Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Mortesbride on July 13, 2018, 05:30:05 AM

Title: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 13, 2018, 05:30:05 AM
Previous Threads:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10107.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9973.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9865.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9756.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9651.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9589.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9466.0

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Well been a wee while back from MLC Family Vacation 2018.  ::)

Everyone is still alive..so bonus.

So I took notes in my phone to try and remember any details relevant for the site.

First things first...the KARMA bus smacked him a good one right out the gate. He managed to drop his phone down the toilet the day we were leaving. So sorry OW guess you won't be getting reassurance texts! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  ;D

He showed up on time to leave, in good spirits, we drove around a bit in the morning so he could get used to the car...then took kids for breakfast before heading out on the journey.

At this point (day one) he said he came because he was worried about me driving alone. Not because of the kids...because he was worried about me. Strange.  ???

During the 6 hour drive, I got some pretty weird speeches. He was talking to me at one point as if he was trying to sell himself to me. ''I am funny, no one can out wit me....I may be negative but you will never find anyone who makes you laugh more'' etc etc. To the point I actually said ''Wow you sound like you are writing a dating profile there...'' Later the conversation turned into ''All men moan eventually, they seem nice at first but we are all the same''. Lots of endearing terms ''Dearest, for you madam'' etc..He even came out with a ''We are getting on better than expected'' to which I simply said ''We always got on''...and left it there. When we finallly got to the resort he took daughter (8) to the shop, and got lost trying to find his way back to the hotel villa, so the 8 year old had to lead him back...After dinner and that he went into his room, and that was that.

Day 2 he was in a foul mood upon waking (pretty normal) and I got a 10 minute moan session about the sandals I bought for son (2). :o Eventually I got tired of hearing it and simply said ''Well if you do not like the things I buy, perhaps YOU should buy stuff for your kids''. That shut him up until we got to breakfast, he ate, and cheered up.  On the way back from breakfast he was giving the kids the story about how we met. He was smiling and nostalgic...like it was a good memory for him. This seemed really odd to me given everything but also showed how conflicted and confused he is moment to moment. This was a theme throughout the holiday, one moment complaining that daughter used to much peanut butter in her peanut butter sandwich, the next making me a coffee and bringing it over. Selfish teenager to thoughtful old self, back and forth the pendulum swung.

Later that day he was gonna take the older two out, and I was going back to the house with the sleeping youngest. He carried him all the way back to the villa ''so mommy won't hurt her back''. :o This seemed overly considerate for him, since usually he would have just handed him off and let me get on with it. That night he sat in the living room where I was, as he was watching the England match in the world cup.

Day 3 the cracks started to show. Grumpy before breakfast again, started to complain that me ''making him go on the water slide with the kids'' made him sick... He took daughter out for some one to one time, and came back from the shops with a lolly and made me a coffee again, says he will take kids Tue-Wed over the summer....then promptly challenged me to a thumb war. :o :o I mean.. I just...whatever.

Day 4 grumpy at breakfast, cursing middle son on the way for being annoying...and then it was supposed to be middle sons turn for one to one time. So true to form he took son out for an hour, brought him back, then took daughter out.....and brought her back 1 hour n half later with a slushie. So not only did he take daughter out on son's night, he brings her back with a slushie (when we have three kids) so what do you educated adults think happened? Oh yes...all hell broke lose.  :-\

Son started crying...I asked daughter if she would mind sharing because technically it was supposed to be his night, and he never got a slushie and his feelings are a little hurt so it would be kind to share... Then Beast stormed in the living room and started to scream at me ….so I walked out to leave the kids in there and went to his room. He was ranting and raving and giving it this whole ''Woe is me, you are always mean to me, I knew this would happen'' bull$h!te...so I calmly and matter of factly said ''Beast you are treating him differently, this isn't the first time, and it needs to stop'' and he said ''We aren't together anymore, I don't have to listen to your bull$h!te, everyone knows how mean you are to me'' and I put a hand up and said ''You are right, we are not together anymore...But he is still your son, and you treat him differently. Tonight was his night, you took out daughter and got her a slushie, you routinely leave him with your mom while you take the other two to mcdonalds.'' then he started ''Oh so now you are saying I am a $h!tety parent is that what you are saying'' and I just said ''Beast I don't need to say anything, you know what kind of parent you are'' and I just walked out the room.

The whole conversation lasted approximately 2.5 minutes. He seethed in that room waiting for me to come back and play the dynamic it used to be. Me coming in to cry and beg and talk and sort it out. I sat on the couch, texted my rage to a friend, then I calmed down and just started packing up since we were leaving in the morning. After about 30 minutes of me not coming in he came into the livingroom/kitchen to start passively aggressively ignoring me whilst slamming cups to get water etc...wanting a rise...but I just ignored him. Then an hour later I was packing up the bathroom and cheerily asked ''Do you need the shower stuff tonight or shall I pack it away'' to which he snottily replied ''I will buy my own!'' with as much venom as he could muster. I giggled to myself as I thought of the absurdity of it and carried on.

The next morning was the day we were leaving..he of course was still moody from the night before, probably because I never came in to continue anything with him...he probably felt ignored or...unfulfilled in that ''I want to fight'' way. But I carried on asking the kids if they had a good holiday, talking about the drive back...and basically ignoring his fuming mood vibes. After he ate he seemed to let it go. Then it was him trying to be the hero...he wanted to do all the driving back because ''I would be tired'' and he likes driving...and really there felt like some sort of ….trying to make himself important undercurrent. ???

Anyway the kids passed out and he started some of the most weird conversations I have dealt with in a while. We touched on finances a little bit, and that lead on to him getting his own place. I said ''That would be good, maybe then you can take the kids more, but it would be best if your friend wasn't there at the time'' to which he responded ''Well I can't stay single forever'' and my brain exploded with HAHAHAHAHAHA you are MARRIED, and having an AFFAIR! HOW THE FECK ARE YOU SINGLE...dude you are like double not single?! But I said ''You aren't single now''....and he quickly changed the subject.....to you guessed it...me and S. ''So are you seeing anyone, is it that S guy....is it not weird you guys met in the game we were all playing....How old is he, where does he live,'' on and on ….''Is he nice to you...is he funny...is he this is he that''. At some point I stopped giving basic vague answers and just started to let him answer himself. Then he came out with ''Was he okay with you coming on this holiday?'' to which I said ''I have been very honest about my situation and status, so of course he was'' and Beast gave me a face like he didn't believe that. So I quipped ''I imagine you were getting choked with your leash about coming'' and he said ''Yeah well it wasn't a popular idea'' then I burst out laughing and said ''What a time to lose your phone eh?!'' and I was unable to stop the rolling laughter. He raised an eyebrow and said ''I guess it would be funny if it happened to someone else...''. I contained myself and just said ''Well good luck with that when you get back, I am sure it is going to be easy to explain going on holiday with your wife and kids, and that your phone magically broke'' and I was rolling again...and he even managed a smirk surprisingly.

Later I got these stupid ''I need a broken person because I am broken'' type speeches. I wonder if that means he thought I was broken before, but now I am not.....or did he break so couldn't be with me since I wasn't broken. Who knows. But it was very clear from what he was saying that he thinks she is a crazy broken mess just like him. And there was like this undercurrent...of him not wanting to break me with his brokenness. But he never said her name, or spoke of her directly, or give her a title. She is just a broken person...he is ''single''...these are the statuses he attributes to himself which was interesting.

At one point I did make an effort to thank him for coming. Some people will not agree with that, some people will think that is weak or I shouldn't thank him for doing his job as a dad. But from my point of view he had a psycho girlfriend (yes that's his fault) and his wife (who he hurt) and his kids (who he hurt) and his own anxieties and fears to battle. It couldn't have been an easy decision to risk coming on a holiday, where he would be isolated...where I could have torn him shred to shred if I wanted...to risk the wrath of his psycho girlfriend. So I just said ''Thank you for coming on the holiday. I know it meant a lot to the kids, particularly daughter as she has been struggling.'' and that is all I said but it was enough. He said ''Yeah thats why I came. That and I didn't want you doing it by yourself''. Then he joked about the headache he has gotten from it all. I silently thought about that being in the fine print of the affair documents but whatever.

It was interesting to note...that he called in sick after we got back from holiday. Guess his girlfriend still wasn't impressed with not hearing from him, so he is playing hooky to hide out.

Anyway overall I was okay. It didn't have any real emotional impact on me. I thought it might have affected me more. But really the behaviour he shows is so erratically back and forth that you can tell he is still no where near done. He is still a mess in every sense of the word, and no where near where he needs to be to be in my life.

I imagine the holiday was much harder for him. He was expecting me to be angry, hurt, full of venom..or begging to have him back or something. But I wasn't and he didn't expect that. He was swinging back and forth between how things used to be, seeing the reality of how our dynamic has changed now...that I am not longer emotionally linked to him...he can't trigger me or get a rise. I am just not interested. I could feel it, he could feel it. And boy he wasn't liking it.

Overall though I am glad he came. I didn't have any emotional fall out. Daughter is really happy, shes been eating with no problems since...so it has really helped her in a way she needed. And if the bonus is OW is pissed and losing her $h!te...well I am okay with that.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: stillbaffled on July 13, 2018, 07:29:53 AM
Good to have you back, Morte.  Sounds like the holiday was a success (or as much of one as it could be under the circumstances!). 

You keep being the parent that is the rock.  You're doing a great job.   :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on July 13, 2018, 07:54:58 AM
Oh man Mort, the play by play was excellent!

Classic MLC cycling from day to day.  Each day he was different.  Then somehow goes back to caring hubby.
Very strange behavior indeed.  I'm glad none of it effected you.  Good for you detaching like that and letting sh!t roll off.

I think it was nice of you to thank him.  I would have too.  It wasn't like you gushed over him, just a simple thanks for coming, it was nice for the kids.

Bet he was in deep doo doo when he got back.  heh, heh, heh ;D ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on July 13, 2018, 07:58:40 AM
Glad there were no fatalities especially by your doing on the vacay!

Still following along!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mitzpah on July 13, 2018, 08:55:54 AM
Mort,

You really did well!

I hope you are feeling well after all that  :)

I think it was good to thank him - just the way you did.

I agree with others, you are being the parent your children need!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 14, 2018, 02:48:22 AM
Thanks for following along guys. It is definitely a confused pendulum for him. You can literally watch it swing back and forth every 10 minutes.

16 year old skittles eating self centred teenage mutant MLCer   vs   30+ year old man he used to be.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: serenity on July 14, 2018, 03:15:02 AM
Hello Morte,

By the sound of things, you sounded like you did well to keep your cool! I think I would have throttled him!

I hope you enjoyed it despite it sounding stressful quite a lot of the time?

Hugs

X
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: GonerinGhana on July 14, 2018, 04:19:46 AM
Mort-There is SO MUCH in what you wrote that reminds me of my H that I really think they were twins separated at birth.

He may not be where he needs to be to be in your life right now but if he is anything like my H, he doesn't want to be out of your life and he will probably start to find his way back to you sooner or later. He's really attached to you, needs you and cares about you. That's really obvious in what you write, believe it or not. You've got one of these MLCers who is superglued to you. He's just got some childhood issues that are interfering with that right now. That's just my gut feeling based on what I am seeing with my H now. You can't get this guy out of your life even if you wanted to.  ;D

We were away from MIL for two months (starting at the beginning of April) and he started to act more like himself during that time. It confirmed to me that she was a big part of the problem, just like your MIL is. He slipped back into the fog right before we returned home, and we had a huge huge blowup about two weeks ago where both he AND MIL (!) wanted to throw me out, and I said go ahead, I dare you, you control everything and you are free to do what you want. I don't want it, but it's your choice if you want it.

But then the next day, he made a complete U-turn and has come roaring back in the past two weeks in that he is finally starting to get his act together with both me and his own life in terms of acting responsibly and showing/telling me that he trusts me and respects me again. Not out of the tunnel but he's definitely at the stage that HB calls the first awakening where she says they start making the changes they should have made years ago.

Keep doing what you are doing: giving him space, not letting monster rattle you, but also making it clear he act respectfully and responsibly. It may take time for him to actually act respectfully and responsibly, but I think you have a good chance of him doing so eventually because I think deep down he wants you all to be a family again.

I know I am supposed to say you shouldn't have any expectations but really I have hope for you guys and I'm not afraid to say it.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Reinventing on July 14, 2018, 04:30:26 AM
Morte, you are a professional LBS. I am impressed and think that you'll change those dynamics that you didn't like (e.g. the placating) when he is normal again. You have a great way of getting to the central point with him on important issues in a really clear way.

He may have 5 cell phones on him next time.

For his temper in the morning before eating, that sounds a lot like fasting glucose level problems. Some people eat a teaspoon or more of peanut butter at night to help their morning blood levels. A test of his fasting glucose levels and also monitor glucose after a meal would be helpful to see if this is the reason for his morning grumpy pattern.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on July 14, 2018, 04:47:22 AM
That was a great recap, Morte and very inspirational!  I'm so glad you let him cycle all on his own.  It's interesting to watch, isn't it?  When you don't get involved yourself, and just detach and observe, it's a lot easier to see this breakdown really doesn't have anything to do with you.  I just love love love that he lost his phone in the beginning!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Nerissa on July 14, 2018, 05:53:26 AM
I am impressed at the way you handled it too.  We went on a family holiday after H left.  It was so hard for almost 3 weeks!

I too get the “Ow and I are two damaged people”. I think it is teenage dramatics and self pity. You are meant to be Mum and listen.  My H has always had a touch of drama.  I remember when we were young he said he had nt thought about being ‘grown up’ Because he thought he would t love past 25.  I indulged him while wondering what the heck he was on about.  I mean 25 year olds didn’t just die  in the 1980s.  I think he thought himself like James Dean.

When dramatising his affair , he is  more like  Heathcliff.  One day, now I’ve afopped responding like a cut price Cathy, I’ll have to wail Wuthering  Heights a la  Kate Bush
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 14, 2018, 05:57:12 AM
Welcome along guys ^_^

I just wanted to say that I had a surprising reaction to your post Goner. Before I would have been over the moon for someone to tell me that he loves me, that he is attached me, that he wants to be a family again. That would have made me feel immensely better in the first...I dunno 8 months or something of this. Now my reaction is a bit like 'Meh' with a shrug, along with 'I'm not sure if I still will''.

Everything you said was really nice, and inspirational in terms of standing etc. I just thought it was very interesting my reaction to it, and figured I would note it down for myself  and anyone else. I guess it marks some sort of internal transition has happened.

I guess elusive time will tell right.  ::)


Reinventing I have only been at this like.. 10 months or so now so I am not a professional LBS by any means! But thanks for the compliment.  8)

Funny story he got himself a new phone so I got this text: ''Beast here. This is my new number.''
I responded: ''Ok. Morte here. This is my old number.  ;) ''
He replied with the unimpressed emoji face! Bwahahahahaha.

Just a little funny for you all to enjoy for the day.

Nerissa Beast is always on about how he won't live past 40. Said that for like the last ...I dunno 10 years or something.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Lioness on July 14, 2018, 06:40:04 AM
Waouh Morte, you my friend are so brave! Your H’s kind of cycling would have sent me spinning straight! But you kept yourself together and even managed to laugh at some bits!! Really, you are so detached he must have felt it too!
I am glad to see you all survived him! I felt sad for your boy because it reminded me of H about 6 months in MLC. He was obsessed with spending more time with S5 than S2 and it was becoming problematic! I think in his head he really didn’t see himself as the father of S2 possibly because he was already in MLC by the time he was born! I don’t know uti feel like my H had a pattern where certain bits of reality just disappear.
Your recap reminded me of last summer (1 year post BD) and a few weeks after he lost his custody battle against me (lol) when H wrote to my aunt (who is like my mom because she raised me after my parents died) that the kids “are in better hands with Lioness”. So basically he was now in agreement only a few months after he sued me for child abuse! He now saw himself as not good enough for the kids but I finally was. My head is still hurting trying to make sense of that one!

Anyway, I hope you are feeling settled and thatyour boy is also recovered from his dad’s weirdness! A strange thing has now happened in my house where my oldest and arguably H’s favorite doesn’t really care for him anymore. He barely wants to talk to him now and it is the youngest who chats on and on with him. Go figure! For me, I really don’t care much about what H did to me. I am a big girl and I cantakr it. But seeing MLC playout in my kids lives, watching helplessly as he robs them of their innocence and (emotional, financial and physical) security, that is the stuff I can’t get over with! So I applaud you for thanking your H for coming on holidays. That is so magnanimous!!

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on July 14, 2018, 06:49:27 AM
Mort you are too funny!   ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: GonerinGhana on July 14, 2018, 07:35:48 AM
Mort-I'm not surprised by your reaction. It's normal. I am obviously standing and want a future with my H but also there are red lines that if he crosses them I would be the one to walk away. But I don't let him know what they are, at least not directly. I would rather give him the chance to do the right thing on his own.

I just think there are some MLCers like ours who say a lot of crap that on the surface makes it seem like they want to be rid of us but they also say and do things that show that they really want to do the right thing by us. I'd describe it as "doing their best" under the circumstances. That he was willing to go on vacation with you to keep the kids happy and incur the wrath of OW, that he was worried about you driving alone, carrying your child so you didn't hurt your back, these are all ACTIONS of someone who cares.

