Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: MsMedfly on April 22, 2020, 09:54:46 AM

Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on April 22, 2020, 09:54:46 AM
Well, folks, it’s been awhile...

Recap, BD Jan 2015, left April 2015 because I sleep with the tv on, files for divorce behind my back, cleans out our home while I’m at school, and became what I call Stay Puff the marshmallow man... still the same raging, angry monster that set me free on April 19th, 2015..

I can’t believe it’s been 5 whole years.. 

Everything about me has changed, zero has changed in puffy land.

I’m married to the most amazing man, ever.. My relationship and marriage to puffy was never this stable, honest, supportive, trustworthy, caring, or loving, EVER. I truly believe that puffy simply never loved me or he honestly does not know how to love.. I flip flop between the two..

For those that are just climbing aboard, I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer last summer, 5 days after our first wedding anniversary. 15 rounds of chemo down, destroyed and removed  the colon tumors.. Now fighting the liver mets,.. 2 more treatments  to go.. !!!! We are winning and I know it.., But it’s really made me look at life through a very different set of eyes.

During the initial months of puffy’s  crisis, I was the typical lbs.. Then I hit bottom, like we all have to, and started recreating my very own life... 2 years in, I met Mr Duke... and his list matched mine.. and BAM...  The relationship and marriage I’d always dreamed of, was actually right in front of me.. I’m lucky, blessed, grateful, and thankful.. every single day for puffys choice to leave.

After my diagnosis, my view began to change. While I’ve sympathized with puffy, in my deepest parts, I hadn’t forgiven.. I hadn’t let go of the anger due to the damage he did to me, but mostly because of his treatment of our son.

So. That’s been one of the items I’m working on, forgiving him so when God asks me, I can say, I have to the best of my human ability. Not doing so, hurts me, my son, and my husband. So, as hard as urs been, I’ve forgiven but not forgotten..

I’ll forgive the dog for biting me, I’m wise enough, now,  to never go near him again.

S sent a pic of the 3 of us, me and Hunny to his dad. We went to a major rodeo, like we do every year, and puffys response is classic MLC.., don’t send pics of mom and stepdad, it’s disrespectful...

Um, to whom??? I get to see pics of him and her, because s will show me. And I’m NICE about it, for my sons sake… but not puffy, he can’t stand to even see me. I don’t get it, he left me, but is still pissed at me?? Will never make sense to me..., I gave up long ago trying to decipher the code of mlc.. 5 years dude, grow up... And get this, I’ve finally seen her,.. She looks like a taller, fatter, older version of me!!!!!!!! Vomit!!!

So, things are good, 2 rounds left. Almost done then it’s ring the bell, remission party time!!! Gosh, I hope and pray I can have my tribe with me,, I’ve been quarantined since January due to the compromised immune system.. To say it sucks, is an understatement!!!

But school is canceled so I can “teach” from home.. We sneak to our lake place every chance we get.. I haven’t caught a bass yet this year and it’s starting to piss me off!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

All in all, life is pretty good, considering. I hope y’all are well and staying safe!!!

Sending love, hugs, and prayers to y’all!!!

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10826.0
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Milly on April 22, 2020, 10:53:29 AM
MsMed, lovely to hear your positive update in spite of the extra trials you are facing. I'm so pleased for you that you have your wonderful new husband. Rooting for your remission party being free of lock down!
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Ready2Transform on April 22, 2020, 11:06:42 AM
You are still a beacon of grace, MsMedfly! So glad to hear your treatment is stepping forward in positive ways and I hope it's speedy and upward from here. :)
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 23, 2020, 03:29:13 AM
Hi MsMed,

Well, if you are REALLY looking for an answer.....

Puffy is mad because you aren't sitting on the porch as a pile of goo surrounded by snotty Kleenexes crocheting lace doilies pining away for the Marshmallow Man... You have actually gone on and gotten a life and an R that is good for you and you are on the way to kicking the big C's butt.....

Puffy can only be jealous..... because he hasn't got squat in Schmoopieland....
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Ggg4life on April 23, 2020, 03:47:54 AM
What an amazing journey!! I'm so happy to hear you're a few treatments away. Perseverance, joy, acceptance and a wonderful new life in spite of it all. May you get to continue to enjoy life on your terms.  Praying for continued healing and blessings!!  Great job staying the course. GGG
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on April 23, 2020, 07:50:49 AM
R2T and Ursa, y’all have been with me since the beginning and I cannot thank you enough. There isn’t an amount of money, gifts, etc that can ever repay y’all for getting me through  this.. There are others too, Nah, Thunder, Fabulous, Law prof, Medusa, Believe, Still, so many of you and your stories are how and why I survived and thrived.... eventually!!

