Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: OldPilot on March 11, 2017, 09:36:50 AM

Title: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on March 11, 2017, 09:36:50 AM
PLEASE NOTE
Please  post on your own thread first and wait for responses, if no one responds then you should use the ask a mentor thread.

Please use this thread if you need immediate attention & if possible include a link to your story page. I.E. EMERGENCIES!



Discuss away!


previous threads:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5048.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5048.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4178.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4178.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3809.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3809.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0)
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Made on March 22, 2017, 07:06:52 AM
Can you tell me why some discussion threads are suddenly "locked"?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on March 22, 2017, 07:09:05 AM
Can you tell me why some discussion threads are suddenly "locked"?
If they are over 150 posts then they are locked and put in the archives.

If they are less than that it could be a mistake.
Which one?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Made on March 22, 2017, 11:42:30 AM
It's Watchers thread - there usually some warning and a new thread link...


I found his new thread.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on March 22, 2017, 11:48:22 AM
I found his new thread.
I just linked his old threads
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: bluerose on March 22, 2017, 02:46:09 PM
I was wondering if any of you could link my threads for please. I still am not sure how to do it. Thank you.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on March 22, 2017, 04:07:13 PM
I was wondering if any of you could link my threads for please. I still am not sure how to do it. Thank you.
Done

Here how to do it for further reference
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=782.0
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Elegance on March 22, 2017, 05:21:29 PM
UPDATE ON H:  Appears the FOG is lifting and H sees a few things hes done.also is talking about doing everything he can to 'beat depression'. H said he's having feelings of driving the wrong way on a highway just to end it and something else concerning and fighting his feelings.  So those are suicidal thoughts. He feels he can do this by himself and still continues to refuse any type of medication natural or otherwise.

What  should I do? How should I act? what do I say or not say? Do I stand there and let him talk about killing himself? Should I go to work or stay home tomorrow out of concern and keep an eye on him? I've never seen him this bad.

Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Mary A on March 27, 2017, 04:36:03 PM
I need help! Today H's emotional affair came to light. He's sorry because according to him she does not mean anything. I'm hurt ,of course , but I'm trying to keep a clear mind. He says the old husband is not there and that I'm not the man I married. He wants to stay at home because of the kids but he says he will leave if I ask him to.

Do these discoveries make them see things more clearly? He says he was a fool that he has everything and yet he's not happy. How should I react ?

I'll appreciate any piece of advice. Thanks in advance!


Answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8786.0
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Nas on April 04, 2017, 08:25:13 AM
I don't really know where to put this, so apologies if this is the wrong approach.  I didn't want to start a whole discussion thread for a question specific to me.

I need to get some insight from any and all folks on here who are lawyers by profession.

Here's my issue in a nutshell:

I just moved to a new state 4 months ago and am waiting to meet the residency requirement so I can file for D here.

I had a lawyer in my old state. My H sent me a 30 page separation agreement literally 3 days before I was set to move out of state and demanded I sign it and return it before I move. (laughable in so many ways, but mostly that we have NOTHING and the agreement was 30 pages long...)

Anyway, that was 3 days before Thanksgiving.  I immediately contacted my lawyer and asked if I should get a lawyer in my new state.  She said no, she could help me with it.  So I sent her the agreement.

I emailed her and explained that I was broke and my H was refusing to continue making alimony payments until I signed the agreement. 
Over the next 2.5 months, I emailed her several times asking her to please advise me as she was still reviewing the agreement and I was not getting paid and had signed a lease and had bills to pay.
I was in a panic and kept emailing her.  She responded to 2 emails, and each time she didn't answer my questions.  She simply said it was taking her longer than she expected to review the agreement.

Finally, the last week of January I sent her a very terse email telling her the length of time it was taking was leaving me in a financial bind and asked again if I needed to hire a lawyer in my new state.

She responded by returning the 30 page document to me with ONE paragraph changed...basically rewording it to say the same thing in a different way.  And it was literally the ONE paragraph in the entire agreement that I had said in an earlier email that I was not concerned with. 

She then informed me that (as I had suspected all along) my old state no longer had jurisdiction and everything had to be filed in my new state. 
And then she told me that my retainer had actually been completely used up and then some, but as a courtesy she wasn't going to ask me for any more money unless we had to go to trial.

