Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Father5 on April 25, 2019, 01:06:10 PM

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 25, 2019, 01:06:10 PM
     Hello Everyone,

   I have been reading on here for a while now and decided to post. My wife and I have only been married for five years but together for twelve. We have two kids B9 D8 and I have helped raise three step kids.

  I noticed my wife acting strangely around January of 18. She said we needed to talk (BD#1) so I asked her if she was thinking of divorcing me and she acted like I was crazy for thinking it. I was working to much and she wasn't able to give me what I needed etc etc. So I made changes and started to work less.  After that I really fell into a depression and I assumed it was me. I mean, we were looking at buying a house together then I traded my car in for a new one for her. But I kept feeling like something was off with us.

  I then started to blame myself I thought I was going crazy. That this was all in my head and I might need help, Maybe I was Bi Polar ( my sister is). I cried on my way to work everyday I couldn't figure out what was going on. We had always been so good together. I was also working about 90 hard hrs a week at the time so I was exhausted.


  Then she sent me a text that she wanted a change (BD#2) and that I was the best friend and best husband a woman could ever ask for but she didn't want to be married anymore. Needless to say I was crushed. I went to talk with a lawyer the next day and had papers drawn up but she didn't want to sign. Then I was on the couch three days after BD and noticed she was filling out some paper work and asked what she was doing. She told me she was making an appointment to have her tubes tied.  I have a vasectomy so I was pretty upset at the thoughtless act. She assured me that even if she decided to change her mind and stay with me that she is always worried about getting pregnant still. We were still having sex regularly afterwords so I assumed we could work all of this out. We were still doing activities together and having a normal relationship.

   I decided to make a change at work as I realized my hours weren't going to get any better unless I made a change. I decided to move the family back to the mainland. I left three weeks before my wife and kids came out. we were supposed to live together until we got on our feet. We still haven't told the kids what was going on. During that time she met someone and had sex with him. When she moved out with the kids she told me about the affair, that was Nov. 27th.

   I did everything wrong after that I called her horrible names , begged, pleaded and cried and had no self respect. I broke a chair in the house during our argument and basically acted like a child. Then three days after she told me about the affair she flew back out to see him. That's when another fight ensued as I have been treated like dog Sh1te stuck on the bottom of her shoe.

 I have been N/C accept for anything about the kids which we text about. Other than that I don't see or hear from her at all.  I have celebrated X-mas , Easter and my daughters B-day without her. All of things I have mentioned are way out of character for her. I do miss and love her but I understand there isn't anything I can do for her. I do wonder of this was an exit affair as I have decided to stand. But don't want to throw my life away either.
 

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Mortesbride on April 25, 2019, 01:24:50 PM
Well from this and what you wrote on the other thread... I don't think it is an exit affair.

I am not an expert but, you sensed things were off for ages...she had already told you things weren't working out and there was a disconnect. My money is she was already having this affair even if it was just emotional. She then decided to have her tubes tied because she already has 5 kids and doesn't want to get knocked up if she is sleeping around. She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Anjae on April 25, 2019, 02:13:19 PM
Hello and welcome, Father5.

From what you wrote, it seems more MLC than an exit affair.

Morte pointed to relevant points:

She wouldn't have needed to tie her tubes if she was staying with you since you have had a vasectomy..unless she KNEW she would be having sex with someone who might NOT be.

She didn't consult you before hand about tie her tubes, which would have be a normal thing to do. You have a vasectomy, so, like Mort says, if she was going to stay with you, she does not need her tubes tied.

And the whole ''I want a divorce'' followed by NOT signing the papers screams MLCer to me.

If it was an exit affair, she would have signed straight away.

This is, I think, even more telling. A person having an exit affair would sign the pappers right away. MLCers tend to say they want a divorce, then don't sign the papers and just drag things.

You are already NC aside from kids related things and wife has left. Keep focusing on yourself and kids is all you can do.

Beg, plead and cry isn't great, but many of us done it early on. You have learned not to keep doing. As for the fights and breaking a chair. Not good, but it happened. What is done is done and you know it was wrong. Don't keep beating yourself about it, rather, work on bettering yourself.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: sachat3 on April 25, 2019, 02:41:47 PM
Welcome. Your BD is only a few months after mine so I can’t ofger much in a way of help really because it’s relatively new to me. However I don’t think it’s exit affair either.

Hugs
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: megogirl on April 25, 2019, 05:56:14 PM
No way it's an exit affair....it's a full-blown MLC (her cycling emotions confirm that!)
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Whyus on April 26, 2019, 03:53:18 AM
F5, sorry that your here mate.
Seems like MLC to me but it doesnt really matter as such. What your Feeling is the same either way. You have to look out for Nr1 now (thats you btw), your W is off in lalaland and there is nothing that you can do to Change that.
WE ALL made lots of mistakes, we are humans, thats what we do best. We just have to learn from them and from others mistakes too by reading other threads.
I made another massive mistake just 2 days ago after being "fine" for a Long time. OK, it WAS a really $h!tety Situation and it involved one of my children but still, I should have known better.

Im just saying, dont beat yourself up about mistakes, they happen and most probably make no difference to the Outcome whatsoever.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: OldPilot on April 26, 2019, 04:01:22 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 26, 2019, 05:28:53 AM
Welcome to the party to which NO ONE EVER wanted an invitation....

Based on what you have written so far, I would side with an MLC as well... However, I agree with Morte that the affair was already in progress long before you moved to the Mainland... Sorry to be so blunt but the disconnect, the whole "Things need to change" etc., reeks of something already in place... She wasn't going to jump ship until she had someplace to go....

Read the articles that Old Pilot refers to in his signature and opening note. They will give you a wealth of info ...

Question : Are your kids with you now? If not, you might need to be VERY watchful because MLCérs are not exactly praised for their ability to be responsible...

Second question is whether or not you have made any moves to financially protect/separate yourself from your Mid-Lifer.... There is less water going over Niagara Falls and at a slower rate than a Mid-Lifer burning through cash....  Make suure you are isolated from any nonsense that may occur and make sure that your kids are protected as well...
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on April 26, 2019, 06:01:22 AM
Actually I think another sign of MLCness is that YOU started to question your own sanity...

It becomes clearer with time tbh. Either way right now, you are where you are and all you can do is protect yourself, be a decent parent and focus on your own path forward the best you can. I found that, over time, what made it obviously not a 'normal' situation was that my h's behaviour got more loopy and extreme as time went by even though I was not standing in the way of his divorce and had very little contact with him. It became obvious that it was simply impossible to have a calm rational conversation with him about anything at all....and it wasn't my crazy so logically he was 'off' in some way.

Agree wiih all the sensible advice here about priorities. I'm glad that you have some family support.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 26, 2019, 07:36:22 AM
  Thank you all for your replies!

  I have the kids 50% of the time. At first she seemed like she wanted tot totally check out from being a parent. But she has seemed to come around more the last few months, helping out at school etc. I did have a scare a few months back about her taking the kids back to the islands as we aren't state citizens unit May 8th. But that has subsided for now but I do have a few weeks to go. She did have a serious conversation with my kids about this.

  All of our finances are protected, we are totally separate on this already which is good. She has already been on about 6 trips already since moving here in Nov. I am not sure where she is getting the money !
 
  I have really started to get on with my life I play a lot of tennis, surf and do yoga. I also play on a softball team which has been great for making friends. I spend most of my time with the kids on my days. The kids seem to be handling it okay. They don't talk about it to much or ask any questions. I just make sure they know they are loved and that I am a safe place to talk. I never talk about their mother in a negative light to them. I really never bring her up to them at all.

  I have noticed that I am feeling much stronger as of late. I went a few weeks with feeling just amazing and really felt like I was getting back to my old self. Then this last week I felt a cycle of anger. I prayed and meditated on it and I seem to be getting past it now. I cycled 24/7 in the beginning then a few days a week then a few hours etc etc. This last cycle was different. I went weeks with feeling almost as good as I have ever felt in a long time. Then my cycle also lasted about a week and was a little more intense. But i'm happy with my good days as they are seeming really good !
 

  Thank you all again for the advice ! keep it coming !
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Jackolar12 on April 26, 2019, 08:03:45 AM
Hi FO5, sorry for your situation it’s a long haul for sure. Do you think she’s peri menopausal and her hormones might be influencing her behaviours.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 26, 2019, 08:28:36 AM
   HI Jack,

She's only 44 so unlikely but possible I guess.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Jackolar12 on April 28, 2019, 11:32:33 PM
Hi F5, that’s the age when my Mlcer first started to act up, she finally blew her gasket at 49. The peri menopause can last for many years and can totally change a persons outlook on life. It might be a good idea to do a bit of research in this area to get an understanding of how destructive the peri menopause can be.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 29, 2019, 12:59:10 AM
   HI Jack,

She's only 44 so unlikely but possible I guess.

Uhhhhhhhh...... Not even unlikely in today's environment.....

STBXW started with perimenopausal symptoms at age 43, 2 years after D8 was born..... Something to consider but, there is STILL nothing that you can do if she won't seek medical help or ask about the possibility...
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on May 06, 2019, 07:58:43 AM
Hi Everyone,

I am wondering about what to do for Mother's day next week. Do I get a gift from the kids do I give her a life without me in it ? What should I do
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on May 06, 2019, 10:32:51 AM
Just noticed your story, F5. So sorry you're here.

My W was 43 at bomb drop 3 years ago, and 44 is not that early at all. I agree with those that say it doesn't sound like your W had an exit affair. Sounds like MLC or something related to me. But I don't know if we'll really know what happened until we can look back on it in the distant future.

Sorry, but you may been in for a long haul if your marriage survives this intact. So buckle up and take care of yourself.

Congrats on working on your own life. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of the right things. Don't beat yourself up over anything you did wrong early on. You suffered a horrible trauma. Treat yourself like you would treat a buddy who got run over by a truck. Because you were run over by a truck. Nobody is prepared for what you went though. You couldn't be.

As for Mother's Day. I assume your kids still need help buying their Mom gifts and such. I would treat it like Mother's Days in the past. As for your gift, I would recommend something nice but not too romantic or sentimental.  Anything romantic might feel like pressure to her. Even though she's a mess, she's still the mother of your kids, so I think you have to acknowledge that. Just my 2 cents. Others may have better ideas.

Again, sorry you're here but I'm glad you found us. Take care of yourself and your kids. My situation got better when I quit worrying so much about whether the marriage would survive and started thinking more about how I would survive my marriage.

Be good to yourself.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on May 06, 2019, 11:08:55 AM
  Thank you PJ,

That helps a lot. I get it I do I just know at the moment she has asked for a life without me in it. So I wonder sometimes if I am doing the right things.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on May 06, 2019, 11:58:50 AM
Is that what YOU want? Is that what's best for the kids?

I can't answer that for you, but keep in mind that she's obviously not in her right mind right now. She will cycle like crazy.

I would also refer you to this from OldPilot's introduction letter.
Quote
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on May 06, 2019, 01:16:04 PM
Ultimately it's whats bets for the kids.

They are concern and my focus right now.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Disillusioned on May 06, 2019, 01:42:31 PM
For what it's worth:  I would only get her something from the kids. 

I took D8 to Target the other day, kept a budget of $50.00, and asked her what she wanted to get Mommy for Mother's Day.  A blouse, a candle, a card, a mug and her favorite candy.  Done.  Nothing from me.

After BD, I continued to ply her with gifts on the requisite occasions.  They were rarely acknowledged.  It was dismissive and some MLC vets might say that it was actually something she would feel pressure from.  This year:  nothing from me for Christmas.  No mention of our anniversary.  Nothing from me for Mother's Day.  Nothing for her birthday.  Anything that would normally have gifts exchanged by D8 I honor by setting a budget and letting her choose.