I wallowed like a pig for the first 8 months.., Oh why me, why us, poor poor me....

Then I hit bottom. It was October 2015. I’ll never forget it, my guts finally caught up with reality. It was awful.. but necessary and mandatory.

I’d built my life around a lie. He’s a full, total, complete, narcissistic sociopath. Making a come back after that tsunami from hell wasnt easy. But it was because I have a tribe of incredible people who GET IT... I’m just really lucky I landed here...

Life’s pretty great actually. I have the massive, close knit family I always dreamed of, my son is the best he’s ever been, and my Hunny, oh my my precious hubby. I’m so glad God pushed me to say yes to his date offer... Our story begins with a Jersey, a sausage biscuit and a coke!!

Newbies, I hurt for you.., I know every step of your pain. Don’t be like I as for 8 months, start looking for the blessings, find something in each day, that you are grateful for.. Their MLC isn’t all horror and nightmares.. Think about it, what’s one blessing you can see, each day??

It’s where I started and I never looked back. I don’t have time nor the head space for it.. I’ve got one life to live, not a past to continually grieve over...

If MLC didn’t change me, cancer sure as heck did.. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I have to see the humor and I find it very funny you say jealousy.. He’s bought and sold 3 convertible sports cars, in 5 years... The latest, classic MLC, red convertible corvette!!! Too bad he doesn’t have a cute girl to go with it.. My former mil, my sons grandma, can’t stand her, says she’s hiding something, and doesn’t understand why she makes zero attempts to have a relationship with her.... Hmmmmmm..,  Interesting...

Well, because of their beginning.. And now, 5 years in, it’s all come out. Her skeletons are worse than his.. but to not cherish the woman that gave you the love of your life??! WTH?..

I adore my in loves. They are just like my parents, I’m so lucky, blessed and humbled. I couldn’t imagine not having a great relationship with them, we are with our family ALL the time...

They aren’t. She’s on Facebook but blocked everyone of us, and that’s ALOT.., PLUS, she blocked my son... She makes zero attempt to be in s’s life, he doesn’t even have her phone number...

Absolutely bizarre...

I’m sure my diagnosis was met with his typical oh great, here goes the martyr... I can hear it. I know this much, if this had been during my marriage to puffy, he’d let me die.. He’d rather have the insurance money!

As my hunny says, it is what it is. And I’m so thankful for the hell I went through because the blessings are completely worth it!!!

Happy Thursday y’all!! I’ll update more once I get to a computer...

Love your sweet faces!! Chins up, crowns straight, heads high... 💜💜💜💜💜

Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on April 27, 2020, 08:12:56 PM
I won't go on and on, I promise.  If someone could link me, I appreciate it. I've never figured that out!

Now that I have the time, I can update more.

I'll start with the little I do know about puffy land and just get it over with.. I don't know much, just the bits I pick up from s. I don't dare ask, I've come too far to resort to that. I know that they live together, in his house, and that they "play" this happy family gig pretty well. S believes she's hiding something and of course, has FINALLY connected all the dots. Good grief, it took him FOREVER. I wasn't going to be that parent. I wasn't going to be the one to bash his dad, tell him what a lying, cheating, piece of poo he is.. I could, I probably  did in a drunken state, at some point.  He's figured it out, put the pieces together, with grandma's help and the the two of them are so done with puffy and his spring shower.... I call her this because all of this went down in April, and that just happens to be one of her names. She's got so many, we can't really figure out who she really is. Sketchy I tell ya... Plus, did learn that her first hubby has the same first name as the puffer. Are you serious???? They don't even get creative and change the names... Just bodies and geography!!  It's like a bad soap opera....

I know she's got one foot in, one foot out. You don't move in with someone and then intentionally NOT become part of their family.  The whole situation is odd ... I'm glad it's not mine to deal with. I cannot imagine.....

S does say that he's still the angry, puffy monster that left. Everything is still my fault and the mention of my name, sends shock waves. I seriously don't understand this. Part of why I'm here updating. I don't understand the anger at me.

I didn't do this, I had zero part in any of it ... but all the blame and anger, still five years later, is all at me.... Is it a guilt thing? It can't be, puffy doesn't have that button. He feels guilt for nothing, ever. It's always the other person's fault, even when you have video evidence. It's your fault it's on video!!

Gosh, I don't miss the eggshell dance I used to do. My insides no longer feel like they might rupture from the constant knots, living "his" life caused. It was gradual, I didn't see a thing, everyone else knew BUT ME... I've gotten over feeling stupid. I don't see most of the ones that kept his ugly secrets anymore so it's no longer a constant reminder of people that I cannot trust. Now, I feel lucky. Lucky that he left and didn't drag me through the hell that some of you have endured. I can't imagine having a clinger. I'm grateful for the vanishing act, it's helped me heal, find my sanity, and own my reality again.

