding vanishers?
Vanisher 3
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8310.0
Vanisher 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0
Vanisher 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
"Anyone else have a vanisher? #1 Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8898.0
"Anyone else have a vanisher 2?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8990.msg588419#msg588419
"Anyone else have a vanisher 3?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9031.msg590074#msg590074
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;D Thank you!
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Another thread vanishes into oblivion 😜
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Another thread vanishes into oblivion 😜
;D ;D ;D
....and the spouse's of vanishers seem to get their sense of humor back sooner.
Most likely b/c the dark cloud has left the building and we get to once again experience the sun on our faces sooner. 8)
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Jumping on! I don't have anything to add but I get strength from knowing there are people that get what I am feeling and give me help moving forward. Thanks for continuing with this thread!!!!
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Attaching x
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Attaching....
I think our vanshiner thread is the best...
Happy happy Friday y'all!!!
Hugs and kisses!!
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Wouldn't want to miss out on another vanisher episode! '
Thanks, BR.
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Are vanishers more likely to get married?
Just wondering, how many on here have their vanishers married to the AP??
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I know 2 vanisher (my xh and his bf) His bf has been a vanisher since late 2009 and mine since 2014. Bf and his OW moved in together new year 2015-16 when OW husband "finally" died (had been in hospice since 2009. Her 24 yo daughter moved in with them this new year. They are not married yet. My xh going on 3rd year with OW#2 (could be #8, who knows?) still not married but who knows she might trick him into this? Or he has started to walk up from Zombie land and never marry her ;)
About vanisher vs clinger vs boomerangs……my view is; I think the more shame they feel over what they have done, the more vanishing behavior they show. I'm just thinking about when I have done something "not so good/nice" I tend to not want to see that person, cause that will bring out my shame more. Maybe there is a correlation also between high replay vs higher/deeper things they are ashamed of (more stuff then "just" one OW I mean?
Hugs
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Those are good points Pass, then is there a correlation between how long they stay in replay vs vanishers, clinger, boomerang? Is vanishers replay longer because no one sees them? When does the shame or guilt start? All of replay?
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Well, most of this is just a guessing game, right? Nobody can see what's going on in their heads except the MLCer themselves, and even if they come back they are often closed up about the time they were gone.
My best guess is the shame and guilt is from day one. Heck, my MLCer wrote to me just a few weeks later admitting his feelings of guilt. Remember, guilt is selfish, it's about them and how they feel, not at all about how we feel.
I do have some interactions with my vanisher and I still see the shame and guilt even though I have mostly been kind and/or bit my tongue many many times.
Lately our interactions have dwindled again,... Why? Well, he's getting married, I think maybe even today, so his guilt and shame is increasing, time to avoid Nah again. Oh, he will be back once the wedding is done.
As for the replay being longer or shorter.... timelines again is all about them. From what I see on this forum over the years, the quick returners are very often not done, so let the vanishers do what they need to do, we are better off with them cooking far away from us.
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I'm following, these threads help so much,
My MLC hider is still hiding, I think guilt and shame are his closest companions. I wonder if he thinks they will just go away if he hides long enough 🙄
I hope you're all doing ok 😊
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I have the vanisher that married the OW.
Like SHF, I also wonder if my MLCer thinks that guilt and shame will go away if he hides long enough.
Nah - sending you a cyber hug today as I read on your thread that The Leaver married the girl today. Thinking of you, friend.
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Like SHF, I also wonder if my MLCer thinks that guilt and shame will go away if he hides long enough.
Yes I really think that is what they think. If they hide, act happy, "move on" all will be good....unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
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Are vanishers more likely to get married?
Just wondering, how many on here have their vanishers married to the AP??
Mine did. Announced it out of the blue that he had "moved on". Met and married OW in a matter of a few weeks, because they were soulmates ::)
Worked wonders in helping me detach!
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Bren - great minds think alike - both typing about "moving on" at exact same time.....aaaaahhhhh the golden MLC cop out words "moving on"
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Bren - great minds think alike - both typing about "moving on" at exact same time.....aaaaahhhhh the golden MLC cop out words "moving on"
Snowdrop....you have no idea how much I hate that term. In one of my rants to my SIL on Thursday, I told her it was like telling a Cancer Patient that everything will be fine....ouch and very uncompassionate of me...but how can people say such cliche sayings...grrrrr. 😜
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you have no idea how much I hate that term
Me too and I can still hear him as he announced it over the phone after weeks of not hearing a word from him, "Yep, I've moved on, I got married! Aren't you going to wish me congratulations?". :o
Such a dismissive term which doesn't acknowledge any of the previous events or pain caused. Yep, moving on, as if nothing wrong and why not. As for the "aren't you going to wish me congratulations", there are no words. MLC maybe?
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Hell yes....I would've saluted him with the middle finger.....they are totally bonkers!!!!
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Bren - great minds think alike - both typing about "moving on" at exact same time.....aaaaahhhhh the golden MLC cop out words "moving on"
Snowdrop....you have no idea how much I hate that term. In one of my rants to my SIL on Thursday, I told her it was like telling a Cancer Patient that everything will be fine....ouch and very uncompassionate of me...but how can people say such cliche sayings...grrrrr. 😜
As a current cancer patient, I agree, Bren.
Having followed all 10 of these vanisher threads now, I have to wonder what it is about some vanishers that allows them to just run and hide without bothering to divorce. It seems some get the D done and then disappear, while others, like mine, just hide and avoid the D altogether.
It's ironic that I was diagnosed with cancer the exact same week that I became a legal resident of my new state and could have filed. Then I had to move back to my old state because I didn't have health insurance in the new state (because H never honored the agreement that would have paid for my health insurance).
Do they really think they can just go start a whole new life and never wrap up their old life? My H hardly ever replied to any message I sent him about the D over the last year, and when he did, he stalled and never actually answered or did anything. For a year, I was spending all my money on legal fees and getting things in order - to the point now that I'm flat broke. I flat out asked - practically begged - back in January for him to file in his new state. Now I have stage III cancer and he's still hiding and avoiding doing anything.
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My husband did both - silent vanishing for the first year, then 'zipless divorce' vanishing for the 2nd. (you know the kind where you magically say the word, avoid all paperwork and pixie dust fits everything?) I think guilt is part of it as well as a kind of control.
'Moving on' is my STBXH's favourite phrase and I hate it too. I prefer 'moving forward'.
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I also wouldn't mind knowing why some MLCers don't D even though they are off with OW in another life. Why is that? And.....a few are still financially responsible - and still don't D and escape and avoid for as long as possible. How do they even afford it financially? Unless OW let's them live free of charge for most everything. Might make for a good discussion.
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MLCers are not too difficult to figure out.
What do 2-yr-olds do when they poop their pants?
They hide in a corner and wait for someone to come along and clean up their mess.
Same thing.
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Exactly Nah!!!!!!!!!!!
Or.. The opposite.. It's your fault I pooped my pants!!!!!!!
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Nah has it right.
My stbxh said he was not in a rush to divorce as he is not planning on getting married anytime soon. That translates in to he is too lazy.
I filed for d in august and stbxh emailed me that he researched what he needs to do for the divorce to go through. The way he reads it is that he doesnt have to do anything and it will magically be final. So he has chosen to do NOTHING yet again.
I may as well clean up the poop for the last time in 22 years ::)
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Nah,
I absolutely love that response. It sums up this bull$h!te perfectly. You haveca wonderful wsy with words.
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Hi Vanisher friends,
I have another question for you all...
Since my last communication with STBX (by the way TYKS he hasn't filed for D either...I translate that as lazy as well), I heard nothing back until tonight. My message to him was clear...kids don't want to meet OW at this time, he needs to work on his relationship with them first (their words). So, from this he said that them (the kids) meeting the two of them (huh? isn't he their dad?) would be helpful to his recovery as he will be more present with them. Can he not see them on his own??? Why are they responsible for his recovery?? He ended his message with that he had a medical situation this week and that he needs this to move forward. I don't think the kids are being unreasonable, and I don't think I'm wrong in backing them up. It's also manipulation that he thinks I'll feel sorry for him...I'm tired of it.
He said she encourages him to see the kids when he's not well. Why didn't she encourage him last year when he didn't see them for the better part of the year? Or the last few weeks when he was supposed to see them? Instead he hung out with her.
I spoke to my SIL today...she said that she had to meet OW a couple weeks ago and that I could take her in a fight, lol. SIL said that he kept apologizing to her repeatedly....she felt he was scared of her??