That's just my 2 cents.  Your mileage may vary.



 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: sachat3 on May 08, 2019, 02:10:27 AM
For me personally
I do gifts from the kids and it’s usually a sentimental gift. So this year for Father’s Day I’ll be getting him hand made cards from D7 D5 and I’ll buy D2 one. Then his “gift” is a picture of all three of them in matching outfits (it’s a lovely pic) and I’m going to frame it or get it put on a phone case for him or something like that. 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on June 19, 2019, 08:46:24 AM
HI everyone,

   It's been a while since I have written. I haven't had much of anything going on in MLC land. I had my first face to face with my wife at my SD graduation and I did great. Much better than I thought I would for sure. It did send me spinning for a few days but ultimately I pulled it off with a genuine smile on my face.

  I have had a lot of contact with the step kids over the last few days. They all seem to realize there mom has a problem internally. I try not to talk about it with them but it does get brought up briefly about being friends.

  My response was I can't be friends until she realizes what she did was not okay. I feel that if I am friends that it sends the wrong signal. Ultimately I do miss my friend, she was my best friend.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: DaybyDay1 on June 22, 2019, 11:08:56 PM
I get what you mean about missing your friend, that's been the hardest part for me to accept.  It does sound like you've done a great job at making a life for yourself.  You're out there meeting new people and staying busy.  Most importantly, your kids are your priority.  That is what really matters.  Keep taking care of yourself!  Sadly, this does seem to be a very long journey for all of us so just keep doing what you are doing!!
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on July 10, 2019, 06:57:48 AM
     HI everyone,

  I wanted to hear your advice. My IC finally let me talk about what I think is going on with my wife. I am convinced it's an MLC but my I/C seemed to think she should get her hormones checked. Should I bring the subject up ? Should I have someone else ?
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: believe on July 12, 2019, 03:34:31 AM
Hi Father5, That would likely not go down well. Be seen as trying to "fix" her.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on July 12, 2019, 09:13:38 AM
Yes I agree that's the thought I was leaning towards ! It's her circus her monkeys.
She did send me a text yesterday for the first time with her and the kids at the park.
This is the only nice text we have had that wasn't about kids or finances. When I say kids I mean the business side of the kids.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on July 12, 2019, 10:08:44 AM
 I’m not sure what country you are in, but where I live any debt she gets into is your responsibility as well in a divorce.  So if you have not done so already, I recommend some sort of separation agreement saying you are each responsible for your own debt, and which debt is shared etc.  Once we signed ours I had so much more peace about h spending, if he is.  In your case it seems like hormones could also play a part with w.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 11, 2019, 09:05:58 AM
 HI Everyone,

That I would journal a bit.

  My W has reached out to my Uncle who lives with my parents about seeing our dog before she passes. My dog is really old an my mom took her when we moved off the mainland.

 My mom called me to ask what my thoughts where and I told her it's her decision. My mom was a little offended that she didn't ask about her Cancer treatments and how they are going. But I have tried to explain MLC to her but she doesn't understand.

  My W hasn't responded  and I doubt she will. As this will be to much pressure for her to deal with. We don't talk ever only about the kids so we almost have no communication for the last year.

  I am healing and GAL really well. I still play tennis a few days a week surf and do some yoga. I am seeing an IC about dealing with the shame I feel and past issues. Over all I feel pretty good and starting to see that I am going to be okay one way or another.

  Thank you all for being here I don't know what I would have done without you.

God Bless you all !
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 12, 2019, 07:28:11 AM
Well I got served yesterday. I am doing okay
I guess I expected it but it still shocking. My wife independently wealthy yet she asked for almost all of what I have. Even if I only give half of what she is asking for I will be so financially devastated that I'll have to file bankruptcy. This is a mess the woman I knew and loved would hw e never done something like this to anyone let alone the person she loved the most and the father of her children. I am crushed
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on September 12, 2019, 07:46:00 AM
Oh no. So sorry F5. So, so, sorry.

My wife filed last week, so I know how crushing it is. Even if you're OK and in your rational mind, it's still unsettling.

It sounds to me like you need to put on your business hat for a while. Not just for yourself and your own future, for the sake of the kids. They need a parent who can take care of them emotionally and financially.

You will make it through the day, and tomorrow. You're going to be OK.

Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on September 12, 2019, 07:54:53 AM
I am so sorry Father!  They truly only care about themselves during MLC and unfortunately we seem to be the collateral damage.  Disconnect your feelings, this is now business.  Fight for your future finances. 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 13, 2019, 04:47:52 AM
I'm sorry to hear about being served Father5.

As the others have noted, she may have asked for the moon but there is NO reason for her to get it or even half of it... It is time to channel Michael Coorleone and just get da business taken care of.  Because that is ALL it is now... Business...
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on October 29, 2019, 03:59:23 PM
Hi Everyone,

   I don't usually post on my thread as there hasn't been much to talk about with STBXW. We both showed up for our kids teacher conferences today. Somehow we ended up waiting in 10x10 room alone for rwnety to thirty minutes.

  My wife doesn't monster. She is wanting to be friends since this all started. I am positive she is in MLC though. We chatted and she was like nothing was wrong. It was all about the kids as that's all we have a connection with at this point. But it was a positive step. One of the teachers actually complemented us on our kids behavior especially going through a divorce and all. She credited both of us. It didn't get weird until we left and she gave me a high five lol. Saying we raise great kids.

  I read Finding Joys post last week about being friends. It resonates with me because I have three Step kids that I will miss every XMas with. I feel like I can do it as long as there isn't OM. I am not sure if they are together anymore. I am willing to try anything to keep my family together  I don't ever want to have the would of should of  could of thought. 

  I did feel empowered by being so pleasant. I also felt that I finally gave the door is open-paving he way vibe. That she can talk to me without me taking her head off.

  I will continue to mirror her actions going forward. If comes in I will allow if she pulls away so will I. If I find out about OM2 I will go back to the way things where before.

Please give me some feed back. I am feeling good with myself about today's interaction. We haven't had that kind of talk in over a year now.

 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on October 29, 2019, 08:01:21 PM
Slow and steady Father..... it good for her to see you're dealing well, and no monster...... ever? Wow, that boggles the mind.

You're making good progress, keep it up!!!!

Yes, they want to be friends first..... well, that type of trust anyway. Gotta pave the way so she knows it's safe to come home.

A high five? That made me laugh. They're so weird aren't they?

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on October 29, 2019, 09:05:44 PM
Thanks SS ,

The high five had me going huh?  Yes I have never had monster well maybe once but that was our fight I gave as good as I got.

I am not sure about the friend thing. I don't want to send he message that what she is doing is okay. But I am willing to try anything what I am doing now isnt working.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on October 30, 2019, 05:59:37 AM
Hey Father,

Well I don't mean "we're friends and all is well", no no no, not that.

Just civil, and a listener. Kind.
Trust starts with talking from her and listening from you. She has to be comfortable to tell you things and the truth (without being clobbered over the head in return).

Does she appear to be processing yet? Or she's still oblivious?

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on October 30, 2019, 01:05:55 PM
  She is oblivious !

   She hasn't made any movement that I can see. Then again I don't see her all that often. I have been as no contact I possibly can for the last year just trying to heal and wrap my head around this. I didn't handle the affair very well.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on October 30, 2019, 01:37:55 PM
Ah, totally in the tunnel and no light yet.

Sorry man, really am.... but you have the gift of time now.

Time to zoom ahead, let her see a colorful blur as it races by.

"Who was that masked man?" says W...... "wait a min...... F5?!?!?!!? OMG.... wait for me!!!!".

Press on!!!!

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on October 30, 2019, 02:44:17 PM
Father it truly is hard.  Even if they don’t come back, us having a friendly workable relationship is best with kids.  Just so unfair though...

I guess none of this is fair.  Great job handling the conference.  It sounds like your kids are doing great!  I agree with what you put on the other post, if my h divorces me, I’m not waiting forever on a maybe.  Long enough to heal and then I will move on unless I feel I should wait for the kids sake.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on October 31, 2019, 10:24:21 AM
My XW wants to be friends too. All you can do is to decide what's best for you and remember that YOU CAN'T FIX HER. You may not even be able to help her.

Just do what's best for you and your kids.

My kids are grown, live with me and have their own cars so I don't have to worry about custody issues, etc... I maintain friendly relations with my X because it doesn't bother me, we do still need to talk about a few things, and because I want to leave the door open in case she finds her way out of her fog before I'm taken by someone else.

But that's just what I do. Your mileage may vary.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on October 31, 2019, 11:35:56 AM
     Thanks everyone,

  Today I am reminded of just how low she has gone. I was told over the phone by my bank the wrong dates on some funding. So I thought she wouldnt be able to come after it. It wasn't much but to me it's all I have. All of my years of hard work and 125 hr work weeks etc.

 So now I find out she is able to and even if we split it would devistate me finacially. She will never have to worry about money again. All of this is just being done out of spite I guess , I am not sure. This is another red line for me. This one will wrap it up for friendship or any holidays with the kids together.

  I am using this as a teachable moment. When I thought she couldn't touch it I was thinking of being friends. I forget what she is doing or trying to do sometimes. that this will all be fixed when she wakes up. She Firetucking high fived me the other day about the kids. I really don't know how much more I can take. I just want this done and her out of my life. I don't even think I want to deal with her about the kids anymore. This will financially ruin me!

 Sorry I am spinning at the moment I just needed to vent !!! I am pissed !



 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on October 31, 2019, 11:58:52 AM
Father, I am so sorry.  They can be so incredibly cruel and of course selfish.  No true friendship can take place anyways until they are worthy. 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on October 31, 2019, 12:07:55 PM
I'm sorry too F5,

That's really rough (and I know what that feels like). You're going to get thru it, you're going to be ok.

Hang in there man,

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: sachat3 on November 01, 2019, 07:25:32 AM
What a awful thing to do! So sorry it’s become this for you but you will get through this.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on November 12, 2019, 06:48:11 PM
    Hi Everyone,


  I did something different today. I am trying to pave the way.

     My son stayed with me today as he was sick and didn't want to go to school.
Later this evenning my wife came to pick him up but he wasn't done eating so I invited her in. We talked for fifteen minutes or so. Mostly about family and pets etc. But I was different I was strong, I was confident. I showed her my place it was clean and was in good shape.

  I for the first time showed her she could talk to me if and when she needed. I am not going to take her head off. I am trying to be the light house. I am trying something new, the old way wasn't working.

  She seemed normal she wasn't being weird or anything like I have read on here which kinda threw me. I didn't know what to expect but I did great I am glad I left teh door open !

 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 13, 2019, 12:47:50 AM
You showed her the door was open. It is now up to her whether or not she wants/chooses to walk through it..

NO expectations!

Just keep on doing your thing and living your best life.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Whyus on November 13, 2019, 03:12:43 AM
I understand that you are trying to Keep the door open but she is trying to financialy ruin you when she doesnt even Need that Money.
You being nice to her is cool, its OK but dont let her think that you are OK with her going after your Money. It is not OK and you are letting her think that it is and that she is doing Nothing wrong.!
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on November 13, 2019, 05:33:53 AM
     Yes you are correct Whyus,


    That was my fear. That I am sending the wrong message. I figured I would do what UM said and go back to the short but polite replies. I have not forgotten nor plan on not fighting for my future. I have read over and over that we can't keep letting them feel the guilt and shame when they see us. That we need to pave the way, that was all I am trying to do. Something had to change, I have to say that I tried everything for my family.

