Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bluerose on February 10, 2018, 04:32:09 AM
-
When i started this thread i felt like i was alone on here. There was always talk about clingers and those who never left. I want to thank all of you with vanishers and low contact for joining in on this discussion and for letting see that i wasnt alone. Thank you.
-
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9644.msg635349#msg635349
Old thread
Thanks for starting a new thread bluerose.
Attaching to your new thread x
-
Thank you RP. I still dont know how to do that. Lol!
-
Thank you bluerose for keeping our vanisher/low contact club going. :)
For me, it's been very quiet in vanisher land, I haven't heard a peep since the week before Christmas when he wanted our son's girlfriend's last name for a gift.
You would think since she attended his wedding, my son and his gf have together for over two years and they now share an apartment, that the Leaver would know her full name. ::)
Anyways, this is hands-down my favorite thread.
I wonder why no one has made a clinger or a wallower thread yet.
-
Thanks BR, for getting us started on the next installment of "vanishers/hiders are us"!
I've heard nothing from mine since December 13th when my security system caught him in the back yard and I sent a text letting him know he'd been seen where he didn't have permission to be.
But of course, I still have lots of his "stuff" on the property, as well as the giant pole building that he insists he's going to dismantle and take with him. That means he's going to have to run the risk of seeing me to get all this done. ;)
My MLer stays pretty much on the down low around this tiny town. His new wife, however, is out and about flaunting her new surname. ::)
-
I've heard nothing from mine since December 13th when my security system caught him in the back yard and I sent a text letting him know he'd been seen where he didn't have permission to be.
OMG, SB, believe me, I know this MLC crap is painful but I can't but laugh at your MLCer and his stupid Mrs.
I picture him creeping in your backyard like a burglar from the old Batman TV show and then running once the lights and alarms go off. ;D ;D ;D
-
I picture him creeping in your backyard like a burglar from the old Batman TV show and then running once the lights and alarms go off. ;D ;D ;D
I just busted out with a huge belly laugh! Thanks for that! I've done way too much crying over all this MLC stuff. It's always good to have a well deserved laugh when the MLer and the Mrs. provide the material. ;D
-
Your both very welcome. I have not seen or heard from the coward since our last court appearance for his divorce. I think that was in August of last year. We did have the parenting time assessments and i did catch a glimpse of him walking into the building for that in either october or november. The court did receive the counselor summary of that in December and i think he has to file to get a court date to see if he can start having d13 on the weekends. My lawyer told me about 2 weeks ago that we have no court dates coming up and i have heard nothing. Thst scares me. I feel like im just sitting here waiting to be pounced on. Hopefully, he just maybe decided to drop the whole thing but i doubt it. So, i guess we will see.
-
My favourite thread as well.
I have not heard from my vanisher since he threw a temper tantrum in early Janaury bc i wouldn't veer from the SA and give him 30 k for his new shiny life.
Whatever. His loss
-
Not heard since August and he doesn’t reply to anything and only odd text to kids but now no tel no apparently.
I caught a glimpse of him in the dark when he tried to sneak xmas presents in the porch at gone midnight xmas morn but as I had changed the locks he had tantrum and put them through the letter box. Ow was in waiting car with engine running and by time I got to front door he must of run across road and sped off!! H left presents on porch door handle. Sneak them in like Santa but no suit! Xx
-
Thank you bluerose for keeping our vanisher/low contact club going. :)
For me, it's been very quiet in vanisher land, I haven't heard a peep since the week before Christmas when he wanted our son's girlfriend's last name for a gift.
You would think since she attended his wedding, my son and his gf have together for over two years and they now share an apartment, that the Leaver would know her full name. ::)
Anyways, this is hands-down my favorite thread.
I wonder why no one has made a clinger or a wallower thread yet.
I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...
-
I put this question on my thread today but I don’t have too many on
My thread and wanted to get advice from as many as possible plus this thread is really helpful. I think when you do have a vanisher it is a different way but the same MLC goes on.
So I do have a question and would like some advice. After talking to h - it was made clear that h would be staying in his R and that he is happy with that. H is upset about his relationship with the kids and blames them for not working at it even though h barely contacts them. H missed me as a friend and will now respond back and forth with me - none initiated by h. H will not be around me as he doesn’t want OW to leave so she is his priority now. All of that he told me. I do not have a problem initiating contact daily with light hearted subjects or news. I’m trying to keep communication open as over the last 5 months he has been a vanisher to his family and I think it was comfortable for him as he was in that relationship more and more with less and less interest in coming out plus h could blame everyone else for not keeping in contact. To be honest, I am not sure h will ever come back as he is so into this R it seems hopeless to me. However, it has given me the incentive to do all the GAL I can and hope for something good to happen for me in the future as right now h is not there for me. My question is what do you think of light hearted contact with news iof family etc if it doesn’t bother me? Should I do it in the hopes of h having a road home and keeping his interest in the family he has been running from? Hugs: IF
-
If,
I don’t know about others but for me it makes no difference whether I keep him informed or not as ow takes priority no matter if I keep him informed or not.
Tbh keeping him informed and trying to get him to have a relationship with his children only caused more heart ache for my children when ow took priority over them and he let them down.
To me it sounds and I cud be wrong but cake eating springs to mind. He has his ow and his wife as his friend on a daily basis.
Will this be beneficial for you? It will for him but you need to do what’s right for you.
You can still leave a road home without daily contact.
My h is in teenage mode if the kids don’t contact me, why should I bother! My children don’t contact him as they get no reply while ow about and he let them down constantly.
Also and again this is just my opinion from my own experience, it is not my job to build the bridge between my h and his children. I have tried and if and when it backfires I am to blame.
You must do what you feel is right but at the same time listen to your heart but take your head with you . Xx
-
I do believe you are right RP- I don’t think it is right if I do keep him updated on the kids because then it gives him less reason to contact them and I do know it can blow up on me very quickly. If I lost the kids over this - H is not worth it. He has made his priority clear and I did notice that he lets it slide with the kids because of her. So what do I do? I’m so confused - after many years together do I go silent? Is that what it comes to ? Don’t talk to a person who has been in my life for so long? It seems wrong to walk away. Yet if I don’t initiate contact - h is gone and most likely never to contact or care. I have to make the decision soon as if I stop initiating I see no future contact. This could be the last time to keep contact up and if I don’t - I doubt if he will respond - 6 months down the road as I think he wants to be a vanisher with us all - and once that totally happens - I think he will never return from the choice he made as he will always think he did the right thing. In my heart I think I am being too nice - h won’t care about the hurt im my lifetime anyways. Hugs: IF
-
And yes I speak from fear of losing h altogether even though it feels like he has left - i am trying to hold on to a piece of him, sadly and I’m sure this may go against my self respect!
-
I think most on this thread have had a cake eater for a couple of yrs and tried to keep some form of contact to have our h in our lives but they have still vanished. Tbh I don’t think it will make much difference as if he wants to vanish he will. After 30 yrs I want nothing more than my h to text or ring and ask anything. Even an up yours would be something but ow has put her foot down and that’s it.
I have found that even with contact from us they don’t respond and vanish if they want to any way. I am in no contact not by choice but have now succumbed to not reaching out with any info as no response hurts me.
I have to face the fact that I may never see his face or hear his voice again and neither may our children. I cannot force him to contact us or respond. Trying to, gets me blocked and further away.
If you wish to keep contact, I personally would not do daily and in time you will either be ok with that or you may find the total lack of response or caring will result in you walking away and accepting you will never see or speak to him again. Only time will tell how much you and your children can with stand.
Hugs. Xx
-
Thanks again - my kids are adult- they still struggle with it but I don’t know if they know they won’t have him in their lives. They think since they are not responding to his once in a while contact that he must miss them but I can tell he is not really going to make an effort to see them and he lives away from them. So I don’t talk about that to them but I’m sure they will see once they are ready to connect with him. I know everyone probably fought for hat connection ini the beginning and still ended with a vanisher. I see that this will most likely happen to me. So, other than GAL is there one thing I can do to shake this MLC up before it is too late - most likely too late now. Is there something you wished you would have done in the beginning before your vanisher did vanish ? If there was something I could do to shake it up I would do it as this seems to be where I am headed to vanish land at this time. Hugs: IF
-
I asked my father the other week if he regretted leaving my mother at the age of 47 for an ow.
He married ow and is still with her 35 yrs later. My sister and I tolerate her and my dad even now stills try’s to make us love her. ( have you rung ****, have you said thank you to ****.
Both my sister and I let our children call her granny and she did help raise my children while I was at work when they were younger but has discarded them now her own children have children.
My sister and I do not call her children brother or sister and although my dad calls her children aunty and uncle to our kids, our kids don’t call them aunty and uncle..
My dad vanished from my mums life, he did return once but ow claimed him in the middle of the night. My mum moved on and got a boyfriend and my dad said he wouldn’t have her back now!! My said said he wasn’t welcome back any way
His relationship with ow has not been a happy one and they get at each other all the time when in each other’s company but mainly avoid each other.
So back to did my dad regret it? The only answer I got was “ I made the decision and had to live with it!” I think that could possibly be a yes I do. Xx
-
I’m so sorry you are going through this if.
Tbh if I could change one thinkg, I would have detached at the beginning and let him get on with it. There is no magic thing to shake it up I’m afraid. Even if you try a mlcer will normally turn it against you. You are being unreasonable or you are harassing or you didn’t listen.
Their minds are such that you are the reason for their life being in such a mess.
Although I am quite far into mlc land, I am not a hero member or mentor.
Perhaps pm your mentor as they are a godsend and barbie is excellant. Xx
Xx
-
If, I tried and tried until I was blue in the face to keep the connection going in the early days. It didnt matter. Nothing i did worked and tbh, he lost his connection to me long before he decided to leave. He has always been a vanisher and we have no contact.
Question, would any of your friends treat you the way your h does?
Leave him to it. Put the focus on you. I know it is hard. I still struggle with it but you have to try.
-
I read all your threads TYKS!! It is so hard for me to let him
Go! I keep thinking if I could get him to have interest in the normal things he used to like then he would wake up and realize he is not acting right. But I can’t seem to get interest from him - he answers things but never asks about me or the family - it’s painful and I don’t want to let him go but I think I’m doing more harm than good with him and any hope for reconciliation in the future - let alone my self respect! And if a friend treated me like this - they would not be a friend of mine! But then I think I shouldn’t give up because it seems like h Is mentally ill and I have to be there for him for when he wakes up. But I see h in all your h’s and feel hopeless that he will return. This is so hard. Why wouldn’t he want to know how I am doing?
RP - Yes my mentor is great but these are my thoughts today! I’m
Sure she will see them and tell me to detach! Hugs: IF
-
If, this is your journey as much as it is your husbands.
You cannot control his journey but you can control yours.
We learn from others on hs that have been on here longer but the young don’t always does what they are told and I mean that in length of time on hs. I have been advised and guided but done the complete opposite and that’s ok as I learnt from it just as you will.
When h vanished 6 mths ago, my friend who has been through this journey said will you finally listen to me. I replied yes, yes I will.
All our journeys are virtually the same but not quite so what will work for one may not work for another and your will find your own path with some help and guidance along the way. Xx
-
Thank you bluerose for keeping our vanisher/low contact club going. :)
For me, it's been very quiet in vanisher land, I haven't heard a peep since the week before Christmas when he wanted our son's girlfriend's last name for a gift.
You would think since she attended his wedding, my son and his gf have together for over two years and they now share an apartment, that the Leaver would know her full name. ::)
Anyways, this is hands-down my favorite thread.
I wonder why no one has made a clinger or a wallower thread yet.
I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...
Some MLCers are easier than others to put in a category. Most of us don't have a true vanisher (but some do), many are what I call "low contact", such as my husband, if it wasn't for our divorce hearings, and some meetings about finances, and a couple of funerals, I wouldn't have seen him at all since BD in 2013.
Many also switch from clinger to boomerang, and then vanish.
It's not like I'm an expert but your husband doesn't seem to fit any of the MLC categories, he seems for like a narcissist to me due to his previous long term affair and his need to control you (and probably his ow too but who cares about her?) What's the difference between the two? My Opinion, and yes it's only my opinion, is that MLC is a drastic personality change. Looking back, I can almost pinpoint when my husband started to change, his personality, his clothes, his mannerisms, he acts like a completely different person, not just to me but everyone around him.
Either way, you still belong here b/c either way you need to vent and that's the main reason we are all here, to vent.
-
Just chiming in since my (most likely already but I don't really know yet) ex H did the almost complete vanishing act last September. FIL accidentally called here at 11:30 pm the other night. He was trying to get hold of H. Not returning FILS calls. But I know H is still alive (at least as of last sunday), because his parental interactions with the kids is to play video games with them on occasion. Other than that, he's a vanisher with them, too.
Re:personality change. As I've said elsewhere, mine was a little broken from things of the past he could never let go, but it's like all the broken bits surfaced and he couldn't handle it. I can tell exactly when it happened to the month, nearly to the day. The change in his photos is evident.
