Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: FearNot on May 08, 2018, 07:38:07 AM

Title: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 08, 2018, 07:38:07 AM
Here we go again! Another new thread!!

This time I am going with a verse that stood out to me yesterday, as I really don't know what to pray for at this point and I feel weaker than I have in long time. It always amazes me what pops up though that relates to my situation.

Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

Recap:
1st BD Oct 31/17
2nd BD Dec 27/17
H has been gone since December. Minimal contact really. H the process of moving into a basement suite rented from OW friend.

I'm in our home, we haven't been able to come to an agreement of how to deal with it. I've been to a L. I deal with nice H when OW isn't around and someone completely different when OW is answering for him. I have not had contact with most of his family since Feb (besides Gran and SIL). Yesterday I decided it was time to stop the social media crap, it hurt to much to see  BIL liking OW posts etc. I have removed H, his parents, SIL and BIL that I have no contact with and the friends that were mainly his brought into our R. I feel better about this. There is nothing I need to see there, and nothing that they need to see regarding me. Truthfully the amount of time spent on social media had drastically changed. I have tried to find more encouraging things to see like support groups, HS post, postivity etc.

I have taken a mental health day today. 2nd one since this has all happened. I look back and wonder how it is I showed up for work and functioned the days immediately after BD.  :o Yesterday and today are just tears, but I think they need to come out. I feel like, after these emails we've exchanged, the reality of how lost he is to me is very apparent. This is my time to grieve that. Let the tears flow, and perhaps move on to a new chapter.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Previous thread:  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9941.0
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Helpingme! on May 08, 2018, 07:49:28 AM
Following along FN. 
Yes, let them flow. That is good sometimes, and you WILL move on too another chapter.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 08, 2018, 08:29:28 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Fear.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 08, 2018, 09:29:37 AM
FN- Smart about the social media - energy draining for sure!  Glad you cut yourself off it for the most part. I know you will do the right thing for you have God in your life and you will get an answer.
Sending you strong support !
Hugs If
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 08, 2018, 02:13:00 PM
Thank you my friends for the support. :)

Helpingme- I AM moving on to a new chapter  :D. Thank you for that!

Today I packed up the rest of his personal belongings (clothes, shoes, hats, his family pics), only things that were strictly his. Nothing that we accumulated while together. They are waiting for him in the garage. He can take them or leave them, his choice, but it was time. I no longer need to see these things daily. Initially it felt good to still have his clothes in the closet, like any day he might be back. That's not going to happen. Time to let go. Let the empty space be empty for now. For him maybe a reality check that, this isn't a joke anymore, but most likely not in his muddled MLC brain.

I am going to reply to his email. It will be short and to the point. That he was unclear as to whether or not he wanted to sit down and do the minutes of settlement. I am willing to work with him on this, his initial email he had asked to sit down and document things ourselves, then he'd have it drafted up and our legal representatives would have us sign off on it. The minutes of settlement is just that, with a ball park cost. I plan on saying if he wants to go the the bank to see if they will approve him as a solo lender, it something that we will do together (it will give me an idea of his actual debt). This does not mean that I am 100% agreeing to this, but am willing to entertain the option. The proper legal documents would have to be in place. I won't be leaving the marital home in the meantime. Here's the name of my lawyer if you prefer to have your legal team deal directly through her. Please let me know when you plan on coming for your stuff and what you intend to take. Perhaps it can be ready and waiting for you in the garage for ease of moving.

If I get no where with this, then I will seriously look at retaining the L. That's about all I can do. The ball is in his court.

Funny enough I was made aware today (barely off social media 48 hours yet the info finds it way) that OW is turning 40 as well ( I really thought she was older, not to be mean, but she looks more mature ::)). It makes me wonder with her situation if she too isn't MLC (cheating, still living with H, abandoning children, taking the place of a W with a man on trip initially planned with said W within days of him walking out). Does that mean it's double the fun for them, because they are both in it?!?! :o Does it affect they way things actually happen? Is it normal for them to go find another MLC'er, who's just as loony tunes as they are? Would it maybe, help things implode? Or drag this crap out because they are both in the same fog? I guess there's no way to really know.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 08, 2018, 02:30:27 PM
Oh hon, I know you're trying your best to make this work, but I just don't see him agreeing to anything you suggest.

Do you really think his ow is going to allow him to go to the bank with you??  By himself??!

His initial plan was to sit down and document things together.  Do you seriously think she will let him out of her sight to sit with his wife?  By himself??!
I just don't see either thing happening, but I hope I'm wrong.

I'm just glad you packed all his things, it really is a relief after you get them out of you line of vision every day.  Good for you.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 08, 2018, 04:06:59 PM
Thunder, I fully expect him to disagree to it all, but I am going to offer. I don't expect that he will sit down (even though it was his idea in the beginning) being that OW needs to have her hand in all of it. All it is is agreeing to his initial suggestion. As for the bank, the lawyer suggested that, all I can do is throw it at him. Maybe if he's desperate enough for it, he'll agree, either way, I tried. Being she has her manipulative little talons in him pretty deep, I don't see it happening either. Once that recourse is final, then L it will be and she can gather her little legal team, only to realize he really will have nothing to offer her monetarily.

It does feel good to have packed up his stuff.  :) I feel like I gained a little control by doing so.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on May 08, 2018, 06:08:51 PM
Following along FN.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 08, 2018, 06:22:38 PM
Yes you have Fear.

Any control you can gain is good.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: moc on May 08, 2018, 08:12:07 PM
jumping on board FN.  Glad you packed up his stuff.  I might take that suggestion soon as my MLCer W is BD same time frame as yours.  Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Reinventing on May 08, 2018, 11:41:34 PM
The ball is in his court.

Remember to mentally keep the mindset that the ball is in your court as much as possible.

You have more power than you think.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 09, 2018, 07:11:01 AM
Still following along Fear.
You could be right that OW is having her own MLC - as I suspect with my H's woman.
I am not sure if it will extend or shorten the duration of their R, but I try not to focus on that because just having the OW leave might not mean they will come home.

You are doing great Fear amidst the upheaval of everything around you.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 09, 2018, 09:28:36 AM
Moc- I think we know when it's time  :). Your gut will tell you, mine sure did.

Reinvent- Thank you for the reminder. It is so easy to forget.

S66- I agree with you. The monkey brain got me yesterday! But you are absolutely correct!! Eyes off of them. Their is no point!

Update
So last night, I struggled and struggled with actually sending the email. I revised, I re read it. Revised it. Closed the email, opened the email, but I just couldn't send it.

This morning I messaged H to tell him that I have arranged for our house insurance to go month to month as he requested. He messaged back saying thanks and that he will be doing a separation agreement up in the next couple weeks, will forward it to me, we can hammer out details, and once agreed on inclusions he will have the formal copy made for us to sign by L's. I will see what he will be putting in that, and be passing it on to my L before I agree to anything.

I asked if he would mind letting me know what he was intending on picking up next week. His answer... his mail!! :o.  It's in hopes that we will figure this stuff out "reasonably soon" and he isn't really around much until the end of June. Not sure what happened there? But not going to worry about it! Not sure what the reaction will be when he sees all his stuff in the garage, but not going to worry about that either.

I think there was a reason for both the email not being sent, and for me packing up his stuff!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on May 09, 2018, 09:34:27 AM
You're right, I think there was a reason for you not to send the email. You got this FN!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 09, 2018, 09:37:00 AM
What did he mean by "his mail?"
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 09, 2018, 11:00:32 AM
All he plans on coming to get next week is his postal mail instead of stuff for his new semi permanent residence like he stated in his email.It's still being delivered to our address. I had let him know over a week ago that he had some stuff come.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 09, 2018, 11:33:15 AM
So he expects to just use your house as a storage unit for his stuff?   :-\

I just hope you have all his stuff in the garage.  At least you don't need to look at it, huh?
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 09, 2018, 11:54:39 AM
Apparently, yes?!?! But he was supposed to be moving and needing stuff?!?! But maybe she has everything or maybe he's not moving. I really don't know, either way I am glad that I don't have to deal with him hauling stuff out when I'm not home (yet).

Yup, it's in the garage.

He will walk by it when he comes through the garage to come into the house to get his mail. Maybe he'll notice, or maybe he'll think "Gee she has a lot of garbage (it's all in garbage bags)... but wait a minute, that's my suit?"  ;) ;D. I highly doubt that he would expect me to empty his half the closet and drawers, shoes, coats, hats etc. Good luck finding anything in those bags as well, if he ends up needing  something.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 10, 2018, 12:29:58 PM
Journaling/Randomness

Not much to report today. Emotionally I am in a better place. I do feel removing his items gave me some closure I needed. This weekend my mom is coming, so that will be good. We don't have much planned. We usually go buy all my plants for my pots (I have a ton) but I won't be doing that this year, due to the uncertainty of our living situation. :'(  I don't want to go and drop the money on plants and then have the possibility of having to move and deal with them, or leave them behind. The joy of living in limbo!

I also have been considering joining a ladies golf league. I love to golf, but it was something I've always done with H. I've maybe golfed 3 times without him. It makes me incredibly sad to think of doing it without him. It was always our thing! We couldn't wait for the first round of the season to happen. Now it just makes me feel like there's a rock in my chest when I think of it. There's a big part of me that is scared to do it without him, but I don't want to give up something that I enjoy so much because of the fear. My aim is terrible and he's always been the one to guide me, but maybe without him I'll have to rely on myself and get it worked out, or spend all my time in the bushes looking for my ball. :( I've been thinking a lot about how/who I could golf with and this might be my answer, as well as a good opportunity to meet other lady golfers. I guess if I can roll into some strangers house, where I knew nobody to learn a card game I had no idea about it, I can show up at a golf course and play a round with unknown peeps. At least I know how to play! The rational part of me says, save every dime for the L, you're gonna need it!! :-\

All part of moving forward...
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 10, 2018, 09:55:53 PM
FN- so glad your mom is coming to visit this weekend and I so hope you enjoy the visit. I know gardening is so relaxing - next year for sure.  Great idea on the golf -  That is such a great example of GAL - keep up the good work - you are doing so well ! 😊
Hugs: IF

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 11, 2018, 05:17:59 AM
Glad your mom is coming for a visit.
I’m sorry about you not being able to do your flowers this year, yes, living in limbo is awesome, isn’t it.
Your solution to the golfing sounds like a great plan. It won’t be the same as with your H, but I am sure you will make new friends.
Isn’t it just amazing what all is affected by our H’s crisis ?
They have no idea how their choices affect every inch of our life.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 11, 2018, 05:35:51 AM
Fear, I'm glad your mom is coming but I wouldn't worry about buying some plants.  Just don't get a lot of them.  You deserve some nice plants around you.  Pick ones you an easily move, or annuals you won't have to worry about.

A lady's golf league?  That's a wonderful idea.  You go out there and have fun with no fears.  You could make some nice new friends.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on May 11, 2018, 05:49:15 AM
I would still get some plants FN, maybe just not as many as previous years. I still need to find something to do over the summer. Grumpy and I use to go to the races, but I have this slight fear of running into him and OW while I'm there.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 11, 2018, 08:13:49 AM
Thank you If, S66, Thunder! It seems I have an all or nothing mentality on so many things, and I need to work on that. I think it is a good idea to plant some in moderation  :). As for the golf league, I'm still mulling it over, but it seems the perfect solution to my situation. Just got to bite the bullet on it.

Kitty - I hope you find something that you really enjoy. I can understand your fear of running into them. That is my worst nightmare.

I am super happy my mom is coming this weekend. I need a little mom time. I just feel bad that it seems like she ends up coming when I am at my emotional worst.  ???

Journaling/Randomness -
Warning... might be a little "Jesus-us -ey"
I know it's not everybody's deal  :D and I can respect that!

So since BD happened one of the things that I pray for on a regular basis for my H, is that God will put people in his path that will lead him to finding his faith/salvation again (he was raised in faith) and those that are contributing to his life in a negative way will be removed.

SIL has been a huge instrument in my journey of faith and our relationship has really changed because of it. SIL has been struggling with what H is doing and has been very angry/confused about her relationship with him due to his choices. Originally in our conversations SIL had said that OW would never be welcome in her house or accepted until D papers were done.

She has been praying about it a lot and keeps being lead back to how Jesus loves all sinners, and that we are not to be the judges. We should look at all people through God's eyes and show agape love. She reached out to H and invited them to dinner. SIL feels that she is supposed to do this, that she needs to be open to her B and OW. He accepted, but they haven't set a date, as H and OW are very busy.

Initially, I was really upset over this, actually borderline devastated. But the more I think about it, the more I think maybe there is a reason for it. Maybe it is an answer to my prayer? And sometimes we don't like the way prayers are answered, and this might be one of those times, but I need to look past it. Maybe she's on of those people to be in H and OW path, like she was in mine?

I have been fortunate that in this journey,  I have had prayers answered, and not always in the way I was expecting and this might be yet another example of that.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 11, 2018, 08:31:13 AM
I don't know, Fear.

I think you can be a loving person or non judgmental without intentionally, going out of your way to invite them somewhere.
That to me isn't being kind, it's accepting.  I just feel they do not have to be accepted, he's a married man committing Adultery, which is a sin.  Doesn't mean you have to hate them, just not condone what they are doing.

God can judge and punish if he wants to, but we should also follow are hearts on what is acceptable and what isn't, for us.
We have to live with our conscience.  We have no control on what others think is acceptable.

But that just my humble opinion.  If you see it differently, I applaud you.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 11, 2018, 09:24:32 AM
 I can agree with you have said as well Thunder. I like to hear other opinions. That's the beauty of this place!!

 It does feel like acceptance in some ways because it is a sin and it shouldn't be condoned, and we can do that in a loving way, without hatred.

That's why I am questioning it. Maybe it's an answer, maybe it isn't. Maybe I'm telling myself it's answer because SIL is still struggling with it and I feel bad for her and it might give her relief. I don't feel that I have the same anger towards H that she does, but I also have HS and know that so many of his actions are "MLC normal". She still just sees it as so out of character for him. The one thing I do know, is there is no point in me being devastated over it. I can't control others choices and our R will have to be separate from this choice, whichever way it goes.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 11, 2018, 11:40:57 AM
Yay!  I found your new thread! 

The closet thing... that was so hard for me.  But I did it and now I have a roomy closet!  Then I totally redid my bedroom in pink and glitter, lol.  I have NEVER been a pink and glitter girl, but for some reason it just felt right.

A friend of mine (who ended up reconciling btw) told me that when she really felt like she had to say goodbye because his behavior was so bad at that point, she "lovingly and neatly packed all his things in boxes, organized and labeled them".  She said it felt like she was having a funeral for her husband.  She was devastated doing it. Then she took all the boxes to a storage unit, paid one month's rent, let her H know where it all was and told him if he wants it, he will have to get it or pay the rent.  She said it was the most difficult thing she ever did, but in the end it was right for her.  Sometimes we just have to really move through the pain to come out the other side.