Sorry to hijack the vanisher thread again...
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I wondered if vanishers don't want a D because one they the money issue comes into play. They lose assets and have to start paying courted ordered support but the second reason is the OP is no longer a fantasy life person. The OP is going to start expecting more from them in terms of a R. A commitment. It some cases the MLCer does marry but it doesn't seem like it of deep love but more another quick fix.
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So, from this he said that them (the kids) meeting the two of them (huh? isn't he their dad?) would be helpful to his recovery as he will be more present with them. Can he not see them on his own??? Why are they responsible for his recovery?? He ended his message with that he had a medical situation this week and that he needs this to move forward.
He said she encourages him to see the kids when he's not well. Why didn't she encourage him last year when he didn't see them for the better part of the year? Or the last few weeks when he was supposed to see them? Instead he hung out with her.
Smell a rat Lulu....He needs to consider his own kids for THEIR wellbeing and stability...being introduced to the OW will not help the kids. He needs to reconnect with the kids, and see if they want to meet her. If not, he needs to respect their decision. His problem to work around not the kids....how selfish the Mlcer's become.
Sounds like the cogs are falling off....depression maybe? And then control from the OW? May be wrong, but that is how I read it.
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well the x ran off and divorced me and I think he married his ow, but he's no great loss.
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Have you got confirmation of the marriage. Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up
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I wondered if vanishers don't want a D because one they the money issue comes into play. They lose assets and have to start paying courted ordered support but the second reason is the OP is no longer a fantasy life person. The OP is going to start expecting more from them in terms of a R. A commitment. It some cases the MLCer does marry but it doesn't seem like it of deep love but more another quick fix.
Who knows, shocked. What I can tell you from my situation is we had a legal separatiion agreement done in april. Everything is split so there is no reason really to not divorce. There is a lot of paperwork for divorce, as you know, so mine is definitely lazy. I had to order the marriage certificate in order to file and then I had to fill all the papers out and have him served. Now there is a step two... more paperwork. If he wasnt so lazy he could offer to do that but why should he? I have been carrying his a$$ for 22 years, may as well take it to the finish line. If I wait for him I will never be divorced and I dont want to be married anymore.
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Lulu, I agree with Brenross and I think you should stick to your guns. I have no idea if my stbxh has an ow or not but if he did I cannot imagine what you guys go through. I would have a really hard time healing... it is hard enough healing without an ow.
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This is my opinion only and I am no way an expert as I now have a zero relationship with my daughter but a great one with my son.
I told the kids everything the day after BD. I now wish I hadn't but I was in shock.
Once I got a little on my feet I tried not to have any influence on their opinions. I confess I didn't do a great job as it became common for me to have attacks, disappear for days and I was often on the phone with friends talking about the situation. I'm sure they heard more than they should have... I can't take any of that back and I feel it's a factor, not completely but a factor for me losing my daughter.
Now I'm 100% encouraging of my son to have a good relationship with his father. The girl can't replace me, for my son AND daughter, again I feel she is a nonfactor. Could I have made it a big deal and ask son not to go to the wedding?of course, and if asked he would have stayed home. What would have that accomplished?
No im glad my son talks to his dad. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That way I can carry zero guilt for my family's destruction. My daughter and the Leaver abandoned me, not the other way around. ... and I carry no responsibility for any animosity between family members that I can influence.
Karma is about me and no one else. I only wish the best for their relationships and hope that will come back to me in the future.
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I understand that completely Nah. It's just that they feel strongly that they want their dad to see them and to realize that he should be considering them. He was gone for so long and coming back they want to trust him again that he will be there for them. I think kids thought that if he continued to see them once he moved out of his parents' house then they would definitely consider it. But the moment he moved out he vanished again....from them. He was able to hang out with his parents and her, but not them. Once he sent an email to one of them but it was about him. I have told him that they want to hang out with him for a while, that's all it takes....I don't know why he doesn't hear this?
Bren, he does have depression....he's been hospitalized more than once. It's a messed up situation....sometimes I feel he plays the guilt card to manipulate me in to feeling sorry for him so he can have his way. At some point he needs to take ownership of his actions, it's been 5 years of this. I'm not trying to downgrade depression or any other mental illness....sorry if I have offended anyone.
Thanks everyone.
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Have you got confirmation of the marriage. Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up
No Bren, no confirmation but he will if he hasn't.
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Bren, he does have depression....he's been hospitalized more than once. It's a messed up situation....sometimes I feel he plays the guilt card to manipulate me in to feeling sorry for him so he can have his way. At some point he needs to take ownership of his actions, it's been 5 years of this. I'm not trying to downgrade depression or any other mental illness....sorry if I have offended anyone.
Lulu...You have not offended anyone. He is being a convenience father....when it is convenient for him....on his terms as he sees fit. He has not shown any consideration for his own kids, this is sad. Yes you hit the nail on the head....he needs to take ownership....not hide behind his depression or OW. He alone needs to rectify his relationship with his kids. He damaged the bond alone, his decision, the OW is a nonfactor (thanks Nah....I like that word lol) so therefore should not be involved in any repairs of the father-child relationship.
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Have you got confirmation of the marriage. Oh boy these Mlcer's are surely mixed up
No Bren, no confirmation but he will if he hasn't.
Put your ear close to the ground. Your OW is older....maybe she isn't in a rush like the rest of us? Don't listen to gossips though, the truth will come out.
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I told the kids everything the day after BD. I now wish I hadn't but I was in shock.
I did too....there was no way that I was going to tell my kids any more lies then what they had been exposed to. However, my kids where all teenagers. I would definitely not do that to younger children. Guess it is an age appropriate thing?
ATM I am not encouraging the kids to have contact with their father. Whilst he is in super monster mode in a big way, I believe I am protecting them. And they all need it. I do not talk bad about my H and never will, I just say that it is just not him ATM. I tell them that I am disappointed in what he is doing, and I don't know why he is doing the things he is doing, but so,etching is not right with him ATM. He is still their father and always will be, but at the moment he is infatuated with the ow and his single life he has forgotten how to be a dad. I know that will change sooner or later. Blood is thicker than Ow Water 😜
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Bren from what Ive heard (his nephew) SHES pushing for it, she's never been married so she can't wait, and the old wh*r^ wants to have a child, she's so screwed in the head she's passed menopause but still wants a kid lol
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Bren from what Ive heard (his nephew) SHES pushing for it, she's never been married so she can't wait, and the old wh*r^ wants to have a child, she's so screwed in the head she's passed menopause but still wants a kid lol
It's quite interesting how most OW's appear to be the ones in control, the Mlcer's are quite often railroaded into pleasing them and do it....don't get thick logicall? Many OW's are also mentally damaged as well. It is so script.
I really pray his does not happen, especially for your babies..they don't need any more trauma.
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Thank u Bren, my children have made it very clear its them or ow, he doesn't care about what anyone says including his kids, he is forging ahead with what HE wants and its not his kids.
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Chriss, that is so crazy.
If she's past menopause, good luck Charlie. Not going to happen. ::) ::)
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Chriss, that is so crazy.
If she's past menopause, good luck Charlie. Not going to happen. ::) ::)
Thunder yup so theres the proof that she's just as effed up as him, the thing is I wanted a 4th child and he wouldn't hear of it and now he wants to give this hag a child??
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Sounds like she's having a MLC herself to be so delusional.
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Sounds like she's having a MLC herself to be so delusional.
Lol! that and she's so effed up, the fact she damaged my daughters car shows what a vengeful witch she is, good luck with trying to get her off his back, if he ever does wake up.
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Lulu,
I could see your h asking that ow be apart of this if:
1. He wasn't STILL MARRIED TO you...
2. he was remarried to ow
3. your children are over the age of 18 and out of high school... and can make that choice for themselves, without your involvement...
Other than that.. I would tell him, see you in court... No way in hell I would allow my HUSBAND, to bring / introduce another woman to my children... while still married...
My son is 21. He decided not to speak to his dad, for a long time after bomb drop. I said WAY too much the first summer, after it all hit the fan, while s was home from college. I can't take it back.. but s did see alot of what his dad was doing.. so it wasn't all me, running my mouth! :) Now the tables have turned, s no longer speaks to me.. He can't be involved in both of our lives at the same time, apparently.. Puffy's rules, I'm sure.... I'm sure there have been promises of I'll buy you this s...
