Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Rising Phoenix on June 08, 2019, 07:02:49 AM

Title: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 08, 2019, 07:02:49 AM
New thread
Quick recap: bd 2014 a week before xmas. Very quick relationship to leaving to be with ow. 2 mth from start to living together. 10 return with 3 yrs of cake eating. Never told me he loves her. Became vanisher to me and the kids when caught having coffee with his wife. H filed for divorce July 2017. Nothing further. Still not divorced and solicitor has not heard from h since Aug 2018. With ow virtually 24/7 apart from rare different shift pattern.

I have been chasing sorting the finances and divorce but get ignored. Finally got separate phone and text updates re kids. Ow unaware. Does not reply to text unless about car maintenance!

Said would speak in the next week (3 wk ago) after I said do you want divorce if not will have to speak to me. If do let’s get sorted. Did not arrange.

I text yest that I didn’t mean to be rude but this is firetrucking stupid! That h said he wanted to be left alone with new life and new family so if we sort the kids and I will never contact him again. I promise.
I said am off work till tues

Has finally replied to meet Tuesday next week! All he replied was “Tuesday”. That’s it! Tuesday! I’m not avail tues!

Unsure why I feel rather upset. The end of an era? I know it needs to be done to move forward and get out of limbo land. I’m pushing fir it so why do I feel like utter sh%#te? Xx
Old thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10753.msg728276#msg728276
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on June 08, 2019, 08:37:06 AM
Staying with you

I think you probably feel s h i t because it he does sort it and you no longer need to see him etc you know what that entails for your kids. I think without kids in the mix, you maybe wouldn’t be too bothered. That said, I understand why you are upset. But then who knows, he may not actually sort anything! It’s been three weeks since he said next week.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on June 08, 2019, 09:26:11 AM
Bc it wasn't what you wanted for your family, bc this wasn't who you married, bc it's hard.
All I can suggest is take a breath and remember two things.
The practical benefits to you and your kids of finalising the divorce.
And that MLC trumps divorce and the one thing all of us learn as LBS is that things change.
All we can do is work with what we have the best we can, RP, and you have done that for your kids.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 08, 2019, 12:28:05 PM
And if he is anything like my H, Tuesday will likely not happen.  They are such flakes!

And yes sad bc this is not what you wanted. What any of us envisioned for our lives. To be unilaterally removed from someone’s life that we were so closely involved with for YEARS is soul crushing. So I find that I do get triggered even when I think I’m doing so well. Take the time to mourn this next “loss”. And know that you are doing this for you and your children’s well-being. You are an amazing Mama Lion.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 09, 2019, 03:00:00 AM
Thanks girls, I don’t feel as bad today. I know it needs to be done. This is what he said he wanted so that’s what I am giving him. I replied I am available either Tuesday lunch or evening. I also included d14 got star if the week again at her drama school. H  has read but not replied. Sometimes I wonder if truly mlc but then I think any sane adult with an exit affair would at least reply well done to d14 or text her directly well done.
As ow obviously doesn’t know I text I wonder if he truly doesn’t want contact or he is scared oh her reaction if she knew. I think we will leave that thought alone now as probably too much monkey braining.

I feel I am out of options in getting him to finalise things and rather tired of the whole mess. I don’t have the energy to chase it any mire so I’m not going to chase for a discussion Tuesday and will ring the mortgage company tomorrow to see if there is anything I can proceed with alone. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Shelly7435 on June 09, 2019, 08:05:26 AM
Following along.
This whole MLC thing is so frustrating. You are allowed to have your moments. Unfortunately it probably does need to be done. I know mine did and I’m glad i did. H now has a 2M lien on the house we used to share and his wages are being garnished. Still my authentic H but this new one no thanks!
You are doing awesome!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on June 10, 2019, 01:00:27 PM
Rising, I get your frustration. These MLCers are impossible to deal with. Pushing to discuss stuff with my H hasn't ever worked out for me. I find that they say whatever is easier to say on that day. Your H agreeing to Tuesday, as if agreeing to get the D over and done with so you never have to see him again, might have seemed like the best option to him that day to live in peace. Today, he might have changed his mind, or have completely forgotten.

The ignoring your text about D14 getting star of the week (congratulations D14!), is a confirmation of your H being in crisis and that you're not just going through a normal separation. I do suspect that OW is behind your H not answering this text. Not necessarily because she's seeing the messages on your extra phone, but that she has your H so scared to cheat on her, possibly threatening major consequences for having any contact with you, because your H needs to be faithful to her, that your H is being a good boy even when she's not around. My H went through a long period like that. They want to be a good partner to the OW in the way they know they weren't to us. When my H ignored my texts about my kids, I started to ignore H.

Trying to deal with the house sale by yourself might be the best option for you for now.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 11, 2019, 05:04:06 AM
Attaching
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on June 11, 2019, 09:03:35 AM
Hope today went okay for you RP (if it went ahead)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 11, 2019, 09:08:28 AM
Thanks everyone. At present, nothing from h. I text when I was available and h is checking several times a day to see if I have text but h has not arranged anything. I could text I suppose to meet shortly but I really can’t be bothered. I would probably get an excuse of why he can’t. I said I could do lunch time or evening but j read and ignored. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Standing Strong on June 11, 2019, 09:10:30 AM
Jumping on too
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 11, 2019, 09:15:43 AM
I was on a training course at another office today and saw a colleague that I used to work with. She said I was glowing and looked the best she had ever seen me. She asked how divorced life was and I said I wouldn’t know as can’t get it sorted as h ignores me! She said omg that’s mad! How long has his divorce been going through? 2 yrs!  Yep mad! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on June 11, 2019, 10:53:01 AM
As my best friend says “you glow better when you get rid of the f*ck boy”
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 11, 2019, 12:04:45 PM
So I did text h saying I hadn’t heard from him to arrange when I had said when I was available. H has replied that he was waiting for me to give times as I insinuated I was busy!

Insinuated!! It’s rule of 3000 at the moment as about ready to go round to ow and punch him!! My original text reply to h “Tuesday” was “ I am on a training course on Tuesday but could do lunch time but at present I don’t know the lunch time or tues eve after s16  tuition. “ bearing in mind my previous text before the “Tuesday reply was I am off work and avail till Tuesday“ So he went for Tuesday! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 11, 2019, 12:08:39 PM
Well I replied, “ insinuated? A bit harsh! I said lunch time or eve after s16 tuition. Let me know when avail to sort. “

H replied “will do”

I replied with a thumbs up emoji as was safer than typing what  I really wanted to put! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on June 11, 2019, 12:33:13 PM
They really should have a set of LBS-tailored emojis  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 11, 2019, 01:06:21 PM
Thumbs up is my secret middle finger emoji. I send that one to H A LOT.

Mine does the same thing. They just cannot deal with any kind of responsibility. It is really sad and pathetic.  That "will do" response means he will never respond. Buying more time to be away I suppose. I don't think I will ever understand how a person can function like this.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on June 11, 2019, 01:16:09 PM
Well Clington is actually saved in my phone as his first name and surname followed by the middle finger emoji 🤣🤣🤣
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 11, 2019, 01:25:16 PM
I changed h name. At the start it was cheating f><%g w<#%€g b€<#%d.  Now it’s just twat features cx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 14, 2019, 05:59:35 AM
Quick update.

My son has finished high school! He completed his last exam this morning. We will see how he gets on with his results, just prom to go and I need to get him a prom suit by 5th July so a shopping trip to a large shopping centre this weekend I feel.

Nothing from h and although not blocked on spare phone, he is not reading any messages. I have told him son finished school.


I did see a review by ow that suggested h is very happy with ow as he had hysterical laughter while she exercised with a new piece of equipment.   I felt rather punched in the stomach. I pm’d a hs member who said If h was happy he would be in contact with his kids and sorting out finances and divorce instead of avoiding his previous life. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on June 14, 2019, 06:05:26 AM
Congratulations, proud mamma!   ;D
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on June 15, 2019, 12:42:56 PM
Rising, big congratulations to your S. Now he can just enjoy going to the prom.

Stupid H is in a parallel universe. And I agree with the LBS you pm'd you, if your H were happy, he'd have a proper relationship with his kids, celebrate his S finishing HS, and would be divorced yesterday. Your H laughing hysterically sounds like someone making an exaggerated effort to please the other person......or else.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 16, 2019, 02:40:14 AM
Text h re didn’t meet to discuss divorce and house.

Me: I take it we are not meeting to discuss things.  I will not be married to a man that is in a relationship with someone else and doesn’t give a }%%€<€ whether his wife and kids are alive or dead. I take it you do not wish to finalise your divorce.

Me; s16 has finished school.

H; what are s16 plans now that he has left school?
Me: get a part time job then college from sept.
Me; are you asking in the hopes can reduce maintenance?

H : no not at all, I just wondered what his plans are.

Me; good answer, pleased you asked. 😊
Me: ask away.

Crickets!

Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 17, 2019, 12:16:57 PM
Wow RP, I can totally relate to this. Your H didn't even acknowledge the D in his texts. That is EXACTLY what my H does. It is as if in their minds, if they don't speak of it, it doesn't exist. So strange! And beyond frustrating.  I used to think of it as not giving a rat's a$$ about me and our S. But now I realize it is simply more escape and avoid. Which means they are still in replay. So of course there is no chance for a rational conversation about anything at this point right?

For what it's worth, I think you did great in this interaction. It's all you can do. Someone has to be the adult. LOL. And it will never be the MLCer.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 17, 2019, 01:01:17 PM
The best kit is I have to use a secret no so ow doesn’t know.

