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Our Community / Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Last post by Anon on Today at 11:03:16 AM »
If you want to feel out from under him then do your own insurance.   If he pays another year or forever it’s tough for you to feel fully independent.  If you are struggling financially then that’s another consideration.  Just my 2 cents. 
Our Community / Re: Wife's MLC 11
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 10:22:37 AM »
Gman, you need to keep in mind all the work you have done on yourself maybe is overwhelming and even scary sometimes.  You've opened up a lot of old wounds and dealt with them.  That's a lot of growth in a very short time.
I'm amazed every time you post, you sound better..or maybe it's stronger.

You will never be able to go back to once was, because it has changed.  Your world probably is a lot bigger now...and possibly still a little foreign yet to you, which may explain wanted to go back to a safe place.  Like when you were 20 and weren't aware of all these changes that were bound to come.  Life was simpler.

Being a grown up is not easy.  The stuff you have faced is not easy.  It's been hard work...and still may be for some time.
It's like you're growing into who you should have been a long time ago.

Does that make sense?
Wow.... just.......


SO many levels to "sad" in those moments.... at the same time, she has an amazing clarity with the situation and the lunacy that is going on...

If he hasn't already, xH is really on the verge of loosing his D for good....

Well, UrsaMajor, one would think that was "Wow" enough, but no… I am beginning to think xH is trying to push D to cut him out completely.

I was awake very early. I have not gotten the air conditioner put into my bedroom window yet this season. I keep forgetting about it and the idea of putting in at night is not a solid plan, as it is bat season and having the window wide open at dusk or later for any length of time might invite an unwanted house guest. (They are fine outside, eating bugs, but not exactly my idea of a pet  ;)

It was incredibly hot last night and normally I am okay with the windows open and a fan going. It was the humidity that did me in. I was up at 4 am and came downstairs. I was awake for awhile and then nodded off for another hour.

My phone buzzed at 6 am sharp. It was xH. He sent a group message to D and I. No "good morning". He wanted to know when he could pick up his graduation ticket. I responded immediately. D was fast asleep. I told him that they would be handed out at rehearsal either Thursday or Friday. The answer I got - "that is unsatisfactory". Followed by "graduation has been on the calendar the entire year". I wanted to call him and rip into him to remind him that there are a limited number of tickets available as we have graduation indoors in the air-conditioned auditorium. There is a satellite location, but they have a limited number of seats and they try to be mindful of each student. We get an allotment for each student and you can request additional tickets. It has never been a huge problem. But, I bit my tongue. I simply texted that I would be at school on Wednesday, I would see if I could pick up "his" ticket early. He tried to keep going. I did not answer.

D woke up and saw his text. She was annoyed and wanted to know what part was "unsatisfactory". She mumbled "self absorbed much". I let it go.

My breakfast with my F was really nice, Reallytrying. I took him to a family diner. I haven't been there since the end of April. I know my F and his friend go there quite often for coffee. I thought it was kind of funny that the waitress knew exactly where he was going to sit and had his coffee ready to go. We had a nice visit and I was surprised that he had gone to the gym after all, but went earlier. I was also a bit surprised my M didn't join us.

We talked about xH's "tunnel" cabinet and how to possibly retrofit it and fix the very noticeable tilt on the face of it. It was MLC construction - it, like xH is out of whack.  ::) My sister would have been laughing as we had our pens out sketching out solutions on the napkins.

The sculpture project came up in conversation. The granite is in. The concrete is poured. My F is now making plans to fly out there in early July with S to install the piece. It will be a quick trip to do the install. A formal unveiling will follow at another time. I am hoping to make that trip. The install will be an overnight and a good one for my S and F. They deserve time together. XH and S used to take road trips with my F and they so enjoyed themselves.

