Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Believer on May 22, 2018, 01:01:35 PM

Title: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on May 22, 2018, 01:01:35 PM
Hi everyone ! It’s been few of years since I’ve last posted. I thought I’d pop in, share an update and just see how everyone is.

My bomb drop was November 2009. I like many struggled to understand and detach - certainly did more things incorrectly than I should have. Did I hurt us or delay his movement most likely although who really knows.
My problem is I’m a fixer and silly me believed I could help. Lesson to all newbies….this is his/her crisis you can’t fix it for them!!

H filed for divorce last year. I had lots going on with work and asked to put it on hold. After all it had been over 7 years and three previous attempts to settle finances in which each time he left without completing it crying and saying he was nothing but a jerk to me. However, because “ he had to move on” the divorce had to be done now.
Btw I was shocked by the debt he had accumulated, he had always been very responsible with our finances !!! and D24 had been with me the entire time !!
Oh and something else I learned apparently I kicked him out and identified what he could have from our possessions.  Hmm.. I reminded him that he in fact was the one who had moved out - into his brother’s, OW surfaced and he had said he was never returning.  A year later I asked him if he wasn’t coming home to pick up his clothes etc. and I divided our belongings - (printed out a list to which he thanked me for being so fair and generous). I was tired of looking at all his things. No honey, I didn’t throw you out  you left and rewrote that part …

He was only focused on himself and what was best for him in the settlement. It didn’t matter what I had contributed etc.- as he said he was getting the best deal he could for himself.

He is still with the OW - spends 5 hours most weekends commuting to her place to be with her and her kids.

D24 has not met OW and her kids.

exH continues to live with his brother’s family throughout - has not yet got his own apt. or house.

Remains distant from our D24 - exH cried at Christmas when she said she didn’t want to spend her birthday a few days later with him. Her comment was you don’t get to cry about this- you created this.

Apparently, continues to dress younger than his years

Has continued with his second job- financially he doesn’t require a second job so I can only guess he uses it as a distraction. His debt was certainly covered in the settlement.

Apparently, he has taken up cycling long distance races of 100K + and is on an extreme healthy eating regime

He doesn’t connect with me at all. I touch in periodically to see whether “he’s still cooking”

I have a wonderful relationship with ex MIL. I spend time with her weekly. 

I recently touched in with exH to let him know the parent of our closest friend passed away. He responded with reference that had I not told him he’s sure he wouldn’t have been informed. He has lost touch with friends and a few months back told me he has no friends ??

Do I think he’s still in a MLC? I think I do, perhaps he’s even stuck. Maybe he will never reconnect with his D or his previous life.  Maybe this is how he will be forever.

As for me, I’m busy  working on things for me. I managed to buy the house in the settlement. I wanted D to still feel her home was still hers until she left to get married.

D24 and I get along well and she thanks me for always being there for her.

Unfortunately, I lost my job after 28 years last fall. They decided to redesign the leadership team and I was no longer required. I’m using this time to look at other career opportunities. I figure if I can go through MLC and divorce then I can certainly cope with losing my job.
BTW because H and I work at the same business I did give him warning of the announcement. He was and remains furious about it - can’t believe it happened. Protector all of a sudden blah blah blah…

I expect I’ll likely sell my home next year for something smaller and more affordable. ExH responded - that makes me uncomfortable that someone else will be in our home… ??? our home pretty sure I bought it from you.

I’m enjoying time working on crafts and hobbies, volunteering with an animal rescue and having fun with a couple of my girlfriends who have been the most amazing supporters through all of this.

I’m not dating or even interested in it. I’m content to be on my own - which has been my greatest development in all of this. 

I still stand - perhaps that’s foolish on my behalf given how long it has been. However I still have feelings for my exH and believe that he may still come out of this a better man.
In the meantime I have to remain focused on me rather than him.
Which surprisingly I still have to remind myself to do even now after all the years. Yep I’m still a work in progress :-)

Hugs to all and I hope that my post provides information that is helpful to others.

Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on May 22, 2018, 05:36:55 PM
Believer!!! I have also popped in just to see what's up. I am delighted to hear your update. You sound well, except for the job part. I hope you can find something soon that you love. And you are certainly keeping busy. Are you painting at all? I still take my art class, although my teacher is 91 now and I am not sure how much longer he will give lessons. I have been with him for 20 years now.

Quote
He is still with the OW - spends 5 hours most weekends commuting to her place to be with her and her kids.

Incredible how they jettison their own family and take on the Affair Partner's. Mine is also still with the same OW. Although, xH lives in his own condo. I give you a lot of credit for still keeping the door open. I closed it on xH 5 years ago.

I do have a wonderful man in my life. We've been together for 5 years. When I met him, I was still hoping to reconcile, but xH wants no part of me. I haven't seen him since our D's wedding almost 2 years ago. I think he is stuck in the tunnel. I don't see him ever making any real progress. And my kids all tell me that the OW is just mean to him. I guess I should have been a B!tch to him and we'd still be together. LOL

Quote
Remains distant from our D24 - exH cried at Christmas when she said she didn’t want to spend her birthday a few days later with him. Her comment was you don’t get to cry about this- you created this.

The kids are very black and white with their judgments. I think that was a great Truth Dart she hit him with. He is going to have to do a lot of work to get back in her good graces. Hopefully, he will do the work.

Quote
Apparently, he has taken up cycling long distance races of 100K + and is on an extreme healthy eating regime

Mine also goes to the gym A LOT. My D34 (she works for him) says sometimes he goes twice a day. That's where he met OW. She's a spin instructor, if you recall. I don't think xH eats very much. He's way thinner than when he was with me. He thinks it's great that he can fit size small shirts. He used to have the most beautiful broad shoulders. Not anymore.

I hope you keep working on yourself. This has been the greatest adventure for getting to know ourselves better.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Thunder on May 23, 2018, 07:46:43 AM
Hi Believer,

I missed your post.

It's quite incredible how very long some of these crisis last, isn't it?  Wow, 2009 and he's still stuck.   ::)

You sound good though.  I'm glad you got the house in the settlement.  Now you have something to buy yourself another, smaller house. 

Keep us posted on how things go.  It's nice to hear updates from "old timers."   :)
Thanks for writing.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Mitzpah on May 23, 2018, 08:09:10 AM
Hi Believer,

It is lovely to hear from you.

I am still around. I have been divorced for over three years now, yet nothing seems to change much.

I still stand.

My 3 kids are doing reasonably well, they are all at university now but living at home with me as is the custom here in Brazil. I currently have s26's gf living with us too, which is ok - she is as quiet as a mouse and seems to keep s26 in line :P

Financial difficulties continue but I am in a much better place than I was. H. still comes round to to see the kids when he can (is allowed, I think). He is avoiding me like the plague at the moment, other times he will communicate nicely with me and is affectionate and friendly, as I am with him.

I would love to go and live somewhere smaller and cheaper but I guess that will only be when I have sorted this complicated house out legally (nothing to do with h. or MLC) and the kids have moved out - no sign of that yet ::)

Good to see you!

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on May 23, 2018, 06:22:53 PM
Hi Thunder,

So good to hear from you.

Yes, thank goodness I was able to get the house. It does offer some cushion to be able to get something smaller. 

Yep, 2009 and still stuck. At times, I get frustrated that his brother continues to let him live there. I say push him out of the nest and let him grow up. Oh well not much I can control about that.
Something that does drive me crazy is that xH has always promised D24 since the start that once he gets his own house she can come visit. He tells her  it's not right that he has her stay with him now because its not his house. I shake my head and say no but it's her aunt and uncle's and they've invited her to come anytime she wants... Again just more craziness.

I hope all is well for you. I'll have to spend some time catching up on posts :-)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on May 23, 2018, 06:23:47 PM
Hi Learning,

Yes, I’m still painting. I absolutely love it. In fact this summer I’ve decided to not worry about getting a job but rather simply enjoy the time off which includes taking my easel outside in the sunshine.
That’s amazing you’ve had your teacher for 20 years, clearly he loves teaching to still be doing it at 91 !!

It’s very sad that your xH is still off doing his own thing and doesn’t seem to have any interest in you. What a foolish man !
I am happy that you’re still with your wonderful gentleman and life is treating you well. You deserve that most of all.

