Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Wilderheart on September 02, 2019, 08:57:01 AM

Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 02, 2019, 08:57:01 AM
BD 1st March
Me 54 STBXW 46
M 9 years T 27 years

Hi, I'm new to this (although I have been reading stuff on here for the last 6 months) so I will start at the start My wife aged 46 walked out the day after her birthday in March proclaiming she doesn't 'know who she is' and 'it wasn't her life but mine she's been living' and she 'doesn't love me anymore.' We have been together for 27 years and married for 9 of those years. We had spent the last 1 1/2 years fixing up a house we had bought in the country as well as our flat in London which we remortgaged to buy the country house.

I was self employed but due to depression and very noisy neighbours above us I just kinda gave up working and slipped into a deep funk without really ever any discussion between us. My STBXW has a very well paid job so both mortgages were based on her income alone and the house in the country is solely in her name as it was cheaper to spread the mortgage out over 20 years as due to my age it would have been over 15 years only.

That side of things we did discuss and agree upon and we also agreed that if my wife wasn't happy in our new home I would up and leave and move back to London immediately. The plan was to spend long weekends in the house and for her to spend 3 nights a week in the London flat as she works in the city. In hindsight I think we both had depression living in London especially as the last few years there we had to endure all night banging from the people living above and yes we tried talking to them and even later complaining to the landlords but to no avail or respite.

Things at first seemed to be going ok and we were excited by our new home and having relatives and friends coming to visit us admittedly my folks came over more than they were invited as they live nearby, and that irked her somewhat, and we did discuss that I would ask them not to come by so often but she didn't want me to mention that to them. She would say things like 'I don't know how you are anymore' and 'it's not like it used to when it was just us alone'.

So with all that in mind I totally get he reason for the break-up as there was a lot of pressure and stress on her to work and maintain the mortgages and bills, and I still wasn't getting back to work as I should have done as the new house was improving my anxiety and now clinical depression. So far although a shock the breakdown of the marriage on reflection makes sense and I had noticed she hadn't really been in the room for a few weeks leading up to it. When she came home the day after her birthday (she said she was to ill to travel on her birthday) and announced she was leaving it was very cold and very brutal and I have to say I went into a spiral of depression.

The words that really haunted me after was as she walked out of the door she said "I expected there to be violence'. I had never been violent in all the years we had spent together although on a few drunken occasions like my brothers wedding she had been violent to me but I always kinda just accepted that side of her and it was never really harmful. Her father was a violent man by all accounts but I had never met him and she hadn't spoken to him in 30, although two weeks before the break-up she had expressed a desire to see her father again.

Her mother left him when my wife was young and had remarried 3 times since then. Sorry if this is turning out to be overlong but I want to provide some of the back story as to why I am posting on here. The reason I'm posting and asking on here is of because of my STBXW's behaviour since the break-up. Within two days of the break-up she sent me her plans for the divorce which entailed me signing everything over to her with a possibility of her giving me a small money over the next 3 years to help get me back on my feet.

Then over the next two weeks she bombarded me and my family with around 200 phone calls and e-mails, despite my pleas just too hold back and give me a couple of weeks to clear my head of the shock and then we could discuss the divorce. By the end of the first two weeks I had to instruct a solicitor to ask her to please stop or I would have to put an harassment order on her, which did stop her for awhile but then came the approaching of our old long term friends and the smear campaigns, she even told a few that I used to beat her, but when questioned she would say "my mind gets a bit fuzzy about the past' and then dismiss the stories.

I have had no contact with her since those first two weeks after the break-up, but our good friends had tried to talk to her and even tried to get her to speak to me and sort things out but they have only been met with as they described raging anger from her and how she says she's going to destroy everything so I get nothing in the divorce.

When we first met I had a very successful business and I had helped her through college to get the qualifications she has now, and I had put her name on the flat in London. Since the break-up she has locked me out of our flat and I have stayed at our/her house. Again apologies if this is overlong. I have spent the last six months trying to fathom who this person now is.

I hear from friends she is abusing drugs and alcohol has lost almost 56pounds in weight and seems to be partying every other night. Her spending seems to be out of control and all bills have been forwarded to me. Both mortgages have gone unpaid for the last 3 months, which has spurred me to getting back to work in order to prevent the properties being repossessed, which I am dealing with now although she was posting on social media that she can't afford food.

She has now blocked all of our long term old friends from social media, and a few that had seen her recently tell me that they have no idea who she is anymore, it seems to be an overnight complete personality change, most want nothing more to do with her. She seems to have found a new group of friends who still like to party and take recreational drugs. I have now told all friends that I do want to hear about her as I am finding it to upsetting, but every now again one will ring and say 'I think its important to know...she's giving all your stuff away on Facebook or she's resigning her job (not true so far).

Despite texting a friend recently to tell me to contact her because her mother has stage 4 cancer (again not true, at least not the stage 4 part) she says in a solicitors letter that we can only communicate through solicitors which I have stuck to and tried to progress the divorce in order that we can both move on, yet I have not heard from her solicitor for 3 months now and have no idea what is going on. There was an initial flurry of solicitors letters from her which suggested she had tried suicide twice and amongst other things that she was going to sue me for giving her bulimia (it was anorexia with another friends version). 

Oh I did make the terrible mistake of suggesting it may be a midlife crisis to her at the start of the break-up so I got a solicitors letter about that also. Speaking to friends and family they tell me now how they used to find it amusing and endearing about how much I used to love and adore her even when they all knew she was in a bad mood. I just wish I could just call her and speak to her but am told by everyone not to do it as she is still so angry at me.

There is so much more that has been going on that doesn't make any sense but I think I have gone on long enough for now. I'm not sure if there's anyone else involved in this atm but I do suspect that there is, but hey that's not my business anymore,  I'm not even sure if it's a midlife crisis she's going through to be honest but some elements do seem to match other peoples stories on here. I'm still devastated by the breakdown of our marriage and of course would dearly love for us to try and work things through but at the moment it's like I'm waiting for a hurricane to passover before going out to survey the damage.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Father5 on September 02, 2019, 09:21:12 AM
Hi Wildheart,

One of the vets will be along soon to give you some advice. I just want to say welcome. Sorry you are here but glad you have found us.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 02, 2019, 09:44:15 AM
Thank you so much.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Finding Joy on September 02, 2019, 01:40:50 PM
Wilderheart, It took me about 6 months to be ready to journal as well.  I’m so sorry you are walking through this.  It does get better.  Yes, the veterans will be along shortly!  Breath, and possibly get out in the fresh air, take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Limboland2018 on September 03, 2019, 01:32:20 AM
Wilderheart - What reasonated with your situation is you speak of your mlcer being filled with rage and anger. My mlcer is trying to do something about his situation now and he told me he is sick of being angry with everything, everyone and with himself. Unfortunately the lbs is the emotional punching bag for their anger.  My mlcer is booking into a three week residential mental health treatment program to try to deal with his issues. So sorry you are in this situation.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 03, 2019, 01:58:29 AM
Wilderheart, sorry you are here but glad you found us if that makes sense.

Glad too that you have the support and validation of people in RL who see that this is far from normal and that your w is no longer recognisable as the person you knew. Not sure why that helps so much but it does. And they are quite right that limited, if any, contact is the thing to do when you are dealing with an irrational person full of rage and bile. You simply can't talk normal to bonkers, sorry.

So, does your w tick a lot of the MLC boxes? From here in the cheap seats, my word yes...she might as well be wearing an MLC hat. Try not to worry at that too much though....there will be plenty of time when you will need to unpick all the WTF and will review your shared history with a slightly different eye...that's normal and we each reach different conclusions.

What strikes me about your situation now though is that it seems you have three pressing priorities as things stand....and none of them is about your w.
Your own mental health and resilience, particularly bc you say you have had past experience of depression.
Short-term financial issues including how to keep a secure roof over your head while your w is evidently wanting to take a flamethrower to everything.
Longer term financial security and reaching a legal settlement appropriate for the overall financial history of your relationship.

I would humbly suggest that these are things to fight for now bc they are the things that will affect your future no matter what happens to or with your w.

What are you doing about those three things right now?
What kind of support do you have or need?
Are there things you need to do that you have not yet done or are not sure how to do?
I appreciate that you probably feel overwhelmed and quite despairing of better days when life makes sense again, so doing some things feels very hard. Maybe even impossible. But we have been where you are and you can use us like a spare brain and a free cheerleader  :)
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: OldPilot on September 03, 2019, 06:35:08 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Shockandawe on September 03, 2019, 04:06:43 PM
Hi Wilde

Thank goodness you found this place.
What a complete clusterf**k these MLCers are.
I am 16 months into this nightmare and I am learning as much as I possibly can about the phenomenon that is MLC.
I have good days and bad though the good are beginning to outweigh the bad somewhat.
Mine told me that I needed to get my own life as he and his alienator were going to live their new shiny lives together. That he loved me then he wasn’t sure then he hadn’t loved me for 5 years then he had never loved me and didn’t want to marry me. WTF moments are normal in MLC so are the lies and my goodness does mine lie!
I have slowly pulled myself up out of the pit of despair and got myself that life.
This place is like nowhere else, it’s a forum no one wanted to be a member of but it’s an absolute lifesaver for the LBS’s.
The vets on here will be there for you and understand fully what you’re going through.
We are the LBS army in a way and we leave no one behind.
Take great care of yourself as there’s nothing you can do to help your MLCer.

God bless you
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 03, 2019, 08:29:24 PM
I did go into a complete tailspin in the early days of the break-up and at one point was sectioned and put on 24 hour watch, thankfully that is all behind me now.
For the first time ever I have sought medical intervention for my depression, we both used to self medicate heavily with alcohol in the past so the depression was never really spotted by my GP although I had been given therapy for anxiety and agoraphobia in the past few years. I now have a team of mental health workers who have been amazing and are getting me back on the path of rebuilding my life. To be honest I hadn't really existed on this planet for a few years. the move to the country and working on the house to get things as we wanted them, was getting me better over this time things in our marriage seemed to be revitalised. I'm still smoking way to many cigarettes but will try and get a grip on that, Not really sleeping well I have pills for that but have now halved the dosage. We were both excited about our new home and I had more or less quit the drinking without really spotting my wife hadn't. I've read on here that people spoke of those dark dilated shark eyes and I had noticed those around two weeks before our break-up and very much so on the day she announced our relationship was over.
In the short term, finances are not good for me, but I do have a collection of rare memorabilia that we had amassed over the years and we were saving to cash in when we retired, so I'm currently having to place then into auctions in order to cover the mounting legal fees and in a few months time I will be able to cover at least the mortgage and the missed payments on the flat, but it is a slow process. I have been in contact with the mortgage company and have made an arrangement with them. Hopefully by October I will be able to move back in there as she has stated in several solicitors letters that she wants to move in with her Mother to nurse her through her illness.
I have been very isolated and alone in solitary confinement in our country house and have spent months looking on line for reasons why this was happening and for a few months never left the house. In that time my STBXW found several ways to attack me using mutual friends to pass on messages, I would say you wouldn't believe the myriad of hurtful tricks and mind games she played, but I've been on here in the background long enough to realise now that its happened to others with almost identical events.
Most if not all of our large circle of friends have now realised by themselves that they were being used and/or being duped in one way or another.
I have never, and never will say a bad word about her because I love her, so I have not influenced anyone in any way whatsoever.
Some have met her (she requested to meet them) again to try to help things between us but have come away feeling very sad and that something bad was happening. One very good mutual friend told me it was to upsetting for him to ever meet her again and that I was 'just the fall guy in this drama' and 'maybe best if I got on a plane and never looked back'.
The best man and the maid of honour at our wedding are a couple and they have been a tower of strength from the very start, they have have offered that I come live with them in the capital from 1st of October onwards as they realised that I was losing control and not really coping here on my own. I'm off on Friday to spend this coming weekend with them and hopefully to catch up with some other old friends, as other than phone calls I've not had any emotional support here whatsoever for the last six months. I could really use a hug and a darn good cry at the moment.
I have been kept busy with the practical side of things and having been doing my best to save the properties and assets, speaking to lenders etc in the hope that she wakes up from this nightmare world she has now created.  I have also had to open bank accounts, register for taxes, sort out the wifi and telephone (she closed them down) and the unpaid utility bills, she has also now locked all of my belongings into a storage unit and is not paying the bill in order to get it all repossessed and sold off cheap at auction. I'm not sure if she hasn't given my car away yet but will find out this weekend. I've been dealing with estate agents to get the house sold asap as we put a lot of equity into it (and a lot of work) but she has said on social media and written to the mortgage company to say she wants it repossessed as soon as possible. It would require her consent to sell it of course and again she just ignores solicitors letters and has told friends she would rather he gets nothing from the sale.
As I said its been 3 months since I've last had a letter from her solicitor, my disclosure has been on the table for months now and it looks like I will have to raise the money to go to court in order to force her to disclose for a divorce I don't want. The divorce has been registered with the court and she now wants me to pay for it. The unreasonable behaviour she has listed as grounds for the divorce are ridiculous and would be laughable is it wasn't such a serious matter.
I'm not sure what the future hold for us if there is any together, but I will and am getting stronger day by day and trying to own the really really bad days (like today) sometimes the pain and heartache are unbearable. I don't care about the houses and stuff but I care with all my heart for her and am so very worried about the often dangerous situations and states she is getting into, its not been unknown for her to have collapsed drunk in the streets in the early hours. I'm so scared for her.
Thank you all so much for replying and I think I'm only just starting to comprehend what has happened, I take full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage I just wish we had talked before it came to this or maybe it had to come to this for me to become stronger and hopefully for us both to find happiness one way or another in this life. I think and hope I will get through this, I just miss my friend so much. I think we are both now on very different rollercoaster rides. I'm crying as I write this and I think it's the first time I have really cried since it all began in March. Thank you again for all being here.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Shockandawe on September 03, 2019, 10:19:07 PM
Wilde

