Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Milly on May 10, 2018, 12:40:26 PM

Title: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 10, 2018, 12:40:26 PM
Hello all and welcome to my new thread. BD this month 4 years ago. I never thought I'd still be here 4 years later. I thought if I could make it through 1 year, I'd be all better. And yet 1 year seemed like millions of months away. These 4 years passed fairly quickly. I'm going to say for newbies reading, that you sort of get into a rhythm, and life goes on.

Recap:
Married 1989, together 4 years before that.  3 kids: D23, D20, S13
H started becoming horrible about 5 years before BD.
I didn't know what was wrong with him. I knew it was a mental problem but was looking up psychopath. He had withdrawn from us, no longer spending time with us at the weekends, going out with his buddies drinking, became very angry, scary angry, anything would have him shouting his head off. I was scared, so were the girls.

He lost his F, with whom he had a bad relationship, 5 years before BD, then his M the following year, and then his sister 7 months before BD. 2 years before BD, our oldest D went off to school. I think my H really suffered when D went away, and that's when the EA started.  I believe it became PA soon after his sister died.

H is still with the alienator although they live in different countries so they don't live together. They take turns going to each other's country. H is still in replay but beginning to bear the consequences of his bad decisions and over spending. I am suing him for not having paid us maintenance since July 2015. He has many debts and continuous to add to them by living a crazy, single man's life.

Close friends of both of us have told me recently that he often cries in front of them. He's crying because he feels life has been unfair to him. He complains to them and me that he has nothing. He means no money. He has been awful monster again lately and used the threat of D as a means to upset me.

None of my kids like the OW. D23 is the one who is closest to H, D20 refuses to speak to her dad since he and OW are suing her and me for an event last August. (news on this to follow).

S13 hardly sees his dad. H comes and goes out of S's life. Sometimes he contacts and takes him out to dinner, maybe once a month, then S doesn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. We never know if he's in our country or gone.

I sold our family home and business last October. I now live in a small rental in Florence with S13. I have started working for the new owner of my old business.

Gosh, I was planning on making it a quick update. Sorry.
I'll post this and the links and then tell you my news.

Previous thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9885.0
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: serenity on May 10, 2018, 01:44:06 PM
Hello Milly

Welcome to your new thread.

Sadly your story has many similarities to mine. My H started changing about 4 years before BD. It’s hard to witness and of course we haven’t a clue at that stage what’s going on!

It took me quite a while to cotton on it really wasn’t about me at all!

I have huge regrets about not going after my H with a solicitor over finances. I was very foolish and lost so much!

Hugs

X

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 10, 2018, 03:02:11 PM
Hi Serenity, thanks for joining my new thread and I'm sorry you lost out financially. I think we all lost in this way, some more and some less. It hurts to reach this point in life and not have financial security or what we should have had after all the years of hard work and sacrifice.

So, I feel I might have raised all your expectations and you might be thinking I've either won the lottery or found the new love of my life. I wish (the latter)! No, it's simpler than that.

So earlier today, at lunch time, I posted on other threads but didn't want to write on my own for fear of jinxing myself. At 3pm I went to an auction. This is the 4th auction I've been involved with and they never went right for me.

I met up with the auction agent half an hour before the auction and she told me to be prepared to bid quite a bit, that the property market is moving up rapidly and there is a rush to buy at auction, so much so that it's reaching regular retail prices.

I know this is true, as this has been the problem in the previous auctions. Today, I was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be buying anything. The previous times, I had a bottle of prosecco in the fridge all ready for my purchase. I'd shown everyone photos and had planned the furniture. This time I convinced myself that I didn't even want the place and unless it went for it's base price, I wasn't going to bid at all.

I have to say that I am worried that the house market is turning here and I did sell at the bottom of the market. I feel this need to buy at the bottom too otherwise the money I made on the sale of my home and business will be worth very little.

So I go into the auction hall, there are a few people, but not a lot. 12 properties were being sold at 3pm. I told the auction agent that there weren't even 12 buyers present. When I went to visit the property, half the village had turned up to view it, which had worried me.

We're sitting there and the solicitor running the auction calls out my name and asks me if the base price is ok for me. I say yes. He knocks the thing and tells me it's mine. That's it! 5 minutes and I'd bought myself a property (albeit a little one), mortgage free, in a very desirable location, at way under the market value! I can't believe it!

I didn't expect to get it at all. Neither did the agent. She told me to prepare myself for the price to double and to buy it anyway. She is 44 and also has a broken marriage. She told me she lost absolutely everything 4 years ago. This is a fairly new career for her and I'm her first full client that she's followed from scratch so she was so excited. I took her out to a lovely bar in the center of Florence for a Prosecco to celebrate.

I can't believe I was given this opportunity. I feel so empowered. I feel like I earned this, which I did I know, but this is a biggy and it's all mine, in that I own it and it's all due to my credit. No one can take it away from me.

The apartment is in the village where my old house and business is. I intend to rent it out to tourists on a weekly basis and then I'm going to take out a small mortgage and buy something else.

I have this sensation that my life is going to change in a big way in the next 5 years. This frees me up to make choices that are not long term. I don't need to buy the house for grandchildren right now. I can play around as if I were young and un-attached. All I need for now is enough room for me, S13, and my Ds when they visit.

S13 went home after school by himself, quite a long trek, bus then tram. He sent me a message at 3.30pm in English: what append? I hadn't realized that he had had expectations of the auction.  I had barely mentioned it because I hadn't wanted to disappoint him again.

I couldn't wait to get home to tell him. He was asleep when I arrived because he is a little sick. When he woke up I told him. I saw his face lift. He hasn't seen it and asked me to describe it. I said to him 'When I won this auction I felt like.....' and he finished my sentence, 'you succeeded.' I said, yes. He was so happy.

When I walked out of the auction room, I thought of H and what a miserable, lonely, sad man he's become. My MIL once said about a truck driver who honked at her for driving badly, that he was dust to the wind. She meant he was long gone in the distance and she couldn't care less what he thought. Today I thought of my H as being so far behind me. It felt good. That Karma bus, as they keep telling us, has already left the station. Today I felt it found its way across the ocean and up a windy road to the top of a hill in Tuscany.

Today was a great day for my family.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Strongcurrent on May 10, 2018, 06:03:59 PM
Lovely post Milly - congratulations your are paving your way forward for you and your children - congratulations !

SC x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on May 10, 2018, 08:22:18 PM
Awesome news,  Milly!   ;D

I wish I could see pictures - I'm happy for you and the kids.   You must be on cloud nine!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Upintheair on May 10, 2018, 11:04:46 PM
Milly, it was very pleasant to read your update! Congrats! Path to a new bright light, I am happy for you :) !
Upintheair
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Whyus on May 10, 2018, 11:20:07 PM
Great News Milly, im so Happy for you..... i may be interested in a week in 2019 if its ready.
Things are looking up
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on May 11, 2018, 12:48:02 AM
Great news Milly, so very happy for you, go girl!!! x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Keep believing on May 11, 2018, 01:48:02 AM
Milly, i felt your excitement. Its great news. As for your recap, its exactly mine.  These hs just wont go there.( liminiality) .  Now ,i just want to you to be careful. Can your h claim your new property if you get d? Believe me , i hate d but sometimes you need to protect your assets.  Talk to someone to keep it secure for you especially if it will double in price!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on May 11, 2018, 03:45:11 AM
Lovely news, Milly - is it to live in or just as a rental for income?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on May 11, 2018, 04:16:35 AM
I’m grinning from ear to ear about the fantastic news re the auction! 
Now that you have this property for rental, I might even consider a trip your way.  Always loved Tuscany...

Keep Believing brings up an important legal point.  Your H is broke, out of his mind and under the influence of a master manipulator.  Nothing is sacred in their eyes.  Just make sure they can never ever put their dirty little paws on YOUR property!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Antigone on May 11, 2018, 04:28:29 AM
Totally exciting!
Very happy & proud of you.
A new place for your new life.
I actually feel giggly. Evviva!!!
Antigone

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: dogwalker on May 11, 2018, 04:33:43 AM
Fantastic new Milly. I have followed your storys since I "joined" 2.5 years ago. Its sooooooo nice to hear the sun is shineing on you and it all down to you. The best of luck in your new home.. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on May 11, 2018, 04:40:20 AM
Oh, what a wonderful update.! As you know, I don't get on here much right now, but I'm so so happy to read your news! What a feeling of accomplishment. You did this all by yourself! Leave h to his tears, and just keep doing you. You do it wonderfully ;)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: forthetrees on May 11, 2018, 05:47:29 AM
Woot Woot. Love the idea of prosecco for its bubbles and the light and bubbly feeling this must bring to you and yours. Nothing like financial security to serve as a comforting blanket. The Universe is spinning in your favor!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on May 11, 2018, 06:07:50 AM
This is great news!  Fantastic!  And like many others here, I'm thinking about visiting.   :D  Are you going to put it on Airbnb?  Good luck with everything.xoxo
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: 1trouble on May 11, 2018, 02:25:20 PM
Milly I am so happy to read your update


I can't believe I was given this opportunity. I feel so empowered. I feel like I earned this, which I did I know, but this is a biggy and it's all mine, in that I own it and it's all due to my credit. No one can take it away from me.

I have this sensation that my life is going to change in a big way in the next 5 years. This frees me up to make choices that are not long term. Today was a great day for my family.

I have picked out the quotes above from your latest post, I want you to remember the feelings they encapsulate this is in essence what you need to do to carry on being successful...if you can call on these happy feelings and optimistic feelings going forward it will mean you will get what you are feeling over and over again..............it will also mean you will give out a very positive confident self assured energy to all you meet and there is nothing more attractive and engaging than someone who looks and acts like they know what they want in life, where they are going and what they deserve...

you deserve this so enjoy it xx
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Thunder on May 11, 2018, 03:47:00 PM
Milly, this is the bestest darn post I've read in a long time!   :)

I am so proud of you and so very happy for you.
You have come such a long way and deserve every single good thing that happens in your life.

I'm sorry, I don't usually call these MLC spouses names, but your H is a complete IDIOT letting you go.  He will SO regret this.   ::)

Congrats!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hopeandfaith on May 11, 2018, 04:20:43 PM
You know when you watch movies where the heroine finally breaks free from her chains and comes into her own power and the audience is gleeful.  We feel this win with you Milly.  Woohoo!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 12, 2018, 02:30:01 AM
Just a quickie to thank you al for your lovely, affectionate posts. There are so many of you to thank (yes, I'm giving my thank you speech for winning my Oscar!) and I mean it from my heart when I say that I loved reading all of your posts. You guys are the best!

Just a few answers to some of your questions:
I am protected legally, H can not get his hands on my property.

Yes, this is a rental, not for living in. I will be up and ready to rent by this summer, so if any of you should be interested just pm me. It's a new apartment in the middle of the village, so not out in the country if that's the style you prefer. But it means people can just walk out the door and go for dinner and coffee and ice cream and take the bus into Florence instead of driving.

1trouble, really great advice regarding holding onto to the happy feelings in order to be able to reach them at any time. Love the idea of giving off positive ATTRACTIVE energy!

Love that I appear like a heroine breaking away from my chains.

Yes, bubbly moment in my life! Reminds me to buy some Prosecco for tonight!

Dogwalker, thanks for reading my thread all this time.

Thunder, love that I got you to call my MLCer a 'bad' name! Thanks for the compliment!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Keep believing on May 12, 2018, 04:33:41 AM
Thats even better news that your protected legally with your property!   How exciting!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Mortesbride on May 14, 2018, 04:44:51 AM
Just catching up, attaching, and hope you enjoyed the gift basket from the Karma bus!  8) :-*
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 14, 2018, 02:58:42 PM
Thank you, Keep, for thinking about the stuff that could really get me in trouble. Morte, like I said, your 2018 production at the Karma Factory is totally sold out!

I'm lurching and reading peoples' posts. Sorry if i'm not finding the energy to put in my 2 cents, I'm knackered tonight. Got a lot on work wise but positive, but leaving no time to write.

Someone please remind me to update on the suing business between H, OW/psycho witch and me and poor, lovely, sweet, caring, wonderful D20.

Was out at my old business/winery all day today getting prepared for my first tasting of the season tomorrow. Place looked like absolute crap this morning, builders and cement mixers, bits of plastic, tubes, awful total mess everywhere. Worked all day with the lovely lady who had worked for me since S13 was born. Scraped fresh paint off the floor of the sales room with my nails. Just repainted them.

Told the new owner, when he asked for info on stuff tonight, that I was exhausted and could not answer for a couple of days. That me and the lovely lady had been two Cinderellas today. He did answer in a caring way. He said he was sorry to hear this and that he did hope I would be getting to the ball. It gave me a good laugh.

Tomorrow morning, shower and hair, then jeans and trainers to go and finish setting up the tasting. Around 1.30pm, I will do a Wonder Woman spin and change into 'fancy' clothes to welcome my first tour of the season as if nothing unusual has happened since last October.

Tomorrow night, Prosecco!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on May 14, 2018, 03:54:31 PM
Sorry to hear so tired Milly, you have such a strong work ethic. Good luck with the tasting, hope it is a great success, wish I was there!

Would love to hear an update on the case when you have the time/energy! I hope it is good news! 🤞
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Reallytrying on May 14, 2018, 04:06:40 PM
Congrats! Sorry you’ve been tired but I hope the tasting went well.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on May 14, 2018, 07:18:05 PM

Tomorrow morning, shower and hair, then jeans and trainers to go and finish setting up the tasting. Around 1.30pm, I will do a Wonder Woman spin and change into 'fancy' clothes to welcome my first tour of the season as if nothing unusual has happened since last October.


I would love to see this! 

I hope all goes as you would like.   

Update us on the suing when you catch your breath. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 15, 2018, 06:52:38 AM
Sounds a bit like someone at the Winery forgot the P7 Principle (Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pitifully Poor Performance ) and you pulled off another miracle... I mean, seriously, who has cement mixers and tubes 2 days before a big event?

The property sounds great. I know enough about that area to be able to imagine roughly where the flat is and that is such a wonderful area... I have a lot of great memories of a couple of summer vacations in Tuscany but it may take me a while to go back because they all involved STBXW...

Getting it at auction for base price is a GREAT thing and I am REALLY glad for you... It gives you a base to start from to grow your empire!

Baroness Milly... I like the sound of that.. ;)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Mitzpah on May 15, 2018, 11:52:27 AM
Milly,

Just catching up! Lovely news!!! So glad you were able to get the place at base price, the sun is shining!!!!

I agree that having some financial stability really boosts our morale ;)

I hope the tasting goes well.

Congratulations
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 15, 2018, 12:18:29 PM
Aww, guys, you are just so sweet that I have to thank you CLG, Really, Still, UM, and Mizpah. The tasting did go well. The place was stunning by the time the 'people' arrived. Just gorgeous, straight from a magazine. I took before and after pictures for the new owner.

It was really crazy until the last moment. It poured during the whole tasting but everyone was happy. Once they left, I came home and lay down never to move again!

I'm posting from my bed, something I never do (unless I'm on holiday). I am EXHAUSTED!!! Not too exhausted to drink, though! The little TV's on, making noise behind my PC screen, S13 brought me a big glass of white wine and a bowl of soup.

And so the tasting season begins. I make money on tastings on top of my salary so I really want it to go well. I do enjoy them though, it's not just about the money. The people are fascinating and are so grateful to be taught about wine in a way that makes it less scary.

UM, If you've been to my area, you probably do know my village, it's the main one in Chianti Classico. If you don't know my village, you know the one beside it and it's the same thing, basically. Thank you so much for saying I worked a miracle. YESTERDAY morning: corrugated tubes everywhere, cement mixer as you say, junk, wires, buckets of rubbish, large black bin bags of 'stuff', piles of cement bags, large wood planks for scaffolding on the ground and against the walls, the whole tasting area covered in thick paper, painters walking about dribbling cream paint, painty foot prints following them, sales room not even painted yet never mind having wine in it, no furniture unpacked yet, no plants set out, NO GRAVEL, ie the outside floor - just mud! Large tools, large plastic coverings in piles, tiny bits of coloured plastic everywhere, cigarette buts, where the grass could it grew knee high between stuff. No furniture, no accessories in the rest room - couldn't be done earlier since the builders still needed to finish it.

I don't know how we did.

I had brought my make up and hair curler in a little paper bag. 5 minutes before they arrived I did my hair and reapplied my make up. Walked outside with my jacket on and big scarf wrapped around my shoulders. I was there waiting for them as they drove up as if I had had nothing to do.

UM, thanks for the knighthood! Baroness Milly, that's cute!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FaithWalker on May 15, 2018, 05:46:25 PM
Catching up Milly.  Wow!  That's incredible! 

Also super thrilled to hear about your property blessings.  Yes!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Keep believing on May 16, 2018, 02:40:04 AM
What happened with your ds job through your h ?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 16, 2018, 03:01:01 AM
Milly, the time I spent in that area was in the area around Tavernelle and Marcialla so that gives you an idea...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on May 16, 2018, 04:22:54 AM
You’re a miracle worker Milly, no wonder exhausted, lovely son looking after you. It must be a bit strange going to the winery with all the changes, and it now being your workplace for someone else, it was your home for so long.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 16, 2018, 11:08:32 AM
Faith, thanks for the good wishes for my property!

Hi CLG, it is funny to be out at my old winery and have it belong to someone else. While it was being refurbished it looked like such a mess that I was totally ok about it, but like today while I was there waiting for my tasting clients to arrive, I felt like an intruder sitting in the living room.

UM, I'm in Greve in Chianti, about 20 minutes from Tavarnelle. Did you come visit my village while you were here?

Keep, thanks for asking. H is in contact with D20 about the summer job. I can see her emails, she doesn't know, and I saw that he has been communicating about dates and accommodation. I don't want to pressure her by asking her if she's in contact with him, I'm sure she'll tell me when she's ready. I used to ask her all the time if 'Daddy' had emailed her and I sensed it was getting too much for her, so I've stepped back. The job training is supposed to happen at the end of June when she gets back. I am a little surprised that H is carrying through with this. I thought he would disappear.

So because of Keep's question I've remembered to tell you the latest on H and his psycho witch suing D20 and me. When I saw my lawyer last week I think it was, she told me that my suing L had been notified that the PM as it's called here (public minister/officer) DA maybe in English, sent a request to the judge for H and OW's case to be closed. Basically the DA thinks that H and OW don't have a valid case, or the DA thinks that pursuing this will cause more harm than good. The judge has the last word but my L says that it's very rare for a judge to insist on going to trial for a case the DA thinks is not worth doing.