   I am doing anything I can for my kids and family. Last night was very hard for me.
I would say that making her wait outside would have been the easy way. I am trying to show strength !
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Whyus on November 13, 2019, 07:02:14 AM
You are showing strength F5 and doing all that you can. That takes character and guts to say the least.
One Thing to remember though, we cannot nice them back. It just doesnt work that way unfortunately, believe me, I tried and failed miserably ;)
My XW wants to be Friends too, I say hello and thats it. We dont speak often but when we do she is all "bla bla bla… " she wont shut that lying hole of hers for a second and im like "ok, ah, oo, ok, bye". Thats it...
Title: The Root of suffering is attachmet
Post by: Father5 on November 13, 2019, 10:19:02 AM
       Thank you Whyus and UM !

I have to change the title of my thread as I no longer believe it was an exit affair. Thank you for everyone following along and helping me through all of this. For that I am eternally grateful.


Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on December 16, 2019, 08:13:31 PM
     So my anniversary came and went without any fan fair. My wife's Bday is Ina few days I got something from the kids as she did for me. We haven't  talked at all since last month. Really nothing new to report it's like it is back to the way it was for the last year. Always thanks for the help !
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on December 16, 2019, 09:01:10 PM
I'm sorry she is still so checked out Father......

So brutal.

Praying that she wakes up and gets it together.

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on December 17, 2019, 12:02:33 AM
Father, these are major milestones in this process. How are you feeling? Did these anniversaries bring up anything or are you doing ok?
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: sachat3 on December 17, 2019, 12:20:03 AM
I’m not the most knowledgeable on this. I’m only two years in and tbf my MLCer is fairly nice and around a lot. But the coming and going you described does seem very consistent with a few others threads. It may feel like it. But your not alone.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on December 17, 2019, 05:09:41 AM
Thank you for checking in on me. I have been doing ok. Mainly because I ha e no expectations. I do still have hope and love in my lifeheart for her. My line in the Sand is the finalized divorce but she hasn't advanced that as she is more than 30 days late with her response.

 I am full on GAL now I have regular activities and new friends. I still feel weird not sharing it with someone.

 Thank you all for your help and support
 
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Not Your Monkey on December 17, 2019, 07:28:12 AM
I just read through your whole thread for the first time. To be honest I see nothing that you have written by you that screams mlc to me. I see a marriage that was over long before bd due to your work schedule that would have prevented you from being a husband to her let alone a parent. 90-125 hours a week working?? How do you even find time to sleep? It sounds like you have made positive changes but her ship had already sailed and it may be too late. It may seem punitive to take half your assets but I can understand why. It was your obsession with earning that money that kept  you away from her. She may want to send a message about how that affected her.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on December 17, 2019, 04:25:34 PM
Hi NYM,

To be honest I don't post much here. My thread on HB is more of a reflection of my marriage and self. My 90/125 hour work week was unplannwd. I lost my business here and made a big move to an island. For two and a half years I worked like a dog but I always told her if we needed a change I would do whatever as she and the kids came first. We were up to our eyeballs in debt. I own not holding up my father duties for those two years. Right before we moved her father passed and this is when I see this really change in her. If you'd like to read my thread on HB PM me and I'll let you go over it. I would greatly value your input.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on December 18, 2019, 12:49:28 AM
NYM: you make a lot of unproductive assumptions here. How do you know he was “obsessed” with making money instead of needing to support his family? How do you know she didn’t demand that he make money? We do not know what is going on in most people interactions, it can be damaging and very hurtful to just make assumption and lecture people.

Also why wasn’t it her responsibility to state her needs? Father did you wife ever say “hey cut back your hours, we can do with a lot less?” and you simply ignored her?

I just can’t get over it, what a cruel thing to say to someone you don’t know. I am sorry but this is beyond the pale.

I think we should all be very careful and don’t assume we know where people are emotionally at a time when we post. And this is doubly as critical in times like this, with holidays coming a lot of us have had a very hard time. Some here have even shared they have had moments of deep despair and maybe even been close to the edge, I hate to think what kind of harm a careless post may cause.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Reinventing on December 18, 2019, 01:00:49 AM
I agree. He explained that he lost his business and that the large numbers of hours of work was unplanned to get them out of debt and on their feet financially.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on December 18, 2019, 03:05:27 AM
I agree
Father, your response to NYM was very mature and calm, congratulations. Not easy if people are judging us on assumptions that may not be true or the whole story. You know the reality of how things are right now and tbh that is all you can work with. Time and events will show you more about likely causes and effects. Meanwhile, that changes nothing but you doing the best you can with what's available. I hope that you and your kids get to spend some drama-free time together over Christmas.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Helpingme! on December 18, 2019, 03:43:25 AM
Father 5
You did what any good husband and dad would do . You busted your @$$ to take care of your family.
You don't have to explain why you did it.
I know how it is to work 80 to 100 hrs a week.
$h!t happens in life. Just part of it.

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: islandgirl68 on December 18, 2019, 10:10:40 AM
Hi NYM,

To be honest I don't post much here. My thread on HB is more of a reflection of my marriage and self. My 90/125 hour work week was unplannwd. I lost my business here and made a big move to an island. For two and a half years I worked like a dog but I always told her if we needed a change I would do whatever as she and the kids came first. We were up to our eyeballs in debt. I own not holding up my father duties for those two years. Right before we moved her father passed and this is when I see this really change in her. If you'd like to read my thread on HB PM me and I'll let you go over it. I would greatly value your input.

STOP...REWIND...NYM. I gotta backup Father here. You have no idea how expensive cost of living is where he was. I'm still living on island. The cost of living is absurd. Gas, housing, and food is ridiculous. Everyone here has to work at least 2 jobs to even break even. And even then most of us have a strong family support network to help each other out. From what I remember, Father wasn't a local here from the islands so imagine being without that safety net. So he put in the extra work to make up for that. Unfortunately it did take a toll on his marriage, but it does not negate that his W is going thru a crisis. We cant' judge MLC or WAW or whatever from the other side of our computer screens. If you have questions about Father's situation, just ask. But we should not assume to know anything about anyone's situation. Because at the end of the day unless we are walking in someone else's shoes we shouldn't judge anyone's situation.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on January 14, 2020, 02:49:47 PM
    So a few weeks ago she was reaching out everyday. Always about the kids but little stuff here or there. Now I have complete radio silence for the last week and a half. I mean nothing like she has become a vanisher!

 I got the kids a dog today so that'll be fun when they see her on Friday ! She is am English Bulldog I got from the dog pound. 2 yrs old and full of spunk ! She is going to be a great addition to the family.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on January 14, 2020, 02:57:08 PM
Father: so great that you are living you life in small and big ways, for you and the kids. What a great addition.

As for Vanisher, keep in mind, they cycle. Fast or slow. Right now you are in “fast” cycle, I can stay from my experience that my wife went from cycles of days to now cycle of weeks and at some points even months. Yup it takes all kind of loops in the roller coaster I guess!
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on January 14, 2020, 03:10:30 PM
So exciting about the dog!  It is tough when they cycle towards you and then away.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: CheerHeart on January 15, 2020, 05:51:01 AM
What are you going to call your new fur baby?
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on January 15, 2020, 01:22:43 PM
Hi Cheer,

   I am thinking Gertrude but I have to check with my daughter. I am excited about the dog and can't wait to surprise the kids !
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on January 21, 2020, 11:32:03 AM
HI All,

   We have named my new dog "Soda Pop" the kids won out ! She is a real love. I had some minor contact with my wife over the weekend. She came to the door and met the dog when dropping off the kids. She says she would like to go to my moms house to see our other dog that my mom took in when we moved to the islands. She said she didn't want to make my mom feel uncomfortable. I just said she isn't going to be uncomfortable and that was it I didn't add anything else. We had a long conversation about a few personal things of hers. I just listened and was polite.

  I really feel like I am starting to detach a lot more. I didn't spin or react, I kept my cool and didn't try and fix her problem with my mom.

   It will be interesting to see if she actually reaches out to my mom. She tried to do it through someone else but my mom said NO and "If you want to see the dog I will make arrangements just let me know your plans". My wife never texted her back.

  I had a nice get together on Saturday with some old and new friends. I did great at hosting if I do say so myself. Lots of food and drinks and everyone seemed to have a really good time. It was a first for me to do something like this on my own.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 17, 2020, 10:13:52 AM
    So I had a huge blow up with my wife. She has sent me a text saying she doesn't like how my nanny talks about Jesus to our kids. That she has a convert board in her room that my wife is on. That if I didn't talk to her that she would.

  I went on to explain to her  that she has no right to discuss anything with anyone I decide to bring into the kids life. that she gave up that rioght when she walked out the door and blew up her family. Her response was classic " Are you seriously still hung up on that". I haven't responded back and don't plan too. 
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on March 17, 2020, 10:35:42 AM
Quote
" Are you seriously still hung up on that".

Oh goodness, Father...that may well be an HS MLC Classic  :)
And of course you were quite right to walk away from the exchange right there.

As you might know, I am a person of faith but - if you'll pardon the pun - let me play devil's advocate lol a little. Your nanny has the right to her personal beliefs. And so does your wife. And, for all that she is now and has done, she is still your kid's mother is she not? Does she get a vote on how you live your life now? No. But does she have the right to an opinion at least about any religious instruction that her children are receiving? Perhaps.

I happen to not be a strong fan of proselytising....I think faith is a very personal thing and God shows up when/if we're ready to listen. Idk what your faith views are or how closely your nanny's approach fits with them. But perhaps it is worth musing on for a few days to see if it is worth setting a gentle boundary with your nanny if not?

Detachment I think is when we can choose things neither to please or appease the MLCer but also maybe not to do the opposite just bc we resent their interference or opinion? Just a thought.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 17, 2020, 10:41:22 AM
      Yes I agreee with you that my wife has the rght to contact me and say hey I am concerned about it. She doesn't have the right to say if I don't do something she will.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on March 17, 2020, 10:42:58 AM
Father, My husband spoke very similar words to me several times in the first year after BD.  I guess they think we should just have no emotions...

If my husband said that my kids could no longer be told about Christ, from me or anyone else, I would in no way respect his point of view.  It is my responsibility as a parent to instill strong morals and beliefs in my children and I care more about their eternity than his anger at God.

But, I should say, my husband turned his back on his beliefs and so there is a feeling that we had a contract to raise our kids in the faith, that he broke.  That’s on him.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 17, 2020, 10:58:54 AM
Hello,

Quote
Yes I agreee with you that my wife has the rght to contact me and say hey I am concerned about it.

I agree that she has the privilege to contact you but not the right. You could be dating someone and they have their religious views. You can't quit a job and then go back and try to tell the boss how to run things.

Quote
So I had a huge blow up with my wife.

I don't think that is a blow up, but rather setting a boundary. Like I stated, she left the job. She no longer gets to validate you or your actions. From my point, you handled it quite well and were calm and collected. Just like how you handled a previous post that I did not agree with.

Keep going strong and be the positive force in both yours and your children's lives.

(((Ready)))
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on March 17, 2020, 11:02:54 AM
      Yes I agreee with you that my wife has the rght to contact me and say hey I am concerned about it. She doesn't have the right to say if I don't do something she will.

Well I suppose technically she has the right to say anything she wants....just not the right for you to listen to it or change how your bring up your kids in YOUR home on YOUR time bc of it  :)

Can't recall the details of custody etc in your sitch, Father, or how much access your w has to your home and/or the nanny. Don't know what you think she might do/say but perhaps worth giving the nanny a heads up so she isn't caught off guard by a raging wife and so the nanny is clear where you stand on the issue?

