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Our Community / Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Last post by Standing Strong on October 16, 2019, 04:53:48 PM »
Yup, a long ride FJ......

I have to say though..... the return of feelings is HUGE.
W didn't start making progress until that happened, and then things really started happening. She also couldn't process them and was overloaded. I don't know how many weeks that went on for, communication wasn't the best back then.
I heard the I can't love anyone too....... it's ok. What he's really saying is he doesn't believe he can be loved. No joke.

Has he described it? I wonder if it's the same for them all? W described it as a rush of emotions, like a backlog.... PLUS all current emotions on top of that. Like a sensory deprivation tank and the water rushing in with no way to stop it (at least that's how I interpreted it). She said the emotion wouldn't stop, and they'd just hammer her, especially when she was alone. Since there was no emotion for so long, they are extra sensitive to it.

I don't know if what follows this explosion is depression. It's self awareness but I don't think it's anywhere near the end of replay.
Awareness is HUGE though. If he really is either going to be permanently self-aware, or a "first look", that's a really good thing.... a milestone. Let's hope and pray it's permanent. Then he will really process, and that will be a while. If he runs away after a look around, that's ok.... but he stands a better chance if you extend an olive branch. This will confuse the heck out of him, but watch to see if he grabs it. The MLC raccoon will grab anything shiny, so be the shiny.

If no OW..... he will simmer and I think it'll stop him in his tracks. Get ready for some MAJOR confusion and self-reflection from him. Will he voice it? Maybe. IF he chooses to trust you.
If he simmers, let him talk D, but I don't think he'll do it. They talk, talk, talk.... it's all fantasy. If you are important, or become important, where you are with him will change BIG TIME.
If he does look to you, put on your gloves FJ and dive in (gently). I know that will be hard to listen and probe (gently). I'd say pray and have God lead you in it..... this is where the real work is. Going to help him spin those wheels, and they have to be spun. It's not fun. It is painful..... but you have been prepared for this. Stick out that hand into the muck, let him grab it.... when he lets go, wait. Hold out your hand again, let him grab it and when he lets go again.... wait (and pray) then stick out your hand again. You're the hero in this, remember that. The strength resides in you. The light is you. The anchor is you. Save your spouse.

Super important that if he looks to you for help, that you listen and not judge. Super important. Be totally honest but zip those lips and let him run his. He's going to have so much to say, and the same darn things over and over and over again. That's processing.
That he would look to you is very big, that's the cry for help (without saying it like that). They can't verbalize.
This is where trust and a new role is formed. Best that it's you and not someone else. Grit your teeth and take a bite. The 1st one is hardest, it will get easier.

You've got this.

-SS
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Our Community / Re: Building a better boat
« Last post by KeepItTogether on October 16, 2019, 04:32:10 PM »
Well, that is one of the best ways to take a pigs ear and turn it into a silk purse that I have ever seen...

Exactly what I was thinking....well maybe not in such a colorful way. ;)  But I love it that you have made use of that old pole barn. You are the poster child for LBS survive and thrive. Go get em!
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but no one at all since the day he moved back in 20 months before, and absolutely no one that I would be interested in pursuing if given the chance.  He asked again "really?" and told him "really! no interest at all in anyone else".


Always interesting how they seem to assume we are all cut from the same cloth.  So un-trusting. Well, you get a "Happy Anniversary" from me b/c you did weather a most unpleasant storm for 10 long years, and look at you both now.  :)
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Our Community / Re: What does a 'normal' divorce look like
« Last post by Standing Strong on October 16, 2019, 04:22:31 PM »
Yup, what brain says...... except for that the MLC'er will sometimes make their plans known to a few people they want to be the "victim" to. Those people are normally shocked too but keep it under wraps.
When I was BD'ed I was very surprised to find some of her family knew and felt so bad but couldn't say anything.

Justification is huge in MLC, and I don't think it is in "normal" divorce.

I think in "normal" divorce, the people don't like each other (at least one) and it's very open. In MLC it's all a surprise.

I know the day before BD I was told "I love you" (and each day the months before for that matter).... then *BAM*. You don't do that in "normal" divorce.

-SS
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DCD

Very nice to read your post.

It sounds like you both are on the same wave length.  That’s really good!

I hope things continue to progress positively


Hugs

L
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Our Community / Re: Wife's MLC 16
« Last post by gman242 on October 16, 2019, 03:51:54 PM »
Hey brain.. I know..  :-\ I've actually been doing really well with not taking things personally. I get down, but wait a bit before reacting and I've really been realizing how sensitive I have been to the moods of others. I guess it was from all the past abuse, when someone seemed "off", I think that is has something to do with me, but it doesn't nearly 100% of the time.

I was re and reading Whyus' thread and it got me thinking. Although I'm not sure what the connection to his thread is, but I was in the shower and it hit me nearly a year ago, OM got divorced and then xW started pressuring me to get ours done. And then in February, she gets a vacation and the mental health place. Then this year, she has a confirmed OM2,  she's really over loading herself with school, she's making promises to do better with S and kinda of having a "everything is normal" party, on our anniversary no less.

Me being angry, I just assumed W had been leading me on for 2-3 years, keeping me on the back burner if her and OM don't work out. That may have been the case, but I wonder if he had forced her to get divorced and that's what put her in the mental health place. She was just telling me a while ago that she had hit rock bottom, but I think she's still avoiding by thinking that if she does well in school, she can change jobs and be happy. I think that's good for her regardless, but I saw how tired she looked when she picked up S the other week. I think it's also a distraction for her and she's not wanting to confront herself or the real damage she's caused.

Going full circle, no it isn't about it me after all..

