Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Finding Joy on May 09, 2020, 01:05:58 PM

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 09, 2020, 01:05:58 PM

Today is kind of a big day because my d15’s “friend” that’s a boy is over.  This is a first in every way.  Thankfully her best friend is also here to help chaperone.  His Mom and I are on the same page with rules.  I think she is stricter than I am which is hilarious to me!  Mostly because that is almost not possible 😂.  My daughter can’t stand that we are both on the same page with the rules. 

My h will be by early evening to help d5 with his bike.  The boy “friend” will still be here.  So we will see how that goes.

Having him over was a great excuse for me to have the kids do extra chores this morning, so the house is extra clean:). This boy has the same name as my youngest son.  Anyways, here’s my new thread.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Watcher on May 09, 2020, 01:23:22 PM
LOL Finding Joy,

You have certainly hit the trifecta of crisis. MLC, coronavirus pandemic, and now teenage boy.  ::) Welcome to your new thread.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 10, 2020, 08:38:52 AM
Ha!  Yes Watcher with a teenage boy as the topper😉

So I’m feeling very blessed  and thankful this Mother’s Day!  My d15 has really stepped up since my h left on my birthday and Mother’s Day.  Last year for Father’s Day I had the kids make my h something special and give it to him.  I guess he remembered because he returned the gesture this year.  He also offered to help out today, but I did not take him up on it.  To be honest, him being here currently is not as relaxing as him not being here.

So far I’ve gotten a latte, and pancakes and sausage in bed.  She made my paleo pancakes so extra points.  My d8 has me in fancy jammies and a robe.  She cut cucumbers and plans to do my nails.  Ha, girls are harder to raise, but they have their redeeming qualities!

My s5 had me up all night again.  His cough went to his chest.  His father is bringing by some things from the store for him later.  We are going to have to take him to the Dr, even though thus far we have tried to avoid things like that during the pandemic.  We cannot risk anything with this one.  He gets too sick too fast.

Have a wonderful day friends!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 11, 2020, 10:22:15 AM
I am recognizing that I am struggling with my h being around more without actually being in a relationship with me.

I read on another post good advice for reconnection.  Now that he sort of helps out more and is more comfortable around me.  I just want to either move forward or keep total distance.

After reading today, it seems that’s not how it works.  I’m supposed to keep my expectations at zero, carry on with life, and really just stay in limbo while he decides if he wants to reconnect or not.

That is not my personality.  If I’m in, I’m in.  I struggle with being in between, limbo.  If you want a relationship, ok, let’s have one.  If not, ok....

I tend to lash out at him on the holidays.  I didn’t the last few, but did yesterday.  Probably due to a lack of sleep with s5. 

How do I describe how I feel?  I don’t know the words.

Before when it was just detachment, I was detached.  It protected my heart.  Now, it’s this sort of in between zone, where we are friendly and in regular communication, yet he is leaning towards the family as a whole.  Not particularly me and no interest in a relationship beyond superficial/business.  It hurts.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  I don’t know how to be here.  How to protect myself and reconnect.  How to keep my expectations in check.  How to not let his indifference towards me effect me.  I prefer all in or all out.

A large part of me wants to pack up and leave, but it’s too late for that.  A divorce would have to happen here, and there’s not time before next school year.

I find my emotions are at conflict with my personality.  I don’t want to give up.  But, he did.  I don’t want a divorce, but he did this.  I don’t want my kids to go without a father, but he chose this.  So why do I feel the need to sit and wait so that his choices aren’t in stone.

He turned his back on me, us.  So now to keep him from suffering long term consequences I have stayed in FL for almost 2 years, it will be three when we leave.  We have people who care about us back home.  So why stay here with someone indifferent.  At this point the deed is done and we will be here.

I just don’t know that he’s worth it.  MLC seems like an excuse to me.  I tend to believe in accountability.  Doing the right thing.  He just doesn’t want responsibility or to adult.  At a certain point it’s just enabling to coddle them in my view.  He left, he didn’t care about the consequences and yet I have stayed here and he has no consequences yet.  Outside of myself and his children not respecting him.

I know me, and when I move next year, if it’s not with him and we are divorced, there will be no turning back.  So surely I can make it through one more year of uncertainty.  Either ending in divorce or reconciliation.  Whatever ending, I just want limbo to end.

I want to move on with life.  His family says I am the best thing to ever happen to him, but he sees me as nothing.  I cannot stay in this twisted warped reality for much longer.  I would like a real companion.  A grown up man who actually wants a relationship. 

He never even acknowledges when I lash out.  He just ignores me.  He will try to smooth it over by offering something for the kids or just text something business back.  My feelings, my emotions are not something he cares anything about, but I’m waiting on him...  It’s a one way relationship.  That’s not enough for me.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 12, 2020, 03:27:51 AM
Attaching FJ

Actually, dealing with a teenage boy and a male Midlifer is about the same....  ::)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 12, 2020, 07:14:16 AM
I don’t know Ursa, I really like this kid!  For sure easier!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 13, 2020, 07:30:53 AM
I don’t know why my feelings are the way they are.  My instinct right now is really to run.  To get out of limbo and move on.  My circumstances do not allow that.

So last night was H’s Tuesday visit.  The thing I struggle with is him being so friendly, but not ever saying anything about us in particular.  I don’t want to get hurt.  I don’t want to be his friend unless we are going to make our family work.  But reconnection means taking a risk.  I’m not a risk taker.

I have no clue what goes on in his personal life these days.  Yet he comes over here and is friendly, backs me up with the kids, does what I ask him too.  He never stays past his his designated time.  He is out on time every time.  So he feels no need to linger.

So last night my intention was to make dinner for the family and be gone the whole time he was here.  But, then I realized that if we are to keep moving forward I have to resist the urge to avoid him.

We bought 2 laptops at the beginning of the year for the big kids school.  They broke one recently and we need another.  He apparently thinks about the struggle here at the house some.  He brought up us trying to make it with an iPad, 1 school laptop, and our laptop, leaving a child to do school on my phone(of course s5 only takes an hour).  So he is scouting out laptops.  That shows care and concern, so I will take it.

Here’s why it hurts to be around him.
He sometimes acts like his old self.  Funny, joking around, helpful, present.  It’s too easy to start thinking he is becoming normal again, but then he leaves.  No hug, no commitment, no statement of love.  So really it’s just more limbo.  He was so normal last night.  Like old times.  He continues to check on s5 and this morning text about the laptop. 

I know we are not supposed to apply pressure.  Sometimes I struggle because I see the deadline of our move a year away.  Last night I texted him, “You have a short amount of time to save your family.  I hope you chose us.  We are on a time frame.” 

I guess I feel like I have little to lose.  In 5-6 months if he does not schedule a mediator, I will.  I will not leave the state of Florida married to him unless we reconcile and I will leave Fl June 1, 2021.  On that date he plans to get stationed in San Antonio, or DC.  He will decide in August based on if he gets promoted or not.  So if I have to divorce him rather than the other way, I will.  I have to make sure the kids and I are provided for and a FL divorce is much better for that.  Plus, I am moving on in a year and not moving to the same city in TX as him unless we are together.  I have family in another part of TX.  He doesn’t get to leave me in limbo forever.   So my words that we are on a timeframe are true.  He may not understand that once the kids and I move, I won’t chose him anymore.  I won’t get the kids settled in a new home and school and then move them again.

So while he is making progress, the amount of progress needed in the next 6 months(before a d is started) is quite a bit.  Way faster than these MLCers usually move.

One thing I have done on occasion is let him know I am still in the marriage.  That I still chose him.  My thought process is, in our situation he has a decision to make on a hard timeframe.  He cannot just keep me in limbo forever.  So I may as well be clear that if he wants to come home and do right by his family, I want that too.  I also want to make it clear that I will not wait forever. 

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Ggg4life on May 13, 2020, 08:07:14 AM

May everyone have a great time in your little knothole of the world.  I'm happy for daughter 15 too,  :). May your family continue to be formed in a success story of restoration.  I'm praying this for all!  Until that glorious time of all kinds of restoring, I lift you all up in prayer and JOY  ;D in these very challenging times.  God Bless!! GGG

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 14, 2020, 10:05:43 AM
Thank you GGG.

Just had a convo with my h.  He just had some skin cancer removed and just told me.  We talked about d15 handling our split exactly how he handled his mom leaving when he was 15.  He was very receptive to the natural way the convo took place.  Basically d15 is a lot like him and buries her stuff.  I explained to him how important their reconciliation is for her.  My concern that she will repeat his and his moms struggles if healing does not take place.  He completely agreed.  The skin cancer was removed and should not be an issue now.

We had a very friendly and natural chat.  Getting my steps in right now as I type. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Couragedearheart on May 15, 2020, 06:08:07 AM

Where you are is an uncomfortable place. It’s okay to be exactly where you are right now and it’s okay that it is uncomfortable.

I am thereish also.  Although I’m really leaning towards divorce if I’m honest.  It isn’t my job to wait around on people to finally decide to work through their stuff. It’s their job to work through their own stuff and bring a healed as much as possible partner to the relationship.

I set aside some space I was willing to hold open for the relationship to be repaired.....but that too has a time limit.  That’s fine, nothing wrong with that....I have to honor my own limits and boundaries first.

There is no scarcity of anything....suitable partners, jobs, places to live, opportunities to have fun, fulfillment and joy.  It is really okay if you (H) cannot be that person for me or our family......God will provide.....even if what he provided is just me.....I am enough.

You are you are enough....you are perfectly suited, capable and appropriate for whatever the future holds. Believe that.

It’s okay to step back and say....I’m not really certain you are worth all this pain I am enduring for you.

It’s okay to chose you.

It is your actions not your words that your children are learning from.

It’s perfectly okay to walk away if that’s what is right for you and your kids and know that if it’s Gods will he will find a way to bring you back together. It’s okay to trust the unknown to god and make the choices you have in front of you.

And it’s alright to not be ready to choose.

Wherever you are dear friend, is exactly where you are meant to be. God uses every pain and heartache that other humans cause to orchestrate our own person healing, to bring us to a place of releasing all those attachments to anything other than himself. Because that is where the love, and joy, and happiness runs deepest. In that place of knowing that all of life is transient except Him....he is steady, and always there.

So here you are in this place.....so wonderfully and powerfully yourself....it is an uncomfortable place but I think it’s also a good one.

Much love to you.
Courage ❤️
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 17, 2020, 08:41:25 AM
Hey Courage!  I appreciate your words.  I spoke with a friend last night who is a single woman who recently came to Christ.  She had a MLC and is recovering.  I met her on my ski trip months ago.

Your post had me thinking for a few days, is it ok to chose me in my situation.  In some ways for now the answer is no, at least not fully.  I’m having to balance my needs with my children’s needs.  If I could fully choose me I would be moving on, moving home now.

My kids need their dad around for as long as possible and I am beginning to see my d15 work through some of her pain.  She and her dad are going to lunch today, which is huge.  It’s a big reason I stayed.  So that they had to keep seeing him and deal with the pain eventually.  Of course she only saw him when he came over, I never forced visits.

That said, the girl I spoke with helped me to realize that in many ways I am still choosing me.  Not being a doormat.  I Have boundaries and certain expectations if my h is to come around and have certain things that have to be met for reconciliation.

So I really appreciate your post.  Before it and my conversation with my friend I felt I was trapped.  I mean I sort of am in a way for now, but I feel a bit better about it all.  I want my kids scarred as little as possible.  I wish my h would live in the same town as me for my kids sake if we don’t work out.  He won’t.  It makes the stakes much higher.  So many consequences to all of this, including me possibly having a kid live far from me if they ever chose to live with him.  It’s these sort of things that make me want to work the marriage out, regardless of my own feelings.  After they blow everything to the ground it really is hard to find footing again.  I didn’t realize him drawing close would bring up so much anger in me.  Of course he has seen none of it, but it is there.  He gets the layed back chill version of me, which is hard to reconcile because I feel anything but right now.  Though we do have longer and longer conversations about what’s going on in life.  Definitely about the kids and not us, but that comes out too in the course of a conversation.  He does not seem in a rush to get off the phone these days, and I try to stay a bit longer.  Though it is a struggle for me. 

Journaling-My d15 is finally grieving some.  I’m so thankful.  She and her Dad are going to lunch today and then he is coming to hang with the littles.  He did not take the kids this weekend because of his surgery, he was really tired.  So he will be here later hanging out.

My d15 has struggled with anxiety and depression since my h left.  She was finally doing better when quarantine hit.  The shooting here on base exasperated her feelings.  She expressed all of this to me yesterday, though I knew about the anxiety.

Our church starts back today, minus small groups and childcare.  They have many services and clean in between.  For this Sunday we are still going online because s5 has a bad cough still. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 19, 2020, 04:31:43 AM
My h continues a very slow move towards me and the kids.  He helps out, he cares(more for the kids, but me too), he tries to help problem solve when needed.  He is in consistent communication daily.  For the last 6 months we have gotten along well, though it was just a semi friendly coparenting relationship.

I would say in the last three months it has become a friendly coparenting situation and now at the beginning of friendship.

We have had several long conversations in the last week.  Just dealing with life, but sort of beginning to lean on one another a bit.  He called last night to tell me about his lunch with D15.  He told me about some work stuff and we just chit chatted.  Emotionally him drawing closer has been a struggle, but I haven’t let him see that. 

He seems to have a little more depth lately.  I mean he seems more normal and less 15 year old...

I spoke with one of my closest friends about it.  She is a PA and her husband doesn’t like to travel so the two of us and our little kids have had many adventures over the years.  Anyways, she brought up a lot of reasons why I should make sure I want the marriage since My kiddios will all be grown in 12 years and then I will likely spend 30 years alone with whoever I’m married to.

One of the big things is that I love the outdoors, traveling, boating, ATVing, going to the beach, paddle boarding, having friends to hang out with on the weekends, camping.  I do also enjoy being home and keeping busy decorating, gardening, cooking etc.  My hubby is a homebody.  He isn’t one to want to go anywhere besides a restaurant and even then I prefer the patio and he prefers inside.

The thing is before all of this we were best friends.  We talked, we joked, we were a team, we bantered.  I did my outdoorsy stuff without him, but admittedly would have done so much more if I had a husband interested in the same things.

We had the important things in common, God, family and serving in the community.  It worked.  I mean overall it worked.  Then again we also had our kids home and that is a huge thing to have in common.  What happens when they are gone.  Is he enough for me...

I don’t expect any one relationship to fulfill all of my needs in life.  I mean if we served together, had a common moral identity, went on a date night weekly, and had the grandkids/kids over frequently it could be enough.  I mean we always got along well enough and sex was not lacking.  I think if we made a point to do things the other person enjoys and also allowed freedom to do things separately we could have a good life.  I don’t know, I just know if I don’t want the marriage now is the time to sort of back away and keep it coparent/kid oriented.  Of course I am not assuming anything on his part, only trying to figure out what I need to do, want to do, should do.

School is almost over!!!  I am ready!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 19, 2020, 08:22:23 AM
Hi FJ,

OK, sorry about the police visit to your old thread.... I locked it so no one else can post to it and it will go in the archive before too long....
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 19, 2020, 08:59:14 AM
Thank you UM!  Am I supposed to lock it when done?  I’m not sure how.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: UrsaMajor on May 19, 2020, 09:02:09 AM
Thank you UM!  Am I supposed to lock it when done?  I’m not sure how.

There is a button to "Lock Topic" at the bottom of the screen. When you put the link to your next thread into the topic, it is a good idea to lock it so no one comes along later and adds to it... Once you lock it, only you or one of the Mods can add anything to it...
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 19, 2020, 09:29:28 AM
UM, Maybe I don’t see it because I use my phone to post.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Couragedearheart on May 20, 2020, 05:11:53 PM

I’m so glad that you were able to have some clarity and pick apart your choices and find the really solid footing that was there all along.

