Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Mortesbride on June 02, 2020, 03:48:59 AM

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on June 02, 2020, 03:48:59 AM
Time to start a new thread. I am surprised the Bear hasn't attacked me already. Guess I flew under the radar this time. :)

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11302.160

Nothing to much to report at the moment.

Had my little off day....in fact it wasn't even a full day to be honest. About 8 hours of moping then I shook it off like it never happened. I like that I can do that to be honest. It has helped me a lot in life.

Right now I am focusing on home schooling, study, and some new side projects. We shall see how it all goes.

It is hot as hell outside... yes even in Scotland.  ::)

There is a guy at our park who is infamous. He walks two huskies on neon yellow leads with muzzles. My mom used to have huskies so I know their temperament. Generally it has a lot do with their owner and how much exercise they get. Suffice to say these two big working dogs who are bred to pull sledges for hours a day....get walked on about 2 foot of leash space, around the block in a circle. They don't appear to have been well socialised, so they are moody and aggressive to any dog that passes.

I generally spend my walks looking out for him. I ask the kids to run around corners and up the small hill, to make sure the ''husky man'' isn't coming. I chit chat with other dog walkers who have run into him, and his dogs went for theirs. Best to be avoided.

So I was out with the two boys (age 4 and 8 ) and my two dogs. We were walking and talking with another lady and her dog (from a safe distance of course). The boys were throwing a stick, and my oldest dog would chase it. Everything was peaceful and calm. Oldest boy throws the stick into the bushes by this big tree, dog goes in after it, jumps back out of the bush (with big stick in mouth), face first into the husky man who had just come around a concealed corner.

His dogs instantly are barking and lunging at my surprised dog. My dog drops his stick and goes into a defensive pose (head down, barking, butt in air...as he tries to sort of bounce backwards away from them). When he gets far enough away he turns to bolt straight for me, I instantly re-leash him, and take him and the younger dog back the way we came. Me and the lady are still talking, and decide to go up a different path in the park.

But of course it doesn't end there does it.

I am talking with this lady, my dog is leashed until he moves on, her dog is skiddish and hiding back round out of sight. And he SHOUTS at me as he approaches ''Don't YOU think you OWE ME an apology?!''.

This man who is likely 6'3'' and a solid 350 lbs decides to start an argument about it. Everything about his posture and attitude and the tone of voice screams bully to me. Which of course is my instant pissed off button.

Now I know what you are thinking. Just apologise, he is a jerk, it is best to just leave the situation. But did I do that? Did I firetruck.

I looked him dead in the face and said ''You want me to apologise because your dogs went for mine?!''.

He of course was gobsmacked. He expected his size and sheer @$$hole aura was going to intimidate me, make me apologise, then he would curse me as he walked off. I know his type. Boy how right I was.

After a moment he started to stutter something about ''Your dog attacked mine'', I replied ''With a stick in his mouth?''. His face turned red and I could see the steam coming out of his ears. Eventually he just resorted to ''Well he should be leashed you stupid *bleep*''. At this point I realise there is no point. This guy would argue with the tree that it had to much bark. So I smiled sweetly and said ''Good morning to you to sir''. That obviously infuriated him but he walked off calling me a smart ass and swearing at the me the whole way.

Maybe if he had approached me in a more civil or even neutral manner, I would have apologised out of courtesy. Hell I tend to apologise to random people for slight annoyances. A bike coming down the path? We step into the grass to let them pass. The dogs get to curious and come close to a stranger? Call them back and apologise. There are tons of people we talk to, dogs they play with....and only one I need to avoid. I think it is safe to assume my dog is not the issue. Perhaps the neon yellow warning leads and muzzles might give that away. But whatever.

A few minutes later another lady with a lab stopped us and asked if his dogs had went for mine. I said yes. She said his dogs have gone for her lab 3 times, and they have to constantly avoid going anywhere near him. This is terrible to hear, but made me feel better about the whole thing.

In hindsight should I have just apologised and defused the situation at the start? Probably. Is my anti-bully radar probably going to get me in trouble one day? Probably.

But should a big man with aggressive dogs be yelling and talking to women with small kids in the park like that? Absolutely not. And I certainly am not the type to be scared or intimated.

For better or worse I think that is not going to change.

But you know other than that...most things are calm and quiet. Here's hoping we manage to avoid Mr Happy for a while.  :D
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: UrsaMajor on June 02, 2020, 06:30:27 AM
Here you go.....

(https://media.giphy.com/media/YohvjRwIzXHt6SL6fX/giphy.gif)
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: sachat3 on June 02, 2020, 08:04:32 AM
Morte, I’ve just caught up on your thread and I would like to say this regarding your graduation.

I would be more than happy to come and attend (if you wanted me to and we’re comfortable with that!) I’m also happy to watch your kids whilst your graduating so that your children get to see this monumental moment. All you have to do is say and I’ll gladly take a trip to Scotland. Provider we are able to travel.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Milly on June 02, 2020, 01:12:54 PM
Welcome to your new thread, Morte. The dog guy was a jerk and you just stood up for yourself and your dog. Nothing wrong there.

Glad to hear that your off day didn't go into the next one. I bet it feels good to see that we can now stop ourselves from cycling down too long. I find it's a relief to know I am usually able to get myself to cycle back up.

I hope the weather keeps up and you and the kids get to enjoy the open air. 

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: FaithWalker on June 02, 2020, 11:16:06 PM
Attaching
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 04, 2020, 04:37:37 AM
Coming along mort xx
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 04, 2020, 09:38:43 AM
Dog guy sounds like a d!ck who needed a scolding. Nice work.  I find that angry people in general all have some kind of inner turmoil going on and look for a target for their aggression wherever they can find it.

And you are allowed to have those off days. You don';t have to have it all together every second of every day. That will drive you batty.

I am a big apologizer too. And for things that don't merit an apology. LOL. It is such a girl thing to do. There was a Saturday Night Live skit about this with Amy Schumer. Hilarious. And sadly, a little true. Oh well.

Anyway, happy to be along on your journey my friend. You sound magnificent as usual.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Rising Phoenix on June 04, 2020, 12:31:50 PM
I’m watching amy  Schumer learns to cook. Have to protect your own mort. Including pets as they are our family xx
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on June 05, 2020, 09:25:18 AM
So...

Beast's Birthday.

I decided to buy him a pair of fish slippers.

Then today every text I have given him has some sort of fish joke in it.

''Fin-tastic day. Hope it goes swimmingly. Halibut you ask me later. Sea you soon.''

You get the idea.