FJ is right of course that how you handle the issue is a function of your own beliefs and the kind of foundation you think is important for your kids. Part of sane parenting right?
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 17, 2020, 11:23:34 AM
      Well I tried to gve the nanny a heads up she didn't answer her phone and didn't respond to my text LOL. I am sure I will hear about it soon.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 18, 2020, 01:42:18 PM
    Maybe someone else can explain this stage I am in or feeling. I am fired up I am finally mad as Firetruck. I have had enough and I think I want to push this divorce through. I am tired of being treated this way I think maybe the comment yesterday has pushed me over the edge. Its coming up on two years and she hasn't done any work or shown one ounce of giving a firetruck about me or what she has put these kids through.

   The glasses are coming off she is a liar and a cheater. She is not a good person and I am tired of acting like she is. I am a good man who deserves a good woman and a good relationship. I was a hard worker and good provider and a great father. I deserve so much better!!

  I thought I was past the anger stage already but this seems different to me. Maybe I read to much Chump Lady this morning ! I don't know, but I am going to give this some thought. I fired off an email to my attorney then retracted it as I want to be sure. I don't want ot do it out of anger. 
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on March 18, 2020, 04:19:19 PM
It’s a good idea to wait until this cycle of anger passes before acting.  That said, you are completely justified in your feelings and only you know when you are ready.

However, I have a feeling there will be no divorce proceedings in the next couple of months as many courts are shutting down.

I would be upset too!  So far from BD and she is still so passive about  your feelings.  That’s tough.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on March 18, 2020, 04:48:10 PM
Father, FJ is absolutely right, wait for anger to process before making any decision. But anger is an important signpost, that something is being stepped on, that maybe an important part of you may be hurt. It is an emotion designed to make you take note, to move you to protect yourself. But behind anger is the real event, so sit with it, let it pass and find the hurt.

You are a good man, you do not deserve any of this. It is very difficult and draining to be treated like that, to feel you don’t matter. Truth it you are very important and kind, and even knowing your wife is disordered it still hurts a lot. I know. I have memories of simple things my wife said or did that will stay with me, always.

Let yourself be angry. It’s based on the here and now. But don’t act out of anger. Listen to it, but don’t be ruled by it.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 19, 2020, 10:53:02 AM
   I had a very interesting conversation with my step daughter yesterday afternoon. She asked me a few questions about my wife and our current relationship. I just went on to say that I am jsut giving her what she asked for and that is a life without me in it. She asked me to not act like a victim so much. that I should try and look at it as atleast I am free to find someone that really loves you. We talked a little about our tiff on Tuesday and how I said that she blew up her marriage. She said that sounded angry and sounds like you are crying victim. I said I am not crying victim and that I just got angry that my kids are in this predicament where they have a nanny. That they are growing up as latchkey kids which we both hated as we were brought up that way.

  She asked me wether I need closure I said of course that would be nice but I don't think I will ever get it. She is asking me to look at her and have pitty, that MW is incabable of love. I said I do have pitty I feel terrible for her I wonder what happened in her childhood that is causing her so much pain but I can't carry her burden for her. She chose to turn my life and the kids lives upside down because she didn't want to seek help. I said that is on her, That until she can come to me and tell what she did was so Firetrucked up that she isn't a person I choose to be around. I said I love your mom, I will always love your mom I just hate what she is doing/did.

  She then went on to tell me how she (my step daughter) was sexualy assaulted in December. That she has chosen to forgive instead of being so angry. We talked about her for a long while and about what happened. She seems to be dealing well but as we all know we will never know what is totally going on inside. I do need to find away to be in their lives more. The older kids are all of to college across the country so it gets hard. Then the holidays I don't get a lot of time because of what is going on with my wife.

  We ended the conversation when she asked me if my wife called to talk would you talk to her. I said my door is always open but I don't think that she will ever call. I reiterated again that I am just giving her hat she has asked for that there is nothing I can do about it. She agreed and went home and I cried in the car on the way home. This whole thing sucks for everyone involved. It has changed the way I think about a lot of things. Even her first husband and how he dealt with things when I came on the scene. How he sucked it up and we became good friends and raised great kids. I have a lot going on with work and home obviously but I need to find away to get there !

  Sorry for being all over the place Iam not a great writer. Especially you Ready your a teacher so I cringe a little :o
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on March 19, 2020, 11:50:27 AM
Patience Father........

The emotion is running hot and heavy. Don't try and stop/suppress it.... let it run, but it's not the time for decisions.
Rant, scream, get mad..... don't act.

All this right now is inside you, doesn't have to do with anyone else (not even W). This is all about you.

When the insides blow up...... don't let them call the shots, that's what the MLC'er does. Let it burn out. You'll be different afterward.
If you can, direct that energy to something good. A hobby, a goal.... something. It can be used to good ends if you let it (beyond growing).

-SS
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on March 19, 2020, 11:54:12 AM
That’s tough!  There is truth in what she said, but it takes time for us to let go.  The more you heal the more able you will be to just co parent with her and lay the blame down.

When something happens I still blame my h because I know it is a repercussion of his choices.  In time hopefully that will happen less and less and a recognition will be there, that my anger does not change anything.

Give yourself grace, we all heal on our own schedule.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on March 19, 2020, 02:42:43 PM
Father, I am sorry it must have been painful. And there may some truths in what she says, but she can not possibly have full understanding of what MLC does, how you must feel, and maybe even what kind of mind frame your wife is in. Was she talking like this was a normal break up?

She really may also feel bad for you, its not clear. She may be trying to make peace depending on her personality or “make things better.” Try not to internalize what she said. Even if it has nuggets of truth.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 20, 2020, 07:24:28 AM
   Yes I got the feeling she was trying to fix things. I know she really wants to have everyone happy and together again even if her mom and I aren't. I am not taking to personal today, though I was a mess the other day. I don't thinnk she sees it as normal break up but she knows her mom is broken and thinks I should have pitty on her somehow.

  I do have pitty on her. I feel bad that she can't or doesn't have feelings but that is her cross to bear. If she can't love anyone like she says then why destroy a happy family.

 My wife texted me yesterday and told me to go get food as they are quaratining the whole state. Then she texted me again later that night about a computer for the kids. I said I have one already for her for school. She texted back to say she didn't so she was going to get one for herself. Then why text me ??? I have had enough of my wife for a few weeks  there has been to much contact, discussion etc etc.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on March 20, 2020, 08:40:58 AM
Father: it is great that you are actually honoring how you feel rather than pushing it aside. Parts of you are telling that you do no want to engage any more, that you want space. When they are disordered contact is at best draining and at worst can put us back into being confused, angry and back to old habits of trying to help. I say this from my own experience, I would have bouts of 7-10 days with my wife and by the end I was ready for her to leave. Even being detached I was drained.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 25, 2020, 08:16:29 AM
   So I had my older step kids over for dinner on Monday. It was nice to have allk five kids together and be able to have a meal. We didn't talk about anything regarding my wife which was great. It almost seemed normal or maybe this is the new normal. They genuinly seem to be happy to see me and hang out. I am going to teach the girls how to surf on Friday. Don't worry I will go to a remote spot so we will be alone :)

  I had a really interesting session with my IC yesterday as well. She has made clear again that she really isn't buying MLC. . She stated she has a new man living with her that she has moved on and that I need to accept that. I guess I do accept it but she fails to recognize her (my wifes) behavioral upheaval. She wants me to look into the mirror and say to myself or journal that she has moved on and to see how that feels over time. She did give me a lot of encouragement as she stated that she has never seen anyone handle everything that I am going through so well. Dealing with my job, kids and wife and everything seeming to crumble around me. It made me feel a little better as I didn't see myself doing so well but maybe others do?

  After all that was said this last week my wife sent me a text of my daughters new haircut. She acted like nothing happened. Maybe the truth dart added some guilt or something, I don't know . All I do know is that she has no feeling towards me at all.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on March 25, 2020, 09:48:35 AM
Father: therapists not “accepting” MLC is a big issue, they will not be able to give you correct context if they do not understand what is happening. Unfortunately it is too common but some are very aware and knowledgeable. Mine is and when I was filling her in she could describe what my wife was like before I even said much, which made the whole thing a lot easier. I wasn’t looking for guidance or help, but not having to go through the whole “no this was not a normal breakup, we had a great marriage” rigamarole specially with my therapist was a great thing. She also helps me understand my wife’s behaviour from a psychological dynamic.

If you find you need guidance on the marriage portion you may at some point consider finding a therapist who is better versed in this particular kind of situation. But realize some therapists will say they dont believe in MLC as a diagnosis, but will understand the behaviour as an amalgam of other underlying psychological issues (disassociation, depression, mood instability, memory, etc).
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on March 25, 2020, 10:42:06 AM
Quote
I wasn’t looking for guidance or help, but not having to go through the whole “no this was not a normal breakup, we had a great marriage” rigamarole specially with my therapist was a great thing.

I agree with Marvin about this. It was a huge relief to me when I found an IC who understood and accepted that my experience was far from a 'normal' end to a long m, that I was dealing with behaviour that was quite confusing and that my then h had experienced some kind of profound fracturing that made him unrecognisable and unreachable to me. 'Normal' rules just no longer applied lol. It didn't matter if she didn't call it MLC; in her case, she saw it as a psychological crisis and a kind of C-PTSD I think. But it was exhausting and distracting to work with an earlier IC who did not accept the reality of my experience....bc if you can't validate the nature of the experience as an IC, how can you help someone recover from it? I didn't need my IC to diagnose or interpret my then h's behaviour. But I did need her to understand why it was so surreal and so traumatic to experience so she could help me build my own recovery path.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on March 25, 2020, 11:23:50 AM
Finding a counselor who either understands MLC or believes in a equivalent is important (IMO).

To that end, it comes down to how many people they've encountered with MLC and if they're smart enough to put the pieces together.

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on March 25, 2020, 12:29:56 PM
It’s not so much about how smart they are, rather its not in any diagnostic or treatment paradigms. Not as a singular event. Most people have no idea what MLC is, or think its the movie version anyway. So why would someone who is being trained but has never seen it in real life know it either. It’s an interesting gap.

But any good therapist, once they have had first hand experience with MLC, will see what is happening and understand it is not a normal situation and can’t be treated as such. So ones I have come across have had patients or have had first hand experience with it. Once they do its pretty obvious this can’t be treated as a normal marriage or personal situation.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on March 29, 2020, 02:57:56 PM
Hi everyone,

So I had a minor blow up today with my wife again. She texted me about wanting to keep the kids an extra few days as they went to the mountains.  I replied "the last time I gave up time with my kids for you, you brought another man along"" I won't give up my time for that".  She obviously wasn't please and went in to state " he will be around me and the kids often" "this is not about a guy I am trying to keep the kids entertained" " this is why we need to change the schedule" she then asked to come later on Monday and I replied " just stick to the schedule thanks"

 I have been more than fair with vacations and taking the kids on weekend trips. I'll admit I was upset last time I gave her extra days and she brought OM.

  I am trying to respond and not react which I felt I did. I was polite and to the point. I don't feel I should give up my days so they can hang out as a happy Faux Family.

God Bless for your input thanks
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Ggg4life on March 29, 2020, 06:24:40 PM
HI Father-

I think you did just fine.  It's not like you hadn't been flexible before.  Sounds to me this time you just reiterated a clear boundary in case she thought she could keep stretching them any further.  I would have said the same thing and expected my daughter to be home by the agreed upon time, especially with OP.  They have their existing schedule to play house.  Trying to encroach on your time without any regard for your thoughts on the matter are not acceptable.  Good job!  God Bless!! GGG
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on March 30, 2020, 11:15:36 AM
Hello,

Quote
So I had a minor blow up today with my wife again.