I think vanishers vanish due to truly not caring (at some point) or not being able to live with the guilt. Clinging boomerangs are not able to cut their own rope- unable to decide if they should stay or go. Wallowers have no energy to leave. The vanishers leave us looking around and wondering how they fell off the face of the planet.
-
I used to give my husband updates about different things. I too thought if I did this, it would help him remain connected to his children, to his family , to me. I also worried about his mental state and at least then when he answered, I knew he was alive.
He never really used the information to continue his relationship with his children. It was like he was ignoring it. But....down the road, I would find out he was paying attention and using the information with others to show how he was such a good Dad or to pretend he still lived at home.
It was so bizarre.
It didn't matter what I did. He did what he wanted to do.
-
Thanks everyone- also thanks LWH - that makes sense because he doesn’t seem to care about the family- probably does pretend to have a good relationship with the kids. I guess I am not unique- and neither is he. I have to defer to everyone’s experience! Hugs: IF
-
Still nothing from my vanisher since bd Aug 15.I feel like I'm in limbo as he still pays half the morgage but had no contact from him at all poof and he was gone after 20 years
-
Attaching to the new thread. I like this thread, I feel there's somewhere I can go to read about LBSs with Hs like mine. My H was boomerang, then clinger, then vanisher. If it weren't for my S13, I think I'd never see him.
I think vanishers/or what we have, feel so bad when they see us, that they have decided the only way for them to feel ok is to avoid us. I think what Rising Phoenix said about her dad is probably how most of our vanishers feel. They don't have the strength or courage to try to go back to the wife, or to get out of the OW relationship. Maybe our vanishers are weaker than the clingers, or more proud than the clingers, or don't seem to be able to swallow their pride enough to do something to fix the mess. It's as if they tell themselves there's no hope and that's that.
If only, I don't see any harm in sending your H a regular update, maybe once a month and not every day. He said he enjoys your friendship. I think just like others have said, that while the OW is around, they are going to avoid us and the kids. They need the OW and the OW has given them an ultimatum: no contact with us at all of any kind or they will dump them. That's terrifying to our Hs now.
If we can maybe just accept this fact. If Only, your H was quite open about his situation with you, and thanks for sharing it with us. It gives us an insight into many of our Hs. While our Hs are in the throws of the OW, they are turned away from us, even though they might not want to be. There is no point expecting them to interact with us or to have some miracle awakening when they read a message from us. It's not going to happen that way.
However, I do believe, that when our Hs are fighting with the OW, or have broken off temporarily with the OW, and we happen to reach out in that moment, they can turn back to us. I don't mean as in reconnecting or anything like that, but maybe a touch and go, or just a good feeling about us that is a seed they store away.
With vanishers it's very hard to know when they are fighting with the OW, so If Only, if you keep the line of communication open, you might catch one of those moments. I think the secret is to send your messages without expecting them to get a result. No Expectations just described MLC on her new thread as the movement of a frozen slug. I really believe a nice message/email with no pressure attached is a healthy seed. So if you want to message your H then do it. But not every day. I really think the MLCer needs space to work through this crisis.
-
Still nothing from my vanisher since bd Aug 15.I feel like I'm in limbo as he still pays half the morgage but had no contact from him at all poof and he was gone after 20 years
Have you tried small bits of contact such as a "happy birthday"? or something like "I still have your (golf clubs, grandmothers wine glasses, whatever) and was wondering if you would like me to send/give/get them to you."?
The first year and contact at all The Leaver would basically growl at me, after time he was more neutral and then surprisingly enough, often friendly. Of course, it's completely up to you if you even want contact with him.
THIS.....
I think vanishers/or what we have, feel so bad when they see us, that they have decided the only way for them to feel ok is to avoid us. Vanishers are weaker than the clingers, or more proud than the clingers, or don't seem to be able to swallow their pride enough to do something to fix the mess. It's as if they tell themselves there's no hope and that's that.
Yes, this is what I think is the simple (yet complicated) basic reason why our husbands "vanish". It's not that they don't love us as much as the clingers/boomerangs, nope, like all MLCer their vanishing act has nothing to do with "us". It's just that THEY have issues and are conflict avoiders to the extreme. How many of you thought you had a great marriage b/c you never fought? I know I did, we never fought so I thought that meant we were fine. Fine all the time? for 28 years? No, we weren't "better" than other marriages, we just avoided the difficult issues.
So now he disappears b/c he can't deal with life in an adult way so he runs away.
The question most asked by newbies when their husband runs away.
Will they forget us? OF course they can't forget us. Forget 15, 20, 25 or more years? No, it's just more of the same, avoiding, and when the other woman stirs up sh!t, they avoid dealing with that too, so they sit and wallow in the mess they created.
What if we don't constantly pelt them with anger? What if we give them the space they asked for but once in a while (that's key, not too much), just once in awhile reach out? If MLC is real, my feelings is eventually they will respond, might take a long time and it's not for everybody. But, if you do eventually want a relationship with them, what do you have to lose?
-
I agree with what you all are saying. Them feeling bad or to proud to see us or fix it. Yes, i believe that vanishers/ low contact ones are weaker than clingers or boomerangs. The cowards mantra for many years was" out of sight, out of mind" and i believe that he is still living that. We have 3 kids together. We do not communicate with each other about them or any decisions involving them. The boys are older but we have a 13 year old daughter who got the shaft in all this. If he cant ask me anything about whats going on with her i will be damned if im going to offer it. That is his responsibility.
As far as reaching out, i support anyone that does. For me, i will not reach out. I have had my face and hands slapped enough to do it again. If i did reach out it would be looked at by him and the ow as a joke. Look at her she still cant move on. I refuse to keep being a joke. I believe that anything you do good or bad towards them doesnt matter in the end. If god wants you together in the end you will be . If not, oh well.
-
. For me, i will not reach out. I have had my face and hands slapped enough to do it again. If i did reach out it would be looked at by him and the wh*r^ as a joke. Look at her she still cant move on. I refuse to keep being a joke. I believe that anything you do good or bad towards them doesnt matter in the end.
I agree bluerose, that’s is how I feel. I have tried that many times and so I have made children with no response which hurts , so I won’t put myself through it any longer. Ow monitors all of h’s emails etc so I don’t even know if he would see them and from her stupid social media quotes she would enjoy each time I contacted and another quote would go on. No for me I won’t rwach out either xx
-
Bluerose and rp, I agree. There are only so many times you can bang your head against the wall. I am done with it... he gets what he wants which is to think of me as dead.
-
Sad isnt it. How someone you have shared so much of your life with cant remember anything good about you and hate you so much.
-
It is blue rose and to re write it all and see nothing of their actions and its every lbs fault. To act as if f I am d as within 10 minutes of I love you I need you! Ow caught us and 10 min later I was dead to him and loathes me apparently and not seen or spoken to him since. So be it.
I am an attractive woman where as ow is not as for ow to be 16 yrs younger she looks more of the same age although I do look you for my age but I do feel I have aged considerably in the last 3 yrs. I am a kind loving person and love my family but I can no longer waste head space on him or her. He had it all and threw it away, he was handed his family and life on a plate several times and threw it back in my face. His loss, I have grieved and although sometimes grief gets the better of me still I am moving forward and the pain becomes less over time. I don’t think it will ever fully go but it is less and I can go with that. Xx
-
Is it that they are harboring anger after several years or is the control of the other woman?
I suspected (but never asked) that the girl might keep close tabs.
Last time we had contact I was asking about insurance and he “forgot” the information I had sent him. I wrote back, “scroll up, I sent it last week.” He wrote back that he “deletes” old messages so he doesn’t have hundreds. Yeah, right. So apparently he hides our contact even if it is only about finances.
-
I agree Nah. I certainly don't discount the control of the OW in my case. I think she has lots and I've thought since BD that she has lots of power. She BDed her husband the day after my MLer blew up our lives. That's planning. I would guess she kept on him and the minute she got what she'd been pushing for, she blew up her life with her husband.
Mine probably just hates it when he meets me on the highway (like this morning on my way to church) and then thinks......"Crap....she really isn't dead." ;)
I know I am in the minority here in that I never have, and still don't, feel the least bit sorry for my MLer. Others often comment that they "see" the pain and agony their MLer is going through. I've not seen any pain and agony because of course mine avoids me. Maybe that's why I don't feel sorry for him and what he's "going through".
-
Im with you SB, i dont feel sorry for the coward. Not one bit.
-
I waver between feeling sorry and not.
I don't doubt even a sliver that his life is a complete mess BUT even if it's MLC/depression/FOO issues/whatever, I still believe he had choices and he still has choices yet he chooses to wallow and point fingers and wallow some more.
Now maybe my case is different but I know for sure (due to grapevine and things I have witnessed over the years) that she is very controlling, insecure and keeps close tabs BUT.... she is scared to death of me.
We have only been in the same room twice (once at a funeral, once by accident) and BOTH times she turned away when I spoke to The Leaver, turned bright red and bowed her head to the floor until I walked away.
Can't imagine the reaming he got both times after I left.... ;D ;D
-
I don't hear from my ghost at all. Not even low contact.
I do like the idea of me saying hey G (ghost) I'm starting some home remodeling and I still have those side tables your uncle made. Would you like them back?
-
The first year post BD, I put together a photo album of pictures from when he was a baby to our last vacation. He didn't respond for weeks until I asked him if he received it (I knew that he did weeks ago as I had the delivery receipt), he angrily came back that I only sent the photos to make him feel guilty.
Two years ago I sent him a Santa Clause that his grandmother made and some stockings that my mother made. He just responded "Thank you, that was nice".
Then when we were arguing a few months ago he finger pointed that I only contact him when he owes me money... ???
I reminded him of the Christmas presents and he stopped yelling, "Oh yeah, that was really nice of you" (You could have knocked me over, he actually calmed down and started talking nice to me again )
Baby steps.
-
Simply by being OW/OM the person would be very controling, regardless of how they are/were when not being OW/OM. It comes with the territory.
Is it that they are harboring anger after several years or is the control of the other woman?
In same (many?) cases a bit of both? Mr J is still angry. And dead scared of me, for reasons I have no clue about.
Still, does it matter? The anger is there, regardless of belong only to the MLCer and/or because of OW. It changes nothing. While they are still angry and deep in crisis, we are the enemy.
P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.
-
I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...
I wonder the same about mine. I’m not sure what he is anymore. He started out a low energy clinger but then crazy started.
-
P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.
There was at least one (maybe more) LBS with a true vanisher a few threads back, I can't remember her name.
Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"
-
P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.
Give me a couple more weeks. The only thing I have contact on is the divorce and that is minimal. The kids don't know where he is because he's moved twice. I only know his address because it's on the insurance papers and he doesnt know I can see it . His dad can't seem to get him to answer the phone. We don't Fakebook or instagram or the like. I have no idea what he's doing or with whom. (Kinda like it that way)
So would he still be a vanisher if he plays video games with the kids once a month or so? Do they have to vanish from everyone's life?
-
We know what a vanisher is. Would you like me to change the name of the thread Anjae?
-
Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"
I usually call mine a vanisher/hider. At absolutely no time has mine ever been a boomerang, and I'm in year three now.
-
There was at least one (maybe more) LBS with a true vanisher a few threads back, I can't remember her name.
Most of us have been calling them "Low Contact"
I know. But the majority does not have a true vanisher. They seem to be very rare. Low contact makes sense.
So would he still be a vanisher if he plays video games with the kids once a month or so? Do they have to vanish from everyone's life?
No, if he plays video games with the kids once or twice a month he is not a vanisher. Yes, they have to completly vanish from everyone's life. Don't remember RCR exact words from her article on Vanisher, but it was on the line of "you have no idea if your spouse is alive of dead, he/she may as well as dropped from the face of the earth". With a real vanisher it is absolute zero, nada in everything.
I have wondered the same thing, why isn't there a clinger thread and a wallower thread..I can honestly say that for myself I have no idea what my H is.. vanisher , clinger...boomerang...
There are threads on wallowers/low energy MLCers and boomerangs/clingers thread. There are pretty much threads on all MLC things on HS and even on non-MCL things. Some are here on the main board, others on the archives. You guys just need to learn to look for them/search HS board and archives. ;) :)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8089.0 - Low Energy MLCers - Wallowers II
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=303.0 - Low Energy MLCers - Wallowers I
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5050.0 - The live in MLCers
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=676.0 - Clinging Boomerangs
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=305.0 - Off-and-On
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1301.0 - High and Low Energy MLCers
These threads are different that the Anyone else have a vanisher?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8310.0 - VANISHER 3
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3368.0 - VANISHER 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=297.0 - VANISHER 1
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4476.0 - What type of contact type is your MLCer?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7435.0 - Clinger or Vanisher pros and cons
-
Ok, a vanisher is more like I thought. Contact is rare , not non existant. And it seems to only have to do with the spouse, but that's open to interpretation.