I was proud of D24’s truth dart to her father. As much as I hope it gave him something to think about. He probably would spin it that she was being very rude to him.
As much as I’ve learned about MLC I still struggle with how much they remove themselves from their child’s life. Just blows me out of the water !

I chuckle about their focus on exercise - The odd time he's spoken to me he complains about all his aches and pains, how old he feels, how poor his memory is blah blah blah... Hmmm perhaps if you stopped thinking you were twenty you would feel better !!

Great to hear from you and I hope life continues to bring you much joy and happiness !!!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on May 23, 2018, 06:35:48 PM
Hi Mitzpah,

I’m sorry to hear about the divorce. It’s nice that you still stand though. It’s important to do whatever you feel is best for you.

Love that you have the kids with you and they are doing well. That’s kind of you to have S26’s gf with you as well and an extra bonus she helps keep him in line lol !!

I’m sorry to hear of the financial struggles- it’s such an extra layer of stress. I’m glad it’s improved though.

I hear you about the kids not moving out. I teased my D24 that I was going to start to buy the cheap toilet paper if she didn’t soon move out !! 

Let’s hope that your future has more of him being nice, affectionate and friendly. Goodness knows you’ve been that to him all along !

Hugs and only the best to you !
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on May 25, 2018, 05:44:51 PM
Hi Believer! I hope you have an amazing summer painting. All I want to do is paint and go insane. LOL

I completely agree with you about how sad it is that they let go of their kids. I know mine hurt because of it. I want to say something to him, but they are all adults and they will have to navigate the difficulties on their own.

I think they somehow punish themselves with the exercise. Like they deserve to be in pain. Which they do. I hope your H busts a move and grows up. I don't know how his brother can keep putting up with him. I let my oldest sister come live with me for a year and it was no picnic. I am so relieved she got a place of her own.

Are you on FB? I would love to see some of your paintings.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 05, 2018, 04:51:21 PM
Hi Learning,

I’m with you there is no way I’d let one of my adult siblings live with me any extended length of time.

No, I don’t have a FB page that has anything art related. Do you I’d love to see some of yours if you do !!

Take care,
Believer

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Trustandlove on June 07, 2018, 12:14:19 AM
Hello -- just checking in on a fellow long-timer; I, too, am still here....  my H also took many years to divorce me, my now nearly adult children have nothing to with the latest OW, and so on....   

I, too had some shocks about debt., etc, when the financial process was finally completed, like you say, he kept saying he wanted to do it and then didn't.  That seems to be typical. 

I don't know if he's stuck, I do know that his life isn't rosy, but, as we all know, he will have to work things out for himself. 

So nice to hear that you are doing well; I get it about continuing to stand whilst getting on with and living life!  I'm also living!

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: FaithWalker on June 07, 2018, 01:45:06 PM
Welcome back!  It's nice to hear an update from some Old Timer's, and it looks like in reality it takes these MLCers a long time.  That truth is slowly sinking in with me.

My BD was in Dec of 2015 and the D was final 4 months later.  Pretty sure we're just getting started.  I have very confused emotions on whether to stand or not, but right now I'm just going about my life regardless.

I've made some great friendships from this board, and it has been a life saver.  Despite the pain of BD and going through this storm, I have much that brings me joy in life.   :)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 20, 2018, 05:52:14 PM
Yes, I am on FB and you can see my paintings on my page. I have one more lesson before we break for the summer. It is my joy in life to paint and be with the other students and my teacher. They are a great group. I will PM you my info.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on December 18, 2018, 01:43:18 AM
Hi everyone,

I thought I’d share some recent information about what’s happened....

In early September exH reached out to our D24. He invited her to dinner at a nice restaurant  ???.  I was pleased because I thought perhaps he was wishing to reconnect with her.
In a way he was, however first he wanted D24 to know he was engaged to OW and would be getting married next summer.  Uggh ....however D24 promptly informed him that if he was looking for her to say “Congratulations and I’m happy for you” he wasn’t going to hear it. His response was I guess I didn’t think you would. D24 then informed him that he invited her to dinner because he knew they weren’t getting along so now that he’s had his “Me time” he can sit and hear the truth about why they don’t get along. Suffice to say it was a rapid fire of truth darts which resulted in him crying.

As dinner drew to a close. D24 told her father that it was up to him to tell me he was getting married. She said you burdened me with your secrets before when you were seeing OW and Mom didn’t know - you aren’t doing that to me again. He agreed he needed to be the one to tell me.
Well I only found out about it yesterday from D24. She and I were talking about Christmas plans with her father. Oddly, It was a little tense and after some emotional moments she told me about exH getting married. You could see the weight lift off her once she said it.
I was furious that exH had done this to her again.  She shared that she reminded him that he needed to tell me. She texted her dad right away and in typical style he responded with excuses....

Seriously who plays with their child’s emotions like this....an MLCer of course.

The irony in this new information was that earlier in the day I had sent exH a message even though we hadn’t spoken in almost six months indicating that it would be nice if we could start to communicate about D24 and his Mom. I said D24 has so many exciting things happening that we should be rejoicing together as parents and MIL has health concerns that we can work on. ( I go over weekly to help her with household chores or go with her to appts.)
Hmmm not expecting he’s going to respond to that message anytime soon...and I’m not sure I want to communicate with him given his cowardly behaviour.

As for me this information was a tough blow. I’m not sure how I feel at the moment. There are a lot of emotions that have surfaced as a result.

It was interesting as D24 only recently met the OW when exH hosted Thanksgiving dinner, which coincidently was on our wedding anniversary. Although that date clearly had no importance to him.
D24 said to never compare myself to her. She said she is sickly skinny ( I’m not lol ), unattractive and full of herself. She said their relationship is superficial and warped.
D24 shared she isn’t going to waste energy on portraying her as an evil  stepmom as she’s not worth her energy. She isn’t going to validate her presence.

She mentioned that once they get married they won’t be living together as exH doesn’t retire for a couple more years and he won’t relocate until then.
 
Apparently exH has bought himself a camper because as he told D24 he can’t afford a house and this will allow He and OW somewhere to stay when she comes to town. ExH still lives with his brother and parks the trailer at a local campground.
 
He apparently sent out Christmas cards from him, OW and her kids but didn’t include D24.  I hope D24 doesn’t see one because goodness knows she doesn’t need to be hurt anymore. She has a strong front yet deep down inside still wants her dad to be a dad.

A couple of months ago ExH had stopped by his Mom’s to move his camper while I was there. Naturally, I heard him ask where I was. Mom said I was in cleaning the bathroom. ExH came to the door and instantly tears welled up in his eyes and he said “ Your too good , then turned around and left. He came back once he composed himself and shared something about work.
I think those may have been the most truthful words he’s said in a long time lol !

As I type this message I can’t help but shake my head and kinda chuckle at the absurdity of it all. This is not an emotionally healthy man but is MLC still the cause? I don’t know after all this time.

I just thought by sharing this would provide information for those who are interested in time lengths and behaviours ..9 years and back in the oven he goes on high this time  ::)

Hugs to all,
 
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Mitzpah on December 18, 2018, 04:50:57 AM
Hi Believer,

I am still here too. Over 8 years since BD.

I am sorry to hear that the latest news has thrown you - it must hurt and the emotions are probably running high. :( Rather sad that he "sent the message" through your d24. My h. does that kind of thing too, although it depends on what it is, if it is something about his woes at work, or he needs a short term loan - he will then contact me directly. I am sure that if it were something of the same nature  :-\ - marriage to ow or moving in again with her, he might resort to telling the kids first just to avoid having to tell me to my face. I think it is their guilt that overwhelms them... Just like his encounter with you while you were helping his mother.

My h. comes around, purportedly to see the kids and spend time with them. As they all still live with me, I suppose that is to be expected. Eldest s26 is moving out in January, so lets see what happens, this is the son he is closest to. Of course, the others are still with me and the garage is here, which is the place that unites eldest s26 and h. - so I doubt things will change too much.