He took away my ability to trust, even my own thoughts, movements, decisions, choices. He made sure I was a puddle of goo when he ripped the rug out from under me. It's all part of their evil, little plan, they hatch on lunch breaks and when stuck in traffic. He most certainly got me, but only for awhile. Once I laid down my law, it stopped. He had nowhere to get his fix any longer so he finally left me alone. He would attempt. to bait me, with some minor whatever issue with s, but has completely left me alone since. It's been more than three years since I've spoken to him. I did see a pic at Christmas. Eeeeewwwww..... Not sure what I found attractive there but it's gone now....

I know this, it takes a LONG time to heal from the damage of a narcissistic sociopath, I still have triggers. Small things now, but I still have them. Hunny understands, s is currently living with us so he's gotten a bigger glimpse into what our lives were like with puffy and he thinks it's sad I stayed for so long, with someone who clearly didn't deserve neither s nor I. He's right, but how do you leave when you don't even know??

Do I think about him? Nope, do I wonder, nope... Do I think damn, I'm lucky I got away cleaner than I could have.... YUP!!!! I get the if only's... if I had only figured it all out sooner, retained my own attorney faster, somehow slowed the motion of a cat 5 hurricane with my bare hands... I no longer feel sadness for what was lost. I hurt for my son but even that, doesn't sting like it used to.

That's because I chose to rebuild. I made the choice to say yes to good looking coach that asked me out on a date. 4 years later, here we are... about to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. I chose to move forward, for me and for my son. God knew exactly what He was doing, He knew... My son has a massive family, full of fun cousins, aunts, uncles, that have just made him one of the grandkids. It makes my heart so happy.... It's what he's always wanted to, a big, loving family that does everything together.

I guess write me down as one of the lucky ones, I don't know. I certainly didn't feel lucky for the first three years. It was pure hell. I really didn't know if I was going to come out alive. Every step I'd take, he'd knock me down, just to laugh as I fell. I just kept getting up, putting on my big girl panties, and handling it. I think when I married someone else, he finally got the message, she's totally over you....

It does get better, sweet newbie... I promise. It takes a lot of hard work, tears, and commitment that you will not let it destroy you!! Do not let their crisis take you down too. You are better than that, worth far too much to let the emotional temper tantrum of a 50 something year old be the reason you can't get out of bed in the morning. Find something, anything, that makes you happy. And go with it... start building a life around it. Make it all your own...

So, that's pretty much me. Spending too much time on the couch because the chemo slows me down, which in turn, pisses me off. I'm a goer, I don't sit still well, at all!!!

Life marches on.... and to think, 5 years ago today my declaration of independence was signed and delivered....

Who knew his MLC would turn out so wonderful for me... I really should send a basket or something, maybe a hanging plant...

Love ya'll!!!
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 28, 2020, 03:42:54 AM
Hi Ms MedFly

Maybe one of these?


I know, I'm going to Hades....
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Keep believing on April 28, 2020, 05:20:20 AM
I love your update except for the cancer part. Luck to you. I wish so hard I could find a man like you have. Not actively looking but nothing would stop me from a date. Its been almost 6 years for me and my "puffy" shows no change either.
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on April 28, 2020, 08:33:30 AM
Ursa, that’s it!!! That’s the perfect gift for those two!!! They have a big backyard and a pool.. He had the nerve to purchase the house, that we almost bought, 10 years before... 2 years after the divorce.. What the heck.. Wasn’t good enough in 2007, but buys it in 2017... and pays $100,000 more than it was listed for in 07.. Didn’t want the pool upkeep, but now that he’s 12 years older and had no children at home, it makes perfect sense!??? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Idiots, both of them!!

Keep, they are out there!!!!!! I did online for a month and then deleted.. I’m too old fashioned and for some reason, all I attracted as older men, who wanted to send me dirty pictures.. Ugh... I met my darling hubby the old fashioned way, we teach at the same school...  It’s funny now, how we were just teacher friends, knew nothing about the other for 8 years...

Later, after we were married, I was told that my very first day at my school, when I was introduced, he told another coach, that’s her, that’s the one!! She’ll be my wife one day..  How he knew, I don’t know.. I was “happily” married to puffy, with a 12 year old at home.. Mr hot single coach was nowhere on my radar!! 8 years later, here we are, I’m Mrs. Coach...

I know this site is about standing. And I did, fiercely, till God told me to move... I waited until I felt Gods push to move on... I knew that the marriage to puffy could never be restored and God was taking me to a new place. I just had to trust and believe in His plan...