Of course D20 and I are very relieved. D20 doesn't want to get too excited until she sees the notice from the judge confirming this. You know how this MLC makes us all wary of the unexpected. Still, if the DA had pushed the case on that would have been horrendous. The good thing is that H and OW don't know this news because their L didn't ask to be notified at every step. I do wonder whether their L did this on purpose. Anyway, if the judge confirms the shutting of the case, H and OW have 15 days to appeal. We are hoping they are not going to know in time. So fingers crossed there.

However, D20 and I are countersuing H and OW to protect ourselves. Following my L's advice, we decided to do this to give us bargaining power, which didn't work any way. Last December we offered to drop our case if they dropped theirs. H and OW refused to drop theirs and wanted it to go all the way. I don't want to jinx myself by saying anything karma-like yet.

So because D20 and I also have suits against H and OW, and since we have not had notice that the DA has asked for our cases to be dropped, our cases are going ahead. How bizarre is that? Basically we would never have sued if H and OW hand't sued us, and it turns out that our cases have validity. Obviously a dad being aggressive to his child is very serious. I am suing OW for defamation as she told/shouted at everyone in the street that my H left me not because of her but because I didn't have sex with him for 3 years. Ooh how I would love to win that case against her and have her pay me compensation!

But I have no plans to reach that point. As soon as the judge confirms the position with H and OW against D20 and me, we will then drop our cases. I do not want to be attached to H and OW over stuff that the OW can use to lure my H even more towards her. I want her out of my life.

For any newbies reading, don't insult the OW in public or in writing because these people are vicious. They don't just want your spouses, they want to destroy you. Don't let them have this power. Plus, as they tell us and I ignored, if you are mean to the OW, your H will have to man up and be the knight he gave the OW the impression he was. He will have to allow her to speak badly about you. My H allowed the OW to speak badly about his D! And he allowed her to demand he sue his D! You don't get worse people than that.

So, although I'm still dealing with lawyers over this suing business, I'm hoping that by the end of summer, or at the latest by the end of the year, this is another thing we'll be able to put behind us. H, on the other hand, is losing any sympathy we might still have. He's digging himself a giant hole. I use the imperfect form of the verb 'to dig', because I'm sure H has plans to increase his hole. I'm not sure that came out right!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: 20thcenturygirl on May 16, 2018, 11:39:19 AM
Milly, I am so pleased to hear that the ridiculous case against you and your D will probably be dropped. 

Quote
For any newbies reading, don't insult the OW in public or in writing because these people are vicious. They don't just want your spouses, they want to destroy you. Don't let them have this power. 

This is such great advice and I am going to try to remember this.   I am so intrigued by the OW I almost got in touch with one of her ex H's (who had custody of the kids and will not be in the same room as her) .  I managed to stop myself and I really have to remind myself to be the bigger person.  Thank-you for reminding me again! 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on May 16, 2018, 12:01:31 PM
Excellent news about the case Milly!! That the MA didn’t want to pursue, and yet still allowed your counter suit, is pretty huge. Karma bus anyone?

And I have just the biggest smile on my face thinking about you and your sweet boy talking about your new property and how he knows you so well he finished your sentences. Love!!! And him bringing you soup and wine. What a gem!

I’m so happy things are going well Milly. You deserve all this good fortune and much much more.

Hugs friend!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CallingHeart on May 16, 2018, 01:00:54 PM
Wow - You are brining up some very fond memories!!

Tuscany is so beautiful and indeed you are blessed with your properties!!

Hwow and I stayed at Poderi Arcangelo farmhouse near San Gimignano for part of our honeymoon.    Rome, San Gimignano, then Florence.   
(we never could figure out how to say the name of that town, but we had so many laughs driving around and seeing the signs and saying Poggibonsi)
I always wanted to go back to see the sunflowers.

Ahhh I was just about to let go of those two lamps I had custom made out of our pictures from Poderi Arcangelo, but now... the great memories are seeping in and I want to hold on to them.
(I want to hold on to both the memories and the lamps  :'(  &  :'( )

O WAIT...   As I was lost in all these heart-felt memories, I almost forgot our marriage was so horrible.
At least that's what Hwow changed to the story to  ???
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 16, 2018, 03:40:23 PM
Oh you guys are great and funny!

Kit, I knew I could count on you to provide the legal terminology! and the fact that you think the reaction of the MA is huge makes me feel even better! And thanks for getting it about my boy. You have one, too, and they are our saviors, in that the love they show us reminds us that we are and were good mothers, that our boys are sensitive and altruistic. There is hope for them.

20th, I'm so glad some of my experiences are useful to you. Please remember my post when you're tempted to get close to your H's rotten OW. I was fascinated by my H's OW, too, so I completely understand you. I learnt the hard way, but it looks like I'm going to get a break. Don't risk it. These women are lunatics, but dangerous ones. They have no scruples of any kind and unfortunately our Hs are totally brain washed by them. You will not win if you play their games. They love drama. She loves drama because it keeps her in control. Forget what your H was like with you. He is now the opposite. If she's like my H's OW, she has total control of his life. Stay away from her. That is the best way to get to her. If you want to stand, and you do so gracefully you will be the biggest, most dangerous threat to her fake relationship with your H. And the more graceful you are, the more she's going to want to destroy you. That is a sign that you are a real threat, that she knows you're very worthy as a woman, person, history, values, and she knows she's below you. If you feed her drama, she will convince your H that you are a witch (sounds like beach!) so don't give her that power.

Calling, San Gimignano is about an hour from me. When you want to pronounce it, think of Jiminy Cricket, San Jiminyano! My S13 was born in Poggibonsi. Small world! And about the lamps, yes your H destroyed the marriage, but while you were in Tuscany, it was a good marriage and he can't change that or take it away from you. You have those lamps to prove it!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 17, 2018, 03:30:20 AM
Milly,

No, I don't think we ever went to Greve. We did a Day trip to Florence and one to Siena... and I too had to laugh about Poggibonsi...

That really is good news that the MA is choosing to recommend dismissal of H / OW's case while retaining yours.. With any luck, (and two functional brain cells, they will either not be notified of the dismissal or they will not try to appeal it...

What you wrote about the AD (OM/OW) is SO true... They really are like toxic slime that attaches itself to the Mid-Lifer, sticks their little tentacles in and starts controlling their ...... brains...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on May 17, 2018, 03:52:45 AM
Lovely news about the legal case, Milly, for you and your daughter both.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: forthetrees on May 17, 2018, 04:09:34 PM
Aw c´mon, you could feign ignorance about the dropping of their suit and the continuance of yours- for just a little while at least. They live on drama so you could let them have a bit of an adrenaline rush.) Fingers crossed that the tick tock of time runs out on their 15 day appeal window.

You sound SO strong and energized.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 18, 2018, 01:03:25 AM
Thank you, Forthetrees! Yes, once those 15 days are up and D20 and I know for sure that we're safe, I would like to let my case go ahead for a little while longer.........!Just torture them for a while and give them more time to bond while they speak badly about me! They're so silly. That's what they're starting to look like to me, H and OW= stupid.

I was thinking in the car this morning as I was driving back from dropping S13 at school. What helped me reach this point of thinking of my H as pathetic, and thinking of OW as an inferior creature? For me I think it's the combination of two things: lack of pain and gaining of personal strength.

I still get sad at times, or maybe a lot, but it's not that piercing pain I had at the beginning. It's a sadness or regret that I don't have the family life I created, but it's tolerable. It's a very dull ache.

Personal strength is a combination of having survived emotionally and technically without my H for so long, and the work I've done on resolving my own issues. I had those FOO issues, too. I've been working on them with the help of an IC for over 3 years. I like myself so much more now and I would not compromise for a man ever again.

So there are things I won't tolerate any more and others I'm much more relaxed about.  Now I don't care if my man leaves his underwear on the floor, I mean I do but it's not a biggie like it used to be for me! Stuff like that doesn't matter to me anymore . But I would never put up with a partner who insulted me, hid things from me, lied daily, was financially irresponsible, and who didn't want to spend his free time with me, at least in part.

My D23 called me yesterday morning, our relationship has been growing regularly. She's also maturing. It's been a year since she broke up with her negative boyfriend. She was co-dependant like me. She's finally strong without him. I don't mention her dad or our breakup because that's something that triggers her anger immediately.

She asked me why I don't date. I said, so if I don't fancy anyone, I should go out on a date with them anyway? This is something she's been pushing me about regularly. I wonder if her and H talk about me this way and think their lives will be so much happier once I find a man, someone I will be having sex with to take H's guilt away and make OW feel a little more secure with my husband.

D23 was talking about boys flirting with her but her not caring for any of them. I said, you see, as you have become stronger in your own skin you realize you have choices. I told her it's the same for me. I  will not take less than what I believe I deserve.

And another thing, I was thinking of the kind of person OW is, a bad girl, the equivalent of a bad boy, which I have to say I used to be attracted to. All those naughty boys with all their pushiness and bravado and usually good looks, treat others badly. At first they made a big deal of me, showed me off, made me feel special. When they treated me well, I felt like the chosen one, but they would quickly treat me badly behind closed doors. It's the memory of that 'chosen' feeling that would keep me addicted to these naughty boys. I do wonder if my H had always secretly desired the 'naughty' girl and that's what he found in his OW, psychowitch.

I find now that a naughty boy is the most unattractive man to me. When I see one, I think he's slimy. I look at intelligent, gentle male faces and desire someone like that. I don't care if they're bald, have a tummy, whatever else a man might think is an issue for us, I'm looking for something in their eyes. I think that this is also a sign of my growing up. Shame I didn't do this when I was 20. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Tyks on May 18, 2018, 04:03:58 AM
Milly,  you are sounding really good. 

Quote
.  I still get sad at times, or maybe a lot, but it's not that piercing pain I had at the beginning. It's a sadness or regret that I don't have the family life I created, but it's tolerable. It's a very dull ache   

This is what I miss,  not my h.  I realize now what a sham of a marriage we had.  We were best friends but no romance or passion.  We built a great life together but he wanted more in the end.  Can't really fault him for that but the way he went about it was just wrong! 

Keep up the "happy" Milly,  you will be better for it :)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on May 18, 2018, 05:35:15 AM
I find now that a naughty boy is the most unattractive man to me. When I see one, I think he's slimy. I look at intelligent, gentle male faces and desire someone like that. I don't care if they're bald, have a tummy, whatever else a man might think is an issue for us, I'm looking for something in their eyes. I think that this is also a sign of my growing up. Shame I didn't do this when I was 20.

What a silver lining of MLC that is, Milly, to learn this essential lesson of life!  Beauty within...  Integrity, wisdom, kindness, faithfullness, empathy.  These are the characteristics  of a person that I appreciate as well.  Good looking? Pffff!  He didn’t earn it.  Acting cool ? - What insecurities are you trying to cover up?  Bad boy? - that’s as superficial as it gets. 

About the ‘underwear on the floor’.  Yeh, that, too.  I get it.  Don’t sweat the inconsequential small stuff. 

You’ve done a lot of mirror work, Milly.  Your post really resonated with me.  Thank you...
((((((HUGS)))))))
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on May 18, 2018, 06:00:40 AM
Milly,

You sound so much more secure and strong than before.   You've created your own life, and you know who you are. That takes a lot of mirror work,  and you have definitely done That!
Such good news about the lawsuit.   And the fact that you now see h and ow as sad creatures.   That's a great step forward.

I'm eager to follow the next steps in your story!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 18, 2018, 05:07:07 PM
Tyks, thank you, and what an interesting thought you pose. You were great friends with your H  but your H wanted more.  The way they go about it is more than 50% of the cause of the devastation for us. If they had been considerate, we might all be ok by now.

Acorn, don't sweat the small stuff! Absolutely, this is such small stuff to me now. I wish I had realized it before but I'm glad I am now.

Handsome/good looking? Well, I'm going to say I wouldn't mind a bit of handsome, but it's just not enough. If a good looking person opens their mouth and they're an idiot or nasty, they might as well be the ugliest man in the world.

If a man is bald, plumpish, and anything else he thinks is a problem to us ladies, which it is not,  but he's intelligent, altruistic, responsible, and caring, he's sooooo handsome. Looks are a combination of looking after yourself inside and out.

I don't care for the 50 year old man who thinks he doesn't have to make an effort. I see many men like this in the tennis world. I say 50 year old, because I notice that men in their 40's still look after themselves and that is very attractive. It's got nothing to do with money or the gym, it's a little personal respect and respect for the woman/man they expect to want to be with them.

 The average 50 year old man I see wears big, loose t-shirts, their hair and beards, if they have them, are all scraggy, messy, wiry and growing in all directions. I don't want a man to die his hair, but I would like him to keep it nicely looked after/cut.  If the hair is short, it's attractive. If it's scraggly, it's a little like Santa, and I don't want to sleep with Santa.

 I like a man in his 50s who is well cropped, hair and or beard clipped, eyebrows not too animalistic. I don't mind casual clothes, but don't wear a nighty, put on a nice sport's shirt, nice sport shoes. Go to the proper shops, not the discount left over places. Dress up for me when you take me out.

NoE, thank you so much for reading and posting! I know you don't come on so much any more. I'm improving, it's not perfect, but it's one step at a time in the right direction.

Which brings me to the reason I thought about coming here to post tonight. I got an email from the L from the H and OW suing me and D20 business from last August. The judge has closed the case definitely.

H and OW's case has been thrown out, what a relief! I made a mistake in handling that situation. That disgusting, b*tc# OW pushed my buttons. She's as rotten as the plague, but us nice people can't beat fungus at its own game. Like tennis, a bad player might win because a good player can't play that crappy game.

Stay clear of these OP. They are venomous, experienced, bacteria creating species. We are not, so we will lose if we try to fight them. Our best chance is to stop them from playing their game by walking away, by ignoring them, by being elegant, by looking down on them. They don't know how to play our game so this is how we win.

Next week, I have a meeting with the L from the suing business to decide how D20 and I proceed with our cases against pathetic H and his schmoopie-love of his life, selfish, marriage breaking, vulture, parasite, BPD, penniless, wannabe, lying, conniving psychowitch.

Morte, thanks for the bus! It arrived on time!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: shopgirl on May 18, 2018, 05:26:51 PM
What a happy post!  I wish I could see pictures! 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: riverbirch on May 18, 2018, 07:47:01 PM
I'm so glad that case is closed. She will be seething. Haha too bad. Yes they are venomous,vile nasty creatures. That hag ,ex gf my h hooked up with was a piece of work. She said I was turning my kids against him for one thing! What a joke. She also said I was jealous and a few other nasty things. Like I shouldn't have been upset at the a$$ for abandoning us and all the other crap he did. I'm sorry to say it but I hate her.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on May 18, 2018, 09:13:49 PM

this! That’s what I say to the man I am seeing - he says how do you choose miss universe when they are all standing there looking beautiful and the same - I say when they smile or talk, then you know who is truly beautiful! I don’t care how good looking a man is, it’s much more than that that attracts me! Want me to send you a photo of the lovely Italian man I have met? If things were to keep going (such very early days, am getting ahead of myself) I’ll bring him to meet you one day!

Handsome/good looking? Well, I'm going to say I wouldn't mind a bit of handsome, but it's just not enough. If a good looking person opens their mouth and they're an idiot or nasty, they might as well be the ugliest man in the world.

If a man is bald, plumpish, and anything else he thinks is a problem to us ladies, which it is not,  but he's intelligent, altruistic, responsible, and caring, he's sooooo handsome. Looks are a combination of looking after yourself inside and out.

I don't care for the 50 year old man who thinks he doesn't have to make an effort. I see many men like this in the tennis world. I say 50 year old, because I notice that men in their 40's still look after themselves and that is very attractive. It's got nothing to do with money or the gym, it's a little personal respect and respect for the woman/man they expect to want to be with them.

 I like a man in his 50s who is well cropped, hair and or beard clipped, eyebrows not too animalistic. I don't mind casual clothes, but don't wear a nighty, put on a nice sport's shirt, nice sport shoes. Go to the proper shops, not the discount left over places. Dress up for me when you take me out.

love ya Milly, great words 😂

Next week, I have a meeting with the L from the suing business to decide how D20 and I proceed with our cases against pathetic H and his schmoopie-love of his life, selfish, marriage breaking, vulture, parasite, BPD, penniless, wannabe, lying, conniving psychowitch.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on May 19, 2018, 04:15:04 AM
Case definitely closed.  YAY!!!!!!
I know what you mean about untidy men, or women, for that matter.  It’s not so much what you see with your eyes but what the lack of self-care implies: little self-respect. 

You are right.  OW are not worth keeping the ground they stand on, much less a tiny speck of space in our minds.  They are not worth one ounce of our mental energy.  Anger against them is the energy that could be used for our own wellbeing.  (Anger is one of the most mental energy draining of all the emotions...). Make an effigy of her, stick some big kitchen knives into it and let her depart from your mind, Milly.  She does not deserve anything from you, not even 1 second of your thought. 

(((((HUGS))))))
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on May 19, 2018, 01:33:11 PM

 The average 50 year old man I see wears big, loose t-shirts, their hair and beards, if they have them, are all scraggy, messy, wiry and growing in all directions. I don't want a man to die his hair, but I would like him to keep it nicely looked after/cut.  If the hair is short, it's attractive. If it's scraggly, it's a little like Santa, and I don't want to sleep with Santa.

This made me laugh!

H and OW's case has been thrown out, what a relief!

This made me let out a huge cheer!   ;D

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: forthetrees on May 19, 2018, 04:14:50 PM
Oh my goodness- you have so much to celebrate this week. The Universe is a smilin´on you. Soak it up!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 20, 2018, 01:31:36 PM
Forthetrees, Still, Acorn, CLG (yes send me a photo of your lovely Italian, and I hope you can come together to see me!), Rive,r and Shop thank you so much for your happiness at the case being closed, and laughing at my descriptions. Huge, huge relief that this awful weight on our shoulders this year has ended in a good way for us. I can't quite believe that. I have learned my lesson though!