I love your Jesus-y attitude towards the situation with your SIL.  I agree with you about the prayers being answered.  That makes sense to me.  And I would also be 100% devastated to first learn of it.  But it really sounds like your SIL, may be the one good influence on him right now.  I think you are awesome!  It is one of those tweeners though.  I can truly see both sides of this.  I love your prayer.  I'm going to start saying that prayer for my H too. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 11, 2018, 10:17:34 PM
FN-  I’m here strongly supporting you!!! I know you are doing everything right.
Not being devastated is smart and it will keep you  positive in moving forward!
I do have an opinion on it for consideration. I am sure you have leaned on your SIL
for support in the past few months. I too feel you are not angry and I am the same.
One day my kids will be meeting up with h and ow as well and I hope to have the strength and grace to deal with it in a positive manner
However, if you have leaned on your SIL during the past few months and she feels driven to have h and ow over to dinner- I think that is pushing the limits.Having her brother over is fine.  You have not been separated all that long- he is committing adultery - and if she would just respect your marriage to wait it out would be better. Everyone can spin what they wish for reasons on why she would do that and I see no good coming out of that dinner for your marriage. I do know we need to accept people with flaws and sinners and I am good with that. This time next year maybe but this soon seems to be too soon. I can see you may have questions about ow and your SIL may make the situation worse by condoning the R and also reporting back to you. It will be difficult for you not to wonder. It is only human.
So since we cannot control anyone but ourselves, and your SIL goes ahead with the dinner- maybe this is the time to back away from confiding to her etc. as the whole thing may be hurtful to you.  Maybe it is wise to keep things positive with her but thinking the limiting of conversations about h might keep you feeling positive and  strong. Big hugs !! iF xx
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 14, 2018, 12:06:43 PM
Thanks for joining/supporting Family! I can't say that I "lovingly" packed his stuff. Lol. SIL does seem to be the only positive influence on him at this point. Glad you like the prayer!

Thank you IF- I agree, it does seem too soon. It's not even 6 months since he walked out. I feel like I would be more open to it if it was further down the line, but I am trying to be accepting of the fact that I can't control what others do.  I think you are correct in that conversation needs to be limited regarding H as well, especially if this takes place. I am hoping that I can meet up with SIL, and maybe have a face to face convo about this now that I've had some time to process it. I think you will certainly have the grace and strength to deal with your situation when it arises.

I do waffle on whether or not it might be God's plan or not. I'm saying my prayers of course. Might be that she is uncomfortable with continuing to stand up for what her beliefs are and fears she will compromise her relationship with her B for good. Regardless, it's out of my control.

Journaling/Randomness

It was really great to have my mom come and stay. I really needed that. I do feel bad that I was so emotional the entire time she was there. She had a hard time leaving and I felt terrible for adding to that.

We did get some flowers! Yay! They are all planted. Thank you for the support and encouragement to do this. I am glad that I did.

I did join the ladies golf league this morning, booked my first tee time next  week!! Nervous but excited!

I did message H's gran and mom, Happy Mother's Day. I struggled with it (not Gran) because I have not heard hide nor hair from the rest of his family since February, but I felt it was the right thing to do. At least I go back a "Thank You" which was more than I was expecting. Gran sent a short, chatty message.

That not so good this weekend. My cousin who has been a huge support to me had a situation this weekend. Long story short, her BF has been arrested ( she wasn't home when it went down) and charged with assault (police did it, as she wouldn't), there's a no contact order, and he is facing numerous charges including resisting arrest, uttering threats to police etc. A friend of her BF actually called the cops as he was afraid for her safety, due to the texts her BF was sending him. I spent yesterday afternoon/evening with her. Cleaned up all sorts of broken glass as he flipped out and broke a bunch of stuff (she wasn't in the home, thank you God!!). She has some bruises and abrasions, and is completely overwhelmed mentally. She's been put in touch with victim services and has been reading the info etc. I don't think she has really processed it all, of course. He has a drinking problem (this was identified a while ago, the usual story of "I'll reign it in"). This isn't the first time it's gotten heated (I've witnessed that before), apparently first time he's gotten physical.  He needed clothes, and work stuff from the home. Police said to use a third party so I took him his stuff last night. He text me after to say he wouldn't cause anymore trouble for her. I told him he needs to get his situation sorted out, find himself some help. My heart breaks for them both!! Such a long journey ahead for each of them, whether together or separate. Crazily enough, my mom and I were talking about them the night prior to all this, and I had said who much he reminds me of my ex, and I wasn't sure if it was in a good or bad way. I guess, I figured that part out now.

I've stood in her shoes and it so difficult.The crap it does to your mind and feeling so torn.The bruises and abrasions heal quickly, it's the inside that takes so long. I just don't get why there is so much brokenness everywhere? Why as people, we struggle so hard to treat each other with decency and respect? I know of more broken relationships than intact ones. It's like the new norm. The positive...as much as I dislike the feelings it brings up in me, I know it makes me more capable of empathy for them both, and to be able to support her in a compassionate, productive way. She's surrounded by anger from friends and family (natural reaction of course) but not always what you're wanting to hear at that time. It's so sad.  :'(
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 14, 2018, 09:31:33 PM
FN
So glad you signed up for the women’s golf and got some plants.😊
Also - although emotional - glad you had your mom this weekend.
Glad your cousin has been in your life for support and glad you can be there
for her now as that is heartbreakening but serious. I hope they both get some help
to deal with their lives.
There is so much negative energy in the world and not enough happiness and kindness.
To better days ahead! Big hugs and support! If






Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Whyus on May 14, 2018, 11:01:49 PM
Hi FN,

when I found out that BIL had met OM I was devistated. I felt so betrayed all over again. Its been 6 months since I found out and I have only exchanged "Hi's" with him since. It is such a shame because we got on really well for over 20 years, he was great the first 11 months after BD. This is my Problem alone but its how I deal with it. I have always been able to just "drop" People who have done me wrong in the past without hesitation, why cant I just do that with W???

I few weeks back W dropped OM on the Family at S20s birthday, her plan totally backfired on her and she has done even more damage to her R with her Boys/Parents. I totally lost it when I found out and couldnt get out of bed the next day. She can be glad that S18 and FIL werent there, it may have got messy.

I dont know what im trying to say but having Family members "Support" the BS is heart breaking, its as though they give it theyre Blessing and confirms to the MLCer that he/she did the right Thing ... its a difficult one for sure.

I love that you started playing golf again... your doing great... I packed Ws stuff in black bags too  :o
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 15, 2018, 07:56:36 AM
Thank you IF for your continued support!! Big hugs to you!

Whyus- Thank you for your support! It does feel like a betrayal and it is heart breaking to have their family member that has supported to you to a fault, turn tail and meet the OP!!  I am so very thankful that it hasn't occurred as of yet, and I am praying about  God's plan in it and the strength to deal, should it happen. I think that sometimes their family might find it easier to just accept vs. stand up for what is "right" for fear of losing the MLC'er completely. I am sorry that you lost your BIL over this, maybe down the road there is hope for a R with him. I wish I had an answer as to how to "drop" the W! I guess that's what happens when we love and are committed to the bat snot crazy MLC'ers  ;). At least her plan failed at the birthday. I think we are all familiar with the feeling of being so lost, overwhelmed and saddened that we shut down for a day  (sometimes more). I think we need to do that once in a while. The key is not to stay there! Hang in there Whyus! I'm rooting for ya!

I think perhaps we should come up with a line of LBS branded things. LBS packing boxes, black garbage bags (these seem like they'd be a top seller), maybe a magic 8 ball to give to the MLC'er since they can never make a decision? Maybe a can of room spray to cover up the smell of BS, that tends to take over sometimes? I am sure there are a ton of products we could come up with. Lol.  Feel free to toss some ideas out there! I am sure there are some good ones  ;D

Journaling/ Randomness

Not much to report here. I have been hanging with my cousin. Helping her out with a few things. Work has slowed down a little. Allergies are killing me. Tis the season. I'm thinking I should start watering the lawn, while H is still paying that bill. It only makes sense, should it come down to selling, we would want a nice lawn ::)

It dawned on me the other day that I have not seen H since January! Perhaps I have a vanisher on my hands? I haven't heard from H as of yet regarding his separation agreement, nor has he made contact to pick up his mail. I count these as  blessings, since everyday that passes is a day I spend in our home, one more day my flowers get to grow, one more day that I get to grow and one more day of MLC passed.

Hugs and Prayers my fellow HS peeps!
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FaithWalker on May 15, 2018, 12:31:53 PM
Attaching FN.  It takes me a while to get caught up, but I always do!   ;D
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 15, 2018, 02:07:13 PM
Hi FW! Thanks for attaching! It's tough to keep up with it all!

So once again H has decided to come get the mail while I am not home. Surprise! Surprise! Lol. Avoid much?

I am preparing myself for the possibility of H being a little upset by his stuff being placed neatly out in the garage  ::). I guess me not being there will give him the opportunity to go see his half of the empty closets and drawers, as well as the changes in decor.

Makes me sad that he puts so much effort into avoiding me, but that just makes him a normal MLC'er.  :-\
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 16, 2018, 08:16:20 AM
So I received H's idea of the separation agreement that he (OW) drafted up an hour after he picked up his mail from our house. My initial thought was to send it to the lawyer but it is so ridiculous that I'm not sure I want to start dishing out money paying for a response to this nonsense, which he wants a response to by Friday. It is a internet document that the blanks have been filled in on. In his email he states that he doesn't include the pensions etc, we can deal with that later. He also "forgot" the down payment AGAIN. Lol. His separation agreement has him taking on the full mortgage and the line of credit, but he withholds the amount that would be my half of the line of credit from his pension to cover it (yes, the pension that is not listed in the document). Initially in the email he refers to himself as I and by the end of it becomes "H". They clearly forgot to put it into first person throughout, when OW wrote it.  ::)

I did glean a little info as to his debt, which is good, IF he's being truthful.  ::), it's better than I was expecting. He asks for what a 16 year old would like when moving into a home. Leave the appliances, Surround system, a Big TV ( All 3 are big in my opinion), chairs to sit by the fire, patio umbrella, and his Pampered Chef Bamboo Cutting board that I bought him for his birthday at least 8 years ago ???. Oh Ya.. and his tools and sporting equipment. So... I guess he wouldn't want knives to go with said cutting board, or the BBQ, his smoker, maybe the lawnmower for taking care of the property? It honestly is laughable. <Shaking head>

He also mentioned that he wants to sit down in person to discuss this! His words were "in person discussion so we can get this settled the most amicably and expeditious way possible." ( those are words that H would never use, lol) I would be willing to do this. I have not seen him since the beginning of the year, and I feel like it is very easy for him to do this without having to look me in the eye. Perhaps it's time for a reminder of what your W looks like?!?! I would rather speak with him in person, without the OW, yakking in his ear, and editing his responses. I highly doubt that he will follow through in meeting me, but who knows.

He also threatened that he will no longer be paying the mortgage as of June 30. I highly doubt this will all be in place prior to June 30th, and if he stops paying the mortgage, he can kiss his delusional dream of taking on the mortgage alone, good bye!! That will definitely ruin his chances.There is the possibility that my cousin needs some where to go. If that happened, I could scrape by on the mortgage etc. It's just a unstable situation there as well, but maybe it's supposed to be the answer. I really don't know.

It's like he never read the email that I even sent him regarding what would need to be in place. We're just back to the bullying, and get out of my house. Lol.

Any words of wisdom out there?
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 16, 2018, 08:42:06 AM
Maybe you could send a letter saying..Please let my husband know he forgot to have you include my down payment money on your proposal.   ;D

Kidding.  Man, he just keeps going around in circles, doesn't he?  All it was, once again was a bully type letter and get out of the house, you're right.

How do you even respond to that?  Maybe just forward it on to your lawyer, let him deal with it.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FaithWalker on May 16, 2018, 05:47:05 PM
Ugh.  Definitely reeks of OW touches, doesn't it?  Yes, how does one respond to such a weak agreement?

Shows that he does not have legal representation though, if they wrote it up from the internet.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 16, 2018, 07:06:23 PM
Thunder- Man, I wish I could respond like that!

FW- It does reek of he and it really does show he hasn't talked to a professional.

ATM- we are negotiating a time to meet tomorrow night. We'll see if H follows through.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 17, 2018, 08:08:53 AM
Fear, do you think he will come alone if he shows up?  I would certainly insist on that.
Maybe show up a little late and if she is there, turn around and leave.

Are you just hammering out the settlement?  How's he going to do this without her?   ;D
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 17, 2018, 08:36:22 AM
He is coming to our home, so I would hope that he would not be bringing her. He's coming straight from a work site apparently. He made the plans last night, while working away, and I don't think she was actually there. I am fully expecting her to kibosh them!! If she shows at our home, she's not allowed in. She can wait outside, off the property.

It is to talk about the settlement! I'm not sure what he will do without his armchair "legal team" present to guide him into utter ridiculousness.  ::) I expect lots  of  squirming, no eye contact, most likely some anger, when I yet again mention the "down payment"  and he finds out that I haven't agreed to a buyout, and that he needs to come up with a much better document because this is a waste of my lawyers time (I probably shouldn't say that part)::).

I am going to put on my best Oscar winning performance. Light, lovely, no anger, no tears, no accusations, throw in as many "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'll have to think about that", etc as need be. I am saying my prayers that God will guide me, shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, show him as much agape love and forgiveness as possible and God's will be done.

I do think I will give him his special cutting board tonight when we are done. I really don't need/want it! We don't even need to mark it down for "valuation with the lawyers for later" (as he stated in his email) ;D.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 17, 2018, 09:00:11 AM
Oh you can do this.

Just be your sweet self, so he takes the image away with him.  Then when or if she tries to bad mouth you, in his head it just won't fit.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 17, 2018, 11:01:13 AM
What a lovely bully he is - NOT
Don't let him get to you Fear.
You can do it - but be sure to mention that you are wanting the down payment back.
I guarantee he will be flustered without OW whispering in his ear on what to do or say - spineless worms
I would be very surprised if he can even look you straight in the eyes.

Gosh - this is all soooooo ridiculous - where are our real spouses ?

Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers today Fear - let us know how it went
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 17, 2018, 12:42:36 PM
Thank you Thunder, that is a great way to put it!

S66- I will definitely be mentioning it. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

Well he moved up the time. And he asked if he should bring beverages??? If so what would I like? Seriously??!?!? I am at a loss. I really hope he doesn't slam a few beers and then drive, like he did the last time he was there. But I that is out of my control. His choice... he should know better with 2 DUI's already.

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 18, 2018, 07:05:58 AM
I am going to put on my best Oscar winning performance. Light, lovely, no anger, no tears, no accusations, throw in as many "I'm sorry you feel that way", "I'll have to think about that", etc as need be. I am saying my prayers that God will guide me, shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, show him as much agape love and forgiveness as possible and God's will be done.
  - I love this!

I'm very curious as to how he is going to be tonight without his armchair legal team  ;D.  I would suggest not to agree to anything at this point, just listen, get an idea as to where he is at, and if he really tries to force an answer, just say you need to sleep on it.

