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91
And to add up with journalling

And then something bit different...  Last night before falling asleep I read the article about serotonine that Ready2 (or so I recall) referred in another discussion.  The list of symptoms that serotonine deficiency causes matches very well with what I'm seeing with my W - and in her past depressions it has been SSRIs that have brought her up and running. 

It got me digging bit deeper of my chronic disease, my past...  It turns out gut plays a major role with serotonine production,  and many people with my condition have high levels of serotonine, possibly even up to serotonin syndrome.  Too much serotonine causes: 

Altered mental status (irritability, agitation, restlessness, and anxiety)
Neuromuscular hyperactivity (tremors, shivering, muscle rigidity, and muscle spasms)
Autonomic hyperactivity (rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure, sweating, and fever)

I could put checks on all three groups.

Maybe this also explains why trying AD's (triptan etc) after BD made me so dizzy and sick.   Live and learn... At least now I'm bit wiser once again on what not to take. 
92
Our Community / Re: Bits and Pieces
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 12:35:25 AM »
The old cleaning up the house before the sale Story, mine was very similar. It hurts like hell sorting out 20 years of your life and it hurt to see how respectless XW handled stuff which used to be of great value to her. She wanted nothing and I had to save stuff from being binned!
I totally lost it once or twice during that Phase too.
I was totally shattered one evening and brain drained and I yelled at XW "get OM over here now, im going out for an hour. He can move all this $h!te, he is just as responsible as you are for this mess we call life" I was litterally screaming at her. She cried and hugged me, stroking my head and telling me to calm down, that everything would be OK! That didnt help either "what is going to be OK? Nothing is OK, we built and planned this house together and now we are losing it and you dont give a flying firetruck"... it was horrible but looking back it was for the best.
It did help me detatch further as I just totally disgusted.

Hang in there Anon, your H is a total tool  >:(
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Journalling...

How do you mourn a child that never was, but could and should have been.

You cry. You cry like you lost one of your real life kids. You cry because it never happened. You cry because it should have happened.You cry because your dream died. You cry because hope died. You cry because part of you died.

Her name would have been Laura Ella. My sweet little shooting star. My "little Ella". The one I hoped for years.

She came to me on dream last night. Such a beautiful child, gilded hair, chubby cheeks, wearing a red dress. We talked, kissed and hugged for goodbye.She was my lingering expectation. The child I'll never have with W because of life happening. The baby sister my kids will never have.

Early on the morning before W or kids woke up I left for long hike. To bury her soul, to release this (final) expectation.She now lies on field of gold, middle of nowhere where the sunrise and morning mists will watch over  her.

How to go onwards? Focus on the living, give them all the love I have....
94
Our Community / Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Last post by Whyus on August 21, 2019, 11:48:29 PM »
Good Job S, yes YouTube all the way. With YouTube you can do just about anything  :D.

The others are right S, you dont have to reach out to pave the way. He has to make the steps himself, you just have to make them "easy" for him and slowly rebuild his trust in you (thats my take on paving the way).
Is it possible to pave the way if there is still an OP on the Scene? Im sure it would be easier if the MLCer was "single", if there is an OP it seems that nothing we can do will help. We are the cause of all evil afterall and made their lives miserable  ;)
95
Our Community / Re: Old Timers thread 6
« Last post by Whyus on August 21, 2019, 11:39:01 PM »
Poor Mary, what a Story! I too hope that Mary and her children had a full life after Jim left.
I didnt know the guy but I dont think that Jim was in a crisis for 20 years, thats hard to believe somehow. He most probably just got into some Kind of Routine and got used to it, settled for it. "This is my life now, I have no other Options so I will make the best of it" Kind of thinking.
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Our Community / Re: The LBS's MLC/MLT/BLT = Are we immune?
« Last post by Treasur on August 21, 2019, 11:34:02 PM »
I have certainly experienced my own 'crisis' in reaction to events - depression, PTSD - that I had never experienced before in my life. But it had none of the markers of MLC imho and I wouldn't describe it as such. Didn't have FOO issues, none of the rage and if anything more empathy than i started with lol. I think most LBS do suffer some level of situational 'crisis' bc tbh your life gets upended without your choice doesn't it?
97
Our Community / Re: PJ's Endgame?
« Last post by Whyus on August 21, 2019, 11:29:36 PM »
I've read that half of divorced men are remarried in a year and 80% are remarried in 2.
WTF! Ahm, I sure wont be one of the 80%  :).  I believe that a 2nd marriage can go the distance but its not always the case. I just personally have no interest in getting married again (and neither does K, my GF) and if I was to get married it would be a small Party or maybe even a Vegas wedding  ;D.