I text morning yesterday and got  a reply of “afternoon”. I text re my diy and my dad helping and got a reply of “ your dad will ruin that house!!!”.
3 exclamation marks.
 I text morning this morning and got a reply “ do you not have flexible hoses on your water pipes?”

It’s laughable really! Nothing else to do but laugh! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 18, 2019, 12:20:46 AM
The best kit is I have to use a secret no so ow doesn’t know.

I text morning yesterday and got  a reply of “afternoon”. I text re my diy and my dad helping and got a reply of “ your dad will ruin that house!!!”.
3 exclamation marks.
 I text morning this morning and got a reply “ do you not have flexible hoses on your water pipes?”

It’s laughable really! Nothing else to do but laugh! Xx

RP,

I am sorry but why in Gods Green Earth are you texting him all this crap? What are you getting out of it? What are you trying to accomplish? Why not just stick a fork in your nose for fun while you are at it?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/ce1x5VblkD69i/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 18, 2019, 12:58:51 AM
I’m hoping Ursa to open more meaningful communication re the kids at some point. I’m hoping that if he sees me as reasonable.  Which I am just blames me for everything that he may communicate with the kids at some point.

I thought perhaps some communication although crap was better than nothing. Perhaps I’m wrong? X
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on June 18, 2019, 01:42:26 AM
Rising, I just don't see him wanting to do anything.  You can't force him to meet with you, or talk to his kids.  The man is in La La Land.  I'm sorry but I would just leave him be.  He will just keep giving you the run around.

I think the only way you are going to get results is by getting a lawyer to get things going, then he has to respond.  They usually have a set date that they need to respond by.  That way he will have no choice.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Whyus on June 18, 2019, 02:32:27 AM
Rising, your H has'nt only left the builing, hes left the planet!
Congrats on your S finishing School, good Job.

I changed h name. At the start it was cheating f><%g w<#%€g b€<#%d.  Now it’s just twat features cx
XW used to be "Slag of the year" on my whattsapp. A perfect discription at the time, still is really  :-). We are all a Little childish but cool childisch  8)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Nas on June 18, 2019, 06:01:29 AM
The best kit is I have to use a secret no so ow doesn’t know.

I text morning yesterday and got  a reply of “afternoon”. I text re my diy and my dad helping and got a reply of “ your dad will ruin that house!!!”.
3 exclamation marks.
 I text morning this morning and got a reply “ do you not have flexible hoses on your water pipes?”

It’s laughable really! Nothing else to do but laugh! Xx

RP,

I am sorry but why in Gods Green Earth are you texting him all this crap? What are you getting out of it? What are you trying to accomplish? Why not just stick a fork in your nose for fun while you are at it?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/ce1x5VblkD69i/giphy.gif)

RP, I hope you take this with my true intention, which is to help.
He's blocked you on his "real phone."  What he sees is not that you are willing to be reasonable, but that you are so determined to keep in contact with him that you have gone and got a second phone in order to reach him.  What message does that send?  I may be wrong, but it seems like he could be thinking, "I can treat RP however I want and she will still be there."

If he wanted updates on his kids, he'd man up and do his job as a father.  If he wanted to know about work being done around your house, he'd inquire or offer to help.

I think you said your lawyer closed your case because of his lack of response (apologies if that wasn't you).  Is there any way you can communicate the need to sort finances through a third party such as a lawyer and not continue to contact him?  The way it appears, he's benefiting from your contact (getting info without having to ask for it, and probably getting a little narc supply to boot because he blocked you and yet you're still trying to reach him).  But you're not getting ANY benefit.  So what's the point of it? 

You have no responsibility for updating him regarding the kids.  He's a grown man.  His relationship with his children is his responsibility.  Right now, it's just a way for you to keep contacting him.  It's unnecessary contact and it's not helping you.  The only things that matter now are the things that help YOU.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Nerissa on June 18, 2019, 06:31:58 AM
The best kit is I have to use a secret no so ow doesn’t know.

I text morning yesterday and got  a reply of “afternoon”. I text re my diy and my dad helping and got a reply of “ your dad will ruin that house!!!”.
3 exclamation marks.
 I text morning this morning and got a reply “ do you not have flexible hoses on your water pipes?”

It’s laughable really! Nothing else to do but laugh! Xx

RP,

I am sorry but why in Gods Green Earth are you texting him all this crap? What are you getting out of it? What are you trying to accomplish? Why not just stick a fork in your nose for fun while you are at it?

(https://media.giphy.com/media/ce1x5VblkD69i/giphy.gif)

RP, I hope you take this with my true intention, which is to help.
He's blocked you on his "real phone."  What he sees is not that you are willing to be reasonable, but that you are so determined to keep in contact with him that you have gone and got a second phone in order to reach him.  What message does that send?  I may be wrong, but it seems like he could be thinking, "I can treat RP however I want and she will still be there."

If he wanted updates on his kids, he'd man up and do his job as a father.  If he wanted to know about work being done around your house, he'd inquire or offer to help.

I think you said your lawyer closed your case because of his lack of response (apologies if that wasn't you).  Is there any way you can communicate the need to sort finances through a third party such as a lawyer and not continue to contact him?  The way it appears, he's benefiting from your contact (getting info without having to ask for it, and probably getting a little narc supply to boot because he blocked you and yet you're still trying to reach him).  But you're not getting ANY benefit.  So what's the point of it? 

You have no responsibility for updating him regarding the kids.  He's a grown man.  His relationship with his children is his responsibility.  Right now, it's just a way for you to keep contacting him.  It's unnecessary contact and it's not helping you.  The only things that matter now are the things that help YOU.

Nas says everything in a kind a supportive way.  I’m going to add a question that is a bit less kind, but is not intended to be because I have had and still have similar feeling and thoughts . Sometimes it’s just easier to be furious on someone else’s behalf than our own.

  Why are you contacting anyone in this world who would block you?  What does blocking say?  To me it says we are exluded, shut out, not worthy.   It plays into our primal fear of being excluded and shut out and it’s so hard to cope with, whether it’s being left out of family gatherings or being blocked.  It causes terrible feelings of being alone and vulnerable and inadequate.

  What a dreadful lie that all is.  You are coping magnificently all alone with your lovely children and doing very well by them in the face of horrible treatment and baiting in social media..  How dare he block you?  Who on earth does he think he is, allowing his loyal wife to contact him on a secret phone?     He is the one who isn’t worth your thoughts and your efforts.

 Is pushing the divorce through yourself  a greater financial cost to you or is there a benefit, financial or emotional  to remaining married at this time?  I’m sorry he is blind to your real value.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: 1trouble on June 18, 2019, 08:27:48 AM
I have kept in touch with my MLC'er via the same method buying a 'pay as you go' mobile' (burner) after the OW blocked me on my MLC'ers work mobile

I do not think you should constantly keep sending messages IMO, I think you have to leave them to it to go through their crisis BUT I personally don't see anything wrong with an odd message every few months or to tell them important things, like if the children were ill or had problems.

The way I looked at it, is if he did not respond then he didn't want me to contact him.

He did respond and so has Phoenix's H...…...BUT as I said you don't keep messaging it would be seen as pressure

In my case I knew the OW blocked me as I knew my MLC'er wouldn't know how, (he doesn't do technology)and at the time was very much in her grip

and then late last year he's work phone broke and he was given another one and he lost all numbers and settings so phoned on the landline to ask for the my mobile number. I asked him if he meant my real number and not the burner phone number
and he got a little confused, so I reminded him I had been blocked and then gave him both numbers.

He never used the burner phone again.
small steps...

It is my opinion, and I think some will think this is fantasy.....but it has been borne out in my story and others from the past, that some OW are very controlling and some MLC'ers relinquish control more easily than others.

Its in the OW's interests, IF she can to cut off the MLC'er from friends and family, particularly if they are a PD AP

The burner phone was there for him to contact me if he needed me....and he did use it lots of times actually until he got stronger and now (not that we have spoken that often) he uses my real mobile which proves to me he is getting more assertive as he moves forward   

We all have to do what we feel is right and what we want to because we live with the consequences of our own actions
 
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 18, 2019, 08:56:57 AM
Thank you all for your comments.
 I Do think ow is the controller of my blockage. When son was in hospital last yr, I emailed h to say son in hosp and when he came to hosp I said how would I have told him if sin had took his own life? By email? He said you have WhatsApp and I replied I’m blocked. H seemed shocked.
When son rang him last yr, h asked how son got the no and laughed. Son heard ow in back ground say get rid of it. I hope she meant no and and not my son.
Ow has managed to manipulate h in abandoning not just me and kids but his whole family but again he has a choice. 

I think I was trying to get a better dialogue do eventually able to discuss kids and divorce but also kindness.

I am annoyed really at myself as 4.5 yrs in and I still keep getting it wrong. X
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on June 18, 2019, 09:25:18 AM
Please don't give yourself a hard time, RP. None of this is an exact science is it?

No advice from me....simply that you should reflect honestly on your own objectives, priorities and the evidence of progress by communicating as you did. Did it produce a useful dialogue? Are you able to discuss the necessary kids/divorce things given that he blew off your last meeting? And you can feel or respond with kindness, but how does offering it first serve you? What do you need and what are the chances of achieving it based on the facts as you know them? And if not, how much more will you try plan a before moving to plan b or plan c...and what are those other options?
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: 1trouble on June 18, 2019, 09:56:01 AM

I am annoyed really at myself as 4.5 yrs in and I still keep getting it wrong. X

RP

You cant get it wrong......because every decision you make is your own and is based on your experience and your instincts and your MLC'er
There is no right and wrong, there are others opinions Yes but they are only their own opinion, its not their live ITS YOURS

There is no rule book on MLC, even if some think there is...... you do what you think is right and you don't have to answer to anyone

Actually for what its worth I think your logic is sound...…. but that's my opinion only
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 27, 2019, 01:09:29 AM
Thank you all for your replies.