As far as my weekend - I wished I had gotten outside more to work. My gardens are in desperate need of attention, and I am not in my usual summer shape where the weight drops off me at a rapid rate and I am toned without going to the gym, etc. The other night in fact D's friend's M mentioned how incredibly toned and tan I was 2 years ago. I laughed and said that was MLC overdrive. It would have been before BD#2 and I was walking 3 times a day and had the gardens all in order - I was outside hauling mulch, etc all summer. Now, my gardens are lost amongst giant weeds.

S and xH bought me an antique rose bush for Mother's Day when S was about 5. It bloomed for several years and then xH decided he didn't want it in the back garden. He was going to pull it and get rid of it because it never had many flowers on it no matter how much TLC we gave it. It was the one plant I was sentimental about. I moved it around BD#1. It only ever had one or 2 flowers on it after I moved it, but I still loved it. This morning when I came back from breakfast I was unlocking the front door and looked over. I hadn't noticed that the rose bush is covered in red roses. I have never seen it with that many flowers, even before we moved it. The funny thing is I have seriously neglected it. I didn't even trim it back the way it is supposed to be each fall.

Made my Monday morning a bit brighter.  :)
Our Community / Re: Ugh...seriously?!?
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 10:06:24 AM »
Must admit I’d be tempted to sort my own out. One less bit of potential mess or mindf**kery, simpler and in your control.
I wonder if we doubt our own reality either because we want facts and don’t have them (so the truth is closer to I don’t know and if we can’t live with not knowing then we take action of our own to make a new factual change) or we try hard to assign meaning to what we see or hear but our radar is ‘off’ because all the rules have changed (so simple things become monkey brain things and the monkeys still leave us not knowing)

I guess all we can do is trust our instinct by shutting the monkeys up, decide how much or how long we can cope with the not knowing and build our confidence that when we know and need to act we’ll do the right thing for us.

What’s that quote about a cigar sometimes just being a cigar? Maybe that’s really true as an LBS because it is too insane and exhausting to live with the monkeys.
Our Community / Re: It's all happening
« Last post by Nevertoomuch85 on Today at 09:47:26 AM »
Today I am full of anxiety due to the fact that I have to drop s5 of with my mlcer this afternoon. She will most likely want to sit and talk for 15 minutes as this has become the normal. The thing is, I really don't want to see her, but with this cancer scare, I feel like I should. I'm really wanting to leave her to her crisis and the life she chose, but I'm sacked in with this illness. So very confusing. Ugh.
Our Community / Re: COOL HAND LUKE REDUX 4
« Last post by Watcher on Today at 09:43:04 AM »
Hi Thunder,

Oh I agree with a lot of what you said. That dream is so telling because I do feel that way a lot at times in life. I am detached and I have no need to see her nor desire to talk with her but I do believe this experience has done a number on me.

The fact that she has the audacity to call me is telling on her part. She gave up her secret phone # and like I said she never calls. I do agree that the silent treatment has been the most damaging to me.

I do have their phones blocked. The # does still appear and they are able to leave voicemail. I have IC tomorrow. I work late the next 3 nights, so no house, and maybe I will just take an extended break from it for a bit.

I have no intention on complying with anything that they want. Its been quiet thus far today.

I had the gym this morning and came pretty close to 1200 calories burned. I was talking to a woman at the scoreboard and she was upset because she only burned 500. I explained to her we have different body types and thus I will burn more.

The gym measures MEP's and I have no clue what that means but that is our objective. Mine was 252 and hers was 216.  So we were in the same neighborhood and she was happy. I think that measurement is based on performance. I will have to research it.

Look reallistically I don't see this self absorbed woman ever coming around and it shouldn't take a utility shutting down to get her attention.

I just said to someone on the forum offline the other night that I really have no clue why I am still choosing to remain living this way. I agree I should have divorced her a long time ago.

I don't know. I have my summer planned through the end of September. Am I living my life or am I avoiding the situation ? It maybe a combo of both.

I have to get ready for work. 97 degrees today.