So she wants you to buy her out of the house? A part of me  wishes that I had bought XW out instead of selling and Splitting the Money, I probably would have got more out of the deal.
Maybe you can buy your W out for the "Minimum" which she will accept and then sell it for a better Price leaving you with more cash in the bank. Just a thought, its what I maybe should of done but I just wanted to get out of the haunted house in the end if im honest.
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Our Community / Re: The LBS's MLC/MLT/BLT = Are we immune?
« Last post by Whyus on August 21, 2019, 11:13:40 PM »
I dont think anybody is immune, most People who are in crisis seem to have FOO issues but im sure that People without FOO issues can go into crisis too.
I dont think that im having some Kind of MLC or MLT, I have taken up new Hobbys and I travel more, attend more concerts than I used to but that is just what I (and XW) had been planning to do for years when the Kids are grown up. She jumped ship but my plans stayed in takt and im carrying them out without her. Its that simple really.

I think that it is quite normal for People in ML to start "living" again when the Kids reach a certain age. Why shouldnt they? I certainly didnt do much for Whyus as the Kids were growing up, I was for the Kids 100% and so was XW. Sure we had Hobbies, we played in a band together and also were an "unplugged" duo in the Pub Scene. I played Guitar and she sang which she did REALLY WELL!
Sometimes I miss the "on stage" Version of XW if im honest, she really was a star but I dont think that we will be sharing a stage again somehow  ;D
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Our Community / Re: PJ's Endgame?
« Last post by PJ Will Be OK on August 21, 2019, 10:40:05 PM »
Thanks everyone! Some really good advice, observations and comic relief (Thanks SS for the phrase horny-dog zombies  ;D) Too much to comment on it all, but I appreciate all of you.

I like what DBD said about one year post-divorce for making any major life decisions. I've heard that from several smart people. I think that makes sense. I've read that half of divorced men are remarried in a year and 80% are remarried in 2. And many of them regret it. I feel like I've come a long way in terms of grieving, but I also know that what I've been through is the emotional equivalent of open heart surgery. I'm going to be OK and my prognosis is good. But I should probably rest and recover before I sign up for a marathon.

I know I'll know if I'm ready when the right person comes along. But dang, UM is so right about the nuclear waste holding tank. There are some really wounded and mentally unhealthy women out there. And a lot of them seem to have discovered old PJ. I don't know if they've always been hitting on me and I just didn't notice it, or if I've stopped putting out unavailable vibes or what. But man, it's dangerous out there! I'm sure the pool of men is worse.

An interesting turn of events on the mediation front. W has now decided she does NOT want the house. She is going to "let me buy her out." She says she doesn't want to "disrupt the kids' lives" by having me move out and her moving in. She would also "feel guilty" about  making me move and separating me from the kids although "it kills her" to be away from them.

This is all bogus. She is just trying to play the martyr. W is making minimal efforts to see the kids now and she doesn't live very far away. Also S and DIL are moving to their own place soon. I think the real reason W doesn't want the house is that it is more work. She would have to mow the lawn, water the flower beds, walk the dog, etc... And she would have to do a lot of paperwork for the refinancing. And D would not approve if OM2 or OM3 or whoever she's on now were to come over or move in. So, STBXW is taking the path of least resistance as usual. I'm OK with this. I would have probably rather moved out, but this may work out better financially in the long run. I just have to put on my business hat and be firm and fair for our (final?) mediation session Friday.
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Our Community / Re: Finally finding my peace and myself again.
« Last post by Whyus on August 21, 2019, 10:29:14 PM »
Its a big Weekend for our town Silver and ist organized by the counsils cultur Department so they tend to make sure that everybody knows what is Happening which includes putting Posters up everywhere. The band pic which they used is about 5 years old, Im 10kg heavier than now but ist a nice pic. XW shot it too  ;)

Your totally right Silver, its just a Business Event and ist all for S19. I wont have to sit next to XW or OM and I dont have to talk to them, they are just there same as the ants and Worms which are crawling around in the dirt  ;D

It Looks like we will have a new rehearsal room around December and the owner doesnt even want Money form us because we are "cool" and he is happy to help if he can  8). Its in the cellar of a Shopping Center in our town and we will even be able to use the Underground parking for free. Even if we arent at rehearsals and just want to park in town.... we told him that he will recieve Money for Electricity at least and hes not interested. He told us to put a fridge in too if we want and not to worry about electricity  ;D, how does he know that we like Bier?  :D.
We also offered him a couple of our T Shirts but no Need as and he already has them all  ;D.

The weather is amazing here, the summer has come back. I think that I may come to work on the Suzuki tomorrow, leave early and go for a nice Long ride alone as K is going out for a meal with her rowing team after the last training session before race day.

I havent seen Doggie since before my Holidays, I have had chances and I do miss her but I just dont want to pick her us from XWs (I really dont want to see her or OM) and I dont want to ask the Boys to vring her. I guess that Doggie will be at S19s birthday next week so I can have some time with her then.
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