No judge, on this planet anyway, is going to allow minor children, to visit with a non custodial parent, on weekend visits with an OW and no divorce... What the heck is wrong with people's morals???? I get it, it's MLC.. but still... He must have a seriously large set of balls to even ask this of you and your children!!!
Stand your ground Lulu...
I have a childhood friend that is suffering from MLC.. He's dumped all three of his adult children and his now ex wife of more than 20 years... He's 44 now.. and just revealed on fakebook, that he and his 20 something pop tart are expecting... His youngest child is 21, his oldest just graduated from the military academy... His daughter is engaged to be married and is 6 months older than the thing he knocked up.... I've known this family, his parents, siblings, my entire life... Not a single person speaks to him, except his "new" friends, his family has completely walked away... and now he's having another child...with a child... and wonders why his children do not speak to him??
This is why.... because they do hateful crap to their children....Only caring about their own selfish needs and wants...
They make me sick... There should serious criminal punishment for garbage!!
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This is why.... because they do hateful crap to their children....Only caring about their own selfish needs and wants...
They are totally oblivious to it all and the consequences that follow....it is just sad
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Mine married the OW - 21 yrs his junior, younger than our youngest daughter and her best friend (not any more!)
He was 44 when he left (4yrs ago). I haven't seen him in almost 2 years, last text was about 3 months ago when he took some money (not much) that didn't belong to him (it was mine) told me he wasn't stealing it...but in effect he did. Someone said he took it to get a reaction out of me...well it didn't work.
He lives 20 minute walk from my home and still drives his police car around my area.
Someone I know.. (I really don't think in MLC) is dating someone 20+ yrs his junior (same age as my daughter), she has him wrapped around her little finger. At first I was disgusted, but now I believe they were brought into my life so I have a kind of inside view to xH and OW and it's not pretty. She says jump and he says how high.... no-one believes it will work.
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Lulu,
My h started pushing the kids to meet his ow shortly after they moved in together last year. My boys are 22 and 19. I know the 19 year old has met it and he cant stand it. Im not sure if s22 has. He refuses to talk about it.
Now my daughter is 12, soon to be 13, and i had it in the court order that she is not allwed to be around the ow. H has went against the order 2 times. I filed a complaint against him each time and he hasnt done it since. I kinda hope he does. I want him to get in trouble.
When d12 was at his house with her she put on the good act of how wonderful and nice she is. When s19 was at the house the ow got in his face and began to lecture him about spending more time with his father. S19 told hef to shut the firetruck up and she backed off. She told d12 how pretty she thought her mother was. She then bashed me in front of s19. I told d12 about this so she would know how fake this b!tc# is and not to believe their lies.
I know that i cant keep her away from the ow forever but i will fight to do so as often as i can.
The ow has a 13 year old son woth aspergers. H told me that he was borderline retarded. I dont know who is telling the truth. H told me a year ago how much he cant stand her kid and told s19 a few months ago the exact same thing. D12 told me that in the little time she has spent with the 3 of them , 2 to 3 hours, that they treat this kid like he isnt a human being. Those were d12's exact words. What bothers me is if they allow each other to treat her son this way how are they going to treat my daughter?
I know how much this hurts and i know how much we all love our children. Fight for them as much as you can.
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When will the drama cease - the man I knew so well, that would always walk-a-way from confrontation. Who is he now? When will he force himself from the tunnel....enough is enough....
I caught up with my SIL yesterday - My ExH's brothers wife. Whilst at her house her daughter (our god daughter) asked me if her Mother had told me of the recent incidents? She then continued to explain. Our niece is a single mother who works at a Pub/bar/Bistro/nightclub. She supports her son single handedly and so relies on her job to support them both.
Approx 4 weeks ago my EH and the Slore came into the bistro where Kayla was working. They approached her and requested a table for 2. It was an extremely busy night, and there were no tables available. Kayla politely advised them that there were no available tables for approx 1-1.5 hours. The Slore then continued to yell abuse at Kayla, accusing her of disliking her because she was with her uncle. She once again made a huge scene, apparently my EH also joined in on the abusive conversation making accusations and quite the scene. Kayla then excused herself to check with her supervisor. The supervisor then handled the situation and told them both that there were no tables available, but were welcomed to leave a mobile number and they would phone them when a table became available. They declined and went on their way.
Two weeks ago Kayla was working behind the bar in the nightclub section. The Slore who was obviously extremely intoxicated went up to Kayla to order drinks. Kayla refused service due to the Slores intoxication level - in Australia every bar person has a duty of care for serving alcohol to introxicated patrons and must refuse service - they can be fined if they do so. Well another commotion. Lots of yelling and abuse in front of many many people. EH came to the defence of the Slore again, very agressively apparently, yelling and swearing. Kayla commented how his pupils where bursting out of his head, so we are unsure if he was intoxicated or High. The nightclubs bouncers escorted them from the premises, whilst both of them threw verbal insults everywhere. Not a good look. She seems to throw a hissy fit whenever things dont go her way. And she is a professional lady - a real estate agent. She is just toxic. She is one damaged soul.....ever more damaged than me!
I was appalled. My Eh would never act in such a manner. Who is he now? Our poor niece could've lost her job due to the situations he put her in. Her only form of income.
This just concretes further how out of control his life is spiralling. He is lost. He is always coming to the defence of the Slore....she is definitely an addiction to him. All I can do is pray that he wakes up soon. It just breaks my heart. Something is dreadfully wrong with him..... I cannot do anything but sit back and watch. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured. December will be 3 years since BD, I pray that some change occurs soon.
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How awful to do that to your niece. What is wrong with these guys? Im praying for you to bren and every one else on here.
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Blue it just breaks my heart. This is his god-daughter, dare say his Brother is not impressed. He let the Slore do this to his daughter too on numerous occasions. They really do not care about anything! I have come to that conclusion. There is nothing we can do or say that will wake them up. That is the scary part. The emotional rollercoaster ride we and their families are subjected to is awful.
All we can do is protect ourselves and our kids and let the process unfold. I am really relying on the 3 year mark to see some change....nothing drastic just some change.... I still believe in the process and know there is hope.
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Bren that is disgusting! I believe they're possessed the way they think and carry on! my x had his ow run a nail across my daughters car and rip a big chunk out of her tyre. >:(
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Personally I think the best way to handle a bully is to ignore. They want a reaction.
In the early days, the Leaver tried to blame me for everyone "hating" him, I zipped my lips and shrugged my shoulders, hey buddy I haven't even talked to those people.
It took about two years before I heard the stories, as I just dropped out of sight.
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Personally I think the best way to handle a bully is to ignore. They want a reaction.
Definitely agree...she is insignificant and will hang herself. I just cannot justify EH's condonement of this behaviour in public to members of his family. I think I know what she is doing....but surely he sees through it?
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Well of course he won't admit there is anything wrong with her behavior ESPECIALLY if the angry bitter ex wife reacts.
What if the ex wife doesn't care?
What if friends, family, acquaintances, strangers notice but the ex wife doesn't seem to notice bc her own life is more interesting than their pathetic drama?
That, my friends, is paving the way if you care, or even better, just living the best life you can live.
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Wow, Bren. Your MLCer really cut loose with some nasty, crazy behavior.
Does your MLCer's brother even talk to him at this point?
Living the best life we can - that's exactly what I'm trying to do, Nah. Good advice. Thanks.
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Wow, Bren. Your MLCer really cut loose with some nasty, crazy behavior.
Does your MLCer's brother even talk to him at this point?
Still - his behaviour is the complete opposite to who he is. I guess like all of our Mlcer's. I am really worried it is substance abuse - drugs/steroids etc. "She" seems to start everything with people. They are both really aggressive.
My H's Brother is really concerned, H has abused both of his brothers kids. His son says that his uncle is dead to him after the last incident. My H hasn't contacted any of his family since just before Christmas last year. He has distanced himself from everyone.
Well of course he won't admit there is anything wrong with her behavior ESPECIALLY if the angry bitter ex wife reacts.
What if the ex wife doesn't care?
Nah I do not react....well not that he knows. I get told things on the grapevine. I have not had any contact with my H for awhile. We have detached since the March incident.
I do care, but I keep it to myself or my children.
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Bren,
I dont give my h a reaction either that he knows about. The kids might tell him.
I to am coming up on the 3 year mark. I think i have seen movement from him a little but hevis so back and forth and somewhat secretive its hard to tell. Plus the added aggravation of him moving at a snails pace.
This d is getting close to becoming final and the birth of our first grand child is about 2.5 months away. I hope all of this is getting him thinking.
