Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Treasur on October 29, 2017, 04:59:21 AM
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Wondering what the correlation might be between LBS Stages and how long ago BD was?
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I tend to date my BD to 18 months ago. As that is when the serious BD happened. OW was in the picture from 16 months ago, but I actually would date the MLC back to 3 years ago when I got a sort of BD while he was at his cousin's funeral that turned quickly into a denial phase that made me think it was just a passing worry on his part for which we agreed on a solution and that lasted for maybe 15 months and then a few months after we moved in with his mother it turned to anger for a couple months before becoming replay.
Now he seems to be in the latter half of replay where he has started to seriously see the reality of what he has gotten himself into since about 6 months ago.
I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.
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My BD was 28 months ago. No changes as she is still in Wallower replay which really isn't replay, that's why I like Escape and Avoid instead, lol. Currently playing the silent treatment/ NC game or is just overtly depressed. IDK. I leave her alone for the most part. She Monstered the other morning but Monster does appear to be slowly dying. I've only been home 6 weeks after a 6 month absence so time will tell. Furthermore, we've only lived together and had contact for 10 weeks now since Oct 2016.
The constant rage from 2015/2016 appears to be gone. I either have learned to stop provoking her or she is calming down. Could be both. I'd say she is normal spouse mad at the moment. Unfortunately she just happens to be mad everyday.
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Useful reflections (with the loud caveat and warning about timetables and expectations right?!!!)
With hindsight I think my STBXH was lightly stewing from early 2014 maybe. BD was mid Oct 15. He was a wallower for the first 6 months or so, then had what I now know was a touch-and-go over about 6 weeks. Didn't understand MLC so thought he was getting 'better' and we'd start to figure stuff out together - which is what he said he wanted. Unbeknownst to me, OW was in play from at least Apr 16 and bang - in May he sent a text out of the blue saying he wanted a D. Became full on vanisher then, bit of text Monster spew and looking back at the financial records, his mad Replay stuff started about the same time. Another touch-and go in Sept 16, back to vanisher.
Popped his head up again in June 17 wanting to 'chat' but I needed to say no - too close to the D being final, needed to protect my sanity and my gut said he was still far from cooked. By now, understood a bit more about MLC!
Last couple of months, he's done one big 'thinky' email (although very me-sadz, no choice but to 'move on' stuff but feel bad and confused) and a few responses on practical stuff. In last fortnight or so, a dramatic door slamming disappearance back to silent vanisher (amazing how loud silence can be) but did agree to financials via his L (eventually).
Gut instinct? I think he might be (just) beginning to sidle out of Replay but I expect a) he'll keep running a bit longer b) he'll go sloooow even by MLC standards c) he might be one of those for whom D is part of the necessary 'losses' and things could get much worse for him before they get better. No idea what will happen to him but I won't be around to see it, so I suppose it isn't relevant any longer. My best guess? If I am ever going to hear from him again, it would be 6-12 months down the line after the D. I'm pretty sure he thinks (irregardless of anything I say or do) that I could never forgive him and he has no idea of how to build a return bridge. He might be right - who knows - but most of it is projection of what's in his head because he has never asked. Or he might decide to marry OW...or go bankrupt...or lose his job...or run away and change his name to Griselda...really, I have no clue!
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Oops, I made a typo above. The below should be about 6 weeks ago, not 6 months ago.
Now he seems to be in the latter half of replay where he has started to seriously see the reality of what he has gotten himself into since about 6 months ago.
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Or he might decide to marry OW...or go bankrupt...or lose his job...or run away and change his name to Griselda...really, I have no clue!
Would that last one be with or without a sex change operation? :D
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I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.
I don't know whether this or true or not. I'd like to believe it is since it's been 3 years and 4 months for me but my wife hasn't shown any signs of waking up and turning back.
I don't know if this is true for all LBSes but I know for me that it's become difficult to believe in a happy ending after passing the 3 year threshold.
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I don't know where I got the ILYBIANILWY, BD for me is the day Mr J left: 11 years and 14 days ago.
I've noticed that 3-3.5 years post-BD tends to be when a lot of them start to wake up and turn back toward home.
Not sure if that is so. That was what was thought when HS was a young site/forum. As the years went by, we start to realise many crisis last far more than 5 years. Even more than 7 seems normal.
It seems to be true that those who return around 3-3.5 and up until 5 years have a better change of reconcilation. Those with shorter and milder crisis seem to reconnect and reconcile more.