Oh and the smirking about OW, dead giveaway that she means NOTHING to him.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on July 14, 2018, 10:01:26 AM
Seems like you're feeling more like you, Morte, up off your knees, humour back and thinking about your own goals...and Beast v2 just doesn't look like he has much to offer the woman you are becoming now. I guess it depends if you see any big signs of the original version in the coming months maybe...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: FaithWalker on July 15, 2018, 04:17:00 PM
Attaching.  Interesting vacation, for sure.  Sad about middle S.   :(
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on July 15, 2018, 10:42:47 PM
Great Job on handling the Holiday Mort.
The telephone falling in the Toilet was just perfect in every sence. It must have done his head in  ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on July 16, 2018, 04:38:20 AM
Following along Morte. Glad yall had a good vacation overall.
I know little beastie boy could have been better. But , he is a MLCer.
Yes, you handled all the drama like a pro Morte. Good for you. Normal crap, cycling back and forth, different daily. That is so frustrating.  Morte I agree H is wanting back in. All it takes is him to see what he misses and he has to act out. Be a butthole. That's how rebellious  teens do. They can't handle real life just yet. But he has step up.
Steady as you are Morte. You are doing a great job. Your soing.best for you and your kids, and believe it or not, you are doing the best for your H too!(You may not care, but you are. Haha)
Glad your back. I've been missing a few good laughs , not seeing.your post.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 16, 2018, 06:26:35 AM
Thanks guys.

That was really nice to hear Helping.

For some time there I was feeling really lost and confused. Not about me, but I guess my place here. When this was all new this place saved my sanity and probably my life.

I needed someone to understand how crazy this was. Who understood all the emotions and pain. God I needed that so much. I wanted answers to questions that aren't even...answerable.

But now, I don't know where I fit anymore. I don't know if I am standing, or if I have already quit standing.

I don't feel that deep sorrowful pain anymore. I don't cry myself to sleep at night. I don't hang on to every story for a glimmer of hope, because that means I too have hope.

I just......let it all go. It just didn't matter anymore.

I have always been really sensitive to other peoples pain and emotion. I can pick it up off 'vibes' when I walk in a room or hear someone speak....and when I read all these stories of pain, sorrow, grief....I think it affects me more than most people. At the same time I feel the emotional drain it makes me want to help with humour and laughter...and try to fix someones pain...if only for a little bit. Hello fixer 101.  ::)

But just about the time I decided I was really okay with being alone. That it didn't matter anymore if he came back, because I wasn't sure I wanted the man he is now back...

S comes tropping in making me question everything I think I know. Was everything as great as I thought it was, or did I just not know what I was missing? I was with Beast since I was 16. What the hell do I know really?

But at the same time I am holding myself back behind a wall of steel. I question everything in my head. Even if I do feel something is that just limerance? Is that just the new love that MLCers feel with their affair partner? Would it wear off in a year or two and you would realise you were only with them because you were lonely and they were there.

I don't know...they aren't really ''stander topics'' right? I mean I have definitely entered into some grey area. But I think I have been here for a while. Probably since Beast confirmed it was a PA, and sank down on my kitchen floor...and told me his family and kids weren't worth fighting for because he ''couldn't be bothered''.

That day just broke something that I can't fix.

Now there is this new dynamic at play that is making me wonder about so much. What was missing between us? What was it that I gave up of myself? What is it that I really need now and in the future? What do I expect from people and relationships? How much of this pain can I truly forgive?

Anyway...I am in this whirlwind right now..and just don't know if I can advise people or offer support when my head is this hurricane of questions, what if's and daily change of perspective.

But I can say that the pain of it has definitely dissipated. I still seem to have little moments of sadness or anger, triggers of things. But I go to sleep okay at night, I wake up okay in the morning...I smile and laugh, and shake my ass in the kitchen while I wash the dishes.

I KNOW that I did everything I could. I did more than most would. I fought for us harder than he did...that's for sure. I put up with a lot of emotional abuse, neglect...and was even ready to work on our marriage after the unforgiveable PA. But...the ''I can't be bothered to fight for my family'' $h!te...Ugh.

I can love an imperfect man. I can love a man who is weak in certain areas. But I can not love this man.

In terms of the OW I actually don't hate her. I don't direct any emotion to her really. Deep down I know that all she did was help destroy the man he was. Everything else is on him. He made his choices. He let himself do what he did. He continues to chose this path. No one can make you do anything. It is always a choice.

But I will manically laugh every time one of them gets smacked with a Karma bus.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on July 16, 2018, 06:32:59 AM
Me too.   ;D 8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on July 16, 2018, 07:12:04 AM
Morte at the time frame you are, it's normal to have feelings you do.
But its good to feel the I JUST LET IT GO FEELING.
Also , I remember around one year mark I was talking to thunder, I told her I felt as I I was in EA with a woman. I didn't know what I was feeling. Thunder said just be careful, your both weak emotionally. Just go real slow.
Well Morte, I did. Nothing happenned but it turned into an amazing friendship.  It's all part of it I think Morte. We will question all aspects of our life. The real one will win in the long run.
Hang in there Morte.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Kitty on July 16, 2018, 08:03:51 AM
Attaching and following along Morte.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on July 16, 2018, 08:48:41 AM
Morte, you will choose if HS continues to help or hurt.
IMHO - perhaps not universally welcome  ::) - I don't think this is a place just for standers or maybe standers. I think it's a place for folks suffering and then adapting to a life changed by an unrecognisable spouse in crisis. The truth is, as far as I can see, there is no way back to our old life and reconciliations are a) a small minority and b) incredibly hard work. Whether the spouse wants back in or the LBS does...and both often seem to get to a point where one or the other can't open the door or hold it open any longer.

So, reality is that most of us here have lost our loved ones, are dealing with a weird unpleasant version of them and figuring out how to rebuild our own lives, hearts and families regardless.

Everything you are feeling and chewing on and guarding yourself from is part of the LBS journey isn't it? And IMHO it helps just as much to see hope in a rebuilt life as hope in reconciliation, maybe more as that is what most of us will face. And you're darn funny and a fab karma bus driver!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 17, 2018, 04:06:27 AM
Quote from:
I don't think this is a place just for standers or maybe standers. I think it's a place for folks suffering and then adapting to a life changed by an unrecognisable spouse in crisis. The truth is, as far as I can see, there is no way back to our old life and reconciliations are a) a small minority and b) incredibly hard work. Whether the spouse wants back in or the LBS does...and both often seem to get to a point where one or the other can't open the door or hold it open any longer.

^^^^^^^
WORD!

Mort, everything that you are feeling is perfectly normal...

I too have reached that place of "OK, whatever. You are going to do what you are going to do." The difference for me is that I am no longer getting twisted up about it....

Like I said, her papers from the court were waiting for me when I got back from vacation and the gut punch lasted about 15 minutes.  After that it was back to normal.. What caught her off was that I refused the following day 2 different "Let's Play Happy Family" offers...

She and the kids are at the airport at this moment getting ready to fly off on HER vacation. Can't wait to see how that goes - she'll get them into the Kids Care at the hotel so she can have her time to do whatever. I was with them 24x7 on my vacation and we DID stuff together. S remarked after their vaca last year that he didn't know what she was doing all the time that they were in the kids club....

Our last "family vaca" was a total disaster so I am in NO mood to repeat it...

I am sure that Beast will be sucking up to OW now as soon as he gets the Cojones to pop his head out... The phone in the toilet story is a riot....
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 18, 2018, 12:06:46 PM
Well today I finally took the financial leap. I been waiting for this magical bank papers to appear...still no sign. ::)

But the Tax credit papers were in and due for renewal by July 31st. Times up.

Called them, they are shutting off the couple stuff, signing me up for single mom dom stuff...but there is a 3 week gap between for processing times...so I might have to dip into my inheritence pot to tide me over....

But the financial band aid is ripped wide off.

Congrats Beasty boy! You are about to get your whole pay check - child maintenance. Hope it buys you the happiness you still haven't found. ;)

He didn't seemed pleased by the news...in fact...he seemed gobsmacked and a bit sad.

I was polite, matter of fact...to the point. ''As discussed I have now phoned them, I gave them X date as our date of financial separation. if you want single man dom stuff you need to call yourself. The weekly budget is shut off until it is all processed, I will be buying food and stuff on my own credit card, you will need to sort your own stuff out...Everything should be processed and calm so that by Sept you can move your pay check into your own account - maintenance. It might also be a good idea for us to get an official paper for visitation and maintenance to protect us both.''

What's that? Oh yes reality? Oh so sorry... after 10 months you probably should have sorted out your own bank account, but I am tired of waiting...tired of relying on you. Now you get to spin a new story on how you are such a 'great guy' you still give your paycheck to your 'ex wife' or whatever I am to him now.  ::)

Take your pay check, shove it up your... and get on with your lies somewhere else.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Tyks on July 18, 2018, 12:14:47 PM
Sorry morte, you probably are not laughing but you so gave me a smile on a low day with the way you write things. I hope this financial split works out better for you :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on July 18, 2018, 12:15:34 PM
Makes sense, Morte
Good for you.
Not at all surprised that Beasty Boy was rather gobsmacked by the real world and the return of Ms Kick A$$ Morte  ;)...I expect more whining on the horizon with a side-order of 'Yous won't find wittier than me' etc  ::)...'well, mebbe so, Beasty, but as my age limit starts at 25, I'll just have to tough it out LOL'
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on July 18, 2018, 12:19:31 PM
Sounds like Beasty Boy has pushed little ball of fire too much.
You go Morte.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mae on July 18, 2018, 09:22:19 PM
Another one applauding your decision to move on and be entirely in control of your life. Good for you!

I bet it's something of a shock for him, he thought you would be content with limbo land while he 'fluffs' around doing what he likes.

He will see you moving on and that you don't need him one little bit.

I shouldn't but I feel really sorry for him and for what he has lost.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 19, 2018, 02:05:32 AM
Tyks: You are incorrect...I was laughing...internally anyway. Very rarely am I not to be fair. Humour gets you through dark stuff. But I am glad I gave you a giggle.  :-*

Treasur: A side order of 'You won't find wittier than me' HA HA yeap...that made me busta gut laughing. It is oh so true. Honestly well played. 8)

Helping: He hasn't really ticked me off, I am just well past the done stage of relying on the unreliable. At first it was all so shocking and new...I just needed a minute to catch my barings. Then I spent some time deciding if I wanted to stay here or go. Now that all that is done...I just want to be free. In every way that I can be anyway.

Mae: On the way back from the holiday he specifically (in terms of D word) said ''I am happy with things the way that they are'' and my instant reaction was to think....well of course you are ::)...you think you are single and have a family at the same time. But I didn't react because I knew after the holiday that I was going to do this, I told him I was....he probably didn't believe me. To bad for him I stick by what I say. Always have. ;)

And you are right. I feel sorry for him too. Now I can say that, without tears filling my eyes like it used to. I did everything I could for him while we were together, more than I should have. To be told everything I had done, and gave wasn't worth fighting for because ''he couldn't be bothered'' was the biggest knife I have felt in my life. Ever.  >:(

But that moment changed something in me. Maybe I red buttoned him on an emotional level. I no longer care for his excuses, or whys...I no longer try to convince myself that what he is doing doesn't mean anything because he is sick. I don't know...Maybe it will hurt our chances of reconciliation later because ''I gave up to early'', or maybe me giving up will help him move along faster....or maybe he will be stuck forever in this man child existence. ::)

I really don't know. I hope for my kids sake he gets his $h!te together. But I don't go to bed dreaming about the day he comes home any more. I don't know if I don't want that, or I just...I don't deal in maybes and what ifs. He is not here. He is not the man he was. He is not the man I want right now. So..I will carry on regardless of what ifs and maybes...

I go to sleep knowing I was a great wife, an excellent best friend, and about 90% of the adult in our relationship. Nah was talking about sacrificing her own stuff so that the family could have what they wanted. I have been there. So many times walking around in a 8 year old shirt, hiding the hole in the sleeve....so he could have another video game. I know that life. I never complained. I stood in the kitchen washing my 3rd load of dishes, in my holey shirt, listening to my husband laugh with the kids...and I was happy. I was terribly happy, for at least 13 of the 14 years. I do not regret that 13 years. I do not regret standing by him for a year of hell before BD. I do not regret the last 10 months, of waiting for him to try and get better.

But...I am an impatient Aries with big plans for my life. And they do not involve an every other weekend, bmx riding, dead beat who ''can't be bothered'' to fight for his wife and kids.

Wow I didn't expect that, I was just coming on to reply....but that's how these things go right? The feelings just start flowing.

Have a good day guys.  ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on July 19, 2018, 02:36:41 AM
So much of what you said hit home with me. I now feel both liberated and peaceful. I like where i am now.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 19, 2018, 03:50:33 AM
Exactly.....

There comes a time when we get to the point where we look at the wreck they have become and the mess they have made and say
(https://media.giphy.com/media/vwFtHUSvIjcoU/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: No expectations on July 19, 2018, 01:40:24 PM
 Attaching,  Bride.  I loved your journaling about the vacation,  particularly the phone lol.  You really are doing well.   Big hugs!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 20, 2018, 03:10:22 AM
Had a weird dream last night that kinda made me laugh so thought I would share.

I dreamed Beast turned up, with all his former charm, and wit...and deep soulful staring in the eyes business that he does when he wants something. He was saying all the things I wanted to hear back at the beginning of this. How much he really loved me, and his family, and had made a huge mistake...and trying on his moves.

I basically looked at him like  ??? and said ''Why are you really here, suddenly wanting everything back?''

And he dropped the charming mask, and looked absolutely pitiful and he said ''I can see how the happiness is pouring out of you, and I am jealous of how happy you are...and that you and 'Armondo' are going all these places, and having so much fun''.  :o

Now Beast gives monikers to people, so I guess Armondo is meant to be S?

I don't know it was crazy but it really gave me a good laugh.  ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on July 20, 2018, 04:03:23 AM
Hi Mort,

I think you have just moved to a place many LBS's get to after awhile.
This whole nonsense just gets to be a little ridiculous.  You've turned yourself inside out too many times, for too long, and something just snaps.

You no longer want it and wonder why you ever did.
Maybe it's detachment, maybe it's acceptance, but you just feel done.

I think your financial move is a good one.  Let him take complete care of himself. 

Sounding good, sweetie.   :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 21, 2018, 12:28:26 AM
So yesterday I What's Apped Beast the only photo of him and the kids on Holiday. Three kids sitting and he is hugging them, and I am taking the picture.

This morning I wake up, and he has put it as his new Fakebook profile...and everyone is liking it, including OW, and saying ''Lovely photo'', ''they are getting so big..'' type $h!te.

And I really just want to punch him in the throat.  >:(

Logged out of Fakebook and get on with my day.

P.S. Why does he still have all our couple photos on there?! Figured he would have deleted me from his digital life by now.  :o
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on July 21, 2018, 07:26:41 AM
Mort,

Reminds me of when my H joined a dating site and used a picture "I" took of him while we were camping.   >:(
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Puzzled on July 21, 2018, 07:56:40 AM
I think that some MLCers, including mine, love to present themselves as being a great parent.  Maybe they want to create an illusion of normalcy (they "just" left the spouse because of incompatibility, they did not abandon the kids), also for themselves, albeit they probably know that they are behaving very poorly as parents.  My H has become the king of selfies and starts snapping photos of himself and D10 sometimes even when hugging her to greet her...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 23, 2018, 01:51:09 AM
Had BIL (16) over for the first time since back in Jan.

It was nice to catch up with him. He followed me room to room, keen to talk to me. It made me feel a little bad about having turned him away over the last few months. But being a straight shooter I just said to him that I hope he knows it wasn't to do with him, that I just needed space and time to myself after everything. He seemed to understand and there were no hard feelings. He gave me a huge hug when he left, which was nice.

We just chatted about music and things a 16 year old does. He did tell me about him and Beast going away to that concert. Apparently the day of the concert spirits were high and they had a good time....but the day before and after were a complete nightmare. Beast was complaining of a head ache, he was sick to his stomach, didn't want to do anything besides sit in the hotel room...then at the train station...then at the airport. So the entire Sunday they spent sitting around moaning about life. I really couldn't help but feel both pity for BIL and laugh hysterically at the typical Beast behaviour. Apparently they have both agreed that a trip down there is never happening again.  :D

I got a text from Beast asking about the garden...hinting around about it getting cut....so I sent him a picture of my cut garden (that I did myself  8)). He then said something like ''Looks pretty good. You dying?''...and I replied ''Nope. Finished the garden, hoovered the car...now doing the kids rooms''.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on July 23, 2018, 06:55:12 AM
You go Morte….you are finding your inner strength and it is coming on hard, fast and super strong!  So happy for you!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 28, 2018, 01:51:26 AM
Things are mostly quiet. Last few times I was dropping off/picking up kids...there was ..I dunno...interest? on his part...not so much on mine.  ::)

For example him following us out to the car to talk more than we could with me just going to the door. Asking me questions, and making small chat. Commenting on my new shirt, asking what it said ....like what did you forget how to read bro?!  ???

But I have arrived at SS. Don't give a F ...not in a bad way...just in a can't be bothered way.

After I called to sort out the Child Benefits...and the financial ball is nearly 2 weeks rolling..he finally managed to go into the bank to make an account. He called to ask if he can use this address. I guess he still doesn't want the world to know he doesn't live here.  ::)

They sent out what feels like his bank card, so I sent him a picture saying I think that is what it is, but I haven't opened it. He joked and wanted me to open it. I replied ''Not opening it. Not my business. Give it to you tomorrow'' and he sent a gif back saying  ''not sure if serious or sarcastic'' to which I replied ''Take a guess'' -with a laughing emoji.