So took the kids over with their stuff, and his birthday presents.

He opens the box as me and the kids are laughing like crazy people. You would think it was an explosive the way he was gingerly touching it.

Inside he sees the fish slippers...and he is both surprised and extremely amused at the same time.. yet trying to keep a straight face. To my surprise he actually put them on straight away and enjoyed the joke. Though he did say ''I thought I was getting a goldfish or something with all those jokes. Was going to name him Fred''. Bwahahaha.

Maybe it is a sign he is getting his sense of humour back.

But regardless it gave me a mighty good laugh all day.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on June 11, 2020, 07:19:15 AM
Just got a phone call from Beast to say that he is being referred to hospital for testing. The big C word.

Don't tell the kids yet, he just wants to give me a heads up...cuz things could drastically become different.

And now I am flooded with a range of emotions that I can't even begin to fully process yet.

Logically I know there are tons of outcomes. Could be a cysts, scar tissue, benign growth...if it is C then there are treatment options.

Yet the swirling emotions don't listen to reason do they?

What even is my place here?

What am I ''allowed'' to feel? What am I expected to do?

In my new non role. So strange.

And then I think about how sad this whole story already is, and can't imagine if it is the worst...that that is how he chose to spend the last few years he had left.

Biggest tragedy I can imagine. But maybe he doesn't see it that way.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Treasur on June 11, 2020, 07:38:06 AM
I'm sorry, Morte. No magic wisdom from here but an acknowledgement that it is a strange situation to be in. If it helps, I give you full permission to feel whatever you feel and make your own rules up as you go lol.

Even as an outsider, I found myself thinking 'oh he's just looking for a bit of support by telling you before he actually knows anything, a bit of poor old me looking for good old Morte, gah....let him talk to Miss Magic Skittles grrrr' which is not at all how I would react to that kind of information from someone else. Hypervigilant cynicism is useful with these disordered folks but also a bi$ch isn't it? I hope it turns out to be nothing big and bad, but let us know and support you if you need it xxx
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: KeepItTogether on June 11, 2020, 09:41:33 AM
Morte you get to feel however you feel. There are no rules for that. I hope and pray it is not the "C", although I can tell you from personal experience that it is not a death sentence in most cases.

As an observation from the cheap seats, Beast chose to tell you this information. Maybe for sympathy sure. But also maybe b/c he knows you are the one person he can trust with such information. I believe those feelings and that knowledge runs deep, no matter how crazy they are.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mitzpah on June 11, 2020, 11:04:03 AM
But also maybe b/c he knows you are the one person he can trust with such information. I believe those feelings and that knowledge runs deep, no matter how crazy they are.

That is so true...

Hoping for the best.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Treasur on June 11, 2020, 11:22:09 AM
I'm sure that what Kit says is true too....I'm more cynical about the benefit of it for an LBS though now lol.
These foolish broken folks must know somewhere in them that they discarded a big deep real kind of love....so big that it takes many of us LBS years to put it away in a box  ::)....it would be surprising if they didn't have moments or tough times when a bit of them misses the familiarity and strength of that. Just as we do probably.  ::)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Airmid on June 11, 2020, 11:52:25 AM
Ah - the MLCer's life runs into a snag and he runs back to Mommy (Morte) who can kiss his boo boos and make it all better.

Word of caution - the times when I have noticed these MLCers returning is when they have failed at everything in life.  He is well on his way - and of course Cancer/illness is the biggest sympathy card in the deck.

Please consider carefully how much effort (if any) you want to put into his situation.

Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Milly on June 11, 2020, 12:50:31 PM
Oh, Morte, I'm really sorry about this news. I hope it turns out to be nothing, but if it's not, I also think you may feel about it the way you want. I mean, even if you had moved on with a new partner by now, you are still allowed to care for your partner of many years and the father of your children.

And I also think that he turned to you when he had a big problem, because you are still the one he can count on. Of course, he may also be seeking a nurse/therapist/mummy/shoulder to lean on/and lots more, but in the middle of all that, I believe is a window where he knows you are real.

There are examples on the forum of MLCers who did get very sick, came back crying to the LBS, got nursed back to health, and the minute they were healthy again, ran back to an OW. He is still in Replay and still behaving like a child. However, it doesn't mean you can't have your feelings of sadness and fear about what he might be facing. Hugs xxx
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Enyo on June 13, 2020, 06:59:57 AM
I also think you may feel about it the way you want. I mean, even if you had moved on with a new partner by now, you are still allowed to care for your partner of many years and the father of your children.

I'm with Milly here.  You get to feel about this however you want, it would also be up to you to support your children through this, so maybe the heads up he has given you will give you chance to prepare in case the worst  was to happen.  That said I really hope that they don't find anything sinister and its something that is easily cleared up. 

Take care
Enyo X
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: OffRoad on June 13, 2020, 02:10:01 PM
I'm sorry this affects you in such a detrimental way. It's difficult to navigate under the best of circumstances, and these are not those.

I am going to mention that he might have mentioned this to you so that he has reason to pay you less and expects you will understand. Mine lied, for random reasons and no reason at all. But the biggest reason he would lie? To get some kind of personal profit from it (image management, sympathy, money, whatever).

Beast may or may not be lying. His Dr may not have said cancer, but maybe Beast is scared and/or convinced of it and has convinced himself any tests mean this. Or he may be maneuvering you into a "I don't have money to give you because I have this possibility hanging over my head" situation. Only you know him and the situation. For me, if my mlcer said he was dying, I wouldn't believe it until I'd seen original test results, not imaged. Because that is my experience.

And by the same token, my mlcer once came and told me about how his friends father had died, then wondered out loud why he was telling me that. (To which I replied "Because I'm the one you told those things to for 23 years. Why wouldn't you tell me?").  It meant nothing.

I wish you luck navigating this. He's still your children's father, and that alone makes it a tough wall to walk.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: sachat3 on June 14, 2020, 02:00:53 PM
I agree. He may not be your partner right now or indeed ever again but he is the father of your child and the C is a serious matter. Your aloud to feel however you see fit Morte, at the end of the day if that was a dad at school, or your friends husband you would still feel something. Your human after all and not a robot.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: lawprofessor on June 14, 2020, 07:38:25 PM
Or Beast may be seeing you sailing away and he wants to keep you just where he left you.  The best way to do that?  Blow a big ole hole in your final classes by causing you to focus on him rather than school and your future.  Or if schools over, dampen you happiness with his woes by turning your focus back on him.

