Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Nas on January 31, 2019, 05:43:38 AM

Title: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on January 31, 2019, 05:43:38 AM
Previous thread:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10621.new;topicseen#new

Where I left off:
BD March 2015. H was an off-and-on and is mostly a vanisher now since 2017 when I was diagnosed with cancer.
My mother passed away two days ago unexpectedly.

Last comment from my last thread:
Oh, no, want to reply before the new thead looms down!

Nas, I'm so sorry you're so worried about your B. I do believe he will be able to handle this challenge. No one dies from seeing their parent die. I'm sorry that you, too, have this image of your mother in your head. I saw my dad die in horrific pain and still trying to stay alive. It haunted me for a long time, but now it's just a memory.

I'm glad to hear your H is not making boat loads of money and does have debts on his back. This is great news as far as I'm concerned. Sounds exactly like my H. Yes, for some reason they do get away with not having to repay these debts for a very long time, but not for ever. They do find them eventually and the later it is, the worse it is for our Hs.

He will be caught and it's going to feel brutal to him once he has to start repaying his debts. This is one of the main reason's for my H's depression and feeling sorry for himself. Of course, then comes that long time again before they figure out that their debts were not caused by us but by their own choices. I think that's the place I am at.

I also think I would be having a better life if I had not married my H but someone else. Then I wonder if I would have married another person with problems like my H anyway, so nothing would have changed.

I am glad you sent him that message accidentally. Sometimes decisions are made for us. I bet it will wiggle round his brain.

Milly, I don't know that he will get caught eventually for the debt.  I also don't know how much his income will go up in the coming years.  He works for a big city municipality, so probably good benefits but salary might be limited since they have to answer to the taxpayers for how much they pay people, etc.

As for me, my focus is on the multiple tasks at hand.  I have an appointment Tuesday about the new areas of concern and I'm sure I will be referred a few times and have to deal with multiple appointments over the coming two weeks. 
Still have to find a new job and a place to live.  Life goes on...
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Thunder on January 31, 2019, 05:51:37 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Nas.

Attaching... :)
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: UrsaMajor on January 31, 2019, 06:17:48 AM
Attaching....

As far as debts go, depending on who is owed what, it may take some time but, for the most part, debtors will usually not "forgive" a debt out of hand, especially if it is a bank or something like that.... They can afford to wait because that debt is racking up interest, sometimes at penalty rates (xW had that happen to her once.... An overdue debt went form 9 to 24% interest because she defaulted over 90 days.... OUCH! Of course that was my fault since I didn't live with her, was paying my child support via automatic withdrawal and had paid all of MY credit card debt off... while she was out smokin' and jokin' )

It's like turning a Battleship at speed.... takes a loooooong time and a lot of space but eventually it does happen and then the guns go off and make one mell of a hess......
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on January 31, 2019, 06:22:24 AM
Well, his last payment on anything was October 2016.  So it's been quite a long time.

The biggest debt is owed to one of those debt management companies.  They negotiated down his credit card balances and then assumed the debt at a lower amount, but it's still almost $30K.  He made his payments to them for 6 months and then stopped the same month I moved to a new state and he stopped paying me and everything else.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: One day at a time on January 31, 2019, 06:25:27 AM
Attaching Nas!

I agree with the others in your previous thread. You don't really know if his life is so wonderful, I'd say he would pretend alright but is it really?? I know that doesn't change your own situation in any way but hopefully it will make you feel a little bit better..

And the debts, he won't get away with them.. Oh he will be caught eventually, no doubt!
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: UrsaMajor on January 31, 2019, 08:16:57 AM
Well, his last payment on anything was October 2016.  So it's been quite a long time.

The biggest debt is owed to one of those debt management companies.  They negotiated down his credit card balances and then assumed the debt at a lower amount, but it's still almost $30K.  He made his payments to them for 6 months and then stopped the same month I moved to a new state and he stopped paying me and everything else.

Those people don't give up... If they find him, they'll go after him....
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on January 31, 2019, 08:24:03 AM
Well, he works at city hall in a major city.  He has a LinkedIn page.  He's on social media.  He's not that hard to find.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: UrsaMajor on January 31, 2019, 08:29:57 AM
Here's what's coming....