Other than that, as HS keeps going on, it looks more and more than many MLC are quite long.
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Actual BD was July 2011. 2009 was when things significantly shifted where there seemed to be an inevitable crash coming. Before that? Always warning signs, since prior to marriage, if I'm being honest. He cycled into depression frequently, with dissatisfaction in circumstances like job, his family, his spiritual life, and general direction in life never being far from the surface. The happy times were really happy and hopeful, but I can see now these were just cycles too. 2010 was when he was diagnosed bipolar and in taking our entire history into account, it's easier to just roll with that and feel confident he will cycle forever until he stays in treatment and decides to make his health a priority.
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My BD was 6/2014 and I am now divorced and have moved on with my life. That’s not to say it’s been easy or is easy even today. I believe my h was involved with OW ( EA) for at least 6-8 months before BD and PA came immediately after. I got the I’m not happy the day after our 29th wedding anniversary. He was working and living in another state and we were doing the weekend commutes for awhile. He met OW online as she lived 2500 miles away from him. I filed after a year of his ongoing affair and before he filed in the state he is currently working and living in. She moved there within 6 months of our divorce, leaving her children 19, 21 and 23 behind, sold her failing business and latched on to him. From what I can tell and from what our daughters ( 31, 29 and 27) share with me. They don’t
have much of a relationship with their dad at this point based on their own decisions and boundaries, but when they do see or talk to him he updates them. He and the OW bought a very expensive, 30 acre dump of a farm and are struggling to stay above water. My only concern is the permenant maintenance I receive and the upcoming weddings of our girls.
It’s been a brutally hard and sad journey, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But I am better. I work at a non profit making good money and basically overseeing all operations. This job came post BD. So for anyone who thinks their financial life is in ruins, think again. I am 56 years old and was a stay home mom for the majority of our marriage . I have fabulous benefits and great hours. My ex said his whole life was about taking care of everyone else and now it’s his turn. He always wanted a farm 😊
We have our first wedding in 6 months so the tension has heated up since our daughter told h that OW wasn’t welcomed.
He’s not the same man I knew, struggled tremendously throughout his MLC ,is a vanisher and never really monsters to me. He’s full of guilt and starting to express how hard everything is. So in a nut shell, we’re a pretty typical MLC couple dealing with a complete meltdown. I’d say 3.5 years post BD we are seeing more of the old him, but you can’t jump on it because he retreats.
I’ve been reading the stories this weekend and felt compelled to share. Please feel free to reach out if I can be of any help
Carol
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My BD will be 6 years in January.
I saw NO changes for almost 3 years then slowly he got better. S L O W L Y!
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Coming up on 6 months since BD.
Thinking back, H changed back in mid 2015. He was very moody and nit picky. I used to tell him that he was moodier than a woman on PMS. Just chalked it up to his job and all the stress he was under. Then last year his beloved dog died and that was extremely hard on him. Just after new year he had a suicide in his unit that he had to handle and it was his first experience with a death of someone he was trying to help. He took it hard and started thinking he could have done something more. He left for 6 weeks in late Feb. for work and he found out that he was being promoted. He seemed happy. By mid March he was in a panic over the promotion ceremony coming up, our big family gathering that his real M invited herself to (abandoned him and his B at age 8 ) our D graduating less than 2 weeks after that. The end of March H called me having panic attacks about a week and half before he was to return. He was freaked out about coming home. Little did I know in my quest to help him, he had just started an affair.
I found out May 6, after a month of questioning him on his strange behavior. I found the pictures on his phone of them both. He lied, lied and lied some more. It took me a month to put the whole puzzle together. Mid May there was yet another suicide in his new unit, less than two weeks after he started. This one was worse in that he was really trying his best to help this guy. He did see this man that night dead in his car. Messed my H up even more.
6 months later he has tried to come home once and that was only to try and cover his tracks for his impending 2 week vacation with OW in late August.
So, if we noticed changes way back, does that start the time of when they actually started their journey or is it BD? And if BD, why does the clock start then?
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My BD was a year and 8 months ago, soon to be a year and 9 months. The month of February 2016 had several BDs. He was in denial of EA but he was somewhat careless in covering his tracks. I found out that his EA had gone on for 2 years. He experienced the death of his cousin and also seems to be greatly affected by the death of my Mom. Only recently have I realized how much the loss of my mom affected him. There were other things. He seems a lot less depressed than he was prior to and during the BDs.
