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Our Community / Re: You're a diamond dear. They can't break you.
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 11:38:43 AM »
Hey, Kanvan - good to hear from you.  I hope you got that Harley lowered and that you've been out putting some miles on. 

Have you considered blocking his number so that you don't know that he is texting you?  Obviously if he wants to talk to his kids he can reach out to them without you being involved at all.  I'm asking because I see his texts as causing you some anxiety, as well as making you monkey brain a bit about him.  Just my $.02.   

Continued support for you, Kanvan. 
Our Community / Re: No I don't Want Any Guinea Pigs
« Last post by Tyks on Today at 11:34:54 AM »
I am glad that you said no to the Guinea pigs, DF. It seems like everyone else gets to move on and the lbs has to continue taking care of everyone else. Ridiculous
Our Community / Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Last post by Kitty on Today at 11:33:38 AM »
No, I'm not financially strapped, just curious about if it's a control thing with him or not. I don't want him to have control over me. If he wants his new woman and family he can have them, just leave me alone.

And with that I'll start a new thread.

Our Community / Re: up down, up down, repeat
« Last post by Tyks on Today at 11:31:49 AM »
Thank you all for the wonderful replies.

So I have been doing well for the past while. Been doing Reiki to try to help balance my chakra. I am not sure if this is helping or not so we will see.

Things are great with my boyfriend. Great guy. Great realtionship.

So why then do I monkey brain and get upset over xh and the cow? I sent him an email today asking if he could help pay for a summer bus pass for our daughter. He replied with no BC the child support went up too much and he is moving so he is strapped. So then I monkey brain wondering if they are moving in together. Why do I care?

I have a great life and a great new relationship and here I am upset BC I am thinking that they are moving in together. It shouldn't matter to me. And of course almost two years later everyone around me is sick of hearing about it and I should move on. People move on and who cares if he is?

Ugh, I don't want to care or be triggered. Please help me figure out how to do this!!

I figured I would just journal here rather than reply to him. I guess I should just ignore it ?
My problem is I can't shut the monkey's up right now. 

I don't know why I am failing so miserably at this.

I know when he moved home there was a possibility he would leave again and I have been trying to prep.

Will it hurt...yes

Can  survive...yes

Will I like

Can I do anything about

I lived before these rumors came to me.  Knowing what was a possibility....I lived.

Now I have a terrible anxiety wondering when it is going to be.  I just can't let it go and I want to.  I don't like feeling like this t all.  Always on the verge of tears.  Back to faking happiness instead of being happy.

I am trying to enjoy the minutes we have together and make the best of them and use that time in a positive way while there is a gnawing ache in my chest that is screaming to have the pain relieved.

It sux!
Our Community / Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Last post by Nas on Today at 11:27:35 AM »
Hero, here's my take. Rock bottom can be literally anything, even something that might seem insignificant.

In the account called A View of MLC from an MLCer (you can find this in RCR's blog called Greener Grass and Other Questions or something to that effect), the MLCer describes just waking up one day and his anxiety and depression could no longer be suppressed. If you read his account, it seems like he was living his life with OW, doing well at work, partying and enjoying his hobbies, and so I'm sure it seemed to all on the outside that he was doing great.  But then one day he woke up and, boom, he had what from his description sounds like pretty much had a panic attack and he woke up, or at least that's what started his wake up.

Amy C on the Divorce Busters site describes something about coming across a bad motorcycle accident and that's where she started to wake up.  At the time she had a good job and was still chasing "fun" things and living a life that probably looked to outsiders like she was pretty well done with her "old life."

It doesn't always have to be that the MLCer's life falls apart.  Sometimes rock bottom is something that happens within them.  Just my two cents.

Our Community / Re: No I don't Want Any Guinea Pigs
« Last post by Dumbfounded on Today at 11:23:33 AM »
Exactly RT - why would these people think I would want Guinea Pigs? Your thread always pulls at my heart because our kids are so similar RT.

