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Quote from: MourningDove
For D, it just underscores how she feels like she is suddenly not worthy of his affection. She joked the other day about feeling like an illegitimate child that is not acknowledged. She was laughing and I smiled, but my true feelings were much different.

This is seriously sad.... Even to joke about it means that the thought had to have been present in the first place...
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Our Community / Re: Growing3
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 05:29:18 AM »
Now THAT was funny, Sea.   ;D ;D

You asked her name.  lol

I'm glad you're feeling emotionally good.
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Our Community / Re: Growing3
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:26:51 AM »
Quote from: Seahorse
H said he was picking up his bag that was left at the airport.  I asked her name.

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Savoir Faire & UrsaMajor - the selfish behaviors and control are harder at times to move past. But, at times it becomes more difficult not to be at least a bit angry. I am realizing that my aggravation with Xh's money behaviors have shifted a bit more.

I used to be upset in general with his avoiding paying for anything because it put extra financial stress on me. That still is the case in terms of it does put more on my shoulders, but I had decided after watching others run back and forth to court only to have it drag out for months with little resolution that my peace came when I had less and less to do with battling the monster. My desire for happiness and peace comes at the price of walking away from what I should be getting financially. And most days I am okay with that. I still get very stressed when several things pile up and suddenly I am finding the weight of the world feels like it is on my shoulders and if Xh would be a responsible adult it would ease a lot of my stress.

I may think about what a shame it is he went so deep into crisis and we might have avoided a divorce if he had done the work, but I no longer obsess about that. It is a fleeting thought quite often and no longer laden with the profound sadness. Instead I am now finding I am having a much harder time with how this affects D in particular. S rolls with it and some of that is because Xh plays on S's sympathy a bit. S sees the games to a degree with D, but since Xh pays for S's trips and is helping with college, his experience is not the same and so he can't quite understand the level of hurt since he has not really felt it as deeply. It is not a criticism of S, but the reality.

For D, it just underscores how she feels like she is suddenly not worthy of his affection. She joked the other day about feeling like an illegitimate child that is not acknowledged. She was laughing and I smiled, but my true feelings were much different.

I was struck yesterday by the fact that when D was having her meltdown last night, as her F was pushing for her to visit, that nothing I said was going to ease her pain. It was not about fixing it for her, but wanting to somehow reassure her. What came back to me was knowing how many times people would hug me and say they knew how hard this was. The problem was those people meant well, but aside from my LBS friend who was nearby, those words meant nothing to me at the time. My LBS friend, when she said it, I knew she completely understood. I was grateful for those people being kind to me, but nothing eased my pain at that moment. Hugs helped, but the words were hollow and not because the sympathy was not genuine. I just realized at those moments those people really didn't have any idea how I felt.

It is what I am wrestling with now with D and maybe what upsets me more than anything with Xh at the moment. I will never know how D is feeling. I grew up with parents that are still there for me at every turn. D is dealing with a F who was a wonderful, doting dad and she was his princess.

Xh and S had their time in the garage and trips together. And the garage time together has essentially ended, but Xh finds the energy to take S on trips, albeit not regularly. Their trips were sometimes just weekends working in the garage and going to get parts. But, Xh is taking S to Tennessee in a couple of weeks, just because.

That has to rip D's heart out.

Xh and D had a special bond from the day she was born. They have similar senses of humor. D was "daddy's little girl" there was no doubt.

I get that. My sister says it all the time and not with malice. My F and I are very similar. My F treated my sister and I equally, but I understand him, because I am the most like him. My sister is more like my M and why they understand each other.

So, what do I say to D that could possibly absorb any of that pain from her. The truth is and probably what pains me the most is I really will never be able to understand. How could I?

I do believe Tuesday, the day D is going to see Xh is going to be ugly. I don't think Xh is going to make any headway with D. He doesn't have the same leverage anymore and that is his own doing. Add to the mix that D is already making sure she has people on standby to pick her up at a moment's notice. She called her one friend whose parents have a cottage near Xh's. He is working on Tuesday, but he has told D he will leave work and come get her if she needs him. It again, underscores how much this has deteriorated for her to have a plan in place if things get ugly. It isn't normal and I know it. It is effed up.

