Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: strongFaith34 on November 20, 2017, 05:08:59 PM

Title: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: strongFaith34 on November 20, 2017, 05:08:59 PM
The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids? How did those trips work out?
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?
Would love to hear from others who have experienced this with their MLCer


http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8954.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8954.0)


RCR Edited to fix topic icon.
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: barbiedoll on November 20, 2017, 08:26:38 PM
Quote
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?


Yes. It still shocks me . My husband did things and went places with his OW -cow EXACTLY like WE did as a couple. It was even more boggling when our therapist said " that is very typical" and she sees that all the time. WTF?. It is absolutely as if he took me out of the picture and put her in. .. and carried on doing the same things . And... those "things" were what I liked to do and enjoy... not necessarily him. It boggles the brain. There is likely some deep physchological explanation for this....
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: FaithWalker on November 20, 2017, 09:10:03 PM
The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids? How did those trips work out?
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?
Would love to hear from others who have experienced this with their MLCer

The holidays are coming up, has your MLCer taken trips with the kids?

My first BD was just a couple weeks before Christmas 2015.  We tried to maintain a sense of normalcy on Christmas and he told his parents that our M was over the day after Christmas.  We were D'ed in April 2016.  In Nov/Dec 2016 he started dating a lady and she moved 4 states away in January.  He pursued her by taking a trip out there a few weeks after she moved there.  He visited there again over Valentine's week.  He took a trip with her to New Orleans in March.  In April he lost his job of 14 years and put his house on the market.  In June he again visited her and they drove back here for her vacation, stopping in MO to meet her mom on the way.  Then he finally vacationed with the kids with her and her kids in tow, by taking them up to his M & F's town, whitewater rafting and taking everyone up to the family cabin.  Then he left the kids early on Father's Day to travel to Cali with her, where there he got engaged, after dating her for 6ish months from 4 states away.  He had just gotten the kids back the day before Father's Day from a trip that they took to MO with his parents but he chose not to go along.   In July he sold his house and moved out to her State.  At the end of July he had me send the kids out to him for 2 weeks and he took them to the surrounding States.  Back to MO to drop off/pick up her kids and see the St. Louis Arch, to Kentucky and IL for day trips.

How did those trips work out?
He was trying to play happy family with her.  I have no idea how the trips worked out, but the kids got to see some new sights and do an Escape room.  They were excited about adding a couple new States into their memories, but they did not have MLCers complete focused attention and were also confused by the onslaught and rush of the "new relationship" and her children into their lives.

Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?

The very first place he took her when she came to CO was to his family cabin, which was the place that he proposed to me.  With her living mainly in a different state while they were dating, I don't think there were many other revisits.  A lot of the places we used to go are no longer around as well.

His engagement ended in August and he has moved back here.  I have no idea what types of dates he has been on and places he visits now.  I only know that he has a POF account and possibly goes on coffee dates with women from on there.  No clue really.
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: Slow Fade on November 22, 2017, 12:26:15 PM
My H actually took a shirt out of my closet and gave it to her. I saw a picture of her and he with her wearing it. Can you say messed up?

Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: strongFaith34 on March 02, 2018, 12:49:23 PM
quick question, MLCer finalized the divorce

do I sign up for my own health insurance and car insurance right away?
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: Kitty on March 02, 2018, 01:25:02 PM
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?

My H took his OW on the vacation we booked back in September with our group of friends. I guess the whole trip was pretty awkward.

strongFaith34 - It might not be a bad idea to look into your own insurance.
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: Thunder on May 08, 2018, 09:50:58 AM
Bumping this thread up.
Title: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: strongFaith34 on June 17, 2018, 03:42:35 PM
Can anyone explain why the MLCer only shows normalcy or empathy when they are about to do something hurtful i.e. file for divorce, sell the home?

Do they ever outgrow this touch and go behavior, or is this bipolar behavior their new normal?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: nah on June 17, 2018, 03:50:52 PM
I think you answered your own question.  Watch your back when they suddenly seem nice.