(https://media.giphy.com/media/10sPIJ6bhzL3ri/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on January 31, 2019, 08:39:41 AM
Maybe, UM.  Two and a half years seems like a long time so far to dodge it.  I've said before, if it were me, I probably would have been sued by now.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Shelly7435 on January 31, 2019, 08:46:29 AM
Attaching  :)
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: heroIam on January 31, 2019, 09:16:47 AM
Following along.....
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: KeepItTogether on January 31, 2019, 10:56:55 AM
Not that it makes you feel any better. But, I was with my mom when she died. She was in excruciating pain for a week solid. I did NOT want to be in the room when she went. But God had another plan. When she died, the laborious breathing that was a constant that whole week prior was gone. And she was finally at peace.  And though it was the saddest moment in my life up until that point, I felt I was blessed to have seen this. It was as if God was telling me that He had her now, and that she was no longer in pain.  Just my experience.

As for H....well he can run but he can't hide...ESPECIALLY if he works for any government. They are the easiest entities to levy. My H appears to all on the outside as if he is living it up. I think he even has OW fooled. But, his last correspondence to me was on the suicidal side. And though I know that was only for a pity party, it does show that he is nowhere as "happy" as he wants others to think he is.

Hang in there friend. This is going to be an emotional roller coaster for you. Such an extreme loss stays with you for a while. Be gentle with yourself. No more beating up Nas. 
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Anjae on January 31, 2019, 01:19:53 PM
Welcome to your new thread, Nas.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: 1trouble on January 31, 2019, 02:25:21 PM
Nas

Sorry to hear about your mum xx

As for your latest health problem I hope it proves to be nothing and you can start moving forward xx
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on January 31, 2019, 04:01:51 PM
Nas, your H is not going to get away with his debts. Two years is not that long with certain kinds of debts. It takes years to catch them because there are so many people like them for them to go after first, and there are only so many people working in that office. Plus as UM says, they don't need to hurry, interest is just getting better. Often debt management companies are sold on and then it takes time for the new ownership to take control of the situation, causing additional delays. The debtors think they are getting away with it, but it's only getting worse.

I'm glad to hear that your appointment is Tuesday, so I imagine your doctor is back. That's good since you like him and trust him. I'm sorry that it's going to involve several tests and further appointments. You have acted as fast as you could. Everything else is out of your hands.

I realize you are very stressed about finding a place to live and a job to pay for it. But right now you have you mother's funeral. I would say just let yourself worry about this for now. My father used to say not to worry too much about the problems ahead, that things have a way of sorting themselves out. One thing at a time.
Big hugs xxxx

Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 01, 2019, 03:24:31 PM
Thinking of you, Nas. Sending you hugs and strength.xxx
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 02, 2019, 01:23:39 PM
Thank you all for your kindness. Today is that day after someone dies, after all of the initial chaos subsides and all of the logistics are taken care of, where you find yourself simply alone contemplating what has actually happened. To me, that is the worst time. Nothing to busy your mind with, nothing in the immediate future to focus your thoughts on.  Just the lull...

Oh, and the kicker. We found evidence in her bank statements that she has been paying a small some monthly for life insurance. We were all enthused because we thought we could use that to pay for her funeral. It turns out that some swindler had sold her an accidental death and dismemberment policy, which obviously covers basically nothing.  >:(
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: OffRoad on February 02, 2019, 01:38:07 PM
I am very sorry for your loss, NAS. The day after the death of a loved one was always devoid of color for me, literally. I saw everything like a black and white show on tv. And I remember feeling like they never showed this part in a movie. This was what happens after the last scene cut. Now what do I do?

And the truth was there was not much to do, except funeral arrangements or celebration of life or what you choose to do. Sometimes the best choice is to take care of you for a short while.

Hugs
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 02, 2019, 03:08:18 PM
Nas, I'm sorry to hear that your poor mother spent money to cover a life insurance she might have been hoping would help her kids after she's gone, only to have been swindled by someone the kind I don't understand how they live with themselves. How sick must someone like this be? I mean it honestly. How rotten must your childhood be for you to grow up and swindle people out of life insurance? I guess there are worse people than MLCers.

