Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: jacs on April 17, 2019, 04:42:42 AM

Title: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on April 17, 2019, 04:42:42 AM
I'm not sure where to start.  Right now my life feels like it is over and I don't know where to turn.

My partner of 8 years, living together for the last 4, has been emotionaly unavailable on and off for a what seems like a long time.  He lost his mother to cancer quickly 5 years ago and I helped nurse her in her final weeks.  He adored his mother.  I don't think he has ever truly recovered from that.  Since then he has pretty much distanced himself from all his close family.  He doesn't speak to his one bother at all, rarely to his sister and spent 2 years totally ignoring his grown daughter, although she is getting married next year and they have been speaking again over the last six months. 

As for him, he's a practical man.  He works outside, welding, fixing things, climbing tree and tree work, anything and everything really.  He's 53 this year and his body has started to let him down.  He is constantly complaining of various parts of him hurting but this just seems to drive him on to push himself harder and harder.  He had issues with his heart a couple of years ago and required surgery but that seems to have solved that on the most part.  We both enjoy outside activitives and share a couple of common interests and that's how we met.

We have had some problems over the years, but most of our arguments only happen when alcohol is involved.  We have a great network of mutual friends, its  a small village and life revolves around the hub which is the pub.  That makes it sound like we are getting drunk every night but its not like that.  We will have a couple of pints every evening after work meet up with friends chill for an hour or two.  If there is a big social event within the large group, weddings birthdays that sort of thing we all get together.  We are all friends outside the pub and frequently do many things that don't involve alcohol at all.  Like a lot of people occassionaly we may have a night of drinking but that's when the problems start, I know this so I have decided to abstain from that and have been doing so for six weeks.  On the other hand he seems to be drinking more and more.

I moved into his rented house 4 years ago, up until that point I had my own rented cottage.  He has been in this house for 36 years.  This is important because he has asked me to leave.  Its just not that straight forward.  I have a horse at home and five dogs of my own, I lost my job a couple of years ago, a job I hated but had struck at it for 20 years, and went self employed.  I am now a self employed book keeper working for just one family and I adore it.   But I only work part time 20 odd hours a week.  Basically I cannot afford to leave my home.  I feel I am about to lose everything, him, my home, my horse, my dogs, my friends and a job I love.  I fail to see a way forward.  I am beyond despair. 

He's been complaining of feeling his life is over and there is nothing that he's interested in any more for many many months.  He says he knows he depressed but is unwilling to get any help.  He says he is unhappy with everything in his life, including me.  Three weeks ago after totally withdrawing from me for a few days he announced he wants me to leave as he wants to be alone.  He wants to do as he wants when he wants, see who he wants when he wants.  I assume there is someone on the horizon but he denies it.  Over the last couple of years I know he has been deceitful, hes had at least a couple of emotional affairs, although he doesn't see them as that.  He will not consider any form of councilling.  He says he is done and that nothing will change with us. 

I just don't know what to do or where to turn.  I go from feeling so angry that he is seemingly so intent on destroying our lives together without any worries to feeling that has to be some way of turning this round.

I cant leave currently, I have no where to go and currently do not earn enough to rent a house on my own, let alone manage to keep hold of my animals that are the only things keeping me going right now.  He knows that it is impossible for me to leave straight away and as far as I can tell is, at the moment prepared, for me to stay for as long as necessary.  He wont discuss anything with me at all.  We are civil, hello, goodbye and if we are both in the pub at the same time he will dicuss his day with me but once we get home he shuts off again.  He sleeps on the sofa and spends the rest of the time avoiding me.

I know I need to plan but whenever I try and even think about it I have a panic attack.  I'm not eating or sleeping.  The last couple of days Ive tried to keep myself busy but its just faking.  I'm trying to carry on with my routine of popping to the pub to see my friends, but he is always there too and its very difficult for me to remain outwardly happy, although the last couple of days I have just about managed it.

I adore and love this man with all my heart and its tearing me apart seeing his complete lack of emotion towards me.  He is so cold.  I have all these questions flying about in my head.  Do I try and make it work or do I just scurry away with my tail between my legs?  Is there any point even trying if he doesn't want to?  Do I try and find somewhere temporary for just me right now or am I better off staying where I am?

I've done all the begging, all the crying all the things you shouldn't do, not overboard but have had at least two conversations where Ive tried to reach him and it obviously not worked.  Now I'm just trying to plaster on a smile and get on with it but he then accused me of acting like nothing had happened.



I know this is all over the place and probably makes no sense what so ever and I'm sorry.  I just don't know what to do.


I will try and fill in more detail as I go but I'm seriously struggling to put it in any sort of order in my own head.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on April 17, 2019, 05:28:46 AM
Hi jacks,

Welcome and sorry for your situation. Wouldn't be surprise if it was MLC, sounds a lot like it, including triggers etc.
It is or is not, but you have to start with taking care of yourself in any case my friend. You have to eat, even you are not hungry at all. You have to take care of your sleep, even it meant you have to see the doctor and ask medication. Whatever this is all about, it is very painful for you obviously and if you don't take care of yourself, it will only get much worse. So start with those basics!

Do not plead, beg, cry in front of him, ask him to stay, to come to his senses, to try to fix him. You can't and everything you try will make him only feel more pressure. Accept that you can't help him until he asks you to and accepts help, which is very unlikely at the moment.

If he asks you to leave and stays with that, you have to find a place to stay, which can be actually good for you atm, as you could get some headspace to think. Him being around, acting like he is, ignoring you is obviously very painful to you. Do you have any friend, relative, whoever you could stay with temporary? Pets and animals, are there any compromise temporary in the situation he would be ready to? He needs space, so do you anyway.

You can't trust anything he says at this moment, do not even try to think him as the man he was nor logic in anything right now. If he is in MLC, you can't analyze things in a way you could without MLC involved.

You fell like your life was over, it is NOT. It is a very difficult situation but like ALL OF US, you will get trough it all too.

Start with very basic stuff, put the focus on you, basic things, and start making a plan for yourself. Keep touch in life by leaving the house as often as possible, if you have friends you trust on, now it is time to ask for help and to rely on them.

Vent here, write a lot, come back often, you are not alone.






Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: in it on April 17, 2019, 05:40:40 AM
Yes sleep is important..try something natural first. Maybe Melatonin, herbal teas, warm bath. There are liquid sleep aids.
Things always seem worse if you don't get good sleep.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: OldPilot on April 17, 2019, 08:04:46 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on April 17, 2019, 08:42:41 AM
Welcome jacs,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's tough spot to be in.  The advice given is spot on.
Your number one job right now is taking good care of yourself.

If he is in a crisis, which does sound like he is, there is nothing you can say or do to change anything.
Just remember a Midlife Crisis is all about depression.

I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better, I just don't.

He could be in this for a long time, so just try to live your life the best you can right now.  Do things that make you happy.  Make plans for yourself to be able to move out.  Maybe a 2nd part-time job?
It won't make any difference to him.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on April 17, 2019, 11:53:05 AM
Welcome Jacs - so glad you found us, even though I am very sorry that you need us.
You have to force yourself to nibble on some kind of food so that you do not get sick. Toast, fruit, protein bar - whatever you can stomach, just at least eat a couple of bites of something.
For now just leave him alone. Don't ask questions, don't expect anything, just do your thing.

I don't know if you should stay or leave, that's something only you will know and you don't have to decide today - just do whatever is in your best interest. This can go on for years and you will not know if he wants to work on it or not, he probably has no idea himself. They are lost in life without a clue - all they know is that they are unhappy and they will blame the closest thing, which is the spouse.
Try not to take it personal, I know it's hard, but it has nothing to do with you.

Please read some stories, read some articles and come back and post here - this is an amazing group of people that have all been where you are right now.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on April 17, 2019, 10:55:16 PM
I'm sorry you are here too.
The answer to your question is probably both. I'm sorry. Time will show you the why but what matters now for you more is the what.
As everyone else is saying, basic self care....look after yourself as if you were one of your animals that was sick...food, sleep, anything that is calm or soothing, a few people who are kind and love you.
Then the practical things...money, somewhere to live, a plan that you can do independently...which probably feels overwhelming right now, but it will help you to feel safer when you feel in charge of your own ship.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: xyzcf on May 01, 2019, 05:06:38 AM
Hello jacs,

I am bumping up your thread and hopefully some members will come along and post to you soon.

This is a really difficult thing to go through and it affects us deeply.  Are you able to eat or sleep a bit? I found when I couldn't eat, that I would make a smoothie, I seemed to be able to drink better then eat solid food.

Who do you have to support you through this?

I am sorry that this is happening to you.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on May 01, 2019, 06:20:35 AM
Hi jacs,

How are you doing today?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 01, 2019, 12:46:28 PM
Hi Jacs - so sorry that you are here but I can assure you this is the best place to be.

Are you from the UK?  I ask because you mention a village and a pub.

We can help and it is encouraging to see that you have learned not to do the begging or crying approach. The bright and breezy option is good to help you and will undoubtedly create skepticism in your MLCer.

Quote
He's been complaining of feeling his life is over and there is nothing that he's interested in any more for many many months.  He says he knows he depressed but is unwilling to get any help.  He says he is unhappy with everything in his life, including me.  Three weeks ago after totally withdrawing from me for a few days he announced he wants me to leave as he wants to be alone.  He wants to do as he wants when he wants, see who he wants when he wants.  I assume there is someone on the horizon but he denies it.  Over the last couple of years I know he has been deceitful, hes had at least a couple of emotional affairs, although he doesn't see them as that.  He will not consider any form of councilling.  He says he is done and that nothing will change with us.

This and the other stuff you mention certainly suggests elements of MLC but it also suggests serious depression.   Not being interested in anything anymore is not that common with MLC - MLcers do suffer from depression but they try to do different behaviours and activities to compensate.  What you are saying is suggesting that he is  a wallower in which case they usually withdraw and remove themselves from active living.  Emotional affairs are indicative of a wallower.

If he has been deceitful in the past then it is very likely that he has been in MLC for some time - this is quite common and they have usually been in denial which is what he has been by denying the importance of the EAs.

Quote
I cant leave currently, I have no where to go and currently do not earn enough to rent a house on my own, let alone manage to keep hold of my animals that are the only things keeping me going right now.  He knows that it is impossible for me to leave straight away and as far as I can tell is, at the moment prepared, for me to stay for as long as necessary.  He wont discuss anything with me at all.  We are civil, hello, goodbye and if we are both in the pub at the same time he will dicuss his day with me but once we get home he shuts off again.  He sleeps on the sofa and spends the rest of the time avoiding me.
#


Not being able to leave must be a horrid situation. Do you not have family or close friends who could support you practically for the time being?

I think that if he is accepting you cannot leave then, all you can do at this moment in time, whilst you find some form of relief is to continue as you are.  However can you get out of the house more often and distance yourself from him?  Treat the house as somewhere to lay your head and no more. 

Quote
I'm not eating or sleeping.
  This you must address as soon as possible. What I found helpful for me was to eat oat based meals.  I just ate porrige for about 3 weeks moving from one teaspoon to eventually a whole bowl with little and often approach.  Sleeping is really hard when your mind is racing and so I suggest you learn how to "power nap"  Take rest when you can and keep busy so that your head and brain has to think of other things too.


Quote
I adore and love this man with all my heart and its tearing me apart seeing his complete lack of emotion towards me.  He is so cold.  I have all these questions flying about in my head.  Do I try and make it work or do I just scurry away with my tail between my legs?  Is there any point even trying if he doesn't want to?  Do I try and find somewhere temporary for just me right now or am I better off staying where I am?

Of course you do and of course it is.  MLCers develop completely opposite personalities and the coldness is so hard.  Feeling invisible is awful too.  The questions will fly and it is important to realise that nothing you can do or say will make a difference right now except for changing your living arrangements.  If you can find somewhere to stay then that might be a better option for the immediate future.   

If you stay where you are you will have to understand that nothing will change and that what you currently face will continue with no reprieve. If you are able to handle that then stay for a little while longer and in that time plan where to go.

At this moment in time your R is no more ; this doesn't mean it can't be restored but this is a long journey and choosing to stand is a daily decision.

Please check on your finances too. Do you have your own account? Do you have access to any form of financial support. So if you live in the UK - can you apply for housing benefit or any other benefit.

In these early days take it 5 minutes at a time - what can you do in the next 5 or 10 mins and the next.

Keep posting and if you are in the UK let us know - there are quite a few of us who will be online at the same time and so a little bit more immediate for you. 

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 01, 2019, 01:09:12 PM
Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I have been in the most awful place since I posted.  I've been to my doctors and have got a bit of help but nothing is really touching the terrible pain I feel. 
Nothing has changed here.  I might as well be invisible.   
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on May 01, 2019, 01:55:33 PM
Thank you for responding.  Jacs, please try not to feel that way.  You're not invisible to us.

You can make it out of this.

I was, and many others have been in this dark place.   It was the worst thing most of us have had to go through.  I felt invisible too.

Just talk with us.  We are all here for you, and I promise it does get better.
You are not going to feel like this forever.
Try to just take one day at a time and keep posting.

{{Big Hug}}
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 01, 2019, 02:14:36 PM
Quote
I might as well be invisible.

Yes it feels that way - I felt it for months and so did many of us on here. What I found as did others is that as Thunder says I found support and a feeling of being listened to and valued and more importantly understood.

We do understand. 

Are you based in the UK? 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: xyzcf on May 01, 2019, 03:20:10 PM
Here is where to find RCR's articles. Reading them helped me to understand what was happening and that helped to calm me a bit.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

The anxiety, disbelief and worry is really hard to cope with. The reason that we have difficulty eating and sleeping is because our fight/flight/freeze nervous system responses have been activated. Normally, when we are in danger, this activation is a good thing but it isn't meant to become our norm. The longer it continues, the more drained we become.

I found exercise really helpful, every single day getting outside and walking. I also go to a gym where I met other people. Being out with other people helped me as well.

Sometimes medications are necessary for some people. Discuss with your doctor if you feel this is  something you need.

We have no control over what has happened so we feel helpless and hopeless. Once you start regaining control over your life, you will feel a bit better.

Family and friends may not understand, they often think we should just get over it and move on. There is something different about a marriage that ends suddenly and without warning, MLC is not the same as a couple who have had years of problems, or have sought therapy and tried to work out their issues...we are not given that opportunity.

I still wonder, how could you so coldly discard your wife of 32 years? I know it isn't me, it wasn't our marriage that caused him to change so radically..but knowing it still doesn't negate the pain that we feel.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 02, 2019, 02:11:27 AM
Hi Jacs,

I saw your initial posts but then it was Easter break here in Germany and I was out with my kids and I lost your thread.

Self-Care in this time is SO important. You will hear LOTS about the LBS Diet (many of us drop a lot of weight quickly. I went from 102 to 88 kgs in about 6 weeks..... NOT at all healthy.... The sleeping thing (or NOT sleeping) is also common. I would walk at night often for 8-10 km because my mind was racing and I couldn't sleep. My DOG absolutely thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread... My body not so much....

I survived on yogurt and other things that eased the acid stomach and for sleeping, Melatonin and L-Tryptophan (an essential Amino Acid so nothing chemical) ) helped me a lot....

The thing that helped the most though was time and getting out of the house initially (I have a semi-Wallower - she had a burst of High-Energy replay but has since fallen into WallowLand) until I was in my own apartment... that initial 6 months was a SERIOUS adjustment.

Besides your animals, is there anything else that you enjoyed doing before? What about picking up additional clients? Basically, what all the tips we and RCR give you boil down to one essential thing and that is focusing on your self and your own emotional well-being.  There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for your Mid-Lifer. It is HIS crisis, HIS Journey. You can't help him through it, you can't speed it up. You can't "love" him out of it. The one effect you MAY have is that you can slow down the progress by giving him a place to focus outside of his own issues that have triggered this.

MLC is often someone running from their internal demons... They are looking for and craving validation which we were providing them until they decided we weren't. They are no moving on to the NEXT supplier of validation, never realizing that, no matter where they run to, well, there they are and their demons are RIGHT THERE with them. Until they learn that they can validate themselves internally (that is what they are missing), they will repeat the same cycle over and over and over again.

In the mean time, you (or whoever else) really does NOT need to be part of that process....   that is why the key advice is also to detach YOUR emotional well-being from that of your Mid-Lifer - called "getting OFF the Rollercoaster." You will hear LOTS about "detachment" which is NOT to be confused with "indifference" (I just do not care about the mid-lifer anymore)... Detachment is taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being, taking back your power to control your own life (which is the only thing you can control) so, if your Mid-Lifer is having a bad day or is in a bad mood, you are able to continue being the light and breezy one, you can continue to be happy.  Detachment is NOT letting their mood drag us down with them... Detachment takes time.... LOTS of it sometimes.

