It looks like my last thread is locked & archived. It's all old-timer stuff anyway, so I'll just drop in here for my annual review.

Son#1 was talking to me the other day about “feeling some kind of way” about some things in his life, including that Son #2 is soon to move 1000 miles away. Yeah, I’m feeling “some kind of way” too.

I see once again that it happens every year: thoughts of H increase & are more nostalgic & I’m more sad about the whole damn thing than usual heading into December & as Christmas preparations begin. The phrase “You should be here” keeps popping into my thoughts as Son#1 helps me with the tree & we gather as a family. “You should be here” when the boys are tinkering with their cars or needing support, or having complicated memories of the man I & they trusted with our whole being & who betrayed us all with his shattered integrity, his lies, & his emotional emptiness. “You should be here” but you are utterly unable to “be here”. I’m pretty sure you can’t even “be” in your own life. That sort of true “being” is shut up tight in some deeply hidden compartment. Looking at that is not something someone like you can do.

So it’s Christmas with memories of our last one together, then BD January, & our wedding anniversary in February. But by then the constant memories are losing strength & I’m back to the reality of grief that never ends, but does fade with the detachment I’ve developed from the only man I have ever loved, from the love I never doubted until the moment of BD, & from the future I expected to share with him. Spring is almost around the corner & I’ll plant seeds & grow flowers & walk my dog & love my people & know that they love me back. The ones who are able anyway.

Ah... Living with teenagers......

You can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either....

I have 2 at the moment when they come to me for their "dad weekends."

I am so impressed by your grit, determination, and inventiveness with everything.  I can sympathize with your natural inclination to be kind and understanding.  I just wanted to let you know that you sound like an amazing mother, and that you are absolutely doing an amazing job with everything under the circumstances.  I am curious about your own experience with crisis.  You said you weren't unfaithful, but what did your crisis involve?

I’m so sorry for your pain. This is a horrible situation, but what does help is to not try and decipher what or why he is doing something or she is doing something and what that may mean for you and your relationship. What you do know is that he is not home. He is choosing this. He isn’t being manipulated by her without wanting to be. We want others to back our feelings, because we want hope and we want to continue to love them. What we really need to do is pour all that time and energy into us.

Let go and let him live what ever mistakes he wants, because he has to live his choices to determine where he wants to be. We dont het to decide where he should be. What really started to help me was to only focus on what he was choosing. It wasn’t me or our life or our family. To this day I find it unbelievable who he did choose. That he doesn’t see his kids. At all!! It gets worse. The more we hang on. So, let him be. Stop trying to figure out where he is. He doesn’t even know where he is mentally.

 Anything you can do to see his actions. His choices and accept them where they are the better. It’s all so hard. Getting a little angry at the injustice of it all and focusing on what they are doing to hurt you and your kids really does help to start shifting your mindset away from them and to start empowering you.

The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.

I suspect lunch will be ok.

You guys were right.  Lunch was fine.  I feel a little stiff with him because I really don't have any idea where he is mentally or emotionally right now.

Observations from the cheap seats....
 He continues to stay at the house about six nights a week. He goes to work and comes back home-nothing in between.  On weekends he doesn't go anywhere.  He continues to to be sober.  He plays video games, and stays up late most nights.  He seems withdrawn in terms of affection and his libido seems to have dropped off a cliff, but he is not cold or angry.  He is usually calm and sometimes seems far off, but will help with things that I ask for help with, and doesn't reject hugs or pats of affection. 

He continues to take a back seat with parenting although he connects with our youngest more frequently.  He seems to be giving our oldest two a lot more grace during discussions than he used to.  He will say things like they will get it figured out, or they may mess up, but we will just have to support them (which has usually been my stance), while he has usually been a lot more harsh.  I find that very interesting from a psychological perspective.  I was a kid who pretty much did "the right things." Was a pretty good student, was driven, participated in extra curriculars, stayed out of trouble, had a job, went to college, etc.  I had a few stumbles along the way of course, but he struggled a lot more on his teenage pathway and choices.  Our kids got his ADHD, and have struggled a lot more along the path of entering adulthood (we have a 21 year old and a current high school senior).  I wonder if he was judging them as himself, and now he is trying to give himself more grace and room to make mistakes (which I guess I have done for him).  He has also mentioned ways that he broke their trust in the past--like not showing up to performances or games (which was something that I had always emphasized as being important). 

He seems to be more focused on work and spending more hours working.  He is not a federal employee, but his work has been requiring more time spent in the office and not working remotely.  They have been pushing this for several months now, but for a while, he still would work part of his day remotely and then go into the office for a minimal amount of time.  During heavy replay, I was worried his job would be impacted because of his attitude and amount of time spent with other activities. 

He does not seem to be associated with the motorcycle club any longer.  He hasn't spoken of it in months, his motorcycle has mostly been in the garage for the last several months.  This is also interesting because he had actually been voted President of his chapter last year, and he previously had activities multiple times a week. 

As for me, I finished my 3rd big crocheted blanket for the year.  I also did a few scarves since picking this up a year ago.  I have struggled with some injuries due to working out --rotator cuff tear and tendinopathy in my hip and glute.   This has resulted in regaining about half the weight I had lost--which has been frustrating.  I had hoped cutting out alcohol would benefit me with weight loss, but it has not.  I continue to walk regularly (91 miles in January and 40 so far in February), stretch regularly, do bodyweight exercises and do rehab exercises for shoulder.  I have also continued to learn to play piano for the last two years.  I have used an app and a keyboard to learn, and am now moving on to pre-advanced.  Progress is a lot slower than it used to be, but I do enjoy it, and it is something I have wanted to learn most of my adult life.  I seem to be more focused and on track at work, but also at balance with work.  Previously I may have spent too many hours trying to do everything at work.  I am getting back to reading a bit.  For a while I was doing really well with cooking, but now I am struggling a bit to feel inspired to cook again.  I think some of that is just because I am still carrying a lot of the day to day tasks for the whole family as well as working, trying not to strangle my teenage and pre-teen daughters,  and trying to keep my own mental health together.   I really struggle with allowing myself to have "lazy time," and I find that it is worse when he is at the house all the time. 

I write some of these things in case others are seeing the same things, but also for me to go back and see where we were.