I can tell you with my H, I used to think of him as the most fair, his word is his bond kind of guy, but when started to try to divvy things up via email, it went south super quickly.  I tried to just point out that a couple of things might be more complicated dividing up then what we thought when we were married, and he went bezerko.  Completely unexpected.  It wasn't even referring to any large asset, but for some reason it really triggered him. 

Take care of yourself, know that you have us there in spirit and we are silently rooting for you during your discussion. 

In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 18, 2018, 09:00:10 AM
Super long post warning!!




In my last legal meeting, my niece told me that if I get scared or unsettled, to put my hand on my heart and to know that she loved me.  I did that several times in the meeting and it really helped.  So if you feel unsettled or anything, put your hand on your heart and know that you have the Hero Spouse team there with you and that we love you!  xoxox

Family, thank you so much for your post. What an awesome way to bring comfort! It brought on a fresh set of tears! Thank you I will be using this!!

Well, I did manage the no anger, no tears, no accusations. I would've like to have been a little more light and lovely, but man is that a difficult thing to do. I did manage to zip my lips when needed..I think :o.

So H showed up, with nothing of course. No papers, pen, documents or beer. Lol.  I had my file folder of documents. He was like "oh good you printed it off!"  ???

We tried to make a little small talk but ended up sitting down and getting to it fairly quickly. He was so uncomfortable. He doesn't look good, tired, weight gain, less hair...typical MLC look.

H started in right away about me accepting "him buying me out". I stopped him and said that won't be happening. He was instantly angry, arm waving, raised voice, mad. I asked if he had actually spoken to the bank and was pre approved. He said he talked to some guy at the bank and H has his ways of making it happen. I said "oh so that means you need someone to sign on with you?" I asked him what he actually made last year and he told me. I asked him to please send me a copy of his T4 as my lawyer had asked for it  ::) He started spouting about how his parents could help him, blah blah blah. I just responded, " I didn't realize they were in a position to do that, with all that has happened." ( He knows they aren't able to help him, his dad is retired, trying to get a job, because they can't afford their lifestyle). Mumbling about other people, he didn't flat out say "OW" , but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "

I told him I wanted to sell. He wanted to know why. I said because that's what I feel is best.  He ranted more, "I'm" unreasonable, "I'm" going to loose more by selling, "I" need to face the facts. He's given me ample time to figure this out. It will be around the 6 month mark in June. Plenty of time to get his sorted. "I'm"delusional and need to start communicating. "I" need to tell him what I want. "I" won't talk to him or tell him how I feel. I responded by saying I didn't think that 6 months was unreasonable amount of time to take when you are in the process of trying to dissolve an 11 year R and M. If you expect me to rant, rave, yell, be angry, bitter, because you feel that's me communicating, it won't happen. I am by no means delusional, I clearly understand that you are no longer invested in our marriage, but I am not angry at you, nor am I bitter. I love you and I always will.

He then responded with his standard "We discussed so many times our sex life and nothing changed." My response was " I hope that one day you can forgive me for not being able to be the W that you needed. I am sorry." He had no response to that.

We then carried on to.. If I don't agree to his buyout and we sell the courts will dictate that it will all be 50/50. I said no that's not true, if we have a settlement agreement in place we are able to chose. I then mentioned the down payment. He told me he's talked to "lawyers and people" and he doesn't have to pay me anything. He told me that is money already spent. I said that's not what my lawyer told me!! I was told that half of it would be invested in the marriage, the other half I am entitled to as long as I have proof, due to it being gifted money prior to meeting him. Cue more upset hand waving by him. At this point I did have to stop myself, shut up and take a minute.  He then offered to just pay me the down payment and I give him the house. I told him "I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way". He then said he would just buy the house when we put it up for sale. I said sure if you want to pay fair market value for it, that's not an issue. (Not going to happen because you have a down payment as well..)

He then threatened to quit paying the mortgage immediately. Why don't "I" just get out of the house. "I" can't afford to live there, he can blah blah blah. I told him I have been legally advised not to leave our marital home. As for the stop paying.. go ahead. Stop paying. We can go into foreclosure if that's what you would like, force the sale of the home, screw yourself and me out of ever having the chance of having another mortgage. If you feel that's your best option then by all means do what's right by you.  ::). That turned around pretty fast. All of a sudden the end of June date he had given as to when he was stopping paying was a suggestion. We just need to get things moving along. He's house poor. Can't be paying for 2 places. Poor poor H! I didn't respond to any of it.

I asked him who his "lawyers" were? Said he talked to a couple. I asked him where he got the document he sent me. He said from his lawyer. I just nodded and said "Oh Ok", as it's clearly from the internet. He asked who my lawyer was I told him. His comment was that he had never met her?!?! I'm like, of course you haven't, because if you had, she wouldn't be able to be my lawyer. They check those things. He laughed and said Ya, you're right. So ridiculous.

At one point in the conversation, I said that I clearly remember having a conversation when we bought our first home, that should something happen, I would get my down payment back and we would both be liable for our own personal debt. He agreed to the personal debt part last night, but then started mumbling about how he didn't know this would happen, never meant to hurt me, not trying to screw me over, he's probably screwing himself over more  ???. I didn't respond.

The long and the short of it was he borrowed a post it note to write down what I he needed to put in his new document. Which was pretty much what I initially emailed him. He said he'd get it done last night or first thing next week. I guess his "armchair lawyer" doesn't have plans this weekend. Lol. I said once it was done, I would be sending it to my lawyer. I will not be agreeing to anything until she looks at it and those things take time.

It then concluded with us sitting at the table. Him saying this was "awkward" (you don't say?!?!) trying to make small talk. He asked what I had planned for the weekend. Mentioned I might golf, joined the ladies league. He wanted to know if it was at the golf course we live on. Said no, it's a league that plays many courses. If I don't golf this weekend, first tee time is next Thursday. Asked if he's been out. Said no... to busy at work, on the road all the time. As he was leaving, I told him to take his cutting board that he listed as wanting in the settlement. I told him "I don't know why you would think that I would keep something that I bought you as a gift?" He said he thought his parents gave it to him. :(. I had a bag of the spicy specialty pasta that he likes as well sitting on the board. Told him to take that as well. He asked if I just didn't want it? I said no, I was at the specialty store, they had it in stock again. I know you like it so I grabbed one for you.  :). Mumbled about getting out of my hair, and leaving me to my night. Said ok. Thanks. Take Care.

Door closes, garage door closed.... and complete melt down. I just needed to release. That was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done. Sitting at a table with my H who is a complete and udder shell of the man I once knew. The once compassionate, reasonable, never riled, doesn't yell, man of his word became a hollering, angry, arm waving lunatic when he didn't get his own way. He projected, projected, projected.  It is heartbreaking, and soul wrenching. I am much better with it today. I am sad of course, uncertain of my future but I know I will be ok. I am still standing and praying. The reasons I made it through that ordeal and didn't take that cutting board and clock him upside the head a 100x is by the grace of God. He zipped my lips, gave me answers, and gave me the ability to put on my performance. And due to all those who have shared there experiences on HS and as well as privately. I am truly grateful to have so much knowledge and support available.   

Sidenote:
Later last night I texted a pic of our house document showing the down payment. He responded saying.."Let me get this straight, you are asking for this because of our verbal agreement?" I responded 'No" and again explained what the lawyer said. I got "Okiedokie" back.

Happy Friday everyone. I am sure glad it's the weekend.
Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 18, 2018, 10:30:39 AM
Oh Dear Lord Fear,

How amazing that you pulled all that off without losing your mind. I think you were fabulous.
I think they check out their brain when they go into MLC. So, let me get this straight - he actually intents to take on a mortgage to buy the marital home that he lived in with you, his wife, and the co mortgage carrier will be OW, who is still married ? Wouldn't that make her H responsible for the mortgage as well ? What kind of crazy juice is that ?

And like you, it would be a cold day in hell before the OW would live with my H in my house EVER.

Go ahead, if he wants to buy it, offer fair market value, buddy.

And I like how he never thought this would happen when he made the agreement years ago when buying your first home. Hey, buddy - this wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have jumped on the crazy train. Unreal.

You are a much better person than I would ever be to hold back on smacking him repeatedly with his precious bamboo cutting board - they are crazy - their own sub-species.

All kidding aside though, I am so very sorry that you had to go through that but you handled it like a queen. Do not agree to anything unless you run it by your lawyer.

You are a strong lady and you will be okay.

Hugs

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on May 18, 2018, 11:29:44 AM
You handled yourself fantastically FN. It really does take a whole other level of patience to deal with the MLCer when they are in victim mode, which is kind of the vibe I was getting from what you were saying of your H.

It makes me glad that Grumpy and I took care of our separation agreement at the beginning, before he stepped fully into La La Land.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 18, 2018, 03:50:32 PM
Wow! FN!  You did beautifully!!  I am so proud of you!  That must have been incredibly hard.  I could only have those conversations through email.  Wow!

Kitty made a good point about being in victim mode.  It's amazing that so many of them seem to do this.  Their sense of entitlement blows me away.


but it was very clear his intention was to put her on our mortgage. Over my dead, cold, lifeless body... will that ever happen. Who in their right mind (an MLC'er) agrees to buy a home with a woman, who is still living with her husband, and you have known them less that 6 months. I see that as manipulation at it's finest. I don't even know that bat snot bonkers covers that!! "  - I'm sitting here shaking my head at this craziness.  I mean really? I feel so badly for her husband and kids.  Geez, wtf!  Talk about "affair down"!

You are a class act in every way.  How wonderful that you gave him the spicy pasta that he likes. When all is said and done, no matter what happens, we know we behaved with dignity and true class.

Of course you're going to fall apart after a convo like that.  This is all too much to process in too short of a time.  I hope you can really treat yourself to a massage or something this weekend.  xoxo
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 18, 2018, 09:00:13 PM
That quote from family made me cry too! Wow what an awesome niece!💕I must remember that as these trials and tribulations are so hard to get through and what a lovely thought. I wonder if we took it a step further and put our hands over our hearts ♥️ and remembered the unconditional love we had for our h ( when they were pre MLC) and how much they suffer - I wonder if that would be too hard for us since we are suffering.
FN - I felt like I was there with you. I went through all the awkwardness and all the strange ideas. 
You did great FN ! I’m so glad you have this forum as well as your faith.   Such a sad situation but he will keep working through it all without you for now. Once they have spent time together - they may realize their lives are not great FN and you have continued working on yourself. You are doing so much right!  I am so sorry you have to go through all this and seeing someone you once knew act so differently!
Lots of support and big hugs! Xoxo IF

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Treasur on May 18, 2018, 10:03:21 PM
FN, I wish that I had been able to act like this earlier and more often. You are quite extraordinary, and it must have taken digging deep and tremendous courage to act as you did. A fine balance between self-respect, not denying current reality and grace. One of those times when we find a little bit more in us than we even thought we had, something to look back on with genuine pride in the future. Exhausting and emotional afterwards, but the biggest best bit of you FN...and I hope that you see that too and are as proud of you as we are.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on May 19, 2018, 02:43:03 PM

Door closes, garage door closed.... and complete melt down. I just needed to release. That was one of the most difficult things I think I have ever done. Sitting at a table with my H who is a complete and udder shell of the man I once knew. The once compassionate, reasonable, never riled, doesn't yell, man of his word became a hollering, angry, arm waving lunatic when he didn't get his own way. He projected, projected, projected.  It is heartbreaking, and soul wrenching. I am much better with it today. I am sad of course, uncertain of my future but I know I will be ok. I am still standing and praying. The reasons I made it through that ordeal and didn't take that cutting board and clock him upside the head a 100x is by the grace of God. He zipped my lips, gave me answers, and gave me the ability to put on my performance. And due to all those who have shared there experiences on HS and as well as privately. I am truly grateful to have so much knowledge and support available.   


Well done, FN, well done!  If you were to go back to one of my earliest threads in 2016 when I was going through this you would read almost verbatim what you have posted  regarding sitting at a table (the only time he was ever back in our home once he walked out at BD) with your MLCer trying to work through logistics.  It was probably the best acting job I've ever done.  I never want to conduct another "business" deal like that again! 

Kudos to you for handling that meeting like a champ. 

Continuing to support you as you traverse through this crap. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 21, 2018, 07:57:24 PM
Thank you all for your love, support and compliments! I feel like I did the best I could for the moment. Am I proud of myself? Not quite yet, but I think that will come with a little time. Trying to just accept what really went down is challenging, it feels like I've failed my marriage, and my husband, all though I know that is not the reality. I "wish" I could've been a little lighter, and friendlier but, dang I was tapped out!

I have spent the last couple days thinking about it, and the absurdity of his ideas still baffles me. I could just see him putting OW on the mortgage, a year later things go sideways and bam... she's got our dream house. Not in this life time.  I have not received his updated separation agreement yet. I guess his armchair lawyer has the weekend off. Yay me!

It's interesting looking back on the conversation now that my emotions aren't off the rails. I can see how angry he was, petulant, unreasonable, and definitely playing the victim ( bang on Kitty) and the entitlement ( nailed it Family). All qualities that I have never seen in him before. It makes me sad to realize that I am dealing with a shell of my husband at this time negotiating a business deal (sums it up pretty well Stillbaffled) that was formerly our life.

This weekend has been both good and a little difficult. Spent sometime with my cousin, worked on some crafts to keep me occupied, but my mind kept splitting our belongings up.  :(. I don't know what is going to happen, but I guess that is my way of trying to wrap my head around the reality that I very well could be losing our dream home in the next couple months. I know it is only a possession, and in the big picture it shouldn't really matter. I know a house isn't a home, I know I can be happy elsewhere, but it just kinda makes the heartache a little (a lot).  It's like we'll be selling our memories before we even had a chance to make them. This was supposed to be it, the dream! Nothing really dreamy about it now. It crazy though how much I feel tied to these things. How all our hopes and dreams were so closely knit and it feels like they are truly unraveling if we end up having to make that one giant decision. And when it's done... it's just gone.

It makes me wonder how that would work in the future. If the dream home is gone and I forced him to sell, does that work against me? Not that I'll change my mind about a buy out, because honestly I can't even wrap my head around that scenario.

As for other things, not much else going on. SIL has cancelled on me twice  ???. I guess I will see how that goes. She initiated both times and ended up cancelling both times. I started reading "Broken Heart on Hold" again. I read it within the first couple months. It almost is harder to digest now, then it was then. I think because it brings back the pain of the very beginning, but I feel it will be beneficial.

It was a long weekend here and it was nice to have the time off, but I think I'm ready to go back to work.  Less monkey braining when I am there. I was a little exhausted, slept 13 hours the one night, haven't done that in a long, long time. Kinda felt like a waste of a day, but I guess it was needed. This week I will start my golf league. Mixed feelings still about that, but I know once I go, it'll be all good. I'm still praying, still hoping, still moving forward, all though the steps seem a little bit smaller these last few days, but I know that will come and go. :)

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: 1phoenix on May 22, 2018, 04:49:54 AM
FN,

Oh honey, I will catch up on your thread today.  Look for my footsteps and place your feet in them.  My hand is here, outstretched for you to hold.  You have the strength and resolve, just look inside yourself. 

