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Our Community / Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Last post by in it on November 17, 2018, 08:35:48 AM »
Yep Loyal just like anything that misbehaves around you..they get away with it once? They just keep doing it.

I'm sure no one would agree with methods I use for behavior modification in others. I have a cat. He's 17 pounds, so he's big.I love him (feed him, give him catnip, pet him, brush him, talk to him)  for some unknown reason would run into the room from out of nowhere and lay right into the side of my hand :o..I mean bite me pretty hard. >:(

He got away with it the first time because I wasn't expecting it. I kinda let it go. But it happened a second time and I took a swat at him. I missed as he was already running off the bed because he knew what he had done was wrong and he was going to get swatted.
After that when I heard him on his way into my room and he'd go for my hand he would get swatted. He wasn't expecting me to be ready for him.

What was I supposed to do ? Say" Awww the poor kitty he must be having some issues. Maybe he's having an MLC. I'll just put up with him until he's passed it."

NO it hurt and he needs to see how it feels. Only took a couple of times and he didn't try to do that anymore.

No you don't deserve to be abused Loyal and I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I was codependent too..I'm pretty sure I have my issues addressed this time. The good Lord knows I'm not taking one ounce of crap from anybody.Even if I feel just a little disrespected I let whoever it is have it. >:(
Over reaction? Maybe I'll get centered after a while. :)
Our Community / Re: Living every day with love, grace and gratitude
« Last post by KeepItTogether on November 17, 2018, 08:15:17 AM »
Oh Savvy gloat away. Nobody likes OW. Bwahahahaha! I mean what’s not to love though? She’s just another broken bottom dwelling homewrecking ho. Sorry, I probably derive a little too much pleasure from this. KARMA!

My H is totally isolated from his former life and deeply ensconced in OWs world now. It is pure crazy. Now that I’m moving past my own sadness, I actually feel a little sorry for him. A little bc well, he made this choice.
Our Community / Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Last post by Loyal on November 17, 2018, 08:12:22 AM »
Should have done it years ago the first time he was violent.

Our Community / Re: Trying to get myself grounded
« Last post by Treasur on November 17, 2018, 08:07:08 AM »
You feel blackmailed, Really, because she IS blackmailing you.
From what I can see, she is using three cards to 'scare' you....her illness, signing the divorce papers and threatening to leave your home when she is ill so you feel guilt and worry about her care.
Meanwhile you are massaging her, worrying about your kids and trying to keep your own pain at bay.
The evidence would suggest - for whatever reason - your w has no concern about you or her kids or anyone else but her.
And imho each time her blackmail works, like with agreeing om can stay for the day while you hide out someplace else, she will just up the ante.

You might not be ready to do this, my friend, but I think it is time to let go of what you can't control and call her bluff.
It is probably best for you and the kids to stay in your let her move to a hotel if she wishes. Or if not, maybe you and the kids should rent someplace else and move out for 6 months?Stop physically caring for her, sleep separately and arrange nursing care if that is what is needed. Be civil, be respectful....but step away from the blackmail by opening your hand and saying 'as you wish'. It is reasonable that you do not want om in your family home, really it is, for you and your kids. If she wishes to spend what will possibly be the last few months of her life living somewhere else and being cared for by om or others, that is her choice. If she wants to use those months dealing with legal paperwork that will damage you and your kids, that is her choice too (although I guess you can drag your feet)

None of this is fair or right or good
But if you want the blackmail pressure to stop, the only way is to refuse to play.
I'm sorry, I know none of this is as you want it but you can only control what is in your hand and your actions and boundaries.
And look after your kids who must be as confused and hurting as you are.
Our Community / Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Last post by Loyal on November 17, 2018, 08:06:49 AM »
Thanks Thunder, yes I was in a state of shock for a long time, he`d been a monstering CB for several years but had never once laid a finger on me before.

Yes, InIt you`re definitely right and other than that, once they`ve been violent once it becomes a habit when they don`t have to bear any consequences. He threatened me regularly during his cocained induced psychotic phases from the time he attacked me in April 2016 until he left (ghosted me) in April 2017.

