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Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 07:28:46 AM »
Gosh, that's a good point 1t.
Bizarrely, my problem was the opposite. I was always a very Babe-ish positive and optimistic person before. Always assumed I'd find a way round difficult things and that all would broadly be well. And then trauma sort of kicked the ability out of me. I lost the skill really. And I felt like a victim for a long time which was an unfamiliar feeling for me too.

So yes, I was part of a loving joyful marriage and I was a loyal and loving wife until my h fell into his own crisis pit and became unrecognisable and unreachable.
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Our Community / Re: Things that boggle my mind regarding MLC
« Last post by in it on Today at 07:25:03 AM »
That works Treasur good idea! :)

Yeah it is pretty freaky someone just let's themselves in and then doesn't just say that they are there. Just sits there.

I don't know what's up with that.
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Our Community / Re: Things that boggle my mind regarding MLC
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 07:21:27 AM »
Nothing to stop you having a chain fitted...y'know, importance of security, woman alone blah blah...that you can use when you are in the house. Just sayin  :)
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Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by 1trouble on Today at 07:21:11 AM »
Tattoo's ...URGHHH!!
I have a MLC'er with the OW's name on his neck arm and wedding finger...ugly things....its like a cat marking its territory

I missed the post about what the OW had put on the fakebook page......the OW in my situation posted
they were true soul mates.....it just reminds me of the schmoopie vids....
'our love is real...' all dross..

Back to the energy thing....its not always about them being in our energy field its also what you think too.....

So if you are thinking and concentrating on everything that was negative about your situation you will get more of the same
AND you can have control over what you think, most of the time....

For example if you think that maybe you wasted your life being with your H....this is a negative thought and its actually not true.
Because by your own admission you had lots of lovely times and memories so it wasn't a waste.

What is the actual truth is you had a very loving successful marriage until he went into crisis and that is what you remind yourself each time you start to think it was a waste.

Every time you think you might have been a rubbish wife (your words not mine) you tell yourself that's ridiculous and you were a loving supportinve loyal wife..,.because that's the facts...

If you start to think your H may have thought secretly your marriage was a nightmare then remind yourself of how long you were together and the person you knew and remind yourself of what you have just said that he never said he was happy when he left..

The brain is designed to think more in a negative way than a positive way and you just have to constantly correct your thinking, be aware of how you are thinking and stop any negative pattern that comes up by distracting yourself with a happy tune or even an irritating one....(for example I cant stand the Pharrell wiliams 'happy' record) but I just use to sing it over and over again ...until what was in my head was trying to get it out of my head and no thougths of MLC!!)….

Or you run on the spot or phone a friend or try Milly's image of a stop button (which is NLP)……

You tell yourself over and over again that you were a kind loving supportive wife who's husband is having a crisis of self and that is NOT going to put you in crisis and you get yourself in amongst people at least a couple of times a week so their lives distract you from yours...

When you constantly remove yourself from these thoughts and retrain your brain you wont have so many but it takes time and practise and you will get to know just how you think...
It doesn't stop you loving your MLC'er but it stops you from doubting your life   
I started off being someone who thought like a victim and who catastrophised (the latter I have done a great deal of my life) but even I have managed to change both these thought patterns, so if I can do it anyone can
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Our Community / Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 07:18:47 AM »
I find it so encouraging, Mourning, that you seem to have reached a place where you see the sharp difference between your h and the MLC version so clearly and apparently without the chewing self doubt about it that I am still trying to process. But you encourage me to believe it is possible and I will get there too. Bc the differences are like chalk and cheese.

And I love your description of that little pocket of peace and joy in the corner of your kitchen.
And the principle of refinishing, remaking and pulling treasures back to life and use after the damage of MLC. And what a good word infestation is for it!

Ironically when we renewed our vows - and what a joyful day that was with most of the village there to cheer us on -.our priest's sermon was about the glorious patina of marriage over time, how just like with a piece of furniture it creates something unique and irreplaceable and even more valuable.
My h loved the sermon then. In fact he kept a copy I think. But his MLC eyes obviously translated patina into 'smash into a million pieces and set fire to it' lol.
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Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Shelly7435 on Today at 07:18:29 AM »
Following along.
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Our Community / Re: Things that boggle my mind regarding MLC
« Last post by mightymama on Today at 07:15:37 AM »
Oh that's a good idea, the house is in both our names. Even after the papers are signed we have to work on the house issue. I'll check with the lawyer about that, thanks!

In the meantime Im going to tell him to please just ring the bell before coming in. especially since he barely speaks to me when he comes in, he just lets himself in and waits silently on the steps until we eventually come downstairs. Its ridiculous that he cant give a quick "hello I'm here up the stairs to the bedroom areas if we are up there."
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During the MLC 'infested' days, I got so I hated weekends, particularly Sundays. Friday nights, were party hard with OW.

Saturdays, Xh would at least make a semi-attempt at being around, so I felt like that was the one day I could keep an eye on him and try to connect or thought maybe he would miss his family, etc.

Of course the reality was the MLC was not in my control.