Wedding anniversary today. I feel a bit sad but it is just another day. Didn’t think I would be doing another anniversary still married. I have slowed down on texting. I took on board everything that you all said but I had a wtf moment and suddenly felt like I was becoming the dirty little secret. Not going there again.

Sons prom suit has arrived and I thought how sad h will miss it but then realised that that’s his choice and problem. I won’t miss it and that’s all that matters to me. I get to see all that my children do and take part. That is the cherry on top of all this. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on June 27, 2019, 01:16:57 AM
Wedding anniversaries are strange things now aren't they? But I hope you can look at your kids, look at all your strengths as a wife, look at all you enjoyed and learned...and do something nice for yourself today to say 'well done, RP'  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: One day at a time on June 27, 2019, 01:39:57 AM
WAs are hard but probably get easier as the years go by.

It is his choice not to be part of his children's lives. He will regret that one day but that's not your problem to fix. Your kids are lucky to have you. I grew up without my dad and I remember very well who was there for me as a child. It's his loss.. I hope you do something nice for you today!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on July 17, 2019, 01:46:46 AM
H is doing his once a year popping his head up with the kids. S16 has decided to have some form of relationship as I said to son the same as I have said in the past to his father which is” do you wish to spend the rest of your life without him or except how he is at present and have some form of relationship. He chose to contact his father. I feel for son as it is again my son that is extending his hand to his father and not the other way around. D14 is not interested although she did invite him to 2 awards she has received. One was at school for student of the yr in drama and another will be this Friday at drama school. H was unable to attend either due to work. ( can still go to bike meets though) h was called out on bike meets but in an remarkable turn he text me a picture of his shifts to confirm he is indeed at work and due to being off work recently for 3 mths with a bad back, he is unable to ask for leave. H asked me to say sorry to d14 as his hands are tired, I replied, that he would need to text d14 as she is the one who is upset. H did!!!

I find that a positive as I believe he is trying to show he can be trusted. H texts me couple of times a week. Mostly decorating and sometimes a morning or afternoon depending on where ow is as I’m a secret.

I think the karma bus has hit slightly. S16 met h last week and said his father had said “ don’t let your grandad do anymore diy in the house” s16 replied “ why are you bothered” h replied “ it’s still my firefrucking house”  they discussed his recent time off work and h said “ tbh I’m glad to be back to work so I don’t have to deal with sh^>t!”  Then they discussed h new Xbox game and h said “ it’s crap, not that I get to play it as every time I do , I’m interrupted ”.

Oh dear, perhaps the fairy dust and sprinkles are fading!

Still can’t get h to discuss divorce or house. Just ignores any questions and asks about decorating, garden or when my cooker in.

A positive is I sent pics of s16 at prom. I am so proud of him that he completed school, his exams and went to prom.
H text that son looked amazing and credit to me!! Wow!! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Shelly7435 on July 17, 2019, 07:37:14 PM
Interesting. I’m glad he acknowledged you.
He is probably still cooking but showing some good signs.

Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on July 18, 2019, 11:13:45 AM
I think it is great that he is acknowledging your role RP!  I think we (LBS) often become literally nothing more than a piece of furniture for a long while.

Happy too that S is doing so well. And H is totally correct. That is absolutely a credit to you my friend.

You are doing great. Keep up the great work!!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on July 18, 2019, 12:29:19 PM
Rising, first of all congratulations to your D for her two awards and to your S for getting through school and going to the prom. These are big things for anyone, but for kids dealing with a parent in a MLC it means sooo much more. Of course, they could not have done it without you, your presence, and your encouragement.

I also second what Kit said, it's a big thing that your H is recognizing how much you have done. Good of your S to be the bigger person and reaching out to his dad. Your S has his priorities right.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on July 18, 2019, 11:51:28 PM
H took son out yest. I don’t know how he has no money but I ended up lending money. He dropped son off and had a present for daughter. I offered coffee and he had a cup outside the house. Didn’t want to come iin the house, too big a step at present. He looks like an Oompa lumpa with that much fake take on and now shaves his legs!! alopecia he says.   

H said we will talk soon but to beat with him. I predict no talk but we will see. I presume talk means talk about divorce and finances.  H text morning, this morning.

Whilst out with son, h made a weird, random but inappropriate comment which suggests he is not getting sex. H lent money but later was quite mean saying “your money is nothing to do with me and I’m not interested in your money” was happy to lend it though! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on July 18, 2019, 11:56:11 PM
Well, small but useful changes hopefully RP....although I guess you have got really good at no expectations lol. 'Bear with me' indeed  ::)
Let's hope that the small positives continue in a useful way. How are your kids responding to this shift in his behaviour?
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on July 19, 2019, 12:06:07 AM
Son seems to be dealing well with it at the moment Treasur. Daughter is a bit apprehensive and distrust s his motives.

When he said e will talk I just said, I’m off work now for a week but just let me know. H text morning this morn.

I did ask how he hurt his back as h mentioned will have to change duties at work due to back, he replied doesn’t matter so I left the topic alone.
I won’t tell anyone I lent him money but I didn’t do it for him, I did it for my kids. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on July 19, 2019, 12:13:46 AM
Well I guess you will see if he does anything or not, right? I suspect you may understandably feel just as distrusting and cautious as your daughter. Worth reminding yourself though RP that the worst is behind you and you coped with that so you will cope with this too, maybe even better bc you are not the same RP as you were  ;)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on July 19, 2019, 01:17:44 AM
Thanks Treasur, yes the worst is over and what will be will be in regards to the kids.

One comment I picked up on and son did was son and h were discussing a missing game h wanted and son said I don’t think I have it and h replied he will have another look there. There meaning ow house. Not at home but there! Perhaps nothing but after so long I would think he would call her house home by now.

I did make a joke and say I will have my present next time then as he bought kids presents. H laughed. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on September 02, 2019, 01:50:03 PM
Journaling.
Not been on for a while as not much to tell really. H still won’t discuss divorce or speak to me. Sometimes he will reply to my Texts and other times he won’t.

Has seen kids a couple of times which is about once every 2 wks for an hour. Kids said that on his visit 2 wks ago that h was moaning about diet ow has put him on and that salad and jacket potato is so thrilling, not! unlike roast dinners I used to do. H moaned that h and ow don’t go anywhere and just sit in the house doing f all. D14 made tiffin and h ate it as if he was starving. Apparently only eat between 12 and 7 each day and fast 2 days. H had text that he had broken his hand so could pick kids up and tiffin would be nice to pick up his mood and an Eccles cake for luck.

Today h had kids all day and I was getting worried as they were late back. They had a good day but h wouldn’t even look at me when dropped off and sped off. H didn’t go straight back to ow house as s16 text he had left his jacket in h car and text didn’t go through as no wifi. S16 said h had been texting a Theresa all day! Who the fire truck is Theresa? When son asked h, h said it doesn’t matter. I wonder if we have ow2 now as well as ow1! H dress sense is out of the window along with his hygiene a bit!

Well we will see I suppose. H did ask kids where his Eccles cake was! Why would I make Eccles cakes when h won’t speak to me. H had told kids the other week that he would be speaking to me today to discuss things but sped off instead!
Is it me or does it get weirder by the day. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on September 02, 2019, 02:06:05 PM
Oh, Rising, your H sounds like he's all over the place. Theresa? He's clutching at straws to find happiness. At least it means that OW1 isn't that great, then.

Seeing your kids a couple of hours is not much but better than before. My H has been on a strict OW diet these past 2 years. My H's diet is also very restrictive and this is from a man who loved food and cooking and bought every cook book that came out. So your H sounds normal for someone going through a MLC.

My H wouldn't look at me, either, yesterday when he picked my S up. Stayed in the car. He purposefully parked bum first in my drive way so that there was no way he could see my face. Yet three days ago he was holding me up, telling me to lean on his chest more if I wanted to, moved my legs over gently to buckle my seat belt. This is just part of this terrible crisis. Means nothing. Keep moving ahead.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on September 02, 2019, 02:22:28 PM
Thanks milly. It hurts that one minute they are kind and then the next you are Medusa and may turn them to stone if they look at you. I’m glad he helped you. I hope you recover soon. I so wish I could if made Tuscany but I gave no one to have my kids as h won’t even enter the house let alone looker after kids and digs in my home and my dad is away. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 03, 2019, 12:52:25 AM
Hi RP,

I think I might have found a pic of your H.... Did you know he was in a commercial for a Nintendo game?
(https://media.giphy.com/media/Kff7yP2WR2je4BboyT/giphy.gif)

"I'm going to talk to mom" and then doesn't sounds like MASSIVE Conflict-Avoidance Syndrome to me.... not to mention guilt avoidance... and, the whole cake thing gives a whole new meaning to "cake eating." I mean, seriously.... WTF woudl you make a cake for him, regardless of whether he is speaking to you or not... OW can do that for him....

But, Oh! Wait!  She's a controlling diet-obsessed freak... so that is where Theresa comes in... She will save him from the horrible OW who saved him from his horrible wife...