I think you are coping with a mountain of cr*p at the moment.
I lived  minute by minute for many months. My MLCer gaslighted me for a long time. Made me believe it was all my fault, told me he was living with an ex colleague whilst having an ea with some woman he met online. All lies. He actually lives with a woman who he works with and she left her h for mine.
The point I am making is there is very probably om floating around somewhere so, after all the cr*p you have already faced please prepare yourself for this outcome.

My sister is a recovered MLCer and she has her own thread. Give her threads a viewing, she gives some invaluable insight into the somewhat crazy mind of someone in MLC.

Look after yourself and let her run around in her craziness as this has to run it’s course but you don’t need to run with her.

God bless you
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 03, 2019, 11:05:07 PM
I think there is a om also and I think it is an old friend of ours. He was calling me a lot at the start of this but suddenly ceased all contact with me. I may have well been broken for awhile but his guy still lives at home gets stoned everyday walks with a stick and has serious mental health issues. I have put two and two together and come up with five but in replaying her youth I do think that there is something going on there. The betrayal hurts a lot of course and maybe she's doing it to try and push me over that edge. I have already stepped back from the precipice. It's strange that I've never had any anger maybe it will surface one day, but I've never really had any anger in me. My solicitor has requested a set of keys to the flat and asked her to vacate as soon as possible or by any means October 1st. I have no idea what I will find when I can enter there, she has a history of smashing the flat up when she was drunk and angry. People assure me I will be ok and I'm putting a brave front on but inside I'm feel like I'm losing my mind. Can't sleep, trying to come off the sleeping pills that the GP gave me as they are not doing me any good, was told I was addicted to them as I have been on them for months now and they are not intended for long term use. I have lost a lot of weight but that seems to be stabilising now. I just need to get out more and socialise I have gone for weeks without seeing another human being and I kinda slipped through the net with the mental health support team network but that has improved over the last two weeks and I'm staying with friends his weekend. Shockandawe do you have a link to your sisters thread.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 04, 2019, 12:06:11 AM
Wilder
I am really glad that you are getting the mental health support you need and the loving support of friends. I am also tbh rather admiring of how much you have managed to tackle proactively at the same time. You may not feel that way, but it is there in your story.

It's important that you respect the reality of what has happened to you - not bc of you, but to you - and the reality of just how draining of your emotional and mental resilience this is. Not so you can wallow in victimhood, but so you can disagree with the internal voice of despair that tells you that you are broken and it will never get better. That voice is a liar so keep mentally punching it on the nose. Most of us never imagined life would get better but it does. Might take a while but it does. And you are not alone here with a spouse trying to destroy you financially and legally...Savoir Faire and Milly are just two who spring to mind.

And your W? It is understandable that you care about her after 27 years....but right now you need to care more about you. Partly bc she is not. Mostly bc your w is a train wreck who wants to destroy you; whatever she was before, she is not that person now. Nor is she someone who one could navigate a mediation with or any kind of rational divorce process...so yes, the court option is probably the only route. Sucks but it is reality bc your w is essentially behaving like someone who is an addict or someone who is mentally ill. And you can't fix that. Just like an addict. From what you write, it sounds as if your w is selfmedicating her rage by trying to blame and destroy you, selfmedicating her depression with om, drugs, alcohol and money. And you need to respect the reality of that too. Just like an addict. I loved my h and I would have taken a bullet for him...but I had to change my perspective once I realised he was firing the bullets. But it is a mindf**k that takes a while to adjust to.

Use the L process bc you may care more about your w than money/houses etc...but your w would see you homeless and bankrupt if she could and that wouldn't fix anything at all would it? I hope that your L understands that this is not a normal divorce, that your w is currently disordered in her behaviour and that he/she is advising you accordingly. Keep focused on your own recovery. Let the people who love you hold you up for a while when you need it. Stay away from her and document everything.

If your w ever recovers, even after divorce, there will be time enough to show love and care for her. But that time is not yet. And just like an addict, she may need to fall much further for longer before she wants to change.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 04, 2019, 12:38:29 AM
Thank you. I found Shockandawe's thread and it all kinda makes sense of the senselessness that is happening her sister sounds a lot my STBXW. It has given me some glimmer of hope and strength. I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out in the end or if I can hold onto the rope for that long, my hands are already blistered. I think we will get divorced but at the moment she is delaying matters, I think divorce is more complicated than she envisaged it would be. In the long term I will be financially very well off, my parents are quite wealthy on paper, as a friend said 'you've got everything going for you, your handsome, charming and have the best friends in the world'. I'm meeting old friends on saturday night as there is a premier screening of a documentary about me and my/our life and how we had changed other peoples lives in the past, expect I will probably cry a bit (by a bit I mean a lot), as my STBXW was very much a part of what we had achieved over the years. I can see by your sisters observations of the FOG that my wife is doing the same and has gone off-line into her own fantasy world at the moment and spending money like crazy on clothes and going out. I wish I could help her but for now she has signed legal documents to say she doesn't want my help I can see now that I'm the enemy and in her mind the reason she is so unhappy with her life.
I still miss my friend.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 04, 2019, 01:32:52 AM
Treasur I love your blog will have to try some of the recipes. My L is acutely aware of the nature of the divorce if not somewhat exasperated by her posturing legal letters. My STBXW does work for a law firm but for some reason has engaged a cheap L in her hometown. I think she does not want her firm to see how she is behaving. She has put on social media how she is thinking of resigning her job to go work in the mental health sector. I do think her mother has played a big part in the break-up as she does have some borderline issues and as I've said before has been divorced a few times. I hope my wife does move back in with her and I hope she does reunite with her alcoholic criminal father before he dies as even in his absence he has a role to play in this break up. Your right I do need to work on myself and lean on or at least into friends for awhile. Being here is really helping me a lot and I can't thank you all enough but will try again and again. I do know that there is a long road to travel on this journey in front of me and with all your messages of support and advice I feel some of the burden has been lifted and that I am not alone on this path. Thank you again.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Busy_Bee on September 04, 2019, 09:17:32 AM
Hi Wilderheart,
It is very difficult for me to read newbies stories. Anyway, I would like to welcome you.
Your wife is in MLC, she needs to go through and you too

- She wants divorce. OK, do not stall it. Agree to it. As long as there will be fair settlement.
  from my own experience, looking 3 years back, I'm glad I did it. I've managed to get a very good deal, while my MLCer was on guilt mode. If I would divorce now I'll be in trouble. 
- Communication. Well, this one is difficult. You want her back and she knows that, so she will manipulates you big time. That one is up to you to decide when enough is enough. ( read some male LBS's threads like Ursa, Whyus and others..)
- you don't want to be in the state of anguish and uncertainty for a long time. Don't you? I bet you don't. Then you need to cut communications with her as much as possible. Still, it will take you up to 2 years to understand what is going on ( MLCers tend to cycle wildly in the beginning..like I want to-I want you not. It will put huge stress on your physical and most important mental health. Cut off the crazy! Easier said then done but you HAVE to. You need to remember that MLC takes 4-10 years... so you better plan your life accordingly.
- Oh, last but not least. No relationship talks, no roses and presents , it's useless. She is gone. Respect her wishes and learn to leave with that.

Sorry if it was short in brutal. You are not alone on this path.
We are with you, just post as much as you want. 

Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 05, 2019, 12:39:14 AM
Was visited by a mental health worker on Monday for a check up, visited the GP on tuesday and was visited by another mental health team member yesterday (apparently I had thrown up red flags all over their system), they all say I am improving and that I will be ok, it doesn't really feel that way to me at the moment, but time will tell. I have only had one L letter from her in the last 3 months and that was to say 'we are awaiting instruction from our client' does she even want this divorce now? or maybe she wants to draw it out to run up legal fees and it buys her time to run up debts on the properties. She said at the start to wants to go bankrupt, and told a friend 'he will not win this divorce'. Neither of us will win of course and we will both be losers. My L has given her an ultimatum to disclose by the 11th of September else we will have to go up the forced disclosure court route, and to vacate the flat by any means on October 1st. So this is and could be a very telling month or maybe she will just ignore it and bury her head in the sand as she has been doing thus far.

I've not communicated with her since the middle of March and I have blocked her on social media, all of her family blocked me on the day of the break-up which is sad because I've know them all for 27 years we even all went on holiday together this time last year, and last christmas my STBXW was excitedly planning to have them all spend the holiday at our house and was talking about sleeping arrangements and stuff. As on holiday I would have been doing all the cooking as I enjoy doing it.

I'm heading up to London tomorrow to stay with friends and also to deliver some of the artworks we had collected over the years to an auction house. We had collected these as an investment for when she retired and to go off and travel the world. I have no other way of raising cash to pay the L atm I've had to go to the food bank just to survive, I am now receiving basic universal credits allowance but nowhere near enough to pay any mortgages or bills. It will be months before the artworks are sold and to go to court for disclosure will costs thousands so it is just an empty threat for the time being.

My brother had a look at FB and she is talking about visiting a friend in Australia maybe she will abscond and leave me to clear up this terrible mess she has made of things. The mortgages went into 3 months of arrears yesterday so that's both our credit ratings destroyed.

She seems to be contacting really old friends (all single males) that we had not seen for years and revisiting all our old haunts even places that didn't interest her before, strangely she told a friend that 'me and her are the same person now' and its as though she has exorcised me from her life and is trying to live hers as me, but in a version of our early years together.

She has now blocked most of our closest friends on Facebook and told them her therapist has told her to cease all contact with people from her/our past.

I've been reading all I can in here for days now and it has given me some valuable insights into why this is happening but its still hard to equate it to the woman she was and has now become. I get it now there is no thought of me or the hurt and damage she is doing, she seems happy to wreck her own life just to destroy me in the process. I don't hate her for his or even feel any anger towards her just absolute sadness. I'm doing my best to save both of us for financial ruin but it is an uphill battle as she methodically sets about destroying both our lives.

Did get some sleep last night and have started to cook and eat again. I have decided I will stand for her and let history take care of things, but for now as you have all stated I really need to care for myself as though I was caring for somebody else, ie.: I wouldn't give them a can of beer to wash down sleeping pills and I would feed them healthy food and make them eat and sleep regularly.

My brain is still being bad to me so I do need to work those mental muscles and ignore the bad thoughts. I have resisted many urges just to pick up the phone and just say 'c'mon now...' and having read so much in here I now know NOT to do that and how counter productive that would be. So again thank you all.

Does she know how much I love her maybe but as you have said she she just doesn't care and I think she would be happier if I just didn't exist anymore.