Fakebook decided to have a laugh with me...and on suggested friends it had OW. HA HA HA! Oh fake book what a joker you are. ;D So I clicked her profile and she hadn't changed her picture since well before this $h!te all started. Anyway...low and behold she changed her picture recently. And Skittles princess...who is what 21 years old...is standing by herself in front of the Disney land castle wearing a mini mouse hat. And I swear to God my honest reaction was to A. laugh at how hysterically ridiculous it is, and B. slightly wonder if Beast isn't on some sort of borderline here :o. Anyway I know he wasn't there with her because at the time he was playing PS4 with son. So I guess it was another family trip to Disney land! YIPPE!!!! Then back home to F a married 34 year old. As you do.  :o
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Milly on July 29, 2018, 04:23:02 AM
Oh, Morte, your H is really an MLCer straight of the manual, and so is his OW, by the the sounds of it! Really enjoy reading your threads. Your humour is brilliant. Great start to my day with your thread, I hope that doesn't sound awful, I just mean that you manage to write about our bad stuff in a way that makes it become much less heavy. Plus not to mention that you are the best karma bus driver in the world!

Regarding you taking charge on the separation of the accounts, I think that was a very smart move. First to protect yourself, and secondly because you took charge of your life in that one step. I'm suuuure he was gob smacked. They think we're sweet, little weak Morties and Millies just like before. They think they got us. But we are changing. It was a very strong boundary.

Interesting that he didn't monster after that but came back almost gentler in the grass cutting exchange you just had.

Nice you reconnected with your nephew.

Have a lovely Sunday.



Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on July 29, 2018, 05:29:03 AM
Not sure Morte but for the financial stuff/benefits etc, would it be better for you if he no longer uses the address for his post?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on July 31, 2018, 03:06:59 AM
Milly- it was my brother in law (BIL) not nephew but thanks. It is a bit weird since he is 16 but whatever lol.

Treasur- I have no idea about the post situation. Currently I don't care where his post goes. I assume at some point it will matter, but right now I need him to have a bank account. If he has to phone them up and change address later...that's his problem.




Today is not a MLCer related post. The only thing happening with him is me co-parenting with his mom (by this I mean arranging next days picks up and drop offs) while he was standing the background with his thumb up his... ::)

No this doesn't happen most of the time, but said day he is working until 7 pm and I need the kids watched from 3 pm so I was clearing it with both of them...in the same spot...at the same time.  ::)

I came on here to post about my mom actually. I have mentioned before she is diagnosed bipolar and ...several other things. But she put a post on Fakebook about:
''I just need someone to hug me and tell me I am not as worthless as I think I am'' type of deal.

And before I thought about it (I normally don't reply to these things on Fakebook, as I see them as a drama attention thing..) but I replied:

''You don't need anyone to tell you, you aren't worthless. You gotta know you aren't worthless, regardless of what other people think.''

Anyway it just came out...and I am sure it is because of being here, and learning and growing. And I thought that maybe that would help someone here. Someone who is feeling worthless or alone, because all LBS have been there.

Have a good day guys.  :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Milly on July 31, 2018, 02:57:59 PM
Nice one, Morte!xxx
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 04, 2018, 04:45:26 AM
Little guy turns 3 today. As all parents tend to say it feels like it came along quickly.

I took the kids out for breakfast this morning, and Beast decided to show up. I had text to ask if he was wanting to see his son on his birthday, he came back with some excuses or whatever about working until late, could he come round in the morning. I replied I was taking the kids for breakfast at this restaurant at a specific time...then we were going somewhere else. He was welcome to pop round there if he so chose. To my surprise he did.

He was late of course, but I had already ordered everyone's breakfast...including one for him since he text he was coming. I had a coupon where if I bought a main meal, kid got one for a pound..so I wasn't to worried if he didn't show. 3 kids would easily make short work of his breakfast if he didn't.  ;)

Anyway he came in looking rough as F. Hair was a mess, looked sickly, wearing a hoody, t shirt, and jogger bottoms. This was something he would never have done before. This man used to spend 15 minutes in the mirror doing his hair.   ::) It was an actual running joke, because he would run inside if it was raining so he didn't mess his hair up. Now he is sitting a restaurant full of people without so much as wax or gel or anything in it.  :o

He was mostly quiet, making a small amount of chat with the kids. A few times I said something...familiar...and he grinned a little. But mostly he looked...depressed. No other word for it. Sniffing his mushrooms and potatoes for garlic...moving his egg around the plate...staring at the table for the most part. Really sad to see to be honest.  :-\

The whole thing didn't bother me emotionally. It was a bit sad to see how...run down.. he looked. The fact that he isn't helping himself. But it was nice that he turned up, as even that is not an expectation with these MLCers.

There was discussion about next weekend. I am going down to Manchester for two nights, so Beast is staying in the house to watch the dog and the three kids. Logistically it makes sense because 3 kids + Him + MIL +BIL + Dog in a 2 bedroom flat would be a nightmare. But on a more personal level it fills me with a little bit of invasion of privacy...kinda feel. But if I want to go...there isn't many other options. So I will pack up the things I don't want looked at or nicked (birth certificates, journals, personal value items) in a box/bag and stick it in my locked car or over at my friends house.

Part of me is worried that he could flob the kids at his mom's and sneak OW over. But I estimate that is in the 3% category because, 1. He knows I would go bat $h!te and lose it with him, 2. The kids will tell me if they go to granny's, 3. He is probably looking forward to not being stuck with MIL, 4. Doubt skittles would like the idea, 5. He knows he would never be allowed back in the house again, 6. My dog would not like a stranger in the house. So feeling like it is just my monkey brain setting me off.

Worst case he has completely melted his brain, he does bring her over, there won't be anything worth stealing...just OW taint in my house....I will bleach everything...then he will never be allowed back in my house again. So whatever. Manchester here I come.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on August 04, 2018, 05:23:47 AM
Morte - Regarding Skittles, my gut says it won't happen.  I don't think he is brazen enough to do that to you.  Don't know why...that is just me based on your writings.  I think he still respects you as the mother of his children and he would not totally disrespect you by Tasting the Rainbow in your home.  If you want some double assurances, suggest BIL hang out the weekend too at the house to help support H while he cares for the children.  Plus you know the innocence from the kids would let you know what they did over the days you were gone.

That being said, I think it is good to take precautionary measures to get important stuff out of the home.  I did the same thing when H would H sit and dog sit for me.

Enjoy your time away....you deserve it!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 14, 2018, 05:19:02 AM
Weekend away to Manchester for two nights was pretty fantastic to be honest, apart from the train drivers deciding they didn't have to work a Sunday...thus me trying to get all my connecting trains stress etc.  >:(

When I got home it was pretty late, but the house was clean, kids were fed and in bed.  :o Then he shouted me up...and he has repainted daughter's room. Now before if he did this, there would be mess everywhere, paint on the carpet, all the old pictures and stickers would be in the bin...and nothing else would be done because you know...he painted so the rest of the house went to hell. ::)

This time I noticed how much he was looking at me for my approval, with colour choice, the fact he repainted the trim....he took her bed apart and put it back together, he saved the decorative stickers I loved by putting them on the bedroom door all nice....he then informed me he had fixed the upstairs sink, was going to do the garden but it was raining...asked about my weekend. God it was a glimmer of who he used to be....long time ago. After I said it looked nice and caught up he went away on his bike. I went into the kitchen and noticed he had bought me instant coffee and a cake left on the counter.  ???

Daughter said he slept on the couch. Doesn't look like he went in my bedroom at all by the look of things. Not noticed anything missing yet, and important things were safe in the car so...I think it was a success?

In other news he has started to say that this will be the last month of shared finances etc...which is interesting because I told him that like 3 months ago...but nice that he has decided it is now his decision. ::)

My best guess is ...he is going to keep telling me he is living with mother dearest...but probably going to look at renting a room or something with skittles at some point. I mean it has been almost a year...surely that is what they both need to feel like they are progressing right?!

I am not a stupid woman. I know how this $h!te goes.  ;)

In other news I am excited schools start back next week...though I need to get all the school uniforms. Ugh.

In terms of S things are nice. He is funny, caring, thoughtful, and super affectionate. But I can't help but feel there is a missing piece. I reflected on it a bit but couldn't figure out what that piece is.

Is it something missing in me now...that I can't fully give myself over to someone yet because I am not ready...or maybe I never will be able to again? Maybe that little piece will always be missing.

Is it something missing in S that is making me feel this way? Something essential that I can't put my finger on, or something dysfunctional that I am used to not being there?

Maybe the missing piece is what comes with 14 years of familiarity with a person. Knowing their every face and mood and thought without needing to speak a word.

I really don't know. I am not experienced here. This whole situation is dysfunctional from the start and I have just let go of the side of the river bank and I am just floating down the river on my dingy.  8)

But I do feel a piece is missing. And I feel terrible. Terribly bad that I can't just love someone great like S...in the same way I loved Beast. Is that my fault? Or S? Or the fact that me and Beast were ''meant to be''?

Or....is that missing piece just the naivety of first fairy tale love... a piece that never comes back when you get your heart shattered by your husband.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on August 14, 2018, 06:53:43 AM
Ever think that the missing piece is because you may still have one foot in the past and trying to take a step into the future and you are not quite ready for it....yet?


This is my personal feelings that I won't even consider moving on until I am healed and the past is the past.  Not gonna carry baggage into the future...with anyone!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Philadelphiagirl on August 14, 2018, 07:03:18 AM
Hi Morte, I was thinking the same as Sam. I got chatting to a guy the other week and within minutes I was comparing him to my H, I know that I will not be ready to move on until I am healed (as much as I am going to be anyway). I'm pleased that you had a good time in Manchester. I went to college there many moons ago - a lovely city!

Take care, you are doing so well. PG xxx 
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on August 14, 2018, 09:22:44 AM
i suspect you are just, as you say, floating in your own dinghy for a bit learning as you go
and that's ok
but remember, Morte, you didn't sink the ship did you? your h did...you've just had to build your own dinghy, swim out to it with your kids and see where it goes...actually while Beast has occasionally tried to jump up and down in your dinghy or distract you or tell you that his boat is 'SS Irreplaceably Wittier'  :D

sounds like you got some free handyman work and childcare, great
i suspect that Beast likes to preen and invite your attention by doing things like this, almost a kind of 'yup I know I've abandoned my wife and young kids for a not very bright younger woman, and i am a sad with a bike living at my mum's...but really I'm a good boy, look at my painting...and here's some cake'  ::)
you are wise and bada$$ enough to take it for what it is of course, lovely girl  ;)

what does 'last month of shared finances' practically mean for you and the kids, Morte?
does it mean you need to get more structured about visitation/kids schedules and support etc?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Tyks on August 14, 2018, 11:40:38 AM
Morte, I have been seeing someone since February. All in all it is great, however when you have been hurt like we have been hurt I don't think that you fully heal. It is so very hard to blend families. Families are all unique and when you start blending that it is kind of a cluster f@ck. I am having a really hard time with it.

Maybe a piece isn't missing. Maybe that piece is the piece of your heart that beast broke ? Maybe that piece will never be there. Who knows? With a long term relationship there is always going to be something missing when it ends imho.  It was a big part of who we were/are so how can it ever be whole? Enjoy it for what it is and leave it at that for now.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 15, 2018, 02:15:49 AM
I had a reply and thought it got posted but it looks like it disappeared into the Ether....

Sam, I think I will disagree with you a bit here...

I am not convinced that we can EVER fully "heal" from a situation like this... Yes, the wound is closed but there is always going to be a scar there. That scar serves as a reminder and it is carried forward into our lives until we meet our end.  The only way around that is to forget about what has happened.. And forgetting about it means most likely that we have not learned the lessons that it provided us.  Comparing what is happening currently with what we experienced previously is also a pretty normal process... After all, one does NOT put their hand on a hot stove more than once either...

It may be a "One foot in, one out" situation as you noted but I feel that, as a result of what we experienced, especially if, as in Morte's case, it really was the first great love of one's life, we can not help but to be more aware of our own needs/wants as well as MUCH more cognizant of the Red Flags that we notice in an R.  It takes more time than it did to allow our walls to come down to the point where we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable again...   We no longer take certain things for granted like that the person that we expect to love and cherish us will actually continue to do that. It is a true test of character and strength to be able to trust someone to that level of intimacy again and it takes time....

Mort, you are not in a hurry. You have all the time you need to see what happens, how you feel, etc.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 15, 2018, 04:08:08 AM
Sam:  Absolutely I have, but it feels more than just not being ready. To be honest since this happened I 'knew' relationships will never be the same. Maybe the missing piece is part of that. Even if Beast finds himself again, our relationship will...still have that missing piece.

Phil: I did that at first, but to be honest they are very different people so...I guess it didn't last very long. And it isn't even the Beast I know that I would compare S to, it is the Beast who is no longer here. So ...kinda pointless comparing to someone who was.

Treasur: Yeah I am pretty sure SS Irreplaceably Wittier is chock full of holes and slowly sinking to be honest. You are probably right, he does like a good preen...look at me...how nice I am...but they say that type of thing tends to come when they know deep down how $h!te they have been. So really it is a reflection of his low self esteem, he needs reassurance...even from me. Or maybe particularly from me.

Practically it means...that the budget is about to get really strict. Visitation will probably return to every other weekend since the kids are back to school next week. And we are gonna have to have a sit down to agree support...or if we can't then I may need to speak to someone about collecting it from him. But if the last year is any sort of basis..it will hopefully not go that far. But I am prepared to do it if I have to.


Tyks: Thanks for your input. You maybe be right. I have considered it could be a piece of me. A little puzzle piece sized scar that can never be refilled.


Ursa: I think I am with you on the ...we never fully heal from this. Sure we get over it, move on, reconcile...whatever our journeys end up. But nothing can ever be the same. Some will say it is better, some will never recover. But the mark is always going to be there.




Reflections:


I think in the beginning I was living a little bit of one foot in the past, one foot in the future. That was what felt like limbo. That was...before detachment I think. When you keep hanging on to the hope that what they say or do means something..other than the fact they are just nuts. I don't really feel like that any more. It doesn't really matter that what he does is completely abnormal and nuts...that doesn't mean he loves me, or there is hope, or he might come back...it is simply crazy people behaviour and I move on with my day. So I think the foot in the past has moved, and both feet are just walking along the future now. Or floating along the crazy river in my dingey...looking up at the clouds...waiting to wash up on the beach.

Beast was my first real love. Perhaps you could even argue that it was not healthy love. I didn't just love him, I adored him. He was my world. I gave up parts of me, and things I needed, just to make him happy. Anything for him.

And when he left it crushed me in a way that words can not describe, but many of you know. I can't decide if the worst part is the sudden BD part, or the fact that I will never have an answer other than ''I can't be bothered''. Probably the latter. There is a cruelty, shock, and unbelievable story like quality to it that is almost unfathomable to our brains. Yet we are here none the less.

Maybe I am wrong in what I am about to say, I really hope I am. I hope some man is so amazing that everything I am about to say is complete drivel in 10 years time. But I do not think I will ever truly love someone like I did Beast. Was he some perfect, unattainable standard of a man? On paper absolutely not, he was flawed, and I knew his flaws...but to me...to me he was perfect. I am gonna miss loving someone like that. Feeling so connected and bound, and...one...with someone.

But after this I am not sure I can let myself do that again. Because if this has taught me anything, it is that people in our lives are never permanent. Sure we want them to be, or hope they will be. But they come, and they go, and we have no control over it. They may choose to leave us, they may get mentally ill and leave us, we may drift apart, or they may die. But in the end...people are temporary and I guess it is just about enjoying the moment we have with them now. Because there is no guarantees for tomorrow.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on August 15, 2018, 04:25:35 AM
Oh my gosh Mort, I can't even tell you how much I agree with just about everything you said.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 15, 2018, 04:43:26 AM
Gazing deeply into my
(https://media.giphy.com/media/l3vR0PJ7pghBzGaOY/giphy.gif)

I'd venture to make a prediction.....

I think we ARE capable of truly loving someone else given time... However, "truly" no longer means the same thing as it did when we were 20 or 30.... What used to be that all-encompassing "do anything for them" "butterflies in the belly" love has given way to a more mature love, the love of a connection, an appreciation for our own strengths as well as that of our prospective partners, a love of mutual joy, companionship, mutual EVERYTHING instead of just giving of ourselves in reckless abandon with no thought of the consequences. That kind of love burns people out because they give everything of themselves and have only a very small core to fall back on in the end... 

Yes, people die, that is a fact. That is the price that comes with living. NOT everyone will go off on a freaking Bat-Snot-Crazy destroy everything in your path and your past cruise around MLC-dom... To deny ourselves the opportunity to deeply connect with, to deeply care for and love for, to take risks on another person is to lock a way our inner-most being ... This is also not a healthy way to live in the long term for the majority of people...

Yeah, you got what I was trying to say - we do carry the mark forward with us. We really have no choice if we have learned anything from it, if it has caused us to also do our own work....
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 22, 2018, 04:48:49 AM
Plugging along with separating financial stuff. Takes a bit longer than you would expect... Specially pesky bills or whatever only in one persons name.  ::)

Most of it is done. Just moping up the final bits...then it will be time to ''agree'' child maintenance.

Checked with the local authorities or whatever, on what they calculate it to be. Came out to something like the basic rate is 50-55 per week plus helping with major expenses such as school clothes etc.