The other thing is the mirror work we all need to do. No one is perfect. We all have those things in our R's where we look back, cringe and think "Oh now THAT was totally messed up." Those are the things we can change in our own lives if we want so they do not happen again. His MLC has given you the gift of time to be able to take a look at things like that and to do what you need to do so that there are no more of those moments in life and to do it without any external influences.... But it is important to remember that, even in mirror work, you did NOT cause his Crisis to happen and it really had NOTHING to do with you, despite the Mid-Lifer's claim to the contrary...

Keep posting please.  You are in a place here where we understand what is going on, what is happening, where you are coming from.  Many in Real Life are not going to have the faintest idea since this is NOT happening to them and hasn't happened to them..... and, just like real life, not all the advice you get here will be pertinent to your situation. It is sort of like tossing a pot of spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Those are the things that are worth your effort, those that fit your life, your story.  The rest that fall on the floor? Na ja, not so much.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on May 02, 2019, 03:26:39 AM
In the early days, breathe, sleep, eat, do the normal life stuff you can, use your body somehow, connect with nature somehow. Aim to get to the end of each day and the start of a new one sane and standing. Some version of these things is what all of us found helped in the first few weeks/months. Probably in that order tbh.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 02, 2019, 04:21:24 AM
He's I am in the uk.

I'm struggling to do anything.  I'm trying to push myse!f to do things but it's so hard.  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the time away.  I've made myself go for a walk this morning with some friends but I just felt even worse listening to them chatting about this and that when all my mind can focus on is what feels like the end of the world.  I've tried going to meet my friends (our friends) in the pub but he is always there and I usually end up having a panic attack.    Im struggling at work to concentrate which isn't good as a self employed bookeeper.   I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.  All I can see is that I've lost him my best friend and I'm going to lose my home, my animals, my friends and probably my job.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Whyus on May 02, 2019, 05:04:21 AM
hi Jacs, I am all caught up and so very sorry about what has happened.

I'm struggling to do anything.  I'm trying to push myse!f to do things but it's so hard.  I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the time away. 
This is a totally natural reaction after what you have been through.
I've made myself go for a walk this morning with some friends but I just felt even worse listening to them chatting about this and that when all my mind can focus on is what feels like the end of the world. 
Also very natural. I still cringe when my friends talk about their houses, Wives etc.
I've tried going to meet my friends (our friends) in the pub but he is always there and I usually end up having a panic attack.   
Do you have other friends (not that you should give them up)  or can you go to a different Pub?
 Im struggling at work to concentrate which isn't good as a self employed bookeeper.
Also tatally natural....
  I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.
You have to haul yourself out somehow as nobody else can do it for you. Maybe find a new Hobby, something which you have always wanted to do but hadnt had the Chance yet.
 All I can see is that I've lost him my best friend and I'm going to lose my home, my animals, my friends and probably my job.
You have lost your H and your best friend. I totally so get that! You may also loose your home in time but that doesnt have to be as awful as you may now think. Why would you loose your animals and friends? Maybe I have missed something here.
You are not going to loose your Job, you have to get a grip on your income and Focus (as hard as it is)...

Eat everyday, sleep as well as possible and try to stay out of your Hs way if it starts a Panic attack. Ist too early, if you know or suspect that he is in the Pub the dont go.
Good luck and IT DOES GET EASIER!
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on May 02, 2019, 05:17:38 AM
Jacs,

We all get it.
I slept (tried) in a sleeping bag on top of my bed for weeks.  I only could stomach eating oranges for weeks and lost tons of weight.  Sleep?  What was that?  Every time I started to talk to someone I would tear up.

I also tried getting out with friends, but had to leave because I just couldn't be with people yet.

I remember everything you are feeling right now.  Very high anxiety every day.
I found taking walks by myself, or with my dog really helped.  I remember walking until I was exhausted some days but the anxiety did go down.

I'd love to tell you, you will feel better in a week or a month, but we all have different times when it hurts less.  But it will and you will get there.
Just please know that.  You're going through the hardest part right now.

Keep posting and talking to us.

{{Big Warm Hug}}
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: xyzcf on May 02, 2019, 05:20:48 AM
I was sent away within weeks of BD so I have never had to share accommodation with the MLCer. Initially, I insisted that we have daily contact by email of phone but that caused me great stress, it was better for me once that contact ceased.

One thing that has often been said, he is not the person that you knew, that you shared your life with, that you still love.....I was told and I think it helped, to think of him and treat him when I had to as a long lost relative that I didn't know very well.

Changing out perception is hard...we think there is only one way to live our lives and we become stuck, unable in our grief to contemplate anything else. This was never our choice...we had absolutely no say in it (unlike most things in our lives where we have input).

What Ursa said "Detachment is taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being, taking back your power to control your own life (which is the only thing you can control) " takes time and effort, but there comes a point, where you will stand and say enough of this...my life matters.

I would just like to say that I found alcohol to make things even worse. I had never been a big drinker but enjoyed a glass of wine or a beer. I found that even one glass of wine would send me crashing.

Although it doesn't help much, there are so many of us here who have been where you are...and each person has managed to get to a point of peace about this...."acceptance" is the way I define how I moved forward...but it took me a long time...that's ok. Better to face the reality of our grief than hide it somehow and "pretend" it doesn't exist.

It is hard to hear our friends talk about their spouses, the things they are doing, their complaints ( I once sat at a table at a retreat, a women there was going on and on about how horrible it was that her husband slurped his coffee, it drove her crazy..she wouldn't stop saying this over and over..it drove me crazy...but I can laugh now....she has no idea what a spouse can do that really hurts!)

You are doing a really good job of expressing how you are feeling and the physical problems you are having...many people here understand. You are in a safe place and many people will guide you and give you some suggestions to help you get out of the dark place you find yourself in.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on May 02, 2019, 05:30:49 AM
Keep it very small, my friend. Think of it like having been hit by a bus...small steps.

Keep it very simple. If it hurts right now and not doing it won't harm you or put you in jail, don't do it. If it helps even 1%, try doing it. Accept that even people who love you don't get it unless they have been here. And that faking normal is just too tiring somedays.

Right now, don't worry about hauling yourself out of the pit. You will...but that comes later. Right now you are just trying to survive finding yourself in the pit for long enough to get to that point. Breathe, sleep, eat something, walk on your own maybe?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 02, 2019, 05:49:27 AM
Quote
I just don't know how to haul myself out of this black pit.

Time and one tiny step at a time.

Ask yourself what one good thing can I do for me in the next 5 mins - wash your face/clean teeth, brush hair, have a shower etc...
Now you've done that what's the next thing you can do and the next and the next.

So let's assume you are awake and curled up feeling blue. One good thing for 5 minutes is you can do is to have a little cry  and the next thing to take 5 minutes is to sit up and stand up out of the bed and get a towel or clean clothes sorted.  Next 5 mins brush your hair/teeth and wash face. Next 5 mins get clothes ready to put on after a shower/bath. Next 10 mins have a shower or bath. Next 5 mins etc etc....
or in 5 mins put the kettle on and prepare a hot drink.#

The above is bonkers I know but when you are as low as you are and we have ALL been there - self care and self love in tiny steps is a good way forward.  Taking time to carry out such fundamental tasks is really important as it shows you that you are ok and that you can function.
Another thing to do is to create a new routine so that you have to think about it.  So let's say that you normally get up make coffee and then shower and then walk the dog.  Change it, - get up - walk the dog - have a coffee and something different for breakfast and then shower or not.   This also gets you brain focussed on you.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 02, 2019, 05:50:55 AM
If my dog could talk.......

Actually, maybe it's better that she can't

Lord knows she listened to me a lot.... She heard me rant, cry, ponder, the works on our walks... Humans didn't get it but she understood me...

It starts off being a minute by minute thing, then you make it to hours, then days, then weeks, then months... At some point, you'll stop and think "Oh, has it been that long?"

As for the work thing, I can fully sympathize... STBXW hit me a couple of months before we launched a new satellite and I was the primary Operations Manager so I had responsibility for ensuring that our Ground Segment was ready to support the launch and operations.... About 700 million Euros riding on my back.... In fact, that was probably my saving grace was that I HAD to concentrate on getting that work done and done right.... Gave me little time to think about everything else except being Bomb Dropped.... 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Penelope2018 on May 02, 2019, 06:55:40 AM
I'm sorry this happened to you Jacs. We all know how it feels. That insurmountable despair that just wants to swallow you up. It takes time to pass, it really does. I know right now it seems like you'll be forever stuck that way but you won't. Come here and vent anytime you like. If your partner isn't throwing your stuff out, ignore him. Just focus on you. Like others have said, just try to find one small thing you can do that isn't overwhelming and build from there. If you have time perhaps pick up reading. I went through tons of books after BD. There's a 90 day free trial offer for Kindle subscriptions. That might help and it costs nothing. It was my saving grace. Books can take you to another world where you don't have to think about your problems and I know that isn't good for the long run but for right after BD, I think it's fine.

Keep crackers around so you at least eat something if you can't tolerate anything else. As far sleep you may need to get some medication. I know going to the doc would be a huge step but if you could make it, they can give you something that'll knock you out for seven-eight hours like ambien. OTC meds didn't work for me. My anxiety was too high. You will be ok in time.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 02, 2019, 07:08:54 AM
Thanks Penelope for mentioning medication for sleep.

5HTP is a brilliant way to help you rest and sleep as well as begin to pick you up. You can get it online but if you are in the UK then Holland and Barrett has it.

5HTP has tryptophan which is the resting ingredient (found in roast chicken and turkey etc). 5HTP also has seratonin which is the balancing chemical we need in our bodies to make us feel more normal or even vaguely happy. 
Take two or three an hour before bed and it really will help you sleep and begin to create a balance in your mind.

Bach's remedy is also very helpful for moments of sheer anxiety and distress.  I took copious little meltlets in my mouth whenever I began to panic or get tearful. I'm not exactly sure how much it helped but I know that just doing the action of taking care for myself helped me.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 02, 2019, 07:16:31 AM
Hi again Jacs

I will be your mentor for the next couple of weeks.

You are welcome to PM me but I only have my experience to guide you by and there are so many on here willing to help you in these first few weeks.  So keep posting and if you need more one to one then pm me via this forum and I will do my best to answer you as soon as possible.

Just keep postiing, keep journalling and keep asking. Read as many of RCR's articles as you can.

Here to help.
S&D
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on May 02, 2019, 10:38:18 AM
Jac's...talk about a black pit...…I lived in the black pit for almost a year - I honestly believed that the physical pain would literally kill me - I couldn't be around people other than my D - I couldn't go to the store - I just wanted to be absorbed by the ground and disappear forever. I wanted the pain to stop, but didn't think it ever would.

It was this forum that kept me fighting to make it through every single day - I read all the articles, I read peoples stories, I lived and breathed MLC.

After the first 12 months it did get easier and that is what I am here to tell you - it will get easier - you will be able to breathe again, you will be able to function and you will be able to have good days again even though right now it doesn't seem that way. Unfortunately it takes time, and I cannot tell you how much I hated that word. Time. But it's true.

Now, I am almost 2 years out and of course I still have bad days, but I also have good days. I no longer think about H 24/7. Of course i still have doubts and struggle of what I am doing and where this is going, but that's okay.

We are all here for you and we have all been where you are now. Just keep posting.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on May 02, 2019, 11:26:29 AM
Following along. Just saw your thread.

I'm so sorry you're here. I'll just echo what others have said about taking care of your own health first. I worked out A LOT and went on a lot of super-long walks in the early days of my W's crisis. I wore out some shoes. Any kind of physical activities that wears you out so much your body is more tired than your mind is racing is a good choice.

As you recover, things will get better

Post often. This is the perfect place to ask questions, journal, rant or vent. We've all been there.

Be good to yourself.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 07, 2019, 02:45:52 AM
I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner.  Thank you to everyone that took the time.  I am still struggling and feel so lonely.  He is doing everything he can to avoid me.  Walking the dogs for three hours every morning, straight of to work then off to the pub and doesn't come home till he thinks I'll be in bed.  I get a hello sometimes and that's about it.

  Yesterday I got out of the house and spent some time with a friend,  she persuaded me to go to the pub as they were having a bbq.  If I am with people the black thoughts aren't so bad. 

He turned up later on and joined a conversation I was having. friends are feeling awkward as he makes it so obvious that he doesn't want to speak to me.  He left later but wasn't home when I got in. I knew he had been drinking and was driving.  For reasons only known to him he  parked his car at the top of our long drive so it couldn't be seen from the house.  I spent all night tossing and turning wondering where the hell he was. I got up very early and he startled me as I didn't expect him to be there and stupily asked him where he been. He had driven to the next village bought a chinese, which he hasn't touched, and then went back to the pub, I assume because he was my car was gone and then parked the car at the end of the drive, he has never ever done anything like that.  I assume he did so he could sneak to the house and check I was in bed before he came in. Just seems so childish. 

So in my confusion this morning I asked him why he felt the need to behave this way and he said it was easier, I asked who for and he said him, I said it's easy for you, it's your choice, your decision, regardless of the fact that it's making me feel worse.  He said I was acting like nothing had happened and hadn't listened to what he had said.  I know I should of kept my mouth shut.  When I was talking to him it was like he was looking through me. 

 Is he blind?  I'm falling apart. I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.  I'm on antidepressants which don't appear to be helping and sleeping tablets. I'm having panic attacks and don't know whether I'm coming or going. 

I'd had a better day yesterday than I had in a while and now it's coming crashing down.  My friend is back at work today after the bank holiday and I feel so lost and hurt so I have no one to turn too. 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 07, 2019, 03:10:07 AM
Quote from: jacs
Is he blind?  I'm falling apart. I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.  I'm on antidepressants which don't appear to be helping and sleeping tablets. I'm having panic attacks and don't know whether I'm coming or going. 

Jacs,

What I am going to say is going to sound ruthless and pretty brutal but I am afraid it represents the facts....

You asked if he is blind that you are falling apart....

HE DOES NOT CARE! In fact, if he is a Mid-Lifer that is moving into High energy and monster, he might even be getting a kick out of it seeing you falling apart....

I remember parking away from the house too so I could sneak in... when I was 17.....

The looking through someone is something that STBXW had down to an art form and it used to piss me off to no end... So, I turned the tables and reflected the behaviour back... Boy, she did NOT like that at all...

Judging by what you have written here, your Mid-Lifer is about to transform into some sort of Godzilla wannabe right before your very eyes... His actions and REactions have "Monster Alert" written all over them to me...

If you wanted to be sadistic and really torture him, next time he shows up to an event like that, move to stand next to him... The Mid-Lifer has a deathly fear of contracting the LBS Cootie disease that we all have and will do ANYTHING to avoid physical proximity... You could practically chase him around just to watch him squirm.... And, in reality, that might be a good tact to take if he regularly "shows up" at events where you are invited....

It is a form of control and exercise of power over you like "I am here to ensure that you are constantly reminded that I am screwing you over royally and there is nothing you can do about it."  He doesn't want you but then joins a conversation you were already having? what? the pub isn't big enough for him to go talk to other people?

"You didn't listen to what I said"gets nothing more than a "I'm sorry you feel that way." and then walk away... let HIM twist for a while...
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 07, 2019, 03:34:02 AM
Quote
When I was talking to him it was like he was looking through me. 

 Is he blind?  I'm falling apart. I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.  I'm on antidepressants which don't appear to be helping and sleeping tablets. I'm having panic attacks and don't know whether I'm coming or going. 

I'd had a better day yesterday than I had in a while and now it's coming crashing down.  My friend is back at work today after the bank holiday and I feel so lost and hurt so I have no one to turn too.


That feeling of being invisible is horrible. However MLCer's guilt weighs so heavy that they cannot look at you but through you. 

UM is correct although I am going to lessen the blow slightly.  He cares that you hurt but he doesn't care that you want to blame him for the hurt.  He also doesn't care enough to want to do anything about it.  It's a bit like him saying to someone who's broken their arm - "it'll hurt for a while but the pain will be over soon and, by the way what happened happened so get over it!"

You have the typical LBS diet - soon that will stabilise as you begin to eat more mindfully.  I found that after about 3 weeks or so of almost starvation I began to eat oats such as porridge but only had tiny doses several times a day. That way I was able to store energy and then bread helped.  Now I eat healthier than I did before including becoming a vegetarian - I found my body didn't need meat.