As for growing out of their new behavior... each one is different. Almost impossible to predict if they will ever come out.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: strongFaith34 on June 17, 2018, 05:21:08 PM
For those who have gone through the process of selling a home with an MLCer. What is the process in dividing the sale of the house. Did the MLCer clean up the rest of the stuff they left behind? Seems like a difficult thing for an MLCer to do, since they ditched most of their stuff to begin their new life with their new identity.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: nah on June 17, 2018, 05:51:25 PM
Well, again, each one is different but for the most part, usually the faster you divide the better off you are financially. Many will give more in the early days bc they feel guilty, their feelings of guilt usually lessens with time.

I might hold the record for speed. Mine left with nothing more than an overnight bag. He had to buy socks and underwear the day after he left. I packed his bags and told him to pick them up. He did and never returned to our house again. That was over five years ago.

I kept the house and all it’s equity.  At the time, he was so afraid of dealing with looking at me, he signed everything over.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on June 18, 2018, 04:25:14 AM
Strong, do you have a lawyer?  They can help you with the process of dividing the assets.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Seahorse on June 18, 2018, 04:59:47 AM
Strong Faith:  Great question and one i have myself.  I can’t provide any personal experience, but how I am trying to deal with the possibility.

I agree with Thunder that a lawyer will deal with the assets, paperwork, etc.

For me, my main goal right now is to get MY STUFF organized and sort through what I want to keep versus donate in the event he files.
H gets upset because there is so much clutter and boxes around our garage and basement and claims that I’m a hoarder, but in over half of the boxes is his stuff that he doesn’t even realize that he has.  I want to be ready to move if that point ever comes and he can deal with his stuff.  If he claims he doesn’t want it (like nah’s didn’t care), it can go to the dump.  There are local companies who will do that pretty inexpensively.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: heroIam on June 18, 2018, 07:07:48 AM
I figured this was as good a place as any to ask these questions:

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.
Do we know for sure that rock bottom will actually hit, and why? Especially if no divorce is in process
What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?
What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

I hear a lot about the MLCer having to hit rock bottom, and I hear a lot about how OW is affair down so therefore that relationship won't last.  But then I read some cases where divorce has happened and the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.
I realize there is no crystal ball and all cases are different.  But these are some questions I've thought about and wanted to throw them out here.

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves.  But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: nah on June 18, 2018, 09:13:38 AM

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves. But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.

Yep, all the veterans will say this, and they are right BUT... I hated hearing the same phrase again and again in the early days, so let's play for the newbies.

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.

Great question.  One we all ask, I know I did.  Like an alcoholic or an addict, it's different for everybody.  For an addict, could be waking up sick every morning, losing their job, or death.  Just like a MLCer, we can love them but not enable them, it needs to be their rock bottom, their choice.  Some MLCers see their spouse moving on without them, maybe that wakes them up, maybe they lose their job, their favorite hobbies, lose family and friends, lose respect, integrity, financial security, death of a parent...

The Leaver lost every single one of those things... yet he's still rolling around in his bad decisions. 

What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?

Just b/c you don't see their consequences, doesn't mean he doesn't have any.  He needs to look in his mirror everyday.  If he was proud of his decisions, he wouldn't have a problem talking about them.

What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

Possible but unlikely.  Here's where it is possible...
If the OW really didn't know the MLCer was married.  BUT... once she found out, she walked away from that sh!t bc well-adjusted adults in a long term relationship who are "not feeling it" turn over every rock to work on the issues THEN get a divorce if it can't be fixed, THEN take some time to work on themselves THEN take some time to enter another relationship.  As for the person willing to enter a relationship with someone who has not done those things, well they are just as messed up.

the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.

Sure, many do continue on with the OW for years, but happily ever after?  pfft.  Did they fix their problems before they left?  OR... did they take their problems with them and try to bury them down and avoid them? 