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Thanks Blue,
I am really struggling ATM. I have so much going on in my life I feel like I am drowning...literally. I feel like I am by myself....handling this mess, along with the kids and their mental issues. I just don't know how much more I can hold on all by myself.......I am getting to a point where I need help.
Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes...I am not expecting anything significant, But it just can't keep on going on like it is. I still have hope. It is probably unrealistic of me to have this hope. I have also seen this trend in many reconciliation stories. I am starting to think that I am the one having the crisis......I am the crazy one....
I am so sorry, normally I am so so positive....but for days now I have been negatively cycling in a downward spiral. I am back on my anxiety medications.....unfortunately.
I just want someone to slap me really hard to wake up from this nightmare! I just my complete happy family back....no emotional, financial stress.
I am normally positive and believe in the Mlc process....where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled. There are not too many on this site. Other sites have lists and their stories. Sorry...I am in a bad way....in need for a walk on the beach with some fresh air.
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Bren I will keep u and your precious angels in my prayers u r a very special woman hang in there! hugs x
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Bren,
Dont ever apologize for having a bad time with this. Sometimes i vycle through my emotions so fast i dont even know whats going on. We all do. Its okay. You are a wonderful and very caring and strong woman. You can do this.
We have so much in common about how we feel about this mlc process. When i read your post its like your writing how i feel.
Dont beat yourself up . Feel what you have to feel and process it. Sending you lots of support, hugs and prayers.
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Bren,
I think we've all been just where you are. It's been much longer for me and I still get days like that where I feel ripped off and start to question myself. Right now my situation seems completely hopeless and I don't know what direction I want to go in. Sometimes if I listen to a podcast or a sermon it will make me feel better...I listen while I clean, then I don't feel so lonely.
I'm not sure if I can recommend this on this site, but I've recently found the BTGMovement...a series on youtube and Facebook where a reconciled couple talks about all aspects...it's also religious if you're interested in that. I have an appointment with the lawyer at the end of the month and I still have doubts...but, I really need to protect my children and finances.
Hugs to you, you've helped many...:)
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Bren, you need not be sorry for not being "positive"....this sucks the "positive" out of our very being. It is like climbing a steep mountain without any view of the summit, only knowing that you must take one step forward at a time. You have to keep climbing up.
Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes.
There is a problem with putting any "time frames" on any of this..because we are all different and we all had different marriages. You can look back on year 1, year 2 and probably see that there are changes, however, this is also dragging on longer than you thought, and we do get weary and tired.
Not to discourage anyone, and I hesitate to write this...I did not feel "better" until about 6 years after BD. I am in some very powerful Mind Body therapy right now and we were discussing this week how the joy and happiness I felt as a wife and mother was "better" than how I feel now. I can feel joy and happiness today 8 years later, but not the way I did when I was in our marriage and family, not even close. I still want what I once had.
Does this mean that somehow I am failing at being an LBS? Because 8 years later I continue to yearn for my husband?
The other "misconception" I have heard is it takes "3 months for every year that you were married for you to heal " I say bullcrap to that..."stats" cannot really be used when you are dealing with matters of the heart.
I function well, I live well, but as my therapist assured me....we are wired for companionship. I yearn to be held and to be loved and to love...in Gary Chapman's 5 languages of love...physical affection was one of my main things that I needed in a relationship....
Again, it is "difficult" for me because I am 100% convinced that marriage is indissoluble, thus, the opportunity to be loved in an intimate way is not available to me......
I just want someone to slap me really hard to wake up from this nightmare! I just my complete happy family back....no emotional, financial stress.
I am normally positive and believe in the Mlc process....where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled. There are not too many on this site.
OK, so I know of some reconciled marriages from this site and those LBSers do not post here. I don't think I would either and although that may seem rather selfish, I totally understand why people would not write anymore here about their marriages. In my case, this would be something very private...I stopped writing about my situation years ago on HS...sorry...but I am protective towards my husband and in some ways feel bad that I ever shared some of the things he has done...and I know others who feel this way as well.
I do believe in the MLC process but I also believe that there are many factors why, even if the crisis is resolved that the MLCer cannot find their way back home. That is reality. They may really want to come back....but can you imagine what it would take for them to deal with all that happened? To take responsibility for the damage? Perhaps easier to just suck it up and stay away...again, that will depend a great deal on the personality of the MLCer...not all will have the courage to return.
One thing I had to wrap my head around, to remove my expectation that he would come home. Yes, I still have hope for us and when I do see him, I still enjoy being with him...but this is the phrase that I needed to change in my mindset:
where are all the HS members who have successfully reconciled.
My life cannot depend upon a reconciliation. I still want that, but I cannot have that...if I cannot have that, if I cannot have an intact family.....then where do I go from there?
I sometimes did not see the change in me until months later, when I could look back and see xyzcf back then....I lost who I was and then the new xyzcf that started to emerge was not someone I recognized or liked...it is only in the last 2 years that I recognize who I am again...and I am very changed from the woman I was before, so I have to get to know her....and I am smiling as I write this...because she's pretty darn wonderful!
As you are Bren...be patient....oh, one more thing.
Trusting and I had lunch many years ago with Heartsblessing..at the time I thought of her as a "rock star" for her knowledge and understanding of MLC..and I felt very strongly that she had an ability to "know" things that most cannot know...and so at the end of lunch, she looked me straight in the eye and said "xyzcf, things are going to be fine". It was not what I wanted her to say. Somehow I "hoped" she would use her "powers" ( and trust me I do not go to psychics or clairvoyants) to tell me that my husband was definitely going to come back to me......it bothered me that she used the words she did..because I did not want things to be fine if that meant that my husband did not come home.
Well, it has been a long time and I spent a lot of energy wishing for him to come back. I cannot change that..I did try hard but could never release the hope that I have and still have for an intact family again.
But as Heartsblessing said...things are fine...I am well...I am alive....I have a better life than 99% of the rest of the world..I have friends...a daughter and son in law who are great....I have received so many gifts and graces that once I opened my eyes and heart to receive them...I realized that I am truly loved by God..I should have known that all along.
Take care Bren...believe me, there are still occasions when I take an anti anxiety medication. That may be a permanent effect from the trauma that we have experienced...the increased anxiety although again, the work I am doing with this therapist may indeed and already has changed my response to stressful times and triggers.
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Not long after I joined. One of the HS members assured me that things do change at the 3 year mark....small changes...I am not expecting anything significant, But it just can't keep on going on like it is.
Hi Bren,
I am so sorry for how you're feeling and I hope you don't take offense to my post. I have been where you are and really sincerely know how you feel.
I think it's important to remember that there are NO timelines. I feel that holding on to the "3 year" mark for even a slight change has kept you attached and full of expectation you might not have consciously been aware of. I worry that when the 3 year mark passes and nothing changes, you will feel even worse and I would hate to see you deal with that kind of unnecessary additional pain.
Granted, I'm only about 2.5 years since BD, and I've only been on the boards since Dec 2016, but I hate to say it, I really haven't seen any situations change by the 3 or even 4 year mark. Nah was the first I read about to see her MLCer open up a little bit by around year 4. Actually, I am noticing more and more reaching the 5, 6, 7 year mark and not seeing changes. It does happen, and hope is important to your stand, but just know that we are here for you and want to make sure you are not holding on too much to the idea that something will change at a certain point.
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Bren,
I hope that wasn't from me. I did see small positive changes starting around the 3 year mark, but I do not think that is the norm.
It's been over 6 1/2 years now and even though he is much more "back to himself" I still don't believe he is entirely out of his crisis. I still see a little depression from time to time.
When I came on this site I read 2 to 6 years, or something like that..so of course I zero'd right in to the 2 years. ::) I waiting for the 2 year mark because surely he would come out of it.
Nope, 2 years, no changes what so ever. It depressed me.
I think any expectations with time only sets you back.
I also agree with xyzcf. I think a lot of people who reconcile don't need this forum anymore.
It's just a reminder of all the pain. There may be a lot more reconciliations than we see.
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Nah was the first I read about to see her MLCer open up a little bit by around year 4. Actually, I am noticing more and more reaching the 5, 6, 7 year mark and not seeing changes.
Just like Thunder, when I first read your timeline expectation I hoped it wasn't from me.
I did mention noticeable changes around the 3 year mark and Thunder did respond with seeing the same with her husband BUT.... every circumstance is different, there are so many factors.