Vanisher
Is my spouse dead? You may know they are alive and how they seem to be doing because of the grapevine, or you may not. This MLCer seems to drop off the earth. They may contact on occasion, but contact is rare. Do not pursue, if you try to contact or follow your MLCer they will find a new hideout and bury themselves deeper, and blame you more. By leaving them alone you are allowing them the time to heal and to choose how they will heal even if you disapprove of their choices.
-
Rare as in very rare. A vanisher does not contact as often as many on this threads say their spouses do. For example Nah's ex-husband's and Nah have a lot of contact, they text, etc.
By the very rare contact I could consider Mr J a vanisher, but he really isn't one. Or maybe he is, but since he leads such a public life, I don't see him, as such. Also, he was a certified clinger at BD and afterwards. His lack of contact has to do with me cutting contact with him.
-
I have no idea if mine is dead or alive. I get nothing. H before he vanished would delete our conversations. The only time I know he is alive is on the rare occasion his solicitor replies to mine and even that’s rare. He ignores that aswell. Xx
-
Anjae is right. My 'vanisher' started as a boomerang for first 4 months or so, then had a vanisher patch where the only way I knew he was alive was his salary turning up in the joint a/c. Back then to a boomerang for another 3 months, then after he announced 'divorce is the only option' was a real vanisher for about 3 months, popped up as a boomerang for a couple of months 'wanting joint counselling', back to vanisher for a couple, then he filed and stayed a vanisher for another 6 months or so. Since July, does vanisher for about 2 months, a couple of weeks of contact, back to vanisher. Watchgate and final stages of divorce/house sale have made him a bit more low contact boomerang. I have no idea what he thinks will happen post-divorce...I suspect I will be a vanisher and he will want to 'talk' ::)
My reflections on what lies behind the 'vanishing'? I think initially they just want to run away from everything and my H was a depressed 'wallower' who wanted the world to stop, I think. As his affair started, I think the vanishing was more about a pendulum between a) seeing contact as an irritating distraction/wanting to control me and b) being afraid of his own emotions if he saw me. So, mostly it's a combination of fear and control really.
Actually if I think about times when I've wanted/done 'vanisher' too? Always been when I'm either just exhausted by the insanity and see no use in contact, or when I feel so emotionally unsafe that NC is the only way to protect myself from the risk/pain/uncertainty. Perhaps not very different as an LBS?
-
When I think about, h has vanished couple times in last 3 yrs. this is the longest at 6 mths which has surprised me. Needing him for help with son in January and no response has finished me. Vanish he wants vanish and no contact he can have. Will still be my fault. I will have made it impossible for him to see his kids. What ever! Perhaps I sound bitter. Need get rid of that pill xx
-
The only reason i know mine is alive is bc he sends me child support every two weeks and takes my daughter for visitation. If he didn't have to do those two things he would be a true vanisher.
Who cares about the name anyway, the end result is still the same. We don't get to know anything about their life and they prefer to think of us as dead.
-
I know this isn’t the right place to ask this and apologise in advance but does anyone know if I have cross petitioned and he has presumably had a copy, does it go straight to court or has it probably gone to court as he has disagreed with my petition? Uk law.
I am not sure as he is silent
Thanks in advance xx
-
Probably best to check on the process with your L? As I recall - if cross-petitioning means you issued a d petition of your own - then your H will have been sent that and has 30 days to acknowledge receipt of it?
-
I think I am going to have to become a vanisher to my "vanisher."
P.S. pretty much no one, if anyone, on these Vanishers threads has a real vanisher, myself included. A real vanisher does not contact now and then. The LBS had no idea where the MLCer lives, what he/she does, we don't know their OW and they do not keep social media. At least none that are aware of or can see. What we have is boomerangs or low contact MLCers.
Give me a couple more weeks. The only thing I have contact on is the divorce and that is minimal.
I can't even have contact on the divorce anymore, as my H changed his phone number. The only way I could contact him now about anything would be via snail mail. I know where he works, but I'm only 90% sure I have the correct home address.
We don't have kids and no divorce has been filed, but he's changed his phone number and email, which makes the divorce he wants much more difficult to obtain.
I had a clinger who moved 1100 miles away to live with OW and texted me the entire 22-hour drive the day he moved. I stopped responding to his "buddy" texts and for the next year mostly only contacted about legal/financial issues.
A couple of times I did what Nah suggested, a simple "how are you?" and always got nice responses. He'd reply and then a few days later even instigate a text, a picture of my dog or something.
Last May 2017, he even for the first time opened up about some info on his new life, telling me about working at a golf course on the weekends and he sent me a link to an article about a high school girl he works with at the course who used golf to get through her cancer diagnosis. He thought she was so brave for what she went through and called her "really something else."
Oddly enough, literally a month after that text conversation, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And then my off and on-er pretty much became a vanisher. Coincidence? I think not.
I wonder if he thinks I'm "really something else"? Doubtful.
I was diagnosed exactly one year after he started his new life in his new city. He found out through my MIL, who heard the news at the hair salon (we go to the same salon...or we used to. I'm bald at the moment).
I got a text from him when he heard. It was robotic and I couldn't even respond to it. Maybe I should have, but I had just been told I had advanced cancer and it was an aggressive subtype that is harder to treat. I was reeling from the news and reading his text that sounded as if it was written to a stranger made me so sad.
I didn't text him back, but I did send an email asking him to please resume making deposits (which he hadn't made since the previous November) as I was going to be in treatment for a long while and needed to budget.
He wrote back and basically told me he was not going to resume deposits until we had a signed agreement (which we already have, it just was never filed because I moved out of state and had to meet the residency requirement. Then when I was diagnosed I moved home). He said he was no longer able to correspond by email because his laptop was broken and email wasn't working on his phone. So he cut off that avenue of communication right away.
I got a text from him a month later on my birthday wishing me happy birthday from the dog (not from him). I replied the next day and just said "Thank you." Then nothing. Just last week I found at that at some point in the last 6 months, he got a new phone number. So even if I had texted him just to check in over the past 6 months that we've been nc, he wouldn't have gotten it.
I don't know why they vanish. I think it's different depending on the MLCer. Some are cowards who think, similar to toddlers, that if they don't have to see the person/people they hurt, they can successfully outrun their guilt over it.
Some are so angry and so convinced of their irrational narrative that the LBS is 100% to blame, and they may stay away until something happens to make them realize their new narrative is in fact irrational and the LBS isn't to blame for their choices.
Some are still so foolishly infatuated with the OP that they allow the OP to control everything, and that includes their contact with the LBS and even their kids.
There's probably lots of other reasons they vanish as well.
I can't ignore that mine vanished when I got cancer. I can't decide if he just doesn't care or if he's such a delusional coward that he thinks if he ignores it all, it isn't really happening.
My diagnosis was pretty bad and I have been in treatment with chemo and now radiation/chemo for almost 8 months, with at least another 8 months ahead of me (oral chemo, etc).
During the time I have been dealing with chemo and surgery and feeling like hell all the time, OW decided to change her FB profile picture to a picture of her and H looking like a perfect happy couple. I don't know if she even knows I have cancer or that we are in fact still married.
I have heard from my MIL every few weeks since the day she heard I was sick, and last week was the first time I mentioned H to her, because I had to ask her if he changed his phone number.
The mere mention of H changed the dynamic of our communication. She got very defensive and was evasive when answering my question. I know she wasn't aware that he didn't give me his new contact info, but she still basically covered for him and wouldn't get involved. It's clear that she is only willing to have contact with me if we can pretend H doesn't exist.
I personally think in my case, my H has become more of a vanisher the more he finds that the grass really is greener and his new life suits him. He lives in a house of cards, because I know he's deep in debt and not paying his bills and has several collections accounts now. So clearly he's not thinking about anything long term. But the more he settles in and succeeds more at his job and becomes more a part of his new community, the more guilty he feels, so the more he vanishes and pretends I never even existed.
The bottom line is he's vanished. I got cancer and he got a new phone number. He lives an entirely new life and is getting deeper and deeper into it, yet has now made it so much harder to get a divorce.
It's insanity.
-
All I got from solicitor was now have court date and h may change his position and will let me know if he does. Not much info there.
H has changed mobile no as well and text son other week to inform him that if wants contact will be by email. D didn’t get text so she felt that was an up yours to her. What 12 and 14 yr old will email? Wtf moment!
I just wondered if he has prob ignored or replied he does not agree. I suppose a stupid question as who knows? Including me! Who knows!
-
Nas, I have a friend who has gone through breast cancer and had both breasts removed. Once she had the all clear although never a complete all clear as regular checkups, her husband decided cancer had changed her and started to ignore her then ea with ow.
She did say her outlook on life had changed and she needed to live but also she said she needed love like the earth needs sun and that he had stopped his love and so she asked him to leave. She even one eve lit candles and put on her most sexy underwear as she had new breasts. He got home, got into bed and looked at her, tapped her arm and said night old gal and turned over and went to sleep!
She felt her breast cancer affected him more than it did her. He was not needed as she had nurses and doctors etc .
They have very little contact. Xx
-
Yes, RP, it's heartbreaking. BD was 3 years ago and I haven't seen him in almost 2 years. He stopped loving me long before I got cancer but I didn't think he'd stop caring completely. But he has. I can only imagine he views my now having cancer as making me somehow more "defective." Or needy, or a burden.
To find out I have cancer and just walk away completely...I can't believe I was married to someone that selfish and/or cowardly.
-
Complete strangers nas. Xx
-
I call mine a "vanisher" right now.
If my one child did not see him once a month, we would have no clue if he is alive or dead other than for the depositing of funds in the joint bank account.
He has no contact with me at all. I am dead to him. If his OW didn't have social media that she posts constantly on, I would have no idea what he looks like. My children mock her posts when they look at them. They mock him for how he dresses and acts now based on what they see since they don't really know him anymore ( 2 have not had anything to do with him in a long long time based on their own boundaries)
Maybe if he ever was alone again, he would change his methods. Right now, I think he needs me dead. He did this one other time to please the last OW and to I think make it easier to hate me. To believe his lies he tells himself about us/me.
-
H has finally after 3 yrs introduced ow to his family. My sister bumped in my bil today and he confirmed has met her once. Apparently h believes he is not married and has no family. Bil states h is not interested in his kids and is an a**$ hole. Bil thinks ow is a man with t**ts! And he hopes I can be happy as I deserve more than a low life a**$ hole xx
-
I think we have one. :-\
Left right at BD 5 1/2 years ago and hasn't been back since except a couple of visits soon after to pick up some of his "stuff" which didn't amount to much, and then gone - leaving 99% of his things at home. One day he was giving us the best days for him to be off work so we could book our family vacation, and within a week was packing up his truck and carrying out boxes, leaving our home for good - ending all communications.
Less than two hours spent with the kids in over 5 years who were in elementary school when he left. :'( >:(
Met OW and moved thousands of miles to live with her... his "soul mate" as he told the kids and I :o ::) ;) ;D. New life, nobody to question who he is or about the family he abandoned and left behind.
Our very own Forrest Gump....Run Forrest Run ;D
-
Good Lord, Snowdrop - how incredibly hard for your kids. I can't imagine. How are they now? Are you divorced? It's a pretty clear sign that this just isn't about you or a normal marriage breakdown isn't it, to abandon your kids like that.
-
Snowdrop,
I would say he is one!
Wow. I feel for you and for your kids.
I don't understand how one just leaves with very little and just steps into a new life? I still have all of my Husband's stuff here. He came one time after conning the one child into letting him have a key while we were out of town. He managed to take some books and a few token things that I had given him for his office. Why do they not want their stuff?
Honestly, If I didn't live this every day and come on here to read, I would think this was one fantastic tale of lies. Like seriously who lives this way? 2 hours with your children in over 5 years.? Wow.
I just said today to someone, if I was such a horrible, evil person, why did he leave his children with me 24/7. You had the same experience.
Kudos to you.
-
Treasur, LWH
Agreed, it isn't about us.
Tough at the beginning as it is for all of us but over time I think him being gone helped with our healing and detachment. There was no way but up for the kids and I, so after the usual LBS confusion of it all and pain, we were forced to make a new life without him - no choice but to go forward. Amazing what no money in the bank and no support can do. It was a new lease on life in a way for me and I was no longer the stay home mom as I had been for all those years. I/we are very determined and independent so we forged ahead.
H can never undo what damage he has caused regarding the kids but hopefully they turn out as well as can be expected under the circumstances. They are good kids, and fortunately but unfortunately, saw their father's behaviour firsthand (even at BD) so there is no explaining to them the unexplainable. Regardless though they were little children abandoned by the father they adored and the dad who was hands on and would drive hundreds of miles home from work just to spend a weekend with us then drive back. Very odd but so odd it makes it easier to see it wasn't us.
