Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: gman242 on October 16, 2018, 07:35:55 AM

Title: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 16, 2018, 07:35:55 AM
Quote
W as now texting me at almost midnight last night. I think I said something about the cat at 10 and right around 11:30 I get woken up by her sending a video of the baby playing and saying bubble, which was really cute. And then she mentions that she wants to bring him over again. She was talking about the the other day too, I don't recall if I mentioned it or not. This of course, right after she just said it's too hard to bring him over, which I know is an excuse. She asked what time S and I get home, earlier that afternoon. I think she had an idea to bring him over after she picked him up from day care, which is when she used to come over right after she moved out and before OM gets home. This morning, for no reason, she texts me some song she was listening to.

So I've got divorce papers signed and sitting on the counter and she starts all this mess. We'll see what happens, if she comes over or not. She 's contacting S more, she misses the cats and she says she needs to bring over the baby. He's welcome, but I end up playing with him mostly and I think it's an excuse for W to see me.

I'm just going to keep calm and carry on like we're getting divorced. It's very hard to patrol this connection / cake eating line!  :o

My last post on my thread.. My answer to Thunder's question about why W wanted the D, in synopsis. And in response to UM.

She's always flip flopped on it. Even when she was at home she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to "go right for the throat with divorce". I confronted her about OM and she said she didn't want to lose me, she started the divorce, I went to my lawyer the first time, she stopped it. That lasted a year and then her layer asked her what she wanted to do and she she said go through with it an then crickets for most of the last year. Now she's "running out of money" so she says and she's after me near weekly to get it done.

I think, she's just going to do whatever is easier or to "just deal with it". She wasn't happy, so she wanted to get caught cheating so i'd end it, she wasn't happy with that, so she tries to phone in being a parent and is actually making some effort now, taking S out by herself. There's progress, but not counting chickens.

UM, whatever she's doing isn't working. Maybe it's the looming finality of the divorce, at the minimum, she seems to miss us. But yes, I agree, when they leave and things don't change, it's harder than ever to deny that big flying fickle finger of fate is pointing right back at you.

(https://media.giphy.com/media/50rOGTtJVg5Ec/giphy.gif)

I don't think at all, the D has anything to do with us. I think it has everything to do with W, her fear of intimacy, her inability to take any kind of decisive action in her life, how she's just let things happen to herself and she just kind of lays where she falls, which is how I think she got into it with OM.

I don't think she ever really wanted it, other than for short time when she thought she was getting away with murder. We've always been best friends. Aside from our rocky start, after her mom died, she was just depressed, but things weren't ever nearly as bad as they were the first few years. They were just difficult, but I never felt like we didn't get along or love one another. I think a lot of it she just runs from negative feelings and blows everything off and that's a lot of what her family does. Things didn't work out at the job. Why not? Because you never showed up maybe.. ?

I know, when we started doing good and before her mom died she was trying. She started thinking about school, she called the police on someone who molested her as a child and she stood up to her mom and her drug use. Of course, she died right after that and the guilt of it was too much and she got in bed and barely got out for the next 6 years and she blamed it on everything from lack of vitamins to her thyroid being off (she's had it checked multiple times and everything is fine). She's just been in denial. To everyone else, her and OM are happy. But if I was, I wouldn't be texting my ex saying this song made me think of you  ::)

I don't think she's trying hard enough, like someone was discussing it in another thread, because she's not miserable enough. I absolutely love her and hope for the best, but I've never been able to help her and I've gotten nothing but jack and schnidt. She tried counseling right away and one night she sat crying on the couch that she wasn't sure if she could do this (fix things). On one hand, it was a really sad and open window into how she must feel on the inside and on the other, it was horribly humiliating. I had been an awesome husband for 15 years and she's telling me, she's not sure if she can be happy with that, her best friend. That's a really hard pill to swallow; I would have done anything for her to be happy and she can't even show up with a smile on her face. Because like UM noted, she's blaming me for something that happened to her and had nothing to do with me.

This is where my deep self learning has come in. I learned I can't hold everyone to the same standard as I do myself and that was really hard for me to learn. Life is just extremely cruel. I'm afraid of settling for someone else, wondering why my best friend has to have these issues and she probably won't ever get over them. Cause like Whyus was saying about his ex, everything worked out for my W... OM takes care of everything and she can play interloper until that blows up. I have to deal with the reality of it and I'm just whining on and on here.

me trying to escape all of my problems

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CgucWNGW4AAil9W.jpg)

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10255.0

Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 16, 2018, 07:54:11 AM
Gman,

Thank you for your reply.  It all makes perfect sense.
She is really in a messed up situation, isn't she?  It sounds like she just doesn't have the inner strength to deal with it, which is so true with many MLCer's.

They just sit back and let life happen to them.  I think that's how these alienators can control them so easily.  The don't fight them.

I wish she would have some kind of awakening but from the sounds of it, it may only happen with some professional help.

I'm sorry Gman, but you are doing really good.  You are not letting her crisis stop you from growing.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 16, 2018, 08:46:49 AM
I think they give up too. Her attitude has always been nothing works out for her, but it's the blinders she puts on. She hates her job, but has never really tried looking for a new one, her mom died and it wasn't her fault, she could never accept the fact that her mom wasn't going to change and be able to have the relationship she wanted with her, she blames her self and does everything she can avoid that feeling, hence all the flirting and cheating. Yeah, it's bizarre to me that someone who was once controlling at home and picked fights with everyone (control issues!) let's OM run everything and control her. No freaking clue honestly.

I think she's had an awakening or in small spurts. She just doesn't believe it's worth her being happy, to pursue that. I think that's the one thing I learned from dating and I learned how to toughen up to it. I know I'm quite the awesome catch that I am, ahem and I think a lot of the women I went out with, really wanted to sort of have it all, with someone like me and in the end, their bad self esteem won over and they chose to settle for nothing, because it was easier than facing the risk of being hurt and facing all of those inner deamons. I think W is just happier with cake.

So I think W is quietly wallowing, missing us and watching our lives move on and this is where I absolutely believe that happiness is a choice. She can choose to be happy, to change, to fix things. I've chosen to be happy without her, because I was given no other choice, she has one and all she has to do is try. I think she is slowly, but is she going to ever leave OM? I think that may be just too big of a speed bump for her. And maybe I'll meet someone someday and she can blow it all off by saying it didn't work out anyway..

Freaking sucks is what it does, but it's reality I think.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on October 16, 2018, 04:09:20 PM
The reason for the divorce is to make the om happy. Then, once he's happy, maybe he'll finally start making her happy. Except that isn't going to work out for her either because OPs don't care about making anyone happy but themselves and the divorce won't change that.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 16, 2018, 04:55:09 PM
No you're right, I didn't mention that.. I think it's being pushed by him. W was being nice all day and I happened to mention I think I'd be running the papers down to the post office on Friday. Then she said oh ok again and nothing all day  :-\ I spun around that for a bit, like it's ok for her to bring it up and when I do, it's not what she wants? It was honestly a neutral, because she asked me to kind of thing. I tried not to monkey brain too hard.

I just figure, or hope on some level, she just wants to please OM until she can get her ducks in a row, however, if he's that controlling, it's not going to end there with the D at all..
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 17, 2018, 08:53:37 AM
I did monkey brain that, although I kept my mouth shut and everything seems to be fine in la la land with W.

I think getting the hiring out of the way has been a load off of my directors shoulders. He seems much more relaxed. They hired a virtual kid and I'm curious to see what he knows. I'm going to be walking a thin line though between subordination and saying "hey I was just the assistant..". I just have to cruise through here until I get my Masters.

I did have a moment yesterday and I threw a pity party. I like what I do, a lot, but I don't find it fulfilling. I think that's a tough distinction and line to define. I think the biggest thing here is I feel taken for granted and like an outsider. It's just me, everyone else I bump elbows with is IT. In fact the other day I needed help on a project and they said they were going out to lunch and I was like well I'll go and we can come back and finish, but they were meeting some other techs and well, I went to lunch by myself and then met them back in the room.

That's the kind of stuff that gets me down. I'm no longer working directly with anyone and that's really where I get my joy from. Continuing on that thread, I met up with the rep that came out last time and we talked in the hall for a bit and he asked me what my role at the college was as I seem very knowledgeable about the AV stuff. So it may have just been my bruised ego talking. The other rep that came out too was really nice..

I'm a great guy and everyone likes me, what can I say! lol.

I just feel I have this stink I can't seem to get rid of. My wife left me, I didn't get a promotion, I've been feeling like a stock character in hallmark Christmas movie.  :-\ but, those were the two biggest things holding me back and I've really been given a second chance here to clean the slate and start over. I feel worse, but my interactions have been making me feel better and better about myself. It's weird I know.. and I'll get to a point where I don't even feel bad anymore because I'll know my worth and won't even question it, because everyone around me can see it and I'm the one who can't.

Everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense at first, I think. Just trucking on here..
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 19, 2018, 09:44:29 AM
I texted W yesterday to ask about some papers and things. She was very keen on helping out, but she didn't respond for several hours and ended up calling me to talk about it.

She wanted to stop by Wednesday but didn't because my mom was over. They just got back from ny and she wanted to see us. I think W just missed my voice.

Her latest thing is telling me she hardly uses the phone anymore. But facebook says She's been up until 1am and she texts me more often now at 12. I wonder if she's back to sleeping on the couch  ::)

We got new copiers at work, part of some pay for print deal and it cut out the scanner. Rather than pay for new toner at home, I bought a photo printer / scanner. I want S to get a gmail and I want to scan photos and documents and put them to where he has access to them. My parents were very hands off about that kind of thing and I don't want to be with S.

The new guy at work has started and he's way over his head. I really think the VP just wants people to jump to and cater to his whims. I was talking to another manager and he's always frustrated that he can't him to respect protocol and chains of command departmental boundaries. I'm sure that's why I didn't get hired. I provide my opinion based on my experience as a public servant and a tech who supports the staff and teachers.

So their loss really although I really feel good about myself and how many accolades I've gotten over the last year working by myself. It was really an experience I needed. I really want to teach but I can now see myself maybe being a dean, assist and dean etc. I have much more confidence in myself now along with a better perspective of myself. And I'm not going to miss the physical work at all.. The roadie life is not for me anymore.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 19, 2018, 12:24:07 PM
I'm happy you're working towards a goal.  You will be much happier doing what you really want to do.

What made you think by what she said she didn't want it (when she said..oh ok)?

Or was it that she didn't say any thing more?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 19, 2018, 12:44:37 PM
It was both.. in general she has this pattern of telling me it's ok she understands how busy I am and she lets it go for 6 weeks and then she's on me daily to get it done. And then I step right up and say I got it done and she goes silent right after being chatty. Maybe I'm inferring, but she seems more comfortable when she brings it up and when she's in charge. All part of her flip flopping I guess.  ::)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 19, 2018, 01:20:53 PM
Ok, I understand, it's like she doesn't like YOU bringing it up.  She needs that control.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 19, 2018, 02:54:50 PM
Bingo!

That's what I meant  ;D


She's consonantly doing the hokey pokey though. She said she can't bring the baby over because it's too difficult, then midnight the other night she's telling me she really needs to bring him over. She couldn't and I think that's why she called.

I bought a scanner and I said I wanted to scan important documents and pictures so S can have a copy for safe keeping and she mentioned that I can share the photos with her too and she said she left them over here, because she wasn't sure how to split them up.  ::) She left everything meaningful to her here and she's made sure she knows where it is and that I didn't get rid of it. She's got a big ol anchor sitting here I guess.

So no, I don't think she wants the D, even if she's going through with it, but she wants to be in control.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 19, 2018, 03:46:00 PM
Well that makes sense.

Gman, I think when their in this fog the have no clue what they want or don't want because they cycle so much back and forth. One day their certain the next day they change their mind.  I think that is why she is so undecided all the time about coming over.

I'm going to say something that is not going to be popular.  She is most likely also lying to her OM.
Yes, she is married but for all he knows she wants to be with him.  She isn't going anywhere.
He was completely wrong getting together with her as a married woman, but no one knows for sure what story they were told.

I'm NOT standing up for him, they are all pond scum in my opinion and have no respect for themselves, but it may be possible he does think she wants out and is pressuring her because she's dragging her feet.  He may want to either marry her or just see her free herself from you.  So in a sick way he may think he's helping her.  IDK

I don't think we can always put the blame in the OM/OW.
We are better off putting the blame where it belongs, square on the spouse.  They have a choice.  Even if it's a difficult one, it IS their choice.  No one else's.  No one can force them to do anything they don't want to do.

I just hope once she gets those D papers it wakes her up to the reality of what she is doing.

Because she will be losing a great guy and will regret it.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 22, 2018, 06:52:03 AM
Mid-Lifers can, and often DO concoct the most amazing stories to "hook" the OM/OW. They can be quite convincing - "We're just roommates now, we're separated, the D is already on-going"...etc.  And it is ALL lies...