That hurts.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 05, 2019, 10:26:51 PM
Its now 6 in the morning can't sleep, spent last night reading all of Shockandawe's posts, and they have made me think a lot about what my w is going through, my brother had a look at her FB page and says she just looks ill, she's wearing sunglasses in most of the pics and just prior to the break-up she had her earphones in constantly whilst drinking in the early hours of the morning. I would wake up to find her side of the bed empty to come down and find her in the kitchen having her own private party, I would ask what's going on but she always would say 'oh I'm just a bit stressed'. She told a friend before the break-up he keeps asking if theres something wrong and there isn't and it was upsetting for her that I though there was something wrong and there wasn't. Her Facebook post on valentines day was what a wonderful husband she had and how lucky she was, that was just two weeks before the BD. Probably like others here in have spent days and weeks searching the internet to find a reason and was only cherry picking the ones that suited me and my wishes for a happy outcome. I need to stop doing this now, I've been in a stupor for six months now but something is very slowly waking up in me and I realise how dependant I was on her in past few years. She is gone for now and I need to get me back whilst she is away.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 09, 2019, 06:51:13 AM
Today l dropped the stuff off at the auction house, feeling low because we had invested in it so we could travel in later life. That dream has gone now. Went to our storage unit but NY STBXW has changed the locks for now and is not paying the bill as she wants them to repossess everything in there, a friend of mine paid the bill for now. Still no word from her or her L. I have asked her to vacate our flat via my L by October 1st and let me have a set of keys so l can live there whilst the divorce goes through. Not even sure if she still wants a divorce nothing from her for over 3 months now. The hurt is still eating me up I still feel I'm in denial and hoping we could still reconcile but she has destroyed all trust and has now blocked all friends and family. I don't see how we can be together ever again. The mortgages are still unpaid but I am hoping to get that dealt with once the auction company pays up in a few months time. In the meantime I have to deal with my depression staying with friends has helped a lot but come Thursday I will be going back to our house to pack up and leave it forever. The move back to london will mean a transfer to a new mental health team and a new gp. I just want this to end but it's probably going to take a year at least and I can't sell or let either properties without her consent on paper she's just ignoring all L letters. I found out on Saturday that she's been posting on fb that someone is stalking her and shes been getting death threats at work. What on earth is going on?
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 10, 2019, 06:04:39 AM
Today is my birthday I'm in agony still no word from my wife's L a friend says on fb she's moved out to another part of london but can't be sure as her social media posts keep being taken down by her. I've spent hours in here reading everyone's posts I think I would very much like a mentor. Still spinning out of control at times. I just want this to end.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 10, 2019, 06:23:18 AM
Can I say happy birthday, my friend? I'm sure it might not feel that happy but it is a moment to celebrate that you are still here and have survived some extreme stuff to get here.

My advice fwiw on the 'when will this end' feeling.
Pull your brain and energy and focus back as much as you can to today, tomorrow, the next week. Even the next hour if that is all you can do well. Forgive yourself for a pyjama one....bc you can start again with another hour or day if you fall over. Break life down into smaller and more immediate steps. Pat yourself on the back for a good hour or day or week.

Why? Bc that is probably all your traumatised brain can cope with right now. Bc that is where the  tangible stuff that makes a difference lives; Ursa Major calls it the principle of shooting the wolf closest to the sled. Bc that is where the small comforts of self care live. And bc above all the scary tigers and unknown threats of your imagination live out in the future tbd bit of the universe.

I don't know what 'end' means for you or when that will happen.
But I have learned from my own experience that a known now that I can control kicks the pants of an unknown tbd that I can't.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Whyus on September 10, 2019, 06:42:47 AM
Happy Birthday W,
your W sure is causing a Trail of distruction for you. im so sorry About that, I know the Feeling.
A couple of months before BD my XW was Posting pics of us on Instagram "the most loving husband and Father possible. I will love you forever and so blessed to have you by my side. Soulmates"

I didnt even have Insta at the time! Ive found out since that she was already with OM at the time  >:(. How are you supposed to make sence of this $h!te? You cant, that is the Problem for most of us. These MLCWs can be real Evil b!tc#es once the switch is turned off.
(https://media.giphy.com/media/xUA7aOYm7d6qchrPwY/giphy.gif)
Hang on in there and spoil yourself to something.
Cheers mate
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 10, 2019, 07:41:40 AM
Thank you. My w was posting on Feb just two weeks before BD about how happy she was and what a wonderful husband I was. I had a call from a friend to say that she was on FB with pics of her in her new flat, but she has taken them down, bizarrely its in the area that I told another friend that I had considered moving to. I think I meant that I just wanted the pain to end. I'm staying with friends this evening and will try not to voice my concerns for to much but I do seem to have just the one subject ATM. It seems as my w is just running away from reality and ignoring the D she wanted at the start of this and is leaving me to pick up the pieces I'm not sure that pushing her via my L is the right thing to do ATM she's not responding and it's just running up bills for me. I am selling up our assets to finance the flat so it would be best to live there in the interim period but I'm not sure if I can mentally stand it. I will try. On Thursday I have to return to Norwich to pack up everything in the house, it looks as though it will get repossessed in the future but as its in her name there is nothing I can do to prevent that. It needs her consent to either sell or let it and again she just ignores my L letters. I just ace to wait and see what happens as there is no way of predicting what will come next from my w but for now she is just running away.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 10, 2019, 08:32:29 AM
Oh my another East Anglian....you might have run into my xh and his owife lol  :)...but I have run back to suffolk now, much nicer.

On the legal front and ignoring stuff...what does your solicitor advise you to do? Bc it sounds as if your w's legal inaction....and that is very script bc in MLC land dealing with the old responsibilities is a lot less fun than partying on with the new and planning your next vacation or tattoo...is creating some real financial hardship and credit impact for you.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 10, 2019, 08:49:57 AM

Hi neighbour, my solicitor sent a letter on August 27 advising my w that if we didn't get disclosure in the next 14 days that they anticipated I would have to go to court, ATM that is kinda an empty threat as I don't have the funds to do so until around another four months, my w is off course not aware of that fact. I am in talks with the mortgage company and as I now have a diagnosis of clinical depression they have put me on to a special team so I will deal with as soon as possible. Both our credit ratings are now shot to pieces, hers more so than mine but she doesn't seem to care one iota about that. I have to just wait for her solicitor to respond but all I've had from them 3 months back was a one sentence letter saying "we are awaiting instruction". I have to thank you for pointing out that this seems to be normal abnormal behaviour for an MLC, still wrestling to get my head around the events of the last six months. My w has used and abused friends to pass messages on and has played several mind games with them also. Nobody can reconcile her now to the lady she used to be. Reading ss'sposts I live in hope she is still in there somewhere.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 10, 2019, 09:05:40 AM
Is your L advising you to go to court? As I remember - bc I had to threaten my xh with this for similar reasons and couldn't afford it either- the system seems to be designed to give the 'accused' a kick in the pants. (Which worked bc he REALLY didn't want to go to court and thought stuff would come out that would cause him to lose his job or schmoopie to lose hers...so he had to fold but he was angry as hell about it and described it as me 'winning'. In reality I won nothing much bc he had already stolen things I couldn't recover and trashed our/his finances  ::)...but it stopped me losing more if that makes sense?) There is a first court meeting which doesn't resolve much but allows a judge to look scary and then I think a three or four month gap built in.

You might want to ask your L if you can pay him/her in instalments or linked to stages in the court process and if he/she can explain how the court timeline works to you. I'm belabouring the point a bit bc I think your depression makes it really hard to care much about some of this financial stuff now but it may have a big impact on what life looks like in a couple of years. And although the house is in your w's name, as it was bought while you were married I would presume it is seen as a marital asset...your choice may depend if there is any equity in it of course.

Do you have any friends who you would trust to help you work through some of the financjial pros and cons of different choices? Bc I'm a bit concerned that you might be shrugging your shoulders when you should be fighting for what is your legal entitlement. MLC trumps divorce but a roof over your head helps.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 10, 2019, 10:05:07 AM
Thank you I have put a marital order on the house so I will need to take advice on wether I can let it out or put it on the market without her consent for the interim period as I have no means of paying for it or making up the last three months arrears. The mortgage company will not even talk to me about as the mortgage is her name only. Same with the flat in london but that is in both our names. I place no credence in what she posts on social media and the picture of her in her new flat has now disappeared so not sure if thats true. It does look as though she has now run away from all responsibilities so I will take legal advice on what actions to take next. I am standing for her but she does seem to be drowning and willing to pull me down with her. I will try to save as much equity (there is a lot in both property's) and will try to hang on to both properties in the hope she wakes up. Maybe they will let me rent out the house in order to pay the mortgage for now, as she has abandoned them and all financial support.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 11, 2019, 01:18:44 AM
IT does looks as if i will have to go to court to get disclosure from my w hopefully the initial hearing will be enough to get things moving. I'm still in shock that she has moved out of our flat into what looks like a very expensive rental property. I will for now just have to go along with whatever the solicitor advises. In the meantime I really need some help with my mental health but in Norfolk the care is lacking maybe I will get better treatment in london if I can move back into the flat in October. If she has moved out she certainly has not been forthcoming with the keys to the flat so that will be more money wasted on a locksmith to gain entry, it's as if she wants revenge but for what I have no idea? Maybe her solicitor will respond today.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 11, 2019, 03:20:43 AM
You almost certainly don't want to do it, but you probably need to be quite aggressive legally now. Make a factual list of the things you believe your w has done that threaten your legal or financial security e.g. stopped paying the house mortgage, refused to sign paperwork allowing you to sell either property, leaving the flat but taking the only set of keys. Just the facts. Then press your solicitor for more aggressive options to review that may include some kind of temporary lien on her salary for interim spousal support say given the reality of your health and current financial situation.

Your w will do whatever she will do. Right now she has - at best - no concern for you, the law or meeting her reasonable adult obligations. And yes, in her messed up mind, she may be full of spite towards you....which is not about you but her...more likely she currently sees you as an irritating barrier to her new 'happy' where bills don't need to be paid and there are no consequences for ones actions.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Thunder on September 11, 2019, 04:48:08 AM
Hi Wilder,

My goodness you have a very high energy, destructive MLCer, don't you?   :o

I'm really sorry she is acting so horrible, but in her head you are somehow the big enemy.
It's awful when you get one with so much anger and rage, but best leave her alone.
Plus if she is drinking and doing drugs, she is self-destructing and all you can do is allow her to do it.  She may crash and ask for help, or she will just keep going until she can't anymore.  But that is not your problem, it is hers.  Don't enable her.

May I ask, if the home gets repossessed what does that mean for you?

I would say your 2 top priorities are your mental health and getting help with this financial mess.
I agree with Treasur, your lawyer needs to explain how to get more aggressive with all this financial stuff.
I would probably see if you can get some kind of maintenance from your W, as she abandoned you and is running up bills the are effecting you.  Maybe some how get it in writing that since she left any debt she has incurred since she is responsible for, or something to that effect.

Wilder, at this point there is no reason to think she will come out of this any time soon.  This crisis takes years, so plan accordingly.  Protect yourself and let her flap in the wind because it's the only thing you can do.  She may not want this divorce, or she does but just can't be bothered with it.   Don't necessarily think the stalling is because she is having second thoughts.

You can stand if you want, but that doesn't mean waiting around for her. 
Take good care of yourself.  I'm glad to hear you are eating again.  Sleeping seems to be a problem for most of us, but if you can't sleep just get rest.
If you feel anxious, get yourself outside and go for a nice long walk in the fresh air.  It does help.

I hope things get worked out for you.

{{Big Hug}}
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 11, 2019, 05:35:16 AM
Protecting yourself financially from her insanity is going to be a priority... Otherwise, you stand to loose a lot....