You are a mommy, so of course what’s in the best interest of your children is part of the choices you have to make.

It’s always a really wonderful thing when we can say....I know my answers for myself as to why I choose this path....it lets a bit of our soul settle and find peace with our decision.

As for the anger.....that seems exactly as it should be does it not? After all anger is our natural response to injustice and as a mommy we advocate for ourselves and our children and it certainly has been unjust to all of you.

Funny how we get uncomfortable with emotions that we have somehow labeled “inappropriate” when the reality of those emotions is that they are universal in humanity....all of them appropriate and fit for company.

It is an uncomfortable place....as it is supposed to be, and that is okay too.

Sending you love and hugs.

You are such an awesome mom and those kids are lucky to have you.

❤️ Courage.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 21, 2020, 10:15:35 AM
Thank you Courage!

So much is going on this week with school ending.  Social distance ceremonies(x4).  Turning in everything for the year and of course finishing school up.  I wish I could post a picture of s5’s k5 drive through graduation tonight.  He is a blondie and so cute. 

I have been thinking a bit about our upcoming 20 year wedding anniversary.  It is June 10.  We were supposed to go on a week long vacation, just the two of us like we did at our 10 year.  I have always enjoyed traveling, but we seldom went without the kids, together.  Sometimes he would go somewhere, or me, but seldom together because of childcare.  I wish it was 19 years, or 21.  I think I will struggle a bit just because of the significance of 20.

We really never leave the house, but that will be changing soon.  We will be living our lives again, but be mindful of others/cleanliness/social distancing.  Not on base however as everything is still shutdown here.  I care about others and I care about my families mental health.  There has to be a balance.  I feel like this last couple of months there has been one thing dictating everything else no matter the cost. 

The women in our family are in the beginning stages of planning a trip here in the states.  Probably somewhere we can drive to and in nature.  We have under 10 women, so as long as we stick to Republican run states we shouldn’t have a problem.  😉

My h is riding with us tonight for the drive through graduation, however I do know he considered riding separately.  Which shows how crazy they are because s5 will be in my vehicle and it is a drive through graduation.  Even still, he considered his own vehicle ::)

The handymen here on base the last few months have only been handling emergencies, so routine maintenance just started back up.  The guy is here fixing a long list and it makes me thankful to live on base for now as I don’t have to deal with much or pay for anything that goes out. 

Today is the kids first day off of school.  The boys have to earn sit down time hour for hour.  The girls don’t seem to want as much sit down time so it’s not an issue. 

My tenants are still unemployed, but for the second month since becoming unemployed they paid rent on time.  I am thankful they have been able too.  They did open the lighthouse here on base, which seems weird.  The beach with wide open spaces is closed, but the lighthouse with tight enclosed space and a shared stair rail is open.

That said, if it’s open I am going.  So I plan to do that this weekend.  The lighthouse is a great place to watch the Blue Angels when they practice.  We really are spoiled with all of the things to do right here on base, or were before the shutdown.  We have an indoor pool, indoor basketball and a gym a block from our house.  We also have a marina, beach, bay, National park, Lighthouse, the Blue Angels, walking trails, multiple parks and a huge air museum with an indoor playground, and a pool on the beach.  I sure hope it all opens soon.  It’s all free for active duty and dependents  except for the lighthouse and these things help to keep us busy in the summer months. 

I have really enjoyed living on this base with a small house to clean, and lawn, and maintenance provided.  The house is nothing special, but it is very convenient.  It’s also the only reason my husband did not divorce me during monster. 

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 21, 2020, 07:08:35 PM
I am embarrassed to write this.  I’m unsure why as I was not involved.  I have always been my husband’s secretary.  I had that skill set and he was never good at follow through to make sure things are taken care of.  I made his resumes, spent a year dealing with the application process to make him an officer, and so on.

He had two wrecks.  He totaled two cars.  We had insurance however FL has kept asking for information.  I did not deal with it, he did.  Several times they would send a letter to my house for him saying his license would be revoked if he didn’t deal with it.  He would then “supposedly” resolve it.

Today a letter came saying his license is suspended and has been since March, I guess he thought it was resolved, but did not check to make sure.  He of course acts like it’s the state being illogical.  Who knows the real issue.  So it took everything for me to not take over and fix it.  It’s no longer my job.  He rode with us for s5’s graduation and was pissy the whole time because of his license.

Anyways, I told him that I’m sorry he is having trouble and left it at that.  He texted later to ask if I would go with him to the DMV so that I would believe him how crazy they are🙄.  I said sure.  He just texted me again to say he talked to the insurance and thinks he has what he needs now and he will call me with the plan....

The thing is, for something like this you do what it takes until you talk to someone who knows what they are doing and then you follow up to make sure.  It’s basic adulting.

Who knows how difficult it will be to get his license reinstated or how he will get to work etc.  I guess I will know more when I drive my 2nd teenager this week to the DMV.  The first got her learners permit and the second is 42 and got his license suspended for being an idiot.

I couldn’t help but feel insecure in my future with him still being the sole provider for our family...  I sure hope he is doing better at work than in his personal life.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 29, 2020, 09:14:21 AM
This quarantine threw me for a bit.  We still hardly go anywhere or do much.  It boils down to, I live in FL away from family and I haven’t been really ready to let anyone in here.  I have groups I was in, but never let anyone here truly in. 

I am ready to do that now and have a couple of women who want to be friends that I have kept at a distance until now.  Both are LBS like myself and have kids.  Until now I have relied on my friends and family back home because they were safe.  Trust was already established.  I have not had the capacity to let anyone in after he broke my trust the way he did.  I trusted him more than anyone in my life and if he could hurt me, how could I trust anyone...

A lot of growth has taken place for me during this pandemic.  It was painful, but necessary.  For the first month we were fine, we got out in nature and stayed busy homeschooling.  But, then I noticed I was struggling in certain ways.  I was lonely and truly alone.  Which put the spotlight back on my h and I had to detach all over again.  Basically being alone with him sort of coming around more reminded me of what he did and brought the hurt up all over again and the grief.

For the last couple of months I noticed that I used many different coping mechanisms, some good and most not.  I walked 5-7 miles a day which was good and did my best to eat healthy.  I spent time with my kids.  I started watching more tv, emotionally eating at night, drinking more than normal and just flat out numbing the pain in unhealthy ways.  None really in great excess, but when you combined them together I was not living the lifestyle I want to live even in a quarantine.

So I decided to find healthier coping mechanisms and I am really proud of myself.  I have once again gotten my eyes off of my h, and even with everything in my life being uncertain, I feel strong again.

I am taking a long break from drinking and have put a limit on the tv.  I have a handle on the emotional eating I had fallen into.  The thing is, none of these things were an issue before quarantine.  But before I got out of control or made habits I wanted to get a handle on these things. 

I have gotten an audible subscription and also started listening to lots of bible studies while I exercise.  I highly recommend Right Now Ministries if any of you have a church that gives its members a free subscription.  It has a ton of free bible studies.  Currently I am listening to Reboot, Crises edition.  Technically it is for people struggling during quarantine, but they have so many great coping mechanisms for any crises. 

 I started running some on my walks.  I do about three miles a day currently.  I also do a 12 minute long workout everyday.  It’s not too intense, just squats and things like that.  Just changing things up a bit has really helped.  Now that I have a tighter handle on my emotions and other outlets, I have not been emotionally eating at night.  Instead I grab a few cucumbers or a cup of almond milk if I need a nighttime snack.

I have plans with one of my lbs friends tomorrow.  She invited us over to her home.  We are still doing church online and no classes which has been hard on us all.  Youth group(2x a week), single parent class, divorce care, Awana’s and Sunday School for the littles have all stopped and not restarted yet.  Those things really helped us all to feel more at home here and have a support system.

The thing is I am starting to learn that I am way stronger than I used to be.  My greatest fear was to be alone and I am beginning to thrive doing just that, with God’s help that is. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on May 29, 2020, 09:28:11 AM
I'm glad that you feel proud of yourself, FJ, bc you should. Picking yourself up, seeing that you are drifting on a path that isn't right for you, taking small and big consistent actions to walk a different path....all takes faith and grit doesn't it? Thank you for the podcast mention too, I'll check that out.....I prefer podcasts to tv watching tbh nowadays  :)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on May 29, 2020, 04:54:32 PM
Joy -
Finally catching up on your new thread.
Following along.

I am glad that you are feeling more comfortable in trusting friends.
I think that's important for growth too.
It's hard to grow in isolation.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 29, 2020, 10:21:51 PM
Thank You ladies!

I made a decision not to go back to work next year.  The logistics were very complicated to make happen before this pandemic, but now the scales are tipped.  The kids may go back to school part time or full time, but either way the slightest sniffle will mean they will be sent home.

I let my h know and he understood.  It actually lets him off the hook because he was going to have to leave work everyday to get my big kids to school.  My hope had been that my d15 could get an early license and drive her and s13, but they don’t do that here in FL.  She just got a permit and must drive with me for a year.  My h has morning meetings regularly so I do think it was going to be a large issue.  It also means my young kids don’t have to go to before care at school.  I’m thankful for that as their days are long enough.  The decision is a large load off of my mind.

Financially I am hoping things stay as they have been for another year, but we will see.  We recently freed up some cash and so things are more comfortable than they were.  We are also really building up some savings again, (his two wreaks last year really took a toll) so I think everything will work out. 

I do plan to go back to work next year whether my h and I end up together or not.  It is yet to be seen if that will be part time or full time.  It’s just about time as my youngest is going to 1st grade and in a year my oldest will be driving.  I am going to let things play out for the next 6 months or so and then I may get my TX teacher license.  It really all depends as I prefer to work part time or full time at a private school so that my kids can attend.  I’m very thankful we have this option for next year as I know many will be working and educating their children(at least part time). 

If my husband does not get promoted in August I think it will really push me into getting licensed and working full time in a year.  Just because it will mean he could lose his job at some point.  I have come a long way with not stressing over these sorts of issues, but they are still the reality of our situation.  I hope he is performing well at work, but to be honest I just don’t see how it would be possible. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on May 30, 2020, 05:51:13 AM
Joy -
I am happy that you will be able to stay home to care for your kids before and after school.
In your situation, it does seem like the less stressful option.

IDK how they can perform well at work either, but mine seems to be doing fine.
That's based on the fact that he still has a job, and that everyone seems to like him.

I'm happy that you've had some peace about your decision.
It makes things so much more --  well --  peaceful!~..

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 30, 2020, 06:14:59 AM
Sea, I wish I could say the same about my h at work.  He should have been kicked out of the military already for not promoting, but because of his field being high demand so far they have given him a three year extension each time he has not promoted.  So this August if he doesn’t promote and is no longer considered high demand, he will have two years left.

My d15 and I have heard him lay into his staff in the same way he used to monster at me.  He curses and yells at them.  It’s crazy.  Anyways, it would be nice if he kept his job.  Trusting God either way.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on May 30, 2020, 07:01:28 AM

So this August if he doesn’t promote and is no longer considered high demand, he will have two years left.

I am not sure, but he will have his 20 years in for his basic pension. His job in the private sector could be really high paying.

My d15 and I have heard him lay into his staff in the same way he used to monster at me.  He curses and yells at them.  It’s crazy.

If he continues to act that way, he won't last in any job for long.

The kids may go back to school part time or full time, but either way the slightest sniffle will mean they will be sent home.

We have developed three different options for our families. Those that want 100% independent study, those that want a blended model where the students are on campus two days a week and study at home the rest, and a four day a week option (Two days a week and two days of intervention/enrichment activities. Of course, trying to do all of this with a 20% budget cut. Hmmmm.

Also we are aware that if we have any cases of covid, the health department will shut us down and send everyone home again. The hardest part we have is that kids miss the social aspect of school and parents have really struggled with the distance learning program. I see the upcoming year in many ways like you do, a lot of options, golden opportunities, and ways that everything can quickly fall apart. I do feel that if we hit the new year running, build the capacity of teachers and site leaders to try and do things differently, and help our parents deal with the adversities they face, we actually may come out of this ahead of where we left off.

My hope had been that my d15 could get an early license and drive her and s13, but they don’t do that here in FL.

I know that they did that in Wyoming and it was only for school and back. It wasn't available in Colorado (Permit at 15 and 1/2 years and you could test for regular license at 16).  If you were in Texas, could she get a special license as well?

The decision is a large load off of my mind.

Those are the best decisions. Now just focus on raising the kiddos and building a life for yourself.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs))))


Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 30, 2020, 08:59:49 AM
Ready!  I’m sure it is really stressful for teachers and administrators alike with all that is going on!  In that way I am thankful I am not teaching full time for my first year of teaching this coming year as it is going to be a shuffle.  You all deserve a medal!

We have not been told what will happen here, though I’m sure the private schools my kids attend will follow the lead of the public schools.  I heard a rumor that the superintendent here says that all kids will be going back to school full time with the same class size.  However nothing is official and of course the private schools could act on their own.  It does make it difficult to know how to move forward.

Yes, in TX you can get a license early to get to and from school.  That said by the time we move to TX next year she will have her full license anyways.  That will help tremendously as she can get herself and her brother to school once she is driving and hopefully I will work where my littles attend next year.

He currently has 12 years in the military as it is a second career for him.  So he has two more moves, or one double tour.  Yes, if he is sane he can make a very good living in the private sector.  Especially if he moves up the latter in the next few years.  He is not just IT, his career is set up so that you learn how to run an entire hospital.  So he has run HR, legal, been the one in charge of the contracting side, security(at the hospital in Afghanistan while also acting as CIO) and now he is the CIO.  So technically if he were on his A game he could run a hospital in 7-10 years.  Which is a very lucrative job, but even CIO at a hospital pays well.  That said, he is not on his A game.  I’m not sure there is even a letter for him...
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 30, 2020, 10:02:08 PM
I just keep wondering how do you truly mend a broken heart...

My heart is functioning, but not whole.  Sometimes I wonder just how long it will hurt.  It’s like that dull ache of a bad knee.  It doesn’t keep you from living life, but it’s always there with you.  The slightest wrong move and you really feel it.  Somedays it feels great and others you are reminded that the pain is still there.

You can’t truly love without risking your heart.  I met up with a girlfriend today and have decided to start allowing new friendships.  I’m not sure why it’s a big deal, but it is.  Letting people past the walls I’ve built up to protect myself.  I know I have too.  I want to truly live again and that means letting people in.  I wonder if this ache will always be in my heart.

None of what has happened can be taken back.  The betrayal is still with me.  How do you trust again after your closest friend and spouse betrays you?  Every time I am overwhelmed, or stressed, or happy or sad I’m reminded that he didn’t chose me.  He didn’t chose us and I just wish that at some point it would all be ok.  It seems like being made whole from shattered pieces on the floor takes quite a bit of time.  I guess it would.

I remember when all of this started and even 6 months into it, my mind was so traumatized.  He gutted me when he left and how he left and the ugly things he said daily.  Our 20 year anniversary is coming up.  I spent 20 years with a man who months ago couldn’t think of one good quality I had.  He looked me in the eyes with hatred and said, name one good thing about yourself.  He said, I really cannot think of one good thing about you.   