So, I'm posting because I just received this offensive message by text from an English phone number:

You are a firetrucking b*tc#. You Little pice of $h!te. I feel really sorry for you. You are absolutely worthless. Poor little Milly. Who is worthless even as a mother. Who's only objective is to ruin people's life. Who would want your kids. Thanks you are actually doing me a big favour. You firetrucking b*tc#

I sent a message back asking who it was. The answer was : You firetrucking b*tc#

I did copy the message and sent it to H and asked him if he knows who sent it to me. I wish I hadn't. I'm thinking it's either H, but he wouldn't say:Who would want your kids. Or it's OW and they're fighting and he's saying something about our kids.

The only contact S13 had with H today after several days, was S sending a photo to H of his maths homework asking him to check it for him by tomorrow. S has not had an answer from him. I'm wondering if OW is annoyed that H has to correct the homework, could that really get her so mad? Or what is it?

She has never contacted me. Or is this my H? Any ideas?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 20, 2018, 01:37:33 PM
Just got another message: You c*nt

This has to be OW. H would never use that word. How I wish I could reply and say something about being his wife. But I shouldn't right? This is the drama I must participate in because I will lose?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: forthetrees on May 20, 2018, 01:55:07 PM
Does not seem like your H would have used the phrasing "your kids." I would assume it is OW or a friend of hers. Block zee number and don´t give the satisfaction of responding OR... screen capture it all with the dates and let it join the lawsuit that still stands. Maybe this means that OW now knows that the judge threw out her suit and is rippin´mad at you and "your kids".

Anywho- do not respond with even a speck of ire as that could be used against you. These texts ARE traceable and could result in a restraining order against her that could apply to your kids as well. That would mean your kids would not have to be near her. Maybe, if you can handle the spew, it´s better to capture them all and let her fire away as in the end it helps your cause of not having her near you or the kids.

Think: light and lovely bubbles of life and love and laughter.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 20, 2018, 01:56:56 PM
Thank you for answering right away Forthetrees, your reply makes me strong. I'm going to follow your advice. Wow, what crazyness.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hope on May 20, 2018, 02:39:28 PM
Oh Milly! Do not reply. Not 10 days ago you were walking on air with your news. If it's OW or H or wrong number, what do you care? Whoever it is, they're unraveling. You on the other hand are not! Hope x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: 1trouble on May 20, 2018, 02:54:22 PM
Milly

Stay calm and serene

If this is the OW and it is very likely it is...then this is because she is losing the plot and also maybe she is losing her power....there maybe a sea change

I said on someone else's thread a few days back that I always knew, IF my H's OW sent me anything I knew it was a good sign...

Ignore and do not react and don't send anything more to your H just sit back and watch and BE YOU...the successful property owner and vineyard hostess and great mother and lots of other wonderful things x

Leave her to be desperate manipulative abusive and needy xx
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: riverbirch on May 20, 2018, 03:00:54 PM
Oh yeah,that's definitely her. She must know about the suit being dropped. Haha too bad for her. Now he gets to see her true colors. I would definitely keep those. Maybe she'll hang herself with this one.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Mitzpah on May 20, 2018, 03:11:04 PM
Milly,

Do not answer. There is no need for you to descend to that level.

How sad that people resort to this kind of immaturity. Neither you nor your kids deserve this >:(

I had the ow attack me a year ago because my h. came near me during the loss and funeral of my dear father, so I know they are capable of anything. Just ignore it.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 20, 2018, 03:21:31 PM
Thank you so much Mitzpah, 1T, River, and Hope. You guys are helping me stay grounded. Hope thanks for reminding me of the great stuff that has happened to me lately, and Mitzpah so sorry you had to get one of these messages on such a sad day for you.

River, I trust your 'sense' of who wrote this message and love the idea that she might hang herself with this one.

1T,  I hope this means bad stuff is going on between my H and OW. In the 3 years since BD, she's never felt the need to write to me.

Of course now I can't get to sleep. This all just landed out of the blue.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hopeandfaith on May 20, 2018, 03:41:04 PM

1T,  I hope this means bad stuff is going on between my H and OW. In the 3 years since BD, she's never felt the need to write to me.


Exactly!!.  She is desperate.  If you think back to any of the times you have wanted to give her a piece of your mind, you would be able to trace it back to when you felt emotionally unstable and feeling great loss.

Silly woman.  She will totally be digging herself a very big hole with the legal system and I suspect, your H.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on May 20, 2018, 05:13:27 PM
So sorry Milly you have received disgusting messages, although am almost not surprised, ow has shown her true colours before that resulted in the charges (her bad behaviour), their R is far from a normal R, hence her desperation and spew. I would guess she is mad about the charges. Although it is very upsetting, hold your head up high that you wouldn’t behave like that, she is awful, it’s more proof your H is having an affair down. You’re awesome Milly x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on May 20, 2018, 11:06:49 PM
Milly, yup has ow written all over it...sorry that you've received such nastiness. I got anonymous death threats and nasty letters for over 18 months, off and on. My best advice....do not respond at all. Block the number. Print them out and file them and/or let your L have a copy in case you need them as 'evidence'....but do not engage with pigs in mud because they like it and are better at it. See it from as distance as just another bit of evidence that ow is not a sane, healthy decent adult, nothing more. Almost definitely it's her reaction to the dropping of the L case...and her opinion of you as a wife, mother and human is a) irrelevant and b) not reality or about you. I suspect she is just p**sed that her L attempt to attack you and 'prove' herself publicly has failed spectacularly so she is coming back for another go at provoking you. Like a fart of disorder. Do not let her do so, do not feed the crazy people.  ::)  ;D

Your H probably didn't know she sent them but will also probably not care or believe you or might even blame you for receiving them. (I know, loopy  ::)...but that's what my H did, and ow is trying to triangulate you in their drama so you win by shaking your head and refusing to feed her.) Too sick, too stupid, too insane for you to even waste a minute of your precious Milly-ness on it IMHO.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Trustandlove on May 20, 2018, 11:30:28 PM
Just concurring with the advice to ignore, ignore, ignore.   Just to not engage, do not even acknowledge such behaviour. 

I had one communication from OW4 I think it was; a text sent to me meant for my H "by mistake".  As if she would have my number to even make a mistake with......

I ignored, didn't ask my H, didn't do anything.  That relationship broke up very soon afterwards.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 21, 2018, 01:11:02 AM
Thank you so much Trust, Treasur, HF, and CLG. Great words of advice and words that give me pleasure. Thanks for grounding me and making me realize how much more superior I am for not answering her.  Only a year ago, I would have answered immediately, I would have spewed back. So great I counted to 3 and came here to ask you guys.

Trust, as you say, how do they have our numbers if not because they're watching us (the OW that is).
Treasur, sorry you got nasty messages, too. I will print and keep in the 'for evidence' folder. I do like what you say about her trying to prove herself publicly having failed. I'm enjoying that thought!
CLG, glad it proves she's an affair down. It helps to see it in writing though. I guess that's the upside of it!
HF, great words of comfort to me. When I wrote to her almost 3 years ago when H brought her to our home town, I was scared, desperate, and losing my H. Thank you so much for putting it that way. Yes, she must be not only angry but scared. Hurray!

I know I would have told another LBS to not answer but when it happens to you, it's so unnerving. I got shaky, disbelief, confusion, monkey braining. And since I have had basically NC with H for the last couple of months, I don't know what he's up to, what he looks like, how undercooked he is. Although I guess he did monster me two or three weeks ago with the emails about D.

So couldn't sleep until 3am last night. Monkeys in my brain. What does it mean? Told myself first no expectations,  but I also had feelings of glee, fear, and felt totally destabilized. Told myself make no assumptions.

Probably doesn't mean anything huge, but it is movement. What it tells me is they are fighting. I know they've fought in the past, my IC tells me they probably fight all the time as this kind of R is based on fighting and making up. But OW message shows great anger so that has to have been a whopper fight. That pleases me immensely. Surely I'm allowed to enjoy their bad schmoopie times.

What I also think, without having any expectations, it that their R is possibly heading to another break up or a definite breakup. My friends in London told me in February that H is getting sick of her. They do tell us that between the MLCer knowing there is no future with the OP and actually getting the strength to leave them, takes lots of time.

Sunny here this morning. I have lots of work to do. Sunbathing on my balcony with coffee and toast. I've already dropped S13 at school 30 minutes away, took his tennis bag to his tennis school, had a great conversation with the main coach about how to feed S better to get his physical strength up, which the coach said will also help his concentration. Let my doggie run around the tennis school like a rabbit. Ran a bit myself (like an old lady). Came home and here I am on the forum.

Will give myself another 30 minutes at the most before I get to work at my desk.
I will update if I get any new info.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on May 21, 2018, 01:55:45 AM
Thank you so much for putting it that way. Yes, she must be not only angry but scared. Hurray!
Yup, completely predictable and clear to see all is not well in her/their world or why would she even give you a moment's thought?

I know I would have told another LBS to not answer but when it happens to you, it's so unnerving. I got shaky, disbelief, confusion, monkey braining.
It's like a psychic attack really, Milly, and it isn't normal. It is abuse and your body and mind responds accordingly. Normal grown ups don't rant by text and call a virtual stranger a c**t, and we've all spent years not receiving this kind of abuse from anyone probably.

Sunbathing on my balcony with coffee and toast. I've already dropped S13 at school 30 minutes away....had a great conversation with the main coach about how to feed S better to get his physical strength up, which the coach said will also help his concentration.
Sounds lovely. Great idea for your son's wellbeing, maybe not a bad idea for you too. Let the toxic crazy people spin and shout and abuse each other...while you and your kids stroll along on the sunny side of the street with a fine cup of coffee and your head held high.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: riverbirch on May 21, 2018, 02:14:09 AM
Yes definitely give them to your lawyer. He may be able to find out where they came from and add that to her case. She should be careful of what's she's doing before she gets more charges against her. Harassment is a good one.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on May 21, 2018, 02:53:18 AM
I agree with river about maybe giving copies to your L, Milly, but also think there is a difference between doing what you need for healthy protection vs going in to battle and more drama. Both MlCers and ow/om do seem to like drama and feed off it.

If it escalates, if ow does worse, or if there are future L issues, your L has the info to protect you or a trail that the police could use for any restraining order....but engaging actively with it (maybe because a bit of you understandably hates this woman and wants her punished for her behaviour) feeds the disorder, and there will be a bit of ow that likes that and will use it. The thing that will hurt her most is seeing how insignificant she is.

If your H raises the issue, I'd simply say that you don't intend to discuss it, that your L has copies and if ow ever contacts you directly again you will simply follow L advice to protect you and your kids. If he rants or tries to blame you or justify it, just repeat...unacceptable, won't discuss it with you, if it happens again will do what my L suggests. Basta.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Chookie on May 21, 2018, 03:15:44 AM
Totally agreeing with all the great advice you've received, Milly. No one deserves any of that rubbish!
I also had ridiculous texts from OW. I have screen shots of all of them and also gave my friend a copy for safe keeping. Giving your L a copy is even better.

Although it is disconcerting and unsettling to hear from the OP, especially using language like that..all class!  ::).. I like the idea that she is reacting this way..she's lost the plot!  ;D You hit a nerve and got the best reaction, by doing nothing! That's how insecure she is!

 More power to you, Milly!! 💪
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on May 21, 2018, 08:55:09 AM
You are the queen, Milly, and the queen doesn’t get involved with an insecure mud-slinging lowlife.  Wow, I didn’t realize how low people can go...  It sounds like whoever wrote that message is a typical high school b**** that everyone stays clear of because you can’t argue or debate with that kind of nasty person.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 21, 2018, 11:05:48 AM
Thank you all, Acorn, Chookie, Treasur twice, River, and pm friend. I love your thoughts that the OW/psychowitch has lost the plot and I am looking goooooood! I also thank those of you who have had this experience already and are asking me to keep some evidence.

I happen to have an appointment with my suing L this week anyway, unfortunately for OW, and will be bringing copies of the texts for them to keep if needed.

Treasur, I agree with your advice, nothing to achieve by going after the OW, more court, lawyers, agro, stress, attention to her. So I will only use the texts if she were to get worse as you very wisely are forewarning me. I've also memorized 'your' answer for my H if it comes up. Brilliant!

Acorn, she has really shown who we all already knew she was. They tell us to not worry about them, they are affair downs, they're bat $h!te crazy, they'll be fighting in schmoopie land, but it's hard for us to think that until the stupid OP makes a false move and bham! it's so clear what a rotten, nasty, selfish, lowly, classless, human she is. And to think she thinks she's so superior to me. Stupid again.

I worried so much about her because she's an ex model, tv presenter, has a fabulous extra skinny boyish body, I thought she was in her 30's, I turned 50 a few months after BD. But now I've discovered she's a lying 51 year old, horrendous, vulgar, conniving, sham of a woman, and yes I hate her but I'm getting such pleasure out of ignoring her. THank you all so much for responding quickly so that I am here today feeling refined and untouchable.

River,  I think our OW came from the same batch.

I have heard no more but wanted to come and thank you so much for protecting me by keeping me grounded. Oh how I wanted to write back to her but I would have lost. Now she has nothing, except maybe a little shame at revealing her vulnerability to me, or regret that I might have some ammunition to use against her. And she should worry!

When I see my L this week I'm going to ask for them to drop our cases (me and D20) against H and OW.  I want no connection to this tarantula. Basta!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on May 21, 2018, 12:09:44 PM
Oh Milly—how horrific to read such vile things! It must have been so unnerving. But I agree with everyone else when they say this shows her desperation. And we know, as LBS, one of the worst kinds of “response” is none at all. You go girl!!

Shine that crown my queen. Looks like there is a category 5 storm happening in schmoopie-land right about now.

Stay strong friend—you are amazing!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on May 21, 2018, 07:28:43 PM
Hi Milly,

You are handling this admirably.  Just ignore, keep your L in the loop. If it keeps up, block her.  She obviously is feeling the effects of her actions.   The karma bus has another victim!!

You are doing great,  my friend ♡
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 22, 2018, 03:29:31 AM
Oh Milly!

Ignoring the psycho while keeping the evidence for the lawyer ! Brilliant....


You handled that one (https://media.giphy.com/media/L8Pt775dNHcgo/giphy.gif)

Just goes to show how low they can go...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FaithWalker on May 22, 2018, 08:19:18 PM
Late to the thread but agreeing with everyone else.  She sounds like a winner.  (note sarcasm)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: riverbirch on May 23, 2018, 05:53:24 AM
Love the bus picture!

Hope dropping the suit is the right thing. Either way the woman is a witch! Just keep everything documented.

Have you heard from h lately?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 24, 2018, 04:29:20 PM
Hi all, I had written a post last night but lost it. First, thank you Kit, love the idea of a category 5 storm going on, but not sure now, seems it might have been averted.
UM, great bus, I did laugh.
Faith and RIver, she's a real winner of a witch! It's incredible that there are such evil people alive, walking around appearing to be normal. And then unfortunately, an H like mine going through a monumental crisis, had to bump into her.

I can't even remember one word of the post I wrote last night. I hate it when I lose it. Oh, I just remembered one of them. You know how I had asked H to help S13 with his maths since H is an engineer? And H had become all dictatorial and demanded S13 spend every weekend and every Wednesday night with him so he could sort this out?

I in the meantime had found a young man to help S here in Florence where we live. Well anyway, H had been demanding that S send him photos of his math homework. First, he made fun of S's geometry and said it was really easy. So then I told S to find some algebra problems off the internet to practice what the young man had taught him. After he did them I told him to send them to his dad for him to correct.

H first wrote back to S (the night the witch sent me her refined messages), saying he couldn't quite understand them and would take a look at them the following day. The next day he wrote back to S to say he couldn't work them out at all??? Does this mean my H is only 12 or younger?

So last night S13 texts his dad to ask if he could take him to his tennis match this afternoon since I had a tasting. H answered: Sorry, I'm not in Tuscany.

So he's in schmoopie land. Probably changed the sheets, got some champagne, took her shopping, and fixed everything.

I was at my suing-L this morning. Just to remind you, I won the case against H for not paying maintenance since July '15, but he's appealing it, so I had to advance another €1500 for that. Poor L, she felt sorry having to ask me.

Anyway, we talked about the suit H and OW had against me and D20, which has now been closed. She said the the prosecutor took into account the note from the police chief who after interviewing all 4 of us, asked for the case to be closed. The judge agreed. I must thank the chief of police when I see him again.

We then talked about what to do about my and D20's cases against H and OW. She advised me to keep them going for a while. She said we can ask for the cases to be closed at any moment. She said she's aware that H is still refusing to pay maintenance and she thinks we should keep the cases open as a weapon to use against H if needed. I like that! I have no intention of taking these two to court so they can play schmoopie-soul-mate-victims to an audience, but I wouldn't mind letting them worry for a while.

I told L about OW's nasty texts and she said that since she didn't threaten me, there was only a silly case to be made against her. But, she thinks the OW was really trying to provoke me, as someone here said.  She was very angry and tried to get me in trouble by having me react.

I feel so good for not having reacted to those dreadful messages. To anyone tempted to write to or write back to the OW, give yourself a big present by not replying. They wouldn't listen to what you say, they would only study your words with the intent of using them against you. Don't let them.

Today in the car, I thought that if I ever have to see this b/witch in my life again, I'm just going to look at her as if she's sooo inferior. Not by doing anything in particular, but by looking through her as you do when someone has nothing to make you want to look at them.

Fancy my H left me for her 4 years ago, is not paying maintenance, does not see his kids, was suing me and his D, let her sue me and his D, and yet I'm still a big problem in her life. Wow, I'm starting to feel like the W.I.F.E!

When S first received that message last night that H was in schmoopie land, I was a bit hurt. I'd be a lier if I didn't admit to it. But not too bad. By this morning I had it all in control. Whether H is still in shmoopie land, or flew out to schmoopie land after the fight, or whether he's going to give it another go, the Titanic has a leak.

In R life, the new owner of my old winery and his wife have been out here this week. That kept me on my toes. My fault really because I always feel that my work is being judged. Anyway, I think I did ok. He seemed happy with me.

His wife is still a little aloof. I haven't figured her out yet. When I first met him, good looking man in his 50s, successful, determined, polite, family man, I thought his wife was very lucky. He was very nice to her in front of me I must say. I was a little jealous when he pulled her over and gave her a big kiss on her cheek. I thought, oh he's such a great husband. But then I remembered that my H would do things like that in public, which would make me think that everything was going to be alright finally, but then we'd be alone and he'd become all cold.  No point being envious of other marriages when I really know nothing about them. So I'm not going to make any assumptions about them.