Thunder has a very good point about the OM/OW being culpable but they are also usually naive and believe what the Mid-Lifer is spewing... When things start to NOT go the way the Mid-Lifer depicted them, the OM/OW has 2 choices - pressure the Mid-Lifer to follow through or dump them on the spot... Guess which one is easier?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on October 22, 2018, 07:27:37 AM
Gman, i Hope your ok dude.
Reading Stuff like "I think W just missed my voice. " and " I wonder if she's back to sleeping on the couch" got my alarmbells ringing.
Try Not to Monkey Brain Everything, look After yourself
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: BBhelp on October 22, 2018, 12:13:05 PM
Hang in there buddy.  You got this!

Stay Strong.

BB
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on October 22, 2018, 05:17:24 PM
Hey there GMan. Following along. Hope you are doing well.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Mrs.Smiling on October 23, 2018, 05:08:49 PM
Quote
It was both.. in general she has this pattern of telling me it's ok she understands how busy I am and she lets it go for 6 weeks and then she's on me daily to get it done. And then I step right up and say I got it done and she goes silent right after being chatty. Maybe I'm inferring, but she seems more comfortable when she brings it up and when she's in charge. All part of her flip flopping I guess.

I have to agree with this as I have seen the same actions from H. As long as he brings up the paperwork and the divorce it's like a rush to get it taken care of. As soon as I mention through text that everything is done on my side lets meet to get this filed. It's all silence. Control.
I'm not about to rush a divorce simply because he needs to "clear his conscious" of his affair. Which is what was discussed last visit. This is his rush to get it done. As i quoted before so he can "feel better about what he is doing". Nice. Again, it's simply not about anyone else but them and what they want.

Choose to move forward, you know you are doing good. Keep thinking positive and work through your moments. Don't hide them as they always come back worse than the first round. The sooner you work through them, you can close the door and move on to the next.

Just catching up!
Smiles!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on October 23, 2018, 06:09:41 PM
Mid-Lifers can, and often DO concoct the most amazing stories to "hook" the OM/OW. They can be quite convincing - "We're just roommates now, we're separated, the D is already on-going"...etc.  And it is ALL lies...

This. MLCers lie to OW/OM as much as they lie to the LBS.

OW/OM have their share of responsability, but who knows what the MLCer told/sold them.

MLCers and divorce... I have the king of wanting divorce, but never really doing a thing about it. He got lawyers, court, you name. Divorce? Deal? Settlement? Not really. Least I would fancy marry someone else.

Control and manipulation at its best.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 23, 2018, 06:55:23 PM
It's been a couple days.. Sorry for just checking in now.. I spent the last few days prepping for an event at work, it lasted half of today, tore down said event, got to take a half day, went to ikea for lunch, picked up son, got home at 4:30, fell asleep until 6:30, had left overs for dinner, made a group online meeting at 7, that got over at 8, took a shower and here I am!

So, I got to spent some time with the new kid and I mean that literally.. I think he's just been told what to do forever and that's fine with him. He doesn't seem to have really in depth knowledge about anything, according to what he said, his dad is a pretty wealthy lawyer in Boston and just paid him to go to whatever music production school he wanted. I don't think he's that smart honestly. I don't mean that as a put down, just a reflection. He has no assertiveness or decision making ability, so far. He even asked me to go to the bathroom the other day, like a student would or something. I thought it was odd too that he sat down right next to my desk where I have model military planes and a couple photos from Kuwait and he didn't pick up on it at all. Anyway, I think he's what they want, someone who isn't an independent thinker.

This far into it though, I know I'm in the right professionally. I think one thing I know may have ticked off the VP was a room redesign I did and I gave him three options, cheap middle and maxed out and he literally said, I wasn't giving him any options. And then I asked him what would he like me to design for him and he never wrote me back. It's clearly not me, that is the issue here and I think it's a huge loss for the college.

That said, my mornings are rough. I wake up feeling depressed. My wife left me, some unqualified kid got the promotion I wanted (yeah I know, blessing in disguise) and so far, dating has been like visiting hours at the insane asylum. I'm really starting to feel like a stock character from a lifetime or hallmark movie of the week movie..  :-\

BUT, around my third or fourth cup of coffee, all of the positive validations and affirmations I've had in the past year, working alone start to kick in and I realize, I'm in total control of my life for the first time and everyone, except the VP, thinks I'm awesome, including me.

My self assessment / inventory seems to be evolving too. I thought I was good at the AV stuff, but I'm also good at project management, I know how to get things done, listen to needs and provide tangible solutions and I'm good working with people. I'm a good teacher, but I'm also starting to see being a good dean or administrator starting to show up on the horizon. Things are evolving for sure. My school work isn't hard and I have As in both classes and I see no reason why I'm not going to graduate and can't expect to continue being awesome more and more.

I just think it's some kind of transition here. I'll slowly stop looking at the negative things like some kind of confirmation bias and I'm starting too look at all the positive things and I think I'm seeing myself as other people see me for the first time in my life.



I'm going to say something that is not going to be popular.  She is most likely also lying to her OM.


I just hope once she gets those D papers it wakes her up to the reality of what she is doing.

Because she will be losing a great guy and will regret it.


Thunder, I don't know why you think that'd be unpopular. As Anjae just said (I was literally going to reply to the same thing, myself a few days ago) they lie to the OP as much as they lie to us, I think that's 100% a given with MLC.

Thank you and I think she already regrets it.  :-\ But, the bright side here is the two biggest things that have been holding me back my whole recent life, my marriage and my job, are now off the table. So it's her and the college's loss really. One can hope she gets her acct together. I think she wants to, but it may be decades down the road.

For the most part, I'm really in acceptance with it. I love her, I miss her, but for the last 6 years or so, she laid in bed and didn't try. She just cheated to end things and then that would force her to deal with the aftermath, because she couldn't confront anything within herself to try to attempt to fix anything and that's kind of my hang up, since all I did was encourage her to get help. I found old emails I wrote to her after BD, pleading with her to do the same. But, that's also where I get to get off guilt free. At work and in my marriage, I did everything to best of my ability and it's their loss really. Sad, but it's the truth.

Gman, i Hope your ok dude.
Reading Stuff like "I think W just missed my voice. " and " I wonder if she's back to sleeping on the couch" got my alarmbells ringing.
Try Not to Monkey Brain Everything, look After yourself

She called me because she said her phone was acting up. She didn't text me all day and then a phone call out of nowhere and then after we hung up, she texted me screen shots of some political text message she got and a few other things. Whatever wasn't working, suddenly cleared itself up!  ;D No monkey braining on my end, I honestly think that's what happened, it was just an excuse to call.

Same with her texting at midnight, f all if I know what's going on. I just assume she gives into temptation..

Mrs Smiling, I'm glad to know I'm not the only! I think it's OM pressuring her, more than her conscience. At first the D was about screw and good bye then nothing and now I think it's at OMs behest like UM is saying. But, yeah, I think she likes to be in control because it's an ego thing. You can't fire me I quit or their version of it!

BBH, KIT, I'm great! More ups than downs these days! Trying to make everyday better than the last.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Helpingme! on October 24, 2018, 03:44:14 AM
Drink more coffee Gman. Ha.
Your right my friend, their loss, not yours. Keep on living. 
I think we all look and want the BIG thing to make tomorrow a better day. But as you said, just a little can make a better day.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 24, 2018, 05:54:49 AM
I have the same experience as Mrs. Smiling....

STBXW was all "Let's get this show on the road!"  until I told her that I had turned my paperwork around months ago within 36 hours of receiving the request/demand... Then it got REALLY quiet... until she told me that the court had threatened her with legal sanctions if she didn't poop or get off the pot. After that I got a copy of FOUR (!) letters from her L offering excuses why things weren't turned in by the deadline...

Na ja, whatever... Not my farm, not my cows, not my BS ...
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 24, 2018, 06:43:35 AM
Yep they don't expect you to do the paperwork without begging them to wait, think about it.  Being upset.

You are supposed to be dragging your feet, not them.   ;D
I think it kind of throws cold water on their plans.  Not going the way they expected 
Why are they not fighting this??  Why are they ok with this?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 24, 2018, 10:52:07 AM
And speaking of, papers are signed and will be mailed soon!

Overall, I'm kinda bummed how things worked out, but also overall, I'm tired of putting up with $h!te and being unhappy. I can't change the past and I'm a bit frustrated with trying and just waiting to get onto the future.

If there's anything to learn from my life, the lesson would you can still be a good person, do good things and still be successful in your own life; they aren't mutually exclusive. I don't want to rehash everything that's put me here on the eve of being 44 years old, but seriously, my old life, I'm breaking up with you. It's you, not me and I can't expect to keep doing the same thing and oping I'll get a different result. I'm taking my lessons learned and setting sail for better world. You can't fire me, I quit. Lather, rinse and repeat. Always separate your colors and please don't call me Shirley.  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 24, 2018, 11:14:22 AM
And W completely ignored my message about being signed, sealed, delivered, not yours.  ;D She's thanking me for scanning and emailing over some letters she got in the mail. And whyus, no, no monkey braining, but there's always a sort of "sorry I haven't talked to you", in everything she says.. the baby was sick, fussy, she left her phone somewhere (as of now, it's been in the freezer, the car, on the grass overnight, broken twice..)  ::)

But.. we're getting divorced because she's running out of money with the lawyer. No, why bother fixing anything.. when the divorce was abated (that kind of sounds dirty lol) for a year.

And yes I have my sense of humor back. it's been freeing knowing the D is rolling to being done, I didn't get the job.. my bags are packed. it's time for me now.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 24, 2018, 11:32:13 AM
You made me laugh!   ;D  Shirley.  ha ha ha

I get it Gman, you can only hit you head against the wall so many times and you learn you're only hurting YOUR head, no one else's.  They don't care if your head hurts.   >:(

Let her get her divorce and see how happy it makes her.  It won't, but they feel they have to do it.
I'd mail them puppies today.
Your job?  Phffft!  You'll be gone soon.

You're right it is time for you!   ;D

Gman, you can choose any life you want. 
Choose one with joy in it.   :)

Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on October 24, 2018, 12:27:00 PM
Nice work G! I read somewhere that the act of simply makeing a decision whether it leads to what w want or not, is both liberating and soul satisfying. Especially when one has lived in limbo for a time.

Yes, what Thunder said. Choose your own life. One with joy. I live this. I will try the same!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on October 25, 2018, 11:22:55 AM
Thunder, I agree! Took long enough for me to realize!

KIT, thanks for reading along and for the support! 

I dropped off the papers at lunch today. The morning was a little bit rough, but I couldn't tell how much of that was due to the usual morning funk. I'm ahead in my school work, so for a little bit today at work, when it was slow, I started taking practice tests for the earth and space and general teacher knowledge exams and I did really well. I'm surprised by how much I remember from my earlier course work and all of the science stuff. It just sinks in because I get it, I like it. That should be the kind of relationship you have with your job.

I met my old boss for a coffee and life went on and I don't feel any different now, then I did yesterday, about dropping off the papers. I think W was hunting and pecking though for a response; she was being a bit playful and whipping out $$. That seems to be the only thing she can do right now is transfer $$. i guess she still wants to be needed. She wanted to help pay because when we were in orlando last weekend seeing the show, I paid for dinner for us and S's friends family. They've always done nice things for us and helped out with transportation from school, so I wanted to do something nice and W says she owes them too. So.. le sigh. her and S talked for 30 mins last night and S asked her to come see him. We'll see what happens on that front.

I dunno, I guess that's about it for now. Things are strange though, I have to get over that morning hump and when I do, things are fine, things are normal. It's really weird feeling in control and not blaming my self all the time. Everyone is super proud of me, I guess it's finally sinking it.  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on October 25, 2018, 11:43:11 AM
 ;D  GOOD!

You deserve to be proud of yourself.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on October 25, 2018, 02:36:35 PM
;D  GOOD!

You deserve to be proud of yourself.

Yes you do! As far as getting through the funk—-that is the only way my friend. We have to get through it. But oh boy, once we do, watch out world! And look at all you have already accomplished. Amazing.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 04, 2018, 07:45:44 AM
I thought I had responded to guys, I guess not! So thanks again Thunder and KIT!

I think I started to post and I stopped. I either wanted to avoid my feelings or let them percolate, I'm not sure.

After I signed and mailed off the D papers, W came over that Saturday. She was pleasant, but I could she was avoiding looking at me in the eye and I caught her looking at me and then avoiding my gaze when I went to look at her, when I was talking. She brought the baby over and he was a lot of fun, S even played with him for a bit.

At one point, W wanted to know where the box of letter and photos of her mom was. She was nice about it, which was a first, but she threw some mixed signals. She asked me if I minded if she look under the bed and then I told her I knew where it was and I got the box and a large envelope down for her. I had taken all of her stuff at one point or another and put it aside for her, but she puts off these vibes like I did something to her. S even noticed and commented on it later. But she put on her "mine!" act for a second and then let it drop.

I didn't react to it, but I'm thinking now, this far along, maybe she does that when she has trouble communicating how she feels. And of course, nearly every time she comes over, she has to take something with her. I have a feeling she tells OM I'm keeping her stuff and won't let her have it or something and that's the reason she comes over, is to pick it up.