Or Beast may have decided life is pretty hard out in the real world and he's considering coming home or hoping you will be his Mommy and take care of him whether or not he's still living with Skittles.  Perhaps even forgive some financial support.  Or the moon was full and his underwear was too tight for him to communicate clearly.  Or it could be true. Or whatever.

But the whys aren't relevant.  What is relevant is how it impacts you and your kids, and how you handle it.  Just like when you landed here.

I don't think there is any one way you're supposed to feel.  And I certainly don't think you have to feel any pressure to help him if it is Cancer.  Skittles can always do that since he fired you from that job and chose her.  If that's a problem, maybe he should have chosen more wisely?  He still has the responsibility and moral obligation to provide for his children.  Compassion only goes so far and gets laid on with a trowel around here sometimes.  Polite, yes, Martyr, no.  It's his issue.  Yes Cancer can be quite a serious matter but the welfare of you and your children is as well.  And he's already not exactly doing a stellar job of meeting those adult responsibilities. 

Over the years I've noted that these people tend to lean on those they perceive as strong.  For a time, while they need them.  And Poof.  I don't think one should necessarily assume that is because they care, but because that suits their needs which is what's most important to a MLCer usually.  A disease doesn't awaken them necessarily and magically change them back into a good husband or person or even help them respect you.  Afterall, there is no love if there is no respect.

And they love drama, can sense it like a dog senses fear.  His remarks seemed full of drama and quite light on facts as reported.  I'd agree with the comment that said I'd need proof before I'd believe because the saying goes if the MLCers lips are moving, he's probably lying, at least to some extent, so he gets what he wants.n

Think very carefully before getting drawn in to whatever happens.  It's a hell all its own taking care of a sick man if that's the case.  You're a young woman with the whole world opening for you.  You only get one chance to be where you are now.  You've worked too hard and come to far to carry a grown man on your back like a papoose, sick or not, but then that's just my opinion and I may be just cranky and tired. 

I do hope he is well for your kids sake and hope I'm just being cynical.

Lp

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Nerissa on June 15, 2020, 02:17:55 AM
LP has said what is in my mind.  I do hope it isn’t cancer.  But he is awfully young to have it and in the unlikely event it is, many/most cancers now may be ‘cured’ or managed long term.

I would tend to see this as a manipulative move until I heard definitively otherwise.  I would also ask what needs you have deep inside re attachment and feeling needed that are activated by responding in an actively caring role towards him.  It’s possible you might find echoes from childhood where you needed to play the caring role for those who should have been looking after themselves or, in the case of siblings, should have been looked after by adults.

There is concern for someone who is your children’s father (and nostalgic memories of past times) but that isn’t the same as bending yourself to care for an adult with his own support system when he has not shown that he can do this for you.

You know all this of course, but when this kind of manipulation happens to me, it’s still hard not to get sucked in so I’m just saying, in case you are being drawn in emotionally and feeling overwhelmed.
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Airmid on June 15, 2020, 04:34:31 AM
I quite agree with LP.
She said my thoughts more succinctly than I could.

Put the shoe on the other foot.
Look at how MLCers act when the LBSer is in need - do they come to the rescue?
No.
Look at Nas - her H is one of the worst. He knows she has a serious cancer - and is there any assistance? No.
He writes her an e-mail now and again - to see if she is still breathing. 
But he has carefully made plans to avoid her getting any financial assistance, or help, and has hindered all efforts to get a divorce.

LP is quite right - Beast has been all about shirking his responsibilities.
He is not really that involved in the kids lives.
He does the bare minimum.
And he doesn't properly provide for them financially.
In the UK you have socialized medicine - so it is not as if he will go without treatment for lack of the ability to pay.
He has Skittles and his mother to tend to him.

I also agree with LP about him sensing that you have let go of the rope.
He may not be astute enough to see that you are about to launch into a new career and a new life.
But they are able to sniff out when we are about to sail away.

Having compassion does not mean you have to get intimately involved.
Express your regrets for his situation and wish him the best recovery (on his own).


Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on July 03, 2020, 09:43:50 AM
It is interesting reading all the thoughtful responses and I am sorry it has been a while since I have come back to update you all.

I think reading the varied responses on here actually just about imitates the 'voices' or 'sides' of my own internal argument.

One side that is upset about who he was, how the story would end, how my children would be affected. The side who wants to look beyond that and see it as him reaching out for someone he trusts or can rely on....even now.

One side that is very 'firetruck him he chose this' type of attitude. And I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are a few darker thoughts. Thoughts that I then get upset and ashamed of, because I know that is not really who I am but more who this situation can make you turn into. Even if only for a little while.

I think the shock of the call out of no where, when we normally text and talk at pick up, is what sent me spinning. My own future brain processes that start playing out the whole scenario. Watching someone you loved getting sick, suffering, potentially dying. The impact that would have on my children. The sadness of that being how his story ended. The fact that I would never get any closure for sure in a very permanent way. Something you sit and think about as you are old and grey and full of regret about this type of thing.

I already know that none of us will really get the closure we need or seek after this. That we have to make our own closure. But death makes it a very real permanent impossibility you know?

At any rate back to the point.

I was upset because I had parts of me saying 'firetruck him, that's what he gets' type of things. Then I felt guilt and shame because really even though he has done what he has done, I know I don't really feel that way. Then I would get sad at the thought of the kids, and the loss of possibilities for them. Then I would start to feel like I need to be who I am. Who am I and what would I do for anyone else in that position? I am a loyal person that is there for those who don't deserve it. And then I would get angry and start back at the beginning. I had to reach out and talk to someone to get me out of my own mental loops.

At any rate. I don't think it was a ploy on his part to get out of money or anything like that. He is still paying what he has been, he never even mentioned it. I think perhaps it was a good dose of thinkies on his part, and anxiety which he is prone to. He went for an appointment where they did an ultrasound and they think it is some kind of calcium deposits or something. He still needs to go to another doctor for all the other symptoms...but it looks like it might not be as bad as he was worried about.

I felt relieved for the kids, but I actually didn't feel very much else. If we were still together I probably would have cried from relief, or been joyfully jumping and hugging. But I just felt nothing more than ''Oh that's good, I am glad the kids won't have to go through that''.

And then I felt like a $h!tety person because I don't feel anything anymore but...that is where I am now.

In other news, still plugging away at my studies, started working from home, and now having to deal with my daughter becoming a pre-teen. I will let you decide which is the hardest part. :)

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Nerissa on July 03, 2020, 10:29:47 AM
Quote
And then I felt like a $h!tety person because I don't feel anything anymore but...that is where I am now.