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SMS I have to say keeping track of the clock, ie., start of BD will only add to the madness. I came to understand that trying to continuously figure out when it all fell apart only added to my stress. It’s hard to fathom that we were unaware of their unhappiness and struggles and that we missed the signs. I’ve known my ex for 36 years and didn’t see it coming. I also think that we think if we can put our finger on the exact time of BD then he will recover sooner because the clock has been running. The only movement I’ve seen out of my ex was after I really let go. It not only allowed me to really start to heal and build authentic strength, not ‘pretend’ strength but it also seem to take the pressure off of him and allow for movement I knew once I filed and pushed the divorce thru ( 8 months) that it gave him the freedom to pursue what he thought he wanted. He has moved on with his life at an aggressively, breathtaking speed but I believe that’s because he’s still unhappy. The divorce didn’t make him happy, OW moving there hasn’t seemed to lift his spirits, the farm has definitely not made him happy. He tell him our daughters that it’s a lot more work and financial commitment then he thought it would be. She shipped her horses across country and they have no money for a barn so they have to pay to board . Really, just a complete sh*t show. So now we ( daughters and I) sit back and maintain our boundaries and keep living our lives, but not in a spiteful way. Do I want Karma bus to show up someday? Absolutely! But mostly because it’s SO obvious that this relationship stands very little chance of surviving, but I don’t say a word. Those days are years behind me.
So, from what I have read start of BD happens when it’s pretty obvious he wants out. Mine was restless and depressed for over a year before he said ‘I’m not happy’ and that came after a wonderful family weekend and the day after our anniversary. Never saw it coming. For me, that was a big part of my struggle.
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I think RCR is pretty spot on.
2 years is way too early to get through this.
RCR:
What stage is my MLCer in?
If your Bomb Drop was yesterday your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 6 months ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was a year ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 18 months ago, your MLCer is in Escape & Avoid.
If your Bomb Drop was 2 years ago your MLCer is probably in Escape & Avoid.
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Agreed Thunder! I remember thinking 2 years sounded way longer than I wanted to wait, and it’s been 3.5 and the movement is still very slow and inconsistent.
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My H wants me to let him go. He doesn’t think that we can ever move past this. He loves me, I do know that, but he has this Ow who I guess he thinks is firetrucking gold. I dunno. He is the knight in shining armor kind of guy. Our lives changed when we got stationed here and he started his new job. He’s tired and wants out, but he feels that he cannot quit or he will be a failure. His issues definitely. This will continue on, but I’m in it as long as I will continue to be allowed to. It’s all about the job right now. I’m not sure IF he decided to retire, that things would change or not. I’ve told him that I’d like to just lead a simple life.
I’ve been pondering if he does retire, if things would progress a bit faster or not.
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BD1 was August 2016. At the time I didn't realise this was MLC, but sure wish I'd found this forum back then. Not saying it would've changed anything but would've helped when dealing with BD2, which was Jan 29 2017. He moved out 5 weeks later.
As to where I am in LBS Stages, I'm all over the place. My mind wanders back to shock & denial but I'm mainly in bargaining and depression. I haven't had much Anger yet, but I'm sure it will come. Other times I have real clarity and am positive about the changes in my life. I'm slowly coming to the realisation that he is not going to come out if this for a very long time and I'm sure I don't want the old H back. Definitely not the one that existed the past 18months before BD...so I'm just watching from the sidelines to see if a new improved H evolves. Still doesn't help with the hurt I feel on a daily basis.
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BD was 22 months ago. Slapped those divorce papers on me (with OW's help of course - she printed out the matching internet version to the ones she was giving her soon to be ex) six weeks after he walked out the door. Divorce final 7 months later.
Became hubby number 5 to crazy lady in July of this year. They're building a new house on the 11 acres he purchased with the big fat check I had to give him to buy him out of our home. From the tiny town rumor mill I hear he's happier than he's ever been. ::) (and he'll also try to sell you a bridge in Arizona!)
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BD for me will be 23 months in the middle of November, so we are approaching the 2 year mark.
I cycle. I put that I was in acceptance, but I cycle. I've mainly accepted, but I still have struggle with being angry, disgusted, and I still grieve. I definitely cycle, but I feel that I am mainly in acceptance.
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I wonder how long it took most of us to find this site? Took me well over a year. Would have helped me to find it earlier, even if it changed nothing in what happened
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BD was over six years ago - almost seven. I found this site within the first month.
I also found RMM at the same time.
