UrsaMajor - that is what I keep coming back to - Xh and his continual choices. It was so utterly unnecessary to say anything at all the other day. He chose to stir the pot, and I think he likes that it upsets the kids and I. It means he still can get a response out of us.

D went back to school and is trying to focus on what she needs to. S told me he is trying to keep himself occupied and allowing himself to feel.

In the mix our younger cat, who has been known to wander from time to time, but always comes back went missing within a day or two of our neighbor passing away. This cat moved in with us a couple of years ago and the older cat and he were inseparable. The older cat goes out every morning and night and does a quick sweep looking for him. I had convinced myself in the nearly 3 weeks he has been missing that either he has been taken in by someone or the coyotes had gotten him. He was very smart and had "outdoor cat smarts". My niece doesn't like cats, but loved this one. She proclaimed one day he was an angel. S was especially fond of him. We all were quite frankly, even when he would wake one of us up when in the middle of the night he wanted to play.

I have been going out every morning and night calling of him, knowing it was possible he was maybe lost. This morning I felt so very alone when I was driving my F to his PT appointment and spotted what turned out to be our cat. It didn't register at the time - I think I was in shock. I came back home and drove the short distance, as it is a busier road on that side of the house and the minute I got out of the car I knew it was him. He has been trying to get back home and must have turned quickly to avoid a car, but it must have clipped him. I don't even know how I managed to pick him up in the towels I brought with me. I had told S and he was going to come home to bury him. I made decision to not let S see the little ball of fur in that state, even though he looked like he was napping in the sunlight to some degree. We have had enough sadness and I really don't remember making the call to the vet and some of the steps between. It is a blur to be honest. I just knew I had to have the cat cremated so that the kids have something and we will do what we have done with all the pets since Xh left.

I know my person was not here, but has been checking on me. I have that support and that means so much.

I think this is stirring up some weird emotions for me in regards to Xh. When he left, he left D's cat and his own cat. That cat became so anxious when he left, she tore up a couch and it took a long time for her to relax. I became her person. She was a cranky old cat, but she and I had been through all of MLC together. She lived a very long life and when she finally had to be put down, I had to do that on my own.

The older cat, he is still here, and I don't really know how. He seems to hold on for D. This summer he had an injury that should have done him in and yet, he fought through it. He sleeps at the end of my bed when I am home, but the minute D is home, he goes straight to her. The younger one, used to follow and they both would curl up on her bed. It was as if the older cat was training the younger one to take his place.

The dog we have now, is our dog, but before that we had the dog S got when he was in 6th grade. Xh actually wanted to emancipate S and fought about paying any support for either kid, but wanted custody of the dog. The judge was furious when she asked whose dog it was. Xh came back with S's and then proceeded to ask for every other weekend - for the dog. Not the kids. Very odd to witness. When the kids and I had to make the decision to have her put down, Xh didn't come to console the kids. He showed up at the vet's office and took photos of S holding the dog and then posted them on social media. S was furious. That was not the moment S wanted documented nor shared. Xh never offered to help pay for the cremation nor did he really bring any comfort. It was all about him. No surprise.

What maybe has me mildly triggered is me having to deal with the fallout from Xh's behavior this past weekend and now having to tell the kids makes me feel very much like I did with those other moments. It is falling on me and it is overwhelming. It is hard for me to process my own feelings because I have to be the one dealing with the hard stuff that Xh not only walked away from, but likes to make harder.

Compounding it was the fact that as I was putting the cat into the collapsible basket I brought with me, the neighbor, whose S we just had the memorial for drove into his driveway. He saw me as I was getting back into my car. He waved but I know he will ask me later what I was up to. That stupid little cat would wander over to see him and his W when they were outside. My neighbor loved that cat and was sad he was missing. I am a blubbering fool right now and sad, but I cannot equate losing my cat to losing a child. And he doesn't need more sadness heaped on him.

In all of this, the man in my life has been checking in. I know if he could be here he would be. That is such a good feeling. Right now I am wrestling through the trigger and just the sadness of this. Part of the sadness is that cat found us. He came during a rainstorm and adopted us when my M started her biggest changes in dementia. My M would ask me to bring him to see her when my parents stopped in. She chose the name D used for him. Losing him is bringing back feelings of losing my M again on top of it. Part of me is telling myself M and Cookie Monster - who loved that cat are baking cookies and that cat is now with them. That is what I keep telling myself at least.

Thank you UrsaMajor & FaithWalker.