Surely that is where we want to end up?  I think you’ve done really well.  Please don’t deny any bad flashes of vengeful thoughts as that is normal and it’s pointless to pretend we don’t have them.  I don’t really believe people who don’t ever have them and if they are being genuine about this then they may have more masochism inside than is entirely healthy and that’s another story.

My revenge thoughts can be so dire, I don’t think I can write them here.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Treasur on July 03, 2020, 10:51:19 AM
Nerissa is quite right lol....both meh and vindictive fantasies seem quite healthy and normal to me  :)
Relieved the news is better than it could have been...both for your kids and tbh bc it could have brought some turmoil into your life that I'm not sure you'd welcome  :)
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on July 28, 2020, 09:56:16 AM
So I mainly came back here to post my topic about a Separation Agreement:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11567.0

But I figure I might as well update while I am here right?

Last night I had another one of those dreams. The ones that aren't really dreams at all, but an urge or telling me, to do something important. I spent the last 4 hours typing up a Separation Agreement following a legal document. It was intense but unemotional. Even reading lines that used to hurt, no longer hurt me. I remember when this all first started reading lines like 'separate parties' and 'child maintenance' and 'division of matrimonial property' would send me into tears. Now I type them all and I don't really feel anything. I hope that remains the case as this goes on, and all those emotions don't come flooding back. At least not full force anyway.

Daughter came to me yesterday and said the strangest thing out of no where. She said 'Mom I don't think he is happy at his new house. I think he is lonely'. I asked her what gave her that idea, and she couldn't quiet put her finger on it, she 'Just knew'.

Outwardly there seems no difference to me. He is still kind of a boomerang but coming up to three years in it is like...a less concentrated boomerang. He still randomly wants to do the garden. He still randomly decides today is the day to sit on the steps and talk with me for 30 minutes about nothing after dropping the kids off. He still randomly texts me when I have gone to quiet. And on the other end...there are days he refuses to look at me when he picks the kids up. The are days when you hear nothing from him at all. There are still not talks or questions about anything to do with us. He no longer questions the kids about what I am doing, or where I am going. Still the same behaviours, just....less variance between extremes. Before it was like freezing cold and boiling hot fluctuation....and now it is more like chilly to lukewarm fluctuation if that makes any sense at all.

In terms of personal life we shall do a comparison of the last few years.

Me:
Spent the first year and a half just trying to emotionally survive, get on my feet as a newly single mom of three...alone, in pain, and isolated. Then as time progressed it hurt less, I learned more, I grew more. The pain will always be there, buried now under layers of scar tissue. It will never go away entirely I think, it just slowly becomes a dull ache, instead of a screaming wound.

My University finishes next month, launching me into my new phase of life. The culmination of 7 years part time study at night, while raising two kids, having a third, the loss of my father, and MLC. I don't think I will get a First Degree that I was in line to get before BD, and that hurt me for a long time. Those two years of MLC really impacted me in every way. I will likely graduate with a 2nd. And actually after a lot of self abuse (likely from childhood trauma) I decided that I am more than firetrucking okay with that. Because not a lot of people can do what I did, through the pain that I did. And I should be proud of myself. The first real acceptance of Self Love I guess.

Financially things are about to shift, as now that youngest is of school age I will no longer receive the same benefits we have relied on since my husband firetrucked off and left me with three kids and no income. I am a little stressed at this shift, mostly because everything is aligning at once. My degree completion, my kids all at school (which I don't know if it will be full time, or 2 days a week yet), obtaining childcare, and trying to hunt for a 'proper' job after 10 years unemployed. Sure I have tutored and done some writing on websites from home, but nothing really relevant to my degree at this point. I know this will stack against me, along with all the other people looking for work right now....but once I get my foot in the door...it will be smooth sailing. So anxiety for all the work to change, but confidence in knowing I will prevail.


As for Beast:
While I can't see everything that goes on, particularly the internal bits I have seen plenty. He quit his degree long ago. Quit is job for the local council which would have paid him 3 x what he makes now. Quit working out at the gym. No longer goes to concerts with BIL like a manic teenagers. Lived with his mother until he obtained a local council flat in a very crummy part of town. Had to go to therapy, has had tons of medical issues in the nether regions.... Pedalled around on a bike, until his gf got him a smart car. Constantly up and down mood wise, never really smiling or laughing like before. Suffering from paranoia and eating disorders. Often shows a delusional Disney Dad mentality toward the kids. Sits in his new council flat feeding all the neighbourhood cats, and screaming at the neighbourhood children for knocking his door. He has been on furlough since March, and is looking to return to work in Oct when he thinks he will be fired from the job he has had for 10 years. Currently he has to disinfect his flat on a Monday when the kids leave (where he puts all 'her' stuff back out, and hides the kids things), and again on Friday (where he puts all 'her' stuff away, and brings the kids things out).

I can't imagine having to do that on a weekly basis. Change my decor, sheets, everything...based on who is going to be there. A division of his lives every Monday and Friday. firetrucking weird.

Anyway perhaps I am biased but I can see an upward trend on one side, and a downward spiral on the other. In every aspect of life, not just one. Everyone says in the beginning that is what happens, but we are too blind to see past the pain. You see quotes and memes of breakups.... they all say it will happen. But you never really believe it will happen to you until you see it. I can see it.

I don't spend a lot of time here. I guess that is pretty common with most people at this stage. I do like to check in with everyone every now and again though. Many people here I consider friends. It is also nice to know that someday someone will come here, in terrible pain. Reading through all the forums like I did, and will see my story and it will help them. If only for a little while.

If you are that person....reading this story, with tears running down your face.....it will get better I promise. It will never fully go away. You will always remember this. A song, a movie, a quote....will bring those feelings back to you. But each time...it will hurt a little bit less....and each time you will get a little bit stronger. Until one day you can listen to that song again, and actually enjoy the good memories it had. Keep your head up, and just keep trying.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: sachat3 on July 28, 2020, 10:14:29 AM
Lovely to read your update Morte 😃
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Milly on July 28, 2020, 02:19:44 PM
Me, too, I enjoyed the update, Morte. So your H is not happy, says your D. Sounds like she's right by your description of him lately. But you've got to the end of your degree, how amazing! I couldn't have done your degree even if I'd been childless and rich and sitting on my bum all day. You are so clever, and determined, and a good team player. Of course you'll get your foot in the door somewhere. Of course, changes are scary, and we've sure had to accept so many. We want stability, certainty, security. I'm sorry you're losing some benefits and it's adding pressure to you, but once you complete your degree and get out in the job market, I suspect you'll cover more than the benefit offered in the first place. Plus, you will be in control of your finances from then on, and that's a good feeling.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: UrsaMajor on July 30, 2020, 03:32:19 AM
Interesting update Mort...

