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Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Last post by Tyks on Today at 03:31:56 AM »
The only time I have contact with my xh is if I inititiate it which I don't unless it is something to do with our d17. In the early days I would contact him and he would reply asap, be it email, phone or text. I asked him about that one time and he said "BC it could be important". Now he answers when he feels like it. I probably could've had a chance in the earliest days to reconcile if I wanted to fight. But tbh I was so upset about the ow that I was seeing stars and I really didn't wanna fight for him.

I know where they live (only BC of my d20) xh has never told me that he moved in with ow or the address. I know his email BC he still works at the place he used to and I know his phone number BC it has been the same for years.

My xh is an out of sight out of mind. He is done. Has been done for a long time. He has told me even though his life is not perfect it is what it is and he will carry on everyday with what he chose.

The only person he has vanished from is MY life. Everything else is the same. According to my d20 he acts the same way. Life is the same except for a different woman.  That is why it is hard to not think that there is something wrong with me lol. Apparently ow is a self righteous control freak bi$ch but he still stays lol. I will never understand.
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Our Community / Re: Beauty into Beast 14
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 02:48:18 AM »
I wonder if, given Beast's history, he might be drawn to going the diet changes route? As WhyUs says, it was a canny way to sow a seed and can't see you lost anything by doing so.
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I'm so sorry that you lost Laura Ella but so glad you were able to connect with her today.
And your thoughts about serotonin? All part of the sensible bit of taking care of ourselves right? I don't know much about it but I think there are some nonpharmaceutical solutions out there too...maybe someone else knows more about this, sounds like diet might be an issue?
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Our Community / Re: More After Life
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 02:42:18 AM »
Thanks, chum  :)
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Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 02:32:50 AM »
Like Nah, I have no problem describing mine as a vanisher. I have had even less contact than she has lol. Not just Never.Said.A.Word, more just Never. in my case  ::)

And as a Milly said I do think it is about more than just how/if they contact you. My h started out as probably a wallowing boomerang...very depressed, isolating himself but also still one foot in our m I think. Certainly then he saw 'this' - whatever this was - as a temporary thing, something to get better from, and wanted me to not give up on him. He cycled from silence to popping up for s few days/weeks wanting to talk...but only about himself of course and he didn't make much sense.

And then there was a point when out of the blue he went from regular reconnecting actions for about 2 months to  a 180 and announced by text that divorce was the only option in May 16, the real BD I suppose. And then he became a vanisher with a capital V...woukdn't reply to any communication really often for weeks if not months, just ignored me, his friends and even his own L for a while in early 2017.  My best sense with hindsight is that he decided - and I think he said so - that he was a different person now so that was that. He never looked back really and felt no need apparently to explain, apologise or say goodbye. Or deal with any of the mess or obligations he left behind. He did have the odd pop up, maybe three of four, between late 2017 and early 2018...just random mr sadz emails or needing to talk about divorce related things which he tried to stretch into other kinds of talk. But tbh he still didn't make much sense, never followed through on anything he said he wanted to do differently and lied so much about so much it was simply surreal. So I shut it down when it was evidently futile and wasn't helping me at all. Again looking back, I think there were a couple of moments when he wavered...wanting to 'chat' after months of ignoring me in mid 2017, wanting to meet post watchgate and to talk about his 'shock' that ow had stolen from him and lied for a year. It felt like some small bit of him had a reaching out hiccup...but it never lasted long and there was not enough substance and too many lies. It kind of felt as if there was no 'there' there if that makes sense and by mid 2017 I knew facts I had not known before (which he was still lying about lol) and was priotising my sanity over his, so it was a no from me.  :)

What do I think the characteristics of vanishers are? I think - and of course it is still a spectrum - that they erase and leave behind as much of their old lives as they can. Friends, family, hobbies, church, possessions, even kids. I think they often do a significant 'geographical' move. I think they rarely show signs of doubt other than the odd bit of mr sadz. I think they show zero interest in you or any bit of the old life, even a polite minimal kind of interest. I think they pretty much stonewall you and behave as if you don't exist and even never existed perhaps.  I think they invest almost entirely in a new life completely centred around the life of ow/om...new place, new 'family', new interests, new friends...and they ignore or avoid people who reach out from their old life. I think they press the ctrl-alt-del button on their old life/self. I think 'out of sight, out of mind' is their new motto. I have no idea how it feels to do that and I know that some vanishers seem to pop up and try to 'look' at us, but it never seems to be more than a quick look. From what I can see, maybe the core difference is that vanishers want nothing from us - not cake, not reassurance, not a single Paving stone lol - they want us to go away and not irritate them by existing from what I can see.