Anyway, Tuesday, she started getting really.. friendly? Like almost a little flirty and trying to be charming. Then Wednesday she told me she went to sign the papers at her lawyers. And then she threw in a joke about finding an issue with them, in that she's still going to support and pay for things for S after he's 18.

I think my issue is currently, is all of the mixed messages have my anxiety up and I'm just "frozen" internally. That's something I read that is a by product of it and if anything at home years ago, it was inconsistent. This is probably the mechanism that has held me back all of those years. Nobody was ever happy at work or home and I was just a frozen lump who tried to avoid dealing with it all.

But, my feelings are really sad and frustrated. I don't think she's happy I went through with signing the papers, yet nearly everyday she was like "have you signed the papers yet? when do you think you can have them in the mail by?". And what exactly was I supposed to do?!  ::) This is where I have to be the new me and say hey, this is what you wanted. If you don't, you need to fix it and not expect me to delay things. She's probably hoping I will and is only going through with it because of OM, but I don't get an option here. It may be worse if I never respond to it either. I don't know and I don't want to take that chance either.

I don't know.. I'm not sleeping well now and I'm having early morning dreams and thoughts about her. When we were together, I would have done anything to make her / see her happy, therapy, moved etc. I'm working so hard to get myself ahead too. I wish she would just say I'm sorry this happened and I want to fix it and not shower me with the mixed messages and breadcrumbs. I honestly think that's the hardest thing to do, is to turn a blind eye to them and keep on moving.

Sorry if this is a little all over the place. I'm trying to unfrozen my feelings.

W has a job interview today at the Y for the nursery. She's hoping to work there on the weekends. She still talk a lot about how the class is helping her and oh, yeah, that's what I was going to tell you guys.. she was talking about generativity, which is about people who engage with others and work positively to make connections and try and create lasting things in this world vs people who stagnate. She sent me a link to an article she had been reading and the people that stagnate, go through.. you guess it, a mid life crisis.  ;D I was like you don't say.. how ironic this all is.

https://www.verywellmind.com/generativity-versus-stagnation-2795734

I know the seeds for her progress and success are all in there. She's on a slow boat though..

I don't know where I was going with all of this.. I just took a break to make breakfast. I didn't want to not post it again, so here it is. I hope you all had a good weekend! Once my feelings settle out, I'll make more sense later lol
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 04, 2018, 08:48:08 AM
I guess part of it too is I blame myself.. She wanted to have another child before and I feel like things would have been different if we did; although, I don't think the truth is they would have been different. She blamed me for her not being able to get pregnant and between the ruts of work and her depression, I wouldn't have had anywhere else to go, emotionally, so I was afraid of the extra stress and possible fighting ect that another child would bring and I didn't want to bring a child into that.

W had her big connection a couple years ago. I feel like I screwed that up too. But I know part of it was manipulation and it was mostly just fear and she wanted to know she had somewhere to come home to.

but I feel like I did something or didn't, that would have fixed it. This will pass.. don't mind me.  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on November 04, 2018, 09:24:23 AM
G, you are trying to find what you did wrong to explain her crisis.
Trust me, we all did that.  Somehow we had to of screwed up. 

There was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.  It's inside her, not you.
Please know that.

I'm sure this pending D is wearing heavily on your mind.  It did mine too.
Why was he divorcing me?  There are no reason for it.  We got along just fine, he had no ow, so why?
Drove me crazy.

But you know what, after the D was final it changed nothing.  Nothing between us. 
The only positive was it was done.  No more worrying and stressing over it.  No more lawyers or money going out to them.  No more paperwork. Talking and thinking about it stopped.

Gman, if you two are meant to be together nothing is going to stop that, not even a D.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 04, 2018, 09:52:25 AM
You're right, I forgot to add all that and you did, so thank you! :)

The relief came for me when I signed and mailed off the papers, I think I actually started sleeping better. What changed it was all of W's mixed signals. That just made it hard, but it also made it question myself as well and I know I did nothing. And yes, the mixed signals also showed nothing will change either  ::) as we progress and slog through this.

But yeah, is driving me crazy too.. I don't think she's happy with OM, she's telling me how great I am and how great I'm doing, we get along great.. yup. It's a conundrum lol.

I agree too, if it's meant to be, it will be!

I just had to try and clear my head! Thanks :)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on November 04, 2018, 10:29:40 AM
I know.  It's tough stuff to go through.   ::)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on November 04, 2018, 12:05:14 PM
Gman it is so hard when we have to deal with their mixed signals isn’t it? My H told me he was ready to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get me back. I’m the only one for him. 2 days later he is at a New Year’s Eve party with ow.  It’s hard not to get caught up in their drama. I think we get better at it one day at a time.  And having just signed and mailed in your D papers I can only imagine your emotions are also in overdrive. Addressing your feelings and naming them is a great start. Stay strong friend. But give yourself a break if you should feel sad every now and again!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Jay78 on November 04, 2018, 01:23:42 PM
Gman,

Catching up to your story,

Well we all have similar stories,
But as I was reading OM is controlling, interesting that My W ,OW is very controlling from the kids OW says where they going to eat and how much W and Kids can eat. I sometimes wanna go off on OW because my kids tell me OW controls everything which is interesting because W controlled everything in our home so to hear from kids and mutual friends that OW has the upper hand and they don't understand why.

I have came to the conclusion that our MLC are now stuck. They have no control of their emotions or feelings.  I have learned to not get my feelings involved. I have taught my kids to get respect you must give respect.  So they know how to stand up for themselves.  As for W I can't help her she must help herself. 

I will keep reading and stay strong
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Never say never on November 04, 2018, 01:24:51 PM
Gman, I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now and thinking what you could have done differently.  Remember, it really doesn't matter if you had done anything differently or not.  It may have prolonged or shortened your wife's MLC, but it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Remember that everything really does happen for a reason, and just because you have signed off on the D papers doesn't mean you will not be together in the future. 

I don't know if you remember a woman on the site named Strength.  She was the one with a 64-year-old husband who was with a 24-year-old tramp.  Her and her husband got divorced.  She moved from New York to South Carolina to be with her son/DIL and grandchildren. 

After four years, they have now reunited, she is back living in New York with her husband and they are doing better than ever.  I should preface that with something she tells me.  She, like me, wishes this never had happened, but they are building their foundation from the ground up and it is a foundation that will not crumble. 

You are one great guy and any woman would be so lucky to have you.  Your son is one lucky guy and your wife is one sad person who will wake up one day and realize what she has lost.

Never xoxo
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on November 05, 2018, 12:19:25 AM
Hang in there gman. The D doesnt really mean anything anymore. As others have already stated, if she wants to come back then the fact that you are Divorced will not stop her.

My ExW too wanted another child about 10 years ago. She wanted a Daughter. We spoke about it, the Boys were maybe 9+10 already. There was no guarantee that she would get a Daughter. She ended up getting the first of her 2 Dogs instead and guess what? She left and the Dogs stayed, one died a while back and the other is still with me. ExW hasnt seen her since April.

Would ExW had taken our Daughter with her? No Chance, she clearly said to the Boys that she wanted to be alone, have her own space, only clean up her own mess bla, bla, bla. She denies saying it now of Course...

Basically im just trying to say, you couldnt have prevented what your W is going through. Its all on her mate.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: GonerinGhana on November 05, 2018, 04:39:10 AM
I guess part of it too is I blame myself.. She wanted to have another child before and I feel like things would have been different if we did; although, I don't think the truth is they would have been different. She blamed me for her not being able to get pregnant and between the ruts of work and her depression, I wouldn't have had anywhere else to go, emotionally, so I was afraid of the extra stress and possible fighting ect that another child would bring and I didn't want to bring a child into that.

Don't blame yourself!!! If she was in the ruts of work and depression, then she was the reason you didn't have another child, not you. Say you did have a child, then probably what you feared would have come true anyway and she would have done just as she has done. And left you to raise TWO kids alone.

As it is, you are raising one son alone and she is raising another with a man she clearly doesn't want to be with who may also be abusive. So what difference would it have made? None.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Jay78 on November 05, 2018, 05:22:39 AM
Gman,

Been there and heard it all from W. So no no no it's not your fault.
You should do something I did and believe it or not it work for me. I have a mirror in room and bathroom and therapist in office oneday we did a picture and quoted, "it happen because it was supposed to happen with you or without you. Is not my fault. 

We framed it and everytime I would get dress or brush my teeth I would see the picture and automatically our brains read it. And after a month.  It stuck with me is not my fault. 

W would make you think we where the problem blah blah blah.
W blamed me because W didn't bare her own kids. We adopted 3 and W use to love them so much. Now she has stated never wanted adopted kids. W wanted her own kids. I have F her life up now she to old to have her own blood blah blah blah. 

I also won't lie it was a hurt I never felt. I felt my heart was carved out. I felt like death. But then in therapy I was reminded that W would have also walk out on her own kids. It would have not mattered because it was supposed to happen with you or without you. W is going through a crisis. 

For a mother to walk away from her kids and to tell the kids I need to be alone,  or I lost myself or I never wanted kids.  That's when we should know our W are not mentally ok.

It sad because I know my kids will never forget. I have heard many MLC don't remember half the crap they do. Well well W will always remember her leaving our kids and kids will be her constant reminder.

Gman, take it easy on yourself please,

Is not your fault.  Is not your kids fault. 

Sending positive vibes and one day at a time.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Helpingme! on November 05, 2018, 07:03:05 AM
Gman
I hooe you get back to a good spot man. You know none of this is your fault. And nope, you couldn't have changed it.
My W said she wanted another kid. A girl. We had 2 boys. But she never mentioned that to me Ever, till after BD. Even brought up OM had 2 boys and  then they had a daughter. Talk about BS, just more crap to throw in our face.
Wife told doctor laying on bed right after S17 was born, this is it for us. No more kids. And wait 15 years to throw that in my face. Said I should have ask her to have another kid. I knew she wanted one! REALLY!!!

Hang in there Gman.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 06, 2018, 11:06:27 AM
First and foremost, I want to thank you all for responding! I can't tell you how much it means, seriously!

It's very hard not to feel like a failure at this point. I honestly thought I was going to get through it ok, but well, I guess not. I know the reality though is not what I'm making it out to be, it's just very hard to see it that way right now.

I'll riff off KIT right now and say yes, no, the mixed signals aren't making it any easier. She's sent me two photos of her and the baby; I haven't gotten a photo with her in it in over a year. She even texted to tell me she was picking up the baby from day care because he had a fever and lot's of oh hey, BTW and I forgot to tell yous. Yet now we have the final hearing looming. W texted me earlier to tell me I need to pick a date.

And to top it off, I didn't sleep much last night. I think it's the mixed signals. With everything going on, she's obviously anchor checking and to be honest, it hurts and it's confusing. I just responded to Never's thread that two years ago, I let it out that I was angry, because I was confused. I'm just as confused now,  but I'm not angry and I've got really nothing to say other than just be steady and ready to go.

I'd like to reply to you all honestly and I will. I think I need a good nights sleep first and for the love of god, I need to stop eating halloween candy before bed. I actually think that may be part of it..  :-\ There's just so much of it and it's so small.. just one won't hurt right?

Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: BBhelp on November 07, 2018, 08:10:10 AM
Keep your head up G...

Just keep doing your thing.  This divorce will run its course.  She will run her course.  And who the heck knows where it will all end up.  So just do today...rinse & repeat my friend.

You got this.

BB
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 09, 2018, 06:04:55 AM
All,

I know nothing was my fault. I think at least, I knew enough that I didn't want to bring another kid into this. We weren't acting like partners and I knew she was pressuring and blaming me and that just isn't the way to do things.

So again, no it's not my fault.. it's all the mixed signals that's making me look back on things and think I could have done something differently to save it, because, this all doesn't make sense. If this is what she wanted, why isn't she happy? Obviously she's not..

(https://media1.tenor.com/images/bb536b9621feffab86073393c8f37d0f/tenor.gif?itemid=3551538)

I'm done monkey braining and blaming myself, but it still doesn't make it any easier. We're getting towards the holidays and now we have a court date on Dec 4th, so it makes sense there's an upswing in MLC antics like poking around my facebook and sending me photos of her again.

We talked last night for a bit and she said she can't even afford now to pay half of S's 50$ club fee for school. It almost.. just almost, seemed like the was going to say she screwed up.  ::) Just a teeny, weeny little bit.. She even recognized she's had many, Brittany Spears episodes as she's now calling them. That got a laugh from me.

Jay78, I wonder, about the controlling thing, if they spent so long being controlling, they're letting someone else do it and run things. I think maybe that's the common thread with a lot of MLCers, in that as kids, they had to worry about everything, take care of others and they went into their marriages with the same mindset. I really do think that's what primes a lot of them, in that in their own way, they were all in, in one way or another, and the MLC is about overcompensating and swinging the pendulum the other way. My wife told me she doesn't want to be a wife right now. I took that to mean, she doesn't want to have to do everything anymore, but the thing was, she never had to, she just wouldn't let anyone help her. And now, I'm doing all the stuff she did and I'm thriving. That's just a lesson she's going to have to learn on her own. But I know too, she left her son. I think that's part of what's making it hard for her to let go now too. S won't go over there or be around OM and it's just one more thing that shows her she can't have her cake and eat it too.