We all kind of "know" that the real Mid-Lifers are not really "happy" but more like a state of mania... sort of like this guy looking "happy."

(https://media.giphy.com/media/BbJdwrOsM7nTa/giphy.gif)

so I don't think your daughter is THAT far off the mark....

The chickens DO come home to roost at some point....
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: FaithWalker on August 30, 2020, 02:45:10 PM
Oh gosh I can't imagine having to change my house on Mondays and Fridays.  These crazy MLCers.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on September 06, 2020, 04:59:49 AM
Well that's it folks! I finally handed in my last piece of work for my degree. I find out in October how I did.

What a giant ball of stress that relieves. I will say now how much I enjoy not having to study in the evenings...and within a few years I will probably be working toward my masters or something... But whatever!  :P

On another note youngest is now in school, so I am job hunting...during covid...when lots of people are out of work. No pressure. Ha!

Emotionally I am in a good place. Life ticks on and 'ain't no body got time for that' crying nonsense. Hopefully some of you get that reference. :P

I was washing dishes this morning when I realised today is 3 year BD marriage-death-versary. At least I think it is. I mean it is hard to tell. When do you officially count? The day I found the phone call and packed his $h!te in totes...the day sat and told me he didn't want to work on it with no emotions, or the day he slid down the kitchen counter like a wet mop saying he didn't have the energy. I dunno it was like 2 weeks of mental hell...but it was around three years ago so....yeah.

I can honestly say though that 3 years on, I can't even remember the last time I cried about it. I guess if  I were to sit and really think about the whole thing, then I could get myself in those emotions and feel it. But on a day to day basis it is forgotten. Not mentally forgotten, but kinda emotionally forgotten if that makes sense.

But the odd thing is...the less I seem to give a $h!te....the more Beast seems to want to be.... closer?.... a better Dad? I dunno. I have noticed he takes the kids every weekend now, without needing help from his mom. And when he returned to work, he actually arranged to have the kids on his days off instead of using it as an excuse to not see them. I remember having to chase him up to stop by for a couple hours on the Wed to see them, now he randomly stops by with sweets for them...even though he will take them overnight the next day. He has even wanted to take them on a the school run, for the first time in any of their lives. So something is tick tocking in that brain of his at least with the kids.


On the other hand, he is doing his absolute best to get himself fired. Or maybe not get fired, but take the piss out of his work before he get's let go with all the other staff who get let go due to Covid cut backs. Technically they can't fire him for being ill, but when the managers call you 'Sick Note' it surely doesn't bode well for keeping a job when the axe is coming down. I was contemplating the other day and I suppose it is the last thing he has left from 'his old life'. Everything else has been lost or changed to some degree, only his job of 12 years remains. Maybe some part of him needs to get rid of that too...to see if that magically fixes this unhappiness he still seems to carry around with him. First it as me and the kids, then his mom, his lack of a car, then he needed his own house....now he just needs to get rid of this job. Then...then he will be happy. Right?! Right?!!!!  ::)

Meh.

I really hope they stop this quarantine lottery they got going on. I want to get back to my weekends away, but can't risk no 2 week isolation situation. It feels like all of life has been taken over by the Rona. It has definitely been a questionable year.

I hope you are all doing well. I am not sure who is still kicking about the boards on a daily basis. I know logging in after a few weeks there are so many backlogged stories that I can't possibly keep up. But I still think about a lot of you, and talk to a few of you on What's App.

Anyway, will come back in a while when I got something to say. :)
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on September 06, 2020, 05:53:19 AM
Hello,

Quote
Well that's it folks! I finally handed in my last piece of work for my degree. I find out in October how I did.

Yes!!!! and Big time Congratulations!!! This is a big accomplishment and I am so happy for you. Now that is done, you move forward and live the best life you can. While I deal with the smoker today, I will hold my old fashion up to the sky, "This is to you Morte, a job well done!"

As far as getting a job, I think you will be fine. There is always a demand for highly intelligent, well educated people like you. Just go out with confidence and you will find success. After dealing with Beast these past three years, there isn't a situation you can't handle.

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready

PS- I wrote this quick to beat Thunder. She is always just one click faster than me.



Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Treasur on September 06, 2020, 05:57:00 AM
Yay for you, Morte  :)
My word....what are you going to do with your evenings now lol?
What an achievement though....

And Mr Beast? Yup, sounds pretty textbook. Sounds as if you will be the living embodiment of the Tortoise-Hare thing....that your life, and the kids lives, will start to get bigger and better and easier in lots of concrete ways just at the point when his will hit the last buffers left  ::)

We are all SO proud of you, like a gang of virtual mums and dads here  :)
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Thunder on September 06, 2020, 07:14:13 AM
Very funny Ready!! 8)

Morte I can't tell you how proud I am of what you have achieved.
You're gonna go places, girl!

I see a bright future ahead of you.  Your H, who knows?  Sounds like he has a long way to go to find that elusive "happiness."   ::)  You gotta wonder how few of them actually find it.

If nothing else he may end up being a good father, which would be lovely for the kids.

Hugs
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Milly on September 06, 2020, 07:25:38 AM
Morte, you have done amazingly!! You are a success story! You studied at night, after looking after 3 young kids during the day, whilst going through post BD blues, what a great job you've done of it. I'm so happy for you. x

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Music45 on September 06, 2020, 11:17:13 AM
Well done, Morte. Go you!
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: LBS_Les on September 06, 2020, 02:39:38 PM
Well that's it folks! I finally handed in my last piece of work for my degree. I find out in October how I did.

Congrats Mortes!   Well deserved, and earned!
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: stillbaffled on September 06, 2020, 02:58:05 PM

Emotionally I am in a good place. Life ticks on and 'ain't no body got time for that' crying nonsense. Hopefully some of you get that reference. :P


I laughed right out loud, Morte.......I have laughed at that clip many times. 

Congrats on submitting the final paper.  You've done well.   
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Evermore on September 06, 2020, 10:11:25 PM
Congrats on getting that final piece in. I'm sure you've done brilliantly. :)
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: sachat3 on September 07, 2020, 08:17:00 AM
Yay! Congrats and more congrats.

I know what you mean about travelling. I got the same bug last year and had a few things on my “I want to do” list. I really wanted to take the kids on a aeroplane in 2020 but I doubt that’s happening. Likw you said, physically we can go....but the 14 day quarantine stops it.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: UrsaMajor on September 08, 2020, 02:03:24 AM
Congratulations Morte!

