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Our Community / Re: New me, who’s that?
« Last post by islandgirl68 on Today at 10:07:00 AM »
Did Clington see your IG picture? ;D If he did no wonder he sped over to try a little something-something with you ;)

It's funny that he still tries, maybe he thinks its a game of hard to get ???

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Our Community / Re: Is RCR Wrong?
« Last post by Mortesbride on Today at 10:02:03 AM »
I dont think that we tend to stop believing in MLC after a time. I do believe that many LBS reach a Point where it is just too much, too much has happened or a boundry hasnt been respected.

We are all different and all have our boundrys, everybody is capable of dropping their stand once that boundry is crossed. Then we flip our own little swich I guess.

I think this is a very important point. No one comes to this website intending to NOT stand, or to convince others not to. There just comes a point when you have to choose...yourself or your MLCer. While they are in MLC you can not have both.

What I find fascinating about RCR's writings is that each time I return to them, I see something new or extra validation. 

I think this really reiterates what I said previously. No matter how many times you (in general, not you specifically song  :)) read something, it will always resonate and highlight with the parts you CURRENTLY want it to. Your brain will focus and pick out the things you find relevant. Then you bend the information in your mind to suit your wants. The things that don't apply you mentally ignore or throw away...or notice later when you are more self aware.

I really don't see why forum membership is being linked to how useful we find RCR's writings. The forum is not about RCR's wisdom. It's about the collective wisdom of all members.

This.
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Our Community / Re: Lose you to love me
« Last post by islandgirl68 on Today at 09:53:37 AM »
I saw your thanksgiving pics and they looked ace. Like you all had a fab time. I think we both know I know how it feels to be stalked by Ow. But what’s funny I find, is really, it’s us who should feel threatened by them. I mean after all they have our “man”, the gather of our children, the man we’ve made so many memories with. Yet that’s not how it works. Funny that :)

I think your handling each and every obstacle that H throws your way with dignity and grace. I don’t have much else to offer other than that.

Thank you SachaT! Did you love my Thanksgiving pants? Imagine Joey from friends wearing Phoebe's maternity pants  ;D They weren't maternity pants BTW, but just wonderful stretchy linen pants. *side note- I should have kept my maternity pants for that reason ::)*

I'm totally not being the bigger person but firetruck her feelings.
Dont worry About being the bigger Person, yes, firetruck her Feelings!! b!tc#, trying to Keep your h from the Kids is just sick.

Look after yourself Island  ;)

8) Thanks Whyus, some 8)times it feels like when I say these kinds of things about OW.... IDK that I get the impression from others that I cant' even vent. I do understand there is a difference, some dwell on OW to much. They hyper focus on the OW. For me OW doesn't take up any headspace now days. But when I do happen to have a convo about her or run into her, I can't help but hope she feels insignificant.

Why is it when I read these posts about crazy OW messaging on FB, or sending letters to the house...

I always think ''Man I would firetruck with her so much''. Something wrong with me.  :o

Oh, believe me Morte, I have messed with her. Not directly, but by posting things I know OW would see and so I could get under her skin. The only reason I knew I got to OW was she would say things to H  8) Even when H and OW were no longer talking I knew I got to her from the things she would quote or post.

The toilets smell apparently, world changing Knowledge Right there.
HA that actually made me laugh.  ;D

 ;D ;D ;D
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Good topic Treasur. I hope it helps you find the answers you're looking for. And I hope it helps you to decide to continue helping others by posting your thoughts here on the forum.

I probably qualify now as a long term stander. It's been 5.5 years since BD and I'm still standing.

The first thing I want to say is that I have no opinion on whether anyone else should stand or not stand. That's a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves. And I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing not to stand. As it states in the article that Treasur linked to, MLC takes an incredibly long time and it has no guaranteed outcome. Knowing that, you would have to have a pretty good reason or reasons for standing. Or you would have to be in denial.

In order to stand for this long I had to decide why I was standing. The truth is that I'm an incredibly selfish person. I'm not standing for my wife or my marriage or my family. I'm standing for me. I'm standing because I need to know that I did everything possible to restore my marriage and my family. I like what Courage and Trusting wrote about standing being a day to day decision that continues until it doesn't seem right any more. It's possible that I might decide tomorrow that I've done everything I can do and it's time to stop standing. I doubt it but it could happen.

There are some things that have made it easier to stand for so long.