Today S13 had an important tennis match on the coast about 1.5 hours from Florence. I couldn't take him. If he didn't turn up, the opponent would automatically win and move on up the tournament. S would have been so disappointed. So I moved the earth last night, as LBSs do. I found a friend of D20 to take S to the coast on the train, then taxi to tennis school where the tournament was being played.

I drove out there like a maniac as soon as my tasting was done. It had been pouring at the beginning of the week, that dark as night, slanted rain that gets through your clothes and makes you feel damp and gloomy. But today was beautiful.

I was driving due West towards the coast. Blue skies and rolling hills. I had the music on loud as many of us do. I love my music. That little girl that used to be standing beside me at all times appeared. I hadn't seen her in a while. I sensed she was saying goodbye, it almost made me cry. I wanted to hold onto her. She's been with me all my life but I think I'm losing her.

I think I'm reaching that place where my personal potential got stunted. I'm not sure I'm making this clear to understand. I feel there is a point in the lives of people like us where something happens, or a moment where whatever bad stuff is happening to us becomes too much, and the child we were takes a detour from who she was going to be.

I feel I'm almost back at that place before my little girl took the wrong road by mistake. I sense I'm getting close to the way I was meant to be originally. This is probably hard to grasp. I think my potential got stunted when I was about 9. That's about the age of that little girl I've been carrying around with me. I'm sensing a chance to do over. Not a full financial, academic, career opportunity, but just plain me. I feel more and more secure in who I am.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm loving the chance to let my thoughts out, to have a reference if I should ever want to look back and remember, and for newbies or us-bies who sometimes don't find the right words to express what we're going through.

Anyway, to finish. S13 won a great match tonight. He was so proud of himself. He didn't get mad on the court and today's win will raise his ranking, which he's so happy about. Today cost me an absolute packet but it was worth it.

Just got a text from the new owner who left to go home to London today, to say he'll be back on Monday for the week! I was looking forward to a week without pressure, but on the other hand, I'm pleased. He must have liked what he saw. He's an international L so I don't know how often he can do this, but it pleases me to see he loves my old home.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 25, 2018, 03:56:30 AM
Hi Milly,

I am REALLY glad that the tasting went well, not to mention that S won his match.

Yeah, the LBS Motto:

We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing,
have do so much for so long with so little,
we are now qualified to perform miracles...
with NOTHING!

The returning to the path story with the little girl... That is really an interesting idea/thought.... The obvious question would be what happened at age 9 that caused the detour but rejoining the path you feel is the original one is what really matters... the visual of teh little one beside you being in the process of saying Good-Bye is really emotive...

As for Psychowitch, let them swing in the wind and sweat... The fact that xH hasn't paid the required support is simply a matter of record and no matter how often he tries to appeal it, that hole he's digging will just keep getting bigger....
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: serenity on May 25, 2018, 05:23:44 AM
Just stopping by to say hello..

Sorry you have a lot on and although you’ve been dealing with this for a long time - in MLC terms it sadly isn’t that long. It’s so sad when are children are involved and get hurt.

At least our children have us - a stable, caring parent.

You live in such a beautiful place Milly. It still amazes me that this is truly a worldwide epidemic!


Hugs

X
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 25, 2018, 05:28:23 AM
You live in such a beautiful place Milly. It still amazes me that this is truly a worldwide epidemic!

If you look at the currently active members, we have members in (off the top of my head)

US
UK
Australia
New Zealand
Italy
Germany
Finland
Portugal,
Brazil

Strangely enough, the script is very similar, regardless of the land...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 25, 2018, 12:51:11 PM
UM, thank you so much for your lovely comments. I can feel you rooting for me, that's so nice.
Serenity, you'd think living in a beautiful place could provide some protection from this MLC disaster wouldn't you? But not even making wine in Tuscany was a good enough life for my MLCer. He could have done so much better if he had never met me and ended up here. Oh, well. As Um says, they're all the same, wherever they are. Just goes to show that it really has nothing to do with reality: the life they have lead and their wives.

NoE, sorry, I forgot to thank you for posting the previous time! I could feel I'd forgotten someone! I know you're not on often and I hope all is going very well at your place with H and Mum.

Busy Friday. Saw my IC who as always, is very good for me. She told me to be wary of the new owner, my boss, that he sounds very much like a narcissist. She asked me if I didn't notice anything familiar about him? Yes, I guess I had just worked that out myself yesterday. He's like my H, just successful.

She told me to watch out that I don't fall into familiar patterns. I asked what she meant. She said narcissists pull you up and put you on a pedestal then drop you to the ground at any second. Then they pull you up again, only to drop you again. She said she expects me to get euphoric when he appreciates me (which I guess I'm guilty of to a certain extent), and then feel worthless or not good enough when he pulls away and seems to not appreciate me.

She also told me something interesting about narcissists, that they become very friendly very quickly. They confide personal stuff right away, which makes you feel comfortable, so you open up about your personal stuff, too. This leads you to think they are your friend. She says to be ware, because if they dump you as in the MLCer, or not renew my contract, as in the new owner, the betrayal feels doubly bad because I believed he was my friend. Hmmmm, food for thought!

I'm going to work on keeping some boundaries on the personal with him. My IC also advised me that when he seems unsatisfied with my work, which she expects to happen at times, I'm to ignore it completely and just carry on as usual. That his lack of satisfaction has nothing to do with me. Interesting!

I also told her about psychowitch and the 'love letters' she sent me. IC thinks she's just learned that I am going to be garnishing H's wages. She thinks her anger is always about money and me taking money from H that she wants. IC thinks that me garnishing the wages might have brought H to tell her that he can no longer afford something or other, whether frequent flights to London, or a trip, or his villa, or who knows. Anyway, she is not happy at having to cough up my money to me. Stupid witch!

I'm going to spend this weekend relaxing, no work, which I usually have to do for a couple of hours and it sits at the back of mind the whole time. Just sun, hopefully, tennis, and people.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on May 25, 2018, 02:10:25 PM
Milly,

I'm so happy that you're in such a good space inside now.  You have really made my day!  As far as the little girl, i understand what you mean.   Theres actually a book i read called "Healing the child inside" that i read, it talks all about our inner child.   How we have to nurture our self.  Its very deep,  and was the foundation of a lot of my mirror work.

Take care, my friend!  Enjoy this lovely weekend.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: AleB on May 25, 2018, 03:06:36 PM
Milly, I am following your story... I am living in the contry near by, Croatia....different  contry, same MLC script!
Just want to say hi and keep going! You are such a strong woman!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on May 25, 2018, 04:19:58 PM
AleB, thank you for following my thread. I was in Croatia 3 years ago with a dear girlfriend. Beautiful place. Take care!

NoE, thank you for your encouragement. I'm going to order that book. xxx
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: serenity on May 26, 2018, 04:36:19 AM
Hope you have a lovely w/e Milly.

I love where you are and H and I were always going to return there but of course it never happened!

I still hope to visit again at some point.

Like you said it doesn’t seem to matter what a MLCer has to be grateful for or where they live, once they’re on that crazy train, there’s no stopping it.

I was always grateful for the life we had, our children and beautiful home. I would never have jeopardised any of it.

But as I’ve said before my life is so much better than H’s. I have a lovely home and soon to be moving to another, my friends, children and family times (which I totally love) and my job which I love.

My life is safe and secure and apart from usual family stuff, no dramas. I wouldn’t swap my life with any MLCers!!

I haven’t seen one yet that ends up with a great life or happy

X
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Mortesbride on May 31, 2018, 12:13:43 PM
Maybe it is just me...but anything that pisses off the OW as a by product is a bonus.

To bad..so sad...shouldn't get involved with a married man....morons.

When I read what she wrote she is definitely pissed, but I think she is also jealous. She is trying to rip you apart because deep down she feels insecure.

Trying her best to hit you where it hurts (the kids). Seriously... ::)

About the Narcissists I read a LOT about that, before finding this forum. Even when they 'discard you' and 'don't want you' they still want to know they 'possess' you. Very hard to get rid of, as they always want to come back when their new supply (OW) wears off.  :o
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: 20thcenturygirl on May 31, 2018, 02:16:23 PM
Quote
Maybe it is just me...but anything that pisses off the OW as a by product is a bonus.

Always!   :)

Milly, I am so sorry for the added stress that this horrible verbal assault by OW caused. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on May 31, 2018, 07:27:22 PM

I'm going to spend this weekend relaxing, no work, which I usually have to do for a couple of hours and it sits at the back of mind the whole time. Just sun, hopefully, tennis, and people.


I sure hope you enjoyed the weekend and put the nasty stuff in the back of your mind, Milly! 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 01, 2018, 01:09:34 AM
Thank you guys, Serenity, Morte, 20th, and Still. I did have a relaxing weekend last weekend, thank you. Good point, Morte: anything that pisses off the OW is a bonus! Hell yes! It's about time the tables turned. Moron! I re-read her messages yesterday to see if I could look at them from an outside perspective, but it's still personal. I guess she did get to me about my kids. Actually, she sounds just like my H when he's in monster. Identical words: I'm (Milly) worthless, worthless even as a mother, poor little Milly, and all the insults sound just like him. They are two peas in a pod.

I'm also thinking about this narcissist business a lot. I'm becoming more and more convinced that my H was always one. Maybe he was a 'mild' narcissist before? I don't know if there are various stages of narcissism, but certainly he fits the descriptions even before BD and MLC. I hate that I'm still here, willing to forgive or work with someone with narcissistic traits. That makes me feel that I'm still carrying issues from my childhood. The need to fix a broken person. In Italian we say being a little Red Cross nurse. I have to remind myself that a real narcissist cannot be cured.

Back to RL. I've had and still have a very busy week. I took 6 tastings this week to get the season going for the new owner, but it's too much. Next week I have 3 and I'm going to try to keep to no more than 4. I can't even find the time to wash my hair, never mind exercising or doing anything personally for me. On the plus, I am very much enjoying my tastings, and the work relationship with the new owner is going positively. He's here again this week. Going home tomorrow. Thank goodness.

This Sunday I've organized a surprise birthday party for S13 who is turning 14. His birthday is next week but all his friends have commitments next weekend. I'm inviting 16 friends mixed from his new school, tennis world, and our old home village. They're all keeping it a secret. I've booked a soccer field for him for 1.5 hours and then the pizza place right beside it for dinner for everyone. I hope he's not snooped on my phone in the mean time!

Today is D20's birthday, she's turning 21! She was 16 at BD. She's at university in the UK and finished all her exams yesterday. She has such a great head on her shoulders. She had already booked herself a table for 15 tonight in the local pizza place. Yes, those Italian kids and their pizza! She likes this pizza place because it has a photo from the 1980's of our little village. My gift to her is a downpayment to buy a little used car here.

Going to my IC this morning. I really like her, she keeps me grounded and focused. She did not know much about MLC before, but has embraced it and researched it. She accepts that I'm standing, although it's not what she would have recommended. She helps me keep an open mind. She's maybe 10 years younger than me, petite, seems childish in appearance, but she feels like a little Tinker Bell. She's my Jimminy Cricket, my fairy godmother.

Wishing you all easier days ahead. xxxx

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 04, 2018, 10:39:46 AM
Milly I love your description of your IC as your Jiminy Cricket. We all need to feel like we have someone else in our corner during these trying times. She sounds amazing bc many people in all different fields of work would never look into something that a “lay person” suggested to them. Ego gets in the way. But wow, I’m really impressed. She’s a keeper!

Happy BDay to D21 and S! Both parties sound wonderful. I’m also living a little vicariously through you—with all of your tastings. I am a bit of a wine lover so this idyllic setting of you doing tastings in Tuscany sounds dreamy!

Psychowitch and H are the same person right now. They look for their emotional mirror. Which right now is that of a petulant pre teen. It gives me far too much pleasure knowing how much you’ve upset the psycho.

You are awesome Milly. I’m amazed by your strength and love of life.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 06, 2018, 01:02:29 AM
Kit, thank you for your wonderful post, you made me feel all warm inside! I do feel that through this pile of poop that I was blasted with, I was surrounded by some incredibly strong people: my lawyer and my psychologist. I love what you say about psychowitch. Ooooh do I love that she's upset. It really helps me feel better. Not that I plan to do anything with it, but you know, just a teeny weeny bit of revenge!! Wish I could post the emoji with the wide, toothy grin!

And Kit, I know that I have a privileged life. My kids know, too. I would love to share my wine life with you and others if you ever come here.

So nothing much MLCy to post, just that I can't help but notice that my life is constantly improving. Wow, is that a magnificent feeling. It goes from small things like being able to plan how I spend my money, to big things that are finally coming to my kids and I.

You all know how much I love my kids. So the other night, S13 and I had been invited to a tennis event at night, 6-10pm. It was a by invitation only coaching stage with one of tennis' super coaches. S would be coached, along with a few others, and he would be given a video of his training and the corrections he needs to make.

The previous night had been S's surprise birthday and we'd got home really late. He loved his birthday, by the way. My girlfriends did a fantastic job of keeping 15 teenage boys completely quiet and hidden under the hedge for our arrival.

So back to 2 nights ago. S was exhausted. It was a school day and he asked me if we really needed to go to this tennis event. I didn't fancy going myself, I was exhausted, too. But I did not want to let down the lady who had invited us.

I had a tasting right before the event and had to drive like a maniac from the country to Florence to scoop up my S to get there. It was pouring buckets as I drove. Traffic all pulled over on the side of the motorway as we couldn't see anything. I finally got back to our flat and gathered S and his bag of clothes and headed right back into Florence traffic to go to the event.

This small tennis school is on the main hill in Florence. From here, you see the whole city below you. If you've ever been to Florence, I bet you've been up on this hill. The tennis school is just behind the big viewing area.

We walk in and it's just beautiful. There was a large bar with ice buckets of Prosecco, jugs of coke and orange juice, platters of salame and all sort of yummy things. There were couches and small palm trees and swanky jazzy music. My S13 and I were suddenly pleased to have come.

There was a small stage and chairs set up to listen to this coach's story. He arrived, a tall, handsome, black man with his wife, D, SIL, and 2 grandchildren. They looked like superstars. This coach is from the US but he spoke perfect Italian. He was incredible. He was funny, intelligent, talented, and humble. My S was mesmerized by him.

Then the players went onto the courts. My S was a little nervous, he was the youngest there. They played for 3 hours non stop as the coach, with the help of another teacher, walked around them and took notes. Finally there was the individual session, which was filmed and will be analyzed for them to keep. S13 finished his session around 11.30pm. He was knackered and making hand signals to me to go home.

Then the coach took S over to his table and I could see there was some intense talking happening. The lady who had invited us to the event came across the court towards me, she was all flushed and smiling.  I was in the seating area above the courts with everyone else. She told me that the coach had offered my S13 a week's scholarship at his tennis academy in Florida. He told S he could become a pro! You can just imagine how my S felt! He so deserves to be validated. I wanted to cry, a good one for a change!

So, going to FLorida this summer might be an option for S and I. I know there are LBS in this state and that would be an added joy for me. Little by little the pieces are fitting together.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Whyus on June 06, 2018, 01:28:29 AM
Milly, the Tennis Story is just amazing, its great seeing the Kids being happy.
Your sounding great.
I will send you a pm soon. I would love to come to Florence next year maybe. It would be the Weekend of http://www.firenzerocks.it/lineup. Apart from that the City has always been on my bucket list (W is Italian). I would have to take a crate of Wine and olive oil back with me though  8)

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 06, 2018, 01:39:45 AM
Great, Whyus, we'll keep in contact about your trip! Sounds really cool!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hopeandfaith on June 06, 2018, 03:05:35 AM
Wow that is exciting.  Seriously Milly,  I am glad you have been journalling all this on HS because you might just turn it into a movie yet....you know those ones I love with the heroine (and her kids) winning in the end  ;D ;D.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 06, 2018, 03:45:50 AM
The Tennis News is nothing less than amazing Milly! That has to be the ultimate feather in S's cap.... That is REALLY a wonderful thing for him to experience, especially with all the nonsense going on otherwise...

Back to xH and PsychoTussi, one has to wonder if his MonsterWords are coming from her or hers from him? Regardless, they are feeding off each other and are really parasitic twins now, stuck in the pre-puberty stage.... Goody for them...  ::)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on June 06, 2018, 04:04:31 AM
Omg Milly,

I'm reading along, so happy for you and all the great things going on for you.  Your tastings sound fabulous,  your d birthday,  s surprise birthday party, his tennis event!  Then I read you might come to FLORIDA!!!! We absolutely,  definitely have to get together if that happens!  Do you know where in Florida his academy is? I live just a few miles from the Williams sisters... 😁
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: waiting4 on June 06, 2018, 07:08:21 AM

  I'm following along Milly , just being the quite mouse in the corner...you sound good...im keeping you and your family in my prayers..XXX
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 06, 2018, 08:09:38 AM
Oh, Milly, look what you’ve just done.  You made me shed a tear or two of joy!  Such a moving story of a nurturing and loving Mama Bear and her son who is obviously thriving with all the love, encouragement and determined hard work that she provides.   If that does not constitute a significant part of your success story, I don’t know what is!

I cannot help but see the contrast between the way you rose from the MLC mess that was/is none of your own making and your H, who is covered from head to toe in the MLC muck, the dirtiest and the smelliest of which is his ..(I designated 2 dots for you know who).  I pity them but I admire you!

May you continue to thrive and find joy in your life!
(((((HUGS))))))
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FaithWalker on June 06, 2018, 04:07:08 PM
How fantastic Milly!  So excited for you and S.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on June 06, 2018, 08:59:44 PM

Then the coach took S over to his table and I could see there was some intense talking happening. The lady who had invited us to the event came across the court towards me, she was all flushed and smiling.  I was in the seating area above the courts with everyone else. She told me that the coach had offered my S13 a week's scholarship at his tennis academy in Florida. He told S he could become a pro! You can just imagine how my S felt! He so deserves to be validated. I wanted to cry, a good one for a change!

So, going to FLorida this summer might be an option for S and I. I know there are LBS in this state and that would be an added joy for me. Little by little the pieces are fitting together.


This is so awesome!  I sure hope it all comes together.  What a fabulous opportunity, Milly!  Years from now I can watch your S play pro tennis and I can watch DF's son play pro basketball.  I love it!   :D

And NoEx - you live that close to Venus and Serena Williams!?!?   :o  Sweet!   
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 07, 2018, 05:25:29 PM
Omg Milly that is just awesome!! A pro??? Wow. I’m so happy for you and S. What an amazing thing to happen.  You so deserve this.