(https://media.giphy.com/media/Fjr6v88OPk7U4/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on September 03, 2019, 02:26:22 AM
Thanks Ursa, made me laugh, made my day! You have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all! If I did make a cake, it wouldn’t be going in his mouth! It would go where the sun doesn’t shine!! Xx🤣🤣
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on September 03, 2019, 02:52:44 AM
Ok, that's a mental picture of what to do with an Eccles cake that I never had lol

I agree that 'Theresa' is the new drug of choice so likely all is not well in ow la la land...sadly predictable...and if Theresa turns out to be short-term sparkly or stupid enough to buy what he is selling,  I expect your kids will see less of your h again for a while  ::).....or maybe Theresa will be replaced by Tammy and then Thomasina...who knows  ::)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 03, 2019, 02:58:12 AM
Ok, that's a mental picture of what to do with an Eccles cake that I never had lol

I agree that 'Theresa' is the new drug of choice so likely all is not well in ow la la land...sadly predictable...and if Theresa turns out to be short-term sparkly or stupid enough to buy what he is selling,  I expect your kids will see less of your h again for a while  ::).....or maybe Theresa will be replaced by Tammy and then Thomasina...who knows  ::)

I had to Google "Eccles cake" to figure out what they were....

What a waste of a good pastry!  And RP, you'd need to bake it until it was pretty hard to have the desired effect....  I mean, it would have to go where his head is currently so ....  :o
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on September 03, 2019, 03:25:47 AM
Eccles cakes DO have a fairly firm crunchy exterior, UM...just sayin'  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on September 05, 2019, 09:12:05 AM
Ok, POSs a 2x4 moment. So I’m sitting in traffic and had the feeling someone watching me. I turn to my left and ow is staring at me from her car with h in the passenger seat. As soon as I spot her, she gives me a dirty look then looks away.
Sooo! When I get home I was really naughty and sent h a pic of my face with the caption”sent you a pic so don’t need to stare” i know I know, that’s really bad but at this moment in time, I don’t care. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on September 06, 2019, 04:27:21 AM
I text h the other day re helping pay for transport for s16 to get to college. H ignored me so s16 asks. H texts son and asks for his bank account so he can pay a bit in towards transport. I’m happy h is offering to help but am rather annoyed at the lack of respect and that h feels the need to be awkward! So if and I mean IF h gives money to son, son has to withdraw to give to me to top up sons travel card! Ridiculous to say the least! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on October 05, 2019, 12:39:58 AM
I mean your right it is ridiculous but as with all your updates there is a recurring “WTF” theme. Which I guess shows that the issue isn’t with us. It’s them. Otherwise everything wouldn’t be WTF

I’ve said this to you before but I think you’ve got it spot on. You don’t seem to take too much he does to heart and it’s a good place to be! Go you!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 30, 2019, 10:34:08 AM
Journaling
I haven’t updated for a bit.
Well the clinging texter has vanished again. We were texting regularly re kids, house and general chit chat then h suddenly stops. H was still avoiding every question re divorce and finances. H took kids out the other Sunday and they return with a glass Xmas angel for me from h. H asks me to lend money for games for kids and will pay me back when paid. H gets self a game and I’m not getting any money back. Stupid me!!
H is now completely ignoring everything including picking son up from college after he was attacked by a student from a different college with glass. Son was ok and marks in his face were superficial. Police called by college. Nothing done.

I believe ow has discovered the texting and h us now in monster after I asked why he is in debt and burying head in the sand and why h didn’t collect children on day off as supposed to. H replied to my I WANT A DIVORCE! With

There you go again with all the answers. You know nothing of my life and I know nothing of yours. The difference being I don’t ask about your life and never will. I COULDNT  SEE THE CHILDREN YEST. I WOULD OF IF I COULD OF!!!!!!!

My reply

How easy was that to text, I am unable to see the children due to whatever? I am not interested in your life so why the Firetruck am I still married to you?

Ow then preceded to post on social media how he used the love of her life and he has the freedom to do as he pleases and if he left tomorrow she would be ok with it but the are but perfect and have their flaws that they work at in their twin flame journey together.

I have booked mediation and booked a house valuation. I didn’t want to spend more money on his divorce but I feel it will now be money well spent in the long run for my sanity and to be free from his crisis and drama. No further texts as ow will be recording and it’s not worth the hassle xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 30, 2019, 10:34:59 AM
I have also booked a 5 awakenings session as Burma counselling is no longer working. Have no idea how that will go. Worth a try xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on October 30, 2019, 10:46:42 AM
Tbh with you RP and it’s like I said before. It may be expensive doing things this way but it buys peace or mind and that has no price.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on October 30, 2019, 12:24:02 PM
So frustrating isn't it RP? How they seem to know everything about us, but we know nothing about them?

Also, it does sound like he is controlled by OW, as most are. Yes, it is done so voluntarily, but I think in their fragile MLCer frame of mine, it is the easiest thing for them to do, even if they are supposedly miserable.

Your poor S!! That sounds terrible. I hope he's ok. I really hate how these MLCer's lack empathy...even for their children.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 30, 2019, 01:18:30 PM
Hi sachet and kit, thanks, yes son is fine and I don’t think it will scar. It was unbelievable, son was just walking to the bus stop and his not far from the knife angel!! For those not in uk the knife Angel is a huge huge angel made form confiscated knives of knife crime that travels round the country. I know it was glass but it was still an attack with a sharp object. Son is quick and in army cadets and martial arts so moved quickly and punched the lad to the floor. Son doesn’t like using violence other than in self defence and this was certainly the time.

I will you all know how and what my 5 awakenings therapy is. It is energy and colour(play) therapy apparently.

I find it interested that my home truths to h resulted in ow responding via social media to the world. My sister finds it interesting so looks as she is doing a mental health course.

I have spent so much on a divorce I didn’t ask for to be still firetrucking about just over 2 yrs later and 5 yrs of mlc sh&te. On 14 dec it will be the start of 6 yrs and I don’t want to do another yr of sh$te.

H won’t finish it so I have taken the step to do myself. Money will be tight but the rewards I’m hoping will be immense.

My family and friends keep saying you need to move on and need to find someone but unfortunately for me whilst I am married I cannot do that. My h thought nothing of our marriage vows and betrayed them but that doesn’t mean that I can. It may sound silly but I can’t. H knows this.
A friend said it will make no difference as it’s just a piece of paper but it will to me. Well I hope it will.

Even in h text yest to my home truths h still ignored the divorce bit.
The mediation will contact h so I don’t need to let him know and I have spoken to the estate agent and he said they deals with these situations and he will contact h with the valuation. So I don’t need to let him know that either. The estate agent did ask if h is on board with selling and I said I have no idea as h ignored the important questions and ignores everything now.

Since h had been in contact, I found my emotions all over the place again. I much prefer a Vanisher however he is still seeing the kids although not as often as I or the kids would like. I feel selfish for wanting h to become a complete Vanisher again but will keep those thoughts to here on hs and sachet who puts up with me texting and away from my kids.

It’s the questions I have such as why would h buy me an Xmas ornament when he is no longer speaking?  Why does h ignore the divorce stuff? Why did h send daughter back in last Friday with his travel mug to make a cup of tea? Why did son come home from out with h and say “ dad said he would come in but he gets accused of stuff.” ( one time when he came in without my knowledge and looked all round my home and I moaned). Im hoping this new therapy will help me not want answers to those questions. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on October 30, 2019, 02:17:35 PM
Haha. I don’t put up with you any more than you me. But I know what it’s like. I need answers too. Not just for my things either. I have a over analysing brain and even when my friends tell me about situations they get oher it and I’m still like “well they said this because of that. Then they did this but really meant this”. I drive myself nuts!

I do not have the answers for you. Only thing I can say is he can’t want the divorce because if he did he wouldn’t avoid it. However I do think you have to do what’s best for you and that’s getting a divorce and not dealing with him.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 31, 2019, 04:50:49 AM
It’s the questions I have such as why would h buy me an Xmas ornament when he is no longer speaking?  Why does h ignore the divorce stuff? Why did h send daughter back in last Friday with his travel mug to make a cup of tea? Why did son come home from out with h and say “ dad said he would come in but he gets accused of stuff.” ( one time when he came in without my knowledge and looked all round my home and I moaned). Im hoping this new therapy will help me not want answers to those questions. Xx

What does Green taste like? Why did the chicken cross the road? Why is it OK to discuss asking for 60 Cantaloupes in Math class but not in Geography?

As long as you are trying to figure out why your Bat-Snot crazy Mid-lifer did whatever it was he did, you are chasing your tail. I hope too that the new Therapy will banish the monkeys....

(https://etherealmind.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Dilbet-out-out-stupidity-150x181.jpg)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on October 31, 2019, 05:23:55 AM
Ordered a book for self help at a friend in hs suggestion. The life changing magic of not giving a Firetruck.
Repeat after me: I don’t give a Firetruck. I quite like that. Liberating! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 01, 2019, 06:57:07 AM
I had my first session of my 5 awakenings. Different I must say. However it did help me look at certain things.
First I had to draw or write things that came into my head about my anxiety such as what does she have that I don’t and my broken heart ( more work there) but others I sort of let go of. These were why did I feel in a bubble with my kids, why do I hate him not replying to even parenting stuff and why do I hate passing her in the car. These are things I can’t change so why am I bothered. It helped me look at my bubble and I need to burst it from the inside out and have more freedom with my kids which is achievable if I let it. I frustrate myself when I text so why bother. Seeing ow and she looks away shows her insecurities and shame so let her feel that. I won’t say that I won’t regress but I’m a work in progress and the only way is to try. I also put that I had this invisible chain attaching me to him and no amount of asking him to break it by finishing his divorce is going to break it. It needs to be me that breaks it. I must and I can do this. Again work in progress but to think of these and say I must and can break it is a start I feel. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on November 01, 2019, 07:10:10 AM
RP - It sounds like you did a lot of good work in your new therapy.  There is a lot of very powerful stuff there -- breaking the bubble from the inside and breaking the chain of connection yourself.  It must be empowering to know that YOU'RE in control (of what you CAN control).