If I were younger and more attractive to the opposite sex or wealthier and more attractive to the opposite sex it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If, when BD struck, I didn't have 36 years invested in our relationship, our life together, and our family then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I didn't believe so strongly that my wife violating the oath should spoke doesn't justify me violating the oath that I spoke, then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

If my wife hadn't stood by me and supported me for 6 years during the late 80s and early 90s when I had unrecognized PTSD, was emotionally distant, was having panic attacks and nightmares, and was depressed and was even briefly hospitalized for depression, then it might be more difficult to stand for so long.

The last three are the most critical IMO.

If I didn't completely believe that my wife is going through a crisis that she didn't ask for, didn't cause, doesn't understand, and has no control over; a crisis that has temporarily changed her into someone who is nothing like the woman I was married to; a crisis that has resulted in her doing things the woman I was married to would never have done, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I hadn't experienced for myself what my wife is currently going through, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.

If I could figure out how to stop loving her, then I'm sure it would be more difficult to stand for so long.
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Our Community / Re: MLCer husband has the memory span of pond algae
« Last post by Shockandawe on Today at 09:40:05 AM »
Thank you Rose and Treasur,

My mother was a LBS when she met my step father and they have been together for well over 40 years now.
It is both heart warming and heart breaking and it reminds me that my h (not the MLC version) loved me very much then this catastrophe hit and off skipping into la la land went he.
I have moments when I feel low but I won’t dwell there. It’s taken 19 months and a tragic illness we can do nothing about to put into perspective just how ridiculous I was to waste energy on my mlcer when I know he has no care for me right now.

I am a stander and I will continue my stand but what I will not do is stand still. I continue to gain strength and give my time to the people who really need and appreciate it.

God bless you all
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Our Community / Re: MLCer husband has the memory span of pond algae
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:24:01 AM »
I'm so sorry for your family, shock. Your stepfather sounds like a gem of a man.
It is bittersweet to see love in action like that when we have lost the one who used to love us. But it is also a reminder that real love and that kind of concern and devotion is real and rather wonderful even in terrible times. It is our spouses loss that they are unable to see the value of it or to feel that kind of connection to anyone now or that kind of empathy. But we can...which hurts but it also a reminder that the lack is not in us.

You are in my prayers too x
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Our Community / Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Last post by Sam I Am on Today at 09:00:49 AM »
Last night, I thought my turtle had died.  He didn't come to the surface to eat and he didn't move when I tapped on the glass.  He looked stuck under the heater and his one leg just hung out lifeless.

I considered calling H for help burying him.  Instead I called my D and asked SIL to stop by today to help me.

Minutes later, H is calling.  My SIL was talking on the phone with H after I got off the phone with D.  D informed both of them that one of us needed to stop by and help me to take care of the turtle today.  H called to tell me that both he and SIL would stop by.  Where did I want him buried?  Should they empty the tank?  Move it?

Then H tells me that I should have texted him.

I told him I was sorry but SIL seemed like the logical choice.  He gets off early and could come by the house to help.  H says  I drive by the house every day on my way to work. 

In my head, I am thinking are you nucking futs?   It is out of your way to drive by my house to go to work.  At least 3 miles out of the way.  I didn't say I word.

I told him that I know he is pressed for time many days.  He agreed.   I then told him that I don't ask him for help for fear of being rejected and I wasn't putting SIL out by asking him for help.  It is easier to rely on someone else when I need help but for the most part I try to do on my own whatever I can. 

H sent me a text and told told me that I shouldn't be afraid to ask him anything.  I responded saying that I will deal with my fears and I won't avoid them because it is easier for me to deal with things than to not deal.  I thanked him and told him to have a good day.

Truth is...I am not fearful so much as I just don't want to be rejected.  Period.  Maybe it is fear a bit but mostly just I don't want to be rejected.    Plus I have learned here that they don't really want responsibility so don't ask.  I choose not to ask.  That is totally my choice.  I don't think he would understand that, especially via text so I chose to just end it. 

I don't know if I handled this correctly or not but I handled it in the way that seemed natural to me.    I am not doubting myself but it did take me 2 hours to type a response that I was satisfied with.  At one time I would have just rushed the first thing that came to me.  That would have been more emotionally driven vs a factual response I gave him. 

It surprises me when he tells me to ask for help.  He does it quite a bit.

At the end of our convo last night, he thanked me for talking to him.  Really weird because he calls and talks and then he goes bye byes and doesn't call me for a period of time.  I won't call him unless it is in response to him reaching out to me first. 

