Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Standing Strong on June 07, 2019, 06:27:10 PM

Title: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 07, 2019, 06:27:10 PM
I'm a very religious person, and so is/was(?) W.

I see there are many who are like me..... took their vows seriously, and want to uphold them at all costs.
I've read all of RCR's articles (wonderful) and all of HB's writings (amazing).
Between the two, it was a primer that I don't know what I would have done without them........ Actually I do know what would've happened..... she would have ran away already and I would've unknowingly pushed her out. I have great, great gratitude for finding this place.

Since this started, I've been praying and seeking God on this matter. He is answering, but I feel the need to let him deal with it and get out of the way.
One struggle I have is how to properly pray for this situation. On one hand I've always prayed for "something"...... an outcome, a thing, a change of heart, strength, patience.... "something". Since this started, I've been praying for many "somethings".
I feel like I should just be giving it to him to deal with in his way, with his plan...... to let go. This is very difficult.

When praying for God's will to be done, it really turns out to be a very short prayer, and it's so hard to square because there's no deep effort..... sincerity yes, effort no. I believed in praying constantly, in fasting, those kinds of things. Effort, obedience, faithfulness, steadfastness. Know what I mean? The bible talks about the angel fighting the demon for 21 days for the prayer to get thru..... so doesn't that mean we must pray hard? How do we pray hard for a prayer which is so short?

For those who are praying for their MCL'er..... are there things God has shown you about them or the situation? I had what I believe was a word from God when I was listening to my W paying piano. It was clear as a bell and gives me great hope. I don't know how it will come to pass, but I believe.

Also I'm curious if people have others praying for their W/H and their M. I do, and while I have no doubt they are praying for me I don't know if they will pray for her long term. They will get angry at her, and I don't want that but I KNOW the prayer of many is needed in this sitch.

I know God doesn't like M's to fail. I don't think people are D by a paper from a man. I think God does what he does for an MCL'er, but they do have choice. In the end, it's on them. I believe someone praying for their W/H gives them the best chance to find their way home, or at least ease their burdens somewhat by asking God to help them.
What do you think? What have you experienced?

HB talks about the gift of intuition..... does anyone have any thoughts on this? Or about other gifts which should be asked for from God?

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Disillusioned on June 07, 2019, 07:05:59 PM
Standing - Take a look at Rejoice Ministries if you haven't already.  Some of the answers you are looking for may be found there.   ;)
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Anon on June 07, 2019, 07:50:29 PM
Huge things to pray for:
- detachment and peace despite your circumstances.
- trust and patience with His plan and His timing
- hands off - give the ENTIRE problem to God - in the meantime you GAL - He's got it covered and doesn't need your help.

Possibly useless prayers:
- specific outcomes - free will is involved here and He will not override that. 
- time frames or deadlines according to your will.  This never works.

My prayers for Peace and Detachment have never gone unanswered.  It's the one constant prayer I've used throughout and if you don't believe in the power of prayer, you will after making this a daily prayer.   It's simply a miracle what praying this does to your state of mind. 

Rejoice Marriage Ministries - worth checking out perhaps, but know that they are overly optimistic and make it seem like a return is a given if you just pray enough.    They post many success stories but never mention the stories that don't end well.  I think many people that visit regularly are given false hope.   




Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: xyzcf on June 07, 2019, 08:02:38 PM
Quote
Rejoice Marriage Ministries - worth checking out perhaps, but know that they are overly optimistic and make it seem like a return is a given if you just pray enough.    They post many success stories but never mention the stories that don't end well.  I think many people that visit regularly are given false hope. 

2 main theme's  of Rejoice Ministries are "God hates divorce" and "nothing is impossible for God". They stay strictly with what scripture says about marriage. They do not make excuses about what they preach.

They also call you and pray with you. They acknowledge and send you Anniversary greetings.

Rejoice Ministries is the only place that helps me to understand the meaning of the vows I made before God. Because my husband has broken those vows, does not mean that I have to as well.

Overly optimistic? They stand by their belief in the permanency of marriage. Since their beliefs have to do with our eternity being what is important as opposed to our lives here on earth, they talk about how we can live our lives for our individual salvation.

I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Mitzpah on June 07, 2019, 08:13:00 PM
Standing,

I believe that the simple prayer - "Your will, not mine"  is the most difficult one to be prayed. We are so attached to an outcome, aren't we?



Rejoice Ministries is the only place that helps me to understand the meaning of the vows I made before God. Because my husband has broken those vows, does not mean that I have to as well.

Overly optimistic? They stand by their belief in the permanency of marriage. Since their beliefs have to do with our eternity being what is important as opposed to our lives here on earth, they talk about how we can live our lives for our individual salvation.

I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.

This is my experience too.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: xyzcf on June 07, 2019, 08:19:59 PM
There is a movie called "Fireproof". It is a Christian movie about a wife who is having an affair.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1129423/

When I watched it, at first I thought it was rather hookey...but then I slept and woke up understanding something. The husband in the movie is a firefighter and there was a line "you never leave your partner behind in a fire"...

I watched it years ago...those words rang true to me to this day.

Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Anon on June 07, 2019, 08:21:17 PM
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I don't understand you saying they give people false hope..what their site has done for me is to support me in standing for my marriage in a world that constantly tells me I am wrong.
Admittedly, this was my own take on it (RMM being overly optimistic) after being a regular visitor for a long time.   I found great comfort in the beginning.  When I learned typical marriages have a dismal rate of return but that was never mentioned on RMM,  I began to lose interest.    Instead, I talked regularly to my church pastors and found similar comfort and support without being given the feeling that marriage restoration is a given if we are just patient and wait for his timing.     This is my personal opinion based on my own experience.  The only thing I would change about my post would be to add this disclaimer.   

Oh,,, and I did watch that movie early into my lbs life and it had a similar impact on me as it did you.   I would probably still get choked up watching it again.    All I can say now xy is that I know the HS resides within and I listen to and follow His urgings.   He has lead me from bd to where I am today and may lead me in a different direction tomorrow.   I don't know but I trust He does,,, and I trust Him.   
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on June 08, 2019, 12:26:46 AM
Faith is such a personal thing so I speak only for me.
Initially i was praying for outcomes...for God to make x or y happen. Which caused me to lose hope and faith tbh.
Then i got to a point where i felt so hopeless, so lost and so confused that I didn't even know what to pray for anymore. I don't think i felt angry with God; I just felt confused and alone.
That was the point for me when I felt God's presence most, just like the story of the footprints in the sand. I felt carried when I had nothing left in me. That was also the point when I stopped praying for outcomes and started simply praying for God to show me what I needed to know and help me do what I needed to do. Even if i had no idea what that was. My faith became much stronger but less of a takeout order if that makes sense?
The glimmering i got from that helped me in two ways....it was a constant refrain to turn my head towards the light and away from the dark for my own survival. And it helped me to act with as much grace as I could find in me towards myself and others....which was not always an easy thing to figure out or do.
And i have never stopped praying for God to support my h in whatever way God sees best to heal him. I trust that God has not abandoned my xh even if my xh abandoned his belief in God. That God will not override my h's free will and that he may know things about what my h needs to experience that I do not...but that he wants the light and peace for both of us and he will not give up on my h even if i have had to step away from him.