If he's happy b/c he's a little boy who is afraid to face his fears and would rather spend his time with a manipulator/ enabler/ and/or insecure pathetic creature who has no problem destroying a family instead of a real woman who can take care of herself and their family, well I don't want him anyways...
do you?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Nas on June 18, 2018, 11:27:35 AM
Hero, here's my take. Rock bottom can be literally anything, even something that might seem insignificant.

In the account called A View of MLC from an MLCer (you can find this in RCR's blog called Greener Grass and Other Questions or something to that effect), the MLCer describes just waking up one day and his anxiety and depression could no longer be suppressed. If you read his account, it seems like he was living his life with OW, doing well at work, partying and enjoying his hobbies, and so I'm sure it seemed to all on the outside that he was doing great.  But then one day he woke up and, boom, he had what from his description sounds like pretty much had a panic attack and he woke up, or at least that's what started his wake up.

Amy C on the Divorce Busters site describes something about coming across a bad motorcycle accident and that's where she started to wake up.  At the time she had a good job and was still chasing "fun" things and living a life that probably looked to outsiders like she was pretty well done with her "old life."

It doesn't always have to be that the MLCer's life falls apart.  Sometimes rock bottom is something that happens within them.  Just my two cents.

Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: heroIam on June 18, 2018, 12:38:46 PM
Hey Nas.
I'll have to go back to the RCR articles to read up on this.
Thank you for your two cents.   ;)
I agree rock bottom can happen within them.  And I also know that for some, maybe rock bottom won't happen until they are much older, or have to have a major life event happen.

Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on July 14, 2018, 06:10:16 AM
bumping this up by request.
Title: Re: General Questions Thread Cont.
Post by: waiting4 on July 14, 2018, 06:19:25 AM
Quote
Does your MLCer revisit places you have been before ? Are the MLCers trying to relive memories with the x-spouse cut out of the picture?


Yes. It still shocks me . My husband did things and went places with his OW -cow EXACTLY like WE did as a couple. It was even more boggling when our therapist said " that is very typical" and she sees that all the time. WTF?. It is absolutely as if he took me out of the picture and put her in. .. and carried on doing the same things . And... those "things" were what I liked to do and enjoy... not necessarily him. It boggles the brain. There is likely some deep physchological explanation for this....


I just read this and have to say..WOW!! I thought my therapist was the only one saying this behavior is typical.. my H is currently doing this.. its actually becoming very disturbing.. OW is Peruvian, not born in this country and came here in her mid 20s.. all of a sudden she is decorating like me, dressing like me..doing family activities with her son and my H just as we did as a family.. just to name a few..its very creepy..and disturbing..
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on July 14, 2018, 06:29:02 AM
Waiting, that shows how desperate and insecure she is about you.

Why else would she want to be an exact copy of you?  Maybe so your H won't notice she isn't you.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Not Your Monkey on July 14, 2018, 07:47:19 AM
It could also be that your H is encouraging her to do this because that is how he likes his women to look.

I knew of a couple in real life that had a very distinctive and unorthodox way of dressing and I think it really had to do with living out a fantasy that sort of is straight out of a Hollywood film. But then the H started an affair with a much younger woman and SHE started dressing the same way as the wife and wearing her hair like the wife and personally my suspicion is in both cases it was a fantasy of the H and he made his wife dress that way and then he made the affair partner do the same thing as she was barely 19 when he got involved with her and now she is in her late 30s and still dresses that way and in fact has a blog devoted to their way of dress now.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Anjae on July 14, 2018, 01:33:38 PM
Or because it reminds him of his wife. Or maybe OW just decided to replicated the LBS. That happens a lot.

Most men don't have a "this is how I like my women to dress" thing.

