Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: FearNot on May 28, 2019, 10:04:32 AM

Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on May 28, 2019, 10:04:32 AM
Previous Thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10451.0

Well here I am again and it's been a hectic couple weeks!!

THE HOUSE SOLD!! And we should come out ok on it. We got the offer last Sunday. They wanted me out by June 14th. I ended up having to speak to H on the phone regarding this and he was kind enough to have me on speakerphone with his moonbeam. >:( He was a complete ass when I told him that the time frame they wanted me out in wouldn't work. I needed a little more time. His response was, "well haven't you been looking?" I responded "No, actually I haven't really, considering it's been on the market for 8 months. Didn't think I would waste my time looking at places that wouldn't be there." I ended up speaking to him a couple days later and his tune was totally different. Sad how out of touch they are. He had no idea what we owed, what the penalties would me... freaked out about a price that was above what I told him our bottom line was. Just generally has his head really far up his arse or that V@g!n@l hypnosis is really messing with his mind.

Insert meltdown here....and then I had to pull my $h!tee together and figure out my life. This is hard.

Long story short, in the deal I have to be out by June 23rd. The conditions on the house are supposed to be lifted today. I am moving back into the city from my lovely little town, since I can't afford the rent there and the availability is very limited. It was a bit of a challenge to find something available in the short time frame, but I am moving to the top floor of a little house, in a little bit sketchy neighborhood. Not too sketchy hopefully  ::). There is a renter in the basement who seems like a decent guy. The landlord seems very personable and easy to deal with so I think I'm on the right track.

I have been liquidating the extra crap in the house. One of the guys I work with got a really sweet deal on H's precious home theater system. I have to say it brought me a little joy, thinking that had he known what I sold it for.... he would lose his mind!! Lol. But I needed it gone ASAP and there was cash to be had ;D. I've also been enjoying selling of some of the other crap of his!!

The affidavit for spousal has been put on hold for now, due to my financials changing. What a PITA. And get this... the courthouse lost our divorce affidavit 6 times. The lawyers assistant called me to let me know about the hold up. She said she would file it, then file number wouldn't exist, or it was never received, or they gave her a file number and when she went to use it, it didn't exist. She had never had that happen. I know everything happens for a reason, so I am curious as to why that took place  ::). Maybe so he could get served closer to his birthday on June 1  ;D.

My step dad is still in isolation, but he is doing ok. He has some pretty rough days. They finally said that he will never walk again.... hmmm pretty sure I could've told you that over a month ago. My mom is doing alright but is a little ruffled that I am moving back into the city as she doesn't drive there. I live close to the outskirts, so it is possible for her to do!!

Right now, just trying to pack, which is putting a bit of a damper on golf. The positive in that is that I will be able to afford to golf more, once the move is complete.

Well, I think that about sums it up. I don't have anything really prolific and insightful to start this thread with. Just a little morel livin la vida limbo for a few more weeks :D and trying to keep it together. I kinda thought it wouldn't be this hard to walk away after all this time.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on May 28, 2019, 11:20:03 AM
Sweetie, it's always hard to walk away from your home, even if a person choose to do it. 
There's memories, but you will make new ones.

I sure wish they would have given you more time to get out.  There's always so much to do.

I had a bit of an evil grin on my face when you said you were selling his stuff..oh well he wanted this, right?
I hope you'll be happy in your new place, it takes awhile.  Once I got used to me new place and fixed it up the way I wanted it, I loved it.

Sorry to hear about your stepdad, but you already pretty much knew already he wouldn't be walking again.
Still sad to hear.

Well keep us updated on your progress, in between things, just so we know how everything is going.

Big Hug, Fear!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Mitzpah on May 28, 2019, 04:21:25 PM
FearNot,

I am reading along, it is good to see you firmly moving on.

I am glad you have sold your place and found a place to move to - hoping that you will find comfort in a place/space of your own.

Hoping your mom is able to deal with all the changes in her life too. My mother is elderly and widowed, she is finding life tough. She still insists on driving everywhere though. Will your SD be moving into assisted living now?

Hugs to you too!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: megogirl on May 28, 2019, 05:27:51 PM
I kinda thought it wouldn't be this hard to walk away after all this time.

It's not only hard, but it's almost innocuous.

Because you know that your SO is in the throes of MLC, so can't process the magnitude of what they're doing.  So, who really *cares* what a random state has to say?!

I had to live this, but I fully understand it now.  The choice is simply where we will be "remarried" (Courthouse?  Vegas?  Who knows!)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on May 28, 2019, 08:20:21 PM
FN - wow, big changes happening in living arrangements for you!  Hang in there, it sounds like you are on top of everything and dealing with stuff. 

Sorry that there is going to be some down time for golfing, but good to hear that once the dust settles you will be able to do it more often. 

Lost divorce affidavit? Six times?   Sheesh, that seems pretty bizarre, even for bureaucracy! 

Don't get too discouraged with all that packing and the emotions that go with moving.   We're here to support you.   
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on May 29, 2019, 10:37:54 AM
Thank you all for your support and hugs!!

Mitzpah- I'm sorry to hear of the loss in your family and the struggles your mom is facing.These changes are difficult for our parents  :'(  He is still in the hospital and will be going to palliative care unit when space comes available, due to his other illness.

Update:

The glitch.... conditions were extended on the house until 9 pm tonight. They want permits for the deck. That damn deck that has been the bane of my existence since we built that house. This was his dream deck, had to have it and it had to be ridiculous and dug a bigger hole that I never should've agreed too and here it biting him in the ass (and me a little, at least I still get to have a wine on it for now). H had to get a variance permit on it last summer when we listed the house due to the contractor making it a 1 ft bigger (can't exactly remember but it's in an older thread lol) than allowed by the town. He did follow through and do that. When he got it, he told me it was all good. (The following is on me to some degree because when we deal with these people we know they can't be trusted.) I believed it was all good. When he sent the papers to the realtor last night, it states that we were to have an electrical outlet inspected, railing installed and a couple other things and the variance expires in November of this year. So really... it wasn't all good. The twatwaddle probably didn't even reading it.( I'm starting to wonder if he is even literate anymore  :o). Today's text from him was " I hope it will all be ok". Seriously?!?!? I have kept my mouth shut because if I open, I am afraid of what might come out of it. I am grateful that he at least provided the paper work. I have decided that should there be issues with this, inspection needing to be booked, railing done or whatever comes back, it's not my problem. He walked away, he wanted the dream deck, he didn't communicate what the documentation actually entailed , he can deal with it. I'm not taking responsibility for it. It will work out the way that God has planned. But I do still have a burr up my butt that he is such nimrod right now. Lol. I am praying this all works out and that I don't loose the place I have lined up due to this.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on May 29, 2019, 12:10:09 PM
Oh geeez, sorry to hear this hon but you're right, it is his to fix.  You just have to wonder what happens to their brain.   ::)

Hope things go smoothly.  Darn it.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on May 29, 2019, 08:17:09 PM

You just have to wonder what happens to their brain.   ::)


Thunder, you have no idea how many times I have said this or thought it over the last 3 plus years! 

FN - sending positive vibes your way. 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FaithWalker on May 31, 2019, 09:41:46 PM
Attaching

Thinking of you as you move.  That was very much an emotional time in my life after BD.  I'm hoping things aren't too stressful for you.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on June 03, 2019, 02:02:33 PM
Thank you all!

The house deal is officially done. Sold. Moving and moving on. I have been packing and liquidating things because the space I am going to is much smaller. It does feel good to purge. I have 11 days until the movers come. I can't even really put it into words right now. I've been so busy that I don't really have much time to think about it and when I do take a moment, I almost feel blank ( if blank can be a feeling Lol).

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on June 03, 2019, 02:42:51 PM
Yes..bland, stunned, numb..is a good way to express it.

It will take you awhile to wrap your head around all this Fear, but you will.
You will.

Things are moving fast you just need to catch up.

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on June 04, 2019, 03:12:50 PM
One day at a time, FN.  You can only do so much each day, and the emotions are in high gear right now.  Sending support. 

 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 05, 2019, 05:01:33 AM
I remember that day VERY well... sitting in the lawyers office on Ash Wednesday 2016 with STBXW so Hyper-Happy, the new owners looking like the cat that ate the canary (they got a VERY good deal) and me thinking "Well, this is really it. She's managed to destroy everything ."

I started looking for a new place to live the following day since we had until the end of April to vacate....
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FaithWalker on June 08, 2019, 02:18:13 PM
I remember sitting in my house closing with similar thoughts as UM.  Same looks on new owners faces.  The difference was that I'd already vacated.  It was kind of nice to leave him with dealing with the mess of figuring out what to do with the "leftover traces of our lives."
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on June 11, 2019, 09:19:02 AM
That's the great thing about being able to come to this safe place. I know there are others who get how this feels. Dealing with the RL people in this situation is a bit of a challenge. Some have the idea that it's been 1.5 years, no biggie, move on. Shouldn't you be over it by now? I had one person tell me how detrimental it was for me to stay in our home for the last year and a half  ???. I don't feel it was detrimental. I feel like this played out the way it was supposed too, as difficult as it was and is. I had a year and a half (yes it was living la vida limbo) but I don't think I would change it one iota. I was in my home, now I am going to make a new home somewhere else because the time is right.

When this all started, I did everything in my power to stay. I prayed, I begged, I asked the neighbors to let their giant dogs out to sabotage the showings. Funny enough, I spoke with them the other day and they were telling me how they would let the dog out, then holler at it, holler at the kids. In the fall and spring the neighbor dude pulled his Harley out in the drive way, rev it up. They did their best to make a spectacle!! Man that made me laugh!! I'm sad to be leaving them. Such great people.

But in the end, I guess it's going to the right peeps,if they can handle all that! I probably shouldn't even share this but... the morning of the showing, I was very under the weather from some quality time of drowning a few sorrows with my cousin. I didn't even have the energy to leave the house. I grabbed my blanket, pillow, water and a snack and went for a nap in the back of my car in the garage. They didn't even look in the garage that morning. Who knew that would be the showing where the house actually sold.  ::)

So I'm down to the final few days. My mom and uncle came to get some stuff. It didn't dawn on me until the very end when my mom got really emotional, that was the last time they would be there. The tears started, and it's been tough reigning them in every since. I think I can honestly say...this is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The range of emotions is insane. I've been trying to stay at 100 mph because I don't want to think about it...cuz when I do.. it wrecks me.

I was getting ready in the bathroom this morning and thought I only have 3 more days. I managed to work myself into such a tizzy about that, that I ended up being physically ill. So ridiculous.

I know so many of you have already walked this walk, and I am truly thankful for you sharing and supporting!! I know there is light at the end of the tunnel for me...H, well I guess time will tell.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on June 11, 2019, 09:40:05 AM
Ah Fear....so get it.
And the feeling underneath that the time is right for something else too.
I howled like an exhausted baby when I left my greenhouse built as a surprise gift by my father and h. I howled like a child the last time I shut the door on my father's shed and walked away after selling my mother's house. I sobbed intermittently for months every time I had to empty a box or clear away stuff. Everything hurt. And like you I put my head down and kept going. But it still hurt. I felt like I was exhausted in my bones and my heart and my head all at once. Didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Inhaled coffee though lol.
Yet at the same time running away here to the sea repaired my soul. I remember feeling that I could breathe out for the first time for a very long time.

You're tired. It's emotional. But you will get there and There will be better, I promise x
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on June 11, 2019, 09:41:07 AM
Ok Fear, I have to share.

When I moved out it was 101 degrees...hot!!  Bad hot!
We got me all moved in, helpers all left..I was fine all day..laughing, talking...working, after they left I made a drink and got snot-faced drunk that night, all by myself.  I couldn't believe it the next day.

I realized this was so much harder and emotional then I admitted.  Leaving my dogs was the hardest.
So if there are times you need to cry a tear or two, just do it.  This is hard.

I'm sure there are others who have stories too to tell, but you are going to be fine, Fear.

I now LOVE where I live.  It just takes awhile.
Do you have enough people to help you with the move?

{{{Big Hug}}}
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Mitzpah on June 11, 2019, 10:46:18 AM
Fear Not,

It has been a good 23 years since I did any moving... I still remember how traumatic it is, though!

Perhaps the silver lining is knowing that you can move to a place that is all yours now, decorate and arrange it anyway you want, play the music you want...

Probably not much of a help right now as the emotions are running high - I remember stroking/caressing the door posts of our last house (we built it) and thanking God for all the happiness we had there, all three of our kids were born into that house. And, wow, what a mess the new house was for a good three weeks - it was stifling hot too!

I hope it goes as smoothly as these things can go. Just don't overdo things!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 12, 2019, 05:11:54 AM
FN,

I moved in March and got REALLY lucky to hit a few days when it did NOT rain... I was out of one house and into my apartment in 12 hours.... I had my bed set up, my closet, the dining room table and chairs and that was about it. Everything else was either still in boxes, needed to be bought or ordered and built... I was SO tired. I had 2 living room chairs (no couch yet), had sat down and I guess fell asleep. I woke at some point (NO idea how long) in a start and it took me about 5 minutes of blind panic before I actually realized WHERE I was...  That was the first night I had NOT been in the house formerly known as home for 10 years unless it was with STBXW and S/D on vacation...

So, yeah, there will be emotional times...
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on June 13, 2019, 11:39:45 AM
Thank you all for sharing!! It really does help to hear others experiences. Then I don't feel like such a quack.

Thunder- I have hired movers. That was just easier than trying to rely on people who may or may not follow through. I didn't want that added stress.

In an hour and a half I go sign the papers for the sale of our home. I am feeling really apprehensive about this. The lawyer emailed asking when we could come in. I replied with my availability and H was sure to choose a different day.  ::) No surprise there. In my reply to the L I asked that an additional money be held in trust due to us being separated. I did not mention that I am filing for D. Passed on my L info. H replied to same with his L information and just stated that was acceptable. I wonder if this will light a fire under his ass to get things done, so he can get his dollar bills y'all?!?!?