To be honest it really annoyed the $h!te out of me. How much does it cost to leave your wife and three young kids? £50 a week.  >:(

At the end of the day, I am not sure what number would have made me happy. I don't care about money AT ALL. But telling him all we were worth is £50 a week feels like a kick in the firetrucking face. That's the price for abandoning your family. I can't get it out of my head.

It doesn't help that £50 is like... half the grocery shop to feed three kids. Never mind clothes, shoes, school lunches, trips, blah blah blah.

But what the firetruck ever, his Justice isn't gonna come from a check at the end of the day is it?  ;)

Lately I have been pretty okay to be honest. The child maintenece thing ticked me off...as explained above...but otherwise felt okay.

Until a random ass crying fit I had today?! Where the $h!te did that come from? Not cried in months.  ::)

So I was just listening to a new song from an Artist I liked back when we were together (first mistake). Good song, but obviously kick started some subconscious emotional stuff. Started thinking about the fact that I miss that Best friend connection. I don't know if it is HIM I miss, or the feeling...of being one with someone. He is the only person I have felt so ....ONE.. with. When you get each other on that wavelength...you don't even need to speak before you burst into laughter about the same thing. And no one else in the room even understands why you are both laughing. Sigh.  :(

Anyway that little crying fit only lasted for like 3 minutes or less...came out of no where...smacked me upside the head...and now it's away again. Whatever.  ::)

I think this might be a tough...triggering week.

It is our first...Noniversary? The first Wedding Anniversary post BD this weekend....which will quickly be followed up by the 1 year deathiversary of our marriage AKA Bomb drop. The thought of it makes me a bit...pissed off mostly to be honest. But I am sure there will be tears over the next week or two, to be expected. Not the emotional wreck I imagined I would be though, last year when this all happened.

The kids are great, back to school. Not had so much trouble with daughter's eating stuff since the family holiday. I don't know why that made such a difference, but in my heart I knew it was a critical decision. Luckily he made the right one. She's back to eating all the time, and sneaking stuff up to her room so....I will take it.   :)

I am slightly disappointed that I didn't do anything fun or productive with my summer. Will be back to study soon. Spent most of summer just thinking, watching metube videos, and speaking to S to be honest.

I have learned a lot about what I was missing from my marriage. Mostly the ability to do what I wanted, without worrying about upsetting Beast. Spur of the moment adventures, or randomly throwing popcorn in the middle of the cinema. Tickling the kids on the bed until they are crying with laughter, not worried about the dishes in the sink...Riding on a Ferris wheel just because, or eating pancakes for dinner. Not always having to hush my kids, or tell them to change their clothes, or nag them to not annoy their dad.

I am so glad that I have my playful fire back. My confidence to be me.

But I would be a liar if I said I didn't miss him...even now.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on August 22, 2018, 05:19:56 AM
Morte
You would be a crazy person if you didn't miss him. That's normal.
But main thing is your sound good.

All that you said is true. We all did things in our marriage to try and do what we thought was right. 
But now you can do all those things you want. Always next Sumner and alot more summers to come.

Hang in there Morte.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on August 22, 2018, 06:01:50 AM
Morte, the more you feel that freedom the more you're going to enjoy it.   :)

Poor him.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on August 22, 2018, 06:19:39 AM
Morte, my first anniversary was a real nightmare. W said "its just a day like every other"... It was our 20th, I was planning a trip to Rome for it at BD!
I spent the evening alone on the Patio with a bottle of Jamesons. I put our rings on the table and cried all evening, pathetic looking back but that is where I was at the time.
The second was nowhere near as bad, I didnt think much about it atall tbh... time does heal Morte!

You are stronger than you think you are Morte, a wise man once said "heads up and thank firetruck your still alive"
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 27, 2018, 04:35:41 AM
Well yesterday was our 13th year noniversary.

Honestly...it felt like any other day at this point. I knew what day it was, but it was basically just a shrug moment.

I do put that down to the fact that I spent the day hanging out with S and I wasn't alone. I didn't want to be alone that day. Went to the movies and wandered around the shops, and just had a really good time out. A lot better than sitting in the house thinking about the unchangeable right?

When I went to get the kids, Beast was doing his seething rage silent treatment. Cursing at the kids to hurry up, came out to the car to help get them and all their stuff in...but he didn't look at me...or even in my direction. Did not speak directly to me. Spoke only to them. I said something along the lines of ''Still okay for next again weekend to ____'' and he said ''Yeah plans still good''. Then walked off back to MIL house.  In the car daughter said ''He was cursing you for being late (I wasn't late) and said he was going to punch you in the face''. Real mature.  :o

So that's the interaction I had with my husband on my 13th wedding Anniversary.

A little sad when I type it out like that. But at this point...everything is just an  ::) and a shrug.

It was a lot less painful than I imagined it was going to be, but maybe that is because I purposefully distracted myself. Brooding about it, crying about it, sitting at home reflecting on it wasn't going to help anything. Plus I had a really good time, and got to watch a decent movie.  ;D

Feel good today, there is only a little bit of monkey brain in me saying ''Did he even remember it was our Anniversary?''. It doesn't matter at the end of the day, but it is there and I am politely telling it to F off.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on August 27, 2018, 05:12:30 AM
Im glad you could make it through the day Mort, good Job  ;D

In the car daughter said ''He was cursing you for being late (I wasn't late) and said he was going to punch you in the face''. Real mature.  :o
What a tool, how can he say that to the Kids???? Somebody Needs a Punch in the face and it is not you Mort!!!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 27, 2018, 05:50:56 AM
Quote from: Mortesbride
When I went to get the kids, Beast was doing his seething rage silent treatment. Cursing at the kids to hurry up, came out to the car to help get them and all their stuff in...but he didn't look at me...or even in my direction. Did not speak directly to me. Spoke only to them. I said something along the lines of ''Still okay for next again weekend to ____'' and he said ''Yeah plans still good''. Then walked off back to MIL house.  In the car daughter said ''He was cursing you for being late (I wasn't late) and said he was going to punch you in the face''. Real mature.  :o

<...snip...>

Feel good today, there is only a little bit of monkey brain in me saying ''Did he even remember it was our Anniversary?''. It doesn't matter at the end of the day, but it is there and I am politely telling it to F off.  8)
If I read this, the first thought that came to mind was that, yes, he remembered and that is why he was in such a foul mood... All that guilt for the nonsense he has pulled came crashing down on his head on that day so he had to be an a$$hat about it... Couldn't acknowledge the guilt and the responsibility for creating the mess so he chose instead to play the victim and be angry....

WhyUs has it right... what a tool..
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on August 27, 2018, 06:19:05 AM
Good you kept yourself busy Morte.
I think he did remember. Yes , guilt was eating his a$$ up. Probably whining because you didn't baby him.
I totally agree with Whyus. Poor little fella better be glad you didn't punch him. I think you could take him Morte.(Just a thought Morte, ha)
But you handled it well. Keep it up Morte.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on August 27, 2018, 07:20:56 AM
I agree with UM, Morte
Makes no difference to the situation of course
but I think they do rage most when they feel guilt or under pressure to deal with a bit of reality they don't like
so, yup, i suspect he did....and it's a dreadful thing to say in front of your daughter but I suspect as the financial/custody stuff gets more real, you'll see more of the same sadly

i'm glad you weren't alone and that you managed to 'surf' the day
i'm sorry that this is how it is
but congratulations on being a great wife and mother, way better than you h deserves, for 13 years...at least you can know that you can do the job well  :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 27, 2018, 09:28:59 AM
Yeah I think I am going to write into HR about needing an all expense paid holiday from the stress, and that I certainly deserve a raise...or maybe three.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 29, 2018, 12:09:37 PM
So two days after cold shoulder noniversary...he is calling me up to bring youngest son over for the night.

I bring him over, and he is friendly and chirpy...smiling at me and gave me eye contact for the first time in ages. WHAT?! Made some inane jokes about my superhero shirt...and was generally in good spirits. Announces he will walk son over to my house tomorrow.  :o Which he hasn't done in ages....

So tomorrow (today) comes...and he shows up with son. And he sat about the house talking to me for an hour! He hasn't spoken to me for that long since our holiday I guess.

General chit chat, and then talk about direct debits (had to explain the same thing multiple times before writing it down on a piece of paper).

Said he will pay the mortgage this month...didn't like talk of child maintenance, but offered to pay the mortgage which is about the same albeit slightly more. It is like he wants to say ''I still pay my exe's mortgage'' not ''I have to pay child maintenance''. Same amount of money, but in his mind I guess it is somehow better. Then gave me some speech about how great a guy he is because most guys would not pay anything and certainly not pay the whole mortgage.

At this point I go very neutral with myself. On one hand he is right...he could be a complete d!ck and give nothing. But on the other hand he is my husband, running around with another woman, it's his name on the mortgage too...so...yeah. It is a very conflicted argument.  ::)

I just stayed in my LBS friendly neutral place. 8)

There was a lot of talk about how much he dislikes that wee man is now going to nursery. He looked geninuely upset about it. I guess he feels like he missed his babydom...because he kinda has.

Then a lot of reassurances and we chat ''We have been through worse...remember X, y ,z''   ''Don't worry it will all work out'' ''We always make it through''.

I am not sure when we suddenly became a team again but at one point I said ''I am sure that is easy for you to say. I am the single mom, with three kids, and no stable income. But it will be sorted by next month and the cards will fall as they may''. That shut him up about the whole thing for a bit.

Things still seem tense with MIL and him, lots of snide little remarks.

And talk about how much he misses the kids.

I don't know. Feeling a little conflicted. For some insane reason I really wanted to hug him at one moment. I haven't wanted to hug him for a very very long time. Since like Feb or March or something. Yet all of a sudden the urge was there. Where the feck did that even come from? But at the same time...it got to a point where I just wanted him to leave so I could get on with the night. How confusing is that?

I really don't know. I am writing it off as part of this emotional week.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on August 29, 2018, 02:56:40 PM
Morte
All pretty good stuff until he said I'm a good guy.
Morte please dont feel conflicted over any of those thoughts
 Most guys don't run around on their wife and leave her with the kids.
He should pay the mortgage.  And, take care of kids too.
Now if he had went out and bought a new home and he didn't have the money???? Well, maybe not.
That's normal behaviour for Nicer though. Thwy will give a little good and then selfish part kicks in.

You have been doing good  Morte. Tomorrow is a new day.
You will get back in track.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on August 30, 2018, 01:35:15 AM
Yeah, the old "I pay my ex's Mortgage" speech is a good one for the Mid-Lifer because it makes them look like such a generous git...

And it beats the he|| out of "I'm paying child support because I ran off and started shagging some freak and my W kicked me out of the house... and I am living at my mom's..."  ::)

Blame the bobble on the full moon on the 26th, straighten your crown and get on with life ... After all, you're the designated driver of the "bus" aren't you?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/Bv338LDocVkPu/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on August 30, 2018, 05:08:31 AM
Thanks guys.

I am actually really and truly okay. I just was confused where the ....sudden want to hug him.. came from?! :o

Maybe because we were actually having a relatively normal (for MLC and our situation ::)) conversation. And he was giving eye contact, and smiles...and looked a bit more like the old him. I really don't know. It was an urge that came...lasted about 3 minutes...then disappeared into a ''Can you just leave now so I can make dinner'' feeling.

When he is around, I can feel the difference. Which will probably sound stupid as crap to anyone who doesn't know exactly what I am talking about. But I can feel when he is looney toons MLC teen...when he is sad, sick, and borderline suicidal....and when he is on the brink of who he used to be.

I guess I got a glimpse of on the brink, and it started to unbury some bits of love ...that are clearly still there. Maybe always will be.

I guess I should take that as a good sign that I could still...somehow...re-love him if he returned to a decent human being. But it is well and truly buried and locked away. MLC tactics don't touch it, moody and suicidal don't touch it....but a brief moment of who he was....before all this...does.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on August 30, 2018, 05:41:28 AM
I suspect you've put your finger right on it. You had a quick flash of the old him and felt accordingly. Maybe it's also the difference betwenn feeling love and showing love, and more about how you do love. I still love my v1, makes no sense but I don't need to do anything with it other than give it a nod when it pops up. Tbh, I see it in much the same way as loving my dead father who also isn't here if that makes sense.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: serenity on August 30, 2018, 08:02:48 AM
Hello Morte,

I think how you felt is very normal and very natural. You had a nice, normalish chat with your H and saw a glimpse of the man you knew. It’s hard to not want to give them a big hug.

I used to hug my H. Now he tries to hug me! But then I’m seven years on and things do indeed change!

X
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on September 02, 2018, 03:48:23 AM
Entering into some sorta weird...stage.  :o

Been carrying on just fine. Unbothered and generally okay with things. Well you know how it is.  ::)

Anyway something is kicking off all of a sudden in my brain. I am trying to write it off as the approaching 2 day to BD Anniversary but who knows.

Last night I got quiet...antsy...and didn't want to speak to S anymore. I don't know why. He is great, not done anything wrong...I just...Blah. I'm not ready to get involved, and I am scared to relive the past, and I was just...I don't know...In a mood of some sort. Thankfully I never said anything, but it was there. I went kinda quiet and into my own shell.

Then I had a dream about Beast. I dreamed we were in a house, that was getting repaired from water damage...and there were a lot of family and workers around. I noticed that he had his wedding ring on (which he hasn't warn since BD). He looked at me, and reached out to hold my hand. As I was holding his hand he asked me where my ring was, I shrugged, and he said ''Go and get it'' then smiled at me. It sort of fizzled out then and I dreamed about other things, before it cut back to me and him laying on the bed (clothed) and my phone pinged...it was a text from S...and then he got sort of jealous and said something like ''Well I am here and S isn't'' and he started to kiss me and try to put the moves on me to see if he still had it I guess.

No idea where all this is coming from. Out of the blue as usual I guess. But as I was surfing FB, I found myself on his page. One year in and he still has it on his FB that he is married since 2005. Still has pictures of us on it. All the funny stories and pictures. And before I realise it I am clicking through them, reading them...and I remember how good it was when it was good. It was never extremely passionate or romantic....it was comfortable and funny. I often joked our life would make a good sitcom and it would. It still makes me smile and kinda wish for those times back.

But I don't know why I am suddenly struck with this sudden nostalgia. It honestly hasn't been on my mind for ages. I assume it is just the impending 1 year mark lurking in the shadows drudging it all up.

I wonder if he realises it's been a year. I know he isn't happy, and hasn't done anything productive with his ''year of freedom''. Does he think it is all worth it? Does he wish it never happened? Does he look back through our FB pictures and remember the good times? Why after a year is he still listed as married with our couple pictures everywhere? Surely that pisses off OW since she talks to him primarily through FB?

Ugh. Thanks monkey brain for returning all of a sudden. I enjoyed the last 5 months or so without you hanging around.  ::)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on September 02, 2018, 03:59:09 AM
All quite normal, Morte
I suspect your hind brain is conscious it's been a year and from your POV not much progress or resolution. And that we all hunker down and focus on s/t things just to survive but it isn't possible to stay like that forever so maybe a bit of you wants to make a new plan...but you're caught like Janus looking back and forward. Nothing to do with S but maybe he just represents one different path.

Out of interest - and I chuckle with low expectations as I ask - does the Beast have a plan other than more of the same? And do you?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on September 04, 2018, 03:58:01 AM
Happy Bombiversary!

Is it the anniversary of when my world exploded and crashed all around me?

Or is it the anniversary of the day I emancipated myself from a psycho dictatorship?!

A little of both I guess.  8)

I thought today would be harder than it is. Granted it is only lunch time, and if I am going to get weepy it will be a night time  ::)... but I definitely feel good right now.

So it has been a hell of a year. Probably one of the hardest years of my life, if not THE hardest. But I am here, the kids are here, and I did pretty good considering.

What's different?

I am another year of Uni completed, my youngest is starting Nursery, I am now driving with my own car, I have my own credit cards etc...and I am about 85% financially independent. I have travelled several places on my own, stood up for myself, and emotionally detached from Beast in a big way... maybe to much... ::)

Daughter's eating disorder behaviour seems to have resolved after the family holiday to Butlin's. I stopped crying for the most part in Feb of this year...

Life is pretty good. There are money issues as you can imagine, but I am working them out. University starts back up again soon...

Still talking to S who I met in May of this year. He is definitely in pursuit of a relationship at this point. I am still wary and unsure if I am ready for deeply serious stuff. In all honesty I am scared to trust anyone again, and definitely scared to love...like I did.

Legally still married, no legal action taken by either of us. We are just now getting financials separate at MY insistence because after a year, I am assuming he isn't coming back..and I don't want to rely on him continuing to be 'kind' and paying the bills.  ::)

He wasn't happy about this, still refuses to use words like Child maintenance. Acts like we are still a team when he is here, then ignores me for a week.....before acting like nothing is up next time I see him.  ::) In a nutshell he is still a loopy boomerang.

In terms of separation he has been out of the house for a year now, but ''officials'' think it has been since July of this year. I don't know what that means in terms of Divorce wise. It is 1 year consent, 2 years without consent. At this point I will not file, more out of principal if anything. If he wants to destroy our marriage he can do it himself. I certainly will not give consent unless it makes sense for me at the time. So that means he is on a 2 year timer. I guess that didn't start until I told 'officials' that we are separated which would be July this year. Guess that means he has to wait nearly 3 years.   ;)

I'm not in a hurry so... 8)

Goals for this year:
-Finish this module with a distinction.
-Fully financially independent, except child maintenance.
-Get back to swimming and a regular workout since youngest is back to nursery.
-Spend one to one time with the kids on a regular basis.