Panic attacks are also normal and I repeat what I said earlier - Try Bach's remedy capsules and I cannot recommend 5 HTP enough.  Much much better than sleeping tablets which just knock you out. 
Sleep is important but it is naive sometimes to think that if you sleep you'll just feel better.  The  sadness inside you is not just reactive depression (how quick GPs do this) it is a complete lack of seratonin and 5HTP starts to replace that inducing sleep naturally.
Please try both remedies for the next few weeks. They are not artificial chemicals but they do much more than valerian which simply knocks you out.

You are also cycling wildly and this is totally normal.  You will veer from a sense of calm to mild hysteria in seconds. This can also be helped with 5HTP and reading as much as you can about MLC, personal growth and focussing on your self love and care. 
A good book to help is "Detach and Survive"  - it took me a few weeks maybe months before I could really get it but it is like a little bible for the first year of being an LBS. 

Read RCR's articles over and over - she describes very clearly what you will be going through and she also helps you understand MLC.  Become a student of MLC and you will soon be able to take control of your self care.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 07, 2019, 04:10:28 AM
Thank you.  I must admit I would happily take the sleeping tablets all day every day just so the awful pain stops for a while.  I tried without last night and took some nytol which is naturAl and it did nothing.  I'll have a look at the ones you recommend.  I have actually already started on the book you recommend but I must be honest I got so far through it and just couldn't face it.  I know I need to detach I've read enough stories on here but don't know how.  Up  too this morning I had been doing ok at  not asking him where he had been but actually detaching so it doesn't affect me... I just don't have a clue how to go about it. 

Our lives are so entwined, it's a very small rural village, as I said before the hub is the pub, it's where everyone meetsup.  If I don't go along I wont see a soul for days on end, but inevitably he we will be there.  Although the last couple of days he's changed his routine and is going much later, I assume to avoid me if I am in there.  Actually it's just occurred to me i should probAbly mention that there is a newish single woman in the pub that he seems a little too keen on, but that may be my imagination.  She's a little odd to make out. She is the sister of one of the locals and has just moved up here.  She met most of the local men through her brother and will only sit and chat with them as much as the women try and include her. I don't think there is anything going on, she's had a tough time herself and has her own issues.  I found out yesterday that they had both been warned by several people that it didn't look good.  Anyway my point was that she also appears to have changed her routine.  As I was there last night and witnessed them both turn up a lot later than they normally would when everyone is about.  I don't know perhaps I've becoming paranoid as well as everything else.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on May 07, 2019, 04:21:56 AM
It is tough to accept but right now he IS doing what is easier for him and no, he does not care or if he does it makes him feel guilty so he will ignore you more. Many of us have had the terrible feeling that our spouses of many years would not care if we lived or died, would not spit on us if we were on fire. It isn't normal of course and so it is very difficult to adapt to it as the current reality.

Right now there really is nothing you can do but force yourself to accept how it is and look after yourself. Which means your sleep, eating etc but also it sounds like you need a plan to find somewhere else to live and how to support yourself bc it is his house I think? And to unpack any joint finances or legal stuff to protect yourself too. And none of that is easy. Tbh you may find it helpful to be living somewhere else as it is such a small community. You will need to dig deep, ask for help probably from friends or family and take one step at a time.

Your sanity and wellbeing means you need to start untwining your lives...and that is hard, we all know how hard it is. But it will help you get back on your feet.

Sadly too, you are not being paranoid about the possibility of an ow. It is very common and there are some red flags here. Nothing you can do about it but trust your own instincts and prepare for the worst even while you hope for the best.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Whyus on May 07, 2019, 05:21:44 AM
Sadly too, you are not being paranoid about the possibility of an ow. It is very common and there are some red flags here. Nothing you can do about it but trust your own instincts and prepare for the worst even while you hope for the best.
Im sorry jacs I have to agree with Treasur, its either a matter of time or "too late" already. Best to prepare yourself mentally for the blow as it will be hard as a motherfiretrucker !
Maybe you could beat him to the "newish single woman in the Pub". It probably wont make any difference but then again, she could probably use a friend in a new neighbourhood and you certainly Need new People around you.
Talk to her, if she is your friend then less Chance that she will start something with your H. Maybe she has moved away from a MLCer and is a LBS too! On the other Hand, he will just move onto the next victim but at least it wont be somebody from the Pub.

It does get better jacs and the antidepressants usually Need 4 weeks before they kick in. I quit them after 2 weeks as I couldnt be bothered with them.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on May 07, 2019, 05:50:12 AM
Hello,

Quote
Right now there really is nothing you can do but force yourself to accept how it is and look after yourself.

I am going to harp on this for a few moments. I am always amazed at Treasur's writing and love just to see how well she stitches together some important statements for you to digest.

If you and your h were in an accident and your were a little hurt and your H was really hurt. You are miles from help and you realize if you don't get help, you will both probably just stay there to either he or both of you die. Or you can try to walk out and find help to survive. It's the only chance you both have. Would you just stay or are you going to LIVE?

Yes, it is how it is. Acceptance is hard, but the more you focus on him and you loss, the more pain you feel. When your H sees your pain, it garners no true sympathy. Instead it justifies his actions. You are both miserable together and you don't need to be together if you are both so miserable.

There are two journeys that happen during this crisis. The journey of the MLCer and the journey of the LBSer. You can't control plot or guide his journey. You can guide and control your journey.

The first step is to regain and realize that you do have control, you do have power, and you have choice. Go eat something you like to eat- especially f he doesn't like it. Go talk to friends and focus on you right now. If there was something you always wanted to do and try, now is the time.

For many of us, we started exercising and eating healthier. Others have found hobbies and other networks. The important thing about detaching is not giving up on love, but learning to love yourself more. You are valuable and you have purpose.

Your goal over the next 24 hours is to do ONE thing that brings a little pleasure to you. It can be any activity or action that brings a positive note to your day even if it is for one moment. Then come back and post.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))) It is a hard journey, but you have a lot of friends in the cyber world pulling for you.

Ready

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 07, 2019, 06:07:08 AM
I wholeheartedly concur with Song  about the 5-HTP.  It is an Aminoacid and is something that your body produces naturally when it is in a normal state... "Fight or Flight" is hardly a normal state and the copious amounts of adrenaline that your body is spitting into your blood stream, along with the Cortisol (the afterproduct of Adrenaline after it has done it's job) do a real number on the Central Nervous System....

5-HTP is a precoursor to both L-Tryptophan (an essential Amino Acid essential for relaxation and sleep) and Serotonin (a CNS Synapse Neurotransmitter that is responsible for mood equalization and "positive" emotional stimulation) so it assists the body in producing both. Because it is a naturally-occurring substance within your body normally, it does not have the nasty side effects that real "sleeping pills" do like dependency.

With respect to the anti-depressants, WhhyUs is right.... there is a ramp-up and ramp-down phase when starting or finishing a course of treatment and NOT following the doctor's recommendations on the dosage can have catastrophic consequences, depending on the type of drug.... The majority of them are in the SSRI category (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) which keep your body from reabsorbing the Serotonin found within the Synapses (Begin to see the connection?) but they work in different ways and not every SSRI is the "right" one for every person... As they all work differently, what may work in one case for one physiology may not work at all in another.... It can be a trial and error process to find the one that works the best for you...
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 07, 2019, 06:15:29 AM
Quote
Talk to her, if she is your friend then less Chance that she will start something with your H.

Sadly whilst this sentiment may ring true - my H started his affair and OW was someone I knew well as a friend before he even met her.

Jacs - this may be something and it may be nothing. Understand though that there is nothing you can do to change the current course of events.  Even if there is no OW he is still in MLC and nothing you say or do will make a difference.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Jackolar12 on May 08, 2019, 02:34:54 AM
Hi, get him to the doctors for a testosterone check. Low testosterone saps your energy so you don’t feel like doing things you used to like. Low levels can also screw your thinking up and bring on depression if left untreated. Keep reading the articles and asking questions to get a greater understanding of MLC.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 08, 2019, 03:00:40 AM
Quote
Hi, get him to the doctors for a testosterone check. Low testosterone saps your energy so you don’t feel like doing things you used to like. Low levels can also screw your thinking up and bring on depression if left untreated

True but getting him there is not really Jac's job. Recommend it to him as it is a great suggestion but remember you can't push a rope.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 10, 2019, 12:14:30 AM
He is now pretty much avoiding me at all costs.  He's leaving the house at 5.30 every .morning to take the dogs for a 10 mile hike, we have both always walked but not like this, he's losing weight and is very pleased with himself.  He has a physical job and is pretty fit anyway but this is taking it to extremes.  He's 
not  eating at home and seems to be surviving on pork pies, McDonald's chips, pizza  of multiple packets of crisps alongside the several pints he's drinking every night, he looks awful. 

He gets back from his walk usually after I've left for work, if I am here he may say hello and that's about it.  He goes to the pub around 5pm and he's still there at gone 7.30pm when I leave.  He now doesn't even acknowledge my existence in the pub until I come to leave which is to say he hasn't fed the dogs.  That's it.  I don't know what time he leaves the pub and I haven't asked, but he is never home before I go to bed around 11pm.  Whether he is still there or is asleep in his car somewhere I have no idea.  Most nights the new woman is there too.  It's a very sma!l pub and it's usually busy around 5 till 7 but after that it is very quiet.

I'm finding the avoiding me and ignoring me very hard, I don't understand why he is doing it and what he hopes to achieve by it.  As much as it hurts I am being purposely friendly with my responses when he does speak to me, answering with a cheery morning and walking off.  Is that the right thing to do?  I want to tell him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt teenager but I know it's pointless.

I'm feeling a little calmer, I guess the AD are starting to do their thing now.  I'm eating a little bit still dropping weight. The panic attacks are lessening. 

I'm finding it very difficult at weekends and on days off. NormAlly I would be pottering at home and riding the horse but I'm still struggling to find any motivation. 

I am so confused and hurt by his behaviour I keep reading and it all fits but I am still struggling to get my head round it. 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 11, 2019, 01:29:46 AM
So last night he left the pub early after looking uncomfortable.  He only spoke to me to tell me he fed the dogs, I already had!  Don't think he was happy about that but what did he expect when he hasn't been coming home till very late.  I gave a couple of friends a lift home and when I got back a couple of hours later he had been home and gone out again.  He didn't come home till 8am this morning.  Didn't say a word.
 
I didn't ask where he had been I just said morning and did he wang a coffee as I was making one at the time.  Short terse response.


Heartbroken.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 11, 2019, 02:44:26 AM
Quote
I don't understand why he is doing it and what he hopes to achieve by it

This is the problem with MLC - half the time - they don't know what they hope to achieve. All that they believe is that you are "the enemy" and that your R is "over".  They have a hundred fabricated reasons why because the one thing they don't want to admit is that they are struggling, hate themselves and know that they have hurt you.


Quote
As much as it hurts I am being purposely friendly with my responses when he does speak to me, answering with a cheery morning and walking off.  Is that the right thing to do? 

Yes yes yes!  Spot on.  This is to show him that he cannot destroy you and what's more it will get him thinking. Not thinking enough to change anything but enough to make him wonder why you are so normal or bright and breezy when you should be in pieces.  That is something that MLCers in the early days cannnot figure out. 

Quote
I'm feeling a little calmer, I guess the AD are starting to do their thing now.  I'm eating a little bit still dropping weight. The panic attacks are lessening. 

I'm finding it very difficult at weekends and on days off. NormAlly I would be pottering at home and riding the horse but I'm still struggling to find any motivation. 

I used to hate the weekends. At least on work days I could go to work and focus on something else. I dreaded driving home to either receive monster or to be looked through as though I were invisible.   The weekends meant that I had to deliberately keep an act up or contrive to be extra busy when all I wanted to do was to stay in bed avoiding the world until Monday.  But with dogs - you can't and  in a way my dogs also saved me.
I found new long walks to go on and spend time grooming them or watching tv snuggled upto them. They came everywere with me in the car - shopping, visiting friends, going to see my sister (my other absolute salvation) and I made plans to keep busy even if it was tidying up a particular cupboard  or vacuuming for the umpteenth time.  I think the house was the tidiest it had ever been consistently in the first year after BD.

Quote
Don't think he was happy about that but what did he expect when he hasn't been coming home till very late.  I gave a couple of friends a lift home and when I got back a couple of hours later he had been home and gone out again.  He didn't come home till 8am this morning.  Didn't say a word.

I'm really sorry about this - I think as you hinted at earlier - you may have to prepare for an OW. Do nothing and say nothing but get yourself clued up about this part of MLC really quickly.  If there is an OW and so far you have only suspicions, then you need to understand how/why an MLCer does this and what an OW is and how it changes things for you even more.

This may be nothing and he may just staying away because you have said you are not able to find anywhere yet.  But I do think that you may also be better off finding somewhere else to live short term at least fairly soon because there is no guarantee he will want to keep the status quo for much longer.  MLCer's have short memories, attention spans and patience.

Keep up the bright and breezy and perhaps now is the time to go really dark - so no more offers of coffee and if you feed the dogs - leave a note short and to the point.  Reduce your level of communication even further where possible. 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 11, 2019, 03:24:36 AM
Thank you. There is no communication at all other than what I have said. Literally nothing.  I know he wasn't with the woman from the pub as she was with me.  But he has a lot of female friends so who knows. 

I'm worried about his drinking and driving. If he gets caught he won't be able to work, ride his bikes. It would probably send him over the edge and then what.   Obviously I can't talk to him about it.   

I have offers from a couple of friends that would put me and the dogs up if things really kick off but until I've found another job I can't even think about getting my own place so I shall stay put for the time being
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 11, 2019, 05:30:31 AM
Quote
I'm worried about his drinking and driving. If he gets caught he won't be able to work, ride his bikes. It would probably send him over the edge and then what.   Obviously I can't talk to him about it.   


Correct you can't but I'm worried about you being there if that does happen. 

"Until" never happens. Change your language to "when I get another job and I am actively seeking and open to new opportunities  I will find another place.

Change your language - changes your thinking and changes your situation.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 17, 2019, 04:09:24 AM
Its been a long and very difficult week for me.  I am struggling to keep my emotions under control and often failing.  Some days I manage to eat a little others days I just cant face anything.  Sleep pattern has totally gone to pot.  I feel so helpless and alone.  I finally got a phone call for the councillor that my GP referred me to - waste of my time - 6 months waiting list, so that's no use to me.

He stayed out both Friday and Saturday night at the weekend, rolling back in at 8am in the morning.  I didn't ask where he had been and just hello when he said hello to me.  On Sunday morning I was hanging out washing when he came home - he hadn't been back 5 minutes when he said he was going for a walk and did I want him to take my dogs, I said it was up to him, he asked me if I was walking that day and I said no probably not, he loaded his dogs in the car, so I asked him if he was taking mine to which he replied he didn't want to take one of them so wasn't going to.  Why bother asking then?  I still don't understand why he asked.

He is still avoiding being at home, waiting to return until I have gone to bed- I would love to know where he goes when he leaves the pub, I'm pretty certain he isn't going to new womans, she lives in her brothers house right next door to a good friend of mine and she is furious with him, she would of told me if she had seen him there, but I'm doing my absolute best not to follow through with that.  Although it did nearly go to pot on Wednesday evening.  I was at a friends house, she had organised a girls night to try and cheer me up a bit.  Unfortunately someone had seen him in town after he had left the pub on Saturday night with mutual friends of ours and yes, the new woman for the pub.  I was utterly devastated.  Mutual friends have an air bnb and I suspect that's where he stayed Friday and Saturday night.  Whether new woman stayed also I don't know.  It may of been innocent but I don't know.  I feel utterly devastated by our mutual friends if they have facilitated this and sick to my stomach at the what ifs.  I ran from the party, quite how I managed to drive is beyond me, I have no recollection of the journey.  I literally found myself at another friends (call her T) house in a heap on their doorstep.

T is married to A who is very friendly with HIM,  although that has backed off a bit in recent weeks.  I guess because I am friendly with them both too and he is keeping his distance.  HE has spoken to A back at the beginning but has avoided it since.  Both A and T are amazing.  Checking on me and frankly keeping me going and stopping me doing something unthinkable.  Both T and A went something similar years ago when A decided he wanted out, they got through obviously and have a much better understanding of what I'm going through unlike my other friends who seem to think I need to just get on with it and stop being so pathetic.  Neither T or A discuss what HE may have said to them and I don't ask.

