Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: 1phoenix on July 27, 2017, 09:57:29 AM

Title: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: 1phoenix on July 27, 2017, 09:57:29 AM
Just wondering how you and your spouse handled

Your birthday
Their birthday
Your anniversary

Thanks!
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: LongWayHome on July 27, 2017, 09:59:56 AM
My BD was 3/4, and our anniversary 5/1.  I texted him on our anniversary, but just said 'hope you are doing okay'.  He texted back the same, but neither of us acknowledged the date.  My b-day was 6/11 - he texted me the day after.  So, when his birthday rolled around on 7/3, I did the same.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: xyzcf on July 27, 2017, 10:04:14 AM
We always acknowledge each other's birthday's with cards/gifts and he often takes me out to dinner. His gifts to me are very thoughtful and beautiful.

We acknowledge Christmas as well with cards and gifts.

Except for year one after BD, we do not acknowledge our anniversary. I attend mass and pray for us.

We exchange greetings on special holidays as well, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers and Father's Days.

He teases me about my favorite football team.

What can I say?????  I mirror his actions.

I could not imagine not wishing him a Happy Birthday...but I stay away from anniversary greetings as we really are not in a marriage any more.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Shocked on July 27, 2017, 11:06:47 AM
I have heard nothing from my xH other than to tell me and my ads his dad was in the hospital three days later. Not a word about anything else.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: pacasam on July 27, 2017, 11:32:02 AM
Neither of our birthday's nor our anniversary has come up since BD but we are approaching that time of year.  So time will tell.  My guess is it'll all just be another day afterall he BD'd 4 days after valentine's day.....why would I expect anything more or less?  the frickin' frackin' bum!!
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Milly on July 27, 2017, 11:50:10 AM
My H has always helped the kids buy me a birthday present since BD. He reminds them a few weeks before. I also get him a gift from the kids. Christmas we have ignored as he went away the very first Christmas after BD, but this last one he gave the kids money to get me stuff.

We have ignored our wedding anniversary, but this year he was out having dinner with the 3 kids the night before (July 15) and he told the kids that the following day would have been our 28 year anniversary, but he didn't acknowledge it to me.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: What now on July 27, 2017, 12:09:53 PM
It's only been his birthday since BD and Fathers day.

I asked ths kids if they wanted to go out and pick presents and they did so he got them.

I wished him a happy birthday but didn't get anything back. I didn't expect it either.

I just did what felt right at the time.

I don't expect anything on my birthday. It will be the anniversary of BD and we got together on my birthday too. I'm not going to let it get to me though. I'm still going to celebrate my birthday even if it is a bittersweet day
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: strongFaith34 on July 27, 2017, 12:35:28 PM
good question, do your MLCers say any gifts are from "the kids", when do they stop doing that and give something from themselves?

My MLCer doesn't like to accept anything directly from me, from the kids it's ok.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Mitzpah on July 27, 2017, 12:44:30 PM
I always wish him a happy birthday,  father's day, new year, Christmas, and Easter. He does the same to me, often only in response to me.

Like Xyzcf says, I could not imagine doing it any differently. We share children and so many years of history together.

I don't wish him a happy anniversary as we are not in a marriage anymore, he ignores it too. I make it a day of thanksgiving and happy memories of that special day!

I will help the kids with buying gifts for him and I know he has helped them with gifts for me. I don't give him anything personally on special dates but will often buy him small gifts and give them to him spontaneously. He doesn't give me anything personally. I did give him a TV recently but I said it was from all of us :P
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: BlueBird3 on July 27, 2017, 01:18:45 PM
interesting....on Mothers Day he did wish me a happy mothers day, so for fathers day, I have gotten him a gift, from the kids, and wished him well as well.  On my birthday (the first one to come up since 2nd BD)....he got me a card and gift card.  Our anniversary is coming up, and yes, I was going to wish him a happy anniversary, just acknowledging it, no gifts....might not even put "happy anniversary"...just "anniversary" since there is nothing happy about it. 
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: barbiedoll on July 27, 2017, 03:19:37 PM
My husband was out of the house when his birthday came around. No, I did not wish him anything .
BD destroyed my birthday, mothers day and our anniversary. Even reconciled ( sort of ) these dates are very painfull.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Tyks on July 27, 2017, 03:45:03 PM
I did not wish him anything. He responded with nothing at Christmas. He said Happy New Year a week later as he had to email me about something else so he must have figured he should mention it. My bday was in march. A week later I got an "I hope you had a good bday". Again he had to email about something else. Nothing for mother's day. But he didnt need to email about anything else around that time. I mirrored that with nothing at Father's day. Our anniversary is Aug 17 and his bday is Aug 28. I am debating whether to say anything. I will have to see how I feel at that time.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: xyzcf on July 27, 2017, 04:33:04 PM
I want to add something here...of course, not all MLCers are the same even when they exhibit some of the same traits.

Dec 2013, 4 years after BD, a big touch and go as he took me away to a lovely beach resort. On my birthday, there was a knock on our villa's door and a bellhop is holding a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses...our wedding flower and what he always would give me for my birthday, valentine's day and anniversary.