Tough decision, tough choices, maybe a list will help of what you absolutely must have. After that, let go of it all.   

Hugs and hugs,
1p
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 22, 2018, 05:31:43 AM
Lots of hugs to you FN.  We have to process too much too quickly.

 I "wish" I could've been a little lighter, and friendlier but, dang I was tapped out! - This jumped out at me, because I feel the same way.  Both about our marriage and times after BD.  But jeez, there's only so much one can expect from a human being! 

In the beginning after BD, I didn't sleep or eat.  Now I have been doing both.  Those times when I sleep 13 hours, well I guess I'm making up for those first couple of months.
It's really hard about the house.  I totally get that.  The house I live in now - it's been 17 years.  Both my boys grew up here.  I go back and forth about do I want to stay here or do I want a fresh start with a place that's all my own?  There's pros and cons to both.

I guess my advice is, slow it all down as much as you can until you are emotionally ready to make decisions.  This is all too much to process too soon.  You are doing great even though some days are super tough.  We will all get through this and come out better the other side.  xoxoxoxox
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 22, 2018, 06:36:45 AM
Fear,

If you would have been lighter and friendlier you would have been a fairy - I think you did so well.

Yes, a house is just a house, but I think to most women (and I don't mean to offend anybody on the male side - you all just think more logically) a house is not just a house. I believe we get emotionally attached because of all the wonderful memories we made - in your case it was your dream home that you intended to spend the rest of your days in with your H.
So, no a house is not just a house - I think it feels like not only do we lose our partners, but our home and it might just feel so final.
Do I think it makes a difference down the road that he was forced to sell his house ? Nope - and the only person he has to blame is himself.

Do let us know how the golf league goes - it sounds like fun really, even though I am always nervous meeting new people at first.

You are fabulous and handled the meeting like a queen - no second guessing
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 22, 2018, 08:39:25 AM
Sending you hugs and strong support! You always do such a good job with this all. I hope there is a way for you to hold on to your house for now- maybe something will appear to stop you from having to sell. You never know what can happen in the future!  If
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 22, 2018, 09:58:06 AM
Fear,

When I moved out of the house, my H kept it (I didn't want the big mortgage payment nor all the work), I took all my things off the wall that were mine and replaced them with pictures and prints that were his, or just things I didn't like or had no feelings for.
I did no flowers on the deck, no flower garden started, nothing.

By the time I left the house didn't even look like mine anymore so it was easy to leave.  I found a beautiful apartment on a river and made it look fantastic.  Even bought new things.  I made it homey.

Now that I have been out of the house for 4 years the changed he has made I would never have made, so I further find it easy to be there and have no feelings for that house.  Doesn't bother me one bit when I go over there.
My home is no longer there.

I guess why I'm saying this because, we have pretty much reconciled, but if by any chance he would find someone else and move her in, someone else being in that HOUSE wouldn't bother me one iota.  I never want to live there again.
It looks and feels like a different house.

I'm only telling you this because I would base my decision on what is financially the best thing for you, even if it means she ends up living in there.   "If" you decide to move out try taking the things down, or pack, everything that means anything to you and replace them with stuff you don't like.  What ever you did to make the house look homey get rid of.  Paint it a color you don't like.  Even pull out any flowers you have planted.  Let it look bare and unwelcoming.
Unmake your home, so to speak.

It sounds crazy but it was something that really helped me to walk away from it.
Just wanted to share that with you.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 22, 2018, 12:51:21 PM
 1P This is now my screen saver, thank you for your support and advice! :D "Look for my footsteps and place your feet in them.  My hand is here, outstretched for you to hold.  You have the strength and resolve, just look inside yourself".

Thank you for your support and sharing Family, S66 and If! I know I am not the first to walk this path. This is one many of you have carved out before me, but it's nice to know others feel you! YOur posts always help!!

Thunder- Thank you for your suggestion and sharing. Every item on display in our home is an "ours". We have very, very few "yours" and "mine" things. The pics on the walls are our wedding pics, pics of us on holidays, and pics bought together on holidays. Everything we have chose in that house was a decision together. Every curtain, bed sheet, towel, light fixture, you name it. This was the home we were building "together"...  To me it seems if I was to take "everything that means anything to me". He would get nothing, as it all means something to me.... just doesn't mean diddly squat to him.

I know that I have to make the decision on what's best, not on the fact that I don't want her in my home. I have lived many places, and some of them were less than desirable! Lol. I've always managed to make them mine (one was old office space, with the normal glass door for a business, with indoor/outdoor carpet, tree wall paper murals that covered 3 walls, sky lights with chicken wire over them, and my furniture was all lawn furniture including the old school aluminum sun loungers made with the horrible webbed nylon crap, a shower straight out of psycho with a tar roof as my patio, and five doors down from the roughest bar in town). Positive is, I won't have to live like that again ;)

I'm just not ready yet to get into the "mine" mentality.  :( but it will come with time :) The for sale sign isn't up yet. Anything can happen and when it does, I will be ok. :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 22, 2018, 06:14:30 PM
Understand how you feel FN!💕

Just wanted to let you and all  know that Linda Rooks - author of Broken Heart on Hold- has a new book coming out in February 2019 titled - Fighting for your Marriage when Separated. - seems like a long tine away but wanted to let you know for future- I think you can preorder on Amazon.
Big hugs and support : IF
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 23, 2018, 08:21:21 AM
Thanks IF! I am sure there will still be a need for the book next February whether it's us on here today, or those following in our footsteps!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 23, 2018, 09:02:53 AM
Fear, I understand what you are saying.  You certainly have time.  No need to make any final plans anytime soon.
I guess I was just thinking in the future, if it happens.
Maybe you'll be lucky and it won't.   :)

But like you said, and it was the case with me too, my H no longer thought of these things as anything important, that's why I took them with me.  I didn't want to chance him (or someone else) tossing them.
I was sort of "safekeeping" them for both of us.   ;D
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 23, 2018, 10:51:26 AM
"Safekeeping" is a great way to think of it Thunder! Thank you!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 25, 2018, 10:24:11 AM
Update/ Randomness

So the golfing adventure went really well (not my game, but the social aspect). I had a lot of fun and I think I will really enjoy it! I am going again on Sunday.

On the other side of things..

No separation agreement has been sent as of yet. Been a week, I honestly thought I'd have it by now.

H decided to post on FB today (screenshot sent by a friend) that he left me 5 months ago... time to throw it out there and those of you who don't like it or don't want to see what's going on in my life from here on can delete me. Tired of hiding.

I guess we're FB official then!! That felt like a punch in the gut a little ( a lot). It rocked me, but I will be ok. I am thinking there is pressure coming from somewhere.

I do find it interesting that it was more important to blast it on social media than to actually do the separation agreement ASAP like he had said.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 25, 2018, 10:33:40 AM
Oh man, I am so sorry.  What a way to announce it to everyone.  Ugh!
Is your family on FB?

I think you're probably right...pressure from someone.   ::)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 25, 2018, 11:14:38 AM
Yes he's friends with some of my family on there. Whom I haven't told, so I will be dealing with that fall out at some point. My mom removed him awhile ago, which I am happy about, as this would upset her.

I think he just really made himself look like a tool! <shaking head> Makes me sad.  :(. Yet another thing he never would have done prior. He always ranted about people doing that stuff. Now he's the people.

Also according to social media- OW's husband (they consciously uncoupled in late October  ::)) got engaged mid April to some woman he listed as being in a R as of January. I am sure that hurts the my H's OW a great deal as well, and this perhaps is fall out of that. Time for my H to prove his love to her, like her H proved his love to his OW.  ??? So dark and twisty!

Another day in the life of dealing with an MLC'er ::)

But I do know that God is moving mountains. I might not always see it happening or know why... but He has His reasons.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 25, 2018, 01:41:25 PM
And SIL invited H and OW for dinner tonight... might as well get it all over in one day! :'(

Looking forward to the end of the work day.

And looking for His reasons, strength, and peace!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 25, 2018, 01:49:32 PM
 >:(

The gift that keeps coming, huh?
I suppose now the he isn't "hiding" anymore.  Ugh!  Ugh!  Ugh!!

I will be making some EXTRA prayers tonight, sweetie.
On a good note, you're still in the house with no paperwork.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on May 25, 2018, 03:12:46 PM
Yes that is true Thinder!!  House - no paperwork so at least FN is hanging in there!
FN you are doing a great job even though you got hit with a ‘ truck’ today! Keep going and tomorrow is a new day! Strongly supporting with many hugs!! If
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 25, 2018, 08:06:20 PM
Thank you Thunder and If for your support, prayers and hugs!

The positive IS that this took preference over his separation agreement! :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: 1phoenix on May 25, 2018, 09:11:26 PM
FN,

I was unfriended and blocked on FB over 15 months ago. They are the ones that look like an a$$.  You are good, now stop checking please. Keep your thoughts on you.

Thunders idea of replacing is awesome. Wish I would have done that. Instead I sit here packing his stuff


Hugs and more hugs and a FB friend request and like.

1p
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 26, 2018, 05:24:42 AM
oh, FN, that totally sucks.  It really sounds like they are all a mess though, leaving relationships , jumping into new ones, I mean, how does one do that?!  I can't imagine right now getting into a new relationship until I process all that happened in this one.  I guess for some people it really is just pain killers.  I don't get that.

Take good care of yourself.  Sometimes, it's just getting through the day.  Lots of prayer helps me.

Golf isn't my thing either, but it's always good to make new friends. The more social I am, the better I tend to feel. 

Lots of love to you.  You deserve the very best! 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 29, 2018, 11:50:37 AM
Thanks HS peeps!

Journaling/ Randomness

So after an rather difficult weekend, I feel like I am back up and running. This weekend took me almost right back to bomb drop emotionally. Having to deal with family and friends that didn't know (thanks to H awesome FB post), to SIL inviting them to dinner, SIL wanting to give me an update the next day,  and H hitting me with new Separation Agreement Saturday night, I was an emotional wreck.

I had lots of time to think, and process and make some decisions over the last couple days (and golf  :D).

Saturdays escapades, that which included a text from SIL telling me " OW is nice, but seems to embellish, I think she lies to make herself look better", took me out at the knees. Who even puts "nice" and "lies" together and tries to make the person seem ok? I messaged back and told I had no interest in having a conversation about my husbands new girlfriend. I'm sorry but I can't do that. She then wanted to know if I was mad. Told her "no", I understand you have your reasons for doing what you did, but I can't be part of this conversation. She then phoned me... I answer and she says "you sound upset?" (now why would I be upset?!?!? or maybe crying??!?! Seriously!) I told her "nope, I'm good." Then silence. She then says, "well, I think I have to keep you H separate from now on. That we don't discuss any of it." I told her I agree with that and that I needed to go and hung up.

I will keep my tee time I have booked with her in a couple weeks, unless she cancels out. After that I am limiting our conversation. At our tee time we will be with a bunch of other ladies and there won't be an opportunity for any of this, and if she tries, I'm shutting that s&^t down.

 I can understand that SIL and H family feels a need to do certain things, but I do not have to agree with them. It felt like I was totally erased from my H family as of Friday night. The OW is sitting having dinner where I should've been in less than 5 months. That's how easily "they allow" me to be replaced and that is not right.They allowed that... not me. If they can't stand up with conviction for what they believe in morally, I can't make them. But I can remove myself from it, and stand for what I know is right on my own. I know in an earlier post I had wondered if this was Gods plan with SIL. I think it was still, but my outlook is a little different. I thought of it initially as God bringing them together, but maybe God used it to make me realize I need to stand alone. To totally let him go. To force me to totally detach from H, via SIL.

A GF came over Saturday for lunch and pieced me back together. I am so grateful for my friends and family. My work mate, who has dried far too many tears of mine and is the best gate keeper there is! She has developed an uncanny way of herding people out of our office when a melt down or privacy is needed, which was the majority of Friday.  :-\ I am so, so grateful for her!!

By Saturday night when the Separation Agreement (SA) came, it was almost a welcome relief, but the sad part is, it's completely ridiculous! Still trying to buy me out. Telling me if we try sell, I'm not entitled to any of my down payment. If I agree to buyout his L says I'm only entitled to 25% but he will give me the full 50%.  :o Such a generous offer ::) Ummmm nope!! I prefer to stick to the real laws. Even a quick google search for our laws clearly states what I have been telling him. His armchair L really sucks. I think their google is broken. :-\ He is stuck between a rock and a hard place. H has 3 choices,  SA with terms and sale sign goes up, stop paying mortgage sale sign goes up, or pull your head our of your arse. None of those, seem realistic for H. I will reply, tell him no, please send your lawyer's info so that mine can clear up the misinformation ( which he won't send because he doesn't have one) so that we can proceed with choosing a realtor. Which leaves me still in our home, doing what I'm doing... just being difficult. ::) Wasting more time  :D. His big 4-0 is on Friday. I will still send him a simple happy birthday, cuz I'm nice like that  :).

Sunday I had my golf etiquette event. It was really good. Played another 9 holes. Initially I was going to cancel. I wanted to stay in my hole and cry, but I forced myself to go and it was awesome. They have a number of events happening this summer on weekends. I can be as busy with this as I want to be. I have already met some great people. Nobody knows my story and I'm sticking with it. It's a great reprieve. I'm going there to just do me. What I enjoy. Has it been nerve wracking and uncomfortable, absolutely. I have barely golfed with out H, but I think this is one of the best things I could do as well. It was something we always loved doing together, but I don't have to stop loving it because H isn't with me. I can still excel at this on my own. Make my own friends. Improve my play, without him, and it refers back into my entire life. I can improve my entire life on my own, without him having to be in it. I'll go chase a little white ball around outside, H can go chase whatever it is he is looking for ...

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 29, 2018, 01:17:04 PM
He sure is unreal.  Sticking to the same thing over and over again.

Well good for you, just have your lawyer contact my lawyer.  lol
So it drags on....   ::)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on May 29, 2018, 05:38:47 PM
You just toss that ball right back into his court, FN! 

I loved this: I think their google is broken!  LOL!   ;D

Way to go continuing something on your own that the two of you did together.  FORE!! 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 30, 2018, 04:18:03 AM
"I messaged back and told I had no interest in having a conversation about my husbands new girlfriend. I'm sorry but I can't do that."  - This is the perfect response in my opinion.   She just doesn't get it.  I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

RE the separation agreement.  My H also thinks of himself as the "benevolent dictator"  I think this is common MLC? I guess it goes with their sense of entitlement.  Since they are "entitled" to EVERYTHING, if they give you anything, they are being oh so generous. 

Keep golfing and having fun.  Stay strong. xoxoxo
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 30, 2018, 04:24:23 AM
He sure is unreal.  Sticking to the same thing over and over again.