I don't see him really outside the pub and last night I popped in with my friend T who was there to pick up her husband (A) who happens to be a good friend of his.  He was already there and new woman arrived not long after, it was obvious that they were purposely avoiding interacting with each other.  So I guess it wasn't innocent.  She spoke to me, I'm afraid I just blanked her.  I was scared if I opened my mouth I may have lost it.

I need to sort myself out guys.  I'm all over the place.  My head is whirring.  There is no peace from it at all.  I have lost enthusiasm for everything, even riding my horse.  I have been forcing myself to go out with friends, Sunday I went shopping with another friend (I detest shopping) but it got me away from the house.  Tomorrow I plan on going with T to a craft fair where she has a stall. I've been spending a lot of time at T's helping her with her business, just trying to keep busy I guess but its just a distraction nothing else, there is no joy in any of it.  I hate the weekends now.   Its so bloody lonely.  I am dreading next weekend, there is a big 50th party to attend and he will be there, possibly even the new woman I don't know.

I've taken in the GAL and I need to detach but how the hell do I do that when all I want to do is sleep and never wake up?  I cant bear to think about finding a new job and somewhere to live - it sends me into a massive panic attack.  It just feels like I'm trying desperately to cling to the edge of a cliff and the rocks are crumbling in my fingers.  I've even been having thoughts that I wished he had died - it would be so much easier.  I think I'm going mad.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Whyus on May 17, 2019, 04:31:15 AM
Jacs, we all understand how you are Feeling. You are not going mad, if so then we are all mad!

"I've even been having thoughts that I wished he had died - it would be so much easier." We have all thought something similar to this too. I told my XW once "it would have been easier if you had suddenly died", she told my ILs that I said "I wish that you had suddenly died". You see, they only hear and see what they want to, we are nothing to them at this stage unfortunately.

Its good that you have T and A, not so good that you still go to the Pub so often. Stay out of his way, he is poison for you atm.
Ride your horse instead, the evenings are drawing out so use them wisely.

Im sorry that your having a rough time, try and do something nice on the Weekend (and no more coffees for HIM OK! ;))

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on May 17, 2019, 06:48:12 AM
Hello,

Quote
"I've even been having thoughts that I wished he had died - it would be so much easier."

Yes, in many ways, the old h you know is gone. While he is sorting things out and figuring out who he is, you can only focus on you.

Riding your horse could be a great way to get out and sort your thoughts. It is something you enjoy and what positive activity are you substituting in it's place?

Friends can be a source of support, but can cause issues if they are close to the situation. Like you, they will try to ponder his behavior and that will only suck you back into the vortex. If they want to talk about your h. Just steer the conversation elsewhere. Just say, "I am sorry, but I have had enough about him. Let's talk about something more positive."

Eat, ride your horse, walk your dogs, and if you have to- spit in his coffee. He'll never know and you will feel better. LOL

((((Hugs))) and more (((((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: megogirl on May 17, 2019, 07:49:56 AM
I've even been having thoughts that I wished he had died - it would be so much easier.  I think I'm going mad

Yup - nails it.

The wondering is the worst part.  One poster here likened it to having a missing child, instead of a murdered one.  Because there's no resolution or closure whatsoever. 

I thought that was just brilliant.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on May 17, 2019, 08:26:51 AM
Jacs,
Every single one of us has thought it would be easier if they would have died, so don't feel bad about thinking that.
None of this is easy of course, but I think it might be easier if you wouldn't frequent the same place as him. I know it's the only game in town, but I think seeing him gets you overthinking everything he does and says. I would also tell your friends that you do not want to know where he is, what he does or who he is with.
The less you know the better off you are. You have no control over any of it anyway and it just robs your sanity. Trust me on that one.

Focus on you, focus on your animals and maybe look into finding a job that might help you become financially independent in case he pulls the plug.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 17, 2019, 02:44:39 PM
Jacs - sent you a PM.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Not Your Monkey on May 18, 2019, 05:56:03 AM
Hi Jacs-I have a couple questions for you. How did you meet your partner?

You also mention he has an adult daughter. What was his relationship with her mother? How and when did it break down?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 20, 2019, 05:04:58 AM

Yes, in many ways, the old h you know is gone. While he is sorting things out and figuring out who he is, you can only focus on you.

Riding your horse could be a great way to get out and sort your thoughts. It is something you enjoy and what positive activity are you substituting in it's place?
I used to love riding the horse, but I seem to have lost all motivation.  Its a very lone pastime I guess and it just seems to emphasize how lonely I feel.  As for substituting I am spending a lot of time with my friend T, I'm sure she will get sick of me soon, just helping her with her business and its keeps my mind occupied a bit.

Friends can be a source of support, but can cause issues if they are close to the situation. Like you, they will try to ponder his behavior and that will only suck you back into the vortex. If they want to talk about your h. Just steer the conversation elsewhere. Just say, "I am sorry, but I have had enough about him. Let's talk about something more positive."

They are very close to the situation yes.  And yes I am obsessing over his behaviour, I cant believe whats happening.  Its all so very overwhelming

Eat, ride your horse, walk your dogs, and if you have to- spit in his coffee. He'll never know and you will feel better. LOL

((((Hugs))) and more (((((Hugs)))

Ready
[/quote]
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 20, 2019, 05:08:29 AM
Quote
Every single one of us has thought it would be easier if they would have died, so don't feel bad about thinking that.
None of this is easy of course, but I think it might be easier if you wouldn't frequent the same place as him. I know it's the only game in town, but I think seeing him gets you overthinking everything he does and says. I would also tell your friends that you do not want to know where he is, what he does or who he is with.
The less you know the better off you are. You have no control over any of it anyway and it just robs your sanity. Trust me on that one.

Focus on you, focus on your animals and maybe look into finding a job that might help you become financially independent in case he pulls the plug.

You are absolutely right, its probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, even cancer at the age of 23 was a breeze compared to the pain I am feeling.

Staying away from the pub - it just seems so unfair - he is already destroying my home life and I am supposed to let him destroy my social life too?  It is the only place where we all meet up.  But yes it does tear me apart when I see him sat there with her.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 20, 2019, 05:11:20 AM
Hi Jacs-I have a couple questions for you. How did you meet your partner?

You also mention he has an adult daughter. What was his relationship with her mother? How and when did it break down?

I met him doing a hobby that we both enjoy.

As for his ex-wife they split up several years before I met him.  I don't know the ins and outs but I do know they have no contact whatsoever, there is no positive feelings within either of them for each other.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 20, 2019, 05:32:50 AM
Well I now know that he did indeed stay at the mutual friends air bnb at the weekend, and I also know that she also stayed there at least on Saturday night although I suspect probably Friday night too.

She followed me into the toilets at the pub on Saturday night and tried to speak with me so I confronted her.  She lied through her teeth to begin with until she realised I wasn't falling for it.  She claims they were in separate parts of the bnb but I don't believe it.  I have said absolutely nothing to him but I suspect she may have told him by now.

Yesterday he was vile.  I spent the weekend helping my friend T on her stall at a craft fair.  It was good to be busy and not at home dwelling on things it also had the bonus of confusing him as he was asking people where I was.

Anyway on my way back from the craft fair he phoned me and asked if I had put a password on MY PC, which actually I hadn't.  Apparantly he needed to print something off so I said I would have a look when I got home, he demanded to know how long I would be.  When I got home one of his ex girlfriends (ex finance actually from when he was 18) was there, they have kept in touch over the years, I've met her several times.  She wanted something printing.  Anyway so I spent 20 minutes trying to get on the pc, which eventually I manage to by luck more than anything (it took me a further 2 hours later and help from A who is an IT expert to sort the ruddy thing out)  Anyway not a single word of thanks from him, in actual fact he bit by head off when I was feeding the dogs as I didn't hear him say something.  He simply got in the car and went, no doubt to the pub to see his tart.  Stupidly, and I know I should of just left it, but I rang him to ask if he had problems with the PC when he last tried it as I was still struggling to find the problem, he was downright rude so I responded with a "your welcome" to which he replied "what for, it wasn't for me anyway".  He didn't come home again until after I went to bed.

I'm guess he either thinks I did something on purpose to the PC or tart has told him I had it out with her.  Either way this morning I got a morning when he comes back from his 10 mile hike.  I was as nice as I could be when I responded with a morning.  So who knows.

I am devastated by our mutual friends who have had him at their bnb with her.  I cant believe that they would do that.  Some friends huh?!

I know everyone says I should avoid the pub but if I do then I wont see a soul, its where all my friends meet. Why should I lose everything including my social life?  We have a big 50th party at the weekend at yet another mutual friends.  He has said that he will be going but I don't know if she will be there or not.  I am dreading it.

I am amazing myself at how calm I appear to be on the outside when he is being so indifferent to me, he hasn't seen me cry since BD nor will he.  I just need to work on the inside.  It is the ignoring and avoiding me at all costs I find so difficult.  Everything he would of shared with me six weeks ago he is now sharing with her and its heartbreaking.  I am trying desperately hard not to let it get to me but failing miserably.  I feel pathetic.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on May 20, 2019, 06:06:53 AM
I am sorry.
You are NOT pathetic...but you are surrounded by weak, bad people who you can't trust.

The tough truth is that your previous choices have left you vulnerable and isolated financially and practically. That sucks and it isn't fair...but it is how it is right now.
So you need to do Triage stuff to survive. You will, I promise you it will get easier, but you need to be in survival mode right now.
Which includes assuming that your partner cannot be trusted with anything so you probably should put a password on your computer imho.
What does Triage mean?
You only spend time with people like T who you know have your back 100%.
You only focus on your self-care. Do not do wifely things, do not try to talk to him about anything but bare essentials, do not focus on ow bc you know enough now and do not let him control you.
You prioritise finding a way to earn more money and find someplace else to live and a new life and protect any of your assets that you own.
I know this sucks, every bit of it sucks, but before you can deal with it or look at your options, you need to dig deep and get creative about your own survival my friend. Bc right now your partner no longer cares about your needs or feelings.
There will be time for other things later...but Triage your life first.
You will have good days and bad days, steps forward and steps back...that's ok, we get it, just keep going one step at a time.
 Jmo.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on May 20, 2019, 10:18:10 AM
Jacs, unfortunately you will lose a lot of so-called friends and family in this. Don't dwell on the how could they - people suck and will always watch out for their own selves first. Stick with true friends like T.
Of course it's not fair to have to stay away from the Pub - none of this is fair. We are just suggesting it to help you hurt less. Right now the only thing you need to focus on is your sanity and how to survive. Down the road you might be okay with going to the Pub, but I think right now you just focus on him while you are there and it gets you overthinking and obsessing.
Do you really feel better now that you know he spent the night with her ? Probably not - that's what I meant by the less you know the better you are off because knowing about it doesn't change anything and it just hurts more.

Go as dim as you can. Him being unable to print wasn't really your problem - I would have just said no, I didn't change the password and left it at that.

None of this is easy, we get it, but you are not pathetic - you are just human
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 24, 2019, 03:38:22 AM
I have messed up again.  :(   When am I going to get it into my head that he really doesn't give a flying fig about me or my feelings? 

Basically on Wednesday morning the first thing he said to me was that the farmer has been asking about the yearly rent for the paddock which is next to the house that I took on last year (I spent a lot of money seeding and fencing it, he has the machinery to help me).  I simply answered with OK.  He then went on to say well are you going to pay it and if I wasn't he would because the farmer can't do anything with the ground now as he has already ploughed and seeded the rest of the field.  He wasn't being pleasant at all so, stupidly, I said "I don't know what I have done to deserve being treat like a piece of **** on your shoe, but its not very nice" and I walked away.   When I went back a few minutes later he was still in the kitchen and then it started.   Basically I have been "bleating" to anyone that will listen, not true, and because of that someone had said something to his daughter and he had had to go and see her on Sunday to tell her what was going on.  He would not have that I had not been "bleating" and therefore it was all my fault, regardless of the fact that the person who said something to said daughter is a very well known regular in the pub he was in with the suspected OW at the weekend.  I didn't mention this to him, there was no point, its my fault end of.  He then demanded to know when I was going to tell my parents and if I wished he would come with me or go on his own, as, because of me, everyone is gossiping about what is going on!  He threw a lot of accusations at me, none of them true.  I didn't lose my temper, but I did tell him that he could believe what he liked but it was not true.  I had the relationship is dead you need to move on etc etc and he also stated that he would not put a time limit on when I have to leave or throw me out and that he did still care.  He said he was doing what was easy for him.  I told him his mother would be horrified at everything going on to which he replied his mother would want him to be happy, I asked him if he was happy and he said Sometimes.  During all this he never once mentioned anything about me confronting the suspected the OW, so either she hasn't told him (hard to believe) or he is keeping it up his sleeve for now, probably to bite my backside with at a later date.

I know I know, I shouldn't of said anything.  But at least I didn't raise my voice or lose my cool for which I am thankful.

I have been to the pub twice this week after I had finished work with A & T for moral support (I know everyone thinks I shouldn't and you are probably all right, but I refuse to be driven out by either him or her, its bad enough that I face losing everything else) neither her or him have been there either time, they seem to know when I'm there as I know they are still going in there which of course sets off my monkey brain as you can see! but I am dealing with it a bit better.  Last night after going to the pub I went back to A & Ts for a few hours as they insisted I had dinner with them, we then watched Hot Fuzz, a film I love and made me laugh so although I was monkeying a little about neither of them being in the pub I managed to put it to one side and enjoy a couple of hours away from the constant thinking!    I knew he had been to his sisters who lives 60 miles away on his motorbike in the morning as he had plastered it on facebook, no doubt for me too see, but he wasnt back when I got home and had not returned when I left for work this morning.  He also took the bike that he only uses when he has a pillion, I am trying my best not to think about these things but I don't seem to be able to stop it.  I am not going into a complete meltdown and having the amount of panic attacks that I was, I guess I feel resigned to this is hows its going to be and theres nothing I can do about it, but by god it doesn't stop it hurting.  I also know I have to detach, but that is so much easier said than done.  I am feeling very angry with him right now.

I had been so good for a few days with only responding to his "alright" in the mornings with just a cheerful "morning" in return, I don't usually see him again till the following morning and if I do he basically doesn't speak to me.

Its bank holiday weekend in the UK this weekend and frankly I am dreading it.  I have this 50th party to go to on Saturday night and I don't know for sure if he is attending or not or whether OW will be there either.  Any tips on handling it if they do turn up or if they don't!!?    I really need to stop thinking about it and believe me I am trying.  It hits me in waves.  Some days are better than others, actually its more hour by hour and although I am still utterly devastated and don't really know which way to turn I know I am not as bad as I was, I'm still not good but I'm not drowning at the moment.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on May 24, 2019, 04:34:09 AM
jacs, don't be so hard to yourself. Thank yourself for not losing your temper and raise your voice. You did throw some truth darts too, there is no reason to be doormatted either so you had your right to say what you did. Just for yourself, try to stay out as many of discussions (which are not really discussions with monstering MLCer) as possible. Make a strategy for yourself in case he starts again. In your situation it is not that relevant even what you say or not, he probably just don't care or even remember that afterwards.

We all have learned step by step for how to handle these situations. Believe me I made all the mistakes, many times, lost my temper and got myself sucked into R talks. It's really difficult not to.

I have been to the pub twice this week after I had finished work with A & T for moral support (I know everyone thinks I shouldn't and you are probably all right, but I refuse to be driven out by either him or her, its bad enough that I face losing everything else)

It's your right to go there my friend, as long as you can handle the situation if you happen to see them there.

He also took the bike that he only uses when he has a pillion, I am trying my best not to think about these things but I don't seem to be able to stop it.  I am not going into a complete meltdown and having the amount of panic attacks that I was, I guess I feel resigned to this is hows its going to be and theres nothing I can do about it, but by god it doesn't stop it hurting.  I also know I have to detach, but that is so much easier said than done.  I am feeling very angry with him right now.

You can't force yourself to 'stop thinking'. You can make sure you things, go places, meet people, whatever to give him LESS headspace, though you can't get him out of your head. You can't force detachment either but can do a lot of things to help it develop over time by doing things for yourself, anything that is not related to him.

Can't give good advice on 50th party issue but IMO you have a right to go there as well, just as above, make a strategy in case of meeting him there.

Stay strong,  you will get over this.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on May 24, 2019, 04:54:10 AM
He is a mess. You did not mess up. These are different things.
You did very well imho not to let him pull you into a pointless argument. And to calmly tell him not to speak to you in that way.

