Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Praying on May 18, 2018, 01:32:57 AM

Title: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 18, 2018, 01:32:57 AM
My husband of 28 years, who suffered depression and anger outbursts, suddenly left two years ago because he was unhappy with his life, felt that life was passing him by and was bored with our life.  During those two years he kept coming to see me about twice a week although there was no sexual relations between us that whole time.  He indicated he wanted to come home after six months but I said no, because I could not see any change to his unhappiness and anger issues.   I indicated I thought we could not live together again...a comment I am regretting immensely. 

He then started taking antidepressants six months ago and I noticed a happy change to his demeanour and angry outbursts.  In March I asked him to come home but he then told me he had been seeing someone for two weeks and he wanted to pursue that relationship, and the very next day told me he doesn’t want to see me anymore and to sort out a financial separation.  In the following month, he  bought a motorbike, severed contact with his family and friends, changed his dress sense, travelled with her to our favourite places, went to places he wouldn’t take me, and spent a fortune on her.  I found out she is his first girlfriend.  Completely opposite me in looks, personality and style.  We were married 28 years ago.

I am filled with immense remorse that I did not let him come home when he first asked, and feel that this permanent separation is all my fault.  However, I love my husband and want him to come home to me.

Have I left things too late?  I’ve emailed him on four occasions...because he won’t take my calls...telling him how very much I love him and miss him and want him to come home.  But no replies.

I have looked at threads here and am unsure if I should now just have no contact with him at all... because, won’t that mean that he will think I no longer care about him... or do I keep sending him messages saying I will wait for him.  Do I send him a message saying how sorry I am for my part in his unhappiness.  Because I know I could have done things better in our marriage.

Mutual friends have told me the woman he is with has always been after men with money..which he has...but also, that she is a lovely lady.  So it’s not as if he has gone off with someone who I could despise.  Although, in saying that, she has known from the third week going out with him that I was absolutely desperate to reconcile with him.

I am so lost.  Because I feel he has truly fallen in love with this woman who is giving him everything he’s ever wanted so therefore why would he want to return to me???

Have I lost him forever?  How can I get him to come back to me??  Am I fooling myself???
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: OldPilot on May 18, 2018, 03:22:55 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment

http://coping.us/toolsforhandlingcontrol/developingdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.
Please stay on one thread until that thread reaches 150 posts as it is easier to keep track of that way.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on May 18, 2018, 03:46:51 AM
Praying,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First of all you did nothing wrong.  Please do not blame yourself for any of this.  No apology is necessary.
This would have happened regardless of if he came home or not.  You knew your H was not ready to come home, you made the right choice in telling him no.

He is in a crisis and there is nothing you could have done to fix him or prevent him from finding a ow.  Most of them do.

What you need to do now is protect yourself, financially.  The money he is spending on this woman is marital money.
I would talk to a lawyer and get some information on how to protect your finances.
She may be a gold digger but she has no right to take was in lawfully yours.
If he is talking separating finances, then get legal advice as soon as you can.  You won't be sorry.

I would not tell him you love him anymore, or that you want him to come home, it just pressures him.  He already knows you love him and want him back.  Just leave him alone and only respond if he contacts you.

I'm sorry, I wish I had better advice for you, but once their in this crisis there isn't much you can do to change their mind.

I would advise you to read the articles and stories on here, it will help you understand this midlife crisis better.
It's very hard to go through, but you are not alone.  We are here to support you.

Big Hug

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Chookie on May 18, 2018, 03:52:40 AM
Hi Praying,

Your H is on a journey of his own just now. Nothing you say or do will change his course. He needs to follow his own path to its end, only then is there a chance he might work his way back to you.

I'm so sorry you are here and that you are in so much pain. We all understand the dreadful hurt and confusion you are feeling. OldPilot's post is full of great information, read it over and over.

Please read all of Rollercoaster's articles. They are invaluable. The information will help to calm as well as guide you. Keep posting here and be sure to read others' threads.

For now, be kind to yourself. We are all here for you.

Attaching to your thread.

Chookie  :)


Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Chookie on May 18, 2018, 03:59:50 AM

What you need to do now is protect yourself, financially.  The money he is spending on this woman is marital money.
I would talk to a lawyer and get some information on how to protect your finances.
She may be a gold digger but she has no right to take was in lawfully yours.
If he is talking separating finances, then get legal advice as soon as you can.  You won't be sorry.


Thunder's post came in as I was posting too. This information about your finances is vital. Do not underestimate what they're prepared to do while in crisis. They are not thinking about you and your needs. It is up to you to ensure you are not taken advantage of.