Again, I am sorry but I can't help noticing that you are doing well otherwise. Have you retired? I remember you had lost your long term job earlier this year, I think? I am still working very hard at a full time job even though I am officially retired - can't really afford to live off my single pension :(  The economy here is still quite bad, so I guess I have quite a few more years in the work force! :P
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on December 18, 2018, 05:50:56 AM
Hi Mitzpah,

Good to hear from you. Yes, it will be interesting to was your H does once your son moves out. I think you’re right that things may not change  ;)

It’s the lack of courage and how long they carry their junk with them that stuns me. I say heck jump in the “hole”  and allow yourself to heal ....whole lot better than the torture your experiencing.

No, I’m not officially retired as my severance runs out in the fall of next year. Unfortunately, I still have two years after that before I can start to collect my pension. It’s a decent pension, however I’ll need to be wise about it. I may even need to pick up a part time job for fun money.  So I am looking for work to cover me until I can start my pension. Sadly, the job hunt isn’t going well and certainly won’t be in the pay scale I had previously.

Nonetheless, I will keep moving forward and it will all work it’s way out.

Hugs,
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on December 20, 2018, 04:39:30 PM
Hi Believer! Yes, that was a really cowardly thing he did. He got your D24, under the pretense of quality time together, to ambush her. And they all think that everyone is going to be happy for them with their choices. They constantly look to be validated. Apparently, D24 wasn't having any of it. Good for her for speaking up.

Interesting that they will get married, but not live together. I think some of these MLCers like the OP to stay on the periphery of their lives.


Sorry that the news upset you. I am sure you will rally and continue to be the amazing person you are. Why let a couple of dodos ruin all your hard work?
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 13, 2019, 07:58:18 PM
Just sharing some more MLC / OW observations.

As you recall exH is marrying the OW this July. My D25 was upset when her father told her this and shot him some truth darts.

Last night I learned that D25 was asked by her father to design the wedding invitations for them.  She does this work on the side for her friends. I had suspected she was as she was acting strangely about some printing she needed to do.

D25 hadn’t mentioned anything to me, I learned this through her boyfriend. He shared he was struggling to understand why she agreed to do this yet says she isn’t in support of it. We both agreed that deep inside she still wants her father’s attention whatever it may be.

D25 met up with him for dinner to show him the samples. As dinner continued he mentioned who was going to be standing up with OW and himself. OW has her two daughters participating, exH was having his brother and OW’s BIL. (I guess he’s not asking his closest friend, not surprised as exH has dumped him too.)
D25 then asked her father why he hadn’t included her. He stammered and said that she could be included. Oh gosh I’d love to see how he explains that to OW...pretty sure he lost sleep last night figuring out how to tell OW.

D25 hasn’t mentioned anything to me. I know it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me. Nonetheless, it nags at me that she wasn’t honest when we were talking about the print job
In a conversation with my exSIL who I get along with well - exH still lives at his brother’s home. I had asked her if she liked OW. She said she doesn’t even know OW well enough to say. She said they aren’t at all close. She said I couldn’t even tell you the colour of her hair!

What did I learn from all of this...

OW clearly had no intention of including D25...honestly neither did her father it seems
OW isn’t linked in closely to the exH’s family. She’s keeping exH secured tight in her family and town rather than in his.
I’m sad for D25 that her father still isn’t able to be her father
I’m sad for D25 and I. She wasnt honest about designing the invitations. I realize she didn’t say anything because she didn’t wish to hurt me. However, as a parent I still feel like Ive not been successful in coaching her through this type of scenario.

Hugs,
Believe


Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Mitzpah on March 14, 2019, 04:23:50 AM
Believer,

I am with you in the sadness about d25's behavior, I feel it reflects on me too :-\ when this kind of thing happens.
My kids ARE careful to shield me from their father's actions involving ow and her presence in their lives. Rationally, I know that it is not my fault and I have to allow them to deal in the way they see best.

It is just a shame that they need to hide and use subterfuges to keep in their father's good books - it shows how damaging divorce is to children of all ages.

Now that our S27 has moved out, I see very little of h. and he has firmly inserted ow into his visits to s27's house. He is distancing on a far reach currently. The other two kids (S25 and D24) see less of him now, although they are still in contact via whatsapp and when he goes to s27's house, they get summoned over :P.

Hugs to you!!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 14, 2019, 05:11:32 AM
Thanks Mitzpah  :)

Yes, it is upsetting what they do to keep in their father’s good books. The unnecessary stress that gets thrust on them by the MLCer/ divorce is so unfair.

Like you rationally I understand D25’s behavior too and her need to navigate through it. It still stings though.  She too tries very hard to keep me shielded.

Yes, that OW gets integrated into our kids lives whether we like it or not.  >:(

Hugs !






Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 14, 2019, 11:32:13 AM
Hello,

Quote
D25 hadn’t mentioned anything to me, I learned this through her boyfriend. He shared he was struggling to understand why she agreed to do this yet says she isn’t in support of it. We both agreed that deep inside she still wants her father’s attention whatever it may be.

I may be completely wrong on this and just my gut reaction. However, I do hope your D25 reconnects with her father. She is conflicted and by bringing her closer to her father, she can resolve this conflict.

Although it can happen at anytime, for your daughter's sake, I don't want your daughter to bear the incredible guilt should something happen to her father. Everyone is impacted by the passing of a parent, but those that are close and have a positive relationship with the parent recover faster than those that don't. Seems weird doesn't it?

She probably didn't want you to know about the card because she doesn't want to feel like she is betraying you.

My advice is to let her know that she made the cards and that you are very proud of her by helping her father. That she didn't let the bad behavior of her father determine her behavior. Remind her how much you love her and will always be there for her and she should always feel free to talk to you about anything- including her Dad.

Yes, your H is still in the oven. Ow is marrying damaged goods!

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 14, 2019, 03:57:29 PM
Ready,

I agree whole heartedly with you.
I do want my daughter to have a close relationship with her father. They were inseparable before this whole MLC started. He coached her softball team for years.
Thank you for reminding me to tell her I’m proud of her. I will because I am.
It’s important she know she’s safe to share her thoughts and feelings. I think you’re correct about her feeing conflicted.

Thanks for sharing your advice.


Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on March 15, 2019, 09:06:57 AM
I’ve only just found this thread so I’m attaching now. But it’s so odd to see MLC lasting so long. I’m only a few months over a year since BD and it’s shocking to see. I doubt I’d be able to stand for that length of time.

I think your daughter will be thinking of your feelings and not wanting to hurt you which is why she won’t say anything.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 15, 2019, 06:13:16 PM
Hi Sachat3,

Thanks for popping in!
Yes, he’s been in his crisis for a very long time. Sometimes I wonder if he is an MLCer then he’ll do something that reminds he absolutely is. This man today is almost the complete opposite of the man I had been married to....and he really likes who he is now  ;)
He has always been a stubborn and proud man, who struggled with conflict avoidance and an inability to communicate his feelings. I suspect that this combined with me making every mistake possible as an LBS may be contributing to the length.
I don’t really know if he’ll ever come through the tunnel. I truly don’t.  I still stand because I loved the man I was married to. He wasn’t perfect however he was a much better version of the man today. I’ll always have hope that the best version of him is yet to come. So far that man hasn’t arrived yet so his OW can have him until then. ;D
I’m not sure how I’ll feel once he remarries. I do know that I’m not interested in another relationship either. I seem to be content on my own, which in itself is an amazing improvement for me. I’ll take those types of improvements anytime over what my MLCer considers his improvements are......

Hugs, Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on March 16, 2019, 01:37:39 PM
Following along. I can't add anything. I think Ready said it all. You're a good mom Believer. Your daughter's compassion for your feelings proves it.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 16, 2019, 05:00:26 PM
Learning,

Thanks for the kind words. It’s greatly appreciated !
How is your wrist doing? I suspect it’s brought your painting to a halt.

Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on March 18, 2019, 02:39:01 AM
I feel the exact same. My friends always say things like “get back on the horse” and I’m just not ready. I do have men that would like to take me out, they seem like nice men. However, to me I feel it’s unfair to start dating them or whatever when realistically I’m waiting for H to come out or the tunnel. I don’t want to mess with people like that. Maybe I will feel different but right now it’s just me and my children. But then I’m only 27 and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone haha!