I have no idea if vanishers are more or less likely to recover from their crisis. I suspect though that two things influence the chances of reconnection. I think vanishers pretty much leave no bridge unburned so it would require real effort to make a new one if they wanted to reconnect. And I think the LBS is forced to live as if they are not coming back bc there is no sign of them, they really might as well be dead, and we move forward based on that. Maybe bc we see less signs of crazy, we decide that they never really loved us, that it was an exit affair not a crisis, that the person we knew couldn't have been who we thought? Idk. I think LBS with vanishers grieve hard but maybe have less hope of reconnection after a long period of invisibility?

And the vanishing behaviour sends such a clear signal of 'you mean absolutely nothing to me' that I suspect to heal most LBS need to invest big time in things and people where they feel they are valued...so new relationships and a new lifestyle form.

I have read too of a few anecdotes - yellowroseoftexas is a recent one - where even after years of NC, they pop up with an email out of the blue, sometimes even a kind of apology or use some kind of life event to sidle towards the LBS and LB kids. But idk...my sense is that this is not common and if it happens it is like 5/7+ years later. And often when their new 'happy' hasn't worked out so well. Maybe it is just nostalgia? Idk. Maybe more of them are like Jim of Mexico that Airmid posted about recently on the Old Timers thread. They vanish so much and for so long that it seems - or is - impossible for them to return.

I appreciate this might be different if you have kids or other links, but tbh there are plenty of stories here of vanishers pretty much disappearing from their kids or other family members  lives too for months on end, even years. Maybe the odd pop up mr sadz or mr rage text....but no follow through. Sometimes, after a while, that can change...again I guess it is a spectrum thing.

I think this is all different from if or how much the LBS knows about where they are or how to contact them or what they are doing. I have a phone number for my xh bc he didn't change it. If he updates his LinkedIn I suppose I can see if he is alive or still working for the same company. But I know nothing more really. I don't know where he lives.mI only know he got married bc ow was 'kind' enough to send me an anonymous note lol. As of today, tbh my xh could be dead or an inpatient or separated or living in another country, and I wouldn't know. In my case I don't post much on social media but I see no sign that he looks, although I suspect ow did.
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Our Community / Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 02:20:30 AM »
I couldnt call my XW a Vanisher as we have some Kind of contact every couple of months. It is totally Business only though, if we didnt have Kids or doggie then she would be a vanisher for sure. She doesnt look back, once her mind is set she is done!
Id rather it this way than having to deal with a live in or boomerang though  ;)
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Our Community / Re: More After Life
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 01:55:18 AM »
I am very lucky to live here, WhyUs  :)
Its not luck treasur, you wanted it and you went for it and you got it! That is a Display of pure class and strength if you ask me :-)
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Our Community / Re: More After Life
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 01:47:40 AM »
I am very lucky to live here, WhyUs  :)
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Our Community / Re: More After Life
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 01:46:33 AM »
It sounds like a walk on the beach can be a good start to the day T, I sure loved my beach/cliff walks whilst on Holidays :-).
Oh god, I Need another Holiday already  ;D
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Our Community / Re: The LBS's MLC/MLT/BLT = Are we immune?
« Last post by AlvinTheMaker on Today at 01:45:24 AM »
I don't feel any of us are immune. Maybe some of us are better equipped to deal with life's challenges (dysfunctional FOO anyone, LOL).   I never believed I could have mental crashdown. But after BD I did crash and burn.

Those reading my story know I've been pondering whether or not I've had my MLC or MLT before all this. Because the stories W says I have done in past decade contain pieces the current me simply doesn't understand.  I don't think it would be MLC as I remember loving her (and I actually have got some proof of that), I did not have the need to run away from her.  It is way more likely that I was a) emotionally immature,  b) selfish/stupid,  c) and operating under some medical condition (see my today's journal on serotonine syndrome https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11031.msg738910#msg738910).  There is no simple answer or bloodtest to say what causes us to behave the way we do; we just have to accept past as past; and focus on building better present and future.

But I think I'm definitely going through MLT of some sorts, as a consequence / follow up of her crisis...  For the first time in my life I'm conciously spending a lot of time thinking what I am, what I want to become, what I will be remembered.  That is me looking at the mirror and doing my mirror work... Last night I gave up on the expectation of one more child.  That if anything is concrete reminder that I'm middle-aged. No more kids (at least with W as the physical clock is ticking for her).. At the same vein I no longer feel older than I truly am (I used to be  one of those guys with one foot on the grave).  I don't either feel or desire to be any younger than I am.   I feel perfectly fine being as old as I am. Maybe partially this links up to all this excercice, and becoming fitter and more healthy, living a more healthy life, than ever before.
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