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Our Community / All insights on my situation very welcome
« Latest by tadsa29 on Today at 01:30:43 PM »
Thanks S&D!

I think it very unlikely that H will turn up unannounced.  What is much more likely is that he will get in touch with our son and want to see him and as H doesn't have anywhere to live, our son will suggest the home environment.  I will just have to go out if that's the case.  I won't prevent S from seeing H at all and if it's more comfortable for him to do that at home then I have no option.

Otherwise H knows that he can only come over if and when there is no OW on the scene.  So that could be months / years from now!
Our Community / Another Day in MLC-Land 16
« Latest by megogirl on Today at 01:27:37 PM »
Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 01:26:43 PM »
Oh what I meant to say there,

I was thinking all of that and then checked one of my groups on social media, and there was this:

“Some people are still mad at you because you survived when they threw you under the bus, but the bus ran over their lies.”

Is that why?
Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 01:21:41 PM »
The thing that hurts most, maybe, is the part where I just don’t understand how someone I loved and who seemed normal and even good at one point could turn however long later into someone so deliberately *mean* to me.

I mean I am just a child about this. Part of me is maybe all of six years old and this child part absolutely does not understand. I adore her and I have got her close to me but even as a fully-grown and pretty smart adult, I don’t have any words for her about this. Zero wisdom. I don’t have answers; the only things I’ve got are sorrow, compassion for her, and love.

It’s fine: I’m fine. The inner six-year-old is fine. We’ll all be fine, the inner young and also old of me, and my D. We’re fine. I’m just hurting and just puzzled at how a loved person can turn so decidedly malignant.

That’s hitting the young part of me really hard.

I get that there’s a lot of projection and that he is ?? fighting some adversary he has to have concocted in me. It wasn’t me and it isn’t. I don’t like fighting. I also don’t like moral confusion, and that seems to be the barrel he’s trying to get me over. I also don’t like being abused, and when I know that I am, I stop everything and just station like a rock. Part of that is trauma response, I know. But the rest of it is defiance and stubbornness.

Keep breathing.

It doesn’t feel good to be his target and I don’t want that in my life anymore. Who ever would; it’s insane.

It’s weird how specific the hurt is, and where it hits. He doesn’t know it hits there. I didn’t know, either, until a few minutes ago. And I can’t grasp what it was, the decades ago, because then, it was in a good and safe and loved place; it wasn’t those people who did the harm.

It was mostly about missing my missing father, then, when I was young. And really, really not understanding why he was inconsistent or gone.

Otherwise, I am mostly mad. At how many varied and complicated things I have to do or keep track of or call people about, and how none of it has to do with him, at all, except the part where his grief anger or anger grief has got in the way every day for weeks now. I phoned LE last night but the deputy I needed to speak to wasn’t on until later. And instead of calling again, I fell asleep.

All of it has to be presented to them to build the paper trail and that’s another thing on the list of things that have to be taken care of.

I think someday it would be great to feel taken care of. I get that it will probably be a cold day in hell before I ever even begin to trust anyone to do that again.
Our Community / Another Day in MLC-Land 16
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 12:51:30 PM »

You wonder if exBIL’s death might have an effect of ‘waking up’ XH.  It certainly is not the first time this kind of sentiments have been expressed by you.  Don’t forget your comment is seen in the context of your posting history, as it has already been mentioned.

I see that some members have been triggered and/or deeply offended by your callous comment about ‘succumbing.’  (Also, may I remind you there are numerous people dealing with the unbearable sorrow of losing loved ones to covid 19, or watching them struggle mightily with the after-effects.)

I would have thought one would have apologized, even if their comments were not intended to cause pain in others — basic courtesy and common sense.

I note that the following has often been your pattern of behaviour:

1. You make some egocentric comments that could be summarized as ‘What’s in it for me?’  Apparently, without stopping to consider the cost to another person, family, community, or even the whole country. 

(See below for a few examples in the current thread— there was no need to dig into any of your earlier threads.)

2. Some posters object with valid reasons and make their thoughts known to you.

3. You either ignore, deflect, make excuses, or rudely dismiss those concerns. 

4. No apologies from you.

5. There is very little sign that you have reflected on other’s comments and learned anything from them.

6. Rinse, repeat.

This is not good.  What a pity, seeing how many wise advices and observations have been offered.

Post #60:

Today was/is my ex’s 45th birthday.

Is it wrong that I’ve hoped the election would go a certain way (against his personal vote) just to ruin it?

Post # 101:

I have counted the days until I no longer have to deal with this legal bull$h!te.  It will certainly be interesting to see where he chooses to be.  (Note: the object of his affection lives here with ME!)

Post #102:

I don’t see contact with XH cut off completely in any case.  Case in point: S17’s high school graduation.  It is entirely inappropriate for OWifey to show up with him, and I think he knows it.  I also don’t think she’d want to see me.  Shock - you’ve read the letter I left in her mailbox (we’ve chatted privately on Facebook) and I think you’d agree no?  LOL

Anyway there’s always drama over here so stay tuned!