Treasur (being in the UK) has given you good advice on that front... it is long past time to haul out the big guns...
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 12, 2019, 11:44:01 PM
Got back to the country house to an email informing me that they the tax office have had an 'anonymous' report that I have assets and have been trading so they have stopped my basic universal credits allowance of £300 per month, I think this also means I now cannot apply for legal aid for a MAIM meeting. I have no money for food at the moment. I have to list all assets (already done on my e-form) and I am signed off work with my depression for the foreseeable future. I will call the mental health team this afternoon as this has spun me out quite a bit. I have sold £2700 of items to almost cover the solicitors fee of £3000 to date. The major majority of my stuff is under lock and key in a storage unit in her name and she's not paying the fees in order to get it all repossessed. I guess I am still in her thoughts but in a very bad way. I checked the costs of her new rented flat it's very expensive, and yet the mortgages remain unpaid for over 3 months now. I had an online store which was just a hobby business and she has closed that down now, again it was in her name and all monies went through her bank account. She still won't send me the keys to our co-owned London flat and I have had no response from her solicitor for nearly 4 months now concerning the divorce she has filed for with the court, I have returned the service uncontested 5 months back. She is making life as hard as possible for me whilst she is out on a rampant spending spree in her wonderful new life. I feel like I have a mountain to climb over the next few weeks but will try to surmount it one step it a time. Is this 'normal' MLC behaviour?
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 13, 2019, 12:22:29 AM
Yes. This is the Godzilla Monster version.... You know bloody well where the anonymous report came from....

You have 2 choices remaining - contest the report and the judgement  or roll over and cave in.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 13, 2019, 10:26:29 PM
On Monday I will contact a mediator and request a meeting asap to progress the divorce, there is off course still no response from her solicitor. A very astute and highly regarded friend rang last night to inform me that she is posting on FB that 'she's ready to deal with things now'. I place no credence on her social media posts, although he really rang to tell me his thoughts and how shocked he was by her complete physical change and how he felt that mentally there is something very bad going on in there, he has known us both for the last 27 years and did not recognise any of the old her whatsoever. I will appeal the universal credits decision but I do have assets both personal and marital so I do not think it will be overturned. Friends have offered financial help to get me through the next few months. On October 1st I will be returning to London I have no idea until then what I will find left of my belongings if any at all in our flat. The weekends are very bad for me at the moment as they seem to heighten the feeling of isolation in Norwich. I've read almost everything on here for days/weeks now and am starting to understand what is going on and putting together he pieces of the puzzle of the last six months. I still have depression to deal with but feel it is lifting in small measures and some days are far better and I don't seem to be in such a dark place as I was. I'm seeing my health team a lot at the start of the week and will discuss coming off the sleeping pills with them. They don't seem to be working anymore anyways. It will be 3 to 4 months before I can get a court date for disclosure so I will try to use that time more productively to work on myself as I have been wallowing in my despair for the last few months. Being here with other LBS' has been a great comfort and a source of strength, even when things don't sadly work out as some hoped the fact that some remain and talk to and help others is amazing, thank you all so much.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 15, 2019, 12:38:36 AM
Spending yesterday and will be today packing up things in the house, finding it very tough as there are still drawers full of her stuff, so many triggers, every item we had bought for the house in the last 2 years has memories of her attached. I had to do it stages as kept finding myself dizzy and shaking. I have no idea what I will find left for me when I return to our flat on October 1st. Seeing my GP tomorrow to discuss my medication going forward. I called a few friends last night and one spoke of her as having fire in her eyes at the start of the break-up and she said she was actually scared to be in the same room as her. Another who again had only met up with her the once again at the start of this expressed shock about how physically and personality wise she had changed. He didn't feel it was about me despite her anger directed towards me and his advice was to 'get on a plane and never look back'. He told me she had posted on FB that she was 'now ready to deal with things'. Maybe she means this horrendous divorce she has initiated. I will wait a couple of days to see if I hear from her solicitor before I contact the mediator. Friends have offered to support me financially with loans to get me through the next 4 months until the auction monies come through. I will be getting a food parcel from a church in the morning so at least I will be able to eat. So much to organise before I leave it's overwhelming me at the moment. I have to do so much paperwork for health assessments, solicitors letters, list all assets, mortgage statements, etc, by the 24th for the benefits office who stopped my payments as they have called me in for an emergency meeting. I have a mental health team worker calling on wednesday but they just seem to nod and say I'm going to be ok. I'm not ok.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 15, 2019, 12:54:11 AM
I am sorry, wilder. I remember that feeling of being so overwhelmed.
And yes, how things are is not ok and you don't feel ok. But you will be ok again eventually. Keep faith with that even if you don't feel it.
One of the things that tells me that is that the kind of loving support and encouragement you are getting from your friends tells me a huge amount about the kind of person you were/are and how much you matter to other people.

I'm not sure what your objective is with mediation. It is imho impossible and potentially damaging to try to mediate with the kind of nasty crazy that your w is right now. My solicitor was very clear with me about that and I went to see a mediator to get the piece of paper that said mediation was not possible. I honestly think that you need to press your solicitor to file some kind of emergency hearing for a temporary agreement bc your w is trashing your life and refusing to engage in the legal process while she does so. This means you get damaged more and she benefits from essentially ignoring the law...which courts tend to not like much. But please swallow the current reality that your w IS a nasty crazy train wreck that even others find scary and unrecognisable. That is who she is now. It may not always stay that way, but that is who she is now.

If it helps...bc I was never really able to emotionally reconcile the two versions of my h even if I could understand it intellectually...I started to tell myself that the h I knew and loved was essentially dead. That let me honour how I felt while dealing with his nasty crazy almost evil cousin through the divorce process. And it released me from the exhausting cycle of 'how could he do x or y' as his behaviour got much much worse.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 15, 2019, 01:55:30 AM
Thank you Treasur

I am really trying to detach emotionally and see her for what she is now, I know she is ill and that's what concerns me, I have now read just about every thread and link on here, I have googled bi-polar, early onset alzheimer, brain cancer, menopause, personality disorders, everything I could to try and make sense of this nightmare. At first I cherrypicked the reconciliation stories because they suited my desires, but I am now slowly coming to terms with the realities of my wife's sickness. I'm not sure if the depression articles fit her current condition, I have never seen her depressed ever.

The mediation meeting is on my solicitors advice and as you have said just to get a form-A to take to court to force disclosure, this could take a few months but at least it will get the ball rolling and provide a back-stop and hopefully give my wife some much needed thinking time. Although I don't think she is thinking anything about me and the divorce she wanted so badly on BD, and as you say she is ignoring and seemingly above the legal system.

Friends are very careful on what information they give to me concerning her as they know it triggers me and plays on my mind for days and nights afterwards. Other than OM (I think thats already a given btw) there's not much more she can throw at me and my/our friends are very protective and will not allow her to hurt me anymore than she already has.


I admitted to my brother last night that I was ill and he was very glad that I have now openly said it and recognised it and could now look at how to heal.

Im a little scared to be moving back to London but this house has become a prison and I have not left it for days on end due to my anxiety and agoraphobia (the very reason we bought a house here was to help me through this) and having stayed with friends in London last week I found myself walking through the westend happily on my own. so I now know it's where I really belong. Maybe it was this house that bought on my wife's MLC, she did shout on BD that I had abandoned her in London (3 nights a week) and she now didn't know who she was. I hope to get it sold in October but will need her consent as it's her name on the mortgage (unpaid for 4 months now). Maybe the price for me getting well again was to lose her.

I have no idea how she is living her life now as all of our friends are no longer in contact with her. I know she has rented a very expensive flat in an area where my old business was, maybe she feels safe there as we both had spent the last 27 years working weekends in my store there. Maybe it's part of her replay behaviour going back to our earlier party lifestyle there. I have no idea if she's still drinking heavily or smoking MJ, I do suspect she is but hope she is not.

It is mentally exhausting but I was given and utilising an excellent analogy on here "shoot the wolf closest to the sled,"  and that's exactly what I will endeavour to continue doing.

Massive Hugs to all.

Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 18, 2019, 03:22:16 AM
New levels of crazy reached today, I have spent most of the morning working on a plan with the mortgage company to keep the bailiffs at bay on our flat. It seems my wife had written to them asking them to repossess the property as soon as possible. They don't just do that of course. The chap at the end of the line commented how well he thought I was dealing with the situation under such difficult circumstances. If I can get back into the flat in October I don't think there will be much left there for me. My STBXW is trying to give away all the white goods (fridge freezer etc) on social media or else she has arranged for the council to come collect them. Senseless. Guess she hasn't calmed down yet. I will call the mediator in the morning to arrange an appointment asap. Both our credit ratings are now shot. In the meantime I have come off the sleeping pills as they weren't really working anyways, so I have some slight withdrawal symptoms. Been called in for emergency meetings to the universal credits team and the inland revenue on the 24th and the 25th due to the anonymous report on me. I have no real concerns about these meetings as the allegations are false. Living off food parcels from the food bank atm but friends are giving me a loan for the next 3 to 4 months to help out. I don't think this is going to end for me anytime soon.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 19, 2019, 12:59:22 AM
Could't sleep last night, so been reading a lot of the threads on here, in particular the threads on REPLAY as that's where I think my wife is at the moment. As a LBS I find it helps to have the knowledge and understanding that others post. I guess there are others many like me who have spent months reading the posts on here. It does help. In the meantime I have two weeks to pack up everything in the house and to face moving back to our co-owned flat on October 1st. My wife is in full monster at the moment so I don't expect there will be anything left in there at all. Still no sign of a set of keys or any response from her solicitor whatsoever. Today I will contact the mediators (friends have loaned me the money to do so), I have made a to do list for the next two weeks, which mostly involves paperwork and forms for the tax office, universal credits emergency meetings next week, sending medical reports to the mortgage company, council tax, turning on phone and wi-fi, contacting the storage facility to regain entry and payments, moving back to my old GP's and keeping my solicitor updated to the situation. This is her divorce but she is off living her new fantasy lifestyle and is leaving me to pick up all the pieces. I do feel overwhelmed at the moment and am having withdrawal symptoms from the sleeping pills but this all needs to be dealt with. I don't want to push the divorce or even want the divorce but she is intent on destroying my life and hers in the process in order to win (her words). She is still working as far as I know but has told friends in the recent past that she wants to throw in her job in order to avoid any financial settlement. Nobody knows where exactly she is living now or how she is living her new life without any responsibility for any debts or the past 27 years. Maybe she is depressed but no one is seeing it. I know she is angry at me. I wish we could have just talked but realise now from being here that it wasn't and for now that is not possible to have a rational conversation. Like others I have become obsessed with the stages of MLC and I guess like others I want it to end quickly and live in hope that it will. I know this is probably not the case as it is an extreme MLC but maybe she will burn out faster at her current rate. She is gone for now.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Droz on September 19, 2019, 03:07:28 AM
Mate I feel your pain and though everyone says you will get over it.  Everyday is like hell, and every moment I think of her and if she needs help.  My W is 2 months in, walked out in me and the 4 kids, hasn’t spoken, apart from saying she has not feelings for me.  Told the kids she spent 25 years raising them it is now her time, got married too young, lost career due to family, regrets her life with us, discontent with everything and suffers from ill health.   Her personality is totally different. I have no words of comfort all I have is pray that she will find herself, be part of our lives and that I do not fear the future.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: AlvinTheMaker on September 19, 2019, 03:48:54 AM
Attaching Wilderheart....

It's frightening to realize that we are on the same timeline (my BD was late Feb), but our situations are worlds apart (I'm with what seems to be a low-energy live-in wallower).

The best advice I can give is listen to vets and turn focus on you. You can't control her life or take responsibility of her actions.  But what you can control is your own head and your well-being: what you feel and think, how you act, how you behave, how you protect your financials etc etc.  Once you start working your life systematically, it will enhance. It will be babysteps one at a time, it will be frustratingly slow at the beginning,  it will feel ridiculous to work on something as simple as going out for a daily walk or listening some uplifting music or just faking a smile for 60 seconds a day.  But all of it, ALL OF IT will all enhance your now and future life regardless of what she does.   Trust me. I was a mental mess in April, now I'm (somewhat happily) taking charge of what my life is and will become.

What possibly matters most is that you are not alone. You seem to have great friends and support,  accept the help they provide.  You've got professional support, accept all the help they provide.  And you've got the LBS army....  Don't be afraid to share whatever is on your heart - once you start pulling your head together, the sun will start shining. 

Hugs / fistbump
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Thunder on September 19, 2019, 04:51:38 AM
Hi Wilder,

Man you have quite the Monster at the moment, I'm so sorry.

I would keep track of everything she is selling, as that is marital property.  Not only should she not be selling stuff, but if she does half the money she gets from them is yours.  So keep a list of items.