I'm sorry that today is the day you are really feeling your mother's loss. I believe it's better to feel it,  than push it down. Feeling is healthy as we're all learning. A big comforting hug to you.
Millyxxx

Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Loyal on February 03, 2019, 01:57:02 PM
Nas, I`m so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum.  Hugs, Loyal xx


Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: in it on February 03, 2019, 02:21:50 PM
I'm very sorry too .May God keep and comfort you in this difficult time. (((Hugs)))
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: bluerose on February 03, 2019, 03:01:08 PM
    I am very sorry for your loss. I still have both of my parents but i was with my grandma, who was like a mother to me, when she passed. It was one of the hardest things i ever had to do but i am grateful i was with her.
      Some people say that you have to go through the bad to get to the good. If thats the case, there must be great things waiting for you. You are in my prayers.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Thunder on February 05, 2019, 09:46:52 AM
Hi Nas,

I hope all goes well today.  I'll be thinking of you.
Praying you get good news.

Hugs
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 05, 2019, 11:28:46 AM
Hi Nas, I hope you managed to see your favourite doctor today.
Big hug
Millyxxxx
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 11, 2019, 04:09:39 AM
Due to the wonderful world of insurance, I had to wait for approval for some more in depth tests this week. I saw my oncologist and my surgeon last week. Neither were able to say what this lump might be. So I’ll have a bunch of scans this week.

My mother in law showed up at the service for my mother the other day. It was the first time I had seen her in person since June 2016. Of course, since then I’ve gone through multiple surgeries, radiation and 18 months of chemo.

She said to me: “I think you look great...considering all you’ve been through” 🤦‍♀️  ::)

She couldn’t have just said I looked good, right? God knows what she will tell H.

Anyway, she was one of the first people to arrive and she didn’t stay long but of course it was the subject of much conversation.

She told me H’s brother sent his condolences and basically just talked as if H doesn’t even exist. She asked if I was still living with my brother and I was not about to get into that whole drama so I just told her that was another stressful situation and left it at that. (I am also pretty sure she’s heard about my living situation issues from the hairdresser, or if she hasn’t, she will.)

After her non-compliment where she told me I looked great (with a qualifier to let me know what she really thought), at one point she looked at me and started to cry and told me I’m “in her heart always” and when she was leaving she hugged me for an extremely awkwardly long time and said “please please keep in touch.”

After she left, my friends and family all said they were stunned to see her. Then of course talk turned to H and speculation on what her current relationship is with him.
Several people commented on how OW must be either an idiot or desperate. She’s been living with H for 2.5 years and their “relationship” is now almost 4 years total. A few people questioned how anyone could be living with a man for over two years and not be pushing for a more solid idea of their future. H is still married, still has a lot of debt and a credit report that shows such a bad payment history and debts he just walked away from that getting approved for anything (new credit card, new car, house) would be a lot harder. He has no savings, and he blew his retirement in the height of early manic replay.

Someone (I don’t remember who) said they are in a relationship equivalent to two 16 year olds and said OW is either too dumb to realize that H seems to have no solid plans for “their” future or she’s so desperate she’s turning a blind eye. Because it would be easy enough for her to lie to herself and say he hasn’t divorced me because I have cancer, but it’s harder to rationalize the fact that he has taken no steps to fix his life so they can invest in a future where they can grow old together, or even do more than live paycheck to paycheck.   

In a strange way, it comforted me on a day when I needed a little extra comfort. Because it showed me that people do see these things and think it’s weird. In the very early replay days, H tried to convince his mother and others that he had to leave because I was such a terrible wife and he just HAD to get away from me.

It was commented that if I were so terrible and he was really so “afraid” of me, he would have been desperate to actually get divorced because who would stay married to the person who was supposedly so abusive that they had to run away from them. And if MIL believed that pathetic excuse, she would not be trying so hard to make sure everyone knows how much she “cares” about me.

She knows on some level that H has and is behaving despicably. And people do see my MIL showing up, even if it was only because she knew it was the right thing to do in order to avoid further damage to her reputation, and know that deep deep down she knows she’s doing what he should be doing and must be so disappointed. I felt mildly vindicated I guess.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Thunder on February 11, 2019, 04:42:18 AM
Hi Nas, yes it must have felt good to see people get it.   Your H is so messed up.
 
Your MIL showing up was really nice too, even if it was to save face.  I also think it was good for her to see you in person and hug you.  I'm sure she feels very ashamed of her son.  I sure would.

Well I hope they get those scans going soon.  Let us know.
Keeping you in my prayers, Nas.

