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Our Community / Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Last post by barbiedoll on Today at 05:36:38 PM »
You did well, Barbie, to observe what you needed to do to care for yourself and then to do it. Really really well. You are in my prayers tonight xxx

Thank you Treasur. I did do well and I accept your acknowledgement of that. I must be naking some progress as I have never been able to manage a trigger…not even almost. And these are the deep ones from FOO… not related to his MLC. The wounds and unresolved issues that were in me long long before his MLC. These are the pre-existing reasons that his rejecting and abandoning was extrememly traumatic for me. Life or death almost. Awful. But I get it.

But then something happens. Things I once could deal with and never give them a second thought now cause emotional distress beyond what "should be". This is my normal and has been for almost 10 years.

I have often felt this  ..the distress is beyond “what it should be “. But how do we know that ? I know that my childhood absolutely appeared picture perfect… had everything you could imagine. There was no drinking, abuse, fear , it was stable, two working parents, vacations, extended family everywhere. It was never about what my mother DID…it was about what she NEVER DID. There was no lessons in emotional connections ( because there was none) so, no ability to learn emotional regulation, self soothing modelling, accepting touch and care. I was emotionally free-falling…always. I fought like a warrior with my mother . I now know it was about seeking to be seen, validated and a connection. I never won that battle. It has made all events in my life deeply emotionally traumatic. This is where my work continues to be…healing that little “unloved and rejected little girl “. Wish there was a step by step guide …feels like it keeps rearing its ugliness when I believed I came to terms with it. When I “compare my childhood to my husbands ??   WOW!   I cannot imagine how he would ever EVER heal and be emotionally healthy. His childhood experiences make mine look like a cake-walk … and yet I continue to struggle.

This may seem odd to you but I ask that you have an open mind. Many years ago I read that when someone dies, a bird will appear and you will just know that the spirit of the person is with that bird. Three times now this has happened to me- each with a different species of bird but the species related in some way to the person who died. I just ask that you allow yourself to notice the birds around you and perhaps your friend will send you a message in this way. It does not bring them back, but offers a connection.

I am doing exactly this. Can you imagine that I was told tis exact thing yesterday?.  My friend who lost her son 5 years ago absolutely believes that she can talk to her son and a certain bird appears… swears it is the truth. I believe her. What an amazing thing !.

I´m sorry that you spouse and mother are lacking the emotional tools to be of support.

It is 100 % my mother than causes me to react so badly …something is “wrong” with her. That is the truth. My husband has made himself available , sat with me , rubbing my back , did the shopping and really been very good. He has asked “how I feel, what would help etc “. I just feel nothing right now. He is NOT very emotionally insightfull nor does he have a huge vocabulary …but he has done some very thoughtfull and kind things. He does not really understand my silence… neither do I at the moment. I feel nothing at all. 

Is it possible that the loss of your close friend (who clearly provided you with genuine support and love during the MLC crisis and other life events) actually "took the role" of your mother?
Mothers are "expected" to be naturally more empathic and supportive at times like these.  If you never received that from her during your childhood is it possible that your friend became (without any overt awareness) the person your mother never could be and as you say never will be?   So is it possible that your loss is more intense because your soul, your inner child, your core is in grief?  You have lost the person who loved you unconditionally.




Very interesting. I suppose it could be somehow subconsciously true. Nothing I was aware of in that way. He was my “soul-mate” friend ..that is the truth. There was no romance, but still a deep connection. It can happen ..and it did. He stuck with me thru the past 5 years where others walked away. He listened over and over and over …he offered his “male” perspective. He validated what I was feeling and he was my PTSD support trained person. He was my longest standing friendship and he meant everything to me . Even typing… I feel absolutely NOTHING. After the message that he passed and the funeral…I have not cried 1 tear, not had much to say at all and just feel oblivious to all of it. I emotionally have nothing left . Scares me because this is NOT my “normal” reactions.

Kind of like expecting something to be there that isn't and what kind of makes it worse is you knew it before you even looked.


100% true. I let my guard down … I forgot what I learned.

We have to become our own mothers, I don't mean become them (God forbid) I mean the caring, kind, loving person we needed as children.


Yes. I have been told this many many times. Almost like “ adopting yourself” and re-parenting that little girl that did not get what she needed. “Give yourself what you need or what that little girl so desperately needed”.   I am not sure I know how to do that .

We are not unlovable Barbie, the people we some times surround ourselves with or are related by blood to just aren't capable of loving us the way we need to be loved.

This must be true.. but ALL humans need emotional connection . Need to feel valued and cared about. It was not that I needed something different from a mother. It should come relatively instinctually… but I guess this is not always the case.

constantly been seeking validation for the things I thought I had to do rather than what I did.


We are living proof that FOO issues can stay with us a very long long time. Forever likely. I believe I have always tried to get emotional validation from my mother . For her to “feel” that at times I need compassion, support, help or acknowledgment that I am even in the room. A compliment ?  A kind word?   Never going to happen …I understand completely but it seems some uncontrollable part continues to seek this subconsciously .