Also if she up and quits her job to avoid paying any kind of settlement, the courts will not look kindly on that.  Just like some men will quit their jobs, then claim the can't afford their child support.  Doesn't work, the courts just tells them to get other employment because they voluntarily quit their jobs, and they are still responsible for paying the child support.
They may just go by what she was making and expect her to get another job making equally same. 

This is all going to catch up with her eventually.

I wish you well, Wilder.  You sure don't deserve any of this.  I hope you get the legal help you need.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 19, 2019, 05:29:39 AM
Droz, Thunder and Alvin thank you so much for replying, I'm so very sorry we all have had to meet under these circumstances. It is a nightmarish scenario we collectively find ourselves in and it seems our first concerns are for our partners wellbeing and state of mind. It does seem we all have a long road to recovery in front of us, but it's heartening to know that none of us are walking it alone (or swimming up a river of s***, as our maid of honour put it). My heart goes out to all of you and please feel free to message me at anytime you feel the need to talk or vent. I have been to the darkest of places. This morning I feel that I've somewhat picked myself up and dusted myself, and got on with the much needed practicalities of our financial situation, booked a mediation asessment meeting for next week and contacted my solicitor and provided documentation and evidence. I know this afternoon all the hurt and pain will return, but will try to flex and exercise that mental muscle that feels so disabling at times. The knowledge and understanding of our situation that I have garnered from being here on this forum has been a tremendous help towards accepting the situation. I do still find it odd that so many seem to be following some kinda 'script' and our collective experiences are so similar in so many ways. Droz I also fear the future and I can't predict any of us will be OK, and our lives will never be the same, but as Alvin said we are not alone and we have to take this time to strengthen our resolves and have broad shoulders to carry the burdens, I don't know if my wife will ever come back, I pray she does, and if so I need to be strong and ready to take care of her, easier said then done of course at this moment in time. Together I feel we can somehow get through this and if one of us stumbles and falls, there are others to pick us up, thank you so much for all the messages and if there's anything I can do in way of return please do not hesitate to ask. We all are broken atm but we have memories, hopes and dreams and a love that is lost for now but can't ever be taken away from us. It hurts so much, at times unbearably so. I live in hope for us all.

Ellis Boy "Red" Redding: Hope is a dangerous thing my friend, it can kill a man...
Andy Dufresne: Hope is a good thing maybe even the best of things and good things never die.
The Shawshank Redemption - Stephen King
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 20, 2019, 08:19:44 AM
Been having a lot of doubts today about pushing the divorce forward, my wife has seemingly gone into hiding, still no word from her solicitor for 4 months now. She initially wanted the divorce settled in a week, on her terms of course. Its seven months now of No Contact. My thoughts are is she delaying the divorce because she's unsure that she wants it or is she delaying just to run up debts and prolong the process just to hurt me, or is she so deep into her replay fantasy world that it's just not even on her mind? I do have an assessment meeting with a financial whiz kid mediator booked for Thursday and if he agrees its the right step to take he will contact my W for her assessment meeting. If she declines or the mediator suggests its not the divorce route for us to take, he will give me a form A to book a court date for disclosure. I feel like its me doing all the work on a divorce I don't want. She was very brutal and quick on BD on March 1st to tell me 'I don't love you any more' and to just walk out of my life and for the next two weeks I was bombarded with texts and angry e-mails demanding a quickie divorce. She even texted 'I'm actually enraged' and 'don't firetruck with me on this' and even typed 'nonononono'. For some reason all my relatives got sent a photo of our marriage certificate. My solicitor had to threaten her with an harassment order if she continued, she denied that she had sent any e-mails other than two about business, I of course have kept a record of them all. She stopped immediately after that and that was the last contact I had with her, other than me signing the divorce papers and not contesting her ridiculous reasons but reserving the right to refute them in court. So why the delay now is it just  her gas lighting me, or does she want me to take the decision for her? The A-form is good for six months so I guess for now I will get that under my belt until I can afford the court costs in January. It's just that at the start she was so certain she wanted a divorce and is now just ignoring it completely which has got me thinking. Should I be the one driving it forward? I have most of the finances under control now for except the country house which is our marital home but the mortgage is in her name only. I will be leaving here for good in 10 days time and have consented to put it up for sale asap, again no response from her solicitor, she wants it to be repossessed so we will both each lose tens of thousands of pounds. I think she's lost her mind and taken mine with it.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on September 20, 2019, 09:15:00 AM
Ah, dear friend, time to take your mind back lol.

Try looking at it through this window.
It doesn't matter WHY she is doing/not doing x or y.
It does matter WHAT the effects are on you...

From the outside, it looks like those are seriously damaging to your future wellbeing in a number of different ways.
Only you can decide how much is too much to soak up for an uncertain outcome.

I get that you didn't/don't want a divorce.
I would guess that you also don't want to be homeless, bankrupt or hospitalised.
So it isn't about her choice or feelings now, it's about what you think you must do to quarantine yourself from further damage from her behaviour. And only you can make that call really.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 21, 2019, 12:24:07 AM
Thank you Treasur

I do now realise I have to protect myself. I spoke to another friend last night and she also thinks that maybe my W is starting to realise that her safety net (me that is) is slowly being pulled out from under her, and she can't have her cake and eat it. I will proceed with the divorce and the mediator because I do now understand that, whatever the future brings, we do have to separate our finances. Started moving stuff out of the house last night into my parents garage so it's kinda bare round here, but I will be kept busy with damage limitation meetings over the coming week. My W as far as I know has no idea of the hurt she is causing and yesterday closed her FB account which has been her main modus operandi of attack, i.e.; giving our stuff away and endless pics of her at parties, oh and a post about how 'she can't wait to get the properties repossessed'. I don't look at her FB account btw but friends had been keeping me posted to anything they considered important to know for legal reasons.

I've been paying close attention to SS' posts as I think my wife's current behaviour is similar to how she describes her MLC journey, that of being a fabulous star in her own movie and the casting and firing of any friends who dare question her actions. We now have only two mutual friends left who are still in touch with her but even they are now limiting any contact with her as they have both realised that something is going badly wrong in her mind.

I will remain No Contact for now, if she want's to talk the mediator will give her the perfect opportunity to do so, I will wait and see what happens over the next coming weeks / months.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on September 27, 2019, 12:05:33 AM
It's been quite a week, my universal credits payments have been reinstated, after that they confirmed it was my STBXW, who had contacted them and made false allegations that I had been using her credit card to withdraw money (not true) and I had assets to the value of £100, 000 (again way of the mark) and she claims I had taken everything on two trips to London with my brother in a small car at the start of this in March, from a 100 square foot packed floor to ceiling storage unit. I contacted the police about her false allegations but they have stated it's a civil matter for now. I've had to send them all my solicitors letters to explain the strange situation I have found myself in. She has been posting pics on FB of her boxing everything up, so how can she claim I took everything, goodness knows where it all is now, I don't expect her to disclose any of it or for me to ever see it again but at least I have her pics to prove it exists. According to FB my W had moved out of our flat to an unknown address then had a wobble and moved back again and a week later moved out again. Met with a mediator yesterday afternoon, he said he had alarms going off in his head and was concerned about me as I was clearly anxious, but I insisted he contact her solicitors and offer mediation as its far cheaper than going to court. I don't think she will respond as she has now completely gone to ground. I could have walked out of there with a court order to set a date but I think it's worth a shot before she does anymore financial damage. Finally got around to filing my tax return.

I'm heading back to London next week, and hope to gain entry to our flat but my solicitor has warned me that I could be opening myself up to all kinds of allegations if she is still there. I will have a police officer present, a locksmith and our best man and maid of honour will be with me for support and as witnesses. I have no idea what I will find there but I expect it will have been emptied out completely and the utilities to have been cut off. Last weekend in the Norwich house for me so a great deal of sadness here at the moment. I will be staying with friends for October whilst I work out the mess she's made of the flat, still not sure if I will be able to live there, both mentally and financially. I do seem to be the one picking up the pieces and dealing with the divorce she wants as she continues to live her new carefree party girl life without any responsibilitys whatsoever. She posted on FB that she 'has too much going on in her mind but is happier now'.

Putting on a brave front for now but still falling apart inside and fearful of the future, whatever that may hold. I think I will go back to painting and see if I can get an exhibition together.

Seven months since bomb drop now, this could be a very long trek and as with all LBS' I kinda hoped she would come to her senses quickly. Clearly not going to happen anytime soon.

Still nothing from her solicitor since June 7th and all that was to say 'we are awaiting instruction'.

Still deep in replay and extreme monster mode so maybe she's not as wonderfully happy inside as she says she is now.

I don't want to fight her but it feels like she's Donkey Kong throwing never-ending barrels down and I have to just keep jumping them as they come at me thick 'n' fast.

Except this is not a game, and there will be no winners in this just us two losers.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 04, 2019, 08:18:45 AM
Staying with friends in London at the moment, we did gain entry to our flat on the 2nd with a filed police report and a locksmith. It's currently uninhabitable most of the furniture was gone along with my paintings (one was left slashed in the hallway) and my shoes and clothes have gone missing. Finally got a solicitors letter from her on the second demanding a reply on the first!?! It seems the mortgage company has now caught up with her over the arrears and her situation is now "critical" even thought she had contacted them 4months back to inform them she wasn't going to pay them and wanted them to repossess the house and flat ASAP, she wants me to bail her out of her financial mess. Yesterday on the third she contacted the mediator and declined mediation. Still no response on disclosure from her.

So it looks like it will be a 3 to 4 month wait for a court hearing, again I'm having to do all the work on a divorce I never wanted. I will be spending the rest of this month making good all the damage she has done to our flat. It seems she is now renting a very expensive apartment in north london costing almost double what the two mortgages combined would be.

I'm trying to save everything but judging by the pile of unopened mail to her in the flat it looks as though she has several creditors and bailiffs chasing her. At the moment no one knows her new address so I will just have to forward them to her solicitor.

Friends and family are astounded when I speak of hoping she comes back but I do believe she is suffering a kind of mental illness and physically friends tell me she looks on the verge of collapsing any time soon. She has still yet to visit her estranged father who she says is now on the verge of death, I hope she sees him before he dies.

Still in pain but picked up some art materials this morning and hope to lose myself in painting this weekend, it's the best therapy for me.

She of course still hates and we remain no contact.

I miss her.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: serenity on October 05, 2019, 02:32:17 PM
Hello Wilderheart

So sorry you’re experiencing such a hard time. Sounds all very stressful and it’s appears you’re dealing with a high energy MLCer! I’m over 8 years into this and have to admit I’m over the worst years and the intense, raw pain!

Sorry that probably sounds an eternity to you but most of these crisis’ last a long time. A few seem to get through in a few years but they’re the minority! I feel those are more transitions rather than the full blown crisis!

Just look after yourself as best you can and protect your finances as much as you can. A lot of us here lost a lot of money due to our partners MLC!

Keep posting and asking questions as there’s always someone around to offer help and support

X
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Anjae on October 05, 2019, 03:25:00 PM
Friends and family are astounded when I speak of hoping she comes back but I do believe she is suffering a kind of mental illness and physically friends tell me she looks on the verge of collapsing any time soon.

As they should be. Why? Because her coming back does not mean you shouldn't protect yourself as best as you can.
´
You have no idea how long her crisis will last nor what more crazy things she will do.

She is surely having a mental breakdown, MLC can be considered that, but since there is no medical solution for it, you can't count on her crisis to help you in any way. As for her looking on the verge of collapsing any time soon. She may, she may not - Mr J looked on the verge of collapsing after BD, it has been 13 years and he is still in Replay.

Even if she collapses it does not mean it is the final MLC collapse nor that she will be back.

Do you want to gamble your life on her crisis?

All those years ago I was not able to do what I should have. It didn't turn out so well for me and it did not turn out so well for some others of us here.

At the time people were telling me Mr J issues would not last more than 6 months, than we would be back to normal. No such luck.

A lot of us here lost a lot of money due to our partners MLC!

We did. And in my case and a few others, our home and lifestyle. I can tell you it is not worthy it.

Enjoy you art materials.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 14, 2019, 01:11:54 AM
Thank you Serenity and Anjae, I've been super busy this last fortnight clearing up the devastation in our flat, she had torn the oven door off, smashed a sink up with a hammer, what paintings of mine she didn't take are slashed up, most of the furniture has gone along with some of my personal possessions like hats, shoes and clothes.