I remember being in that same position for my Masters (without the MLC nonsense) and how relieved I was when I got the notification that my Thesis was received and accepted.... Like a brick off my neck....
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: KeepItTogether on September 10, 2020, 09:01:12 AM
Congrats Morte--you really are amazing. 3 small children and still managed to get a degree....during a pandemic...and MLC. So--yay you!  I'll make a toast to you as well in our smokey skies today!
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: FearNot on October 09, 2020, 02:09:35 PM
Just catching up on it all! Congrats that is a huge accomplishment!! And loved the "Ain't nobody got time!" Lol!
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on October 17, 2020, 06:02:50 AM
Still awaiting my results, which are apparently due at the end of October. Tick tock goes the clock.

Kinda driving me nuts that all this Christmas jazz had started back in September. Like Halloween is going to be completely forgotten soon. I bought myself some Halloween t shirts just to say F the system. I will not let the rest of the year die to the Christmas nut cases!!!! Lol

At any rate I just thought I would come by and update with something that happened last month or so.

Rolling on 3 years since BD, and I hadn't had a conversation...a REAL conversation... with Beast since he ambushed me in the car park ages ago. I can't remember exactly when that happened, beginning of the year, or maybe it was last year. To lazy to look back in my journal but a long time anyway.

So it happened his newest thing is to randomly drop by sweets for the kids, but this day they were all out at friends. I was in the house alone, and to save the dogs barking or running out...I just opened my front window so he could pass the sweets in. He asked where the kids were, and I said out but I would give them their sweets no problem. Then he proceeded to stand outside the front of my house, talking to me through the window, in the driveway, for the entire street to see...for what must have been 1-1.5 hours. He kept saying how he needed to go because his groceries were going to melt, yet kept finding things to talk about and stay.

It was both an enlightening and disturbing look into the mind of an MLCer...or at least a Beast. He talked about how people are just objects to be thrown away, and how he doesn't feel love like 'normal people'. How he could throw away 'thing wee' and replace her next week. I asked him in a calm unemotional voice if that is how he had always felt about me. He looked a little confused and said 'No I was happy. You made me happy for a long time and I loved you. As much as I can love a person. But I am different. I don't love like you do'. He then went on to say that 'I'd like us to be friends again, but not all the other stuff (sex, house, marriage, kids, job). It is too stressful. I just want to live an easy life with a crappy job and not deal with all that' to which I finished ''Responsibility'' and he nodded.

I asked him ''Why do you think you left in the end?'' he replied ''Too much stress. I couldn't handle all the stress''. He then started to talk about all the masks he has to wear for people. This has been a conversation we have had before. How it was to draining for him to be everything for everybody. He shifted the topic and then agreed about a lot of good things in our relationship. It was nice to hear it from his mouth. That all the things I thought were good were real, and not just my version. How we were both happy to be in each other's presence but give each other space, equally happy to hang out together as to do our own thing. The same sense of humour and jokes. etc etc Complaining about normal people who ''aren't like us''.

All the things I remember writing about and saying on here. Yet over time I think I started to convince myself that maybe it was just how I saw things. Maybe he never saw our relationship the same way I did. It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

It was not an apology. I don't think an apology will ever come. But it was certainly a bit of validation. Validation that I am not the crazy one. It was real. And it was good for the most part. And he did crack under the stress of being an adult.

At this point I am grateful for that, because I never expected to get any validation on it to be honest. Not from him.

It doesn't change anything. It doesn't fix anything. But it does help.
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on October 17, 2020, 07:25:25 AM
Hello,

Great conversation that basically confirmed what you knew all along: you have a man/child on your hands. In the past, there has been a discussion on age and MLC. That someone can be too young to have the "mid-life crisis".  I agree that late twenties and early thirties is not defined as mid-life, but the crisis is real. Most of our MLCers reach a stage and enter the crisis following an event, death of a loved one, great success or failure, something triggers the mind to fear the future and look back to the comfort of the past. To live like they were young and carefree.

Your situation follows another pattern. Young family, with children and suddenly, the MLCer wants to flee. Doesn't want the responsibility of life. Too much to handle.  Wants to live the life of Gauguin and live on an island and paint. In your case, become the next great author of all time.

However, those that fancy themselves as the next Gauguin need to understand mindset. Gauguin left to pursue his passion; Beast left everything out of fear.

Quote
It doesn't fix anything or change anything, but it was nice to be validated in a way....even if it took three years to hear it.

Same here, mine took seven but it was good to hear. The saddest thing is that you have moved forward these past three years and Beast is still stuck in the past.

((((Hugs)))

Ready



Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Evermore on October 17, 2020, 03:25:12 PM
Hello Morte. Very interesting. And mirrors what my H said sometime before BD (a bit like you, I’m not exactly sure of the time frame and I can’t be bothered trying too hard to figure out exactly when it was) that ‘he didn’t think like other people’. We’d been having a discussion about something he wanted to do in the future (a new hobby or something, some dream he had), and it struck me that I knew, and cared about, many of his dreams and ambitions, but that he was never interested, never asked, about my dreams/ambitions etc. I said that to him and that’s when he said he ‘didn’t think like other people’. It took so much energy and effort just to keep track of his own mind and thoughts that he had nothing left, no other headspace available, for other people. We’d had some other conversations in the past a bit like that, but this one I remember clearly because I remembering thinking ‘I can’t imagine what that must feel like’. Then BD, and BOY did I know what that was like then!!  My mind was such a swirling messy foggy (the perfect word for it) soup of thoughts. I had no headspace for anything/anyone else. I knew I SHOULD be focussing on my girls, my friend that was dying of cancer, my work, my family (and I managed to do some of that, but only the bare minimum). But it was SUCH a struggle to do even that bare minimum. It felt a bit like when you take kids bowling and they put the bumper things up in the gutters to stop the ball going out of the lane. It felt like I knew I needed to be the one that stopped myself from totally derailing and going down the gutter, so I knew those bumpers were necessary. But it took ALL my concentration and effort to keep those bumpers in place for myself. Nothing left over to help others with their bumpers (very different to the normal me who was previously always the bumper for friends/family). I think if my H’s brain was anything like how I felt that first 14mths (and still a bit now 2 years in), I can very much sympathise.

So it’s interesting Beast said that to you. I can understand a bit how HORRIBLE and debilitating it feels. I can understand (but not condone) the ‘I know, I’ll just run away and start a new, no responsibilities life’ thought. Doesn’t really make it much easier for us though does it.

