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21
Our Community / Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 06:48:18 AM »
Good to hear.
Keep your expectations lower than low, of course...they cycle like the Tour de France  ::)
And above all, don't let your brain trick you into thinking that you have to 'win' him back by putting on a special dating 'show' of eggshells....nope, if anything tbh, get on with your life and let him see if he can persuade you he is worth your time...
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Our Community / Re: The MLC picture show
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 06:44:07 AM »
Not sure why but ow and selfies and lbs stalking seem to go together like...idk, slugs and wet soil  ::)
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Our Community / Re: BURNING MAN 5
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 06:40:54 AM »
I'm laughing.  What on earth was your mom air drying that caused your sister to be mortified?   ;D  Undies?

It's kind of nice your family is interested in your races.  They obviously care about what you are doing. 
Hmm...muddy sounds like I may cut down on your time.  Also sounds a bit slippery.

Good luck and let us know how you do.   :)
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Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 06:25:58 AM »
Ah, God bless you all...
See, a little humility and asking for help and up it shows. Thank you.

I went to buy compost en route to planting potatoes and garlic on my allotment.
And right by the front door was a big bucket of yellow bare root roses on sale...£3 each...I took it as a kindly hug from the universe and bought five to add to my collection for the new garden here. Tbh whenever I see yellow roses now, I think of my HS friends  :)

And yes, Thunder, allotment site will be updated today...bizarrely I have been afraid of my laptop recently  ::)...PTSD recovery is a quirky lizard indeed...so that will give me a push.

So many words of wisdom here, so I'll pull out a few that really helped me today and might help others.

What it helped me realise though is that it is entirely about me.
It is a recovery battle between my head and heart, quite right.
My head says time to let it all go bc I'm tired of suffering...and this is what is real now. But my head also forgets (or doubts) and keeps thinking of my xh as if he were normal...which of course turns him into a truly awful man who chose to hurt me when I was bereaved and sick...so of course I somehow accidentally married a rotten human being and wasted years in a con.
My heart is also tired of suffering but my heart knows that our relationship was real and rather lovely until something broke in my then h's head and he destroyed and ran to avoid his issues and shame, not to (often) intentionally hurt me. That it is sad but I was lucky to have the partnership I did and that both of us have lost something irreplaceable.
There are benefits to both of course but they are at war a bit currently.

Treasur, I found it helpful to learn to say neutral statements to myself. For example, "it was his time to leave" to replace other types of thoughts I had. I found reading about the victim triangle helped me find and create my own neutral statements.
So wise. I have long had the strangest instinct that God removed him to protect me rather than taking him. Bc with everything else I was dealing with then, a live in MLCe probably would have broken me beyond repair. I shall practice a few neutral statements I can use as a fallback.


I, too, have occasionally learned that the OW has posted similar types of things, all in the vein of admiring him -- almost as if she were showing off a trophy.

I have heard enough through the years to know that my MLCer feels huge guilt, and my experience is that his preferred method of dealing with it is to run further, to find someone else to fix it.  Mine has been through many OW.

So my opinion is that the vanishing and erasing of the previous life is due to an inability to deal with themselves and what they have done, and the new situation allows them to not to have to.
Funnily enough it isn't about the ow for me. It is about that 'how could he' feeling I think.
With a vanisher, you see so little so it is easy to assume they feel no guilt or shame at all.
But you're right...even long past the point when my xh could have safely said something kind or gracious, bc he had what he wanted, he didn't. And a normal person who was not still running would do so. And I am doing nothing to make him feel guilty, haven't for a long time, so yes, that makes sense.

Mostly, I settle on it was real at the time.  I can't do anything about his need to revise our history. But  I decided a while ago  that if I also start to revise our history, than any sense of the good in our life together will truly be lost. So I consciously hold onto the good in my memories.

If it makes you feel any better, reading what you write is like holding a mirror up to my own experience. You are at the stage where I think I was questioning the most. Things really did start to get better after year 4. I could begin to look back on memories with some happiness.

I think so far, that this awful experience has, in part, been to teach me compassion. And to send me friends whom I have grown to appreciate deeply. And to bring me closer to God. 
Yes, I also don't want to add to the destruction by rewriting my own life too.
And it is really encouraging to hear that my chewing is normal and that it gets better after year 4...roll on Oct!
I think I have learned to accept mess that makes no sense (a bit), to be still and listen to that inner voice and to feel truly grateful for kindness.

I became more aware of when my thoughts were getting emotional and I was spiralling down and there was more of a chance of a it becoming a full on pity party and at these times I did anything and everything to distract myself from thinking about what I had lost and what had happened (didn't always work) but I managed it the more I tried

I don't know why but I have never ever thought that my MLC'er didn't love me I knew its nothing about that...….and like you I have very very strong memories of just how crazy and out of character he was when things started to unravel so those memories helped me too........

I think the battle I had was when I thought rationally about a  situation that was/is totally unrational,.
If I ever found myself thinking you couldn't have loved me.....I then immediately went to those memories where it proved he did, I If I ever felt 'how could he do that' then I would think how crazy he was and know he wasn't thinking straight...

If I had any problems remembering those times I would read through some of my threads at the time to remind myself just how crazy everything was at the time

I never thought like this...……..I don't think I was foolish and I know you are not so this is destructive thinking....you weren't catfished you were married to someone for a long time who really loved you and showed it in everything he did, but then he became unwell (and its clear from everything you have documented he did have serious mental health problems )

Treasur, if I may I think the problem you are having is a battle between head and heart.....your head says you want to cut off your H, you want to move on, you are not standing, you have to cut him out and all the memories
Your heart isn't ready to do that yet...