Take care.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 18, 2018, 05:41:36 AM
Thank you all so much. OldPilot, I can’t access the developing detachment link..is there another way I can find that info?
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: OldPilot on May 18, 2018, 06:25:49 AM
Thank you all so much. OldPilot, I can’t access the developing detachment link..is there another way I can find that info?
Thanks for letting me know that the link does not work, I was unaware of this.

The other two links work, let me see what I can find about Mr Messina, we might have something more here on our forum in our own resources.


Here is another resource

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Silver on May 18, 2018, 07:30:07 AM
Hello Praying, just wanted to say welcome, you found the place you needed to find.
I am sorry for your situation but as you are already told, you can stop accusing yourself now. This is not about you though you are the one it hurts the most.

In addition to Thunder's and Chookie's advice I want to remind you that you have to take care of yourself as well. Make sure you get enough sleep, remember to eat, do everyday stuff as always before, live your life though it is full of pain atm. If you have good friends or family members to talk with, please do. Write here. Don't hesitate to get professional help if it feels necessary.
Like all of us, you will get this, it is a long and tough road but you are not alone on it.

Keep posting my friend.



Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Schratz66 on May 18, 2018, 08:39:33 AM
Hello praying,
I am sorry you are here, but am glad that you found us.
We've all worried that if we don't tell them how will they know we still love them.
You have told him, he knows now - now you have to let him go.
It's incredibly hard, but we have to let them make their own choices. That is not to say that he will never return. Nobody knows what happens or doesn't happen down the road.
Do not blame yourself for not allowing him back home - I don't think it makes a difference in the big picture.
I miss my H more than I can say, and I want to contact him daily to ask if he is still with OW, how he is doing, etc.....
However, I have left him alone since BD (11 months ago). He has contacted me a couple of times and I always respond, but I do not initiate contact.
You cannot force him to want to come back - it has to come from him.
Just try to live your life, make sure your finances are not being messed with and focus on you.

We are here for you. Post as much as you need.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 18, 2018, 10:45:28 AM
I can’t believe how much reading all your words has helped my current state of mind. 

I’m 59 and feel like my life is over, I’ve lost 12 kilos in three months, can’t sleep, constantly feel empty in the pit of my stomach and soul, and so stunned by who this person is who was my husband.  I can’t sleep . am typing this at 2:00 am...tried sleeping pills but they just make me feel groggy the next day for work and counselling but that has not helped ease the reality of my situation. 

A saving grace is the support I have received from not only my family but his, and all his friends bar one ..who he deliberately alienated over the last two years.

Taking on board all your advice, he asked me to separate our finances only days after he told me he never wanted to see me again.  But for someone so keen to do this, he has had his part of the paperwork for six weeks but has still not acted upon it.

Do I chase him up on settling our financial situation or wait on him?  If I chase him won’t I look like I want this separation?

Thank you all so much.  I have to remember that your kind and sage advice is coming from your own vacuum of pain, which makes your efforts in helping me even more appreciated.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Schratz66 on May 18, 2018, 11:27:59 AM
Praying - I am 52 and our lives are not over.
I, too lost a bunch of weight right after BD.
11 months in I am starting to sleep better again, but still haven't slept a full night through.
It's all normal reactions from your body after having had a huge shock to our systems.
Think about it - our whole world as we knew it exploded and we are looking at the bits and pieces we can grasp and pick up to go on.

Be kind to yourself and your body, which will heal on it's own schedule.
As far as the financial settlement - I assume since you have been separated fro two years that you have your own accounts and this is just shared marital property that he wants to settle on. In that case I would take my cues from him. Now, if you do not have your own financial means than just to be on the safe side I would mention it to him.

All of our advice comes from having been where you are and having felt the pain and betrayal and denial.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: DianaDeBelflor on May 18, 2018, 11:37:29 AM
Praying, I'm sorry you are here. No one wants to be here.

I have little to add to what Thunder said, only this:

Many people have pointed out to me that I am 28 and advised me based on my age. I'll do the same. You are 59. Your life is not over. Your sex life is not over. BUT! If you allow his spending to impact your financial security, there is not much time to fix or reverse the damage. I don't know your financial situation, but if he can clear out joint retirement savings to impress this woman, where will that leave you?

Contacting him about finances is neither chasing nor pushing away. It's kitchen table talk. Whether you need to have it with him depends on several factors.