S did track H down via H's brother via Fbook (s created an account just for that reason) as he wanted his dad to see what kind of man he was becoming (how heartbreaking is that). They facetimed and it was a sad event. H didn't have a clue about anything and started the conversation with his S after 5 years not seeing him with some random sentence regarding an upcoming doctors visit for H :o ::)!! H spoke as if the kids were still the same ages and in early grades. Not a clue and no sense of doing anything wrong and life goes on as normal. No remorse, nothing, in fact gloating about his new life and how S should go and live with H and OW.....WTF!!!!!!!!!!! Then how great S's "step-mom" is and how she loves him (S)....again WTF!!!
As expected H's brother commented to S that he was "glad he came around" regarding S contacting his father. Says it all and shows how H has been telling lies to back up his story, which he had to. That same brother hasn't once contacted us since H left nor did he when he was here, just like the rest of his family. Even when he lived here if his mother called (only when she wanted something) and the kids answered she would say, "I want to speak to H"....there we go right there, that's his family so no surprises really.
As for leaving his things I think that is quite common, correct me if I'm wrong, and many MLCers do the same. He rooted through things in the garage and picked up random things to take with him. It was comical. Sad part was S and D running after him for a crumb of conversation as he went back and forth from the garage to his truck. So sad, so very sad that he became that person. A man who always put his family first to that. The change was so extreme that over time it was so much easier to stand back and realize in this state he couldn't live with us anyway.
I explained to the kids that at this point in time OW was a better match for him because it wouldn't work if he lived with us, and she must be very much like him which is why he likes her. They seemed to "accept" that although still so much pain, that was their dad.
Overall, we took on "live like he is never coming back", and it really did help. Now we are light years ahead and in fact would never go back to what we had.
He has done some really nasty stuff since he went ie calling to get gas cut off and other things to squeeze us out of our home but it has backfired on him as I went back to school and got a job and although I have to work like crazy and don't do much else, I manage to pay the bills...barely. My kids still come first and always have and I always thought that making sure they have a home and a safe place to grieve is paramount, regardless of what H wants. They are my priority and always have been, always will.
That's my two pence, for what it is worth.
I am thankful in so many ways that he is a vanisher as it leaves you no choice but to acknowledge the loss, grieve it, and move forward. Like taking off a Bandaid quickly. Things still have to be sorted with him down the road as he refused to cooperate with lawyers. I leave things alone at the moment for a sense of peace and to let S finish school. In time we will have to poke the wasps nest.
I'm not sure how H feels. Not sure if he is running scared or just waiting. Running away to another country and not paying child support for years isn't in his favour. Maybe he needs reminding that we can have his passport and driver's license cancelled in a heartbeat and his picture up on the government website for being behind in support payments. We have done none of that. We need peace for now.
I hardly think about him anymore. I don't keep up with my thread as there is nothing to report. As well I found that while I loved coming onto the site and it was so helpful and an amazing safe place with good friends and lots of laughs and tears, I then noticed it was a bit of an addiction and while I came on daily it was making it all too current so I decided to walk away to help with my healing, and it did. I still come and read from time to time and make the odd comment. There are some threads I would never take part in, but there we go, what a difference a day makes.
Hugs to us all, we are amazing and strong and capable of dealing with everything the comes our way. I am a true believer in that relationships are a choice and I don't want anyone with me who doesn't want to be with me. As for H he is his own person and can do as he pleases, I don't own him, but I do wish he had left under different circumstances and that he had maintained a relationship with the kids when they were young. Another indication that he most probably is in MLC as there is no explanation for his behaviour. Whatever he was experiencing was far greater than any rational reason to stay with his family and I feel it must have been something quite powerful in order to be okay with everything that he created and all the chaos caused. That being said I think/know we are done. I loved the man I was with and don't regret any of it, but the man he is now is not the kind of man I would choose to be with.
Oh well.......
-
Snowdrop,
Thank you for taking the time to share with us. What a journey you and the kids have been on. What progress you've made and continue to make. May your path always hold good things for you and your children.
-
Attaching x
-
May your path always hold good things for you and your children.
Thank you SB, very nice to say.
I think the same for all of us, and no what matter what we had before or for how long, or which way the MLC went after BD, I think we have all experienced such pain. This journey really does make you feel at first like you are going mad and question our own sanity doesn't it, but thank goodness for this site and the support.
Clinger, Boomerang, Vanisher, whatever they may be, doesn't change the chaos and hurt. For me I am thankful in some ways for a vanisher as it helps in healing, although there will come a day when we have to communicate and I am not looking forward to it, but don't think about it either - it will all work out as it should. Then again I do remember thinking after talking with H since BD that I seemed more in fear of my own thoughts and irrational "what ifs" than I did after having an actual conversation (if you could ever call it that) with him, and how I had nothing to worry about as something is very much off. Then again throw an OW in the mix and who knows what you get. I figure at this point after......let me figure this out......5 years together with OW they are either a total disaster together or thick as thieves. I'm sure she will stick around until any property sells. (That's enough of my energy spent on her for the day ;) even though I understand she only knows what H has told her).
At first I used to read threads and longed for H to be someone who hadn't left so we could see him. I then realized it wouldn't have gone well. My heart breaks while I am also amazed at any LBS dealing with their MLC spouse on a daily/regular basic. I give them so much credit and feel they are the true troopers of this awful experience we have been handed to deal with.
Sometimes I stop and think of the family just about to experience BD or the kids who have no idea about what's heading their way, or the spouse it is happening to as I type. I wish I could tell them that it really is going to be okay and you might feel there is no hope, but there is and life can be good on the other side...you just have to wade through the hurt to get there.
Hugs to all.
-
Sorry I hadn’t seen #14 started! To IF who asked if being in daily friendly contact was a good move. I think that makes you still feel involved with your H. And I hope you’ll guard your heart on having expectations of this will make him want to come back. Only time will do that. I would think your friendly conversation let’s him feel less guilty. So I am with the cake eating crowd on this. You are not responsible for anyone else R including your children with their F. You just need to work on your own R with them but no matter how much we try to protect the children get hurt too. I hope you’ll think about giving your kindness to your self.
I have not seen or spoke to my xH in a year and half. There was one text in May at my D graduation. I call mine a vanisher by he wants to vanish from our lives. Not based on how much contact he gives.
I think the isolation feeling is a result of their vanishing is why we struggle with healing so much. There was no true closure no good reason no empathy to us. It was cruel and shattering from someone we thought loved us and would protect us. I am NC to protect myself from being tossed morsels of attention to make the MLC feel better. I don’t want to walk on eggshells with him. It doesn’t appear being nice is what the MLCer is drawn too. Almost the contrary they want an edgy life to make themselves feel younger and more important.
I am on this valuable thread bc I would not be nearly as far along in my recovery without learning from each other!!!! I have consequences every day as a result of his MLC. Sadly my reality is there will be many more days if it!i think the most important thing we need to do on this thread is help each other learn more and more coping skills to help our painful feelings to vanish!!!!
-
H spoke as if the kids were still the same ages and in early grades. Not a clue and no sense of doing anything wrong and life goes on as normal. No remorse, nothing, in fact gloating about his new life and how S should go and live with H and
Snowdrop,
Exactly this did happen to me when I was 21-22 yo. My father (deeply depressed/suicied attempts etc after my mother BD him when I was 16) He vanished from me and one of my brothers middle one for 5-6 years and then called "out of the blue" one day. He wanted to meet me and now xh. Anyway, all my life I've talked about how crazy it was that he was treating me or seeing me as the 16yo I was when he vanished, since the behavior was so totally crazy. Not until this happened to me and the possibility to "look into" others life, that this is a "common" behavior with mlc'r. My father also stated how much his ow by that time #8 or something, loooooved me! I was also like WTF???? Anyway, I only saw him a couple of times before I went NC for the rest of his life, during a year or so until I found out that it was always on his terms, always he wanted something from me never ever him wanted to help out/show remorse or something else, a totally selfish behavior from his side. He tried to hoover me and my family from time to time during 25 years. One time XH did have to put us (me and our sons into the car) and him trying to reason with my father that we did not want anything to do with him. At the end of my fathers life, there was a lot of manipulation with come see me and you will get money/summer house etc. Sadly he never recovered and took responsibility over what he had been doing. The really really strange thing is that XH is behaving in the exact same way now. Total vanished since 3,5 years or so, oldest son cut contact no relationship over these years, youngest son a little contact but this is now on bare minimum or zero contact. Both spends holidays etc with me, XH did have to spent his 4th christmas without his own children. Mind blowing that xh family/ow etc believes his lies or what he has been saying to them. When grown up kids does not want to see a person, why don't it raise questions in other people about why?
Hugs
-
I have a new one for y'all... The vanishing, reappearing puffy...
Who know believes that sending me text messages, telling me what to do regarding our 22 year old son, is acceptable...
I don't respond. Ever. He's seriously trying to "tell" me what to do.... ??? Nope... Not going to happen!
If this isn't testimony as to how incredibly insane they are, I don't know what is....
I'm come to believe that silence is golden... it's better to be thought dumb, than to speak and remove all doubt.... So I continue to just stay silent. :)
Happy Happy Friday y'all!! Have a fabulous day and a great weekend!!
-
I don't respond. Ever.
You're a smart woman, MsMed. ;)
-
My grammar and spelling were awful!!! Sorry!!!
The audacity of that "man" and the continued attitude of superiority. I just do not get it.. He seriously thinks he's better than me!!!
Just exactly who does he think he is.. and more importantly, does he not realize who the hell I am??
I'm the ex wife, I'm no longer legally or morally obligated to listen, respond, or acknowledge.. That's what he wanted. I don't communicate with him at all so I'm confused as to why he feels so comfortable telling me what I need to do???
The past 2 weeks at my precious school, have almost been too much to handle. One student diagnosed with cancer last week, another just diagnosed today, both my kids. 7 of our families lost everything in a fire and one of our athletes took a header into the ground and is currently paralyzed. Add in all the anxiety over the horrific events in Florida, plus puffer and his demands...
Maybe I'm just pushed to my limit and I need to fall apart?? Haven't in a long time and I think it's time for the ugly cry and wine!!!!
I wished and prayed so hard, in the beginning, that puffy would contact me, call, show up, return a text.. Nope, nothing, he controlled 100% of the communication and almost all of my emotions... Now, I want him to leave me alone. Forever. I'll be cordial but that's it. He's helping our s, that's all I've ever asked of him but that is between them and no, I don't need him telling me what to tell our son! I don't need to hear about their disputes, their routines, I don't need to be the interventionist in their garbage. I will not do it. It's the drama triangle and I can smell that poop from space!!! No thank you....
I'm learning to be more selective in what I pray for and more specific... :) And keeping my mouth shut is something I struggle with almost everyday.. The f word is just so therapeutic sometimes!!!!!
But seriously, the nerve.... Disappear, secretly take everything, file for divorce, show up, smack the papers down and poof... Three years later, he's now right back to the angry hateful puffy and trying to tell me what to do??? Amnesia??? Alzheimer's??? Space time flux capacitor thingy time warp???
I want to ask him, you do know we are divorced right??? Then, the doormat that you left behind, no longer exists... So please, encourage our son in your own ways and if there are any logistical issues with s, please let me know but other than that, this was your choice and leave me out of it.
Yep, I need wine....
-
Passiflora
So sorry you had to live like that when you were younger and then to see it again with your spouse :( :'( What's with the OW loooooves you deal? H genuinely believed himself as he said it and both kids were like :-\ . Even they could see their father was sounding ridiculous. This was after telling us about how they met and were soulmates etc.... the whole visit was a disaster and his parting words were how the kids would regret it if they didn't speak or contact their father and would have to live with that. A disgrace of a man.
Right after BD I took the kids on vacation (the one we planned with H just before he left :o ::)) and it was during that time that he decided to come and take some of his things from our house. He was also telling the neighbours that him leaving was a "mutual decision" made by all. That used to hurt so much and I wanted to scream out loud saying how untrue that was. I then realized that unless I contacted every single person that crossed his path I could never correct what he was saying and even then did it matter? Realizing there was nothing I could do or say to prevent any of it was huge in my healing. A reminder to let go. Once I did it was so much easier, otherwise the insanity of wanting to set the record straight was insurmountable and futile.
When I got a lawyer and he had to respond, the first thing he said was he was "concerned about not being allowed to see or speak with the children" :o ::), which was a total lie as he hadn't even tried...just trying to gain sympathy. Didn't work. My lawyer slammed him right back with a few truths courtesy of me, nothing nasty just how he has had their phone numbers and email addresses and there was no contact. See he tried to pull that one even with lawyers so of course he's doing it wherever he is now to cover his tracks and make his story believable or else how can a father explain never hearing from his children. Why aren't they staying with him and why doesn't he receive father's day or birthday cards? Guaranteed his answer is because "that b!tch won't let them".
Now what is his excuse since D is over 18 and still doesn't contact him and has no intention to ever. Again he will say that their mother (me) brainwashed them and turned them against him ::) He must be exhausted keeping up the lies although I'm sure that by this point nobody asks anymore anyway. He's a nice guy and everyone sees that so will be forgiving. To outsiders he really is a great guy and so kind and helpful and a lot of fun. They will get what they need from him as far as friendships go and he will fit right in. In fact he goes over and above so for sure he could NEVER have been unkind to his family and it must have been that wife of his that drove him away......of course I did.