The thing is, jac, they lie. A lot. Almost all the time. And when they are not lying, they are blaming you. It is not your fault if other people don't approve of his behaviour but it is Script. That it is not HIS behaviour that is the problem but your/others reaction to it. Not your problem.

Only you know what you can cope with in terms of going to the pub and the party. I understand that you don't want to lose your social contacts or feel run out of town when you have done nothing wrong. But I suspect it also makes it difficult to start detaching and disengaging from the drama. We all spend way too much time thinking initially about where they are and what they are doing...even harder when you live with them. The only answer I am afraid is time and getting very busy with focusing on your own challenges and priorities.

But truly you did not mess up. It's a mess, true enough, but not your mess. Didn't cause it, can't fix it...but you can start to do what you need to fix you.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on May 24, 2019, 05:06:29 AM
btw jacs, are you sure you want to be fb friends with him? I was really relieved when unfriended XW and I didn't have to monkey brain about her updates anymore.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on May 24, 2019, 07:56:26 AM
Jacs,
You didn't mess up - we all live and learn through this nightmare and we figure things out the hard way.
If you are okay with going to the pub and if it doesn't spiral you down, then by all means go - if you want to go to the party, then go.
My anxiety would always just spin out of control when faced with H so that's why I avoided any accidental meetings for the first 1 1/2.

As far as FB - I know it's very tempting to keep track of what he is doing, but again, ask yourself what you are getting out of it other than pain......I know I did not want to know anything about OW or H because it would just send my brain running in circles.

And that is all that we are doing - telling you to do what is best for you. Only you decide, we just share our experiences.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 28, 2019, 05:22:48 AM
Hello again.  Back to update and ask some more questions if I can.

First off, the party, I went, he did not!  He had told my friend whose party it was that it was probably not a good idea the day before!  I've also been to the pub a couple of times and he hasn't been there, neither has OW, which sets my head off monkeying but its better than having to watch them together I guess.

Had a great night at the party, which I really didn't expect, had a few moments when I was reminded that he should be there with me and another moment when a friend of his asked me what was going on as he had hear rumours (Sigh).  Anyway, all in all not too bad, although I could of done without the trip to A & E at midnight and being stuck there till 4am with a friend who was a little worse for wear and ended up falling and hurting her leg.  O well, gave us something to laugh about over the weekend!  Laugh!  now it was good to finally laugh.  It doesn't stay with me for long but its a start I guess.  Have yet another party coming up this weekend, I will be very surprised if he doesn't turn up to this one.  But I know OW wont be there as she is not invited so that's a little bit of weight off.

He is still playing avoid avoid avoid.  He hasn't been returning home some nights, and at least not until I have gone to bed.   I have no idea where he is and I'm trying very very hard not to think about it, but it is easier said than done.    I have seen him in passing at home a couple of times over the long weekend, neither time did he speak or acknowledge my existence, so I returned the favour.  And this is where my questions come from.

When he is completely ignoring me as he appears to be at the moment, do I speak to him first i.e. morning or hello, or do I just ignore him unless he speaks to me first?    He is the King of stonewalling so I don't expect this silence to end any time soon, after all its easier for him apparently.    I must admit I really don't understand why he is doing it.  All those years with someone, sharing everything with them, then overnight they suddenly don't even acknowledge your existence is incredibly hurtful.   It just makes for a terrible atmosphere.  Is this a common thing?  Or should I be worried about something else going on that hasn't reared its ugly head yet?  You guys advised me to go dark, is this dark?  To me it seems so alien.  He did send me a snapchat message last night, I think he snaps to see if I have read it or not.  So I haven't even opened it.  It probably only says something about feeding the dogs but frankly I really wasn't in the right space to have any sort of discussion with him.  It sounds very childish and pathetic but if is something more sinister than something to do with the dogs I'm not sure I want to know!

I've been to the doctors again this morning, I am feeling a little better than I was.  I go hour by hour.  Had awful panic attacks on Sunday and last night, triggered by the fact he didn't come home again I guess, which in turn means I find it almost impossible to sleep, without resorting to a sleeping aid.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on May 28, 2019, 05:37:38 AM
Laugh!  now it was good to finally laugh.  It doesn't stay with me for long but its a start I guess. 

Yes! It is a GOOD start jacs, be sure to notice all those little yet so important things, everything on earth is NOT about THEM.

Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...

I used sleeping aid, still do at times. Nothing is more important than take care of your sleep, tiredness multiplies monkey braining and anxiety and makes everything even more difficult to cope with.


Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 28, 2019, 05:45:41 AM


Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...



Sorry Silver do you  mean I should say hello or good morning even if he hasn't said anything at all to me?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on May 28, 2019, 05:52:06 AM
Quote
When he is completely ignoring me as he appears to be at the moment, do I speak to him first i.e. morning or hello, or do I just ignore him unless he speaks to me first?    He is the King of stonewalling so I don't expect this silence to end any time soon, after all its easier for him apparently.    I must admit I really don't understand why he is doing it.  All those years with someone, sharing everything with them, then overnight they suddenly don't even acknowledge your existence is incredibly hurtful.   It just makes for a terrible atmosphere.  Is this a common thing?  Or should I be worried about something else going on that hasn't reared its ugly head yet?  You guys advised me to go dark, is this dark?

Going dark is about choosing when to respond and when not to say or do anything at all. It does not mean absolute silence and it also does not mean that you can't be bright and breezy. Both approaches can work with each other but it takes practice.  So you could say " Morning " in a bright tone and have no expectations of a response.  That's the hard part - no expectations. 

Soooo....  if you can say it and walk away and truly not be bothered about whether he responds or not then go for it.  It's a good way to show him that you are not going to crumble and neither are you going to walk from your R just because it suits him.  However if you cannot do that then say nothing: but keep busy.

Just don't initiate any attempt at a conversation.

My over-riding concern Jacs is that at this moment in time you are in his place - you have no legal ownership and he may choose to have you evicted.  This is where you have to start creating alternative plans A , B and C.  Choosing not to find somewhere else to live or at least genuinely explore options is going to be a problem.  He is staying away and so for the time being that is a form of space for you but get prepared for the fact that he may stick to what he originally said and that you could stay there for a while.   

You cannot predict what an MLCer will do and one who has complete ownership of where you live is a further problem. 

If you pay rent to him and it is a contract between you and him, rather than an informal arrangement, then he will have to jump through a couple of legalhoops. If you are not paying rent and the house is his, then spend a bit of time seriously looking at your options.  The last thing you want is for this to escalate.

Leaving does not mean that you cannot stand - it just means that you are protecting yourself. 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on May 28, 2019, 05:58:59 AM
My over-riding concern Jacs is that at this moment in time you are in his place - you have no legal ownership and he may choose to have you evicted.  This is where you have to start creating alternative plans A , B and C.  Choosing not to find somewhere else to live or at least genuinely explore options is going to be a problem.  He is staying away and so for the time being that is a form of space for you but get prepared for the fact that he may stick to what he originally said and that you could stay there for a while.   

You cannot predict what an MLCer will do and one who has complete ownership of where you live is a further problem. 

If you pay rent to him and it is a contract between you and him, rather than an informal arrangement, then he will have to jump through a couple of legalhoops. If you are not paying rent and the house is his, then spend a bit of time seriously looking at your options.  The last thing you want is for this to escalate.

Leaving does not mean that you cannot stand - it just means that you are protecting yourself.



He doesn't own the house, he rents it.  The tenancy is in his name, the Landlord is a personal friend also, who, as far as I know is not aware of the situation at present.  I pay a set amount into his account every month.  I do have a couple of friends I can stay with if needs be should the worse come to the worse, and I have been quietly looking for somewhere to rent but nothing is available at the moment.


Edited for readability - UM
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on May 28, 2019, 06:13:13 AM
I agree with Song, about the contact.  If you can not expect him to reply, why not just be cordial and say..Morning...Night?

That's pretty much going Dark.  Polite but not starting conversations, unless he does.  Even then keep them light and short.

I hate that you are going through this but unless he changes things up, just take care of yourself and yes...try to find other living options if you can.

Hugs, jacs.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on May 29, 2019, 01:33:39 AM


Going dark, don't know about that but I see no reason to say 'hello' or 'good morning' or whatever, it's normal adult behaviour as long as living under same roof. Just don't ask questions or initiate any talks. Someone told me to act like XW was a distant relative, civil but aloof. I couldn't quite do that but I believe it could be the way to go in your case, he makes that rather easy by not talking to you...



Sorry Silver do you  mean I should say hello or good morning even if he hasn't said anything at all to me?

Sorry jacs for being imprecise, Song and Thunder explained it very well though.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on June 03, 2019, 03:49:02 AM
I'm back again.  Not so good today.  I've been doing OK, keeping out of the way, keeping busy, being bright and cheerful.  And this morning it all went pear shaped.

I was minding my own business having a cup of tea before work and he came and found me and started monstering at me.  He was asking me lots of questions and I didn't know how to respond, and frankly some of the questions he asked me are none of his business any more.  He was annoyed because I went out for the day yesterday "I snuck out like it was a big secret where I was going" when I tried to explain that I am more than happy to tell him where I am going but as he will not talk to me it is very difficult he said "I don't &&&&&& care".  He wanted to know had I told my parents what has happened and what I have told them, he wanted to know if I had looked for somewhere to live as he didn't want %%%** lodger.  He told me once again that the rent on my paddock was due but he was going to pay it so I didn't have any right to it and a whole lot of stuff besides.    Had he asked me in a different manner I might have felt inclined to answer some of them but as it was, I just Uhhu'd when appropriate, agreed when appropriate and avoided answering things I didn't want too.  I had to tell him in the end that I wouldn't be spoken too like that and walked away.  He left then to go to work.

Left me feeling very shaken and upset and now I have a long day at work and I can barely concentrate.  How on earth can someone who you loved turn into such a nasty spiteful individual in a matter of days. Don't answer that I know why its just so hard.  I am pleased that I didn't react, didn't lose my temper or get upset although I think my composure made him worse if that's possible.  It literally came out of nowhere. 

I probably did everything wrong again, and made the situation 1000 times worse.  So advise please, when it happens again, when he starts asking me questions that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about how is the best way to respond?  Should I tell him or should I stick to my guns. 

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 03, 2019, 04:26:24 AM
You know why keeping your composure made it worse, right?

You were NOT reacting in the way he wanted so he had to up the ante. It is a game of power and control. As long as you do NOT react the way they want, you do not add fuel to their fire, they have to do something "different" to feed the monster.

From reading your post, the one thing I learned with my xW1 when she was Monster was that, the first time she started screaming/monstering/swearing, that was the end of the discussion. "You will not speak with me like that. You have <x> seconds to speak calmly or this conversation is over" and I'd start counting..... and that was the end.  Letting him do it over and over before telling him to grow up is showing that you are not serious about that as a boundary.... Meanwhile, keep looking for a place to live and get the Hades out of there....



Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Thunder on June 03, 2019, 04:43:22 AM
jacs, I'm sorry he Monstered at you.  You did good to stay calm, but I agree with UM he was looking for a big fight, you didn't give it to him so he got frustrated and got angrier.  Monsters don't like to be ignored.

If you don't take the bait he will eventually see he is wasting his time trying to get you to argue.
Arguing takes two people.  Just refuse to be one of them and he will find someone or something else to Monster at.

I sure hope you can find a place soon so you can get away from him.

Hugs
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on June 03, 2019, 04:43:48 AM
You did NOTHING wrong. And NOTHING to cause it or make it worse.
But the situation you are in is wrong and unhealthy and you need to get out of it asap.
At best, this is bullying. At worst it is abuse. As UM says it is all about power and control. Which is why your success in staying calm and walking away made him so angry.

Nobody makes someone else be abusive.
But you can't avoid it, ignore it or accept it for too long before it either really damages you or gets much worse.
Please ask your friends for help and make a plan to remove yourself from a terrible situation, jacs, before it gets much worse. it is hard and it is even harder to accept someone acting this way, but life will be easier when you are safe from being abused and walking on eggshells waiting for the next horrible moment.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on June 04, 2019, 12:52:30 AM
I totally agree with the others.

You did everything right in the first instance and then showed real courage in attempting to explain.

Problem is - when an MLCer is in monster mode like that - their hearing becomes extrememly impaired and twists everything you say.

This is about him. UM is correct - you didn't react to him - you chose to remain calm and this is where imposing boundaries and going dark is so helpful.

UM, Treasur and Thunder give good advice and and learning to place the occasional truth dart is really helpful to show the MLCer he cannot get to you.   

Remember too an MLCer looks for blame. They know that what they are doing or how they are behaving is wrong - they choose to blame external forces and whilst you live with him in his house - you will be the source and focus point of that blame.

Don't be noble and stay there - this could escalate so for your own safety; get your friends up to speed about what is happening and warn them that you may be staying there sooner rather than later.

What you will find now is one of three things:
The MLCer will become worse and more verbally abusive
or
he will go quiet and things will return back to the relative calm of the earlier few days. However this is a time for caution and being very aware of what he is saying and doing
or
he will turn on charm monster, squirm his way back in - become all calm and talk at you why you should do this and he should do the other.  Charming , calm monster is manipulative and will do all he can to make YOU feel guilty and responsible. 

However this is the time to practice establishing the boundary quickly and clearly.  Um gives a good example

"H I do not accept you shouting at me and so the next time you raise your voice, I will ask you to stop and if you cannot, I will finish the conversation and walk away"

Short and to the point and then follow through.

However this kind of torrent of verbal abuse has to be stoppped and so go very dark. Keep bright and breezy and sort out your finances over the paddock.  His threat is an empty one re this because if you have been paying the rent on it - just his one contribution does not make it his.

Nevertheless, he is going to use this against you and you need to be really sorting out where to live.

I know what it's like in the UK rental market at the moment but have you thought of applying to the council for accommodation? Contact citizen's advice and talk to them.

Jacs - either way this is abuse - whether it's a one off or the potential for continuous.  Respect yourself above all else.

Happy to provide you with lots of words and techniques but bear in mind that MLC will take its course and no amount of tactics or strategies will convince the MLCer to stop having an MLC . Navigating this mess takes years and can drain an LBS beyond belief so by all means learn how to help yourself but don't put yourself in the firing line any more than you have to.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on June 05, 2019, 04:11:45 AM
I had the monster again last night.  I had been out all day (wrong thing to do apparently) returned home at tea time, he was in the pub as usual, and as per usual I didn't expect him home before I went to bed.  Wrong.  Around 8pm he came home and started spewing immediately.  Wanting to know who Ive been speaking to, have I spoken with my parents, what am I doing about finding somewhere to live etc etc.  Once again he was raising his voice and swearing at me, so I told him once again not to speak to me like that.  He turned the tv off at the power and threatened to turn the wifi off as I would not engage with him.  I went to leave the room, he slammed the door and stood in my way.  In the end I told him that I would leave if he didn't get out of my way, he moved and then proceeded to follow me around the house.

This went on for about half an hour.  He was accusing me of all sorts of things, mainly the things he's been doing, going out and staying out till late if coming home at all, therefore he doesn't know if I have fed the dogs or not etc etc.  I pointed out that this was not true and that in actual fact he has been the one that has been doing this backed up with examples.  He then said that "next time I disappear you wont need to worry about my dogs as I have made arrangements for someone to feed them and they wont be here".    He was complaining about walking the dogs, including mine, every morning for 10 miles for the last few weeks, I pointed out that he had decided to get fit and started walking for miles and that he had chosen to take the dogs with him, and that it has nothing to do with me, as I walk the dogs myself also, to which he replied "yes with Elaine and others so you can have a good gossip about whats going on, and anyway from now on I wont do anything with your dogs and only see to mine".  (OKKKKKKK  So why did you take my dogs with you on your walk this morning mister?)   Some of the stuff he was saying was just bizarre and he was constantly contradicting himself.

Yesterday morning because he met me on the back lane to the pub (his friend was taking him to collect his car from the pub as as usual he had drunk too much the night before) which also happens to be the same road to A & T house which is where I was going, I was checking up on him!  (Idiot you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work out where you car is pal when you've arrived home the night before on your bike and I don't care anyway.) 
 
I have sorted out the field rent, he didn't like that at all.  He threatened to go to my parents house and tell them whats been going on - he didn't.  He says I am gadding about like nothing has happened without a care in the world, that I am never at home (really - how would he know HES NOT HERE)  It went on and on and on.  In the end I told him that I was leaving as he was not respecting my request to not shout and swear at me.  He demanded to know if I was coming back that night.