I think that’s why this is so hard.  He stomped me into the ground.  He wanted me to not exist, I think he wanted to break me.  Sometimes I remember and all of that pain comes rushing back. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on May 30, 2020, 11:57:08 PM
Ah, FJ....oh my goodness, yes. I remember that feeling.
I was not just hurt, I was absolutely bewildered by it. That anyone, let alone MY husband and best friend, could share almost 20 years of their life with me, be part of my family, and find nothing valuable enough in all those moments to treat me with basic kindness, decency or respect. Decades were not sufficient. Being married was not sufficient. Who I was and how I responded, not enough. That I had never intentionally hurt him or how much I had loved him. That he was loved and trusted by so many people, not enough. Being bereaved, not enough. Having a life-threatening illness, not enough. Why anyone tbh would want to create such destruction without any apparent care for anyone else.

Truthfully, if I think about it even now, there is still some residual bewilderment.
It was SO bewildering bc it was so all/nothing....and I knew that these things and years and moments and love and trust and people and me were NOT nothing. And, after a bit of time, I knew too that all of them were real, that I hadn't drifted through some kind of imaginary life for almost two decades even if it did feel as if I had suddenly woken up in someone else's life lol.
Which eventually made it obvious that it wasn't about me, or my family, or our friends, or the homes we'd created or all those moments of the life we had shared. My h's decision to treat all of it with contempt and to behave as if he hated me had nothing to do with me. He could have changed his life or left me without behaving that way. How do I know? Bc there were plenty of times when his behaviour warranted my treating him with the same kind of hatred and contempt, plenty of them....you too, I'd guess....and almost always, I managed to dig deep enough to not do that. To make a different choice.

Logic helps imho.
Really? Twenty years with someone you chose to marry and have children with and you see not ONE good thing in them? That's ridiculous....I could meet a stranger on the street for a five minute chat and honestly find something good to say about them.....I could find something positive even in people or public figures I don't know or much like.
It is a ridiculous thing to say and even more ridiculous if someone honestly feels that way. And any adult who feels that way is some mix of emotionally inept, mentally ill or ridiculously delusional about life and other humans.

Which is why opening your door a little to other humans is so rational.
Bc it was never about you and most other humans are not that peculiar or warped tbh. And tbh our radar screen blips quicker after this kind of experience if they are, ha ha.

I am some years out now from my losses and heartbroken days. I won't BS you that my heart is magically restored to how it used to be before these experiences. My heart is different now but it is not broken now either; it found ways to repair different bits in different ways, mostly probably by slowly turning my attention away from the bad stuff and towards the good stuff that healed. Which included so many small moments of good people...some of them strangers, some of them new people as well as old. Too many small moments of good to list here tbh....a stranger who bought me coffee when I was crying, a dentist who invited me to meet her sheep, the staff at my mother's care home who recently sent me a reassuring postcard about my mum, my neighbours who leave fishy gifts for Grace the cat....lots and lots of them. Which tbh seemed all the more peculiar that strangers could be kinder to me than my then h....but it did, like Occam's razor, start to show where the problem lay, the source of the metaphorical infection I suppose  :)

There is a saying in the IC field that we heal our deepest wounds through relationship. I suspect that it is true; it just starts small perhaps and needs a drip-drip effect. So, well done to you for trusting yourself and other humans enough to open the door a little so you can let the drip-drip reach you. X
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Maleficent on May 31, 2020, 04:49:48 AM
Dear FJ,
Treasur speaks eloquently about the bewilderment and healing process. I am still bewildered, and can only add nodding along that I have been there, too. I may have written on your thread in the earlier days that I too had a spouse who on exiting and telling me how horrible I was, looked at me coldly and said there was nothing good he could say about me and that was after more than 30 years together. It would have been kinder if they said, as my IC suggested, that it was their issue and they needed something different-to the extent any abandonment could be characterized as kind. More recently, he semi-denied that he ever told me I was horrible, brushing it off as something that doesn't sound like what he would say.  Emotional, like a wild animal, lashing out.

 The vets have taught me about the art of kinsugi- healing broken pottery with gold. I like the visual, perhaps it gives me hope. Yet some pieces will never truly mend.  I have found strength and kindness and love through other relationships with friends and family. Some I have found with new friends, too, but not so closely, they will not find the center of my heart. As Treasur said, my heart, too, is different now.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 31, 2020, 08:46:53 AM
Treasur, you do have a way with words.  What goes through my mind is why do they act that way if it’s not truth, but then I think of what UM says.  Can you taste the color green(or something like that).  In Other words we cannot make sense if it.  So then why are some of those words still written on my heart.  I know to some extent they cannot be entirely true.  But, my husband whom is supposed to love me said them and left.

Maleficent-I have a bowl like that that someone gave me!  It was broken and made all the more beautiful when put back together with gold.  It sits on my bedside table and is such an inspiration! 

I feel the same way as you, I have leaned in significantly on old relationships and talk for hours to those people.  The woman who gave me the bowl is like a mother and best friend in one.  I’m unsure how I would have made it through this without her.  We have lived here for two years in August.  I have hung out with people and many have wanted to be close.  I have pushed everyone away and just kept them as acquaintances.  Normally by this time in a three year duty station I would have a whole group of friends and 1 or 2 really close friends.  I Agree with you that I cannot currently imagine anyone reaching the center of my heart.  There is an armed guard there with alarms, walls and barbed wire etc;). But one step at a time.  I am ready to let these two sweet lbs ladies that live here in a bit.  At least hang out regularly and let the kids play.  Baby steps.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on May 31, 2020, 09:50:06 AM
So then why are some of those words still written on my heart.  I know to some extent they cannot be entirely true.  But, my husband whom is supposed to love me said them and left.
Bc they are cruel words and they hurt.
Bc your little inner child feels like someone really knew you and then decided you were nothing. Which is even worse if you have old FOO experience of abandonment, abuse or feeling judged as not enough.
Bc your little reptilian brain in trauma flails around trying to make sense of non-sense things bc it is trying to work out if you are dealing with a tiger or a rug
And bc you have spent years valuing the opinion of this person and it takes a while to train your brain to devalue their opinion.
All completely normal. Even makes sense in a strange way doesn't it?
I used to say that it genuinely felt like my h went from being a cuddly Labrador to a rabid wolf. Or like zombies on my lawn that no one else seemed to see lol.

Baby steps are just fine and dandy, FJ
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on May 31, 2020, 03:51:06 PM
Too true Treasur!  A teddy bear to a rabid wolf, yes indeed!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 01, 2020, 10:04:21 AM
My AC is leaking and the water is under the flooring.  I am very thankful currently to be living in base housing.  It’s just not the issue it would be if I were in my home and had to replace flooring and at minimum have the AC repaired if not replaced.  This is the second time this month they have fixed the AC.  So there is a good chance it needs replaced.

The home we own in TX hasn’t had any major issues come up since we moved out thankfully.  Our HOA has been in pre lawsuit negotiations with the builder.  Somehow they sold the land that our entrance sign and mailboxes were on to the people who built a home right by it.  It has never quite entered litigation, but things got ugly.  Our HOA was reimbursed our lawyer fees and they are having new mailboxes and a new monument built at the builders expense.  We own a home in downtown Boerne, TX and land is very expensive, still, who does that?

I became a bit nostalgic about our home yesterday as my 5 year old reminisced about how he misses it.  We lived within walking distance of everything and it is such a safe family town.  We lived right on a large trail that took you to the soccer fields, restaurants, the library.  We walked all over town, to the river, bowling alley.  We even walked to date night at times.  Anyways, I have no intention of moving back as it is expensive and I plan to live near family.  That said we had a good life there, a full life with friends, community, my garden, my marriage still intact.  I understand why he misses it, our life had not yet blown up. 

Don’t get me wrong, it never was our forever home, I prefer a bit of land and space long term.  It was a simpler time.  My kids were homeschooled and we spent every Tuesday in small classes with 100 people(moms and their kids) who were like family.  We had a park or pool day every Friday afternoon,  and regular field trips.  Our home was the neighborhood kid hang out.  Our life was good, and it will be whole again.  I have to believe that!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 03, 2020, 11:35:30 AM
So I had a bit of a relationship talk with my h.  It wasn’t planned, it just happened.

I spoke with our family friend yesterday whose wife is in the monster stage of MLC.  We don’t talk often, but I called because he mentioned not having a will to live.  He of course recently found out that his wife is likely cheating.  His attorney told him that she only sees this behavior when another person is involved.  She told him to do a DNA test on his 1 year old....

So when my husband came for his Tuesday visit all of the kids were busy.  He sat down in the living room across the room from me.  Eventually I started telling him what was going on with our family friends.  I guess it was on my mind, and I started speaking in a way that was really talking about our relationship during monster and all that went on.  I told him how devastated our friend is and how hard it is when your spouse suddenly hates your guts, leaves you, cheats on you and wishes you were dead.  Of course the conversation was much longer than that.  Maybe 20 minutes.  I definitely told him all about them while bringing it back to us and how I felt during monster.  I had no emotions throughout the convo, nor did he.

At one point he said, you played your part too.  He didn’t expand.  Probably talking about the times I made him leave(after he had separated from me and moved out) due to him monstering.  Who knows how his brain views the whole thing.

I said, you’re right I’m not perfect, but I did fight for the marriage and want to work through our issues.  You just decided we were done. 

He told me he plans to get stationed in San Antonio versus DC.  He was more firm on that than before.  I told him if he follows through with the divorce the kids and I will likely live near family several hours from there, but we could possibly move to a suburb of Jacksonville FL(a small chance).  He seemed a bit aggravated by that(because he would be so far away(if we lived in FL).

Later I texted him that I do want our family together, but if he proceeds with the divorce I want to keep our relationship purely business after the proceedings.  That if he goes through with the divorce, I will not look back.  I told him I had forgiven him for putting our family through hell.

I told him these things so that he can make a choice knowing full well what the outcome will be.  For me, our divorce is the end.  I will either be in a relationship with him next summer, or divorced.  I did not tell him that last part, but it is our reality.  He gets restationed next summer and I am not following him, nor am I willing to move again after the kids and I are settled.  He will make any decisions with that knowledge.

The truth is I want the marriage because I believe in marriage, but he is currently not what I want, as is.  Though, I would chose him if he tried to come home in faith for better days.  I do see that he has come a very long ways, but he does not have 5 years to bake before his return.  For him it’s in the next year, or never.  If he wants the marriage, our relationship, to be a full time father, he will have to chose it while still in the midst of his MLC.

If he chooses us I am willing to do the work it takes to reconnect and rebuild, but he needs to chose us before the divorce is finalized.  Again, I did not say all of this to him.  It was implied when I said I will not look back after a divorce.  I honestly don’t have a lot of hope because he needs more time, and well, he doesn’t have a lot more time.  We will see how the next 6 months go.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 06, 2020, 02:01:38 PM
Joy -
Catching up.
Your last post made me think a little bit.
I feel like you're giving your H an ultimatum - although you're not.
But, you can't control when or if he will come out of his MLC.
It's not on a switch.
He may not be ready in six months, but in 3 years he may want to come back.
So, my questions to you, would you look back in 3 years (for instance) if you had not given him that time, and regretted not being there for him if you move on?

Just something to think about - not confrontational, but with love and hope.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 06, 2020, 06:07:27 PM
Hey Sea,

I agree with you.  The answer is no.  I will have waited for him for three years alone in a state away from family, but really in one year I will have been alone in my marriage for 5 years, plus the deployment.    Everything in me wants to leave now and be done.  It is taking all of the restraint I have to wait here this year.  To stay in limbo yet another year.  I understand mental health issues, but I also believe in personal accountability.  I am not one that is ok with someone not dealing with their mental health and being a victim for years on in.

The truth is, my biological mom has mental health issues and has never done what it takes to become whole and healthy.  I’ve waited my whole life.  So if my husband doesn’t want our marriage after I’ve waited 3 years with him cheating, monstering, and not caring anything about me.  I will move forward.

I totally get that it sounds like an ultimatum, really it’s just the truth.  He has been no friend to me.  My sympathy has run dry as I struggle to raise my kids alone.  To deal with their pain and abandonment issues.  While I believe he has mental health issues, I also believe he has a free will and made a conscious choice.  I have been through some awful things in my life.  My father committed suicide, my 6 month old nephew died, I was in 12 homes(meaning 12 different families) from the age of 12-15.  The thing is, I don’t use those things as an excuse to behave badly.  To abandon my husband and kids.  To forsake my vows and cheat.  To be a man-child(or woman child).

I am not willing to live in limbo long term.  I understand detach, get a life, but really for me I am in limbo.  I totally get that his MLC lasts however long it lasts, however my stand will only last until we divorce in a year.  So me telling him was my way of letting him know the consequences of his choices.  I was trying to say, I’m willing to work on things and stay married, however if you do divorce me, I will want boundaries in place, it will not stay like this.

Journaling,  I am feeling incredibly done with my stand today.  It has taken great restraint not to inform my h that we will be changing our boundaries.  I have decided to sit on it for a month.  I cannot live like this, playing like everything is ok when he cares nothing for me.  I no longer feel compassion for him.  He is in pain I understand, but the choices he’s made to hurt the rest of us are not ok.

Today my husband told me he plans to try to double tour in San Antonio to be near his kids.  In order for this to happen he will likely need to do a 1 year remote tour in Africa or somewhere like that.  The trigger for me was that he once again said for his kids versus his family.  I never matter to him.  I mean nothing and obviously he plans to divorce me as planned.  He said he is sacrificing for his kids.  I had to walk away.  Seriously, you are sacrificing for your kids by choosing to divorce me and live at least 3 hours from them.  I call that being willing to be a 1 time a month weekend father, nothing more. 

The truth is, I have been raising my 4 kids alone for 4 years, plus his 8 month deployment.  I have no respect left.  I need this to all be over.  I refuse to live like this long term.  So when he divorces me, if he divorces me, I will go my way, and I will coparent in a polite way.  I intend to heal and remarry, there is no question as soon as I am healed I will be looking for a committed relationship.  I am the marrying kind.  I did not chose this, he did.  The only chose I have is to wait years on end hoping for scraps or to move forward, I have always known after three years I would move forward.  Meaning I will not be willing to take him back, I will close that door.  Because for me, I have to have an end in sight.  Even though after the divorce my intention is to move forward.  To close the door on this relationship, I do not believe I will be healed enough to date in 1 year, so that is not what I mean by move forward.

It’s starting to feel like there’s nothing left to fight for.  He’s no longer the man I once knew and if he’s willing to do this to his family, to me he’s not a man of character.  MLC or not.  We are all responsible for our choices in life even if we make them while hurting.

I talked to my lbs friend today who is a year ahead of me on her timeline.  Her husband is openly cheating.  She filed 6 months ago and said it was huge for her healing.  I can see that because she made a choice to leave limbo behind.  But, her husband left her, cheated on her, abandoned the marriage.  So while she’s the one who filed, he is the one who ended the marriage.  Broke the vows. 

If my husband tried to come home 6 years from bd, I have a feeling my words would echo his words to me.  When I begged and pleaded for him to come home, he said, too little too late.  Back at you h.  I can forgive and it is a continuous process, however at a certain point if a person continues to hurt me, I set boundaries and do not allow them into my world except on a minimal bases.  This is no different.  He hurts me.  He hurts my kids.  So I will begin the process of completely cutting him out of my life.  I am considering going completely back to business only after our TX trip. 

This would mean him no longer staying here on Tuesdays, but instead picking the kids up and dropping them off.  Much more to the point conversations, leaning more on texts.  No more joint holidays, he can have half a day and vice versa.  I’m done playing family, but as I said, I am sitting on it for a month before I speak with him.