I am sure both sites helped me immensely as I have a strong rational (need to know) side to me with a firm faith in God.
Totally convinced that nothing would have changed what happened - just more serenity for me.
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BD for me was july 16, 2015..he met this OW in may of 2015 and he was already "in love" with her and had to be with her.. so I am at the 2.5 year mark now..
He has been living a full and open life with OW for 2 years now, friends know and have accepted, His family and her family know and are accepting of it.. everyone knows that we are not divorced which makes it that much harder for me..there are times I feel like I am the butt of their inside joke..
I found this site a few months ago, so I had already made every mistake in the book, would finding this site earlier made a difference ? I will never know..
Do I feel in my heart that my marriage is completely over? yes
Do I want a divorce ? no
why do I not want a divorce? my vows said til death do us part
Do I feel my H will at some point say he wants a divorce? yes
I can say that I am still all over the place, I cycle like crazy and I cry everyday.. yes, 2.5 years later I still cry everyday.. the pain of what my H has done is that deep and I do not believe that I will ever heal from it. I loved him that much and still do...
My life now is basically living one day at a time. I have family and friends, and they fill the days.. but there is an emptiness in me..I do have times of happiness, I do laugh, I am in good health, I am ok financially... but I know I will never be in a relationship again. I gave my heart to my H and it really doesn't matter if he doesn't want it, it is still his...
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Let's see...
BD1 Aug 2015 so more than 2 years ago
Atomic BD - 13 December 2015 so less than 2 years ago.....
Changes started WAY before that though... March/April 2015 if not earlier...
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UM, I think they all start earlier than the actual bd date.
I guess it's the denial and anger stage. Their confused and unhappy and looking for reasons...then the find YOU and bd happens.
I saw my H changing for about a year before bd.
Treasur, I found another site a few months after bd but it closed down and I found this one about a year after bd.
Both good sites and they helped me understand what was going on.
No, it doesn't change anything but at least you don't feel so alone.
Waiting, I feel the same way. If my XH and I broke it off I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I'd just stay single and on my own.
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Waiting was like you wrote. My post for me in exactly same way and same time frame x
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I know we are not supposed to analyze everything, but why do we start the clock at BD? H really took a nose dive into the MLC pool in March when he bedded OW, but he was emotionally freaking out 2 weeks before IT was ever in the picture.
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BD was June 2015. H moved out oct 2015. He left right after 28 year anniversary. I haven't seen any movement. He is still proceeding with divorce. It's been about 2.5 years. He still monsters by email every once in a while. I let go right away. I don't let him know that anything about me. He picks up and drops off daughter. Never looks my way. He has know interest in me at all.
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UM, I think they all start earlier than the actual bd date.
They do. BD is not the beginnig of MLC, just when we may become aware of it, or more aware something is not right.
MLC can start way before BD. For Mr J, I think it started around June 2005.
Treasur, there was no HS when BD happened to me and to several others.
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I guess that's a reminder, Anjae, how lucky we are that this site exists. It hasn't saved my M or my H, but it has saved my sanity more than once.
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Just wanted to give all of us a bit of validation really.
Reading stories here, and thinking about my own situation, it has been an avalanche of change. Most of us have had virtually every bit of our lives turned upside down. Most of us have had life challenges on top of our spouse's behaviour. And MLC adds to the chaos and craziness that we try to navigate through or around. I can't think of one bit of my life or beliefs that has not been under attack or blown up.
And yet, here we all are...supporting strangers and fighting for all the good stuff of life.
If you're having a bad day today....you are amazing and tomorrow is a new day
If you're having an ok day today...you are amazing and ok is good enough
If you're having a good day today...you are amazing and you deserve it.
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Just wanted to give all of us a bit of validation really.
Reading stories here, and thinking about my own situation, it has been an avalanche of change. Most of us have had virtually every bit of our lives turned upside down. Most of us have had life challenges on top of our spouse's behaviour. And MLC adds to the chaos and craziness that we try to navigate through or around. I can't think of one bit of my life or beliefs that has not been under attack or blown up.
And yet, here we all are...supporting strangers and fighting for all the good stuff of life.
If you're having a bad day today....you are amazing and tomorrow is a new day
If you're having an ok day today...you are amazing and ok is good enough
If you're having a good day today...you are amazing and you deserve it.
8)
Thank you for these kind words, Treasur. (((HUGS)))
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Treasur,
YOU are AMAZING. I hope you know and feel that way!!