With Mr J it is more going with OW to place we have planned to go to.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on December 25, 2018, 05:59:03 AM
Thought I would bump this up again because we seem to get a lot of general questions that would benefit everyone to read and discuss on one thread.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Shining Star on December 31, 2018, 07:15:55 PM
My exH took the kids away for Thanksgiving to a place we had been before - just the two of us.  He later sent me a text, when they returned, that they had visited a restaurant and he and I had gone, and it was "just as he remembered."  Since we have had NC for 11 months, the text was weird - but it is all weird.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: One day at a time on January 04, 2019, 08:05:40 AM
Is it normal to have palpitations and get extreme anxiety when I see a text, a mail or even someone tagging my H in social media? His sister just tagged him on something in FB and I had a very short but strong mini panic attack.. He's now in a different country, never really monstered and I'm not in fear for my safety so I just can't understand why I get that reaction.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: xyzcf on January 04, 2019, 11:17:33 AM
Answered on your thread.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: In the valley on January 04, 2019, 11:29:58 AM
ODAT - Idk what's "normal" anymore because non of it seems normal, but I get very high anxiety anytime mine sends a text.  That's partly why I'm not upset I haven't heard from her in about 3 months, even though she's dodging her half of the child expenses.  I'll have to stir the pot again when I get around to filing suit for child support.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on January 04, 2019, 11:43:59 AM
I agree, you are probably still pretty high on the anxiety chart after all that has happened so you're more sensitive to things like that.

It takes awhile to get anxiety to a more calm level.
Time will help, but your doctor can give you something that can help you for awhile.  Nothing strong just something to help calm the anxiety.
I think a lot of people have had to take something, temporarily.

Anxiety plays all kinds of tricks with your body.  It's better to get it under control.

Hope that helps some, One Day.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Sam I Am on January 04, 2019, 11:48:51 AM
One Day:  Great question!  I had that happen to me.  No reason at all.   I was standing in line at the store.  I suddenly had to leave.  Dropped all my stuff on the counter and managed to walk out.  Sat in my car on the verge of tears trying to catch my breathe for 20 minutes.  Once I could breathe the tears came.   

Looking back, standing there alone triggered something in me.  I shopped alone before so that didn't bother me....I think it was memories of us doing shopping together and having fun.   That was over a year ago.   I talked to my IC about it and she helped me with more mirror work and I had some afterwards....My biggest thing was accepting the triggers and not fighting them.  My IC helped me with breathing exercises to help relax when ever I felt one starting before it got too bad.   Eventually we figured out some triggers and that helped. 

In short....I faced them and didn't try to run from them and eventually they went away...for now.   I know I can handle them if they come back!
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: One day at a time on January 04, 2019, 12:13:28 PM
Thanks for all the responses. Ok, good to know I'm not gone completely insane then..

xyzcf, thanks for your explanation, I replied on my thread too..

ITV, I know, we crave their presence and attention but we don't want it either.. It's really mind-blowing!! I have 3 different reasons to contact H and I'm putting it off because even thinking about it makes me very anxious..  I get frustrated with myself for having these reactions which makes things even worse.

Thunder, you might be right.. If I think about the weight I lost and the fact that I haven't put it back on despite over indulging a lot more than before, it's probably down to stress and anxiety. I take magnesium twice a day to help me with my nerves but I might need something stronger.. If I can't get a handle on it, I will discuss with my doctor..

Sam, the list of triggers in endless! I completely understand the supermarket scene, I actually started going to a different supermarket because the whole shopping experience was too much for me. I went to IC earlier this year and she taught me breathing exercises too now that I think of it but I was so traumatized I think I just used the sessions to cry.. I've been thinking about going back for a while so now I feel a bit stronger, I might get more out of it.

What makes all of this worse is that people in RL think I should be fine, move on, forget about it all.. They really don't get all the trauma we need to get over and all the side effects we are left with..
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Caroline on April 20, 2019, 02:00:41 PM
IS RCR on this forum? I tried to search RCR and did not locate it. Can you help me find it? I would like to read it.

Caroline
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: limitless on April 20, 2019, 02:54:24 PM
IS RCR on this forum? I tried to search RCR and did not locate it. Can you help me find it? I would like to read it.

Caroline

RCR is Rollercoasterider.  This is her website.  If you go to the main page of the Hero's Spouse Website, not the this forum, she has shared portions of her story.