Anyway, despite a huge, glorious Shepard's pie I just made, which I also amped up with extra cheddar and Worcestershire sauce, S has now microwaved some sort of clam chowder that smells like a rat has died in the attic..  ::)

Last week, while we were at the movies, I stopped into the bathroom remodeling place that was next door. It's bath fitter, I don't know if you have them elsewhere, but they come in on one day and redo your entire shower. They use fiberglass cladding and when we stayed in NY, the bathroom in the hotel was done using a similar product and it looked really nice. It doesn't look like a trailer shower at all.. ha ha. They model it after real tile now and it doesn't have that molded in look I hate. The girl that worked there said she's not allowed to give out prices, but she said out the door, the most expensive models with install are $5K. All I want is plain white tile and to convert my tub to a shower. So I'll call them sooner or later and get a free estimate. I'd like frame-less glass doors and if they don't offer them, I'll go with a shower curtain until I can get them from someone else. The parts individually are $2k and maybe for 3, I don't have to do any of the work? Sure :)

I am really proud of S. He's working on this daft punk helmet. He printed out a template, cut it out of card stock, formed it and then sort of went over it all with wall plaster, sanded it and I helped him paint it. He then cut out a visor from an old poster frame piece of clear plastic, tinted it and now he's working on soldering 200 LEDs together. He's made all of his halloween costumes by himself since he was 6. If he doesn't end up famous for something.. I dunno what to think really. I'd just be really surprised if he isn't.. He also likes to sit right in the middle at the movies and they say that's indicative of someone who uses both their brains equally and that's extremely true of him. I like to sit on the left side and I'm a right brained person.

However, bragging aside, I had to listen to him get frustrated for several hours last night. That really soured things and despite it, I still managed to get my floor cleaned up. I had all I could stand and I couldn't stand anymore! Right after W moved out, I got some ikea cabinets and made a liter box out of them. They were big, dirty and monolithic. I think I really just wanted the distraction. Well, they're gone now and I have a new desk and filing cabinet in their place which is what I really had been needing. It's better to self care than distract yourself.

Also to take out of Whyus' thread, he was talking about his parents separating and not being happy, having settled for other people. I've always been afraid of ending up like that after W has left. I think I've honestly liked people since her, but in a way, it all feels like settling or just second best. I didn't want this and I had what I wanted, she just wouldn't do her share and I did too much.  :-\

All it means is it's another confirmation I don't really need to be dating right now until I've figured out how to be me first. That's another thing I've been realizing.. I never had a solidified sense of self before I met W. I"m kinda short on run time right now while S is finishing up high school, but I'm interested to see what the future holds for us.
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Our Community / Re: Learning How to Live Again with Gratitude 2
« Last post by 9393roo on October 16, 2019, 03:43:55 PM »
Mal, Here is my 2 cents.

I have been in and out of individual therapy and MC a few times.  Honestly, both were heavily weighted towards maybe I should leave my H because his behaviors are damaging and he may not ever change.  As someone who is standing, this is not helpful.   Honestly I have received the most help here on this site.  I have taken advice and felt listened to so much more than any of the therapists I have seen.  The MC was probably most helpful with helping to establish communication but I have shelved that idea until/if H is ready to be a full partner again. 

Maybe take a little break to see how it feels?  Right after BD I saw a therapist for 3 months.  I felt myself saying the same thing over and over without a resolution, I felt scared to quit but when I did I found that I felt a little better almost like I didn't have to answer to a therapist when they were questioning my motives for staying.   

I don't know if that makes sense or not.  Having people in RL and on here to talk seems to have helped me the most.  Well,that paired with some wine for the WTF days!  (I find myself drinking more wine the last few days.....)

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Thanks DCD, it's wonderful to see reconciliation is possible.  Your communication is great, all things need to be transparent for this to work.
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Sorry qapel - it's difficult to listen at the moment, but booking your retreat, and blaming yourself for not doing it, have nothing to do with what is going on.  This is HIS crisis and has nothing to do with you, or your marriage, or what you should or shouldn't have done.  It's a tough truth to get your head around, but it's a truth nonetheless.  It will also take time to get there, so be gentle with yourself and try not to take the blame here.

I can't help but blame myself for every mistake I made. I made a lot of mistakes. He was good to me a lot. Maybe his crisis is my fault. I feel sick. I could have been a better wife so many times.

I did the same thing for awhile.  I was told everything was my fault.  I believed it, because they are so good at projection and gas lighting to justify their horrible actions.  But my STBXW spent years hiding her feelings, even when I asked her why we weren't intimate.  Her behavior was due to her FOO issues and had nothing to do with me.  Her way of interacting with me was neither honest, nor vulnerable.  Your H is responsible for his behavior.  He's responsible for not trying to let you know he wasn't feeling supported in the marriage.  He's responsible for abandoning you.  His choices are his alone.  You did not make him decide this course of action, and you can't stop him from pursuing his path.  All you can do is focus on you.  There's nothing wrong with owning areas in the marriage you wish you could have done better:  that will help you in future relationships.  But you can't own his behavior or his actions.  Those are his responsibility.
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Our Community / Re: New me, who’s that?
« Last post by Savoir Faire on October 16, 2019, 03:33:06 PM »
It's a pity he wants the children to see he's a good guy but with you it doesn't matter so much.  Unfortunately for him, children are not stupid and can see through what he's doing and as they get older, will call him out more often.

Congratulations to your D3!  She's done a great job and made her mother proud. It's great that life goes on regardless of MLC madness and it's something your H would once have been home to see, now he misses out and as I used to tell my xH "You chose it!"
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