Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on March 27, 2011, 01:42:52 PM
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It would be nice to have others share their experience regarding this topic.
For myself, I have had the hardest time with this one; because I just don't understand how someone can do this to their spouse, and just shut us out of their lives.
I have found this is one of the most painful aspects of MLC for me to deal with; especially when our spouse has been our best friend.
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Me too......mine still wants contact and as far as I know no OW.....but he just walked out the door...no warning....nothing. Says he does not know what he wants.....just needs time and space. I asked him Friday to quit calling and texting me for a few weeks.....so I could get myself together and try to detach......because it is driving me crazy. He did not understand why I requested that.....said ok...then started in yesterday texting, calling. I turned my phone off.....nothing today....
The pain , anxiety is horrific. Know you are not alone!!!!!
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He doesn't understand because it's all about him during the crisis.
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They feel NUMB.... and at the same time, they have a COMPULSION to do things.... as if their Evil Twin is in charge. Sometimes they KNOW what they are doing is wrong, but can't stop - like an addict - and other times they have no comprehension of the consequences to everyone else or even themselves... they are VERY confused. Wait 'til your husband can't remember simple things and you'll see. It's sad.
Depression causes people to be very self-centered and single minded about getting their needs met. That's why the clingers won't leave you alone.... they need constant reassurance. I'ts not personal, though. Just take care of yourself and be kind to your MLCer at the same time.
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It is the strangest thing. My husband only communicates through our daughter, but she's only 2! He literally says, "can you hand that to mommy?", "say hi to mommy", "say bye to mommy". That's it. Sometimes he doesn't even look at me when we're transferring our D. He just says hi to her and ignores me. He literally walked around the back of his car instead of the front in order to avoid me yesterday. He'll have left the house when he could have just told me something in person and he gets down the road and sends me a text message. It's so sad. We were best friends who talked about everything and now he's just not capable of it right now.
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I know exactly how Tsunami feels and what she means. My exH was in touch with me a lot at first and we even went out to eat a few times (we were separated). He seemed so different......I could tell something wasn't right (didn't know it was MLC) but as the months passed he became more and more distant. Didn't want any contact. I had discovered the OW 3 weeks after he left me but I was determined not to let her "win". I felt like she was controlling him.........at the time........because of some of the things he said to me. Well, here I am 17 months since BD and almost 6 months divorced. My exH has shut down and I've let go..........I don't initiate ANY contact with him. I feel like I don't exist or matter to him at all. I struggle with this a lot because I can't understand how he can just not care..........he has no feelings for me and it hurts. I don't know which is worse.........having the MLC around or not having them at all. Either way, I know it's hard for all of us.
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Even though my H has always had issues with emotional attachment, he was present physically. So, for me, the loneliness is overwhelming. Even though H was emotionally distant, we still did most everything together.
Society is so couple oriented and I get sad when I am out to eat with my children without H - brings back lots of memories of when the 4 of us were together. Ditto for church most Sundays, get togethers with my side of the family, even the mundane times of just "being" here at home. Nights are even worse and sometimes sleep does not come easily. I always slept on H's shoulder or in his arms.
I would add to your original question, " How can our spouses just ignore their children, as well?" Our MLCers shut out their children as well as us. It is as if we are their old life and are no longer needed now that they have started a new one.
This topic really brings to light how out of their right minds our spouses truly are.
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For myself, I have had the hardest time with this one; because I just don't understand how someone can do this to their spouse, and just shut us out of their lives.
While within a fog that is so deep they have no compass to guide them; all things are shut out of their lives; and feelings that were once so strong, are buried deep within them.
This is an aspect; I have never really understood, although I experienced this, too, when I was in transition...it was like the feelings I had were "getting in the way" of my growth while in transition; and this is probably the most understanding I will ever be able to give; this is one of the unanswered questions that I had to let go of; because it was beyond my own understanding.
This is all I know; it is one of the aspects of the crisis/transition that must be outlasted and overcome by both the MLC'er and the LBS; if the marriage is meant to rebuild into a new one.
The "old" feelings don't contain the knowledge of what love really entails; this is another thing I know; as the resolving of the crisis means they learn to love in a way that was unknown to them, before; but they learn of sacrificial love; and aspects that are new to them; and they gain a better understanding of what love actually means; so, it would seem the "old" feelings would be overhauled to become "new" feelings.
This is but part of the emotional "overhaul" they go through to become a new person, IF they allow the crisis work within them; and go through the process to the end.
The "old" feelings, right along with the "old" person must go; everything changes within; and becomes new; again, IF they allow the crisis to work on them, and go through the process to the end.