My husband abandoning me hits on my own FOO issues.  My father abandoned us long before his suicide.  But to a child suicide is the ultimate abandonment because there is no coming back.  My mom also abandoned me.  I chose to move out on my own at 12, however she allowed it and never kept in contact after I left.  That is unless she wanted money, or to have my brother live with me(when I was in college he came to live with me for two years).  So my husbands ultimate betrayal was not cheating, it was leaving.  He left me.  He decided I don’t matter.  I’m not sure for me there is any coming back from that.  The longer he is gone the more concrete the betrayal.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 06, 2020, 06:53:30 PM

I feel like you're giving your H an ultimatum - although you're not.

I don't see it as an ultimatum for him, it is for her. For me, the line in the sand was when she filed for and went through with the divorce. It was my ultimatum and that ended my stand or any chance of coming back together.

My sympathy has run dry as I struggle to raise my kids alone. 

Same here. Taking care of the kids, workings, and managing the entire house on my own while she lived in the study. I just wanted to stop living my life in limbo, I was supporting and caring for someone who was just using me and expected me to take it.

I am the marrying kind.

Same here. I am remarried and we continue to grow together. She was cheated on as well, and we both are committed to each other. I enjoy all of my time with her and we have plans for when I retire in ten years. It is nice to be with someone that cherishes you, values you, and does the little things that shows me how much she cares.

I am not going to tell you what to do or how to feel. You are strong and determined for your family and that is a priority. Regardless of the outcome, I do believe that you will find yourself in the place where you belong.



Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 06, 2020, 07:20:07 PM
Thank you Ready!  Yes, I think you’re right.  It’s more a line in the sand for me.  I’m done if he divorces me.  It’s that simple.

I have stood through monster, cheating and him leaving.  Divorce is the end for me.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 06, 2020, 09:24:33 PM
There’s something different about how I feel tonight.  I’ve thought I was done in the past, but really I knew I wasn’t.  It feels like I’m grieving my marriage because I’ve accepted it’s over.  Like I’m truly done.  Maybe it’s the first stage of being done, I’m not sure.

Something is shifting and I am wondering if my stand is ending.  His rejection today just feels like the end for me.  I’m going to give it time and work through this to see if it sticks.  The way I feel right now, I’m ready to face the divorce and accept that he does not want our marriage, he doesn’t want me.  Forget MLC whatever...he doesn’t chose me.  Acceptance.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 06, 2020, 10:11:07 PM
Joy -
I'm so sorry that you're going through so much pain and rejection right now.
I do believe that we get to the point where we accept their choice and are able to move on.
You sound strong and determined.
I didn't realize your own FOO issues were so tragic.
For that, as well, I am sorry.

Rest on your thoughts.
I know you'll do the right thing for Joy.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: AlvinTheMaker on June 06, 2020, 10:19:51 PM
Hi FJ,

Your thoughts echo a lot of the same that goes in my head. Maybe bit less fire and fury within me, but still, I feel most words you wrote could have been written by me....in some crazy way it is comforting. To know that out there is another person, facing and feeling precisely the same inner struggles. So if you are willing to accept, here's some virtual {{hugs}}.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Standing Strong on June 06, 2020, 10:49:59 PM
Sorry you're having a rough night FJ.

He sounds very lost. I think that has to be the hardest decision any LBS has to really make: Where is the line in the sand, and what comes after?
Terrified me...... don't know how many nights I would just lay there and think about that. It is agonizing.

Abandonment. What they fear most is what they do to us. Such a messed up thing to do.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 06, 2020, 10:51:16 PM
FJ, I think you are wise to sit with how you feel for a few weeks. Not bc I think there is anything wrong with how you feel; simply bc part of being at peace with our choices is knowing what kind of choice it is I believe. Where it comes from, and why, and what the options are. A little time helps with that usually.

I am sorry that your family path to today was such a hard one when you were so young. I suspect though, along with the damage, it has also given you some pretty good survival skills which I hope are helping you now.

That feeling of a shift you describe? That sounds pretty common for most LBS....you do kind of feel it rather than think it imho. Sometimes it comes with a bang; more often though it seems to build quietly until....there it is. And of course what you choose to do with that shift varies with different LBS in different situations. The reality imho is that MLC explains the previously inexplicable but it doesn't change the reality of how it is to live with or around this kind of disregard and rejection from a spouse. I suspect when we detach sufficiently, our commitment to them becomes almost an intellectual one, an act of will or belief perhaps, but naturally we also feel that we are in danger of waiting around for someone who has very little to offer us. Who actually isn't a great kind of human to be around.

Your h's plans are of course a bit delusional aren't they? Or some of his self-created story about what he is going to do 'for his kids' is...I'm sure that is clear to you, just as you say. And how natural it is as a woman and parent to want to take control of your family's life back from the person who seems to be driving off a cliff edge, who seems to value marriage and family the least of all of you. What I would like to remind you though, while you are pausing to muse, is that your h changed the rules at BD.....which means you are free to decide what your operating rules are and will be. You can stand, stand after divorce, be undecided, stand down, be an 'iffer', give it over to God and get on with everything else the best you can.....lots of different choices....and you are entirely within your rights to choose what feels right for you. And that it is ok to change your mind too lol. I don't see you giving your h an unreasonable ultimatum fwiw....I see you wanting to take back some control over your own life and move forward out of limbo. Not very different actually from people making different choices about how they return to some kind of normal life after a period of lockdown....there may be some 'wrong' answers (bc they are unhealthy or destructive) but there are no absolute 'right' answers are there?

Remind us (and you maybe) about the reasons for the current timescale? IIRC a lot was to do with practical things like kids schooling, a roof over your heads and different state divorce laws? I suppose I am asking how clear it is in your mind what you are waiting for.....if only bc being clear in your mind about that may help you reframe the purpose of the next few months and help you consider if those things still hold true and/or if you can make any limbo time feel different in a way that feels better to you? I wrote somewhere, promoted by another's post, that we may share some common experiences here but we all need to find our own medicine....which often means looking hard and honestly at where our wounds are and therefore what we need to heal and rebuild or things we can just stop investing in or let be. Just a thought.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 07, 2020, 08:20:47 AM
Thank you all!  I realize this morning that I was, and I’m sure it will come in stages, mourning the end of my marriage.  I cried all night.  Of course nothing compares to BD and in the light of day I feel perfectly fine.  I did realize my prior timeline is off.  I’ve been alone in the marriage and raising kids alone for four years total.  Including the deployment.

This whole time I’ve been able to put my marriage in the category of, wait and see.  For some reason last night it went to the category of, we are divorcing.  I’m not sure why, or even if it would stick if he tried to come back.  Just a further acceptance that my marriage is over and the kids and I have a long road ahead.

Treasur, I absolutely have been holding on by pure will and due to my beliefs.  Perhaps this is me letting go.  Accepting that even though I cannot for the life of me understand it, he doesn’t want me, or really the full time responsibility of a family. 

Yes, we do have to stay here this year.  It’s complicated, but we need to divorce here for financial reasons.  Even if I started it now, school would start before the d ended and I won’t move my kids mid school year.  Living on base is very affordable and I have healthcare(not that I ever use it).  My house will not go on the market until February meaning I cannot move now and buy a house.  So it would guarantee two moves.  Also, I made a commitment to my kids to stay here this year so that they have a father around as long as possible.  My hope is it facilitates healing for them.  Really every decision I make is about putting my kids through as little trauma as possible.

The truth is, even if by some miracle we rushed a divorce through, I need to stay home this next school year.  It is very likely I will be homeschooling to some degree.  If we divorce I have to work and homeschool my kids.  My s13 wants to finish junior high here and my d15 will be graduating next year(very likely).  She would be devastated if we left before she graduates.  The littles would be fine leaving, but I do want them in Christian school as long as possible.  Also, even though d15 doesn’t talk to her dad, I’m pretty sure if we tried to leave, she would move in with him to be near her boyfriend.  Next year that would not be an option as her dad will also be moving.

So, for my kids and finances staying is best.  For myself alone, leaving would allow me to grieve and move on.  I’m just going to have to be strong this next couple of years....
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 07, 2020, 10:16:02 AM
Lots of sensible, thought through reasons FJ, makes sense....so I guess if you feel a shift but can't make the big moves yet, are there ways you can adjust how you go about living that year so you feel less of whatever you want less of...and/or different kids of interaction with your h.....and more of what helps you heal?
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 07, 2020, 10:30:55 AM
Treasur, that is exactly what I was about to post when I read your reply!

I feel a bit different today than I have in the past.  There is no more, if I do this, maybe he will do this.  I have tried my best to be friendly and warm in the last months.

Now, I will just get on with life.  His reaction to me is no longer my concern.  I will be all business going forward.  I have no intention of being rude, just indifferent.  He is no longer someone I will look at as a part of my life.  Coparent, yes.  Friend, no.  Friendly neighbor, no.  Just business.  If he ever changes, that may change, but so long as he is this person I am done with who he is.

When things happen with the kids; funny things, issues, arguments, jokes, trouble.  I did share it with him.  That is now over.  If he wanted to be a dad full time, he would be.  He is now on a need to know basis.  I have many years of contact with him ahead as my youngest two do not have a phone and will not, but the contact will be different.  Meaning, he wants to be a part time father, he’s got it.  I’m not keeping him in the loop unless I have to. 

Really all of this won’t change much, it will just be a shift in how I relate to him.  I no longer need him and will not have him doing husband like tasks at my house.  I can figure it out myself.  If it pertains to a kids and he offers help, that is different.  If he is having issues relating to the kids, I will tell him to discuss it with them.  I am not his middle man(any longer).  I have tried my best to help my kids and my h to have a better relationship, I will no longer be involved with that.  I won’t bash him, but I will be a neutral observer versus encouraging them in the relationship.

I am waiting to set new boundaries as far as him coming on Tuesday evenings, or holidays.  I do not want to make an emotional decision, or shoot myself in the foot.  We do have a divorce to get through and I want to be on amicable terms.  Also, my kids prefer it as is.  Truly my older two just wouldn’t participate if he leaves with the kids for a couple of hours every Tuesday and my littles would be upset every week.  For holidays it would be the same.  So the status quo it is for now. 

I’m feeling very done with him, but very overwhelmed at what being done means.  This next year seems scary and like a huge mountain.  I have a divorce to get through, many financial obstacles, raising kids alone, very likely I will be working towards my TX teacher license this coming spring and homeschooling.  It all will culminate with a solo move across the country to a new town where we will need to start from scratch again.  I will need a job, house, new church, new schools.  It’s daunting, but apparently without me making a conscience choice, I have reached the point of being done with this person.  It’s crazy because I truly didn’t chose it, I’m just there.  I didn’t even understand my emotions or the trigger at first.  Just, he is no longer worthy of me.  He is no longer allowed to hurt me.  He is no longer someone I trust or want around.  The thing is, I don’t know who he will be, so never say never, I just know who he is.  Who he is, is not who I want.  Who he is only hurts me.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 07, 2020, 11:47:30 AM
I can tell he is walking on eggshells today as he senses a shift.  He is bringing the kids home(only the two youngest stayed at his house last night).  He texted letting me know the plan and then called.

I wasn’t sure if I should answer or let it go to voicemail and text back.  I decided it takes more energy for me to not answer and text back.  He wants to cut s5 and s13’s hair, in my house, it is raining out today.  Immediately d15 says I wanted to cut their hair.  So I just tell him to work it out with d15, but that today is not a good day for him to come inside.  He basically knows he hurt me and wants to smooth it over.  He has every intention of divorcing me, he just wants to still get to be the good guy.  He does not get to be the good guy and divorce me.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 07, 2020, 12:51:59 PM
I remember that shift, FJ. My advice is to go slow so you can learn to sit with the feeling for a little while. Bit like orienting yourself around a new house imho. Not for his benefit, but for yours....give yourself a chance to get used to the feeling of it and the natural boundaries of it.....and after all, you have no obligation to share any of your thoughts or feelings with him now. I get your point about needing to consider the kids feelings but I suspect you'll find there is a middle ground.....and I am not at all surprised if your h feels that something has shifted in you. Tbh I tend to think of my h as dead - easier for me bc no kids are involved and therefore NC - which might sound a bit nuts, but it is pretty close to how it felt. And practically much of what I had and have to do was what I would have had to do if he had been run over by a bus  ::)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 07, 2020, 12:58:05 PM
Treasur, Totally!  In all reality their character is dead, it’s just their bodies still walking around.  A body is not worth much without character.  JMO
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 07, 2020, 04:10:11 PM
Joy -
It seems as if you've eased your mind with your decision that he is no longer the man that you want, as long as he's the man that he currently is.
He probably does sense the shift if your thoughts and actions.
Let him work on what he's feeling.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 07, 2020, 09:15:48 PM
Thank you Sea.  Yes, he has been trying to get back into my good graces today.  So he certainly knows he’s not in them.  I don’t really understand his need to be liked while he ditches me.  I am thankful though, I don’t miss monster.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 11, 2020, 08:27:37 PM
I guess that one tough night was all I needed.  In many ways this quarantine has been great for me.  I have adopted really good coping mechanisms.

For maybe a month of the quarantine I fell into bad habits.  With good habits in place I have been really content.  Basically I exercise a lot and simultaneously listen to really good books.  I spend a lot of time with my kids and cooking/cleaning.  I have set boundaries on things I had struggled with and all is well! 

We head to TX in 2 weeks and will be staying for 2 1/2 weeks.  I’m excited to get away!

My divorce support group does videos and discussions(zoom) in the summer, I really like the content.  It has been helpful. 

My single parent group is meeting next Wednesday for the first time.  It is not currently going to be a weekly event like before.  Still it’s something. 

I did decide to keep visitation the same with h, but I have been keeping my distance.  I realized I was not just upset about his continuing rejection, but also that he plans to double tour.  He wants to settle down, which is what I’ve always wanted.  So to hear him say he is doing it, but without me, was hurtful.  He is perfectly fine moving around the country endlessly.  I guess time will tell what happens.  Trusting God.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 12, 2020, 05:42:48 AM
Joy -
So glad that you're able to get away for a few weeks.
The trip to Texas sounds like a long-needed break.

As for H.  Clarify for me how he's settling down but moving around the country?  Seems contradictive, but maybe I'm not understanding.  Either way.  You feel he's settling down without you, and I'm sure that must hurt, but replay sucks. 

Keep doing well for yourself.  The exercise, audio books, music and support groups seem to make you stronger and help your body and mind. 

We're here for you.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on June 12, 2020, 07:26:07 AM

As for H.  Clarify for me how he's settling down but moving around the country?  Seems contradictive, but maybe I'm not understanding.

Good question, but I think I can clarify,

but also that he plans to double tour.  He wants to settle down, which is what I’ve always wanted.  So to hear him say he is doing it, but without me, was hurtful.  He is perfectly fine moving around the country endlessly.

While he was with Joy and the children, he was content to accept assignments and move all over the place. Now, he wants to do an extended tour overseas so that he can pick a final resting spot and remain until he retires. Of course this is after he divorces which is why it hurts her. hope that explains things.

Yes, he has been trying to get back into my good graces today.  So he certainly knows he’s not in them.  I don’t really understand his need to be liked while he ditches me.

This is on the other spectrum of MLC. As I posted on one thread, the MLCer often states that they want to be "bad" after being "good" for so many years and others just don't care what anyone thinks- especially the LBSer. "This is my time and it is going to be all about me!" However, there are a few that still want to do their thing, but still want your approval. Almost as if your approval makes everything okay and that alleviates a lot of their guilt. "Me and the ex get along better than when we were married" comes to mind.

Just focus on getting ready for Texas and enjoying your time. There are going to be up times and down times, but from my perspective, you have a good plan and your moral compass will keep you on track.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))


Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 12, 2020, 07:55:12 AM
That explains it Ready - thanks.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 12, 2020, 08:39:40 AM
Sea, Thank you for the support!  Yes, what Ready said.  His plan is to double tour after FL in San Antonio.  He will have to do one year overseas to make this happen(probably in between the tours), but if we were still together it would mean the kids and I could settle down for good.  As when the tours are over he will be retiring.  He says he is making this sacrifice to be near his kids.  He actually prefers to keep moving around.