(uh...how could it go to trial if that state doesn't have jurisdiction?)

I asked her for a detailed bill to show where my retainer went and was very dismayed to see that she had billed me 0.1 hours for every panicked email I had sent her that she never even responded to.

The result is I had to get a lawyer in my new state, with money I DON'T have, and that new lawyer sat with me for 1.5 hours and went through the entire agreement, something it apparently took my old lawyer 2.5 months to do. 

I gave my old lawyer a $3000 retainer, the only money I had, and she did nothing for me.  Do I have any recourse?  I feel she should have known that since I was moving out of state she couldn't help me and she shouldn't have wasted 2.5 months and used up all my money doing nothing for me. 

My H is STILL not paying me anything, which is causing a major financial bind for me, and now I have no money to keep paying a new lawyer. 
In my emails to my old lawyer, I expressed more than once that I was afraid if I didn't act soon my H would liquidate the retirement fund (which I'm legally entitled to half of and the agreement states I get the entire amount), which I now suspect he may have done.

If anyone has any opinions/advice for me on any ways I can recoup some of the money from my old lawyer, I would be very grateful if you could respond on my thread or PM me. 
I am really considering reporting her to the bar, but before I mess with someone's career I want to be sure it's necessary and I want to have all my ducks in a row.

My thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8595.msg579360#msg579360


Again, sorry if this is the wrong place for this. 




Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: 1phoenix on May 10, 2017, 03:46:33 PM
Could someone who has seen MLC through please look at my question on my link

Thanks
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Loyal on September 08, 2017, 03:30:36 AM
He called me up on my  mobile phone about 20minutes ago but I didn`t answer and can`t understand that he didn`t it again on the landline as he knows I`m always at home working at this time of the day.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8985.msg615171#msg615171

Should I call him back or let him sweat????? 



Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Loyal on September 08, 2017, 03:46:10 AM
Sorry about posting the question here, have put it on my own thread now.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Silver on October 06, 2017, 08:49:13 AM
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9366.130

post number 138, sorry to put this here but I need advice, anyone
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: bluerose on October 23, 2017, 04:11:25 AM
   Can someone please link my old threads to my knew one.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on October 23, 2017, 05:16:36 AM
   Can someone please link my old threads to my knew one.

Done
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on January 22, 2018, 06:22:14 AM
DO mlcers know they are projecting? my h called me a coward ( don't even know why) . does he realize he was talking about himself?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on January 24, 2018, 07:57:22 AM
DO mlcers know they are projecting? my h called me a coward ( don't even know why) . does he realize he was talking about himself?
It is not unusual for MLC'er to project things onto others.
It is very possible he is doing this with you.

Whether he realizes it or not is another story, that is hard to say.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: MCSINME on January 25, 2018, 12:21:42 PM
What does "attaching" mean?  Is there something specific to do to attach, or does it just mean that someone's following your thread?
Thanks,
MCS
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on January 25, 2018, 12:52:45 PM
it just mean that someone's following your thread
YES - this ^^^^^^^^^^^^
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Seekingpatience on January 30, 2018, 02:03:19 AM
Hi OldPilot,

I was wondering how to turn my new thread pink?

I asked Anjae who is no longer a Mod but at the time, she mentioned putting my thread on a watchlist and that my H and I should have been working toward reconnecting for at least 6 months and that would have been June/July 2017.

We are still reconnecting and I believe rebuilding at this time.

Would appreciate feedback on this.

Thanks, peace and strength  :)



Edit - Answered on your thread - OP
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Treasur on January 31, 2018, 10:00:45 AM
Oops...just noticed my thread title spelling mistake  ::)
Could one of the mods correct the title from Archimedian Point to Archimemedean Point please, or it will just bug me!

