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21
Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 6
« Last post by Shockandawe on Today at 08:53:27 AM »
Hi Sun and SS

When my fantasy was new I only saw om sporadically and it was everything I wanted as I had no responsibilities and could live my movie. At this time no I didn’t monster at om. Once reality began to invade then yes I would monster and the monstering increased to the point I only ever monstered. I was hostile and evil toward him. I would scream that I hated him and wanted him to leave. I was just the epitome of hateful. I went from being ecstatically happy (all fake fantasy) to hating having this person even in the same room as me. Again and again the om would talk me around and I was fearful of being on my own because I think most of not all MLCers fear that. But the time came when I would rather be on my own than anywhere near the om.

All of this took time and a lot of it. My advice to you is sit back and watch the movie as a spectator rather than a part player.

22
Our Community / Re: The After Life
« Last post by Airmid on Today at 08:43:36 AM »
Very good post Morte.

I agree with what Morte wrote.
Treasur - you have had very good advice from vets - and you acknowledge the advice - but then don't take action to change things.

You reached out to both Lawprofessor and myself quite some time ago.
We both spent time answering your PMs and stressing that at a certain point you have to focus less on thinking - and more about action.

Like your answer to Morte - you acknowledge our insight - and then take no action.
In fact - your modus operandi with LP and me is to go radio silent when we ask about progress in certain areas of your life.
You can't build a new life by just thinking about it.
You have to move.

What are you doing with your career?  You almost never write about it.  Are you working at all?
What are you doing to interact with people?  Have you joined any groups?  Volunteered anywhere?
How are you managing with the bug-a-boo of your mother's care/paperwork?

Perhaps - instead of doing the re-iterative thinking about your xH - it is time to put that aside for a time and make new experiences, and meet new people, and challenge yourself with your career?

Or - if you still find yourself stuck - maybe return to the therapist and discuss your lack of energy to address re-building portions of your life.

I have stressed this to you for over a year - take some actions.
Try new things.  Focus on work.  Meet new people and get involved in life.

Spending too much time on the internet - on this forum, (and I believe you have also mentioned that you spend time on divorcebusters forum) can keep you stuck.



23
Our Community / Re: BURNING MAN 12
« Last post by readytofixmyselffirst on Today at 08:38:47 AM »
Hello Watcher,

For what it is worth, as I stood atop the Empire State Building on the 86th floor, I looked and waved towards the Jersey side and gave you two thumbs up! That also goes for all the other LBSers in the area.

We watched Phantom of the Opera last night and had sushi for dinner. Phantom was awesome. We we in the front row and right in front of the conductor. I had to resist my ADHD urge to rub his head. Afterwards, we walked Times Square and I kept an eye out for the Naked Cowboy, no sign of him, so either the gig doesn't pay well or he retired a millionaire. Just preparing you for your next gig Watcher.

On to Brooklyn Bridge and pizza at the place Finding Joy recommended. Tomorrow is Central Park and dessert at Two Little Red Hens.

Enough about me,

Yes, I figured the spineless man would show up. Yes, I also agree with you about grandfather's abuse. Think about it, from your wife's viewpoint, if you are forced to deny that experience, you can deny anything.

Yes, NC really helps. It is different not to be forced into the situation everyday. Really, my healing started slowly after I moved out for the first time. When she left after the divorce, I was mentally set to be alone and actually embraced the freedom.

Of course, you still have the children and they need your support. I know the divorce right now centers on the school and support and has financial implications. However, the divorce may be a better solution for your children. Your youngest really needs to get away from the toxicity of the family dynamics right now.

Hang in there,

Ready
24
Hi Dogwalker.  Thanks for popping by. 

Yes I am very lucky - I can be in the Lakes in around 1 hour. I don’t get up there as often as I should but it is really easy for me to take off on the spare of the moment and get my hill fix.  My dog is suffering with the heat at the moment – even though I try to keep her coat (fleece) short she still looks like a teddy bear - so having to walk her early morning and late in the evening when its cooler. 

You are so right – all we can do is just keep on doing what we are doing.  Really easy to do when I don’t see him or have contact but when he pops up it takes a couple of days to reach detachment again, but the time to detachment is getting smaller.

S26 leaves to go traveling in a couple of months (flight tickets booked) and he plans to be away for at least 1 year, I will miss him – he not only lives with me but he works with me as well.  But I have to say I am looking forward to having the house to myself.  It will be the first time since all this ‘stuff’ started that I can feel that I have no responsibilities for anyone other than myself after all S26 will be too far away for me to do anything – it would take me over 24 hours to get there.  I also won’t miss living with a 26 years teenager though; it will be a relief to open a kitchen cupboard and find a glass or a plate and not have to search his room for them!  S27 will continue to come home at weekends but he does his own thing – I might end up doing the occasional load of washing for him and giving him a lift to collect his car after a night out for him but that’s all - apart from having tins of bangers and beans in the cupboard and bread in the freezer - food of athletes apparently.

Just curious – not that it is something that is happening and maybe will never happen for me – but how are your sons dealing with you and your W reconnecting.  I don’t think mine sons would be too impressed if it happened for me.  Even though they both have contact with H (duty contact on their part), they think he is currently a bit of a jerk and that I could do so much better, S26 can’t understand why I haven’t filed for divorce and kicked him to the curb. 