MsMed
The vanishing, reappearing puffy...
;D ;D ;D
believes that sending me text messages, telling me what to do regarding our 22 year old son, is acceptable...
:( :o ::) >:(
I don't respond. Ever. He's seriously trying to "tell" me what to do.... ??? Nope... Not going to happen!
:)
Good for you, I wouldn't either. All about control, even at a distance. Sounds like an annoying mosquito.
-
The past 2 weeks at my precious school, have almost been too much to handle. One student diagnosed with cancer last week, another just diagnosed today, both my kids. 7 of our families lost everything in a fire and one of our athletes took a header into the ground and is currently paralyzed. Add in all the anxiety over the horrific events in Florida, plus puffer and his demands...
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
-
I think the hardest part about having a vanisher is it makes it easier for me to drop back into thinking he's not in MLC.
I don't see him. I don't get any insight into his life. I can't see if he seems manic or depressed or whatever.
I know it's weird that he's spent almost 3 years claiming to want a divorce while at the same time doing everything he can to avoid it - to the point where he's now changed his phone number and left me with no way to contact him.
I know it doesn't make any sense that while he's living with OW and building up a new career (which would lead you to believe he's thinking of the future), he's simultaneously not paying any of his bills, has a bunch of accounts in collection, has no open credit cards (so he has to rely on cash for everything) and has ruined his credit to the point where he would have trouble even getting a new car loan or any new credit cards.
Still, that tells me very little in the grand scheme of things. I don't have any insight into his life and it's easy to believe he's just found greener grass. He's found the life that he wants.
He moved 1000 miles away and lives with OW in a lovely house and has a great job. No one knows he's still married and no one knows they started as an affair. OW's exH has already gotten remarried so there's not even the threat of her leaving him to go back to her family.
I always read that they have to lose everything before they might start to come out of the tunnel. It does seem like circumstances are working in his favor. Aside from his finances, he's not lost anything or faced any consequences for all he's done. And it doesn't look like he will.
And since I am so broke and now have cancer, it looks like he won't even have to deal with paying out anything in a divorce. I can't contact him directly so I would need to have everything go through a lawyer. Before I got diagnosed I spent all the money I had on legal fees and got nowhere and now I can't afford to fight him anymore.
He left me financially devastated and has been able to move away and start rebuilding his life with nothing in his way. He not only got a new job, but he's gotten promoted and it keeps getting better for him. Meanwhile, I live in my brother's guest room and need to find a new job but I have been in treatment for 8 months, will be in treatment for at least another 6 months, and then I'll have to start over with literally nothing.
And I'm still 100% legally married. Forget about dating for me for a long, long time.
Once I finish treatment, I have to find a job, get back in shape and feel good about myself again. So I won't even be in any place to start dating until I'm in my late 40s. And even then, what kind of quality guy is going to want to date a woman who is still married and has cancer?
Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done. The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.
-
I think the hardest part about having a vanisher is it makes it easier for me to drop back into thinking he's not in MLC.
I don't see him. I don't get any insight into his life. I can't see if he seems manic or depressed or whatever.
I know it's weird that he's spent almost 3 years claiming to want a divorce while at the same time doing everything he can to avoid it - to the point where he's now changed his phone number and left me with no way to contact him.
Nas, I'm not always the favorite on here, b/c if I don't think it's MLC, I will say it. If MLC is real, your husband has it. Normal well-adjusted people do not move in with someone else, while they are still married, and on top of it hide anyway for their spouse to contact them to avoid divorce. He has it, plain and simple.
This....
OW's exH has already gotten remarried so there's not even the threat of her leaving him to go back to her family.
So? She cheated on her ex and is currently living with a married man. Lovely house? Great job? So? Sounds like my sister (an ow), she's an insecure pos, plain and simple. She is NOT better than you. Well, unless you also have no problem destroying a family for your own selfish needs. Would you do that? No? Than you are better than her. Every. Single. Time.
This....
I know it doesn't make any sense that while he's living with OW and building up a new career (which would lead you to believe he's thinking of the future), he's simultaneously not paying any of his bills, has a bunch of accounts in collection, has no open credit cards (so he has to rely on cash for everything) and has ruined his credit to the point where he would have trouble even getting a new car loan or any new credit cards.
This
I don't have any insight into his life and it's easy to believe he's just found greener grass.
Then how do you know this?....
He's found the life that he wants.
No one knows he's still married and no one knows they started as an affair.
Aside from his finances, he's not lost anything or faced any consequences for all he's done. And it doesn't look like he will.
It does seem like circumstances are working in his favor.
He not only got a new job, but he's gotten promoted and it keeps getting better for him.
You're monkey braining and getting fooled by the smoke and mirrors.
One of two things....
He's a well adjusted happy normal man who is truly in love OR....
He's a scared little boy who royally firetrucked up his life so bad and his guilt is so firetrucking HUGE about turning his back on his sick wife, he has to hide b/c he can't face himself. What the Hell is he getting away with? When my son was depressed, he use to put a towel over the bathroom mirror when he took a shower. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband does something similar. It's bad enough to deal with the guilt of running away, but then you got sick?!? How the Hell does even a huge piece of crap human look in the mirror, and my guess your husband was not always a piece of crap. No Normal person can live with that guilt. NOT ONE. He's a firetrucking mess. Guaranteed.
I always read that they have to lose everything before they might start to come out of the tunnel.
Or the guilt keeps them where they are sitting.
He left me financially devastated and has been able to move away and start rebuilding his life with nothing in his way. Meanwhile, I live in my brother's guest room and need to find a new job but I have been in treatment for 8 months, will be in treatment for at least another 6 months, and then I'll have to start over with literally nothing.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this mess.
And I'm still 100% legally married. Forget about dating for me for a long, long time. Once I finish treatment, I have to find a job, get back in shape and feel good about myself again.
I have faith that you will get there.
So I won't even be in any place to start dating until I'm in my late 40s. And even then, what kind of quality guy is going to want to date a woman who is still married and has cancer?
That's when I started to date. Men are like cattle, believe me, if you want to date, they will appear.
Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done.
Like I said, the consequences follow him no matter where he tried to hide. The guilt keeps growing.
The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.
Agreed it does suck BUT.... I believe it can get better.
-
Vanishers suck, and the worst part in my situation is that it appears he's "won" because there's no consequences for what he's done. The whole situation is so disgusting and everytime I think it can't get any worse, it does.
Yes, it does.. and it appears that way.. BUT NOTHING is what it seems... It's the game of smoke and mirrors... It's all a mirage, a facade, that will eventually shatter!!
I used to think this exact same way.. He wins, I lose, it sucks, it's not fair... Ahhhh.... But is it really??
Karma is funny, funny thing... LBS seems to face ours immediately, while Mr MLCer gets away scott free.. It's called running.. and they can only hide and avoid it for so long..
True story... It does get worse UNTIL you decide that it won't any longer.. I thought the same way. My life only begin to change when I did. When I started searching for and finding my happiness and stopped looking to see if he was finally getting what he deserves. I spent the better part of 2 years, plastering a fake smile on my face because I was suffering while he was partying and living it up with his multiple ow's. It takes time.. I know.. the one word we all hate to hear!
Sending love and hugs!!
-
Nas, I'm sorry you have to face your illness whilst being an LBS. That is so much to bear. However, I back everything that Nah has said. Your H is not getting away with anything. He's got a great new job and got promoted? Well he's got a lot of debt to clear up and no credit rating, bills accumulating, no credit cards? What his new life is: a Ponzi scheme. It will end. The promotions, nice job, OW, they are all a facade.
Dating in your late forties feels late? I'm 53 and although I don't fancy dating at all, I think there's many years ahead of me to enjoy the company of a great man. Don't worry about time passing as you get better. Your body needs to heal first. Your focus must be you. Once you get stronger both physically and mentally, you'll be surprised but you might actually become more attractive than you've been for 10 or 20 years. That's the upside of this crisis.
It all sucks big time and it's not fair but this is your chance to take care of you. Work on your head while your body goes through treatment. Make yourself the person you want to be, the person who got set aside for a while. Then, once the grueling treatment is over, you'll be in a great place to take care of your body. That will be the easy part.
Your H like many of our Hs is a vanisher right now. Leave him to his fake vanishing life. You don't know what's happening over there, but if it were good, he could face his wife and ask her how she is, does she need any help, because that's what normal people do. He's not normal right now. He's a train reck. You don't need that mess. Think of these months as a sebbatical from your H.
-
Nas, I don’t know what to say to help you. I agree a lot with Nah. I can’t imagine your hurt and pain in dealing with MLC and poor health! I am sorry. You seem very brave to me. I am sending the warmest thoughts and a big hug!!! Please keep trying to preserve!!!
-
For what it's worth to you, I also agree with Nah and the rest. They are spot on.
And I'll say this again....."You have to be your own hero because everyone is busy trying to save themselves."
It is what it is with your H.
You are always in my thoughts and sending big hugs.
-
Thanks, everyone. You made me feel better. It just sucks feeling like I'm stuck in place because I can't do anything but deal with treatment.
I've been in treatment for so long now and feel like crap all the time and because of treatment, I can't move ahead, through no fault of my own.
Getting cancer in the midst of all this was a huge punch in the gut. Everything in my life stopped in its tracks. I had to move out of my beautiful new apartment and back in with my brother. I was self-employed and lost most of my accounts because I wasn't available. Now for all intents and purposes, I'm unemployed. I went all the way back to square one.
I think I've also been set back by having to really come to terms with the fact that he truly has screwed me financially and there's not a damn thing I can do about it because I don't have the money to fight him. I had faith for a long time that he would eventually follow through on the financial agreement and little by little that faith was chipped away at, and now that he's changed his phone number and really disappeared, that faith is completely destroyed.
As time has gone on, he's gotten much worse and little by little, his capacity for human decency has eroded.
I don't know how any person with a soul could live with the guilt of what he's done without completely falling apart. He has to be some kind of sociopath now to get up every day and live his life as if he's done nothing wrong.
-
I don't know how any person with a soul could live with the guilt of what he's done without completely falling apart. He has to be some kind of sociopath now to get up every day and live his life as if he's done nothing wrong.
This is so true...How do they do it? Like sleeping with someone else is OK? Where is the guilt?...The lying to everyone around him.
Honestly, people really are not that stupid. If they see you with someone else other than the person they have seen you with FOREVER. I'm sure they don't think that they are just a "friend"... Where are their morals?
-
few people have morals anymore...it hurts so much that "family friends" and even "family" menbers have at least some idea of what is going on ...that one person in the marriage is trying to turn things around.. trying to save the marriage.. heal ..but they embrace the OW/OM.. or watch the MLCer harm the LBS financially...its all so messed up
-
I don't know how any person with a soul could live with the guilt of what he's done without completely falling apart. He has to be some kind of sociopath now to get up every day and live his life as if he's done nothing wrong.
Yep. Pretty much sums it up nicely.
-
I can tell you how...
They end up with major health issues. Puffy let me know that last week, he was hospitalized with heart issues...
And here I thought he didn't have one!! :)
You are correct, the moral compass that most people have, is either missing or has been removed from our MLCer's...
Puffy is a narcissistic sociopath. I'm pretty sure he's always been one, he was just totally in the closet before the invasion. Now, he just lets his crazy hang out for the world to see.
-
I can tell you how...
They end up with major health issues. Puffy let me know that last week, he was hospitalized with heart issues...
And here I thought he didn't have one!! :)
;D ;D ;D
H's father left his mother 22 years ago for an OW (also an old "friend" from school). He died of a heart attack about 14 months later.
Not that I wish any poor health on H, but I can't for the life of me figure out how he is getting through the days unless he literally doesn't feel bad for anything he's done.
-
Oh Nas,
They feel it. They try not to and will do anything possible, (i.e. drink, drugs, etc) to forget...
Puffy drowns his sorrows in booze, pills, and Celtic woman music.. This is according to my son. It just makes me laugh....
Yours is an extra special d bag... You don't quit on your family and spouse.. especially when you are dealing with cancer..
I want to punch your husband Nas... hard!!!
-
I think he justifies it by thinking that I didn't have cancer when he left. I got it after he'd been gone for a year and a half, so maybe he thinks he's off the hook.
I guess that's why it was okay for OW to change her profile picture to a smiling picture of the two of them just as I was having both of my breasts removed. >:(
We don't have children and he lives so far away, I have no insight into whether he's using booze or anything else to avoid his guilt. He was drinking a lot right before BD and up until he moved out of our shared home. He moved in with his mother for 11 months before moving to live with OW. MIL claims he didn't drink at all when he was under her roof, but I know better because he even told me at the time he was having a few beers a few times a week. But it was nothing like the amount he was drinking in the 3 months after BD when we still lived together.