1. If your money is separate and he is blowing his money--let him. He made his own bed and he can lay in it.

2. If your money is joint and he is spending like a madman, then you need to take any and all measures to make it stop.

Again, I don't know your situation. But whatever happens to your relationship, you cannot allow him to ruin the rest of your life. He makes his choices and he should be the only one paying for them.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Milly on May 18, 2018, 04:30:27 PM
Praying, firstly, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this place. Like everyone tells you, this is a safe place for you. We know what you're going through, we've been through it, and some are in exactly your same place right now so you will have much in common.

Just the fact that you found this site shows that you are going to get better, you are going to be ok. You are going to find some of your best friends for life right here.

Your H already knows you love him. It was good you told him, but now stop. When we are kind to them, they just feel worse about what they are doing and run more. It's a catch 22, because they must go away from us if there is any chance for them to work through their issues.

We are advised to be kind at first and you've done just that so you have done good. Now, sadly, you must let him go through this on his own. He should have gone through this when he was a kid but for whatever reason he didn't. If you rescue him, as many of us did for years during our marriage, we are just enabling them to avoid their issues. We would be delaying the inevitable. Your H is now in a major crisis for no fault of yours. He now has to find his way through it all by himself.

You did very well by not taking your H back. He was not fully cooked, a term you'll see we use here. Many LBS here have taken their Hs back only to have them leave and devastate the family all over again, actually worse.

It hurt I'm sure to say no to him. I did the same and wondered for so long whether that had been my one and only opportunity. But you know, I would not have wanted to have my H back, living with me, and going out to be with his OW. Nearly all of them have an OW. If yours does, as horrific as that feels to you, it would only confirm that your H is having a MLC. All normal.

I would say you have done everything right so far, been kind to your H, told him he couldn't come back, found this site, and are now asking for advise from those who are ahead in their journey before you act.

As you read all our threads, you'll find we all ask the same questions as you. We all cycle. We are pretty good for a couple of days and then just a little thing from our Hs make us down and crazy (monkey braining), even those of us who are at if for several years! Don't let that discourage you, we might still want our Hs, but we are so much stronger. We will help you through this.

Your pain, your lack of sleep is all normal. I had one of the sweetest posters on here sending me a pm at 2am when she saw I was posting, telling me to go to bed. We watch out for each other. Think of the weight loss as one of the gifts.

Praying, learn everything you can about this crisis and listen to those who are ahead of you. Don't beat yourself up if you make 'mistakes,' we all have, it's how we learn.
A big hug to you,
Millyxxxxx
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: OldPilot on May 19, 2018, 01:55:35 AM
Here is the link that will now be in my welcome post

http://coping.us/toolsforhandlingcontrol/developingdetachment.html
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on May 19, 2018, 05:57:28 AM
Praying, you can usually get a financial settlement without filing for a divorce.

It will just keep you safe, financially.  He is already showing signs of too much spending.

You could just tell him you want to feel financially safe so that's why you need it done.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: OneHotMess on May 19, 2018, 09:53:24 AM
So sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances. He sounds like he is definitely in replay and I agree with Thunder. Most important thing to do is protect yourself. My h would do anything for us. After he left, he didn’t care that I had no income coming in and has become very selfish. My point is, you can’t count on what you think they will do. They can change into a complete opposite person then who they were.

Welcome!!!
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: stillbaffled on May 19, 2018, 02:12:53 PM
Welcome, Praying, to a place where you'll find encouragement, wisdom and comfort.   This is a place that helped/is helping us heal, grow and move forward.  I hope you'll find that it does for you as well. 

Keep posting.  One thing I found that really helped me when I first started was to read other people's journeys.  Sending support. 

 
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 21, 2018, 05:44:34 AM
So I’ve been reading through this godsend of a forum and realise I have to have “no contact”...is that right? 

But what do I do when it’s our adult children’s birthdays or similar family events. Can we all go out dinner together?

I am still very close to his family and get invited to all their gatherings.    I would hate for our children to have to see him for one meal and me for another.  So I’m a bit confused with what constitutes “no contact”...can someone help me?

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Treasur on May 21, 2018, 06:03:27 AM
Praying, there are no 'rules' or 'must do's'....everyone finds their own path through this.

The basics? Force yourself to detach enough so you can care more about your needs than his. Do it before you feel it because it will help you think rationally and protect yourself emotionally and practically from the alien who used to be your H who lies and doesn't care much about anyone but himself. Order of priority is you, your kids, supportive friends/family.....then a really big gap before you think about his needs or wishes at all.