That will do...keep it simple am I right.  ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 04, 2018, 08:52:49 AM
Yep!  You are right!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on September 04, 2018, 09:15:56 AM
Happy bombaversary!  One year down that you never ever have to repeat.  One year closer to the end of MLC...even if we don't know when that will be!

You appear to be doing well for yourself and taking the time to figure things out.  Good for you!  You may only be a few months ahead of me, but I always found words of wisdom from your strength in the MLC situation!

Take care of those kiddos and good luck at uni this year!  I have no doubt you will accomplish all your goals! 
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Kitty on September 04, 2018, 09:40:26 AM
Happy Bombiversay Morte.

 You're doing great, just stay your course and you'll get to where you need to be. Good luck at Uni this year.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: No expectations on September 04, 2018, 06:33:01 PM
Mortes,

Isn't it amazing how much we can grow in a year?  Stronger, more resilient,  more grateful.  BD starts as the worst thing ever, but can lead to some beautiful growth.  And you are living proof💖
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Lioness on September 04, 2018, 07:35:39 PM
Mortes - it’s amazing how much a difference a year makes in the life of an LBS! I know the anniversary must have been weird but you are doing so well! I can’t believe your youngest is now at nursery! There is so much to cry about and the loss of one’s marriage is painful! But look at the new Mortes, and her badassery! You got this! Big hugs!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on September 06, 2018, 03:10:11 AM
Aww thanks ladies and gents...such nice words  :-*

So yesterday Beast decides he is randomly going to come round for a visit.  :o

Me thinks this HAS to be correlated to the One year bombiversary... timing was to perfect.  ???

Anyway came round under the pretence of taking youngest out to the park after nursery. Then proceeded to spend an hour talking to me about...well everything. Things with his job, if I was doing college, did I manage to sort some things out for myself...etc etc. Nothing to do with our relationship, but talking like I guess friends would? I dunno. Staring at me a lot. Lots of hugs for the little guy. He took him out to the shop and park eventually, then after 20 minutes or so I went to get the older two from school. As I am sitting outside with all the parents waiting for the bell to ring, he comes strolling up with youngest. This has to be the first time he has shown his face since the parent meeting back in March?

The kids were surprised and ran to him with big hugs and such. Which even though he doesn't really deserve them, it did make my heart smile. They are so enthusiastic with their love...and even a blind MLCer has to see that. Surely he feels a bitter sweet...aww they still love to see me...followed by they should see me more. Perhaps an unspoken truth dart? ;)

Anyway he came back to hang about the house and see the kids, says he is going to come regularly on a Wed to see them (won't hold my breath  ::) ) and was here a total of about 2.5 hours. Wanting me to buy paint so he can paint the living room for me...told him I don't have the spare cash right now...so he has decided he will do the back garden this weekend.

Whatever, I am off to Blackpool this weekend so.... 8)

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: moc on September 06, 2018, 05:40:39 AM
Morte: as always you are doing fabulous.  Sounds like your "chatty kathy" MLCer H is swinging toward you.  So in your head are you going "blah blah blah"?

Their guilt and the way to dissuade it is always amazing to me.  Like you couldn't paint your room yourself.  Or handle the garden.  But, totally your choice to let him or not. 

Glad he was able to show his face in public for school.  Truth Dart? Oh yea, let the kids be a 2x4 that hits him hard.  He will be oblivious.

Love catching up to your story.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on September 06, 2018, 06:30:48 AM
Are the kids with you at the weekend, Morte or with Beast or Mil?
Yup, how could one not be touched by the kids' delight....
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Lioness on September 06, 2018, 09:23:44 PM
I agree that kids for those of us with them are quite an interesting truth darth! I find though that over time, the Mlcer heart (do they have one???) somehow hardens and as they go deep in the tunnel the link to the children and the emotional connection weakens. I think my MLCer really loves and misses the boys. But I also see that as timesgoes by he relates to them less. So enjoy the family love day you had and yes “whatevs” I’d appropriate for anything else! You are doing better than you think!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on September 07, 2018, 03:55:37 AM
Morte you would think somewhere in his fogged up mind, kids running to him would be a good wake up! Any dad loves the kids running out to meet him.
You sound strong as always Morte.
Have a fun weekend!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: FaithWalker on September 21, 2018, 04:41:12 PM
I hope your trip to Blackpool was nice!  Sure hope you hang around here even if you aren't standing.  This is a space for ALL LBS types.  I think of you all often, and would love to see the outcomes of our stories in 1, 2, 5, etc. years.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on September 25, 2018, 01:26:29 PM
Hey guys been a while.  8)

So in summary Blackpool was great. Saturday it ended up belting us with rain, but I can not express how refreshing it was to be with someone who wasn't complaining about everything. If Beast had been he would have complained from the time we left the hotel, before we ever reached the pleasure beach the whole thing would be called off.  ::)

Ended up going on a few rides and by 1 pm decided we had enough so we took the park up on the Rainy day offer (you get to come back free the next day if you get rained on for 3 hours or more). So as luck would have it got to go to the Pleasure beach 2 days for 1.  ;D

Ended up trying a Noodle bar....and sake! Now..I have never EVER gotten to go into anywhere like that...what with an onion/garlic/gluten/dairy hater who couldn't eat anything more intense than a chicken banquette.  :o But man that simple bowl of Chicken Ramen was amazing. Trying something new, in a new place, with new people....ugh...I missed that so much!  ;D

Anyway got back from Blackpool to chatty Cathy on about his weekend, and yada yada. Pleasant enough, no DIY this time, but this time HE SLEPT IN MY BED?!

So one weekend...DIY done, won't go near my room....this time no DIY done, snuggled in my bed.  :o

Oooooooookkkkkkkkkk?!

Got a speech about how ''When I am a famous author I will help you out'', and I replied ''That's awfully kind of you...what with me raising your kids and all''.  ::)

Still calling me ''Dearest''?! and a random hug?!  :o


Anyway after that he called in sick, but we didn't have much contact...he was on PS with son a few times...but that's all we heard.


For some reason I had a few 10 min emotional spells popping up randomly. Sat night at Blackpool, a few days later...I dunno they just kept popping up out of no where. Thinking stuff like he is only person I have truly deeply loved. More than myself, or my family, or ...anyone. Period. Totally not healthy, but entirely true.

A while back he gave me a new Netflix log in account for the 3 free months (he got with his new ps4  ::)) and I found it interesting that he referred to himself as Dad with a cool guy picture...and I was 'Morte' with a picture of a troll. Very funny. So I changed his name to 'Beast' and put a picture of a poop emoji.  8)

Saw him on the Tuesday when he was telling me that he is being forced to work night shifts for the xmas season coming up. As if it somehow affects me or the kids....when we only see him every other weekend generally. I don't know why he continues to discuss this stuff with me like I am ...his wife... because he doesn't treat me as such in any other way.  ???


That Friday I was listening to Halsey- Eyes Closed (stripped) and I started crying. Not sure where these feels keep popping up from all of a sudden. Not happened for nearly 8 months... I could just think about how happy I was with our little family. Nothing was perfect but it was really damn good. On one hand I wish it had been good enough for him, but on the other.....I am finding myself again. Who I was before I watered myself down to suit him...and keep him happy...which clearly worked.  ::)

I had forgot so much of who I was. Nothing was I or me anymore...it was Us...or him ...or them. Never, ever me. I always came last.

But I do miss so much....the innocent naivety....fully and blindly in love. Trusting him, seeing through his BS, knowing him and every smirk or grin or little posture...and what that meant. Communicating without words. That level...of...on the same wave length.

I hope I find it again one day, it was a mostly great 14 years....Trashed and burned now. But still. I do not regret my part in it.

The kids went over this past weekend. I suddenly started getting texts off MIL on Saturday. Apparently they have gotten a letter off Council Tax asking Beast to pay for living there. She was texting me going off her nut asking if I told anyone, when I told them... etc etc. I politely reminded her that I told her and Beast....BACK IN JULY... that I would use July 1st as our 'date of separation'. To be fair this is a HUGE favour to her, and him, that neither deserved, but it saved aggro with the kids...and I had nothing to really gain other than...everyone knowing what I been through. I decided to swallow my pride, be the bigger person, say July...and so I told them I would be applying for things, using that as the date. 

I have routinely spoken to Beast about the things I am applying for, what I am waiting for...he has taken his pay check into his own account...it is now nearly OCTOBER...and suddenly she is surprised that they know.  :o

Anyway pretty sure she got her squirrel-ies in a knot and went mental but I kept it short with a ''As I told you and Beast I have applied to several things, I have used July 1st as the date for everything''. She then said something about how she will tell them he has been there since Sept...and I simply replied ''Don't you think they will wonder where he has been from July-Sept?''...I mean they aren't stupid. A man leaves his wife and kids..where is he most likely moving? With his mother or another woman...it isn't rocket science.  ::)

Didn't hear anything after that.

Then Sunday I go to pick up the kids, at the door Beast is jovial and chatty, offers to help us out to the car...and then...$h!te hit the fan. Daughter's car seat was in the boot because I had someone in the front seat (he has no idea who...could be a man, could be my best pal, could be a box of dog food for all he knew...)...well the mood shifted faster than you can snap your fingers. He flung the bags in the back, forgot something...went into the house...stormed out, threw it in the boot spun around and as he was leaving (I was suitably confused at this point  ??? ) I said ''So...next again weekend?'' and he grunted ''Yeah whatever''. I shrugged and got in the car. No idea what that was about.

And now I can feel that silent storm brewing. The one before him and MIL pull some dramatic crap. I literally have done NOTHING. NOT ONE THING. I don't text either of them. I do not ask them to watch the kids...I have had no contact with them, I have done my best to financially separate us as fast as possible, WHILST not ratting them out...(even though they deserve it)...yet they are still pissed.

So..Whatever. Welcome to the real world. Where you have to pay bills....like the rest of us.....at least you have an income to do it with buddy.  :o
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 26, 2018, 06:05:38 AM
That is when you want to look at them, whack 'em with a 2x4, and say "WTF is YOUR problem now?"

And then follow it up with "Hey, aren't consequences a real downer?"

The karma bus is doing a drive by - He (and mummy) are reaping the consequences of his actions...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on September 26, 2018, 06:27:12 AM
Morte, so sorry that there is a storm brewing, i hate that Feeling.
You are strong but be careful, we can only take so much before we explode ourselves. Try not to get dragged in once they start, let them do what they want. You have done nothing wrong and have no reason to get worked up about it all.
Keep plodding on with your "(won't hold my breath)" attitude and Keep on enjoying your time for you! You deserve a break from the madness now and again...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on September 26, 2018, 07:13:29 AM
You hang in there Morte.
You told them July, well reality just slapped them in the face.
Don't let the storm get you. You habe seen the forecast and you know it's coming. So gear up and get ready.

I picture you as a female version of Jim Cantore!!! Ha. You will be standing right in the storms path saying bring it on!!!!

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 11, 2018, 09:24:01 AM
Wow sometimes it really takes a while before you come back here doesn't it?

I used to be on this website for hours a day, now I sometimes open the tab ...and don't get round to reading things...because you just can't be bothered thinking about it today. Some days I read a few stories just to see where some of you are. Then eventually there is a few WTF crazy moments that have happened and I think ''Welp, time to update the crazy chronicles''. So here I am.  8)


Update Time:

Beast Visits and Boomerang Antics:
-On one visit he told me when he is a famous writer, rolling in the millions... he will buy me a nice phone. I told him ''Wow that is really kind of you, what with me bringing up your kids and all that on my own''.  :o  He then went on about how he is forcing himself to write 1000 words a day, and taught himself grammar rules. Okay for the most part albeit a little stand offish.

-Texted him about getting an appointment to be questioned on immigration, if I was going to get benefits etc, he gave no $h!te really.

-On a Wed 1 hour after school visit.. he took daughter to shops, brought me back biscuits. Asked how the interview had went, mostly seemed interested in if I was going to get any money. Acted super goofy as he left. Kids were playing playstation not fussed, I was on my phone, he started to go out the door..didn't like his lack of fan fair...so he turned around, came back in to hug Middle son (which never happens), youngest, and wave at me a big 'fare thee well'...before leaving. Later that night he was on the game, with daughter and middle son, asking them if I wanted to play with them.

-Frequent financial texts, many initiated by him, yet things he could answer himself if he wasn't a giant man child.  ???

-Bit of a blow out where he was sulky about them owing three months back dated rent. I told him he should be glad it was 14 months that he has been away...Then he went on about the bills like rent and council tax as if they were my bills and he was paying them for me. I politely told him everyone has them, and they have nothing to do with me. He then went on about credit cards and such he has to pay, and how xmas is coming up. I told him I have all the same bills and holidays, yet no income....so..yeah. ??? He then tried to say he thinks I get more than I am admitting to, I told him I was happy to show him a bank statement right now if he likes. He started to mini monster and I said ''Beast this is all a consequence of your decisions. I am not sure what you expected?'' to which he threw in ''Well it's not like you haven't had a boyfriend for 5 months!''...which I can only assume he is referring to S. I have known S 5 months, but it certainly hasn't been like that....but I decided I didn't need to defend it and instead said ''Even if I do, that is nearly a year after you left?'' with a shrug and left it at that. The comment was so left field that it was completely irrelevant to the conversation at hand. :o He stormed out (as much as you can with your bike going through a door way ;D) with a ''pleasure as always'' hissed from his teeth. I said ''Good night'' shut the door, and went to get my pyjamas on.

-Wed visit again this time 2 hours. Asking me when my next weekend away would be. I commented I wouldn't be going away for a while as I need to save for Xmas and stuff... he shot in with ''What... will that miserable git not pay for it for you?!''. Now..the two trips I have taken have been with a female friend of mine...but it is interesting to see he assumes that I am going away on romantic weekends. Additionally I would never expect someone to pay anything for me, particularly when you are just getting to know them. So I assume the whole point of this comment was to try and make S look bad, and make him look like the hero gentleman he thinks he is in his head. In response he basically got the eyebrow and I said ''Wow this conversation got awkward really fast'' and he said '' well we have never done anything normal have we'' que a buncha reminisce 'we' stuff.  ???

-Back again the following Thursday for daughter school event. Didn't expect to see him as I thought Thursday was OW day...no one ever sees him on Thursday...yet he was here for an hour and a half. Today he walked to the school with me and youngest son, playing happy families like nothing was up. If you saw us you could be fooled. He made points to dis those he thought looked worse then him, commented on people he hadn't seen in a while, made jokes..laughed...lots of 'remember when'....and then told me how all the other employees at work voted him 'most charming' at the work night out. How he won and got an award. And I refrained from all the horrible things I wanted to say, and swallowed the vomit that came up... ::)

Said something about house in street for sale, asking how much it was going for. I said I didn't know. He asked had I looked...I said no I don't particularly care....to which he said ''but you are nosy, you always know this stuff''...to which I said ''I think you are confusing me with your mother''. On the way back home, he said almost the exact same thing but ''How much is that going for? '', I said ''I'm not sure, why don't you check'' and he said ''Cuz that's what I have you for''....And I said ''What? Did you just say that's what you have me for? OR HAD?'' to which...I swear to god...he looked like he was blushing.  8)


Had a couple of weird dreams:
-Daughter was in ER, and I was phoning around frantically trying to contact Beast so he could come say goodbye.
-Dreamed me and Beast were talking, and he said our marriage was the best years of his life, and he has never loved anyone like he loved me...but he isn't ready to face or fix anything yet.
-Weird dream all three of the men I have known in a romantic way were all here having Christmas together. My first boyfriend (past), Beast (longest), and S (present/future?). It felt like there was some meaning behind this dream but I couldn't quiet grasp it. Maybe my subconscious brain just needs a punch in the throat for putting me through that awkwardness.  :o



Reflection:

Overall I am in a much better place than a year ago, but I do miss living with someone. Having someone to speak to at night, and cuddle up with while watching movies. Chatting about day to day things and laughing at inside jokes.

Still feel kind of lost. Like....I know what I need to do for me. Finish my uni, get some lab experience, enjoy things I WANT more...I am not lost there.

But relationship wise I am super lost.

As stupid as it is I think I still love Beast. Certainly not 'in love' with him and who he is at the moment. Maybe I guess I should say I love who he was. But it is definitely a big huge boulder in the way. Plenty of men interested, S is certainly still trying to progress things and although I do care for him, he is a nice guy, I do not want anything to happen to him... I do not think I would ever love him like Beast, or maybe anyone. Then we get back to that loop of maybe that is a good thing. I dunno.

I got married because I meant every single word of it. I thought he did too. We got engaged, we got married, and we waited a few years before having kids. I did everything right yet it still ended wrong. It kind of puts this seed in your head, that no one is permanent. All relationships...no matter how much you try...will end sooner than you expect. Maybe we are just supposed to enjoy them while they last, and move on when they are gone.

Then you get into a whole argument about marriage. Legally speaking I am still married, according to UK law. But when my husband walked out, and took off his ring, and slept with another woman...he decided we were not. For those who believe in God and the Bible, it clearly says that you are married until your husband takes up another woman or something to that affect. So in God's eyes are we already divorced as soon as he did that?

What about for me? When do I think my marriage ended? Was it the year before BD when he started being nasty and having an emotional affair? Was it when I packed his stuff and sent him to his mom's? Or was it when he slumped down on the kitchen floor and said he didn't have the energy to fight for his family? Or...no matter how much my brain and heart have closed off, do I deep down think of myself as still married?