Got the keys to my new place last night. Mixed feelings there as well. My 2 major requirements when looking for a place to live (beside affording it) was that it fit my dining room table (the one nice asset that I held firm in H not taking - he even offered to buy it.. Hell no!) and that I was living above grade. I was a basement dweller for many years (nothing wrong with it) just not what I wanted now. Funny enough, after I looked at the place, gave the deposit I freaked out that my dining table might not fit. I measured last night. Plenty of room. What I did over look is the fact that the log bed I have for the spare room will take up the entire bedroom and that my dresser won't fit in the master bedroom and will live in the bathroom.   ??? Oh well... what's a girl to do. At least my undies will be at the ready when jumping out of the shower. I have a little packing to do and tomorrow afternoon it will be a done deal.

May God give me the strength not to melt down on the movers and if I do, may they have a great sense of humor!! I am a little nervous about that happening . I can only imagine the drama they probably see, so realistically, my meltdown is probably not worthy of consideration. Right? Right! Unfortunately I have no one to be with me while leaving our home. I am trying to decide if that is good or bad. I am going to go with good because I don't really have a choice. Lol. My cousin will be able to meet me when I get to the new place later.

I am looking forward to it just being done. The house papers, the move, and starting a new way of living la vida limbo  :D.

I am supposed to be working right now and I have not accomplished a damn thing today here.  ???

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on June 13, 2019, 12:09:15 PM
Fear, when I moved back in my old house and XH had to go, he was fighting it tooth and nail...he was not leaving!!

I told him we were coming..
Anyway I had to tell the movers there may be a problem when we get there.
They laughed and said not to worry about it, we've seen just about every scenario you can imagine.
So you feel how you're going to feel, they will understand.

I'm sure you will figure out the furniture, it will just take you a little time.  You'll make it nice and homey.
Plants will help a lot.  Do you have a balcony?

Good luck with today, Fear.  Wish I could go with you.  We'll all be thinking about you and sending a little prayer your way.

Biggest of hugs!!! 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on June 13, 2019, 07:48:02 PM
Sending support and encouragement your way, FN.   Hope the move goes okay.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 14, 2019, 02:29:10 AM
FN,

For what it is worth, in Germany, there are no such thing as Built in closets... You buy a cupboard of some sort or a wardrobe or whatever for your clothes. When I moved, the cut of my new apartment is such that my wardrobe no longer fits int he Master Bedroom (or at least not if I wanted to walk between the end of the bed and the wardrobe doors) so it now lives in my study which is the adjoining wall to the BR... So I feel your pain... and, since my bathroom is off the MBR, (and is the size of a postage stamp) I end up doing the naked perp walk between the shower and my clothes... Ironically, the MBR and Study are below grade so I don't have to worry about being seen AND it stays cooler in the summer...
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on June 25, 2019, 12:23:44 PM
Thunder - I have a front porch/step/stoop?!?! that fits a couple chairs and a bbq. There's a shared patio at the back of the house with the giant downstairs!

UM- Thank you, that kinda of spoke to me in a couple ways. It's all about perspective really. Kinda like "looking outside the box" but "your wardrobe can go anywhere with your wardrobe in it, don't limit yourself to a closet" in all sorts of relatable ways  :D!! As for the naked perp walk... I am not below grade and I no longer have the same privacy. I am trying to limit my naked perp walk, but the dresser actually fit in the bedroom... hindsight... would've been easier on the neighbors if it was in the bathroom.  :-\ lol.

Update

<<<<Dusting hands off>>>>

Well, that's done!
It actually went really well. The paper signing was fine. I am glad to be rid of the imbecile realtor. The new people took possession of the house this weekend. I had messaged the realtor to set up getting the keys and garage door opener to him. His response... "leave them on the counter and let yourself out through the garage. The lock box is still there." He couldn't even be bothered to meet after making thousands of dollars off the sale of our house to say  F- all, like a thanks or just make some nice customery servicey type crap up?!?!?. Glad I don't have to communicate with him anymore.

The move...
The movers were awesome, the poor neighbor got the brunt of it. I got my melt down in before they arrived when the neighbor gal gave me a hug on the driveway and sad how said she was for me to be leaving. By melt down, I mean complete snotty, sobbing mess on the neighbors shoulder, who showed some compassion at the right time for the dam to break... Ugly cry... It must've been epic enough because she brought me flowers shortly after to help cheer me up and have something bright in my new place. Too dang sweet. More tears.

The move itself went really well. They did an awesome job, they were very kind and had me from one place to another in 6 hours. My cousin came and stayed with me the first night and helped me unpack. We had a lot of fun. I was glad that she came. She was a huge help getting me settled. She also may have over served me. lol

I have been in the new place just over a week and I am really liking it. The neighborhood seems pretty good, the giant downstairs seems alright. It feels right to be there. I planted a bunch of flowers, got stung by a wasp and had my hand swell up 3x it normal size. I tend to react dramatically to stings. Luckily the EPI pen didn't need to be brought out.  :D. It's 3 days later and still swollen but I don't look like a mutant any more. I am declaring war on that nest!!

I feel very relieved to be done with the sale of our home, as sad as it was. It does feel like freedom. This does feel like my place. I feel like am going in the right direction. It feels gooood!

Today my SD is being moved to a long term palliative care home. This is great news. He will no longer be isolated in his hospital room. It has been very hard on my mom, making all the decisions about it. It finally became very real to here that he wasn't coming home.  :-[. Hard on both of them, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think maybe when the dust settles a little more, I might be a little more emotional about it all, right now, I am tired. What am I going to do with all the worry free time I will have, since I don't have to clean house for showings, SD is going to a good place, things will be leveling out for mom?!?! Not sure, but looking forward to it.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN


Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on June 25, 2019, 12:44:17 PM
Oh Fear I'd rather have a porch than a balcony.  You could get some cute potted flowers out there...AFTER you get rid of the bees.  Your landlord should pay for that. btw.

Anyway I am thrilled you are happy and like your new place.   ;D

Sorry for the epic meltdown (it had to come out), now it's done and dusted!!
You may feel teary at times but the big one is over.  Whew!
Very sweet of your neighbors.

I know you are going to make your place look so cute.

Big Hug hon

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on June 26, 2019, 04:15:04 PM

I think maybe when the dust settles a little more, I might be a little more emotional about it all, right now, I am tired. What am I going to do with all the worry free time I will have, since I don't have to clean house for showings, SD is going to a good place, things will be leveling out for mom?!?! Not sure, but looking forward to it.


Well, I'm going to recommend at least 36 holes of golf with all that extra time! 

So the house craziness is done - good.  It's another thing to put in the past with other memories.   We just keep moving forward FN.  That's all we can do. 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on July 03, 2019, 01:19:36 PM
Thanks Thunder! The flower pots are planted  ;D!!

SB- If it would stop raining here for a dang minute I would administer your recommendation!

It's been pretty quiet the last little while. I am feeling more at home. Something has been occurring since I moved that I forgot what it was like to experience in the last year and a half. I have actually been sleeping through some of the nights (fairly regularly). I have never been a great sleeper to begin with, but it was more of a falling asleep than staying asleep issue. Since H peaced out it became both. I rarely have slept through the night since BD. It has happened now on several occasions ???. I think that's a good sign. I think that perhaps I can relax a little easier in my own space, knowing it is mine. H has no idea where I live, he can't walk in at any moment... and I think the important part... I am not expecting/hoping that he will. I don't have that need to listen for the garage door opening constantly. It's funny, well not really, but I realize now that I was living like that. Fully expecting that he could show up at any given moment. I didn't really comprehend the stress of that. I just wanted to stay in our home so badly. I don't regret staying there for the year and a half, but I am realizing that perhaps it did affect me a little more than I was truly aware of.

It was a long weekend here in canuck land and it was pretty tame. Rain, rain and more rain. I went to Pentatonix concert and really enjoyed it. Tried golfing on Monday and got rained out, so I took the afternoon, sat on my couch curled up in my blanket, watched numerous episodes of crap tv that I have on the PVR, ate ice cream & potato chips for supper and went to bed at 8:30. It was great!! It has been a long, long time since I did NOTHING. It kinda made me realize how tired I am. Not sure if that's good or bad. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on July 03, 2019, 01:34:57 PM
Good to hear, FN. I didn't sleep through the night until I moved here a year ago. Tbh I think we don't realise the strain until we feel safer again  ;)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on July 09, 2019, 01:50:27 PM
I 100% agree with you Treasur!!

Well let get this party started!!

Finally heard back from the L. The counter offer that I received from H was absolutely ridiculous. Basically it was I keep my half for what we made on the house(which wasn't much) and he keeps his half, He'll give me  $5k and I just go away. It also included that our marriage/relationship was only 6 years. Not sure how H arrived at the number. We owned our first home for 7 years together and the second one for 3 years. Technically we didn't make it to 5 years married, since he peaced out prior, so that's not where he's getting the number. We met in Jan 2007, moved into together in June 2007, married Jan 2013 and he left Dec of 2017.They really aren't good at mathing!! Lol. Needless to say, I won't be accepting the offer. It felt like a real punch in the gut. More so the fact that we were together 11 years and I guess you just get to automatically erase 5 of those?!?! For why? Because you worked away from home so they don't count? Because maybe you weren't invested the last 5, then why the heck did we get married at that point?I truly don't understand where the 6 years comes from. A number pulled out of H's arse? Sorry this is me venting my anger, hurt and shock. I know this is just the beginning of negotiations. It sure does bring the frustration to the surface quickly though.

I have an appointment for a call with my L Thursday morning to discuss. I have zero intentions of backing down on this. I have dug myself a big hole over for the last year and a half for his benefit and I am not willing to do that anymore. Not because I want to be vindictive or play the victim card but because I need to watch out for myself and all I am asking for is what is entitled by law. I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not have to sacrifice my well being whether financial, emotional, socially etc for him. It won't make the MLC shorter, it won't bring him back and honestly I don't think it pushes him any further away because he has pretty much vanished. Am I being crazy? I feel a little crazy. It feels mean to counter back. I have tried so hard to approach this with as much grace as possible, but when I stand up for myself for these things, it makes me feel like I am being that "woman who is taking him for everything he's got". Which is his words ringing in my ears from last year, and I know it's not true. That's not what this is at all. It all just feels so crappy.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Father5 on July 09, 2019, 02:23:42 PM
Hi fearnot,

  We are very similar timelines. Together 12 years married five. I am getting left high and dry. The cash I brought onto the relationship is considered mutual and her assets are considered brought into and not mutual. If you don't get very penny you are entitled too you will be fooling yourself. Your anger and resentment will only build as you realize you will have nothing at our age to fall back on. Please do not risk it and go after every penny you can get. Life is short and he will just spend it on the O/W if you let him have it all. I am not saying this out of anger to you but they aren't thinking clearly and they definitely aren't thinking about us! You look out for #1 now!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on July 09, 2019, 02:54:37 PM

I have finally come to the conclusion that I do not have to sacrifice my well being whether financial, emotional, socially etc for him. It won't make the MLC shorter, it won't bring him back and honestly I don't think it pushes him any further away because he has pretty much vanished. Am I being crazy? I feel a little crazy. It feels mean to counter back. I have tried so hard to approach this with as much grace as possible, but when I stand up for myself for these things, it makes me feel like I am being that "woman who is taking him for everything he's got". Which is his words ringing in my ears from last year, and I know it's not true. That's not what this is at all. It all just feels so crappy.


FN - I hear you.  In fact, there are probably many here that felt just like you're feeling right now.  I started out feeling that way but it didn't take long for me to re-think things, especially after I landed here. 

I needed to make sure that I was getting my share of what I put into this relationship (and that was much more in dollar form than he had!). It became pretty clear, pretty early, that my MLCer wasn't going to look out for me or my interests.  Well, okay then....I'm an educated grown woman and I needed to pull it together and look out for me! 

I think you'll know what is fair and what is greed.  Do what needs to be done for you to get what you are rightly entitled to.  Keep us posted. 

How's the golfing?  I haven't even taken my clubs out yet!   :(
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on July 09, 2019, 03:08:00 PM
Fear, try to stay calm.  I know this is truly upsetting but remember his lawyer is only trying to get the best deal for is client.  Yours will do the same.  Just wait until you talk to him/her.

My H's lawyer did the same thing to me.  The offer was ridiculous.

Big Hug Hon!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on July 10, 2019, 12:16:15 PM
Father5- Thank you for your advice! Sorry that you have ended up here with the rest of us.

SB- Thanks for reiterating what I needed to hear! I do know what is fair and H does not have my interests in mind! Get those clubs out girl!!! I got rained out on Sunday and I was on fire, if I do say so myself!!lol. Supposed to be playing 9 tonight, forecast is rain. Hopefully it passes. Another tee time on Saturday, forecast, more rain  >:(. I think I should just wear my swim suit, get a rain glove and go for it...unless of course there is lightening!

Thunder- I really should've expected ridiculous all things considered! Lol. That does seem to be the common thing around here!!

I think I'm getting my head wrapped around this.