 I mean I’m no expert, my information on MLC comes from this forum and google searches but I don’t believe there is anything you can do to change his crisis. He’s where he is meant to be and as are you. I thought that about a few things with me and my H....oh maybe if I didn’t do X would he be further along!?! Maybe maybe not but I guess that’s why hindsight is so good. However, I do believe everything happens for a reason and we will keep repeating things until we learn the lesson that’s needed. So don’t stress too much :)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 18, 2019, 05:25:16 AM
Quote
I don’t want to mess with people like that. Maybe I will feel different but right now it’s just me and my children. But then I’m only 27 and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone haha!

Gosh, I never realized how young you are.  You are very wise for your age. I don't recommend the dating either if you are standing. It really complicates matters. In addition, you have three young girls. Not a good time to get involved with anybody.

Exception to that rule is the single Property Brother-if he shows any interest, go for it!

Sorry for the hijack Believer!

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He has always been a stubborn and proud man, who struggled with conflict avoidance and an inability to communicate his feelings.

Yes, that sums up my ex as well. My ex is never wrong and she would rather go for om2/3/4/5 before she ever came back to me.

Quote
I’m not sure how I’ll feel once he remarries. I do know that I’m not interested in another relationship either. I seem to be content on my own, which in itself is an amazing improvement for me.

Be content with yourself. Don't force the action just enjoy your life in the moment. You are doing a fantastic job of getting a life. Your life.

I hope you have a marvelous day!

(((((Ready)))))
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 18, 2019, 05:46:52 AM
Ready,
No need to apologize for the hijack.
Good information is always valued and appreciated !!

Sachat,
I’m with you about playing with other people’s emotions. Great advice from ready about your young girls as well. Stability and love is the best gift we can give them at this time.

Have a wonderful day !

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on March 18, 2019, 11:46:39 AM
Ready - the MLC makes you wise haha! No I don’t feel like dating now. Maybe my stance might change and then things will or I might just meet someone that I feel I have to date. Either way now isn’t the time. Although, I did contemplate it as H had an old friend and they fell out a few years around BD. This said friend once I was single added me again on Facebook and begged me for a date. I did imagine many of times the look on his face haha! But I didn’t do it haha!

Believer - it does just feel very wrong to go on a date with someone purely for the sake of “dating” no no no not my thing at all. In my child free time I’d much rather catch up on sleep, Netflix or be out with my girlfriends.

That said, in my angrier moments half of me does think if we do reconcile I’d like to be like “Oh yeah btw you weren’t the only one who had someone else” haha!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on March 18, 2019, 02:23:45 PM
Believer, my painting is at a standstill as I can't hold the brush. 2 more weeks to go before the cast comes off. Thanks for asking. Are you painting currently?
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 19, 2019, 07:45:57 AM
Learning,

It will be great to get the cast off. Your painting style may be changed slightly once you start up again. (lol,for me that would be a good thing!)

I haven’t been painting especially since I moved - just haven’t found the desire here yet.
As well I’m working two PT jobs which takes up most of my time.

Oh well in time everything will balance out and I’ll get back to painting and quilting.

Hugs!

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on March 19, 2019, 02:16:44 PM
I am hoping my style will be a little looser. Looking forward to trying again. Sorry you aren't inclined to paint.  I know that time is precious. Hope you can turn one of the 2 jobs into full time.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 20, 2019, 04:55:12 AM
Hello,

I hope you get a full time job as well. What do you like to paint? I love art, so when I went to Italy this fall, I was in heaven. To see the works of art you only saw in person was so incredible. We went to museums in Rome, Venice, and Florence. I liked Florence the best.

Hope you are doing well and you decide to pick up the brush soon!

((((Ready)))))
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on March 20, 2019, 05:22:57 AM
Ready,

Yes, ideally I’d like one FT job. However, in the end I just have to make this work until January 2022 then I can retire with my full pension   ;D

Then I’ll have all the time I want to paint. I tend to paint more free flowing scenes. I once took classes from an artist named Annie Lockhart (http://www.annielockhart.com/about/) on soulful painting.  I’ve loved the style ever since.
I dream of traveling to Italy to take it the history !

Hugs, Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 19, 2019, 02:31:54 PM
Something to share..

I went to a psychic the other week. I thought it would be intriguing to see what might surface as I rebuild the course of my life.

I’ve gone a few times over the years for fun with girlfriends. I provide as little information as possible -skepticism on my behalf for sure. I leave it up to them to tell me what they know. I didn’t provide any info about being divorced or my ex remarrying etc.

She told me she had a message from my exFIL. I absolutely adored my exFIL, I believe his passing was the start of my exH’s crisis. She named my exFIL and said he was rubbing a wedding band.
His message started by thanking me for unconditionally loving his son. He said his son has had a spiritual psychotic break. He said I know you feel exH has been swallowed up by a mothership and another person dropped in his place. He said that’s essentially what’s happened - exH isn’t the same man he was.

ExFIL even described that the OW aggressively targeted and manipulated exH, even used her daughters as part of the manipulation- played on his vulnerabilities until she had him in a relationship. ExFIL said exH still loves me very much just isn’t able to tell me. He doesn’t know how to communicate.

He said exH owns what he did however OW is an emotional terrorist holding him hostage. She’s psycho and stay clear of her. He said that I’m on OW’s mind everyday because exH won’t say anything bad about about me - it drives the OW crazy as she wants him to hate me but can feel deep inside he still loves me. ExFIL told me I’m the “pea under her mattress”.

ExFIL said my recent decision to not talk with ExH is  important to do he needs to know that I’m not there - leave him to fix himself. He closed his message by saying their marriage won’t last.

In the end what do I make of it... the parts of this that sat with me was that it was FIL - a man I value so much and have always felt if he were alive would be the one to challenge exH, the similarity of the message to what we say about MLC and the OW and the timeliness of my recent decision to not have contact with exH. ( btw which I struggled to know if it’s the right direction)

In some way it speaks to questions that have been wondering about as he prepares to remarry...
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Disillusioned on April 19, 2019, 02:50:05 PM
Believer,

I am BEYOND skeptical of psychics.  If this actually happened, I may need to meet this person.  I'm always open to changing my opinion on my beliefs.  This sounds like they knew things that they shouldn't know.  Must have been a weird experience for you?  What do YOU make of it?
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 19, 2019, 04:20:44 PM
Disillusioned,

I’m with you and the skepticism - I’ve always approached this as a “form of entertainment”  kinda like going to a show. Heck, I even booked under my middle name only and drove out of town for the appt. :-)

Yes, absolutely covered things that I hadn’t given any insight into and I was very evasive as she spoke about it.

Yes, it felt very weird to listen to those things. The fact that it came from my exFIL was probably the one thing I’ll take away from it. I truly loved that man as though he was my own father.

In the end it changes nothing, it was a fun time out, an experience that at times had me looking around to see who was there providing this info lol  :o ! and perhaps just a warm hearted moment between my FIL and I.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: limitless on April 21, 2019, 08:58:25 PM
Hi Believer,

Good to see you posting.

We are pretty much on the same time line.....so I ask - why does this continue to haunt?

Oh, I've moved forward with my life.  I've let go.  I've moved to a new place.  I have a new life.  But, even after almost 9 years - this still is there in the air.  Just lingering.  The feelings aren't as fresh, the pain not as sharp, the sadness not a deep...but it's still there.

I know that it is something that cannot be forgotten...but why after all this time does it have to continue to feel so unfair?

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 22, 2019, 05:21:18 AM
Hi Limitless,

I couldn’t agree more with your words. Lingering is a very real description of it all.

I’ve been busy rebuilding my own life, in my own way and yet the past floats in.

I’m grateful though that it has less impact on my emotions today then it did even a month ago.

However, I sense it will always be with me. I think it’s because I’m still me - just an improved and wiser version.  I didn’t change into someone who tosses away their life in search of the fountain of youth :-)

So good to hear that things are going well for you Limitless !!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on April 22, 2019, 04:57:45 PM
Hi Believer! That psychic was something! I am also skeptical of their powers,  but she seems to have a real gift with her message from your FIL.

Yes, this does linger. I wish I wouldn't think about my xH. I do. I don't want him back. I would never trust him again and that's no way to live. I wish that the day would come when I don't think about what a firetrucking idiot he is. But the thoughts are relentless. I guess it's like anything you can't have, it just weighs in the back of your mind.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 22, 2019, 06:09:47 PM
Learning,

Oh gosh - isn’t that so true “it’s like anything you can’t have” !