Post #108:

Of course, S17 is now playing Zoom bingo with his dad and my ex-family.  He went upstairs to Zoom privately, which I appreciate but it equally draws my ire.  Is he playing Bingo with HER?!  The thought that her voice is permeating throughout my house is enough to make my blood boil. 

Suffice it to say that this holiday, I would be very thankful for a power outage.

Update: he’s finished now and said Bingo sucked!  Ha!  Bottom line: this Thanksgiving has been a total BUST and I couldn’t be happier about it.....


#102 seems to suggest that one of your actions that contributed to serious legal consequences for you is paraded with glee, followed by a drama queen-esque statement — “Anyway there’s always drama over here so stay tuned!” 


Our Community / Re: All insights on my situation very welcome
« Latest by Songanddance on Today at 12:09:27 PM »
I imagine that you guys might think I have done everything wrong and that's why I am posting here to get some helpful tips / advice.  I acted on instinct and I know that's not always a good thing!

Wow Tadsa - you learn fast. You did everything RIGHT!

You found your boundary and you set it.  You made it clear to H what you will and will not tolerate and now the hard part is for you to stick to it.  If you wish to withdraw - can you make yourself unavailable.

Have you thought about how to refuse H entry to the house if he turns up?  Have you established when he can turn up etc...

Good job Tadsa!  ;D ;D ;D
Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 12:03:39 PM »
He keeps beating on me verbally with this weird cold legalese, and finally, after making two key calls, I answered it last night. I told him I understand now, that there are those you pay $$$K to keep near you night and day, and then there are those you batter at daily for weeks straight, over something you feel is worth only $$$.

Then I put two clean pinpricks in his ballooning threat, and said I would be happy to sue back. The fact is that I’ve spent over and above $$K in therapy and coping mechanisms since before BD. It isn’t difficult to provide the truth, there.

He didn’t answer and anyway, I went to bed.

When I woke too early again, I ventured an email to him and said what needed to be said. I didn’t say the part that felt most true: that he has become an altogether sharply different person, even in just these past few weeks. I did tell him that alone here, I haven’t got much recourse except to tell others, including my local LE. And that no one likes what he is suffering, but that likewise, no one likes that he is taking it out on me. I told him that he has to find a different way to cope.

I don’t mind saying here that the person I loved is fully gone, and that the person who has taken his place now is very much adamantly letting me know it.

This morning I had a number of other legal things that had to be done, things to sign and copy, papers to be moved. Nothing to do with him. I dressed and went to the tasks and ended up sitting in my car in a parking lot for a long time, like it was my own living room. I couldn’t tell you why; I was just ...comfortable and just sitting there like it was home and there wasn’t any rush or anything in particular to be done.

I did get that part of those tasks done. On the way home I stopped for a few dollars of gas and asked the clerk if they were doing ok during this pandemic; I saw that the storefront had been considerably modified. He said they were ok; the modifications were because of too many break-ins.

I was floored. More than one?

Several. They had several.

This shop is along the corridor of good neighborhoods, places where you wouldn’t expect crime. C19 has been a different way of everything, I guess. I drove home not feeling anything.

In the house with the paperwork that has nothing to do with him, I just put a pot on the stove to make a beef broth. I updated a spreadsheet. I pulled project supplies from where they’ve been stashed, to sit on the bed for an hour or so before I get my wits together to put them in what is now the key place for all the projects and all the supplies.

I received a text from a far-off area code inviting me to participate in an ongoing customer service something. I didn’t see that as valid, but finally, I noticed, I no longer see those anomalous texts as coming from h, just him playing games along the side of us, or along the side of them. His imperious We.

I looked at career opportunities at one of the places I used to shop at before C19. Even though D said no, the other night, I think I will apply for their 4am shift. I’m up at that time routinely now anyway. It’s different work than I’ve done in years but I’ve done it before and now is a good season for it. It’s essential. The perks are good, basic. Wholesome. Not well paid, but fairly compensated.

H sent messages after that, cold and hard. He doesn’t acknowledge the email.

He has let me know this is the last message as I am now blocked.

This is the first time he’s ever sent anything like that. I cried for a minute but I’m not sure what for. Mostly the loss of all of him, I guess, and all of us. I had looked at all the messages of the past month, last night before making those other calls. It’s bewildering how different he was just 30 days ago. I find I am upset at being not just deprived of opportunity and “right” or “position” to care for him through this time in his life — but also at the unwelcome and unlikable, unexpected fact that I don’t.

That I can’t, hurts. That I don’t, hurts more.

I wish I had a bottle of wine here even though it’s not yet noon, on a Monday. It just feels like that kind of day.

This morning after moving project supplies, I stared at my room and anew at an old open journal for some reason face down on the unsafe bed. Apparently sometime over the past 72 hours I had thought to look at it, I don’t remember why.