I think we all have LBS friends we can text on a whim, or when a question arises.  That's the beauty of this site - we're all here for each other -- to help pull each other up and congratulate on the "wins".

You sound so strong.
Keep up the great work.

Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on November 01, 2019, 09:07:37 AM
I agree it sounds like the therapy worked well.

That person who suggested that book sounds like a right superstar 😆
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 01, 2019, 10:19:56 AM
They are indeed lol 😂 xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 12, 2019, 03:35:17 PM
Well, complete fool I am. I feel I’ve learnt nothing. I text h and asked if he had engaged a new solicitor as h told son he was advised to stop communication. I said solicitors advice stop communication. H read and didn’t reply. I text ahh I see, I should re-engage mine then. I also put that I don’t know when his op on his back is but sending without expectations or reply to remember on the day that we will always love him in some way and miss him in some way and that I hope it goes well for him. I wished him merry Xmas and happy birthday for the future and signing off as for the best.
H replied that he was going to take son to college Tom but too immobile. I replied no worries son can catch the bus. Take care.
I then monkey brained that he replied as I said signing off for good and didn’t actually want to but that’s just reading too much into it.

Son asked h the other week if he was happy with ow and h relied that he made his decision and had to stick to it.
I then stupidly and could kick myself for being so stupid text h that he cud of come home but that he had said made his decision and had to stick to it.
Someone take my phone away!!!!!!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Shelly7435 on November 12, 2019, 04:42:06 PM
don’t stress. I for one have that stuff too. But I can tell ya. I doubt my x even remember it.  His statement is more that likely all about him and isn’t even thinking of what you said.
You can keep your phone. ...  ;D
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on November 12, 2019, 05:02:17 PM
RP - I did the same thing 2 days ago, and a friend said she had done the same.
Her H came to be with the family over the weekend and never mentioned it; so I think the Shelly is right - they don't pay much attention to it; if they even remember it!

Don't fret!

Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 13, 2019, 01:10:06 AM
RP,

Doo-Doo occurs... IF it even registered in his fog, he probably won't remember it for more than a microsecond...

He probably read it and then looked like this guy...
(https://media.giphy.com/media/Qe5oD5aXjEbKw/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on November 13, 2019, 01:19:54 AM
It was a hiccup as others say  ;)
Although you are maybe inadvertently seeing logic where there is none and assuming that your h doesn't lie..... ::)....could just as easily be ow advising no communication lol. Or just a made up bit of BS to excuse his behaviour with your son. Who knows. And yes, he has made his bed and will stay in it unless he decides to get up out of it won't he? That's how life works and he deserves no mr Sadz bonus points for it.

If he has engaged another solicitor, you'll find out bc some kind of letter or action will show up. No point basing your actions on guessing as his. Can't recall....am I right in thinking that the divorce process has stalled bc he stopped doing anything? What do you want to do about the divorce?
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 13, 2019, 02:10:20 AM
Yes Treasur, he stopped replying to my solicitor aug 18. Had his nisi in oct18 but nothing since.
I have had a valuation on the house and booked mediation as I feel I can’t remain married to a man that doesn’t want me any longer.  I asked him this morn if his health was ok with all the hosp tests as me and the kids are worried but if he didn’t reply I would take it he didn’t wish me to text any further. H read and didn’t reply. Won’t say anything about health, divorce or anything.
I suppose I am dead to him so why should I be asking or why should he tell me. Had my answer. I do feel a fool and feel like I have taken several steps back. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on November 13, 2019, 02:33:19 AM
Rising,

You are not a fool.  Get that out of your head.  He is leaving you to money brain because he won't answer you about anything.  Just stop asking him.

Can you go to mediation by yourself?  I'm a little confused.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 13, 2019, 02:35:09 AM
Hi thunder, I have booked an appt for myself for next week and he has to book his but when I rang the mediation last thurs, they had not had a response from him. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on November 13, 2019, 02:46:51 AM
You may want to check with your solicitor, rising, but I have a half memory that the nisi has an expiry date? Maybe 12 months? And that you have to apply for it again if there is no absolute? Not 100% sure but perhaps there is info online?

Don't feel like a fool. These situations are far from normal and all of us have tripped over sometimes trying to deal with them. Unfortunately, and not uncommon here, it may be that if finalising things is best for you and your kids, you may need to be the one that refiles or drives the process through which always seems like a rather bitter pill for a situation we never chose.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 13, 2019, 03:02:37 AM
Hi Treasur, yes as it’s now past 12 mths, h has to apply to court for a hearing and give details of why it was delayed. That will be my fault I’m sure. Unsure if I give evidence as to delay but I have plenty of evidence asking for it. I do wonder if he is looking at doing a 5 yr divorce without my consent as it’s not required. I don’t think he can as the current divorce is still there. I will check with my solicitor xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on November 13, 2019, 03:27:30 AM
Rising,

I'm learning here.
Your divorce laws are so different from ours in the U.S.

May I ask what a 5 year divorce without your consent means?

Here we have No Fault divorces, so anyone can get a divorce without the others consent.
That's what that sounds like to me, am I right?  You just need to wait 5 years?
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 13, 2019, 03:37:15 AM
Hi thunder, yes that’s basically it. No fault that you have to wait 5 yrs for and the finances are still separate and a divorce can be granted before finances are completed xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on November 13, 2019, 03:57:49 AM
Ok I see.

Can you get the financial settlement done before the 5 years is up, or is that what you're trying to do?
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 13, 2019, 04:03:00 AM
There seems to be a pattern here with UK Mid-Lifers... they want to run and then do the 5 year plan so they don't have to do the financials. That way they can drag it out and have reasons to keep in contact with/control of the LBS' life because, the financial s are not hammered out yet.

There have been a couple of cases here that played that game...
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 13, 2019, 04:06:49 AM
Hi thunder , um, I have asked till I’m blue in the face and now on my 5th attempt at mediation to try to get the finances completed xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on November 13, 2019, 05:30:36 AM
I understand, Rising.
Seems that part their not too crazy about.

Well just hold your ground.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 14, 2019, 08:43:17 AM
Hi um, do you think it is purely control of the lbs? For what reason I wonder. Just a financial reason? I am going to look at houses this weekend and I have booked an appt with a mortgage financial adviser. H didn’t respond to my if I don’t get a reply I will assume you don’t want me to text so I have deleted WhatsApp and put the spare phone away. When I move I won’t be letting my address be known to him and arrange drop off and pick up from a neutral place.
Mediation rang me yest to move my appt by 30 mins and he has not responded to their calls or emails so I will get the court paper.

I do wonder if he thinks I will not go to court as too expensive but I will have to find the money from somewhere as I don’t want to remain in limbo xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on November 14, 2019, 09:44:54 AM
Rising this really does sound to me like the best decision for you. H is off in Lala-Land and not being a very responsible father--like most MLCers really. I anticipate I will be int eh same position as you are very soon.  You have a good plan. Hope you find a nice house!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 14, 2019, 10:44:02 AM
Hi kit, it bewildering isn’t it, that they can be so cruel or Vanisher or plain ignore you but want to keep you chained but blame for not getting things moving! It’s still not what I want but I feel that my growth is stunted and I will be stuck like this for another 5 yrs and then up creek without a paddle! If h wants to approach me later or out of his tunnel then I am in a good position if if he does and is still a twat or if he doesn’t I have security of my own making for the kids and me.
I think sometimes kit we just have to go for it to end the cycle.
Tbh I am quite excited even though I’m sad about it which sounds weird I know but it’s a bit liberating. Kit if you do find yourself in the same position then I know you will rise to the challenge and take charge of what’s needed for you and son xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 21, 2019, 05:27:58 AM
Update,
So an eventful weekend. Sunday my my dog became ill with a twisted stomach. Emergency vet and emergency surgery. Touch and go but so far so good. £2568 later. Son informed h who became emotional and h text to ask how our dog was and that I could sell any of his remaining belongings if it helps. I replied re our dog and advised only bits of fishing stuff and weddings rings left. H replied that he is glad our dog is improving. No mention of selling the fishing stuff and wedding rings.
I attended mediation yest and the file was closed and they gave me the court papers to take the financials to court as h had not responded to mediation even though they have chased him. I text h an update this morn re the dog and that I will be filing for financials which will cost between £10000 and £15000 plus solicitor fees and that I will apply for it to be recovered from house equity and that I was happy to discuss.
H read and didn’t reply.
Firetruck all else I can do now xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 21, 2019, 06:17:10 AM
My mom's Rottweiler died from a twisted stomach. I am glad that you were able to get doggie to the vet in time. It happens really quickly

As for having to go to court, it should come out of HIS share of the equity since he is the one refusing to provide the information/meet for mediation.... You've done everything needed to get things done so the ball (and the consequences) should be firmly in his court.....
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 23, 2019, 02:15:04 AM
Um it was so so quick. Happened out of no where. I had raised bowls as my dogs are big and yrs ago that was recommended but now the vet has said it can contribute to twisted stomach and not to raise bowls. It was touch and go but he is doing ok and is home with a big rubber ring round his neck to stop him getting to the stitches.