NeverSayNever, I remember Strength! Overall, I can't say I'm not glad this didn't happen; I'm getting a chance to start over. I"m glad too, nothing really worked out with the dating I did. I need to be alone to focus on me and S right now, but I am grateful for the valuable experience I learned while doing it. What ever will come next, between how much I've accomplished and how strong I've gotten in knowing my value and in how I should be treated and if I can just get past this little bit right now and into a new job and to be more stable, the stage is really set for something amazing to happen, even if we get back together or not, my life has a vastly different and better course than it did before. At this point too, I've realized anything can happen! And thank you so much too! I'm glad you believe in me and think I'm that great, even when I don't myself sometimes!

Whyus, I think my biggest issue is getting through the court date; I've read it's a five minute deal though. But I'm pretty sure nothing will change either way, she's still going to cling and anchor check. One can only hope it's a wake up call. If not, it was never meant to be anyway and my life went on regardless.

GIG, that's something I didn't think of.. I thought if we had another kid, it would have just been the baby band aid as they call it. But yeah, at some point, she wouldn't have walked out on both and maybe even now have had a third child. That's something really crazy to think about  :o

Helpingme! It's a conundrum.. ha ha. I don't to be a wife anymore, that's all I am now and another mother to boot!  ::) :o ???

BBH, thanks as always! Yeah who knows..  ;D I'm not entirely unhappy right now. Just a bit bumpy, but I expect things to get better next year!



Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on November 09, 2018, 06:27:39 AM
Oh they will Gman.  You have come so far.  You know I'm proud of you.   ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on November 09, 2018, 02:29:22 PM
My wife's line was that she didn't want to be a wife, a mother, or a grandmother, she just wanted to be herself, but she didn't know who she was.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Disillusioned on November 09, 2018, 02:42:49 PM
My wife's line was that she didn't want to be a wife, a mother, or a grandmother, she just wanted to be herself, but she didn't know who she was.

Brain:  I heard nearly the exact same thing:  "I don't know who I'm supposed to be right now."  And of course, the usual:  "I've always done things for everyone else.  This is about me, now."

I have also been on the receiving end of "I want to make sure you know the affair didn't end the marriage" and "Having sex with you felt like rape" but those are stories for another day.   :o
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on November 09, 2018, 02:47:24 PM
Please take it easy on yourself, Gman. It is not your fault and you are not a failure. You didn't cause your wife's crisis.

Divorce is not the end. Right now it you may think it is, but it is not.

Why is she not happy even if she got what she said she wanted, divorce. Because MLCers aren't happy people. Even when they get what they say want, they remain unhappy.

Like many other MLCers, your wife also left her kid. When they leave the kids we know it is not us or the marriage. It is the MLCer and the MLCer issues.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on November 24, 2018, 10:37:14 AM
Hello! Just checking in to update and wish you all a belated happy thanksgiving, for those of you in the US!

Anjae, you're right! It's still apt to me now as when I read it a couple of week ago. With the court date looming next week, I've been cycling through all that, not being able to get my head around if she was here and unhappy, why is she there and sending me mixed signals? It's tough not to cycle off of that.

She did tell me the other week again that she can't figure out why she's miserable daily and she made a big show out of telling me her heating pad burned the couch cushions and she also hinted at sleeping on the couch again.

I think over all, she's been withdrawn and short via text and last weekend was the first time I haven't talked to her in two days consecutively, even though she's been sending pictures of the baby still and whatever normal stuff she does. However that's all relative.

She came over yesterday and I think it went better than normal. The last couple times I've seen her I've noticed she seems like she's making an attempt not to be "open" to me, however at the morning went on, we talked and things actually went scarily normal. She teased me about a couple things, she told me she read the letters from her mother that she took from here last time and she cried and that it was like having a conversation with her again. She still seemed to be in denial about OM; she mentioned liking the rose parade over the macy's and I don't even like sports, but I knew the rose parade is in relation to the rose bowl. W seemed to have no clue about it all when I know all OM must do is watch football and she used to be ensconced in jerseys and going to games with him, even though I know she never liked it. I just thought it was funny..

She is sounding good though when we do talk about psychology and her classes. She really gets it and it could be a new career for her and she seems to be really grasping her past issues. She just did some consolidation loan thing and I got a paper in the mail about it, so she used our address and not OMs. She's obviously hiding a lot from OM and they're having money issues. I think she was texting him and she put the phone down and asked me what I decided to do about our life insurance plans. I told her months ago to cancel mine because I had a better policy through work for free.  ::) She made a big show about giving me a check for S's school trip, part out of guilt that she hasn't been able to pay until now and also it seemed like that's why she told OM she was here. Overall though it was really nice, no pressure either way. It's also interesting to me how she tries to predict what's going at the house (particularly she was surprised I didn't have my tree up on Friday) and she noticed a lot too, but in a nice way.

Me? I'm busting my butt trying to get through school. I'm trying to finish my grad project, I have a short essay to write for one class and a website to finish for the other. I can't say I've enjoyed my classes, but I have liked the updated perspective I've gotten with them and I'm quite lucky as I didn't have more to take.  I have so many changes coming in the next few months, I'm just trying to hold on for the ride. I think the anxiety is mostly gone, but I know I'm waking up with depression, but once I get up and moving, it's also gone.

So I ordered a really neat alpine or nordic like pine tree and I tried to get the one, two day shipping, but with the holiday, it'll be a week now. It's different looking and should be easier to store.

We've had a busy week. We've gone to busch gardens twice, we went to the movies last night, dinner at my sister's on Thursday and tonight we're going to the mall up north to eat dinner and watch the christmas tree lighting with my sister and my niece.

I'm trying to hang in here! Hope you're all well!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on November 24, 2018, 03:42:57 PM
Sounds like you've been staying pretty busy, gman.   :)

Nice to hear an update from you.
So how much longer are your classes?

How's your son doing?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on November 24, 2018, 04:53:41 PM
Sounds like you're doing well. It's nice that you had a pleasant conversation with your wife. I hope the psychology classes help her to learn more about herself.

Good luck with you classwork!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Jay78 on December 01, 2018, 06:48:05 PM
Gman,

Yes I understand the part of leaving S
Is like my W, I have told my therapist I
have forgiven W for walking away from me. But I have not forgiven W for leaving our kids like nothing.

I am not sure I can't ever forget that. How can we. We stay up with our kids we wipe away tears. And our MLC are in lalala land

Is crazy how they can just creep back in slowly like nothing. I also wonder for MLC is it like waking up from a como like nothing they come back where they left off.

I guess we will never know.

G, remember take it easy on yourself. Don't let W get back that easy. And don't let money braining get the best of you.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Mrs.Smiling on December 02, 2018, 07:14:01 AM
Stopping in to catch up with you. Classes are almost done. Hang in there.
You're strong gman, you got this.
I have also been struggling here and there with that feeling of depression, might just be the
holidays. I know that with support it will go okay.
Good luck tomorrow. Be strong.
You're in my thoughts and prayers that everything goes smoothly.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 06, 2018, 07:11:39 AM
Well, howdy y'all! I'm just trying to update and get my self in gear to get some things accomplished this morning.

So I slammed into the end of the term like a brick wall over the weekend. I got an admirable 4 pages into what was supposed to be a 3 page minimum paper for one of my classes, previously, which ended up being 14 pages, with cover, references and a couple photo pages, Sunday morning.  I don't think I over did it, I think I adequately covered the topic and I wanted to do a good job because I wanted to graduate!

I then spent Sunday loading some final files for a website for my other class and I found an email in my work email that said that my grad project for the department was approved and I was clear to graduate! they must not have looked at it, as I had several sections that weren't 100% done yet. However, I don't know why I stressed out about it.. given all the trouble I've had and how they just made me take summer courses, for nothing..  :P but I didn't want to leave anything to chance really. But long story short, I'm just waiting on my grades to come in and I'm as good as graduated! I took a look online and there's a position for an earth science teacher that I'm going to be applying for today.

The court date was cancelled as two weeks ago I got my own attorney.  I didn't like the past two that I had and I went off a recommendation that some of my sister's friends  had. There was some language in the final agreement I didn't agree with and well, sorry for W.  :P She was conciliatory, but upset, however, with the D being closer than ever to being done and me saying hey, I can divorce you too now if I want, I can sense a change in her behavior in that she's trying to get back to a year ago, with photos of her, the baby and being playful; and coy over text.

Me? don't care now.. if I tried to cash that check it would bounce. I honestly think getting my degree was the best big that's happened to me in a long time. I earned it, I stuck with it and I got it. The only limits on what i can do are set by myself. I feel great about myself because of it.

However, the stress hasn't wore off yet and I honestly need a few days of unstructured down time. There's work, dad stuff, refinancing the house stuff and divorce paperwork to turn in.

Getting my own lawyer was another was another positive thing for me. I think W was unhappy to see her sense of control evaporate when I told her I had hired one. Everything with her had been verbal so far, even though I knew her agreement was unfair to me. "it'll be fine.. I'll never do that to you, it's the standard agreement" etc. Well, crazier things have happened right? I'm not placing bets on her good will. I should have done this from the beginning.. that was a tough lesson to learn, but worth it.

Umm. I'm a little short on words as I am just brained fried at this point. Did I tell you guys I was so tired the other day I tried to call someone using the calculator app on my phone? That was fun, let me tell you ha ha.

Things are good! I'm just trying to hold steady.

Thunder, my son is good. He's the same.. I hear nothing but good things from the people who interact with him. I can take the credit for being a good dad :) He's matured so much since W left. W is a really good child care giver, but not very good with discipline, mentorship  and the kinds of stuff you get into with older kids.. I"m really good at that and I could have taken over as the main parental figure and she could have had more time to relax.. We made a really good team and she truly had it all.

I know, what's wrong with these crazy MLCers?  ::) But still, I wouldn't have become this awesome without it!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on December 06, 2018, 07:26:38 AM
Gman man you sound great.  Congratulations and good luck with the job app.

I'm also very glad you got your own attorney.  Sadly sometimes what these MLCer's think is fair (in their mind), is far from it.  An attorney can sort it out a little better.

Happy your son is doing so well.  Pat yourself on the back!  You have been a wonderful father to him.  Through out all think garbage you never forget to parent him.

Hugs!!!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Treasur on December 06, 2018, 07:26:56 AM
This sounds like a lot of good, positive constructive steps for you, gman.
Lots of effort and grit, and now some concrete rewards for it. Congratulations!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 06, 2018, 07:38:54 AM
Congratulations on finishing the degree work. That's a really big deal, especially with everything else you have to deal with. Good luck with the job search. I hope you find a really great job!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on December 06, 2018, 09:34:34 AM
Wow GMan—congrats! You are amazing! What a massive accomplishment to achieve while in the midst of this MLC crap.  Actually it is a major accomplishment in its own right. That you did it during this....just means you are a rock star. 😁

I’m so happy you have a new attorney. W may truly feel the deal is fair. But, well, MLC brain (or lack thereof) and all.

That calculator/phone thisvis funny. Yes enjoy your downtime Super Dad!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: UrsaMajor on December 10, 2018, 05:02:27 AM
Congratulations GMan!

Well done on graduating. I hope that the job you are looking for comes in!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: stillbaffled on December 10, 2018, 05:21:35 AM

Umm. I'm a little short on words as I am just brained fried at this point. Did I tell you guys I was so tired the other day I tried to call someone using the calculator app on my phone? That was fun, let me tell you ha ha.


Congratulations on that degree, Gman.  Sounds like you maybe need a bit of down time now.  Using the calculator app as a phone!   ;D

Good luck with the Earth Science teaching position.  Keep us posted. 
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on December 10, 2018, 01:52:40 PM
Umm. I'm a little short on words as I am just brained fried at this point. Did I tell you guys I was so tired the other day I tried to call someone using the calculator app on my phone? That was fun, let me tell you ha ha.

That really was funny.  ;D ;D ;D

Congratulations on your degree. Good luck with the job.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Helpingme! on December 10, 2018, 02:07:29 PM
Congrats Gman.
I hope you get some relax time man.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on December 12, 2018, 12:39:39 AM
Congratulations Gman! You rock fella, you deserve this!
As far as Ws photos of her, the baby and being playful and stuff again!
Try and ignore that stuff, it cannot be healthy for you.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: BBhelp on December 12, 2018, 07:11:34 AM

Umm. I'm a little short on words as I am just brained fried at this point. Did I tell you guys I was so tired the other day I tried to call someone using the calculator app on my phone? That was fun, let me tell you ha ha.


It is only a problem if you heard someone ANSWER the calculator call...lol

Congrats buddy...you really have earned it.  Now relax, enjoy the holidays with your son and plan for a better 2019. 

Stay Strong G.