No, your wife got upset because you set a boundary that the keep to an agreement. That's not a blow up, that's sticking up for yourself. It took me a long time, but my mindset that arguing was bad and should be avoided at all costs was not healthy. So what that you got her angry because you told her no. Your have to put your mindset that your interactions with her at this point are business interactions. Do you always say yes to a salesman? Of course not, otherwise you would be broke and a whole house full of things you did not need.

You are doing fine even if it makes your MLCer upset.

Quote
She obviously wasn't please and went in to state " he will be around me and the kids often" "this is not about a guy I am trying to keep the kids entertained" " this is why we need to change the schedule"

Yes, she can bring another person into the lives of her children. However, I hope she understands that children are vulnerable to predators at this age. The statistics are clear. So, you can't control that during her time, but you are not going to give him opportunity during your time.

I know this is a hard time for you, but you seem to have a good handle on things.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 01, 2020, 08:19:03 AM
HI Everyone,

     I have felt at times that I am becoming detached. However my wife has come out about he other man the other day which was my doing, I mentioned him. For some reason I find myself struggling a bit about it being out in the open. That somehow that salidified it or something. Before there wasn't any Facebook photos or anything he was kept in the dark. I knew about him and she knew I knew but it was still never discussed. I am feeling a little sick to my stomach about it. It's like another gut punch.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on April 01, 2020, 08:32:22 AM
Father: I am sorry to hear that it threw you off your stride. I think in the early periods this is absolutely what most of us experienced. Parsing all of this is a lot like parsing a loss, it comes in waves and what triggers us is sometimes so strange and random.

I don't know if it helps or not, but I was doing fine for a long period of time, even after my wife asked for a divorce. But then as we were separating our credit cards and various accounts the two things that absolutely punched me in the gut were something as stupid as her removing me from our shared calendar and asking me to turn off her phone number on our account.

What I am saying is be kind to yourself and allow yourself these moments of registering the pain and the loss. You are doing great and this too shall pass. Its like waves coming in after a stone is dropped, the subsequent ones are smaller and shallower.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Ggg4life on April 01, 2020, 11:51:59 AM
Father-
 I'm sorry you are having to experience this next part of the process.  With or without your doing, it would come out.  Think of the teen in defiance mode. Huff!!! "You can't tell me what to do! I'll show you!" Then they cut off their nose to spite their face.  It's part of the journey. You're right on time.  Think of it as another step toward the tunnel.  We need movement through. It's better than being stuck. Keep those boundaries.  She needs them.  You need them.  God Bless!! GGG
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 09, 2020, 12:23:46 PM
   HI Everyone,

I am having a dilema. I have been offered a great job far away from where I live currently. It would be life changing money and security. A lot of work but the security in these times is what is pulling me. They offered to help purchase a home for me and the kids and pay for the move. I can't move away from my kids and I would like to take them with me. My wife loves this place I am looking at and she should be able to go. We don't talk much except about the kids.

   My current job isn't going to make it through this pandemic. I feel stuck in a way as I have always made good money and provided. I have always owned my own businesses and as this divorce takes shape I am running out of money and oppurtunities. If I had to look for employment I am an uneducated(no degree) middle aged man that needs to make a REALLY good salary just to be in the neighborhood I am in now. I feel if I don't take the job/partnership that I will be filing for bankruptcy sooner rather than later.

  I hate that fact that she is holding all of the cards but I am going to have to ask her if she is able to move out there. If she says no I don't know what my options will be? Any thought on how to go about this?

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: 3Boys4Me on April 09, 2020, 05:57:07 PM
Hey F5, it sounds like a truly positive possibility? What is your current parenting plan? How do you share custody? My response would depend on knowing a little more info...
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 09, 2020, 06:20:01 PM
Hi 3 boys,

At the moment I have M,W ,F and every other Saturday. She hates this schedule but it's all I can do with the hours I currently work. She would definitely want to change that. It's to an island so it's an expensive move. But could be a great opportunity for the kids and myself to get a new start
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: 3Boys4Me on April 09, 2020, 09:15:06 PM
So you are 50/50, that’s good. I would just be straight up. It’s a great opportunity. You are either going to go bankrupt or you can secure a really great job, likely has medical benefits too? If you pay any child support, your new income will be calculated which could end up with you helping out more - maybe she will think of it as a fresh start.  I would write out what you want to say and practice. Invite her to talk. Keep it short and sweet. Ask her questions, listen to her reactions and let her process.  Maybe there are potentials for her, better schedule too. Don’t approach it as a done deal - but do let her know that it has much appeal.  Ask her to consider the options and then let her think.  You also need to prepare yourself what to do in the event she says know - you can ask the court to grant you custody for the move - but you would have to be prepared to care for them 100%... tough place for you to be, also exciting to consider a fresh start!
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on April 12, 2020, 11:44:38 AM
Hello,

You are in a tough spot, but you are a rational man and my advice is to do what is best for you and your children. I know how you feel, but your wife doesn't hold all the cards. If she bankrupts you, she loses a lot as well.

The biggest factor is how do the children feel about the move and the better opportunity?

You need to weigh all the matters, create a course of action, and then work with your MLCer the best that you can.

(((((Hugs)))))

Ready
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: forthetrees on April 12, 2020, 05:30:21 PM
I would hope that judges are going to take into account the life altering fallout of the pandemic and would be apt to work with you on allowing you custody of the kids whether or not she moves. She would then likely get summer and some school breaks. Could that work for you? In your favor is that you are doing this to provide for the children.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 12, 2020, 05:41:33 PM
Thanks everyone for the responses.

We had our talk today. We hashed out some of the hurt feelings that I have. Why I have them. She still isn't sorry though she did apologize for hurting me. She basically did a rewriiten  history of events when it suited her. She clearly stated that she wasn't sorry for the affair or that she got her tubes tied. She couldn't understand why I was upset by that as she wanted to get that done for a while now.

 She did show some emotion which is a change but that is in regards to the kids and them possibly moving away. She also kept saying she didn't know who she was still. She said that multiple times.

 I did mention that if she moves I could pay for the move and offer insurance to her to help with the cost associated with this but we would have to stay married for that to happen. She said the divorce doesn't matter when, as it's already done it just needs signing at this point. This is totally not true.
 
 I would prefer of she came out there also as it's best for the kids. She didn't seem like that was possible.  My daughter did say that she would like to live with me  in Hawaii when I asked. My son cried and said he didn't know. I told wife they could come out for summers and all the holidays etc.

I do feel like I got a big monkey off my back. This is really the first real talk we have had in a heard and a half. We hung up on pretty decent terms with all thing considered. She said she needed to process and would get back to me.

 Thank you all again for your support
It is greatly appreciated !!!!
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on April 12, 2020, 06:07:23 PM
I’m so glad you had a productive conversation with her and got some things off of your chest!  So she is letting you take the kids?!  That is great!
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 12, 2020, 06:48:09 PM
She is processing the info at the moment so we will see.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 14, 2020, 08:25:49 AM
       Hi guys,

    I heard back from her already. She says I can't take the kids and to go and see what it's like over there and we can discuss the kids moving. She is concerned that I would be working to much again. I have made it clear to my partner that I am a single dad and that I would need to be a good dad. My wife loved the islands I thought this was going to be a lot easier than this. She said she financially can't do it right now.  This really hurts I don't know where to go from here. I won't leave my kids with her. She seems to be a decent parent but there is another man in her life. My kids need me now for richer or poorer.

  I have decided not to respond to her email. There really isn't anything else to say. Maybe I could try to ask the courts to interveen. Maybe they could see that this better for the kids. They would have a good home and really really good insurance. It would be expansive but it might be worth it. She is in bad financial shape also so maybe the thought of a costly battle would change her mind ?

  Everytime I start to feel like there is a little lluight at the end of tunnel it turns out to be a train coming the other way.

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on April 14, 2020, 09:19:13 AM
Father I am so sorry, I had hoped this would go easier for you. Is there any wisdom in maybe giving her time, see if she changes her mind or try to give her any reassurance that would help?

What is the primary concern?
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on April 14, 2020, 11:30:58 AM
I'm sorry too, Father....not surprised bc these folks would bin their own umbrella in a thunderstorm just in case the LBS might get wet  ::).Have you quietly taken legal advice to see if you can sue for primary custody? How old are your kids?
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on April 14, 2020, 12:21:01 PM
   I reached out to my attorney today to see what my options are. They are 50/50 she said but I dont see that working in my favor at the moment. I will fight but I think I mihgt offer to pay half of her CC bill which is the same price as the attorney anyway. I don't know? I am not in a hurry so I will wait and see what the economy will do.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on May 21, 2020, 01:15:58 PM
  So I recieved her side of the Documents today I guess we are moving forward. I am crushed but I am also relieved maybe I can really start to put all of this behind me. I am shaking and I don't know why? I knew this was coming ! She isn't the woman I knew anymore and I have to accept that But I feel its going to be a puddle of tears today. Truth is I have had a lot of pent up anger the last few weeks and I need to get it out. I will finally know where I stand financially (which will be ruin) but i'll be able to move on with my life. One foot in front of the other. What a sad day, I just wanted to document and share. I am a little over 1.5 years and it still hurts.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on May 21, 2020, 01:47:15 PM
I’m so sorry!  Yes, I am at a similar timeline and it does still hurt.  One day at a time.  You can and will come out of this.  Keep inching forward...
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on May 21, 2020, 01:48:21 PM
Father, I am so sorry this happened. No matter how ready we think we are it still is a punch to the gut. Right now i guess all you can do is to just be kind to yourself, and let it kind of flow through and let all the feelings unwind. I kind of remember what I felt like when my wife said she wanted a divorce. It was sad, calm, but there was also a relief at no longer having to wait for the other shoe to drop.

Its not easy, but its one more step. Take one minute, one hour at a time the best you can. And share and talk and do whatever you need to be kind to yourself.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Maleficent on May 21, 2020, 03:41:14 PM
Father, I am sorry. Even when we know it is coming, it still hurts. What Marvin and Finding Joy said.  Take good care.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on May 22, 2020, 06:52:24 AM
I'm sorry Father  :'(

Prayers with you today.

-SS
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Thunder on May 22, 2020, 07:53:15 AM
Hi Father, I'm coming into this late.  I'm very sorry she is moving forward with this, but I have a question, if I may.

Why can't you go for 50/50 with the kids?  If that was to happen I'm not sure she could move far from you and you would get specific times with the kids.  It would be court ordered.  Plus the child support would be less for you.

Am I missing something?  I'm sorry if I am.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on May 29, 2020, 08:14:02 AM
HI Everyone,

    So I got a bit of good news yesterday. I am actually going to get child support and 50/50 with the kids. I am also owed some spoual support but only for a few years. I am trying to trade that for some debt instead. There is a part of me that doesn't think I should take that. It isn't my nature to do something like this. But I am getting on in my years and time to save for retirement is short. She is adamataly trying to change the schedule with the kids as the OM has some money and she is looking to travel. She hasn't been home on a weekend in two years.

  The funny part is the schedule is unlikely to change. I liek it for my work schedule and the kids like it as well. So the judge is not likely to change it. I also asked for first right of refusal so she can't just pawn the kids off to someone else. If she is going to be gone than I want them. The kids have told me that they had this whole vacation planned this summer that's why the push for the divorce happened. She wants to take them for five weeks somewhere. I will allow a vacation but five weeks? I will give her a week maybe ten days. We will see what the courts decide, I am sorry to ruin her dream divorce !

  I am more than likely not able to take the job offer in Hawaii. This is good and bad. It was a lot more money but less time with my kids and they really need me right now. I am still keeping the option open but the longer I do the more likely I will burn a bridge so I will have to decide soon.

   Other than that I am doing ok I am allowing myself to fully heal and take all of this in. I am afraid that the court ordered support will drive a bigger wedge between us. I want to Co Parent but I am still angry and she is still has no empathy. So I think keeping at a distance is best right now.