L
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: 1trouble on April 27, 2019, 11:58:18 AM
Can someone explain to me why the thread about the OW/OM has been locked?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 27, 2019, 12:36:34 PM
Sorry--I meant to post a comment on there. We have locked it--after moderator discussions--for a cool down period. I like the thread--but as you know it went a bit of topic. I will try to remember and come back and post a reason on the thread itself later--making lunch now.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: 1trouble on April 27, 2019, 12:53:19 PM
Thank you

Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on April 28, 2019, 02:19:44 AM
I wrote a pm note , lost it , how do i find it?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on April 28, 2019, 02:41:12 AM
I hope OP suggestion worked for you.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on May 18, 2019, 04:37:42 AM
Can rcr elaborate on intermittant liminality? My h has always said he doesnt see a future with his ow. well that was 2 years ago and still together. a year ago they broke up and h said he wasnt going to last much longer?   it is stated in the article that  knowing they want to end it happens LONG before they end the affair? how long is long? When they got back together, it seems as though they have developed a more "real" relationship. she finally met his mom. went on vacation together with her kids.  In the same time connecting with my kids more.  more cycling from his end ,it seems.  What is going on?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on May 18, 2019, 05:08:12 AM
KB, I'm sorry I never heard that term "intermittent liminality."

Was that in her articles?  I looked but couldn't find it under her articles on liminality.

Is he acting very depressed?  The depression usually gets much worse when they are in the liminality stage.
 
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: OldPilot on May 18, 2019, 05:19:20 AM
  it is stated in the article that  knowing they want to end it happens LONG before they end the affair? how long is long?
I am not RCR but normally anyone trying to put a TIMELINE on anything MLC is on a fools errand.

JMHO
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Milly on May 18, 2019, 01:56:10 PM
The Intermittent Liminality article is in the Blog articles list.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Anjae on May 18, 2019, 02:05:17 PM
https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/intermittent-liminality/ - Intermittent Liminality

parts of the article:

"Recall that the seeds of each stage begin in the preceding stage. Whether an MLCer’s main Liminality is intermittent or not, most will begin with Intermittent Liminality as part of their transition from Escape & Avoid. They will initially dip a toe into the liminal pool, venturing deeper on later visits, but at this point they are still in Escape & Avoid. Eventually they will go deep enough to drink the liminal water—liminal poison."

"Liminality may be a distinct phase where a person goes into a liminal space and stays there until they climb out of the liminal space. But that is not how it is for everyone. Life goes on and not everyone has the opportunity or ability to withdraw from life and functionality. For some, Intermittent Liminality may be their main method of going liminal. They take their liminal space as they can get it: weekends away or spent in solitude, mini vacations—either leaving or staying home."

"But what if they are still in a relationship with the same person from Replay?
Intermittent Liminality is part of the Limbo transition and thus it begins in Escape & Avoid. This may be the period when the relationship ends. The boundary between Escape & Avoid and Liminality is subjective, there is usually not one moment where they are in one and then they cross into the next a moment later. The affair is likely coming to an end, but as with everything, that is a process. "

The whole article is worth reading.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on May 18, 2019, 07:11:50 PM
Thanks Anjae.

I never, in all these years, read that article.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on May 19, 2019, 01:34:42 AM
My question was , can rcr expand on the subject?  please  I know timelines arent an exact but curious.   Is limbo considered around the end of replay?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on May 19, 2019, 06:52:23 AM
I don't know.  I hope RCR reads this so she can answer you.

As far as I know they don't all go into limbo.  It's not really a stage, some just get stuck I guess.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Mitzpah on May 19, 2019, 11:48:55 AM
Kb,

From what I remember reading about stage obsession - people get stuck in replay. Not in limbo or liminality

That is what I observe with my h. - he is stuck in replay - quite different from the beginning, not high replay. He is quite conversant with the kids, he can be quite nice with most people... He is just very active in replay activities (fixing motorcycles) and very sure that he doesn't want to come home. He is showing to the world that his relationship with ow is his ideal.

I am thankful for the good relationship he has with our children.

Whether he will ever look in my direction, who knows? It has been over eight years now
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Anjae on May 20, 2019, 12:39:19 PM
You're welcome, Thunder.