My advice to you would be …...just be......accept where you are on any given day...….
Don't try to wish you had done something else with your life because its fruitless…don't try to rewrite your history with negatives that will make you feel even worse and don't regret the past because you cant change it you can only learn from it.

Ah 1t...you put your finger right on it...that battle between head and heart.
I wish I never doubted that he didn't love me. I wish it didn't matter actually, but it does.
I think doubt is the curse of the vanisher. And (like you I imagine) there are no words to describe how profoundly weird it feels that he married ow. It just feels wrong somehow. Tbh though, a bit like you just posted on your own thread, my h never said that he was happy, actually said I think that he wasn't sure he was capable of it again, and also said in a thinky email that he had no idea how 'we' got into such a mess...but that he was a different person now so had to move on.
There is a lot to be said for being rather than thinking  :)...I'm just not always very good at it!

The fact he is planning sleeve tattoos at his age? That's not normal at all. That's something that people get in their teen-thirties...unless they already have tattoos, are in a band, or ride motorcycles. I've never met a 40, 50 year old Bob from accounting who comes in with a new sleeve.  :o

Ah and then Morte comes along to remind me of the obvious MLC bit...yup, he got one sleeve as a birthday gift from ow in 2017  ::)...presumably he is aiming for a second one  ::). The man who always wanted a small tattoo but couldn't decide on something inconspicuous enough bc he hated seeing tattoos through white work shirts in a corporate environment...the man who used to think nose rings, selfies and tattooed eyebrows etc were 'common'.....and used to joke about how things that looked good at 25 just looked tragic at 45... ::)

Thank you everyone for that little bit of grounding and sensible advice and encouragement  :)

And I'm sure you're right Nerissa that this is a bit of an internal backlash from sending the birthday text...it has kind of allowed him to sidle closer in my head....and yes, objectively speaking, his choice to end our marriage spiralled him into instability, a diagnosed mental illness, debt, fraud, drug use, loss of faith and an overweening sense of fear and rage. As my uncle would say, he chose poorly  :)
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Our Community / Re: He Misses Me & He Loves Me...But Does He Really?
« Last post by in it on Today at 06:21:35 AM »
Don't change your mind and and go.
Don't give away your power like that.
Only you can stop the game playing.

What you allow continues.
Your phrase he keeps pulling you back in?
Please stop letting him.
26
Our Community / Re: Same $hite different day!
« Last post by One day at a time on Today at 06:14:12 AM »
Wow 1T! You were very brave to ask those questions to begin with. I don't ask anything as I'm petrified of what I'm going to hear.. I know it's not the right time to ask yet in my case but obviously what you have seen in the last few months told you it was the right time so ask..

As for your MLCer.. it's so big that he has given you those answers. It shows the fog is lifting/lifted.. what he decides to do now with the clarity he has will be interesting.. he will need a lot of strength to get out of the mess he created... I really hope he finds that strength.. you are showing him so much compassion, he's really lucky to have you..
27
Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Nerissa on Today at 05:41:29 AM »
I think you might be experiencing what my T calls ‘backlash’ after taking an action re your H.  I get it more regularly because I have more contact with mine, but it’s weird how discombobulating it is when I think I’m more detached then realise I can be catapaulted back.

I think your reality was as true as you believed.  I think the craziness of his actions paradoxically proves that because I think maybe his betrayal of your marriage  has made him unstable.  I’m pretty convinced mine was good for most of the time. And sonwas yours.
28
Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Mortesbride on Today at 05:37:22 AM »
How many news reports do you watch or read and it say ''Oh I am so shocked by this, they seemed like such a good person, such a sweet soul''.

Enough said. ::)

From what you said, I think it all shows just how dysfunctional it actually is. OW constantly posting selfies, and pictures and whatever...needing people to like and validate her shows big insecurity. With such a flawed character she needs some sort of ''at least I am pretty'' validation. And I mean...good luck with that!  :o

The fact he is planning sleeve tattoos at his age? That's not normal at all. That's something that people get in their teen-thirties...unless they already have tattoos, are in a band, or ride motorcycles. I've never met a 40, 50 year old Bob from accounting who comes in with a new sleeve.  :o
29
Our Community / Re: LBS Stages 4
« Last post by Penelope2018 on Today at 05:36:36 AM »
My xh's ap was an employee who is also 20 years younger than him. He's older than her mother  :o. I wonder if she'll be worried he'll hit on her mom. ;D That's a disturbing thought.

I think I'm in acceptance now but I'm not sure. I rarely get angry anymore. In fact, when I think about the things he's done, I imagine I should be but I can't. Definitely past denial. I know bargaining is out of the question. I will never beg for him. Not worth it. I've only cried in front of him once during this ridiculous situation and it hurt my pride. Never again.
30
Our Community / Re: Same $hite different day!
« Last post by 1trouble on Today at 05:21:44 AM »
Thanks Milly and PR

Just spent three hours with my MLC'er we had a really nice walk with Jet in the sunshine.

I will come back and document it later but I did at one point ask him how we have ended up here....

and he said I don't know I really don't know.....

So I said why did you leave? was it for love

And he said it definitely wasn't about love not at all

So I said are you happy

And he said no I'm not happy...….no

he didn't hesitate when he answered these questions..
 
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