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91
Our Community / Re: EA and possibly MLC
« Last post by GonerinGhana on Today at 12:38:15 AM »
I'm not sure what makes you think this is MLC though. I don't see anything here that screams out MLC specifically.

16 years without a compliment and now he compliments another woman seems like a red flag to me that this might not be MLC. Usually an MLCer WAS affectionate, complimentary, loving, friend to their spouse before BD, and then they have a complete personality change toward the LBS. It may or may not have been transferred to an OP, but the fact is their personality toward the LBS CHANGES from what it was before. It sounds to me that you just went along with the lack of normal feelings from him in your relationship until he developed those feelings for someone else. I don't want to be a downer here, but maybe he DID feel trapped into your marriage by your child. Yes, he waited until she was 5 years old but perhaps it had something to do with sending her to school and wanting her to have married parents in that context, or something like that.

I just don't see anything here that is a smoking gun that this is an MLC vs an affair of someone who was unhappy. It could be, but without more info it just isn't clear.

And he may not have been STAYING with you because you did everything for him, but he may be LEAVING you because you did everything for him, because you made him feel like a housewife, not a real man.
92
Our Community / Re: EA and possibly MLC
« Last post by Music45 on Today at 12:11:13 AM »
Hello Married - great forum name  :) sums us all up I think!
Just agreeing with the replies you've had. We start reading into things and wondering what it all means and, actually, in the end, I don't think the details of who, what, where etc. matter - they'll just make you crazy. Detach as much as you can and remember it's NOTHING to do with you. Don't chase or react [you will inside but don't show it]. I try and fake it till I make it cos it is hard to really detach. Credit to those who really make it. We've all done the pleading stuff so don't beat yourself up but as Nerissa says, it just fans the flames.
Buckle up, Married. You're in for a bumpy ride unfortunately but we're all on it with you.

 
93
Our Community / Re: 4 years since BD. H the same. Many changes in my life.
« Last post by Whyus on August 15, 2018, 10:53:01 PM »
Dont monkey brain this Milly, it wouldnt have worked if he had come back. You know this yourself, he was deep in Replay and confused as they all were.
It only would have been a matter of time until he had to run again.
Not worth your brain space.
Nice sister your H has there... NOT!
94
Our Community / Re: Why no name for the OW pal?
« Last post by Treasur on August 15, 2018, 10:48:37 PM »
like Nah, i had one 'conversation'...well, really just him crying and saying 'divorce is the only option'...xh has never given any reason at all, said nothing good or bad about me or our marriage and of course lied about his affair
i suspect he has said things to lots of other people, but no conversation with me at all then or since

and in over 2 years he never used her name or even a role like 'girlfriend'
he denied her existence to me and his own L even when the financial paperwork said different (and when they were planning their wedding  ::) )
on the rare occasion of watchgate when she had to be part of the discussion because she stole the watch (other than calling her a f**king c**t) he never used her name or a description or said 'we' either...i think he said something like 'the situation' or 'the person involved in the incident' maybe? lots of creative vocabulary needed to avoid mentioning her name or the relationship  ::)
i called her 'watch girl' at the time...which was the most polite neutral thing I could come up with  ;)...

i suspect it is because he felt/feels ashamed
not such a happy love story really is it? when my h and me were together, and certainly when we were getting married, he was so chuffed that he mentioned my name all the time and got teased about it at work as i remember...no dark clouds and lies and damage though in our story then, nothing to feel ashamed about.
95
Our Community / Re: EA and possibly MLC
« Last post by Marriedbutconfused8 on August 15, 2018, 10:42:03 PM »
I understand how hurtful it is to read his compliments when you do so much and don’t get any.  It’s the difference between fantasy and real life.  He gives compliments and he gets them back and it gives him a rush.  As both are married, he also does t have to step up behind those compliments.  He can make implicit promises but throw up his hands and say ‘oh but I’m married’. 

There will be plenty of hurtful times and events, but please don’t get sidetracked by empty compliments.  He is tacitly acknowledging that he knows this when he says he doesn’t know how to love.  He is somewhere aware that what he is doing and feeling isn’t love even though it feels like it and I expect his feelings for you are sidelined by this new obsession.

If I could change anything about the way I was, it would be to find the strength to ignore this and not react emotionally, but to quietly and firmly set boundaries to maintain dignity and self respect because that is what he is lacking now.  I was too reactive and fanned the flames. 

Please don’t listen to hi unkind words or allow them to affect your self esteem.

Thank you!!
96
Our Community / Re: HOPE, FAITH AND MUCH NEEDED KNOWLEDGE
« Last post by Treasur on August 15, 2018, 10:36:44 PM »
Probably better for your sanity to read nothing into it at all, just assume he had an errand nearby
if it turns into a pattern of more than that, if something is going on, other things will happen and you'll know
imho mlc-watching is crazy making for most LBS and far from 'normal' life so best not to do it...
97
Our Community / Re: EA and possibly MLC
« Last post by Marriedbutconfused8 on August 15, 2018, 10:36:24 PM »
Thank you so much everyone!! I really  appreciate your responses!!!
98
Our Community / Re: My 2 year Bomb-Drop Anniversary this October - PARTY TIME!
« Last post by GonerinGhana on August 15, 2018, 10:35:42 PM »
You may be able to relate to your H's OW. I don't think your experience helps you to relate to your H though.

It sounds to me you were just a booty call to your friend's fiance. He was young, hot blooded, and had two women willing to jump his bones any time and in turn. It sounds to me it was just about sex. When he wanted something more from his life, he chose your friend.

Your H's MLC is something totally different.

I get the impression you are still hooked on the drama and competition of it all and that may contribute to your stand. Case in point, You said this about the OW:
Quote
My skank is a total affair-down.  She is childless, with one failed marriage already under her belt (at 33!).  She's not the brightest bulb on the tree, nor has ever left the confines of Upstate NY.

You don't know why she is childless. She may have infertility. She and her ex may have chosen not to have kids. Does that make her less of a woman?

She may have one failed marriage under her belt but if your H gets his way, you will too. So how does that make you better than her? How do you know that she wasn't divorced against her will by her H, just as your H is trying to do with you? And believe me, there are so many women on here who say the OW is an affair-down just because she NEVER was married. OW bashing is just a way of spinning whatever the reality is in a negative fashion.

And what does it matter if she has stuck around her hometown? Not everyone chooses to see the world but that doesn't make them less of a person.

You still seem like you are trying to compete with another woman and enjoying it.
99
Our Community / Re: Growing3
« Last post by Treasur on August 15, 2018, 10:27:15 PM »
all very script
i blocked xh/ow and any links as soon as i knew who she was
i see it as keeping the crazy people out
100
Our Community / Re: 4 years since BD. H the same. Many changes in my life.
« Last post by Treasur on August 15, 2018, 10:24:52 PM »
ah, the delights of pain shopping...out of interest, what made you look now?

take the good, Milly, that he had doubts and their relationship is toxic and absolutely script
but let the what ifs go
as folks say it just would have meant a period of in and out, and you deserve a h who values you and your family as he should
and besides it is done now and you can't go back and redo it

back to Milly-time now  :)
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