I spent sometime going over the affidavit and have my questions and responses ready for my conversation with the L tomorrow morning. I am feeling better about it. I know in my heart of hearts I am not being vindictive or greedy (thanks for reminding me SB that I do have a conscious and I do know right from wrong) and that it's ok for me to ask for what I am entitled to. I can't let his words of me "ruining his life/taking him for everything he has" have any bearing on what needs to be done. Those words are not who I am and regardless of what I do or don't do, there is a good chance H will think that anyway. I can't control what H thinks, does or says, but I know who I am and how I have treated him during our relationship, marriage and this last year and a half and it has been with grace and kindness. I have nothing to regret, and I am not going to regret not standing up for myself because of the fear of what H is saying. The more I thought about it the more I realized that under all of it the root was fear. Fear that he might think differently of me, that he wouldn't love me. The fact of the matter is, he doesn't know me anymore, I don't know him and whether he loves me or not, now or later, has no bearing on this. This is business (like Seahorse says in her thread)

I allowed the response to steal my peace but I don't have to have it that way. My peace comes from God and within myself. Not from H and the L's and the dealings working out. Is there still some melt downs ahead...yup pretty sure there might be, but this crap, this response they sent, doesn't define what our R was, it doesn't define me, it doesn't discredit what was. Whether H thinks it's 6 years, 2 years, 20 years, whatever. I KNOW. I know how long we were together. I know our history and this is just another moment where he is rewriting it. I guess in some ways I should feel blessed that I managed to get 5 years more out of the R than he did. lol. There's a lot of great memories throughout that time. I get to have all 11 years. He's only got 6!! Tee hee hee!!

I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, and that there isn't going to be WTH moments, hours, or days throughout this process, but I am going to do my very best to honestly treat it as business. I think maybe it was Acorn who said something about putting your R and H in a box up on the shelf... I'm gonna try pack that up, and do just that. I think I have just enough room in my spare room closet for it.  :)

Hugs N Prayers.
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on October 15, 2019, 12:30:30 PM
So it's been awhile and I've got a bit of rambling to do. Just coming here to spew my stuff, since it seems like my best option. It served me well for a long time so I figured I might as well try get this stuff outta my head and heart.

I've been in the new place for awhile and it's taking a little more adjusting than anticipating. Initially it was good, I was good. I was able to decorate and organize they way I want it, make it all mine. Telling myself and those around me how grateful I was to be there , that I have a roof over my head, it's decent place, all works out the way it should, and yet within, I had never felt less grateful, sad and longing for life I once had. I had my golf happening and work was in full swing. I was busy, busy, busy and then it stopped. My ladies golf network wrapped up, worked slowed down, some big changes at work announced, friendships fading/changing/ending and the silence came. And now... I don't know. I'm struggling.

I've spent the last month my own head space, trying to look within, and realizing that my issues seem to run a little deeper and wider than I really ever knew. Forget about H outrunning his FOO issues, turns out I've had my sneakers on for awhile. I have managed to keep myself very occupied with golf, crafts,friend drama, trying to make new friends, working harder, mirror work, galing and generally anything that would take my attention from what I really had going on inside. When everything came to a halt... and I have no craft room/tee time/piles of work to run to I came across a lot of time on my hands and  some very uncomfortable feelings creeping in. I also ended up having ample time to look at how/why I was relating to some of the different relationships from  family, friends, acquaintances in my life and was in need of making some changes. I finally think the time has come to stop, be still, face this crap and find some healing. It's been almost a year since the book on Co Dependency made a debut in my life. Almost a year since I became aware of how this related to me and almost a year of continuing the vicious cycle (albeit with some changes  :)).

More later

Hugs N Prayers
FN

Hugs

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on October 15, 2019, 08:06:12 PM
Boundaries aren't my strong point. I've been working on that for awhile now and it really is a work in progress, filled with a lot of frustration. I have realized in the last little while that I don't really want to set boundaries with people, because then when they cross them, I would have to address it. If I address it and they don't like it, there is the chance that they will walk away and well...abandonment. I have a hard time dealing with that or not dealing, truth be told. If someone told me prior to the last couple months that I had abandonment issues, I would've disagreed. Said that I dealt with my childhood crap and I'm all good. Today, there's things creeping out of the past that I had never really allowed myself to really think about, let alone feel.

I recently had a friendship end and it sent me reeling and down the path to try figure out the whys and what my role really was. I finally had the courage to enforce a boundary and the friendship came to crashing halt. The negative- I've lost a friend. The positive- I made a big step in upholding a boundary that meant something to me for once, it's caused me to do a lot of soul searching, and has made me aware that I have some underlying issues that I need to get a reign on.

I read the co dependency book last year and I totally related to it.  I think somehow I thought by just reading it, it would somehow resolve the issues within me by osmosis  :-\. I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people. But I do. I really do and it sucks to realize it. It was how I made myself feel worthy, validated and less insecure about the possibility of someone walking away. If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right? Ya they can, they do, they will, H did and others before him. It's pretty skewed thinking that I can control my world in that way. I am finally grasping that this doesn't work and trying  to get to a place where this doesn't happen. Where I don't chose or draw the people that are great projects to be fixed/helped and I can do so much for them and they'll see how great I really am.(shaking my own head)That's not where my worth/value or identity is and damn it's exhausting. I know it starts with dealing with my brokenness and using this quiet time to really reflect on that, instead of being distracted by doing for the sake of avoiding. I think this is probably where the saying "you can't outrun your past" might come in to play.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on October 18, 2019, 05:00:44 PM
Fear, how you described yourself is exactly how I think I was, too: "If I do enough, if I do it to perfection, if I take it all on, leave them wanting for nothing, they are going to NEED me, because I am indispensable. They couldn't possibly walk away, when I do so much for them, right?" This is how I thought for so many years, and probably as a child, too.

Just like you, I now realized that it got me nothing. As much I like to look after my loved ones and have them want for nothing, I'm not doing it as much any more. The lack of appreciation has finally got through to me. But it's not that simple.

This: "I am a fixer and caregiver  but didn't really get that it was what I identified with, found my self worth in and in a lot of ways how I controlled things and people."

I thought I was doing it for my family, but I was doing it to feel good about myself. I realize now that they didn't ask me to do everything, I took it upon myself, then begrudged them for not being grateful or for not doing like me.

Great lesson Fear. Thanks for pointing this out to me with your candor.   
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on October 21, 2019, 01:13:33 PM
Milly- It's a tough realization to come to and I too have been doing this since childhood, unasked, but begrudgingly as well. This journey is a not an easy one and there is a lot to learn at every twist and turn. Big hugs!!

One of the questions that I came across in the last little while, while reading about childhood issues was " Did you ever feel like you weren't trusted as a child?" I had never really thought about that much until I read that question. When I started journaling, I realized that there was one very significant incidence at 16 where I wasn't trusted and it had a major impact for me over the years. At 16 I had been dating a fellow for 6 months, went to the Dr. on my own, to find out about birth control. Nothing had happened at this point, but I wanted to be smart about it. I didn't take my health care number with me and they sent a bill to my home address for the visit. My mom opened it (initial breaking of trust), freaked out, made a bunch of assumptions and ultimatums. I tried to tell her otherwise, she wouldn't believe me. The end result I moved out at 16.5 yrs of age, in with my boyfriend, and lived with him for a number of months before I ever took that step. That's probably oversharing.... ???

 That move affected a lot of things in my life and there were a lot of consequences. I had to work very hard to graduate, pay rent and endured ridicule at school for living with my boyfriend and his cousin, a place I didn't fit in initially and certainly not after that. (There's a lot I gained from it as well, I've always had a great work ethic, been able to support myself etc.) But I had never really allowed myself to consider the negative effects of that. How it really affected me that my mom just would not believe me. That I was trying to live according to the morals/values that I was brought up with but still try to be a smart, responsible 16 year old, because you aren't always as strong as you think. I thought I was ( and I was) doing the right thing by being prepared, informed, taking initiative not to be unsafe,prevent teenage pregnancy if I decided on a different choice down the road. In my mom's mind I was already guilty. That 16 yr old girl still hurts from this. When it comes to trusting myself and others, I think this has some answers as to why I don't think I make good decisions for myself.

 I think I have 2 choices here. Have a conversation with my mom, let her know she was wrong about me, maybe she will believe it, maybe not, but I'd get to say my piece OR truly let it go, forgive her and myself (which I think is a big part of it) and move forward. I'm not sure what avenue to take here, but I know I do have to make a choice.

I have never given myself credit for making an informed decision at 16 and sticking with it for long time. It wasn't a bad decision. It was a smart decision given I grew up in a household where you sure as heck did not discuss those things and here I am at 47, still kid less (by choice). Guess I at least got that part down pat!! ;)

These days, I still feel like I don't trust myself in making good decisions regarding my personal life. I realize there is more to work through now, dealing with H's betrayal, but it's time to deal with some of this residual stuff that's been there in the back of my head. That 16 year old girl was pretty awesome and smart and deserves some credit and so does the 47 yr old. It's just working through the crap to get there.

My faith is a big part of my life, but even in that, I am realizing I have a lot of work to do, especially in the area of trust and worthiness (mine). Good thing He's patient and understanding cuz He's got a bit of a project on his hands here.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on October 22, 2019, 04:33:19 AM
Fear,

I think that would be a big step in your healing to discuss this with your mother.  It may be something she needs to talk about too.
Having your daughter move out at such a young age had to have had a big impact on her.

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of inner work on yourself.
I think this happens to a lot of us when we go through something like this, and it changes us...sometimes dramatically, sometimes in just small ways, but they are good changes.

Hugs
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on October 24, 2019, 02:21:41 PM
Thunder-That's a great point!! I have never really thought about the impact it had on her (now who's the self centered one  :o Yikes!). Thank you for bringing that up. She was just newly married to my step dad at that time as well. There is probably a very interesting conversation to be had, and it will probably be nothing like what I anticipate in my head.

So while googling all sorts of things about dealing with your past/healing/ moving on/self reflection and instant pot recipes, I came across some really interesting questions. I decided to write them out and journal my answers (they are in my real journals that my BFF has been tasked with burning should I leave this world) and they really made me think about things. Some of the questions I am still working on. A glimpse of the reflections will/are shared here, and a lot of it is just a little too much to put out there.  But I'm gonna leave them here and maybe there will be value in them for someone else. The one thing I know, is that even a few months ago... I wasn't ready to answer these. That in itself lets me know I am heading in the right direction.

Did you lie to yourself about what was happening in your relationship?
Did you lie to yourself about any relationships in your life?
Did you ignore what emotions were screaming at you and chose to tell an acceptable story?
Did you grow up in a family where members had lied, family secrets prevailed or false appearances were created?
Have you ever felt guilt or taken blame in your life previously? (LBS might need a few pages for the MLC'er accusations here  ;))
Have you ever been very fearful about what people think of you?
What truly is the way you think about yourself, your own rights and worthiness?
What are your levels of self talk? Are they loving or condemning?
Did you grow up in a family where you were not trusted and even blamed for what went wrong?
Do you have a relationship with yourself?
Do you really love and cherish yourself?
Do you really commit to yourself, meaning self care and self emotional support?
Was your family one which did not include regular displays of love and affection and did not nurture within you the deep feelings that you were loved?

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on October 28, 2019, 12:42:37 PM
Fear - I could hug you right now - not because of any deep wisdom you shared but because I finally found you again - I thought you had dropped off while all along it was I who somehow missed the connection to a new thread and missed all the moving and selling the house and I am so, so sorry that I wasn't there to support you but I see many of the other more diligent peeps here were right there for you. I feel terrible for missing all of it. Please forgive me.

Anyhow.....I am all caught up now and wow - what a few months you have had. This journey sure isn't for the weak hearted, is it ? But as always you show such strength and courage and are always a wonderful inspiration to me.

And excuse me, if I chuckle just a wee bit......and I only chuckle because I have been right there....thinking that we have dealt with our own childhood issues and then out of nowhere BAM there they are because we really didn't deal with them at all. At least I didn't....I thought I was all done and cool with my father leaving us and mother becoming a raging alcoholic and that I was a fine upstanding citizen now.....it only took my H MLC to show me just how not dealt I was with all those issues.

And who would have ever thought Co-Dependency was the word....not me - since I clearly didn't think I had an issue.....and then I read Melodie Beattie's books about Co-Dependents and they all showed me that yes, I had an issue and was repeating patterns from child hood to 'earn' being loved by being perfect and compliant.

And that is the main thing I still struggle with. Finding my own worth.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on November 15, 2019, 02:08:19 PM
S66 - Nothing to forgive, just big hugs to you! We all get a little lost on here sometimes! I totally hear you on finding your own self worth. That is not an easy task. I spent years placing that in H and many other things. Change isn't easy but it is necessary to move forward.

Not much has been happening besides spending time with the most awesome person I know...me. Lol. I decided to throw some of my crafts in a sale and I have a couple weeks to get everything together. Time crunch!! I also am not sharing a work office right now. There was some big changes at my work in October and  initially I didn't handle it well. The gal that I have shared an office with for 7 years and has been one of my biggest supporters/ sounding board/ and hugger was promoted to a different position. That required her moving out of our office. We were both devastated when we realized we were being split up, as she too has gone through quite a bit in the last couple years. I cried for 2 days at work as did she. I was a complete disaster. It then dawned on me that perhaps I was over reacting and that it all had to do with the feeling that I was losing her/being left. The reality was (and go ahead and laugh) she was moving next door... It's not like I would never see her again, but it "felt" like it was going to be life altering (I have a difficult time with change Lol). Of course the dynamic has changed, we don't get to spend hours talking about stuff as we work, but she still here when I need her. And that is when life reinforced that I have a little more work to do!!

In other news, my SD is doing better. He spent a few days in the hospital getting his heart meds adjusted but is back in his new home. He was excited to go back which was great to hear. Tonight I am going to see "The Hiding Place" with my mom. It's a live theater production. On Monday my previous office mate and I are invited to join the Christmas Party of one of the companies I use. They are taking us to see Shaun Majumder (comedian), so that should be fun as well.

I just finished reading the book "Soul Care" and it's given me more to think about, more to work on, but a great guide(for me) to deal with some issues. I haven't heard a peep from H. I contacted my L the other day to see if there was a date for Judicial Review and we are still waiting. So since H was on my mind I decided to creep OW IG account and saw a pic of them at Halloween. It made me really sad to see how run down and unhealthy he looks, and that's not because he was in a costume  :-\. He didn't even look like the man I married.  :(. I was able to not wallow in it. I came, I creeped, I saw, I closed, I moved on to something else... Progress.