Have y’all made the list?? The list of the perfect partner???

I did.. My therapist’s bright idea... So I did.. Pages of qualities, characteristics, morals, values, things I knew that couldn’t possibly exist, therefore I could continue to wallow and long for puffy..

Then my list showed up.. I couldn’t believe it!!!

It started because our boys gave me the honorary captain jersey for that weeks game.. I get to the sidelines, don’t have a clue what to do and who do I run into??! None other than mr cutie coach... He shows me around, takes me in the locker room for pre game (my most favorite part of our Friday night rituals), gets me a headset so I can talk trash to the press box.. Tells me as I, leaving, I don’t got out with married chicks but you, I’m going to make an exception.. I laughed,.. and he was the first person at school, besides my tribe, that found out, I was now single...

We chatted beck and forth, for months... he’d call to see if the boys needed to come help me with anything... since s was away at school and I was living alone..

It really began on Valentine’s Day, in the drive thru at McDonalds.. At 5 am, I’m getting breakfast and heading to school to make stuff for my kids, he’s behind me, getting ready to head to Houston for the state wrestling tournament. I bought his breakfast, a sausage biscuit and a coke.. He emails me and says thanks, that’s never happened to me before.. and proceeds to ask me out... I waited three days to respond, prayed about it, consulted my inner circle...and finally said yes!

And I get to say yes with him every single day... I’m so lucky..

So, what are you saying no to that might be a new adventure that deserves a big fat YES???? Think about it... What’s keeping you from jumping in, head first?? Fear, hurt, trust issues... what is it that’s holding your freedom??

I may he married, but I’ve never been more free in my entire life!!!!

I’ve got to get moving, Alexa isn’t going to lay 12 bags of mulch!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Hugs and kisses!!
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: UrsaMajor on April 28, 2020, 08:45:02 AM
Quote from: MsMedFly
So, what are you saying no to that might be a new adventure that deserves a big fat YES???? Think about it... What’s keeping you from jumping in, head first?? Fear, hurt, trust issues... what is it that’s holding your freedom??

THIS is gold......
For those of us who are no longer standing, these are the pivotal questions..... and I think that they are all pat and parcel of the same thing... We are scared because we have been hurt (decimated might be a better term) and we have trust issues because of that decimation as well.....
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: stillbaffled on April 29, 2020, 08:45:18 PM
MsMed - so freaking awesome to have updates from you.  Your strength, perseverance and positive attitude regarding the cancer and treatments is very inspiring. 

Yeah, this distance learning stuff is a crap shoot, to say the least.  Right now my seniors are pushing me to the max.  Some of them have just shut down and while I know it's a struggle for all of us, it just pains me see them throw away all those years of education and not graduate. 

So Puffy is still the Puffy I remember when I first met you in early 2016. 

We've come a long way, MsMed - a long, long way! 

Hope you'll continue to drop by with updates. 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on May 04, 2020, 05:53:28 PM
Trust issues will haunt you for awhile.., until you find someone you feel is worth breaking the barrier for..

That’s what it is, a wall of absolute terror, fully constructed by the actions of someone else...

When my bestie hit me with that, I was done being afraid and started building my life again. No one gets to construct anything on my “property” without my consent.. So why build walls, that could potentially keep out, really amazing people?? You can’t take what the mlcer did to you, out on the new relationship.. BUT, BE HONEST... with whomever you are dating, that your divorce was a F5 tornado, and that triggers still happen... You have to realize someone else created a fear in you and it’s what holds most people down...

I don’t have that ability any longer, I stopped being afraid of being hurt, I get to decide what hurts and what doesn’t..

So what’s hurting (fear, keeping) you from creating the life you dream of???? What pre constructed walls, are in your house, that you didn’t put there?? Start remolding... knock them down.... It’s so worth it!!!!
Still, we’ve been through it haven’t we???? 😘😘😘😘😘

Hugs and kisses!!! 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on June 09, 2020, 04:53:38 AM
Just journaling.. as sleep evades me due to the massive amount of steroids they pump me full of, during my “spa” treatments.. Ugh.. I should look like Arnold!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well, the sins of the past came right out and bit me, square in the a$$ on Sunday. I had a total meltdown.. I tried, best I could, to shield Hunny from it but ohhhhh no, he ended up in the cross hairs of my hormonal rampage. I was angry because we are supposed to be in Vegas this week, celebrating, what we thought was the end of cancer and chemo.. Well, we aren’t because of corona and while we did find out we are beating the liver mets, they’ve shrunk to less than 50% of their original size, I couldn’t help but throw myself one hellva pity party...