but it really was nothing about specific outcomes at all, either for me or for my then h
more about knowing that God was along for the ride and would pick me up if i fell down

Along the way, I also had a couple of uninvited experiences of 'knowing'. They were never about outcomes and always left me with a great sense of peace and a feeling of being seen and loved. One was in the church where my h and I renewed our vows, on our wedding anniversary. I have written about it on my thread. It was a strange and very powerful experience, difficult to describe and almost impossible to describe to people who don't hold that kind of faith, but it reassured me that the love had been big and real and good - both between us and around us and for us. And that my blessing was to be able to know and feel that when my h no longer could. i remember it vividly now; it was a moment of joy, strangely enough, when i felt as if i had been given a gift to remind me of things that i was starting to doubt or lose.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: xyzcf on June 08, 2019, 05:21:36 AM
Anon:
Quote
When I learned typical marriages have a dismal rate of return but that was never mentioned on RMM,  I began to lose interest.

One thing I don't read regularly are the Saturday testimonies, many which seem very foreign to me (although I must say I used to think that seeing a Covenant Transport truck was a "sign").

After BD, living in a foreign country and completely in despair I went to see a priest and shared what had happened. His English wasn't very good but he opened a bible and asked me to read the story of the Prodigal Son.

This and many other biblical stories became a solid foundation for me to believe that even when things seem hopeless, the prodigal can return..interestingly is how the older brother responded to his return!

Returning to the US, I became a member of a charism of the Catholic Church (Communion and Liberation) and we always have song as part of our meetings..."Jesus met the women at the well" struck me....He told her to go tell her husband and she replies, I have no husband and Christ says "You have had 5 husbands and the one you have now is not your own".

This became important to me as well...if I were to meet Christ, would he tell me the same? I know I only have one husband, so I remain faithful to him even though this is not a popular stance in this world.

I was on a church trip and a couple I know, I had actually been to their 50th wedding anniversary. They are very active in social justice issues and attend mass daily.The wife came up to me at a baggage terminal and spoke these words "continue to do what you are doing xyzcf. My husband left me for 18 years." We often meet and talk. She said that it was their faith that finally brought them back.

You are right. Rejoice Ministries doesn't talk about marriages that do not reconcile. They talk about never giving up and trusting God.

It's been such a long journey, that I don't focus anymore on his returning to our family as I once did...Rejoice Ministries' use of scriptures and prayers for our spouses still interest me. Although there is nothing I can do about his crisis or our broken family, I can pray for him...I must pray for him for what he has done is wrong. He is practicing his Catholic faith and doing things that are considered mortal sin. But as I have been counseled by our priests, I do not know his heart, only God does.

His crisis has deepened my faith. And it continues to grow and become more important. Rejoice Ministries also teaches about putting God first in our lives, something that I still find difficult to do and certainly, even though my husband and I went to mass and considered ourselves Christians..I now look back and see how little we gave to Our Lord.

God has a plan. Learning to trust that God's plan for my life is hard for me....

Three other Christian resources that I like:

Broken Heart on Hold by Linda Rooks

It's Not Supposed to be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst

The Gift of Self: A Spiritual Companion for Separated and Divorced Faithful to the Sacrament of Marriage
by Maria Pia Campanella

Praying for all of us, for our families and our spouses. Grateful that we have a place where we can talk it out with others who share our beliefs.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Mortesbride on June 08, 2019, 12:31:32 PM
Well that is a lot to talk about.

In the early days I prayed and prayed...more like wailed  ::) for him to come home. I was in so much pain, and I wanted nothing more than to go back to how things were. For this to all be a nightmare.

Nearly 2 years on I am glad he chose not to answer that prayer. Dealing with MLC is bad enough, but dealing with my MLCer on a daily basis, living in my house, having an affair..would have just been explosive. I would not have been able to detach and change and grow...and he would continue to be angry, feel controlled, hide and sneak and lie... Ultimately if we had to be confined in a house with three small children, while he went through this it would have damaged our relationship more.

He has to go through this. He can do it here in my house, with me having to put up with his mood swings, lying, and eggshell walking....or he can do it out there while I get on with my life.

Sometimes prayers aren't answered. Not to hurt us, but to protect us. We usually can not see why until much further down the road.

Perhaps you should stop trying to pray for an outcome...and just accept that whatever he has planned, you are being looked after.

I liken it to an annoying child. God knows what you want, you have asked him, he can see in your heart. What good does it do us to keep tugging at his ear asking for the same thing over and over?

These days I do not ask for God to do 'something'. I say thank you for my kids, I say thank you when I catch a break, I apologise to him if I mess up....but I trust at the end of the day, things will be the way they are supposed to be. Isn't that what faith is? Believing it will happen, even though all evidence points otherwise?

Faith isn't measured in the number of times you yank his cloth begging for him to do something you want. People have free will. It is our choice to be ''good'' or ''bad''. It is our choice to believe in him, or someone else, or nothing at all. He can not MAKE our MLCer choose to do the right thing. That defeats the purpose of our journey in life.

I suppose you could ask him stuff like ''please send a message to my husband in his dreams, reminding him of the good times''....sure he might do something like that if he see's fit...but if that is useful he will do it anyway don't you think?

I do believe in the gift of intuition. There have been many stories I could share about moments where I just ''knew'' something, both before and after BD. It has saved my life at least 2 times. I do not know if this is something we are born with, or if this is ''messages from God'' as talked about in the old days. I just know that it has happened to me, and when it does you know that it isn't something from you but from somewhere else (God, guardian angel's...whatever).

In terms of time frames...keep in mind that our time and God's time can be completely different.

Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Prism on June 08, 2019, 03:37:25 PM
In the early days, when I felt completely out of control in a grief storm, the one thing that helped even when nothing else would was the mantra "Not my will, Lord, but Thine" -- over and over again until I calmed down. In the last few months, I've continued to pray that mantra as well as a variation on the metta: "May he be safe, may he be healed, may he find peace." Focusing on the words, trying my best to mean them, eventually brings me a deep sense of comfort.

One other thing: possibly the most helpful thing anyone has said to me was very, very early, when the dear mother of a friend put her hands on my shoulders and said "Sweet Prism, God just has a different path for you than you thought, that's all." What an amazingly wise frame! If you believe, if you trust, at some level you have to say, "Ok, God. I'm terrified, I sure don't understand, but I trust You. Show me the way." 
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: CallingHeart on June 08, 2019, 05:03:42 PM
"Sweet Prism, God just has a different path for you than you thought, that's all." What an amazingly wise frame! If you believe, if you trust, at some level you have to say, "Ok, God. I'm terrified, I sure don't understand, but I trust You. Show me the way." 