There was a pile of unopened bills addressed to her so I forwarded them on to her solicitor they would have arrived there on Thursday. Late in the day on Thursday I got an urgent solicitors letter stating that she had returned to the flat and was greatly distressed as she was intending to clean up ready for it to be placed on the market for sale on Friday also was now effectively homeless and my controlling behaviour had now made her bulimic and anorexic. it a also stated that there had been no correspondence relating to my return to the flat, the incompetence of her solicitor is phenomenal, this could have not been made clearer in August to which they never replied.                                               she has now refused mediation so I have the order to take her to court to disclose, heading back to Norwich to meet with my solicitor and get the ball rolling on that so at least it puts a timeframe on the divorce. I doubt she will even turn up in court.

I've stopped all friends from talking about her Facebook and Instagram posts as they still trigger me, it's all parties and wonderful new flat new me new life. Her mother has just recently been diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, it looks as though my STBXW is no longer talking to her.                          Is she so deep in the fog now that she's ostracised her family as well as all our old friends?                    Certainly the lies in her legal letters are coming thick and fast even contradicting herself in the same letter what on earth is her solicitor advising he's going to have to explain this train wreck in front of a judge in a few months time. I almost feel sorry for him.

In the meantime I'm still standing but trying not to stand still, staying with friends until the end of this he month, so I have time to make the flat habitable again. I have consented to the sale of its he house and in doing so have saved her from the balieffs as it would have had a default notice issued today.             


 Can't sleep at the moment scared to dream.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on October 14, 2019, 01:22:41 AM
Goodness gracious, Wilderheart...
Well yes, some of these folks unravel so much that they do nothing but lie, steal and blameshift. I suspect tbh that they lie to their own L's too; I know my xh did. All you can do is ensure that your L understands that this is how it is and follow his/her advice to protect yourself.

A thought...I get that seeing social media stuff is triggering so you wisely want to not look. However bc I think if I remember right there is evidence there that runs counter to some of her legal claims e.g. Being homeless, would it help to ask one good sensible trusted friend to monitor this on your behalf and only tell you things that may be legal or financial or physical threats to you while you are going through the divorce process? You may even want to seek advice from your L about this.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 14, 2019, 01:55:56 AM
Thank you Treasur, great advice I've messaged a friend who has said yes he will document all the social media posts and send me them when I need them for my solicitor. I spoke to a friend last night about the possibility of initiating contact with my wife and she very sensibly talked me down from the idea, as she considers it not the time for us to talk.  I just wanted to say to my wife cmon now I understand you want a divorce but let's be sensible and do it like adults. Mediation would have given us that opportunity so she's right we would not be able to talk just yet. My fear is that we may never talk again and I don't know how to end no contact and let her know the door is open for her.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on October 14, 2019, 02:13:50 AM
Dear chap...so glad your friend talked you down and that your other fiend can be your safety googles.

Every bit of factual evidence you have shared to date suggests that - for whatever reason - your w is not someone one could have a reasonable or rational conversation with. It would hurt you if you tried. It would perhaps damage you legally if you tried. And tbh mediation would have been structured mindf**kery...it is not designed for this level of dysfunctional behaviour and any agreement you made would have been as useless as all the prior agreements you tried to make. Better not.

I hope you have photographed and documented the damage to the flat too. Worth remembering that normal sane adults - even those divorcing or having affairs - don't rip oven doors off. Your w is a raging loose cannon sincd BD.

And the future? Well, that's unknown. It may be that there is never that filling in of the missing conversations. That was the case with my xh and part of my recovery was learning to make peace with it. At the same time, if she ever becomes more normal and adult, she will know you well enough to know that if she knocks on your door you will probably at least listen to what she has to say. But right now, my friend, based on her behaviour she wants to blow your metaphorical house up so the position of the door isn't much of a priority is it?

I know it's hard. I know it feels insane. I know you desperately want to at least stop the WTF hand grenades. But right now it is as it is so all you can do to survive long enough to get off the battlefield and see what happens further down the line. You may find it helpful to think of her as you would think about a serious addict and behave accordingly....you can't talk sense with an addict either. But truly, we all know how hard it is and some of us here have dealt with rampaging MLCers like your wife. And survived  :)

PS I know you have struggled with depression pre- BD and then feel you went into a bit of a mental health splat immediately post-BD. Worth reminding yourself that one of the things that goes with that, as I found with my own PTSD, is that our brains spew out quite a lot of self-doubt and can skew reality a bit for a while. So some of how you feel is about recovering your own trust in your ability to see the wood for the trees...normal and it gets much much easier.  :)
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 16, 2019, 09:26:49 AM
Just got off the phone from my solicitor to discuss financial remedy proceedings only to be told my wife's divorce petition has been declined by the court due to insufficient grounds for divorce. She would have been aware of this months back. Feels like I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone. If my wife falls in the woods does anybody hear her?
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on October 16, 2019, 09:37:36 AM
Ha ha...not if we all do the three monkeys thing  ;)

That sounds unusual in the UK...do you know what grounds she used?
What does your solicitor advise you to do now, wilder, given all the crazy stuff and financial stuff?
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 16, 2019, 09:43:17 AM
We are going to have to request she comes up with five other reasons and resubmit the petition. Watch this space heavens knows what she will come up with this time around.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on October 16, 2019, 09:45:37 AM
Is there any advantage to you filing given the financial stuff, wilder? So at least you control the process a bit more?
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 17, 2019, 06:25:50 AM
Waiting on a reply from my solicitor but it seems that there are no benefits to me petitioning the divorce as it would mean restarting the process it would be better if my wife just refiled with more reasonable unreasonable grounds if that makes sense. It is disturbing and odd that she would have been made aware of this weeks ago and has yet again done nothing. I’ve kept busy today arranging valuations on the flat again she should have done this weeks ago but as usual ignored the process I guess she just can’t be bothered so I’m still doing all the work on a divorce I never asked for.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Thunder on October 17, 2019, 06:31:15 AM
Wilder,

I'm sorry to hear this.  I believe they either can't be bothered, or they want us to do all the dirty work for them.

I refused to do it.

I'm not caught up on your thread, so you may need to, to protect yourself financially.
I'll go back a ways and read.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Thunder on October 17, 2019, 06:38:32 AM
Sorry Wilder, now I remember the situation.

You are doing the divorce work to stop the bleeding.  You are doing the right thing to protect yourself.  Very understandable.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 17, 2019, 06:39:29 AM
With her off-the-wall behaviour, you might have a better chance of getting it through on "unreasonable behaviour" that she will... I mean, seriously, with the stuff that she's posted and her actions to date?

That one is definitely 2 clowns short of a circus.....
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 19, 2019, 04:49:18 PM
Ok so it's late Saturday night and don't mind admitting I've had a really bad day today despite great friends taking me to see 8 cute as buttons Frenchie  puppies this morning and probably catching my favourite movie of 2019 this afternoon (it's from Korea and called parasite btw). The whole day's been tinged with sadness and missing her as the old her would've loved the day.  I heard from a friend she's living in a sort of commune in a school house, but has been complaing about the all night parties and the run down state of the place, the friend says he has thinks she's floundering in the wind and finds it all very sad. I did suggest if he spoke to her to let her know I'm willing to listen to her, he said he would think about it. I know I know it's a bad idea and goes against all the good advice from friends and on this forum, I'm just afraid that if I don't somehow let her know we will never speak ever again. I don't know what I hope to achieve from a conversation but something is niggling about why she hasn't reviled the divorce papers yet and part of me hopes she is having doubts. It's been 7 months now since we spoke and the pain is subsiding but not the loneliness. I have to keep reading and reminding myself of the timeframes and stages and yes like a lot of us on here I'm obsessed by where my wife is at. My solicitor has sent her solicitor a letter which questions all of her crazy claims that I'm financially controlling, have caused her bulimia and anorexia, and have made her effectively homeless.  It also asks where are my personal possessions and points out that her inconsistent responses are frustrating the divorce process and it looks as she is liking about what action the mortgage lenders will be taking. I've been in touch with them constantly and they have now asked to see our solicitor letters to see what she has been claiming as her allegations are false. Also I had an estate agent over yesterday to value the flat for disclose and he mentioned he was there in May and had met my wife, and the valuation he gave her would be the same so I suggested he just send that over to me. He had valued the place at £200,000 yet she had claimed it had been valued at just £180,000. She is just running away and as a trusted lady friend said last night "mate whatever's going on in her mind the simple fact is she just don't love you anymore" so painful to hear but also probably so true.

Hugs to all here we don't deserve this.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 19, 2019, 04:54:06 PM
The friends have reserved a puppie from today btw, and I'm heading to battersea dogs home next week in order to register for a rescue dog.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: forthetrees on October 19, 2019, 05:14:21 PM
Oh my. A book that helped me immensely was When Someone You love has a Mental Illness by Rebecca Woolis. It saved me from being drowned by a drowning spouse. Please consider it- it´s way cheaper than therapy and will allow you to return to a centered place.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 20, 2019, 06:56:27 AM
Thank you forthetrees

I will look into the book, my immediate dilemma is how to initiate contact with my wife or at least to let her know I'm here for her if she wants to talk. I know that's it's probably not the time but I want her to know if and when she's ready that I have not abandoned her. Friends and mentors in here have said it's not the time right now and that's fine for now. Still trying to get my act together for both me and her if that time should ever come. I hope one day it does.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: forthetrees on October 20, 2019, 07:06:24 AM
From my experience, I would counsel that you not reach out. She will know how to find/contact you if she desires. Your growth will come from letting go of the urge to contact her, make it better, reach her etc. Your energies are better spent on your own self-care. Not contacting her does NOT mean that you don´t care about her. There is nothing to be gained by reaching out to her while she´s in major spin mode. I repeat, your growth will come from letting go of the urge to contact her, make it better, reach her etc.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Shockandawe on October 20, 2019, 09:53:13 PM
Hello Wilder

What a one woman train wreck!
My h is in MLC and it’s been almost 18months since he left, skipping off into his new shiny, perfect, fantasy land life. He hasn’t been as destructive and vindictive as your w but he’s spending like it’s going out of fashion. I had the hardest time wrestling with the urge to contact him, For The Trees is right about growing through fighting the urge until it becomes less painful and important. I don’t contact my h unless A. It’s life or death. B. It’s so urgent it cannot wait.
It does affect me less and less and only time can get you to this so use that time on the only thing that matters for now and that is you.
Let her exhaust herself in the maelstrom that is her life whilst you save your energy for your own healing. It’s like the tortoise and the hare, keep plodding along and leave her to it. If she does want to contact you I’m sure she will.
May God bless you
Shockandawe
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 21, 2019, 02:59:57 AM
Wilder,

I want you to go into your kitchen, turn on the Hob, wait for a few minutes, then put your hand on it... What? You think that is a bad idea? Because you'll get burned?

Yep.... Just the same way as if you contact your mid-lifer....

If she feels the need to contact you, she knows where you are or at least how to get in touch with you, have no fear. At the moment, trying to have a rational, "normal," adult conversation with her is going to be like trying to change the course of a tornado by standing outside in front of it, yelling at it and waving your arms... and the result will be about the same...

Looking back a few posts ago, wasn't your Mid-Lifer supposed to be living in an upscale way too expensive house/apartment or something? Now it is a commune in an old school house that has turned into an "Animal House"- like Frat house? Did she move? That DOES kind of reflect where her mind is at the moment...

Get your happy rear end into your tornado shelter, get your solicitor the information he needs ASAP, take care of YOUR health and YOUR future security (like a place to live, etc.)  first.... Put on YOUR oxygen mask first and THEN help others, i. e. your Mid-Lifer IF SHE ASKS.

Your "friend" is absolutely correct in NOT passing on your message. He certainly does NOT want to get into a 3-way $#!t-storm.

Most importantly though, YOU need to break the "wash-rinse-spin-repeat" cycle and let your Mid-Lifer get on with her crisis.  That is the only way that you can heal and detach yourself form the emotional Rollercoaster that your Mid-Lifer is currently enjoying....