All started because a girl that Hunny “dated” 20 plus years ago, messaged him on Facebook. He did tell me about it, she was asking how I was feeling. Ok, I’m not dumb and this girl has a lengthy history of sleeping with married men. Like years of it and yes, she’s married. She was married when she and Hunny hooked up, he had no idea until after it began. He ended it quickly, after finding about her hubby,  because she has kids and knew that the whole thing was wrong. She works in our district, different school. Just this past year, yet again, she’s busted, having another affair, with another teacher..  I’ve met her and until now I didn’t have an opinion.

Now I do. And it’s NOT Hunny’s fault. All he did was answer her by updating on my health and how great we are doing. For some reason, on Sunday, amongst all the other insanity, I got it stuck in my mind that she’s after him. Which could be actually true but see, Hunny is not. I devastated him when I sobbed, please don’t talk to her, she’s the devil... 

I instantly knew why I felt like this.. Triggers... And I knew I had to explain myself. Which, I did, between sobs, and watched my hubby listen and try to understand where I’m coming from. His response, I’m not him, I would never, and I’m sorry that you were treated so badly... I will not engage in any communication with her any further.

Wait, what??!? No screaming, fighting, just two adults, communicating and learning to understand the other. I honestly didn’t know how to respond, I’ve never been actually listened to, validated, understood like this... I felt like the worst wife in the world..

But I hurt him with my behavior and that’s what I can’t stand. He’s too good to me, my son, my entire family for him to jeopardize what we have.

It made me want to lash out at the right person. I’ve never given puffy the proper cussing I feel he’s earned. I wanted so badly to fire off an angry email rant of what a massive POS he is... but I didn’t. What good does it do?? None. It would change nothing and would make me look stupid, again. Nope, I decided it’s not worth it so here I am, venting to the only people that truly get it. Having a vanisher is difficult when it comes to letting go of the anger. I spent every interaction with puffy for the first 6 months, kissing his a$$, begging, pleading, quoting the Bible... Instead of standing up for myself and shutting the bully down, by completely and totally losing my sh$t. Even during the last conversation, in January of 2016 when I finally laid down my laws and boundaries, I did it like a kindergarten teacher!!! Ugh, the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s..

Oh well, the feeling to rage at him passed as quickly as it came. I know I will never get a response, only knee jerk reactions from a narcissistic sociopath, trying to cover his tracks.

And I thought I was so over it. Him, yes, the damage, well, that’s taking longer to repair than I ever expected. Thank God my husband loves me and gets it.. But he’s said, it’s time to let that go too because that kind of behavior and choices don’t happen here. What a great man he is, to be so honest and open, well I’m just lucky and I thank God every day for him.

Round 19 of chemo is Thursday.. I’d rather be anywhere else but I know we are almost there and the end is always the hardest, right?

Sending you lots of hugs and kisses!!! 💜💜💜😘😘😘😘
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Anon on June 09, 2020, 09:58:24 AM
Ms Medfly - your post has deeply impacted me.   The last post on my thread explains why.  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11214.new#new
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Ready2Transform on June 09, 2020, 11:36:18 AM
Big hugs, prayers, good vibes for chemo, MsMedfly! Always going up for you.

I had some triggers over the last year or so that helped me peel off another layer of the trauma onion (yes, even after all of these years!). It feels awful to go through. But you recognize it for what it is, which is HUGE, you addressed the concerns that those feelings conjured, and you will be better and stronger for it. For me, when you see how these "relationships" start from a vantage point that doesn't involve being an LBS, it really shows the pathology of it. It's a "thing" that people really do! We can truly never control others, but we have the power to know that no matter what situations we face, we can have our own backs. Vent here all you need to, as we truly get it!
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Ggg4life on June 09, 2020, 11:53:16 AM

I'm sorry you're going through such an array of feelings, especially at a time like this.  I'm thinking of you and holding you close in prayer.  I can't even imagine what he'll others are going through on top of treatments. I pray all types of healing and restoration for you all.  No more treatments and a peaceful period of you two reconnecting and growing when this other stuff gets settled.  Hoping it continues to draw you two together to explore new things with new meanings.  Thinking of you...GGG
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Treasur on June 09, 2020, 12:09:45 PM
Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing that trigger moment. As you say, vanishers leave a lot of things unspoken for we LBS don't they? And it is hard and messy to clear up some of your own stuff in a kind of black hole lol. So many of us are prone to beating ourselves up about not entirely being 'trauma free'....we so want to be and it can be a bit disheartening when we realise we are not, even if it is just a little.