Ready, I think you’re right.  He really works hard for my approval in every way but wanting the marriage.  It does help because we never argue(at least since this past October when Monster ended).  I can tell him off and he won’t say a word(he’s decided I need to vent sometimes🙄).  He just listens and ignores me.  So he really does try for the family now, just on a very part time bases and he doesn’t want it all full time still(or me at all).  When he was over on Tuesday I had him put s5’s balance bike together, have the littles read to him and he cut the boys hair.  So I guess I cannot complain that I have part time help.  It’s something....

Journaling-I was listening to the divorce care videos(they are online videos, but I listen to them while exercising).  The episode was on forgiveness and how it is a process starting with a choice to forgive.  That the feelings come in time.  I have chosen to continue to forgive this whole time and so I haven’t understood why I still sometimes feel such anger towards him.  So I really thought about exactly why I am still so hurt and angry at him at times.  It’s not so much because of all that he’s already done, as I have really focused on forgiveness for that and healing.  I realized it’s because he has left me and the kids to live a much harder, even lesser life.  A life filled with tough choices.

For instance before my kids were either going to homeschool(which they loved, when we were not on lockdown), or do a hybrid school.  This is because we wanted our kids raised with a Christian education.  Now they will most likely all end up in public school, or I will work at a private school and struggle financially because it pays less.  That’s just one issue, there are many.  I flat out am not looking forward to working full time with this many kids and two that are young, however if I don’t at some point I am unsure if I will be able to get a house.  I do have a lot of equity and perfect credit, but they are tightening up on mortgage loans because of the downturn.   

Not to mention, I will have no support system.  I am moving near family but they live way out in the country and I need to live near everything as a single woman.  If I were going to be married I wouldn’t mind living a bit in the country, but I want to be near everything for convenience with all of these kids to haul around.  So again, I have no perfect choices to make.  No easy fix, it will be me with no help getting a sick child from school etc.  The help I get now from him, I won’t get once we move.  He will be 2 1/2-3 hours away. 

I cannot live near him because housing in the good school districts is so expensive.  Which brings me to a full lifestyle change for the kids and I.  My kids would love to move back into our old house in Boerne, TX. 

Before we lived very comfortably, now if I work part time we will have work family balance, but it will be a bit tight.  If I work full time I can see being a bit overwhelmed with it just being me, but we would be financially comfortable.

We had a sweet tradition in place, but now it will have to be done on a dime, if at all.  When our kids get to 7th grade the boys get to take a trip with dad and the girls with mom.  So it’s just a one on one trip.  My s15 and I went on a cruise for 8 days to three different countries.  When my s13 hit the age last year, we put it off because his dad was basically crazy.  Also finances are different. 

The other part was that they would do a senior trip(or mission trip).  So I had to bring it up to h because d15 may be graduating next year and wants a trip.  To be fair h needs to take s13 somewhere first.  I’m sure all of these trips will now be scaled back due to finances. 

So h will plan something with s13, but he gets a lesser life because h did all of this.  Same for d15.  Instead of us being able to afford to go on an international mission trip or travel internationally for her graduation, it will be something we can drive to, or maybe NYC because we can use public transportation and fly. 

So, I realized that I have to start forgiving him for all of these things(and really so many more).  I have to begin naming my grievances and choosing forgiveness.  The truth is, my children will have such a different life than if he had stayed, but I need to begin to get to acceptance in that as well.  I think for me acceptance with mine and the kids future will start with forgiveness.  The problem is, I hate him for this.  For leaving me with such tough choices, so forgiveness will be a process.  At least I finally figured out I am still harboring un forgiveness.  I speak the words I forgive H each day, so I thought I was good.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 12, 2020, 08:59:03 AM
Joy -
Forgiveness is difficult.
You must remember, though, that they did not choose to have a MLC and it is way beyond their control.
I know others believe that isn't true, and that they could have "chosen" not to have an affair, or chosen this or that, but I truly believe that it is something that they are destined to go through given their unconfronted issues and circumstances.
It's not different than confronting someone who has mental issues, really.  It's just not their fault. 

And yes, MLC changes EVERYTHING.
Our comfortable lives, our ability to do things we previously did, our ability to follow-through with promises of trips and outings.
It sucks.
But,remember, time spent with family is more valuable than where you go...
Enjoy your time with your daughter, hopefully H will enjoy his time spent with his son.

AND although a private school may not pay as well, your kids will have the education you want for free, and you'll still have the same holidays and vacations with the kids - that's something that money can't buy.  Just food for thought.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 12, 2020, 02:26:29 PM
Hey Sea!  Thank you for your perspective!  It is always welcomed! Private schools in the area I live now and also in TX only offer half off tuition for employees.  If it was free I could swing making less pay.  It’s tough to make less pay and pay tuition.  Especially when tuition is so expensive.

I do think the MLCer having to go into an MLC is a touchy topic.  I view it a bit differently.  I tend to look at it like, if I eat unhealthy for years, don’t get enough sleep, put too much stress on myself, don’t drink water enough, drink too much alcohol etc.  Or really any combination of those things, I have a part to play if I get heart disease, certain diabetes types, become overweight etc.

However if I take care of myself and my body, but get some sort of disease I have done all I can do for my health.

My husband and most of these MLCers spent years ignoring their emotional struggles.  Mine swept everything under the rug.  He did not deal with his baggage.  I remember him coming back from deployment and he wouldn’t see a counselor.  After a year of him hiding in the bedroom he was no further along in his healing.  Why?  Because he chose not to get help and do the work.  By the end of the second year it was pretty much the same.  Instead of working through his stuff he instead let it build and build until he had an MLC.

I have never had an MLC, but I do know that cheating is something my husband chose.  He may have been half crazy while he chose it, but he chose to turn his back on God, me, our kids, and his family.  I’m sure the desire to leave was overwhelming.  I also fully believe that if he had submitted his will to God’s will he may have made it through without cheating or leaving.  It’s just my belief.

I actually have talked to two older women recently who said that at midlife they had an extreme need to walk out on their family, but clung to Christ and made it through.  So to me, ultimately it is sin. 

Of course I am also a sinner who falls short in so many ways.  So I’m not saying I don’t also fall short.  I’m just saying I take accountability when I do fall short.  I just truly believe in accountability for our choices.  But, I am fully aware many others believe differently and that is quite alright.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 12, 2020, 03:29:37 PM
Joy - I can see how you feel that way, and that's fair.
Either way, it's messed up!

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 12, 2020, 04:54:23 PM
Yes!  It is messed up:/
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 13, 2020, 12:42:23 AM
I'm with you FJ on the importance of accountability. Tbh, not even LBS can heal without it. I have no idea how any MLCer could change their path to a healthier, kinder one until they hold themselves accountable for their chouces and actions. Things like MLC, depression, PTSD may be explanations for why one makes poor or destructive choices....but I don't think it does either MLCer or LBS any favours to convert an explanation into a free pass. What I also think is that MLCers are essentially reactive, driven by short term feelings....so they choose the action but I am less sure that they always intentionally choose the effect if that makes sense. Or have much comprehension of the effect on others bc I don't think they think about it and, if they do, they minimise or justify it. To be fair, before experiencing infidelity and abandonment, I'm not sure I could have imagined all the ways it would affect me or the emotions it would engender so it seems foolish to think that my xh could or did. The most consistent characteristic of someone in this kind of crisis it seems to be is a fine blend of disappearing accountability and empathy; they seem to just not register or care much about anyone else's feelings or needs but their own. And you can't do much with that in any kind of reciprocal adult relationship can you? Essentially your h has decided that his 'happiness' and wellbeing matters more than any combination of you plus your four children's happiness and wellbeing. Hard to respect that in a spouse or parent......

If they start to do their own work and have any chance at all of repairing their own damage, I suspect the early signs of it are that their sense of self-accountability increases followed by some level of empathy for others affected by their actions. Bit like AA 12 steps, I suspect. And like AA, many don't get there or take years bc let's face it, looking at this scale of damage and mess honestly with oneself is not an easy or comfortable thing. Which is why I guess those of us with faith feel deeply grateful to be able to lean on more than just ourselves  :)

So I agree with you that accountability is not a thing to be fudged.
And part of the LBS process too as we start to accept that not all of our challenges or choices are driven by the actions of an MLC spouse....bc imho (been there, got the tshirt) there is a rather beguiling kind of victimhood in the basic unfairness of it all which we all have to work past without flipping too far into a self-blame pendulum which is disproportionate either lol. I have found that it is possible in my PTSD recovery for instance to hold myself absolutely accountable but with a kind of self-compassion that stops it either being an excuse or someone else's fault. And tbh, practically, until you hold yourself accountable with a bit of self-compassion, you have no power to change your choices do you? Blaming others takes away your power and blaming yourself takes away your confidence. Just as true for we LBS imho.....but my goodness, it is hard work to get there  :).

It is a blessing that most LBS are inherently healthy enough as humans that we want to do it so much that we keep trying until we get there, as you see from story after story here on HS. And don't we all cheer when we see others getting there  :) I have no idea FJ if your h will ever hold himself accountable like that but based on your posts I have no doubt that you will reach that balancing point for yourself and your family.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 16, 2020, 09:26:19 PM
Treasur!  Absolutely.  One thing I learned when I had to forgive my mom and dad is that in time you stop equating your life events with being their fault, and take accountability.  It just takes time.

I didn’t like being a victim then, and don’t want the part now.  I think time is the key because I still see a direct line of blame back to him, but I know eventually I will not even think of him and my life will be my responsibility.  Trusting God that I can get there.

He is a hot mess.  Between his suspended license, mental health issues, back problems and weight gain it’s hard not to feel sorry for the guy.  Not to worry, I have super powers😉
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 17, 2020, 12:15:44 AM
Never doubted it for a minute, FJ  :)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on June 17, 2020, 12:22:47 AM
Superpowers indeed!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: AlvinTheMaker on June 17, 2020, 01:30:23 AM
Not to worry, I have super powers😉

You are really awesome, FJ :)   Likely most of us here are ;)

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 17, 2020, 02:58:54 AM
Hey FJ,

Then is this YOU in another role? <grin>

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 20, 2020, 08:03:57 PM
Hi Treasur, Sea, Alvin and UM!  Love it UM!
I just wanted to wish all of the men with kids on this forum a Happy Father’s Day!

My s5 had his birthday today.  His father came over for a birthday breakfast, presents and hanging out.  Really we are celebrating s5’s birthday at the resort in TX with friends, but this was his time with his Dad.  The three youngest left with their dad after the breakfast and will be at his house for Father’s Day through dinner.  So more than 24 hours(never happens). 

Whatever cycling he had done towards me is no longer happening.  We really both just contact one another as needed.  He calls when he needs to, he comes here for kid activities, but that’s all there is.  Same for my interactions with him.  If I need to speak to him I do.  It’s not awkward or weird because we keep it business. 

I will say I don’t exactly treat him like regular male company...haha not that I’ve ever had any.  I’ve just gotten comfortable with him around.  For instance today I got comfortable on the couch with a blanket after all of the activities.  He hung out as long as was needed for s5 to put his LEGO set together, no longer.  That said we casually chatted some, but really neither of us try.  There were a few awkward encounters for him, not for me as I could care less anymore.

My food and drink was already at the table when he sat right next to me.  When I sat down he jumped up and said he didn’t know I was sitting there.  He sat down after a minute and said it’s fine.  Ha, I guess sitting by me will give him cooties.  Later I was standing by his recliner speaking to him.  I was wearing cut offs and his hand accidentally brushed against my leg.  Again, cooties.  I find it amusing. 

My h thinks he has his drivers license issue resolved.  It was just a mix up, but a mix up that he did not resolve in a timely manner causing a huge fiasco.  So it was not originally his fault, but it got to the level it did because he did not resolve it. 

I’ve realized that even getting to the place of possibly being done is a process.  It began a couple of weeks ago, but the longer time goes on the more firmly I feel.  It’s not so much me saying never, or closing the door.  It’s more just, hmm, I don’t need or want him as is.  Also, it’s me beginning to recognize that the unknown is possibly the better option.

It’s the process of being done and no longer feeling pain with that knowledge. It’s Acceptance.  I fully understand the ramifications of divorce are huge and will have to be handled step by step.  I think the difference is that now I’m up for that challenge.  I no longer look at it as a possibility, now I look at it as the very likely outcome. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 21, 2020, 02:09:02 PM
This Father’s Day feels different.  It’s the first Father’s Day that my kids are not here.  D15 is here.  I have not yet experienced holidays without my children. 

Father’s Day at our house was always centered on my husband and his father.  So this is the first year I’ve really thought of my Father much on Father’s Day.  When he died I was 15 and I did grieve.  I grieved because he had never been a good father and now any hope of that was gone.  He did give me my love for nature.

Hug your little ones close if you have them today Dad’s.  Kids need a Father.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: AlvinTheMaker on June 21, 2020, 10:09:36 PM
Thanks for the wishes FJ...

The process of becoming done... I think I get you...For me it is accepting W being part of my heart, but not in my everyday life. Bit like with any loved one no more in my life....maybe it means I'm moving on to other side of grief, just like with every loss... Just my 2cents worth of thoughts.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 25, 2020, 08:36:32 PM
Alvin, I’m glad to hear it!  I have found that at times I believe I am over the grief and there are layers beneath.  So I still cycle.

We are on vacation in TX.  Specifically right now in Boerne.  We aren’t getting to have our normal large lake day with our crew of friends, but we had such a nice day today with the friends we are staying with.  We are exhausted now and going to bed early.

We swam in their pool all day and fed the deer.  I am so blessed with amazing people in my life.  Just good conversation and company.

Tomorrow is a scaled down group event at another friends pool.  Sometimes I forget how blessed we are and then we come home and my cup is filled with all of the love of dear friends and family. 

We are still going to a resort for a few days.  They have really limited the capacity for corona, and taken precautions.  It is our favorite place to go with a different set of friends.  The views, fireworks, s’mores, and pool with slides for the kids.  It’s always such a great time.  We always order food poolside and laze around as much as we play around.

Then we’re off to West Texas for my husbands family.  I’m not really looking forward to seeing his Dad as I feel he dropped me like a hot potato.  He is coming for the kids.  However my sister in law is good peeps and the cousins love each other.

Finally we will head to the lake house for a week of fun in the sun.  We will visit with lots of people we think of as family, do a lot of boating, kayaking and swimming in the pool for July 4th!

My h is watching the dog for all but 3 days of our 2 1/2 week trip, so that’s been helpful.  He is staying in my sons room and getting the mail, etc.  This is the 3rd time he has stayed in the house with us traveling.

I’ve really thought it over and I believe the more hospitable we are the better off life will be pre and post divorce.  It’s a tough place to get too, but I’ve realized keeping things a bit above and beyond really makes life easier.  For instance if he asks to switch days with the kids, it’s almost never an issue, same if I do.  These types of constant little interactions could make life miserable if we are not amicable.

Barring any major spike in Corona I just found out my kids will go back to school next year.  My bigs will likely stay home 2 days a week and homeschool.  The schools made it clear things will be very strict.  So I expect many days of being sent home for a sniffle, but I’m thankful they are going.

It is odd being here.  With a happy family.  I mean it’s nice, but also a bit sad.  Why don’t we get that? 

I will be seeing my lbs friend who is so devastated the last week of our trip at the lake house.  I was able to plug him into our now online divorce care classes.  I think it’s helped him some.  It’s like there is a gravitational pull to anyone who has been through this.  You just want to take away the pain, but of course you can’t.

