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21
Our Community / Re: Long time standing, need to change, help
« Last post by BeTheOak on Today at 07:17:38 AM »
Tunder thank you, you kick up my confidens a litli, thanks...

See, about their friend sheep OM1 OM2 and finally OM3 (but he is, for now he just emergency help attention/validation/fulfill boring time), when OM2 is not in line. For OM1 she was i crush (she did not flirt in nasty way ...), about OM2, she is in Limerance (heavy fall in love), she rollercoaster from bait/nagging/manipulate/challenge him to be so much desperate and insecure.
OM3, i a toy, for now. For the moment she play with OM3 agent me only, i am not sure when she will play OM2.

I know, a lite about my MLC base behavior ...in the past and recently, if i confront her about her behavior or say about me, being her husband...her answer always is (the wording is different each time - but the meaning is the same), YOU are not my husband, from the moment you, have been with OW, you choose to do this, it was your decision, i am different person now, i am sorry that you cannot accept me .....

She is kind of predictable.....
But i am now :), at the moment, as i wrote above ....she was expecting me, to react a lot, about her behavior ....but i am not, i made to be obvious something was changed for me ...but did not tell what......

Tunder, i am smile every time, when i ready your soft (in good way) and polite way of writing, it talk to me how wonderful person you are, thank you supporting me - if i was reach this forum a year ago, instead DB ...may be.....:), i does not matter now, i am here, and i am filling better.....being here give me strength to handle what will come tomorrow or a day after tomorrow.
It is hard to overcome what was happened yesterday, but it is dabble hard to overcome something, that you know will happened tomorrow, and stay calm, and not allow your self to do nothing to prevent, what will happened....yea...it is hard

I am going home, MLCW is free day, she is at home with the kids, i will use, my trip to home, about thinking....will write soon
22
Our Community / His behaviour doesn't match what I have read...
« Last post by Beabutterfly on Today at 07:15:10 AM »
Bomb drop was May 2015 and he has behaved and said everything that RCR has written including OW (gone January 2017) etc....until now.
October  2017 he did second bomb drop, went into total monster for 3 months and then began messaging daily in Jan 2018.  At first projection and questions...I used boundaries on his behaviour and told him I would not respond if he continued. He calmed down and in March 2018 he admitted he felt lost and unsettled. He will not see me but messages continued to get better and smilely faces etc were used. He was very cordial and we actually had a single phone call in April. I thought we were reconnecting. However for the last 2 months he has only messaged "night"(sometimes with my name) and "morning" (sometines with my name). I have replied and kept it short too as I didn't want to be seen to be pursuing him. He seems listless and unintrested. Today I asked why he doesn't message at other times of the day and he replied by asking me the same thing! I replied that I was giving him space to which he said he was doing the same thing to me! I did go NC for 5 weeks as I needed to recoup and he messaged asking why for 9 days and stating that he obviously wasn't important to me! He has got a new job but has not told me (we have 40 mutial friends on Facebook so someone was going to tell me!) Do I take that as a positive that he is moving forward(he hated his old job) and could he be in limbo/starting limility or is he still cycling?  There is so much about the beginning confusion but not so much about the latter stages....its been 3 years and I am so tired!
23
Treasur & UrsaMajor - the times I have thought it or voiced it to myself far outweigh actually saying it. I vent in other ways. I won't say that Xh and I did not argue in the past, but I can't remember telling him to F off ever before. I was not beyond some unkind words, that would be a lie. But, the bulk of that came during MLC and my own bad behaviors - reactive on my part.

I do have a temper, I  just try and keep it in check. And now, when I lose my temper, I try hard to understand - for my own benefit what is at the core of my anger. I don't like operating in that zone. I don't mind being "fired up" or passionate, but I meant what I said last night.

I am not regretting it and that is what is troubling me a wee bit. It might not have been the most mature way to handle it, nor the best way, but it is what I was feeling. Xh is lucky that I am not more reactive at this stage in the game. I have not hit him with a frying pan or dragged him out to the digestion pond in the farmer's field. I have laughed about those thoughts and had some twisted fantasies at times, but they simply make me laugh, as I would never act upon them. I like my freedom too much - LOL and jail is really not an option I am aiming for. Besides, the guilt and shame I would feel would far outweigh the jail sentence.