Meh..I don't know really. I don't know where I am with it, where he is with it, what IT even is.

 I just keep putting my feet in front of each other, and take things as they come.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: megogirl on October 11, 2018, 05:16:24 PM
For those who believe in God and the Bible, it clearly says that you are married until your husband takes up another woman or something to that affect. So in God's eyes are we already divorced as soon as he did that?

It's soooo murky.

RCR says, "Biblically it may be allowed, but my vows did not have an adultery exemption clause."

None of our vows do....making this such a hot debate amongst Christians....

I know that I am torn up by it every.single.day.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: xyzcf on October 11, 2018, 05:53:53 PM
Mortesbride
Quote
Then you get into a whole argument about marriage. Legally speaking I am still married, according to UK law. But when my husband walked out, and took off his ring, and slept with another woman...he decided we were not. For those who believe in God and the Bible, it clearly says that you are married until your husband takes up another woman or something to that affect. So in God's eyes are we already divorced as soon as he did that?

Sometimes, people feel that they should twist what Christ did say about divorce to justify their wanting to be in another relationship. Kind of "he did it so why can't I" and certainly, beliefs systems are very different and there are those who do not live by scriptural laws. As you know, even within the Church there are many disagreements about this.

For me, and I am only speaking personally for myself, the following is what I have always believed to be true. Because my husband no longer believes in the sacrament of marriage, doesn't mean that I should change my beliefs..for then I would not be true to myself or how I want to live my life.

Mark 10:2-12:

Marriage and Divorce.
1
He set out from there and went into the district of Judea [and] across the Jordan. Again crowds gathered around him and, as was his custom, he again taught them.
2
* The Pharisees approached and asked, “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” They were testing him.a
3
He said to them in reply, “What did Moses command you?”
4
They replied, “Moses permitted him to write a bill of divorce and dismiss her.”b
5
But Jesus told them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.
6
But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.c
7
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife],d
8
and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
9
Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
10
In the house the disciples again questioned him about this.
11
e He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;
12
and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

Lots of arguments arise about what the bible says and doesn't say, and again, this is my belief and is why I have been standing and faithful for so long.

Bishop Robert Barron wrote a reflection on this passage that explains well why marriage is permanent.

"This Famous passage from the tenth chapter of Mark’s Gospel contains, in nuce, an entire Christian theology of marriage. I will focus on only one aspect of this extremely rich presentation. The Lord says that in marriage a man and a woman become, though God’s intervention, one flesh and therefore what God has joined together, no human must separate.

It is axiomatic in our time that marriage is a “psychological” phenomenon. What I mean is that for most people today marriage is a function of two people deciding, for their mutual benefit, to live together in a form if intense friendship. Children, play, physical pleasure, emotional fulfillment, professional achievement etc are all the fruits of this relationship.

The Church does not deny any of this. It fully accepts the psychological and natural dimension of marriage. But following the prompt of the Lord, it moves beyond this understanding, appreciating marriage as an ingredient in God’s designs and not simply our own. It is true, in the natural order, to speak to two people finding one another and deciding to marry, but those moves are, in fact, situated within a supernatural order and unfolding according to a supernatural purpose. Ultimately, God has joined a man and a woman together.

And this is why a properly sacramental marriage is permanent. If it were simply a worldly reality, we could quite legitimately find a hundred reasons why it might be best for a marriage to come to an end. But because marriage is more than worldly, because it participates in God’s providential design, it endures."
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 14, 2018, 08:14:30 AM
Thanks for reading along:

Megogirl- I think my vows did have an adultery exemption clause. I was always very clear about that, as was he. I would never leave him, I would always be there for him, unless he cheated. From the start I knew that....after it actually happened I wasn't to sure...was that bad enough to throw it all away?...But in the end there are so many other things he has done on top of and including that.

Xyzcf- I am not basing this off anything twisted. There are versus within the bible which inherently contradict one another. Possibly due to the time they were written, and based on circumstances. There is a link :https://www.openbible.info/topics/spouse_abandonment with several you can look at. None of them fully answer the question and could be used for either side of the argument.

I will not deny that there is a great psychological and natural dimension to a HEALTHY marriage. What I had for years before was good for me, and the kids, and my husband. But how can we say in our current situations that sitting alone, being a single parent, dealing with all the fallout, humiliation, emotional abuse...etc etc of a MLC one sided marriage is psychologically or naturally good for us?

God set us up to have marriages because they are good for us...agreed. Perhaps God does set us up, putting us in each other's path..to help each other in some way. But ultimately God has given us all free will to do good or bad through our own choices. What happens when one person uses their free will to destroy that marriage?

By that same token you could say that God put the OW/OM in the path of our partner's. It was still ultimately the partner’s decision to stick to the marriage or stray. Regardless of how or why they were there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a small... update or confirmation more like.

Most people wouldn't understand why this upset me so much, but I am sure you guys will.

Had BIL over for the weekend, first time since July I think. It was a nice catch up, but ultimately confirmed suspicions.

I figured the double tv, double playstation was so he could play games with OW.  ::)

But it really hurt to confirm with BIL when he said ''She is over all the time''. I did pointedly ask if she had ever been over with the kids, the kids always say no...he confirmed no.

Anyway it really hurt. And it wasn't because of Beast, it was because of MIL. After all her ignoring him, and talk of how wrong it was, and blah blah blah... and I changed the date of this all happening to July out of respect, and to help her out so she wouldn't be slammed with back dated rent...

It felt like a stab in the back knowing that shes let her 34 year old married son with three kids, sit in her spare room with his 22 year old other woman playing games and hanging out...probably spending the night....while your daughter in law is stuck with three kids on her own.

14 years I have known her. Part of the family. Always getting on. Watching BIL since he was 2 years old.

Does it ultimately matter? Probably not.

Does it hurt like a mother firetrucker being stabbed in the back, and feeling like I am being laughed at behind my back? Absolutely.

Is it going to affect my life or the things I am doing? No.

Will it change my relationship with MIL? Most definitely.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: stillbaffled on October 14, 2018, 04:01:19 PM

Does it hurt like a mother firetrucker being stabbed in the back, and feeling like I am being laughed at behind my back? Absolutely.

Yes, yes it does.  I'm sorry, Morte, that you get to also have a MIL like this.  My MIL is dead to me.  I haven't spoken to her in over two years. 

Will it change my relationship with MIL? Most definitely.

It did for me.  I am NC with the person that used to be my MIL and we've known each other for 40 years!  She showed her true colors immediately after BD and the new OWifey is welcome to her.   You just figure out what relationship boundaries will work for YOU and then you set your limits. 

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 17, 2018, 03:59:15 PM
I musta scared everyone off with the God chat.  ::)

Ah well.

Anyway going through a very similar phase as a few other members at the moment...maybe just that time of year.

My washer died...so I needed another one. I text Beast about it, he then said something like ''I will look at some prices later for a new one'' and I said ''Don't worry I already handled it''...maybe I shoulda let him do it and saved myself the money, but I don't need his pity buys. Or to give him anything else to be ''Oh I am so great I bought her X''.

Anyway been feeling all weird and off lately. Dreaming about having talks with him. The other day in my dream we were talking and he was sorta coming on to me a bit and saying ''I can't, you hate me'' and I said ''That's the problem, I really don't...'' and then he looked at me with this heartbroken look on his face and said ''You will after I tell you this'' and I said ''She's pregnant''...and he started manically laughing and sobbing at the same time. Let's hope that stays just a dream.  :-\

Anyway kids on school holidays so he offered to watch them tonight. Went over to drop them off and he has a vase of flowers sitting on his dresser in his room (within eyeshot of the front door). The same colourless carnations he used to buy me when he had firetrucked up. The ones he just grabbed because they were the cheapest on sale.

I don't really know why he bought them, maybe she bought them...but the chances that they are the exact same ones...tells me he did. I wondered if he was in trouble, or maybe just because. But why put them on display like that when he knew I was bringing the kids....Mind games...

I really don't care he bought her flowers. Probably bought her much worse. There was just something so perverse and firetrucked up about it.

My husband is living with my MIL, has his 22 year old hoe worker hanging out...playing games...buying her the same $h!tety flowers...

And no one says anything.  :-\

And then lovely fakebook has to post up reminders. Look at this 2 years ago..when you were a happy family. Look at the day your son was born, held in your husbands arms. Look at this picture of you two cuddled up on date night...Look at this series of pictures that you took in front of the same town Christmas tree for 10 years...that is now missing 1, coming up to 2 years...

firetruck you and your reminders Fakebook. You are an absolute @$$hole.

Why is all this crap popping back up again?

Some of those pictures I can remember the exact moment, dragged back into that time....and none of this feels real. How I wish I could just go back and relive one of those days. What day could you go back to...and stop this from happening? Probably none...but damn it would be nice.

I look at my daughters happy little face, while we are all dressed up for Halloween as a family...and I feel like I failed her. I know none of it was my choice, 'nothing I could do'...but what if there was?

Why have I been fine for 6 months, and all of a sudden it is back again...in my brain all the time. Even walking the dog, I was thinking about it. Constantly in a low key way it is there.

I know what he has done is horrendous. He has cheated, he has abandoned us, he has lied and blackmailed and emotionally abused me...and to some extent the kids.

So why the firetruck do I still love him?! :'(
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: megogirl on October 17, 2018, 04:22:55 PM
Hear ya, Mortes......

It is very hard to explain any LBS loyalty.  Because, WHY?!? 

Why am I yearning to forgive the unforgivable?!?  Granted, easier said than done....but why am I even willing to try?!

Am I just a sadsack??  Am I insane??

The thoughts that permeate my mind every.single.day.... 

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on October 17, 2018, 10:26:55 PM
Mort, so sorry beaut.
Why do you still love him? because you were allin in your marriage and loved him dearly when he flipped, you cant just turn that off. It just Comes and goes mort, hopefully you will bounce back soon enough but I know what you are going through.
I too still love my ExW but not as I used to. K knows this, I have told her and she respects that there will always be a Little place in there somewhere. I wish my ExW no harm but i also dont want her to be happy, the winner who has it all. How firetrucked up is that then?

And dont worry about the God chat....
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: hopeandfaith on October 18, 2018, 01:47:00 AM
Sounds like you are grieving Mort.  I hear it's normal to have that come in waves which feel like giant backward steps.  What it isn't ..is denial.  You are going THROUGH this.  Not around or avoiding.  That is the only way to the other side and you are doing it.  Hang in there.

You might find some comfort in reading "Attached" by Levine and Heller because it describes attachment in a practical way and really helps to try and explain why you still love him after all this.  Some useful pointers towards our own attachment styles and needs.  Takes the emotion out of it a bit.  Certainly helped me feel a little less pathetic  :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 18, 2018, 02:53:33 AM
H&F pathetic? Na... You and Mort are Rock Stars!

Mort, I do know EXACTLY how you feel... The year that the house formerly known as "Home" was sold and we were all living in our separate places, the kids wanted desperately to go trick-or-treating. Since STBXW decided to move into an apartment complex/area of town with the amount of neighborliness/humanity of an industrial zone and where I live are not too many kids in total, we decided to go back to our old neighborhood... I had turned Halloween into an Art Form and went all out in decorations and the house got quite a reputation... I was asked at LEAST a dozen times "Hey, wasn't there a house around that was totally tricked out for Halloween? Do you know where it is?" I tried to explain it a couple of times but that was just too much. I ended up saying "Yeah, I do know where it was. It used to be MY house. It's gone now." Reminders....

Last year the kids and I went to a former friend (a Mid-Lifer in progress as it turned out) and they went out there with their kids but that avenue is also closed as I refused to be the OM and she didn't seem to appreciate that much  :o ::) 

Those waves will get smaller as time goes on. At some point, they become ripples. It is harder I think at times for those of us with kids and who therefore have lots of contact with the Mid-Lifer. Those reminders come up in our faces more often than those whose Mid-Lifers have disappeared in some ways because we SEE the Mid-Lifer or at least the physical embodiment of the person we used to know and love...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: hopeandfaith on October 18, 2018, 03:04:07 AM
H&F pathetic? Na... You and Mort are Rock Stars!

High praise UM ;D. Feathers are suitably fluffed
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Philadelphiagirl on October 18, 2018, 04:08:53 AM
Hi Morte, sending you support and hugs. I agree with the others, and I do think that its a wave of grief. It comes at me at strange times. I often wonder how someone who helped to create all of the memories both of us as a couple and as a family with the kids can just erase them and act in the way that they do. You are dealing with all of this while taking care of 3 young kids - you are their rock and you are showing your superpower! We are all in the same nightmare here - there are just different versions of it. You are one strong lady who just loved their family unit and would have fought for it/did/is fighting for their kids. There is nothing pathetic in that. There is nothing pathetic about any of us. Take care of yourself and do something nice for yourself today. PG xxx
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mitzpah on October 18, 2018, 04:18:19 AM
It is harder I think at times for those of us with kids and who therefore have lots of contact with the Mid-Lifer. Those reminders come up in our faces more often than those whose Mid-Lifers have disappeared in some ways because we SEE the Mid-Lifer or at least the physical embodiment of the person we used to know and love...

Mort, what UM posted above is very true, even though my kids are young adults, I have a lot to do with him because of them.

Of course, at almost eight years myself, I begin to wonder what exactly is wrong with me?!  ::) I have come to accept that it is part of who I am and the decision that I took to honor the vows I made over 34 years ago regardless. In a way, for me, it is better that I still love him because it would be very difficult to continue to stand out of conviction alone.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Thunder on October 18, 2018, 05:23:15 AM
You know Mort, I believe we cycle just like they do.

This will pass.  I hope you feel better soon.
None of this is easy.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: xyzcf on October 18, 2018, 06:11:26 AM
I hate those FB  pictures that pop up. I don't know who ever thought they would be a good idea and I don't believe there is any way to turn them off.

Quote
Why have I been fine for 6 months, and all of a sudden it is back again...in my brain all the time. Even walking the dog, I was thinking about it. Constantly in a low key way it is there.

I know what he has done is horrendous. He has cheated, he has abandoned us, he has lied and blackmailed and emotionally abused me...and to some extent the kids.

So why the firetruck do I still love him?
!

They are part of us Morte and always will be.  I have found it impossible to turn off the memories, the thoughts that circle round and round...not as much now but still several times a day and over night. I am triggered by things that are should not be of any importance...thus, the effects of PTSD.

As many others have written, it seems impossible to "forget" them. If we had been in a difficult marriage, if he had treated me badly throughout our 32 years together, if I had any idea that things were not good between us...then  perhaps with time, I could have lost this yearning for us, for the life we had.

But the suddenness and unexpectedness of what happened and the shock of his doing things that I never though were possible.....that makes MLC "different" and the "trauma" from it is encoded in our brains...we learn to live with it but it is frustrating not to be able to turn off those feelings and the hurt that comes from the things they are doing.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on October 18, 2018, 07:18:06 AM
I would like to echo what everyone else said to you.  I would also like to tell you something that has helped me.

I  trigger over memories too.  Then I realized I can use them to my benefit.  Instead of looking at what I don't have anymore.  I use them to justify that H is not the same man I loved and cared for before MLC.  That man is gone right now and all that remains is his shell.  I know we were happy despite him saying he has not been happy for 15 to 20 years.

I use it to reinforce to myself that there is potential for H to heal and be better than before.  I try to find the positive for the future instead of the what ifs.  I can't change or control by what iffing.  I use the memories to make me smile.  Yes...there are tears of what is lost...but I work to quickly turn them around.  I do this by facing it and not running away.

As for why do we still love them?  Because the men/women who became MLCers are not the same people.  They are changed.  We still remember and know and LOVE the v1 of our spouses.  In time we will let v1 go and mourn them.  As we heal, I believe we will smile more when memories come up.  As we deal with the hurt and pain, I believe we will have less triggers.

So please....deal with the hurt and pain and address it and learn from it to deal and heal.  That is my mindset that I use for me.   
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 23, 2018, 06:32:29 AM
Thanks everyone for following along and giving your words of encouragement. :-*

If anything was gonna cure my ''I still love Beast'' mode...well that certainly happened last Thursday. I was cleaning out daughter's clothes to get rid of old ones and what not...and I found a pair of crotchless ladies tights in her things.  :o To say I saw red would be an understatement.  >:(

I knew instantly they had been put in her things by mistake whilst over there... or maybe planted as someone pointed out. Luckily it just so happened a Hero's spouse member (you know who you are) happened to message me near enough at that exact moment....so after venting a bit, and getting some perspective I managed not to instantly blow up react.

I took said pair of tights with me as I went to collect the kids (who were at Beast's). I walked the kids out to the car, as Beast was getting the xbox unhooked etc. Once the kids were safely in the car, I grabbed the tights and walked back to meet him. He handed me the xbox, and I held up the tights and said  in the calmest voice I have used (rage bubbling inside) ''I would appreciate it, if crotchless tights didn't come home in our 8 year old daughter's things''....he looked at them like they were nuclear mutant waste...said ''What?! Look at the size of them?'' and I said ''Exactly, a small ladies size'' then he... I swear to god 180 degree turned and hauled ass back into the house. I calmly turned around and walked back to the car.

As I was driving home I could hear my phone going mental with text messages- 13 to be exact. It was MIL...texting me claiming they were hers, and the hole is to ''let the air in''. Yeah...Air huh  ::)

Maybe they are MIL, maybe they are OW...either way it is careless putting stuff like that in an 8 year old's things. My gut says they are OW and he freaked out and was having MIL try and cover since ''I don't know'' OW is staying there... ;)

But as a guy...what is worse?