BB
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: PJ Ames on December 12, 2018, 07:41:40 AM
Congratulations Gman and best of luck with a new job! You're an inspiration.

Here's hoping 2019 is a better, stronger, more peaceful year for you. And for us all!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 16, 2018, 09:14:33 AM
Thunder, Treasur, MBIB, UM, KIT, StillBaffled, Helpingme!, Anjae, Whyus, BBHelp, Pj, Mrs Smiling, Jay78, thank you for reading and for all of the support!

I have been absent because I've been quite fatigued.. I just haven't' got out of the stress loop from school yet and I had a last minute project at work that really took it out of me. I was installing equipment in a building with the AC off and I just ended up dehydrated and more tired. The constant fatigue is making me a bit depressed to be honest. Rest is what I need..! I know :) I've been trying to take it easy and focus on the positives.

I talked with someone at work about a part time teaching gig that actually pays pretty well for only 6 weeks. It'd be worth doing and getting some solid experience. I also talked with the application center at the public schools and they gave me some good info about getting into the system and everything else squared away. So yeah the next thing is to start looking for jobs.. !

I'm a bit down too, because I feel like the director and the VP just like the new guy better than me and honestly, it feels like shades of my W. I tried, I tried to communicate and I got no feed back, no effort from them. :/ however, we had our annual Christmas party and I walked in at 12 (when it started) and everyone had already gotten there and was just  there and quite a few people said "oh there's gman!". So they had been wondering where I was.. and I have to remember, it's just the Vp that's a jerk and they most likely wanted someone that was just going to do what he wanted. That's been my issue.. I've advocated for giving the teachers stable, working systems that are user friendly and now they want some homer simpson pope mobile to replace it and I'm already hearing concerns from the IT manager about how there's too many points of failure in it. They don't want to listen to me and I'm tried of being the dumb schmoe that has to fix everything by himself..

The positives here are I'm no longer responding to anything. There's been several points where W has thrown some attitude and I re explained myself, I made an effort to listen to her and I just kept moving. I noticed she changed direction after that too, several times. I read something a while ago about dating emotionally unavailable people and one article was about how the lady was saying she was also emotionally unavailable, even if she didn't believe it, because she was the one wanting things to work and I think I can see what she means by that now. It still takes two regardless, but when all two people do is react, all you go in is circles.

There was definitely a chain there.. first, I stopped taking everything personally. After logically (I now realize) came not responding to everything. I can honestly say that I feel much much better overall, with myself and my relationships with people around me.

W wanted to put S's phone on some other plan and she wanted to come get it and she was coming with OM and she was quite pushy about me leaving it in the mailbox. She came over later to return it to S after setting it up and I was prepared for attitude, but she was actually very warm and nice. She complimented me a lot on some photographs I had taken, the tree I picked out etc. It was the most "moved forward" I had seen her in a while. It definitely pulled on the heartstrings..

So I cleaned a it today and I still have more to do, but I'm soooo tired! I think I am going to rest for a bit more and then take S to do something.

Hope you all are well! :) Happy holidays all!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Treasur on December 16, 2018, 09:24:46 AM
Yup, take some rest, gman. And be fair to yourself bc you have been spinning a lot of plates for quite a while.

Your reflections on work reminded me of a sitch that my friend was in a couple of years ago. New structure and she said to the CEO that obviously x was the best option, all backed up by evidence. But there were some silly power games going on elsewhere so the CEO chose y. And she tried to work with it but got increasingly frustrated to the point of looking for other jobs. Lo and behold, after 18 months just as she was about to resign, CEO sidles up and says 'well, I think I've decided that x is better. We tried y but x is the way to go (as if it was his new idea lol) and offered her exactly the job leading x that she wanted. Decisions get made in organisations for a whole bunch of stupid reasons which are not about you or anyone else way more than we'd like to think, so you're right to see that you might be over sensitive to taking it personally. And it could just be the universe saying, gman we've got a MUCH better plan for you....

Now get off HS, put your feet up and take a rest  :)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 16, 2018, 07:56:32 PM
Get some rest Gman and then enjoy the holiday season.  :)

After you find a teaching job and leave they'll realize what they lost. 28 years ago I had a job somewhat similar to yours. They laid me off and I was unemployed for about 6 months before I found a teaching position with the school where I now work. About 6 months after that the company that laid me off called and asked me to come in for an interview. I was curious so I went back and talked to them.

They asked me to come back. I told them I wasn't going to leave the teaching position but that I might be willing to work for them part-time. They were considering that until they found out how much they were going to have to pay me. I told them I wasn't willing  to work for less than I was making at the college. They weren't willing to pay that much so we parted company. One of them even had the nerve to ask me if I really thought I was worth that much.

28 years later I'm still teaching for the college and the company I used to work for has been out of business for 24 years. They had to close the doors because they let go all of the employees who knew what they were doing and kept all of the managers who had screwed up the business in the first place. It was a real shame that they went under because they talked the local and state governments into building them a big new multi-million dollar facility about 1/4 mile from my house that they used for about 2 years. It's been sitting empty since around 1995.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 18, 2018, 10:26:48 AM
Treasur / MBIB, I agree.. I need to dust off my self esteem and realize too, I'm over this job lol. That is the lesson of the day.. it has nothing to do with me. I think the VP just wants someone who will jump hither, whereas I've built these systems from the ground up I'm advocating for the teachers. I've always considered myself a.. sort of gate keeper that way. It happens too often that someone will say "hey.. these are cool! let's buy 10!". I'm the one thinking about how long the'll last, do function well or improve on what were already doing.. you know all that filtering stuff. Too many times, taxpayer money has been spent on gizmos that have since been sent to the warehouse, because they've broken, after never being used, since nobody could figure out how or why. As my old boss used to say "well that's not your problem anymore". I've had a tremendous service record here and it'll be a blow to the school when I take it with me, I know.

I just wanted to drop this link off if anyone wants to read it. It's about why you may not be able to let go of being angry with your MLCer. I've read a lot, that you may get into and stay in bad relationships because you're trying to fix problems that you had with your mom or dad. I don't agree 100%, as that's too Freudian of an explanation for me. I view it more of a behavioral rut and I do like how the article says it's a pattern from when you were younger and I agree.

I feel I've gotten to a point where feel angry a lot. I think my issue is, I've suppressed it for years. I used to have pattern of anger and then suppression, because W had a way of pushing me down that my mom never did. My mom would just swing and fight along with me, but W was more mental and she knew how to manipulate me into being submissive. But now, I'm not and that anger is coming back up. It's partly due to the fact I'm realizing how manipulative she was with me.

Long story short though, I agree with the article. I also think anger is W's issue. She's angry with her mom and the lack of love and stability she gave her and where I became dependent, she uses that anger to use, manipulate and hurt people, because well, it's better them than her. I know she fell in love with me and didn't expect to and she treated me the way she did to keep from feeling close and vulnerable to me. My part in the relationship was just reliving the victim role with my mom i thought I could climb out of by being "good".

If you've been in a similar situation, it's worth a read. I wish the article was longer honestly.. it'd be nice to read a thorough psyc article that isn't in a journal..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201403/the-real-reason-you-cant-stop-hating-your-ex
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on December 18, 2018, 10:39:34 AM
Very good article, Gman.  Thanks for posting it. 

Do you ever wonder if your w treats her om the same way she did you?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on December 18, 2018, 10:49:49 AM
Rest, Gman.

Thanks for the article.

I was familiar with anger being a form of attachment = our angry MLCers are still attached to us. Lucky us.  ::) Not.  ;D

I think the LBS lets go of anger towars the MLCer sooner than the MLCer towards the LBS.

Another form of attachment is legalities/court cases, that some MLCers also use. They just can't let go.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 18, 2018, 11:11:45 AM
Thanks anjae! I wonder if that's what drives replay to an extent. W was a good mom, but she was also the self sacrificing type we're familiar with.

I'm now buying art and printing photos to hang and things and after being married for 15 years, our house looked like a couple of young 20 something newlywed's first apartments, just bare and spartan. Now W has new teeth, a car like the sales people at work, a smart watch she fawns over daily, new clothes every time I see her...

The first thing i bought for me in years, was a pair of shoes I bought with a gift card online that I traded cash to S for, since he wanted the money instead.. SMDH as they say.. I know too, it's all too common they fence themselves in and then one day they realize they've caged themselves in and the LBS is the jailer, which is totally untrue.. I think the MLC is just another cage, the bars have stayed the same, but the view has changed. I think this is one of those metaphors in that the MLCer may never realize the door was unlocked the whole time and all they had to do was open it and walk though it..

I agree with you too, I think her hammering me about getting the D done is another form of control. Like I'm the one that won't let her move on..

(https://media1.tenor.com/images/980ce068ec27e983ea26d0128468a236/tenor.gif)

I've got half days this week and then vacation for the next two.. you bet your sweet bippy I'm going to be resting  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Treasur on December 18, 2018, 11:16:16 AM
It is a good article.
Fwiw, I think we can unconsciously hold on to a lot of suffering - not just anger - bc we are afraid to sever a connection completely. To lose someone all over again in a way. I know that there was/is a stage in grief following my loss of my father when I feared somehow that if I stopped hurting I would let his face fade from my heart somehow. It did a little...then it came back but without the same sense of pain. Not there yet with my mother or my former husband.

Lots of LBS fear that, I think, and we see posts about worrying that detachment will mean that they stop caring or loving at all.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 18, 2018, 11:19:41 AM
Treasur, I can see that and I think that's been me for a long time. I'm moving towards just wanting and hoping she gets better. She has a new baby and just reliving the same life over and over is sad :(. I just want her to be happy really and give the baby and our son the best lives they can.

I don't think OM is it either.. I think she just flipped 180 from being the controller to the controllee like many MLCers do. SCRIPT lol as they say
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Silver on December 19, 2018, 03:18:46 AM

The first thing i bought for me in years, was a pair of shoes I bought with a gift card online that I traded cash to S for, since he wanted the money instead.. SMDH as they say.. I know too, it's all too common they fence themselves in and then one day they realize they've caged themselves in and the LBS is the jailer, which is totally untrue.. I think the MLC is just another cage, the bars have stayed the same, but the view has changed. I think this is one of those metaphors in that the MLCer may never realize the door was unlocked the whole time and all they had to do was open it and walk though it..


So true gman. I even got the script words "never thought I would got this trapped in my life" or something like that. I was the jailer obviously as well as controller. Teenagers call those people parents don't they?? Funny that now, even it is almost an year post divorce, she still doesn't look like she wouldn't be trapped in something...



Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on December 30, 2018, 08:58:09 AM
Hey Silver! And hey everyone else! Happy holidays and a happy new year!

It's been a great week so far! One week left to go. We've been to busch gardens, several malls, watched a lot of movies and rested and I got some yard work done. Christmas was great! Christmas eve we all go out to dinner at this Italian place, with my parents, my sister, brother in law and his parents. Christmas day, it was just us and we went over to my parents where we spent the afternoon.

I've been slowly studying for my science exam and I'm hoping to do some car maintenance and pressure wash the side of the house and S needs to study for his driving exam, hopefully we can get that done before the next week is out. Yesterday was our end of the year airsoft game and it was huge and it went quite smoothly. I had a lot of fun and S was there the whole day too and played most of it and didn't complain either lol. I was kind of proud. He's taken quite a few steps forward into maturity lately.

W came over Saturday and she brought S a gift. They've really been connecting lately and Saturday was a huge leap forward. They were playing and laughing like nothing had ever happened.. W has been making an effort to keep in touch and keep texting him and I've also been telling S that if he says that he wants his mom to text him, he needs to take advantage of it and be nice, talk and reciprocate. So far he's taken it to heart and they've been having a better relationship. W was also playful, teasing me and she left in good spirits and told me we'd talk about Christmas eve & day. I wasn't expecting it, considering she brought S a gift and she never came over.

W seems to be making some progress or something.. She said (note said) she wants to look for a therapist again as she thinks talking will help her, however, she said she knows what her issues are, but she knows she's scared to face them and that she runs away from her problems.  Even though I don't think it'll come to anything right now, I think it's a definite step towards acceptance. She's also been using humor to acknowledge that she has some issues too. I thought that was different than her previous, anger / depression filled  acknowledgements. And through text she's been playful and flirty with me.

The other day though, she posted photos of her, OM, the baby and OM's daughter on facebook. It didn't bother me and I didn't monkey brain at all about it, it was the first time she's posted anything since before BD three years ago now?

I"m not surprised really, I think she wanted to come over on Christmas, but OM's daughter was there and he probably was like "your family is here" and they've been together for 2 years and he's nowhere on her facebook? I was mad when we were together because she did the same thing to me. Any time I posted photos of us, she texted me within 30 seconds to take them down because they were ugly, according to her :/

I think she's moving forward a bit, but she's still confused, unhappy and I admit, I'm a tad jealous of OM's control over her. Since her mom died, she took everything out on me. I was also more frustrated at how it seems like a social requirement to tell a woman, when she posts a photo, how beautiful she and her family is. barf.. most if not all of them know what she did. I've always known her family is a bunch of enablers.. but it's frustrating to me that I get likes on my photos, but the only time I ever hear anyone say anything nice in that regard is in person or over the phone. I think guys could benefit from the PDAs we lavish on women, but that's the sociologist / psychologist in me talking.