Edit - Fixed - I hope - OP
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on February 19, 2018, 07:58:37 AM
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF A MIDLIFE CRISIS IS OVER AND THEY JUST DIDNT CHOOSE TO COME HOME?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on February 19, 2018, 09:03:03 AM
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF A MIDLIFE CRISIS IS OVER AND THEY JUST DIDNT CHOOSE TO COME HOME?
My opinion is that their actions would show you this.
What makes you think the crisis is over?
Have they made amends with their children or other significant people in their lives?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on February 22, 2018, 06:34:34 AM
Well ithought he was reconnecting with old friends and the kids but an ammends so to say. No
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on March 06, 2018, 04:37:12 PM
There are so many stories of mlcers explaining what its like to be in crisis, could you put them in one thread. I know there is a thread for this but there are  many stories on this site and different threads it is all mixed up. I remeber resding one about a man married to phoenix and one about a man spelling out starbucks.  I dont know where they are now. Thanks
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: No expectations on April 23, 2018, 06:14:25 AM
Hi,

Could one of the moderators look at my thread?  I think I'm almost ready for a pink icon, but would like your opinion and thoughts, please.

Thank you!
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Thunder on April 23, 2018, 07:42:14 AM
Sure sounds like you're reconnecting to me.   :)


Edit - I added a link on your thread in  regards to this - OldPilot
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: MKnight10 on September 11, 2018, 03:30:22 AM
Not Sure if this is the right place to post, but any chance of a mentor please.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: One day at a time on September 11, 2018, 05:40:42 AM
I would also like a mentor please  :)
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Stand Tall on September 26, 2018, 12:13:20 PM
Hello Everyone

  While reading other threads I've seen people recommend reading Denjef's thread. I am interested in reading this. How can I find it if it still exists? Also, I'm interested in other MLCer's stories after they have come threw to the end,

  Thank you
-Stand
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: xyzcf on September 26, 2018, 10:06:11 PM
Here is denjef's first thread and at the end of each thread will be a link to the subsequent one:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=7975.msg518653#msg518653

Here are links to reconnection stories:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.msg656023#new

Also:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1872.0
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Stand Tall on September 27, 2018, 02:50:21 PM
Thank you xyzcf
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Optimus360 on October 15, 2018, 12:31:33 PM
I am looking for a mentor.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on November 27, 2018, 06:04:38 AM
When exactly is limbo ? After an awAkening? During replay?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Mitzpah on November 27, 2018, 06:26:58 AM
Hi KB,

Have a look at this article: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html (https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward_limbo.html)
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on November 27, 2018, 08:43:03 AM
I have read that . It doesn't seem to answer my question . Can anyone further explain? This to me sounds like my h in the beginning . Everyone said he was in limbo until we d . But he is still with ow and partying . Replay .  The explanation sounds like it should be after replay . Is it ?    Maybe after an awakening during liminality when making decision to maybe go back home ?    Confused

Will answer on your thread.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Nas on November 27, 2018, 08:56:03 AM
I think limbo is hard to actually see.  To me, it's like somewhere stuck in the end of replay, where they have realized that the OW is not their "soulmate," their new life didn't fix them, they've stopped running from thing to thing, spending wildly and all that, but they're still not ready to look deep within or take the next steps so they're just kind of stuck living the life they currently have because they don't have the motivation to make any new changes. 

It's not like deep replay, where they are like wild manic aliens, high on the euphoria of "freedom," spending tons of money, jumping from new thing to new thing.  They haven't reached the real depression stage, because that brings on real deep dark depression.  They may have settled on a new job, live with the OW, and by all appearances are living a "normal" day to day existence, but it's just because that's where they landed after the manic craziness of replay wound down and now they don't have the energy to move forward any further. 