Sundays would roll in and Xh always seemed like a caged animal. It now dawns on me that Sundays in his family were a big deal. Before his parent's divorce, his family would go to his grandparent's house and meet up with all of the cousins, etc for the weekly Sunday dinner. That of course ended.

Sundays, when it was just the 2 of us was about spending time together, and often we would spend the time with different family members. Xh loved going to visit my grandparents. I never thought about that connection - my grandparents. HIs grandparents had died before I met Xh.

As, I think about this crazy MLC I have thought about Xh's family members dying, but he was close to my grandparents. He would help my M's father every spring and summer with projects. My grandfather died the same year D was born. It hit Xh hard. And as I think about it, Xh always went with me to visit both of my grandmothers, even once they were placed in the nursing home. That is until MLC rolled in. He refused to go.

Sundays, I would often go with my F and visit his M. I would come home and the kids were needing to prep for the coming week. We would have a family Sunday dinner and then evening rolled in.

Before MLC, we quite often would do things as a family, whether it was work outside or go for a drive.

MLC changed Sundays, dramatically. Those Sunday dinners were painful. Xh was irritated with the kids and the prep for the week. He didn't want to be here. It was pretty evident. And, for me, I knew he was not happy. I also knew Monday would roll in and he would have the week to spend with OW, meeting her at various places and going places under the guise of business, but it became apparent that even those business meetings were more about seeing her.

After Xh moved out, Sundays became a day I just dreaded.

Time and the distance from all of that is an amazing antidote. I made my coffee and decided instead of running around trying to get something done, or to sit at the bar, I sat at the kitchen table. That corner of the kitchen has always been a special place. It is all glass and the morning sunlight always fills that corner. Yet, I don't need blinds or curtains, because there is a small overhang that keeps it from being a blinding light. And the deck, with a decorative fence gives me privacy, so it is not a fishbowl.

I felt a comfort this morning that I hadn't realized I now feel. It has been here awhile, but I think I finally recognized it is back. I sat at my antique table and watched the morning breeze blow. The ornamental grasses, that I neglected to cut back in the fall are golden brown with fuzzy tufts on the top. The sun was making them glisten like they were gold. I am rather glad I didn't cut them back. The snow has melted for the most part, so the snow bells are popping out of the ground.

The birds are at the bird feeders. And the neighbor's chickens have decided to venture over to pick up the seed the birds have kicked out of the feeder.

I had forgotten about the work I did on the wisteria last year. Xh had planted it way too close to the house and I had to train it away from the house or cut it down. I chose to build a frame and do the former. But, I had forgotten that I had fun with that project and added metal details - from reclaimed pieces of a table which had Art Nouveau metal details on it.

That damned table - it was in my living room. It had a glass top. I came home one afternoon and the coffee table was gone. FIL never, ever apologized or even admitted to what happened. It was an accident, but it still fascinates me that there was no admission of having broken it. He had been playing with the dog in the house. He threw a toy up in the air and the dog lunged for it, falling through the table and destroying the whole thing. I was just grateful the dog wasn't hurt. The table was dismantled and in the scrap pile. I was so angry I pulled the metal scraps out of the garbage. I think it was more out of spite than anything else. Normally, I would have just thrown it out.

But, those little details from that table found their way onto my wisteria frame. The vines now twist through the metal spirals. Last year someone had admired the little trick. Once the wisteria comes in fully, the metal spirals aren't even visible. This morning though, I think I look at them and think I have made new things from some of the things destroyed during MLC.

My kitchen table, it too now needs refinished. It was a wedding gift from my F. I am not attached to it because it was a wedding gift. I love this table. It was from an old tavern that burned down and there were 4 tables rescued. They were given to my F by the former owner. My sister and my parents each have one. There is one still in storage. I have the most unique one. Mine was a smaller table that the tavern owners decided to make larger, so it has a unique design to it. The table top has the marks and dents from years of use. It is the type of thing people pay big bucks for now to replicate - LOL.

My F had wondered after MLC Xh if I wanted the other table because this was a wedding gift. But, no - I don't associate this with Xh anymore. It is a table with lots of history and I am now anxious to sand the top and put a fresh finish on it. In some ways it is a good representation of removing the remnants of MLC. That fresh finish is very much like finding myself again after this MLC mess.
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Our Community / Re: Things that boggle my mind regarding MLC
« Last post by in it on Today at 07:04:40 AM »
I agree his coming and going whenever he wants to has got to stop.
I'd run this passed your lawyer if this is a home in both of your names.
You may not legally be able to lock him out if you still married on paper.
He lacks boundaries big time.
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Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 06:53:52 AM »
Actually just occurred to me too that the tattoo sleeves will look awful...
My h was never a muscular guy, just a slim one
And now from the last photos I saw he is still not a muscular guy, just a bloated grey 'frog prince' as Morte once called him...I'm not averse to tattoos but they don't look good on flabby fat arms   :D

Good point, Anjae, about the negative energy...I remember when my h was still around a bit, he sent out this vibe of a kind of frenzied darkness and gloom. Awful. Definitely a rose killer  :)
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