I’m typing on phone so apologise for crappy fomatting (and any typos!). I’m following along with your journey and hope one day I can reach the calm composure you’ve reached (still too many meltdown moments!).
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Mortesbride on November 30, 2020, 02:36:50 AM
Well hello again all my cosy little friends. I hope things are going okay for you during this 'wonderful' year. :)

Just popped round to give a quick update on life atm.

I managed to get my BS (Hon) degree with a second. At first I was struggling to accept that, because I intentionally set out to get a First. I had two bad periods of study (1 when I was pregnant and my father died, 2 when Beast left). It is interesting to look at my study record and see Distinction, Distinction, Pass 2...Distinction, Distinction... Pass 2, pass 3 (two courses I took during BD). It is like a permanent reminder of those periods of my life. Even in my academic sheet. So I was chasing up the school who said I could retake a module and probably get it up to a first....but really in the end does it really matter? I ultimately plan to go on to get a Masters and maybe even one day a PHD. So really who the hell cares?

 Oh just my little pea brain in the back of my head who says I am not good enough because I didn't bring home an 'A'. Programming from my childhood. Even now well into my thirties...I still beat myself up over a grade because there would be consequences at home. Physical maybe, emotional absolutely.

Logically I knew that raising 3 children of primary school age, during the death of a parent, the abandonment of a spouse, no family support, and a worldwide pandemic at the end....most people wouldn't have made it to the end. Logically I knew I should just be happy. But emotionally I struggled for a bit. Yet at the same time when I got my result back originally I was so proud of myself I burst into tears. That really doesn't happen...like ever. I don't think I have ever felt so proud of myself. Yet the follow up feeling was a sense of 'you didn't do good enough'. A mark from childhood that still influences my emotions as an adult. What a couple of $h!te bag parents I had. Anyway.  ::)

Eventually after speaking to student advisor about how big a deal it really was, we determined that it isn't a big deal and I should be proud of myself. Which is what my logical brain said...so I told the emotional side to shut up, accepted the degree and wait patiently for it to arrive by post. Probably going to frame it and stick it in the hall right as you walk it. Deserves it to be honest. I am a little gutted and also relieved they cancelled the graduation this year. Gutted because I imagined after this long studying to be able to walk across the stage getting cheered on by Beast and the kids while I got my degree. Relieved because now I don't have to worry about who to invite and being there alone. It is all so complicated and not what I had planned 7 years ago.

Currently I am doing some online writing for work, while looking for a job in a degree relevant career. During a pandemic. With primary care of three kids. And no relevant experience for the last 10 years. I figure you can guess how well that is going at the moment.  ;)

To top it all off Beast decided THIS was the perfect time to finally quit his job that he has been at for over a decade. He started working as a delivery driver and didn't tell me for two weeks 'so he could try it out' first. One random Monday night he shows up at 8.30 pm lays down on my couch...and proceeds to tell me he just worked a 13 hour shift with no breaks, to be yelled at by the end of the day. At this stage I didn't even realise he had moved job, though I was suspicious something was up because his contact pattern was different. It was such an odd thing that he would turn up here at the end of such a horrible day. An odd way to announce he had changed jobs, and was now about to quit again. This apparently was day 4 at the driving job....and he was never going back. Instead of phoning them to let them know he was leaving, he just blocked them. Apparently they called 19 times, and he never replied to any of them. I guess he finds that easier than just telling them he quits.

Of course at this time he has also decided to buy himself a desktop Pc for gaming. Right before Christmas. Without a job.

Naturally I am now worried if he is not going to pay child maintenance. Perhaps he will just shive it off his mom or gran. It won't necessarily be the death of me, but it will definitely be hard. Particularly since Christmas is coming up, and my car decided now was a good time for the windshield wiper motors to both break down. And lord knows you can't drive a damn car is Scotland without wipers.  :-\ Apparently this is not a cheap fix and the garage has quoted me £1030 for two motors. It seems crazy a price for something so simple...but what the hell do I know about cars. I question if that is a normal price or if the garage is just trying to do one over one me. Trust issues.  :P


I've joined an online video chat group therapy session. I don't think I would ever consider individual therapy because the one time I went she just stared and 'umm hmmm' and 'aaahhhh' and 'how did that make you feel' me. I didn't find that style of therapy helpful at all. But when you are in a group and there is a 'topic' to talk about, and you can each share your individual experiences or thoughts...I learn a lot. I guess our trip to Tuscany was indirectly like that. It wasn't a 'therapy session' but stuff came up, and we all talked about it .... or not... as we saw fit. Listening to others share their views, thoughts, experiences really helped me to decide how I felt. Many times I didn't agree with what was being said, but that also helped, because sometimes I didn't realise I didn't agree until I heard it. And that in itself gave me some answers. In a weird way you could see where someone else was emotionally, and determine if that was where you were too. At any rate this therapy stuff is like that.

The main idea is to explore our role in relationships. What position we take, why we always end up in dysfunctional ones, or why they don't work out...or why we resort to patterns of behaviour. That type of deal.

So far we have talked about something she called the  'ok corral' and what it means our sorta childhood roots were based in. I will summarize below but I am sure someone else will know more. Hopefully my notes make sense to someone and help.
I'm Ok, you're ok = healthy, happy, positive, optimistic outlook on life -- healthy childhood relationship
I'm not ok, you're ok = feeling 'dumb, inferior, strange, not right' compared to others -- she said it is shame based, I thought low confidence
I'm not ok, you're not ok = negative, pessimistic, depressive outlook on life -- based in hopelessness, I thought of my mother's victim mode
I'm Ok, you're not ok = distrusting and judging of others -- based in anger, Scales from bullying to 'holy crusading' a moral idea

As she talked I found that all of these sort of scale, sometimes more extreme than others. After BD I was in the hopelessness mode but not for long. In fact it is a place I have never really visited outside of BD. So for the most part I am in the I'm Ok, you're not ok stage. I am not so far gone as to scream at the man in front of me or bully someone. But I certainly distrust everyone until they prove otherwise. It is not something I say outright, and would never point it out to them. But.. trust for me has only been given a few times. And betrayed all times. And thus it becomes harder to give. At one stage I remember being in the 'I'm ok, you are ok' phase. For over a decade before BD. I think that is why I was happy. Even though everything in life wasn't perfect, I felt like it was, because I felt in a healthy place of trust. I had a husband who was my best friend and I could trust. Therefore there are good people out there. Therefore I could afford to trust others just a little bit more. The betrayal of trust by my husband and best friend...has now set me back into my default mode of 'I'm ok, you're not ok'. A default mode that was set when I was just a child and can't really be unset. You can learn to think differently, surround yourself with people that help you feel differently...but when $h!te hits the fan you will default to one of the above.