So the big news... I booked a trip to Cuba in January. SOLO. I am terrified but a little excited. Still kind of processing the feelings. I haven't traveled alone, so this is definitely new territory for me. I felt strongly that this was something that I needed to do. I might feel differently when it comes time to board the plane. Lol.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on November 15, 2019, 06:46:36 PM
Nice update, FN. 

Good for you on that Cuba booking. 

I've learned to travel alone and it's been an adjustment but I'm getting there. 

I still don't look for any signs of my MLCer and the owifey.  Pretty sure it would hurt too much for me so good for you that you sailed through that. 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on November 16, 2019, 07:16:08 PM
Cuba - sounds exciting!!
Glad that SD is doing better and you sound so at peace.
How awe inspiring that you can creep on OW and then be done and not go into monkey brain mode.

Do you have a secret on how to get your mind back on yourself ?
Since my H is contacting more now, every contact throws me out of balance and I’m so wobbly now and need to find balance again.

What kind of crafts are you taking to the fair ?
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on November 19, 2019, 10:24:40 AM
SB, what would be your best piece of advice for travelling alone, besides safety issues? Frankly, I think it is better to just not look...but curiosity killed the cat, right?!?!? One day it will bite me in the ass, I am sure! Lol.

S66, I don't have a secret really. My focus has definitely been on healing what's within me, my issues, my past. A lot of ME and God. I've spent a lot of my time reading books pertaining to my faith and healing, journaling, and dealing with my thoughts. That has made it easier to put the focus back on me.

 My situation is very different from yours. I haven't laid on eyes on H in over a year. I had a couple very brief phone calls dealing with the selling the house. We didn't even sign the papers together, he made sure to avoid me. He has completely vanished from my life. How he managed to Houdini himself right out of it, still baffles me somewhat! For me, the move has been a catalyst of shifting my thinking. It really made me realize that I am on my own now. I can't count on him in anyway, shape or form. This is my life and I am getting the hang of living like he's not coming back. I often think of when I first met H and wanted nothing to do with him. I had been single  and very independent for a long time. That's where I am headed again. Doesn't mean that I am not open to reconciliation. It's not that I don't feel anything when I looked at the pics of H and OW. I had a mixture of feelings, but the resounding one was just sadness for both of them. I also think it helps that he looks nothing like the man that I fell in love with and married. It's almost is like looking at OW as being with someone completely different. I don't know her BF cuz he doesn't resemble much of my H anymore.

Now it will be a completely different story when the date for judicial review is set and I have to see them in court. When I think about that, it makes me feel sick.

I think  being in your situation would be extremely difficult and challenging. I can't say that I wouldn't feel the same you do when if I had to run into H. Balance is difficult in life as it is and certainly a big challenge in this situation for you. I lean on my faith. That's where I find my peace, but there are days where I don't feel that either and those are the days I really struggle, but I put on my music, or listen to an inspirational message (and funny enough it generally relates to whatever I have going on)  Nothing is easy about this. You have done a tremendous job and have really showed your strength. Wobbles happen. Just like the old toys (1970's)... Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!! That's you S66!

I am making a variety of wreaths, deco mesh angels, blinging some hats... generally trying to get rid of the crap in my tiny storage room :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on November 26, 2019, 08:11:01 AM
Off to a great start to Tuesday! I wiped out on the ice on the road in front of my house. I totally did the bambi. I had a heck of a time trying to stand back up. Scraped up my knuckles and banged up my knee and elbow. So graceful  :'( and then a charming email awaiting me from H.

So after crickets for a number of months H has resurfaced with a request. He hopes I'm doing well and he would like to settle out of court  ::). Heck, me too! BUT.. His deal is that I take what little we made on the house, AND I pay for the divorce AND I pay transfer fees out of that money and we call it even (no mention of any other assets etc), because if we go to court that will eat up all the money we made (or is is because he will end up having to pay what is required by law?!?!  ::)). I am going to wait to respond, because I don't think what I really want to say is what I should be responding with.  They really do come up with some doozies!!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on November 26, 2019, 08:21:02 AM
Oh geez Fear, so that was the best offer he could come up with???   ::)
Yeah you better not answer just yet.  ha ha

Sorry about your fall, hope you're not too hurt.
The Bambi comment made me laugh out loud.   ;D
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on November 26, 2019, 11:07:32 AM
Sorry about he Bambi fall, Fear. I hope you're not too sore tomorrow.

Re your H's request to settle out of court the way he wants it or else...These MLCers are so boring. They think they can scare monger us into doing things quickly the way they want or we will end up with nothing because of their D? My H does this, too. What they don't get is that we are not that person they left. They, unfortunately, are still the person they were when they left.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 27, 2019, 03:52:50 AM
Rule of Three application right there....

You mean this one?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/Uc5BiqaQ87Sk8/giphy.gif)

Ouch!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on November 27, 2019, 04:19:21 AM
Quote
.These MLCers are so boring.

Now this is a great example of realistic detachment lol...go Milly  :)
As we refind our sense of self and normality, the MLC stuff becomes both predictable and frankly rather dull. Even a bit silly.
The key I suspect is a combination of losing our fear and no longer feeling a need to tell them how stupid their behaviour is....
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Philadelphiagirl on November 27, 2019, 05:16:26 AM
I agree Milly and Treasur, it does become boring and silly! I am still working on losing my fear FN and am enduring similar scare tactics. You got this!!!! It is all so very, very predictable!

Sorry to hear about your fall, sending support, PG xxx
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on November 27, 2019, 09:44:54 AM
You peeps are right. It is scare tactics, predictable, and a waste of breath to try explain their behavior. Thank you for the support and encouraging words.

UM- Yup, it was pretty much just like that. Awkward!

I woke up pretty stiff and sore this morning. These old bones aren't meant to fall down. The blessing was that I had made a tulle angel with a glass ornament head for my co worker. I was carrying it when I wiped out and did everything I could so she wouldn't break. She made it... lol.

I wrote H back. I knocked a little off of what the L suggested asking for, told him I'd acquiesce on a couple other things that wouldn't make or break me and mirrored his sentiment that "I feel this a very fair offer".  :D

I had an answer within minutes, telling me that we agree on everything but spousal (which is some progress). Therefore we are at odds because my L thinks I'm entitled and his L thinks I'm not. Then went on to state that we could go to JDR and there's a chance that I would get absolutely nothing in spousal and of course the cost of it. Let's work this out. Sure there's a chance that could happen. But there's also a chance that I would get it... or a portion of it. More scare tactics. I really don't know what to reply because it's just going in circles. I was thinking a simple "Yes that could happen and I guess we are at odds. Life's a gamble (he loves to gamble), guess I'll roll the dice on this one." because I really have nothing to say. I'm gonna sit on it for awhile before replying or maybe not even reply.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 29, 2019, 05:27:52 AM
Sort of like accident insurance.... The insurance company is gambling that you'll never make a claim and just pay them lots of money in premiums. You, on the other hand, are gambling that you will make a claim that will equal or exceed what you are paying them in premiums...

I personally think the odds are probably more in your favor...

Note to H:
(https://media.giphy.com/media/c2pOELjarKcU/giphy.gif)

Let you lawyer reply... That is what they are there for...
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on November 29, 2019, 06:14:22 AM
Fear, I understand you want to make things fair, but please think future/down the road when accepting anything.  Once it's done you can go back and redo it.  Think only what is best for you and your future. I'm sure he is.

If your lawyer thinks you should ask for xyz, then he knows the probability of it being accepted by the courts is good.

I also agree with UM, maybe just say you will run it by your lawyer and he/she can let you know what they think of the offer.

Hugs
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on November 29, 2019, 06:19:57 AM
I'm glad you waited before replying. 

I also think you get legal advice. 

Getting any snow there?   Have one we just finished and another one due to hit Saturday.    :(
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on November 29, 2019, 06:38:52 AM
 :(
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 02, 2019, 08:25:11 AM
Perfect one UM! I think that should just play on loop in the background when we go the the JDR. Lol. I also like your analogy!!

Thanks for the support SB and Thunder I decided not to negotiate any more.

This was my reply: "Well I guess we are at odds then. There is a formula that they use to determine spousal and the splitting of assets etc (as I am sure you are well aware of).  If I was indeed not entitled to it whatsoever, then my L wouldn't even bother to request it.  I think it is in my best interests perhaps to let the courts decide. They can be the ones to go over the financials and documentation as to what transpired in the last year and a half, as well as the 11 years together and make a call. I am really not too concerned, I am in no rush.  Cheers, FN"

I didn't get a response from H. But what I did get this weekend was a text from MIL wondering how I am? I haven't heard from her since last Feb when I wished her Happy Birthday and got a thanks back. I answered vaguely as she usually tends not to engage much past that. Then she wrote me all about FIL back surgery, Grans new home, Grans been sick (all things I already knew cuz Gran wrote me). I replied that I hope things calm down for them ,less stress and that everyone receives the healing they need. She wasn't done yet. Then she wanted to know if I see my friends, did I find a church, ohhh and the best one yet... have I started dating?! I responded with I'm keeping busy as always, I haven't found a local church yet but continue online and have no interest in dating. Fishing Expedition perhaps, in light of just having contact with H?!?!?

Well December is upon me. I woke up in  a snit this morning and trying to shake it off. I've got to get this negative December garbage out of my head. I'm struggling with the approach of 2 years since BD. Christmas was never really my deal to begin with, certainly not a fan now, but it's not like I can get around it. I don't have the option of crawling into a cave and emerging on January 1. Although that would be nice... wonder how many bags of Cheetos I'd need to get through it? And Prosecco! Lol.

I spent 2 hrs yesterday scraping hardened laundry soap encrusted with cat litter off the floor of the laundry room ( I don't have a cat). I made the mistake of vacuuming under the edge of the dryer and heard the vacuum pick up all sorts of stuff. Stuck the little edger thing under a little further and came up with a pink chewed up nail brush ???  Can't just leave that alone, so I pulled out the washer and dryer and wish I had once more listened about how "Curiosity killed the cat..." There was caked on, dried up laundry soap from who knows how long ago,with kitty litter, a lot of lint and some mysterious other liquid that was unidentifiable (other people unidentified stuff is gross). It was so disgusting! Needless to say after folding myself behind the laundry machines to get this done, I could barely unfold myself. What a pain in the patooty. When I first moved into the rental I spent a couple hours cleaning laundry soap out of where you're supposed to put liquid bleach in the washing machine...now I know where all the laundry soap leaked.   :-\ Bright side- it's done now and I don't have to worry about doing it again because I know where the soap goes!!

Dropped my items off at the craft sale Friday night and I am hoping I have nothing to bring home!!

We've had a couple dumps of snow but they have melted. This weekend was cold with a skiff of snow but we are supposed to be above zero this week. Considering it's the beginning of December we don't have much, I am A-OK with it!! There's a lot shoveling at the new place and the basement troll (renter downstairs) doesn't seem to be inclined to do much. Less snow we get the better off I am  :)

Hugs N Prayers,
FN



Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on December 02, 2019, 09:28:49 AM
Fear, not too surprising you got no reply.  He probably thought...dang, foiled again!
I really liked how calm you sounded.  I'm in no hurry...ha ha

Your mil is not too sneaky, is she?  It sounds like the whole contact was about asking you if you were dating.  I couldn't even imagine my mil (RIP) ever asking me if I was dating yet.
Hmmm...who really wants to know?   ::)

Well dear, hope your little snit mood is over.  Although it sounds like you had ample reasons to feel that way.

Good luck on selling your items!

Hugs
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on December 02, 2019, 12:31:42 PM
I love your reply and am so proud of you for not caving and trying to make it easy on him.
You go girl.....and you must have done a very elegant fancy triple tooloop if you managed to not break a glass head on that angel...had it been me that head would have been smashed to smithereens.
Really - MIL - like that's not obvious at all on what you are doing ? I swear they think we are all as dumb as they become when they walk out. More kudos for replying casually and not revealing nothing and even more Kudos for not calling her out on her pathetic little snitch move.

I am with you on the not much of a December fan. Christmas was never fun while growing up and it is even less fun now without MLC. So, if you bring the Cheetos I will bring the wine and we can find a cave somewhere to hide out in.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 05, 2019, 08:17:51 AM
I am happy to report that the snit is over. I am going for a massage tonight to work out some of the repercussions of my wipe out!

One thing I noticed in dealing with H last week and MIL. The urge to answer immediately is long gone. I think that is a good sign. Not that there isn't some anxiety when the messages are received, but in the past I would've answered both right away and I would've answered from a more emotional place. This time I was able to process the emotion, then answer and felt no need to cave to H's requests. Progress  :)

When I spoke to my mom (bless her heart she is cup is half full kinda gal) about the MIL text. She said, do you think perhaps she was asking more for herself, because she was a) wanting to know that I had moved on and found happiness after what her turd son did or b) wondering because she still has hope that turd son might get his life back together and go back to the best thing that ever happened to that family because, the proof is in the puddin' that the OW is bat snot bonkers and I was an awesome DIL. I never thought of it that way. I just immediately went to fishing expedition because that seemed like the logical thing. H rarely talked to his parents when we were together, so who knows if he mentioned our last interaction or not. Truth is I don't know why she asked what she did, but there could be multiple reasons. I answered with the truth. Done deal but her perspective made me realize there is other avenues, and I really don't know. She always was one to ask/say slightly inappropriate things. As an example and because it's funny now, Christmas day 2016 we got up and were sitting in the living room in our PJS. She asked me if I was wearing a bra or if they were really that perky in front of H, FIL, BIL, SIL, SIL fiance and four nephews under the age of 8?!?!? Ummmm WTH?. So that being said, if she can ask that, not so much out of the realm for the dating question. Lol.

S66- we need to find that cave, I would be so down for that!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on December 06, 2019, 02:32:56 AM
"Are they really that perky?"

OMG! Merry Christmas indeed!