I have come to recognize this for myself.  I’ve also come to accept the blessing in it.  I had a dream the other night my hwow came up behind me while I was walking forward towards something (my life I guess) and placed his hand on the small of my back, urging me to turn towards him and I just cried because I didn’t know if I could. I felt like Lot!!   

Two mornings later I was praying a prayer of consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus and I received a “knowing” that God has used this betrayal of my husband to actually purify my heart!  The very next night I went for dinner with my neighbor to a sushi restaurant and we couldn’t find a parking space and ended parking on the roof area of the very same building I had parked the last time I saw my husband....   I wasn’t really focused on that because above us was the most spectacular rainbow I’ve ever seen!!  I remember thinking wow this was the exact spot 4 years ago.   I would not have chosen to be there but for the parking situation.  I kept it to myself that was the place because she has wiped up many a tear and has begged me to recognize my own beauty in light of this horrible sitch.

The next day she posted the picture of the rainbow on the news blog (it was that beautiful) and mentioned the photo was taken above the BD restaurant and tagged me.   She had no clue that was my BD spot and she didn’t mention the sushi restaurant her and I visited... it was then when I recognized the sign and was able to tie the dream, the prayer, the rainbow and my surrender after BD to a blessing.  God was giving me consolidation and indicating He hears every prayer and will make beauty (a pure heart) from ashes (a broken heart) after these years of unknowing the reasons “why” but choosing to trust God anyway.  It’s all tied up nicely in God’s plan (albeit not what I would choose for myself) and there’s a meaning to it all.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: CallingHeart on June 08, 2019, 05:37:29 PM
Here’s the rainbow. The multiple photos flew in on social media.
Even our local news station quoted scripture. 
The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. 
https://m.facebook.com/TravisABC13/photos/a.129223047580607/609904069512500/?type=3&source=57&ref=m_notif&notif_t=feed_comment (https://m.facebook.com/TravisABC13/photos/a.129223047580607/609904069512500/?type=3&source=57&ref=m_notif&notif_t=feed_comment)
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 08, 2019, 07:56:39 PM
I just got back from church and the title of the message was "How to find the One, and keep them"..... it was all about marriage and praying for your spouse.

The main theme of the whole sermon was "Love is patience"....

It was like it was meant just for me.....

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: trusting on June 09, 2019, 04:29:47 PM
Quote
I just got back from church and the title of the message was "How to find the One, and keep them"..... it was all about marriage and praying for your spouse.

The main theme of the whole sermon was "Love is patience"....

It was like it was meant just for me.....

That's how God works.  I have had countless times during my H's MLC where I have heard the perfect message, seen the perfect verse, had the perfect words of encouragement at the perfect time.

I concur with the others that Rejoice Ministries is helpful.  The book Broken Heart on Hold got me through those early years. 

As far as how to pray,  I have found my prayers change through different seasons.  But "your will be done" says it all, I think. :)  My H's faith was very important to him pre-MLC, non-existent during MLC, and seems to be creeping back into his life as he seems to be through (or mostly through) his crisis.  I think there's nothing wrong with praying that they remember who they are(were). 
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: megogirl on June 09, 2019, 05:19:34 PM
My H's faith was very important to him pre-MLC, non-existent during MLC, and seems to be creeping back into his life as he seems to be through (or mostly through) his crisis.  I think there's nothing wrong with praying that they remember who they are(were).

DITTO
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on June 10, 2019, 01:20:05 AM
I think for most of us who had a religious faith before this, the experience pushes us hard to figure out what we really feel and believe. About ourselves, others, life and God....it is a very personal journey.

Faith is really about trusting in things unseen and unknown.
And in choosing to live by our own values regardless of what others believe and do.
It is a hard pruning experience but with time it does help us see the core of what faith means in our lives i suspect. And love too perhaps...for ourselves as much as for others.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Trustandlove on June 10, 2019, 01:47:26 AM
Quote
And in choosing to live by our own values regardless of what others believe and do.

This sums it up nicely.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Slow Fade on June 10, 2019, 09:34:01 AM
For me the word I kept hearing when I was in my quiet place was "wait". The word I heard when I was wailing and wanting it to be done and wanting to move on and begging God for a resolution was "wait". Every question I asked of God during the dark times came down to the word "wait". It was very clear.

I prayed a hedge around my H much like Hosea. I prayed for peace for myself. My prayers were turned away from my H and more towards me. I stopped looking "over there" at what my H was doing and focused more on what I should be doing. My Pastor was very adamant about not focusing on what God was doing "over there" and to focus on what God wanted me to do in this moment for me; my growth; my faith.

I railed against the word "wait". People didn't understand it. They thought I was being a door mat. They thought I should divorce and move on. And yet, all I heard from God was "wait". I learned that love is an action, not a feeling. I learned a lot. As much of a cliche as it sounds, I let go and let God. Proverbs 3:5-6 became my mantra and I saw it and heard it everywhere.

No matter what was happening, I tried to keep my focus on God. Easier said than done, but we always learn and grow more in the valleys than on the mountaintops.......
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: trusting on June 10, 2019, 01:45:41 PM
SF, that is what I have heard over and over and over - wait. 

Quote
I railed against the word "wait". People didn't understand it. They thought I was being a door mat. They thought I should divorce and move on. And yet, all I heard from God was "wait". I learned that love is an action, not a feeling. I learned a lot.

Yup.  I identify completely with this.  And still I wait and wait, and I still don't understand the delay.  And I have argued and wrestled with God, but yet I know I am still supposed to wait.  At least until I am told otherwise.

But as we speak, he is here (unexpectedly) cleaning out the garage and working on fixing something in the house, not something the MLC him would do.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: FearNot on June 11, 2019, 02:48:39 PM
I learned that love is an action, not a feeling. I learned a lot. As much of a cliche as it sounds, I let go and let God. Proverbs 3:5-6 became my mantra and I saw it and heard it everywhere.
   It took me awhile to really understand that love wasn't just a feeling. We choose to love and it was difficult to come to terms with the idea that H said he no longer loved me. In reality my Fathers love is all that really matters. The more I come to understand that, the more I understand the action of love.


Like others, I initially was praying for an outcome due to the desperation, the hurt, the fear, not even knowing what to even really pray for or how to pray. As the time has passed my prayers have changed, I have changed, my relationship with God has changed. I pray for H's salvation, protection, God's will, peace, strength and many other things. I learned my prayers don't have to be a beautiful drawn out diatribe, some days just a few words are all I could utter and all that was needed. My prayer is no longer solely focused on my marriage and my H, and I still have a lot to learn. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't "pray this away" if you get what I mean. What I did realize over time and turning to my faith is how many prayers big and small have been answered. Sometimes I feel or hear very clearly the path that I should follow and other times there is the silence. I had to learn to be in that silence and that silence from Him is not punishment, He's still there!!