H related news, h text this morn” we can discuss next week”
This really means I will distract you from filing to court and not discuss anything really. I have not read or replied. H had had enough chances to sort and I am getting out of limbo land. Only I control my life now. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on November 23, 2019, 02:28:56 AM
If he wouldn't communicate through mediation, RP, probably not very useful or sensible to expect anything adult or constructive now. Isn't it strange how so many seem to assume that the constraints of law and time somehow don't apply to them?  ::)

I suppose he has three choices; try to manipulate you as a distraction from the grown up consequences stuff,  go to court and take his chances or quickly propose something concrete that is attractive enough for you to accept based on legal advice before the court process begins.

By all means hear him out if you want to do that. Or indeed if it happens as we all know lol.  Not sure you have anything to lose...but unlikely to gain much either I suppose.

Glad to hear that your pooch is doing ok and hope he has a speedy recovery x
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on November 23, 2019, 04:01:19 AM
Thanks Treasur. I have not read or replied. If and it is a big if he texts with something worth listening I will again suggest mediation and this time he pays or sort through a solicitor. I’m not sitting listening to excuses or that it is all my fault! Fed up of the projection. I’m not taking the bait to start random nonsense texting again. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on November 24, 2019, 01:03:32 PM
Tbh I don’t blame you RP. And quite frankly. I don’t think there is anything more you can try if I’m honest.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 04, 2019, 05:24:14 AM

Just a quick update. H has been moaning to son that he is not left alone and has to do everything at Ow’s. Karma! H keeps moaning about back and bottom issue. Oh dear! Son tells h to stop moaning as he is not interested. Karma!

Sunday son goes out with h but daughter didn’t as didn’t ask to see them until 12.30pm on Sunday so she was out with me. I am in the front garden when son returns pulling a double mattress on to the driveway for the bin men. H gets out to help but when I say it’s ok I’ve dine it, h gets back in car without speaking (no discussion yet re finances). Son comes in house and says dad wants to see our dog on thurs and come in the house! I was debating this but have agreed as I think it is a huge step for h. Any thoughts? I have been ignoring h the last couple of weeks, Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 04, 2019, 05:26:07 AM
I will be at work when h wants to see dog but s16 will be home xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 04, 2019, 05:32:50 AM
To me personally, I think it depends with what your comfortable with. If your comfortable doing it as you won’t be around then go for it. Firetruck him. Firetruck her. It’s about you and what you want
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 04, 2019, 05:47:24 AM
Hi sachet, I am concerned re the reason and hope it is just to see the dog and not what is in the house re finances but legally I can’t stop him anyway. I think I will try it this once as son wants his father to see his lizard and daughter wants h to see her rabbit and newly decorated bedroom. Any shenanigans and it won’t happen again.  I will be taking the shed key with me so he can’t get in the sheds and no going in my bedroom xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 04, 2019, 05:52:46 AM
I’m sure if he tried anything the kids would tell you
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on December 04, 2019, 05:11:38 PM
I guess it's ok if you legally cannot stop him. My H will barely come into the entry way. And even then he will only stay there for a minute or two. I think it scares them. How long has it been since he's been inside?

My H is forever putting off any kind of important talk. I think they honestly intend to talk to us....so long as it is in the far future. And then, when the day comes, they chicken out. Avoiders. Such fun.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 04, 2019, 11:41:28 PM
Hi kit, probably about 18 mths since he last entered the house. Complete avoider. Today is the day. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 05, 2019, 05:29:39 AM
I’m sire all will be fine today! Fingers crossed
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 05, 2019, 08:26:10 AM
So I had my absolute through the post and my ex h didn’t even gave the decency to let me know xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 05, 2019, 08:47:53 AM
Rising, I'm still learning, does that mean he filed for the D?   :-\
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 05, 2019, 08:49:50 AM
I am divorced. Arrived in the post today. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 05, 2019, 08:50:24 AM
I still have no finances sorted xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 05, 2019, 08:52:31 AM
Oh ok, so that is the final papers?   Was confused, sorry I knew that.

Ugh, so now you have to get the financials done.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Nas on December 05, 2019, 08:54:11 AM
So sorry. I never understand places that allow fir the finalization before finances are settled. It should not be allowed.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 05, 2019, 08:59:52 AM
I have walked round for 2 days not even knowing I was divorced. I’m upset. I am an ex wife and he is marrying ow xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 05, 2019, 09:15:54 AM
I am very sorry, RP. I guess it feels like one more bit of disrespect and self-centredness. And ironic that it coincides with your (now) xh wanting to visit the dog and be in your house. Sigh. My best short term advice is DO NOTHING.....you will understandably have too many emotions for your head to be in charge. No texts, emails, say nothing to your kids, family...talk to the dog maybe lol.

And then pick yourself up, take the gloves off and get your solicitor to take him for every penny you can, every bit of support he has reneged on for your kids, go for the house and full custody with limited visitation bc his track record with his kids is rubbish too and he sent some terrible texts that I hope your solicitor has on file. And in future? Yup, if he did not have the courtesy to tell you he had applied for the absolute, make him wait outside in the cold if he turns up to do fake Dad. Grrr. I don't know if he was a decent man before but he isn't one now....let ow have him.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 05, 2019, 09:20:19 AM
Rising, I'm so sorry I remember the feeling when I found out his dumb divorce went through and I was divorced.

It's possible he just got the papers too, do you think?

Just know it's not a happy moment for him either.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 05, 2019, 09:38:46 AM
In the UK, Thunder, the petitioner has to apply for the absolute so unforunately he would have known.

What is important to remember, RP....and you probably can't do it now, but you will...is that this foolish weak man threw away years of intimacy and friendship, and his family for a pointless magic fix that will fail. Literally he traded gold for shiny brass. Idk how he feels today...I'm pretty sure he will come to regret his choice in years to come bc ow is no prize is she? And if, like my xh, he does indeed jump into marrying ow that tells you two things you probably already knew but doubted....that ow was driving the divorce bus and he is a weakling. And that a speedy remarriage in these circumstances is the act of a delusional fool who has learned no lessons at all. Oh and as my solicitor said, in the legal trade they call it 'repeat business' bc most of these marriages do not end well at all and ow tend to be vindictive psycho b!tc#es in a divorce....I'd give it five years max...see it as his karma. But by the time it happens, you probably won't care much and will just shrug. Crap choices tend to produce crap consequences in life; it just takes a bit of time to play out, that's all. As you say in your tag line, ow has his balls in a vice...what a happy respectful honest relationship that must be. (You might recall from earlier this year that my xh's owife now controls his text messages and he evidently lets her. I would have hated to be in a relationship like that or to see my then h with so little respect as an adult man. But then I didn't knowingly marry a lying messed up cheater and neither did you. These ow do and trust that some combo of control and their specialness will keep the train on the tracks. Unlikely)

The positive? Which I appreciate is not quite there yet bc of the financial stuff. Events have moved you out of any limbo you were in or any latent desire to be nice to someone who was still your h. It does help with letting go. Your job as an xw who was treated without respect is very limited indeed lol. It isn't what you or your family wanted but it is still possible to gradually see it as a liberation from a really unpleasant situation. I found, without me doing anything at all, that those small drips of caring obligation to a h drifted away when he was an xh. I didn't wish him harm. I trust that life will punch him in the face eventually if there are lessons he needs to learn.  I simply stopped caring so much. It really wasn't my circus.

Oh and another positive? No more need to text him info about the kids as they are old enough to choose to communicate with him directly, unless it is a life-threatening emergency. Bc truthfully he is a deadbeat barely semi-detached father. So one less responsibility for you to have on your list as an xw.

There will be a time when all the mess is resolved and life will feel lighter, I promise. I don't mean that you will never feel sad or WTFish in patches, but you will be off the insane battlefield of MLC and able to retrieve some of the good memories of life before your xh got on the stupid crazy train. Your family may have lost one member, but the core of your family is still there and not going anywhere. Which is your gain and his loss.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Gracie3 on December 05, 2019, 10:19:50 AM
What a coward and a total piece of $h!te. 
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on December 05, 2019, 11:42:20 AM
I'm so sorry, Rising. The D letter is a mini bomb. Mine hasn't arrived yet but it will, and I know to expect it to hurt. I believe everything Treasur wrote in her last post, from the weakness of your H, the OW driving the D, the inevitable repeat business they'll be for his L. And I also believe that once you get over the shock, you will feel lighter. You might even be propelled forward in your journey, helping you move forward better than now. But today is still very hard. I'm really sorry. Hugsxxxx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Philadelphiagirl on December 06, 2019, 01:17:41 AM
RP, just wanted to send you some support and say that I am sorry. The same thing happened to me (and I know has happened to a lot of us here). It truly is the actions of a coward who does not have the backbone to communicate with you. I am trying to sort the financials now. Focus on that now and get the best deal you can for your future and that of your kids. Not sure if you are in the UK, I'm not but my financial proceedings are so if I can help you with any questions about the process I am here. Take care and do something nice for yourself this weekend. Hugs, PG xxx   
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 06, 2019, 02:06:39 AM
Treasur,

I get confused about how that Absolut works, sorry Rising.

Here one files for divorce and after both parties agree to a settlement, it goes to a judge, they sign off on it and then both parties get the final papers in the mail.
So we both find out at the same time the D is final.

I guess that's why I was confused thinking he knew when Rising did, not before.