So I was doing some checking on my transcripts and I found out that my degree was awarded back in august! I have no clue what happened. I took an independent study course over the summer to satisfy a credit from way back when and I'm curious if the "system" said ok, he completed the credit, he graduated and then the advisor thought something else and I had to take two more classes? If that was the case, I want to know why I haven't received my diploma in the mail yet. So they college will be open the 2nd so I'll be calling and I'll also be calling the school system here too, because I need to ask some questions and check and see if I have everything straightened out with my application.

My mom has turned a major corner herself. we talk now like normal people.. it's really weird, but honestly nice. She's made some major major progress and I think it's awesome.. I just got off the phone with her. Her and my dad are headed to Orlando to spend new year's with another couple. I see it now and I don't know why she does it.. maybe we just get along.. I don't know, but she talks to me like I'm her daughter.  ;D I just got done hearing about hallmark movies and I remember once, years and years ago, when I was a young man, I had a star trek costume (yes go ahead and laugh!) that zipped up the back and I was having trouble with it. My mom got frustrated with me and just blurted out "it's just like a dress!" and I would know that because why!? Maybe my mom is just weird that way.. I don't know. We get a long a lot and we're similar and my sister isn't much like a daughter.. maybe there's some transference going on there.

So tonight, the movie theater near us is showing the original die hard. My son likes old movies. I had a lot of fun going to older re-reruns back in the day. It's fun I get to share that with my son. I think we're going to go to home depot for some kind of cleaner I use on the house and windows so we can pressure wash and we'll stop by his aunt's house and then run to the movies.

Hope you all are well and are enjoying your time off and the holidays!! :) BIG WAVE to you all.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on December 30, 2018, 06:34:03 PM
Thanks for the update. I'm looking to forward to hearing what you find out from the school about your diploma.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 04, 2019, 12:18:20 PM
MBIB, happy new year!

I wrote and called the school and I got an email response yesterday that said since I applied for fall graduation, my diploma will be processed and sent out for this term, so I'm thinking February sometimes. However, the transcripts say it was awarded august 4th and I guess maybe completing degree requirements vs getting the paper diploma are two different things?  It doesn't make any sense and while the diploma will be nice to hang on the wall, the transcripts are what's more important.

This break has been great! Lots of TV time, cleaning inside and out, we went to the beach, orlando, busch gardens, looked at tons of lights.. I"m now really looking forward to studying for my science subject certification and applying for jobs!

I've been feeling / /figuring things out too and I never thought I would have this much trouble putting words to my feelings before, but this is all new to me and it's not black and white; the whole MLC experience I'm referring to here. So I've kind of gone into quiet mode and oddly enough, there have been many threads that have been saying what I've been thinking and feeling. I'm rounding the bed on 3 years here and maybe we're all at similar points.

I liked how it was phrased, "I got over the crisis and then I got over them, as a person". There was also another post that questioned if they were done or not and they simply replied that they just kept dropping the rope longer and longer until they didn't pick it up again and they weren't sure what it meant other than they haven't picked it up again yet.

I think that's a good summary for where I've been lately. I've gotten over the crisis and made huge strides in my own progress and I'm now looking at W with a fresh and new perspective. All over her behaviors and problems are so obvious to me now, had I been who I am now, then, we never would have made it past the first few dates.

The last time she was over here with the baby, he picked up a soccer ball she leaves over here and he threw it, two handed, over his head. I knew that was something from soccer and I was impressed with his skills in being able to imitate behavior and I asked W if she knew what it was and she responded "I don't know" in her way that I now recognize as code for being "I'm leaving you in the dark because it suits my purposes". In the past, I simply believed her and didn't question it out of pure ignorance and not wanting any problems to arise. Now, I can see how childish, immature and selfish it is. Of course she wants to keep me in the dark! OM doesn't exist.. if she doesn't admit to it, it never happened, she can't be blamed and fingers can't be pointed and it keep me on the hook, just cause. All she had to say was, "he probably saw it on the TV", but that would lead to other questions about soccer, OM or something and she wasn't going to answer them, but it didn't fit with her scheme.

So, she sent pictures of the baby with soccer clearly on the TV in the background and she made a facebook post, I guess, that was about some Christmas day tournament. But she doesn't know..  ::) She won't answer the question because she's doing this one foot in, one foot out thing and partly out of habit, because I'm sure that's all she's ever known how to do, lie to and manipulate people.

And you know, I didn't feel anything.. I just knew that after looking long and hard at myself, other people and what i liked about their relationships and what I didn't, who I was and where I was going.. I knew I was done. Not just done with her, with anyone that doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. You can call it dropping the rope or whatever, but it feels good being freed from expectations and quite strangely, from having to be the bigger person all the time.   She made this mess and she can fix it.. no I'm not going to start being a jerk or anything, that's ridiculous. I've seen her cycle quite a bit forward in awareness, but it's not action; I see her playing the same games she always has and here in year 3, I just don't care..

I have my house, it's the way I want it, I'm learning how to be positive instead of negative, I've learned it's not me and my life is what I want to make out of it. I have peace, I'm starting to be happy and frankly I deserve it and it's going to be seriously hard to get me to give it up now.

That's where I'm at! Hope you guys are well and had some great holidays!  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: sisyphus on January 04, 2019, 12:24:58 PM
Gman, haven'[t been on here in a long, long time. Hope you're doing well. Hope you can make the best decisions for yourself.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Mrs.Smiling on January 06, 2019, 08:36:47 AM
Quote
I have my house, it's the way I want it, I'm learning how to be positive instead of negative, I've learned it's not me and my life is what I want to make out of it. I have peace, I'm starting to be happy and frankly I deserve it and it's going to be seriously hard to get me to give it up now.

YOU are sounding great! I like the positive vibes I get when reading.
I have the positive outlook and I believe the same thing as you, I deserve to be treated with such respect, I won't put up with anything other than that. I have no room in my life for chaos and well cycling behaviors such as our spouses.

Have a wonderful day today, congrats on the diploma , so awesome!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on January 07, 2019, 01:21:19 AM
You really do Sound good gman. Im really happy for you and your S.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 08, 2019, 06:34:04 AM
Hey guys! Thanks for the support :) I do have my down moments, I don't think they're ever going to go away totally.. however, they're smaller and I know they're going to go away and I think that's 99% of it. Just visualizing the process of them coming and going and realizing they aren't about you, so to speak. They're old habits and feelings that have no bearing on the present.

I really do think viewing them as old out dated garbage that will eventually wear off, they will and you'll begin to heal faster and faster. I say that because I spent a long time hiding from my feelings and it's crazy, but I've also read and since learned that any bad feeling may be interpreted as "bad", guilt, shame etc and I can see how I got a double whammy when I was sick as a kid. I was neglected physically and just feeling sick both triggered bad, negative feelings.  Given everything I've been through, I can see why I spent so many years just trying to avoid feeling bad.

I'm just reflecting here... I feel like I've been making huge progress in so many ways and one of the stubborn issues has been around not feeling bad, over feeling bad and I feel like I'm getting a handle on it. Early morning has always been such a huge issue for me.. that's when depression and anxiety are their worst.. I live by the coast and the weather changes early in the morning and my sinus issues kick in then and I think that's when digestion happens.

I hope I'm not over sharing lol, but I had gas pains this morning; however, it's not localized, so you don't know what it is. You feel hot and feverish in bed, you toss and turn because you can't get comfortable and you spent most of the early morning half awake. All in all, in makes you feel crazy.. literally. The larger issues here is because of the general neglect, I never learned these things are caused by allergies etc. and probably happen to everyone at one point or another.

Anyway, long story short, it's been slow going, but I'm able to identify what the issue is, take the right course of action and just get moving and on with my day and the guilt and everything else is subsiding faster. So I'm proud! It's not going as fast as i want, but I'm doing it and getting there.

I've been focusing on that lately.. I've also been reading up on dependent personality disorder. It explains a lot of my issues and also why I tend to get stuck places. Mainly because you want approval and have very little autonomy, you mirror your authority figures, hoping to win their approval. It's why I got stuck in jobs and took very few chances and had no overall plan to move myself forward.

in other news, I'm not studying for my science subject area test so I can teach. I really enjoyed break, but it's also good to be back at work and studying, because I know I'll be moving forward soon.

We got talking about school, W & I and she mentioned again that she had been calling therapists and she said, "at this point, i'm pretty sure I have mental issues". One left a message for her and she needs to call them back. She wants to get on meds for depression and anxiety. I gave her advice how even though I didn't want to rely on it, taking xanax showed me I had control over my anxiety. That's also what therapists have told me too, the meds will reduce your symptoms while you work through therapy to over come them.

It was nice to hear that; it seemed like all of the energy, denial, fear etc was gone and that she was just now aware she has issues she needs to deal with and it is what it is. I really hope she can get better with them if anything for her, because while everything she has done has sucked, I know what its like having issues  :/ 
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 08, 2019, 07:08:32 AM
See Gman, you're still figuring things out.  You realize what mornings do to you so you get on with your day right away and not dwell on it and you start feeling better.. Great!

I know I've said it before but I am so proud of all the inner work you have done.  More than anyone else I can think of.

YOU, my friend, will not be having any silly midlife crisis.   ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 08, 2019, 05:26:10 PM
thank you, thank you thank  ;D I could not have done in part without the forum, for real. I think sometimes it takes just being able to listen and let someone get it all out and other times to just tell them what they need to hear, at the right time.


One more thing I will add about W, we were texting tonight about S and how much he's matured and she said all the years of me being consistent with him have paid off. I think that was a big small step for her and I was really happy to hear it. During, around BD, I realized that she never once gave me a specific compliment. She would say, you're such a good dad or previously, you're handsome.

Some of the women I dated, were married to narcissist guys, who dumped them when they got too old I guess.  ::) I had a couple of them tell me they had never gotten a specific compliment before, after I made a, what I thought was normal, compliment that was based on an observation. I then realized that emotionally unavailable people don't give specific compliments.

FWIW, it felt good, but seeing the small but present change felt better.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 08, 2019, 05:56:07 PM
I disagree/agree to a point Gman.

Yes this site helps all of us to look at our situation, and how we relate to others, and our spouse, and the pitfalls we may have had growing up, in a more clear light, but you have done so much on your own.  Just looking back on your childhood and how it formed your relationship with your mom and your wife and other relationships has been monumental.

You have just grown so much.   :)


Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 09, 2019, 10:58:50 AM
Thunder, I am being humble.. but thank you! I know, that I got off track with my personal goals after I met W and when she left, I vowed to pursue them and that I really just wanted to get my crap together and have no more emotional or personal issues holding me back I've been dogged and relentless in  that, so yes I agree.  ;D

However....... it takes a village too. lol. This forum has given me the stability I've never known in my life, unconditional love and the simple fellowship of going through the same things with so many other people. So please don't sell you or the forum short either.  ;D

Before everyone tells us to get a room, I'll move onto the next topic lol.

I called the school department here about my application. My transcripts were accepted, so I have no idea why the school said I graduated in Dec. I asked about the master's since all she seemed to care about was the BA and come to find out, I'll only get paid for the BA, since my M. Ed isn't in a teachable subject area. Bad news, the good news is the pay is only 1$ apart  ::) So part of me was relieved and then other part of me wanted to pity party because if I had my crap together 10 years ago, my life would be much different now. But, hey, thank god it only took an MLT to get here and not a full on MLC.

So let's get to the MLCer now.. I texted W and told her what the starting rate was for teachers with their BA.. W says it's not much less than what she's making now and she told me a dollar figure. I was this close to a full on stomach dropping, panic attack, which I held back.. ! Proud of me. Reason being, with her lawyer, W submitted a pay stub for 2012. She changed departments and is making much more now. I knew she lied but she admitted it. I wanted to be angry and think about how I wear clothes from walmart that I stitch up so I can provide S with things and she's been holding out on me.

However, the lawyers will work it out now... so, I may get some alimony. So there's that. But.. W's been making progress and I thought to myself, the real progress will come when she volunteers information on her own, or least, I'll something's changed. W has always lied through omission or just said "I don't know". She's never out right lied to me; her lying is more of the 10 year old, you did go to the store like you said, but you neglected to tell me you stopped at so and so's house on the way there for an hour type.

So.. I think she made some progress there and I say that in light of the other small steps she's made. Nothing huge on the way to repairing the damage, but big for her in becoming a new / different person. It's possible too she figures I'll find out when I get the updated financials, but i think all considered, they're good small steps. 
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on January 09, 2019, 08:28:57 PM
However....... it takes a village too. lol. This forum has given me the stability I've never known in my life, unconditional love and the simple fellowship of going through the same things with so many other people. So please don't sell you or the forum short either.  ;D

This captured my attention. You're right, this is very important, but the reason it captured my attention is because this describes what I used to get from my wife and no longer have in my life. She was the foundation that I built my life on.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: BBhelp on January 11, 2019, 06:54:04 AM
I disagree/agree to a point Gman.