I have recorded the entire conversation.  I'm not sure why I did it at the time, but it has been interesting listening to it back and gleaning what I was, or more to the point, wasn't saying that seemed to inflame him.

When I got home a couple of hours later he was still there, I went to bed, said goodnight on the way and had a "night then" in response.

This morning he responded to my good morning.

I have my friends A & T aware of the situation and I can go there at a moments notice, I have a key.    The whole thing is just bizarre.

On one hand he wants to do his own thing, see who he wants when he wants.  I have stepped right back and let him get on with it.  I do not question where he's been, who with, when he's coming back, zip nada. However, the fact that I too, am getting out and doing things, really seems to be angering him, and he's demanding to know everything.  He's accusing me of doing things that he's blatantly been doing (I know projection).

One thing I did want to point out.  He has a firearms and shotgun licence, this is the reason he uses for not going to the doctors about his depression.  If for one second I feel under any sort of physical threat from him I will have no hesitation to call the police.  That would be an absolute last resort and he is well aware of the implications of this and it would be a devastating blow to him.

House hunt is still ongoing.  But not found a thing suitable as yet.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on June 05, 2019, 04:36:49 AM
Ok, jacs, this is all good...I can see that you are in a different place than a few weeks ago when you were shocked and blaming yourself.
You have plans in case you need to protect your safety, a bolthole with friends if you need it and you are looking for a place to live away from this insanity. You are also managing to not engage with his monster spew and as far as I can tell not playing games or snooping or adding to the drama. All good.

It is odd when you start to see just how bizarre their behaviour is and how much of what they say is projection and control. It is a weird experience but a good reminder that this isn't about you and that nothing you say or do, no amount of love or logic, will make any difference to him. But looking after yourself first and detaching from the crazy rollercoaster as much as you can will make a tremendous difference for you.

Keep home hunting....and find some nice things to enjoy when the sunshine comes back x
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 05, 2019, 04:46:18 AM
So, let's see if I got this right here....

He wants you gone but when you are, he tosses a wobbly....
He berates you about the rent for the paddock but when you take care of it, he is mad ....
You live in a village with 2 roads and if he sees you on one of them, you are "checking up" on him...
He complains about taking care of your dogs but then takes them on his walks anyway
Oh, and while he's at it, he's walking for miles and complains about that too...
He threatens retaliation if you do not engage the monster
he physically blocked the door to keep you from walking away from Monster...
He's threatening to go to your parents house and tell them what's going on (don't they already know from you? If not, they should) and this is a threat how?
He demands to know what you are doing, with whom, and for how long but doesn't give you the same information... Has he morphed into your father now?
He threatens to "disappear" and says that his dogs are taken care of... OK, don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out...

Quote
He says I am gadding about like nothing has happened without a care in the world,

THIS sums it up in a nut shell... You are not sitting at home crying in a puddle of tears in your little stasis box and crocheting lace doilies waiting for him to return.. and he doesn't like that...

And, just to add a little light and brevity to the subject, he's a depressed drunk with access to guns and a temper... Oh JOY! 
(https://media.giphy.com/media/oHxvMoyHQPb3n2z9Zy/giphy.gif)

The sooner you can get out of Hades, the better.... Then just leave him to it... It is his crisis, his $#!t show, his circus, his monkeys, his farm, his cows, and his BS to deal with...
(https://media.giphy.com/media/diLKSFc93hV8A/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on June 05, 2019, 09:38:04 AM
I cannot top what UM says or his gifs which just made me howl with laughter.

Jacs - this is really good work. Can you now see that it is not about you but completely and utterly his crisis. 

If I had to say one thing it would be to try and stop the monstering sooner.  So two things.

Firstly truth darts - validate what they say " I'm sorry you feel that way..... (and then add the dart) but you know it's not true"

Keep repeating that until he accuses you of being a stuck record.

Secondly - Find a reason or just leave the house when he starts.   Use the boundary phrase.... " H if you continue to raise your voice/follow me/continue with these accusations, I will leave the house and not return until you are calm and can talk rationally"

By removing yourself sooner rather than later you will avoid an escalation.   He may continue the moment you get back so you just do it again.

He is like a three yr old child having tantrums and the best way to deal with it is not to deal with it as a fixer would as in reply to everything he says and react accordingly. Sometimes just standing quietly in a neutral position( no arms folded) head slightly tilted and listening with your eyes can stop an MLCer in their tracks because they have this knack of reading body language and will be able to see that you are listening to them and remaining silent.  That can sometimes scare the bejesus out of them.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on June 17, 2019, 05:08:22 AM
So its been a difficult week... again.  I've seen the monster again once, demanding to know had I found somewhere to live and was I actually even looking,  although no where near as bad as last time.  It seems monster only appears if I appear to be in a good mood and busy doing things, which I find very odd.  I headed monster off before he really got started and its been relatively peaceful since.

My elderly mother had a fall last week and has managed to break her ankle in two places and has made quite a mess of it.  She needs to have it pinned and plated but it has been too swollen to do much at the moment.  She has an appointment again tomorrow and hopefully they will be able to operate as they are running out of time.  Its all very stressful.

Needless to say,H has not even mentioned my mother let alone ask how she it, which I find very strange.  My mother has always had a wonderful relationship with him but he seems to have cut them from his life too.

He is pretty much totally ignoring me and avoiding me at all costs still, apart from the odd monstering episode.  I really am struggling with coming to terms with the utter hatred he seems to have towards me. Nor do I understand the lengths he is prepared to go to avoid me.  I've really been struggling with the monkey braining, and feel like I am driving myself mad.

I need to ask for some advice please, it is his 53rd birthday on Saturday and I have no idea how I should handle the situation.  Do I wish him a happy birthday or completely ignore it?  I am dreading it actually, it should be a day we do things together and instead I shall probably spend the day trying to hide from him. 

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: serenity on June 17, 2019, 05:14:48 AM
Hi jacs

I don’t think it ever hurts to send a brief text, but keep it short and quite simple - like you’re messaging a distant old relative

Hope that helps

X
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Penelope2018 on June 17, 2019, 03:25:47 PM
I wouldn't wish him happy anything and carry on like it was any other day.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on June 17, 2019, 03:33:22 PM
There is nothing wrong with saying or texting just the words " happy birthday " . Attach nothing to it interms of emojis or anything. If you say it - then be just bright and breezy in tone and preferably say it before you leave or walk away.

Him approaching you when you are in a good mood is typical MLC monster.... devious, cunning and aiming to upset you.  How could you be so normal and upbeat when he thinks you should be crying and begging him  etc etc.....

So he tries to wind you up and upset you so that he can " win"

That said - you really do need to find somewhere soon. Even with your friends.  I assume that you can't stay with your mother as she may not be local?

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on June 18, 2019, 12:10:13 PM
I always just Texted: Wishing you a Happy Birthday - no more no less

Unless you do not wish him a happy anything, in which case I would just do nothing. I am sorry to hear about your mom. Since she won't be able to move much with a broken ankle, do you think you could stay with her for some time ? He seems to be determined to get you moving, so I would really start looking before he gets really ugly and gets you evicted or something like that. Have you looked any more for a job ? You have to be ready for him to cut you off financially as well, so I would try to find something soon.


Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on June 19, 2019, 06:58:54 AM
Thank you all for your replys.

Living with my mother is a no go - they dont have the room and are not allowed pets.

Still house hunting and job hunting with no success so far. 

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, he has announced out of the blue, that I have until the 13th of July to remove my horse as he will be taking down the fencing and stable as "nothing seems to be happening" (I have a stable and hay storage and a very small paddock in the garden of the house) this will just leave with me with the field I rent from the farmer next door.

So on I trudge - trying to stay away from the house (and the pub) as much as possible, living like a nomad, staying out of his way while trying to hold everything else together.  It just feels like a non ending cycle of being kicked in the guts every time I try to get up.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 19, 2019, 07:17:44 PM
Hello,

I have absolutely no knowledge of UK law, but I don't think he has a right to remove the stable as that has a direct impact on you and your lifestyle. Its the same as throwing your things out the door.

You have been together for four years. You have been living and grown accustomed to a lifestyle that he has help provide. You have done thing for him as well.

Keep looking for a place and a job, but also see what rights you have in this situation. Part of standing is realizing that you have control and choice in this situation and the game does not have to be played by his rules.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on June 20, 2019, 12:19:51 AM
Quote
I have absolutely no knowledge of UK law, but I don't think he has a right to remove the stable as that has a direct impact on you and your lifestyle. Its the same as throwing your things out the door.

Ready - sadly I believe he does have the right and has given Jacs sufficient notice.  Her H rents the house (Jacs moved in to join him) and so probably has the right to remove the fence. Hoistorically it may well have been an agreement with the landlord that he could install one in the first place for Jac's horse and so he has the right of removal.

Unfortunately for Jacs, as she is not on the lease, her rights as a tenant are few. 
However she could argue that she is his common law wife but there are few rights unless children are involved.

This is the problem with moving in to anywhere without establishing your legal rights.  In the heady romantic fervour - the last thing any couple really thinks about is the legal issues if it all goes wrong.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on June 22, 2019, 02:55:18 AM
Struggling today.  It's his birthday.  When I got back from work yesterday afternoon he had gone, taken his dogs with him and clearly an overnight bag.  I don't expect he will be back this weekend.  I feel so low and incredibly lonely and hurt.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I have texted him happy birthday and hope you have a lovely day.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on June 23, 2019, 01:14:54 AM
Struggling today.  It's his birthday.  When I got back from work yesterday afternoon he had gone, taken his dogs with him and clearly an overnight bag.  I don't expect he will be back this weekend.  I feel so low and incredibly lonely and hurt.

I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do but I have texted him happy birthday and hope you have a lovely day.

It is what it is Jacs. Neither right nor wrong - just normal and you being authentic.  So sorry that you're going through this pain.  I remember it well.

Today - make a decision to do three things - they can be simple, they can be complex.  Go for a ride on your horse - enjoy the countryside and views.  Keep busy. Doing nothing is sometimes more destructive

There would be nothing wrong with having a bit of a duvet day - I know that contradicts what I said...... 

However maybe one of your three things is to self -indulge, have a good cry,allow yourself to feel c**p.  Then have a shower, bath, pamper yourself.  Read (if you can - it took me years to start reading books again) do newspaper puzzles or quizzes.  Devour everything that is on this forum over and over again.

What I'm saying is - use the time  that you are on your own to HELP YOU.  Don't spend it worrying or panicking.  Spend it on you however or whatever works for you. 

Being lonely is horrible but I discovered I would rather be alone than lonely and I would rather spend my time doing what I needed/wanted/felt like doing than wondering about what monster H would say or do.

It takes courage and effort - but choosing to look after your needs/wants etc is the best thing you can do.

Have you read the book - Detach and Survive.  I think you can kindle it via Amazon. I bought a hard copy - it really helped me understand how to look after me.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 01, 2019, 03:35:06 AM
So he totally ignored my Happy Birthday message.  Reappeared on Sunday afternoon after spending the weekend with her.  I now know for a fact that he is seeing the woman from the pub - its devastated me. Once again my life feels like someone has pulled the rug from under my feet.  I'm desperately hard to get back up on my feet but keep falling back down.

I don't know whether I should confront him over this or just leave it be.  I want to see him how much pain he is causing me but I know its a wasted effort. 

He is being particularly petty over things now, in fact just this morning he sent me a stroppy text after I had left to work about seeing to my dogs - I had fed all the dogs including his, all he had to do was put two of mine back in their run, apprantly that's me taking the p*** now.    We have always both mucked in to seeing to the dogs, at the weekend he went off sea fishing - I saw to his dogs.  No biggie.  Well at least I thought it wasn't.  Seems I got that wrong too.  I haven't responded to his message and not sure whether I should.

He has even hidden some rocky road that his crazy has made for him, after their weekend together, in the electrical cupboard - how old is he, cause I don't know many 53 year old who would go to the trouble of hiding some cake!  Its so pathetic its quite funny.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on July 01, 2019, 04:10:13 AM
Hello,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was just as devastated when I found out about the OP.  I am also sorry about your home situation.

You need to let him go and your priority is taking care of yourself and your situation. You need to find a place and get out of there as soon as possible and start living as if he is never coming back.

This is a tough assignment given your animals and other factors, but this should be your only focus.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: One day at a time on July 01, 2019, 06:16:31 AM
Jacs, I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's very very tough..

I have read your thread on and off so I might not know your story fully but from what I know and what you wrote in your last post, I think you are hoping all of this will go away and that if you show him how much he's hurting you, it will make him snap out of it.. I know this because I've been there but now that some time has gone by, I see things differently and I will tell you how I see them in my case and hopefully this will help you..

My H ended our marriage and from that point on, I became an inconvenience. Well, I was probably an inconvenience before that point but he "tolerated" me because I was still "officially his wife" although he treated me very bad. At BD2, he was clear he wanted to move on so as far as he was concerned, there was nothing else to talk about other than practicalities. Any attempt from me to discuss the situation was met with anger because he already had said he was done, why was I questioning his decision? Why did I have hope when he was so clear? In relation to OW, as far as he was concerned, he was free.. So even talking to OW on the phone while I was in the same room was acceptable and it was shocking for him I would be upset about that... Sure, we were no longer together, what was to be upset about?

All I said in the previous paragraph is what I think was his mindset... I had a lot of emotions about it off course but as insane as it sounds, that WAS his mindset and I was going against it.. And the more I tried to change his mind, the meaner he became because as far as he was concerned, I was not respecting him or listening to what he wanted. So the only option I had was to let go and regain some peace... My choice was to ask him to move out even though I was petrified I was making a mistake... I just couldn't live that anymore because it was destroying me as a person.

I fully agree with Ready, you need to get out of there and start looking after yourself by having less contact.. Unfortunately (and I hate to say this because I know how much it hurts to read it but needs to be said) he's gone and there's nothing you can do to bring him back. He's mentally and emotionally gone and he will be like that for a long time. Sharing the same house is currently causing you a lot of personal pain and is keeping you in the roller-coaster. You need to find a place where you can regroup and focus on yourself to heal. There's no shortcuts, it's a painful journey but none of got a choice here. Right now, self preservation should be your number 1 priority.

Big hugs!

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 02, 2019, 05:00:18 AM
Thank you both.  I am a scouring the estate agent's every day.  No luck as yet.

One day I understand what you are saying.  And yes there are moments when I wish he would change back,  of course I do it's what we all want isnt it?  I know he's gone and I know I need to protect myself.

  I'm spending as much time as I can at my friends and stay there several nights a week.  What I don't understand is why when he obviously despises me so much and wants me gone does he message me demanding to know where I am and when I will be back.  He did exactly that last night via snapchat.  I have told him severAl times im trying to stay out of his way.   I don't ask him anything, I never have,he comes and goes as he pleases without any interference from me. I

Last night I responded with " I am doing my best to stay out of your way.  I have no issue with seeing to your dogs at all.  I do not ask anything of you at all nor do I question you about where you are or what you are doing.  You have stated quite forcibly several times you don't want me there.  Until the point I find somewhere to live I will do my best to stay out of your way.  In the meantime I would appreciate it if you left me alone"

He left me be after that and I even got  morning when I came back.  Hopefully it will work.  Every time he contacts me it sets me off as I don't need it.

Whether it was right of wrong I don't know but I needed to set a boundary for my own sake.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 02, 2019, 06:56:33 AM
Good - youhave stated a boundary - now stick to it and should you have to repeat which I guarantee you will have to do - keep your words even fewer.

EG  " As you have requested, I am staying away whilst I search for my own place. I will only contact you in the case of an emergency. "

Simple, clear and actionable.

No need to mention the dogs again - look after your own and if he wants you to tend to his dogs then he has to ask you nicely.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 03, 2019, 07:12:58 AM
Thank you SAD.  Hes been civil since the text and hasn't bothered me since so fingers crossed.

A question for you and anyone that would like to give me your opinions.  Today he has once again, shared a memory of mine on facebook, a memory from 4 years ago when I took him skydiving for his birthday.  Why on earth would he share that?  Is it just part of the mindf&&&y?

I'm not reading anything into it just trying to get my head round it. 