OffRoad - I am a recovering pushover and doormat.  "No" is a new word for me.  Acorn is right - I feel guilty about not taking the Guinea Pigs. My IC tells me that I am not obligated to take a peace offering of Guinea Pigs  and that I should not feel bad about it.

Well, lunch with my Mom didn't work out but I went and got a pedi (happy feet).  I then decided to go grocery shopping. I pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store and FIL pulls into the space directly across from me. I was like nope- not today and pulled right back out and went to the grocery store in the next town over. I was afraid he would offer me Guinea Pigs. I parked and got out and right there in front of me is TF's wife. Ugh!  So we small chatted for while - I get the feeling she has got a similar MLC situation going on at her house from a few things she has said but she has always been a very private person so it must be bad for her to say anything. TF was off with a friend "fishing" instead of spending the day with the family.  So, TF and LB are off having a MLC together. How nice. 

Then later hung out at BFF's house around the pool. Our numbers kept growing and we busted out wine and smores and I filled them in on the Guinea Pig saga. Upon my conclusion, a friends says "Those people as sooooo weird". Yep.

The kids spent the day in NY with LB. They went to see the same show they saw at Christmas.  :o Whatever.  They got home late and went straight to bed only letting me hug and kiss them once and check them for sunburn and broken bones with half hearted objections.  They were both still asleep when I left for work today.       
Our Community / Re: My turn!!
« Last post by islandgirl68 on Today at 11:22:27 AM »
Seems a lot has been going on during the weekend. All I can say is follow your own arrow H&F because only you know you situation and only you have known your H for years.

From what I see in your posts is you growing and gaining new perspective with your H. I don't believe your intention of going dim/dark with your H is a form of manipulation on your part. You have clearly stated that you are doing it for you. That yes, possibly the consequence of that is your H realizing that he can no longer 'cake eat', but that you are focusing on you.

Maybe it seems that you are being too kind and gentle with your H, but you are doing what you deem best. I am the same. I will not be angry or spiteful to my H, even though he deserves it sometimes. I will treat my H how I would like him to treat me. Each of our MLC spouses are different and thus will not respond the same. If I push my H too much he will run. I had to find a happy medium. I am following my H's cues on when to push at the right time.

We will all throw out well intentioned suggestions. I truly believe it comes from place of love. No one wants to see anyone get hurt. Some of the comments seem to be of the tough love perspective, but at the end of the day their comments are another take on how an outsider looking in sees things. I'm glad you are sticking to your truth H&F. I'll be here following along, cheering you on.

I was awake very early. I have not gotten the air conditioner put into my bedroom window yet this season. I keep forgetting about it and the idea of putting in at night is not a solid plan, as it is bat season and having the window wide open at dusk or later for any length of time might invite an unwanted house guest. (They are fine outside, eating bugs, but not exactly my idea of a pet  ;)

For Pete's sake - absolutely no night installation with the possibility of a bat getting in!  :o  Remember that first summer after BD when I had that bat problem and I actually fired a BB gun at it in my house?!?!  :o  But yes, get that AC in.  I couldn't live without mine with the humidity here.

My phone buzzed at 6 am sharp. It was xH. He sent a group message to D and I. No "good morning". He wanted to know when he could pick up his graduation ticket. I responded immediately. D was fast asleep. I told him that they would be handed out at rehearsal either Thursday or Friday. The answer I got - "that is unsatisfactory". Followed by "graduation has been on the calendar the entire year". I wanted to call him and rip into him to remind him that there are a limited number of tickets available as we have graduation indoors in the air-conditioned auditorium. There is a satellite location, but they have a limited number of seats and they try to be mindful of each student. We get an allotment for each student and you can request additional tickets. It has never been a huge problem. But, I bit my tongue. I simply texted that I would be at school on Wednesday, I would see if I could pick up "his" ticket early. He tried to keep going. I did not answer.