NC is rare, but many of us go 'dim' to protect ourselves from monster spew, crazy drama or when contact with them hurts or makes us anxious. Dim is keeping contact as low as possible, practicals only, no emotion from you and be slow to respond if they contact you. You will probably learn with trial and error what works best in your situation.

The magic trick? Before you do anything, ask yourself 'how does this help me right now?'...and if your answer is about him or others, consider not doing it. Sometimes when in doubt, do nothing is a good call for a little while. You can go out to dinner or family events if you and he choose, of course you can....but be really honest with yourself about why you're doing it? Secretly hoping to influence him? Trying to pretend to yourself or others that things are as they were? Frightened what he'll do if you don't? Or what others will think? Be very kind to yourself and recognise just how traumatic this all is to deal with but also that it is as it is and some of it is simply out of your hands and will make no sense. Treat yourself with as much kindness and patience as you would a best friend going through the same thing.

And when you hit the buffers or the dark days as we all do? That's ok, just let it pass, get through the day and know you can always come here for support. You will get through this. praying, even when you think you won't please keep faith that you will. Your life is not over but it is different now, and that's really hard I know because it happened to you not because of you.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on May 21, 2018, 06:40:12 AM
Praying,

Going NC is almost impossibly when you have kids you share.  Dim or Dark is best.  Less contact the better.
As far as the birthday get togethers, go if you want, don't go if you feel uncomfortable, it will make no difference with your MLCer.

So do want is right for YOU.  You don't need to sit with him, or even talk to him if you don't want to. 

Most of the time NC is used of you are being abused physically or emotionally.  It's to protect yourself..and again it will make no difference with his MLC.

This is about you now and your healing.  He has to fix and heal himself.
Title: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 23, 2018, 01:01:17 AM
So now more confused than ever.

Since the BD and moving in with the other woman...who is his first girlfriend...my husband of 30 years has changed his fashion sense, grown his hair, bought a motorbike, gone to cafes and restaurants he would never have gone to, socialised with  strangers which he would normally not do, spent a fortune on travel and gifts for her, taken her to all our “special” places, started taking body sculpting supplements, cut off contact with all his old friends, does not want to see me at all, alienated his parents and rarely sees his sons.  All symptoms I thought of a mid life crisis.

However today we had to talk about finances and, after some prodding by me he opened up to me.  Telling me that during the time he walked out on me she made contact with him.  Telling me that he’d never gotten over this old girlfriend, had always thought about her during our marriage and that she is as special to him now as she was 35 years ago.  And that he loves her.  (By the way, in our 30 years of marriage he never ever said those words to me unless he was responding to me saying them first).

So perhaps I am misreading the whole situation and it’s not a mid life crisis but just a man who married the wrong woman!!!

Am I “standing” to no avail?

Maybe the only person with a crisis here is me!

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 23, 2018, 02:50:26 AM
Oh!  Sounds like he has gotten a hold of his VERY own personal copy of "How to Have a Mid-Life Crisis."

This is 100% script..... After all, one stays married to the wrong person for 30 firetrucking YEARS and has kids because they don't "really" love them.... One totally changes their look, their friends, their entire lifestyle in the blink of an eye because they were ALWAYS stifled....

Excuse me while I call the
(https://media.giphy.com/media/1YY2WXMdSWU2Q/giphy.gif)

Praying, this is pure script..... and 100% MLC-speak....

He's found his SCHMOOPIE again and they are so  in "Luuurrrvvvvveeeeee"  Right now, his entire world is one of self-gratification, puppy dogs, cotton candy clouds and unicorns that run around farting glittery rainbows...

His "opening up" was his way of getting you to QUIT prodding...  Just ask yourself this... If this chickie was SO freaking special to him, why didn't he marry her 35 years ago? Where has she been lurking all the time in between? Why is she still available? And "he loves her." No, he loves getting his weenie tingled... nothing more....

She is a SYMPTOM of his crisis and nothing else. If it wasn't her, it would have been some other former gf or some other woman.... She just happens to be a convenient excuse....

Let me ask YOU a question? Why do YOU think you are standing? Is it because you are waiting for him to get his head out of his ..... fog... and come back? If that is it, sorry, wrong answer. You will be waiting a LONG time.... This is time that you have been given to take a look at your life, at your needs, and rediscover the person that you really are, the person that has been pushed aside in favor of the Mid-Lifer.  this is YOUR time to grow forward, do the mirror work you have been given to do, to heal, to grow. 