I don't know if that makes sense, but that's kind of my take on it. 
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on November 28, 2018, 02:55:54 AM
ok  yes . i believe then thats my h. just the same old routine as he knows it now.   do you think there is an awakening or not yet?
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on November 28, 2018, 05:46:02 AM
   do you think there is an awakening or not yet?
NOT YET
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on December 08, 2018, 06:30:04 AM
Is there an explanation somewhere , of why some sites don't believe in mlc , such as marriage helpers? How can it be denied when these mlcers , act and say the same thing? It is textbook.  i find it hard to believe that their craziness has to do with just an affair/ limerence.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: BeTheOak on January 05, 2019, 03:50:42 AM
Hello there,
I am at cross rode, i need a mentor ......
It has been long time in my journey as LBS (4 years), i did all the mistakes, i have learn a lot of my self....i am ready to become normal person and feel normal with me and because of me, i am far away from there, yet.
I do not want to stand in the same way i did up to now, i want to continuous live as almost normal person, if MLCW want to join me on my way and be, what i need as woman next to me, so be it, if not i will make it...
I did some changes:
1. I confront OM3 4 months ago and OM2 15 days ago....that was my 180, she was very "surprise", MLCW did not talk to me, she is very angry and heat me (i think), most of the time i am not afraid.
2. 15 days ago i stop snooping, i made commitment to my self, to not do again .....here i need mentor, to whom i want to be responsible (like sober addict).
3. At the moment, i am preparing a flat for my self to live there, i am mentally prepare my self for , separation, divorce, face monsters ...and so on. Here i also need mentor, to be my back when i want to go back in limbo (my MLCW is lo energy). In the past by snooping i did know, when MLCW play games, see OM, what talking/lying to other...now i will not know, nothing except what i will see and hear, and if she start playing hard (to keep me stuck), i am afraid, that i will bust my hopes - and fall back in limbo -- so here i need a mentor to bring me to the reality ...

Just to say:6 year ago i have cheated to my wife, 4 years ago i confess to her ...that was the beginning of her MLC (i think)....during the time, Silver and Thunder, payed the most attention to me, and i am very thankful to them and the all others, if Silver is able, i will appreciate if he will be my Mentor...many months ago he ask me to stop snooping (i was too week then, and i did not), now i am at least strong enough, to not snoop.....
So i am ready to start, walking out, from limbo world.

That is my story :https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10314.110 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10314.110)

thank you very much in advance..
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: mapippa on February 01, 2019, 12:33:39 PM
hello everyone, I have just heard through my Daughter that my xh has been dumped by the ow, I was just wondering, what to expect during other woman withdrawal stage..... I personally wont see it, as he has no contact with me whatsoever, but our Daughter has frequent contact with him,  its more to prepare her.  Any replies very much appreciated! Thank you!
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Thunder on February 02, 2019, 07:26:56 AM
Mapippa, I'm not sure what your d would see.  Sometimes they get depressed for awhile.

Only thing is these break ups aren't always permanent.  Some MLCer's break up one day and the next their back together again, then they do it again..over and over again.

Also just because they break up doesn't mean he is out of his crisis.  So maybe not much will change.
Some will go on to ow/om number 2.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: mapippa on February 02, 2019, 08:28:57 AM
Thank you Thunder, yes I thought all that myself, the only other concerning thing is that some days he monster's at her, really shouting at her, then within a couple of days  is ringing her & saying I love you to her.  Any thoughts on that behaviour???   
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on February 02, 2019, 08:35:28 AM
Thank you Thunder, yes I thought all that myself, the only other concerning thing is that some days he monster's at her, really shouting at her, then within a couple of days  is ringing her & saying I love you to her.  Any thoughts on that behaviour???
Yeah think about what happens to the typical LBS,
this is no different.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Thunder on February 02, 2019, 08:42:20 AM
Only your D can stop this.  If he Monsters leave, or hang up on him.  No one needs to put up with abuse.
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: mapippa on February 02, 2019, 08:49:49 AM
Hi there Thunder, she sees him as as mad as a box of frogs!!! Lol
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: Keep believing on April 28, 2019, 02:21:14 AM
how do i find a lost pm note ? i wrote it out but never sent it because i lost it
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: OldPilot on April 28, 2019, 02:30:10 AM
how do i find a lost pm note ? i wrote it out but never sent it because i lost it

I think you need to rewrite it and resend, there are no drafts here.

If you delete it by accident and try your browser back button then you might recover it if done right away.

Hope that helps
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: jacs on May 01, 2019, 05:00:33 AM
Please could someone point me in the direction of getting a mentor please?  I did post my story last week but I haven't been contacted by anyone - I'm sure I must of done something wrong.  Thank you
Title: Re: Ask a Mentor 9
Post by: xyzcf on May 01, 2019, 05:08:06 AM
I have brought your thread up, sometimes threads get "lost"...can you update us on how things are going?