I do think he's working a ton of hours and that's a way to avoid himself.
I just don't get what the hell he thinks is going to happen by ignoring my existence. Does he think I'll just eventually fade away without ever actually getting a divorce - or that after vanishing for however long, one day he'll just pop back up and be like, "okay, well you got yourself through cancer and put your life back together, let's amicably divorce now"?
And if he does actually think about me and feel guilt, does he think he can just vanish, erase me from his life and then one day when enough time has passed it'll just all be okay and he'll miraculously be released from his guilt?
I mean, he can't possibly be thinking about tomorrow at all - as if he's only thinking about "right this minute" and can't project any further into the future than the next 30 seconds to consider any consequences or outcomes.
WTF, it makes no sense.
-
It doesn’t make sense nas, but I feel once they are in mlc nothing they do makes sense. My h has not seen or spoken to his kids in 7 mths. It’s their b days in 2 wks as they are 3 days apart and after Xmas sneaking about who knows what’s going to happen especially as the kids didn’t want to send him a bday card 2 wk ago.
H family says he already thinks he’s divorced and is not interested in his kids. Okey dokey then! X
-
I have a vanisher. After he made contact back in March 2016 he wanted to be friends. I said we could give it a try but he was a $h#tty friend and I told him that. He said he has been told that. It wasn't a month later he called me angry about one of his friends (a girl) blowing up his phone with text about me crying at the bar she tends. I told him that didnt happen, we fought and have heard (voice) from him since. I have sent him and email a year later and he told me to leave him alone and move on.
I ended up taking a job out of town for 9 months hoping being away would help me deal with it better but it didn't. When I got back his parents kept asking me to visit. So I did. That's when I found out he was engaged and getting married on an island after they saved up the money. I was devastated. I said to his mom he should get his stuff that is still at the house. She text him. He responded to her and asked why. She said she didnt know. He then asked if I was selling the house. She said what's it matter. He texted me a few hours later that he could get a truck but could only have it for an hour. I didn't respond until a few days later. The long ride home got me thinking that I wouldn't be able to handle him coming to the house which made me anxious. I text him and told him to cancel the truck. He asked why. I said you haven't need this stuff for 2 years. He said sorry for bothering you. I told him he wasn't. He asked again if he could come. I didn't reply until the next day. No reply no nothing.
It is so hard to be with someone for so long and not be able to talk to them. I am upset that he doesnt think about me or wonder about me like I do about him. I also camt get over WEATHERED the OW is and makes me feel like I was the ugly one if he is attracted to that.
Sorry for the long post but this is my battle with my brain most days. Weekends are hard for me. I have been trying to do new things but of course I have a cold which makes doing things worse. I appreciate this forum even though I don't post much but get strength from reading what others have experienced that are similar to mine. 💖💖
-
Hi So E,
I’m sorry to hear your story and your struggle. You have been dealing with this a long time. I hope finding this site will help you find strength and comfort for your healing!!!
-
So Emotional, I looked for your story and see that your BD was the same time as mine (mine was a month earlier, March 2015) and we have similarities in our stories. My H also took 7 years to propose.
I'm sorry to hear you also have a vanisher and yet another foolish MLCer who plans to marry the OW. How long after your BD did you get divorced? How long has it been since you've had contact with him?
-
Hi Nas. The divorce was final December 22, 2015 and 7 days latter my mom passed away. I text h ok m she passed ans all he said was sorry. That posses me off because my mom was good to him.
I really haven't had contact with him other than the last text (November 2017) about him getting his stuff. We live about 20 minutes away from each other but you would think it was hours. I have not seen him at all.
I guess what keeps me cycling is he asked me to wait and the fact when he contacted me back in March 2016 he said he f'd up and made a mistake. I just dont know anymore.
Some days I feel as if I have nothing. My parents are both gone. I have older brothers and sisters but only one brother talks to me. Talking to him I get the "GET OVER IT" speech. I am more devastated over the MLC than I am about my mom. How f's up is that?
Sorry for the long post and rant again. Thanks for the support!!
-
I have older brothers and sisters but only one brother talks to me. Talking to him I get the "GET OVER IT" speech.
Oh yes, very common for the semi-vanishers to say some kind of version of this. Probably second to ILYBINILWY.
He wants YOU to "get over it" so HE won't feel guilty anymore.
Doesn't work that way pal. Your guilt is selfish and due to your own actions and feelings only.
-
I got the ilybinilwy 6 mths after bomb drop as was coming home. Then the other 9 times he left for other woman I got “ it’s easy at hers, you don’t understand as I work with her, and then you need to move on! Really! And you’ve moved on so well that you returned 10 times! Now a vanisher from his entire family includes his 2 beautiful Children. I don’t think he will even get them a b day card in 2 wks as he didn’t get one. He is teenager mode! I won’t cuz they didn’t. I’m not texting cuz the never text me and now they can only email apparently as ow got him a new phone and we not allowed it. Xx
-
I have not seen sign of mine since bd
Aug 15 no messages nothing he just pays half morgage so complete vanisher.But I have now contacted him as I want to sell up and start divorce to protect myself I texted him and it took him 48 hours to reply
-
Did he reply civil poowoo? Xx
-
Yes he did he replied he could meet next week when suited me.I feel so nervous meeting up but I will put my big girl pants on and just show how well I'm doing even if inside I'm screaming WHY
-
Wow. poo woo
Have you had a chance to get legal advice?
It might help to do that in advance to get you prepared and confident.
Speaking of which, confidence is attractive, so give it your best shot to request what you want with confidence and no expectations. Please Don't mention OW. Don't give her any relevance whatsoever. She is his problem.
After more than 2 years with ZERO communication (believe me I know). One meeting does not mean any decisions have to be made or finalized. I'm pleasantly surprised he will meet you in person.
Mine divorced me without any meeting and I never even heard his voice in the process. After BD he vanished thoroughly...also he divorced me with no say in the matter. Zero. very sad that a husband could do that with his wife, but it happens, I'm living proof.
Wishing you the best with this next part of your journey.
-
I have seen a solicitor and got advice I have decided I want to be in control so I am starting divorce He doesn't know this yet I'm still waiting for a answer back on the day I said I can meet.
I have had a promotion at work that now puts me in the position that when we sell I can afford to buy on my own but I have been advised to divorce him to protect my self financially.
I will let you all know the outcome
There will be no talk about us I am just going to discuss the house business only nothing else
-
Try and stay only to business. They love to start drama...
I have a front row seat to the craziness of the vanisher right now. Puffy protected assets like the pentagon. He would get extremely vicious when the reality of his losing half and potentially damaging the facade of being the wealthy, Ricky rescue to his ows, become inevitable. Protect yourself and your finances. I paid dearly for it. In my situation, it's why he behaves the way he does.
The vanishing puffer has yet another ow. Seriously, he's disgusting and his choices certainly reflect it. Ewwwwwwwwww..... Yuck.... I know this one... O m g.... It's taken almost 4 years, 3 since he left, for all of his ows to come out of the closet. Sadly, s is watching and just shakes his head. He's counting the days and pennies to move out as soon as possible.
S said last night, I'm glad he's giving me a place to live but it was better when he just disappeared.... They've had major arguments and s knows he's more mature and just all around a better person that his dad is...
It's a double edged sword. Either way, he's still a massive, miserable pain the a$$!!! I think the karma bus lost his address!!!
-
Is this normal for a vanisher. H has agreed to change divorce to 2 yr separation on 20 th feb and I did my initial mediation on 21st feb. I have heard no more re divorce and he has booked his mediation for April! I emailed to ask him to do ASAP so complete opposite and ow was desperate for his divorce. I have no idea why the delay. Perhaps money. Still nothing to any email I send asking him to speed things as I want financials sorted before divorce finished and still no contact with kids. Their b days next week and I have no idea if he will send anything xx
-
Very normal. Sometimes The Leaver didn’t show up at scheduled hearings and somehow blamed me.
:o
-
Phoenix
It maybe your H is trying to delay stuff BUT I think, in your sitch, the Ow is in charge.....BUT maybe your MLC'er in his own way, is trying to get some control and slow things BUT it also could be they don't have the money to proceed at this time....I got caught in that trap too...
In my case OW had control over H's email, bank accounts, phone and basically everything and H let her because ...well he is in MLC :o
and what I thought was H trying to hold things up was more to do with them not having money to proceed, as soon as the money become available pressure from Ow was on and H signed the papers (even though he sobbed to me that he did so) crazy eh!
All I wanted to say is try not to read anything into the actions of two fncked up people
I know your H is involved with a 'special one' too...and believe me anything you think is happening you wouldn't come close to predicting as what is actually going on in the schmoopie universe is far sicker, far more childish and far more ridiculous than anything you could imagine xx
BTW I read your previous update from work regarding no response to email and OW posting and I think your H's OW monitors his email
-
I think your right 1t. H no longer has a phone apparently as last text to son was if son wants contact will have to be by email which means she took a phone contract out for him. She has done this before. How they don’t have the money I don’t know as nearly £60000 a yr between them and they don’t have to pay rent or mortgage. I will just have to wait. I think I am getting restless to have him face me in mediation so I can have my say and show that I will not budge on boundaries, financials and I am strong. Prob stupid really. Xx
-
No not stupid Phoenix all natural
I think mediation is a very smart move and when I finally threatened that (after OW shenanigans) OW stopped Pi$$ing about and wasting money on legal costs because she did not want me to be in a room with H where she had no control...
They are scared of us phoenix that's why she has taken the phone away (your situation is very similar to mine)
and if your OW is a sociopath (like mine is) she will spend spend spend, have no regard for authority or the law, no feelings, no guilt and will need constant stimulation because they get easily bored because of low dopamine levels....(which is why they make perfect partners for MLC'ers because they are two empty people together)
As I have said before I do not agree with what people say on here about OW being nothing but a bandaid
because in cases where the OW is a BPD sociopath or other disorder this is far from true IMO..
the OW in a lot of these situations are the one's running the show and if you have kids or if you are trying to work out a financial settlement, or divorce, then you really need to know who you are dealing with and read up about these people. Because in MLC our spouses will relinquish all responsibility to these people
So you need to arm yourself with knowledge abaout them because IMO if you don't you could make things far worse for yourself.....you can provide them with the drama they crave, you can give them reactions they yearn for .....and you could poke the dragon and these people do not care about anything or anyone......
If you understand them then you can ensure you don't give them any of the things they crave, you can know their weaknesses and you can out wit them and save yourself a lot of heartache in the process..
I wish you well x
-
Thanks 1t. Yes I believe ow running the show. I emailed last week to ask him book mediation and pay my solicitor as I need the money for new electric box as some plugs disconnected as went up in flames and I have the children’s safety to consider, plus I don’t have £600 to do but if he pays solicitor I will get refund. No reply but 4 hrs later ow posts on her business page a video of stop complaining your alive! No idea if aimed at me or h. If me yes we alive but next time a plug goes we might not be! Stupid woman. X
-
Rising it would be quite the coincidence if her post were not related to what you wrote your H. I have one of those OW who run the show, H kind of confirmed it to my D. They read everything, have all control of our H's finances and who they pay, definitely not us, we don't deserve a penny. They control our H's phones and computers. They are always there in the background.
-
I had a friend comment in passing in a conversation how her H and mine have no sentimental attachment to us at all. She is going thru a nasty divorce. I do not believe her H is in MLC.
I questioned what she meant. She knows my entire story as she has witnessed it first hand. She just said if a man can walk away and vanish, he never loved you in the first place so why would he share any sentiments towards our time together.
It took my breath away.
It made me question (again) my history. Was my entire marriage/pre marriage a lie? Am I the delusional one?
Her H has not disappeared. In fact, he is the opposite. He is doing everything in his power to let her know he is alive and thriving without her. He is fighting the divorce at every turn. I would say he does have an attatchment to her. Maybe not a healthy one. But an attachment non the less.
Mine just avoids the divorce and me to all extremes.
But now I sit here and question my life....
-
Living With Hope - that troubles me too - my h has vanishing qualities and unless I contact him first he never contacts me and is slow to answer if at all
except once lately and seems to not care about our entire history together - now that makes me wonder. I talked to another wife recently - husband in MLC left her 10’Years ago when they were divorcing she asked him - what about the memories of our 25 years ? Don’t t you ever think of that - and he said he NEVER thinks of that. Makes me wonder if they ever do love or was it a really long acting job? In my heart I do not want to believe that.
Hugs: IF
-
Living, this thought troubles me, too. I think most of us fear this. I think this is why MLC and BD are so much worse than a 'normal' spouse leaving. With MLC the spouse denies he ever loved his wife. That makes our whole life a farce .We could have been spending that time with someone who actually cared.
-
Was my entire marriage/pre marriage a lie? Am I the delusional one?
You tell me.
I really don't know for sure if my husband thinks of me, if he really ever loved me, if he does or does not love her. Actually his thoughts and feelings are really none of my business.