You have ZERO control over him or his crisis, how bad it will be, how long it will last.  It is like standing outside in front of a tornado, waving your arms and yelling at it and expecting it to go away!  You will get sucked into the vortex, chewed up and spit out the other side.

You DO have TOTAL and ABSOLUTE control over how you react/respond to it, how YOUR emotional well-being is taken into account by you. In other words, you have this time to get yourself into your storm cellar, batten down the hatches, let the storm pass you by, then return, survey the aftermath and begin to regroup, rebuild.... But then you rebuild as YOU want to see it happen....

By the way, the "Is this really MLC?"  is also a question every single one of us has asked and will continue to ask at various times in our journey...

Going back a couple of posts to a question you asked - despite the promotion of NC by some here, it is really the atomic bomb of the MLC world. No Contact is used when a Mid-Lifer is abusive, either physically or emotionally to the point where your well-being is threatened. If you have kids, it is virtually impossible because you will STILL need to have contact regarding them, unless your Mid-Lifer totally abandons them (in which case, NC is due to the fact that they have vanished and is different than the definition used by RCR.  NC is really just that NO direct contact... period... at all... in any form.... It usually means that everything has to go over lawyers or other third party intermediaries.

Going Dim or even dark is probably more appropriate, depending on you. Since you are having financial discussion, etc., you are probably looking more towards the Dim side where either of you may initiate contact regarding financials of kids issues and you may respond to other communications as you see fit. Dark is one step lower where communications other than business or the kids are not responded to at all... Bare minimum contact to ensure that the processes put into motion are completed in a timely manner but nothing more...
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 23, 2018, 03:01:46 AM
UrsaMajor..thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You are all wonderful on this forum. 
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Treasur on May 23, 2018, 03:26:51 AM
One of the best descriptions from UM of the reality of the LBS journey, I think. We all doubt if it is MLC, Praying, and struggle to see what was/is real through the bewildering confusion of the change in someone we knew and loved. And UM is right too that battening down the hatches to protect yourself from someone else' crisis also gives you time to build your own strength to make a new life because, whatever happens - and the script is predictable but the outcome unknown - the sad truth is that there is no going back, only forwards.

The kind of contact you have is a balance between what needs to be done, your emotional needs and how extreme their behaviour is. You will cycle, you will have good days and not so good days, but you will get to the other side step by step, Praying, and we will all walk forward together as you do. x
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Helpingme! on May 23, 2018, 03:58:52 AM
Praying
I will say ur H saying he has wanted old GF
for 30 years is TOTAL BS!!!!
Now,  I'll stop explaining. Praying go back and read UMs post, and then print it out. That is a good one UM. 
Hang in there Praying
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Schratz66 on May 23, 2018, 06:09:53 AM
Praying,

My H was contacted by his High School Sweetheart from 32 years ago. He said he was crazy in love with her then and loves her now, but isn't sure if she is long lasting love like we were.

A lot of these MLC go back in time and old gf or bf - it's a chance to rewrite history - how would their life (that turned out so horrible in their eyes) have been different if only........

Your H is MLC, but we all have questioned it and always will. What I did learn in 11 months is that it really doesn't matter what it is or what we call it. It still sucks, it's unbelievable that these are people we were married to for eons and it blows your entire existence to pieces.

Is there a point in your standing ? Like Ursa (my hero) said - you cannot 'stand' in hope of him coming back, because that will put your life on hold for possibly nothing.

I hate it as much as you do, but we have to just regroup and live our lives. If they come back down the road, great, but if they don't we still have to live.



Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on May 23, 2018, 06:34:49 AM
Praying, please reread UM's post, it is spot on!

What you had together was REAL, your love was REAL, those 30 years were REAL.
What he has now is fantasy and delusional, it's not real.  Not even close.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: RedStar on May 23, 2018, 07:04:36 AM
A lot of these MLC go back in time and old gf or bf - it's a chance to rewrite history - how would their life (that turned out so horrible in their eyes) have been different if only........

Schratz is right on here.

My MLCer isn't involved with his HS girlfriend, but one day around BD, he listed her as one of the two people he was ever really in love with--the other was someone else whom he describes as turning out to be a pack of lies and whom he now hates. (That's right, I am not on the list. That's why he married me, right?  ::) Sure.) I mentally added to this list his current EA target. And what is the sum?

100% FANTASY.

That is what these 3 women have in common.

It is the one REAL person, the REAL love, that he can't handle in his crisis of regression and self-hate. You represent the real love in his life. And he can't handle the truth!
Title: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 23, 2018, 03:53:46 PM
Thank you all.

