Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: 1950chevygirl on September 28, 2017, 06:47:29 AM

Title: Wanting to save my marriage
Post by: 1950chevygirl on September 28, 2017, 06:47:29 AM
Hello,
I have been married for 29 years and been together 33 years. I am 51, he is 48. We have had a good marriage until a year and a half ago. At that time he came to me and said he wanted to move out. No other woman is involed. We have just been fighting and he is tired of the fighting. I was shocked. I did everything I should not have. I cried, begged, pleaded, wanted to know why. We have stayed together this entire time. A few times he spent the night at our daughters house and a few nights I spent the night at our daughters house.

The entire time he has gone back and forth from wanting to leave me to wanting to fix the marriage. We went for a consultation with a counselor about a month ago and she asked him what he could do to help fix the marriage, he stated nothing, he has done nothing wrong. At that time the counselor suggested he get individual counseling. She recommended someone and my husband went the next week. He came home and told me that counselor told him to get a good lawyer, that his love for me would never come back and I was blackmailing him. I asked how I was blackmailing him and he said he didn't understand what the counselor meant by that. I have no idea what my husband said in that meeting for the counselor to say those things, but things have been way worse since then. He is now adamant that our marriage is over. He went out the next Saturday morning to rent an apartment. He was gone 2 1/2 hrs. He came home trying to start a fight with me. I refused. He then asked if we could talk. He said he did not get the apartment. He said he wanted to try the couples counseling. I was very happy. Then the next day he said, Can I tell you something? I don't think I can do the counseling.

 This gave me a whole new level of pain. The next day, Monday, he rented an apartment. It will be ready October 20. I have been reading self help books and have changed my ways a lot. He has said he sees the changes I have made but its too little too late. We continue to do everything as a family. We are getting a long good.  2 nights ago he asked me to not see counselors anymore, they are giving me hope and he doesn't want me hurt more later when we get divorced but then says he wants me to wait 3 months after he moves out to make sure things won't work out. He is very confused, all over the place.

 And I don't understand how we can be still doing everything together, getting a long good, but he's leaving me. I hope by us still doing everything together it means we will eventually work it out but his words say that we will not. Any advice and insight would be appreciated. I don't want to hold onto hope if he really is leaving and not coming back. He tells me this is all my fault and none his. Thanks!
Title: Re: Wanting to save my marriage
Post by: CallingHeart on September 28, 2017, 07:17:34 AM
It is good that he is seeing changes you are making.
As counterintuitive as it is, hearing what he is says right now is not productive because of all his confusion.
If you can listen to him but not hear, it might help you.  This means pay attention to him, but don't necessarily believe everything he says.  Old Pilot will send you some important links and in his introduction, he will mention to believe nothing that he says right now.

So, he doesn't want you to seek counseling to help you not get hurt more later when he divorces you?  Uhhh.... too late.  I would think you won't be able to avoid or lessen any pain that you are going to face now regardless if he stays, goes, or choses divorce.  Continuing your counseling will be important for you. Look around and establish a support network, including yourself in the list of those who support you.

There's also a list that was posted from the Divorce Busters admin.  If you haven't seen it before, it offers some really good tips. 
http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180 (http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180)

There is a saying from another site that "Where there is love there is hope" so you can rest assured that hope is alive.
You can always maintain hope.  No one can take that away from you.

Title: Re: Wanting to save my marriage
Post by: OldPilot on September 28, 2017, 07:27:47 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

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Title: Re: Wanting to save my marriage
Post by: gman242 on September 28, 2017, 07:43:29 AM
I'm sorry your here  :'( It's the best place to be for the worst reason.

I'm going to make an assumption and say that you did a lot of the "adjusting" in the marriage? The care taking, the getting over it, the seeing the brighter side and letting it go?

Your husband's confusion about whether he can do this or not sounds familiar. I'm just thinking seems typical, that leads to an MLC. Not all the time mind you, but usually one has more demands and needs and the other tries to smooth things out the best they can. The other one, the person in crisis, usually ends up unhappy and they don't know why and the reason is they won't look within themselves for the answer, or at least they've been avoiding for the majority of their lives.

My wife tried counseling too and she broke down on the couch and said the same nearly the same thing, that there's no promises that she can get through this. That's tough to hear,  because what wouldn't and haven't we not done for our spouses?

The only thing you can do is work on you and when the pain passes, I hope that you'll find you were given a gift in being able to find yourself and pursue interests and other things to find your own happiness.