The one thing that really sticks out for me is that I chose the name FearNot a couple days after BD for this site. Since then the verse  Isaiah 43:1 "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine" has shown up more times than I can even count. The one thing I struggled with immensely was just the "fear" I had for my situation, for my H, for myself, for the future. Fear was a very dominant and visceral thing for me in this and I find it so interesting with my chosen handle, the verse over and over, right down to a plaque that was given to me by my mom last August. It was my Grandmothers, and had been in a box since she passed 37 year ago. She came across it and thought I might like it. Has no idea how it related to me. Now I  have that plaque in view everyday and I have the version of the verse from the plaque tattooed on my foot. "Fear not...thou art mine" to remind me daily who's I am, where I belong  This verse has brought such comfort to me to know that I am His, and I really do not have anything to fear.

I still have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing to do in my faith, but the one thing I understand, but still struggle with is truly giving up that control. Some days are better than others. Learning to just let it rest within His hands, leave my H in his hands and stop wasting my energy trying to orchestrate the outcome. That's some tough stuff to let go of for a control freak, but I'm learning.

If nothing else the one thing I gained from this was my relationship with Him, because I had set that aside while being with my H as a non believer, and in the end...I have gained more than I have lost.

We all have our own views of faith, higher power, our beliefs etc, and it's awesome that we can all share, co exist and support each other.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 11, 2019, 04:09:40 PM
One thing I'm learning (and it will be a long road) is to be still. Oh man.... the depth of this. To be still in the mind and in heart.... crazy. I know he'll teach me, but I don't think it'll be an easy lesson..... actually now that I think about it, none of these lessons are easy  :P

No guarantees, no specific outcomes except that in the end we will be better and changed.

I'm reading a book on prayer and hope to become a fiery cauldron of prayer.

One thing I'm curious about is.... we're all praying for our MLC'er.... that's a given. I've been reading about intercessory prayer and that's happened a couple times in my life. Has anyone been awoken in the night or stopped in their tracks to pray for their MLC'er? If you did...... did you ever find out what for?

I had an experience last night where I had asked God to allow me to intercede for W, if I'd be allowed to and if I could handle it...... a little while later while still praying I felt something that wasn't of me, and it was a pain..... real pain and deep sadness, sorrow even.... right in the center of my being. I know it was my spirit, and I'm not sure what it was connecting to. W in that moment? Something happening? I don't know. I wasn't led to pray for anything in particular in that moment, but it was.... something. After I grieved the feeling for a min or two, it was withdrawn from me.
I don't know if that counts for interceding as I wasn't led to pray for something or someone..... but it was real, and it was powerful.

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Slow Fade on June 12, 2019, 08:17:43 AM
Quote
I don't know if that counts for interceding as I wasn't led to pray for something or someone..... but it was real, and it was powerful.
This is amazing Standing. Gave me goosebumps. You know, the Spirit does intercede for us when we don't have the words..........  :)
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Jackolar12 on June 13, 2019, 08:36:35 AM
My life has become like the trials of Job, anyone else have this feeling ? At first I used to ask God for reconciliation daily but I kept getting “remove the dross from the silver so the silversmith can do his work”.i guess he has a greater calling for me eventually when my trials end.

I’m leaving it in his hands now and just endeavour to persevere each day until I get where I’m supposed to be in His great plan. From my perspective if my former wife truly loved me she would not have betrayed me through MLC, Menopause, Satanic Possession, Alien Abduction or whatever label fits the situation as she was a Christian woman (allegedly). The whole experience has left me exasperated and fearful of future relationships, but my faith is rock solid.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Slow Fade on June 13, 2019, 08:59:27 AM
Quote
The whole experience has left me exasperated and fearful of future relationships, but my faith is rock solid.

Amen Brother.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 13, 2019, 07:05:45 PM
I would LOVE to pray with MLC W.......

They can't feel anything..... how can you not feel God? I think it's impossible.

Just a thought.

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on June 13, 2019, 10:34:21 PM
Most MLCers for whom faith was important before seem to reject God too.
I think i remember my then h - when he was still flailing and talking a bit - saying he went to sit in a church, could feel there was peace there but couldn't reach it, that it was all a con and that he no longer believed in God bc God no longer believed in him.
And this was someone who before his crisis sang in a church choir and was exploring if he had a vocation to be a vicar....
I have no idea if he has set foot in a church since. His new marriage was a handfasting civil ceremony.

Ironically my faith became much stronger and more real to me as I stumbled through this crisis and I am grateful for that.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 13, 2019, 10:46:32 PM
Oh I forgot to share..... I go to church on Saturday nights (very convenient) and this last Saturday I was driving to church and talking to God.

I asked God what the most important feature of a woman is....... let me explain why I asked this: I was having some doubt, some fear..... the same that everyone has..... what if this MLC takes too long? What if they don't come out at all? What if they choose to not go back with you? What then? How long until giving up.... I don't want to give up..... 5 years? I'd be 47.... is that too old? What if it's 10 and then I find out it's not happening? You know, monkey-brain and the realities of MLC. The tough questions.

Anyway..... God answered right away: "Righteousness: A Godly woman".
Wow. I always valued that, but I hadn't put it into perspective. I then began thinking about W...... and how she is/was a Godly woman. I found myself reaffirming that I want to stand, no matter the outcome (but really wanting her to return of course).

That night the sermon was about dating and who you should choose to be your H or W....... the #1 thing the minister said was to look for righteousness in a potential spouse.
Now put it into perspective.... at my church, they are generally middle age or older and they're all married. It was really weird to see a message like this being preached to that audience.
I know it was for me.

While I struggle with letting go, and try to figure out HOW to do so.... I'm not alone. I pray my W doesn't fall into temptation..... and I pray God leads her out of the tunnel.
What a trying time which is yet to come.... but I know I'm not alone.

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 13, 2019, 11:02:36 PM
Most MLCers for whom faith was important before seem to reject God too.
I think i remember my then h - when he was still flailing and talking a bit - saying he went to sit in a church, could feel there was peace there but couldn't reach it, that it was all a con and that he no longer believed in God bc God no longer believed in him.
And this was someone who before his crisis sang in a church choir and was exploring if he had a vocation to be a vicar....
I have no idea if he has set foot in a church since. His new marriage was a handfasting civil ceremony.

Ironically my faith became much stronger and more real to me as I stumbled through this crisis and I am grateful for that.

I know what you mean Treasur,
My MIL hasn't gone back to church since she MLC'ed 30 years ago. Avoids it like the plague...... which now that I think about it, is really really fascinating. When I met her for the 1st time (oh boy... I was 19... LOL, how time flies) I asked to go somewhere with her.... just me and her. No OM (she was married to him at the time) no Pre-W. This really took her by surprise but she went with me. We had a great talk, and we prayed together.... that really shocked her. She's loved me ever since. She calls me "her son, her son" and "her favorite son". Each time I see her, we have what she calls "our date".... which is weird but endearing. When I see her in AUG, I'm going to make sure we pray again.