You have provided great wisdom and insight regarding my situation.

Although I am devastated, broken, can’t stop crying and still love my husband, after listening to your words and scouring this great site each day, my instincts are now telling me NOT to stand ... I see from posts on this forum that this whole gut-wrenching, soul destroying MLC process can take years (!!!!) and does not list many situations where an MLC husband has returned.

I will not stand.  At 57 I need to do as you all suggest ... find a new me.  Find a new life. 

The thought of being alone without the man I love crumples my resolve, so I need to remind myself of all the posts I’ve read here that talk of standing for many years, through total anguish and despair.

If I was younger I would wait for him but not at my age. 

So, as trite as it sounds... the only way from here is up.

I will give myself each month before I repost how I’m going.

Again, Thank you all so very much.  So much. Xxx
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on May 31, 2018, 04:09:41 AM
Today I dropped off some financial paperwork to my husband. 

Since the BD I have been constantly imploring him to remain friends, that I can deal with him loving this new woman, but that I wanted to see him for a coffee once a month to maintain an easier relationship for our sons. 

All my pleas fell on deaf ears as he said “she” didn’t want him to have any contact with me. 
However he said “we are still friends and I will see you at “family” events” eg birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc.
But I don’t see that as a fair friendship.

So as I handed him the papers I said, without malice, that “well your girlfriend has now got what she wanted all along, that you and I are now no longer even friends.”

“But we are still seeing each other at family events”, he shot back.

“No, I don’t think so”, I said.

He just glared and angrily spat out “FINE!”.  Then silence.

I turned and left without another word.

But...how can he be angry at me when no contact with me is what he’s told me he wanted all along???

Anyway, I can’t see myself being in his presence or contacting him for any reason for quite some months, perhaps not even until Christmas when there will be our annual family lunch at his parents (who I love and are supporting me completely)....I hope this extended no-contact is the right way to go.

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on May 31, 2018, 04:20:16 AM
Yay you!

Perfect!  Now he knows it's YOU choosing to not be friends.  Good for you and well done.

Now just get on with your life, Praying.   :)
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Whyus on May 31, 2018, 05:50:11 AM
He would have been angry no matter what you said. Your the life destroying demon who got him into this mess in the fiest place  ;D...

Im (very) glad that you have Chosen to live your life, just dont rush into anything or force anything..
Good luck.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: KeepItTogether on May 31, 2018, 11:10:56 AM
Praying—I just caught up with your story. Your H would have been angry at any response you gave him. Bc he’s just angry in general. He wants his cake and eat it too!

OW putting the pressure on him to not see you or be friends is a giid indicator as to where they are emotionally. If she were confident in the R, she wouldn’t care. So that stress is just good karma I say.

You are doing great—taking the bull by the horns. You’ve actually given me a few things to think about myself, and I’ve been at this for 2 years as well.

Here for you on your journey. You’re off to a great start.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on June 06, 2018, 01:08:43 AM
My husband messaged me yesterday just letting me know he had dropped some papers to the Family Court.  I did not acknowledge the text.  BUT...bloody hell, I can’t stop crying.  Cried myself to sleep, woke at 3am and cried for another hour, then trying to hold tears in all day at work.

I want to stop “living in my head” whereby I secretly hope for some sort of miraculous reconciliation!  I know this will never be the case...he is totally in love with this woman who he has pined for all these years.  From people who know her, they’ve told me she’s beautiful, talented, fun, smart and outgoing.  She will be giving him all the sex and attention he wants.  They will be together forever.

So I need to accept my life with him is over.  I’ve made the decision not to have any contact with him...but I just don’t know how to move on...I’m so lonely...I feel so betrayed, so hurt, so lost.  I live alone and the weekends are just terrible.  My friends tell me to join book clubs, dance groups etc but I’m not interested.  I just want to get into a mixed male female group and socialise but everything seems to be geared towards “dating” groups. 

I am floundering.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on June 06, 2018, 03:31:22 AM
Praying, I am so sorry this is happening.  I remember how awful it felt for my H to file papers.  It was a low point in my life, as I'm sure it is for you right now. 

I just want to say, it DOES NOT matter how beautiful or talented this ow is, she is STILL an affair down.  There is stills something broken in her that she would lower herself to get involved with a married man.  You are a much better person that she is any day of the week.
You need to remember they do not pick women because of their beauty or for sex, they choose them because they were available and willing.  She could have been anybody.  If she were gone tomorrow he would find another broken woman.