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: One day at a time on July 03, 2019, 07:36:47 AM
I might be wrong but could be sign of confusion. I remember 2 situations where I saw something similar in my H
- We were separated but still living as roommates but he was due to move out soon. We were looking at the grass in the back garden and talking about a bold patch.. He said "We could dig it out, get better soil and reseed" My thought was WTF? WE? You are moving out!!! But I just nodded and changed the subject
- He had been living with his parents for 6 months and was due to move abroad in a few weeks but he was in my house helping up with an issue with the house alarm. The alarm engineer said I could change the part of the alarm system to resolve the issue and he immediately asked "How much will that cost?"  ??? I had already taken over all the house expenses so I really don't understand why he would even ask :-X

Personally, I would ignore it. And you will never get your head around it, no sane person would.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 03, 2019, 01:09:43 PM
Yep - it's part of the mindfog that they have.

Remember they re-write history and also memories of the past few years go into a blur. So he may just have simply not connected that you took him but that he did it. Does that make sense. 

Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.

You just have to leave them to it.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: FearNot on July 03, 2019, 02:52:31 PM
Hey Jacs,

Following along. There is nothing easy about this journey but you have been getting sound advice and putting it to use. That's a step in the right directions. Setting boundaries isn't easy so good for you for doing that!!

As for the fb memory, my first suggestion is to stop watching. I know it's hard. I was the queen of snooping initially. I wanted to know all I could about everything including the OW. It gave me a "sense" of control. "Knowing" what I was up against. When I finally gave it up and stopped watching the $h!te show. It gradually lost it's power over me and I was much better off. Secondly... like mentioned before he might not even realize that you were part of that memory. It really is crazy and they do totally rewrite history. My H absolutely had to have his cutting board. When I gave it to him he commented about how he was so glad to have it since his parents gave it to him. That's not where it came from, it was a Bday gift from me!?!?!? This item that he treasured so much but couldn't remember who actually gave it to him ???.

Hang in there! Also great advice on the 5HTP etc. For me L theanine was a supplement that really helped me with the emotions, tears, and anxiety!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 04, 2019, 03:34:03 AM
Yep - it's part of the mindfog that they have.

Remember they re-write history and also memories of the past few years go into a blur. So he may just have simply not connected that you took him but that he did it. Does that make sense. 

Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.

You just have to leave them to it.

No he definitely knows it was me, it pictures I took of us.  The memories he shared has my name written all over it.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Silver on July 04, 2019, 04:54:24 AM

Try not to follow his FB - it only serves to confuse and hurt.


jacs, I second what Song said. One of the best decisions I made was to unfriend XW in FB. She got mad about it but I calmly told her that it was for my own peace of mind.
It really did serve that purpose to me! If you don't want to completely remove him from you friends, just ignore him, still I'd suggest the 1st option.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Disillusioned on July 04, 2019, 06:38:07 AM
The first week I moved out, I completely shut down Facebook.  I used it heavily when we were still a family.  I've never missed it since turning it off.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 04, 2019, 12:03:54 PM
Really struggling today.  He's gone out with her. I just don't think I can do this
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on July 04, 2019, 01:44:13 PM
Oh Jacs I know, it’s horrible :(
Cry about it, you are only human to feel this way. Give yourself a hug like you would someone else going through this. What would you advise a good friend in this situation? Listen to yourself.

This is a fase in the MLC and she is only ‘important’ to him now, as he is in that fase.
She arrived in town just as he needed someone to distract him from dealing with his personal issues.
That’s all she is really. Could’ve been anyone. Please keep that in mind. Keep ignoring her.
Most people who engage in relationships like this are believed to have some issues themselves as well.
She seems to be quite naive and willingly, would you want a relationship based on this? With a man who treats a woman he loved, this way?

I know it hurts now, but you are more then that and probably meant more to him too before crisis!
He can’t reach true feelings at the moment.
For the time being, let her have this stranger in your man’s body.
You deserve a whole man. She’s temporary and might meet monster soon as well. When he realised she’s not the solution.

Please for your own happiness and mental health, detach.
So you won’t know when he is out or not, or what his next statement is.

It’s a hard time, you need to find a way to cope, it will pass one way or another.
Time will be on your side eventually.

I’ll be thinking off you, sending you strenght and lots of distraction.
Remember us supporting you. Be proud of how you managed to handle this situation so far.
You’ve gotten this far, you can do it step by step.
I found it amazing how you were able to control yourself when being monstered at. Much stronger then me in the first months. X

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: One day at a time on July 05, 2019, 06:21:24 AM
Jacs, I'm very very sorry.. When all of this is rubbed on our faces it makes it 100 times harder. I hope you can go and stay with family or friends for a few days. You need your space and as far away from him as you possibly can. It's heart breaking and we get it. Thinking of you - Big hugs
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 05, 2019, 12:21:16 PM
 Thank you all. I'd appreciate some prayers over the next week. I've spoken with my old landlord and a cottage right next door to my old house is coming free. The bummer is someone already has first refusal so I just have to hope and pray that they  don't want it. It would be perfect for me.  The landlord has told me if they don't want it's mine. Trying desperately not to get my hopes up but I really really need something to go right for me right now.  So all prayers would be welcome.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: FearNot on July 05, 2019, 01:07:56 PM
I'll be praying for you Jacs!
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on July 05, 2019, 02:02:39 PM
Sending good luck vibes to you Jacs
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Shockandawe on July 05, 2019, 02:08:34 PM
Keeping everything crossed Jacs
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: akjomsviking on July 05, 2019, 02:16:33 PM
Good luck and prayers Jacs!  I know it doesn't seem like it from where you're at right now but it really, truly does get better.  Detachment and getting your own place is most definitely the best thing for you to focus on right now.  I know, it's easier said than done.  I was terrified to do simple things like not respond to her (random and sporadic) texts right away, or just make enough dinner for me and our kids when I didn't know if she'd be home in time to eat with us.  Gradually it will seem more normal for you to do things on your own.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 06, 2019, 12:59:33 AM
Talk into existence...

Say every few minutes "I will find a place to live. I will be living in a place that will be perfect for me" 

I am not going to suggest that you talk that cottage into existence but visualise living there - how you will feel when there etc... Do this a lot and see what transpires.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on July 09, 2019, 12:28:20 PM
Jacs,

Keeping my fingers crossed that you will get the cottage and can have your own space. Do not look at his social media - better yet unfriend or block him so that you are not even tempted. He posted it because it was a fun memory and to him it's all in the past - do not read anything into it - he has no clue what he is doing.
And yes, you can get through this - trust me - if I could make it this far, so can you. First rule - do not think about him and her together. Ever. Whenever my thoughts would go that way I said the present date out loud because that was the only thing that mattered. July 9th - say it out loud when your thoughts wander. Today is all you have and it is all that you should focus on. It sounds silly but it worked.

You can do it - it hurts like hell, but you can survive it
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 12, 2019, 03:55:19 AM
So where to start.  I have royally screwed up ..... big time.  After reading Evermore's thread I have found my nerve to post here. 

On Saturday night I got back to the house just after midnight, I was going to stay at A & T but for some reason I decided to head back to the house.  He wasn't there.  So on a hunch I drove to her house, I know I know, and yes there he was.  Anyway long story short she came to the window saw me and sent him out.  He went mental, screaming at me, apparently he had taken her and her parents out for dinner and her parents were still there.  He grabbed me and threw me against my car.  I've been left with some fairly hefty bruising down my arms and back.  He came back to the house and I basically spilled everything.  Told him that he was a liar and a cheat, that he had been gaslighting me for years.  The EA's he had been having and making me believe it was somehow in my imagination.   How he had the nerve to be wining and dining her parents and he hadn't once asked how my mum was doing.  That the way he has been behaving is not normal and that he has been purposely messing with my head but no more.  He said some pretty nasty stuff but none of it true and none of it made any sense but he also admitted to the EA's in a roundabout kind of way and then backtracked.  He was still trying to lie his way out of everything.  Trouble is he cant seem to remember what he has  said and then contradicts himself.


I know I shouldn't of gone round, but I needed to know for definite.   Oddly I felt quite calm after it all.  I had to get it all off my chest after the texts earlier in the week.    I don't care if he remembers or not or if he believed anything of what I said.  Its out there now and I feel better for it.  I told him that I had had a breakdown, he wasn't in the slightest bit interested not that I expected him to be.  He is now not communicating with me at all, which frankly suits me.  I've been staying with A & T and only going back to the house to see to the horse and have a shower etc etc.  I try to avoid him at all costs.

She hasn't had the nerve to show her face in the pub since but I'm sure it will only be a matter of time.  But I plan on totally ignoring her.

So yes, total and utter mess.  I really am struggling to come to terms with the fact  that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has turned into this vile hateful thing, its subhuman.

No news on the cottage yet.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 12, 2019, 05:21:51 AM
We all stuff up royally - it's how we learn. Pity we have to learn this way but we do.

Ok - first of all - you need to consider pressing charges for assault.  I'm serious.  No person should ever lay their hands on another - EVER! 

I know you may not want to but he assaulted you Jacs. You may say you provoked him but he laid hands on you first!

Consider this seriously.

Yes everything that has happened will take time to process but perhaps now you can see how urgent your leaving has become.

That said -you were able to say your truth and to hit him with lots of 2x4s.  That in itself is cathartic but no more.

Keep away from him and seriously consider going to the police.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on July 12, 2019, 08:00:20 AM
Jacs,

It's ok - not ok that he layed his hands on you - but it's okay that you did what you did. You cannot undo it.
That's why everyone kept telling you to stay away - they a) don't care b) they lie and c) there's nothing but additional pain to be gained

He is not reachable Jacs - we think we can get through, but we cannot. All we can do is let them go and let them be.

Have you heard anything about the cottage ? You need to get your own place and I wouldn't go to the pub for a while just for your own sanity's sake.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: One day at a time on July 12, 2019, 08:18:13 AM
Jacs

I'm very sorry you had to go through that but your safety now is priority 1. No matter what you do, there's no justification for him to put his hands on you. I agree with the others, you should consider going to the police, avoid the pub and the house. If you happen to be there when he arrives, you don't know what can happen. I'm sure you will find it hard to believe he would do anything to you but he already did, he's not the man you know. I'm very sorry, I know how difficult to grasp this, I still struggle myself sometimes.

Can you shower at your friend's house? Can someone else look after the horse? You might see this as overreaction but it isn't. There's a few people here who have suffered DV and they always say things can get much worse. Please look after yourself.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on July 12, 2019, 10:37:13 AM
Jacs, I kinda did the same thing. You kinda know what’s going to happen, it will hurt you, but you just need to know. I had an unbearable strong urge to know the truth, to understand. But in the end I did learn it kept hurting me. God this is a hard time to go through.

I went past her house, saw his car there, totally filled with rage. Kept my phone at home so I wouldn’t call him anymore. But I drove home way too fast. Took my phone and started texting him I knew. A few days before he asked me to give him the chance to fix this. I was so pumped. He fled away from her house and was back at the place he was staying. I found him there looking at his phone in his car. He stepped out en pushed me. Everything fell out of my purse, we were screaming and fighting on the street. Someone yelled from a window to ask whether I was OK. It was horrible :( He kinda apologised the next day for pushing me and said how it hurt him that we couldn’t be a throuple, really!

I write this, Jacs, so you know most of us do these things. We are only human and the pain and emotions roar through our bodies. But you are doing good reading as much as possible. MLC is not a simple story. Try to forgive yourself and find as much peace as possible. Find a way to cope that is less focussed on him. You need it to process. And he needs to learn on his own he is behaving like an @$$hole.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Treasur on July 12, 2019, 11:29:54 AM
Please treat his violence and your safety seriously.
There are too many stories of people getting hurt or killed bc they don't.
No matter how you feel, you need to treat him as a violent man now bc that is reality. Go to the police, get advice from a DV group on your options and prioritise your physical safety above anything else. Tell your friends. Do not go back to the house unaccompanied under any circumstances.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Loyal on July 13, 2019, 02:23:51 AM
Jacs

I'm very sorry you had to go through that but your safety now is priority 1. No matter what you do, there's no justification for him to put his hands on you. I agree with the others, you should consider going to the police, avoid the pub and the house. If you happen to be there when he arrives, you don't know what can happen. I'm sure you will find it hard to believe he would do anything to you but he already did, he's not the man you know. I'm very sorry, I know how difficult to grasp this, I still struggle myself sometimes.

Can you shower at your friend's house? Can someone else look after the horse? You might see this as overreaction but it isn't. There's a few people here who have suffered DV and they always say things can get much worse. Please look after yourself.
THIS!

Jacs, I`ve just read through your posts and to be honest, am extremely worried for your safety and that of your pets and not without reason. I`m one of the people on here whose MLCer was not only extremely cruel in every aspect of the word but also attacked me physically, not to mention threatened to either kill me himself or get somebody else to do it for him.

The biggest mistake I`ve probably "ever made" and "deeply regret", was ignoring the not only well meant but clever advice from people here on HS, friends & family in RL (incl. one friend who`s a policewoman) and the young doctor and nurse doctor at the hospital who photographed and documented the bruises and cuts which he inflicted on me.

I don`t want to frighten you but please keep in mind that your H has a shotgun and sadly to say, I`m 100% certain that if my MLCer had had one to hand, he wouldn`t have hesitated for one single second to use it against me during one of his, in his own words psychotic episodes.

Not only did he abuse me both mentally and physically whilst he was still living at home (CB), he`s still doing his utmost best to keep his promise, that he`ll only be happy when he sees me in the gutter and although he`s been gone since April 2017, he still ignores all my regular attempts to get him to sign either the document that would let him out of the lease, which btw., he himself requested from the house management back in November 2017!), the document giving his permission that I can sublet one of the rooms, let alone pay anything towards the rent.

It might seem exaggerated but speaking from experience, it`s vital that you remove all your valuables, documents, etc. from the house before he  gets his hands on them, which he may well be planning to do, as in my case >:( :'(

It`s extremely hard but please try to keep reminding yourself that this cruel, abusive Monster you`re dealing with is definitely NOT your H, no matter how much he resembles him from the outside, who is capable of doing things that you would never have imagined.






 

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 15, 2019, 06:39:09 AM
Its been an odd week.  Very quiet.  I've taken on board what everyone has said about the police and for the moment I am not going to poke the monster.  Photos have been taken should I need them.

I have been struggling to find myself, all the things I used to love to do, ride my horse, walk my dogs are all very solitary things and I've discovered that being alone is terrifying for me at at the moment.  Its a very strange feeling, I've always enjoyed my own company, I have lived on my own for years.   Being alone with my thoughts is not good for me right now, I start monkey braining and frankly its exhausting.  What is worrying me is that at some point I have got to deal with it.  My friends A & T have been absolute life savers and they are happy for me to sit with them night after night, not necessarily talking or doing anything more interesting than watching TV, but at some point I have got to be OK with being on my own again.  I made myself ride my horse at the weekend, the first time I have done so in weeks.  I didn't enjoy it.  Whilst it helped relieve some of the guilt I have been feeling for not spending time with her like shes used too, I didn't actually enjoy the ride.  This used to bring me so much joy and I'm terrified that I will never feel that joy again.

All my life I have been a strong person, who just got up and dealt with things and this awful mess has just floored me.  I have seen bits of the old me stick her head above the parapit in the last week, in fact a friend also commented that I appeared to be getting stronger.  But I don't FEEL it.  I feel old and used up.  I feel drained.

I've removed him from snapchat as that was the only way he was communicating with me and everytime my phone pinged I would start to panic. 

The only real development in the situation is he has only been to the pub once since "caughtyoutgate" and I was there sat with all our friends outside.  He went inside and stayed there on his own, when he left he spoke to friends for a few minutes and then left.  Schlong (new name for OW - its a joke about her in the pub)hasn't been seen at all.

Anyway on Friday night the landlady received a text from him  "There are two sides to every story.  I wont be coming in again. Sorry."     I have not hidden the bruising.  I have not been shouting it from the rooftops but if someone has asked  I've told them.  Its a small village, everyone knows everyone.  They all know whats happening.  The neighbours of schlong  heard most of "caughtyououtgate".  Hes seen the bruising himself over the week.   Perhaps he is feeling some remorse, although I doubt it.     I believe he is now hiding low as his reputation is shattering around his ears.   I don't believe he will follow through with it of course.  I don't believe a word he says.  But I think its interesting that he seems to be cutting himself off from his social circle.  And it would be nice to think I have a reprieve from having my face rubbed in it if only for a little while.

The stable remains where it was, we have passed his cut off date for that and its not been mentioned.  Hes probably forgotten what he said. 

In the meantime he has not spoken to me at all.   This works for me.  I find myself in a state of panic if I have to face any sort of interaction with him.