Thanks Thunder
Our Community / Re: My turn!!
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 09:40:40 AM »
There’s a lot of wisdom here and a lot of reality. Maybe the emotion is because what h&f has shared so honestly goes right to the guts of what we all struggle with and where we suffer. There is an MLC script and an LBS script, I think, with similar challenges. But we are all also unique, as our spouses are, and that bit of the LBS Journey is shaped by us individually and in our own time. Put simply, there is no right way...just the right way for each of us to make a real life on the other side of this and to find a way to stop our own suffering.

Here, of all places, I believe two things matter; that we can share honestly the horrible glorious mess of our own path forward and that we can trust that no matter how others respond it comes from a place of love.
Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 8
« Last post by RedStar on Today at 09:32:28 AM »
Acorn, this is great stuff you are posting about anger and resentment, especially as it relates to our own.

And, with the stuff about resentment, I can't help but consider my H's (and probably all of our MLCers') inability to let go of or work through certain resentments that they allowed to help corrode their love for us by just holding them in. He mentioned a couple of these only after BD. Very immature of them...but typical of these avoidant types. Just like the quote says, they gave us too much power over them--without us even knowing it--and then they resented us for their feelings of being in "mental, emotional, and spiritual bondage." It wasn't was them.

I really, really hope that all our partners/ex-partners learn better coping skills than this. I am able to ask mine questions that fall under the category of "R talk" and he is able to flat-out state that he doesn't want to deal with anything that isn't "easy" in the emotional realm. He's only just started his journey, so of course that's where he is right now. I'm really interested to see if he will grow, if I am privy to any of it going forward.
Our Community / Re: General MLC Questions ?
« Last post by nah on Today at 09:13:38 AM »

And yes, once again, there is no need to say it again.  I realize we need to focus on ourselves. But because there is a discussion about mlcer questions, I wanted to throw this out there.

Yep, all the veterans will say this, and they are right BUT... I hated hearing the same phrase again and again in the early days, so let's play for the newbies.

What exactly needs to happen specifically for an MLCer to hit rock bottom?  Especially if there aren't any consequences.

Great question.  One we all ask, I know I did.  Like an alcoholic or an addict, it's different for everybody.  For an addict, could be waking up sick every morning, losing their job, or death.  Just like a MLCer, we can love them but not enable them, it needs to be their rock bottom, their choice.  Some MLCers see their spouse moving on without them, maybe that wakes them up, maybe they lose their job, their favorite hobbies, lose family and friends, lose respect, integrity, financial security, death of a parent...

The Leaver lost every single one of those things... yet he's still rolling around in his bad decisions. 

What if there are no consequences for MLCer to be had??  Does this mean there is no rock bottom?

Just b/c you don't see their consequences, doesn't mean he doesn't have any.  He needs to look in his mirror everyday.  If he was proud of his decisions, he wouldn't have a problem talking about them.

What if it isn't "so bad" over there with life with the OW??  That is a possibility, isn't it?.

Possible but unlikely.  Here's where it is possible...
If the OW really didn't know the MLCer was married.  BUT... once she found out, she walked away from that sh!t bc well-adjusted adults in a long term relationship who are "not feeling it" turn over every rock to work on the issues THEN get a divorce if it can't be fixed, THEN take some time to work on themselves THEN take some time to enter another relationship.  As for the person willing to enter a relationship with someone who has not done those things, well they are just as messed up.

the MLCer is now living happily ever after with OW for some years.  Or no divorce has happened and they continue on with OW for years.

Sure, many do continue on with the OW for years, but happily ever after?  pfft.  Did they fix their problems before they left?  OR... did they take their problems with them and try to bury them down and avoid them? 

If he's happy b/c he's a little boy who is afraid to face his fears and would rather spend his time with a manipulator/ enabler/ and/or insecure pathetic creature who has no problem destroying a family instead of a real woman who can take care of herself and their family, well I don't want him anyways...
do you?
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