Praying, try to stay calm.  Cry all you want, get it out.  That is a very human response to pain.

Just come here and talk to us, most of us have gone through this too. 

Have you talked to a lawyer?  I'm sorry I don't remember if you did, but it's important you have legal counsel on your side right now.  Things will not happen over night.

Sending you love and strength.
{{Big Hug}}
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on June 07, 2018, 05:29:34 PM
Thunder, yes a financial separation is currently with the Courts and a final sign off will take about a month.  This will see me keep our family home, thank God, and sever all financial ties between us.

I have one more request for advice...I have made the decision to detach and have no physical contact anymore...that is, no longer see him at any family events, birthdays etc....but when my husband texted me to say “Hi, I have dropped the papers to the Court” should I have acknowledged that text?

Before he sent that text, I had told him that, as he no longer wishes to even see me as a friend, I don’t want to see him again.  However, I would not normally completely ignore anyone’s text to me without some sort of reply.  But I don’t want to appear to be renegging on my decision to stand firm against his decision to cut me out of his life.

So, do I respond to any future texts ...which will probably only relate to the legal papers going through?  Do I respond to any possible invite to me to attend a birthday dinner with our adult son?  Do I ignore them all without reply or just reply Yes, No?

Again, even though I want to break contact because it’s just too hard on me emotionally, I don’t know if not replying to his texts will just make it easier for him to wipe me TOTALLY from his life.

Title: Do I respond to texts?
Post by: Praying on June 08, 2018, 04:43:45 AM
I also don’t know what type of MLCer he is..apart from the fact he is frenetically going out, doing things he’s never done before, socialising, dining out constantly, changing his clothes and style, new bike, new woman etc etc, is he a vanisher, because the only contact he wants with me is in relation to finances.
Title: Re: Do I respond to texts?
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 08, 2018, 04:56:24 AM
I also don’t know what type of MLCer he is..apart from the fact he is frenetically going out, doing things he’s never done before, socialising, dining out constantly, changing his clothes and style, new bike, new woman etc etc, is he a vanisher, because the only contact he wants with me is in relation to finances.

He is, from all descriptions, in High Energy Replay at the moment...

The "type" refers to a contact style and, if he ONLY initiates contact when he wants to talk financials, he could be a Vanisher but you are still so early on int he process that his type can't really be fixed at the moment. My STBXW did similar stuff until she was in her own flat and then turned out to be a Wallower...

However, IT DOESN'T matter what type they are because they are on their own journey.  The only reason that it is good to know their "type" is because it allows you a bit of insight in what you need to do to protect yourself from their nonsense... If they disappear, it is easier to detach and get a life because there is no one checking on you... If they are clingers, it is MUCH more difiicult because they are always around...
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on June 08, 2018, 05:54:28 AM
Praying,

I would have just responded with.."Ok thank you."  Nothing more.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on June 16, 2018, 05:43:33 PM
A reminder, my husband left me for his first girlfriend. Lives with her, happy as Larry, enjoying his new life, and everything he’s done since has worked out, new woman, new look, new job, new motorbike, lots of travel, eating out, holidays, gifts, new life.  We have adult children, who he now rarely sees.  He has dropped all his previous friends and has limited contact with his parents.

I asked to maintain a friendship with him, for the sake of our kids, and also because we were once best friends, and see him once a month which he was prepared to do until the OW said no, so he told me that seeing me at family events was sufficient.  From what I’ve been advised,  he is virtually a high energy replayer and has with very limited contact wth us.

I received a group text sent to me and the children from my H yesterday regarding our sons birthday  “Do you want to meet up for xxx birthday?”

As I am desperate to reconcile I am unsure if my response should be as close to no contact as possible or if I should give him that feeling that I can always be contacted should he so wish.

Based on all what I’ve said in my previous posts, which of the following replies do you think I should send?

1.  “Hi, I hope all is well with you.  Let me know if you ever change your mind about being true friends and meeting regularly.  But, for now, I won’t be seeing you.”

Or

2.  “Thanks, but I won’t be coming.”

I just want to make sure, that how ever many years this takes, he will know that I am willing to connect if he is willing to take that step.  But at the same time, I don’t want to see him until then.

So confused.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Ausgatorgirl on June 16, 2018, 06:35:15 PM
I’m no expert but maybe

“Thanks for your kind offer but I have made other plans”.

?

Sounds like he is cake eater, he has left your family, you are no longer wife.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Thunder on June 17, 2018, 04:07:10 AM
I agree.

Just a simple msg back is sufficient.  No, you are not interested.