Yes, it was the young man - the "Cookie Monster" we lost. It doesn't seem real and while losing my M was really awful, this almost is harder to grasp. He was so young and so good. My M, had a really full life and I was blessed to have her for so long. This -- makes no sense at all.

The memorial service was this past weekend. My "good man" made the trip here even though I was finding every excuse for him not to come. It wasn't that I didn't want him here, in fact on the contrary. I just am not terribly good at asking for things. I think I have become so accustomed to being on my own, that more than before, I think about how I don't want to inconvenience anyone and I can do it on my own. I am glad he made the final decision for me. I may have been bouncing around the room during what I would call more of a celebration of "Cookie Monster" than a memorial. It was not somber, yet there were plenty of tears. It was an outpouring of how much support the family has and how loved this young man was. It was in fact overwhelming seeing how many people showed up. The venue was packed to capacity and that is not counting those who came in and left throughout the afternoon.

S and D drove together and hadn't arrived yet, when I was greeted by S's friends. I was congratulated on my engagement, which surprised me. The one friend who S has known for several years mentioned S had told him immediately and was really happy for me. I had a smidge of guilt feeling so happy for myself, but I am learning more and more that grief and happiness can happen in the same time period. It is an odd mix. Life is not neat, nor are the emotions that come along with life's events.

My sister had prepared D for Xh's arrival and told D the reason I hadn't told her the night before was because I didn't want to ruin D's evening. D had been asked to be in her friend's bridal party and they were having a get together for the bride's maids. My sister worried I was going to be upset that she was the one that broke it to D, but I wasn't. It didn't matter who told her. D was already a mess, she is so heartbroken about their "little brother" as she calls him. S has had me to grieve with at home and his friends. D is back at school and it's a bit harder for her to just let go.

She did share with me that about a week after "Cookie Monster" died, she took a walk and sat by the lake. She was crying uncontrollably. A couple came by and asked if she was okay. She told them she had lost her close friend - her little buddy - and they in turn comforted her and asked her to tell them about him. I keep tearing up, knowing there are good people out there who took the time to comfort a complete stranger.

The need for boundaries though, it would seem have reemerged. Xh showed up to the event. S told me Xh almost refused to show up but S said it really was not about Xh's feelings and Xh owed it to the neighbors, who we had known for many years. Xh and the neighbor were once close friends and that young man was at the house every day practically. Xh at least had known him well for the first 13 or so years of this young man's life.

S has not shared with Xh that I am engaged and has not shared with him much about my life. S told me it is not Xh's business and I can share what I wish with him, but he won't be just giving Xh access to my life. Nor does he tell me much about Xh, beyond sometimes a funny story or that Xh and his one B are now not speaking after spending 2 weeks together. Another feud that will go on and then suddenly they will all be traveling together or whatever and never resolving what the argument was about in the first place. It is why the one BIL I stay in touch with doesn't have much to do with the family. He said the family desire to have constant drama is tiring.

I caught a glimpse of Xh when he came in. The venue is very oddly laid out and Xh spent a great deal of time at this place with FIL. The kids and I would sometimes be with them, but they were there at least once a week, since FIL found some people to converse with. So, Xh knows the venue well. He would know it has at least 4 entrances/exits. He would know that there are a couple of outer corridors that loop you back to the main areas. There are three main areas all connected in the center with sliding louvered doors if one needed to close off an area. It is not going to win any architectural awards, but it is perfect for this type of gathering, or at least it is one of the few venues locally that can handle larger crowds of that nature that isn't ridiculously expensive to rent. The point is, Xh's "move" was calculated. I have no doubt in my mind.

I was standing with my back to him at one point and he at the other end of the building. I was clearly with someone as we stood with one another and D was across from us. At some point Xh had made his way to the bar. He had to have walked right by us, unless he used the corridor or the "secret passage" the kids used to call it - when they were younger they used to giggle because they would go down that hallway and pop up at the other end of the building and we were supposed to act surprised like it was some magic trick. IDK if Xh walked past us to the bar or not - none of us saw him.