I was thinking again today will I ever reach a point that he’ll not be on my mind so much. I didn’t really know. I would have thought that after all this time it would all start to fade, but it truly hasn’t.

Uggh, this may take a lifetime  :P



Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on April 22, 2019, 06:23:09 PM
Believer, I remember speaking to a friend of my sister's about my BD shortly after it happened. She began telling me about how her xH cheated on her with the "scum-sucking-bottom-feeder". I was surprised by her name calling of the OW. She and her xH had been divorced for a long time and she was in a relationship for 11 years at that  point. I thought wow! I would never be that wound up after all that time and a new relationship to boot. Yet, here I am. I need to be less judgmental about people.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 22, 2019, 06:38:53 PM

I’m right there with you Learning!

I try not to place judgement, however when it comes to OW I’m clearly a work in process.....

I’ve always wondered what type of woman intentionally participates in the breaking up of a marriage and family...yep judgement at work.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 22, 2019, 11:56:30 PM
I think, when it comes to Ow, we probably always will be judgemental due to how they operate. If our men were telling the Ow they were divorced. If they had no idea these men were married with kids blah blah blah. We wouldn’t feel so strongly negative about them. We would see them as being duped. I remember my friend had been seeing a guy for almost a year. He rented an apartment on the sly, had two phones, he was always available to her everything.it was only when he sent her a selfie and she clocked him wearing a wedding ring that she realised he was married and his wife was none the wiser. However these Ow aren’t sold the “single man dream” they KNOW about us. They know we have kids they know it all. That’s where judgement comes in I think
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 23, 2019, 04:06:00 AM
 
Sachat3,

You summed that up well! 

Gosh how heartbreaking for your friend to discover that about the guy she was dating. I hope she is happy and doing well in another relationship  :)

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 23, 2019, 05:12:23 AM
Oddly enough, she is in contact with the wife. I think at the minute my friend is sworn off men.

But I think, any of us could “accidentally” be sucked in by a married man. I don’t think, if a man wanted an affair, I don’t think it would be hard to hide a wife. However, to KNOW a man is married and still be interested in someone says much more about the Ow than the man.

I suppose that’s what solidified my belief that this was midlife crisis. The way Ow reacts and acts is A typical. Normal decent people wouldn’t go near another woman’s man. I wouldn’t. Maybe if I was 16/17/18. But as a fully fledged adult. No way.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 23, 2019, 06:07:51 AM

I can appreciate the swearing off men for the minute - I’d need to regroup after that  ;)

Yes, I agree about it saying much more about an OW that she would become involved with a married man and the validation of all this being midlife.

Heck, on occasion I may text my best friend’s husband a funny comment about his fav hockey team etc. I always make sure my best friend knows I’m doing it - it comes down to basic respect for another person.

The fact that the OW doesn’t care about the wife is disgusting enough but when it impacts children as well then that adds another layer to the OW’s inability for compassion. It’s plain ruthlessness.

In no way do I excuse my h’s behaviour and poor choices in all of this. I think though  I can see his brokenness and bizarre changes more clearly and perhaps that’s a factor when I look at the greater picture.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 23, 2019, 06:34:18 AM
I’m the exact same. I mean, when I confronted Ow about her relationship with H (wish I knew then what I know now like!) but she was so cock sure and confident of herself. She said something along the lines of “woman to woman why do you want a man who doesn’t want you. Let him go. I know you’ve got a family but give it up” I mean, if that didn’t give me a clue to the kind of woman I’m dealing with. Aside from the fact my youngest hadn’t long turned one and just undergone a MRI to detects brain tumour. (Thank the lord it didn’t!) I can see how that would affect my H. But I know, I wouldn’t bother with my H if I was her. It would be too much drama. Also, having a ex message you would make most normal people go “dya know what. See ya!” I know it would me. I don’t really feel anger towards my Ow. I just feel pity for her. It takes a severely desperate woman to stick around. I feel sorry for her.

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 23, 2019, 07:47:33 AM

Pity is a perfect description for the OW.

Oh gosh I can’t believe the OW had the nerve to make a comment like that ...actually I do now.
  >:( Nothing human about a person like that.

I’m glad I’ve not met the OW, although I suspect it’s only a matter of time given their upcoming wedding. She’ll surface at some “ family” event.

More importantly though, I’m so glad that all had turned out well for your youngest child. What a scare to go through when everything else was happening.

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 23, 2019, 07:53:09 AM
Well luckily it was a few months before BD. So wasn’t too bad. All at once would ha e been hell.

I’ve never physically met her. Funnily enough I get the feeling she’s intimidated by me
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on April 23, 2019, 08:00:24 AM

Of course she is ...you’re everything she isn’t plus you share history and kids.  ;D
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on April 23, 2019, 02:18:46 PM
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She said something along the lines of “woman to woman why do you want a man who doesn’t want you. Let him go. I know you’ve got a family but give it up”

WOW! A perfect response would have been "Woman to woman, why would you want a man who so easily abandons a family? What kind of a man were you hoping for?". 

I am also glad that things turned out ok for your child with the MRI.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 23, 2019, 02:49:35 PM
Honestly the only thing that haunts me about the confrontation I had with her on social media. Was the things I could have said. Although I did tell her there and then (only a month or so after BD) H will never love you like he loves me. He’ll come back to me. Fast forward only a few months and I was exposing him for sleeping with me! So I was right. Even then ha!

But if I could do that time differently I would
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on April 23, 2019, 02:59:07 PM
Sachat3, I always replay things in my mind and wished I could have done things differently. Is he still with that OW?
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: megogirl on April 23, 2019, 03:07:16 PM
WOW! A perfect response would have been "Woman to woman, why would you want a man who so easily abandons a family? What kind of a man were you hoping for?".

Yes!  So perfect plus maybe, "Woman-to-woman, there is something called GIRL CODE....and you have badly violated it."
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 23, 2019, 03:14:26 PM
Me too.

Knowing how much she loves drama I would never have messaged her. I messaged her after their first meeting (a month after BE) so I don’t think their was an affair but I think me messaging her made him more attractive in her eyes.

Yes. Still together. He’s only had her as a OW
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: megogirl on April 23, 2019, 03:20:22 PM
but I think me messaging her made him more attractive in her eyes.

It definitely did.

Because there is something attractive about a "taken" person.  Suddenly, it is not only a competition but they also think, "If so-and-so married him, he MUST be a keeper!"  Especially if said competition is attractive.  Ugh.

But make no mistake, your H gets off on it, too.  Hey -- a fight between these two women, for ME?!?  Bring it!

Sick, and twisted....
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 24, 2019, 12:06:54 AM
As MLC goes I guess I’ve had it easy. My MLCer has no monster, he waited to move out before starting with Ow, he’s fair with money he’s a very clingy clinger that isn’t nasty at all. So day to day it’s easy to live with. But I know his self esteem is at a low. He needs to feel needed. He wants to feel like somebody wants him which is why he does everything he can for me. But this is why he gets no fight from me. You want OW fine. Off you pop.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: megogirl on April 24, 2019, 03:21:35 PM
He wants to feel like somebody wants him which is why he does everything he can for me. But this is why he gets no fight from me. You want OW fine. Off you pop.

'Tis exactly why he's frustrated.  Because he really wants you to care.  Even better?  A catfight between you & OW!

But you demonstrating the feeling of "I don't care" is just perfect.  Let her have him, because they deserve each other!

It took me a loooong time to reach this point, and I actually believe it now (detachment?!)