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Our Community / Re: Snuff 3
« Last post by Shelly7435 on Today at 04:59:24 PM »
I’m not sure why I care either. I also am very curious of how it will work out.
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Our Community / Re: Thank you, next?
« Last post by Shelly7435 on Today at 04:50:52 PM »
Love the truth darts. 🎯
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Our Community / Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Last post by PJ Ames on Today at 04:46:06 PM »
Following along Rose.
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Our Community / Re: A Pink fridge moment III.
« Last post by Shelly7435 on Today at 04:39:34 PM »
At least it’s movement.  ;D
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Our Community / Re: Thank you, next?
« Last post by islandgirl68 on Today at 04:29:11 PM »
Yes a 21 year old for his age sounds crazy because it is. He can have all the jealousy and little girl behavior that comes with it. I lived in kailua for the past 3 years I miss the islands ! Hope you are doing well

Hey F5, I think back when I was 21. I'd like to think I was more mature since I had S18 (who was around 5 at the time). I was still pretty emotionally immature though. H more so. So I can't imagine being with someone that young. I get a headache thinking about it.  ::)

I'm local, born and raised. I still contemplate leaving the rock and heading to the mainland. Its too expensive to afford rent here on my own :-\ But there's no place like here and I am torn in wanting my kids to be raised here.

Oh I do love it when the karma bus hits them 🤣 nothing like a little truth dart. I’ve always wondered what they think when instead of it being there situation it’s someone else’s. Are they as appalled as the rest of us

Oh, H is a judgy mcjudgy when it comes to others. Prior to BD H used to talk so much smack about men who would do that to their families. After BD, H still made remarks like "People just can't be trusted" or "there's no such thing as loyalty anymore"  :o H then usually gets a not so gentle reminder from me that he was that person too 8)

Nice truth dart, right between the eyes  ;D

Whyus its like H had a bullseye right on his forehead  ;D SMH, It was too easy.

Whelp mine fits the 21 (now 22 year old co worker mould too).  ::)

Ahhh, same. OW turned 22 this year. Is it some kind of secret club we don't know about? ???
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Our Community / Re: And round and round we go
« Last post by Evermore on Today at 04:17:14 PM »

Quote
But it also makes it harder when we do have contact because I feel nervous and frankly, scared. So so silly to be scared of the man I spent 23 years with.

This.  Thank you for expressing the fear.  I felt the same way for a long time.  I wonder if it was the trauma in the beginning.  Every time I heard from him or saw him, I felt trauma like a new wound.

I was going to say I'm glad others felt this too... but glad isn't really the right word. You will all know what I mean though.

My SIL and I are close, but although she helped me manage one situation with him at the beginning, I asked her to stay neutral and she agreed.  His own family has some issues with him withdrawing from them as well.  An agreement of neutrality might work best and not hurt you so much.  I still cringe when my MIL mentions his name.

In general we haven't had any problems. I see them (his family) a lot and while they support me and wish he would reconsider his decision, they are also supporting him. It's the best we can all manage in a horrible situation. They will always be my family as well and none of us are willing to end those relationships simply because he chose to blow things up.

And, if I am truly honest with myself, this is how I feel, too:

Quote
I feel terribly guilty that I prefer it when they don't see him. I want them to be mine and for him to miss out on having them.

I know I should not feel this way, because it is not in my son's best interests-he needs his father, but you and I are both human.  And, H does hurt our son with his lack of empathy and understanding. 

Again, 'glad' I'm not the only one. 

I'm feeling so very sad and depressed this morning. D18 didn't get home until 11.30 last night. I should be glad that they're keeping that connection with their dad. But all I feel is pain. Like they were all having a wonderful bonding time together and I am shut out of it all and very... separate. It's such a shockingly lonely feeling. Our little 'family unit' was so tight. To be an outsider to that and to have another woman there in my place is truly shattering.
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Our Community / Re: And round and round we go
« Last post by Evermore on Today at 04:05:20 PM »
Thank you everyone that's responded. There's so much wonderful advice it's hard to reply to all of it.

Your skin is thin. Your brain thinks the world is full of tigers. Your heart is broken and feels like it keeps being clawed out of your chest every day... Every 'change' probably feels like a loss or a threat right now. And as if the world is skipping on merrily while you are bleeding out...

Yes. This is it exactly.

Who else do you have that it safe to blurt with in RL? If no one, do you have an IC? Are there any other HS LBS you could chat to on the phone or who live nearby?

I am very lucky to have many people supporting me. Of course there are less people now that really want to listen. As always happens people move on in their own minds because it's not happening to them so they get fatigued and can't handle listening anymore. I know it's normal but 'the feels' still feel it as yet more abandonment. There are a couple of LBS that live near me and hopefully we will get together for a chat soon.

I can't remember if you have taken legal advice or if your h or you have already put divorce on the table? If you haven't seen a L, please do so.

No, divorce not mentioned. Just typing the word makes me want to vomit. I haven't seen a L but I'm fine. There won't be any problems with money. I know that will be hard for many to believe because it's often a big problem. But it really won't be a problem in this case.
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Our Community / Re: And round and round we go
« Last post by sachat3 on Today at 03:29:44 PM »
Again I completely agree with the fear. I feel it myself constantly. I see Clington 3/4 times a week. We have very young children. But on the days he’s not around. He’s completely gone. No calls. No texts. And honestly I look forward to them so much. I don’t feel I need “child free” time to recharge. I need Clington free time!
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Our Community / Re: BURNING MAN 8
« Last post by KeepItTogether on Today at 03:23:10 PM »
The brace is none of your business. That one had me LOLing.

Wine glasses sound very cool. But, with me, it's always all about the wine.
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