Hoping you can make Florida work.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 07, 2018, 05:59:03 PM
Oh, you guys are awesooome! I have been wallowing in your lovely replies.

Hope: love the idea of the movie you describe! I was watching that movie right with you! Love a happy ending where the hero/heroin had to fight, battle, push, cry, scramble all the way back up and beyond!

UM, thank you sooooo much for understanding how great this news is to me and my kids. Even my girls are sooo happy for S. Love the term: parasitic twins. Yes, I think they are. Good point!

NoE!!!You know I will drive across the state if I have to, to see you!!!!!!! I can not miss out on spending a day with you!!! And everyone here is going to be soooo jealous!

Little mouse, Waiting, you just sit there all cosy and quiet, that is fine with me. And thank you for following and showing your support. I love it!

Awwww, Acorn! A tear? Now you're going to make me shed one, too! Mama bears on this site are heros. So are LBSs without kids, that is neither here nor there.

To Mamas with kids having to live a childhood this way, any great news or outcome for one of our kids is so welcome, it's a triumph for all of us. I don't know if you all talk to your kids about HS like I do. My kids know about the forum. I don't tell them everything, but I do tell them the funny stories, and the stories I feel they might see themselves in. They did not deserve this, should not have gone through this, they did not choose to be born, they didn't get to choose their parents, they were fooled into believing they had a family, and then one of their parents got tired of it and found something more fun to do.

Faith, thank you.

Still, how sweet of you. I was reading DF tonight myself. I do see similarities in other LBSs with kids who are into sports, whether competitive or not. Wouldn't it be wonderful if both our boys made it? Especially since they are going through this crap? Oh how I wish my S would really make it. I was thinking about that tonight as I was driving. If he did make it, all you guys on HS would know the truth about his life. It would be an achievement for all of us. Almost a kind of revenge, although that's a negative word. I mean it more like a: you can't stop me feeling.

There is a French philosopher, I forget who he is, maybe Zola, who said that in order to achieve greatness you need to be in a very low place to start with. I think the meaning is that unless you really need to achieve, you wouldn't be bothered with the continuous failures, picking yourself up, pushing yourself on. If life is good, why would you bother? I do think there is a fine point here.

And to dwell on Acorn's second point, because I feel it could refer to many of us: the way we LBSs rise from a mess we didn't create or get a choice about, the 'smelliest' of muck being the OW/OP.

I do feel that I'm finally rising from this mess. I'm going to say that it's nothing I'm doing more now than before. I believe it is a natural evolution. I have been through all the agonizing phases we all go through. I'm reaching a point of acceptance, and to be honest, a point of being fed up with the crap my MLCer is still dishing out.

I think a big part of it is that it doesn't hurt remotely the way it did at first. To those poor, dear LBSs at the beginning stages, where the pain is physical, I can say that you will feel much better once time passes. I know you can't believe me today. I remember that feeling like it was last week, so I know how you doubt what I'm saying. How can you not? You're in agony. I used to say that child birth in comparison was a party.  If I tell you this, it's because it will happen whether you want it to or not. That's what time does.

So this combination of the pain being very dull or almost gone now, and the feeling of being totally fed up with my H's un-changed and un-necessary hurtful behaviour, is leading me to look at him in a different way. I honestly don't think I would ever take him back unless some miracle occurred on his side. I will never go back to my life before because it was awful thanks to him. If he ever asks to come back or says he made a mistake he better be willing to face the $h!te.

There will be no more walking on egg shells for me. He better be able to take everything I would throw at him. Having said that, if he never comes back that is very ok with me, too. I'm done with monster, being treated like a failure, being told I have a 'little brain,' firetrucking b*tc#, useless, incapable, lazy, manipulator, lier, crap at my job,  disgusting. 

I feel I've reached a stronger place myself. I didn't do anything knowingly to get here. I found this site, I listened, learned, accepted stuff about myself, about what my H is going through and then the decisions I made for myself and my kids got me to this place today. I don't think I knew I was doing things right; I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and here I am.

The rock bottom our spouses placed us at forced us to face what's happening, or be destroyed. I do believe that if we found this site, we're the ones who decided to face the situation, face our issues, and do what ever is needed for ourselves and our kids, if we have them, to climb back up and beyond.

My message is for all LBSs, there is definitely hope.xxxx

PS: Kit you posted as I was posting and you're one of those Mamas with a kid! Thank you for your sweet, altruistic wishes. I wish the same for your S. I spoke to my S today about this offer and said, you know you could break a leg next year and that's it. But to be able to dream today is such a big gift. Not everyone gets the chance to dream it, and yet he can. That in itself is like winning the lottery. I don't think you can forget a moment of validation like this!

Maybe S will not make it all the way to the pros, because as we've all learned - No Expectations!! However, should he make it, any of you wonderful, dear LBSs that can make it will be in the box with me at the big match! That's a promise!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hopeandfaith on June 07, 2018, 08:22:22 PM
Maybe S will not make it all the way to the pros, because as we've all learned - No Expectations!! However, should he make it, any of you wonderful, dear LBSs that can make it will be in the box with me at the big match! That's a promise!

And an invitation ;D ;D.

I was just thinking that a tournament would be a great excuse for a meet-up!  Such a lovely thought and dream for us too.


I feel I've reached a stronger place myself. I didn't do anything knowingly to get here. I found this site, I listened, learned, accepted stuff about myself, about what my H is going through and then the decisions I made for myself and my kids got me to this place today. I don't think I knew I was doing things right; I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and here I am.

The rock bottom our spouses placed us at forced us to face what's happening, or be destroyed. I do believe that if we found this site, we're the ones who decided to face the situation, face our issues, and do what ever is needed for ourselves and our kids, if we have them, to climb back up and beyond.


You have verbalised the place I find myself in too so very eloquently.  Thanks.  Its not too shabby is it :)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Chookie on June 08, 2018, 03:40:57 AM
Congratulations to you and S, Milly!! How exciting and what a massive achievement!  :D
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 17, 2018, 04:10:46 PM
Chookie and Hope thank you for your lovely posts.

I haven't posted because I've been so busy with work and S's tennis, which I'm taking to be a good move forward for me as a person. I'm not loving my work again and this is bothering me. I love my tastings but I'm having a problem with the winemaker. I think he wants to get me in trouble. He's not collaborating, or rather he seems to want to make things hard for me. I wonder if I'm just not used to working with others any more.

I am also spending a lot of time looking for a property to buy.  To remind you all, I'm renting a little place in Florence for S and I, which we really like but it's not perfect. It's too small when my Ds come to visit and it's far from S's school. I'm planning on moving close to his school in the autumn. But I would love to buy a little country house where we can escape at the weekends. A place that has enough rooms for the 3 kids and where I can have a little garden. When I'm not using it, I'm going to rent it out. I'm feeling the need for any property I should own, to earn me back some money.

So I'm searching the real estate sites every day. I'm going to see 4 places this coming week. They're in completely different areas. I don't quite know yet where I want a holiday home to rent out. I keep changing my mind. I think I'm just going to let myself fall in love with the look of the house. Hopefully it will have the same effect on tourists.

S14 finished school last week but now has the end of middle school exams, which determine whether he can go on to high school or not. If you've been following my thread, you know he's not been the most responsible student. I took his playstation away over a month ago but there is so much to study for this exam that I am a little stressed about it. His oral exam is on Thursday, 21st.

D21 came back from the UK for 5 days and then left to go to her friend in Mexico for 2.5 weeks. I loved picking her up in the evening at the airport but as soon as we got home her boyfriend turned up and spent the night. He spent the night the remaining nights. I hardly saw D and didn't get to speak to her. In fact, I didn't even realize she was leaving until the asked me for the number for a taxi the next morning to go to the airport.

I'm afraid I lost it. I went off my head. I felt so unappreciated, so used, so Hotel Milly, and I lost it in front of S14 on his birthday. D21 cried and said I was ruining everything. I howled into my hand in the bathroom like I hand't done in so long. I dropped into a terrible place, imagining all those dark thoughts many of us have experienced. It scared me. I thought I was in such a better place. I didn't think I could ever revisit that place and yet it precipitated on me in a matter of minutes.

The next morning I felt like a wet rag. D21 had left at 4am to catch her flights. I wrote her a message apologizing for shouting and told her I had been hurt. By some miracle my IC wrote me (she was supposed to be on holiday) to say she was in town and had an opening on my day if I wanted it. I took it of course.

D21 wrote me from the plane to say that she was sorry she had ignored me and that she loved me. This is not how I had imagined her return to be like.

My IC pointed out how I had not imposed any house rules on my D21. She asked me why I hadn't told my D that she couldn't have her boyfriend stay over on the first and last night. I said I thought it was obvious. She said that often in a single parent home the relationship with the parent is more similar to a friend. That D would not have done anything on purpose to ignore me but would have carried on in my home like she would in her student house. I was surprised by this. I thought family was really important to D21.

My IC says I must set my house rules and state them in advance. I must communicate more otherwise it boils up and explodes. I told her I shouted and reminded myself of H. I hated that I behaved like that. She asked me why I hadn't just told D21 she couldn't have her boyfriend. I couldn't answer her, I thought D should just know. IC says why would she know?

I had used the example of one of D's friend's family where everything is great and shouted at D that in that house there's no way the D would have her boyfriend stay on the first night back or the last night before she left. My IC said that in this family's house there were very clear rules. It did make me think that maybe even in my marriage I presumed my H should know what I wanted or needed.

So this all happened this past week. Yesterday, S14 played team tennis and won two very difficult matches to save his team, which now goes onto the semifinal in the regionals next Saturday. I'm so proud of him. His tennis teacher says there's been a huge change in him these past months and that his self esteem is growing. Oh, what happiness that gives me. I told D21 and she's so happy for him, too.

Next Saturday my oldest D23 arrives from the US for 2 weeks. She's the one I've had huge problems with since BD. She sided with her dad and told me I deserved to be cheated on. She then didn't speak to me for 2 years. In any case, in the last few months she's been communicating with me regularly. I would say we now talk (message) almost every day, more than I do with D21. I hope this might be useful to know for the LBSs who's oldest have abandoned them at BD. I'm looking forward to seeing her, haven't seen her for a year, but I'm also apprehensive as in the past when she's come she's caused such turmoil, always related to her dad. But she's more mature now and I'm much stronger, so I hope we can have a good time.

Just a little news about the vanisher MLCer. H took S14 out shopping the other day for his birthday, bought him a new phone. S hand't seen his dad in over a month. S said that H was extremely rude to all shop staff, he tried to push in in front of the line, he was sarcastic and condescending to everyone. S said he was really embarrassed and finally told H to stop.

I'm sad to hear this because it means that H has made absolutely no progress. Actually, he might even be worse. OW is notorious for mistreating staff so it looks like H is taking on her mannerisms. Personally, I'm embarrassed when someone I'm with is rude, but it seems that H is not at all embarrassed and, instead, he's convinced himself that arrogance is right. My H is still very raw.

So to reflect back on this past week, I realize that I'm making progress as far as my independence and non co-dependance on H. However, I'm not fully healed and can regress very quickly to a dark and vulnerable place. I guess I'm still a work in progress. The positive is that I do not think of H all the time. I still think of him daily but not hourly. There are many times during the day when I am very content with my life today whether my home, my town, my friends, and my life in general.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: serenity on June 17, 2018, 11:56:54 PM
Hi Milly
Sorry to hear you are so low

I’ve found children can be so thoughtless and hurtful. But they don’t mean it - they’re just young and full of their own  lives and they forget how much we hurt and struggle.

It’s good your D messaged and told you she loved you.

I think it’s brilliant you’re looking for a little property and I hope you find something wonderful and special.

I’m hurting badly too as my beloved D is moving even further away than ever. We have been each others’ support and everything since H’s crisis. She now has very poor health and ongoing problems.
She’s moving so far from family, friends and support and her bf is a nightmare. A MLC waiting to happen - just full of addictions. I feel heartbroken! This is our first year of not spending both our birthdays together.

I’m seven years in and life is ok but at times still very tough. I’ve cried a lot again recently. I’m moving too so it’s lots of changes and new stuff happening.

You’re doing so well. There will be blips but mostly you’ll keep going forwards and upwards as we all do

Hugs

X
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 18, 2018, 12:21:31 AM
Hi Milly,

I think that there are things that we all tend to take for granted and one of those things is that the "rules" are understood, even if they are not explicitly expressed.  The problem there is that humans don't read minds...

We "expect" people to understand certain things based on the way we have either experienced that person or based on past behavior... and, as with all expectations, we can then be disappointed when those expectations are not met...

Your IC made a VERY good point for all of us... D21 was simply living her won life as she would have had she been in her own house... the thing is, is that it wasn't her own house and she didn't consider the impact of her actions. At the same time, she was unaware of your expectations/wants/needs....

In the immortal words of the Jail Warden in the movie  "Cool Hand Luke" - "What we have here is a failure to communicate."

We live and we learn, right?

Now it is time to adjust the crown and march on!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 18, 2018, 01:30:15 AM
Serenity, I'm really sorry that you are so sad about your D moving far away. I can completely understand how you're feeling. Your D is like my middle D to me. I dread the thought that my D might go leave across an ocean. Right now she's aiming to come back to Italy or stay in Europe. That's the best I can hope for. I remember you writing about it on your thread. I think that if my D21 moves far away, I will organize a house swap on a regular basis to go spend time near her if I can't go live where she is.

UM, thank you so much for your positive and calming words. You have a way of making things sound easily resolvable, maybe it's your science head. Yes, I must learn to communicate. Getting some pins to hold my crown in place!

Today I have a long day of work. I need to get started yet here I am procrastinating. Once I sit at my desk, I actually enjoy my work and feel good about myself. S14 is in the kitchen studying.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Trustandlove on June 18, 2018, 01:30:53 AM
I agree with Ursa -- thank you for the reminder that we aren't mind readers!  I am reminded of what I was once told about teenagers and doing household chores; that they literally need each step explained.  So something like "pick up the pot with one hand, take the sponge and make sure it had dishwashing liquid on it, wipe out and scrub both inside and out, getting all the bits......"   

I was then reminded that they don't just "pick up" things, they do actually need to be taught.  I remembered that when explaining to my sons about doing the washing up! 

I remember telling my H early on that I couldn't read his mind, this is a good reminder that I can't expect him or anyone else to read mine!

I know I used to be a bit tentative when laying down rules for my children (now grown), because it was a bit scary that they might not like it, and by extension not like me, but I've always found that they really do appreciate that, and if it's an issue such as them coming home but having their own plans and me wanting them to spend time with me, we're now able to negotiate.  And I realise that I'm not their pal, I'm their mother!

Thank you, Milly, that was really good.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 18, 2018, 06:22:39 AM
Milly, I’m thinking that D21’s visit opened up a deep wound caused by your H’s abandonment and nastiness, and it all came flowing out.   My take is that D21’s actions were a catalyst in your pent up anger and hurt...  It’s better out than in, don’t you think?  I also think that that it wasn’t about D or her actions but your inner pain.  (((((HUGS)))))))

D is young and still learning about life, especially in regards to not focusing mostly on her wants.  21 is a tender age.  They are still very much in ‘me’ world and do not see other’s needs very well.   One positive (?) point in this saga is that she felt totally comfortable and relaxed with you and your home that she let her hair down and indulged in her own wants.  I doubt that she would have done it elsewhere.  You and your home are her safe place because she has no fear of losing your love, no matter what. 

You were able to communicate your anger and sadness and she apologized and empathized with you.  A teachable moment for both of you.  A ‘normal’ life situations with young people.  (Note: how different this is from dealing with MLCer!  >:() 

Yes, there are practical matters such as articulating boundaries and not relying on mind reading, but the most important point I see is addressing your strong reactions to the situation.  I’m glad that you were able to see IC... 

(((((HUGS)))))), Milly, the sun is just beyond the clouds.  It is a new day, a new start. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 18, 2018, 02:46:25 PM
Acorn, thank you for your post. I think you're completely right, I still have an open wound. It showed me how quickly that rage and pain can come up to the surface. No wonder LBSs who are reconnecting and reconciling talk about moments of PTSD. It is better out, it's healthier and it gives me an opportunity to address it.

Thanks for pointing out that at least D21 felt so comfortable around me that she felt she could lead her life as she pleased. Yes, my home is her safe place. I'm her safe place, she has told me many times. Thanks for reminding me. And yes, I did manage to communicate my anger and sadness which lead to an apology on both sides. I guess it's a great lesson for both of us. Ugh, it's all so hard, isn't it?

It was my reaction to the situation that scared me and disgusted me. I didn't like myself at all. I was so disappointed with myself for behaving that way. Like I said in my post, I reminded myself of H. He does that.

Acorn, you have a very kind way of talking. Thank you so much.

Another lovely LBS wrote me a private message. I want to share something she said that resonated with me because it might also touch others. She was speaking about herself and said that our kids don't realize how much we look forward to being with them, they don't realize our loneliness.

Lonely, that's what I am. I hadn't realized it or verbalized it yet. I'm so lonely. Just like many of us, I'm facing my kids growing up and leaving and I'm realizing that my best friend, my D21 is going to have her own life, which is not going to include me on a daily basis any more.

It would have been so much easier to bear with a partner, my H who is her father and would be feeling just like me. We could hug, go out to dinner, take a little trip, anything to distract ourselves, but he's got a girlfriend who's hugging him, and I'm on my own. I guess this is part of the pain that came surging up on me the other night when I shouted so badly at D21, my beloved, sweet girl.

I started out my week disorientated. I forgot a work appointment today, which I'm so angry at myself for. I feel that I'm not in control of my little life. I know my IC would say why do I care so much that I forgot the appointment. I don't know, but I feel that I failed to myself. I hate messing up with my work. My IC always asks me why I worry about things like this so much. My answer is that I want to do a good job. She asks me if I'm worried that my boss will think less of me. I guess that is the core of my concern.

Tonight I caught up a little on work. This week is going to be extremely busy for me. Tomorrow I'm going to see two houses.
Thank you my friends for being here for me.
Millyxxxxx

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 18, 2018, 03:50:59 PM
I think so many of us are especially hard on ourselves Milly. I have had quite a few meltdowns with my S. I, like you, never like to feel out of control. Or to yell at anyone in anger. But I’ve come to realize that those moments are teaching opportunities too. To remind ourselves, and more importantly our children, that we are human after all and we make mistakes. You apologized to your D and told her you were wrong to react that way. That is huge in and of itself. And my guess is that will bring you even closer.