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on April 25, 2019, 12:05:59 AM
I mean luckily for me, we get on fairly well due to the fact I don’t believe he was unfaithful. I believe I nipped it in the bud so to speak before he could cheat. So right now between me and him, there’s no bad blood. Knowing what I know now about Ow. When I told her he was unfaithful to her with me. I’m certain had it been the other way round she would have said and even when she’s tried goading me with dates. They’ve always been dates a good month or two after he moved out. He’s very fair with money. He has the kids often. So really there isn’t any reason for me to have bad blood with him. When he comes for the kids we have a laugh we’re friendly etc etc. The negative side of this is for Ow. It grates her up so much she had to slag me off online. Oh dear oh dear. Must really suck to be the person your boyfriend refused to cheat on but happily cheats on you hey
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 02, 2019, 04:26:51 PM
I’ve shared that my exH is getting married next month.
I have been fortunate to have had no interaction with the OW in all these years.
Although that’s truly a benefit for me it’s doesn’t mean I haven’t wondered what she’s like...
I have received snippets of info which validate much of what is expressed about the OW’s character or lack there of.
Anyhow, a wedding invitation was sent to exh and I’s very best friends.
Exh and our friend have been best friends since the age of 7. However since the MLC has happened exh has distanced himself.
This has hurt our friends deeply.
I’m blessed to have a wonderful relationship with them still ♥️.
Anyhow, the OW texted our bf ( male) to enquire if they are attending the wedding. Note the RSVP wasn’t due for another three weeks.
Her text was as follows: hi, this is OW ( using access through h’s phone) I need to now if you aren’t planning to attend the wedding. I must be prepared to support exh when his BF doesn’t show to his wedding”
 Manipulation anyone ????
Our friends were so offended by her text. The male bf will be attending only the ceremony then leaving.
The female BF is not attending at all- she doesn’t like the OW. Btw the OW completely misspelled my BF’s name on the invitation.
He responded that only he would be attending and not for the entire event. The OW never responded.....
Our friends were the only people exh invited to the wedding other than his siblings and our daughter.
I feel a sadness for everything he’s lost and only shake my head that he’s engaging in a marriage with someone so manipulative.
He simply is unable to see anything it seems.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on June 03, 2019, 02:01:36 AM
That seems to be a common theme. They seem blind to it. I have friends who know Ow so they have her on social media. I never told my friends about Ow because I just didn’t tell most people but ow uploaded a photo to her social media where my friends were following her of H in a hotel room. To which I got texts like “why is he in a hotel room with Ow” this was in early January and we split November. I hadn’t told my friends we had split. Me and Clington decided not to tell anyone until 1st feb. I believed this would give us enough time to fix things but for Ow to post that photo showed me everything I needed to know. And since then it’s been constant. Once I got over the initial embarrassment it’s been handy to have my friends still follow her because I get more of an insight so I can detach more because I know she’s crazy. But Clington can’t/won’t see it. I don’t know which it is but it’s a can’t or a won’t.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Treasur on June 03, 2019, 03:00:33 AM
Good lord, B, even when we don't look the universe seems to have a way of confirming that these ow are a standard type. What a peculiar message. Controlling, whiny, bit of drama and manipulation...nice...just the kind of thing for a 'happy' event....when either a factual check for catering numbers say or a short call from your xh to HIS BF is how normal people behave.

I'm glad that your friends - and you - are finding a gracious respectful way to navigate this insanity that protects your friendship. It is logically unlikely of course that ow's penchant for control, drama, victimhood and manipulation only shows up in that one text message in how she lives her life, so if nothing else you can feel reassured that she is not marrying someone like you did and that karma has started to do its job in your xh's life with probably lots more to come  :). And that you and your son will be happier staying as far away as possible from that kind of crazy...
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 03, 2019, 02:55:45 PM
Believer, it sounds as if OW expected a "NO" for BF attending. Maybe that's what she was hoping for. Glad BF will go to the ceremony but not the celebration. There is nothing to celebrate.

I hope that you will be ok. I am sure it stings. If my xH married OW, I think I would LMAO. He would so deserve it.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 03, 2019, 06:16:31 PM
Sachat3,

Yes, it’s sometimes interesting to hear what the OW antics are. Although I am grateful to not be subjected to it very much. I don’t do stupidity well  ;)
They are indeed blind to the OW. Oh gosh uploading pics with h at a hotel....good grief !

Treasur, 
Exactly, the most appropriate step would be for exH to reach out to his BF and have an adult conversation. Nope, gotta have his “heroine”  take care of him.
Our bf’s are incredibly gracious and kind friends - its truly exh’s loss. As our BF said he’s going only because of their long term friendship and certainly not because of the relationship they have now.
So true about the reassurance the text provides about OW and and the kind of man he presently is. 
The best part is that after the wedding he’ll still live in our hometown and she’ll live in hers...2.5 hrs away. He doesn’t want to move until he retires which is atleast one year although he’d said to me he didn’t plan to retire early so he’d probably work longer. Gee wonder if OW knows ...better yet does she know he told me that. Oh heavens she’s won herself a prize !!

Learning,
That’s exactly what we were thinking. She didn’t want them to show for the wedding. She likely had it all planned how she could tell exH how bad these people were that they wouldn’t even attend their wedding...blah blah blah.
Our bf’s were funny though...they decided not to give a gift to them because they didn’t want any gift sitting in OW’s house ( exH is still living at his brother’s home - yep family dysfunction) while exH lives here. So they are making a donation in their name to get this...the animal rescue that I volunteer for and from which our bf’s adopted their kitty :-)
Yes, it really stung when I learned he was remarrying, however I’m in a much better place than I was. I’ve also accepted some extra shifts at work during that time just to help keep me distracted. I’m sure i’ll have a few tears that day, but I know it will quickly clear too.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on June 04, 2019, 12:34:24 PM
What’s funny is, Clington must have refused to pose for a selfie. So she took one of herself on the hotel bed and only managed to get his arm in which is heavily tattooed. My friends saw the photo scrolled past it. I saw it and my heart sank. I knew it was him from the tattoos. She clearly didn’t get the reaction so she had to comment “when @clingtons Instagram account is snoozing so you take a selfie” and that’s when the floodgates opened
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 04, 2019, 02:45:45 PM
Sachat3,

Oh gosh I can feel your heart sink when you recognized the tattoos. I’m sorry you experienced that.
However gotta just laugh at the OW’s antics utter absurdity.

Hugs to you Sachat3!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 04, 2019, 03:24:48 PM
Believer, I think that the "wedding gift" is an awesome idea for the Bf's to give. I wonder if the OW will catch on that it's really an in-your-face to her. LOL! And, after the nuptials they're going to live apart for at least a year?! Boy is she getting the booby prize. He sure is all in with the relationship isn't he?

It really is incomprehensible how their brains actually work.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 04, 2019, 04:07:42 PM
Learning,

I honestly don’t think she’ll clue in although I know exH will realize it. However...exH certainly won’t engage in a conversation with her about it. That would involve conflict and exH runs from that. ::)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on June 05, 2019, 03:16:26 AM
I mean at the time my heart sank but then as we already split and he moved out part of me is grateful it happened then. Now I just look at her antics as an outsider and I can see she is desperate.

There was a quote I saw online and it’s so appropriate and I can’t share to my socials hahaha. It goes

My revenge is for you to keep him, because I know your gonna go through hell.

I also love the wedding gift. It’s good you have friends like that.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Treasur on June 05, 2019, 03:20:06 AM
The tattoo post is just shabby and cheap isn't it? Just eeewww... ::)
Unlike Believer's friends rather subtle elegant (and useful to deserving creatures) FU gift  :)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: sachat3 on June 05, 2019, 04:55:24 AM
She was just desperate to make it known HES WITH ME and he clearly didn’t pose for a selfie so she had to take sly pictures. At the time he didn’t even IG as when he runs he takes himself of Social media ha. So he had no idea the pic had been posted 🤣 just screams weirdo. But it helped me detach
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: FaithWalker on June 06, 2019, 08:45:01 PM
I love the wedding gift Believer!
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 07, 2019, 03:31:00 AM
Hi FaithWalker,

Thanks for stopping by. I agree the gift is perfect on so many levels  :)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 18, 2019, 07:12:31 AM
Hi everyone,

I don’t post a great deal. I really don’t have a lot to share that others haven’t already covered often better than I can say. This is an incredibly well informed and unfortunately “seasoned” group in the area of MLC.

As I’ve shared my exH is soon marrying. The emotions for me regarding this have been intense. In some ways it’s another  knife to the heart, yet at the same time there is a feeling of finality with it.  I can’t change him, help him or even emotionally reach him. He is a very different man than the man I married.
He has not wanted to grow and in fact holds tight to remaining closed to expressing any emotion or feelings.

He knows I love him, and in a way I would like to believe he loves me as well. However, that may simply be the optimist in me “hanging on to the belief this is MLC ” .