 I love you all !

Father5

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on May 29, 2020, 01:01:51 PM
Hi Father:

Thanks for the update and it sounds like generally positive developments. Hope she stays this way until you can settle everything.

Sorry about the job, but sounds like you are making the best decision for you and your kids.

And fwiw take whatever is due to you and don’t worry about any “wedges” or how she may feel later. Because if she manages to climb out it won’t matter, and if she doesn’t then again it won’t matter.

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on May 29, 2020, 02:07:52 PM
Father, It is huge that you are beginning to heal and take it all in!  I wouldn’t worry about her hard feelings due to the finances.  They are consequences of her choices.  She is making these decisions, not you.  I don’t think they will effect the outcome long term of your relationship.

It is smart of you to keep your distance while you are still angry(which means hurt).  Continue healing and detaching.  You are doing great!
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on May 29, 2020, 07:52:01 PM
Hello,

Quote
So I got a bit of good news yesterday. I am actually going to get child support and 50/50 with the kids. I am also owed some spoual support but only for a few years. I am trying to trade that for some debt instead. There is a part of me that doesn't think I should take that. It isn't my nature to do something like this.

No, its not but this is no longer about her as your partner. She will try to take from you in a heartbeat. OM may have money, but the MLCer is all about them and there is nothing for you or your children.

That's why you have to harden your heart and be strong not just for yourself, but for your family.

It won't be easy. Your feelings for her will rise and you will want to give to her, make it easy, try to be understanding, be the nice guy.....don't because in the end, you will be none of what I wrote to you. It happened to me....the only saving tactic I had was that she wanted out fast and it gave me space to negotiate what I had to give. I will tell you this, she gave nothing in return. Nada

This is a tough time, just think clearly and go for what you feel is in your best interest. Aim high so you can settle close to what you feel is fair.

High five and hugs,

Ready
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on May 29, 2020, 11:30:41 PM
And fwiw take whatever is due to you and don’t worry about any “wedges” or how she may feel later. Because if she manages to climb out it won’t matter, and if she doesn’t then again it won’t matter.

This seems to me to be one of those (apparently) simple ideas that all LBS should tattoo metaphorically on their forehead...well in reverse, so you can read it in the mirror lol.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: sachat3 on June 03, 2020, 10:02:34 AM
It’s lovely to see a positive update from you father.

FWIW. We’ve all done things that aren’t naturally in our nature but that’s because they benefitted our children. Your doing a fantastic
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on June 30, 2020, 09:40:48 AM
HI Guys,

    Just Jounaling a bit. My wife has reached out to me several times in the last few weeks about certain things for the kids. Nothing major just about camps etc and what they can do during summer. I have only kept short and to the point. Always polite but if I can give a one word response I do.

  I have noticed a few things as of late. She is terrified to step foot in my house when she gets the kids. I am never home when she does but I have cameras. She used to come inside and get them ready or whatever. The last few months she wouldn't even come inside to wake them up.

  As a tried and true MLC'er she hasn't filed any of the paperwork she was supposed too in response to mine. She has failed to mention to me that she is moving to a new house with the OM. It's a 30 min drive from where we are now. Dropping the kids off at school is going to be a trek everyday but that is her problem. I conitinue to stay with as little contact as possible for my own piece of mind.

  As for me ! I am tired of being on lockdown and I am missing tennis in a big way. I have started to run again to stay in shape and clear my head but I miss the social aspect of tennis. Thank God they are letting us surf ! It has been my true zen as of late. Other than feeling like I am stuck at times I feel pretty good. I am still stressed about bills and whats going to happen but I am learning to take one day at a time as I can only do so much.

 Thank you all for your love and support.
God Bless !
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on July 07, 2020, 09:55:11 AM
    Hi everyone,

    I wanted to give an update to how I am feeling. I received a call from my attorney today that they got a strange voicemail from opposing counsel. It upset my attorney that they are stalling. She calle dme and it put me on the spot. Do I move forward and set a court date ? Do I continue to wait ? It has twisted me up in knots inside. Am I really ready to let go ? I do want all of this behind me and to move forward. I am just not ready to make the leap. I want her to own this through an through.

  It has brought up all of these feelings for me. My sons birthday is in a few days and he will be 11. My two year BD  anniversary is coming up also. I am not a puddle of tears but I am close. I don't know what to do so I told my attorney to call me on Monday and let me think about how I want to move forward. I wish I was feeling a bit stronger at the moment I guess I'll take that I am not a puddle of tears as a small victory. I am really missing my wife and family and the life that used to be.

 Thank you all God Bless

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on July 07, 2020, 10:11:46 AM
Father I am so sorry to hear you are in a down place right now, but it is sadly part of the process. So first take care of yourself.

Second I suggest make no decision while you are in this place. Just let it process and pass. We all have these throwbacks, sorrow, what we are missing, what we had. And its not a weakness, you are a feeling caring human being, present and alive. It has ups and downs. Strength is in what and how you are handling it. You are pretty darn strong.

Third I would suggest the following: have a talk with your lawyer. Explain to him/her that you are in an unusual situation, that things will not flow smoothly or at all. They have to be on board and on YOUR side, regardless of the circumstances. I made sure my lawyer UNDERSTOOD that this may not be fast, and definitely will not linear. Took a couple of conversations, but now she knows. I am approaching year 2 of the "divorce" and not much has happened. I check in with her occasionally as needed, but she is not upset by it. The lawyer is your advocate, and they should be only acting in your direction and interest.

A rule I use is if I am not sure of something I am not ready. You will know when you are ready to move on. You won't be a 100% but you will be pretty sure. Are you there? Keep in mind as long as 2 years really is and how hard it has been it is really not that long in this process, even for you. It takes time to heal, whether you move on or not you need time to heal.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on July 23, 2020, 02:09:39 PM
     HI Everyone,

      I recieved a weird email today. Maybe not so weird but it has me Monkey Braining and compared to some that I have read on this forum its on the low end LOL.

  My wife emailed about her upcoming move into a new house, It's almost 30 minutes away. The school district the
 kids are in is one of the best in the country and we live in a small condo and share a room just so they can go to these schools. She is trying to change the kids schedule again for the millionth time. We had just been negotiating our terms on the divorce about all of these matters a few weeks ago. Her response was due and blam! nothing. She wrote this like the whole divorce has been put on hold. Why not just go through the process and finish it ???? This is all about her travel time which is nothing new. She frames it as we wouldn't have to alternate the kids schedules to do this. I have been more than acomodating on the schedule and travel.

  What is new is that she offered to help with the kids in my house on my days as our youngest needs more attention in the studying department. This is where the monkey braining has started ! She hasn't offered anything like this, this is totally new and different behavior.

   She also said that she " I have thought about this move a great deal, in terms of emotional and financial aspects, have discussed it with the kids on many occasions, and it is clear we are all on the same page and excited about it. " They are excited but they are young and don't understand that they are going to be 30 min each direction away from school and from my home. That and she said they can get "chickens" which of course makes a 9 year old girl excited. The mere fact that she is having emotions is something new also. I am monkey braining because I wonder if I should let her into the house to bring her close ?? She is moving with the OM as they live together so I don't think I could do that anyway but I have to make some changes to say I tried everything. I don't think I  could handle the chance at anymore  emotional damage.

  I am trying so hard to let go. I have gone as dark or dim as I possibly can with kids. These interactions are really hard for me and I get upset with myself for monkey braining, I almost become paralyzed. Anyway please give me your thoughts I know I am not the best writer or really good at articulating my thoughts and feelings. Thank you if you made it this far !

    God Bless !!

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Finding Joy on July 23, 2020, 02:21:13 PM
Hey Father!  That is tough!  Only you know what you are willing to to do.  I personally wouldn’t want my ex in the home if he was in another relationship, but others allow it.  It would hurt me too much.

She is going all in with OM, so personally I would want major boundaries.  Of course everyone has their own comfort level.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on July 24, 2020, 09:31:22 AM
    Thanks for the response FJ !

I agree that as long as she is in a realationship with OM she shouldn't come into my house. I only spun for an hour or so yesterday so thats improvement I think. I am feeling much better today. I still haven't responded I will figure somethings out and when I do and I am calm I will do so.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: xyzcf on July 26, 2020, 12:18:31 PM
Quote
  I am trying so hard to let go. I have gone as dark or dim as I possibly can with kids. These interactions are really hard for me and I get upset with myself for monkey braining,

Hi Father,

I do not recall ever in my life, not being able to figure out, come to some conclusion, understand a situation or have some impact on the outcome in any other time in my life. We monkey brain because we cannot figure out what the heck they are "thinking"......and when they show us some emotion or interact with us, we think, that as was in the past or with other relationships we have had in life, that this "means" something..and then nothing comes of it and we are doubly confused.

It is exhausting. It is painful and we can go round and round in circles trying to figure it out.

The fact that you can recognize when you are spinning and when you are not is great..and you are allowed to spin.

I too don't want anything to do with a man who has another women in his life...that just doesn't work for me. Because you have children, you need to continue to have interaction with her, and that is really hard. It requires you to put to the side your own emotions and feelings but you also need to have  a place to let these out as well.

I am really glad that you can write about how this is affecting you and can question what kind of impact this has on your children and your own health and welfare.

Of course a 9 year old would be excited about having chickens...isn't that true though about their crisis....the MLCer has no idea of the big picture at all...but thinks that all will be well if they just get some chickens...the "kids will be fine" so they said.

With all the other issues regarding return to school and COVID, you have a great deal on your plate. Take care of yourself!

God bless you and grant you peace.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on August 19, 2020, 08:42:14 PM
Hi All,

  I wanted to journal a bit and tell you all about one of the most humiliating days I had today. First I am one week from my 2 yr anniverssary of BD. I wish I could say I was doing so much better but that doesn't seem to be the case. I do feel in the end I will have learned to be on my own and not be so co dependant. Right now I am coming off of the worst few weeks from a proffesional stand point than any I have ever faced. I hvae made a pretty major error evry single day for two weks straight. Everyday I go into my office I say that I just need to lay low and stay off of the radar for the next few months, then Blahm! Another mistake. Today's was a doozy ! I cost us 1000s of dollars. My partners that had always had my back are beggining to distance themselves. The more nervouse I get the more I second guess myself etc etc.

  To top the rest of my week off, when I came to pick up the kids my car died. Blocking the entrance to her driveway. Right in front of the OM's multi million dollar home. My wife drove the kids and I to work  (they are distance learning) so they are in the office with me all day. I was so embarresed and felt humilliated. I kept my composure with her and seemed up beat and made small talk. She seems happy and that for me was the hardest part. She wants so much to be friends but I can't get over what she has done.

  I feel like I am close I have moments where I think that my behavior has to end. That I have to accept that she is gone and never coming back and she has chose someone else. Thjat by having separate birthdays and X-mas for the kids is only hurting me as I am the one that is missing time with some of the people  I love.

     I don't want to give up ! It is early in the proccess but I feel that if I am understanding and friends with her and OM that I am saying it's ok to have done what you have done. I am tired of feeling depressed and extremely stressed all the time. I have always told myself I would see this through until the ink was dry on the divorce and I guess that is what I am going to do.

Still waiting on that big Bus of Karma to come along anytime now.