Hugs
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Treasur on February 11, 2019, 05:53:00 AM
I suspect your MiL's intentions are at least partly good, Nas, but she lacks courage.
And yes, those rare moments when RL people see some of what we see, how far from normal any of this is, do feel like a gift.

I hope the scans go well next week and allow you to turn your energies to happier plans and schemes. You are in my thoughts xxx
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 11, 2019, 12:10:04 PM
I can't say what MIL's intentions were for sure.  Nor can I say for sure that H is probably not happy that she came and saw me and my family...but I can make a pretty decent guess that he's not at all pleased about it.  Only because he knows that because she made an appearance, he definitely became a topic of conversation and that's something I know he fears most, people discussing the mistakes he's made and the bad things he's done. (hmm, Nas's MIL is here, where is her H?) 

MLCers like to fool themselves into thinking no one knows about, thinks about or talks about the things they've done.  God forbid they have to be reminded that they have hurt people with their choices.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 11, 2019, 01:37:07 PM
Nas, sorry the insurance is making you wait for your tests. I hope you can get them done this week.

I think you're right when you say that people will have noticed that your MIL was at the funeral but your H was not.  It might even have made your H look even worse. I'm glad that when she asked you about your living situation you didn't just say it's all good. Your MIL will have understood from your comment that you are having living problems, although as you say, she probably has heard it all form the hairdresser. Let her feel bad for her S.

MIL probably came to your mother's funeral because she knows what is correct behaviour, and she doesn't want to be bunched in with her S and be considered as bad as him. Regarding her offensive-compliment, if it were me, I would take the part of the sentence I like and chuck the rest. You look good. She thought you would look terrible and she was surprised. And of course she'll tell your H.

Which brings me to the bit about your H not having divorced you yet -yes, what's with that? He's supposedly with his soulmate, they've been together 4 years, yet all is still the same? And a wife, not ex-wife, still around? If I were OW, I would not be happy one bit about that. I would be extremely insecure. Guess she is just desperate. Only a guy going through a crisis is going to consider her a catch and she knows it.



Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Anjae on February 11, 2019, 03:28:58 PM
Hi Nas, hope you be able to do your tests soon.

Agree with Thunder, regardless, it was good MIL showed and hugged you.

Who knows what husband feels/things of MIL showing.

Some MLCers never divorce the LBS even if they are living with their soulmate. Why it is so, I don't know. Others spend nearly a decade married to the LBS, then divorce the LBS even if nothing different seems to be going on in the MLCers life.

Hugs.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Onward on February 11, 2019, 04:48:46 PM
Hi Nas.

I'm catching up on your threads after a bit of a break from HS. You have definitely had a lot to deal with.  :'(

I am so very sorry to read about the loss of your Mom. My condolences to you and your family.

As for you MIL, maybe a little shift in thinking might help. None of us really know what anyone else is thinking.

No matter the motivation, it is not an easy thing to attend a funeral, and particularly when the circumstances of a relationship are complex. So much regret tends to be part of saying good bye, even in the best of circumstances.

One of the hard things to do in all of this ugly relationship trauma is to re-order the IL relationships. Speaking for myself, it has not been easy to appreciate that my ILs have been hurt by all of this too, and are as baffled as I am and have their own complex mix of feelings about their loved one as I have. We all have stuff to sort through, and a a lot of wishing things were different.

Personally, I think your MIL is trying. She probably does believe you look great.  And doesn't want to diminish how difficult your battle is. So both statements can be caring and true. Who knows. My sense she is doing the best she is able to repair the damage that she can.

Not talking about her S is one way to avoid a) not introducing more sadness; b) focussing on your relationship with her, regardless of him; 3) not being caught between two complex relationships.

It's hard. For everyone.

I'm sorry too that your tests have been delayed. I hope that you are able to get them soon.

Wishing you rest and comfort during yet another difficult time.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: FaithWalker on February 11, 2019, 10:18:59 PM
Just getting caught up Nas.  I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your M.  Sending lots of ((((HUGS))).  I lost my Dad 3 weeks before my wedding.  I pretty much spent the first years of my marriage grieving, for sure.