Maybe some day down the road you can be friends again, but honestly Praying he is no ones friend right now.  Not even his own.
Just leave him be.  If he texts you and it's important a short response is good.  If it is nothing that need attention, ignore it...or wait a few days before you respond.

Try to remember this crisis takes a long time.  Nothing is going to happen anytime soon, so go on and enjoy your life as much as you can.  Let him twist in the wind.
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 18, 2018, 05:00:46 AM
"Thanks. I already have plans though."

Nothing more needs to be said.....

Praying, I understand that you are really desperate for reconciliation but that is NOT going to happen in the near term, if it ever happens... this is an ultra-marathon through the mud and not a sprint to the finish.  So, that being said, the main thing to focus on is NOT reconciling but on Praying... What does Praying want in her life (besides her Mid-Lifer)? What hobbies does she have, what does she enjoy doing?   

Once you start to find the answers to these question, you can start to heal and rediscover the parts ofyou that have been neglected for a while....

Taking care of Praying is the way that leads to a happy and healthy future...

Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on June 18, 2018, 05:45:04 AM
Thanks all.  Yes, my desperation is clouding my judgement...And that’s why I need you... to remind me not to beg but to concentrate on ‘repairing’ the me that has become so very, very broken.

“Thanks but I already have plans” it is!
Title: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on August 16, 2018, 03:35:25 PM
Here I stand (stand, not “standing”!) ....strong and happy!

So, my update...
I sat at home for months and cried and wailed and sobbed and never went out other than to work... then I realised that nothing changes until something changes. So I ..

Started swimming lessons.
Started golf lessons.
Started learning a new language.
Joined the gymn.
Stopped sobbing.
Stopped obsessing about why?
Stopped thinking about him with her.
Forced myself to stop thinking about him.
Stopped ALL contact with him.
Arranged and finalised a financial settlement.

And now I’m smiling more each week.  I’m socialising.
Haven’t had contact with him since May and find this is best for me.  He has contacted his sons twice in six months and his parents twice.
I don’t hate him, but best of all, for me at least, I find that I don’t love him anymore.

I’m moving on with my life.

Thanks so much for all your support.
Title: UPDATE He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Praying on August 16, 2018, 09:05:19 PM
And my original tag ended with “do I keep telling him I love him”.
So now I know the answer to that!
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Whyus on August 16, 2018, 11:46:10 PM
Lovely update Praying. You go Girl, you can do whatever you want to do now. ist his loss not yours. It sounds like you will be just fine.
Not all LBS success stories are about reconciliation, most are about surviving and living a full life which you enjoy. You seem to be doing that, your H will hate it when he finds out but that is not your Problem!
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 17, 2018, 02:15:24 AM
Not all LBS success stories are about reconciliation, most are about surviving and living a full life which you enjoy. You seem to be doing that, your H will hate it when he finds out but that is not your Problem!

In fact, very few LBS success stories are about reconciliation if the truth be told... a few are, some are about reconnection at least but the majority end up "and the LBS created a new life for themselves and lived happily ever after while the Mid-Lifer just kept doing the same old $#!t and wondered why it wasn't working."

the fact that he has contacted his parents and his kids once a quarter says he is still DEEP in the tunnel and at least into Escape and Avoid....
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Treasur on August 17, 2018, 03:14:56 AM

"and the LBS created a new life for themselves and lived happily ever after while the Mid-Lifer just kept doing the same old $#!t and wondered why it wasn't working."


there should be a fairy-tale like GIF for that, UM  :)
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 17, 2018, 03:31:49 AM

"and the LBS created a new life for themselves and lived happily ever after while the Mid-Lifer just kept doing the same old $#!t and wondered why it wasn't working."


there should be a fairy-tale like GIF for that, UM  :)

OK, since you tossed the gauntlet down...

LBS: (https://media.giphy.com/media/jIE6NhHE1QJvq/giphy.gif)

Mid-Lifer (https://media.giphy.com/media/8j9O1qPPZvZV6/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/fe0GesvzubG6gtK0wZ/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/31WWMSeSBds26Mawle/giphy.gif)(https://media.giphy.com/media/qAMwROW8G3zTq/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Treasur on August 17, 2018, 03:38:07 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: Whyus on August 17, 2018, 03:50:03 AM
And thats all Folks  ;D
Title: Re: He left 2 years ago but kept seeing me, now BD. Do I keep telling him I love him
Post by: in it on August 17, 2018, 06:19:01 AM
Gotta love it! You go girl  :)