Xh made a choice. There is no doubt in my mind about it. He chose to walk past us on the way back. He chose to make a statement. He could have taken any other route or even gone to other side of the pass through which is a very large opening and avoided us. He made a definitive choice. I saw him immediately and my "good man" saw my expression change. Xh was coming towards us. D's back was to him. He looked right at me and snarked "I am just going to keep on moving" or something of that nature. It was in the tone - not the words so much. It was meant to be a stab. D knew immediately who said it and saw his back heading towards the other end of the venue to where S's friends were. The one friend would later come up and stand next to D and knows something had to have happened. D was practically a puddle on the floor at one point. My "good man" walked away at first to give D and I a moment so D could just sob. He then stepped back into place, allowing his tall stature stand in a way that allowed D to block the view of Xh. I had moved to the other side near D and could see Xh just looking back. Part of me wanted to take him outside and just tell him all the things going through my mind in that instant. I knew that was not going to help the situation. I would look like the crazy XW and it is not what needed to happen. It was not the right time or place for one. The kids didn't need it and frankly, I didn't need to use up more energy on him.

Now, how do I know it was intentional? It would come out later that my sister had seen him on her way out. He spoke to my F and said how much he thought of my dad and missed him. I am sure that was sincere. My F was very touched - WAS. He is not feeling very happy about it now. My sister told Xh that his family was inside and the kids were really not handling any of this well. Now, my poor sister is feeling bad because she used the term family. I have told her none of this is her doing and that is just a general term used. It was still accurate. His kids are his family. It doesn't matter if it somehow made him upset. That was his choice to leave the family. All choices have consequences. Some good, some not good. That is how choices work. He can be upset with whatever he wishes but he has to own his own part in his choices. He doesn't and it is very clear he still doesn't. He snapped back at my sister that he only has a relationship with one of his kids.

It is very telling that he has no plans to reconcile with D. He wants her to suffer and beg is my guess. I hate to inform him he has now put the final nail in the coffin with D. I don't see him coming back from this. That event along with my M dying were easy ins for him. The mere fact that "Cookie Monster" could have just as easily been one of his own children. Why not see that life is full of moments things change on a dime? Instead he chose to throw fuel on a fire.

My anger with him has subsided to a degree. I do not want to hear how he is suffering and lashing out. I don't want to hear how he is in crisis. My new boundary with him is being set because he chose to be cruel to D. I have seen how cruel he can be in crisis. Get help - that is my answer to him. I don't have to and won't put up with his "emotions". I have been going through family photos and such. I found a box full of what are his photos. I was going to give them to him. I am going to give them to my BIL instead, as many are of the family as children. I am done being thoughtful. I will keep the wedding photos and happier times to show my kids they were not imagining a F who loved me or them.

I won't totally erase history, but I am starting a new life with someone who makes me feel loved and secure. Xh has shown he is not going to play nice and I am now having to place a boundary and maybe it is time to reconsider that moat with alligators in it around the house. 

Thanks so much Offroad! I really appreciate your thoughts on how I could have influenced him to become a vanisher. If that’s the case, then I am pleased with that outcome because it suggests there is still a seed of respect toward me, and I also can’t imagine how frayed my nerves would be if he was still clinging so fiercely.

Thank you, that’s great advice. Early on in this I made a list of all the local groups and activities that I might like to go to, and some volunteering opportunities that would get me outside and in nature (since I don’t have a garden, and used to spend whole days each week gardening at his). Work has been so full on for me (a good distraction in itself) that I haven’t been able to explore as many of them as I’d like to, but once I’m more able to I will make sure I do! I’m so happy it was a restorative experience for you!

Big hugs to you too. I really appreciate your advice and I hope I can become a better person from this as well!

Faithwalker - I remember reading your story because I was 37 at BD too! Thank you so much for saying that you would have put those boundaries too, if you didn’t have your kids, as I have been torturing myself over whether that was the right thing to do, but realise now if I hadn’t done I don’t know how I’d have coped with the clinging craziness!

It sounds like you have reached an amazing place of peace and acceptance and that you have so much in your life to be proud of! It’s inspiring, and I really appreciate your advice - ‘one day at a time’ is my mantra at the moment, I have to remind myself that I need to get through the day let alone be worrying about a million eventualities that haven’t even happened yet!

Just unloading:

I found out last week that a co-worker (I'll call Blondie) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. (I knew she got some bad news a few weeks before that, but not the specific issue.) I think she's in her late 30s or early 40s, and has a six-year-old son. She's pretty private, so I don't know her personal situation beyond that regarding husband/partner/family/etc. We both worked on the same program for a couple of years; I was the "overhaul" lead, and she was the "maintenance" lead. She moved to another department in 2021 or so, and I applied for and took over her old job since the program overhaul was being completed and the new version was going into maintenance status. (That was about a year after my wife left, so I had a lot going on, to say the least.)