Well good for you, just have your lawyer contact my lawyer.  lol
So it drags on....   ::)

"The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different outcome"- Albert Einstein
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 30, 2018, 09:11:41 AM
How dense is SIL ? Unreal - would she enjoy a conversation about her spouse's new girlfriend? In what universe would that ever be okay and then be surprised if you are upset or short with her ? Who are these people - I mean, my faith in humanity was already kind of low, but  reading on here just keeps blowing my mind.
I am so sorry Fear, but yes - be done with that crap from his side. If they can replace you at the drop of a hat - who needs them anyway.

So glad you are enjoying the golf group and super glad you have a coworker that can run interference - I have one of those, too - we have a code word that means breakdown about to happen and she sweeps the area clear .....bless these angels in our lives.

As far as the SA - really, dude ? How many times do you have to spell it out ??? I do like replying though with have your lawyer send it to mine. Hey, maybe the OW got her law degree in the meantime ;)

I am blaming UM's full moon that this weekend was hard for a lot of us. But as the full moon subsides I hope our emotions will be able to rise again to be having better days.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on May 31, 2018, 09:43:10 AM

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it. I'd be lost without God and HS!

I have distanced myself from SIL, we have had a few casual texts. I will keep the golf date next Wednesday and go from there. We will be in a group setting so there will be no opportunity to discuss this debacle. I need to detach from his family once and for all. If his Gran reaches out I will respond, but I will not initiate anything. There will be absolutely not talk of H. I have no desire to hear of his Vegas trip with OW or anything else for that matter. I realize this is something that I should've done awhile ago, but just wasn't willing to see it. Last weekend hurt like hell. It felt like being at the very beginning all over again, but fortunately, I am not  :)


So glad you are enjoying the golf group and super glad you have a coworker that can run interference - I have one of those, too - we have a code word that means breakdown about to happen and she sweeps the area clear .....bless these angels in our lives.

As far as the SA - really, dude ? How many times do you have to spell it out ??? I do like replying though with have your lawyer send it to mine. Hey, maybe the OW got her law degree in the meantime ;)

I am blaming UM's full moon that this weekend was hard for a lot of us. But as the full moon subsides I hope our emotions will be able to rise again to be having better days.

S66- I am truly grateful that these angels are placed in our lives. You might be onto something with UM's full moon! There certainly was a lot of crazy going on for a fair amount of us!!

He sure is unreal.  Sticking to the same thing over and over again.

Well good for you, just have your lawyer contact my lawyer.  lol
So it drags on....   ::)

"The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different outcome"- Albert Einstein

And so the insanity continues...

Earlier in the week H and I exchanged civil text regarding some bills that I paid. All very congenial. Last night I sent the my answer to his SA! It was less than an hour and the spewing ensued.

I had replied that I was not interested in buyout. Our law states what I'm entitled too. Please send your lawyers name.

What I received in response is that I am being unreasonable and he is disappointed in me. I am costing us money, I am making us both loose. I should get out of the house anyways because we are selling and he can move back in July 1 for the interim. This is obviously all my fault ::)

The positive is.. H actually wrote his own email!! This is one that OW had no input in. Negative... just going in circles still. No lawyer name included (because there isn't one). No updated SA with what I asked for. Just more bullying and threats of not paying as of June 30, 2018.

I am responding this morning, sending him all the information and documents that H will need to do the SA agreement. I am informing him that I am not leaving the premise as per my lawyer ( which is as per my lawyer from my consult). He can stop paying if he wants. Ruin your credit rating and mine if you like. That's your decision beyond my control. The house will still sell. It will just speed up the process and the SA won't be in place yet. I have asked that he disclose all the information that my lawyer requires ASAP. To the point, no dilly dallying, accusations, phony baloney bull shnizzle. Time to get your s*&te together H. Change is a comin'!

I am not afraid of his stupid threats. I am not the one ruining the lives here. These are all his poor life choices, but he can't see that (obviously). I am beyond frustrated with the fact that he can't pull his head out of his arse for 5 seconds and actually give a real answer on anything. He can call me down, beat me down, call me out on social media, act like a tool, make more poor choices, all it does is reflect poorly on him. And at the end of the day he is still living his miserable life, being miserable and projecting that on me. It won't break me. It might cause tears, but he seems to have forgotten who he married. A strong, independent woman, who can think for herself.

I know God will provide the peace, joy, grace, patience and mercy to deal with this and that He has a  plan.  I am not giving up on standing. These trials and tribulations are all steps on the path. I will not sink to H level.  :). The positive on that is the "high road" doesn't have a lot of traffic on it! Lol! But man I wish I could say some of the awesome, witty, wonderfully sarcastic things that go through my brain. But alas, I won't.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN






Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on May 31, 2018, 11:00:55 AM
Perfect, Fear!

Just send the pertinent information and make it clear you are going no where, even if he stops paying the HP.
You ain't a scared a him!   ;D

He just forgot who he married.  She's no damsel in distress.

Oh and I'd have to ask him to give you his (so called) lawyers name again.  tee hee...
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on May 31, 2018, 11:27:45 AM
You got this Fear - yup, get his papers together and send them to your lawyer.
I cannot believe he actually thinks you will move out so he can move in while the sale will be going on ??? How dumb does he think you are ?

Yup - please H just send me your lawyers name and address so I can give it to mine.

Insane - all of it - but you are strong and not a pushover.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on May 31, 2018, 12:49:11 PM
I know how you feel about the IL’s FN. My FIL drove OW to the airport with Grumpy when he took her on vacation.

FIL also told me that they won’t tell OW that she isn’t welcome at the house because it would be like kicking Grumpy out, and I quote “I won’t do that because it will be like kicking Grumpy out, and call me selfish, but I want him here.”

So I don’t really talk to IL’s much, because they’re not going to help me.

You can do this FN, you are a strong, independent, ass kicking woman!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on May 31, 2018, 07:47:12 PM

I will not sink to H level.  :). The positive on that is the "high road" doesn't have a lot of traffic on it! Lol! But man I wish I could say some of the awesome, witty, wonderfully sarcastic things that go through my brain. But alas, I won't.


I love this part! 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 01, 2018, 07:50:25 AM
You got this Fear - yup, get his papers together and send them to your lawyer.
I cannot believe he actually thinks you will move out so he can move in while the sale will be going on ??? How dumb does he think you are ?

Yup - please H just send me your lawyers name and address so I can give it to mine.

Insane - all of it - but you are strong and not a pushover.
S66, I feel like he thinks I honestly am the "Scarecrow" from Wizard of Oz! I feel like the notification on my phone from him should be "If I Only Had Brain" from the movie. It could actually work both ways. :D

I know how you feel about the IL’s FN. My FIL drove OW to the airport with Grumpy when he took her on vacation.

FIL also told me that they won’t tell OW that she isn’t welcome at the house because it would be like kicking Grumpy out, and I quote “I won’t do that because it will be like kicking Grumpy out, and call me selfish, but I want him here.”

So I don’t really talk to IL’s much, because they’re not going to help me.

You can do this FN, you are a strong, independent, ass kicking woman!

Kitty- I am so sorry that happened to you. I know the hurt of this. I understand that they need to love their children and don't want to lose them. I just don't understand the aiding and accepting of such things. But I guess, these things are beyond our control. Yet another thing we accept and grow from.

Thank you Thunder and SB!  ;D

Today's update:

It is H is birthday. I received a text from him first thing this morning offering cash for the down payment and then would I accept the buyout.  :o. Seriously... again... I really do feel like I am beating my head against a wall. I did message back. " I'm sorry, but no, I will not agree to the buyout with a cash settlement. I have no interest in a buyout in any way. I hope you have a Happy Birthday. I wish you nothing but the best. You will always have a special place in my heart and my prayers."

His answer..He would like me to explain why I won't agree. I am ruining us just as much as he is...Why won't I budge... not trying to screw me over. Just as much my fault as his, on and on, and on. But the kicker.... Wait for it.... If I won't agree to the buyout, then he has no choice but to move back in July 1 while we sell our home  :o. I honestly LOL on this. He is away with the OW for his Bday, messaging his wife on our "couples app", saying he is moving back in a month!?!?!?  I don't even have words. I have not responded yet. I need to wrap my head around this bat snot bonkers baloney.


I opened my daily bible verse that comes from an app I have shortly after I posted. I had to come back and share it: Ezekiel 11:19 " I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 01, 2018, 08:56:27 AM
Oh do it!  Do it!

Say ok, then we can get it selling ready together so we can get top price.   ;D

Ow (alias, his lawyer) will LOVE that.

Then add, but we will need to have boundaries (meaning NO ow on the premises.)   ;)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 01, 2018, 09:18:18 AM
You read my mind Thunder!

 I haven't replied as of yet. I'm biding my time. I want to make the most of his birthday ;)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 01, 2018, 09:29:53 AM
Ohhh...ok.

You know she's never allow that in a million years.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 01, 2018, 02:11:14 PM
Oh I have zero expectations that this will really happen!

I replied with the standard "sorry you feel that way" along with " if this is the best option for you, I am fine with that. The boundaries that were discussed previously will have to be adhered to out of respect for both of us."

H response: " See you July 1." ::)

Bat snot Bonkers! I can only imagine how  that conversation is going to go with the OW. Lol! Oh to be a fly on the wall.  ::)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on June 01, 2018, 02:19:54 PM
FN - July 1st, huh?!!?  He must really think he's going to intimidate you out of the house. 

I didn't get much monstering from my MLCer but the one thing I do remember him blustering about was telling me he was going to keep the tiny parcel of our land that his big pole building sits on.  I kept telling him that nope, he would NOT be splitting up the property and having access to what was going to become MY property after I had to give him a crap ton of money. 

He (and OW) wanted his D to go through as fast as possible so he eventually acquiesced and settled for having a year after the D was final to get the building down.  That date passed last August first.  The building is still sitting on my property!   ::)

You just stand firm for what works for you and for what you need to have! 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 01, 2018, 02:24:57 PM
He may decide by July 2nd that things are too awkward and decide to move back where he was.  ;D
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 01, 2018, 03:34:26 PM
Oh Fear, he is calling your bluff.   :)

There is no way in God's green earth she will trust him living with you.  Out of her grasp?
Just be as nice and syrup sweet as you can be.

"Ok good   :), I'm looking forward to us getting the house ready together.  See you July 1st."
Nothing more.

That AIN'T happening.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 02, 2018, 10:44:53 AM
FN - July 1st, huh?!!?  He must really think he's going to intimidate you out of the house. 

I didn't get much monstering from my MLCer but the one thing I do remember him blustering about was telling me he was going to keep the tiny parcel of our land that his big pole building sits on.  I kept telling him that nope, he would NOT be splitting up the property and having access to what was going to become MY property after I had to give him a crap ton of money. 

He (and OW) wanted his D to go through as fast as possible so he eventually acquiesced and settled for having a year after the D was final to get the building down.  That date passed last August first.  The building is still sitting on my property!   ::)

You just stand firm for what works for you and for what you need to have! 

SB- I have been following the pole barn saga! Yeesh! I fully expect that his plan is to try make my life a living hell, to get me out. He can try... I'm not going.

He may decide by July 2nd that things are too awkward and decide to move back where he was.  ;D

Lol Kitty! That could very well happen ::)

Oh Fear, he is calling your bluff.   :)

There is no way in God's green earth she will trust him living with you.  Out of her grasp?
Just be as nice and syrup sweet as you can be.

"Ok good   :), I'm looking forward to us getting the house ready together.  See you July 1st."
Nothing more.

That AIN'T happening.

Thunder- It's no bluff for me  :D. He can gladly move home. I know it will be much more difficult for him than I. He has waaay more pressures on him! I am going to continue on my path. Kindness, patience (tested albeit), grace, mercy, and forgiveness, all coated in the sweetest syrup I can find within. OW won't trust him and I am sure she will use everything in her power to thwart this plan. He's caught between a rock and hard place, of his own doing.

Journaling/Randomness

I have been thinking a ton about what will happen if H actually does move home. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me anxious. I do know that regardless God will provide what I need to get through. I have been praying for a way for us to reconnect, this could be it. I will have to wait and see.

I fully expect that his plan is to make life as difficult and as unpleasant as possible. I will be tested for sure.

I do worry for H health and what this stress is doing to him  :(. Having had a heart attack already, the stress of the SA and unbending W, the OW pressures, job pressures and taking risks with it, weight gain, drinking, partying, Vegas trip upcoming, are the mixing for complications for him health wise.  It's scary. Part of me thinks I should give up, but the need to stand is stronger. I can't save H from himself and his lifestyle. I just pray everyday that God will watch over him and his health.

I plan on golfing and continuing with my plans. Keep as busy as possible. I have a lot of changes that I need to make within me still, as well. I try not to be afraid of the unknown. I have managed so far, and I know that I have the strength to endure whatever may come my way. But I will have to dig deep.

Change has always been something that has been difficult for me. I like routine, and security. Since this has happened I have had nothing but changes, routine shaken to the core and learning that you cannot put your security in someone else. I am fortunate that prior to H, I had that, but over the last 11 years, I placed my security in the wrong place. I thought that our R was what brought me it, and that is totally wrong. I have to have that within myself, the confidence within, the joy, the peace, and the ability to provide for myself one way or another. As much as a I don't like change I have had no choice but to embrace it. Roll with it. Learn from it. It has overflowed into other parts of my life as well.

Having to forgive H almost daily for what transpires has made me very aware of other parts of life where I needed to do that as well. To let go of old grudges and hurt, quite trying to control everything and others decisions. I just have to take care of me and let the rest go. Holding on to all those things, trying to change peoples minds is wasted energy.  Acceptance is crucial.

This crazy journey that we are on baffles me daily with the twists and turns that take place. Last week was complete devastation, this week a whole different story. No wonder my hair is falling out ::). Lol. Good thing I have lots!

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 02, 2018, 12:26:19 PM
Fear, I wonder if they don't have a plan. 

Maybe he's going to move back in, put the house up for sale and never be there and she somehow will buy the house.

Hey....I'm just thinking outside the box.

Oh well, it hasn't happened yet.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 03, 2018, 02:01:18 PM
I really have no idea Thunder. I guess if she wants to pay fair market value, then by all means please do  :). I can't stop that. I know H doesn't have any money to contribute. I have a hard time thinking that OW would have the money as well, since her and her H are not divorced either. From what her work is, I can't see her raking it in, but who knows. Maybe she's made fat bank in the past, or family money.  ::)

I'll have to wait and see.  :P
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 03, 2018, 05:16:59 PM
I think they are all nuts and can't plan anything.  But that's just me...

This WILL be interesting FN!  You may actually find yourself in the position of "wtf was I thinking?!  I don't want this guy back! I am better off without this craziness and playing golf with my friends!"

My guess is he is trying to call your bluff, but I don't think OW will allow it ultimately.  Just quick suggestion, if he does move in, make sure all your devices have new passwords and none that he can figure out.  I know that's obvious, but you are having to think about a lot of stuff right now.  We are all rooting for you!  And he has no idea how truly strong you are.  That's going to freak him out.  xoxox

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 04, 2018, 12:16:24 PM
Thank Family, I actually hadn't even thought of that for the devices. I have never locked anything previously, but that is something I should reconsider.  And your right... should this come to fruition I might be wishing it away!" Lol.