In turn, he doesn't get to decide how I feel about him. He doesn't get to decide if or when I will ever "get over it", he doesn't get to decide how MY story will end.
Am I the delusional one? Maybe.... but I still get to feel however I want to feel about MY memories.
-
I have a slightly different take on the vanished / never loved concept.
I often think (and believe) he, in fact, did love me.
Case in point: He loved me and he married me to fulfill that love.
Since he once loved me, there is the strong possibility he will reappear at some point.
This may be some backwards-thinking logic, and yet I can't seem to derive another conclusion.
This doesn't mean that I wait around, pining away for him, knitting doilies on the patio,
singing "sooner or later you're gonna be hangin' around..."
I just live my life and do what I can to make the best of it.
-
...either that or he had some gaping hole in his tiny "Grinch" heart and tried to fill it up, using marriage as a farce that didn't work.
Hahaha - who knows! ;)
-
Mine wasn't always a vanisher. He used to be a clinging boomerang.
He had a vanishing moment for 8 months over 3 years ago. When he returned he took me out on a date. That night and some other emails/text he said he never forgot me. He missed me something fierce. He never gave me any explanation other than he was sick. He felt he was mentally ill. He needed help. He had no real reason to run away. He claimed then that he loved me. He never stopped and he never hated me.
(one previous time when I questioned his hatred for me...he said "you make me be cold to you." Always my fault)
Each time I did try to approach to get further details, I was shut down by anger or tears and accusations. It was too hard or close to him. He would then fling suicide or just anger at me. So I stopped. Then he found a new OW to run away with and the kids busted him on that.
It will be 2 years soon that I have not heard his voice. I have seen him from afar and I have had to text him a handful of times. He does not answer.
For all intent and purposes, I am dead to him.
This bothers me. I am living my life as best as I can now. But I often wonder what does it take to kill off your wife and why? Is it because the love is still there but you can't face what you have done so this is how you survive? or is it that i never mattered at all.
I read about narcissistic behaviour and if you go by that, I never mattered at all.
That is a hard thing to swallow after 30 years.
-
Well Living, never mind the articles or what other people say, what is YOUR gut feeling?
-
Mine wasn't always a vanisher. He used to be a clinging boomerang.
He had a vanishing moment for 8 months over 3 years ago. When he returned he took me out on a date. That night and some other emails/text he said he never forgot me. He missed me something fierce. He never gave me any explanation other than he was sick. He felt he was mentally ill. He needed help. He had no real reason to run away. He claimed then that he loved me. He never stopped and he never hated me.
(one previous time when I questioned his hatred for me...he said "you make me be cold to you." Always my fault)
Each time I did try to approach to get further details, I was shut down by anger or tears and accusations. It was too hard or close to him. He would then fling suicide or just anger at me. So I stopped. Then he found a new OW to run away with and the kids busted him on that.
It will be 2 years soon that I have not heard his voice. I have seen him from afar and I have had to text him a handful of times. He does not answer.
For all intent and purposes, I am dead to him.
This bothers me. I am living my life as best as I can now. But I often wonder what does it take to kill off your wife and why? Is it because the love is still there but you can't face what you have done so this is how you survive? or is it that i never mattered at all.
I read about narcissistic behaviour and if you go by that, I never mattered at all.
That is a hard thing to swallow after 30 years.
Living, my story exactly. I had a clinging boomerang and nothing for 8 mths unless via solicitor. No reply to any ails, I am blocked via mobile. No contact with s14 and d14. I have no idea what to think. His divorve and I have to go along on the ride. Xx
-
My gut feeling is that I matter (ed), that he can't face so he continues running and to be honest I think he really likes this new person he has invented for himself so why stop.
That what I see is him trying to destroy me is him desperatly trying to forget me.
But I can't say that out loud to the world as I am scorned for that. I am thought to be the delusional one.
So it causes me to question my life, my life with him, my choices, my reactions.
I know the man I married and raised a family with. He would never walk away from his children or not put them before himself in the manner he is. But the outside world and his family even accept it as is. His Family knows there is something wrong but right now are so happy he is being taken care of by her that they accept his truths (whatever that is right now as we no longer discuss him when we talk)
I am embarrassed and ashamed that this is my life. How is it he isn't?
-
As they have vanished living we don’t know whether they question anything or what they feel or think. All we can do is move forward. My h family cut my children and I off also as it was too stressful for them apparently. My in laws have not seen their only grandchildren for over 3 yrs.
At some point you have to stop questioning your life with h as it holds up your healing imo. I had what I had and now I don’t so my focus is my children and making a nice home for them. I still cycle sometimes at xmas and kids b days but I can’t change anything and I can’t do anything about h. As the title of my thread, silence is deafening.
I have to believe 30 yrs together meant something but now he is broken and he thinks I am the problem. I’m not and it’s his loss.
Hugs xx
-
I think this issue is a hard one for all of us, and very personal. For me, it's been a combination of a few things - all accepting that STBXH may see things quite differently and I'll never know. Firstly, being really honest about looking back and deciding for myself who I think my H was. Secondly, that his 'reality' may have changed but I have the right to decide on mine because it was my life too...and my judgement and gut instincts are good enough. Thirdly, because my mother has dementia, it's a reminder that the present does not erase the past; both are true. The fact that usually my mother does not remember loving me or who I am now doesn't change that she loved me very much for 50 years.
Do I have days of doubt about my H? Yes...but I fight through them because I don't want his MLC to take my happy memories even if it has taken his. It might be my own funny version of standing. :) The STBXH who wouldn't cross the street now to spit on me if I was on fire is real...the H who drove like a madmen after he flew into one airport to turn up at another in order to surprise me for an hour with coffee before I flew out for a long work trip was real too. I miss him and I was blessed to have that partner for 18 years.
-
Hey, just checking in b/c I don't want this thread to disappear like our husbands. ;)
Mine posted on a mutual friends Facebook this morning, so I know that yes, he is alive. ;D
Other than that....YAWN,.... which is a good thing.
Hope everyone is planning on making this long holiday a good one.
:)
-
Hey, just checking in b/c I don't want this thread to disappear like our husbands. ;)
;D ;D ;D
My vanisher is still vanished. Big surprise. I'm sure he's got plenty of time to golf and go to the beach and dine out. You know...the important things in life. No time to think about the cancer-stricken wife he financially devastated and then walked out on.
-
Aw man, Nas.
Your husband more than most, either really did get taken over by an alien or has a watermelon sized lump of guilt inside of him that is growing bigger each day.
-
Aw man, Nas.
Your husband more than most, either really did get taken over by an alien or has a watermelon sized lump of guilt inside of him that is growing bigger each day.
I honestly don't know. He's been living with OW now for almost 2 years. They started as an EA 3.5 years ago.
That's a pretty decent amount of time. He can't possibly still be in the completely drunk-with-euphoria, blind infatuation phase where he is so consumed with her "perfection" that he can't see anything else.
The last time I saw him face to face was right before he moved away to be with OW, in May 2016.
I asked him why he was not doing anything about divorcing me since he was moving so far away to be with her.
Immediately after I asked the question, his shoulders slumped, he literally physically lurched, shook his head slightly, stared at his feet and his eyes filled with tears and he didn't say one damn word.
A year later, right before I was diagnosed, I texted him to let him know I'd emailed him after a meeting with my lawyer. He didn't respond at all about any D/legal stuff, but texted me nonstop for two hours, telling me about his weekend job at a golf course.
Funny enough, that text conversation started with him telling me all about a teenage girl who golfs there who used golf to get her through her very tough battle with cancer. He proudly called her "really something else."
Then I got diagnosed with cancer just about 3 weeks after that. And he vanished. I got one text last summer on my birthday - happy birthday "from the dog," not from H. Then he was completely gone. Now I don't even know his phone number anymore.
I don't know how he can be living his life every day, getting up and going to work, doing mundane things like going to the grocery store, going to dinner and doing whatever else he does as if everything is fine. I just don't get it.
Does he ever think about how cruel it is that he changed his phone number while I'm fighting for my life?
Does he ever think about the fact that at some point we're going to have to get legally divorced?
Does he ever wonder how he would feel if I die?
-
Does he ever think about how cruel it is that he changed his phone number while I'm fighting for my life?
Does he ever think about the fact that at some point we're going to have to get legally divorced?
Does he ever wonder how he would feel if I die?
No one for sure can answer these questions. Even if he told you (like my ex did), you would still have doubts.
My heart tells me that, yes, they do think of all these things.... every. single. day.
When they are driving, when they are taking a shower, when they are falling asleep.
Yes, even if you never ever see each other again, I really do think they are thinking of these things.
-
That's the funny thing about this idiot vanishers. Do they not realize they are actually prolonging their own suffering by just disappearing into their new lives? By taking off without doing anything the right way, they put themselves in the position of having to think about their own sh*tty behavior every time they think about their old life.
I guess I don't truly understand compartmentalization. Because if I had to think about those things every single day and keep having to push the thoughts away and smother the guilt, I literally wouldn't be able to get through the days for very long. Yet these people go on for years and years.
-
Nas that is awful.
Mine replied to an email last week! Very formal. It was d Birthday just over a week ago. He dropped cards through the door for d and son (sons was Sunday) at 10.30pm after d had gone to bed. Her b day had finished. D wouldn’t put her card up as she thought h hadn’t purchased it as something ow would buy. ( d is rock teenager all in black and was 13.) card was a pink unicorn and verse was about sunbeams and enchantment.
They rec’d No present. Nothing. I emailed h at work the next day to ask if he purchased card. He replied that he had and had chosen one that wasn’t too mushy as that would be inappropriate! WTF!
I replied asking about a present and that I thought after 8 mths he would be more willing to contact his children. He replied that he is happy to take the children out and always has been but that was their decision! I replied that is somewhat difficult as he has changed his phone no and no one knows it.
I sent a couple more emails and asked for a meeting before mediation to discuss the children but he was back to ignoring me. That eve ow spent most of the night putting abusive quotes on her business page and put up a photo of him and her just to remind me h is hers!
I was rather p***ed off that they could buy a brand new motor bike the month before but couldn’t even give his children a birthday present. Xx
-
Disgusting, RP, that's the only way I can describe their behavior. The OW in your case sounds just gross.
He might have actually picked out the card himself, because my understanding is they often still think of their children as much younger than they are. As crazy as it seems, he could still be thinking of your d as the age she was the first time he left.
Not surprised he went back to ignoring you when you asked about stuff pertaining to mediation/D. Mine hardly ever responded to anything about that stuff and now he's just made it so I can't even ask him. Don't know his phone number or his current email address anymore.
-
Mine still in Vanishlandia. Completely avoiding me. I also imagine him off on a lovely break somewhere with OW so he can forget his real life troubles and just focus on how much he likes her.
Only contact he had with S13 yesterday was to tell him to tell D20 to check the emails and messages he sent her (about suing her and wanting D to promise never to be mean to OW ever again if he is to take away his charge). D has blocked him.
No mention to S13 about seeing him over the Easter break.
-
Ow is awful nas. I believe one quote is regarding my children. If I knew for sure then I would be saying something! Leave my children out of it. The quote said never chase love affection or attention as if it’s not given freely it’s not with having. Just seemed a very good coincidence the same day I had emailed re kids and stated that it wasn’t their decision.
Another was ignore their lies, opinions etc and stay true to love and your authenticity and shine like you always do. Then the couple pic with h wearing a huge fake camera smile! Sick bag please!
Yest quote was “ I can’t unf**k someone, I can’t rake back things I’ve said, I can’t walk on water or being someone back from the dead. No matter how many times I go to sleep, I never wake up perfect so before you point fingers make sure your hands are clean!
I’ve not said a word. I’m not on social media. I asked the his kids and I don’t think it’s unreas to ask for a meeting. I didn’t expect any reply so it rather upset me I did. Sort of shook me. Xx
-
Milly I just can’t beilve how. Man can sue his daughter! He is way in pink sparkly unicorn fantasy land! Xx
-
That's the funny thing about this idiot vanishers. Do they not realize they are actually prolonging their own suffering by just disappearing into their new lives? By taking off without doing anything the right way, they put themselves in the position of having to think about their own sh*tty behavior every time they think about their old life.
I guess I don't truly understand compartmentalization. Because if I had to think about those things every single day and keep having to push the thoughts away and smother the guilt, I literally wouldn't be able to get through the days for very long. Yet these people go on for years and years.
The last time I physically saw my ex (maybe six months ago??? I'm not even sure, we met at a bank for paperwork)....
we were talking about my son's counseling and he admitted to me that he was thinking about getting some anti-anxiety meds, whether or not he ever did.... I doubt it.
Anyways.. at the time we were talking pretty regularly. Then when I found out that my daughter was going to be involved in his wedding, I flipped out on him and accused him of not needing meds but needing to start living an authentic life. I brought up things like him admitting that he feels like he is living someone else's life my quote, "these are YOUR words...."
That's when he went back into hiding. Once I shot him between his eyes with his own direct quotes of feeling sick because of his own choices and guilt.... he went quiet.....again.