For me, we spent a little over a year getting divorced. The interactions were forced due to hearings, meetings, etc., yes, he did everything to avoid but who knows what our contact level would have been without divorce proceedings.... zero or maybe some due to no pressure, I have no idea b/c it's not how it happened with us.
Once the divorce was final,.... two years of virtually nothing. There were crumbs here and there but mostly nothing.
Then he lost his job and he contacted me. I will never know if it was just b/c he no longer wanted to pay alimony or due to time he was more comfortable, but most likely a combination of both. Due to him being forced to contact me again, more than once, and time passing and me being relaxed and friendly, our contact increased. Yes, there were changes and yes, he opened up way more than I expected BUT....
He didn't change his course, he still got married.
Now? The last month I have received a few e-mails about houses but he virtually disappeared again. Most likely guilt about the marriage, worried that I might hit him with an emotional debate, but I have no intentions of even mentioning it, why bother?
Yesterday when I lost my job I contacted him right away asking him to take over son's medical and car insurance, like I did for him when he lost his job. Normally he would respond within minutes,... I sent this message yesterday morning and not one peep from the Leaver.
Now he might be on a honeymoon as he married last weekend, but still I saw he posted advertisements for his business on Facebook yesterday so he does have internet and phone access. Either he doesn't want to talk to me b/c she is up his @ss OR, he is just plain old ignoring me.
Too bad when you start your shiny new fake life, your old one keeps popping up, even on your honeymoon.
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Dear Bren
First of all, I hope today is a slightly better day. I got the sense that your feelings were about two things; feeling overwhelmed by dealing with some of the fallout 'rubble' and feeling unsure about hope vs pragmatism.
We all survived a hurricane and it leaves damage to people as well as us, and to the general stuff of life. If you didn't feel overwhelmed by that sometimes, you'd be an idiot and you're obviously far from that. Sometimes that means though we need to get creative - do less, simplify things or seek help. No one needs you to be superwoman - good enough is good enough - and small steps in the right direction are less exhausting than big goals.
On the whole hope/timescales/now thing...I think, other than the pain watching someone you love self-destruct, this is the hardest challenge. Like the line from Alice in Wonderland about believing six impossible things before breakfast! You know that there is a predictable MLC process but you also know that if/how individuals come through it is not. You can't know, you just can't. But you want to keep a kernel of hope yet hope hurts. For me - and I've struggled with this for months - it is the difference between hope and faith. Hope tends to pull you to an outcome. Faith is that things will not stay the same and they will get better even if you don't know what that will look like yet. Until then, you choose your direction of travel and work on the things you can make better now for you and your family, and (depending on your belief system) you let God/time/the laws of the universe/the MLC process look after the rest.
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Thankyou all so much! I am relying on the timeline point of 3 years to see an improvement - I understand that I am setting myself up to fall again, but at the moment I desperately need something to hold onto.
Last Thursday the Slore pressed charges of Stalking upon me. I have no idea of where she lives, works, who her friends are etc. I have only seen her approximately 6 times. She has been receiving text anonymous text messages and is trying to pin this upon me. I pleaded not guilty naturally, but was charged and spent the night in the watchhouse. Dressed in Jail greens and handcuffed. I spent one night in a jail cell sleeping on a concrete floor. I was bailed the following morning. I have never in my entire life been treated and subjected to such a soul destroying experience...besides BD.
Two of my children where collected from home in police cars and escorted to the police station for questioning. They were both charged for sending text messages to their father - fortunately they received juvenile cautions. The text messages were far from friendly, but to be honest what did he expect?
Once again we are a shattered family. How can this happen? I am a 47 year old woman and only have ever received one speeding fine in my life. Now I am charged with stalking. The OW made a statement saying that I was fixated upon her and blame her for the breakdown of my marriage. She lied on the police statement that their relationship commenced after my H moved out of the marital house.
I intend to fight this charge with all my resources.
This is the reason for my low mood. We are devastated. My daughter is not coping again and I am seriously at my wits end. How can a man who was loved beyond for nearly 30 years do this to his family? Allow this woman to make these false accusations. This will be more embarrrassment for all.
I really have nothing...I am so angry, disappointed, shattered.....destroyed.
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:'(
They are no words Brenross.
I pray for your comfort..please, please take good care of yourself.
What kind of horrible people are there...that would do such a thing? For what reason? And how oh how can the men that we loved, allow such a thing to happen?
I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))
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Good grief Bren, I'm so sorry that you've been put through that ordeal, it sounds horrific
I'm really struggling with finding the right words, it's disgusting that you and your children can be treated that way, I'm really sorry and thinking of you
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Hugs to you Bren. These people never cease to amaze me...their conscience will catch up...
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I am at wits end how my ExH can once again do this to his kids....especially his daughter....she has tried to commit suicide twice...he really just does not care any more. She cried herself to sleep when I was in the watchhouse - fortunately S2 hugged her all night.
Throw drama at me, I am an adult and can handle this the legal way...but don't hurt my babies. I am a conflict avoider and she obviously knows that. The police are saying that I have contacts on my Apple phone for anonymous websites. There are no such contacts that I have entered or can even view. I phoned Apple and they connected into my phone and recorded their testing. Their testing came up with nothing. The rest of the evidence is circumstantial with absolutely no evidence..it is a joke.
Thankyou very much for the inbox messages. They have helped immensely. Yes I do agree that she is baiting me and my family. Playing her games to make us all distance ourselves from my H. I guess if he believes he has no-one who else does he turn to?
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Last Thursday the Slore pressed charges of Stalking upon me. I have no idea of where she lives, works, who her friends are etc. I have only seen her approximately 6 times. She has been receiving text anonymous text messages and is trying to pin this upon me.
Probably sent them to herself to make her look like a victim and you the "crazy ex-wife". We know they have no limits and will go to extremes to feel relevant. I'm sorry you are going through this. You will get through it just like everything else, one step at a time.
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Brenross,
I am sorry that you are the recipient of such evil behavior. Surely, the fact that you are divorced should distance you from this kind of abuse?
I weep for your children :'( How devastating for them.
I hope you are able to defend yourself from these false accusations, I pray that the courts see the total injustice you have been submitted to.
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Thankyou very much for the inbox messages. They have helped immensely. Yes I do agree that she is baiting me and my family. Playing her games to make us all distance ourselves from my H. I guess if he believes he has no-one who else does he turn to?
On the other hand, if he has no one else, he has only her. And really, how else is he going to be forced to see her for the truly BPD toxic person she is (and truly see that he got himself to where he currently is) than if he finds he's lost everything and is truly left with nothing but her.
Your situation is extreme and this is abuse. You don't have to completely turn your back on him or stop believing in him, Bren. But maybe it would not be such a bad thing if he starts to really believe you have. Just food for thought.
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Oh man, Bren. I am so sorry that this has happened to you and the kids. You certainly don't live in the USA because where I'm from I've never heard of anybody spending the night in a jail cell because some moron has accused them of sending anonymous text messages! :o
OW has your MLCer under her spell for sure. How very, very sad and pathetic.
Hang in there. We are here to lend as much support and encouragement as we can.
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I'm thinking counter-file charges of libel/slander, false reporting to authorities, demand to see the police ëvidence" that they claim with a lawyer, providing the test report from Apple under seal..... and filing for a restraining order against the OW AND xH
Text messages are NEVER totally anonymous... They can usually be traced to an IEMI (Individual Equipment Manufacturer Identification) number that is specific to each and every telephone in the entire world, even if the outgoing number is suppressed..
Charged with sending text messages to their father? WTF? Does he have a no contact or restraining order against them/you? If he doesn't, how can charges be filed?
There is more to this than the OW whinging about anonymous text messages with the way you were treated... I'm smelling a rat here....
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Bren,
Im so sorry that you and your children are going through this. Your h and his slore are very despicable snd disgusting people. They are the lowest of the low. Im with ursa on this. There is alot more to this. You are a strong woman. Fight this. Knock the both of them off their pedestals. Listen to ursa snd file charges agsinst them. We are all here to support you. Sending lots of hugs and strength.
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This is horrific Bren.
Time to get legal advice and fight this with every ounce of strength you can muster.
Everything that Ursa says is correct. Why can't your children text their father? They are at liberty to do so.
Not that it comes anywhere close to your experience but I was accused falsely of something at work and I was determined to clear my name. It took guts and strength but I found it. You will too -fight for your children - show them that honesty, truth and integrity are more important than lies, deceit and betrayal.