Journaling/ Randomness

SIL has been in touch a lot lately. I have been keeping convos impersonal and light. She knows nothing from me about our SA, the possibility of him moving home or anything about our situation. I have not mentioned his name since "the dinner" and I refuse to. We have our golf date on Wednesday, and she has invited me over to her place on Saturday night. I am trying to find a polite way to decline, that isn't too obvious. It makes me a little frustrated that I have to work so hard at editing my actions and responses. Something that was such a source of support now requires me to be on guard.

The weekend was good. Spent some time with some Gal Pals hanging out. Worked on making some spring/summer wreaths. I slept like a log Saturday night. I really had to force myself to get up on Sunday. I have been feeling wore down, I didn't realize perhaps just how worn I was. It find it hard to stop and just be still and rest. I feel the need to stay entertained and a feel guilty for sleeping so much. But I do realize that has happened a few times now, where I go.. go .. go and then crash. I need to try and level myself out a little better. I really find that when the emotions are high it completely wipes me out a day or two later.

As for H moving home, I don't know what will happen. It's a wait and see situation, but I believe there is hope, and that it can happen. I'm not going to give my thoughts the option (try very hard anyways)to go to the negative, to worry about the OW stopping it, because I'd rather put my energy into believing it can happen. I will give it to God and let Him deal with it  :). It's His plan anyways and He will trump the OW if that's what needs to happen  :D.

Work is good. Slowing down a little. Having a hard time staying motivated now that it's not full tilt! We put in a ridiculous amount of hours for a 3 to 4 month period and then it stops, and it's kinda like letting the air out of a balloon.That happens both spring and fall for me though. Thursday I will be playing in a golf tourney for one of our company's business associates! Pretty jacked about that, I get paid to go golf. Almost like a pro. Lol. 

I haven't heard from H since Friday. I did hear via a mutual friend that his Vegas trip is in a couple weeks and he is going with another couple that we have traveled with previously. They tend to fight a lot, so that's always a good time  ::). Haven't heard if OW is going or not. Doesn't really matter to me. We have been to Vegas 9 times at least in the last 11 years. He keeps doing all the things that we have done, time and again. I feel that is to my benefit, because honestly, I have to cross his mind at some point. He's just walking his old paths over and over again.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Came across this again today and thought I'd share. I always find it a good reminder!

Jon Jorgeson - Who you are: A Message to All Women

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 04, 2018, 01:40:29 PM
Fear, they go to places they've been to with you because the represent good memories and happy times.
Try to recreate them with someone else.

Oh yes, he will think of you.   :)

I don't know Fear, I still can't see her letting him move into the same house with you.  That would be monumental for a ow.
.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FaithWalker on June 05, 2018, 09:39:55 PM
Caught up FN.  He is a stubborn one on this house thing isn't he?  Sorry to hear about SIL.  I have felt that hurt myself.  I still feel the pain of xH's OW2 going to the family cabin where he proposed to me and then D15 coming home to tell me that he and her shared a bedroom at FIL and MIL's house.  It was post divorce, but that doesn't really lessen my pain in any way, or feel right to have that happen, or have my kids around that.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 08, 2018, 10:35:30 AM
And a round and round we go! Where we stop nobody knows!!

I messaged H to tell him he had mail and boy did that escalate ??? He wanted to make sure that I understood that when he moved back that it included OW and it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable, sorry for hurting me, wants to work this out so we can move forward, sorry he's upset me, sorry for the hurt and stressed he's caused. Ended with "FN what do you want?"

I answered that I understand you are with her and that is your choice, but OW is not to be on our property or in our home while we are selling. If you choose to make that decision I will ask the authorities to remove her. Please think wisely about this and if you cannot adhere to this then I suggest you get the SA written up ASAP so we can get the for sale sign up. This is temporary and there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to respect the boundaries. I will not allow you to use this to force me out. I am not making my decisions out of anger or hurt, as matter of fact I forgive you, but that does not mean that I have to have you both in our marital home.

H responded with he's not paying for the house anymore, it could take a year to sell, offered me so many solutions that I won't entertain, his idea for buyout is the quickest, easiest and most financially sound  :-X and I can no longer take advantage of him  ::)

My response, I have treated you with nothing but respect through this all and it would be nice if you could reciprocate. I made it clear what needed to be in the SA and that I was not interested in the buyout a number of times. Get the papers together, I am not assuming all costs for our home, I have told you what is required. You are welcome to live in our home while selling, while respecting the boundaries. Believe me I am under no illusions here.

H response.. blah blah blah buyout. It's my fault that we will go in to foreclosure, he's not paying, he's worked so hard to deal with me... blah blah blanh.

My response, I'm done arguing. I have asked for the SA for months, I have been very clear in what should be in it, how about you get that done up so we can proceed and minimize the damages. Your living situation is not my problem. You have been offered a temporary solution, although not perfect, it is doable.

H responds telling me more buyout blah blah blah,  that I should do the agreement, because he has no idea what I want.  :o


I respond, said sorry your feel that way, I provided the information in our last email. That should be more than sufficient to get the ball rolling,  and I have yet to receive any of the documents that I requested for my lawyer!?!?! Or your lawyers name which I requested previously.

And... no response.

They really are freaking looney tunes. So frustrating!!!

Side note: golf with SIL was ok. She brought it up the sitch a couple times. Made some comments about how much better off I am without him  ???.  I changed the subject. At the very end of it, she made a comment about how I have been out golfing more than H, but he has to babysit  OW teenagers. I just said, well that's not my problem and looked away. She then said something about how that's probably not true because the OW kids don't get a lot of attention. I shrugged and walked away.

The golf tourney for work yesterday was awesome. Had an absolute blast!!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: If_only on June 08, 2018, 11:19:42 AM
FN- ummmm ..... I am truly shocked!!i have no words on this really floored !!! I don’t think I have heard of something like this since I have been learning about MLC and standing! Etc.  He is obsessed about the house right from the beginning and I’m pretty sure he is not  allowed to bring the ow in there but you could check with your lawyer/ RCMP and maybe put 911 on speed dial as that is pretty crazy!
They never seem to respect us but this is over the line.  I’m as sure he is moving in as I am sure he has a legal team 😂- it doesn’t hurt to get a ‘real’ legal opinion before they show up on your doorstep!
That’s all I can say today!! Just I really admire your courage and strength because this is truly a test!💕
Glad golfing went good !  Hugs and great support! IF
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Mae on June 08, 2018, 11:32:56 AM
HI FN,

Not sure I have ever posted on your thread before but just need to say this:

"WTF :o :o :o"

Now where is that cool little "what planet are they living on" vid posted on the forum a while back.....(insert that here).

I'm really glad you are working on letting go of grudges, hurts etc and learning to forgive your H.....I'm doing the same, and boy is this being tested!

Really think you did a fantastic job of being cool, calm and very consistent in your responses to your H's looney toons. He actually thinks you are deliberately being difficult and that he's worked so hard in dealing with you  ??? Way to be very clear in setting your boundaries.

Doing a great job here FN.

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 08, 2018, 11:39:49 AM
Fear,

You must be dizzy by now on that merry-go-round.   ::)

I think we all knew she was not going to let him just move in with you, unless she could come there, so that's apparently off the books.

So unless he sends you a SA, and lawyer info (said with a smirk), there is nothing further to talk about.
You handle everything well and calm (Pat yourself on the back).

Just go about enjoying your life.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 08, 2018, 12:25:58 PM
Thank you Mae for joining in and your support! And thank you Thunder and IF!

I am getting dizzy. I am getting frustrated. I am trying to stay rational but he is trying my patience today.

I finally got a response back, told me his lawyers name was "Lawyer Whatever" but that he can't afford the $3000 retainer, so I will be hearing from a trustee. Everything I find for information on trustee in my province refers to bankruptcy?!?! That is freaking me out a little.



Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 08, 2018, 12:34:31 PM
Oh Fear, I think it's just another scare tactic.

If he files for bankruptcy, it is very expensive, so don't worry about it.  He probably can't afford that either, and it can't touch the house.

I would have just said, ok thanks.  :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 08, 2018, 12:38:17 PM
I think Thunder is right, FN. It's a scare tactic, or he could just be grasping at straws.

Whatever...it's not for you to worry about, let him keep floundering. You are handling this like a boss. Don't let frustration get the best of you. I've had a couple times where that has happened to me, and I wish it hadn't. Keep throwing sound, rational choices at him and maybe his head will explode because he can't handle it and he'll go away for a while.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FaithWalker on June 08, 2018, 01:03:49 PM
He is off his rocker.  He thinks he can move in and flaunt OW in your face?  Oooh, I am seething for you.

What a piece of work these MLCers are.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 08, 2018, 02:13:10 PM
 I have emailed the lawyer I talked to. I think it might be wise for me to start the SA. I asked him flat out if he was "playing the bankruptcy card" and he said he needs to explore his options since I am taking him down financially, and this is all my fault, more monstering bull shnizzle.

I said if that was the case then I guess we better find a realtor. I asked who the realtor was that he brought in when I wasn't home and said he couldn't remember her name but that we wouldn't be using her because she is "full fees" and we need someone for less fees since "I'm" forcing the sale of the home where we will loose money. ( Again mentioned my fault) Definitely a pattern for the blame game here.

I asked who he wanted then for realtor, he suggested the one we used for our previous home. I replied "well then I guess you better get your paper work together for the separation agreement so that we can get on the realtor and set you free of your financial obligations."

I know I said more than I should've. I have managed to keep my words to myself until today... man... white hot rage with this crap. He got me a little. Rattled my cage a little. I engaged more than I should have.

Thank you for the reassurance that this is more scare tactics. I have to say it unnerved me. But when I came back here and read what you guys wrote started to sink in, and I see in hindsight what it was. Thank you Kitty ( I love that the idea of rational for them may cause them to explode  ;D) and Thunder!  It is what you say it is. He loves to travel to much to declare bankruptcy and has no reason if he would stop with the poor life choices. He'd have no way to travel if he did claim bankruptcy. It's another way of him trying to force this on me. I am not answering anymore texts. I am done. Supposedly claiming bankruptcy and leaving for Vegas in a week  :o Sounds about right for MLC'er.

He is off his rocker.  He thinks he can move in and flaunt OW in your face?  Oooh, I am seething for you.

I hear you sister!! There is so much more that I would like to say to H about this, but it's not worth it. I feel like I am living some stupid Reality TV show. The last thing I would want to have to do is call the authorities and cause a scene, and it really sucks that I actually had to state that I would do that. Mind you that's a better option than me going in and removing her myself because I'm pretty sure that would be the cat fight of the century. Choose your battles. Lol. He really is completely off his ever loving firetrucking rocker. That is very apparent today!

What a piece of work these MLCers are. Yup...they sure are priceless  :P

I have the weekend to think about whether or not I want to be on the hook financially for the SA. Gives me some time to calm down. Get me head wrapped around the mind games he's playing. Have a glass of wine and shake my head. This is the 3 rd Friday in a row that I have dealt with his garbage. I guess it's only fitting since it is garbage day in our neighborhood.

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on June 08, 2018, 02:16:35 PM
Sheesh......I knew your MLCer was a few pecans short of a fruitcake!   ::)

FN - when you wrote that he said he was moving back in July 1st I think we all suspected he had some ridiculous plan in mind.  And ridiculous it certainly is.....
You did a great job with the correspondence.  Kudos to you. 

I'm glad the golf is a great distraction for you.  We surely need something! 

I wish I knew stuff about trustees but I'm betting that there are HS members here who do.  Hopefully they'll drop by and share some information.  Hang in there.  We're supporting you. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 08, 2018, 02:46:26 PM
Sheesh......I knew your MLCer was a few pecans short of a fruitcake!   ::) Funny thing! I'm allergic to Pecans. Lol

FN - when you wrote that he said he was moving back in July 1st I think we all suspected he had some ridiculous plan in mind.  And ridiculous it certainly is.....
You did a great job with the correspondence.  Kudos to you.  I had my suspicions as well, just didn't think he would show all his cards so soon! Thank you for your support. I appreciate it!

I'm glad the golf is a great distraction for you.  We surely need something!  Certainly more of that in my future. I accidentally put some of his balls customized with his name in my bag the other day, took them out and put them back on the shelf yesterday, today... I think they are going back in my bag and I am hammering those suckers into the never neverland of bushes, shrubs and water, never to be seen again! Although a little part of me wishes I knew where OW lived and I could just launch them at her house, but that's my unreasonable vindictive side coming out. Going to reign that in  :)

I wish I knew stuff about trustees but I'm betting that there are HS members here who do.  Hopefully they'll drop by and share some information.  Hang in there.  We're supporting you.  I am hoping someone has a little insight as to this!

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 08, 2018, 08:07:40 PM
Just from what I've read, I see nothing a Trustee could do for him.  It's strange.
They deal with deaths and a persons money and how it is distributed, etc..  It's usually people who have money and properties who mainly use them.

I think his "so called lawyer" came up with that one.   ::)

Lets face it Fear, he can't afford a lawyer and I know here a bankruptcy costs about $1,500 to file.
I can't see him doing either.

So enjoy your house and let him do the SA.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 10, 2018, 09:10:51 AM
Thanks Thunder! I think you are correct in that it's his "lawyer" suggesting it and he can't afford it, nor be willing to loose all that comes with it. H is definitely ramping up in the strange department!

He did finally give me his lawyers name (which he said he couldn't afford). I googled it and he gave me the wrong last name. Lol. He had her last name as being the name of the law firm which was incorrect.  ::) Seems strange he'd try choosing a female lawyer as well... guessing that came from the OW as well. Oh well, not my problem.

I read through my notes from the lawyer and we had discussed him filing for bankruptcy. She said if that happens to sell ASAP regardless of SA. The only thing that might affect me is the line of credit. It is another scare tactic (y'all are correct in that). Now that the emotion has passed and I've thought about it, I find it highly unlikely. That means no credit cards to book travel with if he does that ::).

The weekend has been quiet and relaxing. Been working on some spring/summer/ Canada Day wreaths. I was supposed to have a golf club fitting event today but they cancelled it due to rain. Oh well, the rain is much needed.

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 10, 2018, 10:02:42 AM
Fear, why would you need to sell the house as soon as possible.  The house would only get rid of late payments, it wouldn't effect the mortgage it self.  You do however have to sign a new mortgage contract or if you defaulted on the mortgage they could not come after you, credit-wise.  Hard to explain.

W filed bankruptcy about 12/13 years ago.  It was to get out of credit card debt and a lot of medical bills we were unable to pay, and they would not work with us, but it didn't effect the mortgage at all.  Hmm...

We had a bankruptcy lawyer who knew all the ins and outs of a bankruptcy.