UM
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 21, 2019, 03:09:22 AM
Thank you I think I experienced a blip over the weekend and just really wanted to talk to her but now in the light of a rainy Monday morning I completely understand that now is not the time and yes you're so right if she wanted to talk then it would have to come from her. I think we will now never talk again, and maybe that's for the best. My solicitor has sent a long letter asking her to substantiate all of her medical claims and pointing out her inconsistent approach to the divorce and how it is frustrating proceedings. I expect either a knee jerk reaction from her either today or tomorrow or else nothing at all for weeks to come. I'm still not sure why the judge had refused the grounds for divorce and why she has not amended the petition, so at the moment there is no divorce. Part of me thinks maybe she doesn't know what she wants. I need to move on and have had to look back over the events of the last 7 months just to remind myself just how malignant she has been, even the cleaner at the house I'm staying declared her evil this morning.  Practising detachment and I will get there. Hopefully her anger will abate and she has some clarity towards what she wants and needs to be done. I feel she needs to keep throwing punches at me out of fear because once I'm gone she will realise I was not the cause of whatever is wrong within her mind. I am a fixer always have been but for now I have to fix myself and friends have said the old me is coming back and that does make me feel good. I just wish she could see it.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 21, 2019, 03:17:44 AM
Hi UM,  initially she made out to the two remaining mutual friends (TBH neither of them want anymore to do with her) that her new apartment was a step up, but one friend did some detective work and has said it looks like one of those paid student squats. my STBXW had posted on FB that she was now unhappy there, the washing machine wasn't working,she can hear electric guitars all night etc etc. my wife is 46 and has always been a bit of a snob as far as accommodation goes, even oh holidays with groups of friends we always had to stay in a better hotel then them, and I could never talk her into coming camping with me or to festivals. Looks like she has moved in with a bunch of youths and is/was trying to keep up with them.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 26, 2019, 06:48:02 AM
Abnormal service was resumed again yesterday as I have received another letter from her solicitor this time stating that she is now mentally ill and has medical proof from her counsellor that it's my financially controlling behaviour that is the cause. She also wants to take a lie detector test to prove her in innocence in the anonymous report to the DWP. She now claims that she's not been able to fill in any forms concerning her divorce as it brings about suppresed memories and I forced her into buying a second home. Her lawyer also now claims he's not been receiving any legal letters from my solicitor and it was me who turned down mediation he's also claiming I have been controlling as I had contacted the mortgage lenders  and have made an arrangement with them after my wife had written to them asking them to repossess as soon as possible. She also claims not to have my clothes and then later in the same letter says she will return them after negotiations. Back into the twilight zone yet again it is for me then. Next Friday it looks as though I have to put the court order in for financial remedy proceedings which will take place in around four months time.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 29, 2019, 08:29:55 AM
Give that and all other letters to YOUR lawyer. Let them deal with the crazy. That is why you are paying them.

She's mentally ill alright but to lay it on your doorstep is such a long stretch that no one in the medical profession will EVER go for that. As for the lie detector test, let her go for it. you have the evidence that it was, in fact, her that filed the "anonymous" report so ...
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 29, 2019, 10:27:18 AM
Hi UM, all of the stuff in my last post are actually in a letter from her solicitor, he has also lied or at least not checked my solicitors letter dated August 27th detailing my moving back into the vacant london flat and my repeated request for keys to our co-owned property. He claims not to have received the email, spoke to my solicitor yesterday and they have an opened and read receipt on the email so he's either very incompetent or just a liar. My wife also talks in her solicitors letter about how she is increasingly scared of me. Honestly I'm the most gentle man you could ever wish to meet and as I may have mentioned in earlier posts friends and family have always kinda joked about how much I doted on her and adorded her. Friends have now all offered statements and character references in case she pursues this terrible notion that she's a victim of domestic abuse in this terrible mess. I spoke to my solicitor about this yesterday and she is not concerned as my wife would have to file a police report but it does greatly concern me, and why on earth is she doing this?

 Her solicitor also claims I have refused mediation when it was me who applied for mediation and attended an initial assessment meeting and when my wife was invited to do the same she filled in a form and declined to attend, just bizarre behaviour from her and her solicitor alike.

She also claims in her last legal letter that I have now caused her to have two eating disorders since we broke up. She also claims the only reason she had tried to give away the fridge freezer on social media was so she could make room to decorate the flat. She again claims in the same letter only to have taken a couple of items from the flat...she took everything bar two cups and a spoon, oh and the kettle. She did try to return on the 10th of this month, probably to retrieve them and that's when I got an urgent letter from her solicitor to tell my I have effectively made her homeless, despite his letter on the 2nd informing me that she had moved into temporary accommodation in london and also in the same letter that she had moved into her mothers house in Colchester

Spent today in the flat alone for the first time it's still not habitable so I'm staying with friends for another month or maybe even into the new year as it's going to take awhile and a lot of money to repair everything she destroyed in there.

I'm slowly doing much better at working on myself and rebuilding my life, it looks as though I may be able to open a pop-up store with a bar at the back in Covent Garden in the run up to Christmas. Again this is all down to a wonderful network of friends helping me out. I really did lose myself in the last 4-5 years since our old store in Camden closed down and I relied solely on my wife for company.

Still standing for her, but I fear she has spun her lies to her family who would understandably believe her and support her of course, so I don't think there's ever away for us to reconcile without her admitting she has been lying  to them. Unless she pins it all on her mental illness claims. She's told so many untruths now that it seems she and her solicitor can't keep up with them and that bucket is truly starting to leak.

Hopefully the house in Norwich will be sold before Christmas and the monies can be held by a third party solicitor until the divorce has been settled.

By the way there is no divorce ATM as a judge ruled that her grounds for divorce are not reason enough and has declined  the petition. Still no word from her or her solicitor on a new petition, again just bizarre, as they both would have know this weeks if not months back.

My move back to london has certainly improved both my physical and mental health, I've now dropped 4 stone in weight and look 10 years younger. I still get the odd anxiety attack but my agoraphobia seems to have gone for now and I'm back to socialising and going out as much as possible. Oh and the DWP have written to me to inform me that the have been underpaying me since June by almost half so they will be back paying all monies owed into my bank account next month. I'm still medicated for depression but being amongst friends again, and I include people in here in that equation, has really lifted my spirits. Still smoking way to many cigarettes mind.

I still miss her terribly and I think I always will, I'm not sure if we will ever speak ever again but I live in hope that someday we will be able to do so.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on October 30, 2019, 07:06:31 AM
Wilder,

IIRC, you have copies of her FB posts and such from friends saying how she was going to ruin you and everything else. THAT stuff should be in the custody of your solicitor in order for them to really have a nuclear weapon to go against the spin doctor your W seems to have hired. In addition (although it is their business) your solicitor may choose to open a complaint against hers for malpractice if they have the receipt that their e-mail were opened and read.

If you have photos of the flat, in the shape it is when you got there, give copies to your solicitor. For every bogus claim W makes where you can prove otherwise, make SURE that your solicitor has the information they need to debunk the claims e. g., that she didn't take anything or that she left the flat in a livable condition. At some point, either her solicitor or a judge or a mediator is going to get tired of the BS claims that are shown to be lies and she is going to get confronted with her actions and have to face the consequences of them.

I am glad that you are doing better and in a better mental state. That is good for you.

The idea of a Pop-Up store sounds like an entry back into the working world which will also be good for you and your own self-esteem - you know, getting your feet back under you again.

"We can't control everything that happens to us but we can control how we choose to react or respond to them. THAT is the way we master the changes rather than allowing them to master us."
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Standing Strong on October 30, 2019, 08:03:04 AM
WH,

What is "4 stone in weight"? That made me giggle  :P

W sounds like she's fallen fast. I hope she can bottom equally fast.

Very glad you're doing better.

-SS
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on October 30, 2019, 12:10:58 PM
Thank you

4 stone is 56 pounds in weight

Partially due to the breakup diet and much less alcohol intake
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on November 01, 2019, 10:14:07 AM
Solicitors letter went out this morning, couldn't be more to the point and business like but it has questioned her solicitors lies about not receiving emails as we have provided proof af both sending and opening of the emails along with times. Got a message back to say her solicitor is now on annual leave and someone else will be dealing with the divorce so hopefully an adult will review all of his work and note the inconsistencies in his correspondences, or maybe they will just ignore it until he gets back. Seriously considering reporting him to the SRA as he seems to be leading my STBXW into claiming mental illness problems and financial and domestic abuse from me. I've given full consent to sell the house months back and yet he still alledges that I have refused to do so, so again hopefully another solicitor or partner in his firm reviews the files and just goes what on earth has been going on here? Still no update on disclosure from her or as to the whereabouts of my possessions but I do expect she has got drunk and destroyed or disposed of everything. According to her FB page she's drinking a bottle of spirits every night, goodness knows how she's managing to go to work everyday, again her solicitor has mentioned she's struggling to hold down her job. In fact all of her current problems, the dual eating disorders, her mental health, etc are all my fault according to her solicitor, even though we have been no contact since BD on March 1st. She's now blocked the last two mutual friends on Facebook btw. Her last solicitors letter mentioned three times how she is now scared of me and has been struggling with suppresed memories so it's not hard to work out what new allegations will be coming my way soon.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Disillusioned on November 01, 2019, 11:13:34 AM
Wilder -

Sounds like she found a solicitor just like her, unfortunately.  We say broken attracts broken, correct?  They probably sat around validating each other, to your detriment.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of this on top of the pain of D.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on November 01, 2019, 04:52:03 PM
Disillusioned

He does seem to be leading her up an untrue and dangerous and possibly illegal narrative path.

I've just read your post from back in August and my wife had said very similar things, one of her reasons on the divorce petition was that I played on the PS4 (that she had bought me for xmas) whilst she was in the room and made her feel unloved. She had previously insisted that I didn't play on it without her being there.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on November 04, 2019, 12:19:40 PM
Tonight and today has for no good reason really got me down and I have started self harming again I have never done this in the past prior to BD
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on November 08, 2019, 04:53:06 AM
Not journaled for awhile, still no further down the line with divorce proceedings hopefully I will receive a response to all my solicitors questions next week. Things have gone very quiet so in the meantime I'm working on the flat and hanging out with friends this weekend. Would love to report that the hurts all gone but sorry I'm afraid that it's just not the case, still more bad days then good but at least now there is the odd good day. I'm still harbouring the fantasy that she will 'wakeup' if that's the correct terminology, but it doesn't feel like that could be anytime soon if ever, so it remains just a fantasy. Still no contact from her even to our and her oldest friends. Nobody knows exactly where she is or how she is living her life nowadays.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Shockandawe on November 08, 2019, 08:40:04 AM
Trust in the process Wild.
I’m 18 months in from BD and, although it’s still early on in MLC I feel so much stronger and I feel better about me.
It’s a journey for both Mlcer and lbs. we start at rock bottom and crawl and drag ourselves up whereas the mlcer sets off like a rocket but, we get stronger and get on with it the mlcer seems to just keep running around in circles living in a fantasy, desperately trying to run away from us and their unhappiness.
Given time, we are no longer in the pit of doom or rock bottom but our mlcers are heading for their rock bottom and I pity them because we all remember those dark nightmare days and I wouldn’t wish those on anybody.
Keep going forward Wilderheart you have the lbs army behind you.

God bless you
Shock and awe
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on November 08, 2019, 11:12:38 AM
Thank you Shock and awe.

Sometimes just being on here with people who understand the process and what it does to us shell shocked LBS' is enough to raise the spririts. I can't really talk openly with friends and family anymore as they seem to just  think I'm just making excuses for her behaviour. There's days when even I stop to think maybe she is just a walk away wife but then I get thrown another random curve ball from her via a solicitors letter which brings her right back into the MLCer script book. I do need to trust. I'm so glad and grateful to be here and so sorry that we are all having to endure these trying times.

God bless you and thank you so much.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on November 08, 2019, 12:03:57 PM
Please don't doubt your own judgment, wilder, that what seems like insane WTF behaviour is exactly that. It will save your sanity if you do. You can't change it and staying as far away from it as you can is wise. But if it quacks like a WTF duck, it's a duck...
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on December 23, 2019, 04:40:25 PM
Hi all, not journaled for awhile now but still checking in on others journeys regularly and trying to keep myself grounded, still staying with friends whilst fixing up the london flat and hoping to move in early next year.

Her divorce has been now amended and sent straight to court without being sent to my solicitor for comments before hand unfortunately she has now stated that two weeks before BD that I strangled her until she was unconscious and left bruises on her neck and gave her concussion, this never happened and there never was any form of violence in the 27 years we spent together, this came as a total shock to me and everyone else, she has now completely ostracised all friends and it seems she no longer talks to any of her family except her sister.