I'm sorry also to hear about this new mass, and will have continued prayers for you.  Cancer stinks.   :(
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 12, 2019, 07:08:58 AM
Thank you all for your continued support.  :-*

Onward, I don't know about MIL.  This is an extremely self-absorbed recovering alcoholic who, just days after I was diagnosed with advanced cancer, told me, "Make sure you don't get a long-haired wig because I never thought you looked good with long hair."  She's known for backhanded compliments...because she has no self-awareness and doesn't "hear" herself when she speaks.

That's how I know that whatever she thought is exactly what she told H.   I can absolutely picture her saying "She looked better than I expected" or "She looked like she's gained weight" or some other disparaging thing. She wouldn't be aware enough to tell him I looked great just because that's what she should tell her jerk of a son who abandoned me.  (And please, nobody write to me that I shouldn't care, because we ALL know we shouldn't care and we ALL know we really would care if someone told our MLCer we didn't look good.)
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: KeepItTogether on February 12, 2019, 09:56:04 AM
Oh I hear ya Nas! We all care.....whether we should or shouldn't. We all want to be that elusive goddess who looks ten times better than before so these MLCers can eat their hearts out while they are with someone way less than us. I totally get it!

Of course your MIL could tell your H that you looked like a goddess....and that would probably have the exact same effect as her saying you looked "better than expected", b/c well, MLC. I have a difficult MIL too. We are in a better place, but I still see glimpses of her old self. And its a good reminder of why my H is in this whole MLC in the first place.  But I am glad she at least made it your Mother's funeral.  For some of these broken people, even the smallest of actions to us, are huge to them. We are not broken. Well, that broken any way.

Take care Nas. I am thinking of you often.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Onward on February 12, 2019, 03:32:01 PM
Hi Nas. You know your MIL best.  Heaven knows, I'm not *quite* so charitable regarding the motivations of some of my own ILs, either.

And I'm with you 100% - I would definitely care!!

Wishing you better days ahead.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 13, 2019, 03:15:43 AM
I think the thing with my MIL is that even though when we spoke after I was first diagnosed and she said she was not okay with H’s choices and she actually said back then “I’m on your side, kiddo” and she keeps saying I’m “always in her heart,” I don’t feel I have her true “support.” When I found out H changed his phone number, she wouldn’t get involved and I couldn’t even talk to her about it enough to make her understand that if I don’t have his phone number and he doesn’t read his email anymore, it makes divorcing him infinitely harder, at a time when my life is hard enough.

I don’t know if what I’m getting from her now is actually pity, like “poor Nas, my son is making a nice life but Nas has fallen apart.”

And since she’s secretive and only says vague things like that I’m in her prayers, I can never know, but it feels more like pity than support now. And nobody wants to be pitied.

But at least, as Milly said, when she asked about my living situation, I said it was another stressful thing I’m dealing with. I didn’t sugar coat it. I won’t ever play “as if” to the point where she can pretend it’s okay that H is building a nice life for himself on top of the ashes of my life that he burned to the ground.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 16, 2019, 05:28:03 PM
Updating:  I shared on another post but my bone scan was not good news and  I am looking at more testing and probably a bone biopsy in the upcoming few weeks.   :(

 I have to say that I am disappointed with the judgment and particularly with the hurling of insults going on on a few other threads. I thought we had had a pretty insightful discussion about this on my last thread, about the importance of lifting each other up and being open to opposing viewpoints and understanding that everyone has a different situation and different ways of dealing with things.

 When someone is cruel and you respond by being equally as cruel back, it helps no one. If you disagree with something someone has said, there is just never an excuse for name calling. We are adults, not elementary school children on the playground.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: mapippa on February 16, 2019, 05:40:44 PM
I am truly sorry Nas about your latest news........ I don't know what to say, to be honest, except it puts Everything in perspective, Everything..... love Mapippa xxx
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Thunder on February 16, 2019, 06:03:03 PM
Oh Nas, I truly feel bad your bone scan is not showing you any good news.  Damn!
I'll have to go back and read your posts.

Try not to worry about others judgements, there are always going to be people like this in the world.
Negative people who have no compassion for others and cause havoc and give nothing but negativity to good people, like you and Treasur, and many others.

There are just people like this with a glass half empty personality and we can't change them.
YOU are a glass half full person, like most of us here.

You can't change people.

I have found over the years most people are caring, loving, supportive people.
Those are the ones I follow.

Discard the negative people, no one needs their input.