Geez, as they say here, I want to throat punch your MLCer.  I would have told him to go pick up the ticket in the office himself.  Of course, you probably know the office staff well and didn't want to subject them to crazy irrational behavior and monstering when it wasn't the color he thought it should be!
My breakfast with my F was really nice, Reallytrying. I took him to a family diner. I haven't been there since the end of April. I know my F and his friend go there quite often for coffee. I thought it was kind of funny that the waitress knew exactly where he was going to sit and had his coffee ready to go. We had a nice visit and I was surprised that he had gone to the gym after all, but went earlier. I was also a bit surprised my M didn't join us.

Sounds like a lovely breakfast.  I haven't had my Dad since I was 28.  I miss him very much......all the time.  Even more so since BD.

The sculpture project came up in conversation. The granite is in. The concrete is poured. My F is now making plans to fly out there in early July with S to install the piece. It will be a quick trip to do the install. A formal unveiling will follow at another time. I am hoping to make that trip. The install will be an overnight and a good one for my S and F. They deserve time together. XH and S used to take road trips with my F and they so enjoyed themselves.

I hope they have a good trip and get to enjoy the beautiful location.  I love that city.  I'll be doing everything in my power to make that unveiling when it has been set.  Maybe Thunder will make the trip too!  I don't know how things are going for Medusa but it'd be great to meet her too! 

As far as my weekend - I wished I had gotten outside more to work. My gardens are in desperate need of attention, and I am not in my usual summer shape where the weight drops off me at a rapid rate and I am toned without going to the gym, etc. The other night in fact D's friend's M mentioned how incredibly toned and tan I was 2 years ago. I laughed and said that was MLC overdrive. It would have been before BD#2 and I was walking 3 times a day and had the gardens all in order - I was outside hauling mulch, etc all summer. Now, my gardens are lost amongst giant weeds.

I hear ya, buddy.  I just spent over two hours on the lawn.  I have trimming to do but I have to reload the string on the trimmer and it's getting too hot for that now.  I'll start on that tomorrow morning.  I try to do outside work in the early morning hours and then I move inside to the AC for afternoon projects.  It's slow going by myself as you well know, but I'm determined to knock some of these projects out over the next 8 weeks.  I'm just too tired to tackle big ones once school starts. 

S and xH bought me an antique rose bush for Mother's Day when S was about 5. It bloomed for several years and then xH decided he didn't want it in the back garden. He was going to pull it and get rid of it because it never had many flowers on it no matter how much TLC we gave it. It was the one plant I was sentimental about. I moved it around BD#1. It only ever had one or 2 flowers on it after I moved it, but I still loved it. This morning when I came back from breakfast I was unlocking the front door and looked over. I hadn't noticed that the rose bush is covered in red roses. I have never seen it with that many flowers, even before we moved it. The funny thing is I have seriously neglected it. I didn't even trim it back the way it is supposed to be each fall.

Sweet!  A nice bit of cheer greeting you this morning. 

Our Community / Re: My turn!!
« Last post by Songanddance on Today at 11:07:58 AM »
I hesitated to post because I was trying to not step into a hornets nest but I do find the tone of some of the comments here disturbing. I can’t quite understand why there would be so much anger in a post that someone was attempting to be helpful. Even if someone doesn’t feel that someone is handling things the way we think they should doesn’t give us license to be mean and unkind.

RT - I don't think anyone is angry, mean or unkind.  Abrupt maybe , frustrated for H&F certainly and in rescuer mode - possibly. 

Anger is shouting/remonstrating tersely at/with H&F. Mean and Unkind is saying that H&F deserves what is going on or is not acting responsibly. Far from it. 

Some of us have been at this game including H&F for 5 years+.  H&F went through a period of reconnection with her H and then it all blew apart again. 

It's a question of us hoping that H&F has found enough inner steel and strength over these last 5 years to understand that we are actually with her in this MLC/LBS journey and that past experience is contributing to our comments and that she will reflect upon them. What she then does is entirely up to her - of course it is and no-one says differently.

We want her to "succeed" and so sometimes our language is seen as tough but it is borne out of love and frustration for her that her H is such an a**e and for so long.

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