I believe he had best be prepared. D has a lot she will let out. She won't hold back. She has his number this time. She said she suspects he is trying to play the victim. The fact that he is now in a push to spend time with her before she leaves would not have bothered her if he had stopped by and spoken to her last night on his ways through, but instead he wants to spend time with her so that they can "talk". D said she finds it funny that he can't stay for graduation or come to see her when she was so sick, but now he wants to "talk". She said he had best tread carefully.

While D has not said anything to BIL, she mentioned it herself that when she is under his and SIL's roof they will no doubt figure things out and ask questions. D won't keep things from them if asked, but she won't go down there with the intent of ratting Xh out. D's comment yesterday was her F is playing with fire and not so much with her. D mentioned that she knows BIL is picking up on things aren't right. For him to check in 3 times a day from work while he was out of the country is not normal. It was not just because he was concerned she was sick. She is right, I suspect BIL knows something is up. D's posts on Facebook from graduation, etc. There is not a single picture of Xh in any shot. BIL will pick up on the things that have been omitted and he won't let it go.

D needs the time away before school for a variety of reasons. She needs some peace as well.
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Our Community / Re: The hills and valleys
« Last post by beyondblessed on Today at 05:26:28 AM »
I don't and never have thought that time changes people.  I think eventually, it just reveals their true character.  Character that they may have kept well hidden, but if we are truly honest with ourselves....and that's what growing and moving forward take, true, bare bones honesty, bits and pieces slipped out, here and there.

But, I do agree that "done" is very individual specific.  I've always said we, as individuals, decide and choose.  We decide how we let people treat us and vice versa, we decide how we treat others.  Same is true, be it MLCer or LBS.  We all determine the course and quality of our lives by our choices.  And, by reading the hundreds of threads on here, I think it is safe to say which side of this fares better in the long run.  Done for me is never looking back, never having contact, and counting my blessings every day that part of my life is done, and that I get to keep choosing how to best live the rest of my life free of someone who thinks I'm a yellow pages resource.
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Our Community / Re: Full Circle?
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 05:25:31 AM »
I think you've got something there.  I could say that about my middle sister and I.  We've always been inseparable.
She's 2 years younger than me, but has always been my best friend.  Oh...btw, when we go into the nursing home together we may have to bring her with.  ha ha

Well Nah, the whole day sounded lovely.
I'm so happy for you guys.

See there is always a reason for everything.   ;)

Sending you both lots of love. XXOO
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Our Community / Re: Putting All The Pieces Together Again
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:21:28 AM »
Done battle with any more lions lately? ;)

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Our Community / Re: Growing3
« Last post by seahorse on Today at 05:16:33 AM »
Welcome FN and UM:

Finally heard from H via text last night (after 3+ days).  S20 had told him we were going out for dinner last night so H texted to see if we had fun and where we went (anchor check?).  Told him yes, where we went and that S20 had a migraine.  H said he’d get S20 a doctor, which he said 2 weeks ago.  I told him it was taken care of.  Light conversation for a few texts back and forth.  H said he was picking up his bag that was left at the airport.  I asked her name.  He thought that was pretty funny.  Overall a good conversation.  Very light and short.  No questions from me. 

I’m emotionally good.  Physically could be better.  Hair thinning badly (before stress though) and need to deal with weight gain.

Trying to get stuff done around the house but seems overwhelming at times, eventhough I have a lot of help.

Missing the H of olde; loving myself.

Thanks for following...

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Our Community / Re: Crazy train to nowhere - 5
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:14:05 AM »
My pleasure, ma'am ;D
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Our Community / Re: It is serious (pt.2)
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 05:10:42 AM »
Samurai,

My D is 7 and S 11. He is the more vocal of the two as well.... I am not sure how much prodding and poking we can really do to get them to open up but being there, being consistent, being loving will be the min factors for her to open up to you. My D is very much on a mommy trip but that is also because STBXW puts the onus of her (STBXW) being happy on D and D has taken it as her mission... When D is with me, she is quite fine and we have wonderful times but getting her out of STBXW's clutches is hard...We too are about 10 minutes by car...

UM
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