-
I saw my vanisher last week at d's concert. Neither one of us acknowledged each other. Pretty sad considering you spend half your life with someone. He picked d up last night for his weekend. My boyfriend's car was in the driveway. I wonder if my xh had a tinge of anything? Anything at all?
Mlc is so weird.
Nas, I am pretty sure your vanisher takes the cake for most disgusting mlcer. I am sorry he is so cruel :(
-
I don't post much, (so this is probably too long :) ) but I do read along fairly regularly - addicted to the site, hoping for names I recognise to post, still hoping those LBS will have the ending they want.
Haven't seen my xH in person since Dec 2015, last text convo was June last year (when he stole the last £200 out of our bank account), think he qualifies as one of those near vanishers. I do hear about him very, very occasionally, hence my post today.
I met my SIL who visited xH yesterday and me today. She doesn't keep her visits to me a secret any more and will tell him she's having coffee with me. She lives 2.5hrs away so we don't see each other regularly. He's still away with the fairies, no further along than I suspect he ever will be, but then again what do I know. I believe I really am detached and whilst I craved info about him, it didn't affect me. She doesn't offer info, I had to ask a few questions.....e.g. I do hope he's happy, I don't want to see him in the gutter (like his D28 does) BUT I really don't want his relationship with OW (his W#3) to work. So I asked.....is he happy? (I was prepared for 'yes' but I didn't get that.....phew!)
She said she can see he's not happy, he has issues (but didn't elaborate), he truly is infatuated with OW son 4yrs. Everything is about him. SIL said H & OW went to a wedding and Boy4 was dancing, xH wanted to show my SIL the video.....she has no interest in the child, he's not even her nephew.
xH was working today and was hoping SIL would spend the day with OW & boy4 - SIL said no-way, she'd made plans and was going for coffee with me! She tolerates OW but has no interest in spending time with her, they have nothing in common. She said xH is desperate SIL to stay at his home, but she doesn't want to. They (xH & OW) have no friends. He has no contact with any of our old friends, in fact he has no contact with anyone that knows me.
SIL said OW was p!ssed off and told a story that xH, OW & Boy4 had been to town for lunch. OW went to the bathroom, came back and xH had bought food for himself and Boy4, nothing for OW. SIL said he has no thought for her at all.
Another thing is xH is a Police Officer, he can't wait for the next 5 years to fly by and he can leave the force, he hates his job. Well I could have been knocked over with a feather, he was so proud to be in the force and his job was his life - he will be 55 in 5.5 years and I don't think the pension will be enough to live on. (He has been in the force since 2009 and joined when he was 40yrs old). OW has no plans to get a job and SIL believes xH is pleased about that - obviously (to me) he doesn't want her having a life.....she might meet someone and leave him. MIL has warned him the relationship won't work, there were 21yrs between her and xH's dad and MIL had countless affairs.
SIL said she had a proper look around xH's home (this was a rental that he and I bought) she said it's now a replica of my home. Downstairs bathroom, upstairs bathroom, master bedroom, all the same as mine - she said it was a bit freaky. My friend (xH's dearest and oldest friend, whom he dropped) said he doesn't know how to build anything else, but really, fixtures and fittings, taps and sinks, you'd choose something different - well I would.
I said to SIL we have a GD that is just a couple of months older than Boy4, shame he couldn't have waited for her to move closer to us before going into crisis, but SIL said he get's called 'daddy' - far better than 'grandad'. So xH, still deluded, farther away from me than ever, and right now, I'm ok with that.
Me - I have a good life, nothing to complain about, I have my children/grandchildren (and his), I have all our friends, I have new friends, including some very special ones from this site. I still want what I can't have (this to have never happened) but it has. Much as I would like xH to contact with.....what....apologies/feelings of love? I don't know.......but I know that IF that did happen, I would listen, say thank you, and wish him well. He is not going to be part of my life going forward. I love him, I think I always will - but I need to continue to move forward. I know someone (whom I talk to regularly from this site and is an amazing, knowledgable lady) will say, never say never and who knows what the future will bring.....so before you say anything......I'll cross that bridge if I ever get there ;)
So apologies for the lengthy update, I just wanted to log for my reference. Now I need to make my 78yr old dad a cup of tea.......he's up for the Easter weekend and has been in good spirits so far.... long may it last!
Happy Easter for those that celebrate.
Topsy
-
I can't tell you enough how grateful I am that people like you drop back in here and post updates. Thank you so much, Topsy.
I need to go back and find your old threads and read your journey. So your MLCer married the OW. Mine did as well.
How lovely for you that your SIL has remained in contact with you and thinks so highly of you. Nice that you could have a meet up with her and even nicer that she told her brother why she couldn't hang out with OW and boy4.
I do hope you'll continue to check in here and update. Your life sounds good. That is nice to hear.
-
Thanks for the update, TT, we love hearing from you. :)
-
Thanks Still and Nah
its good to check in once in a while. I dont know what the future is with our vanishers but we can have some fun whilst they are away. Some days I struggle to remember his voice and the fun times so I stop trying and do something else instead.
Onwards and upwards.
Tops
-
Vanisher Update!!!!!
<<< crickets >>> <<<crickets, crickets, crickets>>>
Well, why would I expect anything else?
He did D me and it was probably the fastest D on this side of the equator.
So there's nothing really to report on him, just stuff about me.
My ghost's birthday was recently.
I sent him an email to wish him a happy last day of being his previous age :)
I didn't say anything beyond that and attached a picture of our dog. <<<crickets>>>
I think I do have this expectation he will eventually reappear and I cant figure out why.
Probably because of the way he left and vanished -- that utter surprise!
I mean... who DOES that??
(I did hear a story about a woman who's husband left to grab a cup of coffee and never came home. She filed a missing persons report on him and thought for several months that something horrible had happened to him. He was found a year or so later via his SSN living in a different state and had just left and started up a new life)
At least I got a 2 sentence note from mine and then D 1.5 years later.
Geeezzz I should move on, right?
I think I have this looming expectation I'll get surprised again. I guess that's just my PTVD
I do talk to MIL. She calls me and we talk about our lives and not about him. It's all very strange.
I have similar feelings to Topsy's.
I want him to contact ... give an apology... show a regret... that final letter that arrives in the mail explaining why.
But I can't imagine him back in my life. How could I let someone so cruel back in - and why do I even think these thoughts?
I was talking to a couple of close friends about these thoughts and feelings, and how I just don't really feel free.
I feel this sense of responsibility. I pray for him all the time and he's always more than in the corner of my mind.
I'm not sure if I will ever feel free.. even if I sought an annulment.
I probably need to go see a shrink to work through this :o
-
Hi all
Can I ask if anyone has had a clinging boomerang that vanished whether they became a clinging boomerang again or reconnected or did they remain in vanish land.
I just wondered xx
-
Nas, I am pretty sure your vanisher takes the cake for most disgusting mlcer. I am sorry he is so cruel :(
The worst part is that he wasn't cruel before. Right before I got diagnosed, he actually had opened up more than he had in the previous few years, texting me and telling me a few details about his new life.
And then he texted me on my birthday for the first time since BD. And then...POOF...he vanished. There was no monstering or cruelty leading up to it. He just disappeared. Makes it so much more confusing.
-
Saw this today on my FB feed:
BLESSING FOR UNREQUITED LOVE
A blessing on the eyes that do not see me as I wish.
A blessing to the ears that can never hear the far inward footfall of my own shy heart.
Blessings to the life in you that will live without me, to the open door that now and forever takes you away from me, blessings to the path that awaits you, joining with another.
A blessing for the way you will not know me in the years to come, and with it, a blind outstretched blessing of my hands on anything or anyone that cannot ever come to know me fully as I am, and therefore, a blessing even, for the way I will never fully know myself, above all, the deepest, kindest wishes of my own hidden and untrammeled heart for what you had to hide from me in you.
Let me be generous enough and large enough and brave enough to say goodbye to you without understanding, to let you go into your own understanding. May you always be in the sweet central, hidden shadow of my memory without needing to know who you were when you first came, who you were when you stayed and who you will become in your freedom now that you are passed through my life and gone.
~David Whyte and Many River Press 2018
-
Oh my goodness CallingHeart, that is so beautiful and so appropriate and made me cry buckets.
-
Hi all
Can I ask if anyone has had a clinging boomerang that vanished whether they became a clinging boomerang again or reconnected or did they remain in vanish land.
I just wondered xx
I've been on this site for almost five years. From what I remember, yes, it is common for many MLCers to change "types", and what I have noticed those who change types often go from clinger/boomerang to vanisher.... usually because of pressure from the other woman, I haven't really seen vanisher to clinger/boomerang. Your husband seems typical where he is too weak to put up a fight. To be honest, there are very few reconciliations on here especially from the vanishing husbands. Not that it's not possible, I just haven't seen any that I can remember.
I know this is extra tough on you, almost like a new bomb drop where you almost have to start over in counting how long since he left, again, it's like a new bomb drop date.
The good news is (as good as I can make in anyways), is the pain of the LBSers of vanishers is like ripping off a band-aide. Yes, I believe it is more painful at first. Almost like going cold turkey off of Heroin.... BUT.... in the long run, you will see, you will heal faster.
Will he come back? Easier said than done but don't focus on that. He came back, what? 10 times? I never went through that craziness but he really did you no favors but keep you in an eternal "pick-me dance". Now he's is gone... put his memory in a box and get out there and dance. This is YOUR time. Live so damn big that if he does come back, you just might not care.
-
This isn't the situation with my H, but for those of you where your H became a vanisher because of pressure from an insecure OW, I often think that even though you can't see it, the resentment must build and build over the years. The more the MLCer is forced to give up to appease the OW, the more I'm certain that at some point, they will grow to resent the OW and blame her for how they feel.
At some point, they have to realize that what they did was supremely sh*tty and cowardly and then they feel guilt and shame and they can't reconcile those feelings because they vanished and now they can't talk to the LBS about it, so it just compounds and they have to keep trying to smother the knowledge that they're sh*tty cowards to keep it out of their mind.
When they felt like crap in the marriage, they blamed us. When they continue to feel like sh*tty cowards for vanishing and causing way more damage than was necessary, who are they going to blame? Not themselves. Who made them vanish? Who pressured them to do such a sh*tty, cowardly thing?
It might take a long time, but I really do believe in those cases, they will come to blame the OW and the resentment will cause the relationship to implode.
-
Great advice, nah!
-
Nas, I liked your reply. I do feel that everything you said has to be true. The problem is how long will it take for one of our MLCers to reach that point. Of course, that's the gamble for us LBSs. When it's my vanishing MLCer, I only see doom, when it's someone else's, I see the script, the typical MLC phases. It's all so difficult. It makes me think how torturous it must be to be a parent of a kid who has disappeared or been abducted.
-
This isn't the situation with my H, but for those of you where your H became a vanisher because of pressure from an insecure OW, I often think that even though you can't see it, the resentment must build and build over the years. The more the MLCer is forced to give up to appease the OW, the more I'm certain that at some point, they will grow to resent the OW and blame her for how they feel.
At some point, they have to realize that what they did was supremely sh*tty and cowardly and then they feel guilt and shame and they can't reconcile those feelings because they vanished and now they can't talk to the LBS about it, so it just compounds and they have to keep trying to smother the knowledge that they're sh*tty cowards to keep it out of their mind.
When they felt like crap in the marriage, they blamed us. When they continue to feel like sh*tty cowards for vanishing and causing way more damage than was necessary, who are they going to blame? Not themselves. Who made them vanish? Who pressured them to do such a sh*tty, cowardly thing?
It might take a long time, but I really do believe in those cases, they will come to blame the OW and the resentment will cause the relationship to implode.
Well if you're right on this, Nas, I sure hope I get to see it. I know without a doubt I would enjoy seeing her get treated like he has treated me.
-
H not seen s15 or d13 for 9 mths. Drops cards for xmas and b days off in the middle of the night with car running up the road with ow in it. Even does 3 point turn so doesn’t have to drive past the house. No longer gives kids presents. Xx
-
This is the place for me. I could have written most of the stories. OW in control, afraid of me........ It's crazy how much they are alike. It has to be a MLC.
I have no communication with ex and I love it. I can't trust him. I believe the original OW is gone and an embarrassed broken man is left. He's now pitiful!!!!
I'm Christian and pray that he's bombarded with memories of the life he threw away like garbage. And that his tally wacker is broken.
-
I had a clinging boomerang. He did that for a few years and then Vanished for 8 months or so because of the OW. When they broke up, he came back speaking of repair, reconciliation. But once he realized the kids were wanting accountability as well as me, he ran to find himself a new OW and he was once again, I guess a clinger.
Until the kids busted him with the latest OW. It Will be 2 years this summer that I have had any real contact with him. I don't remember what his voice sounds like. I have seen him across a hall once within those 2 years. He has stalled the divorce too. Just major avoidance.
New thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10022.0