Oh I understand that loneliness so well. It truly isnt fair that we must endure such pain while our MLCers are out (seemingly) living the life of Riley. A good friend of mine just had her last child leave for college. And so now her H and her are doing all kinds of fun things together. I love watching them together bc they are so comfortable and happy. Kinda how I used to be with my H, and likely you with yours. It does bring on the sads for sure. I like to think there is purpose to this suffering and pain. That we will come through this so much happier and better than we ever thought possible. Well, at least that’s my little prayer I say every day, for me, my boy, and for every other lbs and their children too. Hugs friend. For what it’s worth, I think you are a phenomenal mother. And your kids all know that too.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 18, 2018, 04:12:57 PM
Quote, Milly:
“I started out my week disorientated. I forgot a work appointment today, which I'm so angry at myself for. I feel that I'm not in control of my little life. I know my IC would say why do I care so much that I forgot the appointment. I don't know, but I feel that I failed to myself.”

I get this!  O boy, do I know what you are fedling...  Soon after the BD, I went crazy trying to control whatever I could, which was me and my tasks.  No wonder, my life as I used to know was going belly up and I was looking to control something that won’t betray me so that I would stay sane.  That was ME!   This is all in hindsight. ;D 

Breathe, Milly.  The earth keeps turning and the sun still rises every morning. Nobody died.  Life is good.  Yep, I know you know this.  But it doesn’t hurt someone else reminding you this, eh?!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Chookie on June 19, 2018, 02:35:11 AM
Milly, I just wanted to say that I get the loneliness thing too. I have a good job, great friends and family, including H's, but am so lonely. But while our H's are acting like space cadets who have been stolen by revolting ow aliens from the planet scrag, we are lonely but blessed to still have a rational head on our shoulders, lovely people around us and the support of the amazing members of THS.

Keep busy and check in often.  :)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 19, 2018, 03:11:14 AM
Lonely? Get a dog!   ;D  Seriously I got told this one time... I already HAD a dog though....

Yes, it can get lonely..... I remember the first year, every time it would be rainy and grey and if my kids weren't with me, I'd fall into a funk of epic proportions...... I worked a lot of overtime just so I would NOT have to go to an empty flat.....

And the scatterbrainedness.... UGH! I felt like I was trying to constantly herd cats...... I am amazed that the launch I was running went as well as it did and, having used all the various stuff that I produced then for the launch in April, I was again pleasantly surprised at how completely I had done the work.... I do not remember a lot of it....

UM

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 24, 2018, 03:24:19 PM
Thank you guys for following me and posting. You guys are incredible. Kit, you always have such a lovely way of expressing things, thank you. Acorn and Chookie, thank you for reminding me to breathe and that our Hs have been stolen by ow aliens from the planet scrag. You don't know how much that is helpful for me to hear tonight. UM and Acorn for understanding the disorientated feeling. I guess it does make me feel better to know that a space scientist felt like he was herding cats. That's exactly how I feel a lot of the time. Tiring isn't it?

Well, I'm sorry if I come on to post just to moan or feel sorry for myself. My eldest D24 arrived yesterday and I have had a lovely time with her since I picked her up yesterday morning. I had been apprehensive before her arrival, since the last 4 years since BD she has been terrible and made things so much worse for all of us.

She is finally maturing and healing, and probably me too, or we are both in a much better place personally. It has been such a breath of fresh air being with her compared to the past years since BD. For that I'm so relieved. Even S14 has said she is much better, and he's like a wise old man.

However, with D24 being here, I'm getting to hear a teeny eeny bit about H's life and that has me cycling again and I hate it. D24 arrived yesterday morning. i picked her up. In the afternoon I had to take S14 to a tennis tournament a bit away so she said she'd head over to H's, an hour away, and have dinner with him and stay the night. She said she'd be back this morning. She sent a message at 2pm today to say that she'd just woken up and would be having lunch with her dad before heading home.

Of course I was hoping he was on his own - expectations. I wasn't going to ask her anything about her dad but she posted a photo of her lunch on instagram, and although it was very discreet, just the table full of food, I could see the 3 clean dishes sitting on the side for their next course.

I told myself that maybe H had a friend over, that maybe 3 was just a chance and didn't mean anything, but come on, he's with psychowitch so the most rational explanation is that she is there too, having dinner and lunch and light talk with my D.

I almost convinced myself not to presume anything, when at dinner tonight (I took D24 and S14 out to D's restaurant of choice), D mentioned that although her dad had food for lunch 'they' wouldn't have any food again in a couple of days. Then she added that 'they' always eat a certain grain with every meal. Well that did it for me. All I could think about was 'they.' That rotten b*tc# of an OW who chased my H knowing he was married with children, and pushed her charms on him while he was a 50 year old with financial pressures, and a long marriage, and FOO issues.

And here she was sitting on a beautiful terrace in Tuscany having the lunch MY H cooked with H's and my D. Anytime I hear about this OW my blood boils. I hate her so much. She makes me feel so angry and so low about myself and so bitter that my life ended up where it is today and that my children will be scarred because of her and my H.

I did not show anything to my D. I'm sure she felt my recognition of the word 'they.' She looked at me like she was sorry she'd said it. I pretended all was fine and funny, but I'm not ok tonight. Oh, when will this pain stop? Maybe if I could find someone else, but I can't. I refuse to go looking and I don't see how some lovely man is just going to drop into my so busy life.

As I said at the beginning, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight again. All I could think about was that I had to get back home and get on the forum.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: hopeandfaith on June 24, 2018, 04:46:39 PM
Well here you are Milly - back on the forum and safe and loved.

You did really well with your D24.  Being with her would have been a big trigger in itself and triggers are the ego's way of telling us that we have made NO progress.  You have made heaps of progress girlfriend.  For starters, you kept it inside.  That's huge.  Humungous!!  You are also coming here to vent so that you don't keep it inside - if you know what I mean.  That's responsible emotional management and that's really hard when you are disoriented so please give yourself a pat on the back.

Plus, now you also know that ow is significantly older than she said she was and has witchy controlling 'grainy' tendencies too.  You have just been witness to her life at its best.  Life by Instagram snap is as good as it gets for her.  She doesn't have the richness of the busy life that a man WILL be dropped into when it's least convenient (that's just how the universe rolls ::)).  She doesn't have the best friend D21 who she can have honest and raw conversations with.  She doesn't have the wise old S14 who will be standing on the winners podium thanking his mum in years to come for putting him first and always being there.  She will not even have your H by then.  She will be a dried up prune (or grape if that wine reference makes you smile more).

These painful times do tend to shunt us forward and its not until we get to the other side that we see that.  I think you are in the middle of one now so you just have to hold on and breathe it out. 

Hugs x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 24, 2018, 05:01:20 PM
Oh, HOPE THANK YOU!! YOur post was perfect and had me laughing, too. Thank you so much for being here for me right now!xxxx
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on June 24, 2018, 05:53:25 PM
Milly,

I'm glad you came here to vent and share.  We're your peeps!   

I don't have children with my MLCer so I don't know what it feels like to be in that situation that you're in. 

Just want you to know I'm still following and I care. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on June 24, 2018, 10:52:08 PM
Milly, agree with others that it’s ok to feel hatred and anger and even envy. This ow has done and said dreadful things that have hurt you and your kids. Also agree that letting it out here but not with your daughter is healthy too. Given past events, I guess what matters most is rebuilding your relationship with her and that means accepting her choices on how she manages her relationship with your h. Can’t imagine how hard that must be.

But another truth is that a really good life is not lived on instagram. Did you used to post every microbe of your pre-BD life? I bet you didn’t; you were too busy just living it. And Ms Grainy has a version of your h that you wouldn’t want or enjoy - a deceitful, angry, self-pitying teenager who took legal action against his own child and cares only about himself. No prize at all and not a fun dinner companion.

The feelings are ok and your wisdom in not letting them damage your relationship with your daughter is even better. Our spouses and their ow and enablers are like germs in a petri dish; sometimes we just need to limit the spread of the infection!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 25, 2018, 05:08:14 AM
Milly, you are allowed to feel all that anger, hatred and disgust toward those that hurt you so much.  Without feeling them, you won’t be name and resolve them.  I’m glad you could pour it out and share your state of mind with us. I’m sure that was therapeutic.

D24 must have been very much impacted by what happened with her dad.  Me thinks you were the ‘whipping boy’ for all her bewilderment, insecurity and anger.  She took her time to heal a little, didn’t she?  4 years...  What matters now is that the R between the two of you is better than before.  I dare mention the hated 4-letter word, TIME.  ;D I’m sure she will continue to mature and be able to walk in your shoes in due time.  Your H and the rotten OW who is pulling him by the nose ring are not going to fool your D24 for very long.  After all, truth prevails whether we want it or not. 

Sending you (((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 25, 2018, 04:19:10 PM


Plus, now you also know that ow is significantly older than she said she was and has witchy controlling 'grainy' tendencies too.  You have just been witness to her life at its best.  Life by Instagram snap is as good as it gets for her.  She doesn't have the richness of the busy life that a man WILL be dropped into when it's least convenient (that's just how the universe rolls ::)).  She doesn't have the best friend D21 who she can have honest and raw conversations with.  She doesn't have the wise old S14 who will be standing on the winners podium thanking his mum in years to come for putting him first and always being there.  She will not even have your H by then.  She will be a dried up prune (or grape if that wine reference makes you smile more).


This may just be the best thing I’ve read in a while. It is so true!! Everything Hope wrote is spot on! Happy you got to spend time and reconnect with D24. Sorry about those “other annoyances.” It does sting when we get knowledge that the people who are “ours” are included in the MLCers new life. But, life is not an Instagram post as Hope pointed out. And my guess on that too is that if they were having such a wonderful time, the post probably wouldn’t have happened. Nothing is EVER as good as it looks on social media! Hang in there friend. Hugs
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 26, 2018, 10:28:45 AM
THank you Still for sending me support. Treasur and Acorn thanks for saying it's ok for me to feel anger. I feel guilty about it but it's such a strong feeling when it comes that I can't pretend it's not there. Kit, yes, Hope's post was superb. She really did make me appreciate my situation compared to H's life with grainy old OW.

I have nothing much to post but thought I'd pop in and journal. Things with my D24 are still going great. She's like another person. I'm scared to think she's going to remain like this. I keep thinking that any minute now she's going to turn back into the psycho she was these past years. She goes out to see her friends every day but texts me to tell me where she is and if it's ok??????

Today we took an hour drive together out into the country to look at a house, which I didn't like, but just being able to do this with her again is such a blessing.

On the other hand, her being around is a trigger as someone said. She reminds me of H, or represents the little family we had and I just can't believe we're not all together now.

Tomorrow I have work out at the winery. The new owner is back for a few weeks. I have a tasting in the afternoon then S14 has a match, then home and relax. Thursday I'm going to see another property.

Thank you so much for being here when I needed you.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: heroIam on June 26, 2018, 11:05:16 AM
Hi Milly
Hoping you are feeling a bit more calm.  I really cannot use social media of any kind.
It is such a trigger for me. 
You are a hero mom.  Your kids will come to know and see that. 
I don't have kids and I can only imagine how much more complicated this is with the kids.
Sending love and peace.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 26, 2018, 11:47:01 AM
Milly I also think that D senses a shift in you. You are no longer that puddle on the floor. You have shown yourself to be a pillar of strength. And people are attracted to that. Your sadness and reaction at the beginning likely scared her. Not saying it is your fault that she reacted the way she did. We know all too well the terrible things people do when motivated by fear. But now that you been on this journey, picking up the pieces, creating a wonderful life for your family, she sees you as a safe place again. Don’t worry about the ball dropping again Milly. This is a whole new Milly 2.0 version. And she’s fierce.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: No expectations on June 26, 2018, 06:12:59 PM
Hi Milly, my dear sweet,  amazing friend.  I haven't been on lately,  but when I got on today, you were the first thread I looked for.  You really are so strong.  Give yourself a great big hug, from me! 

I totally understand about being hard on yourself about the missed appointment.   I am exactly that way about myself.   As if I have to be perfect.   That is something I am still working through with my IC.   It is definitely tied to my own abandonment issues,  and the feeling I'm not good enough.   But you have come so far.  You recognize your triggers, you allow yourself to feel your feelings,  you own your issues. 

And I know you know this, but that ow is NOTHING.  She is less than nothing.  What kind of person latches on to a man that is broken,  that is unavailable,  that needs to run from his family, his feelings, himself?  Don't ever forget that he went to someone more broken than him.

Take care of yourself,  my friend.  Good luck house hunting!   And please,  keep me posted if you can make it to Florida  ;)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Chookie on June 26, 2018, 11:18:01 PM

And I know you know this, but that ow is NOTHING.  She is less than nothing.  What kind of person latches on to a man that is broken,  that is unavailable,  that needs to run from his family, his feelings, himself?  Don't ever forget that he went to someone more broken than him.

This!  ;)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Whyus on June 26, 2018, 11:49:43 PM
Milly, if you knew how much I hate OM!! The thought of my Kids accepting him and eating, chatting with him makes my blood boil. I try not to Show it but every now and again I let off a Little steam and blow my cover.
I have tried to forgive W and OM and I am still trying but I just cannot do it, not yet atleast. I dont think that we will be friends, not even in 20 years. It hurts to think that my Boys will one day marry and I will probably have to share a table with the scags........

Stay strong Milly, there are enough men out there who would love to fit into your busy Lifestyle. Not every single over 40 is a tool or there because he made a misatake, look at us!!! We are all a catch arent we?
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 27, 2018, 08:52:16 AM
D24 probably has realized that you are her safe place, even after her horrible treatment of you.  There is the proof of your unconditional love for your kids.  Just like D21.  What a compliment to you that D24 has softened so much toward you.  You don’t need to say anything to the kids for them to realize that your love for them is bigger than the ocean.  They know intuitively. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 27, 2018, 11:04:58 AM
Oh, you guys are sooo sweet, Hero, Kit, NoE, Chookie, Whyus, and Acorn. You really know how to pull me up with your lovely comments about my D24's love for me, my new Milly-me-2.0! A man going to drop into my busy life! Superman? NoE checking my thread first!!!! Me too I'm working with my IC on this need to do things perfectly, for approval of course.

Last night D24 told me that when she was at lunch with H and OW last Sunday, they had salad and dressed it with olive oil and lemon, no salt or vinegar. D24 asked if they had some vinegar, which they did, and OW said, 'Balsamic vinegar is full of sugar!' D24 answered, 'I'm not going to drench myself in it, I'm just going to use a drop!' So my D24 is beginning to stand up for herself with OW. What I cannot understand is why my H is eating salad with no salt or vinegar. He would have ridiculed people in the past for this. Shows how brainwashed he is.

D24 also said to me straight out that she doesn't think her dad is in love with OW, she's just convenient. D said that she gets the impression that H just accepts that he's with OW now even though he doesn't care that much for her. D said that OW could have been anyone. D24 knows hardly anything about MLC, so she's come up with this stuff herself. This really surprised me coming from her.

D24 said they were talking about face creams for wrinkles and OW said to D24, wait until you get close to 40! So I slipped in the fact that OW is 51. D did not know. Could it really be possible that H doesn't know OW's real age?

I was telling D24 that OW had known H was married with kids the first time she met him so she should have known he'd have to deal with his kids. D24 tells me that H told her (not this time) that he told OW that all he had was a cat and a dog. I don't believe it one bit. I told D24 that OW was introduced to my H by H's best friend who came to D24's baptism. It is possible though that my H has convinced himself that he lied to her in some way. Here we go that script where the MLCer feels guilty about having lead the OW along.

D24 also told me that the night she arrived when she went over to have dinner with her dad, they went out for pizza. D told H that he could ask OW if he wanted (I hate that!) but H said 'Na.' So here we have a kid who's willing to mix with H and OW and yet H doesn't want to include her! Yet with my S14 who doesn't want anything to do with OW, and I get to contribute to this decision therefore stopping it from happening, and OW and H are pushing for it. It does make me question OW's real intentions for wanting to have S14 stay with them. Is it so she feels like she got to steal something else of mine? Hmmmmm!

Long day of work today. Saw the new owner, all fairly pleasant. Had my tasting, lovely people. Took S14 to a tennis tournament, he won his match and plays the final on Friday, and I'm now sitting with my feet up drinking a glass of white wine with some chips and guacamole (already made stuff, sorry you good cooks out there).

Going to make some pasta for me and S14 then going to try and follow some stupid show on TV. xxxx

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 28, 2018, 12:01:54 PM
Spoke to my lawyer tonight. She called to say our separation hearing was today. We are pushing to garnish H's wages and we need the judge to agree on it. My L said H was there in person with a ton of papers and insisted on speaking on and on at my L and the judge.

My L said he is out of his head. She questioned him and his answers were outrageous. It's clear that everything he says is a lie.

She called him on suing D21. He said he was really sorry and he was going to cancel the suit (he obviously isn't yet aware that the judge has cancelled it already!). My L asked him if he realized what a can of worms he stirred up by doing this? H said he was really sorry, he just wanted to teach D21 a lesson because she raised her hands to him, meaning she was violent (violent back is what happened). L said that she knows the story from me and that's not how it went. H said he's going to go down to the police station tomorrow and cancel it right away. L said do you understand what could potentially happen to your D when she applies for a job and they do a check on her?

Then regarding not having paid maintenance since 2015, H said that he has no money because the tax man is garnishing his wages for the many years he chose not to pay them. Also, his bank is now forcing him to repay a loan he took out after BD, which he ignored for 3 years. He had told us the tax man was taking a 5th of his pay cheque, but my L discovered that it's taking a 7th, so quite a difference. She also suspects H is making money abroad and said this out loud. He denied it of course.

H said to L and judge that 'his wife' is trying to put him in prison. That he can't afford to live if I garnish his wages. My L told him to revue his spending habits and the size of his house. The judge told him, 'Come on, you can afford to go see your girlfriend in London every month!'

H said I won't allow him to see S14. My L said S is big now and can decide for himself so if he's not seeing H it's because he doesn't want to. H said that I had clearly brain washed L. L said that nobody brain washers her. I have a great lawyer! My phone went dead during the call so I don't know how it ended.