Keep, Limbo is not a stage, it is a phase between stages:

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/limbo-the-threshold-between-phases/ - Limbo: The Threshold Between Phases

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward.html - Back-Limbo-Forward--Repeat

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html - Limbo


What Mitz said, if they are going to get stuck, MLCers will be stuck in Replay. What may happen in limbo (the one between Replay and Liminality) or liminality is that they may get so depressed they will try to kill themselves.

No one knows the timelines. They are different for each MLCer.


Maybe reading and re-reading the articles may help you, Keep?

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/archives/ - Blog articles

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html - Main articles
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on May 23, 2019, 02:19:51 AM
What i read is most get stuck in limbo?  Im assuming this is when the high from replay doesnt do it for them anymore but continue because they dont know what else to do.
RCR is this correct?
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Anjae on May 24, 2019, 09:59:12 AM
Did you read RCR articles, Keep?

If they continue in Replay because they don't know what else to do, they are still in Replay. They will only move from Replay if they reach Liminality.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on September 17, 2019, 02:30:13 AM
I was looking for the article in which the mlcer gives reasons that he  wont/cant  come back.  can you help me find it? particularly the one about too much damage , Thanks
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 17, 2019, 02:52:25 AM
Oh boy Keep, I think I know which one you're talking about.
I'll try to find it. 
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 17, 2019, 03:59:36 AM
KB sorry, I couldn't find the one I was looking for but if you go to "Reality Bites" part of this article there is some information about them seeing all the damage done, fearing there is no return. There are also ones who have no desire to come back.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_liminality.html
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on September 18, 2019, 04:18:27 AM
I looked back at the articles.   The threshold between describes h.   too much damage, even asked recently about how to fix it. completely avoiding liminality.  back and forth. What could possibly push him forward into full liminal depression? 
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 18, 2019, 04:42:05 AM
Kb, I don't believe there is anything you, or anyone else, can do to hurry it along.
It will need to come from him.  As irritating as that is. When he is really ready to face the reality of what he has done, I expect he will.

Sometimes it just takes a small thing to send them into depression bad enough to want to change.

Sometimes it's something big.  No one knows what causes them to go into liminal depression, but you would see it.
It is a dark place they go in.  Not just your normal MLC depression.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on September 27, 2019, 03:00:57 AM
There was a section that mentioned the stubborn mlcer. Could you tell me where to find this ? thanks
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 27, 2019, 03:57:53 AM
KB, can you be a little more specific?  Stubborn in what way?  Most of them are stubborn.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on September 27, 2019, 07:02:31 PM
Rcr wrote about it. Thats all i remember.  My real problem is , i cant seem to find the article list anymore.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 27, 2019, 07:49:36 PM
KB,

I have the same problem.  There are a lot of articles by RCR and there are various ways to find the lists.

This may help some.
https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/2013/08/11/midlife-crisis-resources-at-the-heros-spouse/


Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on September 30, 2019, 07:15:43 AM
There was a section that mentioned the stubborn mlcer. Could you tell me where to find this ? thanks
I cant seem to find the article list anymore.
List of Blog Articles--Archives (https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/archives/)
List of Main Site Articles--Chapter Contents (https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html)

It's been maybe a year since I updated the design of things at the main site. Since then some hyperlinks have stopped working and I've had to fix them. I am not sure if I have fixed some more than once. PLEASE let me know if a link doesn't work or if it goes to what seems to be the wrong place.

As for an article about MLCer's being stubborn, I don't recall writing about that as a specific topic, but have mentioned that they are stubborn perhaps a few times. Try a google site search: site: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com stubborn and another site: loveanyway.theherosspouse.com stubborn.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Thunder on September 30, 2019, 03:37:59 PM
Thanks RCR, that is very helpful.
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on October 02, 2019, 03:46:48 AM
Thanks
Title: Re: General MLC Questions ?
Post by: Keep believing on November 18, 2019, 02:07:40 AM
Anyone know how Mitzpah is doing?