I DO like your h....how marvellously straightforward and understanding his response was....and I hope the two of you get to do Vegas before too long  :)
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Milly on June 10, 2020, 02:49:31 AM
Everything Treasur said. I'm so sorry you were triggered on a day that should have been a good day. BUt thank you so much for sharing, because in spite of you having moved on from Puffy, and now in a most wonderful relationship with a great man, you can still be triggered. The damage done to us by our MLCers is huge.

I just want to say that it's so helpful to see the reaction of a normal, healthy man to the approach from an OW type woman. He has no interest any way, but when he hears your pain, he will do whatever you need. And no monstering. We are not used to this, but this should be normal.

Sending you strength to get through the last chemos. x
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: forthetrees on June 10, 2020, 05:18:00 AM
Trust your spidey senses- that woman could have reached out to you if she was really wanting to express concern for your well being. Nope, she was trying to soften the target- your hubby. Guess she has a playbook.

Anywho- here´s to you ticking off another chemo Rx on the road to recovery.

I´m 10+ years out and if I were to start listing all the ex crap, I´d get triggered too. I think we set it aside in a box, but the scars will always be there.

Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 10, 2020, 09:05:14 AM
I am rather late but I am attaching x
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: stillbaffled on June 11, 2020, 07:47:18 AM

It made me want to lash out at the right person. I’ve never given puffy the proper cussing I feel he’s earned. I wanted so badly to fire off an angry email rant of what a massive POS he is... but I didn’t. What good does it do?? None. It would change nothing and would make me look stupid, again. Nope, I decided it’s not worth it so here I am, venting to the only people that truly get it. Having a vanisher is difficult when it comes to letting go of the anger.

A dear friend of mine calls my MLCer POS#2 if she ever mentions him.  He'd be POS#1 except hers has that label! 

I so totally get it, MsMed.  I also have never had my say, and highly doubt I ever will.  As you've stated, what good would it do? 

Sorry about Vegas.  Sending a virtual hug as you get through the last rounds of treatment.   Keep us posted. 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on June 26, 2020, 05:33:26 AM
I thought bomb drop and d day would be anniversary’s I would learn to just get through.  Now, I have all new dates to celebrate..

Hunny and I will celebrate our second wedding anniversary on the 4th of July... Then, the 10th, it will be one full year since I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. Seems like it went so fast.. but yet dragged when the chemo would just destroy me!! We are colon cancer free with the exception of the 2 liver mets.. But yesterday we found out my CEA is down to 9. When I started chemo, they were over 40,000! A couple more “spa” days and we will be done!

You’d think a cancer diagnosis would lead to at least an e-mail from the puffer. Nope, not a word!!  I hurt for my son, who is trapped. He gives his dad so many chances, to be a decent human and he fails every time!  I just listen... and only call him a MF’er to myself.  Puffy is the textbook definition of douche bag, tool, a$$ clown, you name it, he’s it!!

I’ve found myself replaying all the hate he spewed at me. Most of the really awful stuff I can’t remember.  One line in particular won’t go away.. “God help the next man that finds you”.... Puffy screamed it at me, five years ago, as he was throwing a fit because I stood up to him and got my own attorney...

I find it interesting that this sticks.., because the “man that found me” is a billizion times better than the one that left!!  I don’t often let what puffy says then, drag me down now. But for some reason, that replays a lot. I know most of the garbage he spewed was all manipulative and gas lighting.. I see it as he was self reflecting out loud, at me!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Then poof, gone! I’m glad he’s gone, I’m glad he left and divorced me. Thank you mr vanisher!! He did me a massive favor and I think when you start to flip your thinking from oh poor me, my poor kids and start realizing you are finally free from all of the drama, that your children will thank you one day for not being a door mat, that there is so much joy and happiness, even in such a horrific life event, you begin to see life in a much different way.

Being a teacher and a coach’s wife, I get to hear all kinds of motivational everything.. But one thing that always stinks out is what is your mindset?? Are you actively choosing to be miserable or are you actively seeking joy??? Misery is easier to find but joy is worth the struggle!! It’s all about choices.. Our MLClers made theirs, now it’s time for you to make yours!!!!!! Make them count, make them kind, but always chose to love others, even if that means walking out of their life. I have zero affection of any kind for puffy, even as the father of my only child. He did a piss poor job at being a dad before, now, it’s just an awkward relationship that my son tries to continue.

I’m so grateful for incredible people like y’all.. you just get it!!!  My sweet hunny, that has really stepped up and in, filling those dad shoes quite well. Oh if I had a time machine... I go back and marry Hunny 20 years ago and have a house full of boys.. But instead, I was given an amazing partner that loves and supports me and my son and a field house of 200 plus boys that all call me mama!!

Chins up, crowns straight, find the happiness I know your broken heart so desperately craves. We all have to be broken at some point, that’s how the light shines through!! Shine your lights!!!!!!