I read many of the threads and feel the emotion, fear and at times the excitement each of you feel. The wisdom, guidance, coaching and tough love are the meaningful gifts of support we provide to each other. How fortunate we are to have this forum. I honestly don’t know where I would have been without it. I know many of you fee the same.

MLC is a long journey. There is nothing that you can do to speed it or change it.  A part of your life has indeed disintegrated before your very eyes- and you didn’t see it coming.

As much as I’ve created a new life for myself and my daughter  it isn’t without heartbreak, anger, fear, and great loss of what I once had.
Is it truly what I want - no it isn’t not yet however it is mine to continue to enrich and nourish as best I can.

At times, I feel I need to step back for a bit from the forum  as I sense an “addiction” to coming here. Then other times when the tears flow I know its the only group that understands the pain Im feeling.  Does anyone else flex between these feelings?
 
I guess I’m feeling reflective as I plan what the next step will be for me once exH marries. I do know that I’m stepping back from contact with him - its that feeling of not wanting to be the EA in his new marriage. He’s already indicated that he has a hard time accepting that we won’t talk as we did once  he’s married. He said that doesn’t feel “real”. 
Yes, that is real - I’m no longer your wife.

Although I wasn’t given the same grace and respect in my marriage by his soon to be wife I won’t do the same in hers. I’ll leave her to destroy her own ..okay that was my evil thoughts spoken aloud ;-)

I don’t know if he’ll ever “crash”. He’s hidden himself away so tight, in fact years ago the marriage therapist shared with him- you have to let someone inside your head with you to help you. What you are doing is unhealthy for you and those you love. I’m extremely concerned for you.
His response… was to run ..further …and further.
ExH knows that I will be there should he ever need my support. I feel at this time it’s the most meaningful gift I can give him.
I just don’t know if he’ll want it.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 20, 2019, 02:59:07 PM
Quote
As much as I’ve created a new life for myself and my daughter  it isn’t without heartbreak, anger, fear, and great loss of what I once had.
Is it truly what I want - no it isn’t not yet however it is mine to continue to enrich and nourish as best I can.

Believer, I think this is a wonderful statement. You acknowledge that you are working on creating your best life. It hasn't happened yet, but you are still striving to achieve it. That takes guts and tenacity. You are amazing! Amazing!

It is my hope for you, that once your xH is remarried, that you realize how broken and not worthy of you he is. Yes, you might leave the door open, but he might never be invited in again. His loss.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 20, 2019, 05:16:16 PM
Learning,

Thanks very much for your encouragement. I truly appreciate it.

I sense you may be correct about seeing just how broken and unworthy he is. He continues to lack the courage to look with himself, sadly very little will improve for him until then.

Hugs, Believer



Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 22, 2019, 06:35:59 AM
The marriage may even free you from fretting about where he is in his journey. He is most definitely not your problem anymore. The new M is just him looking for outside validation to fix the inside issues, and it's not going to work. He will be no happier on the inside than he is now.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 22, 2019, 02:57:42 PM
Learning,

You just nailed it ! Thank you for spinning it that way for me.

Your perspective does indeed offer me freedom from his journey.
I‘m with you on this not being a solution to fixing himself. He has no idea how much deeper he’s digging his hole.
I only hope he protected himself financially going into this - particularly for our daughter’s sake. Although I won’t be surprised otherwise.

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Milly on June 22, 2019, 03:20:57 PM
Believer, I'm sorry to hear your H is marrying the OW. I just hope this does bring a sense of closure to you, or a push forward to let him go. I'm not at this point yet, but I know it might come. It's a shame that your H seems to value the contact with you and doesn't seem to want to lose it, yet he is compelled to destroy that last tie to you. If anything, it sounds like he's still in replay.

This place is truly a safe and comforting place for any of us to come to when we need to vent or need a virtual cuddle.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 22, 2019, 05:22:17 PM
Milly,

Thank you for your words. It does feel as though a sense of closure will occur.
I have done everything within my ability to be there for H and our M however to no avail. So this may very well be where our story ends.

The lack of contact will be interesting to see. In fact the other evening H sent a text asking if I would be at our daughters ball game. If so, he’d pick up some dinner for me because he figured I’m likely coming from work and haven’t eaten.  ::)
It was thoughtful, however he’s never asked before. I wasn't going to be at the game as I was working and wouldn’t be off in time. H proceeded to give me game updates, however stopped in the final inning and hasn’t been heard from since  ;) and I didn’t go looking either.

Yes, I’m grateful that we can come here share what’s on our minds.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on June 25, 2019, 06:00:45 PM
Believer, I am glad that you found some comfort in my words. It is all so incredibly sad and unbelievable how they function. I find it bizarre that you got all of that game info and then nothing. They can be so weird. Does he expect to be able to contact you once he remarries?
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 25, 2019, 06:55:34 PM
Learning,

I couldn't agree more about just how weird it all is.

Yes, he feels we’ll remain in contact once he remarries. I’ve shared with him that “we won’t be in contact as we are as he’ll be married to someone so it’s not appropriate. I’m happy to speak with you about things related to our daughter or MIL.” His response was - “that doesn’t seem real so I have a hard time accepting that”  ::)

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 26, 2019, 01:33:09 AM
Learning,

I couldn't agree more about just how weird it all is.

Yes, he feels we’ll remain in contact once he remarries. I’ve shared with him that “we won’t be in contact as we are as he’ll be married to someone so it’s not appropriate. I’m happy to speak with you about things related to our daughter or MIL.” His response was - “that doesn’t seem real so I have a hard time accepting that”  ::)

Oh, it's gonna be real alright... Real ugly, real quiet, real lonely.... and a real boundary.... You are showing that you will respect his choice of marrying the OW and that your choice is then to cut off contact other than it relates to your D or MIL.  It's a shame that the OW never had that kind of integrity but, well, if she did, she wouldn't have been able to pick herself up such a winner, would she? Once he's done the deed, it will be up to you to enforce that boundary (read "ignore his communications attempts that are not about your D or MIL."  I'm thinking that he may try to ramp up communication just to see if he can.... You know, push that boundary ....

That mean old Mr. Reality is about to come in for a landing and he's a REAL buzz killer.... Because he's going to be stuck with the consequences of his actions (married to the OW) and that is a very hard and long slog.....

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on June 26, 2019, 02:42:59 AM
UM,

You summed it up wonderfully! Yes, the boundary keeping now rests with me. I’ve reached a point over the past few weeks that I’m quite confident I’ll be fine setting this boundary. I’m very tired of it all.  :P

Hugs, Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Milly on July 06, 2019, 12:13:38 PM
Good for you, Believer. UM summed it up perfectly. Your H is in for a surprise new relationship with you.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on July 06, 2019, 09:00:20 PM
Thanks Milly !

ExH got married yesterday.
I had felt an emotional shift in myself over the past week. That shift allowed me to get through the day without tears spilling. In fact I found myself somewhat at peace.

After work I visited with my two dear girlfriends who have been by my side since this started.
They and their husbands have been our friends for years.
We had a lovely time sitting around the bonfire, laughing, talking and simply enjoying our friendship.
We did reflect on exH, the damage he’s caused, and the loss of him in not only my and D’s life but theirs as well because they and their husbands have also lost his friendship.

In the end they shared ....he’s still deep in crisis, she is nothing, their marriage is built on lies, and we’ve lost a very dear friend. However, “ Believer “ you have grown so much, and travelled this path with such grace and integrity. H has lost much more than you have and she will always live in your shadow.....

Hugs, Believer

Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Treasur on July 07, 2019, 12:24:29 AM
It is a very odd experience isn't it? But I am so glad that you were surrounded by love and affirmation, Believer....and that you have loving friends supporting and encouraging you as you move out of the hurricane of your xh's crisis.

Anecdotally, just as MLC trumps divorce, remarriage doesn't seem to magically fix the broken pieces either. But it does allow you to keep detaching and moving forward in the way that suits you and your family best...and without the subtle obligation that many of us still feel when someone is our spouse as opposed to someone else's spouse bc not only is it no longer your job but the vacant position has been filled now.