What I found interesting though is a lot of times we hear the MLCer is based in shame. They run away from conflict, they hide, they lie...because of shame. It is also interesting that many times I appear to be angry, I am in fact hurt. The anger hides the hurt.

We then went on to talk about the drama triangle with each of the three points being Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Again in my mind this would scale. There are different levels of Victimhood (a little pessimistic to the entire world is against me), Different levels of Persecutor (Opinionated to bullying), and rescuer (hero to enabler). When the drama triangle gets 'healthy' these change to vulnerable, Assertive, and Caring. When looking at both these triangles separately it is interesting to note that my default positions are Rescuer and Persecutor...and avoid the Victim at all costs. On the healthy triangle again I am Assertive and caring....and avoid vulnerable. So while avoiding being a victim is good in my mind, it also means I inadvertently avoid being vulnerable with people. Which of course links back to the trust from the previous session 'Im ok, you are not'. I don't feel I can trust people enough to be vulnerable with them, so I hide my emotions behind anger. Ok... that's good. Kinda knew that.

More interestingly though it also means I am likely to instantly distrust people and see things that aren't necessarily there. Automatically assuming the worst, not offering the benefit of the doubt. Because I am always looking for a reason to trust them, reasons to distrust stick out more. A kind of self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I will say that this revelation is particularly prominent in my teenager years (understandable) and since BD. I don't think I felt like this while married. Well not until right before BD when I was getting reasons to. Yet now this default position has taken over and 'normal' people are all viewed as untrustworthy. And I am not sure how to fix that. Even though I can see it... doesn't mean you can change it.

At any rate now I am just waffling on about nonsense. Hopefully it helps someone or at least is an entertaining read with your morning coffee.

Today I have some work to do, then I am going to dye my daughter's hair. I was a bit conflicted about this because as their mom you like them the way they are, and don't want them to change their beautiful little self. But she really wants to do it, to express her individuality etc...and I don't want to be the mom to squash that either. So I have gone for a temporary 10 wash hair dye thing. That way she gets what she wants, it is safe for her, and if she hates it... well it will be gone in a few months. :)
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Treasur on November 30, 2020, 03:24:14 AM
Huge congrats to you, Morte  :)
And yes, well done for having the wisdom to balance your original target against reality lol. It was/is one hell of an achievement.....in fact maybe you should photocopy that certificate and make wallpaper  :)

Hmm, the Beast is still acting like a teenager deciding he doesn't like his paper round Saturday job, I see  ::) remarkable really how he can still find ways to f**k his own life up even more. Keep going, the sooner you can be financially independent the better imho. Let's hope Ms Skittles likes doing all the adulting and gets a better paid job  ???

And love, love, love the respect and wisdom and mother love in your decision to let your sassy girl choose (and learn) about her hair colour. Out of interest, what's the new colour? Pink, blue, firehouse red, platinum blonde...?
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Nerissa on November 30, 2020, 04:28:54 AM
How nice to read about  so much positive achievement.  Many congratulations.

(Hmmm...I’m pretty sure I remember a photo of some shocking pink hair...like mother like daughter...? 😁
Title: Re: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Milly on November 30, 2020, 05:01:49 AM
Morte, as your second mother, I am so proud of you achieving your BS, like so, so, so proud! In fact, your accepting the second, is an additional achievement. We can't be perfect every day, it's not normal for anyone, even though sadly that is what your parents lead you to believe (mine, too). I challenge anyone to get a first with 3 kids, BD and the death of a parent. As you said, it's amazing you didn't give up.

Thank you for sharing your group therapy experience. It gave me food for thought. I am also very distrustful of others now, too trustful before, now I just can't trust anyone, just LBSes.

Nerissa, that is a good one! And if I remember something else, the pink hair matched a pink rug?
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: readytofixmyselffirst on November 30, 2020, 05:11:20 AM
Hello,

Congratulations on your graduation. It is a special moment and I am so proud for you. It is a lot of work and a special accomplishment. I've got my Ed.D. on the wall prominently in the living room. LOL

What type of car do you have? The price seems very high to replace the motor. The price for one motor is between $40.00 to $90.00. The job itself is a little complicated but an experienced mechanic could easily complete the job in an hour or less. My estimate for such a job would be $500.00 if completed at a dealership and about $400.00 from a local mechanic and I think I am a little on the high side. So yes, the price is steep for you.

Sorry that Beast decided to leave one job for another thinking that he had found his new "career" in the delivery business. I know a few UPS guys and they work themselves to death. During the holidays, 13 hours is a short shift. LOL. I guess Beast is now going to try and make a living as a gamer.

Well, at least you are on the path to independence. It is a good feeling to have. Well, I better get ready for work, or I will join Beast at the unemployment line. Have a great day and enjoy your great accomplishment.

(((((Ready)))))

Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Seahorse on November 30, 2020, 06:25:08 AM
Beauty -
Nice update, and I also am proud of you.
I would certainly hang that degree in a spot of prominence in your house.
Great accomplishment under certain times of stress.  Bravo!

Also good mothering to let your growing daughter make her choices - with your input and slight control.  Good balance in my eyes.

Well, for beast..  He's still not ready to grow up.
Video games have always been a problem for him, IIRC. 
Any chance to get him into addiction counseling - (I realize he doesn't think he has a problem, of any kind...)
The avoidance of his work kind of really irked me because I see that temptation in my S22 and it drives me crazy!

Keep up the good work and let us know how it's going.

Sea
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: UrsaMajor on November 30, 2020, 07:00:34 AM
Hey Mort,

Congratulations on getting the sheepskin! Well done!

As for Beast... well.... what is there to say.... besides he isn't even blood rare cooked yet.... Still in teenage lala land.....

Screen addiction is a real thing too... He is too busy living in a fantasy world so he doesn't have to deal with the real one because he's turned it into a total $#!tshow.... and dealing with it would mean 1) accepting responsibility for his actions and 2) dealing with the consequences of his actions.... Neiother of which a Midlifer is ready to do until they are ready to grow up and leave Schmoopieland....
Title: Beauty into Beast 18
Post by: Acorn on November 30, 2020, 08:56:10 AM
Atta girl, Mort!

What an accomplishment.  Especially considering all other things going on in your life. 

I’m so very proud of you.

(((((HUGS))))))