Your wife finding your affair partners lingerie in your daughters things, then having to explain to your mom and making her take the fall.....OR.....your wife finding your mother's crotchless tights, handing them to you with suspicion they are your OW's....then having to discuss your mom's crotchless tights with her and making her fess up so you get your OW clear of your wife?!

Either way...enjoy that.  ;D

Not gonna lie, I felt 100 times better after that emotional bomb was in his lap and not mine. Emotional hot potato with crotchless tights. Didn't see that one coming! HA! :o ::)

Anyway....few days later I noticed he had deleted his FB again. Now...he deactivated it for AGES after BD....its been back on for 6 months or more...now suddenly deactivated again.

To me that is a red flag he has pissed OW off, and doesn't want her posting on his FB.

Daughter was over there most the weekend, and the boys went over on the Saturday. Apparently he was there the whole time but back to the antics of last year. Cursing, screaming, throwing things, hiding in his room and leaving the kids to his mom.

The last few times I have dropped off/picked up it has been MIL and not Beast...which hasn't happened since just after BD.

So between deactivating FB, hiding behind MIL, and moody antics...I definitely think they have split up and life isn't all roses. Is it permanent? Probably not. But it is nice to see that $h!te isn’t all happy go go in Beastville.

Thanks Karma bus!  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Acorn on October 23, 2018, 07:17:48 AM
I’d thought I’ve seen and heard all but this stocking story is something else!
Thanks for the chuckle, Morte!
Who else is going to believe our off-the-wall crazy stories?!

Glad you kept your cool.  That way you get to laugh more.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on October 23, 2018, 09:14:16 AM
Good lord, Morte  :o
Well, you handled it like a boss and threw that exploding monkey right back to the folks who own it.
In my head I've got a vision of it being like a bunch of not very bright people tossing a hand grenade around between them...at least your daughter didn't see it or is too young to understand. (And my gut money is on ow being the proud owner too if only because Beast's standard MLC response was a) attempted distraction - not sure the size is relevant lol - followed by b) run and c) some panicked 2nd hand gaslighting)

It's funny but with hindsight I found it wasn't the huge things that slowly killed my hope/respect/wish to communicate with my xh...it was the slow steady build up of small things that repulsed me, things I just did not want in my life regardless of who owned them.
Crotchless tights definitely fit into that bracket for me lol
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on October 23, 2018, 10:06:26 AM
I am so sorry you had to find them but so glad you shared your story.  What a great laugh!

I love MIL trying to explain the "airing".  Totally priceless!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 23, 2018, 10:21:04 AM
Attaching mort. Xx
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: islandgirl68 on October 23, 2018, 11:40:31 AM
Boss lady Morte driving that Karma bus 8)

Following along  ;)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: KeepItTogether on October 23, 2018, 12:18:13 PM
Wow. Just wow. So much to comment on.

But really, you handled that like a freakin rock star!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on October 23, 2018, 12:43:27 PM
You handled that well Morte.
Trust me, it shamed him more to beg his mom to say they were hers than to admit otherwise! Let the air in!! Boy I tell ya!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on October 23, 2018, 10:26:26 PM
Mort, your still a rock star... well played gal  8)
Mil sounds pathetic and totally lost btw. she is just another victim of MLC Mort, she probably doesnt like it anymore than you do.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 24, 2018, 04:05:18 AM
Thanks everyone. As a side note I now have a new signature phrase.  8)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Acorn on October 24, 2018, 04:09:49 AM
Hahahaha!
Love the phrase.  Long live the crotch-less tights!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 24, 2018, 05:16:45 AM
Oh






My







LORD!

Just when I think I have heard just about everything....

Can you just imagine how that conversation would go?

B: "Mam, OH $#!te! Mort found a pair of crotchless tights in D's things!"
M: "Oi, we were a little careless, were we?"
B: "She's REALLY PO'd! You have to tell her they are yours!"
M: "Uhm... WHAT? They are not my size!"
B: "Doesn't matter! Mort won't know the difference! You have to tel her or she'll know <insert Twatwaffle's name here> was here!"
M: "Boy! You are right! THAT would be disastrous! OK. I'll tell her.... "
B: "And make up a good reason that they have no crotch in them because she sure saw that too."
M: "I'll figure out something. I mean, EVERY <fill in the age) year old woman has a pair or two lying around in her drawers somewhere..."  ::)
B:" Thanks mam, you're the best!" 
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on October 24, 2018, 07:29:52 AM
Twatwaffle! My goodness that's a word for a post on Friday, lol.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 24, 2018, 08:08:46 AM
Twatwaffle! My goodness that's a word for a post on Friday, lol.

I think Medusa used it first a LONG time ago.... But it fits, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on October 24, 2018, 08:16:52 AM
UM, I can't help but feel relieved that you DIDN'T find a crotchless tights GIF  :)...
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 24, 2018, 08:22:14 AM
UM, I can't help but feel relieved that you DIDN'T find a crotchless tights GIF  :)...

Aw Treasur, I didn't look but now you've motivated me.....

At least this one is safe for HS....

(https://media.giphy.com/media/UJ4eQxOXHvuWA/giphy.gif)

And the description sort of fits OW, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on October 24, 2018, 08:24:03 AM
Thanks for restraining yourself lol  ;D
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Helpingme! on October 24, 2018, 08:57:38 AM
UM, oh it fits. If the little fruit bat doesn't change soon, I may have found her a new name.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: hopeandfaith on October 25, 2018, 01:07:09 AM
Oh Mort and UM, thanks for the laughs.  You guys rock.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 25, 2018, 06:16:48 AM
Any time.  8)

I have used Twatwaffle a few times, I thought it was a scottish slang to be fair. Who knew! :)


So things are eerily quiet. Did not hear from Beast for his Wednesday visit. Did not hear from Beast for parent's night. Did not hear from Beast for Nursery daddy's day.

All the dates for this month I sent in a summary text on the 18th, easily readable and in small..uncomplicated words...so he could digest.  ::)

But we have heard nothing. No excuse text...no showing up...just crickets.

Due to last weekends incredibly weird behaviour, I am going to guess he is currently calling in sick from work and hiding from life. It is all just so much to handle after all.  ;)

I did contemplate sending him reminder texts to come, but...that isn't my job anymore. It isn't my job to make sure he is where he should be, to make sure he shows up for his kids...That is on him.

Last year at this time, I was freaking about parent's nights, and Halloween..and how to get him there. How to make sure it was normal for the kids. How I could limit the damage to them by trying to fix his absence.

Now as much as I don't want to see my kids hurt, it isn't something for me to police. I can not make him a good father. He either is, or isn't.

Either way, they got an awesome mom so... 8)

A very small small minuscule spec of me wanted to text, and make sure he was ok....or text MIL to make sure he was ok....but...

firetruck that. ::)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on October 25, 2018, 06:31:05 AM
Morte - You are right....your kids have an awesome Mom. 

Sometimes the quiet times from them are good times for us.  No drama.  Let him stew in the pot of his own making.  Let him try to "air" things out too in his own head.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on October 25, 2018, 06:42:04 AM
Good healthy step back from Beast management and forward for you imho.
Initially because we a) are worried about them and b) are trying to fix stuff, we send reminders or try to communicate in a different way
But after a while, we start to see what is our job and what isn't, what we can control and what we can't.
And how frustrating it is to have even a half-expectation.

Easier to say essential info once and then stop and leave it up to them. And have a plan a for anything important and see them as a plan b...or maybe plan z lol.
Can you send a single monthly schedule Morte on a fixed date and then do nothing more? And I presume you also no longer keep him updated on the kid's small stuff as I'm sure you once did?
It is a sad reminder though of how not normal this all is that so many previously involved parents just go MIA on their kids too and no longer put them first at all.

Has your daughter given up on asking him to come home too now as she once did?
And yes, your kids have an awesome, smart, kick-a$$ mum!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: FaithWalker on October 28, 2018, 01:54:51 PM
Wow...just wow.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: No expectations on October 28, 2018, 06:41:11 PM
Hi Morte!

Just popping on and catching up.  Omg I am dying laughing!  Let the air in???? Really??? There just are no words.

Absolutely,  your kids have a no holds barred,  kick a$$ mom!!
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 29, 2018, 12:35:17 AM
Joining in mort. Fab mom xx
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on October 29, 2018, 06:21:03 AM
Thanks everyone.

Well he didn't show up for anything last week...then the day he was meant to show for youngest nursery dad day...he showed up on PS4 to play with kids. Daughter wasn't impressed and asked him why he didn't turn up for anything..

He then tried:
1. Your mom never told me ---''Yes she did, I saw the text''
2. I forgot --- ''You forgot you were supposed to visit us on Wed? You always supposed to come on Wed''
3. Garble garble garble fake ass excuse

Anyway MIL took kids last weekend which is odd, because Beast was working and they don't usually. I guess he musta been feeling guilty for missing his visit on the Wed. When I collect them daughter says ''I asked dad if he was coming to Halloween and he said 'Not this year, maybe next'.'' First of all I was surprised because A. I never said he could come  :o and B. Why not this year but definitely next?!  ??? What an extremely weird thing to say. Anyway I said ''Oh why not'', and she said ''He didn't give a reason, but I told him that was crap because he isn't showing up for anything''...and off we drove back home.

Well 2 days later I get the first text from him in...oh 12 days?!...saying ''Tell Daughter I will be there for Halloween''.

Again...No one bothered to bloody ask me!

But realistically I don't care. I guess it is good he is making a guilt laden effort to do SOMETHING with them. The kids will enjoy it.

I'm just sitting back here noticing the weirdness and shrugging...

P.S. I noticed MIL was not hiding at pick up, she asked me in, tried to make small chat...wasn't in a hurry to get me out the door. I do notice a correlation that when I suspect and have confirmed OW is hanging round, MIL never wants to see me. She is always conveniently at the shops, and quietly off somewhere...Then I think when OW is out of the picture she shows up all friendly and nice again. I assume this is a guilt thing. She can't knowingly look me in the face and be friendly when OW been kicking about the house with my husband I guess.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on October 29, 2018, 06:57:55 AM
she said ''He didn't give a reason, but I told him that was crap because he isn't showing up for anything''...Your D is amazing ;D

Then I think when OW is out of the picture she shows up all friendly and nice again. I assume this is a guilt thing.
Thats exactly what it is.
She can't knowingly look me in the face and be friendly when OW been kicking about the house with my husband I guess.
Yip, my ILs dont contact me either anymore. Guilt maybe? I dont contact them either.
To be fair though, my ILs were always low contact, if you didnt visit then you would never see them. ExW was the Family member who Held everything together, SHE was the mother. That was/is her Problem. She brought up her S and Bs whilst MIL was out, they stole her childhood and she jumped ship at 16 because she had to get out. She basically ran away to Nursing School ....

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on November 19, 2018, 04:43:50 AM
Dealing with MLC is like piecing together a puzzle. Sometimes the jigsaw doesn't make sense...you have a hunch but no proof...then a few days later you find a piece...put it in and go ''Uh huh'' or ''Ah now that makes sense''..

Anyway I may or may not have looked at something by chance that fit the puzzle together a bit. ;) I can confirm by the look of things they must have broken up the few weeks I was expecting, and it looks like they got back together directly before Halloween...hints the ''I can't come'' malarkey.

Well suddenly he changed his mind and was able to come..  ::)

The evidence pointed to the fact the night before Halloween he has taken OW to the local Zoo...they had a light up Halloween event. I guess since he managed to book it the night before, he decided he could come trick or treating after all.

Weirdly I wasn't even annoyed at the fact that he almost cancelled on his kids to take her out, I was more interested in the fact he has taken her to a kids event which just...says it all really. :o

Anyway he did show up for trick or treating. He was in a good mood, but kinda uptight and anxious. Not wanting to be the first ones out on the street...made the kids wait until other people were out...then avoiding groups of other kids...That kinda weird anxiety behaviour. Lots of polite chat and jokes. A few moments where I noticed he was standing very close to me, considering our circumstances. The important part is the kids had a good time, but as he left Daughter said ''I want him to come back home''.

That next weekend was his weekend and he contacted me on the Fri at 8pm to ask how the kids were feeling, and sorta...passively trying to get out of taking them at the weekend. But I said everyone is fine, see you tomorrow... Saturday morning I get a text from MIL saying ''Neighbour gave me a lift to shop up the road, his kids have hand foot and mouth just thought I should let you know''....and I called a big fat BS! First off... the shop is round the corner, it is not far enough to get a lift....she doesn't know her neighbour that well...I am not even sure the guy has kids as he is in his 50s..and considering Beast tried to get out of it last night, and now she is magically texting this am...Nope. So I just said ''Ok, See you at 2''.

Unbelievable to try and get out of watching them...when you only have 2 days a month.  >:(

Anyway their $h!tee wasn't washing, so kids went over. Beast was in good spirits and gave me a high five. Wtf was that about? :o

When I picked the kids up on the Sunday the kids said he had been moody and cursing all Saturday. At pick up he seemed almost happy to see me. Offered to walk me out to the car, checked all my lights on the car were working (dark nights here), and sorta lingering around...

Wed- no show for his visit. Daughter was so upset he didn't show she flung her dinner on the floor and stormed up the stairs. I have never seen her do something like that. So I text him to say she was really upset he didn't turn up. He said he will come tomorrow.

Thur- He was here for an hour. Took kids to shop for sweets, and bought me chocolate orange biscuits. Then proceeded to have the weirdest conversation about ''I don't remember if you like chocolate orange biscuits'' which is complete rubbish...because you wouldn't have bought them if I didn't. I simply replied ''You have known me for 15 years, you know what biscuits I like  ??? ''...otherwise he seemed in a decent mood, chatting with me a lot. As he left he offered up that he would be ''putting money in'' aka paying child maintenance tomorrow. Funny because I never asked him about it...he usually doesn't mention it unless I ask.

It is odd he can't still refer to it as maintenance.  ::)

Next again Wed he actually turned up. Chatty and helping me fix a game for the boys. Offered me more sweet he had brought, and another bloody high five as he left. What the $h!te is that?!  :o

This weekend he said I could bring the kids Friday night as MIL is away with her BF on holiday. I took the kids over at 8 pm. He seemed stressed and there were beds everywhere. Yes.. you read that right...beds. There was one out in the yard, 2 set up in the living room, one in each bedroom, and at least 3 on their sides in the hall and living room that are going out I guess? I really don't know what all that was about. I mean even if OW moved in, Beast has a double bed so wouldn't need beds? I have no idea what 6 beds laying about is but I was laughing hysterically inside because I could see his OCD going bat $h!te. He was cursing his mom's name for leaving this mess for him coming home from work. Oh he was so mad. He was like ''Come in and look at the state of this! Why would she do this to me?! And then F off to ____'' ;D

Well when I picked the kids up on Sunday... the mood was completely different. He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't speak to me. When I spoke to him he grunted and walked away. This felt odd after all his high fives lately.  ::)

So when I get in the car and he is away I ask the kids ''Whats up with dad'' and apparently...BIL found S's Facebook account and showed Beast. There is nothing on it about me, it is not linked to me...we aren't FB friends..there is no picture of me... just pictures of S and his life. Beast apparently started the 4th inquisition...asking the kids 100 q's about S. Apparently he asked daughter something and she eventually said ''What do you expect, mom to stay alone forever''.

Things with S aren't even serious...or a thing...or.. I don't even know to be honest. My brain is still stuck on life is temporary ATM.

But regardless, for a man who left his family...who doesn't want to be with me...who is happy with his OW...he sure does seem upset about the IDEA of S....

And also prove Nah's point...they are watching, even when you think they aren't.  :o
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on November 19, 2018, 05:13:17 AM
They surely are watching Mort, even my XW knows what im doing and asks about me apparently :o

Next time beast trys to high five you just look like  ::) and say "aint Feeling it im afraid". Should do the trick.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 19, 2018, 07:30:56 AM
Maybe this one?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/onr19ai2JcEI8/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Sam I Am on November 19, 2018, 09:27:20 AM
Morte - I love the puzzle analogy.  You are right.   Things do seem to come to us when we find the right piece.

Love the wit of your daughter.  Wonder where she got that from! 

I have no doubt that your life is going to work out just great no matter what happens with beast! 
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on November 20, 2018, 01:27:18 AM
Whyus I can imagine his face...followed by the sulking!  ;D

UM, I mean...that is a perfect gif. Do you think I could pretend my hand slipped? Of course knowing him he would tell everyone how I punched him in the face and nearly took his eye out or something.  ::)

Sam thanks for the encouragement. I know it will too! :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on November 26, 2018, 05:26:47 AM
So where were we...oh yeah the FB stalking debacle..

Whelp after that I ended up with a radiator that leaked all over the upstairs bedroom carpet. Of course Beast was straight in to fix it on the Wed. Now... keep in mind last time I saw him was at pick up, where he grunted and refused to look at me... Now he shows up at my house, backpack full of goodies, wearing my favourite shirt, and jacket, cologne up to the teeth (I forgot what he smelled like, he hasn't been wearing it like he used to?! ???), hair done... And all ready to fix my radiator. And while he was here he was going to bleed all the radiators in the house, refill the boiler, etc etc.  :o

Whilst getting on with his work he was chatty and happy and in a pretty good mood. Pointedly asking me questions and keeping the convo going.  ???