Saw D24 briefly today. She'd stayed at H's last night. I saw he took her out to a fancy restaurant, the place we would go for birthdays and what not. D looked strange when I got in. I asked her if she was ok. She said she's anxious. I asked her if it was something in particular but she said no. I hadn't spoken to my lawyer at that point. I'm wondering if H spoke badly about me last night and told her I'm trying to put him in prison? I hope not. I really don't want to face this conversation with her. From my past experience with her, she'll just take his side without even hearing mine. Maybe I should just tell her she's free to believe him if she wants. Or say that if she believes he's an honest man, she's free to believe his version. I know I shouldn't presume what H has said to her, or even why she was anxious tonight, but I feel that if I'm prepared for it, I might be in a better place to not react.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Mitzpah on June 28, 2018, 12:23:29 PM


Saw D24 briefly today. She'd stayed at H's last night. I saw he took her out to a fancy restaurant, the place we would go for birthdays and what not. D looked strange when I got in. I asked her if she was ok. She said she's anxious. I asked her if it was something in particular but she said no. I hadn't spoken to my lawyer at that point. I'm wondering if H spoke badly about me last night and told her I'm trying to put him in prison? I hope not. I really don't want to face this conversation with her. From my past experience with her, she'll just take his side without even hearing mine. Maybe I should just tell her she's free to believe him if she wants. Or say that if she believes he's an honest man, she's free to believe his version. I know I shouldn't presume what H has said to her, or even why she was anxious tonight, but I feel that if I'm prepared for it, I might be in a better place to not react.

Milly,

Congrats on your lawyer!!

On the other hand, this is so painful, isn't it?

I can see what you mean about D24. I would be thinking the same thing. I think the best thing is to  :-X for now. If she asks you any questions, reply honestly and calmly, remember that she has been away for the last few years and has not seen his behavior towards you up close. Certainly, don't push her into a corner, forcing her to choose sides - my kids believed a lot of what my h. told them about me and now they realize his thinking was totally skewed and inaccurate. They have learnt to keep well out of it and I prefer it that way. I believe that the truth always has a way of coming to light. You just keep on being consistent.

((((Hugs)))))

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on June 28, 2018, 01:21:57 PM
I like your lawyer, Milly.  The judge is cool, too.  I guess they’ve seen it all before.  The ‘poor, poor me’ attitude and ‘my W is bleeding me dry’ nonsense.  They are always the victim. 

As far as your D24 is concerned, I think it’s up to her to discern what the truth is.  She is more than old enough.  Time has a way of accumulating evidence and make the truth plain to see, anyway.  If she repeats something from your H that are blatantly false, you have the right to state the facts calmly and as briefly as possible.  I believe that engaging in any discussions about ‘H’s point of veiw’, or her agreement with it, is unproductive and could well be negative to your R with her, which is only just sprouting tender young leaves...  So,  :'( is highly recommended from me, too.

Don’t you just hate how stupid MLC has so many poisonous tentacles that reach out and try to snare so many people and relationships between them?!  Go away, MLC!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: 20thcenturygirl on June 28, 2018, 02:58:11 PM
Milly, following along.  Your lawyer does sound awesome.  Don't suppose she fancies coming here and helping me out a bit !

Quote
He had told us the tax man was taking a 5th of his pay cheque, but my L discovered that it's taking a 7th, so quite a difference. She also suspects H is making money abroad and said this out loud. He denied it of course.
Will they be able to subpoena his overseas taxes at all? 
Hopefully he is sweating a bit.

I believe that your D will eventually see through his lies and manipulation. 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on June 28, 2018, 10:22:56 PM
I agree Milly. If it comes up find a calm way to say that she’s an adult, her R with her father is between them just as yours is, that you are not interested in badmouthing h or his life but you have to deal with the reality and facts you see in best way you can and that she will have to do the same. I suspect your h was venting after the court thing and her anxiety may be that she is starting to see things she didn’t see before. You will continue to be the sane parent who treats her with respect and expects to be treated the same....and who uses balsamic!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 28, 2018, 11:39:15 PM
Thank you so much Mitz, Acorn, Treasur, and 20th. Your advice is great and I will take it. I'm sitting here having a quick breakfast at my little kitchen table before a busy day and I'm studying your replies which are sensible and well balanced. Treasur I like the idea that I have to deal with the reality and the facts the best way I can and she will have to do the same. Plus I use balsamic!

Tonight D21 arrives back from her trip to Mexico which she funded herself by working in a fast food place during university. Tomorrow morning, me and the kids go off to the beach for 2 weeks. I booked a tiny little apartment for 2 weeks, instead of a slightly larger one for 1 week as I've been doing for years. I wanted to have 2 weeks of holiday like I've not had for years and years. I don't want to feel the days of holiday ending quickly and want to be able to lie in the shade and sleep and read. D24 said she might only come for 1 night because she wants to see her friends. She goes back to the US in a week.  I said it's up to her, although I'm a little sad about that. D21 said she wants to stay the whole time. I'm so pleased!

D24 spent the night at H's last night so I'm a little anxious to see how she's going to be this afternoon. Last night I got the urge to write to H but, as an experienced LBS who reads the forum daily! wrote him an email and didn't send it. How glad I am this morning that I didn't!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on June 29, 2018, 09:45:06 AM
Milly,

I think your D24 is trying to figure things out.  If she opens up about things her father has said to her you just calmly tell her your truths as you know them.  She will have to decipher for herself what is fact and what is fiction.  I just hope that she doesn't leave to come to the U.S. on a sour note.  I hope that the inroads you have made in your relationship with her won't be tarnished. 

It is time for you and the kids to have a lovely two weeks enjoying the sun and sand.  I hope you'll have a chance to send us a couple updates while you're relaxing!   :)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on June 29, 2018, 01:21:57 PM
Still, of course I'll find time to update you all. You guys have been my family these horrible 4 years. I like what you say about my D24 not going back to the US on a sour note. Yes, I must make sure that doesn't happen. If the occasion arrives, I will pose my side as you say, and she will have to decide for herself. That does seem like the wisest option.

I saw D24 briefly today and she seemed 'fine.' She's been posting photos on facebook and instagram from up at her dads, and I'm making sure not to look at them. They only hurt me and get me riled up. Tomorrow night she joins us at the beach. At lunch time I leave with D21 and S14.

This afternoon S14 played a final and lost. He basically didn't play at all, he was terrible. I was angry on the side of the court because he knows better. D24 didn't like it that I was angry about S. She didn't get mad at me but she tried to justify him. I told her that this was competitive tennis and all that matters is winning or at least trying to. There is no 'good try' for a bad effort.

I wasted my time. I ran from my tasting, sweating, no lunch, picked him and D24 up and drove to a tennis tournament and sat in the boiling heat to watch him 'mess around.' I was not ok with that. If S14 wanted to play tennis for a hobby, I wouldn't care less, just like with the girls. But he wants more from his tennis, and if I enabled his terrible attitude on the court today, he'll get nowhere.

When S came off the court and we went to do the prize giving, he was all subdued. Not because he lost, but because he knew he'd disappointed me. I said nothing bad to him. He kept prodding me all the way home: am I being punished tonight? (ie, no playstation?) me: no, did I say you were being punished? S14: you seem like it. Me: no.

On the way home, D24 makes fun of me as a mother and brings out negative stuff of when she was a kid in an idyllic home. I say nothing much, admit some bits, but deny others. S joins in. I say nothing. We get home and S has not packed, the only thing I asked him to do today while I was at work.

He becomes all 'perfect': I've packed 6 t-shirts, is that ok? I've packed 3 tennis outfits, is that ok? I walk in his room and there are cans of coke on the floor, empty snack wrappers, a junk field all around his play station.

I tell him to clean it up immediately. He starts going on about how he gets to a final and has a bad day, one bad day and you have to get all angry, everyone has a bad day, what's with you? What happened to you today? I'm like, why? if I'm angry with you, it's because something happened to me elsewhere? I couldn't just be angry with you? S doesn't usually complain about me like this. S: ok I'm sorry, I played badly, but the wind, the racket, etc.........

I said: you wasted my time today and I have so much to do. He said: I know, I'm sorry. I also asked him not to speak badly about me, ie 'I'm playing a final and for 'once' I have a bad day and you get all angry!' in front of D24 because she goes back to H and tells him and he will say, 'yes, your mother is yada, yada, yada.....

I realize I am going to seem harsh to those of you who do not have kids doing competitive sports. I don't want to be harsh, but I do want him to fulfill his dreams and in competition, whether it's sports or wine there is no room for 'no effort.' S knows this deep down. If I molly coddle him, he will get nowhere. The girls couldn't care less about competitive tennis, and I let them train for it to become a wonderful hobby. S14 is different.

I'm sitting here at the same kitchen table I was at this morning when I posted. I just made a bit of salmon and french beans for me and S. He ate it all. I'm glad. He knows he did not do his best today and that was wrong. I do not hold grudges and he knows this. His efforts tomorrow will be rewarded. After all, life is not easy on any one. No point thinking that mum will always take care of things. I can't, I'm not magic.

So, here I am. I've got half a suitcase ready. I want to go sit on the couch with some wine. Had a great tasting this afternoon. I set it up to look beautiful. Sold lots of wine. The new owner was very happy.

I think I'm angry at H right now. Angry about the rubbish he still believes after 4 years, yesterday's hearing giving me an opportunity to hear his thoughts. I reread some of RCR's and Hearts Blessing's articles on replay and liminality this morning. They are so calming for me.

I sense that my H is somewhere near the end of replay where things get worse. He's dipped his toe into liminality and doesn't like it so he's working really hard at replay again, but it's not working out the way it did at first. First of all, he's now full of debts and everyone is after him. He is realizing he has nothing (material wise). It's still all my fault, and money is his pet hate. So he's probably somewhere between the later stages of replay and a little dip into liminality here and there. Although he's determined he can beat this liminality thing!

Thinking about the 'fog' they're in during this terrible crisis. I think it's really a form of mental damage. Not irreversable, but temporarily damaging. This fog makes it all confusing, nothing is clear, no memories, no feelings for the people they loved in their past lives, it's as if there's something pushing down on a part of their brain which holds their past family/marriage life in. They can't access it no matter what they do.

I reminded myself of a phrase I read when I discovered MLC. I think it was RCR, but it may have been HB. They said that 'nothing good happens during replay.' My H is still in replay, even if a later stage. That means I cannot expect anything good from him now. That releases from looking.

It also said that there were factors that could prolong replay, such as an Alienator, an alienator with a personality disorder, an alienator laying emotional blackmail, the number of FOO issues.  That would be a yes to all four of those things.

Ok, good night for now.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: waiting4 on June 30, 2018, 06:36:42 AM

 Following along with you Milly and getting caught up.. I just shook my head while reading your posts.. your H is in deep replay .. mine is the same.. its getting more and more hurtful.. nothing good will happen with them for now.. I am actually going completely dark, not even discussing bills with mine ..ive been down the rabbit hole several times lately..


I think you are doing great.. and I love that your D24 is standing up for herself..


XXX
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 06, 2018, 10:04:10 AM
Thanks for following along with me, Waiting and everyone else.

I'm on holiday at the beach for 2 weeks. Tomorrow is the end of the first week. I'm really relaxing. There's no pressure to do anything. I love that. I can lie for 6 hours at the beach doing nothing, always have been able to do that. My H used to be like that too. Now he is not allowed to get a tan. He's a Californian beach bum.

So, D21 and S14 are here with me on holiday. Not here right now. D21 asked if she could invite her girlfriend, whom I love, to stay for a few days. This friend has stayed with us many times. However..... This apartment is tiny, and I'm needing family time with D21. I told her this at the beginning of the holiday and she said she understood.

We talked about the last night before she left for Mexico and the problem with her boyfriend staying over, and she said: Why didn't i tell her he couldn't stay on the last night? I told her that that is what my IC said to me. I thought it was obvious. D21 has since broken up with this boy. She finally realized it was not a good relationship.

So last night D21 asked again if her friend can stay just tonight. I said ok. Tomorrow D24 comes just for the day with 2 girlfriends so it's going to be busy.

I'm enjoying myself, enjoying having no timetables, no work to be at by a certain time, no work to have to do, you all know what I mean. It's a treat, but...........I miss my H. I look at families with envy. I want a partner, I want a hug from a man. I want a relationship with a man. I would prefer it were with my H. That makes me feel like a failure. I can't say it to any one outside this forum.

I think having my D24 around, and hearing snippets of my H's life, and therefore knowing that OW is there sharing this life, is hurting me. My H is not communicating with me. Hasn't done so in a couple of months. It hurts. I never thought we would be separated, I never thought he'd want another woman even when things weren't great, I never thought I'd end up alone having to work to feed my kids, having to struggle to put some money together to have a holiday, having an empty future. I just can't believe this has happened. That my H has rejected me. What a waste of my life.

These are thoughts I have now and again but brush them off. I'm sure many of you have them, too. Treasur often says things I have thought myself. It's unbelievable how my H can move on and not need to know anything about me. He barely contacts my S14, which is the only clue that reminds me he's not well. Still.

Every time I go on holiday or I visit a beautiful place I can't help but think that I could be doing this with my H. No, that I SHOULD be doing this with my H. Why did this happen?

My D21 said to me the other night that I have to forget about Daddy. That I have to let him go or I will never like another man. I know that. I have tried. My brain knows but my feelings have a brain of their own. What if I'm doomed to not be able to want anyone else? What I should just want my H for the rest of my life? That seems terrible to me because I'm no longer confident that he's ever going to wake up.

Having a gloomy moment although I'm so lucky to be on holiday. Ugh, it's feeling a little like Christmas today.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on July 06, 2018, 10:15:21 AM
I get it, darling girl, you know I do.
Try to let tomorrow take care of itself for a little while.
Enjoy the sun and no timetable and the company of your children who love you
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: KeepItTogether on July 09, 2018, 08:02:55 AM
Yep I hear ya Milly—how they can do easily dispose of us and seemingly move on is mind boggling. But the truth is, they really aren’t moving on. Just running and avoiding. It is sad that they have to get to this point to deal with their issues though. I was with my inlaws for a couple of days . I usually see mil when picking up S at night. But haven’t spent this much time with her in a while. Definitely gave me some insight as to my Hs issues. Lol.

 It’s hard to think of them living that other life without us. It is hurtful for sure. But, as much as it is personal to us, it isn’t about us at all. And in fact if we could “help” our MLCers through this at this point, it might mean we are just as damaged.

Anyway, your beach vaycay sounds wonderful. Glad you are able to do that. Oh and one more thing, your future is far from empty. The proof is in that full house you find yourself in now. Hugs friend.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on July 09, 2018, 08:21:16 AM
I hope you are feeling better today...
I ditto everything KIT said. 
Your strength is your resilience, Milly.  You will (if not already) overcome this bout of gloomy thoughts.  You always do. 
Sending you lots of comforting (((((((((HUGS))))))))
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FaithWalker on July 09, 2018, 09:42:40 PM
I hear you Milly.  I think along the same lines.  When we went on the cruise, I thought those same things, and then I realized that if he were there, he would have been snapping at the kids, probably one of my nephews, which would have po'ed my SIL, and everyone would have been on edge.  I would have been trying to smooth over any ruffled feathers of everyone else, and been on edge wondering what was next.  And vacation wouldn't have been as relaxing.  Not with the MLCer as he has been the last however many years.  Maybe after MLC he will be different, but no...vacation would not have been as relaxing as it was, if his presence were there.  Sad but true.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 10, 2018, 03:52:28 AM
How lovely of you girls to post, Treasur, Kit, Acorn, and Faith.
Kit, you're right, the full house I had here the other day is proof that things are going well. I did make sure to enjoy the moment. Faith, I'm so glad you reminded me of what it would actually have been like if my H had been here with us whilst going through his MLC, which he has been going through for years, even before BD. You described my H perfectly, we would all have been on edge. That really helped me. Thank you.

D24 went back to the US a couple of days ago. I hope she'll come back for Christmas. Our experience with her this time was incredibly positive. We were always waiting for the other shoe to drop but it didn't happen. It's as if she's completely changed, or gone back to the little girl she was years ago. I'd almost forgotten the real her.

The past 4 years since BD, she was someone who should be locked up in a mental institution. I can't stress enough how crazy she has been. She was angry, on edge, and as D21 said to me last night, D24 was always picking a fight before. We would all be on edge wondering when anything we said could make her go crazy. Actually, she was very similar to how my H has been these last years.

She avoided speaking to us about H, kept claiming she is Switzerland, ie neutral. Ok, it's a start I guess. We only had one moment when I got a little angry with her when she became very impatient with me and would not let me speak. That night I told her I was sorry that she'd been late to her appointment because of helping me sort out S's school stuff. She actually apologized to me. She said she realized she'd been totally wrong and was sorry. Wow, what a change and what a relief.

Since she left, and the whole time she was here, she has been texting me every day just about silly stuff. That's more than D21 does. I'm feeling very hopeful about D24. It makes it much easier also on D21 and S14 to be with her. Both D21 and S were kind of dreading her arrival. They worried she'd go off her head and scream and even get violent as she had done in the past. I'm so glad we can all be together in peace again. It's been a while.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 10, 2018, 04:58:43 AM
Just wanted to journal a little and to have information to go back to in the future if I should want to see how things were at this point.

While I was away at the beach, S14 had to be signed up to high school. Being Italy, everything is always long and bureaucratical and impossible. The high school wanted the end of year report card between June 26th and 5th of July. The middle school was handing out the report card from 4th of July until end of the month. I didn't want to have to go back to Florence on purpose so I asked D24 if she would do this for me. She said ok. I had left the paper work ready for her.

On the morning of July 4th,  she picked up the report card at one school and drove over to the high school to hand it in. There she learned that there were several more documents to be filled in and signed, etc, which had to be handed in by the next day. I had done my best at deciphering all this stuff but had missed something somewhere. D24 was going to see her friends in Milan the following day so she couldn't bring the new papers in. She said she would ask her dad.

I crossed my fingers; he said ok. That evening with D on the phone, I helped her fill out all the papers, H had to pay the €100 enrollment tax (nice that he had to pay that for once), and then H would deliver the papers and payment receipt to the high school the following day. I told D24 to tell H to call me the following morning if there were any problems.

D24 sends me a text the following morning. H told her to tell me that I had to email a passport photo of S14 to the high school. Ugh, I'm in a seaside town with no such things. I tell D24 to ask her dad to phone me. She says, Can't you just phone Daddy? I said, I'm pretty sure I'm blocked. She said she'd call him and tell him to call me.