Nah, I wasn`t ashamed, actually posted what happened on HS at the time and have never felt once felt that I deserved to be abused. In my case it was  definitely codependency.
« Last post by Watcher on November 17, 2018, 08:02:49 AM »
Absolutely the most BRUTAL race of my life. I will talk later.

Ok I think I can put OM to rest. If I mention OM again please 2x4 my arse.

OM is more symbolism. He represents the end of our toxic relationship. It had to happen and we unfortunately had to go through this pain. She had to heal and grow and I needed to heal and grow. My gym and running proved to her that I was healing and moving forward with my life.

She is at a point where she is finally ready to begin healing her wounds with me. Her blocks are from our painful marriage that she is coming to terms with now.

She says I need Faith, Trust, and Patience to know that we are over the hump and we will make it.

Be the eff'n strong secure man that I know you are and the one that I want and need in my life. You are finally the man that I married. We will each continue to heal and we will be whole again one day.

Have Faith Watcher. We will make it.
Our Community / Re: Life after my MLC and now my husbands
« Last post by OneHotMess on November 17, 2018, 07:52:49 AM »
Yes in it. Blood relation. She is a younger version of his mother. 🤢 everyone who knew his mom is disgusted to see them together.
Our Community / Re: What has happened to my life - Part 5!!
« Last post by Thunder on November 17, 2018, 07:50:47 AM »

Just catching up on our thread.

I can understand how exhausting all this has been for you.

I love what Karm suggested.  Please reread her post.  You need support AND some rest.
Nothing is going to get resolved today or tomorrow so take a few days away from everything to regroup.
Emails, texts. paperwork...everything.

Maybe take the kids somewhere fun for the day.  Relax, forget about his crisis for awhile.
You've had a rough go of it.

When you're ready and rested then deal with what you need to deal with, with a little more strength. 

I'm sending you as much strength and love as I can.
You are going to be ok, Philly.

{{{ Big warm hug}}}
Our Community / Re: Domestic Violence is a deal breaker PERIOD
« Last post by in it on November 17, 2018, 07:42:52 AM »
Signs of Emotional Abuse

- Attacking your sense of self worth

- Insulting you, calling you names, criticizing you, humiliating you.

-Acting jealous or possessive, accusing you of being with other partners.

-Withholding affection or acknowledgement in order to punish you

-Cheating on you intentionally (not sure how this is against their will or an accident)

-Lying to you (another biggie)
Our Community / Re: Trying to get myself grounded
« Last post by Really? on November 17, 2018, 07:26:22 AM »
W is unhappy with me and we had an argument last night - in the middle of the night  - after I helped her to the bathroom and massaged her painful legs and back.  She started with a while outline that I don't really understand her , that the OM really loves her etc.   Getting finally to saying that I am limiting his access to our house to a few hours a few is selfish only about me and not making her happy. That only making her happy should count given her current health condition.

From there going that I should telling her and her friends how painful these things are to me (like letting the guy come to the house) which is another selfish act that makes her unhappy.  in the end it comes down to her saying that she would sign the divorce paper (my response being the question why would that change what I feel comfortable allowing / doing or not) and that I should let the guy stay as much as possible until he leaves in 2 days.  In a nutshell she wants OM to come over and stay at the house full time - day and night.  Her threat being if I wouldn't allow that she would move to the hotel - which is not ideal given that she is still very weak and just released from the hospital.

I feel I am being blackmailed and was struggling with what to do. This morning I finally said that he could stay the entire day (I would stay away) but that he could absolutely not stay for the night.  Not only my own feelings playing a role but what message would I be sending to our kids.  I closed by saying - you want to spend the night with him  - than by all means join him at the nearby hotel for the night.

How much further is she going to push this? And at the same time still her reference that she sacrificed 15 years with me ----  I guess she still doesn't realize that I know now - that she lied to me about breaking it up with the guy (at least the break up didn't last) and was him at least on and off for the entire 5 years ....

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