(https://media.giphy.com/media/dtI7iJluuOTaPwiU5h/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 09, 2019, 01:00:18 PM
I listened to this podcast by Jay Shetty and he speaks about closure and expectations. As an LBS, it was pretty relate-able, some of the things a little hard to hear since they hit home but some good info. Not to mention he's sounds lovely and he's pretty easy on the eyes :). Just thought I'd share.

https://player.fm/series/2484441/247608610

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 11, 2019, 01:30:11 PM
Venting ....

Today I received another email from H (clearly written by his armchair L aka the OW) stating that I won't get anywhere with what I am asking. He's been more than fair, and will not be taken advantage of, and it's in my best interest to agree to what he is offering and other grating meanderings. Initially I wrote a scathing email back telling him to shove it up his arse, and what a complete asshat, rat fink, delusional piece of dung he is. I didn't send it. I whittled it down to "See you at the JDR." And then I didn't send that. I chose to email my L our conversation to add to the file and not respond. There really isn't any point in me responding to OW/H bullying. No reaction, no response, no contact is my best option right now but man oh man, my tongue is damn near bleeding from biting it.

The part that really sucks about this is that when I receive these emails, it shows that H is still deep in the tunnel. It reminds me that I am not even communicating with the man that I married and I don't know this stranger. I see that H who once had no problem thinking for himself, doesn't even have the ability to write an email by himself. It creates a mixture of sadness and anger, that I just want to shake him and say WTH ?!?!?  It makes me monkey brain about what H has told his family. That he's spouting off to friends etc. I know in my heart of hearts that doesn't matter. I know that I have treated him with grace from the very beginning. That his family has no idea of the crap he has pulled,nor do his friends. He has never had to endure or hear about the hell that he put me through that plays on loop in my mind at a moments notice. That somehow this whole MLC deal is normal, when the way it all went down, the posing, the lies, the bullying, the bull$h!te, the threats and shenanigans are so far from normal. That he ripped that rug right out from underneath me and stomped on everything we had built together with stupid Fred Flintstones feet (He really did have Flintstone feet  :D)I'm just trying to remind myself that God has a plan. He has a plan...He really DOES have a plan and it's not up to me (but I have entertained a few fantasies as to what would happen if it was  ::)).

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on December 11, 2019, 02:55:49 PM
Oh Fear Not, I hear you! I'm feeling just like you right now! And those OW, it's bad enough our Hs are crappy useless pathetic men right now, but then these OW butt in and think they can dictate how our lives should end up after all the years we lived with their married boyfriends! Stop me! I could lose my composure!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on December 11, 2019, 03:06:04 PM
FN...you know this I know, but I want to affirm how wise, how Sane and how self disciplined you were to not reply to him.
But omg, I remember that boiling sense of frustration and the silent scream feeling that felt it had nowhere to go. I wrote some doozies of unsent emails lol...but that unspoken rage is very wearing. I trained myself to see it as an investment in me, a gift to me, every time I refused to be baited. And I used to keep telling myself He does not care what you think and File under F for Futile  ;)....but I did some stomping walks and had some very angry dreams  :)

You did well, my friend.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: UrsaMajor on December 12, 2019, 12:55:22 AM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3o7525CnwPAlwoG7qE/giphy.gif)

One Hundred Points for FN and Gryffindor for an amazing exercise of self-restraint!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on December 12, 2019, 08:05:17 AM
You do deserve Ursa's gold star and you should wear it proudly for not responding at all.

But I get the frustration - in my opinion it is because we knew these men before and how different they were and it is just mindblowing how they turn into everything they claimed they hated and from there i go monkeybraining that maybe it was all a show - but how could they pull off being somebody else for 20 years - and from there I go into maybe our whole R was a show and this is the real him. It does boggle once mind and kudos for you for once again handling it with such grace.

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 12, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
Milly- Thank you for your support. I am sorry that you too are having to experience this! Bug Hugs!!

Treasur- Thank you for your kind words. Being that I am not one for confrontation, I think that aids me in keeping my words to myself. Not always a healthy thing but in this instance beneficial. You're right, it is wearing!! I was completely exhausted yesterday. Now that things have settled down and I don't live in the constant state of waiting for the next shoe, I definitely noticed how it sucked the life out of me. I like the F for Futile, that sums it up beautifully and I can visualize those emails going right in there. Seems like there's a chance that I might require a bigger folder. Lol. Ps. Love your new kitty! Very pretty!

UM- Thanks for the star! I'll take it, been awhile since I got one of those!

S66- It IS mind boggling and extremely frustrating (another F word lol). I think we all question whether they were the people we initially knew. There are definitely  things that I now realize I choose to overlook, avoid,  or ignore but what I see now is certainly not the same man. One day this grace might run out... then I would suggest he best start running!! Lol

Thoughts...
One of the things I had a really tough time getting a grasp on since the exchange was how mean H can be. That was so far from his personality before. He just wasn't a mean, vindictive individual. In the last 2 years he seems to have developed some mad skills in this department. It just causes me to shake my head and wonder if it's just for me, or if others get to experience this lovely new trait. I guess it doesn't really matter in the big picture. It doesn't affect me if he is cruel to others. It's just sad that it seems as though that's who he might be for now.

In other news..
Bombed at the craft sale. Didn't sell a darn thing. Now I am trying to unload a few wreaths before Christmas because I really don't have room for them.
 
Tomorrow is our staff lunch. It's usually pretty awkward. The bonus is my old office roomie is coming for a sleep over so we can catch up on what's been happening since we no longer get to spend 8 hours a day together. Got a lot of talking to do!! Lol.

I also have a book bag that I am going to bling up and add some applique to for my mom's gift and I need to finish the John Deere wreath that I am building for my step dad's door in his new home.

And I need to choose a new book to read. Just finished "Girl, Wash you Face" and I really enjoyed it.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on December 12, 2019, 03:58:46 PM
Fear, I'm sorry the crafts fair didn't go well, but don't give up. One failure is not a sign that you are not good at what you're doing. It could be that the fair was not the right one, or that fairs are not the correct outlet.

I hope that the office party ends up being a great time because of your old office roomie. xxx
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on December 12, 2019, 06:37:02 PM

Thoughts...
One of the things I had a really tough time getting a grasp on since the exchange was how mean H can be. That was so far from his personality before. He just wasn't a mean, vindictive individual. In the last 2 years he seems to have developed some mad skills in this department. It just causes me to shake my head and wonder if it's just for me, or if others get to experience this lovely new trait. I guess it doesn't really matter in the big picture. It doesn't affect me if he is cruel to others. It's just sad that it seems as though that's who he might be for now.


Yes, I've said many times that I don't seem to know this new 2.0 version of a guy I've known since we were teenagers. 

Hang in there FN.  You still have some hurdles to clear.  You have mentioned that Christmas is a difficult time for you.  Take care of you. 

I hope you have a great time catching up with your former work buddy. 

Golf is just around the corner (well, probs lots and lots of corners but I do believe we will get there!). 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on December 13, 2019, 01:39:38 AM
Yes, FN, it is a bit like hitting your own head against a wall isn't it?
You don't notice the strain of adapting to it all until you stop.
I remember last year realising that my xh could not do anything new to hurt me, he had done it all already. Only the thoughts in my head about him could hurt me.

Like you, my xh's spitefulness was perhaps the biggest shock to me of all of this. I am lucky that most of his spite was passive or routed through ow....but it was relentless for almost two years. I often thought that he was behaving as if I had been the one to betray and leave him; it was very peculiar. And no amount of logic or calmness in my response made any difference to it all. And it went on long past the point where it made sense for a normal divorce, long past the point when he had what he wanted, long past the point when I was asking anything from him and I was pretty absent from his day to day life. And very different from the man i had known for 20 years. It was very strange. I think that sense of a kind of strange boiling rage and vindictiveness was what brought me here looking for an explanation. But with time, it also became more and more obvious to me that whatever the cause was did not come from me - if it had my responses would have influenced it with time - and that this is not how happy people who have found their new perfect life behave.

Mad skills as you say lol. And bc we liked who they were so much, it is sad from our POV. My best guess about it is that it is fuelled by a deep sense of feeling out of control and a kind of victimhood that tells you that you can only be ok if others are not. Rage and mean feels more powerful perhaps and it seems to take a long time for that feeling to burn out of some people. I imagine for most though it must if only bc living that way must be exhausting. I had no idea what kind of person he had become or what I had become in his head that he thought our history and me as a human being deserved that kind of spite and meanness....but it was obviously his new normal.

It is easy to assume that we are the only object of it. Maybe that is true for a while when they keep us centre stage as the cause of their unhappiness. Maybe why the divorce process seems to make it worse for a while. Maybe they can keep us alive in their head as that for a while long after we are absent from their lives. But eventually I susoect the feelings come out in other places too. Anecdotally that seems to be true. Makes sense really...if you feel those kind of feelings I doubt you wake up one morning and they are magically gone. But as you say too, it is good to reach a point when it can no longer affect us. But I found swallowing the reality of the kind of person my h self evidently had become was hard and painful and sad. Not what I would wish for anyone and certainly not for him.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on December 16, 2019, 04:58:19 AM
Hi FN!  I finally caught up with your thread and I just wanted to say I think you are doing great.  You inspire me!  There is so much wisdom here from everyone, it was like a balm to my heart to read it all.  Re: divorce and negotiations, I can say that I am truly grateful that I went for everything that my lawyer thought I could get.  Your present self has to protect your future self and she will be grateful!  It's very hard not to react.  They are coming from a place of fear and self-loathing, but that is not your problem.  You handled it all perfectly, but I know emotionally it's so hard.  And since you mentioned co-dependence and Melodie Beattie, I love my daily reader by her "The Language of Letting Go".  Lots of love and light to you and everyone here! xoxox
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 22, 2019, 12:52:14 PM
Treasur- Thank you, said it all so well! He does act like I betrayed him. So weird! I can only imagine what H is feeling as I am not privy to that but I agree that the responses are fueled by different aspects of life/emotions for him and it's not how a happy person would respond. I can see a very heavy influence of OW in his responses and I find that hugely frustrating because I have no want of communicating with her, but should I respond, that is exactly what I'd be doing. Yet another reason to down another STFU smoothie. Hugs and give Grace a pet for me!!

FW- Thank you for your kind words and support!
  Re: divorce and negotiations, I can say that I am truly grateful that I went for everything that my lawyer thought I could get.  Your present self has to protect your future self and she will be grateful! 
I needed to hear this, because quite often my present self says to just give in and walk away, which I know is not what I need to do, but would end having to endure this crap.
I'll have to check out "The Language of Letting Go". Her book was one that had a huge influence on me and was a real eye opener. I feel like that was the kickstarter to me starting to dig myself out of this and be able to realize what I needed to change in me!!

Ramblings...
Today is my birthday (which I tend to gloss over and not really acknowledge). I am sitting here thinking about how 2 years ago on this day and H and I were headed to my mom's to spend it there as well as do our Christmas thing. There was much discussion as to where we wanted to go for supper because we needed to accommodate H and his picky 10 year old palate. I distinctly recall my mom saying that we could go to the casino because H loves casinos and he'd definitely find something on the menu and he would be able to gamble a little (she has apologized many times for this and all the other times it became about H). I remember being really hurt and angry that it was all about H's preference , but on the other hand I was thinking, I am the one that isn't really into celebrating, I'm not willing to say anything so I really shouldn't feel this way. (I've  had some growth in this area lol). The days that followed were worse.Two days later, Christmas Eve Day morning I found the text messages from the OW while still at my moms.

When I reflect on that I know that even in that moment God's hand was in this. I never checked H's phone. Never felt the need or want. I trusted him implicitly. That morning while H was showering, I couldn't get it out of my head. So I checked. Sometimes I think I wish I never had. That maybe this wouldn't have spiraled into what it is now, but in my heart I know it's not true. I walked into the bathroom with his phone and asked who the firetruck is OW? I was met with lies and denial. We're just friends... blah blah blah...In hindsight I realize I didn't even take the time to read all the messages. I read enough to know and stopped (another blessing). I told him to get dressed and packed, we're having breakfast and then leaving to head to his parents.

I went upstairs, pulled my mom into her room and told her what I had just found. A couple tears were shed, told me she understood, she'd been through it with my dad and she said a quick prayer (more blessings) I asked her to treat him as she always had at breakfast and I would call her once I was at home. ( In hindsight I realize now the pressure I put on her and how amazing she was and still is). We had breakfast, said goodbye to my mom and uncle, hugs all around and left. Got in the car, told him to drive me home, I wasn't going to Christmas at his parents. His concern was that "what will I tell them?". I told him he would be telling them the truth. He said he was going to tell them I wasn't feeling well. I called bull$h!te on that, said you tell them or I will. There weren't any tears, there were a few harsh words during the half hour drive that felt like a freaking life time. In the big picture he did not get much of a tongue lashing. Just some well placed truth darts that bounced of his MLC  vest of armor I'm sure.Got home, took the suitcase out of the car, removed my things, repacked it, took it downstairs and set it by the door and said "you better go". I have no idea what he was doing while I did this. H walked out and my world shattered. H walked back in maybe 5 mins later to a crumpled, bawling mess on the floor and wanted to know what he could do to "fix" this because he could hear me crying when he was in the garage. I told him you don't get to fix this, you firetrucking broke it. Now leave. He left. I had no idea he would never live in our home again.

When I think about this I can see that God has been zipping my lips from the very beginning, given me the ability to treat H with grace that was not my own, whether I thought he deserved it or not. He picked me up off the floor not my H, He led me to HS within a couple days to find love and support, put people in my path when I really needed them, filled my life with blessings and has led me every step of the way and still is.