But until that emotional overhaul begins to happen; their feelings are buried deep within; and they shut out, their spouse, their children, and their extended family; PLUS, any friends they had before the crisis...these are all part of the "old" life..but the reconnection, when/if it happens; begins with the friends, the extended family and the children FIRST(not necessarily in that order)...the LBS is always last in line; although having been first in being disconnected from.
I saw so many positive changes in my husband's feelings; and in his love for me; it is NOT simply words, now; it is balanced within his actions designed to make me FEEL loved by him; and he knows what love is all about, now, whereas he did not beforehand.
I hope this helps; the crisis is an emotional one, a hard battle that involves the light and dark sides of the person going through; and it will mostly be the NEGATIVE side of them that's seen during the deepest times in the tunnel.
It is HARDER to be positive, than it is to be negative; but the negative must be balanced with the positive, as the process of the crisis brings their emotions into a true balance; something they hadn't been able to accomplish beforehand.
They were either hot or cold; and had never been shaken or mixed together for lack of a better word.
It is similar to emptying a bottle of one chemical; and refilling it with a mix of two or more chemicals; plus a measure of the original chemical, that creates a better balance within. It involves complete change; although some of the "old" may stay; but not much of it.
Dang, after all that; I'm starting to understand this more. :) Hindsight is still working its "magic" on me. LOL!!
But, even IF you can get your head completely around this concept; what can you DO about it? That's right, NOTHING; so you get to work on yourself; and leave them to twist, right along with their shut down emotional health, way out in the wind.
That's what I had to do; let him go, and let God work on him; while I worked on ME; and trusted Him for the outcome; however, it would go. :)
I hope this helps. :)
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One of the main aspects of my h.'s crisis is that he says his feelings for me are gone, in fact he has rhetorically put the question to me - Where are the feelings? How can they just disappear? and then he follows his twisted reasoning to say that feelings are out of one's control or maybe he never loved me, never desired me...
I realize that there is nothing I can say to refute his line of thought, but at BD, one of the things he said was that he needed time away, alone just so that he could work through things - he needed to find out, away from me and the marriage (and I suppose the kids - however, he never verbalized that) if he could 'live' alone - so I believe he was saying more or less what HB says here it was like the feelings I had were "getting in the way" of my growth while in transition;
. I was told not to 'pressure' him with crying and making demands for his presence and in his words 'to act like an adult', which I interpreted as not being emotional in his presence.
I also find that although he is kind towards the kids and affectionate most of the little time he is with them, he will not put himself out for them, thinking nothing of spending the whole weekends away from them as if they did not care about his presence. He seems to think that if he gives them some cash for going out with their friends, they will be fine! and, he is doing his job, I suppose :-\
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Mitzpah, My H says almost the same thing. That he lost those feelings for me and doesn't think they will come back. He says he doesn't understand why..but doesn't care about anybody sometimes.
My H too said at BD that he needed space , time away, alone. I didn't know at the time that meant instead Ow, no time alone, transferring his feeling for me to her. It's just part of the MLC horror. I hate it!!!!!
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Hello:
The distancing is so hard to accept, and is so much the same with my H. Each time I would ask him how he felt about me (I no longer do this), he would say "I don't know, or I don't love you or I don't know what love is". When I would ask about if he wanted to to remain married or work on building a new, better relationship, he would say "I can't see that". I was always confused with that answer. Maybe you can't "see" it, but do you want it? He could never answer that question.
I realize he doesn't have the ability to "see" it, and does not know what he wants. They are numb. I really see and feel that my H is lost. I do experience flashes of insight from him, and I think they are aware (at times) of their levels of confusion. It's just such a huge gear shift for them, it is as shocking to them (I believe) as it is to us. I think that everyone has different reasons for how they approach the confusion that is directly correlated to how they approach conflict and stress in general. M H just prefers to avoid conflict at any cost, he would rather retreat to a cave. Honestly, he said that to me once. It just seems to feel like it will be easier if they don't have to "deal" with anyone. Does my H want to be a hermit? Sometimes I think he does. Overall, I think he just wants to get rid of the pain and isn't ready or able to do the work that is necessary to resolve the pain. He will have to at some point. That is the struggle of MLC. Accepting the pain, and doing the work to come out on the other side. Avoidance isn't working for them anymore (even if it did for many years). They can't understand why all the previous "tools" they used to avoid issues don't work anymore. They don't want to look for new tools, or they are too scared or too confused.