I guess you could say in a way, I am playing more hard to get.  If he wants me for any reason, he knows how to find me!

PS...this morning my turtle was alive and well.  Just non responsive last night.  What a scare!
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I am glad that your Mum, as a previous LBS, has found this love after living through your fathers MLC.

That it is ending is tragic, yes.

Lots of love
💕💕💕💕
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Our Community / Re: Secs, Mins, Hours Turned to Days, Weeks, Months
« Last post by Sam I Am on Today at 08:40:49 AM »
Treasur:

Thanks for your feedback!  You say some things that really make me ponder some more things....

Quote
It often seems in stories here that a return to some old patterns of behaviour are often linked to what is going on with ow at a given time...more pressure from them perhaps or a return after a break up of some sort. Of course it could just be that he has spun off somewhere in his own head - only time will tell but it tends to eventually doesn't it?

I wondered if pressure from the OW could be a reason.  Something is very odd there.  H told my sis that she is not his girlfriend.  Yet he still has times where he disappears.  Won't even answer the phone when the kids call.  And yes...someday in the future I do believe that things will slip and things will be shared or someone else will come and tell me something which is more typical in life right now.
Quote
And your feeling of being fed up or even a bit disgusted by the nonsense shenaningans of it all, that tends to nibble at our compassion?

Recently I have noticed more anger after some of his shennigans.  Anger at thoughts of I can't believe this is happening again.  It is my anger and I own it and I deal with it.  Up until now, I have not had a lot of anger.  I knew it would come around someday....just didn't know when.  All I know is that I won't let the anger ruin me.  I have to face the reasons behind it and deal with it.  Detachment helps tons because I can be objective about the circumstances. 

Quote
And as you say, all one can do and wants to do is to focus on the good stuff we can influence or create.

Life is not always a bowl of sweet yumminess, but I refuse to wallow when the bad does happen.  I LOVE being happy.  I love finding the good in life. 

I was at the gym the other week and a complete stranger walked up to me and said to me....YOU exude happiness.  I look at you and all I see is happy.  You face just beams. 
Honestly I have to say this is the best compliment that I ever got.  I think it shows the happiness that is inside of me.  Better yet, that happiness is having a positive impact on someone else.

[quote I often wonder if LBS drift away from standing after a while bc it all just becomes a bit tedious to even grab the popcorn lol. Sad but there it is...life goes on without them.][/quote]

I now sometime wonder if it is all worth it.  Then I forget about H and look just at myself.  Yes...it is all worth it.  I am a much better person now than what I was before.  I only want to continue to improve on myself.  I want this for me.

Am I ready to stop standing?  NOPE  I am not.  I still love H even though I get frustrated and angry at time now.  I still am not ready to choose to bring someone else into my life either.  I can honestly say that I am not done yet.  I am not done hoping that H will heal someday.  I am not over hoping that the A/OW will one day become a thing of the past and together we can both heal.  I have not yet let go of hope for a future friendship.  I wonder if we can ever be more than friends but right now we are not even that.  Someone once said they are that distant cousin and right now that is what H is to me.  A distant cousin who I one day hope to know better again.  That is my hopes.  I am not running to the OTB and placing bets on those outcomes.  I know that my hopes my never be met.  I have accepted that i the case too and until I am ready to put those hopes to rest, I will just keep doing for me.  Not in a stingy self centered way but in a caring, healing way where I am taking care of me the best I can.

That being said, I can see where LBS's choose to give up based on frustration alone.  Things become too routine.  The MLCer does seem to appear to be in their glory and content to live without us.  Yet, I have to trust those who say this is not the case.  I do get to see snippets of it at times.  They are small things that most people wouldn't even take notice to.  The dark eyes..the forgetting and the periods of total silence.  Oddities to those who know them best yet not so much to others.

Anyhow...thanks T for making me think about some things some more and do some more soul searching!  You are awesome that bringing thought out of people.





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Our Community / Re: MLCer husband has the memory span of pond algae
« Last post by Shockandawe on Today at 08:26:53 AM »
Thank you all for your kind words.

Step father is holding his own though he’s weak but not defeated.
His attitude is one of the strongest people I ever have known and he’s always appreciative of what anyone does for him.
That he’s declining is obvious, that he’s not going down without a fight is also obvious. It’s times like this we sort out our priorities and the craziness of my MLC h is very low on that list to be honest.
My step father is more concerned about my mother than himself and he has throughout this awful time showed how much he loves her. It’s heartwarming to see but so tragic to watch.

God bless you all
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