My W now doesn't want to go to church now and hasn't since BD #1..... that has me very worried for her. She explained at BD #1 "She doesn't want anyone putting thoughts in her head about how she should live.... she has enough of that already". I remember thinking that was so sad... and disbelief that it was coming out of her mouth. Amazing how the core of a person is shaken to its very foundations during MLC (and uprooted). No matter what happens to me, the most important thing is W not turning from God. I'm expendable.

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on June 13, 2019, 11:13:33 PM
My friend, you have to let go and let God pick up his relationship with your w too. Her rejection of church is not uncommon...actually it is very textbook according to the Conway book from years ago, the rebellion and rejection of God, spouse, job and body....but it isn't yours to fix is it? You may not agree with her, but this is how your w feels right now, it is her reality. Concentrate on your faith and pray for her by all means...but let God pick up all the stuff beyond your pay grade bc he knows the truth of your w's heart and soul in a way that none of us can. As LBS, we have enough to do looking after our own side of the street  :)
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 13, 2019, 11:22:41 PM
Oh yes, I know.... I can't fix it.
I think it's natural to be concerned about someone you love though.

Pray, pray, pray  :)

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Slow Fade on June 14, 2019, 07:51:18 AM
I found it odd that when H walked out, he continued to go to our Church, albeit at a different service time. I was amazed how he could face people we knew for 14 years, some of whom knew our situation to include the Pastor himself, and not feel out of place or ashamed.  ???

He acted like it was no big deal. I can't imagine how he must have squirmed in his seat at some of the messages. Or maybe he just didn't listen? Totally goes to show how "right" they think they are. Either that or he was trying to do damage control.....IDK.  ;)

Before he left, we counseled with our Pastor (who unbeknownst to H knew about his affair) and lied to his face. Told him he would never just walk out on us. Well, a month later he did just that. And STILL continued to sit in Church and look that Pastor in the eye. It just amazed me.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: trusting on June 15, 2019, 01:18:52 PM
Quote
She explained at BD #1 "She doesn't want anyone putting thoughts in her head about how she should live.... she has enough of that already"

Script - my H said the SAME THING!  He didn't want anyone telling him how to live his life. Of course, looking back, I know in reference to his faith that he meant (subconsciously or not) that he knew he was making the wrong choices and just didn't want to feel guilty or ashamed about it. 

He has attended the occasional service with us (mostly Easter and/or Christmas) since BD.  It bothered me tremendously and of course still does, but at the same time, if he did go I would see it as glaring hypocrisy.  Not so much now, but definitely when he was in the thick of the crisis.  He is turning back into himself, so his faith seems to be sneaking back up on him.  Very slowly.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: megogirl on June 15, 2019, 04:59:43 PM
I found it odd that when H walked out, he continued to go to our Church, albeit at a different service time. I was amazed how he could face people we knew for 14 years, some of whom knew our situation to include the Pastor himself, and not feel out of place or ashamed.  ???

He acted like it was no big deal. I can't imagine how he must have squirmed in his seat at some of the messages. Or maybe he just didn't listen? Totally goes to show how "right" they think they are. Either that or he was trying to do damage control.....IDK.


SlowFade

MY XH lives near his parents, in his PERFECT hometown.  And OW lives but a stone's throw from their house.

XH grew up going to their church.  We MARRIED in a church.  His dad is the current SECRETARY of his church. 

How these people sleep at night, I will never know.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: megogirl on June 15, 2019, 05:26:12 PM
but at the same time, if he did go I would see it as glaring hypocrisy.

I called my XH out when he was about to become his cousins' new baby's GODFATHER.  I'd contacted his cousin/baby's mother to let her know the exact sitch involving her cousin.

Couldn't make that up
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: evas on June 15, 2019, 06:15:38 PM
I don't post here anymore, but sometimes check in because there are threads I still follow. However, I felt I had something to add to this discussion

My husband's MLC is in the past as it reached its peak in the spring and summer of 2012. After years of deep depression and strange behavior and a lot of blaming everything bad on me, he finally left me and our then 4-year old son a week after BD and moved straight into OW's cramped apartment. OW was a young girl, a co-worker. Anyway, what followed was script, script, script.

I'm not sure when or how I began praying. I suppose I began more or less right away, because I was very depressed and almost suicidal in those early days. Then at some point I connected with another woman on this forum, whose timeline and circumstances very much matched mine. We started praying together, mostly via Skype, since she was (still is) in Europe and I was (still am) in the US. For some reason we both "felt" the Virgin Mary present during our prayers, and so we started praying to her (which was quite new to me at the time). I cannot remember whether it was my friend or I who found the Express Novena (aka the Memorare), but we began praying it several times a day, simultaneously. I still have one of the papers where I have checked off the prayer nine times. Miraculously my friend's husband returned a few months into our praying and a week later my husband came back as well.

A friend of me in the town where I live (and lived at the time), asked me who the woman was who was walking next to me all the time. I thought she was crazy, because I was always walking alone or with my young song, then I realized it was Mother Mary she saw next to me.

My friend from this forum and I still occasionally pray together and we are very much in contact, but the miraculous, powerful feeling of having the Virgin by our side the way we had back then so intensely, has never come back. I know Mother Mary is with me at all times, but I do miss that very intense feeling of her presence.


This is the prayer, to be repeated nine times.

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence,
I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother;
to thee do I come,
before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen"

To conclude: My husband has been back for seven years this August, and is better than ever. It took me a long, long time to get over his MLC, but these days I rarely think about it. We have a beautiful, talented 11-year old son, who thankfully remembers little if anything from this horrible time, and we have a wonderful family life.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: xyzcf on June 15, 2019, 07:02:28 PM
Thank you evas for sharing your beautiful story!

Mary is a wonderful Mother and she holds me close.. I too didn't know her until this happened..She is my mother and my husband's mother..when she asked her son to perform His first miracle, the changing water into wine at the wedding of Cana...what a strong women she was to ask Our Lord to do something. like that. And He did it..with the better wine that had been served before.

And so, we can ask Mary to intercede for us, for her Son still listens to His mother's requests.

Mother Teresa spoke about an Emergency novena, repeating the Memorare 9 times...I have said it and have been totally amazed at the results.

"Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence,
I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother;
to thee do I come,
before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
despise not my petitions,
but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen"
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Standing Strong on June 15, 2019, 08:02:01 PM
I have a journal with everything God is telling, teaching and convicting me of during this process..... tonight I have a new entry that I'd like to share:

As I was getting ice for my water (I drink a TON of water each night)..... clear as a bell and out of nowhere....

"How do you expect her to look inside and fix herself when you are not willing to do the same?".