Yes this site helps all of us to look at our situation, and how we relate to others, and our spouse, and the pitfalls we may have had growing up, in a more clear light, but you have done so much on your own.  Just looking back on your childhood and how it formed your relationship with your mom and your wife and other relationships has been monumental.

You have just grown so much.   :)

2nd!

Buddy you have been putting in the REPS!  Your growth and progression are not an accident!  Keep up the good work...because it keeps getting better!

Stay Strong.

BB
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on January 13, 2019, 06:49:31 PM
Oh boy GMan! I’m loving that you caught W in a lie about her income. Yay—let the lawyer handle that.

You are doing so great. Wow—what you’ve accomplished after the apocalypse of BD is pretty darn amazing. I hope you see what you’ve done all on your own.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 14, 2019, 09:01:40 AM
MBIB, I had everything with W too, minus the stability. I need to comment on your thread, as it's given me a lot to think about with W. I've always suspected and think she has some kind of fractured personality.

BBH, if I ain't dyin I'm tryin.. I want to lead a full happy life and I'll get there if it kills me lol.

KIT, oh yea, that was a big one. I have no idea why she came clean. I think it was partly in the cycling forward, but also because I'm going to find out anyway.

Speaking of, W went into an away cycle. Her texts slowed down and she took S to the doctor on Friday and the 1k yard stare (or shark eyes as some call it) was back. She came over to see S on Saturday and take him out to breakfast and she was all over him about combing his hair, criticizing his jeans and making him wear dress shoes.

I got caught up in it a bit, trying to get S to comply with W. I don't think she was half wrong, it is good to look nice when you do special things, but he's also 16 and I would cut him some slack in W's case.

I realized quickly though that it's a form of shake up my mom used to do to me and I guess I was just used to it when W did it. I think it's partly a form of projection, taking anger out and also devaluation. It's like she's saying, "you're not worthy of my love because you won't do what I want". It's a way of not being vulnerable.

A few weeks ago she came over and she said she had the best time ever. Now, she's in her away cycle and kind of saying "I knew you haven't changed" as a way of avoiding dealing with the guilt, frustration and separation. I can't see a normal, loving parent letting a pair of flip flops stand in their way of spending time with them.

S begged her twice to stay, once on Friday and she had an hour until she picked up the baby from day care, but she told him "you're not the one with a baby to pick up". I thought that was pretty rude honestly. And then Saturday, she wanted to know if he had clean clothes to wear to the restaurant, specifically pants he didn't "wipe snot all over".

I really felt bad for him. :( I think W obviously misses us and she was trying to step up to the plate to address some of her issues, but she spun away and projected onto S. I could hear saying why does she waste her time coming over if all he does is sit on the computer? S has been so grown up and he wasn't even on the computer last time she came over. He played with the baby and everything too.

I know it's her, but it makes me feel bad for S and I monkey brained for a but and pulled right out of it. I had another chance to flex some new muscle this weekend too. I had met a woman on one of the apps and I went out with her a few weeks ago. She seemed nice, but I wasn't sure where it was headed. I definitely felt strung along. We had a movie date for Saturday and she changed it to Sunday without an explanation. Between the sparse communication and moving the date, I was pretty surprised that she went through it on Sunday.

To tell you the truth, I just changed my spark plugs the other day, which was a mammoth undertaking (no idea who designs these crazy cars now a days) I did some yard work with S and spent the evening with him, Sunday morning I was pretty cozy under my blanket watching a documentary on vikings and I really didn't want to go. But I went anyway and had a pleasant time. I was surprised at the end when she gave me a hug and said we'd go out again. And then to follow that up, I asked her about what she liked to do, in terms of outdoors activities and she said to be honest, she didn't see this as anything romantic, but hanging out was ok.

I would just say that up front.  ::) She said I was the second person I she went out with, but I didn't believe it. There wasn't much "give" in her and during the movie, her smart watch kept going off the entire time. I felt like I was on a date with the 31 year old who kept checking her phone the entire time. I have no idea why people keep people around and just play the options. i think that shows they don't know what they want TBH, but it's a lousy way to treat people. I got up and over it fast..

Good news, an assistant dean position just opened up that I am qualified for. I am now qualified with my M. Ed, so I am going to give it a shot..

Happy Monday everyone!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on January 14, 2019, 10:41:46 AM
“Assistant Dean G-Man.” I like it! Good luck—you got this!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Helpingme! on January 14, 2019, 11:05:14 AM
Catching up Gman. You sound good my friend.
Good luck on the job.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Mrs.Smiling on January 16, 2019, 07:56:16 PM
I wish you the best of luck gman. Catching up with you and such a change in your posts.
Good for you. Hugs sent your way ..

Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on January 16, 2019, 08:41:39 PM
Assistant Dean? Good luck, Gman.  :)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 23, 2019, 08:25:58 AM
hey all!

I decided not to apply for the AD position.. I'm not really qualified at this point. it's a hiring and firing team building kind of thing and I don't feel like I'm there yet and i also don't want to give up on my dream of teaching and working with students. I don't feel that being in an office is right for me, right now. I'm definitely  feeling inspired going over the earth science material for the test.

I really should have either just stuck out the military or stuck with geology. Knowing what I know now, it really wouldn't have been then hard to teach and i could have got started way sooner than I did. However, the problem was me, I just didn't feel worthy of it and I only took what I could have, rather than working for what I want. We can go back.. so on and so forth. lol

Speaking of me, W seems to be making some strides forward. She told me how much she really made, she said one week, how much she misses doing normal stuff with S, like getting up on the weekends and making him breakfast and spending the day with him and then the week after, she got talking about her grandma and some dreams she had been having. I think she's realizing time is rolling by and I said maybe it just means she misses her and she said she said she misses everyone. I couldn't think of the right thing to say to that and I just said well we miss you guys too and I kept rolling along without looking back.

I've been stewing the last few weeks. W lied about her income and how much money she had in her 401k. She had an extra 1k a month she never told me about, yet and I guess this was her form of monstering, she made it seem like I was the one holding the family back for keeping a measly 200$ a check for gas and food, when most of my job is on the road. 5 years of a thousand a month.. where did it go? that's 60k! Our house looks like $h!te because she would never allow me to spend money on it..

I'm blown away really. I know, most of you are like, welcome to the club, finally, but it's another level of bomb drop or hurt that's been opened, especially when she was making me out to be the bad guy and yes, I know she was doing it to cover her tracks.

So this weekend, she said she went to the hospital and was throwing up however my sister told me she had a scheduled day off on Monday, meaning she asked for it off previously. OM works for the government and had Monday off so I think they just took a trip somewhere and she took of Tuesday to catch up on homework.

I just don't understand at this point, why she has to constantly lie and obfuscate things. It's beyond me. When she was over last time, the baby started digging around in her purse and he pulled out a packet of pills. She very consciously lifted the packet up against the inside of her purse with her finger, so I couldn't see what they were.

I figure they were birth control pills and honesty, I'm  happy with that.. she's taking some responsibility over her actions. But I don't get it.. why lie? Why have to exert so much control over information and the way she makes things look?

it's baffling.. maybe she's been testing the waters, but all in all, it makes me frustrated. Even more so because I'm looking at how I allowed her to treat me the way she did, through who I am now and that's been a bitter pill to swallow. No you can't go back again... but you can wallow and kick yourself in the rump... and when that gets old, I'll, move on from that too. lol.

So that's where I'm at. I've also been doing a lot of reading on depression and poor coping skills and how it becomes a self perpetuating cycle along with some motivational stuff.

I really wanted to teach and I have goals to met for me and S; so i've been working to get my butt in gear and become a new person with a new perspective. :)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 23, 2019, 09:39:20 AM
So quick update.. I'm on lunch running to have my financial affidavit notarized and she sent me photos of her patient paperwork.. Not sure why.. But you could see the birth control on it.

Poor boundaries? Slowly leaking the truth? Worried ? Just going to take it in stride...

I did some prayer work recently too and it seemed like I was told I should have more faith in my spouse.

Not that I would ever question God, but I would also like to reserve judgement for myself, if you don't mind.. Ivebeen through enough to want to get burned. I can have faith but also be cautious
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 23, 2019, 09:51:23 AM
Very wise, Gman.

We certainly learn to protect ourselves after all this, don't we?

I think you're smart to realize that job was not what you really want to do.  Go after your dream of teaching.
I think you would make a wonderful teacher.   ;D

Glad she fessed up about the income and the 401k.  It would have been found out anyway, so why lie about it?

Hope you have a great day, Gman.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 23, 2019, 10:23:13 AM
Thunder.. hope you have a great day too! and thank you! I think so too!

I don't get the lies either at this point.. that's come and gone. everything is out now or will be and does it matter now?

That was an issue in our marriage for sure. She liked to hammer away at the same point on me over and over and she lied through omission. It was like a broken record, she never missed a beat.. or something. ha ha

I think honesty is going to be the biggest thing I need to see here. So yep, guarded for sure and keep my eyes on my own path

Oh I bought a new bed frame by the way. My current one is being held up by bricks and I've been lazy about getting a new one. I spend more time and effort on S..  :-\ This is a part of self care that I am learning too.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: PJ Ames on January 23, 2019, 01:46:53 PM
Gman, I share your bafflement about lying. My W will lie about the dumbest, most inconsequential things. She'll lie when it would be easier to tell the truth. I don't get it.  :-\

I want to do some more reading about depression and poor coping skills myself. What readings have been most helpful to you?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on January 23, 2019, 01:58:21 PM
Oh the lies--they KILL me. I don't get it either. But then, we are dealing with the  emotional equivalent of 14 year olds right? My H has also used the "throwing up and in the hospital" routine. It's pathetic.

Very smart of you to decide about that job. People all too often jump into things without considering them. Nice work G!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 24, 2019, 04:14:42 PM
Pj! Hi and welcome aboard! That's exactly what I'm talking about.. I think she has a need to control everything. Even when it doesnt matter like you said.. drives me nuts.

I can't point out anything specific.. but I search and read a lot. I have to tell you most articles are a mix of good, bad and don't apply. 99% of everything on the net these days isn't heavy reading. It's all cosmo style pop psychology. You just have to have a keen eye and just sort of cull through it all to find the bits that apply to you.

Me personally, I've been searching dependent personality disorder, low self esteem, etc. I try to put myself in the shoes of the average joe and use search terms uhh.. an average joe would use lol. Like "why won't life work out for me" and other stuff. It actually works. My academic speech doesn't yield as many results as searches like that. And like I said, you have to be picky and just choose the bits that make sense to you.

(https://healthywa.wa.gov.au/~/media/Images/HealthyWA/Articles/Centre%20for%20Clinical%20Interventions/cci-depression-cycle.jpg)

This image really spoke to me though. It made sense to me how I would negatively cope with stress and then fall into a guilt and shame cycle when nothing changed. It forced me into looking at realizing I had to change the things I wanted to get change.

I also found an article that focused on the paralyzing effects of low self esteem and confidence. It said to find a sweet spot between small accomplishments and minor distractions (like going to a movie  or for a walk) to get yourself back on track. I clicked with that too because I noticed I felt better and more control when I did things I had been putting off to build my confidence back up. It really works.

Hope that helps!

KIT, me too! drives me nuts .. arggh!

Well, I just had a pretty deep conversation with W. I don't even know how it started but she started talking about knowing she had issues again. She said she doesn't know how I put up with her for as long as I did, but she doesn't think she'd still be alive if I didn't. I told her I knew the issues weren't her fault and I wasn't going to abandon her because of them. I also told her we were best friends and we understood one another and because of that, I loved her unconditionally.

She said that she wasn't going to say were, past tense, yet and that we still understood each other, better than most people. She said she could fix things if she could stop running from her self and everything. She said she knows she's afraid of the past, but she has no idea why as she doesn't think there's anything to be afraid of. Again, I gave her some of my own advice and experiences that have helped me. I think she paused because she got emotional and then she wanted to know what S & I were up to tonight.

I told her we were going walking and going to put the new bed frame together. I really cannot wait for that! Have I told you guys, I literally have bricks holding up my bed?!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: PJ Ames on January 24, 2019, 05:20:06 PM
Thanks GMan. That image really makes sense.

Hope you get that bed frame together and get a good night's sleep!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on January 25, 2019, 12:08:14 AM
Gman, a good bed is so important, you spend a third of your life in there afterall so enjoy.
As for your Ws conversation, dont monkey brain it, it seems thats she is seeing some Kind of light but she s scared.. Keep on being you mate and spoin your S. have a great Weekend.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 25, 2019, 08:58:23 AM
Ok, glad to help!

Whyus, oh yeah I wised up to that one fast!

I just gave her my advice and went on my way .. Actually the thing I'm worried about bow is in just being used for support and comfort. It just goes back to keeping my distance.. Wait watch and see.

But yeah I agree.. She was back at the doctor. At the hospital they did an MRI and she's got a small hernia and bleeding ulcer. She told me today she's tired of feeling bad all the time.