You sure don't want that on your credit report if you don't need it.  Of course it wouldn't be on your credit report, it would be on his.  So he would only be screwing himself.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 10, 2018, 01:40:26 PM
Yes he would only be screwing himself. If I remember correctly from my convo with the L, the reason to sell was to apply any extra to the line of credit. Then I'd only be on the hook for what might remain on the line of credit, since that would be the only thing left that we held jointly. I really feel that he won't go this avenue. Seems a little sketchy to be offering me almost $10K cash last week to try force the buyout... then threaten bankruptcy a week later. H doesn't know if he's coming or going. Makes no sense. I'm just going to leave him twist in the wind for now. Guess I'll see if he actually shows up in person for his mail while I am home on Tuesday as he mentioned. ::) Highly doubtful! Thanks for the insight Thunder!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 10, 2018, 04:52:47 PM
You are doing great, FN!  I think your correspondence is spot on.  I don't know the laws where you are, so can't really help there.  He sounds as ridiculous as mine though.  The more stable and clear we are, the more it seems to drive them nuts.  They thought for some reason they had control over everything, when they find out they don't, it makes them crazy.  Does Not Compute! lol.  That's one of the reasons I like slowing the process down as much as you can, because it gives them a bit of time to wrap their heads around boundaries.  When my H BD'd, he was quite euphoric.  He thought all was going to be spectacular with his new gf, his loving wife as his best friend and everyone was going to be oh so happy.  They are nuts.  That's all I can say about it.  Love to you, you are doing great!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 10, 2018, 06:11:45 PM
Thanks Family! They really are ridiculous, aren't they? It still surprises me a little at times. Lol.

 I have noticed that the kinder/ clearer and more stable (like you mentioned) I am in my responses, the angrier his messages are. I had read an article that mentioned that they sometimes tend to act the age that the FOO issues happened. My SIL had mentioned that H started acting out as a young teen. H had told me numerous times that he had a wicked temper as a teen as well. It makes me wonder if that really is the case. He certainly wasn't a snap show like this while we have been together. Bat snot bonkers!!

 Thank you for the support! Love to you too! Hugs!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 10, 2018, 06:40:44 PM
I have noticed that the kinder/ clearer and more stable (like you mentioned) I am in my responses, the angrier his messages are.

That’s because they aren’t thinking rationally right now, it hurts their brain. You’re handling things with your H like a queen FN. Keep it up.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on June 11, 2018, 06:35:37 AM
Still lurking in the bushes with you Fear.
And your H does take the cake (pecan or otherwise) - move in with OW - whatever he's smoking, it must be some potent stuff.
And of course it's all your fault - I wish you would just admit it - just shaking my head - they really are crazy.

Anyhow - I am in awe of the restraint and cool that you have shown - it has to drive him mad that he cannot terrorize you with his tactics. I love it.


Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 12, 2018, 12:27:41 PM
Thank for still lurking S66!

So today I received a message from MIL, saying she's happy to hear about my growing faith, and that I have kept in contact with SIL. She hopes that H and I can come to a "reasonable agreement" that works for both of us and she's sorry it's come to this.

Come to what? Separation? Divorce? What? I don't even know what she is referring to because H hasn't actually done anything except rant and rage about not getting his way about the house, and her and I have never had a conversation about "this."

I feel like it's kinda of a bit of a dig with the "reasonable agreement" part of the message. Truthfully, I am highly irritated by it, actually it really ticked me off. >:( What's reasonable to her and her son?!!? That I should give up and walk away so her son can have a place to live, because he is so broke from his poor life choices? That I should accept H affair like they have, because it makes him happy? That I should forget that I took vows, and have a choice to stand for them? She has never bothered to find out the other side, she only gets his watered down replay of the story, told to his benefit, as to how "unreasonable", "difficult", "unwilling" I am.  I really don't even know what to reply besides nothing.

I'm really not sure why this put a bee in my bonnet. I haven't really had a ton of anger or bitterness, but man, I have the greatest urge to really go off on her (which I won't), which is just the hurt in me coming out, because this really stings.  It ended with " I pray God will bless you with happiness and a full life."

I think I just received the official kicked out of the family text. :(
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: 1phoenix on June 12, 2018, 02:15:18 PM
Hey kiddo,

The message from your MIL.  Oh my.  Sending you a pretty invite that says.....join the club. 

I have been over and over and over again about the MIL thing.  It has brought out so much anger and ire in me.  More than I have towards him. 

The only thing that I can wrap my head around and see is that I had an expectation that I was a part of a family. That his family would treat me like mine treated him. Well that was my first mistake. 

She (MIL) had a large hand in creating the mess that he is today.  I give that back to her.  Let her clean up her mess with him.

My advice is to try and remember she made him, let her deal with him. It hurts like he!!, but with time it not only stops hurting, but becomes laughable. 

Hugs

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 12, 2018, 03:18:03 PM
Fear,

Why not write her back and say,

"Bless your heart for writing and showing your concern.  Thank you.  I pray God can restore our marriage.
Please pray for that, too.   I know God does not want us to break our vows.  I know we can work things out if we are just given the time, and remember the love we had between us."

Thank you again, lovingly,
Fear

 ;D ;D Too syrupy??

It would throw it right back in her face.  She should be praying for the restoration of your marriage, not a "reasonable agreement."   ::)

If she says something to your H, you said nothing wrong.  God WOULD rather see you work your marriage out.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 12, 2018, 04:03:28 PM
Yeah, it sounds just a bit syrupy Thunder.  ;D

At least you seem to have a clear idea on your MIL Fear....I wonder about mine. MIL called me to ask that I please answer Grumpy's call Sunday. They seemed happy when they heard that we are going to try and work things out. They've always given me hugs when they've seen me.

But yet, they really didn't put up much of a fight to keep OW out of their house when they knew what he was doing was wrong.

I get that they are our spouse's parents, but there comes a time when they need to tell their kid, "Okay, now you're just being stupid."
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 12, 2018, 06:55:07 PM

 
Hey kiddo,

The message from your MIL.  Oh my.  Sending you a pretty invite that says.....join the club. 

I have been over and over and over again about the MIL thing.  It has brought out so much anger and ire in me.  More than I have towards him. 

The only thing that I can wrap my head around and see is that I had an expectation that I was a part of a family. That his family would treat me like mine treated him. Well that was my first mistake. 

She (MIL) had a large hand in creating the mess that he is today.  I give that back to her.  Let her clean up her mess with him.

My advice is to try and remember she made him, let her deal with him. It hurts like he!!, but with time it not only stops hurting, but becomes laughable. 

Hugs

1P- I'm glad to know that my reaction is normal  ::) I felt way more anger at that text than the weekly Friday spewing that I usually get from H. I was surprised by how angry it actually made me, but you're right in that I thought I was "part of the family", and now I know I am not. It does hurt... more than I expected but you're advice that " she made him, let her deal with him" is something I needed to hear. She played a major part in the issues he has going on. MIL struggles with anxiety and depression and has for many many years which has put a lot of pressure on their family. She has missed many occasions and wasn't there for him at all. Easier for MIL to just jump on H's bandwagon and get a new daughter in law.

Fear,

Why not write her back and say,

"Bless your heart for writing and showing your concern.  Thank you.  I pray God can restore our marriage.
Please pray for that, too.   I know God does not want us to break our vows.  I know we can work things out if we are just given the time, and remember the love we had between us."

Thank you again, lovingly,
Fear

 ;D ;D Too syrupy??

It would throw it right back in her face.  She should be praying for the restoration of your marriage, not a "reasonable agreement."   ::)

If she says something to your H, you said nothing wrong.  God WOULD rather see you work your marriage out.


Thunder- I wish I could be this syrupy, and toss it back, but I just don't have it in me today  ::). I responded with a simple "Thank You". I wasn't going to respond at all, but figured that sends the wrong message in it's own way.  I agree 100% they should be praying for the restoration vs. reasonable agreement. Initially that was what SIL was all for and back in January when I spoke to MIL, that was her prayer as well. It seems they gave up on that option pretty darn quick. It's surprising to me that they have chosen that route, but it is simpler than having to stand up for what you believe in. Just accept the chaos and poor life decisions, so H doesn't (and neither do they) have to face their demons. Stick your head in the sand and move on, like it never really happened at all. If we are going by what God wants, I don't think I have come across a verse that states "reasonable agreement" in reference to ending a marriage. The beauty of it is I don't need them in order for me to continue to stand for my marriage. :D

Yeah, it sounds just a bit syrupy Thunder.  ;D

At least you seem to have a clear idea on your MIL Fear....I wonder about mine. MIL called me to ask that I please answer Grumpy's call Sunday. They seemed happy when they heard that we are going to try and work things out. They've always given me hugs when they've seen me.

But yet, they really didn't put up much of a fight to keep OW out of their house when they knew what he was doing was wrong.
.
I get that they are our spouse's parents, but there comes a time when they need to tell their kid, "Okay, now you're just being stupid."

Kitty- I agree with you. I don't know why people have such a hard time standing up for what is just basic morals and values. I think the fear they have of losing their children is what propels it. That and that their children are a product of what they have done wrong perhaps. They see their failure/guilt in what their children are doing and to face it, means facing what has happened in the past and what their child is actually choosing to do, which in return requires self reflection. We know how difficult that can be.

You are in a bit of a tricky situation with them . They seem to be playing both sides a bit. At least mine is cut and dried. I know exactly where I stand. Keep your cards close Kitty!

In a positive light, my mom came to pick up some wreaths I made for her, so it was an impromptu visit, but well timed. I felt bad yet again, since there were tears. I keep hoping one of these days when I see her that the tear ducts will be sealed shut!! What a blessing mom's are!!

Hugs and Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 12, 2018, 07:46:26 PM
I have learned to keep my cards close when it comes to IL’s Fear. Grumpy got his conflict avoidance from his parents. They were/are playing both sides so as not to upset him.

I’ve pretty much distanced/detached myself from everyone. My family, his family, shared friends just because I know how my family will react if they knew the whole story and I don’t know if they would listen and try to understand if I explained it. His family is self explanatory, and I don’t want shared friends to feel like they have to choose sides.

It’s a good thing I’m an introvert and don’t mind being alone. ;D
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 13, 2018, 05:46:34 AM
Oh FN, I can totally relate!!  I too, have much more anger towards MIL than STBXH. Maybe because it's less complicated?  My MIL treated me like a daughter for 20 years.  Then I reached out to her twice in the beginning and.....nothing..nada...  I finally got a phone call during the jewish high holidays when people are supposed to ask for forgiveness and is was such a BS message!  Very similar to what you got.  Subtle digs (and yes, "reasonable agreement" is a dig).  When I think of her now, I also think of very very bad words in my head.  I also think she helped to create this mess.  I learned about "enmeshment" between parents and children, and she was typical.  Had an abusive husband and leaned on her older son for comfort. 

You have every right to be angry about this.  If I could give advice to new brides it would be to be careful about leaning on in-laws too much for familial support.  I have seen it over and over where it can just vanish when push comes to shove.

Many many hugs to you!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on June 13, 2018, 06:00:55 AM
Fear,

I would have been pissed, too - you know her 'reasonable agreement' is talking about the house issue. Probably H cried on mommy's shoulder about you being soooo mean to him.
Don't even get me started on in-laws. I was the best thing since sliced bread, I was their daughter and blablablablabla.....the minute he left - shunned by the whole damn bunch even though I did nothing. I think we get angrier at their behavior because our Hs are in crisis and acting crazy comes with the crisis. These in-laws should behave with common decency and like caring rational people, but obviously they just protect their poor baby boys that have been done so wrong by us.


Grrrr

I wouldn't even have replied. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on June 13, 2018, 06:08:30 AM

If I could give advice to new brides it would be to be careful about leaning on in-laws too much for familial support.  I have seen it over and over where it can just vanish when push comes to shove.


The old adage of blood being thicker than water sure slapped me hard upside the head. 

Most of the stories on here have the parents of the MLCer enabling and supporting the crazy and often nasty behavior of their child. 

Sorry, FN, that you received that message.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 13, 2018, 06:13:54 AM
I agree with S66, he probably was crying on her shoulder about how unreasonable you are being.

Just try to ignore.  I still would have asked her to pray for the restoration of your marriage, but that's just me.   ;D
At least she would know this is not something you want.

Ok, thanks was fine though.  :)  You have to do what makes you more comfortable, Fear.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 13, 2018, 07:30:18 AM
Thank you all for your support! And I am so sorry that you all have experienced this!! I had no idea it was such a common theme among us!!

I do believe the " reasonable agreement" comment is in direct relation to me not agreeing to H buyout. I mean come on, I gave him the cutting board he asked for!! That's an extremely reasonable move (on my part), totally irrational to ask for on his.  :D. But really it's none of their business, if your not interested in the whole story, then why bother? I wonder if H cried to his mommy that his W wouldn't let his OW move in? Lol. Highly doubt H told her that part. If they only knew the long laundry list of "unreasonable" when it comes to H!!

Kitty- You are a wise one! My circle is getting smaller and smaller and I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.

S66- I think you make a valid point about us being able to accept the crazy with the crisis and that the parents aren't in crisis, therefore our expectations are different!!

Family and SB- I think that advice is wise! I didn't believe it was true until it happened to me!! Blood really is thicker than water.

Thunder- in hindsight today, I kinda wish I would've said something about restoration. But then there is a part of me that knows they are going to report back to H, and the less I say, the less they have to work with. They have always been strong people of faith (so kinda baffled by their new outlook) and I feel like it would've been taken as a shot at them, to throw it back, since her message was all about prayers ::) and I am not looking to start that war. I will step peacefully aside ( and quietly add them to my prayer list) and let them twist in the wind as well. I have been living in discomfort for so long, not sure I know what comfort is anymore  ::). I spend more time stepping outside my box, than living in it! Lol. ;)

 I am glad that they are supporting their son, which is something they have not done in the past, but I don't understand why they can't differentiate between supporting their children and condoning their behavior.

 When H came home after Christmas/BD for the one night before peace-ing out for good, one of the first things he told me was that his dad said he loved him as he was leaving their home. Among all the crazy we had going on, he held onto that. I think that speaks volumes about his relationship with them and why he is in this situation to begin with. It's just unfortunate they choose now to be actively supporting, when they wouldn't even come to the hospital when he had his heart attack. They decided to "wait and see" what happens :o.  So much FOO poo.  ;)

Hugs and Prayersm
FN
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 13, 2018, 10:33:36 AM
Venting...

This is probably going to come off sounding haughty and mean and self centered, but I need to just vent it. The golf league I am with posted pics of our round last week where  SIL attended for guest night. I had tagged her in some of the pics because they were fun and she was so excited about being there. SIL texted me saying she didn't like how she looked and that she was afraid of her brother's wrath and had removed the tags. I then said, "sorry, my bad." SIL wrote back a big long explanation about how it wasn't my fault, she didn't want H to find out on social media that we are associating etc (I didn't tell her that I have blocked H). She will tell him in her own time because she doesn't want him to get the wrong idea. :o  What idea would that be exactly? I guess consorting with the enemy? My response "smiley emojii" and not big smiley. I am getting much better at this no response thing, even though my insides scream to say what I really mean.