We both work with someone I'll call OtherJB (we have the same first name), and OtherJB and I wound up moving to her department. He had a miserable manager and went first, and then recruited me to work on a new program he was leading. Blondie and OtherJB are much closer friends, as they both had the same manager for a while at the old job, and their kids both go to the same school. Blondie has mostly been working remotely but came in to work for a meeting last week; she was going to tell people her diagnosis then, but couldn't bring herself to do it. (I don't know if I could either. I'd probably just quit and go on the big motorcycle ride.) She texted OtherJB after the meeting and gave him permission to let people in our close circle know, which can't be easy for him either. (Our manager is also BFF with Blondie, from working together on another high-stress program. We have a lot of those.)

Blondie is really sharp and has a pretty wicked sense of humor; something in me clicked at the start of this year and I finally decided I was past my divorce, and realized I had a crush on Blondie. Of course, coworker + unknown personal situation = keep it to my dang self. But, it was nice to know I could feel that way about someone again.

I also found out that this was Blondie's dream job; I felt she put too much time into work and too little into life, but if that's what made her tick... She's still consulting on all of her projects, but we're distributing lead responsibilities. I don't know if her chances are greater than zero or how much time she has; we have limited medical expertise in this state, but I have to think she got a second opinion or it's so bad it's plainly obvious. The whole thing makes me think of Warren Zevon's "Keep Me In Your Heart." I'm sure we will, and if the end comes I'm thinking of getting her a plaque at the local museum related to our industry. Maybe someone else will think of it as well, but as our department's ersatz Morale, Welfare, and Recreation officer, I feel like it's up my alley.

I'm not sure if this was inspired by Blondie's situation, but you know how we recommend that standers put their marriage in a box and tuck it away on a shelf for the time being? I took that literally: I made a wood box and put the pair of funky wine glasses we bought as our sort of wedding memento to ourselves in there. This weekend I opened the box and put the wine glasses on the shelf for use. No point in keeping them tucked away any longer. Not sure I have any other use for the box, but I hate throwing useful things away.

To end things on an upbeat note, the YouTube algorithm pointed me to a guy who made the most of the Covid lockdowns. (This is one of the few of his videos that's safe for work...) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vBwRfQbXkg

Enjoy every sandwich,

JB

I have had such a good week.  Although I was sick last weekend and worked a lot of hours this week, it was still such a great week.  Last weekend was the last weekend I worked the HOA job, so this weekend I had an entire weekend back!  So nice!

Monday, I was still feeling puny so I skipped my ladies group so I'm looking to get back with my peeps this week.  It's been such a great group of gals.  We've bonded over happiness and heartbreak.  We've lost one of our own and we've all had ups and downs.  It's a great mix of ladies, some going through D's, some married, some blended marriages, etc.  I feel that I can be a voice of wisdom based on my journey here.

Tuesday I went with a couple friends and met some of their friends for dinner and Marg's at a Mexican Restaurant.  I stuck with a virgin pina colada that night.  I've been off my program but planning on starting it again soon.  We then went to the movies together and had a great time, even though the movie got out close to my bedtime.

Wednesday I drove 45 minutes and met up with a friend of mine for a Paint and Sip night.  We had hard ciders and a cheese and fruit platter and had a lovely time, even though my Fall painting is pretty elementary!  I still hung it up in the hall upstairs.

Thursday I was going to go play pickleball again with the singles group, but the rain and thunderstorms kept me away, especially with my recent sickness.  Plus I needed to finish a report so I ended up just working from the couch all evening.

Friday was a little bit long at work but then came home and made dinner for Mom and I.

Saturday worked on the house some and then went to a tailgate party for a college football game with the singles group and then went and picked up groceries and came home and put them away and finished laundry.

Today my SIL picked up my M for Church so I had a few hours to myself.  I enjoyed having the house to myself.  Then I went and got a pedicure and upgraded to the 25 minute calf massage, hot stone, wax, all the details.  Very much needed!  Decorated for Fall around the house and it's very cozy.  Cleaned up the patio and started winterizing a little bit.  Tried to get the Broncos game on with no luck, just to hear football in the background and peek in on the score.  So I found a ambient video on youtube of a little coffee shop in the Fall and ambient jazz music.  Making some lasagne and going to have a glass of wine.  Not diet friendly, but have a plan to get back to it.  Celebrating the arrival of Fall today!