Tomorrow I will drive by my old house(technically still ours, but with tenants).  It feels like another world.  Another life.  But we lived their not even 2 years ago and I had no clue what was coming once we moved to FL.  2 years ago I had a husband and a semblance of normal.  I had no clue my world was about to be upended.

I prided myself on our happy family, it was the center of my life.  Now, here we are. 

Anyways, tomorrow will be another day of fun in the sun with dear friends.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on June 25, 2020, 10:58:29 PM
I do admire your ability FJ to see the wood for the trees and adapt to it; it's a real life skill  :)
Your vacation sounds lovely for both you and the kids, a really nice change of scenery and some nice folks to hang with.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Father5 on June 26, 2020, 11:30:00 AM

   You always make me take a second look at how I am acting towards my STXW. I still have a lot of growing to do. I find myself being angry sometimes as the divorce draws closer. She has met a rich man and are moving in together with the kids to a new house. It's been more than a little hard for me to process. I am waiting on the Karma bus any day now:). I wish I could truly let go, but like you my family was everything to me and now it's in shambles. I do think as the divorce goes through I will have some sense of closure. I will be able to hold my head up high and say I did everything I could for my family.

  When I read your post it always makes me think I could do better !

  Thank you
God Bless !
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on June 27, 2020, 11:23:23 AM
Thank You Treasur! 

Father, you are certainly not alone!  We all struggle with those feelings.  I go in stages, but it is getting easier as I find the feelings are becoming mutual.  He walked away and didn’t want his family and well, I no longer find myself thinking much of him.  That is of course outside of logistics and overcoming the obstacles that we now face due to his choices.  Those things make me think of him, but not fondly.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 08, 2020, 07:22:22 PM
We are at my family’s lake house in Waco.  We had an amazing 4th with tons of fireworks, food jet skiing, and tubing.

We have had an amazing time in TX. 

I did get the chance to encourage another lbs, the one who’s wife left and is in Monster.  He is 5 months in.  We all went swimming in the pool and he cried a lot.  He’s not ok and it is just so sad.  I tried to encourage him, but I don’t know if I helped.

I haven’t decided if we are going home.  We have been in TX 2 1/2 weeks.  My h watched the dog at my house for the last couple of weeks.  This is significant because he just called and said he is in quarantine.  3 of his staff have covid.  They believe he is a carrier, the tests are not in.  He’s not sick, but may still be spreading covid.

Anyways, he plans on deep cleaning, but we may stay here an extra two weeks.  It’s a problem because my parents just sold the front house at the ranch, the main ranch house is currently in transition with no furniture and being remodeled.  No AC.  The Arkansas house just sold as well and the lake house is great, but I don’t want to put them out for that long.  They live at the lake house. 

So we are kind of homeless.  I want to book a cabin in TN, but I’m not sure what’s open etc.  Really, we are tired and ready to go home. 

If we go home I would deep clean and he plans to deep clean.  We would be stuck in quarantine. 

I still do struggle a bit at times.  Not so much missing him, but missing a partner to do life with.  Normally I am perfectly content.  While here I looked at some areas for us to possibly buy in next year!  I’m so very excited!  Lots of houses with pools, with a bit of land and great schools.  Also, I can afford them if I work:).  We have great family here and support.  My oldest 2 can hunt and fish with Papa. 

The truth is, God would need to change my heart in order for me to take him back now.  I feel over him, but not necessarily completely healed.  They are two separate things.  Anyways I have continued exercising while on vacation.  Thankfully the people I have stayed with also exercise and eat healthy.  Though we have certainly splurged some.

We get up at 6:30am(before the heat, or my kids wake).  We walk the lake which is beautiful for 5 miles and then do our workout videos.  Of course we talk the whole time which is wonderful. 

I have to say, the tides really have started to turn with me and my MLCer.  His birthday and 4th plans were canceled.  Before that he was out for weeks with back problems and now quarantine.  I think he can tell I’ve let go because we talk like old friends now, but only when I need to talk to him.  I want peace, I want to have a good life and that means getting along with my ex.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Standing Strong on July 08, 2020, 07:35:42 PM
You sound really good FJ  ;D

Glad you had a fantastic 4th, you truly deserve it.

So you found another LBS...... funny how we can identify it instantly now eh?

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 08, 2020, 07:53:52 PM
Hey SS!  Thank You!  It’s the one I’ve talked about.  Actually grandma went out of her way to have us come over when he was around with his three kids because he is struggling.  He sees no light still.  I tried to encourage him in Christ. 

I remember feeling like your life is circling the drain.  It’s so tough.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: AlvinTheMaker on July 09, 2020, 05:45:40 AM
You are sounding so good FJ  :)  Lots of same in our paths and thinking these days.... 

I'm dead jealous of the way you describe your home area. Lakes, hunting, fishing, land, ranch...  part of me is still crying the fact that I have to give up on all that because all alone I have no shots for rural life (and another part is excited about the upcoming chance)....  But maybe 5-10 years of city life would leave me with enough resources to get a small ranch or similar even if alone (and who knows, maybe I'd find a  pretty countrygirl to join me;  at least that's my hope).

Kind of funny many how many of seem to stumble with other LBS in our lives, and then paying-it-forward to best of our abilities... I do feel for sorry for him, Five months in is really crappy place to be.

Keep going FJ, you are absolutely fabulous :)


Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 09, 2020, 11:12:12 AM
Alvin, yes I completely relate.  I personally wouldn’t live too far out in the country while single.  It is a blessing though to visit! 

Ha!  I wouldn’t mind eventually settling down with a good ol’ country boy myself eventually!  My family is all about the country life.  My h is what my family calls a city boy.  I prefer being out in nature mostly, but also enjoy a good brunch with the girls.  So I guess I’m a mix.

You will find your way. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on July 09, 2020, 08:08:32 PM
That must have been quite an experience to be helping someone who is 5 months in. While I'm sure it brought back a lot of memories for you, it probably also showed you how far you've come.

You're doing great - especially in taking care of your kids during very unsettling times.

Nice to know there are ladies out there that appreciate us country boys! :)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 11, 2020, 07:13:45 AM
PJ!  For sure!  I’m sure plenty of ladies like the outdoor type:). I just read your post.  I know it’s got to be hard adjusting from a family at home to just you.  Your time will come.   :)
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 23, 2020, 10:02:41 AM
We will have been home 14 days tomorrow.  We have kept to ourselves this last two weeks because we traveled out of state and also my h stayed here and was a covid carrier. 

My h now says he will be here in FL through July or August of next summer, which is good because it gives the kids and I options of when to leave, versus a hard date.  The kids school got pushed back by a couple of weeks, so who knows when the last day of school will be or what this year will hold.

I asked my h if he is on antidepressants, he said no.  I think that’s a good thing at this point because if you stay on them past the point of really needing them they just numb you.  I want him to feel his choices.  He seems so emotionless about our family that I thought he was on them.

I volunteered to sub some at my little kids school.  I figure they will need extra subs this year.  I’m looking forward to it!

My lbs friend/framily says I was a true inspiration when we met in TX.  That I showed him that it is possible to get through this, and that my demeanor was so joyful and positive.  I guess we really do get to a better place in time.  I did tell him that most days are good, but even now some days are hard.  Just the breakdown of the family and the senselessness of it all.  Having LBS in your life is key to getting through this, though I am careful not to get too close to him because he’s a he. 

I will admit there is a draw to other men now, there wasn’t before.  That said, I keep a safe distance.  I’m ready for limbo to end and to get on with life.  That won’t happen until the divorce is not only started but finalized.  I don’t expect the process to drag on once it starts.  So probably a few months at most.  I am going to wait to bring it up until late fall.  If he doesn’t bring it up, I will ask him to find a mediator and start the process.  I want him actually starting the ball rolling, but if I need to push him a bit I will.

I would make the marriage work if he tried to come back right now, regardless of my current feelings.  So we have a bit of time for him to make things right before divorce proceedings start.  What I’m not willing to do is stay married forever which puts me on a leash while he’s out doing as he pleases.  He either comes home this year, or we will both have the freedom to do as we please.  I’m conflicted as to what I actually want.  On paper I want him home, emotionally I want to move on.  I do believe my emotions can change in time and so I would chose him if he repents before the d.

I will say however, I feel more and more like he is in my past and my future is ahead of me.  He is becoming an old wound that I think little of outside of my circumstances still being completely tied to him.  This school year he will either come home, or we will divorce.  It’s freeing really.  I’m done with limbo, he either choices us, or he doesn’t, but there are no take backsies on the divorce.  If he does it, it’s for good. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on July 23, 2020, 05:26:14 PM
Congratulations on making it through your 14 days! I hope you are able to get out and enjoy the world a little more tomorrow.

What I’m not willing to do is stay married forever which puts me on a leash while he’s out doing as he pleases.
Uh, yeah. That sucks. I'm glad you respect yourself. The things you wrote about how you feel about your marriage are really similar to how I felt about mine last summer before XW filed. In my case, the limbo and waiting for the axe to fall were worse than the actual divorce.

I hope the aliens return your H and everything works out the way that's best for your entire family. But if he refuses to pull his head out and winds up divorcing you, please know that you will be OK. Divorce hurts like death and it's a bumpy ride, but I know you will come out on the other side OK.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 24, 2020, 10:57:53 AM
Thank You PJ!  I do think it comes down to learning to love and value ourselves enough to say enough is enough.  Self love.  That is whether he comes back or not I guess, just knowing our worth and value.  Which for me was never in question before bd.

It has taken time for me to get to a place where what I want also matters.  Not just what’s best for everyone else.  My needs and wants are also beginning to have some weight on my choices.

Journaling-I don’t have much to say, it’s a rainy day and so we are doing chores.  My s13 and his friend slept in a tent in our backyard last night, it collapsed in the night because they didn’t set it up right;). My h is sort of lurking again.  He is calling more and he stayed 22 minutes past 7:30 on Tuesday...haha.  He always leaves right at 7:30, so when I arrived home at 7:32 I had expected(hoped) he would be gone.  So there you go, father of the year:).

We are on track to save quite a bit this year.  I am excited about that.  Time is going slow right now with so many things closed.  We are mostly home.  I think it is good for my h to process things, he really has to just be alone with himself a lot.  We don’t have relationship talks, but sometimes I decide to throw in a line or two during a conversation.  We were discussing logistics of when he will leave FL, when the kids and I will leave, and the possibility of the military moving the kids and I to TX.  He hardly has anything to move.

Anyways, at the end of a friendly conversation I threw out, or you never know, you could start making your family a priority.  We could all move back together.  I guess we will see.

He’s far enough along in his journey that I know he questions his choices.  I know it will be hard for him to go through with the d knowing we will not live nearby.  I can sometimes tell that he is weighing it when I say something like this.  I guess I just cannot help myself, so I must really want the marriage to work deep down.  If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here(in FL).  I think me saying things like this sometimes surprises even me, because I feel so detached.  I think it boils down to my belief in making your marriage work.  To being a good role model for the kids.  Also, I feel like there are no guarantees for a second marriage to work out. 
Title: Re: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Milly on July 25, 2020, 03:08:59 AM
Just caught up, Finding. I'm happy for you that you have until next year in your current home, so there is no immediate pressure to make major decisions and find a new place for you and the kids. Great that you are going to manage to save this year. I think being in control financially really helps us to feel more in control of life and therefore also of our own personal decisions. At least, that's how I experience it.

I think there's nothing wrong with you having put out the feeler that you could all move to TX as a family. They do tell us to not have R talks, to not sound needy, to not be their anchor sitting waiting for them, however, I don't think you come off that way. You sound quite strong and yet light around your H. They do need to know that option is open to them. As long as you keep doing your own thing and becoming more and more yourself during this time, nothing wrong with the odd truth dart or affirmation.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 25, 2020, 11:50:38 AM

Thank you for your kind words!  Beginning to do well financially makes all of the difference.  This is all so stressful and not having a footing under you feels overwhelming.  So having money in the bank to pay for the oh so many things we have ahead of us this year helps a lot.

The sad thing is, we would be in a great place financially if he came home, but with him gone we have to pay for a d, and of course finances are halved and expenses are doubled.

I don’t feel needy at all, so I doubt I come across that way.  It’s weird because I really don’t care how I come across to him.  I’m just me.  I’m not trying to do what an LBS should do, I’m just being myself.  He either chooses me or not.  Truthfully, I live as if he’s not coming back and so my choices are made with that in mind.

The mind and heart are so complicated.  He is coming over for a bit later to help s13.  I don’t want him around because it’s like having a guest over.  Yet, in theory I say I want the marriage to work.  I don’t even understand me...

I guess I want the end result but not necessarily the years it takes to get there, especially with no guarantees.  Once those rose colored glasses are off, I’m just not sure how to see him in a good light anymore.  Anyways...rambling.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: 3Boys4Me on July 25, 2020, 03:50:52 PM
Oh FJ,

You are not rambling! Not at all, just over two years in from BD, you loved this man for 20+ years, you have four beautiful children. I think it would be unusual if you didn’t have these thoughts, feelings, anxieties! 

It is hard to stand when you see their behavior and know they aren’t acting worthy... that’s when faith really comes into play. When you know this person you see now seems like a foreigner in a strange land. Being confused, loving him while not loving him, all completely normal. Not wanting him in your house? That’s normal too.  You are doing well, so strong, raising those babes of yours, keeping the world together for yourself and others.  You are doing great. You deserve to be proud of yourself.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on July 28, 2020, 02:23:06 PM
Thank you 3boys!  I appreciate your words.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 04, 2020, 04:01:07 PM
It’s Tuesday night.  I wish my MLCer had more wacky moments sometimes, but really he’s just boring.  If he did, Tuesday could be called wacky Tuesday:). If you’re going to lose your marbles, at least leave some funny stories in your wake.

Anyways he’s here.  My d15 and I have gotten into the habit of making dinner for h and the kids and leaving on Tuesdays before he gets here.  We go shopping or to our favorite fancy restaurant.  Tonight I am hauled up in my room.  I told him he could warm up dinner for him and the kids via text.  I don’t feel like seeing him or leaving.  Apparently he brought something for me and called me down.  I sent the kids down as if he had called them.  If what he brought is worth telling I will add it to my post once I know.

I read some unnerving articles last night about obstacles in 2nd marriages, especially with many kids involved.  Raising step kids and ex wives.  It can all be really stressful and it really made me think I may chose to stay single for many years unless just the right person comes along.

In October it will have been 2 years since he broke my heart, I could prove he was cheating and he moved out the first time.  The worst day-months-year of my life.  That was not the day I lost my husband, but it was the day I found out I had lost my husband.  His heart had been far from me for two years prior to that.

Anyways, reading those articles brought further clarity into exactly the predicament my MLCer has left me and the kids in.  I have four kids.  Moving on easily is not likely to happen.  Not to say opportunities wouldn’t present themselves, if I were open they already do.  More, I just currently cannot picture melding families and juggling schedules, family rules, ex’s, cultures.  I’ve always wanted to adopt, but sometimes step kids hate you or your kids don’t get along.  It’s so messy and not what I hoped for.  So, those articles gave me a dose of reality.  I’m likely going to be raising my kiddos alone for some time. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Standing Strong on August 04, 2020, 04:24:41 PM
Hey FJ  :)

Cycle high, cycle low...... and lows always around markers in time, or special events (well, former special events).

This moment will also pass, and a better one to take it's place.
Your H will still be there, one way or another. He's the dad so it's not like he's going to *POOF* and not be about in some capacity.
In there is hope. The passage of time, the mending we can't see.