Hugs and kisses!! 💜💜💜💜
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 26, 2020, 05:51:02 AM
And when Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy! ;)
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Ready2Transform on June 26, 2020, 09:35:17 AM
You are amazing, MM!! Can't wait until those "spa" days are over. God blessed the next man that found you, for sure. Hugs!!
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: OffRoad on June 26, 2020, 09:42:41 AM
God did help the next man who found you. He was given YOU!

Thank you for updating and I'm glad you are doing well.
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Treasur on June 26, 2020, 10:15:20 AM
Those sound like two anniversaries well worth celebrating, Ms M  :)
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: stillbaffled on June 27, 2020, 05:58:20 AM
Nice update, MsMed. 

Hope your summer just keeps improving.  Drop in whenever you can.   It's nice to hear from you.

Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Milly on June 29, 2020, 04:37:31 AM
So happy for you that you found Hunny and thank you for coming to update so we see that there are good men out there (apart from the male LBS on here, of course!). Wonderful news on your CEA count and wishing you a wonderful wedding anniversary on the 4th!
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on September 16, 2020, 02:34:54 PM
Twas the night before scan results...

Yep, we find out tomorrow what’s there, what’s not and what’s next... it’s been a Xanax day..

School is insane, everything is.. I really think the world has gone mad.. but I get to go, everyday and see my kids. I teach in a shower curtain bubble around my desk, in a mask, as far from my kids as possible.  I can’t help it, I hug my kids. They need it, I need it and damn it, if I get some virus because I loved my kids, I’m going to be pissed..

Vanisher update = zero... Just the way I like it.. S sees him, I don’t ask.. but puffys father, who is the epic, definition of monster MLCer, called s, with his usual promises of everything under the sun.. Vomit!! It’s disgusting how bad people try to buy your affection but puffy senior, never follows through. It’s all bull sh$t and he has never, ever fulfilled any of the extravagant promises he’s made to s. S knows and said it’s strange, he’s just like dad!! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️... My son is slow at certain skills, he’s autistic, and it’s been painful to watch his mind try to sort out the truth from lies... Omg.. Y’all, it’s ridiculous!!! He does the same to puffy, promises of luxury everything and then never ever, does it happen. It’s a sick relationship but it’s what was left after the cat 5 hurricane he caused when he left mil... Same story, but with 1980s hair!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ugh. I’m over it, and S knows it. When I didn’t ask, he looked shocked. I can’t care about someone who wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire... What he doesn’t understand is he’s just a pawn too, in their evil little games.. He’s learning but every time he gets hurt, I just listen and pray.. it’s seriously sucks what these monsters do to their children.. I see it in my classroom, in my little babies eyes.. I know who’s going thru the ringer and who is finally recovering.. A$$holes.. Don’t hurt kids.. and don’t be an a$$hole, life is really that simple!

So, I’m nervous and anxious and everything in between..  Not knowing is absolutely the worst part..

I’ll keep y’all updated!! Thank you, for everything!! Love y’all!! 💜💜💜💜

Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Nas on September 16, 2020, 02:58:18 PM
Scanxiety...I feel you, sister.  Scan Eve, Scan Day, Results Eve - all the little rituals like fruitlessly searching for the "tells" on the radiology techs' faces.  Uncertainty and waiting on results is the absolute worst.  Sending all good vibes! 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: stillbaffled on September 16, 2020, 08:18:52 PM
Hoping for good results for you both, Ms. Med and Nas.   

Keep us updated. 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on September 22, 2020, 02:52:03 PM

Liver mets are now just millimeters instead of inches!! WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!

Blood work is great, scan shows lots of shrinkage and nothing new has shown up.. Life is good!!

A few more rounds of chemo and we will be DONE!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏

Thank you all for your love and prayers!!

Not to change the subject but did the vanisher thread, vanish?? It’s the one I read more consistently.. and then play catch up on all of you!!

So I’m distance watching a high profile, massively expensive, overly dramatic mlc divorce.. She started it, by finding someone else while hubby traveled for work.. 3 gorgeous children, seemingly the “perfect” life..  All blown to pieces with her choices.. What strikes me is the age... she’s just barely 35..

I wonder how much social media plays a part. The mlcers I’ve seen lately are just barely 40 and on major paths of destruction.. why are they getting younger and even more evil??? Or is it I’m getting older and noticing more mlc vs divorce.. ??

I don’t know, either way, I see more and more of it and it makes me so sad... People just truly believe families and people are disposable. Ugh, people won’t even commit to a cable provider,  much less, a spouse..

Oh well.. we got great news and I have lots to be thankful and grateful for.. Life is pretty great when you chose to enjoy it..