God Bless you all
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on August 20, 2020, 12:09:33 AM
I am sorry that you have had what would have been a crappy week even in normal circs.
Small things can feel huge when we are already struggling can't they? We get it, Father, and I bet most of us have been there. A broken car or lost wallet or leaking washing machine feels like the universe hates us and it will never end. And it underlines how alone and vulnerable we feel. (I think I remember having a meltdown over breaking a vase once....and a flat battery)

The gift (yuk!) of these moments is that it does serve as a wake up call that, regardless of what is happening with our spouse etc, we need to detach more so we can look after ourselves better. That we are using energy we need for other things perhaps. Only you can work out how much or little 'friendliness' or shared family time you can swallow without it sticking in your throat....and how much of it is (normal) denial or fakery or false hope on your part. Most of us here would say from experience that there is an inverse relationship between detachment and contact.....that we usually found we started feeling better the less we had....and that you can't nice them back and it rarely feels good when we try. And tbh what your w/h wants is no longer important bc it is all about them and not at all about you or even your kids probably. But I don't know the practical circs of your situation. Are there ways in which you can reduce contact and start living as if the divorce were already behind you?
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on August 20, 2020, 03:05:57 AM
Hi Father:

I am sorry to hear you are having a bit of a rough patch. I think we have all had those. I remember a similar period on a crucial time at work where I just couldn’t get my head screwed on right, and I was letting a lot of people down left and right. The only thing that save me from my own self criticism is the acknowledgment that I was in a world on pain, that sometime it was hard to just string two thoughts together, and that no matter what I wanted that was the best I could do. Because the worse thing to do at times like this is to pile on self criticism and a lack of self compassion.

As for the car, and the “multi million dollar home,” I am going to say something that may not resonate initially: who cares? Who cares if your car breaks down? Who cares what the price of your home is? Who cares about appearances and external displays? The only thing that matters is WHO you are as a person, HOW you treat others, WHAT kind of standards do you uphold for you and your kids. There are tons of truly useless people in big houses driving expensive cars, and for some reason we have given money and possessions (outside of necessities, roof, shelter, food) was too much importance. Are you proud of the person you are? How you have managed to handle this insane s**t storm and how you are with your kids? Have you blindsided the one you love and broken up your family? Are you still caring about how your wife is doing even after all her crazy antics?

These things are worth so much more than any home. You should be proud of yourself for how you have handled all this so far. We all have down hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months dealing with this.

Only thing that is on you is to do what you need and what you can to take care of yourself. Start by trying to figure out why you have been more defocused, is there some part of your work that you have ignored? Are you pretending something is ok for you that isn’t and this internal conflict is causing stress, confusion and leading to your mistakes? Are you still playing tennis, surfing, doing whatever you need to help your body deal with stress?

I suggest go back to basics. Work hard at not thinking about her, focus on you and your kids. Do things that feed your soul, own and realize how well you are doing. So pick yourself back up, vent here, and take it one little bit at a time. And as hard as it is remind yourself what you have inside is worth infinitely more than any trinket of house. Maybe being surrounded by people who put too much value in money is not helping you find your center.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Standing Strong on August 20, 2020, 03:57:49 AM
I agree with Marvin: "Who cares?". Wealth is hollow. Someday she'll figure that out..... or not. If she doesn't, then she doesn't deserve you. The end.

Trouble at work is so normal, especially around MLC anniversaries. A very wise person here on the board talked to me about "taking a break" from MLC. I think that's very smart..... knowing when to "let go" for awhile. Good for us, good for them. Nothing we can do for them, so learn to not hold on so tight. Sounds like detachment but it's very different (IMO).

Hang in there Father, ugly weeks like that happen.... no way around it.
Karma bus is late sometimes, but it always makes it's rounds.

-SS
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Little Wing on August 21, 2020, 08:41:26 AM
Hi Father,

just adding my voice to support you in this tough time.

I know our experiences are similar and I certainly had a big dip in my mood around my 2yr BD1 anniversary, (Feb 2020). 
However, I also felt that this time was useful; as I did find myself thinking less and less about STBXW and more about myself, even my concern for my children  was secondary to self care for the first time since I became a Dad in 2002 and this allowed me to be more detached as I decided how to proceed. 

But the pain is huge because this relationship had beauty, even if it is now ugly.

As others have said - you will know when you have reached the final straw for you.

I strongly relate to feeling humiliated and degraded by your MLC W/OM's apparently perfect life, but remember that the opinion of a fool is worthless. 

I dont think anyone one on HS is a fool, and fwiw I think you have behaved with great dignity, integrity and sincerity.  You are a far better man than you give yourself credit for imho.

I have the following quote displayed and when i have those dark days, I find it helps. Maybe you can also draw some strength from it...

Tom Waits Quote:

“Don’t plant your bad days.
They grow into weeks.
The weeks grow into months.
Before you know it, you got yourself a bad year.
Take it from me – choke those little bad days.
Choke ’em down to nothing.”

Sending you all the best I can muster!

LW
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on August 27, 2020, 12:33:52 PM
    Hi everyone,

   Today is my BD two year anniverssary:(. I am in an interesting place. Financially I feel ruined but the divorce isn't final yet and hasn't really gone anywhere. I have started to rebuild what I have lost but it's mostly just mental/emotional damage that is lingering. I had my DR check up a few weeks ago and we found out I am in Andropause. I am not sure for how long but my guess is about four or five years. I have started replacement therapy and will keep you all posted on any changes I start to incure. My levels were so low that I had the testosterone of a 60 plus year old man. I hope this is the answer I have been looking for as I am tired of feeling this way. Symptoms are fatigue, depression , low sex drive and mood swings. Anyway I didn't have much else to reporrt other than that. Everything else seems to be chugging along as it has been. Kids are good and nothing new from my MLCer since my last post.

God Bless you all and as always thank you all so much for being there!

Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on August 27, 2020, 05:44:02 PM
Hi Father:

Thanks for the update. Glad you thought to get a check up, that is great self care. Please let us know, but hopefully it should help with your energy and mood. And honestly with everything that is going on its important to be at your best.

Hang in there.

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Little Wing on August 28, 2020, 06:00:36 AM
Hi Father

really glad you are rebuilding and your kids are all good.  Hope the treatment works so you can GAL even harder!

LW
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 07, 2020, 03:47:08 PM
    Well 2 years and 10 days past BD. She pulls up to drop the kids off with the OM in the car. I have never seen him or heard from him.  I say to her WTF are you bringing him here for. Don't ever do that again. She replies I live with him now what do you expect. I repeat what I said and she replies that's not going to happen. So I went to his window and as he locked the door I looked at him and said you don't come to drop offs and pick ups. You don't come around me do you understand.

  With a look of fear in his eyes he nodded and said he understood. I grabbed my kids and as I walked away she said it's been two years get over it.

I was shaking I was so angry. I can't believe the nerve of her. To not even give me a heads-up. She still believes that we will all be one big happy family someday when I get over this.

  I did not threaten in anyway but it was in a threatening manner. I cannot say what would have happened if he got out of his car.

 God Bless you all
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: CheerHeart on September 08, 2020, 02:26:41 AM
When I read your post I felt sick for you. I am so so SO sorry you had to go through that.  From somewhere in the world, know that someone else is saying a prayer of support and protection for you. I know you feel rage - that pain and rage stems from heartbreak.

You have to distance yourself emotionally from her, somehow. Throw yourself into full scale detachment. She's taken big chunks out of you, emotionally and psychologically, and now you have to heal yourself, by yourself. I know no contact helps me a lot, but as with you, I have a young child with my exH so I have to see him regularly.  I've been trying to keep busy, which helps, but is not the answer - it's avoidance, which never solves things really.

Do you see a therapist? In my effort to help with my healing I start therapy this week.

If you can, and I know it will be so hard, avoid reacting to her anymore. She did that to get a rise out of you.  Any sane person would have realised how painful that would have been for the other person. What she did was extremely unpleasant. It's called 'rubbing your nose in it'.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on September 08, 2020, 05:25:48 AM
Hello,

Very interesting,

Quote
She replies I live with him now what do you expect.

From the exchange from her and his reaction,

Quote
With a look of fear in his eyes he nodded and said he understood.

I don't think OM wanted to come. Your ex pushed the issue. MLCers like to manipulate others including the other person. Your MLCer used OM to get a rise out of you. Your ex isn't stupid , she should have called in advance-she deliberately made the decision.

It could have been far worse and I think you handled it very well. How did the children take it? The important thing is they didn't do anything in this situation. Your MLCer used OM, and willingly put her children in a volatile situation that she set up. Tell's you a lot about the character and mindset of the MLCer. She sees people as objects to fulfill her own emotional needs. If she really cared for OM, would she have taken him to the drop off? I really don't think he demanded to go otherwise he would have gotten out of the car.

At this point, do you really want to be with someone that would risk the safety of her children to get a rise out of you?

Just some points to ponder,

(((((Ready)))))

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 08, 2020, 09:27:04 AM
Hi Ready and Cheer Heart,

Thanks for the replies. As soon. As I got in the car I apologized to my kids and said I was sorry you had to see that. They said it was ok and they didn't seem to shocked by it.

 It took me hours to calm down I was really spinning and monkey braining. I am glad I put the boundary up I actually feel better about it today than I did yesterday. In the moment sometimes being such a conflict avoidant person when I do explode it's usually the wrong reaction and I ha e regrets. This morning I didn't have any.

  I didn't sleep well but that's ok I had a good rest of the day with the kids and held them close.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Little Wing on September 09, 2020, 10:52:02 AM
Father

I have been where you are and had a boundary with my STBXW that if she ever put OM2 in same space as me, that I would not guarantee that I would not hurt him, even though I did not want to as I would feel that I was controlled that way, drawn back in to a drama that I am long bored of.

STBXW of course knows that I boxed for several years at a decent level and that OM2 could be seriously hurt quite quickly.  OM2 has not been around my kids or around me at all, although she has tried to get a rise out of me in other ways.  Interesting that STBXW cares enough about OM2's safety to keep him hidden, but doesn't give one about protecting me or her kids!

Seems to me that you have nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of - you protected your kids without hurting anyone.  That is no mean feat considering the blatant provocation.

Each time she behaves in this fashion recognize it as evidence of her extreme self-centredness and manipulation.  By seeing her behaviour clearly you can reassure yourself that being separate from her is best for you and your kids for as long as she is this person.

Much Love

LW
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 10, 2020, 09:27:44 AM
     HI Guys,

    Thank you all for all the support and understanding. I haven't slept much in the last few days so I think a good night sleep will do me some good. After our little incedent she went ahead and called her attorney to move the divorce forward. This was expected by me and I am not taken aback by it. There is a large part of me that is crying enough. I can't seem to let go and I know I need to for myself and my kids.

   She hasn't changed what she is asking for in the divorce. She knows what she is asking for isn't going to happen and that I would likely win in court. So we keep up the charade of pretending to divorce but it is the schedule with the kids and it isn't something I am willing or able  to budge on. The divorce doesn't change anything in my life anymore. I realize what I am going to get and am really trying to come to terms with it. So I don't mind waiting this out and putting all of it on her to move it forward.  Something tells me that we will be at this for another year of the back and forth between attorneys.

  I think I am also going to try and find another therapist. I don't feel like I getting anything out of the one I have. I feel like I have been traumatized by all of this for too long. That I should be farther along in the healing process than I am. The mear fact she was able to get under my skin so easily makes me wonder where I am in the healing process. I am still so angry and I wish I wasn't. I am having a real hard time getting over the hurt.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: LBS_Les on September 10, 2020, 10:20:12 AM
I think I am also going to try and find another therapist. I don't feel like I getting anything out of the one I have. I feel like I have been traumatized by all of this for too long. That I should be farther along in the healing process than I am. The mear fact she was able to get under my skin so easily makes me wonder where I am in the healing process. I am still so angry and I wish I wasn't. I am having a real hard time getting over the hurt.

Sorry to hear she's moving forward with the D.

As to the above regarding your therapist, have you tried to learn calming techniques?  Mindfulness, meditation, soothing your inner child?