So somehow in all of this... I have become the dirty little secret, the OW. The one to not be associated with. SIL was able to text me ASAP and tell me about the OW being invited to dinner and wanted to discuss. I was the one that was expected to just accept it and not be upset. That we should have a casual conversation about it.  That I the "W" was supposed to accept that they are the ones hanging out with the "OW". But I am the one that has to be hidden!!?! I am the one that she can't  freely associate with,!?!?. SIL is here to support me, but I have to remain a secret ?  It gets clearer and clearer every day where I stand on this and just how screwed up this situation really is.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on June 13, 2018, 11:12:38 AM
FN - well, it seems SIL is also showing you that blood is thicker than water. 

I'm so sorry.  You have been very gracious.  I would not do as well as you have.  After this latest episode I would be totally distancing myself and detaching from her.  The contact would make me angry and stir up way too many emotions. 

Sending support. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 13, 2018, 11:47:56 AM
SB-Thank you for your support!  Yes she is showing that! I kept the golf date with her because we had booked it previously (the day H declared on FB he left me and SIL invited OW for dinner) but alas I am a sucker for punishment  ::). I have been trying to distance myself from her (she's been texting almost daily) and I've kept it light and no mention of H whatsoever. Time for even less...

I HAVE to distance myself and detach from H's family.. all of them. I have most certainly been shown that over the last couple weeks. It's time for me to truly listen to that voice and follow through. I have treated them all with dignity, and conducted my self in a positive manner and have no reason to feel bad for what I need to do. Time to peace out before I put myself in a situation where I can no longer say that.

It boggles my mind, that I feel guilty for detaching from them. I have no reason to, yet I do. I have tried to be gracious and not speak ill of H with them, and I have accomplished that. I have defended him to SIL, numerous times. And yet here I sit. This is all so dark and twisty.

Why can't I win the lottery and buy my own island? It's just too darn peopley out here lately!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on June 13, 2018, 11:57:00 AM
Seriously ???? What is she ? 5 ? She's afraid of what her brother might say ???? I would cut her out starting today - that just takes the cake.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Kitty on June 13, 2018, 12:10:46 PM
Hi FearNot,
 It doesn't sound haughty, or self centered at all. It's wrong of SIL to do what she did, her saying she did it just because she doesn't like the way she looks sounds like a load of BS.

An LBS island sounds like a good place to be.

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 13, 2018, 01:49:56 PM
Ugh!    >:(

You are no ones dirty little secret, Fear!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 14, 2018, 06:08:23 AM
Oh and P.S.  I meant to say that I just LOVED Thunder's response to MIL.  I wish I could have thought of something similar when my MIL pulled that crap.

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 14, 2018, 08:42:40 AM
Thank you HS peeps! I loved Thunders response as well!

The drama continued with apology/sorry if she upset me messages. I ended up replying " Yes you did upset me. I know that wasn't your intention." Hoping it could be left at that.  I figured I would use the same theory as dealing with H. No need for explanations or mincing words, explaining myself or laying blame. Keep it simple. Her next message sent to me was a copy/paste of one sent to my H (her Brother) asking if he was ok with her keeping in touch with me, I've been a part of the family for a long time, she wants me to know that she cares, but she wouldn't speak of him to me. H's reply was it was up to her. I messaged her and said that although I appreciate her efforts and her good intentions, perhaps for now it's best to put this on hold. I think it's best she concentrates on her relationships within her family and with her brother.

I don't need the drama of this. These last couple of days have been difficult and emotional. It is time for me to remove myself from the equation. The fact that she feels the need to ask permission as to whether she should be able to have a relationship, tells me that it's not one that I want, nor should it be one she's having if she requires validation from him. I know I have hurt her by stopping this, but I have to put myself first in this situation as well. The cons out weigh the pros. Maybe down the road it can be revisited, but at this time, it's not in my best interests, it makes me feel terrible. I feel as things probably ramp up between H and I, the more I disagree about the house etc. the more difficult it will become and I don't want to have to be concerned about this.

Time to let go and let God. If it's supposed to be, He will lead the way. These things are to heavy to carry on my own.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 14, 2018, 08:48:23 AM
Fear, I agree with your decision 1000%.

You just don't need this kind of drama right now.  So yes, let go and let God.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 14, 2018, 09:15:55 AM
Good for you FN!  It's too difficult and you are too raw to be able to adequately protect yourself right now from her drama.  Weird that she wanted permission!  It would be understandable if she just chose to let him know she is continuing her relationship with you, but to ask is weird. The whole in-law thing is another MLC mine field in and of it self.  I'm so happy that you are taking care of yourself and putting your needs first!  You teach people how you want to be treated and you are teaching her to respect you.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FaithWalker on June 14, 2018, 11:51:35 AM
The whole in-law relationship is sounding familiar and makes me sad.  These MLCers do not realize how many waves of collateral damage they cause.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 14, 2018, 02:14:03 PM
Good for you FN!  It's too difficult and you are too raw to be able to adequately protect yourself right now from her drama.  Weird that she wanted permission!  It would be understandable if she just chose to let him know she is continuing her relationship with you, but to ask is weird. The whole in-law thing is another MLC mine field in and of it self.  I'm so happy that you are taking care of yourself and putting your needs first!  You teach people how you want to be treated and you are teaching her to respect you.

Family-Thank you!  The fact that she felt the need to ask permission was a big red flag for me. To me that states loud and clear that SIL is not able to really be objective about any of this. She is too worried about H reaction and is not able to remove herself from the situation like she states.

The whole in-law relationship is sounding familiar and makes me sad.  These MLCers do not realize how many waves of collateral damage they cause.

FW- Makes me sad too. Seems every corner you turn, there's another bucket of tears to be cried. Whether it's for us, our marriage, our families, their families, and the list goes on. But tears are healing  :D even if I did have to get a better moisturizer because of all the salt  ;).

In other news:

H asked for my lawyers name and number today... shortly after SIL messaged him  ::) Pot got stirred!!

I was having a conversation with a girlfriend and her significant other last night. Her SO asked a few questions as to what was going on, as he hadn't been privy to all of our conversations. I gave him a very edited version. His statement: Your H has a severe case of "V@g!n@l hypnosis"... that's gonna last awhile, at least a couple years until he looses everything and comes to his senses!! I really and truly LOL. He pegged it! It seems like V@g!n@l hypnosis is yet another symptom of the MLC'ers (males) who choose to have an affair, fall ill with!! H does seem to act a little hypnotized, not in the good way (as in giving up their vices), in the comical way where you do really stupid $h!te that you would never, ever, think of doing unless under hypnosis and someone snaps there fingers and tells you to do it!!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 14, 2018, 02:25:01 PM
That's funny, Fear.   ;D

Does he think he can now try to reason with your lawyer?  Bwha ha
You're not falling for it so maybe your lawyer will.   ::) ::)

He's in for a big surprise because she can't talk to him or tell him anything.  Ha ha
She can only communicate with his so called lawyer.

He's getting desperate.   :)
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 14, 2018, 03:35:47 PM
He's getting desperate.   :)  - Yep!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 15, 2018, 10:11:46 AM

So the SIL saga continues...

 I was feeling terrible about having to shut that relationship down, I cried all day at work. I was a disaster about this. I prayed about it all the way home. I was really torn with my decision. I asked God, that if I was supposed to keep her in my life I needed to know. Let me know somehow, someway.

I was giving my mom a recap of the days events and talking about the SIL situation. I receive a text from SIL that says " Has H said anything about moving home?" Which was really odd, we haven't discussed any of what has been happening even weeks prior to her inviting OW to her home. The only way she would know is if H said something to her. I text back, saying "Yes he mentioned it awhile ago, but said OW was part of the package. I said she wasn't welcome. Haven't heard from H about that since." She messages back saying " You need to protect yourself. She is crazy and she will try to get you to do something against her. Don't let them push you around, stand your ground. OW is very manipulative, promise me you'll protect yourself first. I don't care that he's my brother. This is wrong."My gut said I needed to talk to her.  I  hang up from Mom and call.

SIL is in tears, worried sick because H texted her last night that he's moving back in when he gets back from Vegas (confirmed he left today with the OW in tow). She didn't know if I was aware, didn't want to meddle, but wanted me to know. She didn't want me to be blindsided by this. I told her I was aware. She kept saying how she doesn't even know who he is, can't believe the things he's doing, the hurt he is causing me, the way he is being manipulated by this woman, the problems it's causing in their family. I told her he is not the Brother or H that we formerly knew. He is not himself. This isn't abnormal, but it will need to run it's course and there will be devastation in the wake of it. My heart honestly broke for her, because I feel like she finally saw this for what it is. She did tell me that when the OW was at her house, and she was giving her the house tour, they were alone in the bedroom. She told OW that she loved me, and was heartbroken that H walked away from our marriage. OW responded that "Oh ya, me too, I know she's a great person, I've encouraged H to go talk to her."  :o Like OW would do that ::). Lol. There was more convo about the lies of OW, how she told SIL she knew someone that SIL worked with, they were great friends etc. When SIL mentioned it to the person, they had no idea who she even was. I told her I have known since the beginning that they have built their whole R on lies. . It will crumble eventually. SIL also said all she talked about was money, money, investments, and more money.  ::) Go figure... hence fighting so hard to get the W out of the dream house on the golf course... knew that was a motivator as well.

I decided to be truthful with SIL and told her that I faced nothing but wrath from H for 3 weeks. That she should be prepared that if she communicates with me, and he knows he will most likely cut her out of his life. Anything that does not fit their agenda will be tossed aside. SIL said that H has cut her from his life before and she doesn't care. ( I know she cares  :'() I told her that I would not be the catalyst for that, that they were finally making headway in their R. She said H asked her why she wanted to have anything to do with me, when we really haven't hung out prior. She told him because I care for her and she is family. H said do what you want then.

She wants me to stand my ground, don't give up, don't play their games, don't take the bait. I told her I appreciate that she let me know. I fully intend on holding my ground. She also confirmed OW has moved into basement with H and was surprised about it. Told her I already suspected that. No surprise to me. But if he plans on moving home, is OW really going to live in the basement suite by herself, while H lives with his W? I highly doubt that, and if it did happen, that would certainly cause issues. And if OW still thinks she's moving in, she has a huge reality check coming her way, delivered by the authorities, and could very well entail a restraining order. I will not put up with that crap, not for one single dang minute.

I can already see the game H is starting to play here. Using SIL to see if she will tell me. I told her she cannot speak of this with H. That we still need to keep things on hold. She asked if we could at least call on occasion and pray together. I agreed to that. I feel like that was the answer that I needed from God.

H is getting desperate. He did send his lawyers name to me and he still doesn't have the last name right. :-\ ( come on, please, please learn to use google). They are in Vegas for 10 days, so I am hoping for a peaceful 10 days.

TGIF my HS peeps!
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Schratz66 on June 15, 2018, 10:21:06 AM
Wow - another classy OW. I'm glad that you had this talk with SIL but I still would not really trust her in the long run.
It's all about the dream house for OW - that seems clear - I still don't understand how in any of their scenarios in their minds they will pull it off that you would let both of them move in with you ?
Enjoy the 10 days of peace before the $h!te hits the fan.
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: Thunder on June 15, 2018, 10:48:38 AM
Yes Fear, I think God did give you a sign.  Even though she is his sister, she is starting to see this ow for what she is.  That's a good thing.

You know darn well this woman will NOT move in with you no matter what anyone says...so just relax and if she shows up..call the cops and have her removed.  YOU are living in this house now, not your H.  If he wants to move back in for now fine, but not with the likes of her.  The cops would understand you don't bring your gf to live with your wife.  Good grief.

Which means he will not be moving back in, she would never allow that.  So more time in the house for you.  : ))
Nice chat with your SIL. 
Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: stillbaffled on June 15, 2018, 11:08:03 AM
If I wasn't so busy with summer purge here right now, I'd be showing up at your place with my golf clubs on July first.   I think you could use some LBS backup.   How great it would be to have many of us there just watching to see what your MLCer was going to try and get away with. 

Continued support, FN. 

Like S66 I'm not so sure about your SIL.  I guess the blood thicker than water has me just too jaded these days.  Keep praying about it and hopefully God will give you peace about it which ever way it's going to go. 

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on June 15, 2018, 11:40:02 AM
That must have been incredibly validating though! I guess my advice is to play it by ear with SIL.  Pray and listen to your "belly barometer"

Even though it hurts to think of them away with OW, it really is much more peaceful when they are gone I have found. 

You are doing great, and it seems like he is weakly or laughingly trying to throw down the gauntlet with the house thing.  Small piece of advice, not sure of the laws where you are, but can you plant cameras around? Like Nanny cams? in case she tries something? I think they are much cheaper than you would expect.  A friend of mine who does media work has them all over and I couldn't believe how cheap it was.  I would hate to see her goad you into something.  Also, what are the trespassing laws? 

I'm getting the bucket of popcorn to watch our heroine slay the evil villain(s)

Title: Re: My Story Isn't Over Yet 2
Post by: FearNot on June 15, 2018, 01:56:42 PM
S66- They always pick the classy ones, right?!?!  I am going to enjoy knowing that H can't stop by at any given minute (although he hasn't been prone to that) and is otherwise occupied.  :P

Yes Fear, I think God did give you a sign.  Even though she is his sister, she is starting to see this ow for what she is.  That's a good thing.

You know darn well this woman will NOT move in with you no matter what anyone says...so just relax and if she shows up..call the cops and have her removed.  YOU are living in this house now, not your H.  If he wants to move back in for now fine, but not with the likes of her.  The cops would understand you don't bring your gf to live with your wife.  Good grief.

Which means he will not be moving back in, she would never allow that.  So more time in the house for you.  : ))
Nice chat with your SIL. 

Thunder- I agree it is a good thing. As heart wrenching as it is for her to see that he is not the man she knows either.  I have my action plan in place for the "just in case" scenario. I really think my H is too chicken to do this. OW might be ballsy enough but he certainly isn't. And ya, I'm pretty sure the cops have dealt with this before and won't have an issue with having her removed. Boy would that be some good material for our small town gossip circles. 8)

SB- Too bad there's so much on your agenda! It would be great to swing some clubs with you ;)  I would love for them to walk into a house full of LBS! Ahhh but alas a girl can dream!

Family I have to admit it was validating and it was ok to hear about OW. It didn't ruin me like it did a few weeks ago. Thanks for the ideas, and I will read up on our trespassing laws. Didn't really think of that one... I just went straight to restraining order... sounds like way more fun ;). I will put on my armour and be ready should the need arise.  I had posted a pic of it in my second thread. Not really conducive to golfing... but definitely conducive to slaying evil villain(s).
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/Y9ezy3pmpKdQk/200w.webp)

 I am going to continue with prayers for guidance with SIL and follow the " belly barometer" ( I like the term Family). I am going to keep my distance and limit contact to prayers once in awhile, and go back to not sharing information unless I absolutely feel the need to. I really don't want to cause her anymore hurt with this, and I do need to be careful for my own reasons. I need to save my energy for the dragon slaying I might have to do in July!!

Oh and I booked a tee time tomorrow morning!

Hugs and Prayers,
FN