Ouch..... now THAT is a hammer to my head..... and completely true. Fixing what is superficial is something I was happy to do.... getting deep and facing what I don't want to face (and I know what I don't want to face)..... there's a deep cut.
Well, this is what it's all about right?

Go right, or go left? I will go right.... but it sure won't be easy.

-SS
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: trusting on June 15, 2019, 08:34:12 PM
Evas, thank you for sharing your story.  I remember you from years ago.  It is wonderful to hear how well you and your family are doing! 
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: TurtleGal on July 17, 2019, 08:28:08 AM

 No matter what happens to me, the most important thing is W not turning from God. I'm expendable.

-SS

SS-
You have such an amazing outlook and seem to be very strong in your faith! I feel that this is the most important thing for myself in all of this madness, that I become stronger in my faith and my relationship with God. This is the only relationship in my life that I can be absolutely certain of and it is the relationship that I should prioritize above all others.
I also came to the point where I realized that even if my H could never turn back to me, it is more important that he turn back to God. H's eternal salvation is more important than anything we have here on earth. Since I came to this realization, I have prayed daily for my H's relationship with God. That does not mean that I have stopped praying for God's intervention in other ways, but we know that God will "leave the 99 to save the 1 lost".

All of that being said, as long as you keep praying, pray boldly, and let the spirit lead you, your prayers will be answered. Maybe the answer will be "wait" or maybe the answer will be "no", but we are told in His word to ask of Him all things. If we do not ask then how will we ever receive? Also, pray for yourself- for peace, for guidance, for strength, and for all the things that you know you need to change. IMO God will change us much faster than He will change others and our growth through all of this is were we should be focused. (still easier said than done :) )

Stay strong in your faith, you are doing so well!
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: terra on July 17, 2019, 11:22:39 AM
SS, I am going to answer you straight on as I just found this thread on a morning in which I am stuck somewhere in the emotional version of the Mariana Trench.

H and I both are religious. His family and upbringing were very old-school and formal religious with all expected guilt and judgment features. Mine was ultimately more cavalier (good and bad) but I have an easy and loving relationship with our God. And I trust Him. H does not and has had negative experiences and expectations from faith community, most specifically in family of origin but also in all the years of schooling. I am the only person in my family of origin who still practices our family faith.

I prayed headlong and heartfully for our marriage and family for years, and especially when MLC began. I have been answered many times by living examples of either exactly what I asked, or by living symbols or natural occurrences that pertained to the prayer or to specific Scripture or Psalms. Many times have I cried out in tears or on paper in terrible anguish, only to be met sometimes almost instantly by a living bird that comes unnaturally close for a long gentle look, or a telephone call from exactly the right person at exactly the right time.

Once, MLC h berated me over the phone about not filing for unemployment. I had been sick and bedridden for an unusual length of time and the state unemployment system honestly was down each time I was up enough to sit at the computer and file. I told h that right now nothing was as simple as he thought it should be. He yelled that it was, and that he had done it himself and knew it.

I hung up the phone shuddering and blasted. It rang again instantly. I thought it was him calling me back. I answered and instead it was a recruiter calling for a contract, a well known global client needed my especial skills and they wanted to see me as soon as I could be at their offices. The site is walking distance from my house. I was hired immediately. So there was no reason to file for unemployment at all, and no reason for h to yell at me the way he did.

I don’t know who prayed that prayer but it was an absolute blessing to see it answered exactly that way.

Another example: I’ve really been in it today, since well before the sun came up. It’s in my thread and by the way thank you again for your kind comment there a few days ago when I first posted. This morning I’ve cried and written here for hours, cried and written equally long content to my sister, cried again and just thought, what am I even doing? How am I taking this trip next month on those two days of all days? And a brother in Christ on the other side of the country phoned in and just said, “Hello terra, how you doin’ there, kid?” as though he’d heard or read or felt every word. And he’s one of us, if he were here I’m sure his story would be now in the light purple or fully purple pages. So there is something to it — our prayers are definitely heard, and sometimes the answers are wildly immediate. For me, the immediate answers always come with very obvious signature of God, of Christ, of the faith entity you’ve prayed to. I trust that if you have not experienced this yet, *you will*.

One year I surrendered h and the marriage at the foot of the Cross, publicly, during Holy Week. I have never been so open and visible in my faith, and it was almost involuntary and impossible to stop. I have balanced my embarrassment at that with the awareness that sometimes a living example is necessary for others to see that it is ok and even what we are asked, as persons of faith, to show and live our faith no matter what the world would have us do outside the walls of the church. It was a terrible Easter, literally days after my missing h had informed me that he’d been living with an OW.

I don’t know what I prayed in my shock. That OW disappeared within two months and has never been a topic again. He came home after that and stayed for a summer. Then politics happened and he was off and running again. My phone just tried to write “running” as “stinking” for some reason and I have to say, that too.

I prayed several times daily during Lent one year. I think that was the year h felled me with the BD about move away with OW2, who I had suspected but who he’d lied about at every turn. It was a very bad result after prayer and I didn’t know what to do after that.

Last year I think he and I both prayed individually for OW2 to go away. We were at least on the same page a lot last year, and he did send OW2 all the way out of his life, and brought me back in closer. We spent summertime birthdays together and he showed me the churches he wanted to maybe visit and become part of. So that’s part of it too — pray and keep praying, and maybe the big ask is that the Lord simply works on your MLC spouse to turn their faces back to HIM. Because really He is the only one who can hold them and heal them, or help them to heal themselves. Keep praying that your spouse will turn to HIM for comfort, solace, and even companionship.

We women may have it a bit easier in that we are counseled to turn to Christ as our Husband when things like this happen. I don’t know that there is a similar or parallel instruction for men. As a woman but also for that instruction reason, I know that brothers in Christ are invaluable allies during this journey. If you cannot look to your God as a spouse, I know He is there for us as a deeply loving Father, and maybe also in some way as a brother. I know in any case that He is there for us all to lean on and be held by in our times of fear or abject loneliness. Wife or husband, do turn your face toward Him. That’s what is asked of us all, and I think it is reasonable for us to pray for our spouses to look to Him first as well.

H is irreligious enough to resist a covenant (church) marriage and I think that is part of the problem for us. It was a problem in both previous marriages as well. I responded to the finalization of XH’s legal divorce by annulling the marriage through the church. The harassment and unnecessary court actions came to a dead halt after that. H still refuses to annul after XW’s legal divorce, and to this day, even though she left him to marry someone else, she is still after him with uncommon hostility (I don’t miss that). I’m grateful for the peace the annulment afforded me. Somehow it was the only thing to do, to stop all the evil in the person I had first been married to. I wish I could persuade h to do same as I think it released my divorcer from all guilt? Or absolved him? And meant that I held him to nothing. It was my way of giving XH what he wanted. And it was the right thing to do in that case. It may be the right thing in this case too but I am not ready to go that far yet.