I tried to call H, of course no answer. I emailed him asking which email address I had to send the photo to and if it had to be done on the day. No answer. In the mean time I discovered the nearest town where there is a photo booth to do the passport photo. You might wonder why I can't just take a photo of my S and mail it in? Because it's Italy and everything has to be the way the form asks it to be. In know....don't get me started.

I text D24 again (she's in MIlan having fun with her old school friends) and say I still haven't heard from her dad. I ask her to ask him if it can wait until I get back and where to email it.

She writes back that H says I can take it there in person when I get back. I say to D that it's a shame her dad can't communicate with me about S. She states: I'm Switzerland! I say, ok, as long as you're happy being our secretary.

I email H because this is really annoying, and because I want to be able to show the judge if needed in the future when H claims I will not let him have anything to do with S. I head my email: My emails? Then I ask him if he's been receiving my emails about S14? That I wanted to know if the enrollment was all sorted and did he have a receipt for it and does he just turn up at school on the first day.

A few days earlier I had emailed H to tell him that S was playing an important tennis match and that I wouldn't be there if he wanted to go watch S play. H has previously said he wouldn't watch S if I was there. I said that S was playing amazingly lately and that I was sure S would like him to see him. No answer, of course.

I reached out to H on purpose with this email about S. It's something I think I wrote about on a different thread, maybe about vanisher/semi-vanishers, I said that I thought that by having no more contact with my H, I'm only making things easier for him. This way he gets to live the life of denial he wants. He wants to be able to forget about me for I imagine multiple reasons. If I stay out of his life, he can pursue his new, fake life. Being surrounded by psycho-witch and her friends, he's just getting more and more brainwashed.

So I was looking for a reason to contact. Anyway, H did not turn up at the match. So it's not just me he's ignoring. It think it suits my H to believe that I'm keeping him from my S. In reality, H has little interest in spending time with S. Being a dad is boring to him in his MLC state. Having to sit through his S play 3 sets of a tennis match is a bit like sitting through 3 hours of algebra.

However, eventually, H did answer my email about the school. It was a very brief, half sentence with no punctuation, no capital letter at the beginning of the sentence and no full stop at the end. I specify this because there are other times when he will write to me like an adult and write very well. I get the sense that he wrote to me with stiff fingers, in anger, or resentment, or fear.

Since D24 left, she posted on instagram two photos of the three of us, me, D24, and D21 in our bikinis at the beach. D21 and I were not particularly happy but whatever. H put he liked on both of them. Of course he probably did it for D24 or to make sure his family saw him being a good dad, but in the past he has not put I like on the photos that D24 posted with me in them.

I think once a month or so I'm going to send H an email about S without asking him for an intervention for now. However, I'm thinking that come autumn, I might ask for his help taking S here and there. I'm tired of it and it leaves me no time for myself.

On a small positive note on my work side, my boss, the new owner of my old winery, emailed me this week to say that he spoke to the accountant to say that I'm to bill more for my work. Basically, I had an agreement that I would charge him so much per tasting on top of my base salary, and he says that I am to charge my hours for the tastings (a lot) on top of the tasting fee, which he says is for running the tasting side of the business. It's not a huge amount but enough to eat on. So I'm really pleased about that.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on July 10, 2018, 06:32:49 AM
Wow, Milly.  That enroll a kid in high school in your country is crazy! 

How sad that your MLCer won't watch your S play tennis.  I love to watch tennis.  Have you been able to watch any matches during Wimbledon?

I am happy to read that your D24 is turning a corner and you are seeing the girl you have always known (I wish I'd seen the bikini picture on IG!). 

Great news on the pay raise!  You're rocking it, Milly! 
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 11, 2018, 03:26:38 AM
Still, you made me laugh. I'm glad that most of the people I know are not friends with D24 on Instagram!
I haven't watched the Wimbledon this year and have really missed it. I haven't had satellite TV since Christmas. I decided to save the money, €120/month since there was little time to watch TV for S and I. But next summer my D21 graduates university in the UK and we were talking last night about house swapping or getting a little air B&B in London and including a day at Wimbledon.

So, I don't remember if I've told you that H has organized 2 weeks of training in his office in Milan for D21. She's booked to go from next Monday for 2 weeks. D21 asked her dad to find her (and pay for) accommodation. He said to ask her mother. She complained that it was his deal and not her mothers and that he needed to find her something or she simply wouldn't go to Milan and would call up H's boss herself to apologize. H said ok he'd look for something.

In the meantime we found a free couch in my girlfriend's daughter's apartment, because we know we can't rely on H. This is probably better for D too as she knows my friend's daughter well. We all went to London together this winter.

Anyway, D21 needs a train ticket to go up and down, about €90 each way. She asked her dad to book it for her since he goes to Milan on the train regularly for his work. His answer: Sorry D21, I have no money and now my account is blocked. You'll have to ask your mother.

What a piece of $h!te! So now I'm going to have to fund this work experience in Milan organized by H at the company he works for. What a cheek!

Well this really, REALLY, annoyed me so I wrote to him and poked the bear. I haven't heard from him yet but I'm prepared for the MONSTER that is going to hit me, but I don't care. I had stuff I'd been holding in for a long time and I feel it's time I told him some hard truths for my own sake.

I discussed it with D21 and she said she didn't think it would make any difference. I agree, I don't expect it to achieve anything specific, except it allows me to have a voice. I told D21 that if I just keep accepting the stuff he throws at me, I feel like the old Milly during the last part of my marriage where I kept quiet to not cause a disturbance. Where I paid for everything and sorted everything so as not to get my H's monster side. But that's not ok for me any more. I am not a door mat. Standing or not standing, I have to be able to say how I feel.

So I wrote him a too long for sure, I know they have a short attention span, but I tried to keep my language simple and my paragraphs short. Here is what I wrote:
Once again you leave it up to me to fix things for the kids.

As long as you live in this victim mentality you are not going to have an easy life.

Everyone is tired of hearing you whine and no one is prepared to help you any more. Your problems will not end until you face your issues.

The 'lesson' you wanted to teach D21 for last summer's unnecessary episode, has cost us €5000.

That is D21's rent for 1 year. You will have spent the same, so that's 2 years of D21's rent thrown away. But you have no money for your kids?

So when a child gets angry or 2 siblings fight each other, their parents should call the cops on them and encourage them to sue each other? Is this how you parent children? Who on earth taught you this? I know it wasn't your family.

Of course it's much easier to insist it was all my fault. That absolves you of any blame in your mind and in the eyes of your friends.

Because any other option would be hard wouldn't it? It would mean facing your demons and you would rather avoid that.

It would mean having to admit to the people around you that you hadn't been completely honest. And that would damage the image you want of yourself.

The image you've created based on this story of yours is not real and chances are it will all catch up with you.

If you insist on believing this, I doubt you'll manage to have a peaceful life but maybe you like a life full of problems and drama. After all you do have a choice.

So I sent it. It's been a very long time since I sent him an email with a bit of my mind. It's a relief actually.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: serenity on July 11, 2018, 04:04:43 AM
Sorry to hear all this Milly.

If it makes you feel any better - I had all the same.

My H left me on the floor financially when he walked out. He was having a great old time whilst my youngest S and me struggled with no car, food, or heating.

Whenever I dared to asked for his help I got the most vile answers and response. It was like I had all the money the way he spoke to me and if I dared say it was alright for him with his rich OW1 and Cosey cottage he would just tell me that me speaking to him that way made him hate me even more!

Friends were buying us food, I borrowed money from my mother to buy a car and I was selling furniture to pay bills! I narrowly avoided having our beautiful farmhouse re-posessesed by selling it for less than market value!

I don’t know if that helps but it just goes to show that whilst in crisis they are all the most selfish, narcissistic people I know!

I hope you get a better response than I ever got. I have lost so much money due to my H’s crisis

X
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Acorn on July 11, 2018, 05:22:48 AM
So, he is a Santa that gives a gift to a child and says, ‘you have to pay.  If you can’t, your mommy has to pay.’  Don’t you think the whole sage re accommodation and transport clearly illustrates the inner workings (or ‘unworkings’) of MLCers?  He offers something without planning how to he can meet all the obligations that will make the said event eventuate.  In other words, ‘responsibility’ and ‘futre planning’ are not in his vocabulary.  Kids do this.  Sigh...

As for you writing to him, sometimes a gal has to unload.  I wonder if he had a long enough concentration span to go beyond the frist few sentences.  By the way, I don’t think you poked a bear.  You poked a lethargic doggie leashed to OW.  Sorry, that’s the image I have...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 11, 2018, 08:09:03 AM
Serenety, you had a really difficult time of it. My H makes out I have all the money, too, as I'm about to post.

Acorn, thanks for getting it, and the description: ....lethargic doggie leashed to OW. So what can one do when one has an H/MLCer like this? I know, I know, nothing, yet surely it's a disaster of a situation. How can it be that there's absolutely nothing to do for him?

So I haven't heard from H which I can only presume means:
1   he hasn't read it yet
2   she deleted it
3   he's avoiding me

He has however, answered D21 who also wrote him a brief email in answer to his statement: get your mother to buy the ticket. She told him he's completely unreliable and has dumped her in the $h!te.

His answer to her was: Mummy has all the money so she should pay for it. I have nothing and Mummy said she doesn't care.

My D's answer to me: He's completely off his head.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on July 11, 2018, 08:25:47 AM
Your D is right.

And yes, sometimes you just have to say FU. Was it a bit long? Was it a bit about other stuff? Yes probably but you needed to say it, so fair enough. What's he going to do...leave you?

If D - and you - do still want the Milan option to work, I guess you could do a follow-up more factual email that says essentially, you are both parents, the Milan option was his solution for your D and it is reasonable to assume that he would fund and organise it as it is from his contacts and knowledge. If he is prepared to do that, D will go. If not, she will simply have to email the boss to apologise and explain why she can't take up his kind offer.

Same principle with S...if he wants to be involved in his son's life as he has said, then this includes both the fun and tedious bits like school requirements as it does for any parent. That tennis is a huge bit of S's life and likely to get bigger, so if he is unable to watch S play that is his choice. And if he is only able to do it if you are not present (and only if this is ok with you Milly and with your S) then you are happy to schedule specific events with h to watch your S but this will include all the normal prep, costs and transport that you currently do for each event. It is entirely up to him to shape the nature of his future relationship with his S.

And perhaps an aside that his current constraints on supporting and seeing his children, or communicating calmly and promptly with you about them, will not objectively look like a father who wants much of an active role in their lives to any legal body, the kids or people whose opinion he may value.

Please feel free to borrow some of my calm FU snottiness, Milly, as you'll see from my recent response to an irritated xh  ;D
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: stillbaffled on July 11, 2018, 08:29:15 AM

He has however, answered D21 who also wrote him a brief email in answer to his statement: get your mother to buy the ticket. She told him he's completely unreliable and has dumped her in the $h!te.

His answer to her was: Mummy has all the money so she should pay for it. I have nothing and Mummy said she doesn't care.

My D's answer to me: He's completely off his head.


Wow!  :o 

Milly, that was just vindictive and cruel to your D.  It's almost like he arranged it for her with the expressed intent of dumping her in a huge pile of crap.   >:(

Will you be able to help D get the others things taken care and set up so that she can do this? 

I'm so sorry you have yet another mess of his to clean up. 

Pretty much a lesson learned for your D that she can't trust him or count on him.   Sending support.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Puzzled on July 11, 2018, 02:42:49 PM
Milly, I'm very happy to read that your eldest daughter, "Switzerland"  ;D , has found her way back to you!

As for your H, it shows how unable MLCers are to pull things though and act responsibly towards their kids.  Thinking about what you heard from your friends in London a while back, i.e. that H is not happy, is sometimes crying, is missing his kids, things are not so rosy with OW, and the financial mess he is in, I'm pretty sure that your H is not enjoying his life.  You have it together, he doesn't. 

I like Treasur's advice of giving your H opportunities to step up as a parent.  Chances are high that he'll fail miserably but then he cannot point the finger at you and say that you don't allow him access to his kids  (i.e. he can "say" a lot, as we know MLCers do but it would obviously not reflect reality in the slightest).

Sending good thoughts to you.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: heroIam on July 11, 2018, 03:35:37 PM
I like Treasur's advice of giving your H opportunities to step up as a parent.  Chances are high that he'll fail miserably but then he cannot point the finger at you and say that you don't allow him access to his kids  (i.e. he can "say" a lot, as we know MLCers do but it would obviously not reflect reality in the slightest).

I agree with the above!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on July 11, 2018, 07:27:59 PM
H monstering, and doing it via D..how sad...wish he would grow up at the very least, I know he can’t, I should be more empathetic, but can’t he see the damage he causes just a little? Hugs Milly, I will always have the upmost of respect for you, try to enjoy the holiday as much as possible x
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: FaithWalker on July 11, 2018, 09:16:49 PM
Milly did you ever get to finish your conversation with your lawyer about how court went?  I know you said you got cut off the other day.  Sounds to me like he is very sore over the outcome of court?  And somehow he has it in his head that you have all this money.  He is not living in reality.

Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 12, 2018, 01:30:13 AM
Thank you for your thoughtfulness, Still, Treasur, Hero, CLG, Faith and Puzzled, I'm still digesting all your advice. I do think how Treasur put it would work for me. I will use it the next time I want to communicate. Faith, I think you may be right, he's still fuming from the court hearing, and no I have not spoken to my L again. I will write to her.

Puzzled, thanks for reminding me of what my friends in London said about my H. Remembering that helps a lot because I don't want him to be happy, and because I do hope that things are beginning to tumble on his life which would mean that he's not stuck. The Switzerland name was funny! I think I'll call my D that from now on!

I have not heard from H. I am organizing train tickets for D21. 

I clearly have too much free time on my hands right now. It's the first time in 4 years where I've had nothing to do all day. I really needed this break but it's causing me to monkey brain as you all can see. I think being extremely busy has been a tool to get me through these years. I have a feeling I'm not fully cooked myself yet so when I get back home, I'll be busying myself up again. At least I can look at it positively and know that it's keeping me from thinking of H.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Milly on July 16, 2018, 07:49:00 AM
Weird day. I took D21 to the station at 5.30am to catch the train to Milan for her work experience at her dad's office. He's not there, he's here unfortunately as I discovered later.

I had a lot of catching up to do because of my two week holiday. Rushed out to the country to get ready for my tasting. Drove down to the village to go to the supermarket to buy water, and who entered but that rotten, nasty, tart of the OW. Oh, my God did my stomach turn and my heart beat out of my throat. Still is.

I was standing in line at the cash till and she walked past me with her sunglasses on so I couldn't see her eyes. But I recognized her immediately. She had on the same skinny cream trousers she had on last summer during the terrible fight in the street. She went straight to the milk counter and filled her basket with something, maybe soy milk.

I checked her out. Her legs are long and skinny and her bum/butt is small but definitely not perky, in fact it looked a little miserable and saggy! bwahahahahah!! She was wearing a sleeveless top tied at the waist. Her long white arms were a little flabby, as they should be when you're 51! Me, my bum was hidden by my flowing summer dress, and my arms are a lovely shade of tan, and nicely creamed up this morning so looking particularly fit! I stared her down. I don't know if she saw me but I'm pretty sure she did because she walked right past me again and pretended to be looking here and there just like she does when she acts in her videos. I was tempted to ask her where my husband was, but I know better than to play with a rat.

I left the supermarket and went to my bank right there. H was in there. He turned as I went through the security doors, probably looking for psychowitch but instead found his wife. I'm pretty sure he texted her to tell her not to come in. Good, I'm glad he got the message.

So of course, I'm all reeled up. What a jerk to bring his b*tc# to my village so that situations like this are likely to occur. I still can't believe that this rotten woman has my husband. I can't stand it.

I had had a couple of email exchanges with H these past few days over helping me with S14. It was useless. I asked him to bring S to the dentist on Wednesday because I have a tasting, and he answered that he's not a taxi service. He said he doesn't have the time or the money for it. I'm paying for the braces!

I realize now that his cold, selfish emails were because she was right there.

I'm going out to dinner with a girlfriend tonight but I really don't feel like it now. I feel like I got hit by a truck.
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 16, 2018, 08:02:55 AM
Quote from: Milly
Acorn, thanks for getting it, and the description: ....lethargic doggie leashed to OW. So what can one do when one has an H/MLCer like this?

Hmmmm... I've heard a Taser works sometimes....
(https://media.giphy.com/media/ssasKSsmULsSQ/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Puzzled on July 16, 2018, 09:17:41 AM
Oh, Milly, I totally get how you must feel, running into ruthless, "30 year old" OW!

She doesn't "have" your H as you knew him but some depressed older man who is lacking in integrity and making one lousy decision after the other.  Maybe with your H potentially getting closer to his D21 because they would work in the same office, she felt that she needed to intervene and come to Italy.  I'm sure she was the driving force to bringing charges against D21 and you, and that didn't end up the way she was hoping.  She may even have been the one writing cold messages in your H's name as to him not being your S's taxi service, and others before (like your SIL not liking you).  From where I stand it looks like she is quite insecure.  Thinking about various MLCers' stories and what they say after their crisis is over, I'm pretty certain that your H doesn't even care much for her.

I hope this knowledge helps you push any negative thoughts aside, dress up, and have a lovely evening with your girlfriend as planned!
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Treasur on July 16, 2018, 09:34:19 AM
Please accept two free punches in the face from here for your h and ow... >:( >:(
I'm sorry, Milly...but petty as it is, I liked the contrast of her anorexic a$$ and pale bingo wings with your tanned gorgeousness x
And your h has now formally won his 'crap father of the month' award too hasn't he with his responses about your D and S? Guess soy milk shrivels the balls...
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: Thunder on July 16, 2018, 10:59:26 AM
Hi Milly, can you please start a new thread?  Thank you.   :)
Title: Re: H superglued to replay,...but something positive happened to ME today!
Post by: CanLetGo on July 16, 2018, 03:50:28 PM
Of course you feel hit by a truck, a very unnerving encounter. I would feel the same even though my headspace is different to yours in general about all this mlc stuff now Milly. You handled it really well. I hope you go/went to dinner, and you enjoy it, do it in spite of them. Disgusting h can’t hrlp with s - do you keep a record of these things in case you need it in court one day, that h doesn’t help/contribute? Take care 😘