I laughed when you sent the kids...... "you, kids.... go see what he brought"... LOL!!

I hope when he does wake up, that he chases you to the ends of the earth.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 04, 2020, 04:58:14 PM
SS, he may find I’m a fast runner:). Thank you😊
Yes, he will be living hours away.  So I don’t see him being particularly helpful.  Maybe I’m being pessimistic today, but really he will get the kids at all of the fun times.  A weekend a month, probably every other holiday, and a month of summer.

No hauling kids, homework, chores or real parenting.  Just the occasional fun visit.  In my mind that leaves me raising the kids alone, with his financial help.  He can easily remarry without worrying how it will effect the kids, because let’s face it, they aren’t going to be with him much.  He’s left it to me.

He got me to come down.  I had asked him to work with s6 on tying his shoes.  He’s never tried because he’s never had shoes that tie.  H taught him how and so I of course had to go down and see.  He brought me a large mason jar of homemade strawberry moonshine.  H’s  friend makes it and gives it to him sometimes.  I guess my stock has increased because last time I only got a small amount.  😉
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 18, 2020, 05:12:10 PM
So not much new with my MLCer.  He’s here right now and does seem somewhat comfortable being here, but truly makes no effort with me particularly.  As Acorn would say, I’m a piece of furniture.
He is quick to respond to texts and things about the kids or business etc.  I do think he is showing a bit more of an opinion about the kids.  That’s probably a good thing.

I got some news and it is good news, but it also complicates things.  I prefer things to be clear cut.  My 4 kids got lifetime school choice scholarships to be able to attend some great Christian Schools here in FL(technically any school).  It goes through 12th grade.  Also if we stay their college is free.  We already have some of their school through the military so if any wanted an advanced degree, if we stay it would be covered.

It’s complicated because my heart is in TX, but I do love our church here and we could move to live close to it and close to an amazing school I love and could work at.  The principal was my Sunday School teacher and half of the staff works at my church.  So I could work where my kids go to school and I love the Classical Model of education.

So those are the good things, low property taxes, no state tax.  Affordable homes.  The problem is, unless I have a change of heart, I just want to be near family.  How high is too high of a price, I’m not sure.  It’s that feeling of wanting to be home and being unsure if I will ever consider this place home. 

The pool on base opened back up as well as a dock for my kayaks and paddle board.  I am so excited because now once school starts for my littles I can paddle board easily after dropping them and it’s right near my house.  The beach, parks and on and on are still closed. 

Also, our church will open back up full fledge(with a ton of rules) mid September.  So I expect the isolation to ease up. 

I got a second call about my house in TX.  The value is sky rocketing in a seller’s market with interest rates so low.  It’s not for sale, but friends of neighbors know I am renting it out and the pictures are all online(from when I listed it briefly a few years ago).  There are few houses available in downtown Boerne right now, which is where it’s at.  Anyways, my tenants want to stay, but if the market is still hot in the spring when their lease is up I will sell.  My h seems good either way.  I told them as much.

Anyways, I’ve continued my bay walks and listen to a lot of Audible books while I walk.  I need to get back to my daily workouts as well...
We’ve been eating a lot Mediterranean foods lately and I love it! 

I don’t know, on paper we should stay here.  I live on a base, who’s to say if we got a house near all of the things we love we wouldn’t love it here.  Great people.  It has a sonography program for my daughter.  I just want to go home....

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 18, 2020, 06:25:31 PM

As Acorn would say, I’m a piece of furniture.

On a positive note, he used to see you as a doormat. Hahahahaha

The nice thing is that you have options. You aren't forced into a course of action out of necessity. Either choice that you make, you will be in a better position. Florida has a lot of positives, but so does Texas. Both have low taxes (don't even get me started on that! I am in California) and I think you can find a good life in either locale.

What would your kids prefer? After all, your choice will have a major impact on their lives as well.

Keep going strong ((((Hugs))))

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 18, 2020, 08:00:58 PM
Hey Ready!  Funny...🙂.  Compared to CA everywhere has low taxes!  It is pretty though.  Well, in TX property taxes are very high and everyone is moving there so housing is getting very expensive.  I think we paid $8000 in property tax last year, to me that’s a lot.  Here in FL taxes are practically nonexistent.

My d15 wants to stay because of her boyfriend  ::).  Otherwise I think the kids are somewhat flexible.  We all miss family.  Either place will be good:).  In TX they could be much closer to their father....
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 24, 2020, 07:21:03 PM
My MLCer had a little event.  I’ve mentioned before early after bd he totaled two vehicles.  In one wreck he hit 1 vehicle in another 3.  Then he kept not paying his toll fees(that were tiny).   Next he didn’t do what he needed to do to prove insurance for those wrecks(he has insurance, I pay the bills) so he lost his license.  He finally did what was needed to get it back so I thought the driving issues were done.

The man literally has no responsibilities as far as bills.  I pay all bills.  Also, he has access to the money if he needs some.  So it’s not about money.  He just does not carry through with his responsibilities.

D8 is sick with the stomach bug so I asked him if he would run d15 to where she wanted to go.  He was on his way and gets pulled over on base🙄.  It should be no big deal, but of course he hasn’t registered his vehicle in over a year.  So they tell him they will have his car towed.  I guess he talked them into giving him a bit of time to run home and register online.  They took his military Id and his command will find out about this.  It worked out and he didn’t end up getting his car towed.  They gave him his id back.

All over something that takes 5 minutes to do and wouldn’t come out of his budget.  So crazy.  They truly do act like irresponsible 15 year olds. 

It looks like our area may miss out on the hurricane.  2 days ago we were in its direct path, but if it stays the course it will miss us.  Praying for those who will be effected.  My littles are supposed to start school Wednesday...fingers crossed 🤞
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on August 25, 2020, 04:23:31 PM

so he lost his license.

That could have caused a lot of issues for him too!

registered his vehicle in over a year.

Another big no, no.

It looks like our area may miss out on the hurricane.

Good, I only dealt with a hurricane once and it wasn't a big one. Ended up in a shelter and it really sucked.

My littles are supposed to start school Wednesday...fingers crossed 🤞

Let me know how this goes for you. Are the kids and staff practicing social distancing? Do they have to wear masks? We are applying for a waiver to allow the students to be back at school, but we have to have a plan, have barriers in place, take temperatures, and everyone wears masks. I am just seeing how other states and schools are coming back.

Thanks and maybe you need to enroll your h back in high school while you are at it!

(((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs)))


Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 25, 2020, 05:24:12 PM
Hey Ready!

My little kids school is a small Christian school with typically 9-12 students in a class.

This year they have 4 assigned entrances and parents are not allowed in.  They installed a major air purifier throughout the school and hand sanitizing dispensers, water refill stations versus water fountain.  They also clean a ton.  2nd grade and up is highly encouraged to wear a mask.  Particularly in the hallways.

Recesses are spread apart, lunch is in the class, the teachers rotate to the students versus the kids switching classes.  No extra events are happening.  We usually have quite a few.  Chapel is live-streamed to the classroom.  Temperatures are checked and questions asked each morning.  If your child has a sniffle basically they are supposed to stay home.  Their school let us choose 9 weeks at a time but no hybrid, either in person or online.

The big kids school did partitions, masked while walking the halls only.  They rearranged every classroom, cut contact sports, and if a parent enters they must have a mask.  They have an awesome setup.  Basically the classes are live streamed via zoom and so long as they do at least 5 hours of work per day(and of course keep up with their work) they go to school when they want and stay home when they want.  But again they go to a small Christian school with small classes.  So if they are staying home I text the teacher(who is in regular contact with me) to let them know.  They check in several times a day with the teacher and submit their work.  So far my kids go half and stay home half.  It was supposed to be more regimented, but they have been easy going.  My son got sent home day 3 for 3 days because his friend exhibited symptoms.  He was expected to stay home until his friend was tested.  His friend was negative.

My daughters dual enrollment classes are live-streamed completely online.  It’s been great because she is only 15 and I did not want her on campus with kids 18+  My big kids love the new setup except the lack of contact sports/field trips...  I feel sorry for my little kids.  They still get art, recess, pe, computer and Spanish plus the basics.  However none of the fall festivals, sports, class celebrations and traditions.  We usually do a really cool 1st grade circus(my d6 is 1st), none of that this year. 
Title: Re: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Milly on August 27, 2020, 01:09:24 AM
Finding, seems like your kids go to a lovely school and they're making it as easy as possible for the kids and the parents. I know your youngest is not getting to have the traditional start of school activities, but hopefully, she'll get many in the years ahead. Your teenager, however,  is having a really positive experience.

It's a bizarre year for sure. I think we LBS are better at handling these new worlds because of surviving BD. We may not like the new problems thrown on us, but we just get on with it.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 29, 2020, 06:26:39 AM
Yes, exactly Milli.  We just sort of get on with it.  I’m thinking after what we go through with our MLCers nothing seems like a big deal.

I spoke with my h last night.  There is a chance he will be staying here an extra year.  So leaving summer of 22 versus 21.  He basically offered up us staying put as well and waiting on the d.  I’m not feeling it at all currently.  I no longer want to be in limbo.  I told him if he still wants to go through with the divorce we need to figure out when to start the process.  I am going to have to remind him and keep him on schedule.  It’s odd because he wants to divorce, but hasn’t even thought about it.

So we agreed to getting a mediator in the new year.  Basically I said does the New Year work and he said yes.  I will likely be the driving force, but I will let him get the ball rolling.  I also made it clear this is his divorce.  I don’t know.  I have waffled some about staying in FL.  That said, if we stay, I don’t want to stay in limbo.

Someone contacted me about my house.  It’s not for sale, but she seems pretty interested in our neighborhood.  It is a major sellers market right now in most of TX, if not the US.  Prices have gone up significantly.  Which seems odd with so many out of work.  Anyways, I’m hopeful it works out.  It would save a lot of time, energy and Realtor fees.

Now that the kids are all back in school and the easy access area is open, I am paddle boarding.  It’s been nice!  Have a great weekend💕💕

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Standing Strong on August 29, 2020, 03:41:58 PM
Hi FJ  :)

Not that I'm an expert, but just to throw out there..... like you said it's a sellers market right now, prices are sky high.
I really want to buy a home, but there's no way I'd pay these prices. I watch (and read) a lot of market material and many of them think there will be a big downturn once COVID is over and all these people (landlords) who haven't been paying their mortgages can't hide behind the foreclosure protections which are currently in effect.

I know I'm going to be looking for a house next year (or the year after) especially if we see a 2008 style hit on real estate.
Just a factor to consider too.

Gotta look out for each other.

[Rolls dice] "Com'on baby, daddy needs a 3000sf home at fire-sale prices!!!"  ;) :D :P

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on August 29, 2020, 04:17:41 PM
Yes Standing I agree!  That would be nice😊!  My hope is also to sell high and buy low.  I agree that this cannot last.  Thankfully I’m not currently looking to buy, but to sell.  My renters are in it until February, (they are also interested in extending their lease by two years, they will have been there 2 1/2 years in Feb.) so that is also an option.

We will see if it works out to sell it even with the renters in it, if so it will be a major blessing.  Otherwise I will likely list it in February(hopefully the market is still hot then). 

I do think if my h stays here an extra year he likes things just as they are.  Us here, me raising the kids, him being “the good guy who provides”, and me being on that shelf.

He however has no interest in the marriage, he just wants us here while he’s here.  Anyways I guess only time will tell how it will play out.  It’s tough because I really do want to move on and be out of limbo next summer.  However I also do see the benefits of staying in the current arrangement an extra year.  Particularly because the kids won’t live 12 hours from their dad and also financially.

However, I’m ready to put the divorce behind me.  He isn’t choosing me and I don’t want to stay married forever if he’s not committed.  I believe in marriage, but not at any cost.  Waiting in never ending limbo while he cheats and lives like a 15 year old is not my dream marriage:). Staying married keeps me hanging on to some degree of hope versus moving forward.  Particularly because of my beliefs.  I’m ready to start a new life and feel like as long as he is both not choosing me and not divorcing me that cannot fully happen. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: PJ Will Be OK on August 29, 2020, 10:29:47 PM
It’s odd because he wants to divorce, but hasn’t even thought about it.
Amazing, isn't it? Very familiar.  It's all about the path of least resistance.

You sound good FJ. Realistic and pragmatic. Glad you're getting some paddle boarding in. Be good to yourself!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on August 30, 2020, 09:52:41 AM
Joy -
I agree that it sounds like he wants you right there, available where he can keep track of you and know you're available.
I understand how hard that limbo is - I guess we all do.
It's your choice what you decide.
I know you'll choose what's best for your kids and for you.

I'm glad that you have options on the selling of the house with renters in your back pocket.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 15, 2020, 09:16:51 AM
Hey PJ and Sea!

I haven’t posted because things have been really good.  I think I’ve turned a corner.  I’m sure if/when any divorce proceedings ever start it will stir up something.  I have been reading several of your posts even though I don’t comment much.

My kids are home Monday-Wednesday this week due to us being on the back side of hurricane Sally.  We lost power for a bit, but otherwise just really windy and rainy.  The eye hits tonight.

My h has cycled towards the family the last two weeks.  He has been more present.  I don’t see any signs of a current girlfriend and I do think his replay activity has slowed way down.  He mostly works and stays home.  He did bring us groceries and tried to help prepare for the hurricane.  He has been joking around a bit with me and reaching out some.

No word yet as to his promotion or if he is staying here another year.  I haven’t decided if we will stay if he does. 

I have been doing girls night outs with my divorce care ladies and my single parents group started back at church.  Also I have a girlfriend I’ve been doing beach play dates with.  The beach here on base is open so I walk it most days!  It’s awesome because this time of year no one is at this beach.  I almost always come across something exciting.  A large flock of birds, dolphins, large turtles, a sunset, crabs or the other day I saw a sand colored stingray.  I did also see jellyfish, one almost got me.

Life is good, we are blessed! 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 15, 2020, 03:11:30 PM
Joy -
Great update.
Glad that you're living your life to it's full potential at the moment.
Hopefully, things will continue forward, and your H will continue to take steps forward and spend time with you and family.

Keep us updated.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 16, 2020, 07:19:33 PM
Hurricane Sally surprised us all.  It passed us as expected and then looped around.  We got a direct hit.  I live near the water, but thankfully the house did not flood as we are on a hill.

They will be cleaning this area up for some time.  This evening we were all out doing our part.  I was able to charge my phone in my car as we are without electricity.  I’m thankful to have phone service again, we lost it for most of the day.  We do have water🙌🙌🙌.

The kids will end up missing a week of school, they haven’t gone since last Friday.  So many down trees and just a hot mess.  Some houses are no longer livable for the time being on our street due to trees falling on the roof.  Most of us will need new roofs.  Our back shudders came off and the water did get in through the windows, but we just kept using towels.

This was my first hurricane.  We were supposed to get hit the last two years and didn’t.  I’m thinking we need new windows, but not sure.  We’ve gotten hit on the back end for days, but at 1am we got a direct hit.  I didn’t think much of it at first because it was a category 1, but then just before landfall it was just shy of a 3.

For some reason at 2am our fire alarms started going off.  It was really confusing because we had no electricity and of course we were half asleep.  I ended up eventually sending the kids back to bed and just kept watch for awhile.  This happened several times.  I’m so thankful we are all safe.  Hopefully we won’t lose all of our food in the fridge.

My h did keep in contact all through the night and today.  He is trapped out on a FL Key.  They have major flooding and he sent a video of his house, it’s pretty ripped up.  I’m nervous we will be without power as they said the last direct hit left the area without power for weeks.