I told her yesterday it may just come down to her being more sick of feeling bad than her wanting to avoid confronting everything.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 28, 2019, 09:01:10 AM
So here's a question for you all..

In one way, I'm glad we're having these deep conversations and she's seeing the light a bit, as Whyus pointed out, but in another way, I feel like that's the definition of cake eating. she's got me for emotional support and OM for everything else.

Maybe I'm just this far along in my development / maturity, but I really feel like she needs to be getting that from OM too and if he can't provide that, it's up to her to rethink her choices.

What do you guys do? Where do you think the line is between moral support and cake eating?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Helpingme! on January 28, 2019, 09:07:56 AM
Gman
I'm going to see what others say. My W doesn't have OM anymore. So I am there for her. If she still had him. Well I would be in same boat as you. Confused.
I tend to agree with you. Go to him for all your needs.  But a little part says she may be reaching out to you a little at a time to start giving you more.
JMO my friend.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Treasur on January 28, 2019, 09:24:07 AM
Not my situation either.
Just wonder if the fact that you are asking the question is bc YOU don't feel comfortable with it in the way you did...sign of your progress maybe? If so, gman, what do you want to do with that feeling if anything?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 28, 2019, 09:59:05 AM
Gman, I agree with what you are thinking.  She should be getting this support from OM.
If she doesn't get that support maybe she will see what she's given up.

Can't give her the best of both worlds.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 28, 2019, 12:23:52 PM
Thank yuo guys!

Treasur,

I agree with helpingme! in that she may be testing the waters and or trying to get up the courage to start dealing with things. The narrative keeps moving forward in steps, but she keeps saying she can't stop feeling (batcrap in her words) crazy. I think she's realizing it's just her, but she's also saying she's not all the way there yet.

For me, I don't want to be an enabler. I did validate her, I did provide a mirror for her, since I'm probably the only one who really can. BUT and I'm realizing this in hindsight, I did put us in the past (eve if unintentionally) by using past tense and I told her they were her problems to deal with. I don't need nor want the burden of propping her up. I got my crap together and frankly, she should to and it's not my job to do it for her.

So I suppose, all in all, I'm not unhappy, I put it right where it belongs: on her. I just don't want to be manipulated into enabling her to stay put. That's just not on my agenda and my unease comes from me wanting to keep that in the front of my mind.

I often have to think things through after the fact and sort out how I feel..
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Treasur on January 28, 2019, 12:34:04 PM
Makes perfect sense, gman, and a sign of your own fine mirror work and progress  :)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 30, 2019, 04:58:59 AM
Thanks treasur! I've been working really hard the last two years or so..

The latest test just happened the other night as W brings up doing our taxes. I agree to go every other year in claiming the house and S. This year was my year and W said that we just don't get that much money for S and she could really use claiming him on her taxes, for her grants for school.

Me being the new me, I quickly ran my taxes with and without S and it's a small, but substantial sum of money. One that would put him through summer camps, if he wanted to go this year. With the money from the house, I had enough to make some repairs to my car and pay S's re-enrollment fees.

I left my tax return sitting in the browser right before I hit submit and I told her she filed last year, it was my turn and I would like to and I could use the money myself. W spun some lies.. it wasn't that much, she split half the house with me (it's not possible, either you claim head of household or you don't) and they screwed up her taxes at her job and she owes.

This was my reaction:

(https://thumbs.gfycat.com/ThankfulParallelArchaeocete.webp)


I let her stew after a few "go ahead" and "fine"s and I went over and hit send on the return. I wanted to be the adult and let her know what I was doing before I did it, knowing I had her consent as well. I didn't need it per our verbal agreement last year and I was prepared to go to my lawyer otherwise. I love being able to say that now, I'll just go to my lawyer. I'm in the right regarding S and it's nice having legal backup and not having to push back against W's emotional bullying.

I did send over some things I needed to as well to the lawyer last night. I mentioned that W claimed on her financial disclosure that she made x amount per year, when she told me a different amount, which was confirmed by my parents, her former employer, before they retired. So we'll see what they say about that and I will bring up that she also agree to pay half the enrollment fees. I took home less than 500$ in taxes from my return last year and it went to his half of the fees.

I've been beyond honorable and "the good guy" here. So this has all been a different kind of hurt. I know many of you have been through this too, but I'm just getting to it. I get looking for validation in other people.. I had a bad past and I did it too and what's done is done. But stealing? Lying to take advantage of me and ultimately to take money away from S? I need my car to drive him to school, daily.. I needed that money for car repairs.

Like i said, it's a different kind of hurt. I made my mistakes, which were in response to W's emotional treatment of me. But i still trudged forward trying to better our lives together and W sat on extra money a month and never told me and now she's being petty in trying to get another 1.5k from me. Ultimately, that comes from S, not me and that's something I could never nor would do.

That's going to take a while to process, but in the meantime, it's certainly made detaching easier., cause honestly F that S, I don't play like that.  :-\




Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 30, 2019, 06:06:51 AM
oh in other news, I got the bed together and it's amazing.. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner. I just never do anything nice for myself and I'm learning that self care can have far reaching positive impacts.

I also ran to ikea and picked up a warmer comforter. It gets way to cold in my room, as I'm the furthest from the HVAC. S's rooms on the other hand are right next to it and are always either too hot or cold. So I tend to keep the heat lower so his room won't get too hot. To compensate I needed a bigger blanket. I can't say I mind the little indulgence though. A nice bed with a big warm blanket is a worthy one..  ;D
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 30, 2019, 06:30:32 AM
Oh definitely!

When I moved out I made sure I got my bed.  I love it!
My sister makes quilts so I have lots of warm blankets.  Just bought new pillows too.   :)

It's nice to have a comfy bed to curl up in.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Whyus on January 30, 2019, 06:51:03 AM
You cant beat a good bed, i have a Waterbed which is heated. Is was "ours" but XW took next to nothing from the house. I just bought 2 new matresses and ist amazing, I love it. Dont worry Folks, OM was never in my house/bed. That would have been attempted suicide on his part  >:(

Gman, im so proud of you for not buckling with the taxes, she has enough cash. If she cant manage it properly then its not your Problem. Just worry about your S and Gman.
Maybe the taxes were the reason that she was so nice lately, they are good like that arent they?
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on January 30, 2019, 08:24:12 AM
oh yeah.. I've been scoping out thick towels etc. i don't know if it's a guy thing or what, to do without.. but I'm getting over it lol.

Whyus, thanks bud! Sad but true, but she and everything about her falls into not my problem!

I submitted my taxes and got busy with something else and I responded to her half halfheartedly about her job. It was getting kind of late and I was surprised she was still up and she responded immediately. Then last night around the same time she sent over pictures of the baby. I guess that's her anchor check.. not that I mind seeing the little guy, but still..  ::) And today she's on about the cats. 

I think she's got a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on...  I think she wants to move forward, but she is going to have a really hard time letting go and realizing that to have some, you need to give some too. And that's exactly what I need too and I will either wait and or fight to get it, whatever the situation may warrant.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on January 30, 2019, 08:31:29 AM
Oh my gosh, I missed that post!

I'm very proud of you too, Gman.  You did the right thing and stood up to her.
  ;D

Waydago!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Mrs.Smiling on January 30, 2019, 03:31:22 PM
Just caught up...Seems we are having the same issues with taxes. I know what his plan is. However, he doesn't get to claim the interest and S on his taxes when S doesn't live with him.
This whole lawyer thing confuses the heck out of me. How did you do it? Just worked with one or had to retain the lawyer?
Sorry, this process is confusing, i'm intelligent, but just don't want to make the wrong move.

I'm proud of ya for pushing that button....standing up for you...and YOUR worth  ;)..Sounding good gman!!

Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: KeepItTogether on February 01, 2019, 01:43:43 PM
Oh G-Man, you did so well!  My H gives tries to get me to feel sorry for him when he shorts me on my monthly checks…..which ALL goes to S' expenses that I have to pay for. Always telling me how so-and-so owes him money or he had to front the costs for lacrosse and is waiting on his reimbursement. I should tell him that I am pulling S out of private school and see how that goes. Mr. "I care what everyone thinks about my perfect life" would be devastated!


Anyway, guess my point it, it really gets old having to ALWAYS be the adult!!! And moreso, to not be able to trust the other parent of our children. Sadly, they truly do not have their own childresn's best interest at heart.


Love the new bed and bedding GMan. ANd yes, go for teh thick towels! Why not, you're getting a good chunk from the Feds right? (Sorry couldn't resist!)
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on February 02, 2019, 05:49:30 AM
Hello,

I was just in Tampa and actually spent four years there at the University of Tampa.
I love the area!

Just to reiterate what others have shared. You did right to stand up and do the right thing for your son.

In the early years, I would have caved and let her have the money only to find out it went to a trip or something for her and OM. My ex is a champion of looking out for herself and will say anything to trip me up.

Enjoy the comforter and get yourself some nice towels! I did and they are great!

((((Ready))))
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: gman242 on February 10, 2019, 06:16:57 AM
Hey guys :) I'm over due for a check in! I've been busy.. life has a way.. Some stuff has come and gone with W and I can't remember what it was now, so that's an improvement, I think ha ha.

Mrs Smiling, her lawyer kept bouncing everything around and it was always something last minute. There was yet another delay and I decided to try again for a lawyer. In retrospect, I don't know how much I accomplished, but I do just like having the security of having one. Part of that comes from the satisfaction of sticking it out and finding a lawyer I liked. I wasn't afraid to ask for help this time and that may have been worth the lesson too ha ha. I asked my sister and sadly, she's told me that 5 people she knows are now going through divorces. I do like the lawyer I have now and I don't feel like he wasted my time with the free consultation. The last two I tried did and it just left me with that sinking feeling that either I can't do anything right or things don't work out for me and well, I didn't want to sink to that, so I stuck it out and found someone I liked. I just feel 100% knowing I now have someone I can at least ask or who can inform me of my rights, if needed.

KIT, Ready, hello :) Thank you! All of these light bulbs keep going off and things just don't seem to be the issue they used to be. I think the biggest thing I've learned recently is it's not my problem!

I think that recently, focusing on what I can control is centering me faster and faster. I started a sinus infection last week and made myself an appointment at the doctor and took off Wednesday and Thursday. I got up Wednesday morning and I felt like death warmed over. I got up, got a shower, took my meds and I knew it was only a matter of time until it went away. I was proud of myself that I didn't have anxiety over it.

W came over on Saturday to take S to the movies. When she showed up, she seemed like she was in her mood; she just walked up the door and left with S and didn't even bother to make eye contact with me. I was hit with that insecure frustration and anger on the trip back to the couch, but when I sat down, it was completely gone because I realized, she's not my problem anymore! What an amazing concept!

S texted me to say that he had an awesome time and he even got a movie poster while he was there. Then he texted me to tell me that they were in the drive through and it was taking forever and he was sick of W lol. She asked him to take his shoes off of her seats and was upset that the line was taking so long only to find out that they didn't have whatever it was she ordered. I was an adult and told S he'd be home some and not to stress over it, however I could sympathize when he said he couldn't take her anymore  ;D

Last she she took S out, he came in by himself, quite upset that W wouldn't come in for two minutes. Despite telling S this time she wasn't coming in, she came in and also brought all of his food with her. I was quite surprised because I think she wanted to see me actually. She told me she liked my t-shirt and she was all smiles about telling me her troubles in the drive through. S was happy because she said she wasn't coming in and I actually think it was nice she put in the 30 seconds of effort. I hated that back in the day.. she used to like to argue for 30 minutes rather than take the two seconds to validate someone. I was surprised too she came in, I thought she had gone into hiding for a bit. She seems to be doing this in and out, back and forth dance.

I'm studying for my science exam and I have to say I'm finding it really fascinating. I've been light heatedly kicking myself for just not getting a degree in this to begin with. but it's fun and now's my chance :)

I think, the biggest thing that's happened with W, is that I've realized that I have to not care anymore. I have to put S and me first, but I've also found I'm just holding myself back and that's not fair to me. I guess that's letting go of the rope and that by no means means I'm ready or want to date other people, it just means I'm putting me first for the first time in like ever. I'm seeing the further I can push W and her nonsense away, the happier I am and I don't feel bad about it at all.. it's weird, but awesome.

Have a good one guys!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Thunder on February 10, 2019, 07:11:06 AM
Gman, I'm so happy to hear that.  Nice progress.   :)

I think once you drop the rope it makes things so much easier.  Worry about you and your S. 
There is nothing you can do for her.  It's her mess to clean up.

Stay strong buddy, you're doing really good not letting things bother you like before.
I guess in the end that is the point most LBS's get to.
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: MyBrainIsBroken on February 11, 2019, 12:31:49 PM
I have to agree with Thunder. You're doing great, Gman!
Title: Re: Wife's MLC 13
Post by: Anjae on February 11, 2019, 03:33:04 PM
Glad to know you're doing nice things for yourself and working on self care, Gman.

Like the others said, you did well standing up and doing the right thing for son.

Science is fascinating.  :)