Well it doesn't matter.  I'm still sorry it came to this Rising.   :(

Hugs

Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 08, 2019, 01:37:42 PM
Thank you everyone, I have had swings between tears and anger where I hate him and never wAnt to lay eyes on him.  I think I struggle with I am now single when I have been a wife for so long and how ge did it. Ex h as I now have to call him even sat in my living room thurs while I was at work, fussed our dog and all the while my absolute was on the front doormat!! Oh and said little things changed but still cosy!  I mean no empathy for my feelings at all and did the opposite of what I asked him not to do. Blamed me for asking about it. The next day he picked s16 fir college and surprise surprise no house discussion  that he had mentioned the day before.  S16 said conversation strained and just father said he was tired as not slept well.

I replied that the finances can be discussed when he wishes but as he didn’t do before divorce I am in no rush and I leave squarely with him to sort.
I ended text with “shock over, am ok and silver lining is I can now have sex as I’m single and going to have some fun. “
I had no reply but that was a given! Ex h had tried buy kids affections today and checked several times a day to see if I’m online or text ( son tells me) I have not been online or text since Friday and I no longer have anything to say to him, d14 not  having any of it. She refused to go last weekend. She has had enough.xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 09, 2019, 09:38:25 AM
I think the solver lining for you is the plaster is off. It hurts. But it’s done. There is nothing left for him to do.

Life begins after divorce darling.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: KeepItTogether on December 09, 2019, 09:59:49 AM
I'm sorry Rising. It really is so disgusting the way they do this isn't it?  Just drop us like trash and move on to their next new life, without giving us a second thought. Or so it seems. Truth is, they are in crisis, and (not that it matters of course), are looking for that elusive happiness.  Maybe OW brings it. No? Maybe a D. No? Well onto the next "happy pill" then. They will be lost until they are not. We as LBS are left picking up the pieces of our own lives and our children b/c these MLCers so often abandon every aspect of their former lives, as if that is somehow a logical choice. We would never do that. But then, WE are not in crisis thankfully.

Secretly, I have to say, I do like the text you sent H after the D. LOL.  You are doing so well by your children. They have a strong mama and know they can count on you always. I like to think that this pain is here today  so that we can  fully understand and appreciate the joys of tomorrow. Your story is not over my friend. But your new chapter is beginning and I have high hopes for you.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 12, 2019, 07:42:14 AM
I told h that I needed him to set up a payment arrangement for half of d14 school ski trip to Italy. I got a text 2 day’s later.
H: At no point did you ask me about Italy, you told me!!!
I won’t be texting D14 as she doesn’t answer. This is not to start a conversation or argument as I’m not interested in that anymore. D14 knows how to message and if she doesn’t, so be it.
Me: in summary:
It was not my intention to start a conversation or argument. I don’t know why you are angry. D14 is playing fire with fire. She is the teenager and you are the adult. I do not have sole responsibility for the car and purchase if things for d14. Perhaps a better way would be to ask what can I do differently. You cut me dead so I removed myself from your relationship with your kids and text in a business style as I thought that was best and now you have cut d14 dead. I feel sad for you. You have no family and seem like a sad and lonely person. I feel for you, I really do. Whenever your surgery is, I hope it goes well.

So it’s like dealing with another teenager! D14 has responded with an up yours then to her father. I really wanted to put it in a more angry text but refrained. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 12, 2019, 08:08:42 AM
They become such sad victims, didn't they?   ::)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 16, 2019, 03:22:59 AM
Well after the text from h that he is not going to speak to d14 etc, I felt the need now I am divorced to speak my mind. I am unable to see him face to face so I text. I was still more reserved than I would have been face to face.
H said I didn’t listen so I stayed things I remembered and that I did listen, I said he was a cheater who had no problem causing others pain for his own gain. I told him he bought a vile vindictive woman into the lives of my children and do nothing to stop it or protect us from her abuse. That he had obliterated everyone from his life that cared for him. I quoted some of his behaviours and that they were bizarre and he had spiralled out of control yet I wished him no harm and it’s a pity the reverse is not true.

I felt better. I didn’t get a reply but also wasn’t blocked which is weird. This man then has a conversation via text re a fish tank he wants to get the kids after knew yr! I did tell him to text d14 and pick her up ( yes I know I said I wouldn’t do but d14 need it so I did it for her which I let him know) he said he couldn’t s meds kicked in. I said ok and left the conversation.

My sister rang later to say ow had put what a man needs to do to show his woman he cares. Sock bag at the ready! Run a bath, light candles, bake, listen intently, ( that be me then lol) buy little gifts such as chocolate, bracelet etc. Her partner does a lot and she try’s to do this often to show she loves, respects and appreciates him ( buying affection?) she loves it when he has a bath with her and they offload with wine and candles. (h used to hate having a bath and hates wine)

I was outside putting up lights when ex h bought son home. Ex h said there’s your mum up a ladder. Didn’t speak and sped off then has comb re a fish tank and apparently he is in no position to make decisions! Hmm we will see about the fish tank. Is unable to see kids Xmas day but we knew that was coming xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 16, 2019, 04:28:57 AM
Well sometimes RP we just need to call a duck a duck, don't we?
And the FB stuff (and yeah I know you know you shouldn't look lol)....who does that? People who need to protest too much and create a public face. When me and my h were loving each other, we were too busy actually doing that and being happy to need to post on FB about it  ::)

I guess your next challenge post-divorce (well other than resolving the financial stuff) is to find a way to have a system for your kids that doesn't require you to communicate with him much at all.

Why does he need to talk to you about a fish tank???
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 16, 2019, 04:37:36 AM
Hi Treasur, because I will be paying for the electric of it! Yes just buy the kids a fish tank as yes I will set it up as you won’t enter the house even though I have no idea about fish and please don’t worry about the cost or up keep as your ex wife will cover that! I don’t firetrucking think so!
I have told him I don’t need to do anything. If the kids are late which son was on Friday, Thats not my problem. I told him nothing to do with me and I don’t have to take his feelings into account as I was sacked from that position.

My ic thinks, Ex h had argument with ow who thrust the papers under his nose, he signed for absolute in reaction and she skipped down to the post office. Probably but makes no difference how it was done as it was done and that’s that! I can’t change it so I $h!te the door and put
Boundaries up. Ic feels he having a tantrum as he didn’t expect me to say okey dokey. No longer the wife so I no longer need to accommodate your crazy xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 16, 2019, 04:48:10 AM
So that's a hard no to the fish tank right? Ridiculous. Well, if it turns up you can always sell it...they are expensive  :)

A lot of this experience is very painful as you know RP. But it can be liberating too to be able to say nope, you fired me from being your w and friend, not my problem and I don't care, leave a message after the tone of Meh'. Slightly harder with kids, but not impossible. If a random relative gave your kids a fish tank, you would react just as you are doing now...him and ow can always have a fish tank at his place to entertain the kids if he wishes right?

Who knows why he did what he did...but you're right, it's done. If ow is following the standard ow script then she will probably be turning the screws on him to start planning their wedding asap so she has more asinine twu lurve things to post on FB. What's that phrase 'Be careful what you wish for bc you might well get it'....that should be a free tattoo given away with every MLC imho.

What are your plans for Christmas sans fish tank, RP?

You are doing well, my friend. Just Say No to Crazy like the old drug ads right?  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 16, 2019, 07:21:08 AM
Well, I also agree and did tell you. The fact she has to post how happy and amazing her relationship. Signifys. It’s not all good. Because unless your doing it for a third party? Why post online. I can honestly say the only time when I was with Clington when I got soppy would be a week in feb. The week before valentines as our anniversary was 6th feb so from then till valentines I was nice and soppy. Other than that I would probably tag him in “when your fella doesn’t pick his socks up and is a idiot” style quotes. However, if I had someone who I had to prove we were happy too. That’s probably what I would do. She’s making her things public so she can ensure you see it.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 16, 2019, 07:36:09 AM
EXACTLY!!!  It's done for you. 

Insecure people do those things.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 16, 2019, 07:44:24 AM
EXACTLY!!!  It's done for you. 

Insecure people do those things.

Or for other people.
Or even to persuade herself tbh. I know a few of my friends who say have had financial troubles or problems with kids who will suddenly start posting those 'look at our lovely family day out' or 'here we are drinking wine somewhere snazzy' pics. But bc I know them in RL, I know that there are a lot of other things going on....yes, insecurity usually but imho not always aimed at the LBS.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 16, 2019, 07:59:41 AM
It’s a site called quora, people ask a question and anyone can answer. So the question was how can I show my girlfriend I love her without spending loads and that was her reply. She does know that my kids or sister look sometimes. Perhaps he is happy however the “ my partner does loads for me” was said to son the other week by his father as he is never left alone and has to do everything. Who knows and really, I don’t need a man that has to do loads as I can do it all myself. I laid my daughters carpet last weekend!
No point dwelling on if he is happy or not as changes nothing for me. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on December 16, 2019, 11:10:06 AM
RP - So sorry about the way the D was given to you.
Like Philadelphia Girl, my never told me he was filing either.
It's truly hurtful that someone you trusted and told everything to for so many years can't even have the kindness to tell you that they no longer want to be married.  I agree -- cowardice!

You sound strong through this all.
Thinking about you and hoping that you have a wonderful (fish-tank free) Holiday season.

Hugs,
Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 18, 2019, 12:58:56 AM
My son said something the other day that I am shocked at. I don’t know if ex h lying but son said seemed sincere. S16 said to his father that it was not kind how he did the divorce and ex h replied that he didn’t know but he can’t change it. That means ow would if had to forge his signature.

Left finances for ex h to sort so will wait and see if anything comes in that front xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 18, 2019, 05:09:27 AM
Oh my God, you're kidding?!

That would be a crime if she forged his signature.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 18, 2019, 07:40:13 AM
It would thunder but what would asking if that was the case get me? Ex h probably wouldn’t admit and it would take how long and not change anything. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 18, 2019, 07:51:14 AM
Oh I know Rising, I was just saying it is a crime to forge someone's signature.