It’s odd, he does care, but still less empathy than other family and friends.  I’m not trying to compare, but today a male friend sent me a voice message.  Basically saying he thought a voice would be more comforting than a text.  That he is praying for us, that I am a strong person and that he is praying specifically for my 9 year old who is afraid of storms. 

It’s tough to hear that from a friend when your own husband cannot seem to muster up that kind of concern.  That said, I see major progress, no expectations as I know it could stop at any point.  He is definitely more present lately with me and the kids. 

I guess it’s just tough to know your value, know that currently they don’t pass muster, but still try your best not to write them off as unsalvageable.  Lately as I am in such a good place, I do have more compassion on my h.  Though I don’t waste much time sitting around thinking of him, I’m living my life.  I recognize that he is lost and is much like the prodigal son.

I do wander if it is possible for me to love him in that way again.  To respect him.  It would be easier for me to love someone new, but I do recognize marriage is worth fighting for if given the chance.  Key word IF.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Standing Strong on September 16, 2020, 08:11:09 PM
You sound great FJ  :D

Wonderful update  ;D

Those storms..... can't we have a couple years without any? Someone should tell them the rules say shelter in place.... no storms allowed.  ;)

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Treasur on September 17, 2020, 12:16:58 AM
That sounds very frightening, FJ. Thank goodness you and your kids - and your h too - are all ok.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 17, 2020, 02:38:46 PM
Joy -
So glad that you're okay through the hurricane.
You sound really healthy and well.
I'm glad that your H is stepping forward slowly.
Keep living your life - you've done well...

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 19, 2020, 05:40:13 PM
Hey Guys!  I appreciate your words.

We got electricity yesterday and internet today.  I believe the kids will go back to school likely on Wednesday, so about 1 and 1/2 weeks off.  Our town is a crazy hot mess, but progress is slowly happening.

Well, I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I just had a major breakthrough with my h.  I am emotionally spent and may provide more details later.

You all know my husband has been slowly doing better the last 11 or so months.  The last few weeks, every since I accidentally told him I still love him, he has drawn close.  It just came out, I’m not even sure where it came from.

Well tonight we had a very raw, very real relationship conversation.  Unlike what we have had in several years.  He told me things he has never said, I told him everything I felt.  We both communicated the struggles we had with the other. 

I can sense as January draws near and this divorce gets real he is questioning.  Anyways, there were no guarantees given.  He did not say, I love you and don’t want a divorce you magnificent human being😂.  However, a lot of truths were spoken on both sides. 

If you don’t communicate with your spouse for years, they don’t know what you want.  Your grievances.  Most of these MLCers are avoidant personalities.  They sweep things under the rug until the rug is the size of a house and unmanageable.  Anyways.  I have no real expectations, it’s a wait and see situation.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 19, 2020, 06:17:17 PM
Joy -
So happy that things seem to be progressing.
Take it nice and slow, as you seem to be doing.
Glad that he was able to be open and honest with you.  That's a huge breakthrough!

Glad your electricity and internet is back.
Get some rest - I'm sure you're exhausted - it takes it's toll...

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 19, 2020, 08:37:53 PM

Thank You!  I appreciate it!  It was a very bittersweet conversation because he opened up and we had a really good conversation.  However hard things were spoken.

In the coming months we each need to decide if we are willing to do what it takes.  I think he is questioning, but still has a lot of processing.  It’s really just the very beginning.  So no expectations as I’m unsure how long this will drag on or if I’m willing to wait in FL to find out.

I think he could be beginning to make a turn, but needs a lot more time.  Unfortunately, he may not have it.
Title: Re: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Milly on September 20, 2020, 03:19:23 AM
Finding, I'm so glad you got through the storm although it sounds like things are pretty difficult still for you and your community.

It does sound like your H is asking himself stuff. It is really strange for them to have a relationship conversation at all, so it's definitely positive that he was willing to share his feelings with you. If he doesn't have an OW, he might manage to get through his crisis faster. I do believe that an affair pushes the MLCer deeper into his crisis, mainly because of his guilt at what he has done.

Sending you best wishes to weather the damage from the storm, and hope your H keeps progressing.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 20, 2020, 07:34:53 AM
Thank you Milly, I totally agree that if they get into a relationship it does extend things.  Mine figured out really quickly that he couldn’t love anyone(he told me a year in) and so that was helpful.

After a day to sleep on the conversation, I do see some good and bad things.  It was a huge breakthrough in the sense that I can tell he’s drawing close and that a part of him is really questioning.  I see how he looks at me lately.  In some ways some of the things he said were good because he told me problems we had in the marriage that he never communicated before.  I think that is common with an avoidant personality.  He just sat back and became bitter, versus communicating what he wanted.  I am in fact not a mind reader.

I also told him my issues with the marriage and the last two years..  The very fact that he had this tough conversation is in and of itself a good sign. 

I’m not one to leave things unsaid.  I want him to know where I stand.  So this morning I was very clear.

I told him that I did take accountability for my part in the marriage issues before he left.  Yesterday I took accountability and apologized.  However I will not be some sort of scapegoat for all of the problems in the marriage.  That he needed to also take accountability and repent if he wants the marriage.

I told him that clear communication is vital going forward and that I could not take accountability for the things that bothered him that he did not communicate.  That if he wants the marriage he needs to take accountability for the last two years.  That I would not pursue him, if he wants me he needs to pursue me. 

I told him that I will not wait on him if he pursues a divorce, but that if he wants to work on the marriage, I am willing.

I was very clear that the ball is in his court.  That I do love him and I do want the marriage to work, but if he doesn’t chose it, I will move forward.

He is for the first time having to face actually making a real choice, because the kids and I might leave next summer(it is a bit up in the air because he may stay here an extra year).  If we leave next summer I have asked him to start the divorce in January.  Which for us makes things very final as the kids and I will no longer live near him.  So the repercussions could not be higher.

If he finds out he is staying an extra year, I would then have to decide if we are.  If so we would stay married an extra year.  I do know we need as much time as possible.  I know he has a long way to go.

The thing is, in theory I want the marriage to work, but I need to see an accountable, repented adult.  He is possibly in the beginning stages of that, but....I didn’t get to take a two year break from adulting when life got hard.  So, I’m just not sure how to feel. 

I do know we had so much stress on us when all of this happened.  When he got deployed we had 4 young kids.  At the time my youngest was 1 1/2 and he was very sickly his first three years of life.  Then we had a special needs child.  At the time I homeschooled.  We were finally starting to get a handle on life from having moved to TX(when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my last), having had a sickly baby, and just the stresses of having a large family when he got deployed.  Then of course he came back broken and with a huge wall up.  It’s like he has no clue the toll all of this took on us.

I told him such.  That his career choice(us having to move around) and that deployment took a huge toll on us all. 

This whole conversation started because I told him I need a week long break.  He said he can’t right now because everything at work is crazy with Covid and now the hurricane. 

I said, well I can give you a week, but I need a break.  This hurricane took its toll and for two years you’ve only had the kids two nights a month.  I NEED A BREAK.  He said I agree, but I can’t take off.

I said, well you somehow expect me to have a full time job after the divorce and raise four kids with no support system.  Do you think when my job becomes a lot that I will be able to just stop parenting?  I’m asking for a week, you expect me to do it long term.  He said, no I don’t, you don’t have to have a career.   ::)  At which point I asked him how he thinks I’m going to put a roof over the kids head and feed them.  Idiot.  So he proceeded to say that he has a very important job(CIO) and my job won’t be like his. 

So, I let him know that he has quite the ego and that I believed he had made the military an idle in his life. 

So as you can see, we still have a very long climb as he has himself on some sort of pedestal as an amazing provider, and yet still sees mostly my flaws(or perceived flaws).   However the conversation was a start to him questioning if a divorce is what he really wants.  Of course I also have to decide if I want him.  As is...hard no!

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 20, 2020, 07:49:58 AM
Joy -
It's great that you had those difficult conversations.
That's a good start.
There's so much up in the air that you need to figure out as a family - together or not...
Time will tell.
Keep detached and keep working on yourself.

I'm sure you do need a break.  Parenting is exhausting and time-consuming - but well worth it.
If you do move far away in a year - where will you get that break?  Will you have relatives nearby?  Will the kids stay with you during school and H during the summer?  Have you thought that out as it appears that you'll  have them full-time without a break, which could be a lot to handle.  Especially given that you'll have a job that occupies your time...

Keep up the great reconnecting and remember - no expectations...

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 20, 2020, 08:52:51 AM
Hey Sea.  That is sort of the bone of contention.  He is military so we won’t live near each other unless I follow him around the country and revolve my life around him. 

No, I won’t have help.  In theory he would get the kids once a month for a weekend as we would probably live 3 hours a part.  Then possibly a month in the summer, but as you can see he won’t take them for a week, it’s been two years.  So I don’t exactly have help now outside of two nights a month.  He comes over here on Tuesdays for 2 1/2 hours.

He is waking up.  I think there is a difference between letting someone know what is expected if they want the marriage to work, and me actually having expectations that he will do those things.

For me, if he wants the marriage I spelled out what needs to happen.  I don’t have expectations one way or the other as to if he will do those things.  If he wants the marriage, he will.  If not, he won’t.  To me that is just communicating clearly where I am.  I really don’t follow the rules listed here any longer.  Except that I try to be friendly and kind if I can and I am not pursuing.  Otherwise to me it’s black and white.  You’re either willing to do what it takes to fight for our marriage, or not.  It’s do or die time.  I’m mixed on my preference as he has not been a great guy for a long time. 

Nothing short of the actions I gave him to do will save our marriage.  MLC or no MLC.  He’s in or out.  So I made that clear, while saying I do believe in marriage and would be willing to work on things if he is.  At the same time, if he doesn’t want to work on things, it’s time to file as I’m done being in the marriage alone.  Of course I was very kind and polite to him about it all, I’m putting it very bluntly here.

I should say, if he stays an extra year here, just by saying he wants to work on the marriage, I would stay.  So it’s a matter of him saying his intentions are to work on the marriage.  Without that, I have no reason to hold onto this marriage.  Though I may stay for the kids and finances.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 22, 2020, 07:49:27 PM
Well, I’ve been emotionally eating for three days and I’ve also gotten a ton of new clothes emotionally shopping.  I plan to reign it in tomorrow.

That talk with my h was a rough one.  I now realize that for me, when I told him what he would need to do if he wanted our relationship.  That was me saying goodbye.  Basically, the ball is in his court.  For me, I’m not planning on looking back anymore.  Only forward.  I don’t want him to be my focus.  So, if he gets his act together and wants the marriage, he knows where I am.  Otherwise, he really doesn’t need to be in my thoughts outside of dealing with the logistics of divorce and coparenting.

The good news is, I bought clothes that require me to stop eating so much😂. So I have incentive.  I am so blessed regardless of our marriage working out or not.  I am optimistic about the future!  I know good things are in store! 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 23, 2020, 04:21:07 PM
Joy -
If you are able to focus on what you have, yourself and your future (and your kids obviously), you truly will have happiness and joy.  You're doing great.  What you've accomplished today was not easy, I'm sure.  Be proud of yourself, despite emotional eating and spending.  Sometimes you just need to calm your inner self with retail and food therapy. 
Let us know what his thoughts are.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 23, 2020, 04:42:52 PM
Sea!  Thank You!  It’s certainly helps to occasionally have some retail therapy:).  I doubt he will say anything for some time, if ever.  He was friendly when he came by Tuesday to see the kids, but nothing new.

It is what it is.  Honestly my expectation was that he would stay away from me for a good while.  That seems the case.  At this rate he opens up one time a year.  So I’m not exactly waiting on pins a needles for a response.  😊
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on September 23, 2020, 05:37:01 PM
So if you don't hear from him, when will you decide if you will move or not?
That's got to be tough - the unknown...

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on September 24, 2020, 11:13:44 AM
Oh, he will let me know about that because he wants us to stay.  I more meant he won’t bring up the relationship anytime soon.

He is waiting to know himself.  The divorce starts in January if I decide to move, or if we are both moving.  Then the kids and I would move this summer.

If we all stay the divorce gets postponed another year so that the kids and I can stay in base housing.  I do have reasons to stay, so we will see.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on October 21, 2020, 06:54:39 PM
I thought I would do a quick update.

The last month or so I’ve noticed my husband looking back a bit.  Mostly because the divorce is likely to start in January.  His situation has changed in that he will not know if he is staying here, or where he could possibly move until next August when he either promotes or doesn’t.

Which means I have to decide what to do without knowing if he will stay or go.  Short of reconciliation I am leaving next summer and he could end up anywhere.  This is all because he has not promoted and is past due.

So things just got real for both of us.  He mentioned tonight that he did not know who he was until recently.  That he was late to figure himself out.  That I knew who I was and that some things I want he doesn’t want.  We are going to coffee next week to discuss what he is looking for in more depth.  He doesn’t think we can work.

I don’t know if we can either.  He basically said, if we get back together I have to work full time.  So I guess he is considering it.

Uhm, where’s my I’m sorry for hurting you and the kids?  Just demands of my responsibilities.  I can say I am not entering a situation where I have to walk on eggshells, meet his demands and beg to be loved for the sake of reconciliation.  If he had stayed I would have walked through fire.  However he left, monstered and cheated, so how about I give him my expectations...

Just a little venting.  Perhaps the first one could be, don’t screw the head nurse at the hospital....

He has come such a long ways in the last two years.  Unfortunately due to military life and me being unwilling to follow him around the country unless we are married.  We have only a few months to figure out if we can reconcile.  This is precisely the reason however that he is finally looking back.  He is about to lose us, possibly for good.  He no longer has any control over where he will live.

It’s a weird place to be.  I have dreaded this move/divorce.  However if it happens it will finally be behind me.  He mentioned that I don’t understand the pressure he’s under at work.  I told him he never tells me anything.  I would be happy to listen.

I told him I do not want a situation where I am fully committed to the marriage and he is not.  I’m not even sure how to feel.  Just numb.  It feels like he’s still not baked, but that it’s make it or break it time.

Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Father5 on October 21, 2020, 07:44:10 PM
   Great to hear your update Joy! I pray for you and your family!
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: FaithWalker on October 24, 2020, 04:30:21 PM
Sounding strong FJ.  I agree with you that he seems to have some expectations about you working full time but has not addressed the cheating and other issues.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Finding Joy on October 25, 2020, 11:56:00 AM
Thank you Father.  Faith walker, it’s an odd place to be because as he inches closer, I find myself wanting to get far far away.  He hurt me too much and now to come in with demands.  A few weeks back he wanted to talk about the marriage, mainly my faults and/or perceived faults.

So far very little real accountability on his part.  It’s like he thinks he’s  still this big prize to be won.  He has no idea that I now consider myself the prize and he has to win me over.  So far his demands are not warming my heart. 
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: FaithWalker on October 25, 2020, 12:24:09 PM
"You are the prize" - I do also repeat this to myself when I feel less then.  One day I think they will realize this but I think it will be too late for my story.
Title: It’s the little things in life...
Post by: Seahorse on October 25, 2020, 12:38:30 PM
Joy -
FWIW - My expectation would be the exact same as yours.

I am glad that you understand that YOU are the prize.
The narcissist believes that they are the ones who are to be sought, loved, adored, worshipped.  BUT - they cannot see their flaws or admit to their errors --  UNTIL they get they get the help that they need -- IF...
I am not calling your H a narcissist, but so many of the MLCers who are in high positions do have those tendencies.

Just remember to do what's best for you and your family.
If you do - there won't be regrets as you're doing the best that you knew at the moment.
If it's meant to work out -- it will, wherever you land.

Sending you hugs - missed hearing from you.
Anxious to hear how your coffee conversation goes next week about what HE wants out of this relationship, compared to what you want.  Will be thinking about you.