I now have to decide wether to defend the divorce or let it go ahead but strongly refute her claims, she also states on the new divorce papers that it is me that has caused her current anorexia/bulimia and has a letter from her therapist to prove so. Friends who did see her just after the break-up have all provided statements to refute her claims and the two who remained on FB checked and she has deleted all photographs from December 2018 through to May 2019 and now they also have been blocked.

I went to lunch with her oldest friend last week and she now has nothing more to do with her as she was told by my STBXW wife "that she is no longer her type of person and she didn't know why they were ever friends in the first place" They had been friends for 30 years. She told me she doesn't know or like the person my STBXW is now. Staying with friends for Xmas (best man and maid of honour at our wedding) for a waifs and strays Christmas and actually kinda looking forward to it.

Still have mostly down days but do feel I'm getting my feet slowly back under me and do have some commentary work on film releases coming up next year so tons of research and getting back to what I loved doing. Things that I struggled to enjoy since BD like movies and painting are now coming back to me. Friends have been amazing. My solicitors letters remain unanswered and her solicitor even claimed he had not been receiving them until he was sent the opened and read files from my solicitor to prove that he had definetly received and read them. Still no disclosure from her and still no response to the repeated request as to where are all my clothes and shoes and personal possessions. Just bizarre, but oddly it feels like I have come to accept and even understand from being here the strangeness and surrealism of the situation.

Still not sleeping through the night but that's OK as there is a ten week old puppy (a Frenchy) in the house to keep me company and so much love from friends so I'm never really lonely but still would love to just talk to her and to help her get the help she seemingly needs, we have been no contact for 10 months now and I still miss my friend.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on December 24, 2019, 01:43:21 AM
I am sorry to hear that your w is getting worse but pleased to hear that you are doing better, Wilder.

Yup, you could not make this stuff up could you?
The only gift of such crazy behaviour is that others see it and it is so obviously not about you.

It seems as if you have three issues; the divorce, finances/possessions and your w's false allegations. I have no idea what your legal options are and I hope you are getting good advice from your solicitor. My instinct is to stay close to the truth and defend myself from such horrific lies, but your solicitor will be able to guide you best on what is possible and what is constructive. I have no idea if one can insists on a psychological evaluation as part of a high conflict divorce process for instance or if you should countersue your wife for her false allegations. But it may be that you need to take a more legally aggressive route to protect yourself and your L will be able to advise you best. My sense though is that separating yourself legally and financially from her as soon as you can may be necessary bc your w sounds quite mentally unwell and on a very destructive spiral. I am so sorry.

And of course underpinning all that are your own emotions about it all, especially hard perhaps at this time of year. I am glad you have support from friends and the little dog too  :)
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on December 24, 2019, 01:44:27 AM
Treasur and I are tag-team posting at the moment...

I'm thinking a counter-claim of slander/liable as well as theft might be in order... The claims she is making are VERY serious and possibly criminal so just shrugging them off its probably NOT in your best interests... In addition, in the position of your solicitor, I'd be looking into a complaint of malfeasance to the bar against her solicitor....

Regardless, I'm glad that your friends are stepping up on your side and that they are providing support for you...
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on December 31, 2019, 03:47:26 AM
Thank you all for the support, hope you all had a good break from MLC'ers over the holidays I certainly did but tomorrow's a new start as we rotate the sun yet again and I guess I will be getting no response to my solicitors questions to hers in a hurry.

As for the outrageous lies she is now telling to the courts I will take my solicitors advice on how to proceed forward and defend myself, from my understanding you cannot liable someone just in court papers.

Spent Christmas Day with friends including a film director a turner prize winner, a fashion photographer, a political activist, a film producer and two special effects artists so couldn't have felt more blessed and in better company, still it was our first Christmas apart and still tinged with sadness for me.

I think she was at her mothers and late on Christmas Day an old friends ex girlfriend started sending me photos of us as a couple from a wedding we attended in Italy a few years. I know my STBXW and the girl in question had been talking on Facebook but this was the first time she had contacted me in years so I'm not sure if my STBXW had put her up to it or not. Just another of those bizarre moments. I thanked her for the photographs and she said sorry!?!

Back to work on the flat today spent last night there alone for the first time since the breakup last March 1st couldn't sleep so back with friends for now. Still dealing with the mortgage company and had consented to sell the Norwich house but my STBXW pulled from the market as my solicitor stated that my matrimonial home order would not be lifted until the point of sale and a holding survaynece solicitor would freeze the equity until financial settlement in order to protect my interest in the property. Her solicitor would not respond to this agreement despite repeated requests, so it looks as though the bank will repossess the property at some point.

It has been a welcome break to get off the crazy train for awhile over the holidays but I dread to think what on earth will be coming next in the new year.
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on February 28, 2020, 04:45:30 AM
Today is an anniversary of sorts it's her birthday and the eve of BD really should change my header to one year in now. Nothing much to post really we remain no contact her divorce has stalled yet again due to her failure to fully disclose on form e so the crazy train just keeps rolling along. Myself I'm regaining my confidence and still standing and trusting in the process but remains detached. The only real news is from two friends  on social media that she seems to now be depressed at times but mostly still deep in replay still partying and drinking heavily. She posted on FB a few months back that she thought her new life would be wonderful but feels isolated and lonely, it wasn't up there for long though. She has now joined some dating sites. My solicitor has asked hers a lot of questions as the lies and accusations were piling up without any supporting evidence, so the next few weeks will be telling. Even if we ever talk again or not we now have to divorce in order for me to protect my future, she is running up debts still and balieffs are now pursuing her, her life is now financially in ruin for the next few years at least. I'm still dealing with the combined expenses and have agreements set up to pay of the arrears caused by her running. I still hope we can one day talk and work together to put things right.
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on February 28, 2020, 05:38:09 AM
One step at a time.

You are sounding MUCH better than you were, even before Christmas

Good to let the attorney deal with the crazy as well as putting HER attorney on notice that, if she is going to make accusations, she needs to back them up with proof.  Also sounds as if life isn't as glorious as she expected it to be in Schmoopieland... Consequences...
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on February 28, 2020, 07:39:08 AM
Thank you, it is that gift of time that I never really wanted to grasp or hear about at that start of this, like most others I honestly believed that no we were different we had something special this will be over in weeks/months not years, who can stand for years, this can't be right, but now a year in and with the help of lbs' and posting here ok I finally got it at last.

Still working on myself, still taking help when I most need it, but starting to be ok with living alone, still got the option and keys to friends houses if it gets to bad, but kinda needing it less and less. I do still read everything on here and as the time goes by I've understood more and more and appreciated how it does apply to my situation and others in here.

Still being thrown the odd curveball but can now see them for what they are mostly misguided attempts from her via third parties to get my attention one way or another, water off a ducks back these days.

Love has been put aside for now whilst the practicalities re to be taken care of but I know it's still in me in my heart for her and always will be but its doesn't ache and hurt as it did at the start a year ago, again words I was told in here but didn't want to believe applied to us.

I do now trust in the process and live in hope but not on hope alone.
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on February 28, 2020, 07:49:26 AM
My goodness, Wilder, you have made real progress. You must have worked really hard and dug deep to get to where you are now, but you sound so different than you did just a few months ago  :)
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on March 03, 2020, 03:21:03 AM

Still have bad days but much less often and am able to say “ok your having a bad day” and just try to own the day and hope for a better me tomorrow.

I know very little about where my wife is in the tunnel as I no longer ask friends for information and  most of them are no longer in contact with her anyways.

She had filled in the financial disclosure for the court but it’s a mess and missing pensions savings and marital assets and no mention of my personal items whatsoever . It does however show the large expenditure on luxury goods and going out. My solicitor has set a 14 day deadline to allow her to correct the form.

I’ve managed to sell enough pieces in auctions to cover the mortgage arrears on the flat but the house may well be repossessed by the bank, my wife pulled it from the market as she and her solicitor would not consent to funds being held pending financial settlement. In other words they tried to pull a fast one over the court.

I contacted the mediator that apparently I had declined and he confirmed that he had never contacted me or told a third party that I had declined mediation more lies from her and her solicitor.

I guess we will wind up in court to get this divorce settled so it’s going to take another year or so as she continues to drag her heels and ignores all legal correspondence. I wish  she would just let me go now.
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on March 03, 2020, 03:33:13 AM
PhillyGirl posted a similar feeling, Wilder. Entirely healthy and normal.
As is your drawing back from looking for info about her and your/her friends disengagement from her. Normal. Healthy.

It's remarkable really how often they lie and seem to have L's who let them do that without much challenge. Even quite simple things like standard forms. Or how they over complicate and drag out these divorces that are supposed to be their magic happy tickets. To be fair, my xh did eventually admit that he lied a lot to his L too bc he felt ashamed and didn't want her to think that he was an a$$hole. (Which he was at the time  :) ) They lie like toddlers with chocolate around their mouths don't they? Remarkable thing to see in an adult actually when one is detached enough to just observe it. But tedious.
Sigh.
But textbook enough to not lose sleep over, just trudge through it, do the best you can and have faith that it will get better on the other side. Bc it will. Well, for you anyway.
You really are sounding like a different Wilder now  :)
Title: Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: UrsaMajor on March 03, 2020, 03:50:07 AM
Hi Wilder,

I had the same thought that Tresur already said - I doubt if her solicitor is actively "lying." S/He is probably just taking your W's word for it and acting accordingly. Otherwise, if the mediator were to testify that they never contacted you or told anyone else that you had denied mediation and her Solicitor actually fabricated the information (lied) , her Solicitor could end up in a heap of trouble... A lawyer will usually never cut off their own nose to spite their face...

Good for letting go of the snooping and good for your Solicitor to call her out on fudging the forms

Once you are off the Roller coaster and detached from her antics, I think you will find that your own cycling will be farther between and less down. It is like waves that diminish when the pan isn't being slopped around any more
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on March 30, 2020, 05:12:41 AM
Having a bit of a wobble this morning, isolated with friends in Southwark which is pretty much ground zero in London, know two people who have died already one aged 70 and the other under 60.

Still no contact couldn't sleep last night way too much on my mind and thinking of her.

I have to call another mediator as my certificate is now out of date and I need to start financial remedy proceedings in the courts.

I honestly hoped this crisis may have led her to contact me.

I guess not.
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Treasur on March 30, 2020, 05:35:04 AM
I am so sorry, Wilder, that you have lost people that you cared about. That must be very hard to bear and hard to live with the current uncertainties in London.

I just posted on Mego' thread about the process of slowly starting to change our beliefs about what we think our ex/spouses do or should believe. It takes time and a bit of an internal wrestling match. Of course it is normal to have hoped that these terrible times would cause someone to reach out; many of us have done just that in other relationships. But sadly, just as you say, based on others experiences here, your disappointment about that not being so is more common than the opposite. You are far from alone in your experience that even a global pandemic does not seem sufficient to restore some normal empathy settings in these folks or change their behaviour significantly.

I admire your fortitude in accepting that is how it is right now and hope you see the hard-won progress you have made in rebuilding your own inner strength.
Title: Six months in now still looking for answers
Post by: Wilderheart on March 30, 2020, 04:05:52 PM
Thank you Treasur it has helped me so much being here and you have been the voice of reason and reassuring when I have needed it most.

I’m staying with friends and have been cooking meals and baking breads and making pasta for them today so that’s helped keep my mind off MLC

I posted this message on social media yesterday and am posting here as I think it applies to us LBS’ as much as it was intended for all in isolation atm

When this is all over, when we can see and touch each other again.

When we come out the other side better people, realising what is REALLY important in this world. ..

We will ALL meet up again.

We will ALL make the effort to be there.

We wont make excuses not to be there.

We will treat each day with the joy and respect it deserves because we made it and are still making it and in honour of those who didnt.

We will hug old friends, we will make new friends.

 We will share smiles and laughter and tears of joy.

We will dance in the rain.

We wont care about our image.

We will see others inner beauty.

We will make this day one of many.

We will make people the most important things in our lives.

Posessions wont matter so much anymore

We will NOT forget this time and slip back into our old ways.

We will learn.

We will LOVE, and I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU ALL THERE X ❤