The bellhop hands them to me with a big smile, he says "Happy Birthday. He must love you so much". I was shocked and had "expectations" which you know by now were not met, yet.

He's in there somewhere....I know that to the bottom of my heart...but he remains frozen in a block of ice and cannot seem to thaw it enough to get himself out.

What I have done, is to follow my intuition and if it feels right, I go ahead with it...and at this stage...it is purely because of the love I have for the man he was...nothing more.



Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: nah on July 27, 2017, 05:24:08 PM

What I have done, is to follow my intuition and if it feels right, I go ahead with it...

hmmmm.... I should get a T-shirt with this quote.

In the early days, I put way too much thought into what he would think whether or not I sent him messages, if they said just the right thing, too much, too little, not appropriate.

Now? 

Firetruck it.

Sure, I'll send a happy birthday, a father's day message, holiday's whatever.... if I feel like it, if I don't feel like it, then I don't send anything.  It depends what mood I'm in at the time.

I don't care if he responds or not, I'm will never again change me for him.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: stillbaffled on July 27, 2017, 09:05:45 PM
Well he BDed me on HIS 53rd birthday but I had wished him happy birthday earlier that day.  Little did I know the present he was going to give himself..... :o

So nope.....no greetings for any holidays from either of us. 

I follow my intuition as well.  It tells me very clearly that he doesn't wish to hear from me and he really would like to continue believing I'd dead.   ;)
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: nah on July 27, 2017, 09:09:46 PM
I wonder if his new bride sends cards to her exes.

Does she buy in bulk?   ;)


Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: stillbaffled on July 27, 2017, 09:22:52 PM
Oh come on Nah......you don't really think she can keep track of all those anniversaries and birthday do you?!?!  Sheesh....she'd need a personal assistant for all that data!! 

But hey....just because I know you are totally amused by this AD, I'll share this with you as well.  Her 4th ex (the seemingly nice man that called me last year to tell me he was sorry to hear that I'd been unceremoniously kicked to the curb) told me she BDed him on their 12th anniversary.    She's a real piece of work, that one!   ::)
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: spock on July 28, 2017, 06:23:27 AM
Your birthday - (4 months after BD) Text at midnight. He also showed up on the night before my birthday ends to ask how my day was (bawling my eyes out but obviously I didn't tell him!!)
Their birthday - (9 months after BD) He was at mine on his birthday eve.. He stayed the night and I wished him in person ::). He also deactivated his FB for a few weeks, just so to avoid people posting on his wall? I don't know, he's never done this before. He lives on that thing. His father passed away a month prior to that too.
Your anniversary - (7 months after BD) *crickets* nothing. He was overseas for a couple of months and I was trying to GAL, so I was away on a roadtrip and he liked the FB photos a friend posted from the trip.

On V day (8 months after BD), he sent me a  :-* emoji.. Just that one emoji, nothing else. I was confused as hell  ??? !!
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Shocked on July 28, 2017, 09:02:35 AM
I wonder if his new bride sends cards to her exes.

Does she buy in bulk?   ;)




Nah I love you!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂

Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: nah on July 28, 2017, 09:20:48 AM
I wonder if his new bride sends cards to her exes.

Does she buy in bulk?   ;)


Nah I love you!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂

Actually it's SB that's a good sport.  Some of these MLCers are just too easy, they give us so much material.
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Shocked on July 28, 2017, 09:36:34 AM
Oh come on Nah......you don't really think she can keep track of all those anniversaries and birthday do you?!?!  Sheesh....she'd need a personal assistant for all that data!! 

SB I love you too!!!!😂😂😂😂😂

Nah I is right about the good material!!!!
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: nah on July 28, 2017, 09:43:32 AM
Oh come on Nah......you don't really think she can keep track of all those anniversaries and birthday do you?!?!  Sheesh....she'd need a personal assistant for all that data!! 

hmmmm.... if she timed it right and gets one more husband, she could celebrate a birthday and anniversary every month of the year!!

If the LBSers could stop being selfish with all our "destruction of families" nonsense we could see that she is just spreading joy with celebrations of luv.   :P
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: stillbaffled on July 28, 2017, 10:25:36 AM

hmmmm.... if she timed it right and gets one more husband, she could celebrate a birthday and anniversary every month of the year!!

If the LBSers could stop being selfish with all our "destruction of families" nonsense we could see that she is just spreading joy with celebrations of luv.   :P

BAHAHA.......I so wish we had audio - the gut busting laugh I just let out made my day. 

I've said it before, Nah......you have stand up comedy material coursing through you!  Could be a great side job for you!   ;D
Title: Re: Birthday or Anniversary
Post by: Thunder on July 29, 2017, 01:08:32 AM
After bd I never acknowledged any of these occasions.

4th year after bd my X started giving me cards and a gifts for Mothers Day, birthdays and Christmas, from the dogs.  lol
I mirror him and do the same.

Wedding Anniversary?   :o  Why? We're divorced.  No longer a day to celebrate.   :)