I have an IC I meet with a couple of times a month.  At times, its just an outlet for me to process what's happening in my mind, others its a way to get guidance on my thought patterns.   But once I uncovered my abandonment issues and codependency, I read books to help shift my thinking.   I learnt about mindfulness and practice it when emotions surface.   I meditate when my thoughts become too much.

There are quite a few apps out there that offer free meditation - some of them offer additional meditations if you pay the monthly/yearly fee, but I find that the guided meditations from Insight timer are very helpful.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 10, 2020, 11:45:31 AM
HI Les,

    Yes I have, I do yoga and meditate often. The only thing that really seems to work is when I run. It calms my anxiaty and helps clear my head. The Yoga and meditatiing is great also but not as good as a run.  I often wonder of some of what I do is avoidance which is what another poster said in an earlier post. I obviously stay away from her because of the hurt. I have yet to uncover my abandonment issues. I wonder if I have blocked something out of my memory. I can't recall anything that stands out as abondonment in my child hood.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on September 10, 2020, 01:15:35 PM
Father, this is like any major loss event. We simply can not take it all in at once. It has to be done in waves. So avoidance is something I believe we all use, until we have managed to parse enough of the overwhelming event. Then we can slowly drop the avoidance, but even then you have to do it in small bits so you don't hurt yourself or re-traumatize the trauma. There is a big difference between facing and releasing the trauma and increasing it by pushing too hard.

So do what you have to do, and handle what you can when you can. This was a pretty major event, it will take a little bit to take it all in. Meanwhile back to basics: be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, do what you need to eat and sleep and remind yourself of your worth, value, what really matters and that these are not healthy and happy people no matter how they act.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: LBS_Les on September 11, 2020, 10:50:25 AM
HI Les,

    Yes I have, I do yoga and meditate often. The only thing that really seems to work is when I run. It calms my anxiaty and helps clear my head. The Yoga and meditatiing is great also but not as good as a run.  I often wonder of some of what I do is avoidance which is what another poster said in an earlier post. I obviously stay away from her because of the hurt. I have yet to uncover my abandonment issues. I wonder if I have blocked something out of my memory. I can't recall anything that stands out as abondonment in my child hood.

Glad to hear you are doing yoga and meditation.

I've learnt that abandonment comes in many different forms.  For me, it was my mother, who I lived with my whole life.   She didn't abandon me per say, but we had a very tumultuous relationship and I often sought her approval (which I didn't receive often).   I've learned from therapy, that in itself is abandonment.

So maybe there was something from your past that translates into a form of it.   A parental figure who worked all the time and was too tired to spend time with you when they got home, a sibling that may have received more attention, etc.   

Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 13, 2020, 10:40:25 AM
I recieved this email today please give me your thoughts on this. Iam spinning a little and wanted some guidence if and when I should respond.


I have been holding off on writing this email because I’ve been too shook up about Monday’s altercation.

Being that it was 105 in CALI on Sunday and we don’t have A/C in the house, it made sense to stay somewhere cooler.  I’m sorry if you were hoping to have the kids at 7:30 on Monday morning, but since it was a holiday, it seemed ridiculous to wake everyone early when there were not classes to attend to immediately.  Thank you for agreeing to 9:00.

I was trying to be helpful by dropping to the kids to you at the warehouse rather than you having to drive to the house.  I realize you weren’t expecting to see OM in the car, but I didn’t think that would be an issue because I was the one to get out of the car and walk the kids to you.

Your reaction to him and myself was startling and very disturbing.  Yelling at OM for “being around you” was out of line.  He was responding to a work text sitting in the car and in no way “around you” or even remotely threatening.  Shouting at me that you "don’t want him around at pick up and drop offs" is valid, but could have been communicated to me by text or email later.  The kids had to witness your anger in an explosive way (as you have done twice before) because you have a hard time controlling yourself.  My communication has been extremely minimal, leaving almost everything as a short text in regards to the kids because I don’t know how you are going to react.

Obviously, OM is in NO way responsible for the reason why I chose to end the marriage.  You and I separated over two years ago in another state because I did not want to be in our relationship anymore. I know you are very angry with my decision.  I hope that goes away at some point, but if you wanted me to stay in a relationship that I didn't want to be in, then I see that as a very sad thought and I hope you can make peace with yourself, myself and move on.

Most importantly, the kids are my biggest concern, and I hope this is your biggest concern as well. Your anger with me is getting in the way of us co-parenting and providing a stable, calm environment for the kids.

OM has asked me for many months that he would like to meet you.  He is very empathetic (in fact the most empathetic) to your situation, being that he has two children of his own, he understands that this is uncomfortable. He hopes that he can clear the air with you and show that he is not a threat to you or the kids.  He has been respectful with my time with the kids, giving us space and time to bond, yet he provides an environment that is comfortable, enjoyable and educational for everybody.

I don’t want this email to anger you, in fact I just want to help provide insight to the situation and keep the lines of communication open especially for the benefit of the kids.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: marvin4242 on September 13, 2020, 11:00:48 AM
Oh father, where to start. Some of it "sounds" reasonable but it is SO script. I specially love the "OM had nothing to do with this, I left you two years ago" horse pucks.

Some of it sounds so reasonable and sane. I mean obviously the OM has empathy for you and wants to "meet you" but it was COMPLETE coincidence he was there.

I know this is hard and I can imagine this hurts. A lot. But see it for what it is. Propaganda, lies and attempts to make herself "seem" reasonable and make herself feel better. So as hard as it is simply ignore it. All of it. Don't take any of it in. That is what I call detaching.

Follow the advice given a lot here: do not reply. Not now, maybe not ever. But definitely not until you are at a place where you see all of the text for what it is. No matter how bad don't think you need to address any of it. Any kind of engagement is counter productive.

See it for what it is. The spinning lies of someone trying to square a really warped circle. Step away if you can.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on September 13, 2020, 02:03:38 PM
I agree with Marvin fwiw.
Your w conveniently glides past a few facts...like having an affair, like the fact that she BD you by text ffs, like the fact that you are not actually divorced yet.

Please ignore this email. You will gain nothing by responding to it.
I would suggest that you do the bare minimum of factual communication related to your kids, let your L handle everything else and do cold grey rock with her. Ask nothing, say nothing, listen to nothing bar factual things. Be a man of very very few words.

Plus....your stbxw seems to miss the point that by leaving she fired you from being her h...which means frankly you don't have to give a stuff about her opinion about anything at all. The price of tea, your feelings, the weather, your life....blah blah blah. And OM is so empathetic...and has long wanted to meet you.... ::)....well, who cares what he wants.  And playing a part in breaking up a marriage with young kids isn't the act of an empathetic person, it's the act of a self-centred pr$ck. Delusional BS.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Maleficent on September 13, 2020, 03:37:28 PM
Father, following along.  I felt the anger and pain when I read about how OM showed up.  I completely understand how you felt, I think we all do.  Agree with the others, ignore her message and do not reply.   The only concern would be with social worker or L if there is a custody battle in the mix if she is setting the stage, but that is a conversation with your L, not her.  Please take care. 
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on September 13, 2020, 06:23:17 PM
Hello,

As I told you in my previous post, she played this card. He email is condescending and nothing but fodder to justify her bad behavior.

Quote
I know you are very angry with my decision.

If she knows you are very angry, why would she bring OM into the situation. Then be surprised because you react with anger. She expects you to text and email her after the fact, but she isn't responsible to communicate to you in advance. She was late dropping the kids off, she dropped them of at a different location, and by the way, I am bringing my something something to the place to because for months he has wanted to meet you.

Yeah right, and I sing better than Marvin Gaye and look better than Ryan Gosling.

I agree with everyone else. She will only use your response against you. I strongly suggest no response and that will get under her skin.

I didn't know we are both out in Cali, we should meet up with Disillusioned sometime and have an LBSer party.

Detach, don't let her play you. The MLCer is a master at manipulation and you don't want to get stuck in her game. Enjoy your evening and be good to the kids and more importantly, be good to yourself.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Watcher on September 13, 2020, 06:44:28 PM
Hi Father5,

I would not respond to her email. She very nicely described how you were "confrontational" and "angry" during the last child exchange. A reply would almost be an admission on your part that her assessment is correct.

The tone of her email is very deliberate IMO. I would say she is even poking you some more in it. Just like she did with bringing OM along for the custody exchange.

She wants you to respond so she can use it against you. Be very careful with her.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Disillusioned on September 13, 2020, 07:09:50 PM
Hello,

As I told you in my previous post, she played this card. He email is condescending and nothing but fodder to justify her bad behavior.

Quote
I know you are very angry with my decision.

If she knows you are very angry, why would she bring OM into the situation. Then be surprised because you react with anger. She expects you to text and email her after the fact, but she isn't responsible to communicate to you in advance. She was late dropping the kids off, she dropped them of at a different location, and by the way, I am bringing my something something to the place to because for months he has wanted to meet you.

Yeah right, and I sing better than Marvin Gaye and look better than Ryan Gosling.

I agree with everyone else. She will only use your response against you. I strongly suggest no response and that will get under her skin.

I didn't know we are both out in Cali, we should meet up with Disillusioned sometime and have an LBSer party.

Detach, don't let her play you. The MLCer is a master at manipulation and you don't want to get stuck in her game. Enjoy your evening and be good to the kids and more importantly, be good to yourself.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

Let's do this!   ;D
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Father5 on September 13, 2020, 08:59:55 PM
Thanks for all of the support everyone! You guys are truly amazing.

   It is amazing how everytime she does something that is going to hurt she tells me when the kids are around. The affair, How she is traveling back to see the OM 3 days later are all the times I have lost my temper. She tells me all of this when my kids are there. When she asked for a divorce the kids where having a sleep over. She is a real piece of work at the moment. Silence is my friend !

  Ready PM me where you are I'd love to meet up with you guys sometime.
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Treasur on September 14, 2020, 01:42:45 AM
You are seeing more of the pattern, Father, as you detach more. And imho that can be useful bc, nonsensical as it seems, it can allow you to predict a little how she is going to likely behave in a divorce process, you can see the story she wants everyone to believe and how she acts to get what she wants. Which means you can safeguard yourself from some of it.

Your feelings are reasonable and understandable. Anger is often a big flag that someone has crossed an important boundary. By all means, feel how you feel. No one, including your stbxw, has the right to tell you how to feel or what to think about her, OM or the situation. But....and it's an important but in an MLC divorce....feelings do not have to be voiced or displayed or acted upon. And keeping your thoughts to yourself allows you to behave as if an objective legal judge were watching....follow the letter of the law, do nothing she could use against you with regard to custody of your kids, say little and stick to the bare logistical facts, keep your parental side of the street as clean as possible without being a doormat to her whims.

Let her think what she wants....no longer your business....don't be afraid or let her bully you but you do you calmly and separately. Other guys here have walked this path with manipulative callous stbxw's; it isn't uncommon with an MLC divorce sadly. As far as I could/can tell, my xh thought that I deserved to be stolen from, lied to and ignored as if i had never existed, as if I was literally nothing as a person, that I deserved to be afraid for my life and sanity......that he believed that did not make it true lol. But it was pointless to try to change that story in his head imho. And much more important that this story did not become mine.  :)

And if it helps, perhaps change the phrase in your head from coparenting to parallel parenting? Bc it is pretty difficult to co-anything with someone who has no respect for your POV, who lies often and takes no responsibility for the effect of their actions isn't it?
Title: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: gman242 on September 14, 2020, 05:28:00 AM
Hey man, good to see a thread from you! I missed most of it over the summer, I'm just catching up now.
Title: Re: Wife is gone wondering if it's an Exit affair
Post by: Thunder on September 14, 2020, 06:10:10 AM
Time for a new thread, Father.   :)