I just don't like this version of the man - he can F off. LOL

I am being mindful of the weight loss and trying to take care of myself. The stress from all of this is not helping me. I am back to erratic sleep patterns. Falling asleep early and being wide awake at 11 pm only to be at that stage until 1:30 or 2 AM. Then I am awake again at 6. I lie in bed until 7:30, but rarely fall back asleep. Eating - I have to force myself to eat. The heat is adding to the lack of appetite. I can afford to lose some weight, that is not it, but I am not looking to go about it in an unhealthy way. And, it is now being noticed by my M and it is not the loss she noticed. It is the rate at which I am losing it. So, I am now being hounded and reminded to eat. LOL

One of Xh's comments was he can't wait for the tethers to be cut for S, so he doesn't have to ever rely on me again - LOL - I know I am not a helicopter parent, but I must be some type of hot air balloon parent if tethers are involved  ::) Not even sure what he was getting at - LOL.

The big F-off was about Xh's behavior and accusations, but I think in many ways it was just a big FU to the overall crisis. I am sooooo ready to move past this crisis. Xh can go have it on his own time, I have punched out of that "supporting" role. 
24
Our Community / Re: My life is not defined by a live-in MLCer 9
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 07:13:31 AM »
Thank you all for your helpful comments and hopping on my wagon.  It is a slow lumbering ride but moving forward, nonetheless.

——————
3 MLC stories were put on my path in the past few days.  My mind is still reeling from them!

1 case with a live-in, 2 cases with recently returned MLCer. 

A brief summary:

Case 1, live-in.  MLCer’s wife told me about her situation.

MLCer, early 50’s.  About 10+ years ago, he declared that he want quit his job and just stay home.  His W said ‘No way, Jose, change your job if it is too stressful.’  He found a less stressful job, bought himself a drum kit (he doesn’t have a single musical bone in his body ;D), started drinking heavily, pretended he didn’t have W and kids, continually argued with D, etc.  Basically being a total a** until 7 years ago.  He started to act like a decent human being and started reconnecting with God, etc.  W was the last in line fo reconnecting.  7 years of reconnecting and LBS says she finally feels that they are reconciled. 

Case 2,  LBS and MLCer’s daughter told me the story.

MLCer, late 50’s.  Used to be the pillar of the community and church, a man everybody respected.  Left W 5 years ago to be with a much younger sociopath who made him pay for all her tuition, rent, living expenses.  Now he is home, lots of health issues, completely broke. 

Case 3, MLCer’s sister told me the story.

MLCer, mid-50’s.  Bought MC, a red sports car (I’m not kidding), OW.  Left to live on his own 3-4 years ago.  Back home and rebuilding R with his family. 

—————
Having listened to all the stories over several hours (one of them an entire day), I can share with you the common traits in all 3 LBS’s.

- They left MLCers to their own devices and got living their own life.  Basically, they paid much attention to MLCers’ shananigans. 
- They were, or became, independent, emotionally and in everyday living. 
- They maintained and nurtured their R with the kids and friends.  They felt immensely blessed with their families and the circle of friends. 
- They knew NOTHING about doing 180, MLC stages, etc.  They relied on their common sense and knew instinctively that they couldn’t do a thing to help MLCers.
- They did not ‘waste’ their time and energy pining for the return of MLCer.  They simple let them go and lived their life.
- They treated their MLCers kindly when interacting with them and did not spout any judgement.
- MLCers indicated (between the lines) that they somehow knew LBS would be open to the idea of them returning. 
- 2 out of 3 MLCers found God again...  The other one didn’t have religion pre-MLC.

——————

Nothing that you didn’t hear before but this is from 3 people who had not researched MLC and how to deal with MLCer.  They followed their common sense and intuition. 
25
Our Community / Re: Flying Solo - Piloting My Own Destiny
« Last post by Sam I Am on Today at 07:12:00 AM »
Morning all....appears there is no good change in fantasy land.  Things are only getting worse as predicted by the wise ones who have gone before me.