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Just wanted to give all of us a bit of validation really.
Reading stories here, and thinking about my own situation, it has been an avalanche of change. Most of us have had virtually every bit of our lives turned upside down. Most of us have had life challenges on top of our spouse's behaviour. And MLC adds to the chaos and craziness that we try to navigate through or around. I can't think of one bit of my life or beliefs that has not been under attack or blown up.
And yet, here we all are...supporting strangers and fighting for all the good stuff of life.
If you're having a bad day today....you are amazing and tomorrow is a new day
If you're having an ok day today...you are amazing and ok is good enough
If you're having a good day today...you are amazing and you deserve it.
Thank you. Awesome message.
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Thanks, Treasur.
It's an okay day for me and you are right - I am amazing and today okay is good enough!
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Thanks Treasur, bad day today but your post was wonderful and tomorrow is another day. Love and hugs to you X
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Am 3 yrs from BD. BD Nov 14 said I can’t do this but couldn’t say what but had been depressed and I had an idea there was something in August. Atomic BD 14 Dec 14 when needed space and left! Didn’t see it coming after 27yrs. confirmed ow 27 Dec 14. EA since Aug 14 turned physical. Cycles between escape and avoid including from his kids to severe cake eater with 10 underdone returns but new phase at the minute is complete vanisher and he has filed for divorce. Although have not yet had a reply to my solicitor letter in nearly 5 wks. Nothing!! Kids have had 2 texts in 4 mths.
I cycle but I seem to be angry at present and want to punch his face and give him piece my mind. I cry less. Am 50 in a week sat and he will be nowhere to be seen. I seem to dream about him most nights which I find weird. X
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I know this was a long time ago but wanted to say how great this is Treasur.
Just wanted to give all of us a bit of validation really.
Reading stories here, and thinking about my own situation, it has been an avalanche of change. Most of us have had virtually every bit of our lives turned upside down. Most of us have had life challenges on top of our spouse's behaviour. And MLC adds to the chaos and craziness that we try to navigate through or around. I can't think of one bit of my life or beliefs that has not been under attack or blown up.
And yet, here we all are...supporting strangers and fighting for all the good stuff of life.
If you're having a bad day today....you are amazing and tomorrow is a new day
If you're having an ok day today...you are amazing and ok is good enough
If you're having a good day today...you are amazing and you deserve it.
And:
Treasur,
YOU are AMAZING. I hope you know and feel that way!!
Also loved this!
Rose 🌹
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That is so good rose, it needs to be on a newbie thread of some sort. Treasur is spot on.
I read my own post above and it is 18 mths ago and the change in me from that post is amazing. I’m glad I read it. To see how far I have come. Xx
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My BD was October 2016. I'm counting the days until the 3-year mark.
And thank you for the shout Treasur - it was priceless!
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Bomb drop November 15th 2011, total vanisher with no contact. Lives with the OM and my daughters a mile away. I was told recently by a mutual friend who bumped into her shopping that she’s acting like a teenager so I think she’s evolved into a long term Zombiecriser.
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Thank you so much Treasur x
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Oooh, how funny to see this bumped up...
Hmmm, 4 years now
The LBS stages...idk...
Shock
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
Rear View Mirror
I am pretty much at the Acceptance/rear view mirror stages I think. Not a linear process, not even close. So for instance, real acceptance took me about maybe 3 years and it brought up more anger and grief really. And shock lasted for an extraordinary long time. But also then with acceptance a sense of edging towards it being behind me rather than around me.
The rear view mirror stage brought a kind of peace and forgiveness and less need for the karma bus which is nice. It also brought a feeling of there being no place in my life for xh, even in my head, whilst a small bit of h and my m is tucked away as a nice thing to have had.
As RP says though, my word I have come a long way :)
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Gosh enough time since my previous post to update my stages, I think.
Me, the LBS:
Shock
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
Rear View Mirror
Not totally over H yet but no longer miss him or desire him. This is a recent feeling.
H, MLCer:
At BD, high replayer, looking good, in great shape, lovely clothes, traveling between 3 cities continuously.
Uncaring, no feelings for me, and yet would come by often, bring me back a pizza, bought me flowers one Saturday morning.
Then got worse. Kept doing things to make it more hurtful for me and the kids such as bringing OW to my village and parading around with her. Disappeared for months.
High Replay for a good 2.5 years, then had a big fight with OW and told his L she was crazy, was an impulsive shopper, and had a stupid job. Came closer to me.