Still no word on the cottage - unfortunately I think I would of heard by now if I had got it.  I think the landlord may of forgotten to let me know.  I don't want to pester him so I will give it another couple of days and send him a message.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 15, 2019, 10:24:16 AM
No - do a friendly "Hey just wondering what the status re the cottage is - any news?"

if you know him then you can keep it that light.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 16, 2019, 02:12:40 AM
The cottage is a no.  Gutted
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on July 16, 2019, 04:29:58 AM
Gutted for you. I always think though that when one door closes another opens when you least expect it and that is the door to go through.

Every no will always bring you closer to a yes.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on July 19, 2019, 01:34:01 AM
So that didn't last long! As I expected he has turned back up at the pub - less than a week since he texted the landlady that he wouldn't be coming in again.  Seriously what 53 year old man does things like that???  Its just bizarre.  Anyway seeing him in the pub gave me chance to look at him - he looks dreadful, he seems to have aged 10 years in 10 weeks. 

He's not doing the long walks anymore, and seems to be taking a lot of pain killers, most unusual for him he wont even take a tablet for a headache, so I suspect his knees are giving him some grief.  So much for feeling young again!

I'm spending most of my time at A & T, thank god for good friends and only returning to the house when absolutely necessary.   He is completely blanking me still, which is a damn sight better than the monster so I am thankful for that.

No joy on the housing front still which is becoming so disheartening.  I'm tired of having no where to call home. 

 


Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Penelope2018 on July 20, 2019, 08:11:40 PM
They have no shame (or little of it) Jac. What I've seen from my own xh is that he feels shame for a very brief period of time and then ices over (I guess that is what people call the fog). So it's natural for him to be at the pub. Likely everyone is looking at him like he's a monster and a fool but he can't see it or hell, he may even think they're jealous! As far him assaulting you, I really wish you'd go to the cops but that is your business. I know you don't have anywhere to go right now and that likely plays a big part in it but please find somewhere. You are threatening his fantasy and are in dangerous territory. Having read up on a lot of stories recently with husbands murdering their wives and seemingly always having an OW in the background, I'd say be extremely careful around this guy. He has shown he has no qualms HURTING you in public. Which means he can absolutely do it in private.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on August 12, 2019, 08:23:27 AM
Its been a while and nothing much has changed.  Still no where to live :( and he is still completely blanking me.   Im having a rough week - a couple of things have triggered me and I'm struggling to find any motivation.

I've discovered hes bought a car - not a new car but the really odd thing is he is hiding it from me.  He has it parked in a friends unit.  Why bother hiding it - I don't care.  Just proves to me that over the 18 months when I didn't feel I could do anything right and he stated that we had too many vehicles (I had two cars at the time) so I sold them just to keep the peace and now hes bought yet another car (so that two trucks and a van plus 2 motorbikes not to mention the tractors) really does prove that it wasn't me at all.    Just seems odd.

Another very odd thing - he picked his cousins g/f up from the air port the other day - I guessed she was staying overnight because for the first time in 8 years he actually did some cleaning.  Anyway the day he picked her up our very good friend was having a 60 birthday bash at his house, we were both invited, he declined.  He telephone said very good friend and asked if she had a hair dryer he could borrow for said house guest - WTF - there is a hair dryer in the bed room, yes its mine but I would ever have known!  Anyway she didnt so he went to town and bought her one!!  Friend pointed out that he probably didnt want to use it as it is personal - errrr he has quite happy for her to sleep in my bed and sit on my sofa watching my tv but didnt want her to use my hairdryer.  Jeez if he had of asked I would of said no problem but seeing as he will not talk to me full stop I guess that's kind of difficult.

Theres been loads of little things like this that just make me think what the ???  Its beyond bizarre.  I cannot get my head around it as hard as I try.

I've found evidence that the affair was going on for far longer than he told me - even when he tried to deny it a few weeks ago.   He's done nothing but lie though his teeth to me and his friends.  Although this isnt that new infomation it really has knocked me for six.

They came in the pub the weekend before last with some of her family - she looked over at me and grinned at me.  Good god I wanted to kill her.  I did nothing just carried on laughing with my friends but it took some doing.  The following day she was in again with just her brother - sat down the bottom ( all the regulars hang out in the top room) , wouldnt look at anyone and left after 5 minutes.  Not so brave when she isnt surrounded by her family I guess.  Been no sign of either of them in the pub this week.  I'm guessing hes starting to realize everyone thinks hes a jerk.  But I dont expect the luxury of him not being there to last for long unfortunately.  Neither of them have the decency in them to stay away for long - they want me out and they carry on trying to do it.

I'm struggling with a few things.  I desperately want to be able to stop the monkey braining - I just cant figure out how.  I also have this burning desire to confront him with the evidence  so that he knows that I know hes a liar.  But whats the point.  It wont alter things will it and will probably mess up my head again.

I find it so hurtful that people think hes this wonderful guy but the reality is he has been gaslighting and abusing me for years.    I almost want to shout it from the roof tops - here look this is what hes done - not so great after all.  I dont understand why I feel like this and frankly I am ashamed for feeling like this.  I should be acting with grace and dignity.   It makes me feel sick imaging what excuses and lies hes telling people about me to excuse his behaviour.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on August 12, 2019, 12:15:04 PM
Good to hear from you Jacs….
I hate that you still haven't found a place to live, just keep on looking.
He might be trying to hide the car thinking if you don't know about it he wouldn't have to share 1/2 in any financial settlement - but that is just a guess on my part.

How to stop the monkey braining - well, different things work for different people. For me, personally, it took time and an effort to redirect my thoughts when I would start thinking obsessively. I recited the Lords Prayer - on other days I would just repeat todays date as that is the only day we have any control over at the time. You can read up on all the topics on this site or Hearts Blessings to get an understanding of MLC. There are podcasts and You tube videos on how to let go. In the end, I think, it mainly takes time. Time to realize that monkey braining doesn't change anything other than you wasting your time and emotions on something you cannot change.

Don't waste your time confronting him about whatever evidence you may have. It doesn't matter and he doesn't care. I know we just want them to admit that they lied, but you already know he lied and that's enough. You also cannot control what other people think about him or you, so don't worry about it. I know, sometime's easier said than done, but that is where you need to work on you rather than wasting time on him.

A lot of us had codependency issues or child hood traumas that we never fully healed from and they come back to bite us in the rear now. Learn to focus on you, what you need to be happy, what you need to love yourself. Have long talks with your horse as you ride across country (and know that i am incredibly jealous).

You will be okay - it doesn't feel like it now, but you will be okay. Trust that.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Yellowroseoftexas on August 12, 2019, 05:53:52 PM
Hello Jacs.  Reading your story is bittersweet. It takes me back to September 2014, my BD date.  I'm glad you found us but HATE that you're here.

After 5 years I finally stopped the obsessed thinking, for the most part.  I imagine a room with husband in it (no the room is NOT on fire). Whenever I start overly focusing on husband I imagine myself closing the door and walking away. It helps me to move past the monkey branching.  I'm also a Christian and my focus is on MY relationship with Christ. But I do want God to 'get him'.  These prodigals should be glad I'm not God cause I would smite thee all.

Time is your friend.  I also think when you get your own place which will create distance you can get your emotional bearing. Whenever I doubt if my sweetie is having a mid life crisis I come here and read the post.  They're all the same with variations of crazy. 

My husband and I have reconnected.  Not sure where we headed but i see husband peeking out.  Read my thread, a mid life crisis Facebook friend was able to give me an inside look. 

Following along friend. 
   

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on August 19, 2019, 02:21:32 PM
Thank you shartz and yrt.

i dont have time or the emotional capabiity to go into a proper reply right now.  Nor do I have the energy.  i will  I promise and I apologise if i sound rude.

14 days ago I heard that a good friend and work colleague that I have know for 30 yeears, since I was 17 (he was 52) had died suddenly in his sleep.  Today I learnt that our boss since I was 16 (he was 62) has also died suddenly in his sleep.  12 days later.  WTF.  He wasnt just my boss, he used to call me his daughter that he never had or his second wife depending on how bloody minded I was being.  We started our own company 15 years ago, after working for another business together for years with the other friend that has also  just died.  We all left that business 2 years ago but were obviously in touch.   My parents considered M (x boss) as my second father.

Im not sure why Im telling you all this other than the fact that the only other person I would normally talk to  about this has totally abondoned me.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on August 19, 2019, 10:17:04 PM
Just saw your post.
Don’t have a lot of time right now to answer thorougly either.
But I feel for you.


I am so sorry for theany losses from closed and trusted people.
Please allow yourself to mourn, it’s only normal you are feeling extremely down.

But know you are strong and will get through.
Think about what your boss would ve wanted you to do.
Take care of yourself.
Keep eating, drinking, sleeping and try to find things that give you a break from all this tumoil.
However small.

Write whatver you want here.
To me the story you just told seems very relevant.

Thinking about you and whisihing you all the strenght you need.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on September 20, 2019, 02:55:42 AM
Its been a while.  Ive been so busy I haven't has time to update.  A lot has happened but then nothing has happened.

In the most part my MLCer totally blanks me unless he is monstering at me over something and nothing.  Keys he has misplaced, so I must of stolen them.     The last time was a hoover attachment that he appears to have lost and seems to think I have stolen.  Honestly you cant make this stuff. 

He  monstered at me last week, not sure why, only that I was humming to myself whilst seeing to my horse,  that he is changing all the locks at the end of the month so I've been left with no choice to get my stuff out.  The last week has been a bit of a nightmare.    I had been staying at friends every night now for a few weeks now and only going back to the house to see to the horse.  when I got back the following day he had left me a letter, obviously not written by him telling me to get out basically.

So I have had to pack everything up,  find a storage unit for my things, somewhere to keep the horse and have taken over my friends spare bedroom and garage with my personal stuff.

The movers are coming in on Tuesday to take my stuff into storage.  Just the horse to move in the next week and a few loose ends to tidy up and then I will be done.

Its just all be so stressful and he is being absolutely hateful.  Not once offering to help with anything.  He would rather watch me struggle with a heavy box than offer any sort of help.

I don't know my backside from my elbow at the moment and am feeling a complete and utter failure.  Approaching fifty with zero to show for it.


Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on September 20, 2019, 08:16:03 AM
I am sorry Jacs that he is doing that to you. Be prepared that he is just setting a date on getting you moved out so that OW can move in. Not saying she will, just saying prepare yourself for that. I am glad you can stay with friends for now and I do hope you will be able to find a place for the horse and a place of your own so you can truly start detaching and healing.
None of this si easy and it looks like you have a rough few weeks ahead of you, but focus on you and your horse and stay strong - we are always here to listen and support.
You will be okay.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on September 23, 2019, 04:30:58 AM
Jacs - I am sorry that you are facing the stress of moving and all that goes with that but look at it this way - you will be removed from the monster. He has no reason to contact you and you him. That way you will begin to heal and see this cruel MLC for what it is and also see that none of this has been your doing.

Think also that if he does move OW in - who is he going to monster at?  He won't stop monstering just because he has the situation he thinks he wants - nope indeedy!  And you are gone - so he cannot blame you anymore.

You have your horse, good friends and now the freedom to take your life where it has to go for your well being. Your feeling of nothing to show for your life will dissipate - your MLCer has taken any feelgood feeling from you and now it's time to restore it and start hatching out a new and better life. 
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on November 11, 2019, 02:42:35 AM
Just when you think things cant get much worse... I've been thrown out of my home, and at nearly 50 years old I'm living in a friends spare room, my world has totally disintegrated.    Meanwhile he is still totally blanking me but trying to destroy anything that's left of my life.   And if all that wasn't bad enough, after a short illness my mother has died suddenly.  My father is falling apart and I'm left to deal with everything on my own.  The man who should of supported me and held my hand when my mother died like I did for him cant even by bothered to offer his condolences.  He sat not one meter from me in the pub and didn't even acknowledge my existence, and all the time she just stood and glared at me.    He knew, he had been told but choose to make  me feel even worse than I already did.

Honestly, I just want to chuck the towel in.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on November 11, 2019, 08:51:46 AM
Jacs - I am so sorry to hear of your mother's death - that is so stressful and difficult for you on top of everything else.

I am not in the least surprised to hear about your MLCer's total lack of compassion but it does beg the question why are you still in such close proximity with him?   I know you are living at a friend's house at the moment but can you not socialise elsewhere?

To see him so often especially at a time of grieving does your healing and recovery no good at all.

And no at 50 it's not the life you ever thought it would be - none of us did. Have you been able to find work and a source of income anywhere yet?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on November 11, 2019, 02:49:17 PM
Jacs, I am sorry to hear about your mothers sudden death. This is a hard thing to handle on its own.
As far as it’s possible in these circumstances, remember to tell yourself how strong you are.
And you do not deserve to be treated this way, so try to not let it get to you.
He might regret it one day anyway, so focus on yourself and people around you that do support you and need you right now. Only you and they matter at the moment.

I’d also get away from his presence for a while, for yourself. You can reclaim your territory later.
Don’t do jt out of anger or sadness, but because the distance  might give you te change to get back on your feet. And as long as he is like this..
I do understand you might be going to that cafe to show how strong you are. Which IS impressive. But at the moment it doesn’t sound healthy to be confronted with.

Again my condolences.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on November 11, 2019, 03:15:51 PM
My mums funeral is tomorrow. I'm falling apart but I have to get through it for my dad. I give it a best six months before I'm doing this again.  He doesn't want to stay in their house so once tomorrow is done I have to pack him up and deal with my mums stuff. He wants to be out by the end of the month. I don't think I can do this.  Help. I'm falling apart
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Father5 on November 11, 2019, 03:25:46 PM
Take time to breath Jacs ! You have a lot going on and I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Please take a moment for yourself. We are all here for you. Keep reaching out and other more knowledgeable people will be along to help you shortly.
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Songanddance on November 11, 2019, 04:02:04 PM
Ok Jacs - five minutes at a time.

What can you do in the next five minutes?  Done that - what can you do in the next 5 minutes. 
They do not need to be big things - something as simple as making a coffee or tea - but allow yourself to live in the present rather than planning ahead.

Can you stay with your dad for a while so that you can take your time to pack the stuff up?  Trust me he may say that this is what he wants to do but he is probably in shock and grieving deeply and so his reactions are intense rather than calm and thought through.

Packing up a house after parental death takes time and you must allow yourself this and allow yourself to grieve too.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Seahorse on November 11, 2019, 04:23:46 PM
Jacs - So sorry that you're gong through so much.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and that you have no support from you H.
Take time for yourself, as everyone has said.
Spend that special time with your father.

Time to heal..

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Schratz66 on November 13, 2019, 11:07:49 AM
Jacs, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother.
Since your dad does not want to stay at his house any more, have you thought about maybe sharing a place with him for a while until you get back on your feet ?
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: jacs on November 14, 2019, 03:20:47 AM
Thank you everyone for the kind thoughts.  It was an incredibly difficult day made a million times worse by MLCer thinking it was acceptable to turn up at the church.  Honestly, I didn't see that one coming.  I managed to remain calm and simply told him he was not welcome, thankfully after being told twice he left.  Fortunatley he did not see my legs crumble  or the uncontrollable shaking that hit me as he walked away.  How on earth he thought that was an acceptable thing to do is totally beyond me.  He did not consider how my dad my son or the rest of my family would have felt about him being there let alone the effect on me.  Pure selfishness to the core.  He didn't do that to show me any sort of support, if he had wanted to show me any empathy he had plenty of time to do so before the funeral.

He has moved OW in.  No surprises there.

Schratz dad has made the decision to move into sheltered accommodation.  Its the right decision for him and he is very excited about it.  He just wants to be out of the house - he struggles with the stairs anyway and the memories are eating him up I guess.  So its all go.  Time to start packing up the house and getting him settled.

Its not hit me yet - I know that - it will but it will have to wait until I get my dad sorted.

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Limboland2018 on November 16, 2019, 05:27:43 AM
Jacs

I’ve just read your story. My heart goes out to you. When I read about your life since BD, I felt your pain and agony. I am so sorry about your mum. Words cannot say enough. Life is short and your ex doesn’t deserve to be part of your life. You may not feel that at the moment (in your heart) but in your head you know it. You told him to leave - twice. You know he is not worthy.  Let him go.


Sending you my love - limbo

Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: FearNot on November 19, 2019, 02:37:09 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Good on you for keeping your composure under such intense circumstances and holding your ground. Hang in there and don't forget to take care of you!!! It's very easy to put yourself on the back burner when dealing with so much.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: Is this a midlife crisis or depression or are we are really over
Post by: Essential on December 14, 2019, 03:09:07 PM
How are you doing Jacs?