My H is and has been conflict avoidant (I also think many men are by nature, less tolerant of emotional issues and challenges). He refers to feeling like I am a tsunami when I have attempted to try and understand what he is dealing with. He has even less tolerance for any emotional issues/conversation. This seems to be true for most MLCer's.
The emotional distance (as best as I can tell) is a safety thing. They are confused, scared and not understanding all the changes happening and it is easier to project that confusion onto the LBS. So, if the LBS is the reason for all the upheaval, then distancing from them will be the cure.
Not so, but they don't know that. I read in Jed Diamond's book on Irritable Male Syndrome that many men experience what is like a "emotional sunburn". They are in a lot of pain, but you can't always see it. The LBS attempts to connect to the man and he flinches in pain and withdraws to avoid more pain. Until their "sunburns" heal and they have their new "skin", they will retreat from that which makes them feel sunburned. In other words, they retreat from us because they think we are "burning" them with our care, concern, love and attention. It's nuts, that's for sure, but MLC is a monster depression, and it really challenges the best in anyone.
I just keep believing that this isn't permanent (as HB and Stayed and many others have said). I know that some get stuck, and I also see that this crisis can last many years. RCR was dealing with this for over 4 years, I believe. I guess I see it as their second adolescence. It's just hard to deal with a 49 year old teenager (in my case).
Progress does happen. I will share some of what I am experiencing on my new thread. I just don't have time right now to do it here.
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Wow, thanks Sub! Just what I've been thining about tonight. My h has also been a conflict avoider and never let me in, truly be part of his life. Thanks for sharing!
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. I was told not to 'pressure' him with crying and making demands for his presence and in his words 'to act like an adult', which I interpreted as not being emotional in his presence.
That's because they are NOT able to handle the emotions of the LBS; not in the state of mind they are in. Any show of emotion, puts pressure on them; because they see the expectations of the LBS for something they cannot give; and it causes them to run farther away.
My husband pushed me for what I couldn't give him at that time; and I turned on him; he didn't understand; but he had done the SAME thing when I was on the receiving end...that wasn't why I did it; there was so much emptiness within me; and I was having a hard time with the fact that the feelings I had once had for him were gone; and even I didn't understand where they had gone; they were just GONE.
There is always a tearing down; before a rebuilding; and this is true of every MLC'er whose gone through a crisis; or one who has gone through a transition.
There is disintegration, before there's reintegration.
It's all part of the growing process; and it's confusing; even when you know why it's happening; yet, all I had learned before, actually fled my memory, and my mind.
Just like all who'd gone before, I was even torn down and rebuilt from scratch in an emotional way.
The person who came out of the fire of the transition; was different from the person who'd experienced her husband's MLC; and there was more added to me in the way of emotional strength; and the strengthening of the lessons learned.
But, I had allowed the process to work on me; that much I knew/remembered; the more quickly I faced the issues/aspects; the faster I would come through...but I had so many to look at, plus I went through Menopause first; it took me a long time to come through.
My feelings returned; in time, but they were/are much different; much easier to handle; as I had learned that love was patient, kind, at times, sacrificial; unconditional; steadfast, and at times, tough to enforce my boundaries.
One other aspect of mine; and this might have a bearing on the discussion; I not only experienced an emotional shutdown; very early in the transition, but I ALSO experienced a total shutdown of every GIFT I carried within myself; and I KNEW when these were "cut off" for lack of a better word.
I grieved for what seemed to be losses; I felt so empty...and ALL seemed to have gone for what I initially thought was forever.
The Lord explained that in the emotional/mental state I was in; I could NOT handle one thing more than myself for the time that I would be in the transition.
It seemed the hardest gift to do without was my Empathy; I was completely "alone" for the first time in my life; there was no emotional overtones that I normally would have experienced in my dealings, comings and goings with people... I could feel NOTHING from anyone; and I resorted to body language and guess work....
The gifts reopened in the 5th year of my transition; right along with my feelings; and I could feel a difference. My feelings for my husband, and other people, returned, first; and when I adjusted, the gifts I had carried before the transition; began to return; one at a time; and once I adjusted, another returned, then the process repeated; taking over a year to complete; and I found a few things added; but each original gift was strengthened; stronger than before...and I could handle these things again.
I experienced broken and faded memories afterward; and if my husband had done what he was supposed to have done to begin with; I would still be in that state, even now...but it didn't happen that way. :)
I know the aspects of my transition were somewhat different; but the "emptying" out of everything; leaving an empty shell to be refilled at a later time; that I experienced, may be a helpful experience to all of you within this discussion. :)