Now the funny part where I know God has a sense of humor!! I usually dread any news of H. I try to not know what he's got going on because generally it's hurtful but this report not so much.  H has been sent to Pakistan by himself for work(my cousin told me) and is there now through Christmas. For once OW is not travelling with him. H is not someone who is open to trying any kind of ethnic food (jerk chicken excluded), and actually would gag at the smells encountered in our neighborhood sometimes. I couldn't even let him see me put cumin/oregano/thyme/ in anything or he'd freak out. (I put it in all the time when he wasn't looking ::)) When we would travel food was always a concern and that was only Cuba, Dominican, Jamaica etc. He always stated he would never go to Asia because of the weird food and didn't want to live on rice. The idea of his child like palate having to deal with this journey, during this season (H loves Turkey and gravy) gives me great joy!! I literally laughed out loud. It also makes me wonder about him being alone at Christmas in a foreign country by himself and how that will be for him. Maybe I should send an email to negotiate on Christmas day, all in the spirit of Christmas ya know?!?! Just kidding.  His company has never worked over Christmas let alone internationally, so kinda strange. It's taking him away from his family, the OW, and placing him in a country that will challenge him due to his tastes and is well outside his comfort zone. It does make me curious as to why this has happened, but chances are I will never know.

So this year there is definitely some sadness and a variety of other emotions, but I also to see the blessings in reflecting on this day and the days that are coming. I've grown, stood my ground, and I can use whatever spices I want today and any day going forward! I'll toast myself with my glass of vitamin P (prosecco) and perhaps have an extra dose, and let this day be what it is. My day.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN


Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 22, 2019, 09:38:06 PM
Meant FIMG not FW. Sorry I couldn't figure out how to edit it!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on December 22, 2019, 11:37:03 PM
Happy birthday, FN xxx
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on December 23, 2019, 04:32:23 AM
Belated Happy Birthday Fear!

Interesting to see you lay out the time line since your birthday 2 years ago and where you and your H are today. You were thrown to rock bottom that Christmas Eve 2 years ago, your H is sounding like he's going downhill a bit himself now.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on December 23, 2019, 05:30:56 AM
Happy Birthday, Fear!

{{Warm Hug}}
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on December 23, 2019, 03:45:06 PM
FN - I hope you had a tremendous birthday yesterday!
You've been through so much and shown so much grace through this.

Enjoy and celebrate YOU!
You deserve it.

Sea
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on December 24, 2019, 08:31:51 AM
Thank you for the birthday wishes!!

Well the season got a little more interesting. Long back story here, but I'll try to sum it up as much as I can.

Back story...in 2000 I had a girl contact me that said we probably had the same dad. My dad passed away 25 years come January. Needless to say I hung up on her but kept her number from caller ID (old school technology lol) I called her back 6 months later, we met, and have a great Big Sis, little sis relationship. I am so grateful she came into my life. Unfortunately it wreaked havoc in my dads family and my life. My full sister, step mom and some aunts and I have been estranged since. My mom confirmed the timeline and had no doubt in her mind that she was my sister. My Full Sister (FS) and my Half Sister (HS) are 6 months apart. There's a lot more that happened for the perfect storm... lies, secrets, deceit, a dad/husband who had passed away and couldn't answer any questions, anger, all the good things you need to build a 20 year estrangement. About 12 years ago my HS and I had a DNA party. I ordered a kit online, she flew out, brought my niece, my mom came  (she is truly the most awesome person) and met her and we did the swabs. Not for us, but to try and get the rest of the family to finally believe that it wasn't a bunch of BS. Guess what... DNA doesn't lie.

Anyways since then HS has met our dads family at a reunion. My FS was, well there's not even really words that I can put on her that describe her poor behavior towards our HS. My stepmom always believed that my dad was a faithful guy (she got sit at dinner with the proof that he wasn't). My step mom and I were very close after my dad passed but when this happened she refused to believe that he was that guy. It caused a rift. I have briefly seen her a couple times in the last 20 years.Once was last year and we sorta chatted about getting together. It was something that was on my mind but I honestly didn't really know how to go about it and I was afraid.

Here's the good part  :D. Last night my step mom called me. She has a letter that is for MY mom  :o, that is from one of my Uncle's. It came care of her to her address?!?! Last time they had sent it to my mom directly but she has since moved. She wanted to know what to do with it. My first reaction was I'll come see you and get it. She was really surprised and wanted to know if I was sure I wanted that. I told her absolutely. I think this was supposed to happen this way (since why would you send the letter to the second wife). She agreed and said that she thought that too. We chatted for a bit. Had a good conversation, agreed it's time to move forward on a positive note. So I am heading there in the next few days.

Fun fact,  I introduced her to one of my friends that I didn't want to date. She married him. It's been 17 years. Hindsight makes me think I might've chose the wrong guy. Lol.

So, I have to say I feel pretty good about this. It's been a long time and I have missed her. I know it's not going to be what it was, there's trust issues, but we can have some form of a relationship instead of the animosity. I kinda feel like it's my own little Christmas Miracle. Just wanted to share the good  :)

Merry Christmas all my Hero Spouse Peeps! I hope you have a very blessed Christmas. I know it's not easy for so many of us! Keeping you in prayers and of course some hugs!

FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on December 25, 2019, 09:13:36 PM
Happy belated birthday Fear and it seems crazy that it’s “only” been 2 years for you. You seem so much further and filled with such grace and faith.
I am happy that your stepmom called and that you had a chat.
I found since BD I am way more forgiving and have much more empathy and appreciate how important human connection is to our spirit.
Merry Christmas and keep going strong
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on December 29, 2019, 08:11:30 AM
Schratz, I couldn't agree more: " I found since BD I am way more forgiving and have much more empathy and appreciate how important human connection is to our spirit."

FN, I hope your Christmas went well!

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on December 29, 2019, 09:34:39 AM
Hello and a Belated Happy Birthday to you!

Two years, and so  many emotions, experiences, and a new life to manage after Bomb Drop. Just a couple of things to note that I have been pondering for the past few days.

Law Professor actually stated what I have been thinking. Many of us on the site are conflict avoiding personalities. I tend to be very mellow until I feel I am backed up into a corner then I come out swinging. Until that point, I am very solid and overall very mellow, just a tad ADHD.

Is part of our mirror work that we need to call out behaviors and stick up for ourselves more often? I was reading how much you gave into your H meeting all of his wants and wishes. I did the same. She lead her life as she pleased. Never consulted or spoke to me about anything she did. Because I didn't draw a line in the beginning, did I allow her behaviors to have a snowball effect until they just rolled over me?

I need to read more on conflict avoidance and how it negatively impacts a relationship.

The second point was how you realized how mean your H has become. I saw the same exact thing with my wife. After bomb drop and the years that followed, she was vindictive and at times downright cruel. As you stated, it was as if I was the one that had the affair. I did nothing right and despite the space and more avoidance, I just feel deeper and deeper in the hole.

It was over nine years after bomb drop that my ex called me and apologized for her behavior and actions. During the apology she said something that has stack with me. "I don't know. I just felt so angry about everything for years and years."

Depression can also be expressed through anger. Maybe your H is acting out against you not from a place of righteousness, but from a place of depression. After all, it is hard to find yourself in hell and somehow it's all your fault.

My advice it to continue to work on you and become a stronger and better person. To learn to live and love without him. You can learn to set boundaries not just for him, but for all your relationships. To hold hard and fast to your moral compass and that you control and set the course for your life.

Hugs to you and have a great new year,

((((Ready))))
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on December 29, 2019, 12:12:54 PM
Hope you had a nice Christmas, FN.   

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on December 29, 2019, 03:36:10 PM
Ready, I loved your post. It hit a nerve with me, touched one of my vulnerable spots. What you said has really made me think.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 06, 2020, 12:30:08 PM
FIMG and S66- I 100% agree that I have become more empathetic as well as forgiving after dealing with all this, all for the greater good. I always had very black and white ideals when it came to affairs, what I would do, blah blah blah and shared them very easily. Since being put in a place where I actually had to encounter this myself, there's a lot of grey in there. I didn't do what I preached and it made me sing a very different tune and I am very grateful for that and thankfully it has ran into other parts of my life and ideals as well.

Ready- Thank you for your post, support and hugs. A lot of food for thought in that, and I relate to so much of it. When I learned about codependency, I also found out that I was definitely an avoidant for conflict and of course had no boundaries. I have been and still have a lot of work to do in that area but I am making progress. I do think it's a very important part of mirror work for us!!

I need to read more on conflict avoidance and how it negatively impacts a relationship.
((((Ready))))
I always thought I was doing our R a favor by not engaging and I have learned that it certainly does more damage than good. That was/is hard to face when I feel like I am so hard programmed to do this. I have to really force myself to stick up for myself, and communicate my thoughts/feelings instead of just "keeping the peace" for everybody.

Depression can also be expressed through anger. Maybe your H is acting out against you not from a place of righteousness, but from a place of depression. After all, it is hard to find yourself in hell and somehow it's all your fault.
((((Ready))))
This is a really good point regarding anger and initially I was aware of this, but over the course of the couple years, I kinda quit seeing that way. I got caught in the life that H presents, and we can all make that look good. There have been ongoing depression issues in his family members for years, and H is somebody who has stated that he "doesn't believe in depression and meds etc for it". He has also expressed numerous times that he was the failure of the family even though he was the one who had never ended up clinically depressed  :o. Thank you for the reminder as to where this anger may really be coming from.

Update/Ramblings

I made it through Christmas and New Years. It was pleasant and different? I think that might be the best way to say it but I am glad it's over. My step dad was pretty happy on Christmas Day that we were there, so that was totally worth it.

I went and saw my step mom on Boxing Day. I ended up spending the entire afternoon with her, her husband ( I don't know what to call him here, cuz he's not my step dad, or my dad lol) and my youngest brother. It was really good actually. Nothing really got discussed about the situation until the last hour and I was ok with that (there's that avoid conflict thing lol). My step mom made a comment about how all of the situation was blamed on her and my dad. Ummmmm what? Of course my dad was blamed, he got another woman pregnant while he was with my mom. If it wasn't his fault then who the hecks was it?!?! I just said that I didn't feel that it was any of her fault or really had anything to do with her at all. It had everything to do with my dad's actions and he is no longer here to answer the questions or face the fire, which really sucks. The other person that it truly affects is my HS, and she has been blamed by many in this family for contacting me, wanting money, wrong intentions etc which is not true and that this is no fault of hers for wanting to find family. So we need to remember that! The only one who had a choice in this matter was dad, he chose to do what he did, the rest of us... dealing with the repercussions of his actions. It ended there and we have been chatting via text since. I am glad that I stood up for my HS and stated what I did about my dad. I've always allowed my step mom to keep my dad on the pedestal and kept my mouth shut. I'm not doing that anymore. He is who he was, and made the choices that he did. It doesn't make him a bad man, it makes him a man who made some real $h!te choices. Just like my H....

I found out that second BD December 27th is actually OW and H's official anniversary date. I let that throw me for a loop this weekend. I'm still trying to figure out why it bothers me soooo much, but it does. For some reason when I thought it was around New Years Eve that seemed way more rational in my mind. Knowing that it was the last day H was at our home, how agitated he was, the conversation etc it just kinda boggles me mind that it's their official date. That seems really messed up.

Today I received news from the L that our Binding Judicial Dispute Resolution is April 28th. My prayer has been answered that we have received a judge that will do a "binding" JDR.  I am still processing it. I don't know what I really feel about this or about having to see him. The good thing is, it will only be our L's and us. OW will not be able to tag along. I am not really sure how I feel about a real end being in sight.

Just over a week until I leave for my solo Cuba adventure. I have to say, I am starting to look forward to it. I am scared poopless, but I look forward to having a week to sit on a beach, stare at the ocean, listen to my God tunes/podcasts and process some of this. I think the solitude will serve me well.

Happy New Year to you all, and thank you for all your love and support in 2019!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on January 06, 2020, 12:51:31 PM
FN -
Following along.
Quite a holiday you had, indeed.

I am happy that you feel the "end is finally in sight".
It's okay not to be sure how you feel - it's a very emotional and bit step in your marriage.

Your trip to Cuba sounds perfect.
Enjoy your "you" time and basque in the sun, surf and enjoy your podcasts.

Sea
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on January 06, 2020, 02:51:20 PM
Have a wonderful trip to Cuba, Fear. Do what you want, when you want, and just enjoy the beauty. I bet you will do great!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: forthetrees on January 07, 2020, 06:09:14 AM
So jealous of the Cuba trip! Please bring a way to download photos so you don´t run out of space and please post some of the pics here.
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on January 07, 2020, 07:33:35 AM
Hi Fear, sounds like you've been doing a bit of sorting out.  That's never a bad thing.

I hope this trip is a good one for you.  Sounds relaxing.
May I ask what made you decide on Cuba?  I guess I never thought about going there.

Enjoy yourself, dear.

{{Big Hug}}
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 07, 2020, 09:08:52 AM
Thanks Y'all!

Forthetrees- I'm a little inept at technical computery things but I will do my best!

Thunder- Truth be told I didn't want to go to Cuba. It will be 6 yrs ago on Jan 28th that we got married there, and out of all the travelling I've done it was my least favorite. I ended up going there because it fit my budget,it's safe, small resort (wasn't looking to get lost in a mammoth resort), and with direct flights from where I am (which was important to me for my first solo adventure, less stress), So I decided to face my demons, give it another try and booked in a completely different area. Everything happens for a reason, right?!?!

Ramblings
Yesterday was a rough one and today is feeling a little rough as well. I really did not expect to become the basket case that I did from having the JDR booked. I do know that I need to separate myself from H financially and need to follow through on this. I don't like the idea of it being final at all. But is that because I am afraid of being a divorcee, and it makes me question standing and where that leaves me. If/when it happens and I actually end up divorced, will that be the end of my stand? Is that God's will? I realize that D papers don't automatically mean it's done. People get a divorce and then reconcile. Anything can happen.