Love y’all!!
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: forthetrees on September 22, 2020, 04:55:01 PM
Woot, woot, that is quite the cause for celebration. SOOOOO happy for you! Thanks for posting.
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Treasur on September 22, 2020, 11:24:49 PM
Fantastic news, MsM  :)
Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Milly on September 23, 2020, 12:52:10 AM
Such fantastic news, MsMed, sooooo happy for you! Sending you strength to get through these last rounds of chemo.

Now that I'm familiar with MLC, I see how many break ups are due to this, and women, too. My SIL left her H when she was in her late thirties for her affair partner. I remember trying to talk to her at the time to stay with her family. She couldn't come up with a good reason for leaving, she kept repeating that she was tired of her H because he would go biking on a Saturday. She did several short returns then left permanently because her H would not take her back, broken hearted though he was. She was diagnosed as clinically depressed at the time. I wonder now if it was MLC. She is still with the affair partner but not out of choice. She told me about 10 years later that her H was the love of her life and she wanted back with him but he wouldn't take her back. So now the affair partner is basically her plan B and she's sticking with it. She has no money, her H saved the house and has a beautiful home and a job he loves. Sorry to ramble on, but you telling us about the high profile divorce made me think about it.

Thanks for reminding us to choose to enjoy life. It really does make a difference but I need a good reminder at times. Will appreciate my day today thinking of you. x

Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: stillbaffled on September 23, 2020, 05:47:41 PM
That is great news, MsMed. 

Thanks for sharing the update with us. 
Title: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: MsMedfly on September 25, 2020, 02:29:01 PM
Life just keeps getting better..

We get to play football tonight!!! For those that don’t know, I’m a high school teacher, as is my hubby and he’s varsity offensive line.. I love our Friday night lights.. our boys, our community. Just super lucky and blessed..

I had a student tell me her mom left her dad so they could split custody and she’d have time to be by herself, without the children. That’s the reason they divorced because she didn’t want to be a full time parent... I almost fell over. You can’t make this s$&t up..

I do wonder, how many are true divorces, mlcs, or simply because one spouse doesn’t want to be full time anymore..

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that puffy is unable to love anyone but himself. He pretends, fakes it, and is pretty damn convincing, at times.. but it’s not real. I’ve learned what true love is and what it looks like and it certainly wasn’t in my marriage to puffy. I’m at fault for staying with someone who treated me so horribly. I know I can say I did everything I could, in my power, to save that relationship. It just wasn’t Gods plan.. He knew things I didn’t and saved me, after the initial shock began to wear off and reality set in.

I think it’s a joy, not to know all about him, her, their whole existence.. I empathize with those that are forced to have a front row seat at crazypooloza!!!! I can honestly say I know nothing, I’ve only been told things.. and I’m a true believer of only believe half of what see and nothing that you hear so it’s all just gossip.. I haven’t interacted with him in over 4 years... Oh, I love the peacefulness of that. I’m off the wheel and don’t even have to watch what happens next...

Ahhh, the blessings of the vanisher.. insert sarcasm!!!! Creep pulled it off so smooth, I never had a chance. Granted, I didn’t act like a fool either so I do have that in my win  column.. Plus, I realized this morning I’m angry because I never got the chance to lose it on him. I have to let go of this.., and it’s the final piece to lay down. I just can’t let it go!! The amount of monstering he did at me, for months, days on end, the constant barrage of hateful texts filled with evil.. then ghost me, he deserves it. But I know better, it’s pointless.

I’ve written the letter I’ll never send, burned 2 of them this year. I just keep praying to let it go, it serves no purpose.. but it’s still there and every now and then, I want to trash him like the garbage he’s become. But I don’t, I pray about it instead..

5 years in and I’m there. I just gotta figure out how to let go of any ability to receive the response I think I deserve. I feel entitled and that’s wrong, I’m entitled to nothing from him. I’m the one with the issue because I feel I deserve the right to cuss him straight into next year.. and I don’t. Even though he’s earned it, it’s not my place to judge... But given the opportunity, I don’t know if I’m mature enough yet to stop myself....

But I have too much to be thankful for, that I would never have, without his mlc.

So, there’s my vent of the week. I’m still a work in progress...

Thank God y’all get it.. because none of my “friends” do..


Title: Re: Celebrating five years of freedom
Post by: Milly on September 26, 2020, 03:01:17 AM
Good vent, MsMed. Good you face your frustration and act constructively, no matter how you decide to act about it in the future. No judging here. Nice of you to share with us so that we can take something from it.

I'm soo happy you have your lovely, high school teacher/coach hubby, and that you have these wonderful Friday evenings of football with your community. Sounds perfect to me.