I hope all is well with you and that you are still slowly rebuilding some sort of relationship with your wife.

Enyo X
25
Our Community / Wedding is tomorrow
« Last post by megogirl on Today at 08:21:33 AM »
(MODS: Please link - Idk how to find my original thread.)

This weekend is absolutely excruciating. 

The wedding is tomorrow, so tonight is the Rehearsal Dinner.  This morning XH had breakfast with S16 and his friend "B" & his wife.  B was Best Man in our wedding in May of 2001.  S16 is Best "Man" tomorrow (even though he's still a boy!). S16's Godfather is "G", who will arrive for the wedding later today. 

I have known these people for almost 20 years, and am still Facebook friends with all of them.   They all know this marriage is the product of an affair, and also that I have MS.

So I sent S16 a text this morning that read, "You do know that to abandon a disabled spouse is the most despicable thing any person can do, right?  No matter how "normal" everyone will try to make it seem."  S16 answered: "yes."

How does XH even live with himself?  And how will all of these people even stand there tomorrow? 

This pain is indescribable.  My identity has been totally usurped. 

This marriage can not crash and burn soon enough.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10978.0

26
Our Community / Re: BURNING MAN 12
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 08:13:42 AM »
Watcher, I agree with so much of what you said.
I think that's why it is so hard for people to get away from their abusers.  I think I read they will leave them usually 7 times before they actually leave for good.  How many times have you been forced out?  A lot.

I read up on trauma bonding and it really is quite interesting, but at least you are seeing it now.

Similar to the way Stockholm Syndrome manifests, the abuse victim bonds with his or her abuser as both the source of terror and comfort in an attempt to survive the tumultuous relationship. As a result, abuse victims feel a misplaced, unshakeable sense of loyalty and devotion to their abusers, which to an outsider may appear nonsensical.

This may be why you can hate the parents, but not her, even though she is an abuser also.  I don't even think it matters why they are abusers, they just are.  I'm sure the parents have their reasons too.  People aren't just born abusers.

Have a good day, Watcher.   :)
27
Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 6
« Last post by Stand Tall on Today at 08:07:50 AM »
Hi shock sis,

  I was wondering the same thing as sun asked. How did you treat the om? Did you take your anger out on them? I know I walked on egg shells the two years prior to H leaving and I was wondering if the ow/om get put under the same kind of stress that the spouse had/has when living with the mlcer.
28
Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 6
« Last post by Sunandshade on Today at 07:53:18 AM »
Hi Shock sis,
Did you ever monster at OM?
29
Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 6
« Last post by Shockandawe on Today at 07:49:01 AM »
Hi Morte

I don’t remember getting angry with anyone else but then I pretty much didn’t interact with many of the people I knew. I had new people to interact with and as it was my movie I saw them as extras on a way.
Anger passes to indifference and nothing bothered me I was safe inside my bubble.

Shocks sis
30
Our Community / Re: Help! Do I have a MLCER part 5
« Last post by dogwalker on Today at 07:27:33 AM »
Hi all time for a quick update.

Life is busy but good  at the moment. My job has stepped up a gear. Im still considering retirement but each month something old gets replaced at home so I am seeing real progress with my home coming into the 21st century. Just taking work a month at a time. But if the big boss starts to crank it up anymore he will be politely told thanks and goodbye. I have been very lucky financially recently I sold a small part of my garden to a developer who will build a new house on it and it’s given me the financial security of owning my home now. I so very lucky and grateful. It does mean my garden is smaller and I will eventually be overlooked  but I have the option to get use to it or sell up and move. So many exciting options and plans to think about over the next 12months.

W and I continue to reconnect slowly each day. I see the old W but with new bits and changes. She is more confident and takes responsibility be it paying bills on time, putting her point across when deliveries go wrong, chasing stuff that hasn’t arrived, looking for holidays and then booking them. All of which I would have done in the old R. We have spoken a little about living together but parked that for now. We are both enjoying how it is now so no need to rush  We spend weekends at each other homes and we spend a time DIYing both homes. Weekends go very quick now.

The holiday was great. Just laying in the sun, reading, people watching, eating, drinking and laughing lots at just about everything. And we have booked another holiday in September. We had a family BBQ last weekend which was very nice. Not like the old days. Different as we are all older but still great to all be together especially for my Dad. Its good to see him enjoying all the fuss and company he gets from everyone.

Sadly but not surprisingly OM has been back in her life the last 2 weeks which we both found stressful. He decided he wanted the stuff he had left at her house and then they could go their separate ways and there would be no need to contact each other ever again .(he does the contacting) So she spent last week packing it all up and sending it up to him (He is 150 miles away) So that’s done. He has also asked for a share of the house she owns from our Divorce as they he felt he should get something as a settlement for there 5 year relationship. When he didn’t get anywhere he asked for a one off payment of £12k. which went down to £5k and then he begged for £3k as he has nothing(He hasn’t worked for 15months far to mentally ill or busy drinking and smoking his redundancy check…) Eventually she did give him £1k to "set himself up". I have no opinion to this its not my business except Im not surprised by any of it. But on the plus side he should now have no contact with her. But I do think he will come back and ask for more when it runs out. I’d like her to change her number or block him but its not my business and she will have to think about that when he comes back for more funds. Of course, Id be happy to be proved wrong and we all never hear from him again……..

I’ll keep you posted on that one.


Take care DW
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