Ursa is correct - every text has a unique code from its originator. You will have to demand this though through legal channels.
Can the police legally question a juvenile without a parent or guardian present? They can't in the UK. Something is seriously, seriously wrong here. Get that lawyer somehow.
Find an organisation that will guide you such as domestic abuse or citizen's advice.
Do not do this on your own - we can support you morally and emotionally. Find someone Bren, talk to someone - ACT and hold your head up so high that your ex H and OW would have to break their necks to see your face!
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Um - We have no restraining order against ExH and vice versa. On the handful of occasions when Monster has made an appearance in public against myself and our children I have elected to do nothing. Even when he attackedvand pushed me about 2 weeks after BD - I did go to the Police Station for a DVO, but dropped it when H begged me to do so. I have just put this behaviour down to MLC or his substance abuse. He was never a violent person, very conflict avoidant like myself.
In Hindsight I should've had a AVO issued against the OW - especially when she has verbally abused and/or bullied my children.
My H elects not to have anything to do with our children, by choice....or Mlc choice? I have never stopped him from seeing his kids. He has walked away.
For about 6 months following BD D and S3 were sending H text messages, they advised the police last week that they were using various website onlines - they were extremely hurt and mad at H, and in the early days there were confrontations etc. I do not excuse their behaviour, and as a mother I am embarrassed, but knowing what the kids went through I can understand. My H was far from innocent with his actions. He pressed charges, but the police issued them with a juvenile caution on a Telecommunications offence. He has previously sent the police to our Daughter for her text messaging him from her phone and her not going to school - due to depression, anxiety etc. She has attempted suicide twice - definitely a cry out for help, but her father has ignored.
The police have charged me with a Stalking charge. I don't even know where they live or what cars they drive ect. She has been receiving messages too and messages have been received by others (unknown to us) from her number, she is pressing the charges. Apparently the text messages are discrediting her professional reputation.
The police are saying that they found 3 contacts on my I-phone in my contacts for sms websites. When I enter contacts in my phone I go the whole hog - phone number, fax, physical address, web site etc. the police are saying that the contacts are website addresses only. I dispute this and have never heard or visited these sites, so I contacted Apple to seek advise, that is when they performed their diagnostic testing which was recorded. The police found a VPN service running on our main computer. That is all they have.
I will be fighting this with all my heart no soul.
Thanks for the information about the unique code, I am not tech savvy so have no idea. I will,pass this onto,my lawyer.
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Having a VPN service installed is nothing that can rise to the level of bringing charges... I have 2 sets of VPN services, one for my company and one for the customer. Both require an absolute login and that makes a secure connection to the company or customer Server... Nothing more.... If your kids are involved in any kind of remote education, they are probably using CITRIX VPN software to connect to the school (for example).
If that is what the cops are telling you as what they have for evidence, they are as dumb as a box of rocks and have NO idea about technology. OR tthey are trying to baffle you with BS to bluff their way into you confessing something...
VPN = Virtually Private Network - VPN's are used to connect a PC remotely to a network (usually corporate) with a secure connection. It has NOTHING to do with anonymizing your communications. It is a Point to Point service.
You need to get a lawyer and have them demand disclosure - the police should be required to disclose which Web Sites they are referring to in your contacts list. It is entirely possible that you have been driveby downloaded where you have gone to a web Site and there is a piece of code that automatically installs itself.. However, the fact that they are there does NOT rise to ANY level of criminal offense. You could have a bottle of wine in your fridge too but that doesn't give grounds for a Drunk Driving charge....
The question comes to mind that if your kids have been sending messages to H via such services on your family plan where you are the öwner" of the contract, that may be how you got involved. In addition, if the texts were sent anonymously, how could OW know they were from you and file charges?
The cops have either NOT done any sort of due diligence/due process or there is more going on.
Finally, if HER phone is sending message
She has been receiving messages too and messages have been received by others (unknown to us) from her number
then it is highly likely that HER phone has been infected by a virus or other program that allows someone to remotely send messages..> She'll have a nice bill at the end of the month.
Sorry, I am a Telecom Engineer by trade and there are just WAY too many things that do NOT make ANY sense to me...
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Hey Bren! Listen to UM he is making a lot of sense!!! Going to jail for a text message???? That's crazy does she have friends in the police dept??? It sounds to me you are being set up. Please find a professional agency. This is a form of abuse. You must start finding a safe zone. Hugs!!!!
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Oh my. I'm so sorry for you and your children, Brenross. Truly horrific, no one should have to deal with what you have on your hands. Please stay strong and seek all the help you can and need!
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Um - Thankyou very much!!! I am far from tech savvy, you sound like the tech expert I need. I will message you shortly
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I agree with Ursa, there are too many tech things that do not make any sense.
At it also makes no sense that OW would know who send anonymous messages. Anonymous means the sender is not known. She may think it is you, but think, now and have proof are all different things.
Currently, I am not using a VPN, but I have used a couple. There is nothing illegal or wrong with using one.
You need a lawyer and one that either knows about tech stuff or works with people who know.
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I agree with UM and Anjae.
Some things just don't add up.
A good tech person should be able to help you.
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Hey bren,
I was just wondering how things were going. Hope you are doing better.
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Hey Bren hope u are feeling better thinking of u.
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Best parts of vanishers....
I get to spend whatever I want on what I want... Within reason of course, I'm a teacher... But still.. Y'all know the kind of economic freedom comes with a vanisher... I dont have much but I have everything I need...
And now that includes the Saturday morning mani, pedi, and bikini wax.. With a massive venti Starbucks!!!!
Fixing to enjoy some much needed time with my Duke!!!!!
Happy happy Saturday y'all!!!!!
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I like this game....
Best parts of vanishers.
No husband = no monster.
Plus
Since he vanished and left all his stuff, I sold it and traveled.
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I'll play! The best part is I'm no longer just his designated driver and listening to his teasing me to make others laugh. And of course no MIL to compete with!!!
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Oh Yes!!! No MIL.... big plus.
Also...
I didn't realize until after he left that the big dark cloud over the house was HIM.
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Same here the black cloud and walking on eggshells nothing made him happy always looking to create drama.
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Best part of my now nearly vanisher: I don't have to clean up all the crap he left lying around. Trash, plates, socks, shoes, clothes, dirty pans, stiff all over the counters.
And I agree about the dark cloud. I thought I was unhappy, but I was only unhappy because I had someone gaslighting me, and I didn't realize it. I was amazed at how much I improved when my Wallower moved out.
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Also him and his mother were the reason I got onto anti depressants both of em always supporting each other it was like he was married to her, she came before his kids/me thats how she trained him.
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I've stamped my passport and travelled domestically more since he left than we did our entire marriage....and we travelled a lot!!! Ohhhhh... The airline miles!!!!
Something he completly forgot about during the d...
Oooooopppppsssss...
Mexico, three times, first class,all inclusive...
Fourth time was paid for by my friends...
He took all of the stuff, I never fought for it... Life is too short for stuff!!!!
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;D ;D ;D I love this MsM.....
I've stamped my passport and travelled domestically more since he left than we did our entire marriage....and we travelled a lot!!! Ohhhhh... The airline miles!!!!
Something he completly forgot about during the d...
Oooooopppppsssss...
Mine forgot a few items too....
Oooooooppppssss ;D ;D ;D
Taking me off of his credit card was a big one. I took one of my boyfriends on a three day weekend on an Island. It happened to land on our anniversary so when the Leaver noticed the charges I told him it was his last anniversary present to me. ;D ;D ;D
and this....
I've stamped my passport and travelled domestically more since he left than we did our entire marriage....and we travelled a lot!!! Ohhhhh... The airline miles!!!!
Yes, I couldn't agree more. There will always be an excuse not to do it,... make traveling a priority, if not now, then when??
I too have traveled more since BD, then the 30 years before he left. I would have NEVER done these things if Mr. Complainy-pants was still weighing me down.
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Thanks everyone for your insights. I'm learning a lot from you although I am still unsure if I am the OW. ;D Ex said he's getting divorced, told me (almost) everything about his life including two kids (where they go to school, where he works, etc.). I haven't been to his house though because his divorce isn't final yet and his parents are against it.
The first year he was caring, doting, and everything we wanted from a man although he has always been busy. But tries to spend time with (call) me. The following year he started disappearing slowly. He doesn't tell me his whereabouts, rarely calls, doesn't talk much about his life except about what he feels on that day. Told me he has been depressed, lethargic, etc. It could be MLC according to him. But he's only 37, so I'm not sure.