And let's be honest...being a broken person's spouse is not a great job is it?  :) painful and odd as it felt to me, I suspect that it is less a happy turn of fate and rather more the karma bus in action for both my xh and ow...but definitely a line in the sand of the circus ring lol.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on July 07, 2019, 04:05:12 AM
Treasur,

Your words are so true. It is indeed an odd experience, The brokenness as you say isn’t repaired, and yet I am moving forward with an increased detachment.

Yes, relief of the subtle obligation feels good, because honestly I was clearly failing miserably at it.
I’ll leave that role to his new wife to fulfill.

I feel the same as you in that it is “ less a happy turn of fate and more the Karma bus in action”.
I’ll leave them to their ride  ;)

Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Treasur on July 07, 2019, 04:28:05 AM
Good oh, Believer.
Tbh I know very little about him now or her or their relationship. By choice. But the little bits the universe has thrown at me show clearly that it isn't the kind of relationship I would like to have nor like the one I had with my h. It may suit them both very well of course...but it wouldn't be good enough for me or fit who I am. So I have lost nothing worth having and nothing more than I had already lost...while my xh has added another barrier if he ever recovers and needs to finish unfinished business plus the 'excitement' of marrying a not very nice vain and rather stupid woman (quite like his batsnot crazy mother lol) who stole from him and lied for a year to him and is evidently the text police. There are not enough smiling unicorn memes or pretty FB wedding pictures in the world to fix that lol.  :D
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on July 07, 2019, 06:08:41 AM
LOL Treasur I hear you!

The H I was married to was a very different man than he is today. He’s been lost for a very long time with no inclination of finding himself. So like you I haven’t lost anymore than I already had.

His new wife fits the man he is today better than I. I can only imagine them fighting over the mirror to admire themselves....
I’ll take fighting with our D to pick up her clothes over that anytime  ;D

I suspect once he retires in the next couple of years, moves to her city and they begin to actually live as a married couple the cracks may surface in their “perfect world”. However, who knows I may be all wrong just as he says  ;)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: stillbaffled on July 07, 2019, 07:14:26 AM

The H I was married to was a very different man than he is today. He’s been lost for a very long time with no inclination of finding himself. So like you I haven’t lost anymore than I already had.


Welcome to the club, Believer!  Indeed, it's one more odd experience to add to the crisis. 

You sound like you handled the nuptials with grace.  How lovely that your married friends supported you.  I love the part where they told you that he's lost more than you have and that she'll always live in your shadow.   :)
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on July 07, 2019, 07:38:02 AM
Thank you Stillbaffled!

Yes, absolutely another odd experience to add indeed !

I’m so grateful to have such wonderful friends as I do. That statement they made was such a realization for me. At times I was so stuck in the mud of the crisis I’d lost perspective...

Hugs, Believer




Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on July 10, 2019, 06:38:07 PM
Believer, I am so happy that you were surrounded by love and support on the dreaded day. You have some spectacular friends. They see your worth and value. I hope their beautiful words to you encourage you to become even more amazing than you are. (((HUGS)))
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on July 11, 2019, 05:13:34 AM
Hello,

Yes, you will find that your children and you will have a stronger and better life because of one word: integrity.

You and your daughter can look back and see how your actions were honest and kept your integrity whole.

Your ex is broken. He is not honest and no longer whole. He has lost his integrity. When he looks back on his life, and sees the path he took, will he feel pride or will he feel regret.

Many of us do things to write our life's resume. That is nice, but what we should focus on is writing our eulogy. That is the message that everyone carries after your gone. What is your H's eulogy going to be?

((((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Disillusioned on July 11, 2019, 12:19:17 PM
Hello,

Yes, you will find that your children and you will have a stronger and better life because of one word: integrity.

You and your daughter can look back and see how your actions were honest and kept your integrity whole.

Your ex is broken. He is not honest and no longer whole. He has lost his integrity. When he looks back on his life, and sees the path he took, will he feel pride or will he feel regret.

Many of us do things to write our life's resume. That is nice, but what we should focus on is writing our eulogy. That is the message that everyone carries after your gone. What is your H's eulogy going to be?

((((Hugs)))

Ready


WOW... 
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: megogirl on July 11, 2019, 04:00:09 PM
Many of us do things to write our life's resume. That is nice, but what we should focus on is writing our eulogy. That is the message that everyone carries after your gone. What is your H's eulogy going to be?

I second that WOW.  I LOVE this.

Writing that down now, and will show to my therapist tomorrow as something that I find very profound.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: stayed on July 11, 2019, 07:11:32 PM


Many of us do things to write our life's resume. That is nice, but what we should focus on is writing our eulogy. That is the message that everyone carries after your gone. What is your H's eulogy going to be?


Mmmmmmmmmm, I'm more concerned about MY eulogy!  What will the people I love and care about remember and cherish about ME. 

hugs Stayed
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 12, 2019, 02:06:38 AM

Mmmmmmmmmm, I'm more concerned about MY eulogy!  What will the people I love and care about remember and cherish about ME. 

hugs Stayed

WORD! The Mid-Lifer's Eulogy is theirs to write and we no longer have anything to do with it (unless, of course, one reconciles).

But what about our own? That IS our responsibility.... And, from the time our Mid-Lifer goes off the rails, it is in OUR hand how we choose to write. We can be "the bitter victim," the "helpless martyr," the "kicked 'em to the curb and firetruck' em," the "compassionate observer," the "stoic survivor," or any myriad of things. It is up to us to choose and make it happen (or not choose and relinquish control).
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: FaithWalker on November 24, 2019, 09:55:18 PM
Hope you are doing well Believer.  Would love an update on how you are.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on November 26, 2019, 05:35:34 PM

Hi FaithWalker,

Thanks for checking in on me  All is going fine.

I feel I’m doing well, however I still think of exh far too much 🙄
Surprisingly, he hasn’t contacted me at all. I truly thought he would have made an attempt. So perhaps he really is on to his new life and I am simply a part of his past.

I’ve been very busy working two jobs which has been very tiring  and the wage is not ideal. As a result I’ve decided to slow down and use my retirement investments. It provides a better income than I have now. (Grateful for my pension.) I’m going to do some much needed upgrades to the house I bought a year ago. Some windows, doors, electrical and a new kitchen. I don’t have an oven and have been using a toaster oven for the past year!
I’m excited to have this work to do - I hope to do some of the demo myself. I hear it’s a great source for anger relief 😀
If anything I am surprised at the “anger” that surfaces at times. Sometimes as I drive I find myself pretending to give my exH a piece of my mind. It feels part of the process and I likely suppressed the anger far too long.
Overall though I’m moving forward and certainly taking better care of myself than I have. In fact today I went to the local YMCA for a tour and discussion
of their program. I’m going back next week on a guest pass ... now that may have me feeling my age for a bit LOL !

Hugs,
Believer


Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on December 03, 2019, 04:22:16 AM
Hi Believer! Nice to hear an update. Don't feel alone with giving your xH a piece of your mind, in your mind, I do it all the time.  ;D  Haven't spoken to, or seen my xH in close to 2 years, and I still say out loud, "I hate your f'n guts" multiple times a day. I think I will be sufficiently healed when that behavior stops.

Your renovation plans sound wonderful. I did a lot of work to my house this year. I found a zero percent credit card to help me finance it. It feels so good to know that things are in working order and updated. I also went without an oven for about 18 months. I microwaved everything.

Good luck with your fitness goals. I started back at the gym a couple of months ago. I had broken my wrist in the gym back in Feb. So much for the healthful benefits. LOL I finally felt ready to go back, but I am doing it slowly and cautiously.
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: Believer on December 03, 2019, 06:04:31 AM
Hi Learning,

Thanks for touching in !

Yes, I’m sure I’ll continue for a bit to “vent my anger “ on the drives in to town for a little longer  ;)

It’s interesting what we put up a microwave and toaster. Once my oven is in I’ll be baking to my hearts content, good thing for gym membership!

So glad your wrist is better and you are back at the gym !

Hugs, Believer
Title: Re: Just checking !
Post by: LearningIamOk on December 06, 2019, 02:56:55 PM
Vent away Believer. What ever gets you thru the day. I hope that your home is filled with delicious smells and tasty treats once your oven in operation.

I am happy, but sore, being back at the gym. Hopefully, I will drop some weight and be faithful to the workouts. When it's cold and dark, it's hard to be motivated to go back out once home.