I picked it up, then, this morning, and prayed briefly for the right page to open. And the page that resulted was from sometime in 2019, a haranguing in ink about key figures at midlife, ages ago, and how I could *see* in retrospect that each of them had been through *something*. And how I could *see* that h was echoing and embodying it too, all of it.

What a horrible entry, and yet this morning I was glad I had written it, glad I had not burned it yet, glad it was still there in one of the many books that on the outside all look the same.

I no longer know how far into this process I am or he is or we are. And all I can think to say here, for community benefit or comment, is that as bad as it was earlier on, I think it has got worse. He has got worse. Enough that I have a case number with LE because I don’t like the tone or his approach, or his weird perseverance.

I don’t think he will ever come back here and I also don’t think any court action will cost me. This is one of the aspects I don’t understand. It’s not hard to provide the truth and he seems to have forgotten how much of it I know, and have, and am.

Stupid: I leaned on astrology a long time, because there wasn’t anything else that seemed to make sense otherwise. I authentically believed he would be back here sometime now or in the next few weeks or months. Instead I see there is nothing there.

Paperwork. Maybe a court appearance. I no longer remember how any of this goes.

Our Community / All insights on my situation very welcome
« Latest by tadsa29 on Today at 11:52:13 AM »
Ok - so it's been a week since I last posted and much of the same, H coming over very regularly, nearly every day, and lingering for up to 4 hours each time.

BUT - today I found out that when he had to go into hospital a couple of weeks ago OW took him.  This really annoyed me because prior to him going in, he was phoning me for advice about what to do and I offered to take him myself.  He replied that he would "be ok" knowing I would think he drove himself.  It's about an hour away.  When he was in the hospital and surgery looked possible, I told him that I could come with my good friend and that she could drive his car home and I could pick him up and bring him back.  All the time he knew that his car wasn't there and that OW would be coming to pick him up.  Yet he let me offer and didn't say a word.

He was texting me in the middle of the night with updates on his situation knowing that I understood what was going on and I offered him full support and empathy.  Clearly so did OW.  He must have been texting us back to back.

This is simply not acceptable to me.  I phoned him and told him so and how dare he make me worry so so much, thinking I was his sole support at that time.  I told him I was done with this situation and that he could not turn up on a daily basis using me for sympathy as he has been doing and that it's best if he simply stays away.  He just kept saying "I'm sorry".  I hung up on him in the end as he simply had nothing more to say.

SO - about an hour later he shows up.  Said it was to apologise but I reiterated that he can't ping pong between OW and me.  It might be acceptable to her but it isn't to me.  Son showed up unexpectedly from school and so H and I went for a drive to finish our conversation.

He keeps speaking of his depression and anxiety and how he doesn't know who he is or what he's doing.  This I understand and believe but it doesn't change the fact that he is hanging on to me whilst seeing OW.  He burst into tears on the drive back and I had to stop the car.  I have NEVER seen him cry in 26 years. 

I have said to him that if and when he decides to not see any other woman then we can begin to have reasonable communication again but until that day, I am going to do my utmost to move on, heal and grow.  He should not come over anymore on the pretext of doing chores when clearly it is an excuse to see me. 

As an aside, he saw that my son and I had put up all the Christmas decorations yesterday and it made him very sad and withdrawn.  Also, it had always been both mine and H's desire to one day move to Bruges in Belgium.  I spoke of my desire to STILL do this as it remains my favourite place to be.  That also made him sad and withdrawn. 

I feel that he will never mend himself whilst I am still in the picture as I feel I allow him to keep drifting and not face reality.  However things end up between us, I hope that by withdrawing myself from his life that he will finally at some point face some truths and work through them.  If not for me and our M then for his son.

I imagine that you guys might think I have done everything wrong and that's why I am posting here to get some helpful tips / advice.  I acted on instinct and I know that's not always a good thing!
Our Community / Finding myself
« Latest by Seahorse on Today at 11:31:24 AM »
MercyGrey -
How have you been?
We see you haven't posted in awhile and wanted to see if you need anything?
Please let us know - we're concerned about you and your journey.

Our Community / Love Comes Walking In
« Latest by beyondblessed on Today at 11:25:19 AM »
It's great to hear from you Ready and SB!

Congratulations on keeping up with the regular workouts, Ready!  I try to keep up with your postings as well. Usually you have made some really delicious looking food or are with your beautiful wife and family.  It is wonderful to see another LBS who has chosen to move on and thrive without the MLC baggage in tow.

SB, I hope the winter doesn't get too bad for you.  We had our 1st dusting of snow today, but I don't really feel like we are in store for too bad of a winter.  Of course, I have no idea what's in store, but we did have a pretty nice Fall season this year, which was a blessing because with all the Covid nonsense going on, I was able to visit and enjoy quite a few dates at local wineries.  Being able to enjoy the beautiful weather and stay outdoors made that so much easier.   As for this winter, me and the new mister plan on laying low, cuddling up and staying away from the crowds.. at least until the vaccine is in distribution.  Hopefully by early next summer we can put our travel plans into motion.

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