The last few weeks, I only get good morning messages. Nothing more. When I ask him how he feels or when I open topics about his hobbies, he didn't respond. Told me he didn't want to touch his phone except when it's work related.
We didn't see each other for three months, so I paid him a surprise visit. We talked for a FEW minutes. He went home because he said he was sick. The following day I asked if I could see him one last time before I go home. He said he was so sick and apologized. I got suspicious because that's so not him. He's been sick before but still he spent time with me. Long story short, I found out he played golf and went to work instead of being with me. He was sick, but not too sick not to see me.
When I saw him that night, it was like a different person. The guy who would make sure I was OK, who would go out of his way to call and spend time with me, is gone. I was like talking to a stranger.
I broke up with him out of anger for lying to me.
Two weeks after, I asked why did he have to lie. No response.
I don't know what to do as this is my first time to encounter MLC. My dad didn't have this and none of my uncles had it too.
Oh, well.
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If your " boyfriend" is married then you are the other woman and i have absolutely no sympathy for you. You should keep your story on your own thread.
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I also find it hard to believe that unsure if your an ow or not. He is married. Your an ow. Does that help?
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;D Ex said he's getting divorced, told me (almost) everything about his life including two kids (where they go to school, where he works, etc.). I haven't been to his house though because his divorce isn't final yet and his parents are against it.
You do realize that you are writing to all the wives, right?
What do you think our husbands said to the women who f*cked our husbands?
"my wife doesn't understand me, we have been living a lie for years, I never loved her like I love you,,,blah, blah, blah...."
You are that woman.
I, for one, don't want you to leave here. I want to know your thought process b/c many of us want to know how another woman can be ok with destroying our families. Your boyfriend is married with two kids??.... have you spoke to the wife? Do you think she is evil/stupid/neglecting her husband?
I really want to know. You can be valuable here b/c we spend years questioning each other what might be going through the minds of people like you.
Maybe you really believe the things he is saying. Maybe you are so selfish you might not care that a woman is heaving up a dry stomach due to the emotional pain she is in b/c of her lying, cheating husband and the woman that seems to be ok with helping him cause her pain. Then she has to wipe her tears and force a smile b/c she has two innocent children that will be seriously messed up for their entire lives due to adults that only care about themselves.
Do you wonder about her?
Do you believe the words that come out of his mouth?
Are you in pain?
Do you want what she has?
This is your opportunity to do some good and take a step in the right direction. Help us understand.
We have a million questions for you.
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;D Ex said he's getting divorced, told me (almost) everything about his life including two kids (where they go to school, where he works, etc.). I haven't been to his house though because his divorce isn't final yet and his parents are against it.
You do realize that you are writing to all the wives, right?
What do you think our husbands said to the women who f*cked our husbands?
"my wife doesn't understand me, we have been living a lie for years, I never loved her like I love you,,,blah, blah, blah...."
You are that woman.
I, for one, don't want you to leave here. I want to know your thought process b/c many of us want to know how another woman can be ok with destroying our families. Your boyfriend is married with two kids??.... have you spoke to the wife? Do you think she is evil/stupid/neglecting her husband?
I really want to know. You can be valuable here b/c we spend years questioning each other what might be going through the minds of people like you.
Maybe you really believe the things he is saying. Maybe you are so selfish you might not care that a woman is heaving up a dry stomach due to the emotional pain she is in b/c of her lying, cheating husband and the woman that seems to be ok with helping him cause her pain. Then she has to wipe her tears and force a smile b/c she has two innocent children that will be seriously messed up for their entire lives due to adults that only care about themselves.
Do you wonder about her?
Do you believe the words that come out of his mouth?
Are you in pain?
Do you want what she has?
This is your opportunity to do some good and take a step in the right direction. Help us understand.
We have a million questions for you.
I had to do a double take on this womans post.. unbelievable.. Thank you for your comments nah, you took the words right out of my mouth...
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I, for one, don't want you to leave here. I want to know your thought process
Agree, agree, agree, agree.
I know many will read and be enraged and I am begging - begging - please do not lash out so harshly that we scare her off. We all have intense pain. Hell, I've cycled back to extreme anger just this past week and have been dealing with that all over again, and when I first read this I thought, wow, I could not be reading this at a better time.
Let's remember that we all have so many questions about the OP, how and why they could have done what they did and what they were thinking. And now here it is in our laps, someone who could maybe shed some light. And someone who is also clearly hurting and needs to understand what has gone on in her life for the past year and a half. I hope we can all take a step back and be sure we're not taking our pain out on this poster.
From what she writes, she didn't set out to ruin a marriage. Yes, she may have made choices that we don't understand, and she may have made choices that she wasn't clearly seeing would hurt someone else, but we can help her see that as well. And she can help us see how she came to those choices.
Her insights can help us tremendously. And in turn, we can help her. This is exactly what we all say we want, to understand each other so that these things can be better understood.
And to me, it sounds like her "boyfriend" fell in limerence with her and the limerence is fading. He called her his "soulmate" for godsake, so to me it reads just like everything I've ever read on limerent affairs.
B, you might want to do some reading yourself on limerence and limerent affairs. It could help you assess your situation a lot better as well.
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She sure seems really proud of herself that she's a home wrecker, UNfiretruckINGBELIEVABLE, my x married someone like her just last week, my 3 kids haven't stopped crying.
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Thank you Chriss!!!! I for one am raging right now. I am so insulted that this piece of trash would post anything on this thread or this site for that matter. It is a slap in the face to all of us who have suffered from common gutter $l()ts like her.
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I think it's important to remember there are all kinds of OW. I didn't get that this woman felt proud. I think she made a questionable decision to get involved with a lying cheater who told her his marriage was over. I hope we can all be objective.
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Remember what it says on the top of this page and re-read the Mission Statement
Love each other, Love your Spouses and Love yourselves. The Unconditionals apply to everyone.
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Doesnt say love ows
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Doesnt say love wh*r^s
It says "everyone"
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I wonder how many of these ows have said" I didn't know he was married" justifying her actions. She is playing the victim.
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Again, we have a choice here. We can lump all OW together as one collective boogeyman to target, lash out in anger and scare her off and learn nothing.
Or we can be objective, listen, and hopefully learn a heck of a lot more about her, our MLCers and ourselves in the process.
I vote for the latter.
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Your out of your mind to give this piece of trash any kind if value.
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I'm with Nas, but we probably already scared her away.
This forum has changed over the years, some good, some not so good.
When I was first here, there was a former MLCer that started to post.
Several posters were not too happy,.... how dare a cheater write on this site?
I begged him to stay. His insights were invaluable and helped me beyond words. He could tell me things that only a MLCer would understand. As I said earlier, we go around and around in circles asking each other,... now we have one of them in our laps.
Let's help each other.
B- are you strong enough to withstand the fire? Helping us to understand could possibly make up for some of your past mistakes.
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I hope cross site posting is allowed?
This may help:
https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/lifes-lessons-misdirected-anger-at-the-other-woman/
-T
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And what mistake would that be? Trusting my husband? I am strong. Stronger than i ever thought possible. I will not particpate in any conversation with a home wrecking ow who wants sympathy for her married boyfriend ignoring her. I have read on here about some of tje abuse that these pigs dish out to the lbs and their children and its appalling.
Bren has spent the nigjt in jail because of her h and his ow. Her daughter had been suicidal because of it. What about that?
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Sadly.. we want to blame the ow... It must be her fault.. He would have never done this to me, if it wasn't for her...
So untrue... They would have done it to us, regardless of who or what the OW is....
Remember.. THEY LIED TO the OW as well.... We have NO idea what they've been "told" about us... We aren't the only victims of their lies!!
It's not the OP's fault when they've been lied to.... They are only operating from what they know and have been told!
It's once they know the truth... and they continue... That's when I say, throw them overboard... If you know that the person you are seeing is married... and you still continue to see them, that's when I agree totally with y'all... NO MERCY...
You know what it's like to find out the most trusted person in your life, your spouse, is a total lying, piece of poo... Now... flip that... Find out what the man you've been dating is really married and is a massive douche bag and you are now guilty of being a homewrecker...
A real lady would walk away from this type of man.... Sadly, we know most of the OW's we encounter, are the farthest thing from a lady!!
I'm like Nah... I would love to understand just what exactly do they say that makes it all "seem" ok to be a cheater??
Just my two cents....
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Bluerose, I think Nah's comment about learning from your mistakes was directed at the OP, not at all at you.