Somehow this limbo land became comfortable and now thinking that there is an end to that, makes me really uncomfortable. In theory wanting it all to be done is one thing, but when faced with the reality of it actually happening, that there will be no more ties in any way, that chokes me up. It brings instant tears and a whole gamut of emotions that I really wasn't prepared for. I'm just going to have to wade through this and pray for guidance and answers, because yet again, I have no idea how to go about this. I just kinda want to hide under the covers.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on January 07, 2020, 09:43:39 AM
Fear,

All good reasons to choose Cuba.  I admire what you're doing.

Just remember those words...."It's ok to be scared."
We all were, but we will walk through this with you.

Hugs
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on January 08, 2020, 07:58:55 AM
Fear,

I think your Cuba trip sounds amazing - should there be little trigger hiccups - I know you can deal with it and still enjoy the sand, the sun and Mojitos on the beach :)
As far s feeling rough about finally having a date for the judicial - you are being way too hard on yourself....if that wouldn't be an unsettling thought you wouldn't be human and you wouldn't be the loving woman that you are. It's like it has all come down to this - lawyers sitting around discussing assets...this is not what we wanted, not what we expected when we said our vows.....it's your dreams and hopes and the love you had reduced to legal mambo jambo and the final days of your M.
So, give yourself permission to be upset and to grief and cry and then get on that plane and leave it all behind for a few days
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 08, 2020, 09:18:15 AM
Thunder- Thank you for the reminder about those little words and walking along side!

S66- You got me in the feelers on that one  :'(. Such a lovely post and exactly what I needed to hear!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on January 08, 2020, 03:44:49 PM
FN - I don't know if Tyks will see your post but I'm pretty sure that she took a couple trips to Cuba while going through this crisis.   If she's around I hope she'll drop in and give you some words of advice and also calm your nerves.  I think she had a really nice time on her trips there.

I'm sorry that you are facing this next step. 

As the others have said, you go ahead and grieve and process however you need to.  Post here and we'll offer support and encouragement. 

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on January 08, 2020, 05:09:46 PM
FN - Walking beside you.
I remember when my H's divorce was finally done.
My L called me and said "it's done".
In all the time leading up to it, I was so upset, not wanting it to really happen.
Then when it was over, it was a little anti=climactic.
I still didn't want it, but it was just over - just like that.
Try not to get involved - don't go to court or proceedings unless you have to.
Much of it can be done without you there.

Enjoy your trip to Cuba.
My first "solo" trip out of the country was to BonAire to scuba dive.
Was amazing and quite liberating to be able to go to such a remote place and just enjoy myself and my time.  You'll look back and remember this trip forever.
Have a mojito for us!  Cheers!

Sea
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 09, 2020, 08:28:35 AM
SB- Thanks for you support. I'd love to hear any tips that the peeps have for solo travel :) and about experiences. Please do share!! Every time I hear of someone who has done it, it bolsters me a little and makes me think I can do this!!

Sea
FN - Walking beside you

Made me think of this! Thanks friend  :)

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.
Don't walk in front of me;
I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Albert Camus

I think the time leading up is probably worse. The monkeys get going a little. The JDR does require me to go. It will just be our L's , a judge, H and I which at least removes the stress of OW being there. Since we haven't been able to come to agreement, this is an attempt to make that happen. I am praying that it's enough to put a fire under H's arse and settle it prior to the date, now that it's set. A girl can dream... and pray.

As for the trip, perhaps it will be a "TSN Turning Point" for me. I kinda feel like it might be.  :) I know I'm not the first LBS to do it, and certainly won't be the last. I have yet to hear from anyone who has tried solo travel that it wasn't worth it! So thank you for reinforcing that.

Ramblings
So last night I had a really weird/disturbing dream. I rarely dream, or maybe I just don't recall, but this one got me a little riled. Lol. I dreamt that I came home from work and H was in my new place (but it was actually our old neighborhood). He had obtained a copy of the key from someone who had previously lived there. He needed somewhere to stay. Then all of a sudden OW comes walking out of the spare room. (Wth?) I told him that they both could not stay. He was welcome, she was not. They had until the following day to figure it out, but they both were not welcome in MY home. The conversations were point blank,no drama, yelling etc. Just a regular calm conversation. I started walking out and OW follows me and asks how to get to the church in the neighborhood, as H was going to go there. I told her he knows how to get there,he's not a dummy, but gave directions anyways. Then I woke up... and pondered it for the rest of the night so I am a little sandy eyed this morning ::). Lol.

I also had a friend contact me and ask if I wanted to go to a speed dating thingy with her when I get back from my holiday. I don't think that's in my wheelhouse, and don't really feel the desire to date. She suggested to just think of it as a night out, have some fun, meet some peeps, I don't have to follow through on it if I don't want to. I really don't know about that. I'm thinking that might fall into leading others on, since I don't think I have any intentions of following through. Thoughts on that LBS's?

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on January 09, 2020, 05:06:12 PM
I'll give you the same advice that was given to me about a month ago.
Don't do it unless you're sure you want to date.
I'm not sure what this would provide you with, since you're not really wanting to at this point.

I think it was UM who was wise in reminding me that even "friends" of the opposite sex can be treading on thin ice...

Of course, you need to follow your heart, but I don't get the impression it would serve you well.

Sea
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 10, 2020, 01:47:51 PM
Sea- Thank you! I really didn't want to, but was falling into the people pleasing trap. Lol. Thank you for the reminder and UM's advice is solid as well!! The bonus is, the event sold out as well, so I don't even have to consider it anymore  ;D

In other news...
Nothing much happening. We are having super cold weather, so I'll be hibernating this weekend. We are supposed to be around -28C (with windchill)for the weekend and Monday/Tuesday are -40C (with windchill). Getting outta dodge is starting to look pretty darn appealing!!! Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 14, 2020, 02:22:41 PM
Well, here goes nothing! Off on my solo adventure tomorrow bright and early. It is -37c without the windchill... so see ya later crappy weather!
I have some butterflies about this, but am feeling a little more confident about it than I thought I would  ;D.Looking forward to the down time, and decompressing. No internet/wifi for a blessed week!! Later Gators!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on January 14, 2020, 06:08:04 PM
Hey FN,

Have a great time.  Enjoy that warmer weather.  We got snow last night and are expecting another 8-10 inches on Friday/Saturday! 

I'll check back to see how much fun you had.   
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on January 16, 2020, 02:02:16 PM
Have a great time!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on January 16, 2020, 05:01:53 PM
Fear,

I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing time.

Come back tanned and rested. 

Big hug!
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on January 17, 2020, 12:06:08 PM
Be Fabulous Fear and safe travels
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FamilyIsMyGoal on January 18, 2020, 09:07:57 AM
Oh I hope you have a fantastic time!  I can't wait to hear about it.  Your dream was so interesting.  I don't know what it means, but I love the part about going to church and needing directions, lol. 

As far as the legal meeting, someone advised me to "act as if" I was over him.  So in the meetings, I would ask myself "If I were really and truly over him and 'had a life', how would I be acting right now?" It kept me focused and dignified.  I also did a lot of silent praying asking God to please give me the words he wanted me to use.  I also thought of all the people here and how they were rooting for me in Spirit at my meetings.  That really helped me stay grounded through it all.  I wasn't perfect, but I made it through with dignity.  xoxoxo
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on January 31, 2020, 12:05:30 PM
FIMG- Great advice! Thank you!!

WARNING THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG!!

As for the holiday.... FANTASTIC!!

Well I am back, and have been recovering from laryngitis for the last week, which is seriously a pain when you want to talk about what a great trip you had. Lol.
As for the trip, I truly enjoyed myself and I would do it again in a heart beat. It wasn't without some awkward moments and some tears, but what I gained from it far surpassed those moments.
Awkward moments:
-After arriving, I was the only one they dropped at my resort, which cause me to panic a little bit, I settled into my room and decided to have a drink at the Lobby bar. The bartender makes me lovely Mojito, take my first sip, go to set it down on the bar not realizing the edge is rounded, drink tips over and glass busts all over the place. The result of this was that that particular bartender served me in plastic all week.... ::)and I was thoroughly mortified in the moment and felt like the whole resort saw me do that. When in reality... maybe only a few peeps, but I lived.

- I head to the feeding trough (aka buffet) for my first dinner . It is extremely dim, candlelight blah blah blah (this happen to be the only night they do this) . They ask for how many, I say one. They proceed to seat me with 2 other woman ( I truly appreciate their thought here). The only problem is we don't speak the same languages. One is fluent in spanish, the other fluent in spanish and french very little English, me- English (time to learn another language). We sit uncomfortably for about 10 minutes then decide try the charades game of guess what I am saying. The S/F gal is trying to tell me something. She keeps point to the S gal and the only word I can make out at that time is "lovers" So I take a guess and say "You are lovers?" Wrong guess... awkward. It continues. I figure out the word family. Take a guess that S gal is with S/F gals brother. Nope wrong again. Last guess S/F gal is with S gal's brother and he bought them the trip. YES!! I got it yay me. Then silence. Lol. I eat my dinner that I can't really see, by the lovely candle light on our table, smile and nod accordingly while we glance at each other...awkwardly and peace out!! I always thought I was better at charades. :(

- Hanging out at the adults only pool which I don't have the correct bracelet for but there's very few people there. Basically the bar staff just won't serve you if you don't have the lovely green bracelet. I am orange. The chef from the fancy restaurant wanders out and chats me up. Says I have the wrong bracelet, they won't serve me. I said I was aware, but it wasn't an issue. I was perfectly happy strolling to where I needed to go, should I need anything.  He offers to get me a drink. Of course why wouldn't I agree. I hang out, it's peaceful, read my book, almost finish my beer, he appears with a fresh one. Well.. Ok I guess so. Chat some more. He wants me to come to the restaurant for dinner because no one goes there. I have figured out by this point there is no point lying about my solo status. The staff are observant. I decide to be brave. I agree. Time comes to go to dinner. I'm panicking. I walk to the restaurant. It's completely empty. More panic. I start to walk away. He comes running out after me :-\, where am I going??? Panic... and lie (forgive me God), saying I was just going to quickly say hello to some friends that were walking by, but then I realize there isn't anybody. Ugh. Go to dinner, it was really good. He wrote a love note on my pasta plate  ???. (there was a cool encounter that was a game changer here but that goes under the other category) He invites me for more beers after his shift at the pool and I decline saying I am supposed to meet friends. Yes... those invisible friends.

- One particular bartender took a bit of a shining to me. Every time I went to get something it was a production (but he would give me a glass glass lol). Hand kissing, googly eyes, professions of love, get what I ordered, repeat process. Not that all the affirmations weren't wonderful, but when trying to fly under the radar... I get so embarrassed every time.

The positives:
-I met a couple retired couples that became surrogate parents to me and enjoyed visiting with them and having someone to watch out for me. Each evening I would have a coffee with the one couple and fill them in on who my boyfriends were that day. It became a standing joke. Once the staff figured out you were alone, there were multiple offers for beach dates, overnights in the city ( he was turning 29 and wanted me to celebrate his birthday, stay at his parents place in his private room - Hell NO.), what ever I wanted. I politely declined the invitations, but it was truly lovely for my ego and resulted in great service.

-The last couple days I met a mother daughter combo. They were their for what was supposed to be the mother's 25 yr wedding anniversary. Her H had stepped out on her 3 months prior with a 26 yr old (she's 62). Long story short... sounds like a live in MLC wallower. The daughter and I had some really great conversations about the situation, supporting her mom etc ,developed a real friendship and shared a bit of my experience with the mom.

- The beach and pools were amazing. Even though the weather wasn't great, only a couple really good sunny days, it was so relaxing. I read, listened to my music/podcast, walked the beach, wandered off resort, starting enjoying eating alone and totally embrace my lone wolf moments and got some great selfies. Lol

-At the awkward dinner, a retired lady whom I had chatted with a few times at the pool, eventually came in for dinner. She stopped at my table and chatted, I offered her to join and she declined. She had 30 pages of her book to finish. That gave me something to really mull over while having my dinner alone and catered to by the chef. It was a turning point for me. It made me realize that I should embrace it.

What I learned on this journey:
- When I had the encounter with the lady at dinner I had been watching her over the days (creepy I know) but I realized that she totally owned travelling on her own. She had her own agenda and her own boundaries. I was doing that as well without even realizing it in other ways, but still have some work to do. What I did learn in the moment in the restaurant was to embrace it and own it. I was ok, I was making good decisions and I was truly enjoying myself by myself. My offer of her sitting down was just because I was so uncomfortable and it would've eased it. I'm so grateful she didn't.

-That on previous holidays with H, my codependent behavior and fixer problem, caused me an undue amount of stress, by my own doing. The place I was at for my holiday, H would've hated it. It was too quiet, food would've been an issue, laying on the beach reading is boring, and multiple other things. What I did realize is that I didn't have a problem with any of it. It was right up my alley. I didn't have to worry about any of that.

-I remembered the things that I used to love to do, like reading on the beach, picking seashells, people watching and not having to be the people being watched. The peace and quiet. The stillness, just sitting and taking in my surroundings instead of wondering what to do next.

- I am still desirable (yes the offers were good for my ego). H didn't take that away when he left. I am worthy, I am a decent conversationalist (when it's in my language), I can meet people on my own, and also exist on my own agenda when I'm not feeling it. I am smart, I can make good decisions. I am totally ok. I am all that and a bag of chips  ;D

- That sitting back, like a fly on the wall is fun at a resort. Oh the drama you see!!

- I AM stronger than I think by the grace of God and the strength that He gives me.