The decree of nullity was issued by the diocese on my birthday. The secular world is not going to be that personal or specific. This is what I mean: your prayers when answered may often be signed with somehow the clear signature of God. Or put another way, by Someone or Something Who Loves You Very Much.

This year has not been good and so finally I left off praying for h. His parents and my siblings (both kin and siblings in Christ) have asked me directly how I would like them to pray. I have had to tell each of them that I don’t know anymore, and that his life is his own and I don’t want to pray against his happiness. I want him to be happy. It doesn’t matter if it is with me. I have also had to tell his parents very gently that I understand he may choose to be with someone else, and that if he does, really, because we love him, we have to allow for and accept his choices as his decisions for his best life. This is difficult because his parents are definitely going to die sometime very soon. They both want us together. I’ve asked others to pray over h and his son that they come to know God, to know His comfort and His love, and all of His protections. I have asked that they pray for my daughter and myself similarly, although we have an open dialogue with God in our house all day every day.

For myself I pray the hedge of thorns. This has been really key at several points since I started praying it. If h gets through and is not coming correct, I know I have to ask myself how I am disrupting God’s will with my own. That prayer is new for me this year so I am learning discernment as I go.

The first time I prayed it, it was immediately answered by a Bible study group for support with this kind of prayer or life focus. I’ve been on a waitlist but am joining a group starting later this summer. It seems especially geared toward wives but is well organized and I think there must be a parallel structure for husbands. Definitely there are leadership groups for prayer and marital/family support through what seems a real riot of decay in today’s culture. I can PM you later with links that might be springboards to groups in your area.

I know this post is long and I’m sorry about that. The short version is that I prayed a lot and specifically, and sometimes that was right. Sometimes what I thought was a good prayer just wasn’t! Or maybe it was not right time? Surrendering the MLC spouse fully to God felt like a betrayal or abandonment, but I don’t think it is one.

Just as we are told to focus on our relationship with self, and/or with the kids, I think we are also meant to focus only on our own relationship with God. Fostering our children’s relationship with Him as well, if that’s appropriate. For me it truly has been a 1:1 relationship and the results are visible, no one questions that He is providing consistently when h has not.

And He knows I am upset over h, and with Him as a result. But He also knows I trust, and will receive the answers or promise fulfillments as He will give them.

I have to trust that God will watch over h and his son every step of the way no matter what I do, think, say, or pray. And I pray for that anyway. As well, prayers over all the marriages that find their way to these boards. If nothing else, I think prayer for others keeps our hearts gentle. That’s better to me, than living the other way.

Thank you SS for good discussion topic; I needed it today.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on July 17, 2019, 11:34:25 AM
There have been plenty of times when I have had no words, no idea what to say in prayer. And then a dear friend said that I should remember that God knows the secrets of our heart and so it was ok to just be still and say nothing at all but trust that God would hold me close and hear me anyway.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: terra on July 17, 2019, 12:36:50 PM
One thing I'm curious about is.... we're all praying for our MLC'er.... that's a given. I've been reading about intercessory prayer and that's happened a couple times in my life. Has anyone been awoken in the night or stopped in their tracks to pray for their MLC'er? If you did...... did you ever find out what for?

I had an experience last night where I had asked God to allow me to intercede for W, if I'd be allowed to and if I could handle it...... a little while later while still praying I felt something that wasn't of me, and it was a pain..... real pain and deep sadness, sorrow even.... right in the center of my being. I know it was my spirit, and I'm not sure what it was connecting to. W in that moment? Something happening? I don't know. I wasn't led to pray for anything in particular in that moment, but it was.... something. After I grieved the feeling for a min or two, it was withdrawn from me.
I don't know if that counts for interceding as I wasn't led to pray for something or someone..... but it was real, and it was powerful.

-SS

SS I don’t mean to take up so much space on your thread here but yes on being stopped in tracks to pray for MLC spouse. Also weirdly stopped in tracks to pray for someone else’s.

In one very specific case with h, I was away in the state that he later moved away to with OW2 and where he still lives. I was staying at my mother's house for a long visit, it was planned months in advance without consulting h, who had been AWOL for months, but also turned out to be the same month that I received BD that h had been dating and in fact would move away weeks later with OW2. (Sorry for rubbish writing there; I’m so tired.) It was also the month of our birthdays.

My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship but it was a good day between us. We were picking up my local cellphone and new telephone number. The idea was that I was living “as if” (and I admit I no longer understand what that means), and my intention was to be home there quarterly to keep an eye on and help with both elderly parents. But it was also h’s birthday, and by this time I knew his property was on the market and that he was blowing full steam ahead and moving away with some OW I had only ever heard about a few weeks before.

I was ok all day with my mother and my work deadlines and any other anything. But after we stopped to take photos of a beautiful Spirit-filled new mural in town near the phone store, a song came on the car radio and I involuntarily burst into the most terrible anguished tears, just raw and unstoppable. My mother said my name for I swear one of the very few times in my life, and she pulled the car over. I just could not stop crying. And I couldn’t tell you why, and I couldn’t tell her either. It was just his birthday, and that song, and it was like the whole world crashed around me.

Fast forward one full year later, the property has sold, he moved away, and the OW IS GONE. He and I are together for his birthday and then my own in that same state. Almost exactly a year later, like, within hours of exact, he told me about the previous year.

He had taken OW to our best celebration restaurant. And in the middle of dinner and fully publicly, she had a medical episode that disrupted everything, drew all attention, required paramedics and ambulance, and a frightening night in the hospital.

When he told me, I understood. I am good at weathering anything and I am an excellent emergency responder. But all of it, now explained exactly a year later, made me cry again. Because sometimes you just feel them, the MLC spouse. And many people might not understand that this is even possible or true, but he and I have been apart for a few years now and it just is both.

I do try to give it my full heart attention when it happens, and I pray for intercession (God’s or my own, maybe really just me saying Yes, God, please help there right now as You will). It happens with people aside from h, and in those cases, I make a phone call to see that they’re ok. I cannot freely contact h because the presence of OW to me is prohibitive. But I did and do find out directly from h himself, later on, why I am called to attention on his behalf.

That same OW was sent away within one year, but appears to somehow be back in force this year. I will be in the same state at the same time anyway, this year, and today I guess I am struggling to trust that no matter what happens, I will be ok.

There are times when I feel an awareness of something that is not me or of my own pain or burden, and I don’t always know what that is. Sometimes I feel wary of it. Asking God to take care of it is then the right thing to do, and it passes, but it also remains as an insight I might not otherwise have had. So I am grateful. And at same time, have prayed to keep boundary around myself and to not know things unless He would have me know.

Thank you again for amazing discussion and thread.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: xyzcf on July 17, 2019, 12:43:42 PM
Quote
Because sometimes you just feel them, the MLC spouse. And many people might not understand that this is even possible or true, but he and I have been apart for a few years now and it just is both.

Yes. This I believe to be true.