Now personally I instantly see what this is. He saw S FB page, got mad and threatened...and now is his chance to prove how much I need him, how awesome he is, how good looking (and smelling?! ::)) he is... Mentally I am like 'I see your game' but let him play. He actually stuck around a bit longer, playing games with the boys and not leaving until nearly 6 pm.

Thursday I get a text from MIL asking to have kids Friday night even though Beast was working this weekend. She explicitly stated they had to be picked up at 3 pm on Saturday, she had plans or whatever, so I showed up at 2:55 to collect them. She then invited me into the living room (with the two twin beds :o). And proceeded to chat with me in her pjs. On and on she went, whilst also ...very subtly...giving clues to the mood in the house. We discussed what the beds were all about, she was basically switching them up, changing her mind, then ended up with to many in the mean term...but MIL said ''Beast didn't share my vision. Honestly it is like living with my Dad'' Now her dad is well known to be a grumpy, moody buggar. So ... yeah.

She doesn't smile or seem content or happy when she talks about him. She gets the sort of...look about her, the frown, furrowed eyebrows, slumped shoulders...that you get when you live with someone like that. Anyone who has been there will know exactly what I mean. I kinda wondered how often in the year leading up to BD I had that same look. Yet at the same time I felt such a rush of relief, and if I am honest, gratitude. I am so glad that I got to walk away that day, when he was raging about these beds, and not have to deal with his moods over it. I literally got to turn around, walk out the door, have a chuckle, and forget about it. She is still living in the grief from it. The nice part of me feels a little bad for her, but...at the same time.. She has done nothing to confront him, she enables him at every turn, she ignored me when I begged her for help..so..

Anyway after 30-40 minutes I got fed up and wanted to leave. So I politely started saying things like ''Right guys get your stuff together'' etc. That is probably the longest I have talked to MIL since the beginning of the year.

Saturday night I am minding my own business, and all of a sudden at  11:30 pm Beast texts me?! Starting out with ''Daughter been acting weird.'' and I said ''Yeah why you say that?'' and he said ''Shes been off. clingy and distant. She was fine for ages, last twice she has been, not been herself'' so I just said ''Yeah, I agree''...and he said ''Something happen to her''...and I said ''Shes been upset about the situation again. Asking to do stuff as a family, but..I don't know how to discuss that with you to be honest. It is the same thing she was going through b4 (the family holiday). Saying she wishes she had a family with a dad n stuff''

Now I would like to note that everything I said in that text is 100% fact. My daughter has been upset and crying again. After he left on Halloween the first thing she said was she wanted him to come home. She has routinely stated how she wishes she had a 'real family' or a 'family with a dad'. She gets upset and stroppy, and angry. I had asked her what would help, or make her feel better and she said ''If we could do stuff like we used to, our whole family''. Of course I haven't text Beat about that because the first thing he would think is that I want to do these things, because I LURVE him so much or whatever.  ::)

Anyway back to the conversation his response was ''Somehow, I don't think its my fault. I'm going to take her out on Wednesday, see if she will talk.''

Now...My instant instinct was WTF RAGE. Can he be so blind to think that it doesn't affect her? That I am simply trying to blame him?! I was minding my own firetrucking business...why bother asking if you don't wanna know?! But I simply said to myself 'He is crazy remember'..I thought of all the responses I could say: ''Of course it is'' or ''Of course it's not  ::) '' or ''Nothing ever is'' or ''Must be mine'' or you get the drift.

Instead, I said nothing. Let him do what he wants. It isn't me that he needs to convince, it's himself.

I won't give him the satisfaction of me blowing up at him, and he is a victim because he was only checking up on his daughter or...whatever.

I guess I see him actually texting as either a tiny step forward in that he is actually noticing she is upset and thinking about it in the quiet hours of the night, or a poor excuse to contact me at 11:30 at night.

On a more personal note I am definitely in a 'go with the flow' type of internal feeling. Everything is temporary at the moment in my mind. My study, my house, this situation, people in general...all of it is temporary. And with that deep acceptance came a lot of...peace. I have lived through a lot in my life, even though I am so young. Abuse, neglect, moving away, marriage, mental health, homelessness...But all of it..all of it is temporary. We just have to get through the days while we are in it. Once you get through those dark situations, they become just memories. Memories that are painful, and shape us, and change us, but they do not dictate your future. You do.

I was doing a youtube video watch, where you watch one video, then something in the thumbnails catch your eye so you watch that, then another..and so on..until the original thing you were watching has lead you to something completely unrelated.

And one video that caught my eye was Signs of a Narc (which I have been pretty clear, I originally thought may be Beast's problem when I found HS). Anyway in the video this lady talking just struck a chord in my heart. Speaking to me as if it was my story she was telling, one of those shining light 'Ah ha' moments that I haven't felt in a long time. And interestingly she said ''We keep loving the Beast, hoping to change him into a prince'' and the sheer coincidence of that with the title of my thread...I dunno. I see it as a sign, you may not...Whatever.

I bought her book. I have never bought a self help book. Most things I google or watch videos on. But she was just straight into the deeper hidden layers. The places people never talk about. I had to know more.

I started reading it as soon as it was in my house. It is so good, I wanted to sit and read all the way through it...but I can't.

It evokes such strong emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. It is digging deep...really deep which is emotionally draining.

At the same time I feel like my eyes are being peeled open, little tiny details she is saying that happened to me, and I blew off...things I assumed were normal, but are clearly not. But at the same time a layer of rage. Rage at myself. For being so silly, or naive, or weak or whatever to allow this to happen to me type of feelings.

Anyway this book is aimed at people who are trying to survive with a narc but I will be damned if they don't apply to MLC too:

''They (LBS) get stung over and over again, and even when they KNOW harm is coming, they still believe this time will be different.''

''They are masterful at blaming other people for their discontent.''

''They are careless. They barrel through life, using relationships and people as objects, tools, and folly. They expect other people to clean up their mess.''

Most pointedly

''We fall in love with them, we build lives with them, we have children with them and sometimes we can't let go of them. Even as they destroy us.''

''Being in a relationship with a narc is in essence being in a relationship with someone who will never listen to you or hear you.''


Her overall stance so far seems to be that the Narc is never going to change. You can train their behaviour a bit, but just like a rubber band...as soon as there is stress in their life they will revert back to their natural pattern of behaviour. The only thing you can do is to manage YOUR expectations of what you can get from the relationship if you decide to stay, though she highly suggests you shouldn't, but understands some people do.

For those interested: Should I stay or should I go? by Ramani Durvascula
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on November 26, 2018, 06:44:55 AM
Well, Beast is still behaving like a teenager apparently.
Hmmm, pretty sure that if he talks to your girl he's going to get more than he bargains for in terms of Truth Darts.
But I'm sorry that your daughter has to learn these life lessons so young, if confident that she has her mother's strength to work them out.

The narcissist debate is a valid one for most of us bc we are dealing with people who do behave like narcissists often. Our instinct tells us that to be so self-centred isn't normal or good for an adult. And of course like most of these things, it operates on a spectrum. Each of us will reflect on the relationship we had and decide for ourselves if we didn't see things we see differently now, or if small previous patterns have been exaggerated to extremes, or if other bits really does seem unlike the person we knew.

In a way, the core assumption of MLC and standing is perhaps based on the belief that it is a (long) temporary unravelling that brings out the darkest parts of someone, but that some 'core' of who they were still exists also. I must admit as I stopped believing that about my h, seeing him as permanently changed and almost choosing to let the dark side of his character define him, that was a turning point for me. At the same time, I see plenty that absolutely was not his character before - the callousness and cruelty and rage - as well as exaggerated bits of his old self - anxiety, avoidance, a level of cowardice perhaps. In a way, looking back, it's as if his dark was kept at bay somehow bc my flaws are the opposite. Or they used to be LOL.

And I think most of us know that strange point - which we never initially imagined we'd feel - when we are simply relieved that the dark exhausting crazy is not in our day to day lives. Quite normal. We put down the wish to carry others luggage I think. And that makes us look at them, and ourselves and life, a bit differently. Gosh, we are a band of liberated fixers here aren't we? We give up first because we see we can't, and then maybe we start questioning if we even want to.

I often wonder if the biggest gift as an LBS is that we reclaim our confidence in our own gut instinct when nothing seems to make sense. And our choices of course may evolve based on that.

I think you're right about the temporary feeling too. I haven't quite come to terms with that myself. Somehow it has left me feeling that nothing really matters but sad about that bc I still want to believe that some things do. At the same time, it makes it easier to ride the punches doesn't it?

How are things going with your life, Morte? Studies? S? Plans?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on November 26, 2018, 12:43:12 PM
Hey Treasur nice to hear from you again. :)

Studies going great. Last year I was drowning barely staying afloat. This year I just got my first assignment back and it was a 91. I am enjoying it and able to focus most days. No more trying to identify a snail species based on shell patterns while my life is blowing apart.  :o ;D

This year is all about pathogens. The good, the bad, the ugly...but I really love it. If I lived in USA I might have even considered a path into the CDC! But I digress..

S is good. He is a great guy. The type of guy I need in my life in terms of...relaxing, calm, type of atmosphere. I always feel comfortable around him, I don't feel wound up..or on edge...or like he will explode over the type of bread I made his sand which with. We hang out every two weeks or so. It is nice to have adult company for a while, and let's be honest, a bit of male admiration. But I am basically snail pacing him. I am no where near ready to commit to being anything more than hanging out a couple times a month.

Goes back to the whole thing about what I am conditioned for and used to. I had been reading pre mentioned book and I was talking with a friend, and trying to explain it..I don't think I have ever posted it here but here goes.

In the book she said ''children who spend their childhood trying to please their narc parent, go on to pick a narc partner to try and please. But the problem is it is impossible to please the narc, you never really feel really heard or loved...because the narc has limited empathy, so frankly you aren't heard.'' then she went on to say how it can be hard to cultivate normal relationships and friendships because you are so trained on dysfunction, that normal and healthy interactions feel like something is missing.

And it was like fireworks went off in my head. This is how I described it to my friend:

A constant feeling of being on the edge of a fence trying to walk along. If you move, and talk, and act just right...then they are happy, and they love you, and life is good. If you slip of the edge, or start to teeter, then they are unhappy and explode.  So you take your verbal beating, swear to do it better, and climb back up on the fence. You walk straighter, with a smile on your face, as the wind blows at you...until you fall again. They explode again, you swear this time will be different..you will get it right. But each time is harder to climb back up. Once you are back on the edge you try even harder, you smile until your face hurts, you dance and sing, and try anything...anything to stay on the perfect edge.

This cycle keeps repeating, and it isn't until many years later you realise.. that each climb up the fence cost you a little piece of yourself.

Then suddenly, without warning... the fence is removed.

Now you are a singing dancing hollow puppet...you don't remember what you ever wanted, what made you..you... and now there is not fence to climb.


In all honesty that story...fits my father....but also Beast. While you walk the edge, life is sunny and beautiful and perfect. But when you don't...


Now I have the tough part of figuring out how long it was like that. How long have I been dancing and not even realised I was on the fence? Did I move from my father's fence straight onto Beast's?

Will I ever feel whole and complete in a relationship that has no fence? Is that what I feel like is 'missing'? Because I am raised on dysfunction? How the hell do I fix that?

Is all the intense, deep, passionate, world worshipping love that I felt for Beast...actually some sorta dysfunctional trauma bond?

I really don't know. But I am not hurting as much any more and I feel like it is time to pick it apart a little a time. I need answers. Did I just see what I wanted to? Did I delude myself? Am I just some sorta trauma bonded lunatic who wants the fence back because I am so used to the dance?

Sometimes talking to S, I say the weirdest $h!te and don't even realise it is weird. I fret and worry about things, that don't matter to normal people...but I expect them to matter to men in my life (read mattered to my father and/or Beast).

So love? Not there. Not there for anyone yet. Right now...I am trying to piece my past together a bit. Figure out what is real, what is normal, what is healthy, and what...was dancing.

S is helping me realise what a normal person is like. And it feels so weird. So uncomfortable...so foreign.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on November 26, 2018, 10:54:31 PM
Thats some powerful stuff your onto there mort and im sure that the realization of it all (from your Dad to beast) will help you enormously once you figure it out.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on November 26, 2018, 11:35:35 PM
I've been in the opposite situation, Morte, like a toddler dealing with dysfunction because I didn't grow up with it. Foreign language to me so my life lesson has been about my naivety perhaps. But others here have shared some of your musings on their own FOO experience and how it might have contributed to their path here.

The one thing I'm sure about though is that you will figure it out and, with the gift of detachment, make choices that are good for you and your kids. I suspect you are in the fast lane now and Beast in the slow lane will be rather surprised when he realises that you are no longer the same Morte he left in the family home while he went back to being a teenager.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Mortesbride on November 29, 2018, 01:30:43 AM
Well I lost my LBS $h!te yesterday.

It was day two dealing with a non-MLC issue. In summary someone made a decision that was going to affect me for the next 6 weeks, but they did so in a panic. Like OMG the world is ending, CXL everything! And before they even spoke to me...to get ideas...or brainstorm solutions...or think up alternatives...they had already made the decision.

And something in me flipped. I was definitely in high roller ''how dare you make a decision that affects me without giving me a voice''... I was so pissed. Really pissed.

Perhaps unjustifiably pissed, but speaking to a few outside parties, agreeably I had a right to be.

I know myself I probably over reacted because...anything that stinks of Beast's behaviours from someone else and I am DONE! Emphasis, capital, bold...Done!


Anyway, so I am already in this pissed off, irritated state, and it is Wed. And Beast actually decides to show up today! Yay...

He is taking daughter out, because he is ever so worried about her remember  ::), and instead of just leaving, he is hanging about....for 20 minutes. And I am like ''Are you going or what?!'', daughter is getting impatient...hes pacing around like a loon. Eventually I say.. ''So are you walking, or getting a taxi or?!''

And he said ''no uh'' in that stupid way...that you know means more...and I was like ''You better not be getting a lift with her in the car with my daughter! >:('' and I was not calm or cool. I was just ...about to go nuclear and he knew that was not firetrucking happening. He backpedalled about 100 miles and said ''No no, I have a car 'we share' '' and I was like ''You share huh...why didn't you just say so instead of farting about like an idiot?'' and he looked at me, hoping from one foot to the other...and I was like ''Oh let me guess you need a car seat and your to scared to ask, because you didn't want me knowing you have a car now  ::) ''. And he was all ''Well its not my car, we share it'' and I just rolled my eyes...went out to get daughters car seat....and ....I am not proud of this but I shoved it towards him and said ''I will need that back, and try not to get her firetrucking cooties on it will ya...get out of my house''. The words were harsh but I said them as I smiled in a jokey but pissed way. He muttered something as he left about ''let's not talk about cooties'' or something.

They went off, had their fun...and apparently while out he asked daughter if ''Ball bag'' had been to the house. I assume he is referring to S. He hasn't. But why even ask her, particularly like she is a pal at a bar?! You got your daughter in your OW car...who cares what I do?!

Anyway when they came back I had to remind him to give the seat back  ::), and he brought in customary I firetrucked up chocolates, along with all the kids stuff. Seemed in a decent enough mood. Guess he wasn't too pissed about the cooties comment.

I know it was childish. But I was already on the edge and having to deal with his....crap just sent me over the edge.

My take from this is...

I need to work on my anger when I feel like I am not being heard, or decisions are made for me.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 29, 2018, 01:51:26 AM
Ooh morte, your a bad a$€ don’t mess with me woman. Sometimes you just have to let people know you won’t tolerate being walked over. I think we hold so much back that sometimes we have to let it all out in an explosion now and again.

I wish I could do that and I love how your h just took it cuz he knows not to mess with morte, my h just goes straight to monster and shouts over the top of me so I can’t get a word in and I usually say some comment and leave feeling more enraged as I’ve got nothing off my chest. Xx
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Treasur on November 29, 2018, 02:30:16 AM

My take from this is...

I need to work on my anger when I feel like I am not being heard, or decisions are made for me.

You may be right, Morte, although sometimes we need the anger to say No and see a boundary that matters so not always a bad thing.
Does the 'shared car' thing signify something important for you about the situation?
And maybe your instincts are also saying that you are getting ready to reclaim your right to speak and make some new decisions for yourself too? That you want to be on the front foot more in your situation?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Whyus on November 29, 2018, 03:09:45 AM
You have every right to speak your mind mort, if he doesnt like the truth being said then So what?.
Its not your Problem is it?
He shouldnt be calling S Ball bag to your D though, thats not on. She is too Young for that $h!te.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 29, 2018, 04:21:38 AM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/K6XkBryvr6vbW/giphy.gif)

You know, it is a shame that D isn't a few years older.....

Beast: "Was Ball bag at the house recently"
D: "You were just there to pick me up, weren't you?"

Yep, Goin to Hades... and I'll be saving a seat for anyone else who laughed....
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: Tyks on November 29, 2018, 11:12:59 AM
Lol, you're allowed to lose your sh!t sometimes.  Idiots
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: KeepItTogether on November 29, 2018, 03:46:03 PM
Well I once told my H to not come around me and S bc I was pretty sure he and ow had Hep C. Which they don’t. As far as I know. Anyway, we bottle so much all the time, stuff comes out every so often. We aren’t perfect.

They share a car. 🤮 What could possibly go wrong with that scenario?
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 8
Post by: UrsaMajor on December 03, 2018, 06:53:01 AM
MORT!!!!

It's time for thread # 9!