I feel there is something bitter in their responses, and their life, and I feel sorry for them.
If you can not find it in your heart to send support then please find somewhere else to posts.  You are not helping anyone.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Anjae on February 16, 2019, 06:18:39 PM
I have said on the other thread, but I will say it again. I am sorry, Nas.

Don't see anyone calling names on the thread you mentioned. Just saw people not liking what was told to them , even if it happens to match the person's situation.

I saw not bitter,ness no negativeness, no anger, just a good factual description of the situation.

Thunder, support is not always nod our head. Often it is to draw attention to things.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 17, 2019, 12:24:33 AM
Nas, I'm really sorry to hear that the scan didn't get good results and this probably means you're having to face more treatment. Wish I could be there with you as a companion to support you as you go through this really difficult time. Know that I am with you in my thoughts.

I do really dislike it when I see hurtful posts, especially the name call,ing which is just a quick and reactive way of responding when the poster doesn't like what they're reading. I have to stop reading a thread when this happens. It hurts even if it's not me they're offending. None of us need negative criticism, we've been through enough.

I have to say that since BD, I have become better at dealing with how I respond to people. Not that I would have offended someone before, but I might have judged them in my head. Now I'm far more aware of why people lash out and what it would mean if I lashed out in response. I think the book the 4 agreements really helped me with that.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 17, 2019, 04:45:10 AM
Thank you, mapippa, Thunder, Anjae and Milly.

 I am processing this new information about my cancer and what it means. It is difficult to keep trying to think about moving forward in my life and keep being hit with these obstacles. It seems like a Herculean task now to try to find a job and a place to live.   I keep having fantasies about receiving news that the test was a false positive. But even then I know that this is likely my future, every little thing could be the disease progressing and will require all of the time and effort and testing to check it out.

 I feel so very sorry for the hijacking of busy bee’s thread. I do want to say here on my own thread that I have looked over my threads from my very first days here at HS. Even after I was diagnosed with cancer, it was very unusual for me to post anything that was not about MLC or my H.  I talk about my situation a lot. I mull over things a lot.  I grieve for the things I have lost a lot.  I question why, why, why. A lot.

I’m not sorry for that. I am trying to make sense of the inconceivable. We all are.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Milly on February 17, 2019, 05:05:05 AM
Nas, I don't think you muse any more than all the rest of us do. I think it's our purging the situation from our minds. We need to let our thoughts out and out, hoping we are going to understand one day, or that we will find a good answer, or that we will just reach some miraculous point of acceptance by osmosis.

You know, it's as if were were hit by a tsunami in the desert. And it would be bad enough to go through a natural disaster of that kind, but at least then you have to accept that it was a higher power that decided it, not our love you for ever in good and bad Hs. And I think this is why it takes us so long to process. Plus, our Hs are still around, and still sending us mini tsunamis, so we can't forget even if we wanted to.

I say to us all that journaling here is healthy. We are growing into stronger people. Most of us have done a lot of mirror work and are liking ourselves so much more. These are the bitter sweet bonuses.

I feel your burden now with your added health issue on top of no money and no place to live. It's too much to ask of anyone. Is your brother still set on you moving out? Are there any services you could do for him as a sort of pay back/rent? I don't know, pay his bills, stay on top of utilities, tidy up a little. It's probably a silly idea, just trying to come up with the easiest possible solution for you, which would be staying put right now.
Title: Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
Post by: Nas on February 17, 2019, 06:15:40 AM
 Thank you, Milly. I agree that journaling is helpful.  I think the important thing to remember is that we are not here to judge one another. And when someone like treasur has demonstrated that she has the motivation to seek professional help to work through the trauma, it is unfair for anyone to judge the way she is working through it.  It is a process and we all go through it differently. I can also imagine that the particular type of therapy she’s chosen plays a role in the way she is processing.

There is a big difference between suggesting something to someone and flat out telling them what they should be doing or that what they are doing is wrong. And it definitely crosses a line to ask someone why they bother to think about the person who traumatized them, turned their world upside down and caused them immeasurable psychological pain.

 There are many ways to be dismissive of someone. We are all familiar with that because our spouses dismissed us so cruelly, either by leaving or by simply ignoring us or dramatically minimizing our place in their lives. It’s also dismissive to never provide useful or insightful commentary, but instead to simply insult people you disagree with or feel differently than.  It’s also dismissive to essentially tell someone that they are foolish for questioning what happened to them.