Then got worse. Disappeared again and after a terrible scene in the street, H and OW sued me and D22 for battery.
Disappeared again.
This past year: H much quieter, ugly, old, worn out looking, dressed terribly, a little tummy, huge financial problems, no money for Replay spending but still hanging on to Replay as long as he can.
I think it's a good idea to list the stages in both. It was good for me to see how I've progressed.
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Almost 6 years. No contact anymore. Still with OW. I am creating a new life, but sad at how he threw away all that we had built. Once in awhile I hear about him and it appears he is still making excuses for his bad behavior.
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I'm not sure where I'm at in the LBS stages. I know I'm not completely at acceptance but I'm not really angry either. Whatever would be before acceptance I guess?
Atomic BD was 2.5 years back but I really got the divorce talk three years ago because the affair had just started. Since xh married the ow, I'm not standing anymore but am hesitant to get into any relationship because I still have feelings for him. I hope they lessen significantly this year.
The x still contacts me every day and I respond sporadically but only by text as monster always rears his head on the phone. He's still on a downward spiral financially I know because I get calls and emails (old shared email) for missed mortgage payments, late fees on ccs, etc. He still states he loves me and has never lost feelings for me while being married to someone else. ::) These words hold no meaning to me anymore because I know they're only said with the intent to use me in some way in the future. The worst thing he did other than starting the affair was to try and convince me to "invest" in a rental home with him and his brother. Which now I know was really a house he was trying to buy so I could stay in one and ow could stay in the other. He was even looking at properties in the same NEIGHBORHOOD, ACROSS THE STREET EVEN. Sick in the head. Although he is in crisis, he did not lose the ability to be manipulative or calculating in getting what he wants. Deranged individual. Will stoop to any level to achieve a goal.
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A really interesting thread and going to bump it up by adding my timeline:
BD 0.5 5 years ago - W avoided the tunnel and began high replay. W kissed another man.
BD 1 - Nearly 2 years ago - W went in to tunnel, some monstering/blaming brief return PA1
BD2 - 15 months ago - W fully in to MLC, monstering, blaming and fully on the rollercoaster PA2
The intensity and 'seriousness' (in her head) of these relationships has increased over the years
Interestingly the last 5 years have been played out in some interesting ways by W. Firstly she has got many tattoos in this time, with the size and frequency increasing as replay intensified, these images and texts have indicated her fight to avoid the tunnel and then her giving in to it, so moving from family orientated ones gradually to immature and party life style images.
Secondly my W kept secret lists of complaints she had about me, as she avoided any conflict her whole life she never told me of these lists until BD1 and I saw a second list BD2, which she showed me whilst monstering, these lists equally show her moving completely away from logic and balance towards really quite insane beliefs. I found it very illuminating to see these records in retrospect as I had no idea where her head was at even after BD1, she can lie very convincingly it seems and I used to want to believe she had woken up to the damage she has wrought.
W self harming also showed increasing intensity as she fought cognitive dissonance of facing her actions. Starting with pinching herself to leave bruises to hitting herself and eventually to cutting. Seeing her in this state has been very hard as we still share a house with our four children.
In terms of my stage as an LBS - I have found that each BD has increased my speed through the stages. This time round I have moved through anger much more quickly, reaching a state of indifference about my m and W, concerned really only about the impact on my children. I thought acceptance would feel less painful than the previous stages, it is calmer, but still awfully sad when I think of the kids.
Currently my W has agreed to leave the family home in July this year as I have decided to uphold my initial boundary which was that I would not continue to stand whilst she still met up with OM, even if she can be believed that it is just as friends! I feel guilt about the split impacting on my kids, but feel like my self image cannot withstand this constant battering and I have to protect myself in order to be a proper Dad for my kids.
As so many have said its a roller coaster and I still have triggers for anger and sadness, but on the whole am indifferent.
W is dragging her heels in pursuing the financial arrangements required for us to split in the summer. I am unsure if I should push her on this as I want to have all the details worked out for when we tell the children, so they have some security by knowing the logistics. I know this will bring on the monster, who has been absent for 3 or 4 months and concerned that this may lead to W self harming again.
Any advice welcome!
LW
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Link here https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2625.0 to a series of discussion threads about LBS stages which might be helpful. Tbh I increasingly think that rather than stage-speculating about the MLC process, it is maybe more useful to be aware of the stages in the LBS process as that it something we can do things about. Jmo.