What is worse....D is getting upset and angry with H right now.  He has not reached out to her since Monday to inquire about the family.  (D, GS, GD)

Yesterday he reached out to her via text.....she got excited...then opened it up.  He had a question on softball pitching rules and just wanted to reminisce on Ds softball history.  He was just sitting around watching the softball world series and dragged D into Fantasy Land with him.   Never once asked about the kids.  She was so disappointed.  She is 28...I talked to her as an adult and told her (not making excuses) that this proves how bad of a spot he is in.  Told her to not take it personally.  Learn from it and not have expectations and expect that it could take years before she ever starts to see any signs of the father she used to know.  She said she is so fed up.  She is struggling to understand how he can fail to ask.  Bluntly I told her....right now he doesn't care unless it is about him.  Told her that his text to her was nothing more than an anchor check.  Making sure you were doing to respond and do so in a nice manner.  Told her he can't talk about GS/GD because it possibly hurts so bad so it is easier to ignore their existence for now.

Advised her to keep her journal of things she would have shared with him and keep a photo diary because one day he may need it.  If he doesn't...then it will be great in  20 years to go back through it!

I fully support her in any way she needs to deal with H.  She is an intelligent grown woman and she can make her decisions.  There are times she wants to totally cut him off and ignore he even exists.  I told her what ever she does...do it for her not out of spite!

As for me....I am doing well.  I am pushing forward day after day.  Each day brings me closer to an ending sometime in the future.  Each day is another day I don't have to relive.  However it is a day I lived.  I am not sitting around moping.  I am living.  Sometimes going out...sometimes doing nothing more than sitting on the deck and reading.  Sometimes it is cleaning and getting the house in order.  It is whatever I want, when I want it!  That is the key....it is for me! 

My days are still getting better and better.  I have really let H go and no longer worry when or if he will ever call.  I know where he is....a deep dark cave (tunnel) and he needs this time to find himself without my interference in any way shape or form.  So I don't.  I don't try to call or text or interact with him at all.  Sadly, I am ok with that.  I know that if there is ever a future, I have to distance myself for my own healing and let him do the same. 

So he is in Fanatasy Land and living the life!  He has his OW...but no job and no money of his own.  He gave me the pension to pay bills with.  He is totally dependent on someone.  Maybe this is what he needs or wants...who knows...who cares.  I know I can wake up each morning and hold my head high because I am doing right by myself and I am taking care to noy let the financials get out of hand.  I am taking care of the dogs...the house...the financial...and basically our financial future too be it alone or together.  I am proud of me!  I got this!
26
Our Community / Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 07:05:25 AM »
I agree Mitzpah, it just makes you look bad by calling them names. 

Of course in your head its ok.  lol
27
Our Community / Re: Thread 31 - Taken by the Wind Part 2
« Last post by stillbaffled on Today at 07:04:03 AM »

So, the dealer called this morning and the guy that took the test drive yesterday bought it ... so I am STILL looking...


Well, you are certainly picking all the right bikes to look at.  Seems others like them too! 

Keep up the search, UM. 
28
Our Community / Re: ME
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 07:01:37 AM »
Yes I agree.  Not happy about your back, but glad you got a doctor who is more thorough.

Let us know how things good.

Hugs
29
Our Community / Re: Trying to move on, but still love husband...
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 06:57:32 AM »
I'm sorry, Nina.  It is all confusing.

What he is asking of you is unreal and unfair to you.
You want to go home to a husband not a demanding teenager who wants no rules.  It would be a huge mistake on your part and you know that. 

He is no where near being ready to act like that husband.

The other thing you could add is not until ow is gone for at least 4 months.  No contact with her at all, which means you have access to his phone and anything else.  He should not care if you look.

If you do end up getting a D, don't fear it.  It isn't always the end of the story, it's more of a financial protection for you and your daughter.
30
Our Community / Re: ME
« Last post by heroIam on Today at 06:55:35 AM »
You know your body better than any dr!  But good thing you got a different dr this time.
Hoping your back heals quickly.
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