Maybe when his head clears he will resent that she did it.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Anon on December 18, 2019, 08:03:01 AM
Rising, if ow did forge his signature then it could be the beginning of the end of their relationship. That evil and illegal action of hers just might jolt him enough to clear some fog.  It would be hard to believe he has no problem with what she did.  Even if he was on the verge of signing himself, the fact that she took it upon herself to do it has to be ringing deafening alarm bells in his fogged up mind.  It might be enough to begin the unravelling.   Do nothing except make popcorn and grab a comfy seat and just let it play out. 

Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 18, 2019, 08:24:45 AM
Y'know, before this life experience in the sandpit of the disordered, that kind of thing would never even have occurred to me....now, yup, completely possible for the standard ow type, although of course that might not have been what he meant in his response. Who knows? You are being wise RP in being pragmatic about it imho. But I suspect in the new year you may have to drive the financials as ow won't unless it benefits her which it probably won't. But hey that's a problem for another year right?  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 18, 2019, 08:58:20 AM
I think ow would like the finances done. They live in a one bedroom bungalow that is owned by her parents. She keeps mentioning that she has been told babies are in her future. I don’t think they would give up a free bungalow to rent a house. She wants to buy and can’t while he has a mortgage with me. Although this is all guess work as I don’t speak to him myself.

What do you think it could of meant Treasur when he says that? Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 24, 2019, 11:20:50 AM
Well I have asked ex h numerous times about him seeing the kids over Xmas and nothing other than in Friday he couldn’t see the kids as back given up and doesnt know what to do about work! (Speak to your girlfriend?) he told son may be able to see them Boxing Day but as yet no plans so I am making my own plans and it’s tough $h!tee if he turns up! Too late in the day! I may look like bad mom but ffs, we are not sitting here Boxing Day wondering! He isn’t allowed to see them Xmas day! He said working but seems to forget I know the drill re his work and Xmas day! They either finish at 2pm or start at 2 pm!

Merry Christmas my hs family xxx🎄
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on December 24, 2019, 11:58:00 AM
I think ow would like the finances done. They live in a one bedroom bungalow that is owned by her parents. She keeps mentioning that she has been told babies are in her future. I don’t think they would give up a free bungalow to rent a house. She wants to buy and can’t while he has a mortgage with me. Although this is all guess work as I don’t speak to him myself.

What do you think it could of meant Treasur when he says that? Xx

Could mean a bunch of things...but y'know MLC right?
That he lied bc he didn't want to look like the bad guy to your son. That he didn't 'know' son would think it was unkind how he did it. That ow applied the pressure and he didn't want to admit it. That he just doesn't want to take responsibility for anything, the MLC version of 'the dog ate my homework'....a whole bunch of possible things.
All word salad. All indirect and unclear.
And all not worth your energy thinking about.

His actions re Christmas? Well, the feet tell you more than the mouth, my friend.
Quite right to press on with your plans and ignore him but I am sorry if your kids had expectations of seeing him. What an a$$hat.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 25, 2019, 11:45:11 AM
Well a major wtf moment! Ex h text son last night that he would see them today! He came at 9am and came in!! Had a cup of tea and watched the kids open their presents!!! They gave him a present of a picture of them and he got emotional and gave me £20 for Xmas! I gave him a hug when he left which he tried to avoid and I said don’t be daft it’s just an xmas huh and got 1 armed  bandit.
Also has bought them the fish tank I said no to and wants to set it up!!
I’m speechless and don’t know how to handle it. Do I go quiet again and see what happens? Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Believer on December 25, 2019, 01:49:53 PM
Hi Rising Phoenix,

Yep a Christmas moment indeed. The emotions for family seem to surface this time of year, then disappear just as quick.
Gotta love he got them the fish tank you said no to.  ::)
Protect your heart and go quiet if that feels best for you.

Hugs,
Believer
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on December 25, 2019, 05:15:41 PM
RP -
MLCers are so strange, indeed.

One armed bandit!!

I think regarding the fish tank - you need to pick your battles.
If this is something you feel very strongly about, then yes, stand your ground.
If it's something you're willing to sway on - given the fact the he's shown up and been somewhat kind for the holiday - then reassess your stand on that.

Either way - glad he showed up for the kids.

Merry Christmas!

Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Milly on December 26, 2019, 04:31:52 AM
Rising, I'm glad your H turned up for your kids on Christmas Day, and you eve got £20 out of it, plus a one armed bandit. I wouldn't be surprised that the one armed bandit might scare him off now for a little, whether because it felt good or he doesn't want you to get your hopes up. I'll be interested in seeing if your fish tank gets set up. My H bought our kids a tropical fish tank a couple of years before BD, whilst he was already in his crisis. When I moved out of our family home, the tank was still all new with the instructions inside.

If he does come back to do the tank, I would give him space and mirror his behaviour towards you. Still, nice you had this touch and go. It's been years since your H was this close!
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 27, 2019, 06:07:53 AM
So I am back to being the awful ex wife I feel. Must of been the one armed bandit that did it. 2 steps forward and a major step back. I have been deleted from his WhatsApp in Boxing Day. There’s me thinking it went really well. The kids were happy and I said nothing except Xmas talk. Ex h is apparently going to set the fish tank up and teach everyone to look after it! I won’t be. I don’t want a fish tank so I certainly won’t be learning how to look after it. He bought it so he can look after it with the kids xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Thunder on December 27, 2019, 06:28:24 AM
Yep the hug scared him, plus being at the house may have gave him feelings he didn't want to feel.
OR someone else blocked you because they were not too happy he spent time with his family.

Rising, I would just make it clear to the kids it will be their responsibility to keep the tank clean and to feed the fish..before he sets it up.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on December 27, 2019, 08:18:48 AM
Rising -
I am sorry that that touch and go was so short-lived.
Maybe better that it was...

I think that Thunder's thought about you being deleted on Whatt's App by someone else may be an accurate thought.  Either way...

Hugs to you

Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: sachat3 on December 28, 2019, 01:48:34 AM
I agree I’m not convinced it was him that deleted you. Or it may have been after a “why is she there. Delete her now” type comment.
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on December 28, 2019, 02:44:59 AM
Thanks, thunder, sea and sachet , sounds about right that probably someone else, I dreamt he was picking apples in my back garden last night! Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on December 28, 2019, 08:36:02 AM
RP -
Was it a good dream?  Or did you chase him off for trespassing!?!   ::)
Hopefully, he picked some apples, then came in for some tea???

Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on January 03, 2020, 07:28:07 PM
Update: I thought I would apply for a copy of the decree absolute to see who signed it as we know ow applied for it. Well no one signed it! The application was typed out and where it said signature ex h name was typed in the box! There is no signature! How the hell did a judge pass that? I have asked for it to be re looked at as joe bloggs cousin twice removed could of completed that! Ex h said to son that he didn’t even know it had been typed! Clearly fraud! Proving it would be hard but as far as I am concerned working for a government dept a typed name is not a legal signature! Who does that? Puts in an application for decree absolute without the knowledge of the husband and wife? Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on January 03, 2020, 07:52:56 PM
Ex h took son out for the day, daughter ducky want to go. Son came back and ex h had been reminiscing! He had been talking about how in Ibiza before kids born that I had my purse stollen and we saw an actor from raiders of the lost arc outside a coffee shop and ex h drive on the wrong side of the road. Also how he got a speeding ticket in France and that son was ill when we got to Brighton once but the aquarium we visited was fab! Ex h told son to ask me as his memory is shot! Sound familiar? Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on January 04, 2020, 02:10:34 AM
So this morning I got a crappy text from ex h. I have never told him to F off or anything before but this morning my reply was this 🖕
I am so sick of holding myself with dignity and grace so I let it slip this once.
Saw my I. This morn and he feels I need to write down everything from the beginning of what my life has been like and how ex h has been for last 5 yrs. I said so ex h has truly moved on and he said no I think it is a man who is not mentally well. Xx
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Treasur on January 04, 2020, 02:42:51 AM
Understandable, RP. All of us get tired of the high road without some basic quid pro quo. Although you know I suppose that it won't make any difference....your xh is cycling from 'happy memories' to 'crappy text' without any input from you.

You might have seen on my thread that I did just what you have described. Wrote the last five years out as an overview. It was quite cathartic actually, a kind of purging, and I felt nothing but compassion of myself as I saw how incomprehensibly and relentlessly awful it was at times. And how little of it was created or controlled by me. It also made me feel very glad that I was no longer living in 2016/17/18, grateful to have survived it and quite determined that I would never want to allow that kind of pain or mindf**kery into my life again for any reason.  :)
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Seahorse on January 04, 2020, 05:39:35 PM
RP -
I'm so sorry that you got a crappy text from H today.
That really makes things more difficult; actually any text makes things more difficult...
Sometimes you need to stand your ground, and I think the stronger we become, the easier that is to do -- with clarity and honesty...

Interesting though from your IC. 
Maybe it is an issue of mental illness.
Seeming that OW filed the papers??? - Him allowing that without throwing her to the curb??!!!??

I also, 2 days ago took inventory of several things over the last 26 years, and it brough so much clarity to me (I believe with God's help, however).

On a strai9ght path now, much stronger.
Perhaps the inventory would be a good thing for you?

Let us know how the review of the decree shows.
That's amazing!!

Hugs,
Sea
Title: Re: The end is nigh
Post by: Rising Phoenix on January 07, 2020, 09:03:44 AM
New thread time

Hope you join Me
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11338.new#new