-I can totally travel alone, would do it again, and maybe... possibly, might even end up preferring it. ::)

I declare my first solo adventure a success!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN

Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Treasur on January 31, 2020, 01:04:43 PM
That sounds rather wonderful, FN  ;)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Milly on January 31, 2020, 03:53:47 PM
Fear what a wonderful update from your solo holiday! Just great!! What a breath of fresh air you are for any of us LBSs wondering how we can travel again since we're alone. You showed us how it's not only possible, but exhilarating. I'm so happy it was such a good trip for you. I hope you have come back knowing that you can do anything.xxx
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on February 01, 2020, 03:55:26 AM
Fear,

Your vacation sounded wonderful....and to think I can't even go to a movie alone.  ha ha

I'm happy you enjoyed your alone time.  Sometimes that's the best way to regroup.
So let us know when your next adventure is!   8)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on February 02, 2020, 11:06:47 AM
FN - What a terrific update!
Your trip was a complete success!!

Full of funny moments (plastic glasses).
Romance - at least being asked is a huge thing...
Friendship - making friends with retired couples, LBS spouse, workers...
Self-Improvement - Biggest plus is that you learned that you can embrace your "solo-ness" and enjoy it for what it's worth.  It's for you and you only.

YAY~!  So proud of you and happy for the outcome.

Sea
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on February 03, 2020, 10:58:27 AM
I am so glad that not only did you make it back safe and sound but that you had a great time.
What an inspiration you continue to be
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Upintheair on February 03, 2020, 02:11:50 PM
Thanks for sharing your solo travel!! I want to do the same but I am so scared! I have collected the money and wanted to spend it already on a trip last year. You inspire me :)
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on February 07, 2020, 07:32:21 PM
What a fabulous travel report, FN! 

All that and a bag of chips, indeed! 

You knocked it out of the park. 
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on February 08, 2020, 03:04:03 PM
Thank you all for the love, support and reading my ridiculously long ramble  ;D. I truly have zero regrets doing it and learned so much.
Upintheair- I heard this so many times before I pulled the trigger " Just do it, you won't regret it." So that is my advice to you. Just pull the trigger. Boom!

Journaling:

Now that I have returned from my journey and returned to regular life, I want nothing more than to do it again. Lol.

I returned on Jan 22 and on Jan 28 it would've been our wedding anniversary. The day wasn't without sadness, but I think I still had the giddiness of my accomplishment to dull it a bit. There were some tears, but the need to wallow and almost "honor" that day wasn't there. I really don't even know how to explain it. It wasn't that I didn't want to acknowledge it but it seemed like the date had lost some of it's power, if that makes sense?!?! Maybe because I just got back from the scene of the crime (married in Cuba)?!?! Faced one of my biggest fears. Not sure.

On Tuesday I received and email from my L that H's L is requesting the appraisals that I had done with the realtors in 2018 for the pre judicial resolution meeting on March 19. I have no idea why this would even be needed since we sold with a different realtor and we ended up doing ok. I don't want to ask my L why she thinks they need it b/c that's probably a $200 question. Lol. The problem is the one realtor provided the information via an email link and it no longer works. I have contacted him and haven't been able to get a response. I guess I can only do what I can do. Maybe it's supposed to go that way. The email did wind me up a bit. It's funny how you seem to have an edge on it all and then all of a sudden something happens and bam... you're rattled.

This weekend is quiet. Just hanging out at home. I bought a new mattress and am awaiting it's arrival. See ya later marital bed (ok realistically it's going in the spare room...just sounding tougher than I am lol). 

Oh ya... I have been reading "The Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes. It always amazes me when I come across something that is so relate-able at the right time and this is another one for me. One of the things she talks about is the statement "Your so lucky" in relation to our accomplishments, travels etc. When I was away, one of the friends that I have chosen to distant myself from, sent me a message wondering why I wasn't answering her, as she tried different messaging apps. I wrote back saying I was away. She asked where and I told her. Her response was "You're so lucky". This statement really burned my ass that day. Her of all people knows why I would be by myself, the time frame, going back to the island I married H etc. That this wasn't luck as to why I where I was. I thought what an @$$hole reply but responded "thank you, yes I am". It wasn't until I was reading that I fully understood the negativity that "You're so lucky" invokes. That when we use it (and I have used it myself) it has a belittling to it, a take you down b/c I am envious and don't have the ability to truly compliment or acknowledge in truly positive way . Like we didn't work for what we have or have done. Yes if you won the lottery...yes.. that's luck.  I understood in that moment why it pissed me off. I worked hard, physically, mentally and emotionally to get to where I was at that moment. What I learned is that I need to be more cautious using that statement. That for myself going forward instead of using that, and it tearing someone down in a false positive way.. use a truly positive statement. I need to be aware of when I want to use it and the why behind it, b/c chances are I'm not coming from a sincere place and need to check myself. So I learned that so far from the book and the root of why it pissed me off...lol

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Hugs N  Prayers,
FN
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FaithWalker on March 03, 2020, 08:04:09 PM
So glad to hear you had a good time on your trip FN.
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Schratz66 on March 25, 2020, 10:00:36 AM
Just checking in Fear to see how you've been.
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on April 09, 2020, 07:57:31 AM
Hi S66! Thanks for thinking of me! Hugs!!I hope you are well. I will have to go check out your thread  :)

Update
Well it's been awhile since I've been here and the world is turned upside down. I am praying that my fellow LBS'ers are safe and healthy. My world has changed a little with COVID but certainly not to the extent of others. At this time I am still going to work even though we have the ability to work from home. The vibe we get regarding that, is that our company is a little worried about productivity and it is easier to keep an eye on us if we are in the office. I understand their side of it to a certain extent, but on the other hand considering what is happening.... Yesterday our receptionist came to work with cold/flu symptoms to tell our boss she was sick and was sent home immediately. I know she is afraid of losing her job and that her choice to come anyways was made out of fear. There is so much of that right now. I can feel the anxiety and fear from my co workers (and everyone else). It breaks my heart.

I'm a bit of introvert so the staying at home thing really isn't a huge issue for me. Although it seems as soon as your told to stay home, my inner 12 year old just wants to rebel (but I'm not). Lol. I have been chatting with some friends on the House Party app and we have been having some good laughs. Last Friday there was 6 of us, 3 I didn't know, friends of friends, having wine and hanging out. We all had boxes of Costco tinfoil so we had a tinfoil challenge and each had to make something. There was some pretty creative stuff. There were some funny hats, a horse head mask made an appearance, someone in a swim suit and a snorkel. 5 hours later it ended with us each making a snack and heading to bed. I got up the next morning and my house was a mess..just like a real house party, except with no one to blame. Lol I do enjoy seeing how people are getting creative and entertaining themselves. The streaming of music and the music compilations that people are putting together while being apart. Technology IS really crazy!

Due to all this craziness the JDR with H was cancelled. I wasn't really surprised but when I got the email, it made me realize how much stock I was putting into that happening. I had a couple emotional days and then decided it was time to buck up. Rumor has it that H had to cut his month long trip to Jamaica short and head home to quarantine for 2 weeks. I was a little glad that it wasn't me that was stuck with him for those 2 weeks. He's not a great home body by any means. I think in some ways I am very blessed to be by myself at this time, where I only have to worry about myself. I can't imagine the stress for parents, live in MLC'ers etc. My prayers are with you.

That's about it in my world, besides the fact I got sucked into the whole Tiger King craze and lost 6 hours of my life. Lol

Time to catch up on here!

Hugs N Prayers, Stay healthy and Safe my Friends!
FearNot
Title: Re: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Thunder on April 09, 2020, 08:22:38 AM
Hi Fear,

Good to hear from you, but what is JDR?  I suppose I should know.  ha ha

Yes I love how creative people are being.  I've smile at the many fun ways people are staying in touch with family and friends.

I'm a homebody by nature so it's not too hard for me to stay home either.  I always find something to keep me busy, even though one has been catching up on old TV series.
I'm not much of a TV person normally.

Well thanks for the update.  Keep yourself safe!

{{Big Hug}}
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on April 09, 2020, 10:07:01 AM
Hi Thunder! Glad to hear you are well and keeping entertained. Sorry I am so used to just saying JDR. I forget it's not the normal lingo. Lol We were supposed to have our Judicial Dispute Resolution on April 28th in hopes of moving things forward, since H is not willing to negotiate with just our L's. Living La Vida Limbo continues.  ::)
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: stillbaffled on April 09, 2020, 12:05:13 PM

That's about it in my world, besides the fact I got sucked into the whole Tiger King craze and lost 6 hours of my life. Lol


Good to hear from you, FN. 

I also got sucked in to The Tiger King.   Some bizarre to go with the bizarre in my life right now! 

Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on April 09, 2020, 06:41:24 PM
Fear Not -
Great to catch up.
I'm sorry that the uncertain work situation is stressful for everyone.
I can't wait for things to normalize to whatever the new "normal" will be.

Staying at home is very comfortable for me.
I don't get bored, and always find things to do, so really am enjoying it when it happens.
I guess I'd consider myself an introvert as well, but never really thought of myself as that.

Your house party sounds fun. 
I'm too intimidated to do anything like that!~
I don't even face time!  LOL

It's interesting that you were looking forward to the JDR.
Do you think that's a matter of just wanting it to be done, or are you looking forward to being divorced?
Two totally different things...
Let us know how your heart is doing.

Hugs,
Sea
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Anon on April 25, 2020, 04:40:07 PM
Hi FN - I just read your latest update.  Seems like you are doing pretty well up there despite the covid restrictions.    I have to admit, I cracked up reading about your Houseparty night and waking up the next morning to a mess, LOL.   Sounds like you all had a great time from your respective homes.   I join a House Party or a Zoom about once a week.   It's fun but we are good for about 90 minutes and that's it, and the house looks the same after as it did before.   ::) 

Regarding your h
Quote
I was a little glad that it wasn't me that was stuck with him for those 2 weeks. He's not a great home body by any means. I think in some ways I am very blessed to be by myself at this time, where I only have to worry about myself. I can't imagine the stress for parents, live in MLC'ers etc.
This is me too FN.  I have frequently thought how nice is has been to be on my own as opposed still living with my h through these restrictions.   Way before BD he had the ability to drive me up the wall when he was cooped up for any reason - pacing the house, sighing loud and often,,,, made it impossible for me to enjoy relaxing when he was so stressed out.   I also think about and feel bad for the many women out there who might now have abusive or alcoholic  husbands with them 24/7 for weeks at a time with no end in sight.  I can't imagine living in more stressful conditions than this and grateful that I'm not.  So yeah,,, I have a lot to be grateful for despite the circumstances.  I am more introvert than extrovert as well and generally do fine on my own, however after 5 1/2 weeks of this, I'm getting just a little bit lonely.   Looks like another 3 weeks for us to go at least.  I could be a complete nut case by then as the cabin fever is starting to put down serious roots now.   :-\     

Maybe I'll look into that Tiger King craze - or is it a big waste of time?   No idea what it is but I'll google it. 

Take care FN and one day,,, the weather will clear and the pandemic will ease up and we can continue with our plans to visit and play golf.   8)

Anon
xoxo

Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: FearNot on May 07, 2020, 01:08:20 PM
Just stopping in to say hey! It's been a hot minute since I was here. I hope you are all doing well, staying safe and healthy!

Not much has really changed for me. I am still working, still following the restrictions, still entertaining myself. I messed up my back over a month ago and am finally getting back to normal. I was "entertaining" myself doing a YouTube exercise video. I thought I just pulled a muscle, turned out I had a bulging disc in my back and it was a little more serious than I thought. I lost a couple days to muscle relaxants and pain meds. Big kudos to those who deal with back pain on a regular basis, that sucked... a lot.  I'm recovering, but have to say I was a little glad that golf isn't in full swing. I would've been super irritated at myself. I've had a difficult time following the Dr. orders as it is. Lol.  The novelty of House Party has worn off. I pop on for a few here and there but I've been working on my diamond painting, reading, watching documentaries and a decent amount of garbage TV.

I did whine to my co worker about not being able to hug anybody and not having anybody to hug in my house, not even a stuffed animal. I am a hugger and I miss it something fierce. She brought me giant bear on lend to get me through. So needless to say I have been sharing the above activities with Rodger the bear. I am so grateful I have such great people in my life and a bear to hug.

It's interesting that you were looking forward to the JDR.
Do you think that's a matter of just wanting it to be done, or are you looking forward to being divorced?
Two totally different things...
Let us know how your heart is doing.

Hugs,
Sea
I've had to put some thought into this... I was and am looking forward to not having the logistics of this hanging over me anymore. I would like to wrap up the loose ends and be done with it. I feel like there is freedom in having those ties removed. As for divorce, I have to say, I really don't know. What I do think about when it comes to that is, I have no idea who he even is anymore. I haven't seen him in 1 year and 8 months. There's been next to no communication except for a few emails selling the house and a brief attempt at negotiations in December (and those were far from kind). I don't even know what he looks like. I know that I have changed significantly and I don't know if that would even remotely mesh with him in anyway. I think in a small way I was looking forward to physically seeing him because it's been so long and I wanted to see if I still had that "feeling" about him or if when I laid eyes on him... would I feel nothing?!?!, But the anxiety those thoughts create. Aiyiyi!! If I could just maybe go to the meeting and be invisible, that would be preferential. Lol. Not sure if that even makes sense.

Anon- I feel ya and there is so much for people to deal with while living like this and the aftermath ! Introverted or not, this has been a long time. As for Tiger King... that stuff is cray cray. I look forward to when we can make our meet up happen and swing some clubs!! XO

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
Title: The Story Continues- Sold to the only bidder- FearNot
Post by: Seahorse on June 06, 2020, 03:18:27 PM
FN -
Just catching up.
I can understand all of your points.
It WOULD be nice to to have that hanging over your head anymore.
AND - you're right.  There may be nothing in common between you two anymore.  Certainly we change for the better, and they change.  Initially their change is obviously for the worse, but then after they do their work, also for the better.
I also get that you'd like to be at the meeting, but unseen. -- Like a fly on the wall...
I haven't seen my H in about a year, but I don't really have any desire to see him anymore.

I'm sorry to hear about your back, but happy that it's feeling better.

Virtual hugs,
sea