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Me too. I got that after i posted. This whole thing has upset badly.
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Bluerose, I think Nah's comment about learning from your mistakes was directed at the OP, not at all at you.
Yes, her name starts with "B" also.
I did not at all mean your past mistakes, Blue.
Believe me when I understand your anger. In real life, I mad dog every single other woman that I come into contact, including my own sister. I'm here though to learn and understand, maybe to help others in the future. Maybe this person doesn't belong on this thread but I would sure love to see her opening up on a discussion thread, maybe "I was the other woman", so those of us that want to know can ask her questions.
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Humor me and let's just say she opens a thread called "I was the Other Woman (ignore this if you don't want to hear from me)"
What possibly can we learn from the OW that we DEEP DOWN don't ALREADY know.
Let's see...
Did your boyfriend (my H) lie to you?
..... uhhhh, yes he lied all the time the same way he lied to you
Why did you stay in a relationship when you knew he (my H) was married?
..... it was fun and the sex was good because it had to be a big secret
..... because I love him and he loves me
..... and we are actually soulmates
What about the kids? Do you realize how you ripped the hearts out of those 2 (3,4,5, even 1) innocent children?
..... the kids like being around me (delusional)
..... I haven't met the kids and they don't know about me right now
..... the kids are heartbroken because of their mom and dad, not me
Why do you question whether or not you're the other woman?
..... I don't question it any more, that's why I wrote this thread
What would you say to your boyfriend's wife (me) if you saw her (me) on the street?
..... I would tell her to move on, he's not in love with her
..... we are soulmates
..... have you seen SCHMOOPIES?
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Very well put calling heart. I couldnt agree more and would she even tell the truth.
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I should post the email that i received from the ow in response to me calling her a homewrecker. Unfortunately I did not about hs the day of bd and I wrote her a nasty email. The reply she sent was ridiculous.
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Good point.
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Tyks,
If you want to share it please do.
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Just caught up on our vanisher thread. Seems we have a bit of a debate going here.
I'll throw my two cents in but will wait to see if Banaynaboat drops in to continue posting.
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Earlier I thought she might be someone with regrets who could possibly be reaching out and we could help each other.
If she doesn't respond then she just a typical other woman.
Selfish and/or stupid.
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Probably both
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What ticks me off is the entitlement these home wreckers think they are owed.
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Nice job calling....
The audacity of comparing a 17 + year marriage with children to what..
I struggle with it too...
:)
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Hey everyone, you didn't scare me off. I am learning a lot from you. I may not have the same feelings as you because we were not together for a long time, we're not married, and we don't have kids, but all this time I thought I was "the spouse" except we're not married. So I kind of understand where you're coming from.
I really apologize if I made you angry. I really do. If you'd like to know my story, please see my latest post (link below). It's true that I am hurting too but probably not as hurt as you. I know I should have done better researching before trusting his words, but believe me I have no intention to be a homewrecker. My parents didn't raise me for that. I have my own stable job, my own house I bought by myself, I am independent. I don't want to waste my time on a married man who cannot give his 100% to me.
Again, I'm really sorry.
BTW, I’m divorced too.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9358.20
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Next time you meet a man you should probably hear the word "divorced" rather than married but they don't live together or they have separate rooms. Those are usually lies.
My stbx's work sl@t did not want to be called a homewrecker either and she really believed she wasn't so i am not sure what my h told her but it was obviously lies bc I had no idea he was on the verge of being done in this m.
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I remember asking W back in March "What the firetruck did you tell OM about our R that made him feel comfortable with you climbing into his bed?" W answered "I haven't told him anything negative about us"... I nearly pissed myself and said "OK, now I know that hes a total Twat".
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If this is what this site is becoming, support for the poor ow, than im done.
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ows destroy households and families they shouldn't be given a 2nd thought, my x married his I hope he's miserable.
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Personally I love the vanisher threads and would like to see this thread back to its roots.
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No it's not becoming support for the "poor w***e". ChrissY and Blue!
Read what she is saying carefully Blue - she has begun to realise that she is the OW and she DOESN'T like it or want the situation. She has begun to realise that she has to walk away from him and that is the sign of a woman who actually doesn't want to break up the home and who certainly doesn't want to engage with a married or newly divorced man who clearly lies, cheats and is in MLC.
If you had read RCR's descriptions of the OW - you will see that she talks about the Naive young thing, the one who is young and duped into believing everything she is told by the MLCer. This kind of OW is not a malicious person and she is not manipulative or scheming - just very foolish and very naive. This fits Bana. Most of theses OWs leave the MLCer after a short period of time.
Most of the OWs on here, including my H's, are manipulative, scheming and in the MLCer's pockets all of the time. Most of them are the ones who spread lies, rumours and stop at nothing to destroy the LBS and children. This description does not apply to Bana.
Blue - please stop being so angry - it is eating you up inside. You are hurting and your indignance and anger at the posts come from a source of pain that is incredibly deep.
It is of course your choice to leave the forum and I would be sad to see you go but to do it out of anger is not necessarily helpful for you.
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I have never felt that the OW is to blame for our spouse's crisis. Who knows what they have been told?
Some, yes may be "after" our husbands for a multiple of reasons. I feel sorry for those who are so desperate to have him.
But, it is my spouse who made the decision to have an affair. No-one twisted his arm, no one made him do it. He was supposed to love and cherish me and our family.....he stopped doing that for whatever reason ( in my case, I believe it is a "symptom" of his crisis but there are many other reasons why people cheat).
Whoever the other person was, is irrelevant...it is my spouse who has the fault here.
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S&D I'm speaking of all home wrecking ows not specifically her, maybe she's realised the err of her ways and is making the right choice, I don't know the ow who married my husband I know for a fact couldn't give a damn what he's done (my daughter sent her a message and told her he is having a crisis) did she give a damn? NO she showed him what my daughter wrote to her and they probably both laughed at my daughters pain.
I responded to your private message :)
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.it is my spouse who has the fault here.
Exactly....
It is every LBSer's spouse who is to blame here. The OW/OM can have been told a multitude of lies including that the MLCer was divorced when they weren't.
It's the infamous line " we're not together any more" that usually starts it! Look at how vague that line is... And guess who says it? The MLCer!
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.it is my spouse who has the fault here.
Exactly....
It is every LBSer's spouse who is to blame here. The OW/OM can have been told a multitude of lies including that the MLCer was divorced when they weren't.
It's the infamous line " we're not together any more" that usually starts it! Look at how vague that line is... And guess who says it? The MLCer!
OH FOR SURE! I blame my x more than I do the ow, he went out looking for her he went out searching for something 'better'
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When my h. started his short vanishing phase, (he is much more of an "on-off-er" turn boomerang at times ???), he got out a loan (in his name only) at the bank and a few years later I found the application forms at home. He put himself down as "separated" - this was three weeks after BD and he was still living at home, sleeping in the same bed as me :o.
So, they lie to themselves, also, it is well known that our marriages are over at BD according to their way of thinking, I guess they can be pretty convincing to the OP telling them that they are in the final stages of divorce. My h. only managed to divorce me four years after BD.
That didn't stop him from considering himself married to OW, wearing a wedding ring for her, all the while when he was still legally married to me.
It is definitely much more on our spouses than on the other person.
The OW in our case knew me, she chose to believe what my h. fabricated about our marriage for whatever reason... she is probably a damaged person, I don't know. I prefer to pray for her and at the same time pray that she be removed from my h.'s life in God's timing. She is not the enemy.
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Personally I love the vanisher threads and would like to see this thread back to its roots.
I'll take us back. I'm disgusted with my off and on/vanisher lately. Cycling through some anger and working my way out of it. How does a man find out his wife has cancer and just hide away and not even ask how she's doing. It's sickening, the level of self-absorption and denial these MLCers are in.
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Nas-
I really wish I had a good answer for that one.
All I can say, is the guilt and shame due to their own actions/ inactions hopefully will hit them like a brick in the face someday.
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I'm still somewhat pissed that puffy didn't even bother to acknowledge my text....
Vanishers poke their little pea heads out, just long enough for what I suspect was a drunken text..
But vanish soooooo quickly, they cannot respond...
I do wonder what s has shared with him... S is sooo distant from me right now. I have no clue if he's in contact with his dad.. My son is like a mini vanisher... He tells me nothing if he contacts me at all. I'm only interested in what s tells puffy he's up to. We can't compare s stories....
New thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9428.0