I'm so sorry Help, what a long road.  Hang in there, hopefully there will be some light soon.

Happy New Year Acorn!

Greetings and salutations, all.

For those who do not know me, I'm one of the Class of 2011 along with Ready2Transform (Hi Ready!) and so many others. XW was a classic MLCer who abandoned me and our kids shortly after I discovered her affair with a married lawyer. She moved about a dozen times in three years but each time it was to be convenient for him to get sex or whatever from here while under the guise that he was working as he and his wife lived in a different city several miles away. after a few years his wife discovered the affair and left him, and that's when XW told D25 about the affair and that she was happy that he left his wife as now the two of them could live happily ever after. This devastated D25 (who was then 13) as she could not imagine the mother she had known not only behaving in such a way but bragging about it and expecting her to be happy about it. XW's plans did not work out though as lawyer boy dumped her like last week's garbage after she helped him find a house in our town and moved in a 24-year-old and her two kids which left XW devastated. The Karma Bus drove straight over her but I did not rub it in or celebrate how she was treated just as she had treated me. Revenge was not my intent.

XW had a string of losers and poor decisions after that and currently is with probably the biggest loser she's been with and has been for almost 10 years. The kids despise him and he refuses to be anywhere I'm at for some reason, which is fine with everyone as he's never been invited to or participated in family functions. This past summer D25 decided to take XW up on her offer to stay with her between college semesters (both she and S21 received full ride scholarships at a prestigious university in our state). D25 said she witnessed early on the verbal abuse that XW's boyfriend engages in and finally reached a breaking point when he was calling XW names. D25 stood up to him and told him not to talk to her mother that way and he started in on her and started calling her names, too. (He and I are going to have a face-to-face talk about this whenever I catch him in public.) He kicked D25 out of their house and XW took his side. A few days later D25 ran into them at a restaurant and XW told her she owed the boyfriend an apology and it was none of her business how he talked to her (XW.) D25 said she refused to apologize to him and left the restaurant very hurt that her mother would allow someone to verbally abuse her and call her names and not take up for her.

Fast forward to this past December. Both D25 and S21 are aspiring musicians and juniors in the university working on music degrees. XW has not attended a single one of D25's performances in over two years but makes it to most of S21's. If both are in a concert together she's about 50/50 on making it, always offering some sort of excuse even though my fiancee has offered to let her ride with us many times. This has hurt D25 immensely even though she says she's used to it. In December, both kids had concerts withing two weeks of each other and XW made it to S21's and while talking to all of us in the parking lot made the comment that she liked S21's section better than D25's. This sent a dagger through D25 and was the catalyst for D25 to apparently give up on school and stop taking her anti-depressants. D25 ended up skipping out on her finals and moved to a neighboring state with a total loser she met on the internet and his family. D25 has transferred jobs to the rural community and cut all ties with the college and me apparently as I haven't seen her since Christmas and she visited the rest of the family on her birthday (31st) without even telling me she was in the state.

My biggest problem is that XW is cheering her on. XW had to drop off something for S21 the other day so I invited her in to talk with her about D25 and my concerns. At the time, XW did not even know she had dropped out of college or moved to the other state and seemed to really be concerned as well. I shared with her how her missing D25's concerts but making it to S21's has affected her and how her comment was taken about liking his section better. I was not accusatory and told her I knew she loved the kids equally and that she would never do anything to hurt either of them. That was a white lie on my part as I believe she has always seen D25 as a younger version of her and projected her self-hatred onto D25, possibly unwittingly. She agreed to talk to D25 and see if she could get through to her. Unfortunately, being the scumbag parent she is she ended up giving D25 a 'You go, girl!" and told her how proud she was of her and was glad she was happy. Yes, D25 threw her life down the toilet and XW cheered her on for doing it. D25 sacrificed a full scholarship as well as crapping on her advisor and all the ones who had helped her get the scholarship and gone to bat for her.

At this point I honestly wish XW would just drop dead and wish she had 15 years ago instead of putting me and the kids through what she has. MLC or not, she is a worthless person and undeserving of forgiveness at this point. I've dealt with the neglect, abandonment and emotional abuse of our kids enough as she put whatever man she was with ahead of them but her celebrating D25 throwing her life away is the final straw. I closed the door on reconciliation when she admitted to the affair and am awaiting the Tribunal's decision on the annulment so that my fiancée (one the of truly best people I have ever met) can marry in the Fall. My life goes on and XW's continues to be a train wreck from Hell. She deserves whatever she gets but I can't shake the feeling that with D25 throwing her life away XW finally got the victory she always wanted. Not in a good place right now.

Peace to you all.

Hi, all

I get videos by John Griffin in my YouTube feed; he's a men-focused life coach, but this episode on acceptance and forgiveness applies to all. It's basically the advice many of us give to everyone at some point, but maybe the packaging here will be more effective for someone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbQY9lUQOy0

JB

Oh xyz, I send you love during this time of transition. But seeing how you two came full circle at the time it was most important leaves me in awe (I hope that does not make light of your loss). Thank you for coming back to share this with us, as you always said you would.