At times, when I have been in my darkest times, sometimes when this hits me suddenly and for no "good" apparent reason...I sense that this is not my pain but his that I am feeling at that moment.

We have been apart 10 years but there is still a deep bond between us....even when months go by, even his living half way around the world...it has happened too many times to just be a  coincidence.

God gives me the peace I need, when I need and that too is a mystery but one for which I am deeply grateful.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Disillusioned on July 17, 2019, 05:53:34 PM
There have been plenty of times when I have had no words, no idea what to say in prayer. And then a dear friend said that I should remember that God knows the secrets of our heart and so it was ok to just be still and say nothing at all but trust that God would hold me close and hear me anyway.

I just LOVE this.  Thank you,  Treasur.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Stand Tall on July 29, 2019, 07:27:42 PM
xyzcf,

  I have often felt the same thing. I've felt some very deep pain and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. My intuition told me that it was him. Then everytime I ask myself if my stand is the right thing for me to do my intuition always screams "wait" So I wait.

  I had God show me a few times that he is working. A photo came across FB of my H having his motorcycle blessed. There was about 50 bikes at the blessing and it could have been anyone in the photo, but it was my H. I knew that was a message to tell me that he had H in his sites.

  God has answered my prayers financially also. Nothing has been easy, but something always comes through when I need it the most. I told my son that I had a premonition about his business. A voice told me that my son's business would take off in early summer. Sure enough it has. Almost daily he gets a phone call with someone needing a property manager. This helps me as I clean his rental and I will also be his assistant in the near future. Things are going so well. I thank my Lord everyday. 

  I have always been a fan of Oprah and on Sunday's she has what she calls "Super Soul Sunday" its her sit down interview with different people. This past Sunday she had a man on who had been on her show years ago. I always loved when he came on. His name is Gary Zukav. He has written  a number of books about finding who you are and about your soul. He isn't religious he is more spiritual. I would recommend everyone to check him out on YouTube.

  After reading every ones stories I felt a pull to go back to the religion that I grew up in. I was raised Catholic, but left the church after my first divorce. With the talk about how the virgin Mary has helped others I felt that this is what I need. My oldest sister has asked me to go back to the church. I felt such a pull last night that I now know that its where I need to be.

  God Bless everyone
-Stand
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Seahorse on July 30, 2019, 05:19:09 PM
Hello fellow Christians -
I am attaching, and have enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts on religion and prayer.

The ONLY thing that allowed me to totally detach was to give the situation and our marriage to God to do His will, not mine.  I would love to have my H back from a mortal standpoint, but truly want God's will for my future.  I believe in the covenant of marriage, and I believe that God can change a person.  We've heard so many times about how the MLCer returns and the relationship is better than before.  I truly believe that's because God has been working on the MLCer and the LBS to become stronger and more grounded people to have a healthier relationship, spiritually, physically and emotionally.

I love that Joe Beam (marriage helper) believes in "praying your spouse into the pig pen".  Makes me laugh.

Also, some of you have listened to the Steinkamps (Rejoice Marriage Ministry) - I find it very difficult (although I do it), to pray for the ow's salvation.  Counterintuitive from a mortal standpoint, but obviously the right thing to do...

Blessing to all.

Sea
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Treasur on July 30, 2019, 11:39:41 PM
I stopped praying for any outcome for my xh other than for God to keep him in his hand and help him heal in whatever way God thought best. Prayed a LOT for God to show me what I should do though and give me the strength to do it!

Now my prayers are more often prayers of thanks....but I still pray for my xh's healing every night along with my prayers for those I love.

The 'pig pen' comment is funny....what does he mean by that, that you should be praying for them to hit rock bottom?
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Seahorse on August 03, 2019, 03:54:11 PM
Treasur:

Here is an excerpt from an interview with Joe Beam where he explains that phrase:

Pray Them Into The “Pigpen”

Dr. Joe Beam: On a previous podcast you mentioned praying for a wayward spouse, and you made a specific statement: Pray them into the pigpen.

Leighann McCoy: That’s right.

Dr. Joe Beam: Please explain what that means.

Leighann McCoy: Well, when Jesus was sharing the story of the Prodigal Son, He says the son comes to the father and then he leaves. Then, the father does an interesting thing. The father stays and he watches, and he waits for the son to come back home. He doesn’t go chasing after him, he doesn’t go trying to convince him to come back, he just stays home. So, where was it that the son came to his senses? It wasn’t when he was living high, it wasn’t when he had all the riches and when things were going well. The son came to his senses when things were not going well, when there was a famine and all he had left to do was to eat the leftovers from what the pigs had-

Dr. Joe Beam: The pig slop, yes.

Leighann McCoy: -Yes, that he had been feeding them. So just that experience of coming down to ground zero is where he suddenly opened his eyes and thought, “Wow, I should go back to my father.” Because even at his father’s house, the servants had better than he had. Even then, the son didn’t have a right understanding of how great the father’s love was for him, but he had enough understanding to know that he didn’t have to stay here and eat the pig slop.

Leighann McCoy: So when we pray for people that are doing like that, they’ve disregarded God’s instructions, they’ve chosen to have a hardened heart. Then our nature because we love them so much is to pray, “God protect them, take care of them, make sure they’re not hurt.” We don’t want to pray pain into their life. But could we trust God enough to pray Divine pain? The kind of pain that God knows, He knows how much is enough, and how messy it has to get, and then trust God with that. Could we pray for that to happen in their lives so that they can open their eyes and understand?

Dr. Joe Beam: They come to their senses. As I was saying earlier, I think it still comes back to your attitude, “I’m just praying meanness.”

Leighann McCoy: Right, not that.

Dr. Joe Beam: That’s not a good prayer.

Dr. Joe Beam: By the way, if you’re not familiar with this Bible story, it is in the 15th chapter of Luke if you want to go look. The son is sometimes referred to as the “Prodigal Son,” but it’s a story where the son finally realized all that he had lost. I’ve encouraged spouses to pray for that.

Leighann McCoy: Yes.

Dr. Joe Beam: Pray your spouse into the pigpen.

Leighann McCoy: It’s good.

Dr. Joe Beam: Because that’s what Leighann told me you should be praying. You should pray them into the pigpen.

Leighann McCoy: That’s a good thing to pray.
Title: Re: God, Prayer and MLC
Post by: Mortesbride on August 06, 2019, 07:20:16 AM
If God wants to send you into the pig pen he will do it of his own accord.

Numerous stories in the Bible of similar circumstances.

God isn't just the 'love and light' most people like to believe, he teaches hard lessons and will get angry when people don't listen.

As humans I think sometimes we are more stubborn than we realise and sometimes we can only learn through negative situations. When we are so uncomfortable we are forced to change or remain unhappy.

As for.


 I find it very difficult (although I do it), to pray for the ow's salvation.  Counterintuitive from a mortal standpoint, but obviously the right thing to do...


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